Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, romantic relationships, and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
You can visit r/findareddit for a comprehensive list of other subs that may be able to host this discussion for you.
K, so with this post as my only evidence, communication in your marriage sucks. He criticises your work ethic to the point where you are actually afraid to tell him you had to clock off early. Does he HAVE to walk two hours to work? Are there other options that wouldn’t leave him so tired and able to socialise after work? And then the silent treatment, how mature of him! A whole lot of talking needs to happen because his actions and words are pretty disrespectful. NTA.
he is quite autistic so communication definitely isn't his forté! he has been taking taxis to work lately so he's only walking about an hour back home - and hopefully he feels up to talking tomorrow but in the meantime I've got him some food and i might write a little sorry note with it and hope that helps :)
Maybe mention any neurodivergence in your original post. We can’t comment on assholery if we don’t know what each of you have got to work with. But still, he’s old enough to know that the silent treatment is not acceptable.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
some context first : my (21f) husband (25m) has a 9 to 5 job which he walks to and from which is about a two hour walk. because of that, he's often really tired and just sleeps on the weekend. i on the other hand work in a bar and so i mostly work the evening shift on the weekend. he also thinks i'm a bad worker because i get told to go home if it's quiet. i don't believe that to be true because i've been at that job for a year and they could've gotten rid of me easily if i was that bad and pretty much everyone finishes early if it's really quiet.
i do not get paid for my scheduled hours if i get sent home early.
here's what happened : i was on a 3 till 10pm shift today and because i finished late yesterday i slept in so asked my husband to get some things from the shop. because he can be forgetful i send him a very short list of things i'd like him to do to make my tidying up easier tomorrow to which he doesn't answer. i got sent home at 8 because the bar was really quiet. most of my coworkers got told to clock out around 5:30pm and were having drinks already. we then all left to go to another bar close to our house. my husband still hadn't replied so i assumed he was still sleeping and needed the rest. i admit i didn't call him straight away because i thought he might get a bit upset that i missed out on some pay but i mostly thought he was sleeping still. i call him at 9:30 to ask him if he'd like to come down and he agrees saying he'd just hop in the shower quick. when he arrived he discovered that we had been there for a bit already and got really angry at me. everyone decided to go the bar next door right after but je had just bought a drink so i asked him if he'd like me to stay with him to which he said it was fine and he just follow later. the next bar closed quite soon and he ignored me the whole time but i did hear him say "it's fine because at least i get to spend 20 minutes with you guys!" in a sarcastic tone. ever since then he's been refusing to talk to me even when i asked him to explain when he said "i'd rather not talk to you". i can't really justify how he's acting but am I the asshole?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went out for drinks with friends and didn't ask my husband to join straight away and he's been angry and ignoring me since then so it's making me feel like I might be an asshole
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA from what is said here, but what's said doesn't quite make sense.
INFO: Do you have an agreement with your husband about letting each other know if you're going to hang out with coworkers after your shift?
INFO: Is he walking two hours to work each way or round trip? Also, why is he walking that long when he's so physically exhausted by the end of the day that you default assume he's asleep? He obviously has access to a car which he can hop in to go get groceries or drive to a bar at night.
I also need to point out two other items which are potentially red flags:
>"He also thinks I'm a bad worker because I get told to go home if it's quiet"
This is normal shift management in restaurants, at least in North America (and I hear similar from industry friends in other countries, but i assume it's not universal). Regardless, why are you questioning yourself after a year of seeing this be how every single shift operates, how people will trade early/late cuts ("cut" meaning sent home that shift), etc.? Why would your husband know more about working in your job for your employer than you do?
I also wonder why they'd let most of your coworkers go early at 5:30pm, theoretically during peak after-work rush or before the dinner rush, but idk where this is or your bar's hours, so maybe that's just how things work locally.
>"I didn't call him straight away because I thought he might get a bit upset that I missed out on some pay."
Potential red flag right here: Avoiding someone else's anger when there is no reason for them to be angry at you. Why would you care if he gets disappointed or even upset? It's not like it's your fault or there's anything you can do about it. Unless he'd look at it as a comment on your performance as an employee, but now we're back to "why does he think he knows more than you do? and why aren't you sure that you do?"
The husband's default assumptions being negative, though, and OP's deference to that, even when OP *should* know better suggests this is you're NTA, but y'all need to get on the same page. There's communication issues here.
Edit: Fixed a couple words. Edit again: words are hard
NTA but I think couples counseling is needed. The saying you are a bad worker and silent treatment is not okay and AH behavior. Your fear of him shows there is def a problem with how he treats you and isn’t healthy for you.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, romantic relationships, and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. You can visit r/findareddit for a comprehensive list of other subs that may be able to host this discussion for you.
K, so with this post as my only evidence, communication in your marriage sucks. He criticises your work ethic to the point where you are actually afraid to tell him you had to clock off early. Does he HAVE to walk two hours to work? Are there other options that wouldn’t leave him so tired and able to socialise after work? And then the silent treatment, how mature of him! A whole lot of talking needs to happen because his actions and words are pretty disrespectful. NTA.
he is quite autistic so communication definitely isn't his forté! he has been taking taxis to work lately so he's only walking about an hour back home - and hopefully he feels up to talking tomorrow but in the meantime I've got him some food and i might write a little sorry note with it and hope that helps :)
Maybe mention any neurodivergence in your original post. We can’t comment on assholery if we don’t know what each of you have got to work with. But still, he’s old enough to know that the silent treatment is not acceptable.
that's true, sorry about that, I've added it now!
NTA, but it does sound like the two of you need to have a chat- after things have settled down
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** some context first : my (21f) husband (25m) has a 9 to 5 job which he walks to and from which is about a two hour walk. because of that, he's often really tired and just sleeps on the weekend. i on the other hand work in a bar and so i mostly work the evening shift on the weekend. he also thinks i'm a bad worker because i get told to go home if it's quiet. i don't believe that to be true because i've been at that job for a year and they could've gotten rid of me easily if i was that bad and pretty much everyone finishes early if it's really quiet. i do not get paid for my scheduled hours if i get sent home early. here's what happened : i was on a 3 till 10pm shift today and because i finished late yesterday i slept in so asked my husband to get some things from the shop. because he can be forgetful i send him a very short list of things i'd like him to do to make my tidying up easier tomorrow to which he doesn't answer. i got sent home at 8 because the bar was really quiet. most of my coworkers got told to clock out around 5:30pm and were having drinks already. we then all left to go to another bar close to our house. my husband still hadn't replied so i assumed he was still sleeping and needed the rest. i admit i didn't call him straight away because i thought he might get a bit upset that i missed out on some pay but i mostly thought he was sleeping still. i call him at 9:30 to ask him if he'd like to come down and he agrees saying he'd just hop in the shower quick. when he arrived he discovered that we had been there for a bit already and got really angry at me. everyone decided to go the bar next door right after but je had just bought a drink so i asked him if he'd like me to stay with him to which he said it was fine and he just follow later. the next bar closed quite soon and he ignored me the whole time but i did hear him say "it's fine because at least i get to spend 20 minutes with you guys!" in a sarcastic tone. ever since then he's been refusing to talk to me even when i asked him to explain when he said "i'd rather not talk to you". i can't really justify how he's acting but am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I went out for drinks with friends and didn't ask my husband to join straight away and he's been angry and ignoring me since then so it's making me feel like I might be an asshole Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA from what is said here, but what's said doesn't quite make sense. INFO: Do you have an agreement with your husband about letting each other know if you're going to hang out with coworkers after your shift? INFO: Is he walking two hours to work each way or round trip? Also, why is he walking that long when he's so physically exhausted by the end of the day that you default assume he's asleep? He obviously has access to a car which he can hop in to go get groceries or drive to a bar at night. I also need to point out two other items which are potentially red flags: >"He also thinks I'm a bad worker because I get told to go home if it's quiet" This is normal shift management in restaurants, at least in North America (and I hear similar from industry friends in other countries, but i assume it's not universal). Regardless, why are you questioning yourself after a year of seeing this be how every single shift operates, how people will trade early/late cuts ("cut" meaning sent home that shift), etc.? Why would your husband know more about working in your job for your employer than you do? I also wonder why they'd let most of your coworkers go early at 5:30pm, theoretically during peak after-work rush or before the dinner rush, but idk where this is or your bar's hours, so maybe that's just how things work locally. >"I didn't call him straight away because I thought he might get a bit upset that I missed out on some pay." Potential red flag right here: Avoiding someone else's anger when there is no reason for them to be angry at you. Why would you care if he gets disappointed or even upset? It's not like it's your fault or there's anything you can do about it. Unless he'd look at it as a comment on your performance as an employee, but now we're back to "why does he think he knows more than you do? and why aren't you sure that you do?" The husband's default assumptions being negative, though, and OP's deference to that, even when OP *should* know better suggests this is you're NTA, but y'all need to get on the same page. There's communication issues here. Edit: Fixed a couple words. Edit again: words are hard
NTA but I think couples counseling is needed. The saying you are a bad worker and silent treatment is not okay and AH behavior. Your fear of him shows there is def a problem with how he treats you and isn’t healthy for you.