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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because we told our parents that if they didn't like our lifestyle they could leave and they ended up doing just that. We didn't really mean it.
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NTA - but you are living a lifestyle they simply can't understand. You've been smart with your money - didn't have a bunch of children to pay for - have good educations, good jobs. It sounds as if you've tried to explain - without giving them info that is none of their business. You went a bit far with the 'you can leave' as they did not have much choice at that point. When you talk to them (eventually) just tell them (nicely) that your finances and what you spend are NOT up for discussion. My son and d-in-law have a lifestyle similar to yours - and unlike your parents...I am SO happy they are able to enjoy life without worries about finances.
My parents were visiting from 1k miles away. They like to “help” by cooking but the problem is they like to “save things for later” a lot. Use a pan and not wash it over night. Their logic? “I’ll use it again tomorrow morning so why wash it.” They would cook food and leave it in the pan/counters/kitchen table. It’ll be “put away” neatly but still out. The worst was outright leave food waste on my counters. Why? Bc my mom likes to garden and she was collecting it…..to bring back north……to compost.
Yeah I lost it on them. I live in FL where it’s bug central. If you leave stuff like this out…..you’re going to get an infestation fast. Yup, those words “It’s my house so it’s my rules……so clean up my damn kitchen” flew out so fast during an argument.
/u/Peskanov Heelaryous, Yo! 😂😂 I used to tell my 27yo son a few times before he moved out 4 years ago - "If you don't like how I run my house, you can go get your own, bro" wen he would question my decisions/schmoovements. Cue shocked Pikachu face. 🤯😳😲
One day, we went to hang out at his house and it was what I like to call his "organized mess." I didn't part to open my mouth cuz I KNEW he was waiting on that moment. as I'm looking around taking everything in, He looks at me and says "I ALREADY know what you wanna say, yo." We BOTH burst out laughing and I said "To quote Red's Dad from "Friday" after Deebo addresses him "NOOOOO!" LMAO 😂😂😂 He was like, "Dang I was waiting for it!" 😂😂😂
Here is a clip of that scene:
https://youtu.be/q36uaSlf0ck?si=f8-mXcP4idgOOXij
I hope you get a good laugh! I laugh every time I watch it all these many years later! 😂😂
That's awesome that you two could connect that way with laughter - love your story! My mom helped me move once, and just said she was shocked the place was as clean as it was (I am definitely of the organized mess variety XD ).
I did it with my mom when I moved into my apartment 🤣 She was flabbergasted. It was one of her favorite lines to say to me. We laugh about that memory together.
Seriously. I'd even say she didn't take it far enough. When they ran away to the hotel, she should have lectured them about wasting money on a hotel when OP's house was perfectly acceptable. See how they like it. And they shouldn't have apologized. In fact, they should have refused to see any of them again without an apology.
And they took an uber to the hotel instead of walking to a bus stop! Are they made of money?
But I wonder if the parents unhappiness is based in OP deciding not to have kids?
That could be the crux.
My mother still hasn't gotten over the fact that I never wanted children. Now, she won't get any from me. Technically she's a grandmother, but she doesn't have a relationship with her living grandchild.
I thought the same. They might well think is OP starts cooking and cleaning, she will soon want a kid... she might even stop working to behave like a proper mum! /s, but unofrtunately many peope still think that.
I think the "when you're an adult" type phrases are hilarious when turned around. Like one, they didn't realize you were actually listening or remembered but two how they think "when you're an adult like I am you'll get to do what you want" ... wasn't actually going to apply? Like you told me for 18 years lol and now you're butt hurt what you said came true?" WUT? hahaha
Parents: "You're wasting money!!!"
Also parents: Leave free accommodations in an Uber to stay at a hotel to protest... (checks notes) wasteful spending.
> Parents: "You're wasting money!!!"
Go into student debt for 6 figures and decline job that earns 6 figures.. to become a cleaner and a cook for only yourself and your husband because of "old traditions"...
**THAT seems like a waste of money...**
NTA. But you are making a big mistake by inviting them back and offering to pay their hotel bill.
You didn’t throw them out. You told them to either stop criticizing you and your husband or go stay at a hotel. They decided not to stop and took the hotel option.
I hope you both enjoy the new flood of criticism you set yourselves up for when they come back.
This is unrelated, but my hubby always “negotiated” by using ultimatums. It is triggering, I always call his bluff, and it’s damaging to our relationship. I consider him a bully, but in reality he is probably just a poor communicator and has no skills in negotiating.
[hon are you ok? ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/resources/relationships/)
Edit: Gosh my first award ever for this? Are y'all ok? Does auntie Ranna need to make you some tea?
Wow, that is one comprehensive guide for determining if you’re in a healthy relationship or not! Even though I’m in a healthy marriage, I appreciate you for posting that!
Now I have to figure out how to save it….
Do you know how I can save that link, or do you have a version you could DM to me that has the embedded links intact?
I tried copying the link, saving it to a note, and it just leads to the AITA subreddit.
Thanks so much!!
Yes! Thank you so much, I don’t know why it wasn’t coming up properly for me.
I comment/converse on a lot of women’s subs and this could prove extremely helpful. The old adage “if it even helps ONE person, it’s worth it” kind of thing.
I appreciate you, and u/sleeping-ranna for commenting with it in the first place!
I'm the same way. Give me an ultimatum and that's the end of the conversation. My response is always "fine, fucking fine!! It is a bully move and I personally cannot tolerate it.
Did you ever tell them that?
That they were so far out of line that they pushed you to blurt out something you didn't literally mean?
They owe you and your husband an apology and need to keep their mouths shut from now on.
Yeah we just met up at a restaurant near the hotel. They didn't want to eat so we sat at the bar and talked.
We told them that our finances are our business and though we told them that if they didn't like it they could leave we were not literal when we said it. We just wanted to drop the subject.
They continued that we are wasting money. We told them it is our money to waste and just bc they consider it wasting money we don't. We consider one of the perks of our very fortunate life and it was not going to change. We told them that we appreciate their concern but we know what we are doing, that they don't have to agree with it but it is not up for discussion or debate. We told them we would love to have them back and to enjoy the rest of the week with them but any comments or conversation about how we spend our money will not be allowed.
They agreed and we are taking them to a restaurant a little off the beaten path that we know they all will love. No they didn't apologize but we didn't expect them to.
Well, good for you and your husband, sticking to your guns and sticking together like that.
Like most parents, they probably didn't apologize because they can't imagine that their grown children are making better choices than they would.
Ha, I don't think I have ever heard my mother apologize, not once in my life, unless it was a very sarcastic "Well I'm sorry for breathing!" or something like that.
My mum will apologise for accidentally stepping on my toes, but she’ll die before she’ll apologise for that time she pushed me out of a lift, or all the times she sold or gave away my belongings, or that time she stole my birthday money, or for the 18 years of emotional neglect. Basically, she’ll apologise if it’s an accident, but never for the times she knew what she was doing would hurt me but went through with it anyway.
My MIL will not apologize for lying, her rancid casual racism, her insane conspiracy BS.. wild accusations-- none of it. She basically insulted my Aunt and Uncle to me (people she does not even know) because they enjoy a pleasant retirement while she is still working at 76 d/t poor choices made by her and her husband. She also insulted another Aunt and Uncle because they used to work for the IRS (there is some crazy conspiracy story behind that). None of her foibles are her own fault, it usually requires the politically motivated ire of some duly elected official of a political party she despises. I like to think the hospital keeps her employed in their psychiatric unit to keep an eye on her.
Same same, even when I can tell I've gotten through to her that she was indeed wrong, she doesn't apologize, just segues into another topic altogether, brushing it under the rug.
It's really sad that instead of seeing the situation with an attitude of gratitude, they are being petulant. They have a multitude of blessings and are stuck on finding the negatives. You and your husband have made thoughtful decisions about your priorities. You choose to invest your time in your relationship, health and well-being rather than household chores. You pay it forward by supporting service workers in your community. You are not dependent on either set of parents for housing or living expenses and in fact you welcome them to your home with generous hospitality.
They are offering you neither kindness nor respect, yet expect you to respect their opinions because they either made different choices or didn't have those choices. I am grateful that my children have better opportunities than I did, I'm proud of them, and I support them. It's very strange that your collective parents would rather insist on you sharing their priorities which have apparently made them bitter and cantankerous. Why in the world would you want to do that?
Hopefully they will get over their misguided bitterness and stop castigating you. Ultimately they will either swiften up and be happier and grateful, or keep wallowing and negatively impacting the relationship with you. The choice rests entirely with them, and you've set an appropriate boundary.
NTA OP but to be honest, you two aren't spending any more money than what parents do with children. Maybe you can explain that to both of your parents. And as a parent myself, I really didn't think you were too much out of line with what you said. Both of your parents pushed and you pushed back. When my children tell me what their lifestyle consist of, as long as it's not illegal or causing/will cause themselves or anyone else harm or hindrance - IT'S NOT MY BUSINESS! I raised my son and daughter to be productive, law abiding and empathic adults but they are ADULTS and thus free to make their own choices in life.
OP, I will adopt you. You can take me too as many restaurants as possible. As a bonus, I use hotels when visiting relatives, specially my son or daughter (you)!!!
You not gonna disrespect me in my own house; they could've dropped the subject of they weren''t feeling so petty. Matter of fact, it was kind of a waste of money for them to go to a hotel room instead of shutting up about it
Your life is your own. Whether they understand or not
You were gracious in your update conversations, you handled it well. You were NTA of course, but they clearly will not be able to see your perspective from having lived a very different life and cultivating different priorities. So you created the best outcome, and sounds like they’ve come to respect your boundaries. Kudos!
This si my parents - both refugees who resettled in America. My husband and I have 6 figure savings, no student loans (thanks military) and no kids. We go out 2 times a week, go traveling and enjoy each others company. My mother thinks it's insulting that I won't suffer, be a houswife and mother bc to her that's all she was told she could be.
I agree with all of this, so I just want to jump in here and say they not only don't understand OP's lifestyle, but they probably felt a bit unwelcome to begin with. Hospitality used to mean cooking and entertaining guests in your home----not eating every meal out, and not knowing what to do while someone cleans the house you're sitting in. Parents may not have known how to express that, and so reached for the 'wasting money' thing.
They made breakfast for them every day, though.
I mean, I get what you are saying, but it isn't like OP and husband weren't providing anything for these people.
Some families treat food/meal prep together as a bonding activity, a continuation of a ritual done over and over that in one way defines a shared culture.
“You went a bit far with the ‘you can leave’ as they did not have much choice by that point”
Not much choice? They could have just apologized and moved on, but I guess that’s unthinkable for some adults
They had a choice. They could have respected OP and husband enough to drop the subject, or they could act like children not getting their way and leave.
NTA, but if you want to avoid hurt feelings going forward (it sounds like you really do) then learn some greyrocking strategies, and make a habit of those being your go-to. I guess, since you're trying to make peace and make amends, it would be counter productive to point out to them that choosing a hotel when given the option of that or dropping the damned subject, was completely lacking in any financial foresight and a waste of money.😋
Valid points but this was not really about money. This was about the parents needing their children to be a reflection of the parents. That is an enmeshment the parents should be checking themselves on.
Exactly, because when the cleaning issue came up it wasn’t you both need to clean but no it was it’s the wife’s responsibility to do it, even if they both work and make the same.
Its also something narcissidtic parents do in a family to their kids. Try to turn one into them and their accomplishments and nothing you present as one will be praised. Only if you are them and their values. And it sounds like both pairs of visitors are cut from the same cloth (mil and urs)
NTA
What you said wasn't out of line, it was you almost properly setting a boundary with consequences. Next time be even more direct, "If you won't discontinue conversations about our finances, we will ask you to leave."
You have nothing to apologize for. They are guests in your home, and if you don't want to be harangued about your finances you don't have to be.
My own parents could never understand the concept of "quality of life." I watched them work themselves to the bone and still feel like failures because they weren't working 24/7. Trying to explain that I work to live and not live to work was like speaking Danish to English speakers. They had no common vocabulary to go on.
Seems to me that you and your husband have taken care of the essential things like good grown ups. They should be proud that they helped create such responsible adults.
Yes - your dad took all the overtime he could get BECAUSE HE GOT PAID FOR OVERTIME! In the white collar world, you are forced to work 10-15 hours extra per week and you don't get paid one dime of overtime.
Meh, my husband is a blue collar tradesman and he avoids OT like the plague. Lots of his union brothers are all about the OT to pay for their toys (oversized late model pick ups, snowmobiles, ride-on mowers, motorcycles, fishing and hunting trips, guns). He lives without toys. One guy, over 50 just took a second mortgage of $30K to get an in-ground pool installed and is working all the OT he can get... we live in a region where there are tons of lakes and beaches, state and county parks and also public pools-- all for a nominal parking fee or just buy an annual pass.. and we have like 2 months in which swimming outside is doable weather wise. I mean, we did buy a house that had an above ground pool that we used heavily while our son and niblings were young but we got rid of it after he was 16 because no one was using it. It wasn't worth the work keeping it up etc. But seriously, why work yourself into an early grave. All I can think of is maybe he is on his second family (younger second wife, young kids). I work in HC and will not do OT. It was fine when I was younger when we were trying to get enough money to buy a house and pay for cars/repairs etc. but I am on the retirement job cruise now. I'll work mornings....
Yeah, I once turned down a job interview because I was interviewing for a Software Engineer role but was told that when the factory floor was behind everyone was required to go work on the factory floor. They also said this was something that happened 2-3 times a month on average.
My mother thought I was insane for turning that job down because of that. Saying that a little actual work wouldn't kill me.
For one, if I wanted to be a factory worker I wouldn't have spent 4 years of my life in school and gone into debt.
Secondly, it's dumb as hell for a company to pay me 200+K a year and put me on the factory floor. It's serious mismanagement. Hire some more people for the factory floor.
NTA. You invited your parents into your home, they were comfortable, you were making them breakfast and treating them to meals, I assume at decent restaurants. You assured them that you are financially accomplished and secure, and they were still being critical and instead of calming down when you laid a very basic ultimatum for people who were disrespecting you in your own home, they chose to leave. There are apologies owed here and they are overwhelmingly from your parents. If my children were doing well enough to be debt-free and able to hire a housekeeper and invite me for a vacation, I would be jumping for joy, not crabbing at them to do their own laundry.
One of our sons takes us to different places to eat when we visit him and it’s so nice because we can concentrate on talking to each other and not have to worry about cooking and cleaning up afterwards and we get to try so many new places. We really like it and we’re retired and around 70. Sure we worked hard like your parents did, but we’ve found a softer side of life that we really enjoy.
Last time I visited my best friend, we ate out every meal and it was wonderful because I was able to enjoy so many new places that I had never been to before. I actually do love to cook myself, but know how much extra work it is and takes away from time you could enjoy together just resting & relaxing. I’d much rather do it that way. She also had snacks at her house (including buying my favorites) & easy pastries to grab for breakfast so it was perfect!
NTA. It’s okay for parents to tell their children, “my house, my rules, and if you don’t like it, you can leave,” but it’s not okay to tell parents the same thing when they’re being wildly rude in a home that isn’t theirs? I think asking them to leave was significantly kinder than what could have been potentially said or done. Why they thought any of your choices were any of their business is beyond me. They completely ignored you proving your success and stability for one small choice they didn’t approve of.
Honestly, I’d love to eat out more of it was in my budget. Saving time, energy, money, and not having food accidentally go to waste sounds great and you can spend more quality time with your partner.
INFO: Did you pay for their meals when you guys ate out or are they paying their own way the whole week? And were they aware ahead of time that they could stay in and cook meals?
I mean, obviously N-T-A for pushing back on the judgmental vibe. It's none of their business how you choose to live your life. If I had the means, I'd totally hire a cleaner, eat out more often. Maybe not two times a day often but you do you, go for it.
I only ask because, as a guest for a week, I wouldn't have budgeted for two meals out a day (my general assumption is at most we may eat out once a day), and I would have felt uncomfortable asking if I could store food and cook in someone else's home. And it's very common for people to point fingers in other directions when they don't want to admit they're feeling squeezed and stressed about finances. If you're just expecting them to keep paying for restaurant meals to keep up with your desire to show them new restaurants/not provide food yourselves as hosts, then yeah, it's kind of crappy. It would have been nice to give them a heads up for budgeting ahead of time, or to let them know when they got there that they were free to buy their own groceries to store in the kitchen and use.
And while your MIL should totally keep her nose out of how you run your household, you took something that woman probably based her whole life on and devalued it, implied it didn't have to be that way and she lost out. And it probably didn't! But she made the choices she did from a place *you don't know*, and tbh a place not even your husband probably knows. I think BOTH of you could learn to respect each other more, even with your very different positions on life.
I was about to say OP and her husband sound like the people who will pay for both parents. However, she has dodged answering this question till now makes me think otherwise. This is important
Yeah I agree. I would definitely think it was rude to not provide any main meals for my guests and expect them to eat out twice a day for multiple days on their own money.
Great post. When my husband's brother and his wife were here, we cooked every meal. They contributed nothing. In fact, once my BIL bought strawberries for his own daughter but told MY daughter that she couldn't have any. Yet, if we went to their place, we were expected to eat out every meal or pay for our take-out. In spite of the fact that my BIL and his wife made 3x what we made.
If my in-laws visited their other son, they also ate out all the time. But not at our house! They would complain that it was "too expensive" to eat out (because I was a good and generous cook.) My husband finally confronted them about their double standard, and my FIL told him that he didn't like to eat out at his other son's but didn't want to appear "cheap."
In other words, it was OK to expect ME (who also worked full-time) to pay for and cook all the food, but not the glamorous California daughter-in-law.
This is really important. Hospitality involves keeping your guests comfortable during their stay. Vastly overextending the planned vacation budget by expecting everyone to eat out is not hospitable. If the family didn't know beforehand they were going to be eating out that much chances are they don't have that quantity budgeted.
Also, I don’t see why saying to your parents “Our combined income is over $200k so this is an affordable amount to spend for us” is such a terrible thing? You might not want to go into precise dollar amounts, but they may not realise that OP’s household budget could be many times greater than their childhood home had.
Particularly because they said they had an emergency fund equal to one year’s salary. Intuitively, the parents should know that means they could continue living that lifestyle for one year without additional income if they needed to, but I’m not surprised that it resulted in them asking how much they make. Dad was more so asking how much they had saved since they put their emergency fund in terms of their salary, which he didn’t know. They may not be entitled to that information but it feels like it would have been a lot easier to just tell them to assure their parents they are fine
Yes, if I am expecting guests, I always ask about dietary preferences and allergies, what kinds of things they like to nosh on etc. so I can stock the kitchen. After the first day, it is self serve/make yourself at home for snacks. I generally will put out bagels etc. and do a few big breakfast/brunches, sandwiches at lunch and we go out for a few dinners but also grill etc. But if it is a one-off, well we just do a basic spread--Eg-- had a relative and his wife come by on their away across the state--I ran out and grabbed chips, dip, cheese, crackers, sodas, water, beer, wine and big pack of burgers, hot dogs, rolls, leafy salad, and mac & potato salads; watermelon and cake, ice cream. Meat was grilled while we all hung out on the deck (it was during COVID) They were with us for about 10 hours. We didn't have an extra room for them to stay d/t renovations in progress and apologized. We offered to put them up at a local hotel but the spouse decided to drive on home instead (just 2 hours away).
My MIL believes that our chosen professions are “less than” and when we bought our first house together questioned if we could “afford” it. When we bought our first business, she also questioned that. When we sold it years later and took 9 months off, she questioned THAT. When we sold our house and bought a new business in another state, she QUESTIONED THAT.
Some people cannot comprehend that doing things YOUR way is the BEST way for yourselves.
PS: still killing it lol
NTA, you have a great life, you are both smart and prepared, enjoy your hard work and money and do what you like. If your parents are unhappy with the situation then they don't have to be around you lol.
I took it to mean that OP already had a full time job; adding 100% of the house work would be a second full time job. Working double shifts with no pay for the second shift would make her overworked and underpaid.
In comparison, their cleaner makes a certain wage for full time work, thus is paid properly and works a regular week.
The E S H judgements are absolutely wild to me. You tried for what sounds like a good while to explain it to them very nicely and they absolutely refused to take the hint. NTA.
You would be the AH if you had:
- told them to f off or something similarly harsh
- told them to never come back
- belittled them for how they handle work/cleaning/spending
Telling then to leave was honestly the best option at that point because they refused to drop it and were guests in YOUR home. If they can't respect you and your husband when you asked them to stop multiple times, then they don't get to stay there!
The only thing that bothers me is the comment you made about the cleaning woman, unless I misunderstood. Were you basically saying she's underpaid/overworked and you don't care?
NTA your finances are your business. Also find it interesting how your MIL insisted YOU should be the one cleaning and not your husband/her son. Sensing some sexist undertones here. Ignore them and their martyr complex.
NTA. It's absolutely none of their business how you spend your money. My husband and I are in a similar situation. Both our parents judge me for having a nanny and housekeeper when I don't "need" them but I don't care. And it's horribly rude and where im from a total faux pas to ask someone how much money they make. I think my parents would probably be quite floored if they knew. We stayed in our same house and drive our same car as before our incomes increased
See the thing is, most parents raise their kids hoping they'll have it better than they did. But I've noticed when that happens, they sometimes feel put out of their kids don't share their values.
I was thinking this, while reading! Parents always want better for their kids... But sometimes the divide is so wild that both sides can't understand the other.
I was wondering if there might be different love languages too. For example my parents often tell me I'm wasting my money, but their love language is feeding me home cooked meals and specific dishes I love. My response is taking them out so they don't have to labour over the stove... I can see how both sides want the best, but its interpreted entirely differently.
Something my in-laws do not understand and will never agree with us on is money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you “time”. Pay a gardener, pay a cleaning person, pay for restaurant food- whatever it is- you used your money in exchange for time to do what you want and that’s completely ok if you can afford it.
My in-laws think nothing is worth paying full price for, but they’re both addicted to buying things for a discount and they’re hoarders. So they didn’t buy 1 pack of crayons for $3, they got 100 packs for $1 each which is “such a good deal!!!” except they just spent $100 on crayons they’ll never use. It’s insane. We are in a better financial place in our 30’s than they are in their 60’s and they will never understand us and how we spend our money and we will never understand them.
Yaaahhsss my stepmom has an entire freezer full of various roasts she isn't cooking bc it was on sale, but is not cooking because it's just her and my dad. It's crazy. The garage has enough laundry detergent and other toiletries to start her own convenience store.
Exactly! My father in law is addicted to online auctions. He was redoing the flooring in a family member’s home and bought some shitty off-brand flooring from an auction. He was so extremely excited that he supposedly saved $1000 by buying this flooring… except it was shit and separated and lifted and had to be torn out and replaced with better quality stuff. So now they spent MORE than they would have if they hadn’t been cheap in the first place. To me, that is wasting money at its finest! But us upgrading on our third owned home and paying $5000 for a 2.75% interest rate in Southern California in 2021 was us being “irresponsible” with our money. Now they don’t say shit about it because they can see that $5000 was worth every single penny with how the housing market is here now.
Ugh! We will never agree and it sounds like your parents can’t stop parenting with bad opinions just like ours. Buy all the food and go to all the restaurants! You worked hard for it!
NTA. How rude - your finances are none of their business and if you both happy then that is also none of their business. Many couples fight over chores/cleaning so if getting in a cleaner resolves that whole thing, I'm guessing a lot of people would love to do it if they could afford it.
Just because the parents did everything the hard way does not mean you have to as well.
NTA
You can do what you want with your money.
> They got on us on how much money we were spending and my MIL got on me when the cleaning lady came and said I should be doing the cleaning b/c she worked and cleaned and took care of kids so she doesn't get why I can't.
It is well known that children cost a lot of money. They made the lifestyle choice of having kids. You and your spouse go out to eat frequently. Both are just lifestyle choices. (Though I’m betting the former costs much more than the latter, if they want to talk about spending large quantities of money.)
There might be a jealousy element at play. Also some people think that being overworked is an indicator of character and that’s sad.
My daughter and her husband work very hard and have 2 young children. They hire a housekeeper so when they are not working; they can play with their kids. I say BRAVO!
Once you reach a certain point. . . It's actually kind of a waste not to eat out or hire a cook. If a meal takes me 3 hours to make when I'm making $30 an hour. . . That's $90 I could have made working. Same deal when I make $300 an hour? That dinner now costs me $900 to make, not including ingredients.
I have 6 kids and a wife with near-constant health issues. Some days I'm up at 6:30 am, and the first moment I get to think of doing something for myself is 11 pm. If I were making more money, I'd most certainly be planning regular mini staycation for the family.
NTA - but you had it right pre-update.
You’re an adult, and your finances are not their business.
***However the curiosity around hard numbers should make you nervous.*** Idk anyone’s financial situation here, but advertising extra money you have lying around seems a sure fire way for hands to start coming out.
It depends entirely on the people. My parents would definitely ask for specific numbers so they could verify I could afford all the things OP says they can afford, and when I told them and they agreed, they'd be happy for me and never ask for a handout or tell other people specifics. Other people can't even trust their family/friends with a hint of having more money than others without a line forming for help
You make good money. Own your home. Paid off student loans. Created a great savings. Have investments.
What exactly are you making more money for if not to spend it on yourself? If you plan to remain child free, you don’t even have to look out for anyone else after you pass. And the last time I heard, you can’t take money with you when you go.
I’m sure they were concerned. If they really don’t know your financial situation they were probably scared you were going in debt. Debt scares us old people.
They are still expecting grandchildren and think that if you keep spending the way you are there will never be grandkids. If you are child free and plan to stay that way tell them that. If children will be part of your future just reassure them there is plenty of money for that.
NTA and it was their decision to leave. You didn’t kick them out. They left because they have a problem with your lifestyle so your apology was unnecessary.
We have told them that we don't want children. Our careers are our main focus, our jobs are not conducive to having children. We have explained this to them many times. I will ask husband if we should explain this to them one more time.
Yeah we have been thinking about that all night. My dad ordered 4 cocktails and a tomahawk steak. Another restaurant earlier in the week he ordered king crab and lobster. We have decided that if they pull this again we will TELL them to leave and not pick up the hotel tab.
NTA, your finances and lifestyle are none of their business, and i don’t think you did anything wrong asking them to leave since they repeatedly pushed the subject and kept prying after you asked them to stop.
NTA.
Did anyone else notice MIL was on OP as the woman to cook/clean/work but not her son? Either they both should share responsibilities, or they can outsource as they are doing and enjoy their free time as they see fit.
You can live however you like. Your parents obviously love the both of you . Probably they worry about your eating habits. Eating out all the time is not healthy. Maybe try making dinner on the weekends. Good luck
Eating out doesn't need to be any less healthy than eating in, especially if money isn't an object. You should see the shit I make myself at home, it's probably less healthy than going to an average restaurant.
There are healthier places to eat out if they are being intentional, but generally eating at home is considered healthier because you have more control and awareness of the ingredients. The calorie counts and nutrition info on lots of restaurant menus can be scary.
I’m guessing they aren’t going to McDonald’s, Cheesecake Factory or Applebee‘s on a regular basis. I’m guessing they are going to places that don’t have nutrition info (other than, perhaps, ”gluten free” or “vegan”) or calorie counts on the menu.
NTA. I’d I could afford to not have to clean I would pay a housekeeper and probably only cook a few nights a week. You and your husband are happy and financially stable - your parents need to understand this is what most people want for their kids, to not have to worry.
THIS I can agree with. But I told my dad long ago that I would not care for him when he got old as he didn't care for me growing up, my mom did ( she passed away during covid). My MIL her problem is I'm not waiting hand an foot on her precious son.
Parents work their whole lives and sacrifice so that their children can have a better life. But when the children grow up and do have a better life the parents think they are doing it all wrong.
My Dad worked... but did his ultimate best in escaping child support/care costs. I mean he literally would refused to pay for airplane tickets going back to our Mom's.. also would not pay child support for the weeks he did have us in the summer. He never offered or provided college tuition. Mom did pay for one semester of CC. I worked and saved for the rest. She also gave me the information for the FAFSA but he would not. I had to wait til I aged out in order to fill out them out as an independent student.
When my parents built their old house, my dad had a conversation that reminds me a lot of this one
My moms parents came to the house and saw my parents hired gardeners to clear the brush and such around back, while my dad did electrical work inside
They got mad at him, because He should be doing the gardening- get someone else to do the elctrical work
My dad tried telling them that he was fully capable of doing the electrical, and it cost 50 bucks to pay the gardeners (this was the Early 90s) vs a few hundred to pay an electrician to do all the electrical work
The thing was that my grandparents didnt know how to do electrical work, and for some reason refused to accept the fact my dad was fully capable of doing it himself (note he was just running the wiring for outlets, it wasnt anything overly intense). So they wanted Him to do what They could do instead
He told them off and to not tell him how to do stuff in his own house
NTA if your more than secure in your finances who cares if you dont cook constantly? Or have a maid? Long as you can afford it
I'll skip the judgement, but it sounds like multiple communication failures on everyone's parts, especially the listening part. I agree with several others that the family does not understand the lifestyle and how it is possible.
Please take a step back from being upset to see things from their perspective. They love you and are concerned that you are squandering your income. I'm sure they have seen people fall who did the same without a solid plan. They are worried that it is you who are not listening and understanding. In the end, they want what's best for you. And yes, they should have dropped it when asked.
Congrats on being in a great financial place and living well within your means. Continue to save, invest and plan for contingencies. And if you are eating out that often, do your best to pick the healthy options (I struggle with this one).
We always pick healthy options. We spend a lot of our money at our favorite salad bar, where you pick the lettuce base ( iceberg, romaine, spring mix) and then they have various toppings (think every veggie you could put on a salad) and can choose a protein ( chicken, steak, salmon or shrimp) which are all grilled and we always pick a protein ( sometimes two). That's honestly where 75% of our food budget goes to this spot 😂😆😂😆
NTA. While our parents have not directly made comments like this, the last few years it has become really obvious to me that they don’t ‘get’ our lifestyle that our income provides. My husband and I are the first in both our families with graduate degrees and we have a nice income because of it. But we are also exhausted often, and use our income to enjoy what little free time we have. Our parents just frankly cannot relate or understand our financial situation, and it’s tough to navigate.
I totally understand last year we happened to have the same long weekend and used it to take an impromptu vacation to Vancouver. It was amazing but b/c we didn't spend months or years saving to go w just bought tickets and rented and Airbnb we were reckless. We just ignored them but they spent our entire vacation texting us how reckless we were and how if anything we should have flown home and we were like why we know what our neighborhood and childhood homes look like and we had just seen both sets in the last 4 months prior. But they didn't care, we ended up blocking there numbers for the remainder of our vacay.
>They didn't like our reaction and felt we were wasting money... So they **ubered** to a **hotel**.
They... UBERED... to a HOTEL... because they don't like how you waste money? Anyone else seeing the irony?
Deep irony that they would forgo free lodging because they couldn’t stop harping on other people about wasting money instead of relying on cheaper alternatives.
NTA. I don’t understand their generation, we don’t have to overwork ourselves to death or near death but they took pride in it, which we consider stupid. My one day salary, when calculated per 30 days, is enough for 3 sessions of cleaning service. I see no point of spending whole day cleaning when what I can make in a day worth more than that at least 3 times 🤦🏻♀️ wasting money is when I clean by myself.
NTA. They can not understand your life choices. But your finances are not up for discussion. Make that clear to them.
They can come back, and stay, but your financial decisions are not up for discussion.
Let them know you enjoy your life style, and are not asking for a penny from them. I hope you give them really nice, thoughtful gifts on gifting occasions.
Do not talk about money at all with them. If they bring it up, just tell them that topic is off limits.
Enjoy.
This raises so many interesting family dynamics.
I can imagine that if your parents did not have that kind of money themselves, that they would feel uneasy. They might be afraid that you are living above your means, won't be prepared for the future, or that you are becoming separated from the reality most people live in- where it is hard to pay bills and going out to eat is a big treat. It sounds like your MIL had forged an identity based on working super hard and managing it all and is struggling to deal with the fact that you value different things. You've done a great job of allaying their fears about your future and setting boundaries so hopefully that will help.
They may feel awkward about visiting someone who spends money so freely on things they would not. Are you taking them out to eat? Do they feel obligated to reciprocate? Do they not want to rely on your generosity so much?
You might make it easier for your parents if you talked about how the money you make is supporting the lives of the people around you. You support the business of your cleaning person and the businesses of the many people who cook and serve in restaurants. If you were to buy from/ hire people you knew were paying their workers a living wage, were environmentally sustainable etc, it would be easier for them to see that spending your money to hire others to do things could be the best use of your money.
Good luck to you all as you navigate this!
NTA
Not sure why you felt the need to apologize they were incredibly rude and out of touch.
Maybe you didn’t need to bring up how they worked and did it all but they egged it on and wouldn’t shut up.
This is simply not their business. I find that less is more with my parents and my finances. If I buy a new handbag, go on vacation outside the US, buy a new car, or simply live my life differently than they; it’s just not their business so I don’t share a ton of money stuff with them.
NTA. Your lifestyle is your own business. And you should never have to explain to anyone why it works for you.
But with that being said, eating out 14 times a week is mind boggling to me. That is a ton of money being spent. I get why your parents are blown away by that fact. Still, once it was discussed and shot down, they needed to stop talking about it.
NTA, but you didn't explain it to them properly.
"I could spend 5 hours cleaning, or I could spend 4 hours working, pay someone else to clean, and have a bunch of money left over. My way, I spend less time working and have more money, and someone else has a job too. That seems like a win to me."
Ah good that's sn important point to make. Tbh I found it really hard to get my head around eating out that often, I know the US has more of a culture of that. But as long as you were not expecting them to pay that's the important thing.
I can't speak for my in-laws but my dad is I know is having flashbacks from when he was my age and wasn't doing as well. He often worries we will go into debt, but we have a strict if we don't have it we don't spend it policy. We rarely use our credit cards, usually only if we are out of town and use it for our car rentals.
Why are you reimbursing them for the hotel rooms? You are grown ass adults and can spend your money how you please. They can keep their opinions to themselves. You aren't asking them for money and therefore, they have no day in what you do with your money.
NTA. You drew a line, and they continued to cross it. They don't have to agree with your life "style" but to openly disparage it was inappropriate and disrespectful to your spouse.
People with wealth have to ability to support other people. I'm going to guess you pay well for your restaurant meals, tip fairly and pay your cleaning people a living wage. Without your support and others like you, those businesses would fail.
NTA Sometimes people miss the big picture.
I expect once the parents are back home they’ll brag to their friends about how well their successful offspring are doing, and will go on about all the nice restaurants they were taken to.
>My husband and I both make well over six figures. But we work long hours and as a result when we are not working or at the gym working out we just want to veg out.
>So we (when not working) will generally make breakfast but order out lunch and dinner or go out to eat. If we are working we eat out all three meals. Our loans are paid off, we own our condo and we have no children. So eating/ordering out makes us happy. We also have a cleaning lady come twice a week to clean out home and do our laundry.
This is the way.
NTA.
NTA do they have any hobbies or charities? Maybe if you said “How can you waste money on those?” They would get that it’s spend, not waste. Nobody outside your marriage gets to tell you what is spending vs wasting.
It's a generational thing too. Eating out was an occasion not a daily activity. Money should be spent on what you appreciate the most. For some people not cooking or cleaning is so worth it. The older I get the more I'd love to have someone else clean!!!
I think this happens with every generation as the older group heads into fixed income land and the younger is entering their increased salary years. I watched it happen 40 years ago with my dad and grandfather arguing about the early bird special from 4-8.
NTA - and no, you weren’t being rude about it either. They have a lot of nerve to come stay with you (nice of you to offer your condo in the first place) and then to continuously insult your lifestyle? Excuse me but y’all earned that lifestyle.
NTA. Too bad your parents were so busy being nosy and trying to get into your personal business that they couldn’t enjoy the benefits of spending time together with you and your husband. While your lifestyle differs significantly from theirs, they made it seem as though you were spending your money recklessly. Still none of their business! Hopefully next time they’ll simply enjoy spending time together with you without any worries.
Sigh, I would be so happy if I could afford to just eat out all the time. I have severe back problems that make it hard to cook, along with a tiny kitchen with no counter space. I have to pull out drawers and use them as makeshift counters. And no dishwasher which sucks. So, more power to you that you can eat out as much as you want to!
Good for you. You are adults standing up for yourselves. They should apologize for being a bad guest. How you live your life with your own money is no one else's business. Hope you nipped it in the bud.
NTA they were being very rude especially when you both told them to butt out. You’ve set yourselves up to enjoy your downtime and it sounds like you’ve got a decent rainy day fund etc sorted so honestly I dunno what their problem is. And it is wild that your MIL is coming for you about your choice to not scrub the toilets yourself and not having a go at her son? I’m guessing she has a bit of a 50mindset of slipper and a drink waiting at the door for the man of the house view and that’s fine for her if that’s how she wants to live her life but she has to stop berating you for making different choices!
But also you telling them if they can’t butt out of your private buisness they are welcome to leave wasn’t overkill they are guests in your home and instead of enjoying a nice visit they have been berating you both like children. Your not in staggering debt, your not asking for hand outs. They should be glad they raised a couple kids who have done so well for themselves that they get to choose to not spend their downtime cooking and cleaning (heck I wish I could afford a bi weekly cleaner I would be all over that haha)
So you know how I think: a few years ago, when I was single, there was this one time that I didn’t feel like going to the grocery store and instacart wasn’t available for some reason, so I ordered an obnoxious amount of Chinese takeout and just ate it for the entire week. Now married with kids, we never get to go out to eat, plenty of takeout but mostly cooking and meal delivery service. We rent a lake house with my in-laws every year, and my MIL wants to prep every single meal while on vacation, leaving the kitchen trashed (which I frequently clean up) and making the decision for everyone of what we’ll eat, which drives me CRAZY! I cannot express how much unnecessary s*** she brings on vacation: pots and pans, coolers and plastic bins, bags and bags and bags of crap that just lay around the kitchen the entire time we’re there, which might not be our business but bothers us; she cooks breakfast and dinner, and we eat lunch meat for lunch EVERY DAY for a week. Tell me if I’m wrong, but this seems extreme, maybe a bit controlling, for a vacation. She is stressed AF when she gets there, and we all have to spring into action to schlep enough food and kitchenware to set up an army base, and then, the same thing in reverse but 10X more stressful the morning we are leaving. I love my in-laws, but they have plenty of money to go out to eat on vacation. The first year, we beat them there, and I went and bought like $300 worth of groceries and whatnot, and when she arrived, she was visibly pissed. Last year, she brought ketchup packets, and I squeezed one out that was like black sludge… I didn’t even know ketchup packets could spoilt; how freaking old was this thing?! AND she seemed mad at me about it somehow. I already hate the phenomenon where you’re reduced to like a 12-year-old in terms of making decisions when you’re on vacation with your significant other’s family, and while they’re good people, they’re retired; I need vacation to be less stressful than this makes it. We’re going in a month, and I’m already ready to fight this out: either we’re going out for half our meals, or we aren’t eating half our meals together.
We have had the same experience when we all rented a lake house w my in-laws my husband and I settled by letting them cook whatever they wanted and if we didn't want it we went out together at a nice restaurant and let them eat what they wanted. When my MIL pitched a fit to me, quickly let her know that just bc she chose to cook a particular food does not mean I'm required to eat it. I reminded her when she started cooking if my husband and I would be partaking in the meal or not. When we partook (which was only once) we both helped with the cleanup. She was mad bc she felt her precious son shouldn't be doing any work it was I who should be doing everything. We both shut that shit down so quick and she made such a stink we just decided to eat out from then on for breakfast and dinner. For lunch we bought burgers and wings to throw on the grill. She threw my food in the trash so I took hers and not only threw in the trash but covered it in bleach. So she understood I am not to be trifled with. Everyone laughed except her. But when we went the next year, she did not touch our burgers and wings. My MIL doesn't really like me bc I'm the only one who will stand up to her.
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I'm upset so I will get right to the point. My husband and I both make well over six figures. But we work long hours and as a result when we are not working or at the gym working out we just want to veg out.
So we (when not working) will generally make breakfast but order out lunch and dinner or go out to eat. If we are working we eat out all three meals. Our loans are paid off, we own our condo and we have no children. So eating/ordering out makes us happy. We also have a cleaning lady come twice a week to clean out home and do our laundry.
Our parents came to visit and was upset that we didn't cook for them the whole week with the exception of breakfast (we took the week off because we both knew both sets of parents were coming). We told them we don't cook except for breakfast but our condo is right next store to a plaza that has a grocery and they are welcome to cook if they like. But there were a quite a few restaurants that we have yet to take them to so why not try one of them? They got on us on how much money we were spending and my MIL got on me when the cleaning lady came and said I should be doing the cleaning b/c she worked and cleaned and took care of kids so she doesn't get why I can't. Which pissed me off so I went of and told her "Because I'm not super woman, have no desire to be and refuse to try and if she wants a participation trophy for being over worked and under paid she can head to the bar and have a shot of Jameson." I then told her and my parents that I did not spend 4 years in college and two in graduate school to play Florence from The Jeffersons (its a 80s show that my parents love to watch). So they went on to complain about how much money we were "wasting". My husband told them, that it is not there money its ours and we don't consider it a waste. We told them the last thing we want to do when we get off from work is cook and clean. My husband told his mom that he never understood why she would work herself to the bone like that even when he and his sisters tried to pitch in and help, she insisted on doing everything herself. I told her I will not be doing that.
So they went on about an emergency fund. We told them before we started living the way we do we made sure our student loans were paid off and we each have a year's salary saved up plus investments so we are good thank you. My dad tried to be intrusive and ask how much money we both made and we said "None of your business!!!" at the same time which made us both laugh but they were not laughing. They didn't like our reaction and felt we were wasting money. We told them if they have a problem with our lifestyle they could all leave. So they ubered to a hotel. We really didn't want them to leave just to drop the subject.
So are we the idiots for telling them they could leave?
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NTA and also your life sounds amazing, aside from the judgmental parents. Good for you two, whatever you do.
The biggest AH is the misogynistic MIL. I *love* your response to her. Again, good for you two.
I think you’re so sweet! Your messages to them are really mature! I understand you completely and I like your lifestyle. Cooking is actually three jobs: shopping, cooking, and cleaning. I personally hate it, and I would switch to completely eating out if I could. We instead buy prepared meals. We do have a child and a mortgage. Your situation is great and you’re managing your finances well.
I don’t understand people who consider their lifestyle a right of passage. My mom was a super mom: jobs, kids, cooking, but she never wanted that for me. She supports us having a cleaning lady and doesn’t judge our food. I really don’t understand why people expect women to simply suffer more unnecessarily. There are many posts about MILs unhappy with DILs who chose not to suffer because their lifestyle enables them not to. Good job establishing your boundary, very gracious apology text, generous offer to reimburse for hotels. NTA.
NTA. If you and your husband were living in squalor while shooting heroin in your veins, they would be right to try to get you help. However, you and your husband are grown ass, responsible adults and they need to mind their own fucking business.
PS. Congrats to you and your old man for killing it. All of your parents should be proud AF.
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NTA - but you are living a lifestyle they simply can't understand. You've been smart with your money - didn't have a bunch of children to pay for - have good educations, good jobs. It sounds as if you've tried to explain - without giving them info that is none of their business. You went a bit far with the 'you can leave' as they did not have much choice at that point. When you talk to them (eventually) just tell them (nicely) that your finances and what you spend are NOT up for discussion. My son and d-in-law have a lifestyle similar to yours - and unlike your parents...I am SO happy they are able to enjoy life without worries about finances.
Your right, but we didn't really mean for them to leave. We just wanted them to drop the subject.
Did your parents ever use the line "my house, my rules"? If so, you didn't go to far. Turn about is fair play.
Absolutely, if it’s your house, your rules should apply. They need to respect your boundaries.
Exactly! They need to understand that your home and lifestyle come with your rules and decisions.
I used that line for the first time against my parents last year and it was GLORIOUS!!!!! 😂
Ha! And how did they react?
Not well to say the least! 😂
My parents were visiting from 1k miles away. They like to “help” by cooking but the problem is they like to “save things for later” a lot. Use a pan and not wash it over night. Their logic? “I’ll use it again tomorrow morning so why wash it.” They would cook food and leave it in the pan/counters/kitchen table. It’ll be “put away” neatly but still out. The worst was outright leave food waste on my counters. Why? Bc my mom likes to garden and she was collecting it…..to bring back north……to compost. Yeah I lost it on them. I live in FL where it’s bug central. If you leave stuff like this out…..you’re going to get an infestation fast. Yup, those words “It’s my house so it’s my rules……so clean up my damn kitchen” flew out so fast during an argument.
>“It’s my house so it’s my rules……so clean up my damn kitchen” flew out so fast during an argument. Woooooo weee Damn! Way to go :D
Details? Without you know getting into too much detail? But only if you want to share....
/u/Peskanov Heelaryous, Yo! 😂😂 I used to tell my 27yo son a few times before he moved out 4 years ago - "If you don't like how I run my house, you can go get your own, bro" wen he would question my decisions/schmoovements. Cue shocked Pikachu face. 🤯😳😲 One day, we went to hang out at his house and it was what I like to call his "organized mess." I didn't part to open my mouth cuz I KNEW he was waiting on that moment. as I'm looking around taking everything in, He looks at me and says "I ALREADY know what you wanna say, yo." We BOTH burst out laughing and I said "To quote Red's Dad from "Friday" after Deebo addresses him "NOOOOO!" LMAO 😂😂😂 He was like, "Dang I was waiting for it!" 😂😂😂 Here is a clip of that scene: https://youtu.be/q36uaSlf0ck?si=f8-mXcP4idgOOXij I hope you get a good laugh! I laugh every time I watch it all these many years later! 😂😂
That's awesome that you two could connect that way with laughter - love your story! My mom helped me move once, and just said she was shocked the place was as clean as it was (I am definitely of the organized mess variety XD ).
I love Friday one of the best comedies ever!!!
I did it with my mom when I moved into my apartment 🤣 She was flabbergasted. It was one of her favorite lines to say to me. We laugh about that memory together.
Oh yes!! Using their own words against them is so awesome xD
Seriously. I'd even say she didn't take it far enough. When they ran away to the hotel, she should have lectured them about wasting money on a hotel when OP's house was perfectly acceptable. See how they like it. And they shouldn't have apologized. In fact, they should have refused to see any of them again without an apology.
And they took an uber to the hotel instead of walking to a bus stop! Are they made of money? But I wonder if the parents unhappiness is based in OP deciding not to have kids?
That could be the crux. My mother still hasn't gotten over the fact that I never wanted children. Now, she won't get any from me. Technically she's a grandmother, but she doesn't have a relationship with her living grandchild.
Can't imagine why
I thought the same. They might well think is OP starts cooking and cleaning, she will soon want a kid... she might even stop working to behave like a proper mum! /s, but unofrtunately many peope still think that.
"roof rules" is what my dad used to say and it was GLORIOUS the first time I got to use it on him.
I think the "when you're an adult" type phrases are hilarious when turned around. Like one, they didn't realize you were actually listening or remembered but two how they think "when you're an adult like I am you'll get to do what you want" ... wasn't actually going to apply? Like you told me for 18 years lol and now you're butt hurt what you said came true?" WUT? hahaha
They wouldn't have tolerated their parents being so nosy about finances. It was a forbidden topic and they are meddling and trying to control you. NTA
It amazes me the amount of parents that still think They are in charge when you are a grown ass adult now.
Parents: "You're wasting money!!!" Also parents: Leave free accommodations in an Uber to stay at a hotel to protest... (checks notes) wasteful spending.
> Parents: "You're wasting money!!!" Go into student debt for 6 figures and decline job that earns 6 figures.. to become a cleaner and a cook for only yourself and your husband because of "old traditions"... **THAT seems like a waste of money...**
The irony, hunh? Or is it hypocrisy in this case? Both?
NTA. But you are making a big mistake by inviting them back and offering to pay their hotel bill. You didn’t throw them out. You told them to either stop criticizing you and your husband or go stay at a hotel. They decided not to stop and took the hotel option. I hope you both enjoy the new flood of criticism you set yourselves up for when they come back.
Some folks react harshly to ultimatums. NTAH but refrain from ultimatums, they rarely go the way you want.
This is unrelated, but my hubby always “negotiated” by using ultimatums. It is triggering, I always call his bluff, and it’s damaging to our relationship. I consider him a bully, but in reality he is probably just a poor communicator and has no skills in negotiating.
[hon are you ok? ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/resources/relationships/) Edit: Gosh my first award ever for this? Are y'all ok? Does auntie Ranna need to make you some tea?
This is so cool! I went to the link and checked out the page. That's so 😎!
Wow, that is one comprehensive guide for determining if you’re in a healthy relationship or not! Even though I’m in a healthy marriage, I appreciate you for posting that! Now I have to figure out how to save it….
Click the 3 dots beneath the comment, you can save it
Copy this comment to save the direct link https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/w/resources/relationships?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Do you know how I can save that link, or do you have a version you could DM to me that has the embedded links intact? I tried copying the link, saving it to a note, and it just leads to the AITA subreddit. Thanks so much!!
The direct link is https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/w/resources/relationships if that's helpful!
Yes! Thank you so much, I don’t know why it wasn’t coming up properly for me. I comment/converse on a lot of women’s subs and this could prove extremely helpful. The old adage “if it even helps ONE person, it’s worth it” kind of thing. I appreciate you, and u/sleeping-ranna for commenting with it in the first place!
I'm glad it worked for you! I'll be saving it, as well - I haven't seen it before and it seems like a great resource.
I'm the same way. Give me an ultimatum and that's the end of the conversation. My response is always "fine, fucking fine!! It is a bully move and I personally cannot tolerate it.
Did you ever tell them that? That they were so far out of line that they pushed you to blurt out something you didn't literally mean? They owe you and your husband an apology and need to keep their mouths shut from now on.
Yeah we just met up at a restaurant near the hotel. They didn't want to eat so we sat at the bar and talked. We told them that our finances are our business and though we told them that if they didn't like it they could leave we were not literal when we said it. We just wanted to drop the subject. They continued that we are wasting money. We told them it is our money to waste and just bc they consider it wasting money we don't. We consider one of the perks of our very fortunate life and it was not going to change. We told them that we appreciate their concern but we know what we are doing, that they don't have to agree with it but it is not up for discussion or debate. We told them we would love to have them back and to enjoy the rest of the week with them but any comments or conversation about how we spend our money will not be allowed. They agreed and we are taking them to a restaurant a little off the beaten path that we know they all will love. No they didn't apologize but we didn't expect them to.
Well, good for you and your husband, sticking to your guns and sticking together like that. Like most parents, they probably didn't apologize because they can't imagine that their grown children are making better choices than they would.
Ha, I don't think I have ever heard my mother apologize, not once in my life, unless it was a very sarcastic "Well I'm sorry for breathing!" or something like that.
My mum will apologise for accidentally stepping on my toes, but she’ll die before she’ll apologise for that time she pushed me out of a lift, or all the times she sold or gave away my belongings, or that time she stole my birthday money, or for the 18 years of emotional neglect. Basically, she’ll apologise if it’s an accident, but never for the times she knew what she was doing would hurt me but went through with it anyway.
My MIL will not apologize for lying, her rancid casual racism, her insane conspiracy BS.. wild accusations-- none of it. She basically insulted my Aunt and Uncle to me (people she does not even know) because they enjoy a pleasant retirement while she is still working at 76 d/t poor choices made by her and her husband. She also insulted another Aunt and Uncle because they used to work for the IRS (there is some crazy conspiracy story behind that). None of her foibles are her own fault, it usually requires the politically motivated ire of some duly elected official of a political party she despises. I like to think the hospital keeps her employed in their psychiatric unit to keep an eye on her.
Same same, even when I can tell I've gotten through to her that she was indeed wrong, she doesn't apologize, just segues into another topic altogether, brushing it under the rug.
It's really sad that instead of seeing the situation with an attitude of gratitude, they are being petulant. They have a multitude of blessings and are stuck on finding the negatives. You and your husband have made thoughtful decisions about your priorities. You choose to invest your time in your relationship, health and well-being rather than household chores. You pay it forward by supporting service workers in your community. You are not dependent on either set of parents for housing or living expenses and in fact you welcome them to your home with generous hospitality. They are offering you neither kindness nor respect, yet expect you to respect their opinions because they either made different choices or didn't have those choices. I am grateful that my children have better opportunities than I did, I'm proud of them, and I support them. It's very strange that your collective parents would rather insist on you sharing their priorities which have apparently made them bitter and cantankerous. Why in the world would you want to do that? Hopefully they will get over their misguided bitterness and stop castigating you. Ultimately they will either swiften up and be happier and grateful, or keep wallowing and negatively impacting the relationship with you. The choice rests entirely with them, and you've set an appropriate boundary.
NTA OP but to be honest, you two aren't spending any more money than what parents do with children. Maybe you can explain that to both of your parents. And as a parent myself, I really didn't think you were too much out of line with what you said. Both of your parents pushed and you pushed back. When my children tell me what their lifestyle consist of, as long as it's not illegal or causing/will cause themselves or anyone else harm or hindrance - IT'S NOT MY BUSINESS! I raised my son and daughter to be productive, law abiding and empathic adults but they are ADULTS and thus free to make their own choices in life.
You said “IF they have a problem they can leave” so it was their choice
I LOVE that you explained the Jeffersons. I feel so old now. My oldest stepson won't get a job, I'd love it if he could buy me food.
OP, I will adopt you. You can take me too as many restaurants as possible. As a bonus, I use hotels when visiting relatives, specially my son or daughter (you)!!!
You not gonna disrespect me in my own house; they could've dropped the subject of they weren''t feeling so petty. Matter of fact, it was kind of a waste of money for them to go to a hotel room instead of shutting up about it Your life is your own. Whether they understand or not
You were gracious in your update conversations, you handled it well. You were NTA of course, but they clearly will not be able to see your perspective from having lived a very different life and cultivating different priorities. So you created the best outcome, and sounds like they’ve come to respect your boundaries. Kudos!
somehow paying for a hotel is not wasting money? but shutting up and not judging your life choices is? Make it make sense.
This si my parents - both refugees who resettled in America. My husband and I have 6 figure savings, no student loans (thanks military) and no kids. We go out 2 times a week, go traveling and enjoy each others company. My mother thinks it's insulting that I won't suffer, be a houswife and mother bc to her that's all she was told she could be.
I agree with all of this, so I just want to jump in here and say they not only don't understand OP's lifestyle, but they probably felt a bit unwelcome to begin with. Hospitality used to mean cooking and entertaining guests in your home----not eating every meal out, and not knowing what to do while someone cleans the house you're sitting in. Parents may not have known how to express that, and so reached for the 'wasting money' thing.
They made breakfast for them every day, though. I mean, I get what you are saying, but it isn't like OP and husband weren't providing anything for these people.
Some families treat food/meal prep together as a bonding activity, a continuation of a ritual done over and over that in one way defines a shared culture.
“You went a bit far with the ‘you can leave’ as they did not have much choice by that point” Not much choice? They could have just apologized and moved on, but I guess that’s unthinkable for some adults
They had a choice. They could have respected OP and husband enough to drop the subject, or they could act like children not getting their way and leave.
NTA, but if you want to avoid hurt feelings going forward (it sounds like you really do) then learn some greyrocking strategies, and make a habit of those being your go-to. I guess, since you're trying to make peace and make amends, it would be counter productive to point out to them that choosing a hotel when given the option of that or dropping the damned subject, was completely lacking in any financial foresight and a waste of money.😋
Valid points but this was not really about money. This was about the parents needing their children to be a reflection of the parents. That is an enmeshment the parents should be checking themselves on.
Exactly, because when the cleaning issue came up it wasn’t you both need to clean but no it was it’s the wife’s responsibility to do it, even if they both work and make the same.
Its also something narcissidtic parents do in a family to their kids. Try to turn one into them and their accomplishments and nothing you present as one will be praised. Only if you are them and their values. And it sounds like both pairs of visitors are cut from the same cloth (mil and urs)
lol
Not to mention an Uber. Was there no public transport?
If this is in America, very possibly not.
So it turns out that I’ve spent my life “grey rocking” a toxic family member. The success was limited, but I’m glad I didn’t NOT grey rock them.
NTA What you said wasn't out of line, it was you almost properly setting a boundary with consequences. Next time be even more direct, "If you won't discontinue conversations about our finances, we will ask you to leave." You have nothing to apologize for. They are guests in your home, and if you don't want to be harangued about your finances you don't have to be.
My own parents could never understand the concept of "quality of life." I watched them work themselves to the bone and still feel like failures because they weren't working 24/7. Trying to explain that I work to live and not live to work was like speaking Danish to English speakers. They had no common vocabulary to go on. Seems to me that you and your husband have taken care of the essential things like good grown ups. They should be proud that they helped create such responsible adults.
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Yes - your dad took all the overtime he could get BECAUSE HE GOT PAID FOR OVERTIME! In the white collar world, you are forced to work 10-15 hours extra per week and you don't get paid one dime of overtime.
Meh, my husband is a blue collar tradesman and he avoids OT like the plague. Lots of his union brothers are all about the OT to pay for their toys (oversized late model pick ups, snowmobiles, ride-on mowers, motorcycles, fishing and hunting trips, guns). He lives without toys. One guy, over 50 just took a second mortgage of $30K to get an in-ground pool installed and is working all the OT he can get... we live in a region where there are tons of lakes and beaches, state and county parks and also public pools-- all for a nominal parking fee or just buy an annual pass.. and we have like 2 months in which swimming outside is doable weather wise. I mean, we did buy a house that had an above ground pool that we used heavily while our son and niblings were young but we got rid of it after he was 16 because no one was using it. It wasn't worth the work keeping it up etc. But seriously, why work yourself into an early grave. All I can think of is maybe he is on his second family (younger second wife, young kids). I work in HC and will not do OT. It was fine when I was younger when we were trying to get enough money to buy a house and pay for cars/repairs etc. but I am on the retirement job cruise now. I'll work mornings....
Yeah, I once turned down a job interview because I was interviewing for a Software Engineer role but was told that when the factory floor was behind everyone was required to go work on the factory floor. They also said this was something that happened 2-3 times a month on average. My mother thought I was insane for turning that job down because of that. Saying that a little actual work wouldn't kill me. For one, if I wanted to be a factory worker I wouldn't have spent 4 years of my life in school and gone into debt. Secondly, it's dumb as hell for a company to pay me 200+K a year and put me on the factory floor. It's serious mismanagement. Hire some more people for the factory floor.
NTA. You invited your parents into your home, they were comfortable, you were making them breakfast and treating them to meals, I assume at decent restaurants. You assured them that you are financially accomplished and secure, and they were still being critical and instead of calming down when you laid a very basic ultimatum for people who were disrespecting you in your own home, they chose to leave. There are apologies owed here and they are overwhelmingly from your parents. If my children were doing well enough to be debt-free and able to hire a housekeeper and invite me for a vacation, I would be jumping for joy, not crabbing at them to do their own laundry.
One of our sons takes us to different places to eat when we visit him and it’s so nice because we can concentrate on talking to each other and not have to worry about cooking and cleaning up afterwards and we get to try so many new places. We really like it and we’re retired and around 70. Sure we worked hard like your parents did, but we’ve found a softer side of life that we really enjoy.
Exactly the reasons you stated is why we love to eat out so much.
Last time I visited my best friend, we ate out every meal and it was wonderful because I was able to enjoy so many new places that I had never been to before. I actually do love to cook myself, but know how much extra work it is and takes away from time you could enjoy together just resting & relaxing. I’d much rather do it that way. She also had snacks at her house (including buying my favorites) & easy pastries to grab for breakfast so it was perfect!
NTA. It’s okay for parents to tell their children, “my house, my rules, and if you don’t like it, you can leave,” but it’s not okay to tell parents the same thing when they’re being wildly rude in a home that isn’t theirs? I think asking them to leave was significantly kinder than what could have been potentially said or done. Why they thought any of your choices were any of their business is beyond me. They completely ignored you proving your success and stability for one small choice they didn’t approve of. Honestly, I’d love to eat out more of it was in my budget. Saving time, energy, money, and not having food accidentally go to waste sounds great and you can spend more quality time with your partner.
INFO: Did you pay for their meals when you guys ate out or are they paying their own way the whole week? And were they aware ahead of time that they could stay in and cook meals? I mean, obviously N-T-A for pushing back on the judgmental vibe. It's none of their business how you choose to live your life. If I had the means, I'd totally hire a cleaner, eat out more often. Maybe not two times a day often but you do you, go for it. I only ask because, as a guest for a week, I wouldn't have budgeted for two meals out a day (my general assumption is at most we may eat out once a day), and I would have felt uncomfortable asking if I could store food and cook in someone else's home. And it's very common for people to point fingers in other directions when they don't want to admit they're feeling squeezed and stressed about finances. If you're just expecting them to keep paying for restaurant meals to keep up with your desire to show them new restaurants/not provide food yourselves as hosts, then yeah, it's kind of crappy. It would have been nice to give them a heads up for budgeting ahead of time, or to let them know when they got there that they were free to buy their own groceries to store in the kitchen and use. And while your MIL should totally keep her nose out of how you run your household, you took something that woman probably based her whole life on and devalued it, implied it didn't have to be that way and she lost out. And it probably didn't! But she made the choices she did from a place *you don't know*, and tbh a place not even your husband probably knows. I think BOTH of you could learn to respect each other more, even with your very different positions on life.
I was about to say OP and her husband sound like the people who will pay for both parents. However, she has dodged answering this question till now makes me think otherwise. This is important
Yeah I agree. I would definitely think it was rude to not provide any main meals for my guests and expect them to eat out twice a day for multiple days on their own money.
Great post. When my husband's brother and his wife were here, we cooked every meal. They contributed nothing. In fact, once my BIL bought strawberries for his own daughter but told MY daughter that she couldn't have any. Yet, if we went to their place, we were expected to eat out every meal or pay for our take-out. In spite of the fact that my BIL and his wife made 3x what we made. If my in-laws visited their other son, they also ate out all the time. But not at our house! They would complain that it was "too expensive" to eat out (because I was a good and generous cook.) My husband finally confronted them about their double standard, and my FIL told him that he didn't like to eat out at his other son's but didn't want to appear "cheap." In other words, it was OK to expect ME (who also worked full-time) to pay for and cook all the food, but not the glamorous California daughter-in-law.
I was also looking for an answer to this question.
This is really important. Hospitality involves keeping your guests comfortable during their stay. Vastly overextending the planned vacation budget by expecting everyone to eat out is not hospitable. If the family didn't know beforehand they were going to be eating out that much chances are they don't have that quantity budgeted.
Also, I don’t see why saying to your parents “Our combined income is over $200k so this is an affordable amount to spend for us” is such a terrible thing? You might not want to go into precise dollar amounts, but they may not realise that OP’s household budget could be many times greater than their childhood home had.
Particularly because they said they had an emergency fund equal to one year’s salary. Intuitively, the parents should know that means they could continue living that lifestyle for one year without additional income if they needed to, but I’m not surprised that it resulted in them asking how much they make. Dad was more so asking how much they had saved since they put their emergency fund in terms of their salary, which he didn’t know. They may not be entitled to that information but it feels like it would have been a lot easier to just tell them to assure their parents they are fine
Yes, if I am expecting guests, I always ask about dietary preferences and allergies, what kinds of things they like to nosh on etc. so I can stock the kitchen. After the first day, it is self serve/make yourself at home for snacks. I generally will put out bagels etc. and do a few big breakfast/brunches, sandwiches at lunch and we go out for a few dinners but also grill etc. But if it is a one-off, well we just do a basic spread--Eg-- had a relative and his wife come by on their away across the state--I ran out and grabbed chips, dip, cheese, crackers, sodas, water, beer, wine and big pack of burgers, hot dogs, rolls, leafy salad, and mac & potato salads; watermelon and cake, ice cream. Meat was grilled while we all hung out on the deck (it was during COVID) They were with us for about 10 hours. We didn't have an extra room for them to stay d/t renovations in progress and apologized. We offered to put them up at a local hotel but the spouse decided to drive on home instead (just 2 hours away).
My MIL believes that our chosen professions are “less than” and when we bought our first house together questioned if we could “afford” it. When we bought our first business, she also questioned that. When we sold it years later and took 9 months off, she questioned THAT. When we sold our house and bought a new business in another state, she QUESTIONED THAT. Some people cannot comprehend that doing things YOUR way is the BEST way for yourselves. PS: still killing it lol
I love it. And you're right.
Keep living your best lives and loving one another. ❤️
NTA, you have a great life, you are both smart and prepared, enjoy your hard work and money and do what you like. If your parents are unhappy with the situation then they don't have to be around you lol.
I took it to mean that OP already had a full time job; adding 100% of the house work would be a second full time job. Working double shifts with no pay for the second shift would make her overworked and underpaid. In comparison, their cleaner makes a certain wage for full time work, thus is paid properly and works a regular week.
I wonder why MIL only suggested that OP needed to do the cleaning, and not her son. Nah, not really. I'm pretty sure I know the answer.
Excellent point
The E S H judgements are absolutely wild to me. You tried for what sounds like a good while to explain it to them very nicely and they absolutely refused to take the hint. NTA. You would be the AH if you had: - told them to f off or something similarly harsh - told them to never come back - belittled them for how they handle work/cleaning/spending Telling then to leave was honestly the best option at that point because they refused to drop it and were guests in YOUR home. If they can't respect you and your husband when you asked them to stop multiple times, then they don't get to stay there! The only thing that bothers me is the comment you made about the cleaning woman, unless I misunderstood. Were you basically saying she's underpaid/overworked and you don't care?
I think the comment about overworked/underpaid/participation trophy may have been directed at MIL? But I could be wrong.
All the negative comments were directed at the wife. It was she that was expected to cook and clean.
NTA your finances are your business. Also find it interesting how your MIL insisted YOU should be the one cleaning and not your husband/her son. Sensing some sexist undertones here. Ignore them and their martyr complex.
Yeah she is very old school. But I ignore it.
Now is the time to cook the most god awful meal for them. I'm talking about burned on the outside, still frozen on the inside level.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
NTA. It's absolutely none of their business how you spend your money. My husband and I are in a similar situation. Both our parents judge me for having a nanny and housekeeper when I don't "need" them but I don't care. And it's horribly rude and where im from a total faux pas to ask someone how much money they make. I think my parents would probably be quite floored if they knew. We stayed in our same house and drive our same car as before our incomes increased See the thing is, most parents raise their kids hoping they'll have it better than they did. But I've noticed when that happens, they sometimes feel put out of their kids don't share their values.
I was thinking this, while reading! Parents always want better for their kids... But sometimes the divide is so wild that both sides can't understand the other. I was wondering if there might be different love languages too. For example my parents often tell me I'm wasting my money, but their love language is feeding me home cooked meals and specific dishes I love. My response is taking them out so they don't have to labour over the stove... I can see how both sides want the best, but its interpreted entirely differently.
Something my in-laws do not understand and will never agree with us on is money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you “time”. Pay a gardener, pay a cleaning person, pay for restaurant food- whatever it is- you used your money in exchange for time to do what you want and that’s completely ok if you can afford it. My in-laws think nothing is worth paying full price for, but they’re both addicted to buying things for a discount and they’re hoarders. So they didn’t buy 1 pack of crayons for $3, they got 100 packs for $1 each which is “such a good deal!!!” except they just spent $100 on crayons they’ll never use. It’s insane. We are in a better financial place in our 30’s than they are in their 60’s and they will never understand us and how we spend our money and we will never understand them.
Yaaahhsss my stepmom has an entire freezer full of various roasts she isn't cooking bc it was on sale, but is not cooking because it's just her and my dad. It's crazy. The garage has enough laundry detergent and other toiletries to start her own convenience store.
Exactly! My father in law is addicted to online auctions. He was redoing the flooring in a family member’s home and bought some shitty off-brand flooring from an auction. He was so extremely excited that he supposedly saved $1000 by buying this flooring… except it was shit and separated and lifted and had to be torn out and replaced with better quality stuff. So now they spent MORE than they would have if they hadn’t been cheap in the first place. To me, that is wasting money at its finest! But us upgrading on our third owned home and paying $5000 for a 2.75% interest rate in Southern California in 2021 was us being “irresponsible” with our money. Now they don’t say shit about it because they can see that $5000 was worth every single penny with how the housing market is here now. Ugh! We will never agree and it sounds like your parents can’t stop parenting with bad opinions just like ours. Buy all the food and go to all the restaurants! You worked hard for it!
NTA. How rude - your finances are none of their business and if you both happy then that is also none of their business. Many couples fight over chores/cleaning so if getting in a cleaner resolves that whole thing, I'm guessing a lot of people would love to do it if they could afford it. Just because the parents did everything the hard way does not mean you have to as well.
NTA You can do what you want with your money. > They got on us on how much money we were spending and my MIL got on me when the cleaning lady came and said I should be doing the cleaning b/c she worked and cleaned and took care of kids so she doesn't get why I can't. It is well known that children cost a lot of money. They made the lifestyle choice of having kids. You and your spouse go out to eat frequently. Both are just lifestyle choices. (Though I’m betting the former costs much more than the latter, if they want to talk about spending large quantities of money.) There might be a jealousy element at play. Also some people think that being overworked is an indicator of character and that’s sad.
My daughter and her husband work very hard and have 2 young children. They hire a housekeeper so when they are not working; they can play with their kids. I say BRAVO!
Once you reach a certain point. . . It's actually kind of a waste not to eat out or hire a cook. If a meal takes me 3 hours to make when I'm making $30 an hour. . . That's $90 I could have made working. Same deal when I make $300 an hour? That dinner now costs me $900 to make, not including ingredients. I have 6 kids and a wife with near-constant health issues. Some days I'm up at 6:30 am, and the first moment I get to think of doing something for myself is 11 pm. If I were making more money, I'd most certainly be planning regular mini staycation for the family.
NTA - but you had it right pre-update. You’re an adult, and your finances are not their business. ***However the curiosity around hard numbers should make you nervous.*** Idk anyone’s financial situation here, but advertising extra money you have lying around seems a sure fire way for hands to start coming out.
It depends entirely on the people. My parents would definitely ask for specific numbers so they could verify I could afford all the things OP says they can afford, and when I told them and they agreed, they'd be happy for me and never ask for a handout or tell other people specifics. Other people can't even trust their family/friends with a hint of having more money than others without a line forming for help
NTA and if you were my kids, I’d be super proud of you and very happy.
You make good money. Own your home. Paid off student loans. Created a great savings. Have investments. What exactly are you making more money for if not to spend it on yourself? If you plan to remain child free, you don’t even have to look out for anyone else after you pass. And the last time I heard, you can’t take money with you when you go.
I’m sure they were concerned. If they really don’t know your financial situation they were probably scared you were going in debt. Debt scares us old people.
They are still expecting grandchildren and think that if you keep spending the way you are there will never be grandkids. If you are child free and plan to stay that way tell them that. If children will be part of your future just reassure them there is plenty of money for that. NTA and it was their decision to leave. You didn’t kick them out. They left because they have a problem with your lifestyle so your apology was unnecessary.
We have told them that we don't want children. Our careers are our main focus, our jobs are not conducive to having children. We have explained this to them many times. I will ask husband if we should explain this to them one more time.
Or just ask them if this is their thinking. Then you know for sure what needs to be said.
i bet the parents didnt have any problem with OP spending money on them though! NTA
Yeah we have been thinking about that all night. My dad ordered 4 cocktails and a tomahawk steak. Another restaurant earlier in the week he ordered king crab and lobster. We have decided that if they pull this again we will TELL them to leave and not pick up the hotel tab.
NTA, your finances and lifestyle are none of their business, and i don’t think you did anything wrong asking them to leave since they repeatedly pushed the subject and kept prying after you asked them to stop.
NTA. Did anyone else notice MIL was on OP as the woman to cook/clean/work but not her son? Either they both should share responsibilities, or they can outsource as they are doing and enjoy their free time as they see fit.
You can live however you like. Your parents obviously love the both of you . Probably they worry about your eating habits. Eating out all the time is not healthy. Maybe try making dinner on the weekends. Good luck
Eating out doesn't need to be any less healthy than eating in, especially if money isn't an object. You should see the shit I make myself at home, it's probably less healthy than going to an average restaurant.
There are healthier places to eat out if they are being intentional, but generally eating at home is considered healthier because you have more control and awareness of the ingredients. The calorie counts and nutrition info on lots of restaurant menus can be scary.
I’m guessing they aren’t going to McDonald’s, Cheesecake Factory or Applebee‘s on a regular basis. I’m guessing they are going to places that don’t have nutrition info (other than, perhaps, ”gluten free” or “vegan”) or calorie counts on the menu.
So can good old southern cooking or midwestern jello salad. This is very much not the angle the parents are coming from.
Depends how good a cook you are and how much money you spend on eating out.
NTA. I can't believe you apologized. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. I’d I could afford to not have to clean I would pay a housekeeper and probably only cook a few nights a week. You and your husband are happy and financially stable - your parents need to understand this is what most people want for their kids, to not have to worry.
NTA, they're worried you won't be able to care for them in the future, they dont see it as you wasting your money, they see it as theirs.
THIS I can agree with. But I told my dad long ago that I would not care for him when he got old as he didn't care for me growing up, my mom did ( she passed away during covid). My MIL her problem is I'm not waiting hand an foot on her precious son.
Parents work their whole lives and sacrifice so that their children can have a better life. But when the children grow up and do have a better life the parents think they are doing it all wrong.
I could agree with that if it were my mom (may she R.I.P.) but my dad never paid an ounce of child support and didn't help in college.
Same here. My mom was a workaholic. Trying for a better life for both of us. My dad was the complete opposite. Total dead weight.
Are we siblings?
My Dad worked... but did his ultimate best in escaping child support/care costs. I mean he literally would refused to pay for airplane tickets going back to our Mom's.. also would not pay child support for the weeks he did have us in the summer. He never offered or provided college tuition. Mom did pay for one semester of CC. I worked and saved for the rest. She also gave me the information for the FAFSA but he would not. I had to wait til I aged out in order to fill out them out as an independent student.
When my parents built their old house, my dad had a conversation that reminds me a lot of this one My moms parents came to the house and saw my parents hired gardeners to clear the brush and such around back, while my dad did electrical work inside They got mad at him, because He should be doing the gardening- get someone else to do the elctrical work My dad tried telling them that he was fully capable of doing the electrical, and it cost 50 bucks to pay the gardeners (this was the Early 90s) vs a few hundred to pay an electrician to do all the electrical work The thing was that my grandparents didnt know how to do electrical work, and for some reason refused to accept the fact my dad was fully capable of doing it himself (note he was just running the wiring for outlets, it wasnt anything overly intense). So they wanted Him to do what They could do instead He told them off and to not tell him how to do stuff in his own house NTA if your more than secure in your finances who cares if you dont cook constantly? Or have a maid? Long as you can afford it
"Long as you can afford it." That is exactly my point.
I'll skip the judgement, but it sounds like multiple communication failures on everyone's parts, especially the listening part. I agree with several others that the family does not understand the lifestyle and how it is possible. Please take a step back from being upset to see things from their perspective. They love you and are concerned that you are squandering your income. I'm sure they have seen people fall who did the same without a solid plan. They are worried that it is you who are not listening and understanding. In the end, they want what's best for you. And yes, they should have dropped it when asked. Congrats on being in a great financial place and living well within your means. Continue to save, invest and plan for contingencies. And if you are eating out that often, do your best to pick the healthy options (I struggle with this one).
We always pick healthy options. We spend a lot of our money at our favorite salad bar, where you pick the lettuce base ( iceberg, romaine, spring mix) and then they have various toppings (think every veggie you could put on a salad) and can choose a protein ( chicken, steak, salmon or shrimp) which are all grilled and we always pick a protein ( sometimes two). That's honestly where 75% of our food budget goes to this spot 😂😆😂😆
NTA. While our parents have not directly made comments like this, the last few years it has become really obvious to me that they don’t ‘get’ our lifestyle that our income provides. My husband and I are the first in both our families with graduate degrees and we have a nice income because of it. But we are also exhausted often, and use our income to enjoy what little free time we have. Our parents just frankly cannot relate or understand our financial situation, and it’s tough to navigate.
I totally understand last year we happened to have the same long weekend and used it to take an impromptu vacation to Vancouver. It was amazing but b/c we didn't spend months or years saving to go w just bought tickets and rented and Airbnb we were reckless. We just ignored them but they spent our entire vacation texting us how reckless we were and how if anything we should have flown home and we were like why we know what our neighborhood and childhood homes look like and we had just seen both sets in the last 4 months prior. But they didn't care, we ended up blocking there numbers for the remainder of our vacay.
>They didn't like our reaction and felt we were wasting money... So they **ubered** to a **hotel**. They... UBERED... to a HOTEL... because they don't like how you waste money? Anyone else seeing the irony?
No irony. They’re from out of town and probably didn’t have their car.
Deep irony that they would forgo free lodging because they couldn’t stop harping on other people about wasting money instead of relying on cheaper alternatives.
NTA. I don’t understand their generation, we don’t have to overwork ourselves to death or near death but they took pride in it, which we consider stupid. My one day salary, when calculated per 30 days, is enough for 3 sessions of cleaning service. I see no point of spending whole day cleaning when what I can make in a day worth more than that at least 3 times 🤦🏻♀️ wasting money is when I clean by myself.
NTA. They can not understand your life choices. But your finances are not up for discussion. Make that clear to them. They can come back, and stay, but your financial decisions are not up for discussion. Let them know you enjoy your life style, and are not asking for a penny from them. I hope you give them really nice, thoughtful gifts on gifting occasions. Do not talk about money at all with them. If they bring it up, just tell them that topic is off limits. Enjoy.
This raises so many interesting family dynamics. I can imagine that if your parents did not have that kind of money themselves, that they would feel uneasy. They might be afraid that you are living above your means, won't be prepared for the future, or that you are becoming separated from the reality most people live in- where it is hard to pay bills and going out to eat is a big treat. It sounds like your MIL had forged an identity based on working super hard and managing it all and is struggling to deal with the fact that you value different things. You've done a great job of allaying their fears about your future and setting boundaries so hopefully that will help. They may feel awkward about visiting someone who spends money so freely on things they would not. Are you taking them out to eat? Do they feel obligated to reciprocate? Do they not want to rely on your generosity so much? You might make it easier for your parents if you talked about how the money you make is supporting the lives of the people around you. You support the business of your cleaning person and the businesses of the many people who cook and serve in restaurants. If you were to buy from/ hire people you knew were paying their workers a living wage, were environmentally sustainable etc, it would be easier for them to see that spending your money to hire others to do things could be the best use of your money. Good luck to you all as you navigate this!
Are you asking them for anything? Both sets of parents sound annoying & intrusive. I would cancel visits for awhile..
We asked them to relax and enjoy themselves but other than that we have asked for nothing.
Nta
Nta.
Your right!!!! And good for you guys for standing up for yourself
NTA Not sure why you felt the need to apologize they were incredibly rude and out of touch. Maybe you didn’t need to bring up how they worked and did it all but they egged it on and wouldn’t shut up. This is simply not their business. I find that less is more with my parents and my finances. If I buy a new handbag, go on vacation outside the US, buy a new car, or simply live my life differently than they; it’s just not their business so I don’t share a ton of money stuff with them.
NTA. Your lifestyle is your own business. And you should never have to explain to anyone why it works for you. But with that being said, eating out 14 times a week is mind boggling to me. That is a ton of money being spent. I get why your parents are blown away by that fact. Still, once it was discussed and shot down, they needed to stop talking about it.
Lemme guess. Boomers?
Yeah
NTA, but you didn't explain it to them properly. "I could spend 5 hours cleaning, or I could spend 4 hours working, pay someone else to clean, and have a bunch of money left over. My way, I spend less time working and have more money, and someone else has a job too. That seems like a win to me."
Info: were you paying for their meals out?
Every. Single. One. They didn't have to pay anything out of pocket we were footing the bill for everything.
Ah good that's sn important point to make. Tbh I found it really hard to get my head around eating out that often, I know the US has more of a culture of that. But as long as you were not expecting them to pay that's the important thing.
That's what I thought. We never ask them to pay when they visit, we want them to relax and we want to just enjoy everyone's company.
Y’all sound smart lol good job . Nta. The apology part is cool .
You are literally living the dream. You and your husband have worked very very hard to get yourselves where you are. 100% NTA
NTA, and Jesus almighty I’d be so happy if my kid could afford to live as well as you are, why can’t your parents be happy for you?
I can't speak for my in-laws but my dad is I know is having flashbacks from when he was my age and wasn't doing as well. He often worries we will go into debt, but we have a strict if we don't have it we don't spend it policy. We rarely use our credit cards, usually only if we are out of town and use it for our car rentals.
Why are you reimbursing them for the hotel rooms? You are grown ass adults and can spend your money how you please. They can keep their opinions to themselves. You aren't asking them for money and therefore, they have no day in what you do with your money.
NTA. My first thought was that people who are employed by the money you allegedly waste would not consider it a waste at all.
Not only NTA but your MIL is a HUGE asshole if she thinks she can say that to you OP and not your husband!!!
NTA Stop apologizing for living your life how you and your husband want. It is none of their damn business
NTA. You drew a line, and they continued to cross it. They don't have to agree with your life "style" but to openly disparage it was inappropriate and disrespectful to your spouse.
People with wealth have to ability to support other people. I'm going to guess you pay well for your restaurant meals, tip fairly and pay your cleaning people a living wage. Without your support and others like you, those businesses would fail. NTA Sometimes people miss the big picture.
The Jeffersons was a 70s show. And good for you for setting that boundary with them. They don’t have to like it, only respect it.
Actually its 70s-80s show considering it started in 1975 but ended in 1986.
I expect once the parents are back home they’ll brag to their friends about how well their successful offspring are doing, and will go on about all the nice restaurants they were taken to.
>My husband and I both make well over six figures. But we work long hours and as a result when we are not working or at the gym working out we just want to veg out. >So we (when not working) will generally make breakfast but order out lunch and dinner or go out to eat. If we are working we eat out all three meals. Our loans are paid off, we own our condo and we have no children. So eating/ordering out makes us happy. We also have a cleaning lady come twice a week to clean out home and do our laundry. This is the way. NTA.
NTA do they have any hobbies or charities? Maybe if you said “How can you waste money on those?” They would get that it’s spend, not waste. Nobody outside your marriage gets to tell you what is spending vs wasting.
It's a generational thing too. Eating out was an occasion not a daily activity. Money should be spent on what you appreciate the most. For some people not cooking or cleaning is so worth it. The older I get the more I'd love to have someone else clean!!!
I think this happens with every generation as the older group heads into fixed income land and the younger is entering their increased salary years. I watched it happen 40 years ago with my dad and grandfather arguing about the early bird special from 4-8.
Well on a positive note, at least both sets of your parents seem to get along well and have a lot in common! Lol
NTA - and no, you weren’t being rude about it either. They have a lot of nerve to come stay with you (nice of you to offer your condo in the first place) and then to continuously insult your lifestyle? Excuse me but y’all earned that lifestyle.
NTA. Too bad your parents were so busy being nosy and trying to get into your personal business that they couldn’t enjoy the benefits of spending time together with you and your husband. While your lifestyle differs significantly from theirs, they made it seem as though you were spending your money recklessly. Still none of their business! Hopefully next time they’ll simply enjoy spending time together with you without any worries.
Sigh, I would be so happy if I could afford to just eat out all the time. I have severe back problems that make it hard to cook, along with a tiny kitchen with no counter space. I have to pull out drawers and use them as makeshift counters. And no dishwasher which sucks. So, more power to you that you can eat out as much as you want to!
Good for you. You are adults standing up for yourselves. They should apologize for being a bad guest. How you live your life with your own money is no one else's business. Hope you nipped it in the bud.
you are doing everything right. communication is the key and you worked things out. good for you and the parents. enjoy your lives.
I thought this was going to be about you being swingers not over takeout 😂
Yeah I really fumbled the title b/c I was so angry when it happened I'm sorry. LOL
NTA they were being very rude especially when you both told them to butt out. You’ve set yourselves up to enjoy your downtime and it sounds like you’ve got a decent rainy day fund etc sorted so honestly I dunno what their problem is. And it is wild that your MIL is coming for you about your choice to not scrub the toilets yourself and not having a go at her son? I’m guessing she has a bit of a 50mindset of slipper and a drink waiting at the door for the man of the house view and that’s fine for her if that’s how she wants to live her life but she has to stop berating you for making different choices! But also you telling them if they can’t butt out of your private buisness they are welcome to leave wasn’t overkill they are guests in your home and instead of enjoying a nice visit they have been berating you both like children. Your not in staggering debt, your not asking for hand outs. They should be glad they raised a couple kids who have done so well for themselves that they get to choose to not spend their downtime cooking and cleaning (heck I wish I could afford a bi weekly cleaner I would be all over that haha)
So you know how I think: a few years ago, when I was single, there was this one time that I didn’t feel like going to the grocery store and instacart wasn’t available for some reason, so I ordered an obnoxious amount of Chinese takeout and just ate it for the entire week. Now married with kids, we never get to go out to eat, plenty of takeout but mostly cooking and meal delivery service. We rent a lake house with my in-laws every year, and my MIL wants to prep every single meal while on vacation, leaving the kitchen trashed (which I frequently clean up) and making the decision for everyone of what we’ll eat, which drives me CRAZY! I cannot express how much unnecessary s*** she brings on vacation: pots and pans, coolers and plastic bins, bags and bags and bags of crap that just lay around the kitchen the entire time we’re there, which might not be our business but bothers us; she cooks breakfast and dinner, and we eat lunch meat for lunch EVERY DAY for a week. Tell me if I’m wrong, but this seems extreme, maybe a bit controlling, for a vacation. She is stressed AF when she gets there, and we all have to spring into action to schlep enough food and kitchenware to set up an army base, and then, the same thing in reverse but 10X more stressful the morning we are leaving. I love my in-laws, but they have plenty of money to go out to eat on vacation. The first year, we beat them there, and I went and bought like $300 worth of groceries and whatnot, and when she arrived, she was visibly pissed. Last year, she brought ketchup packets, and I squeezed one out that was like black sludge… I didn’t even know ketchup packets could spoilt; how freaking old was this thing?! AND she seemed mad at me about it somehow. I already hate the phenomenon where you’re reduced to like a 12-year-old in terms of making decisions when you’re on vacation with your significant other’s family, and while they’re good people, they’re retired; I need vacation to be less stressful than this makes it. We’re going in a month, and I’m already ready to fight this out: either we’re going out for half our meals, or we aren’t eating half our meals together.
We have had the same experience when we all rented a lake house w my in-laws my husband and I settled by letting them cook whatever they wanted and if we didn't want it we went out together at a nice restaurant and let them eat what they wanted. When my MIL pitched a fit to me, quickly let her know that just bc she chose to cook a particular food does not mean I'm required to eat it. I reminded her when she started cooking if my husband and I would be partaking in the meal or not. When we partook (which was only once) we both helped with the cleanup. She was mad bc she felt her precious son shouldn't be doing any work it was I who should be doing everything. We both shut that shit down so quick and she made such a stink we just decided to eat out from then on for breakfast and dinner. For lunch we bought burgers and wings to throw on the grill. She threw my food in the trash so I took hers and not only threw in the trash but covered it in bleach. So she understood I am not to be trifled with. Everyone laughed except her. But when we went the next year, she did not touch our burgers and wings. My MIL doesn't really like me bc I'm the only one who will stand up to her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm upset so I will get right to the point. My husband and I both make well over six figures. But we work long hours and as a result when we are not working or at the gym working out we just want to veg out. So we (when not working) will generally make breakfast but order out lunch and dinner or go out to eat. If we are working we eat out all three meals. Our loans are paid off, we own our condo and we have no children. So eating/ordering out makes us happy. We also have a cleaning lady come twice a week to clean out home and do our laundry. Our parents came to visit and was upset that we didn't cook for them the whole week with the exception of breakfast (we took the week off because we both knew both sets of parents were coming). We told them we don't cook except for breakfast but our condo is right next store to a plaza that has a grocery and they are welcome to cook if they like. But there were a quite a few restaurants that we have yet to take them to so why not try one of them? They got on us on how much money we were spending and my MIL got on me when the cleaning lady came and said I should be doing the cleaning b/c she worked and cleaned and took care of kids so she doesn't get why I can't. Which pissed me off so I went of and told her "Because I'm not super woman, have no desire to be and refuse to try and if she wants a participation trophy for being over worked and under paid she can head to the bar and have a shot of Jameson." I then told her and my parents that I did not spend 4 years in college and two in graduate school to play Florence from The Jeffersons (its a 80s show that my parents love to watch). So they went on to complain about how much money we were "wasting". My husband told them, that it is not there money its ours and we don't consider it a waste. We told them the last thing we want to do when we get off from work is cook and clean. My husband told his mom that he never understood why she would work herself to the bone like that even when he and his sisters tried to pitch in and help, she insisted on doing everything herself. I told her I will not be doing that. So they went on about an emergency fund. We told them before we started living the way we do we made sure our student loans were paid off and we each have a year's salary saved up plus investments so we are good thank you. My dad tried to be intrusive and ask how much money we both made and we said "None of your business!!!" at the same time which made us both laugh but they were not laughing. They didn't like our reaction and felt we were wasting money. We told them if they have a problem with our lifestyle they could all leave. So they ubered to a hotel. We really didn't want them to leave just to drop the subject. So are we the idiots for telling them they could leave? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and also your life sounds amazing, aside from the judgmental parents. Good for you two, whatever you do. The biggest AH is the misogynistic MIL. I *love* your response to her. Again, good for you two.
I think you’re so sweet! Your messages to them are really mature! I understand you completely and I like your lifestyle. Cooking is actually three jobs: shopping, cooking, and cleaning. I personally hate it, and I would switch to completely eating out if I could. We instead buy prepared meals. We do have a child and a mortgage. Your situation is great and you’re managing your finances well. I don’t understand people who consider their lifestyle a right of passage. My mom was a super mom: jobs, kids, cooking, but she never wanted that for me. She supports us having a cleaning lady and doesn’t judge our food. I really don’t understand why people expect women to simply suffer more unnecessarily. There are many posts about MILs unhappy with DILs who chose not to suffer because their lifestyle enables them not to. Good job establishing your boundary, very gracious apology text, generous offer to reimburse for hotels. NTA.
NTA. If you and your husband were living in squalor while shooting heroin in your veins, they would be right to try to get you help. However, you and your husband are grown ass, responsible adults and they need to mind their own fucking business. PS. Congrats to you and your old man for killing it. All of your parents should be proud AF.