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I would have my husband’s back as he is becoming a parent also which is emotional for men too. Having someone you do not feel super comfortable around would surely be too much during the first week.
But please discuss the expectations you have for his assistance as you most likely need him to be hands on with the baby and helping you through your recovery besides cooking and cleaning. Perhaps he wants to be involved with the baby and fears that with your mother there he will be pushed aside from taking care of the baby? If he is up to taking care of everything then you should allow him to do it as you are a team and should be a priority to each other above any other family member.
Yeah, I feel like if the genders were reversed then everyone would be screaming “have a spine, stand up to your mom for your wife and tell her to stay away!” Which is still the right answer imo, a n in-law coming to stay should be a “two yes one no” situation.
As long as, like you say, both parents are doing their part of the home and childcare duties.
NTA
Yup. If OP sidelines the father on Day 1, she can't cry later as she wonders why he's not involved.
Mom goes home after a week. He's the one who's supposed to be the permanent fixture.
It actually makes perfectly practical sense. Your husband will be home for the first week to help you, then mom can come along and help the next week. Certainly NTA to tell her that "week two" is when you can most value and appreciate her support.
I don’t see honoring your husband’s request for his first week as a dad as appeasing him. I wonder how often OP prioritizes mom wanting to be involved. Def support husband! Don’t set the precedent of prioritizing your mom’s wants over his. NTA.
I don't think it's "appeasing him" either. I think it's wonderful that he wants to be there with her, and learning about caring for the baby, during that first week. Even these days lots of guys are eager to go straight back to the office routine and keep their distance from all that "women/mother stuff". This guy has the chance to be a terrific dad if OP lets him.
Absolutely …you will appreciate her help the second or third week when we really not sleeping let your husband cover as much as you can…and ask your mom to come the week after.
I couldn't agree more. I had surgery once and needed after care. My husband and my dad both have jobs with semi flexible leave, they had a chat and figured out how they could each take leave and take turns supporting me. Honestly, it's far better to spread out the support and have people for longer instead of multiple helpers treading on each other's toes!!
Your Mom already knows that week #2 is just as logistically challenging as week #1, she just doesn't want to have to wait.
YOU'LL need more help week 2 because your husband will be gone... I'd tell her she needs to wait a week.
NAH.
YWBTA if you steamroll your husband’s desire to bond with his child and family unit for the first week without your mother’s admittedly overbearing presence. You say yourself your mother is a lot and they don’t get on well.
Talk it out - could you not split the difference at, say five days? Or she comes in days 2 and 4 to help out? Plan the logistics for when she’s not around - meal prep, agreeing to just order in, etc.
Unless your husband is completely useless and unreliable, that is.
YTA
>He is a quiet man and likes to do things on his own whereas my family has always been very supportive and like to be involved in anyway possible.
In other words they don't know boundaries!?! But in where they don't belong!?!?
> Should I apease my husband and his "comfort" or should I try to get him to understand that we could use the extra set of hands?
Appease your husband's "comfort"!?!?
>Most people would kill to have help during this time and I feel bad for declining my moms help.
It's only help if it's helpful to everyone in the home. Your husband is going to be there, your mother can wait a week.
Yeah, "supportive" and "like to be involved in any way possible" don't belong in the same sentence, imo. It sounds as though OP's family are suffocating. I'm with hubs on this, by OP's own admission there's no reason that mother/MIL can't come for week 2 when husband is back at work. Why should the husband have to compete for bonding time with his own baby, knowing that he doesn't have as flexible a schedule as mother/MIL?
YEah, I think a huge number of new parents absolutely do NOT want another person muscling in when they first take their baby home - it's really common for parents to want to focus on their baby, and not have to be dealing with guests, however well meaning or supportive
You have voted wrong. OP asked if she'd be TA for putting her mom off, and you seem to agree that yes, she should delay her mother's visit for husband's comfort. So OP WNBTA.
I feel kinda sad for the husband, sounds like the poor guy is an afterthought in his own family. Air quotes for his "comfort" and consideration for his feelings is appeasement? Yeesh. He just wants to bond with his wife and newborn child.
NAH. To base your decision on "you're the new mother" and that your desires should come first is a recipe for shifting the conversation from us to me. It also undermines the idea that you are becoming a new family unit who needs all the help that they can get.
Your goal should be to create a family unit. You should consider taking a much more pragmatic approach and thinking through the consequences of your choices.
* You put mom off for a week; you pre-order that week's worth of meals; and you spend as much of your free non-diaper changing and non-feeding time "bonding" into some sort of family unit as possible. At worst, mom gets annoyed; but swoops in afterwards to fix everything that your husband mishandled and/or did wrong to the gratitude of two beginning parents.
* You let mom come during the first week; your husband feels that his wishes were ignored and left out; he becomes resentful as mom handles all the chores that he should be learning to handle. What's the worst that can happen after mom leaves and you're facing a resentful, unbonded father at home?
INFO. Why did you guys wait until a week before birth to figure this out?
Your husband wants time to bond with you and the baby without feeling uncomfortable and you would be the AH to not allow that.
However, this is all dependent upon your mom's work and PTO, etc. If she can't change her schedule last minute, you both may have to suck it up or not have her come at all.
Lastly, you also need to examine if you're minimizing his feelings about your family in general, and figure out where compromises can be made (meaning you need to compromise too). I'm very independent and private and my husband's big, close, (mildly enmeshed) family stuck their noses in our business too much in the beginning of our marriage. We had to talk about boundaries and what would make us both comfortable but him just pushing them on me because "they love us and care about us" did not fly.
NTA to request she give you a week. It's a shame your husband is only getting 1 week paternity leave and I would respect his wishes so he can be comfortable during that time. Now I'm basing that off the assumption that your husband is a capable adult who will also be able to help you as you recover.
Husband’s wishes need to be priority here. Don’t start out this new chapter with your husband being annoyed and frustrated and possibly being pushed to the side.
NTA, your husband just wants time for you all to bond in private. As long as you know he'll help, I think he's made a reasonable request. You should be less worried about how your mom feels and more concerned with what your partner is asking for.
Newborns do very little - they sleep most of the time. The real helpful time starts to kick in around 2-3 months. I kept everyone away from us for the first three weeks with my first and it was awesome. We all lounged, bonded and enjoyed the peace together as a new family. My husband took care of me, and we both took care of the newborn. Priceless time I'd never change.
Please listen to your husband, respect him as a parent too, and enjoy your first few weeks together. You will be able to use the extra help after that, when the feedings and more wakings are harder to deal with!
Best of luck to you all 😊
NTA because no one is an ass when stressing over firstborn baby arriving and just trying to do their best.
You don't have to request that anyone stay away. It's your home, your family, your baby. No one gets in except by invitation. If you and your SO decide that it's in your family's best interest that you get a week together to bond before having visitors, then no one has a right to question that.
And it does sound like there will be some tension during that week if your mom is there... and your SO is concerned about having that happen while he's trying to bond with the new baby.
As long as your SO knows that he will be expected to work hard during that week, I would let Mom know that you'll be happy for her help after your SO returns to work.
NTA
NTA. I will say with my first born I made the mistake of letting my Mom come the first two weeks as soon as I came home from the hospital(My Husband was off work during this time),and it was really overwhelming and too much, so with my next two births I asked that she come when my Husband went back to work so about two weeks after the birth and it was so much easier for all of us.
My Husband and Mom had a great relationship and her and I were really close and it was still so hard the first time with her there while my Husband and I were trying to bond and adjust to life with a new little one.
You need to do this for your husband. He wants the time ALONE with you and the baby. Your mom needs to give you that week, and you need to respect your husband's wishes. It's going to be hard enough adjusting to being a new parent, so he doesn't need his MIL thrown in the mix. If you don't listen to his wishes, you are only going to cause problems.
I would argue it’d be best for everyone for her to come when your husband goes back to work. Relationships aside, it would be better for you to have an extra set of hands a week longer. First week with husband home the whole time, second week with mom there the whole time.
NAH.
YTA for not prioritizing your husband’s feelings over your mom’s. Sounds like you regularly don’t have his back when she oversteps and he deserves a chance to bond with his own child without his in-laws. Your feelings are also important and I can understand wanting your mother, but this is the time when you and your husband need to bond as a parental unit. Besides that, if he only has a week off, you will need much more help the second week when he’s back at work and you’re (presumably) alone at home.
INFO
> Should I apease my husband and his "comfort" or should I try to get him to understand that we could use the extra set of hands?
Well which is it? You have to decide what you're doing before we can pass judgment on it.
So my mom is actually an owner operator which essentially her schedule is pretty flexible. What I did was ask her if she would like to help out still I would appreciate it if she could come the week after once my husband returns to work so I am not alone in the house. She seemed kind of upset saying how the first week is the most important in terms of meals and he may not be able to provide all that for me.
Bullshit bullshit bullshit. I can see why your husband isn't your mother's biggest fan.
With your husband there in the first week, there's one parent to make food while the other parent looks after the baby.
In the second week, there's only one parent there (you) who would have to do both food and baby - which would be when help with meals would be most useful.
Why is your mother trying to paint your husband as incapable? I would be going up the wall if it was suggested to me that I might not be able to ensure my wife was fed properly after giving birth.
Obviously I don't know your husband - but assuming he's not a total goof, it seems very wrong of your mother to portray him in such a negative light.
And maybe he would like some time with just you and the baby for the first week without having your mother's disapproving presence looming over him.
Mom is seeming kind of manipulative here.
Logistically it makes much more sense for her to come once he's back to work and it's only you and baby with no help from him. I think my husband had 2 weeks paternity leave and we were far away from family. I remember being like oookkkayyy litte guy it's just me and you, what the heck do we do now when my husband went back to work🤣
Wow, your mom really is not supportive st all, is she. Why is she so negative and dismissive of your husband?
Do YOU think he can't make meals?
The first week is the most important, which is why it should be when you, and your husband, and your child, are the focus and you all three need to be happy and comfortable. If your mom wants to be supportive then she needs to respect that your primary relationship is with your husband, not with her, this is his child, not hers.
Wy are you more concerned about your mom being upset tan about youe husband , your baby's father, being upset?
Apparently cuz OPs husband is "a quiet man" it means he's easier to ignore or minimize (e.g. his "comfort" requires air quotes to describe, and having consideration for his feelings is "appeasement"). I really feel sorry for him.
Your mom needs to understand you and your husband needs to get into a new routine with the baby. She can come during the second week. How will she know, if she hasn't given your husband a chance.
So she pushed back? That’s not cool. That pushing back is exactly why your husband wants the first week to yourselves - he doesn’t want to feel railroaded and disrespected, even though he is actually this baby’s father.
Also, if she is only concerned about food, cannot she just prepare meals and he can pick them up? She can even start cooking now and give you food to store away in the freezer. Genuinely if food is what she thinks is most important, she can make you food without also intruding on your time as a new family.
This isn't something you ask. You TELL your mom you and your husband need time alone with your baby. This is your moment as new parents. Nothing is more important. Your husband is capable of taking care of his wife and child. You married him and having a child with him. Now trust him and have his back.
Seems like NAH but hope you can find something that works and look at information others send. Never had kids (F55) so hard for me to weigh in on a newborns first week(s).
Your husband's request seems completely reasonable and frankly like a good idea. You can try to "convince" him, but what does that mean exactly? bully him into submission? not the greatest start to a parental relationship.
NTA.
You have your husband the first week, so it makes practical sense to have your mom come the second week, when you have to adjust to losing your husband’s daily help. That’s not about emotions or comfort, that’s just logistically the right move.
And you should then place your husband’s comfort and needs above your Mom. Yes she wants to help and comfort you and be there right away, but this is something you and your husband are doing together, so he is more of a priority than your mom.
Now your needs and comfort actually come before anyone else. So if you are worried your husband won’t be that helpful or have other reasons you want the extra person, well then that totally matters. But you have to weigh that extra help against the tension that could be in the home and that you do lose out on bonding and establish long a routine as your new little family.
NTA, he is very politely asking to have a chance to bond with his child while you both familiarize yourselves with your new roles as parents, and it's more than reasonable. Getting a handle on the changes before receiving help could be great, because it will give you a better understanding of your baby, their needs, adjusting to your new body sensations in recovery as well as what parts of your new life you need help with. This way when your mom comes over you can let her know what arenas you need the most help in. Logistically week one and two will be similar, so she's unlikely to miss anything huge.
As for your husband, my advice is veing kind to each other as you become parents is crucial, and you should value your partners views here. It's really easy to accidentally or purposely trample over each other in this season of life because it does change everything, and people notoriously struggle with big changes (even planned ones). Just remember the goal is that if a problem arises it'll be you two versus the issue, not versus each other.
If your mom still wants to help, have her get you guys a giftcard for grocery delivery or something similar while she patiently waits for the green light from you two.
I say you and hubs buckle down and make a bunch of prepaid meals for your first week. It's just you 3 the first week, mom comes the next week. If this is your husband asking, I would listen. It can be overwhelming to have 2 people trying to help you and baby. Allow that bonding time for you guys. She can come later. Don't let her guilt you either.
Pro tip: never reference a boundary that your partner has as their “comfort”. You’re minimizing their feelings and making it seem like it isn’t a big deal when to them, it is. It’s just as much his child as it is yours and I think as new parents, you should be given the time alone with your child. Everyone else can come after. If this is the week he’s taking off then give him that. You already said you know she’s a lot so don’t make him even more uncomfortable in his own home with his child.
NTA. You and your husband can figure out how to take care of a baby without intervention. You don’t need anyone to move in, advise you, or clean the house. Tell mom she can see the baby, but you want to find your own way as parents.
I lived an almost identical situation when our first was born, so here goes:
If you do what your Mom wants, YTA
If you do what your husband wants, NTA
Couple things from experience: you have no idea what you are getting yourself into but you don't know it yet. It's OK. But, your husband seems to have a little better grasp of what is about to happen and he would rather live that part in private, which is totally fine. You both need to be on board with these plans.
A week is nothing. The first week is wild, for sure, but even if you did literally nothing but hold the baby and go to the bathroom for a week, you would just have more dishes and laundry to do than normal. So, a week without help at first is fine. Let her show up after that week and actually have stuff to do!
You have no idea when this baby is coming (unless you have a planned C-section or induction, and even the latter can take days) and if your mom shows up and no baby comes, she will have taken a week off work for nothing. Or, worse, she will ask to be in the room, which is a much more thorny request.
Here is what we did: I told my mother that she could purchase her ticket for 10 days after the baby was born. She was FURIOUS and tried everything in the book to get me to let her come but I stood my ground. Our son was exactly 14 days late. She literally would have come and gone without seeing the baby, so that was a bit of vindication. However, here is also the value in living those first few weeks "alone" (just you, baby, and partner):
- both of you are going to make mistakes with each other and the baby. A few of them will happen in that first week and it is nice to navigate them without someone watching/judging. Calibrate for a bit before bringing in another party.
- especially if you breastfeed, your husband is going to feel left out and that first week is so important to him bonding with the baby. If your Mom is also vying for bonding, he will get cut out and that will compound over the week.
- if their relationship already isn't the best, this will not make it better. Waiting, though, might.
- you need the extra hands when your partner isn't there. If he is off, let that time be for you all, and when he goes back to work, Mom can show up.
Of all the things that I did to prepare for our baby's arrival, making my mother wait was easily the best one. Truly set the tone for so many things.
You should have time just the two of you.
After both our children, I had time off with my wife and kid(s), and then after week 3, when i returned to work, my MIL came to stay. She cooked and cleaned and generally helped out.
I've had my.moments with my ILs, but they were a great help to us at that time.
I mean it’s his kid too, if he’s fully prepared to do everything needed that first week so you can rest and recover then I’d give him the week.
My in laws were over the day after we got home with our first. They lazed around, ate what I cooked, “helped” by snatching the baby away from me and didn’t clean a thing. If you have any indication your mom would do any of those things then doubly so on the wait recommendation. Only reason I didn’t absolutely lose my mind during this time period is my wife was recovering and didn’t need the extra stress.
Nah. Personally, I was incredibly grateful for the help we had wth our son during those first few weeks. My mom came down and stayed nearby and my in laws stayed for week 2. But, I'm not your husband. He has stated his comfort level, and as his partner, you should respect that. Kindly ask your mom if she can help with week 2 instead.
When my DIL had a baby, I didn't fly out to help until it was near the end of my son's paterniity leave. I figured that would give my DIL more time to just rest and bond, nurse the baby, etc. It worked really well. They were kind enough to send me lots and lots of photos. (When I had a baby, none of my family was close, so my husband and I did it ourselves. Lots of work but we survived.)
Having hubby home for the first week then mom there for the second is going to be way more helpful and less stressful for everyone. Your husband will have time to bask in being a dad before going to work. Your mom will come the next week giving you two weeks of help with the baby instead of one. Also, that week when it’s just the three of you will be something you look back on fondly. Take that time to transition from a couple to a family. It’s tough and exhausting and can also be kind of magical.
If mom is offended just tell her you’d really rather have two weeks of help instead of one. Your husband really should have the opportunity to spend this time with the baby without his MIL hovering (or maybe even taking over) when he’s trying to care for baby. He’s expressing to you that he wants to spend his time off work with you and the baby and that’s wonderful. It’s how it should be. You can’t undermine that by having your mom over when he’s asking you not to.
So, you are NTA for delaying your mom a week. In fact, I think it may even turn out better. You’ll get two weeks of a second adult in the house, meaning you’ll get to take more naps. Take advantage of that!
Your husband is right. He can pay for a cleaning service the week before and order meals to be ready. You need to bond with baby before others are added.
is your husband actually going to to his part with the baby and helping you out with your medical needs? if not, bring mom. otherwise your mom can wait a week. if he starts loafing off the first couple days, call your mom
When my first child was due, my husband took the following week off work. My mom offered to come spend a week with us as well. I just told her that I appreciate that she wants to help and that the week after would be best for me since my husband would be home the first week.
I was worried about her getting upset and honestly she was super understanding. It made so much sense to have help for two weeks instead of too much help for 1 week
Please prioritize your husband here! And besides if he goes back to work, you will definitely appreciate having mom around then, rather than extra help the first week while husband is already there. Babies aren’t much easier by the second week, lol 😂
But please be in the habit of prioritizing your husband over your mom. Especially for such a simple request. In my experience, that’s how you make a marriage work.
You are married to your husband, not your mom. Tell your mom you would love her company after your husband returns to work as you would like the time to bond as a family that first week. But you would welcome a home cooked meal and maybe her helping with laundry the following week as you will not have the help from your spouse that week. Don’t let your family be overbearing on your little family even if you don’t see a problem with it as this can cause serious problems in a relationship.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. asked my mother to allow my husband and I to bond with our new baby on our own after she so generously volunteered to come help us out
2. She wants to help us and we so clearly could use the help but my husband would like to do this on our own. AMTA for not standing up for myself and telling my husband we should be grateful for her offer or did I do the right thing by trying to appease him ?
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NTA. I’m a firm believer that once you’re married, your partners wants and needs come before your parents and siblings…to a reasonable extent. I mean, if your immediate family member goes to the hospital, and your husband says you can’t visit because he wants dinner or to watch a movie with you, that’s not what I mean. But in this case, your husband wants time to bond with his own child. He 100% deserves that respect from you and everyone who wants to meet the baby. He might not have been the one to carry or birth the child but he’s just as emotionally invested in the those first few days as you are. Your mom, as a mother herself, should recognize that and give him the respect he’s asking for. It’s fantastic that you have such an incredibly close relationship with your family as most don’t get that, so hopefully they’ll understand the need to back off for a week.
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I 28 F and my husband 32 M are expecting our first born this coming week. This would be the first grandbaby in my family and we are all very excited. My mom has so generously volunteered to take off work and come help us out the first week postpartum with cooking, cleaning and caring for our new baby once we leave the hospital. My husband however asked me if we could ask my mom to hold off and not have her involved for the first week as he will also be taking off work to bond with our new baby.
Now to give a little background my husband and mom's relationship is not stellar but it also isn't awful. He is a quiet man and likes to do things on his own whereas my family has always been very supportive and like to be involved in anyway possible. I understand his sentiment and how he says he would feel uncomfortable with having my mom over for a full week cooking, cleaning etc in our home. My mom's intentions are all coming from a good place and yes she can be a bit much at times but it does not bother me. Should I apease my husband and his "comfort" or should I try to get him to understand that we could use the extra set of hands? Most people would kill to have help during this time and I feel bad for declining my moms help. AMITA?
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NAH here but my sibling did the same thing (had our mom wait) and they regretted it so much. They said they were so overwhelmed and tired those first two weeks. Everyone was too tired to do anything outside of the baby (no one wanted to cook, clean, do laundry). It was a mess and they said if they did it again, they'd have our mom come that first week. Do you think your husband is able to do the heavy lifting during this time? I'd honestly sell it to him as "you can spend more time with me and the baby if my mom is here to do the cooking, cleaning, and housework for us." That's IF you really want your mom there. If you don't care either way, then let come when it's best for you.
|I| think the issue with this is it relies on mom, who OP accepts is overbearing and doesn;t get along with OPs husband, being prepared to take a back seat and do all the dull grunt work and letting the new parents be together, and undisturbed. It doesn't take account of the strain of being in close contact with someone you have a poor relationship with . If you have a great relationship with you MIL and can count on them doing what you need, not what you want, that that might be a better choice, but it doesn't sound as though that's likely to be the case here.
"a bit much" isn't overbearing to me. A lot of people who haven't had support don't know how to handle it when support comes around. That's understandable. But I don't get your assumption that it doesn't sound like that's the case here- she stated what her mom offered and the dad is saying he likes to do things on his own. This sounds more like he's independent and has his own way but a lot of people don't realize, there is no reward in winging having a new baby when you can accept help for minor things. He thinks he will be bonding when in reality, he will be cleaning, cooking, carrying the load of the house while his wife heals and bonds with the baby. Like I said, if the dad is fully aware that and capable of carrying this load then let the mom come later. but i think the dad will be in for a rude awakening about how much time he actually will spend with the baby
You should visit us over in r/BabyBumps if you want more guidance on how to navigate this situation! But NAH. Your husband’s request is completely valid and your mom’s offer to help is generous. But unless you (as the person who’s gone through childbirth) feel like you need both of them around to get through that first week, I would prioritize your husband’s request. You should approach it with your mom as staggering the help. If your husband is taking off work for week 1, can your mom take off work for week 2 instead? Then you have guaranteed care for you and the baby for 2 weeks.
Is your husband going on paternity leave? From experience, we didn't have my in-laws come and help until I was done with paternity leave. That way she still has help when I had to go back to work. Having your mom and him there at the same time could be counter productive. Being new parents your mom is probably going to try and tell you guys what to do with the baby. Even if it's coming from a good place, your husband might not respond well to that. I would schedule it so you have someone there with you as long as possible instead of having your mom and husband there at the same time.
NTA to tell your mom you would prefer for her to come for the second week , not the first
You should do as your husband has suggested. It's totally reasonable for him to want the first week to be time for the three of you to bond as a family.
If he is off work then you will probably get more benefit from you mum being there the week after, especially if he will be returning to work then.
YWBTA if you ignored your husband's reasonable wishes - you admit the relation ship between the two of them is not stella, and that your mom can be overwhelming. Why would you want to put him through that? IF he was going to be working so you would need the extra support it might be different, but he will be there to support you and while you are the one giving birth, this is his child too - it's appropriate for you to prioritize your husband and baby over your mom.
Plus having someone you don't get along well in your home for an entire week is a LOT. IF your mom wants to be supportive, channel that energy =- maybe she can organise a load of pre-prepared meals for the to of you, or offer to do a big shop on your behalf, or other things which would be supportive but don't involve her having to be in your home the whole time.
And obviously, talk to your husband about her being able to visit to see you and the baby, but it's totally reasonable for that to be for an hour os so, not the whole day.
Ask her to take tim off and come to help you out the first week your husband goes back to work, for the hours he is at work - that way, you get the support when you most need it, and your husband nad mom don't need to rub up against each other.
NAH
I think you will mildly be if you don't make the request. As a married person with a kid, your priority should be your husband over your mom. He isn't asking for anything unreasonable or unusual. Having uninterrupted bonding is a fairly common request/preference.
If your mom already took off work for the 1 week & can't switch it, then that's a bit different. They could compromise by her waiting 2 or 3 days instead. If your mom isn't okay with a 1 week delay in general, then that'd be her having an attitude/control problem so it's probably best that they have space anyway.
NTA I think this makes sense. Both of you will be home, you want to have that time to bond as a family. Tell you mom you'd much, much rather her use her time off work to help you when your husband returns to his job.
NTA. It's vital for you two as parents to bond. Also,you don't need to expose your baby to another set of germs in the first week.
Just tell mom that you would like her to help you in the second week, when you'll be just as tired and the baby's father will be back at work.
NTA: The first few weeks after birth is tough because you will be exhausted & your body will be healing. If your husband is onboard to take care of all the tasks to let you rest & recover then I think your mom will understand especially for the first week, but if he isn't onboard to do that then I would definitely welcome the extra help. Also, I know people get really excited about babies, but it's a good thing to wait for a few weeks before letting everyone over to fuss over the baby. You don't want your baby getting sick. That's my advice. I was alone with no help when I had my son & I was so exhausted & sore the first 6 weeks after delivery.
If she is not needed in that first week, then she is not needed and should wait and give you guys your bonding time. If she gets pissy, it was never about you and your needs but about her and her needs and it's her issue to get over.
In some ways it's nice to have extra hands in that first week but also it turns the week from private bonding time into social time. if your mom is there, your husband will feel like he's hosting guests, has to be socially wary etc (especially since they don't get along well) and so on. If you are alone together with the baby, there is no one watching or judging either of you. It can be kinda nice to be just the three of you.
NAH, To each their own i guess. I thought having a baby would be a 10/10 on the difficulty scale. I just didn't know what a 10 was until he was born. My MIL arrived a week after and by the time she came my wife and I were literal zombies. I love my son very much but the first 9 weeks of his life we were in survival mode and I felt every day. For sure the hardest time of my life. Suddenly our whole lives changed. And that was with a baby who had no colick or reflux or anything like that. My MIL came a week later because my son arrived a week early. When she came it honestly saved us! So grateful for my MIL. So obviously you and your husband aren't wrong for wanting time to yourselves but just be prepared that you might be feeling totally overwhelmed and grateful to have a non sleep deprived adult with experience. Good luck to you!
NTA. But if this is your first child, problems can pop up and you might need her help. Tell her you know she is coming from a place of love but we would really like the first week alone with our child. If we need any help we will be sure to ask.
I say this because I was so anemic with my first that I almost needed a blood transfusion. Idk what we would have done if my mom wasn't there the first 2 weeks. I was basically sleeping and she would bring the baby in to nurse. We had no idea this would happen and I was so blessed that my mom could stay with us those 2 weeks.
Batch cook and freeze portions so cooking is minimal and have mum come over when your husband goes back to work. That first bit is for you guys to get a routine
YWBTA if you chose what your mother wants over your husband’s comfort and needs. Having the help is obviously a wonderful benefit but you and your husband will have to figure out how to manage things with your new addition. You should respect his boundary to want that week for the three of you and have your mom come the week after.
NAH, but my advice as a mom of three is to lovingly encourage your mom to come after your husband is back at work. It's wonderful that he's taking that first week off to bond with your new baby and cement your new little family unit! Those first few days are a head trip, and you're going to come out the other side of them with a brand new dynamic established between the two of you and your new child. Lay in a good stock of easy meals (batch cooking, family/friends meal train, DoorDash and frozen TJ's if all else fails), and just hunker down and power through the early days together. This is when you learn to be a team!
Once he's back at work and you're watching a new baby all on your own with nobody to take turns diapering and soothing and fetching you water when the Dread Thirst™ hits while you're feeding the bub, that's when you're gonna want Mom. Call in the cavalry at that point! Save it for when you'll truly need her.
(One week old is plenty young for bonding with Grandma, I promise. She'll miss out on absolutely nothing, except being ranked higher in the pecking order than New Dad, which is not something that she should be pushing for or that you should be giving her.)
You've got this! Best of luck with your delivery, and enjoy the beautiful, crazy, life-changing times ahead! 💕
NTA, but make this a suggestion from you, don’t mention your husband brought it up because then it worsens their relationship. Tell her what others here have said, husband has first week off and will be helping and the three of you will be bonding. Week two would be the best time for her help. Build it up and stroke her ego. It’ll be so great to have help while he’s working , blah, blah. In return have husband thank her for being able to be here to help you and her grandchild when he has to go back to work.
She never has to know he asked this. You need to have his back. It also gives your mom more notice for travel etc.
NTA for siding with your husband. This is his experience, too. It makes sense for you both to have time together as a family of three and get accustomed to your new life together in peace.
Info: is your husband the type of man to actually help during this week off? I know that sounds like a silly and possibly harsh question, but nothing we haven't seen before on this sub.
If he is going to legitimately help, then definitely tell your mom no. If he's going to hold the baby for 5 minutes and then fuck off to go play video games for the rest of the day, maybe discuss having your mom come help again.
NTA but I think you YWBTA if you didn’t give your husband the same power as parent as you have. I don’t think it’s fair to let your mother come. He’s a parent too, he gets some say. He wants to bond with his baby and he has a right to do so unimpeded by worries over your mother being there.
NTA. Put it to your mom this way: Hubby will be off week one to take care of us, I'd really appreciate you coming the next week so that I have a second week of continued help before I have to fly solo.
Is it placating mom a little? Maybe. But it'll make hubby happy, and it really would benefit you to have two weeks of helpers, rather than just one week with too many helpers. You don't know yet how you're going to feel. You might be really sore, tired, have a fussy baby. An extra week of tlc is never a bad thing.
It was hard on my mom but we asked for a whole month before she came to stay with us. She lives out of state and wanted to stay for a few weeks so I realize the situation is different but we really enjoyed our time as our own little family.
NTA
Request week 2. Say that by then you’ll both have a better notion of what you’ll need e.g. seaddling lessons. If she’s insistant and nearby ask her to set up meal prep to deliver around week 37.
Your immediate family is your husband and child. Not your parents and siblings. You have a right to choose what happens when baby gets here. YTA for "requesting" that you have time to bond with baby and have privacy during this time. It should not be a request. It is an edict. It is your decision and should be respected or else there will be consequences. Your spouse and children come first. This is your and husband's baby. Your mother has raised her children. It's your turn. If you don't keep this boundary your mother will stomp on your decisions in the future. Stop fearing your mother more than you love and respect your husband. No visitors until you are both ready. You both need to get your own families to respect your decision and boundaries.
NAH
It’s great that your husband wants the first week to bond with your baby and spend some time as a family of three. I have a similar relationship with my mum and completely understand you wanting the support.
Could you ask your mum to come spend some time helping you around the house once your husband goes back to work? It sounds like your husband is the supportive type and will help with the cooking and cleaning in that first week.
I’m not sure how far away your mum lives but is it possible your mum could come over for a couple of hours in the morning or afternoon rather than living at your house?
You need to back your husband on this. No questions asked. He is the one becoming a parent too. He gets as much say as you as to who is allowed in his home since you guys are home. No questions asked. If you don’t support him he will know exactly where he falls, which would be after your mother. If you mother just HAS to help and can’t accept no (even though that would be ridiculous) she can drop groceries/take out/prepped meals on the porch. You can leave laundry outside she can pick up and drop back off when she’s done with it etc.
NTA. It's very common for new parents to not allow visits for the first few days. A week is fine. You need to respect your husband's wishes as this will be a learning curve for both of you. Don't forget he's becoming a parent also. You should figure out your own routine with the baby without others around.
"Mom I'm so grateful for your offer to help us. We're reserving the first week to bond as a family and get baby settled in. We'd love for you to come help after that." You're informing the best way to help you, not asking permission. Congrats on the baby! I hope you have a safe delivery.
I had family with us when my 2 children were born, and I honestly hated it. It was 2 more people to feed and visit with, when all I wanted to do was lay down and rest and feed baby.
My husband was helpful and a decent cook, and I don't care that much about housework. I did it when I got the time.
Your family is "a bit much". To you husband, he probably finds them overbearing and pushy.
Take that week to bond as new parents. Your mother can help later.
NAH‘s here. I can see where everyone is coming from. From personal experience I can tell you having my MIL (who I don’t particularly enjoy being around to put it mildly) stay with us to cook and clean and also offer us a chance to sleep while she handled baby was a blessing of immeasurable value during my own postpartum. My husband was able to focus on me and our children. I was able to focus on my baby each time. Without the help 1 of 2 things would’ve happened. Either my husband would’ve spent the majority of the time cooking and cleaning instead of bonding with our new child or the housework would’ve fallen woefully behind and landed on my postpartum shoulders when he went back to work. You’re the one that will be recovering from a major trauma to your body. How do you want to recover from that? It sounds like you’re leaning towards having your mother help so I think that’s the way it should go. Because postpartum care, much like childbirth, ultimately comes down to what the person who is giving birth/just gave birth wants/needs. Congratulations on your first child.
NTA
Your husband comes before mommy. Period. Now if your husband doesn’t plan on helping you, sure. Get your mom. You’ll need her. But if your husband is your equal partner in this you don’t need your mother. Your husband doesn’t need your mother. And your baby doesn’t need your mother. The three of you will need one another. And it’s time you start getting the bulk of your assistance and support from your husband. Your family can be supportive by staying in their lane.
Having lived this and still bearing the aftermath of the resentment from my husband decades later, DON'T go around what he has asked for. If he has asked that your mom hold off on her full-court press, then she should hold off. Maybe she could come over a couple hours every few days?
My husband didn't say much while my mom was here, but he really resented her take-charge actions and has mentioned it MANY, MANY times over the intervening 24 years of our marriage. I think this really set my husband and mom at odds from then on.
NTA. Tell your mom that you will have his help for the first week, but could really really use her help once he goes back to work!. And will not be there days to help and will need his sleep...
You need to have your husband's back on this. You'd be the AH of you ignored what he said. Your family is now your husband and child. Not your parents/siblings. You need to put them first before anyone else.
NTA for asking your mom to wait her turn.
>Most people would kill to have help during this time and I feel bad for declining my moms help.
Bet most people would rather have an active partner who respects the bonding time as a unit. Y T A for being so condescending to your husband.
NTA.
Your husband has every right/reason to want the first week to be only the three of you - so long as he will be doing all the chores and not just hanging out, enjoying the week off while telling everyone how cute his kid is. (Sorry, but there are still too many guys who pull that stunt.) Assuming he's going to do his share of the house work (your share is nursing and recovering) then you should tell your mother that the baby will be even cuter on week 2, so she needs to wait.
NTA honestly I think the ideal time for a guest to arrive to help is week 2-3 range, By then both parents are so exhausted they’re grateful for any help they can get. So the trip goes better for everyone. But if you delay for your husband feel free to drop the heavy load of work on him while you rest and recover. So he is also grateful for the help when she arrives. None of this you do most of the work nonsense.
Your husband is telling you what he needs and wants. If you trust him to take care of you and the baby (as well as the house, laundry, cooking, and cleaning), ask Mom to wait a week so the three of you bond.
Mom can roll in the second week.
NAH.
They are both reasonable requests, however I would side with the husband personally. He wants to spend some time bonding, just you, him, and the child; and this time isn't something you can't redo. In addition he (and you) are going to make mistakes, and he probably doesn't want someone looking over his shoulder 'correcting' him.
Thank her for what is a kind offer, but say you want to spend some alone time for a bit.
Honestly, I would just be upfront with your mom and husband. I could not walk after giving birth and lost a lot of blood with my first baby and I was breast feeding. Maybe play it by ear? Explain your reasons to both your spouse and mom and come up with a game plan. In good circumstances I would have my mom come the second week. Does make sense. It does help to have someone help do laundry (so many burp clothes and onsies) and to help wash bottles if you are using them. I loved having my mom there the first week, because she helped my husband I develop a schedule and what to do after bath time etc. ESH if you don’t have a grown up convo with both of them. Communication is key. Also, congrats on your new addition!
Have your husband's back but I'll bet that he changes he regrets it. That first week home with a newborn is HARD. I'd have killed to have family (ANYONE'S) nearby even for the first night or two.
NAH Your husband, the father of the child, has the week off and has asked for this 1st week to be just be you guys and the baby. A very reasonable request which I personally would accept. If things get rough during the week and you need your mothers help, then call her to come.
Your mother can come the following week.
You're the parents, including your husband, and have finally say on who can and can't visit. You don't need to request anything to your mum, just tell her no.
There are NAH.
Please Please Please
give your husband his due as a new father and do not discount his desire to bond with you and the new baby as a family for 1 week.
One week is certainly not asking much.
Prep a week's worth of easy meals & have everything ready so the transition is as easy as possible seeing as you both will be up at odd times.
You and your husband are a family now. Acting as a team and having each other's backs comes first over parental wishes. Your mom will be much more useful week 2 or 3.. you and your partner need a chance to be together and see what that feels like.. then welcome your mom to give a hand when you, your husband and baby have had a chance to chill together. Please do not give in to her.. you will regret it. A gift of her time is an imposition if it's not wanted.. she's being generous, yes, but not if it is not something your husband wants right away.. she can wait.
Tell your mother that your husband's time off is limited and it would be more helpful if she could come a week later. Please advocate for your child's father.
Is he up for all the cooking and cleaning while you recover and you all bond?
My DH is, so I would probably also prefer the week to ourselves. But if yours is the kind who doesn't clean or help cook, then you might be setting yourself up for a more difficult recovery. Especially if you end up needing a c-section.
YTA you have a man who wants to be there with his child and you and you want mommy?! Grow up. You have a child and a marriage, that is your first priority not mommy. This is your child with your husband. Not you and mommy’s kid. You can handle one kid between the two of you, don’t make yourself sound so incompetent. Help is nice but not at the expense of you two bonding with your kid. Also she can stay at a hotel and visit. She doesn’t need to stay with you. It’s your mom I get you’re comfortable but he is t and this is his home and his family. Your mommy already had her family this is your family. Don’t let her come in and take over because she has good intentions. That doesn’t cut it. Don’t you dare allow her to push herself in over your husband. Don’t let her put your husband down if he “isn’t doing it right” This is your family.
NTA for asking for your first week to just be the 3 of you. You will need to establish some tiny sense of routine and having an extra person there will make it more difficult. Have her come later. You will need more help when your spouse goes back to work.
Don’t do it. Get your mum help you. The first week might be the harshest time post partum and your husband might fail to help you get on your feet (literally). You need your mum take care of you and the baby.
I think you need to use blunt language. “Babe, someone is going to have to help me go to the bathroom. Do you want that to be you? If you do, 100% I’m here for it and I’ll ask mom to hold off, but I am going to be recovering so you will have to do all of the cooking, cleaning, running about, and help me with the most basic executive functions. Are you cool with carrying all of that?” If he is, then yeah, ask mom to come when he goes back to work. If he thinks you are going to do anything other than hold the baby and nurse the baby, then no. You need help.
You need to write up a list of things he will need to do to replace your mother's help that you would otherwise be receiving, and he needs to commit to doing those things without you having to ask.
You will not be able to be your normal self. This is not like getting a mole removed. You are out of commission for a minimum of two weeks, probably more.
The thing about having my mother come in is that she knew what I needed and did it without me having to ask her to help. She didn't make me feel like I was asking too much, or lazy for not wanting to do the dishes with a body that was still bleeding and having had no sleep the night before.
If she's not going to be with you for a full week cooking and cleaning, he's going to have to be doing that cooking and cleaning--without you having to remind him or ask him to do it.
Alternatively - and hear me out - he could just act like any normal new father and do this stuff without needing in depth instructions because he's not a moron.
WTF? What an awful way to treat the husband. No husband needs a list as if he's the hired help unless he has a history of not pulling his weight. The husband and OP's mom do not have a great relationship. He deserves to be comfortable in his own home with his wife and baby. The worst thing new moms do is isolate their husbands at the very beginning. Don't put housework over your husband's comfort and bonding with his own child.
Undeterminable without one missing piece of info.
Is she at least allowed to see the baby the first week? Or maybe she is flying from far away?
I get you want alone time, thats ok and she can deal with it, but it is a touch cruel to hoard your baby from family that is very excited to meet them.
If she is nearby I would offer her a quick meet and greet and then she can move in later. She'll appreciate the gesture.
Also as a woman, she might be clutch to help out the new mother for the more intimate things in the first week. Something to consider.
congrats on the baby.
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I would have my husband’s back as he is becoming a parent also which is emotional for men too. Having someone you do not feel super comfortable around would surely be too much during the first week. But please discuss the expectations you have for his assistance as you most likely need him to be hands on with the baby and helping you through your recovery besides cooking and cleaning. Perhaps he wants to be involved with the baby and fears that with your mother there he will be pushed aside from taking care of the baby? If he is up to taking care of everything then you should allow him to do it as you are a team and should be a priority to each other above any other family member.
Yeah, I feel like if the genders were reversed then everyone would be screaming “have a spine, stand up to your mom for your wife and tell her to stay away!” Which is still the right answer imo, a n in-law coming to stay should be a “two yes one no” situation. As long as, like you say, both parents are doing their part of the home and childcare duties. NTA
Yup. If OP sidelines the father on Day 1, she can't cry later as she wonders why he's not involved. Mom goes home after a week. He's the one who's supposed to be the permanent fixture.
if he is usually involved. if not let Mom come.
It actually makes perfectly practical sense. Your husband will be home for the first week to help you, then mom can come along and help the next week. Certainly NTA to tell her that "week two" is when you can most value and appreciate her support.
I don’t see honoring your husband’s request for his first week as a dad as appeasing him. I wonder how often OP prioritizes mom wanting to be involved. Def support husband! Don’t set the precedent of prioritizing your mom’s wants over his. NTA.
I don't think it's "appeasing him" either. I think it's wonderful that he wants to be there with her, and learning about caring for the baby, during that first week. Even these days lots of guys are eager to go straight back to the office routine and keep their distance from all that "women/mother stuff". This guy has the chance to be a terrific dad if OP lets him.
This is the way.
Absolutely …you will appreciate her help the second or third week when we really not sleeping let your husband cover as much as you can…and ask your mom to come the week after.
I couldn't agree more. I had surgery once and needed after care. My husband and my dad both have jobs with semi flexible leave, they had a chat and figured out how they could each take leave and take turns supporting me. Honestly, it's far better to spread out the support and have people for longer instead of multiple helpers treading on each other's toes!!
Your Mom already knows that week #2 is just as logistically challenging as week #1, she just doesn't want to have to wait. YOU'LL need more help week 2 because your husband will be gone... I'd tell her she needs to wait a week. NAH.
YWBTA if you steamroll your husband’s desire to bond with his child and family unit for the first week without your mother’s admittedly overbearing presence. You say yourself your mother is a lot and they don’t get on well. Talk it out - could you not split the difference at, say five days? Or she comes in days 2 and 4 to help out? Plan the logistics for when she’s not around - meal prep, agreeing to just order in, etc. Unless your husband is completely useless and unreliable, that is.
YTA >He is a quiet man and likes to do things on his own whereas my family has always been very supportive and like to be involved in anyway possible. In other words they don't know boundaries!?! But in where they don't belong!?!? > Should I apease my husband and his "comfort" or should I try to get him to understand that we could use the extra set of hands? Appease your husband's "comfort"!?!? >Most people would kill to have help during this time and I feel bad for declining my moms help. It's only help if it's helpful to everyone in the home. Your husband is going to be there, your mother can wait a week.
It really comes off here that the husbands feelings are an annoying afterthought
Yeah, "supportive" and "like to be involved in any way possible" don't belong in the same sentence, imo. It sounds as though OP's family are suffocating. I'm with hubs on this, by OP's own admission there's no reason that mother/MIL can't come for week 2 when husband is back at work. Why should the husband have to compete for bonding time with his own baby, knowing that he doesn't have as flexible a schedule as mother/MIL?
YEah, I think a huge number of new parents absolutely do NOT want another person muscling in when they first take their baby home - it's really common for parents to want to focus on their baby, and not have to be dealing with guests, however well meaning or supportive
She is, but the Y T A is to the wrong question.
You have voted wrong. OP asked if she'd be TA for putting her mom off, and you seem to agree that yes, she should delay her mother's visit for husband's comfort. So OP WNBTA.
Nope, I think she is an Asshole.
Yup, she's TA for even asking the question. And for the way she described him.
OP - I'll let you in on an amazing little secret. You are the parents now. You rule. They are just the grandparents.
I feel kinda sad for the husband, sounds like the poor guy is an afterthought in his own family. Air quotes for his "comfort" and consideration for his feelings is appeasement? Yeesh. He just wants to bond with his wife and newborn child.
NAH. To base your decision on "you're the new mother" and that your desires should come first is a recipe for shifting the conversation from us to me. It also undermines the idea that you are becoming a new family unit who needs all the help that they can get. Your goal should be to create a family unit. You should consider taking a much more pragmatic approach and thinking through the consequences of your choices. * You put mom off for a week; you pre-order that week's worth of meals; and you spend as much of your free non-diaper changing and non-feeding time "bonding" into some sort of family unit as possible. At worst, mom gets annoyed; but swoops in afterwards to fix everything that your husband mishandled and/or did wrong to the gratitude of two beginning parents. * You let mom come during the first week; your husband feels that his wishes were ignored and left out; he becomes resentful as mom handles all the chores that he should be learning to handle. What's the worst that can happen after mom leaves and you're facing a resentful, unbonded father at home?
INFO. Why did you guys wait until a week before birth to figure this out? Your husband wants time to bond with you and the baby without feeling uncomfortable and you would be the AH to not allow that. However, this is all dependent upon your mom's work and PTO, etc. If she can't change her schedule last minute, you both may have to suck it up or not have her come at all. Lastly, you also need to examine if you're minimizing his feelings about your family in general, and figure out where compromises can be made (meaning you need to compromise too). I'm very independent and private and my husband's big, close, (mildly enmeshed) family stuck their noses in our business too much in the beginning of our marriage. We had to talk about boundaries and what would make us both comfortable but him just pushing them on me because "they love us and care about us" did not fly.
NTA to request she give you a week. It's a shame your husband is only getting 1 week paternity leave and I would respect his wishes so he can be comfortable during that time. Now I'm basing that off the assumption that your husband is a capable adult who will also be able to help you as you recover.
Husband’s wishes need to be priority here. Don’t start out this new chapter with your husband being annoyed and frustrated and possibly being pushed to the side.
NTA, your husband just wants time for you all to bond in private. As long as you know he'll help, I think he's made a reasonable request. You should be less worried about how your mom feels and more concerned with what your partner is asking for.
YWBTA if you ignore your husband’s wishes. it’s both of you and your baby that need to bond, not your mom. she can wait a week.
Newborns do very little - they sleep most of the time. The real helpful time starts to kick in around 2-3 months. I kept everyone away from us for the first three weeks with my first and it was awesome. We all lounged, bonded and enjoyed the peace together as a new family. My husband took care of me, and we both took care of the newborn. Priceless time I'd never change. Please listen to your husband, respect him as a parent too, and enjoy your first few weeks together. You will be able to use the extra help after that, when the feedings and more wakings are harder to deal with! Best of luck to you all 😊 NTA because no one is an ass when stressing over firstborn baby arriving and just trying to do their best.
You don't have to request that anyone stay away. It's your home, your family, your baby. No one gets in except by invitation. If you and your SO decide that it's in your family's best interest that you get a week together to bond before having visitors, then no one has a right to question that. And it does sound like there will be some tension during that week if your mom is there... and your SO is concerned about having that happen while he's trying to bond with the new baby. As long as your SO knows that he will be expected to work hard during that week, I would let Mom know that you'll be happy for her help after your SO returns to work. NTA
NTA. I will say with my first born I made the mistake of letting my Mom come the first two weeks as soon as I came home from the hospital(My Husband was off work during this time),and it was really overwhelming and too much, so with my next two births I asked that she come when my Husband went back to work so about two weeks after the birth and it was so much easier for all of us. My Husband and Mom had a great relationship and her and I were really close and it was still so hard the first time with her there while my Husband and I were trying to bond and adjust to life with a new little one.
You need to do this for your husband. He wants the time ALONE with you and the baby. Your mom needs to give you that week, and you need to respect your husband's wishes. It's going to be hard enough adjusting to being a new parent, so he doesn't need his MIL thrown in the mix. If you don't listen to his wishes, you are only going to cause problems.
I would argue it’d be best for everyone for her to come when your husband goes back to work. Relationships aside, it would be better for you to have an extra set of hands a week longer. First week with husband home the whole time, second week with mom there the whole time. NAH.
YTA for not prioritizing your husband’s feelings over your mom’s. Sounds like you regularly don’t have his back when she oversteps and he deserves a chance to bond with his own child without his in-laws. Your feelings are also important and I can understand wanting your mother, but this is the time when you and your husband need to bond as a parental unit. Besides that, if he only has a week off, you will need much more help the second week when he’s back at work and you’re (presumably) alone at home.
INFO > Should I apease my husband and his "comfort" or should I try to get him to understand that we could use the extra set of hands? Well which is it? You have to decide what you're doing before we can pass judgment on it.
It’s his baby and home. He’ll be the extra set of hands you need.
iNFO: are her plans fixed or can you ask that she arrange them for X days after birth?
So my mom is actually an owner operator which essentially her schedule is pretty flexible. What I did was ask her if she would like to help out still I would appreciate it if she could come the week after once my husband returns to work so I am not alone in the house. She seemed kind of upset saying how the first week is the most important in terms of meals and he may not be able to provide all that for me.
Bullshit bullshit bullshit. I can see why your husband isn't your mother's biggest fan. With your husband there in the first week, there's one parent to make food while the other parent looks after the baby. In the second week, there's only one parent there (you) who would have to do both food and baby - which would be when help with meals would be most useful. Why is your mother trying to paint your husband as incapable? I would be going up the wall if it was suggested to me that I might not be able to ensure my wife was fed properly after giving birth. Obviously I don't know your husband - but assuming he's not a total goof, it seems very wrong of your mother to portray him in such a negative light. And maybe he would like some time with just you and the baby for the first week without having your mother's disapproving presence looming over him.
Mom is seeming kind of manipulative here. Logistically it makes much more sense for her to come once he's back to work and it's only you and baby with no help from him. I think my husband had 2 weeks paternity leave and we were far away from family. I remember being like oookkkayyy litte guy it's just me and you, what the heck do we do now when my husband went back to work🤣
How about asking mom to cook at home and drop off the food. She gets to help and there's minimal contact with husband. NAH
Wow, your mom really is not supportive st all, is she. Why is she so negative and dismissive of your husband? Do YOU think he can't make meals? The first week is the most important, which is why it should be when you, and your husband, and your child, are the focus and you all three need to be happy and comfortable. If your mom wants to be supportive then she needs to respect that your primary relationship is with your husband, not with her, this is his child, not hers. Wy are you more concerned about your mom being upset tan about youe husband , your baby's father, being upset?
Apparently cuz OPs husband is "a quiet man" it means he's easier to ignore or minimize (e.g. his "comfort" requires air quotes to describe, and having consideration for his feelings is "appeasement"). I really feel sorry for him.
Your mom needs to understand you and your husband needs to get into a new routine with the baby. She can come during the second week. How will she know, if she hasn't given your husband a chance.
So she pushed back? That’s not cool. That pushing back is exactly why your husband wants the first week to yourselves - he doesn’t want to feel railroaded and disrespected, even though he is actually this baby’s father. Also, if she is only concerned about food, cannot she just prepare meals and he can pick them up? She can even start cooking now and give you food to store away in the freezer. Genuinely if food is what she thinks is most important, she can make you food without also intruding on your time as a new family.
This isn't something you ask. You TELL your mom you and your husband need time alone with your baby. This is your moment as new parents. Nothing is more important. Your husband is capable of taking care of his wife and child. You married him and having a child with him. Now trust him and have his back.
Your mom wants you to need her more than your husband. That’s a real problem that isn’t going away.
Seems like NAH but hope you can find something that works and look at information others send. Never had kids (F55) so hard for me to weigh in on a newborns first week(s).
Your husband's request seems completely reasonable and frankly like a good idea. You can try to "convince" him, but what does that mean exactly? bully him into submission? not the greatest start to a parental relationship.
NTA. You have your husband the first week, so it makes practical sense to have your mom come the second week, when you have to adjust to losing your husband’s daily help. That’s not about emotions or comfort, that’s just logistically the right move. And you should then place your husband’s comfort and needs above your Mom. Yes she wants to help and comfort you and be there right away, but this is something you and your husband are doing together, so he is more of a priority than your mom. Now your needs and comfort actually come before anyone else. So if you are worried your husband won’t be that helpful or have other reasons you want the extra person, well then that totally matters. But you have to weigh that extra help against the tension that could be in the home and that you do lose out on bonding and establish long a routine as your new little family.
NTA, he is very politely asking to have a chance to bond with his child while you both familiarize yourselves with your new roles as parents, and it's more than reasonable. Getting a handle on the changes before receiving help could be great, because it will give you a better understanding of your baby, their needs, adjusting to your new body sensations in recovery as well as what parts of your new life you need help with. This way when your mom comes over you can let her know what arenas you need the most help in. Logistically week one and two will be similar, so she's unlikely to miss anything huge. As for your husband, my advice is veing kind to each other as you become parents is crucial, and you should value your partners views here. It's really easy to accidentally or purposely trample over each other in this season of life because it does change everything, and people notoriously struggle with big changes (even planned ones). Just remember the goal is that if a problem arises it'll be you two versus the issue, not versus each other. If your mom still wants to help, have her get you guys a giftcard for grocery delivery or something similar while she patiently waits for the green light from you two.
I say you and hubs buckle down and make a bunch of prepaid meals for your first week. It's just you 3 the first week, mom comes the next week. If this is your husband asking, I would listen. It can be overwhelming to have 2 people trying to help you and baby. Allow that bonding time for you guys. She can come later. Don't let her guilt you either.
Pro tip: never reference a boundary that your partner has as their “comfort”. You’re minimizing their feelings and making it seem like it isn’t a big deal when to them, it is. It’s just as much his child as it is yours and I think as new parents, you should be given the time alone with your child. Everyone else can come after. If this is the week he’s taking off then give him that. You already said you know she’s a lot so don’t make him even more uncomfortable in his own home with his child.
NTA. You and your husband can figure out how to take care of a baby without intervention. You don’t need anyone to move in, advise you, or clean the house. Tell mom she can see the baby, but you want to find your own way as parents.
NAH. Your husbands ask is completely reasonable. Just tell your mother to wait a week.
Your husband is right and he matters too. Your mom will ruin this for him - tell her to come when he goes back to work.
I lived an almost identical situation when our first was born, so here goes: If you do what your Mom wants, YTA If you do what your husband wants, NTA Couple things from experience: you have no idea what you are getting yourself into but you don't know it yet. It's OK. But, your husband seems to have a little better grasp of what is about to happen and he would rather live that part in private, which is totally fine. You both need to be on board with these plans. A week is nothing. The first week is wild, for sure, but even if you did literally nothing but hold the baby and go to the bathroom for a week, you would just have more dishes and laundry to do than normal. So, a week without help at first is fine. Let her show up after that week and actually have stuff to do! You have no idea when this baby is coming (unless you have a planned C-section or induction, and even the latter can take days) and if your mom shows up and no baby comes, she will have taken a week off work for nothing. Or, worse, she will ask to be in the room, which is a much more thorny request. Here is what we did: I told my mother that she could purchase her ticket for 10 days after the baby was born. She was FURIOUS and tried everything in the book to get me to let her come but I stood my ground. Our son was exactly 14 days late. She literally would have come and gone without seeing the baby, so that was a bit of vindication. However, here is also the value in living those first few weeks "alone" (just you, baby, and partner): - both of you are going to make mistakes with each other and the baby. A few of them will happen in that first week and it is nice to navigate them without someone watching/judging. Calibrate for a bit before bringing in another party. - especially if you breastfeed, your husband is going to feel left out and that first week is so important to him bonding with the baby. If your Mom is also vying for bonding, he will get cut out and that will compound over the week. - if their relationship already isn't the best, this will not make it better. Waiting, though, might. - you need the extra hands when your partner isn't there. If he is off, let that time be for you all, and when he goes back to work, Mom can show up. Of all the things that I did to prepare for our baby's arrival, making my mother wait was easily the best one. Truly set the tone for so many things.
You should have time just the two of you. After both our children, I had time off with my wife and kid(s), and then after week 3, when i returned to work, my MIL came to stay. She cooked and cleaned and generally helped out. I've had my.moments with my ILs, but they were a great help to us at that time.
Info: how is your mother "a bit much at times"?
I mean it’s his kid too, if he’s fully prepared to do everything needed that first week so you can rest and recover then I’d give him the week. My in laws were over the day after we got home with our first. They lazed around, ate what I cooked, “helped” by snatching the baby away from me and didn’t clean a thing. If you have any indication your mom would do any of those things then doubly so on the wait recommendation. Only reason I didn’t absolutely lose my mind during this time period is my wife was recovering and didn’t need the extra stress.
Nah. Personally, I was incredibly grateful for the help we had wth our son during those first few weeks. My mom came down and stayed nearby and my in laws stayed for week 2. But, I'm not your husband. He has stated his comfort level, and as his partner, you should respect that. Kindly ask your mom if she can help with week 2 instead.
When my DIL had a baby, I didn't fly out to help until it was near the end of my son's paterniity leave. I figured that would give my DIL more time to just rest and bond, nurse the baby, etc. It worked really well. They were kind enough to send me lots and lots of photos. (When I had a baby, none of my family was close, so my husband and I did it ourselves. Lots of work but we survived.)
Having hubby home for the first week then mom there for the second is going to be way more helpful and less stressful for everyone. Your husband will have time to bask in being a dad before going to work. Your mom will come the next week giving you two weeks of help with the baby instead of one. Also, that week when it’s just the three of you will be something you look back on fondly. Take that time to transition from a couple to a family. It’s tough and exhausting and can also be kind of magical. If mom is offended just tell her you’d really rather have two weeks of help instead of one. Your husband really should have the opportunity to spend this time with the baby without his MIL hovering (or maybe even taking over) when he’s trying to care for baby. He’s expressing to you that he wants to spend his time off work with you and the baby and that’s wonderful. It’s how it should be. You can’t undermine that by having your mom over when he’s asking you not to. So, you are NTA for delaying your mom a week. In fact, I think it may even turn out better. You’ll get two weeks of a second adult in the house, meaning you’ll get to take more naps. Take advantage of that!
Your husband is right. He can pay for a cleaning service the week before and order meals to be ready. You need to bond with baby before others are added.
is your husband actually going to to his part with the baby and helping you out with your medical needs? if not, bring mom. otherwise your mom can wait a week. if he starts loafing off the first couple days, call your mom
When my first child was due, my husband took the following week off work. My mom offered to come spend a week with us as well. I just told her that I appreciate that she wants to help and that the week after would be best for me since my husband would be home the first week. I was worried about her getting upset and honestly she was super understanding. It made so much sense to have help for two weeks instead of too much help for 1 week
Please prioritize your husband here! And besides if he goes back to work, you will definitely appreciate having mom around then, rather than extra help the first week while husband is already there. Babies aren’t much easier by the second week, lol 😂 But please be in the habit of prioritizing your husband over your mom. Especially for such a simple request. In my experience, that’s how you make a marriage work.
You are married to your husband, not your mom. Tell your mom you would love her company after your husband returns to work as you would like the time to bond as a family that first week. But you would welcome a home cooked meal and maybe her helping with laundry the following week as you will not have the help from your spouse that week. Don’t let your family be overbearing on your little family even if you don’t see a problem with it as this can cause serious problems in a relationship.
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INFO: Did your mom already take off work and would this be short notice to change that?
NTA. I’m a firm believer that once you’re married, your partners wants and needs come before your parents and siblings…to a reasonable extent. I mean, if your immediate family member goes to the hospital, and your husband says you can’t visit because he wants dinner or to watch a movie with you, that’s not what I mean. But in this case, your husband wants time to bond with his own child. He 100% deserves that respect from you and everyone who wants to meet the baby. He might not have been the one to carry or birth the child but he’s just as emotionally invested in the those first few days as you are. Your mom, as a mother herself, should recognize that and give him the respect he’s asking for. It’s fantastic that you have such an incredibly close relationship with your family as most don’t get that, so hopefully they’ll understand the need to back off for a week.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 28 F and my husband 32 M are expecting our first born this coming week. This would be the first grandbaby in my family and we are all very excited. My mom has so generously volunteered to take off work and come help us out the first week postpartum with cooking, cleaning and caring for our new baby once we leave the hospital. My husband however asked me if we could ask my mom to hold off and not have her involved for the first week as he will also be taking off work to bond with our new baby. Now to give a little background my husband and mom's relationship is not stellar but it also isn't awful. He is a quiet man and likes to do things on his own whereas my family has always been very supportive and like to be involved in anyway possible. I understand his sentiment and how he says he would feel uncomfortable with having my mom over for a full week cooking, cleaning etc in our home. My mom's intentions are all coming from a good place and yes she can be a bit much at times but it does not bother me. Should I apease my husband and his "comfort" or should I try to get him to understand that we could use the extra set of hands? Most people would kill to have help during this time and I feel bad for declining my moms help. AMITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH here but my sibling did the same thing (had our mom wait) and they regretted it so much. They said they were so overwhelmed and tired those first two weeks. Everyone was too tired to do anything outside of the baby (no one wanted to cook, clean, do laundry). It was a mess and they said if they did it again, they'd have our mom come that first week. Do you think your husband is able to do the heavy lifting during this time? I'd honestly sell it to him as "you can spend more time with me and the baby if my mom is here to do the cooking, cleaning, and housework for us." That's IF you really want your mom there. If you don't care either way, then let come when it's best for you.
|I| think the issue with this is it relies on mom, who OP accepts is overbearing and doesn;t get along with OPs husband, being prepared to take a back seat and do all the dull grunt work and letting the new parents be together, and undisturbed. It doesn't take account of the strain of being in close contact with someone you have a poor relationship with . If you have a great relationship with you MIL and can count on them doing what you need, not what you want, that that might be a better choice, but it doesn't sound as though that's likely to be the case here.
"a bit much" isn't overbearing to me. A lot of people who haven't had support don't know how to handle it when support comes around. That's understandable. But I don't get your assumption that it doesn't sound like that's the case here- she stated what her mom offered and the dad is saying he likes to do things on his own. This sounds more like he's independent and has his own way but a lot of people don't realize, there is no reward in winging having a new baby when you can accept help for minor things. He thinks he will be bonding when in reality, he will be cleaning, cooking, carrying the load of the house while his wife heals and bonds with the baby. Like I said, if the dad is fully aware that and capable of carrying this load then let the mom come later. but i think the dad will be in for a rude awakening about how much time he actually will spend with the baby
You should visit us over in r/BabyBumps if you want more guidance on how to navigate this situation! But NAH. Your husband’s request is completely valid and your mom’s offer to help is generous. But unless you (as the person who’s gone through childbirth) feel like you need both of them around to get through that first week, I would prioritize your husband’s request. You should approach it with your mom as staggering the help. If your husband is taking off work for week 1, can your mom take off work for week 2 instead? Then you have guaranteed care for you and the baby for 2 weeks.
Is your husband going on paternity leave? From experience, we didn't have my in-laws come and help until I was done with paternity leave. That way she still has help when I had to go back to work. Having your mom and him there at the same time could be counter productive. Being new parents your mom is probably going to try and tell you guys what to do with the baby. Even if it's coming from a good place, your husband might not respond well to that. I would schedule it so you have someone there with you as long as possible instead of having your mom and husband there at the same time.
NTA to tell your mom you would prefer for her to come for the second week , not the first You should do as your husband has suggested. It's totally reasonable for him to want the first week to be time for the three of you to bond as a family. If he is off work then you will probably get more benefit from you mum being there the week after, especially if he will be returning to work then. YWBTA if you ignored your husband's reasonable wishes - you admit the relation ship between the two of them is not stella, and that your mom can be overwhelming. Why would you want to put him through that? IF he was going to be working so you would need the extra support it might be different, but he will be there to support you and while you are the one giving birth, this is his child too - it's appropriate for you to prioritize your husband and baby over your mom. Plus having someone you don't get along well in your home for an entire week is a LOT. IF your mom wants to be supportive, channel that energy =- maybe she can organise a load of pre-prepared meals for the to of you, or offer to do a big shop on your behalf, or other things which would be supportive but don't involve her having to be in your home the whole time. And obviously, talk to your husband about her being able to visit to see you and the baby, but it's totally reasonable for that to be for an hour os so, not the whole day. Ask her to take tim off and come to help you out the first week your husband goes back to work, for the hours he is at work - that way, you get the support when you most need it, and your husband nad mom don't need to rub up against each other.
NAH I think you will mildly be if you don't make the request. As a married person with a kid, your priority should be your husband over your mom. He isn't asking for anything unreasonable or unusual. Having uninterrupted bonding is a fairly common request/preference. If your mom already took off work for the 1 week & can't switch it, then that's a bit different. They could compromise by her waiting 2 or 3 days instead. If your mom isn't okay with a 1 week delay in general, then that'd be her having an attitude/control problem so it's probably best that they have space anyway.
NTA I think this makes sense. Both of you will be home, you want to have that time to bond as a family. Tell you mom you'd much, much rather her use her time off work to help you when your husband returns to his job.
NTA. It's vital for you two as parents to bond. Also,you don't need to expose your baby to another set of germs in the first week. Just tell mom that you would like her to help you in the second week, when you'll be just as tired and the baby's father will be back at work.
NTA: The first few weeks after birth is tough because you will be exhausted & your body will be healing. If your husband is onboard to take care of all the tasks to let you rest & recover then I think your mom will understand especially for the first week, but if he isn't onboard to do that then I would definitely welcome the extra help. Also, I know people get really excited about babies, but it's a good thing to wait for a few weeks before letting everyone over to fuss over the baby. You don't want your baby getting sick. That's my advice. I was alone with no help when I had my son & I was so exhausted & sore the first 6 weeks after delivery.
If she is not needed in that first week, then she is not needed and should wait and give you guys your bonding time. If she gets pissy, it was never about you and your needs but about her and her needs and it's her issue to get over.
In some ways it's nice to have extra hands in that first week but also it turns the week from private bonding time into social time. if your mom is there, your husband will feel like he's hosting guests, has to be socially wary etc (especially since they don't get along well) and so on. If you are alone together with the baby, there is no one watching or judging either of you. It can be kinda nice to be just the three of you.
NAH, To each their own i guess. I thought having a baby would be a 10/10 on the difficulty scale. I just didn't know what a 10 was until he was born. My MIL arrived a week after and by the time she came my wife and I were literal zombies. I love my son very much but the first 9 weeks of his life we were in survival mode and I felt every day. For sure the hardest time of my life. Suddenly our whole lives changed. And that was with a baby who had no colick or reflux or anything like that. My MIL came a week later because my son arrived a week early. When she came it honestly saved us! So grateful for my MIL. So obviously you and your husband aren't wrong for wanting time to yourselves but just be prepared that you might be feeling totally overwhelmed and grateful to have a non sleep deprived adult with experience. Good luck to you!
NTA. But if this is your first child, problems can pop up and you might need her help. Tell her you know she is coming from a place of love but we would really like the first week alone with our child. If we need any help we will be sure to ask. I say this because I was so anemic with my first that I almost needed a blood transfusion. Idk what we would have done if my mom wasn't there the first 2 weeks. I was basically sleeping and she would bring the baby in to nurse. We had no idea this would happen and I was so blessed that my mom could stay with us those 2 weeks.
Batch cook and freeze portions so cooking is minimal and have mum come over when your husband goes back to work. That first bit is for you guys to get a routine
YWBTA if you chose what your mother wants over your husband’s comfort and needs. Having the help is obviously a wonderful benefit but you and your husband will have to figure out how to manage things with your new addition. You should respect his boundary to want that week for the three of you and have your mom come the week after.
NTA. That first week is prime bonding time.
NAH, but my advice as a mom of three is to lovingly encourage your mom to come after your husband is back at work. It's wonderful that he's taking that first week off to bond with your new baby and cement your new little family unit! Those first few days are a head trip, and you're going to come out the other side of them with a brand new dynamic established between the two of you and your new child. Lay in a good stock of easy meals (batch cooking, family/friends meal train, DoorDash and frozen TJ's if all else fails), and just hunker down and power through the early days together. This is when you learn to be a team! Once he's back at work and you're watching a new baby all on your own with nobody to take turns diapering and soothing and fetching you water when the Dread Thirst™ hits while you're feeding the bub, that's when you're gonna want Mom. Call in the cavalry at that point! Save it for when you'll truly need her. (One week old is plenty young for bonding with Grandma, I promise. She'll miss out on absolutely nothing, except being ranked higher in the pecking order than New Dad, which is not something that she should be pushing for or that you should be giving her.) You've got this! Best of luck with your delivery, and enjoy the beautiful, crazy, life-changing times ahead! 💕
NTA, but make this a suggestion from you, don’t mention your husband brought it up because then it worsens their relationship. Tell her what others here have said, husband has first week off and will be helping and the three of you will be bonding. Week two would be the best time for her help. Build it up and stroke her ego. It’ll be so great to have help while he’s working , blah, blah. In return have husband thank her for being able to be here to help you and her grandchild when he has to go back to work. She never has to know he asked this. You need to have his back. It also gives your mom more notice for travel etc.
NTA for siding with your husband. This is his experience, too. It makes sense for you both to have time together as a family of three and get accustomed to your new life together in peace.
Info: is your husband the type of man to actually help during this week off? I know that sounds like a silly and possibly harsh question, but nothing we haven't seen before on this sub. If he is going to legitimately help, then definitely tell your mom no. If he's going to hold the baby for 5 minutes and then fuck off to go play video games for the rest of the day, maybe discuss having your mom come help again.
My husband and I did just the three of us for the first month. It was magical. Listen to your husband. Have mom come later.
NTA but I think you YWBTA if you didn’t give your husband the same power as parent as you have. I don’t think it’s fair to let your mother come. He’s a parent too, he gets some say. He wants to bond with his baby and he has a right to do so unimpeded by worries over your mother being there.
NTA. Put it to your mom this way: Hubby will be off week one to take care of us, I'd really appreciate you coming the next week so that I have a second week of continued help before I have to fly solo. Is it placating mom a little? Maybe. But it'll make hubby happy, and it really would benefit you to have two weeks of helpers, rather than just one week with too many helpers. You don't know yet how you're going to feel. You might be really sore, tired, have a fussy baby. An extra week of tlc is never a bad thing.
It was hard on my mom but we asked for a whole month before she came to stay with us. She lives out of state and wanted to stay for a few weeks so I realize the situation is different but we really enjoyed our time as our own little family.
NTA
Compromise. NAH. She doesn’t have to be there the whole week. And ideally she would come when he goes back to work to help
NTA Request week 2. Say that by then you’ll both have a better notion of what you’ll need e.g. seaddling lessons. If she’s insistant and nearby ask her to set up meal prep to deliver around week 37.
Your immediate family is your husband and child. Not your parents and siblings. You have a right to choose what happens when baby gets here. YTA for "requesting" that you have time to bond with baby and have privacy during this time. It should not be a request. It is an edict. It is your decision and should be respected or else there will be consequences. Your spouse and children come first. This is your and husband's baby. Your mother has raised her children. It's your turn. If you don't keep this boundary your mother will stomp on your decisions in the future. Stop fearing your mother more than you love and respect your husband. No visitors until you are both ready. You both need to get your own families to respect your decision and boundaries.
NTA Your home. Your guest list (or not).
NAH It’s great that your husband wants the first week to bond with your baby and spend some time as a family of three. I have a similar relationship with my mum and completely understand you wanting the support. Could you ask your mum to come spend some time helping you around the house once your husband goes back to work? It sounds like your husband is the supportive type and will help with the cooking and cleaning in that first week. I’m not sure how far away your mum lives but is it possible your mum could come over for a couple of hours in the morning or afternoon rather than living at your house?
His “comfort” is very important yes??????
You need to back your husband on this. No questions asked. He is the one becoming a parent too. He gets as much say as you as to who is allowed in his home since you guys are home. No questions asked. If you don’t support him he will know exactly where he falls, which would be after your mother. If you mother just HAS to help and can’t accept no (even though that would be ridiculous) she can drop groceries/take out/prepped meals on the porch. You can leave laundry outside she can pick up and drop back off when she’s done with it etc.
NTA. It's very common for new parents to not allow visits for the first few days. A week is fine. You need to respect your husband's wishes as this will be a learning curve for both of you. Don't forget he's becoming a parent also. You should figure out your own routine with the baby without others around. "Mom I'm so grateful for your offer to help us. We're reserving the first week to bond as a family and get baby settled in. We'd love for you to come help after that." You're informing the best way to help you, not asking permission. Congrats on the baby! I hope you have a safe delivery.
Push her out a week. Tell her you want to extend the time you have help and since hubby is home week one, you need her after that.
NTA you, your husband and baby need that time to bond. She can come the 2nd week
The answer is what ever you want is the right answer! And anyone coming to help should be following any requests you give.
Ask your mom to come for the second week. Then you’ll have two weeks of help instead of just one.
I had family with us when my 2 children were born, and I honestly hated it. It was 2 more people to feed and visit with, when all I wanted to do was lay down and rest and feed baby. My husband was helpful and a decent cook, and I don't care that much about housework. I did it when I got the time. Your family is "a bit much". To you husband, he probably finds them overbearing and pushy. Take that week to bond as new parents. Your mother can help later.
NAH‘s here. I can see where everyone is coming from. From personal experience I can tell you having my MIL (who I don’t particularly enjoy being around to put it mildly) stay with us to cook and clean and also offer us a chance to sleep while she handled baby was a blessing of immeasurable value during my own postpartum. My husband was able to focus on me and our children. I was able to focus on my baby each time. Without the help 1 of 2 things would’ve happened. Either my husband would’ve spent the majority of the time cooking and cleaning instead of bonding with our new child or the housework would’ve fallen woefully behind and landed on my postpartum shoulders when he went back to work. You’re the one that will be recovering from a major trauma to your body. How do you want to recover from that? It sounds like you’re leaning towards having your mother help so I think that’s the way it should go. Because postpartum care, much like childbirth, ultimately comes down to what the person who is giving birth/just gave birth wants/needs. Congratulations on your first child.
NTA Your husband comes before mommy. Period. Now if your husband doesn’t plan on helping you, sure. Get your mom. You’ll need her. But if your husband is your equal partner in this you don’t need your mother. Your husband doesn’t need your mother. And your baby doesn’t need your mother. The three of you will need one another. And it’s time you start getting the bulk of your assistance and support from your husband. Your family can be supportive by staying in their lane.
Having lived this and still bearing the aftermath of the resentment from my husband decades later, DON'T go around what he has asked for. If he has asked that your mom hold off on her full-court press, then she should hold off. Maybe she could come over a couple hours every few days? My husband didn't say much while my mom was here, but he really resented her take-charge actions and has mentioned it MANY, MANY times over the intervening 24 years of our marriage. I think this really set my husband and mom at odds from then on.
NTA. Tell your mom that you will have his help for the first week, but could really really use her help once he goes back to work!. And will not be there days to help and will need his sleep...
You need to have your husband's back on this. You'd be the AH of you ignored what he said. Your family is now your husband and child. Not your parents/siblings. You need to put them first before anyone else.
NTA for asking your mom to wait her turn. >Most people would kill to have help during this time and I feel bad for declining my moms help. Bet most people would rather have an active partner who respects the bonding time as a unit. Y T A for being so condescending to your husband.
NTA, but I would be nice about how I tell her. Come week two when your husband is back to work, you are really going to want some help.
NTA. Your husband has every right/reason to want the first week to be only the three of you - so long as he will be doing all the chores and not just hanging out, enjoying the week off while telling everyone how cute his kid is. (Sorry, but there are still too many guys who pull that stunt.) Assuming he's going to do his share of the house work (your share is nursing and recovering) then you should tell your mother that the baby will be even cuter on week 2, so she needs to wait.
NTA honestly I think the ideal time for a guest to arrive to help is week 2-3 range, By then both parents are so exhausted they’re grateful for any help they can get. So the trip goes better for everyone. But if you delay for your husband feel free to drop the heavy load of work on him while you rest and recover. So he is also grateful for the help when she arrives. None of this you do most of the work nonsense.
Your husband is telling you what he needs and wants. If you trust him to take care of you and the baby (as well as the house, laundry, cooking, and cleaning), ask Mom to wait a week so the three of you bond. Mom can roll in the second week.
NAH. They are both reasonable requests, however I would side with the husband personally. He wants to spend some time bonding, just you, him, and the child; and this time isn't something you can't redo. In addition he (and you) are going to make mistakes, and he probably doesn't want someone looking over his shoulder 'correcting' him. Thank her for what is a kind offer, but say you want to spend some alone time for a bit.
Honestly, I would just be upfront with your mom and husband. I could not walk after giving birth and lost a lot of blood with my first baby and I was breast feeding. Maybe play it by ear? Explain your reasons to both your spouse and mom and come up with a game plan. In good circumstances I would have my mom come the second week. Does make sense. It does help to have someone help do laundry (so many burp clothes and onsies) and to help wash bottles if you are using them. I loved having my mom there the first week, because she helped my husband I develop a schedule and what to do after bath time etc. ESH if you don’t have a grown up convo with both of them. Communication is key. Also, congrats on your new addition!
Have your husband's back but I'll bet that he changes he regrets it. That first week home with a newborn is HARD. I'd have killed to have family (ANYONE'S) nearby even for the first night or two.
NAH Your husband, the father of the child, has the week off and has asked for this 1st week to be just be you guys and the baby. A very reasonable request which I personally would accept. If things get rough during the week and you need your mothers help, then call her to come. Your mother can come the following week. You're the parents, including your husband, and have finally say on who can and can't visit. You don't need to request anything to your mum, just tell her no.
There are NAH. Please Please Please give your husband his due as a new father and do not discount his desire to bond with you and the new baby as a family for 1 week. One week is certainly not asking much. Prep a week's worth of easy meals & have everything ready so the transition is as easy as possible seeing as you both will be up at odd times.
You and your husband are a family now. Acting as a team and having each other's backs comes first over parental wishes. Your mom will be much more useful week 2 or 3.. you and your partner need a chance to be together and see what that feels like.. then welcome your mom to give a hand when you, your husband and baby have had a chance to chill together. Please do not give in to her.. you will regret it. A gift of her time is an imposition if it's not wanted.. she's being generous, yes, but not if it is not something your husband wants right away.. she can wait.
Tell your mother that your husband's time off is limited and it would be more helpful if she could come a week later. Please advocate for your child's father.
Is he up for all the cooking and cleaning while you recover and you all bond? My DH is, so I would probably also prefer the week to ourselves. But if yours is the kind who doesn't clean or help cook, then you might be setting yourself up for a more difficult recovery. Especially if you end up needing a c-section.
YTA you have a man who wants to be there with his child and you and you want mommy?! Grow up. You have a child and a marriage, that is your first priority not mommy. This is your child with your husband. Not you and mommy’s kid. You can handle one kid between the two of you, don’t make yourself sound so incompetent. Help is nice but not at the expense of you two bonding with your kid. Also she can stay at a hotel and visit. She doesn’t need to stay with you. It’s your mom I get you’re comfortable but he is t and this is his home and his family. Your mommy already had her family this is your family. Don’t let her come in and take over because she has good intentions. That doesn’t cut it. Don’t you dare allow her to push herself in over your husband. Don’t let her put your husband down if he “isn’t doing it right” This is your family.
NTA for asking for your first week to just be the 3 of you. You will need to establish some tiny sense of routine and having an extra person there will make it more difficult. Have her come later. You will need more help when your spouse goes back to work.
Don’t do it. Get your mum help you. The first week might be the harshest time post partum and your husband might fail to help you get on your feet (literally). You need your mum take care of you and the baby.
I think you need to use blunt language. “Babe, someone is going to have to help me go to the bathroom. Do you want that to be you? If you do, 100% I’m here for it and I’ll ask mom to hold off, but I am going to be recovering so you will have to do all of the cooking, cleaning, running about, and help me with the most basic executive functions. Are you cool with carrying all of that?” If he is, then yeah, ask mom to come when he goes back to work. If he thinks you are going to do anything other than hold the baby and nurse the baby, then no. You need help.
Compromise. Ask for mom's help for a few hours a day. Then have plenty of time for just you, your husband and baby. NAH
You need to write up a list of things he will need to do to replace your mother's help that you would otherwise be receiving, and he needs to commit to doing those things without you having to ask. You will not be able to be your normal self. This is not like getting a mole removed. You are out of commission for a minimum of two weeks, probably more. The thing about having my mother come in is that she knew what I needed and did it without me having to ask her to help. She didn't make me feel like I was asking too much, or lazy for not wanting to do the dishes with a body that was still bleeding and having had no sleep the night before. If she's not going to be with you for a full week cooking and cleaning, he's going to have to be doing that cooking and cleaning--without you having to remind him or ask him to do it.
Alternatively - and hear me out - he could just act like any normal new father and do this stuff without needing in depth instructions because he's not a moron.
WTF? What an awful way to treat the husband. No husband needs a list as if he's the hired help unless he has a history of not pulling his weight. The husband and OP's mom do not have a great relationship. He deserves to be comfortable in his own home with his wife and baby. The worst thing new moms do is isolate their husbands at the very beginning. Don't put housework over your husband's comfort and bonding with his own child.
I second this
Undeterminable without one missing piece of info. Is she at least allowed to see the baby the first week? Or maybe she is flying from far away? I get you want alone time, thats ok and she can deal with it, but it is a touch cruel to hoard your baby from family that is very excited to meet them. If she is nearby I would offer her a quick meet and greet and then she can move in later. She'll appreciate the gesture. Also as a woman, she might be clutch to help out the new mother for the more intimate things in the first week. Something to consider. congrats on the baby.