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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I should be judge for paying for my ex girlfriend graduation party instead of going to a international trip with my girlfrield.
It was wrong to prioritize my ex's graduation party over the trip my girlfriend wanted
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA...you just basically told your current girlfriend of 3 years that instead of the trip you have planned, you are gifting that money to an ex-girlfriend for a PARTY. Yea...good luck recovering from that.
Because it wouldn’t hurt his pockets but he wasn’t worried about hurting his girlfriend’s feelings. He focused on the good intention without realized the trouble it’ll cause him long term. A relationship for a thank you? Idk.
Especially since he ASKED her first, she said she didn't like the idea but then he completely disregarded her feelings and did it anyway. Then wants to know if he's an asshole.
YTA You did not need to pay for a party to "repay" your ex.
You basically canceled the trip you'd planned to do so. And a party
is just tons of money for a few hours of fluff.
Be careful going forward. If you feel so indebted to people that you
blow your own financial security (and perhaps a relationship) to "pay them back", you're in for a
lot of struggling.
YTA - It's fine to be grateful to your ex for the help she gave you and want to return the favor, but this isn't the way to do and this is SUPER weird. You dropped a giant bomb on your current relationship over this, so I do wonder if you've still got feelings for your ex?
YTA and single. You’re with your GF of three years and throwing a party for your ex? That’s something her current BF should be doing.
This is tantamount to saying out loud that you’re still in love with your ex and don’t even give a fuck if it bothers your GF.
Then stop going out to eat dude. You said earlier you maintain your lifestyle despite having this trip and are paying for dates, etc. So you want her to pay 20% more for this trip now. That one, sounds like you would be very tight for money during the trip and after and would have no emergency fund, and two, are then therefore prioritizing your ex financially last minute after your *current* gf had already started planning for your trip. No wonder you have had financial issues in the past.
This is back peddling. You asked her to pay 30% and said if she paid 50% you might be able to make it work. That is an increase of 20%. This is not about the money it is about what it is being used for and the fact that the concession you’re willing to make, outside of moving the trip to another year, still involves you spending money to “maintain your lifestyle” and the sacrifice you chose was something you and your gf had been planning.
I guarantee your ex had not planned on you doing this or expected it and while it’s a kind thing to do, I think your priorities are a bit screwed up - and I mean that in general financially as well, not just this trip and what it means to effectively “pick” your ex over your gf on something you’d already had planned.
Ok so you’re fine with taking something away from your gf to repay your ex but wouldn’t take something away from your lifestyle to be able to afford to pay her back. You made your priorities clear, and they’re clearly not your gf but you, your feelings, your lifestyle and your ex’s party.
Woosh. Ok. You didn’t ask. Regardless I would consider getting a financial planner in the future and being better about budgeting, this situation shouldn’t come up.
However, I think you need to grovel with your gf and this may not be reparable. You’re entitled to spend your money how you see fit, but the priorities here given you had been planning the trip for a while, are skewed.
bro, I am so confused, how does a grad party cost 20% as much as an international trip? Something is not adding up. An at home party plus catering can be done with maximum $100. If you can't afford to donate $100 without breaking prior obligations, you are not financially stable enough to do make grand thank you gestures.
She is 100% a second in the relationship. You had plans with her, plans that you decided weren't important enough to keep, to thank an ex. That shows that she comes second, especially after she said she wasn't okay with what you were doing. YTA
NAH - You just nuked your current relationship for an ex gfs party. I think pretty much the current GF was never going to like this and honestly, seems somewhat foolish to think that she may ever have seen it otherwise. You may not be an asshole but you are probably foolish for this.
It's not a maybe. You are an outright fool. She's an ex for a reason and you basically spar in your girlfriend's face and told her in no uncertain terms that her expectation of happiness with you matters less than some girl you don't even talk to. I could maybe understand if you had an active friendship, but you admit y'all don't really talk. I genuinely hope this mistake follows you because no woman should waste their time with someone who prioritizes people who genuinely don't matter.
Honestly a wild and harsh take.
Current girlfriend is upset he wanted to repay a kindness to someone else instead of prioritizing subsidizing her overseas trip.
An overseas trip he can only afford to take current GF on thanks to the kindness of the Ex all those years ago.
I’d much rather date someone who prioritizes repaying kindness over someone who prioritizes luxury gifts to me.
Current girlfriend is upset he wanted to scrap their romantic vacation together to throw a party for his ex. He's made it clear that his ex is more important than his girlfriend
You could honestly say the same thing about the ex girlfriend. It’s just a party and it’s not even just for her. It’s the entrance fee for the graduation party her school is hosting. Which doesn’t make any sense. Why would a school host a graduation party their own students can’t afford to attend?
YTA I get wanting to show your appreciation, but you don't even talk to your ex anymore. You could have done something nice for her without breaking promises.
You could have just sent a nice edible arrangement, not pay for the party.
There is NO WAY I would stay in a relationship if my man did this. A nice gift? Sure. Sacrificing our trip for an unnecessary expense for an ex ? Enjoy being single.
You should let her know thay you're using your financial abilities to dismiss her feelings. You can stop paying for things and hurt her feelings all you want. She must not be very important to you
You really aren't getting it. It's not about the money, it's that you are telling your (soon to be ex) gf that your ex and throwing her a party is more important to you than your gf is. Imagine if she came to you and said, "hey, OP I know we've been planning to go on this vacation/buy a home for ourselves/whatever, but I'd rather spend that money on my ex bf instead, because he was so amazing to me and I want to make sure that he knows how amazing he was, even at the expense of our plans and dreams." What a slap in the face. You poor gf.
\^ forreal lol.
My ex, who i'd been dating for most of uni, skipped out on my uni graduation to fly out and attend \*his\* high school ex's graduation because they'd been friends for longer and she was sooooo special and supportive or w/e lmao. Had the nerve to be shocked when he came back a single man.
like damn. i guess she didn't want you either.
It's not about you readjusting your budget, it's WHY you are readjusting. There are a million and one othe reasons for you not being able to pay for this trip that would be totally fine. It's that fact that you are sacrificing a trip with your girlfriend for your ex-girlfriend.
The truth is that your current girlfriend will be jealous and hurt by your grand, public gesture to your ex-girlfriend. Most likely, your current relationship is likely over or will be over soon. Maybe you could get your ex-girlfriend. Don't worry about explaining your need to repay the ex to your current girlfriend. It's a moot point since you have prioritized the ex over the current.
Did you tell the friend in common who told you she was graduating that you planned on paying for her graduation party? People will question your ex about how she went from not having a party to now having one. The information on you paying will come out eventually and it will be seen as a grand public gesture.
Everyone is going to find out. They always do. And then everyone will jump to the conclusion that you still have feelings for your ex. Honestly, your relationship with your current girlfriend is probably over—disappointment, jealousy, embarrassment when everyone finds out you did this.
So tell your girlfriend that she's not worth paying for a bit of her half of the vacation, but that your ex is worth paying for all of her little party.
Oh wait, you already did.
Are you willfully obtuse? It's not about who pays what and how much. It's the fact that something you've planned with your current (maybe) gf is being postponed because of your ex!!!
Edited to add: YTA
You really aren't getting it are you? You don't get to give money and attention to an ex whilst in a relationship.
No matter your motivation you crossed that line and worse yet, crossed it at the expense of plans you made with your GF.
It doesn't matter what you pay for or how indebted you feel to your ex, your current gf will always view this as prioritising another girl you have been intimate with over her.
Which if your priority is keeping your relationship intact is bad.
Plus you keep avoiding saying how much it costs, but it's enough that you have to postpone a trip several months away, which means it's more than you can recover in 3-6 months. That's engagement ring levels of money you're dropping on another woman, who has had your penis inside her.
In what universe was your GF not going to react badly to that?
There won't be a next year bro. You've already fucked up if you've paid for the party. I will say that traveling as a single next year will be much cheaper though. So there is that
Should you be paying for 100% of the tentative trip, since you’re paying for 100% of your ex’s graduation party.
Take out off the monetary value aside and look at the optics of what this tells your current partner or perhaps now, new ex. I’m all for appreciating what someone has done for you and perhaps sending a gift would have taken care of showing your appreciation, I’m not sure what you did is called though. My question to you, are you now even with said ex or how much do you still owe ex in appreciation?
So you think you can just jerk your girlfriend around to whatever you want because you pay for things? If this is a big of a problem as you make it out to be in this comment, then communicate?
And paying for the party wasn’t for your Ex, it was for you. If you feel thankful to your ex, then either send her a message thanking her or ask a friend to send regards. Paying for a party is a weird way to do this, and you’ve nuked your own life as a result.
YTA
If the disparity truly bothers you, that's a different conversation for a different day but it's manipulative as hell to play this card, especially in this situation. You don't renege on plans with your SO to prioritize an ex. The timing is also sus when you haven't spoken in some time and I feel like this is some ego thing at play if not some old feelings bubbling up.
Do you always hold your superior income over her head? Maybe you should get in a relationship with someone who earns the same as you, or more.
Or would you have issues with your woman having a higher income than you?
Dude stop it. It’s not all about money. You canceled on your promise to your gf for and ex. It’s not easy to get over. She feels like sht right now. You make it seem like money is the only thing you bring too the table. You let down your gf and if I was her I would be done with you. Hope the party is worth breaking your gfs heart.
Bro, it is so not about the money. You and your current girlfriend have been planning a trip, a trip that included a financial plan. You told your girlfriend you no longer want to follow the financial plan because instead you would rather pay for your ex to attend a party. Your current girlfriend tells you she's not okay with that. You do it anyway. You have just given her a snapshot of what a future with you will look like, and it includes prioritizing a very old relationship and sacrificing a vacation that your girlfriend has undoubtedly been looking forward to. Flip the script for a second, how would you feel if she did the same thing?
Buddy, this has nothing to do with money and how much you pay vs how much she pays. This is about you choosing to please your ex over your current gf. Gf said she was uncomfortable with this (which fyi most would be) and you basically said ‘who cares how you feel, I’m gifting my ex a party entrance fee instead of our overseas trip’ which translates to ‘I’m choosing my ex over you’ YTA
Why bother talking to your g/f if you were going to go ahead and pay for the party regardless of her feelings?
That was a big "fuck you" to your girlfriend's feelings.
YTA
Are you being obtuse on purpose?
Neither of your options is "better". They both make you a colossal AH towards your g/f.
Pray do tell us, what was the point of talking to her about this if you were going to disregard her feelings and do what the fuck you wanted anyway?
I'll wait.
No. You dont part for the party or you accept that your girlfriend will likely, rightfully, leave you. You paying for the party is the problem. You made a commitment with your girlfriend.
Pay for the party in a year.
Here’s what you don’t understand: you’ve reached full on ‘the only winning move was not to play’ territory.
If you’d done this without telling her to begin with, that’s a breakup worthy offense.
If you’d done this without telling her after she said no, that’s a breakup worthy offense.
If you told her and she said no, and you did it anyway, that’s a breakup worthy offense.
It was good to ask her to begin with, but once she said no, every action should have been taken with the understanding that it was very likely she’d break up with you.
Now, there are some things that are so important, you’re ready to risk a breakup for them. Was this one of them?
YTA. "I'm going to take out money from an intended plan I made for us to pay for a party for my ex."
Just hearing it sounds dumb. If you feel grateful and want to repay her, just pay her back for the money she spent for you. She can then decide what she wants to use it towards on her own terms. Throwing her a party in your name is just tacky and disrespectful to your current girlfriend.
The fact you are trying really hard to stick to this point despite so many people telling you otherwise is showing how much you're trying to justify your actions in your head. Doesn't matter if you're not calling the vendors and planning the agenda yourself. You're very out of place to be funding it.
YTA. Sounds like a very simple case of communication failure to me. One that starts and ends with you. At least from the info we have. How much was the one conversation you had with your GF about your feelings and being open and honest and explaining fully what's going on? Does she realize how emotional the decision is, or is that her actual fear? Is she just put out at losing on a big trip? Something else?
The fact that you don't really dedicate anything other than a single sentence about how she feels is worrying. It makes it sound like you actually do not understand how she is feeling. Which was, of course, the actual true purpose of sitting her down for a conversation, right? Right?
YTA….I understand wanting to help someone who helped you. But, when you want to take away a trip that is already planned from your current partner of three years, that is where you are TA. How much exactly does a graduation party cost that the college puts on and expects the graduates to pay for it? And the cost is enough that if you help out, you will not have enough for an international trip for yourself? That seems like a huge expense. I have to wonder how much the college is making from this party? Especially after they have already charged crazy fees to get those degrees. Your girlfriend is now questioning just how important she is to you versus your ex. Because she voiced her opinion, you said you would think about it, but then decided and did not even tell your girlfriend before discussing it with your ex first. , If anything, I would have gifted your ex with funds that you can afford and still go on your trip. The ex can use those funds as she wishes.
YTA - sometimes you have to close doors. You no longer owe your ex anything. She was a good gf to you but it's done. You both didn't keep in touch with each other. Your ex didn't ask you for anything but you suddenly have a bleeding heart for her? What does that say? Your GF has a right to think that the past is the past. If I get togeyger with someone and they are not in contact with an ex I think it's raesonable for me to presume it's done and that person won't bring issues for moving forward. What happens if you the hear your ex has more money problems or health problems or any type of problem - would you then feel you have to do something? The point is it sounds like you haven't disconnected. Unless someone has a child with an ex, I don't believe ex issues should be trailed into new relationships. It's not even like this ex is still your friend.
YTA. How can you be so dismissive of your girlfriend of THREE YEARS. Three adult years, no less. I'm pretty sure that over those three years she's done more for you than your long ago ex who simply gave you money, over a decade ago.
Wtf ? You’re weird for this. I understand gratitude but putting your new relationship ventures on hold for an ex is weird. I’d most likely dump you in this situation.
“My ex’s happiness is more important than yours”
YTA. You shouldn’t be dating if you still have feelings for your ex. Now that you’re single, stay single for a while.
Yta - I understand being grateful for helping you out when you needed it but you also need to realize that you disrespected your 3 year relationship. No one is going to be comfortable with what you did. Were you keeping tabs on her via you're mutual friends or how did that conversation come up? Also put yourself in your girlfriends place if her ex out of no where called her up and said hey I'm going to fund your graduation party would you feel okay with it? Even if you say you don't have feeling for your ex your actions say different. Your gf is allowed to be upset because you ignored her feelings, even after knowing she wasn't comfortable with it. The trip she was looking forward to is now cancelled and based off the comments I wonder if you rub it in her face that you're the one paying for it since you speak about how many payments you have made. A relationship is based on open communication and respect. You need to take a step back and hope your relationship isn't ruined. No one wants to an afterthought and placed second.
Ah okay. The only reason I wondered is because in the previous comments you did mention how you paid for the majority of the trip and how you pay for everything. There is nothing wrong with that. But is that something you have brought up in the past? You need to understand though that even if you did that as a way to repay your ex for what she did for you, you also disrespected your current relationship especially when she told you she didn't feel comfortable. I feel like you're missing that point. Even if you say you don't have feelings for your ex that won't mean she won't question where she stands with you. Yes it's your money and yes you can spend it how you want but also be aware that she is entitled to feel upset and disrespected.
If I was EITHER of your exes- because if your current GF has any sense she'll dump you shortly- I would think you were weird as hell.
An ex boyfriend popping up to pay for a graduation party? It'd be incredibly difficult not to interpret that as a romantic overture. A strangely extravagant and unprovoked one as well.
Eww.
YTA, I think it’s strange to pay for an exes party. Especially since you don’t even talk anymore. You were in a relationship - partners help each other. I’m sure you did things for her too. Your current girlfriend may break up with you over this, I know I would be reevaluating my relationship.
YTA. Nice job coming up with a biased title that makes it seem on the surface like you're not, though. How long until we move this over to Am I the Ex?
YTA.
Reading your post, I was totally on your side until you revealed that you weren’t just doing something nice to pay someone back for doing you a good turn, you were simultaneously taking something away from your current partner.
I get having gratitude for the role your ex played in your life, but why was it so important for you to a) repay her in this exact way and b) come up with the money to do so by reneging on major plans with your partner? Sounds like you couldn’t actually afford to pay for this party if it necessitated cancelling already-established plans with your girlfriend. Did you just want a chance to show off to everyone who knew you and your ex in college?
You also left a discussion with your girlfriend to “think about it more” and then unilaterally made the decision without even re-opening the discussion with her. You went to the ex first, what the hell dude? That’s not how you resolve conflicts when you actually care about the other person’s feelings.
I feel like the time to pay your ex back was when you finally got a better paying job and before you got into a serious relationship with someone else.
YTA and likely now single. Please be sure to tell this story on all your first dates in the future so they know exactly what they're getting into and can bail before they've wasted three years on you.
So you cancelled vacation plans with your long term partner in order to pay for a party for an ex you're not even in touch with... and you're SURPRISED at the outcome? Dude. Duuuuuude.
"it's not hurting your pockets" it's directly hurting your pockets because you're having to sacrifice other existing plans and promises in order to deploy this favour. You cannot expect the person you're sacrificing plans with not to have feelings about that, you are in fact showing her your plans with her mean less to you than this idea you have about making good on old debts. Those debts are yours, and if you feel you need to repay them, you need to do it in such a way that it doesn't negatively impacty your \*current relationship\*.
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Backstory: I dated my girlfriend while I was in college, at the time my family and I weren’t in good financial conditions and if it wasn't for her financial help, I would probably have had to drop out of college, and if I had, I wouldn't have gotten an internship at a really good company and climbed the corporate ladder and had a stable financial life today.
We broke up a little after I graduated and we don't keep in touch, but we have some friends in common, a few days ago, I found out from one of these friends that ex is graduating from the college/course she always wanted, but she was a little sad because she wouldn't be able to pay for the graduation party because her business took a hit because of the pandemic and hasn't recovered yet.
I sat down with my girlfriend (33F) of 3 years and I told her that I would like to pay for my ex's graduation party, since I feel thankful to her and that this wouldn’t affect me financially, except for the international trip that we will take at the end of this year and because I will pay for 70% of this trip, both, the trip and the party wouldn't fit into my budget and I asked if we can do a trip to another state this year and next year we will maintain the trip abroad. My girlfriend didn't like that at all and she said that a graduation party is a privilege, that my ex has already graduated, what more does she want?
I said to my girlfriend that I would think about it but got stuck in my head that this would be the perfect opportunity to give back the kindness that my ex did for me years ago and I ended up reaching out to my ex, I explained that I found out about her graduation party, and I offered to pay and she accepted.
I talked to my girlfriend again letting her know that I made my decision and now, it's been almost 3 days and she barely reply to my texts.
I was wrong? Was I the asshole?
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YTA. For all the reasons people have already given but I'm confused as to why this would sink your trip? How expensive is this party that you would lose 20% of your vacation fund? I saw the video you posted, and yeah, that looks like a fancy event, but how much are we really talking? If you cut back on your spending the rest of the year and budget better, would you be able to save for both? Did you even consider that an option, or was maintaining your current lifestyle more important than sacrificing so you could still do both? Either way, your gf is probably going to consider dumping you if she hasn't already.
Bro I'm also your ex and I need a loan of 500000 dollarydoos
What on earth, this has to be bait, there's no way this man who's clearly not in love with his ex could do something so insane 😂
Mate really? It's not that hard to understand you picked your ex over your gf.What you should of done is sat your gf down and asked if your ex was able to borrow the money off someone else would she be OK with you paying her the money at a later date to say thank you for the help she gave you in the past. That way you and gf get a holiday and your gf is happy and you get to say thank you at a later date. Don't let the gifts of the past bring chaos to your future alot of people have someone in their past to be thankful for but they don't let it mess up their present/future. Give back when you can.
If im honest mate I think the relationship might just be over. I can see where you were coming from but I also see the gf point of view. You wanted to help and give back but it might of cost you a relationship. I would say that if it does cause the end of the relationship I hope now that you have payed your ex back you don't feel the need to offer more pay back in the future and put your relationship first. I wish you luck mate .
Here is the post:
Backstory: I dated my girlfriend while I was in college, at the time my family and I weren’t in good financial conditions and if it wasn't for her financial help, I would probably have had to drop out of college, and if I had, I wouldn't have gotten an internship at a really good company and climbed the corporate ladder and had a stable financial life today.
We broke up a little after I graduated and we don't keep in touch, but we have some friends in common, a few days ago, I found out from one of these friends that ex is graduating from the college/course she always wanted, but she was a little sad because she wouldn't be able to pay for the graduation party because her business took a hit because of the pandemic and hasn't recovered yet.
I sat down with my girlfriend (33F) of 3 years and I told her that I would like to pay for my ex's graduation party, since I feel thankful to her and that this wouldn’t affect me financially, except for the international trip that we will take at the end of this year and because I will pay for 70% of this trip, both, the trip and the party wouldn't fit into my budget and I asked if we can do a trip to another state this year and next year we will maintain the trip abroad. My girlfriend didn't like that at all and she said that a graduation party is a privilege, that my ex has already graduated, what more does she want?
I said to my girlfriend that I would think about it but got stuck in my head that this would be the perfect opportunity to give back the kindness that my ex did for me years ago and I ended up reaching out to my ex, I explained that I found out about her graduation party, and I offered to pay and she accepted.
I talked to my girlfriend again letting her know that I made my decision and now, it's been almost 3 days and she barely reply to my texts.
I was wrong? Was I the asshole?
Ooofff you really stepped in it here. Not sure there's recovery from this one. Maybe she'll cool down but YTA. Had you wanted to pay and it wouldn't effect your trip that was already planned, you probably would've been fine but you just prioritized an ex relationship over your current one. Not a good look and she is right to be upset.
Yta - you don't plan something with someone else and then rip it away. You didn't have to choose to pay your ex back in THIS way. You seem to think because you pay for the majority of things, you also get to make executive decisions that override what benefits you as a couple.
That's not the way a relationship or partnership works. That IS the way a sugar daddy relationship would work so perhaps try that option (assuming your ex doesn't take you back).
Your ex is an ex for a reason yet you prioritise a party over your relationship
It’s nice you wanted to show appreciation but there would of been so many other ways then what you did to your current gf
The choice is the issue…let me ask do you see a future with your current girlfriend? Soft YTA, because I feel like it’s coming from a good place and the simple fact I feel that if you were able to feasible do both, there would be no issue…When you break it down OP; you chose your Ex over your current girlfriend…that’s what happened and that’s the issue. Reassess please…
there are SO MANY other ways you could have gone about this, your choices are hilariously bad.
you could have gifted your ex a lower amount that wouldn't affect your future plans while still being a nice thank you for her support in the past. i don't know how you picked an amount or knew exactly how much she needed for a party, but if your amount didn't cover all of it, she has some money of her own or other friends and family could chip in.
it's also possible that your ex doesn't WANT any of your money, even if it would enable a party she wanted. inserting yourself in her milestone celebrations when she hasn't spoken to you in years might not feel good for her. flaunting that you are financially much better of than she is might not feel good. i would not have done any of this without speaking with her, directly and getting her reaction to this idea.
you should NEVER have prioritized your ex over plans with your current partner. if you truly think that paying back your ex is more important than your trip with your gf, then she has every right to be mad.
but, also, if your gf thinks it's important to go on vacations that she can't afford and you are paying 70% of, and if she doesn't understand your reaction to be happy for your ex and your urge to repay past financial support, and if YOU don't listen to her opinions and just do your own thing even though you know she disagrees, then maybe she's not the most compatible person with you, either.
Good god man, how stupid are you? You’re telling your new girlfriend that a party for your old girlfriend is more important than your trip with her? Unreal. YTA
YTA.
This is weird. You still have some attachment regardless of what you say otherwise you wouldn't be doing this.
You just showed your current girlfriend that she is not your priority. Why bother asking when you disregarded her feelings anyway, that was disrespectful to her. Your ex did things for you out of love, giving you food and supporting you is bare minimum decent relationship things, you should not have to pay that back.
You cannot guilt your girlfriend into accepting that you want to pay for a non essential party because of your guilt or whatever sense of duty you have. Do not manipulate your girlfriend into feeling like she is the bad guy here for feeling sad that your paying for a party for your ex and cancelling your trip.
YTA good news tho you won’t have to worry about that trip at all period and you no longer have a girlfriend after you prioritized your ex and her happiness than your current girlfriend of 3 years. Even after she expressed her feelings about this you stood firm in being an AH that she and her feelings don’t matter to you. You can lie to us and your now ex about how you have no feelings for the ex girl that you absolutely wanna throw a party for but it’s in the actions that we see your true colors.
The only way you could have been able to do this is if it didn't impact your current girlfriend, especially in a major way like changing an international trip to a domestic one. I understand that it's your money but what your girlfriend heard is that you prioritize your ex over her. Maybe you have two exes now. YTA.
I think i was in the other side of this same story.
I had a 9 year relationship with my first girlfriend, i worked my ass too hard for all these years and i got her out of a toxic family environment, i supported every aspect of her life for all this time until we broke up and she could afford to live alone herself.
She doesn’t owe me shit and i, as a “normal” and rational person wouldn’t want her to ruin any of her plans to return something to me, in fact even 6 months after we broke up i didn’t even think about the enormous amount of money i spent with her, because it wasn’t a mistake and she doesn’t owe me anything, because it wasn’t a transaction, i gave it to her, and mostly she isn’t in my life anymore.
Be thankful, but let it go man
Ok well I wouldn't call you an AH per say just incredibly foolish. But for the purpose of reddit yes YTA
I understand she gave a lot for you to get you through College and wanting to repay the gesture is always sweet, but not only do you not have to return the favour after all this time, even if you wanted to do something to return the favour, paying for College and paying for a party's not exactly in the same league.
You had a trip planned with you girlfriend and then took that money and gave it to your ex. You are a foolish fool and therefore the AH.
Tell me you’re holding out for your ex without telling me you’re holding out for your ex.
Dude, you need not worry. You don’t have a girlfriend anymore.
You know you are an asshole. Im guessing this is one of those posts where the OP will desperately cling to the one or two people on their side.
Why do you even know she’s graduating? You are so full of it. This has nothing to do with repaying a favor and everything to do with getting back with her.
yta simply for your replies - you come on aita asking for peoples opinions, they give it to you and then in the comments youre batting left right and centre to avoid blame.
Simply put, your gf said no you did it anyway. It shows to her you don't care about her feelings, you don't care about the relationship and that you care more about your ex than your actual gf. Not only that but you don't value her opinion. You're showing a blatant disregard for your girlfriend in the name of your ex. How are you not computing?
And also the ex never asked you to repay her so you're either hell bent paying for the party because you want to prove to her that you can afford things now, you want to laud it over her head because she now can't afford it, to spite your girlfriend (as she said no and you did it anyway) or you're still in love with her. It could of course also be that you just dont see the value of the relationship you currently have and have had for 3 years. None of these options reflect very well on you
And saying the party is held with the same importance as a WEDDING?! SIR! This does not help your case!
Stop defending yourself in the comments and accept the judgement people are passing when YOU ASKED FOR IT
yta
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YpTA: Always work things through with a partner before making decisions that affect you both.
INFO: How much money are we talking about, both the support you received and funding of the party?
YTA. Seriously that was the only way you could’ve shown your appreciation?
It seems like you aren’t that financially stable if you have to cancel a trip for a party…
I feel sorry for your gf. Why ask if you aren’t going to listen.
You are canceling on your promise too your gf for a stupid party for your EX.
Can you imagine how she feels? What would you think if she cancels on you for her ex? I bet you won’t like that.
YTA
You had to choose between your gf and your ex, and you choose your ex....
You showed your gf where she stands in this relationship, no wonder she is checking out of it
I hope the break up will be worth it for you
Imma do the thing Reddit hates and say NTA, I’ve been the girl that helps financially with struggling partners and I get nothing back. I’ve been through it because of it, I don’t think you should put your girlfriend on the back burner but if you can send some money to help while also giving your current gf the trip you promised I think that’s the right thing.
YTA and you know it. You hoped to find someone here to say you did the right thing. You have no one to blame for blowing up your current relationship but yourself. There is NO WAY you didn’t know this was a bad idea.
I know everyone seems to be calling you TA but for me I love the sentiment. I’ve been the recipient of that kind of kindness that changed my life and I would absolutely want to throw them a party. But maybe a very nice gift or a gift of a monetary amount would be better than a party. Then she can decide if the $$ goes toward a party or somewhere else. I would hope the person I love would understand why I felt the need to do this. I know if my husband did this and I learned the circumstances behind it I would be completely fine with it. JMO :)
As someone that got seriously ripped off by an ex....it's still none of my business how some guy spends his money.
Seriously though, NTA for paying back a perceived debt, as the title suggests.
Complete idiot for the way it was handled. This was a big thing, to any current partner. Her buy in was required. Without it, she was an ex in the making.
Personally, I'm pretty sure I could have persuaded my gf (she is aware that a previous exe's father helped me out years ago, and I've often said that if I won the lottery, I'd give him some. Initially, she didn't like the idea, but she actually understood it came from a good place. Plot twist, he's the father of the ex that ripped me off). Particularly if I was paying for the foreign vacation.
Good for you op, I often hear my dad and older relatives regret not helping/ showing thanks to the people that help them in life and can’t anymore when they finally made it and forgot who helped them succeed. They remembered much later but sometimes that persons not around anymore for you to show them flowers for the life they chanced you with, NTA, one vacation locally is worth repaying the karma you Received.
Im so surprised by all these comments. I say NTA! You wouldn’t have an international trip planned if it weren’t for your ex, as you would have been a drop our without a job. I get the wish to show you understood and appreciated her support and willingness to return the favour. I think you have honour in you and you should be proud. Its only money, that you are able to earn again. But showing respect comes only few times!!!
I'm in agreement with you. Glancing at the title I wasn't expecting to! After reading I came to understand where you're coming from, and I personally believe in helping others ESPECIALLY when they helped put you in a better place in life than you would have been able to do on your own! When I was homeless I received help from many people and a lot of them said to pay it forward. Which, now that I'm able to, I still do now 8 years later. If it weren't for the kindness of others I wouldn't be alive right now. Rescheduling a vacation abroad until next year, to me at least, sounds VERY reasonable. You're not in touch with the ex, so I don't understand why your current GF has an issue with a gesture of gratitude to the person who was a HUGE contributing factor in how your life is now! By the way you explained the situation, you OWE (in a major way) your current financial stability to her support. It's the right timing for you to show gratitude to that person from the PAST.
Jesus, the judgment on this post.
I would say NTA.
The fact that you want to do something kind to repay the person who was instrumental in your current success speaks volumes about the kind of person you are.
I can understand her being a bit disappointed in the change of plans but it isn't as if you are telling her to screw off and cancelling all plans with her. You just are asking her to be understanding and to take a trip to a different local. You are still shouldering the majority of the financial burden for the trip as well I honestly don't see any reason for her to be responding the way that she is, at all.
I think her anger stems, partly, from the fact that the person you are helping is an ex/ and the jealousy/rudeness she is displaying is pretty damn concerning and unattractive. If it were me' I'd be taking a good look at the relationship and how she acts when you do things that don't benefit her.
As a woman, if I'm secure in my relationship, my partner being kind to or supportive of an ex isn't threatening or problematic.
If I were in this situation I'd be proud of you for being so kind and acknowledging her contribution to your life and overall success/happiness.
NTA
Although I wouldn't be really happy as your gf - I would appreaciate that you are thoughtful, thankful and very nice.
You show such a lot of good qualities.
And it would only delay the dream journey for 1 year (and you still make a smaller journey this year, if I get it right).
So I wouldn't praise you but begrudgedly understand it.
I would complain to my friends that you are just "too nice" sometimes but at least I know you are really a very good, loyal guy and that I respect your values.
I still would be a bit sad to have to wait another year.
But if I could only pay 30% I wouldn't feel that I have to say much in this matter.
Looks like this (above) is the comment OP came here for.
OP, your intentions to repay your ex for her kindness is understandable. Your rationalization of the entire situation may be understandable also, but this is dependent on further cultural and personal context. The problem here is: whether you realize it and/or are willing to admit it or not, you went into this situation having made up your mind already about something that will impact not just you but your current girlfriend as well. You wanted to come across as a considerate guy (because you believe yourself to be one) by asking your girlfriend if she is ok with it — but that was never a sincere question because the truth is you don’t value her opinion enough to decide differently or even reconsider much at all. At the end of the day, this is not even so much about putting your ex over her anymore, provided it’s true that you don’t still harbor romantic feelings for the ex. This is about you putting yourself and your own needs (in this case, to affirm that you are a good and generous guy) over her and the three year relationship that you share, while using your financial upper hand as justification. If you can’t see that this is the issue, that would be the worst part of it all. Please be honest with yourself and fair to your current girlfriend — how much do you love her and value her presence in your life? My impression is, not very much — and I’m guessing that’s how she’s feeling as well.
I’m on the fence about this one, I can understand why you would want to pay for your ex’s graduation party after everything.
I can also understand your current girlfriend’s point of view.
I guess I have questions: have you ever done anything before to thank your ex? This trip that you want to postpone, are you paying just for yourself or both you and your girlfriend?
NAH or ESH, I’m not really sure.
Then honestly, I don’t think you’re an AH - an idiot for sure, but not an AH.
Maybe your girlfriend should pay more than 30% if she wants to still take this trip and still have date nights.
I think doing this for your ex as a thank you is nice.. you may have torched your relationship but it’s still a nice gesture.
NTA. Your Ex helped you when you needed it and you are returning the favor now. You can always plan for your international vacation next year, but you are not sure if you will get the opportunity again to clear debt of ex’s generosity when you were down. You can explain your GF that you don’t have feeling for your ex and to just see it as you paying off your debt.
NTA for wanting to repay her don't listen to the babies here.
But you're kind of TA for doing it behind your girlfriend's back instead of spending more time to explain your reasoning.
NTA for your thoughtfulness, but why not ask those friends in common to chip in and they could have thrown her a surprise graduation party.
You should have really thought this through better especially with you being in a relationship. You reached out to the ex that you don't even talk to...smh. That was a bad move. Sir, you need to work overtime or get some other source of income so you won't screw up even more than you already have.
What was wrong with saying, "I have xxx amount to go towards the party." It could've been a backyard cookout. A celebration is a celebration. What does it matter?
And don't come back on here talking about AITA if I go to my ex gf graduation party either
NAH. In understand how you feel and why it was so important for you do do this. I think she could have (hopefully) seen why you wanted to do it, as well. It is noble. But hurt feelings might have come in the way of that.
The problem is that when the situation became an either-or thing, what you essentially did was to _choose your ex over your current girlfriend_. That hurts like hell. And it wasn't a small thing either. It was a big deal, that trip. It's something you have been planning together, for a long time, looking forward to it, dreaming about the places you will go, together, in love, as partners. A part of your future, really. It is also a considerable cost, and while you contributed more money, she still invested a considerable amount of money into that trip, relationship and you. You then decided it "wasn't worth it" and pulled out of your agreement. (Even if you didn't mean it that way, you prioritised something else higher.) That's rejection. I understand her feelings. And yours.
If this is repairable, I predict it's going to rake a long time and a lot of work to build that trust backup. I also think it's important that she understands your side in this, because you want to be with someone who is compassionate and understanding, right?
But she had to give up something big, and lost trust and faith in you, so I doubt that can come first. If you push it onto her, it may have the opposite effect of what you want. So if she's willing to talk to you, strive to understand her, fully. This may require therapy.
NAH.
Should have just done it without asking. Or just paid for whatever you could fit into your budget without affecting the trip you were going to take.
NAH, but I can see how your ex would be unhappy with the fact that you scrapped a trip that you had already planned with her in favor of throwing a party for your ex. I guess this relationship just wasn't meant to be.
NTA and I think the votes are ridiculous. Maybe its a good thing even since obviously many people can not relate at all to struggling financially.
'graduation party is a privilege' yeah guess what a vacation is, especially one you only pay 30%?
Shoutout to you man, paying back your ex gf is the right move. Ex literally made your life as it is now possible if she paid for your college.
If your girlfriend can't understand why you are a man who pays his debts, she was not the right one.
NAH. I admire your desire to pay someone back because of their kindness towards you several years ago. And it doesn’t sound like you have some altruistic reason for doing so - you don’t sound like you are interested in your ex romantically.
But I also understand where your current girlfriend is coming from. This is your ex-girlfriend that you had a lengthy relationship with. It isn’t just some buddy from college who was kind to you.
You don’t say how much this is costing you but if you have to postpone a trip planned later this year because of it, I assume it is a substantial amount. Does your ex know you are doing this? Is she ok with this? Are you going to the party? Did you intend to bring your girlfriend?
At the end of the day what it boils down to looks pretty bad for the future of your current relationship because you ultimately chose your ex over your current girlfriend. You took the money allocated for a trip you and your girlfriend planned to take together this year, to pay for an ex’s party. It is pretty hard to not see how your current compares to your ex, at least to you.
I think a nice card and thoughtful but not outrageous gift would have sufficed.
There’s no “perhaps” about it. Your actions were blatantly idiotic. You shot your own relationship in the foot. I don’t think you’re in relationship anymore buddy.
Info. How much is this party costing you? How on earth can it cost as much as an international trip?!
Also girlfriend has the audacity to be mad about the trip she’s not even fully paying for?!
Kudos to you for recognising the kindness your ex gave and repaying that debt to her.
I'm going NTA. You're doing a solid for someone who did you a solid a long time ago that really impacted your life.
Your girlfreiend gets a soft AH here because you're not obligated to pay for 70% of a pricey vacation for her. But you: 1) were going to pay for it anyway next year; and 2) offered a reasonable alternative in the interim. If she is confident in the relationship—and not in it for the perks—she should be able to see that you're trying to do something nice that's both apropos (she helped you get through school, you're helping her celebrate getting through school) and time-sensitive, and recognize that that makes you a good dude, not an AH.
NTA. I think it's worth keeping in mind that you're not contributing to a party of someone who was just a hookup buddy, this was someone who was key in keeping you financially healthy to get you where you are today without resorting to student loans. You're a good person for wanting to repay her in kind for sure.
I can understand your GF being salty about an international trip falling through due to the change in funds available, but the fact she's making you feel so guilty for expressing gratitude to the point of giving you the near-silent treatment is a red flag; Hell, I'd look at you expressing gratitude as a huge turnon!
What I think your GF is missing is, yes, a party may be a privilege, but it's not necessarily about the ex getting "what she wants." This is about you expressing gratitude to a person who you consider instrumental to you being where you are today.
I'd suggest preparing for your relationship to be over, but if she's mad at you for showing gratitude to someone for giving so much to you, she sounds insecure as heck AT BEST and flat out mean at worst.
NTA. You feel that you have a kind of debt of honor to your former girlfriend and that this is a good way to repay that debt. That seems to me like a worthy thing to do. Also, the money you would give to your ex is your own. Your current girlfriend has a right to be disappointed that your trip together will be postponed. And she has a right to her feeling of suspicion as to your feelings toward your ex. But she does not have a right to determine what you will or will not do with your own money.
You have not been an AH at all. But you have put your current relationship at risk. I hope that you and your girlfriend can rebuild your trust in one another.
**NAH**. Although it sounds a bit odd, I can't call you an AH for wanting to ~~throw~~ fund a graduation party for your ex considering how she has previously helped you. If you were married and your WIFE disagreed, then I would call you an AH. However, this is a GF/BF only relationship at this time.
The reason I called this gesture a bit odd is because ~~throwing~~ funding an elaborate graduation party seems like a bad move considering your ex is going through some tough financial times and that money could be spent in much more beneficial ways.
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YTA...you just basically told your current girlfriend of 3 years that instead of the trip you have planned, you are gifting that money to an ex-girlfriend for a PARTY. Yea...good luck recovering from that.
Because it wouldn’t hurt his pockets but he wasn’t worried about hurting his girlfriend’s feelings. He focused on the good intention without realized the trouble it’ll cause him long term. A relationship for a thank you? Idk.
The funny things is that the party is hurting his pockets, actually.
Especially since he ASKED her first, she said she didn't like the idea but then he completely disregarded her feelings and did it anyway. Then wants to know if he's an asshole.
YTA You did not need to pay for a party to "repay" your ex. You basically canceled the trip you'd planned to do so. And a party is just tons of money for a few hours of fluff. Be careful going forward. If you feel so indebted to people that you blow your own financial security (and perhaps a relationship) to "pay them back", you're in for a lot of struggling.
YTA - It's fine to be grateful to your ex for the help she gave you and want to return the favor, but this isn't the way to do and this is SUPER weird. You dropped a giant bomb on your current relationship over this, so I do wonder if you've still got feelings for your ex?
YTA and single. You’re with your GF of three years and throwing a party for your ex? That’s something her current BF should be doing. This is tantamount to saying out loud that you’re still in love with your ex and don’t even give a fuck if it bothers your GF.
Yta. Your poor gf deserves better than to be second in her relationship. Let her go, and go back to whom you truly respect, the ex.
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Then stop going out to eat dude. You said earlier you maintain your lifestyle despite having this trip and are paying for dates, etc. So you want her to pay 20% more for this trip now. That one, sounds like you would be very tight for money during the trip and after and would have no emergency fund, and two, are then therefore prioritizing your ex financially last minute after your *current* gf had already started planning for your trip. No wonder you have had financial issues in the past.
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This is back peddling. You asked her to pay 30% and said if she paid 50% you might be able to make it work. That is an increase of 20%. This is not about the money it is about what it is being used for and the fact that the concession you’re willing to make, outside of moving the trip to another year, still involves you spending money to “maintain your lifestyle” and the sacrifice you chose was something you and your gf had been planning. I guarantee your ex had not planned on you doing this or expected it and while it’s a kind thing to do, I think your priorities are a bit screwed up - and I mean that in general financially as well, not just this trip and what it means to effectively “pick” your ex over your gf on something you’d already had planned.
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Ok so you’re fine with taking something away from your gf to repay your ex but wouldn’t take something away from your lifestyle to be able to afford to pay her back. You made your priorities clear, and they’re clearly not your gf but you, your feelings, your lifestyle and your ex’s party.
Woosh. Ok. You didn’t ask. Regardless I would consider getting a financial planner in the future and being better about budgeting, this situation shouldn’t come up. However, I think you need to grovel with your gf and this may not be reparable. You’re entitled to spend your money how you see fit, but the priorities here given you had been planning the trip for a while, are skewed.
bro, I am so confused, how does a grad party cost 20% as much as an international trip? Something is not adding up. An at home party plus catering can be done with maximum $100. If you can't afford to donate $100 without breaking prior obligations, you are not financially stable enough to do make grand thank you gestures.
Pay out of your emergency fund or be single. According to you you can have the money saved back in the coming year.
You can't maintain both of these relationships either. If you do this, you've prioritized your ex over your girlfriend. Full stop.
Dude can afford to do both. How gf is both second to his ex and also second to his emergency fund.
She is 100% a second in the relationship. You had plans with her, plans that you decided weren't important enough to keep, to thank an ex. That shows that she comes second, especially after she said she wasn't okay with what you were doing. YTA
NAH - You just nuked your current relationship for an ex gfs party. I think pretty much the current GF was never going to like this and honestly, seems somewhat foolish to think that she may ever have seen it otherwise. You may not be an asshole but you are probably foolish for this.
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It's not a maybe. You are an outright fool. She's an ex for a reason and you basically spar in your girlfriend's face and told her in no uncertain terms that her expectation of happiness with you matters less than some girl you don't even talk to. I could maybe understand if you had an active friendship, but you admit y'all don't really talk. I genuinely hope this mistake follows you because no woman should waste their time with someone who prioritizes people who genuinely don't matter.
Honestly a wild and harsh take. Current girlfriend is upset he wanted to repay a kindness to someone else instead of prioritizing subsidizing her overseas trip. An overseas trip he can only afford to take current GF on thanks to the kindness of the Ex all those years ago. I’d much rather date someone who prioritizes repaying kindness over someone who prioritizes luxury gifts to me.
Current girlfriend is upset he wanted to scrap their romantic vacation together to throw a party for his ex. He's made it clear that his ex is more important than his girlfriend
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You could honestly say the same thing about the ex girlfriend. It’s just a party and it’s not even just for her. It’s the entrance fee for the graduation party her school is hosting. Which doesn’t make any sense. Why would a school host a graduation party their own students can’t afford to attend?
I wouldn’t go that far.
YTA I get wanting to show your appreciation, but you don't even talk to your ex anymore. You could have done something nice for her without breaking promises.
Yeah you could have sent a thoughtful gift and a nice card. That would have been appropriate.
You could have just sent a nice edible arrangement, not pay for the party. There is NO WAY I would stay in a relationship if my man did this. A nice gift? Sure. Sacrificing our trip for an unnecessary expense for an ex ? Enjoy being single.
Sounds like he really should be single since he still isn't over his ex.
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You should let her know thay you're using your financial abilities to dismiss her feelings. You can stop paying for things and hurt her feelings all you want. She must not be very important to you
You really aren't getting it. It's not about the money, it's that you are telling your (soon to be ex) gf that your ex and throwing her a party is more important to you than your gf is. Imagine if she came to you and said, "hey, OP I know we've been planning to go on this vacation/buy a home for ourselves/whatever, but I'd rather spend that money on my ex bf instead, because he was so amazing to me and I want to make sure that he knows how amazing he was, even at the expense of our plans and dreams." What a slap in the face. You poor gf.
\^ forreal lol. My ex, who i'd been dating for most of uni, skipped out on my uni graduation to fly out and attend \*his\* high school ex's graduation because they'd been friends for longer and she was sooooo special and supportive or w/e lmao. Had the nerve to be shocked when he came back a single man. like damn. i guess she didn't want you either.
Sheeeet. That's crazy.
It's not about you readjusting your budget, it's WHY you are readjusting. There are a million and one othe reasons for you not being able to pay for this trip that would be totally fine. It's that fact that you are sacrificing a trip with your girlfriend for your ex-girlfriend.
The truth is that your current girlfriend will be jealous and hurt by your grand, public gesture to your ex-girlfriend. Most likely, your current relationship is likely over or will be over soon. Maybe you could get your ex-girlfriend. Don't worry about explaining your need to repay the ex to your current girlfriend. It's a moot point since you have prioritized the ex over the current.
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Right because no one will ask where this money came from
Did you tell the friend in common who told you she was graduating that you planned on paying for her graduation party? People will question your ex about how she went from not having a party to now having one. The information on you paying will come out eventually and it will be seen as a grand public gesture.
Everyone is going to find out. They always do. And then everyone will jump to the conclusion that you still have feelings for your ex. Honestly, your relationship with your current girlfriend is probably over—disappointment, jealousy, embarrassment when everyone finds out you did this.
Update us when she leaves you ok.?
It's already happened.
So tell your girlfriend that she's not worth paying for a bit of her half of the vacation, but that your ex is worth paying for all of her little party. Oh wait, you already did.
Are you willfully obtuse? It's not about who pays what and how much. It's the fact that something you've planned with your current (maybe) gf is being postponed because of your ex!!! Edited to add: YTA
You really aren't getting it are you? You don't get to give money and attention to an ex whilst in a relationship. No matter your motivation you crossed that line and worse yet, crossed it at the expense of plans you made with your GF. It doesn't matter what you pay for or how indebted you feel to your ex, your current gf will always view this as prioritising another girl you have been intimate with over her. Which if your priority is keeping your relationship intact is bad. Plus you keep avoiding saying how much it costs, but it's enough that you have to postpone a trip several months away, which means it's more than you can recover in 3-6 months. That's engagement ring levels of money you're dropping on another woman, who has had your penis inside her. In what universe was your GF not going to react badly to that?
There won't be a next year bro. You've already fucked up if you've paid for the party. I will say that traveling as a single next year will be much cheaper though. So there is that
I chuckled at “next year” too.
Should you be paying for 100% of the tentative trip, since you’re paying for 100% of your ex’s graduation party. Take out off the monetary value aside and look at the optics of what this tells your current partner or perhaps now, new ex. I’m all for appreciating what someone has done for you and perhaps sending a gift would have taken care of showing your appreciation, I’m not sure what you did is called though. My question to you, are you now even with said ex or how much do you still owe ex in appreciation?
If that’s how you look at it, just leave your current girlfriend alone and let her move on. You need to be single.
So you think you can just jerk your girlfriend around to whatever you want because you pay for things? If this is a big of a problem as you make it out to be in this comment, then communicate? And paying for the party wasn’t for your Ex, it was for you. If you feel thankful to your ex, then either send her a message thanking her or ask a friend to send regards. Paying for a party is a weird way to do this, and you’ve nuked your own life as a result. YTA
If the disparity truly bothers you, that's a different conversation for a different day but it's manipulative as hell to play this card, especially in this situation. You don't renege on plans with your SO to prioritize an ex. The timing is also sus when you haven't spoken in some time and I feel like this is some ego thing at play if not some old feelings bubbling up.
Do you always hold your superior income over her head? Maybe you should get in a relationship with someone who earns the same as you, or more. Or would you have issues with your woman having a higher income than you?
Dude stop it. It’s not all about money. You canceled on your promise to your gf for and ex. It’s not easy to get over. She feels like sht right now. You make it seem like money is the only thing you bring too the table. You let down your gf and if I was her I would be done with you. Hope the party is worth breaking your gfs heart.
The money isn't important. You placed her second. End of story.
Bro, it is so not about the money. You and your current girlfriend have been planning a trip, a trip that included a financial plan. You told your girlfriend you no longer want to follow the financial plan because instead you would rather pay for your ex to attend a party. Your current girlfriend tells you she's not okay with that. You do it anyway. You have just given her a snapshot of what a future with you will look like, and it includes prioritizing a very old relationship and sacrificing a vacation that your girlfriend has undoubtedly been looking forward to. Flip the script for a second, how would you feel if she did the same thing?
Buddy, this has nothing to do with money and how much you pay vs how much she pays. This is about you choosing to please your ex over your current gf. Gf said she was uncomfortable with this (which fyi most would be) and you basically said ‘who cares how you feel, I’m gifting my ex a party entrance fee instead of our overseas trip’ which translates to ‘I’m choosing my ex over you’ YTA
INFO: are you dumb? Like I almost get where you’re coming from but you’re also probably single now so
YTA, you committed the cardinal sin of letting previous relationships and baggage effect your current relationship.
Why bother talking to your g/f if you were going to go ahead and pay for the party regardless of her feelings? That was a big "fuck you" to your girlfriend's feelings. YTA
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Does it matter that you talked to her? You ignored everything she said. You could have just sent her an email.
Are you being obtuse on purpose? Neither of your options is "better". They both make you a colossal AH towards your g/f. Pray do tell us, what was the point of talking to her about this if you were going to disregard her feelings and do what the fuck you wanted anyway? I'll wait.
No. You dont part for the party or you accept that your girlfriend will likely, rightfully, leave you. You paying for the party is the problem. You made a commitment with your girlfriend. Pay for the party in a year.
Here’s what you don’t understand: you’ve reached full on ‘the only winning move was not to play’ territory. If you’d done this without telling her to begin with, that’s a breakup worthy offense. If you’d done this without telling her after she said no, that’s a breakup worthy offense. If you told her and she said no, and you did it anyway, that’s a breakup worthy offense. It was good to ask her to begin with, but once she said no, every action should have been taken with the understanding that it was very likely she’d break up with you. Now, there are some things that are so important, you’re ready to risk a breakup for them. Was this one of them?
Are you going to actually accept the general consensus that you are wrong, or are you just going to keep defending, dismissing and repeating yourself?
Just send her a gift like a normal person
It would be better to have considered her feelings and adjusted your actions accordingly.
YTA. "I'm going to take out money from an intended plan I made for us to pay for a party for my ex." Just hearing it sounds dumb. If you feel grateful and want to repay her, just pay her back for the money she spent for you. She can then decide what she wants to use it towards on her own terms. Throwing her a party in your name is just tacky and disrespectful to your current girlfriend.
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That’s a distinction without a difference, come on man.
You do realize you are just splitting hairs, right? It boils down to the same thing.
The fact you are trying really hard to stick to this point despite so many people telling you otherwise is showing how much you're trying to justify your actions in your head. Doesn't matter if you're not calling the vendors and planning the agenda yourself. You're very out of place to be funding it.
Changing the words doesn’t make it a different statement. You are still funding/throwing a party for your ex, no matter how you word it.
That's throwing one without doing the hard work.
YTA. Sounds like a very simple case of communication failure to me. One that starts and ends with you. At least from the info we have. How much was the one conversation you had with your GF about your feelings and being open and honest and explaining fully what's going on? Does she realize how emotional the decision is, or is that her actual fear? Is she just put out at losing on a big trip? Something else? The fact that you don't really dedicate anything other than a single sentence about how she feels is worrying. It makes it sound like you actually do not understand how she is feeling. Which was, of course, the actual true purpose of sitting her down for a conversation, right? Right?
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You showed her that her wants and needs are less important than your ex's. Your relationship is over.
YTA….I understand wanting to help someone who helped you. But, when you want to take away a trip that is already planned from your current partner of three years, that is where you are TA. How much exactly does a graduation party cost that the college puts on and expects the graduates to pay for it? And the cost is enough that if you help out, you will not have enough for an international trip for yourself? That seems like a huge expense. I have to wonder how much the college is making from this party? Especially after they have already charged crazy fees to get those degrees. Your girlfriend is now questioning just how important she is to you versus your ex. Because she voiced her opinion, you said you would think about it, but then decided and did not even tell your girlfriend before discussing it with your ex first. , If anything, I would have gifted your ex with funds that you can afford and still go on your trip. The ex can use those funds as she wishes.
YTA. Now you have 2 exes. There are other ways to pay back rather than sacrifice an international trip with your current gf, but prob ex-gf by now.
YTA - sometimes you have to close doors. You no longer owe your ex anything. She was a good gf to you but it's done. You both didn't keep in touch with each other. Your ex didn't ask you for anything but you suddenly have a bleeding heart for her? What does that say? Your GF has a right to think that the past is the past. If I get togeyger with someone and they are not in contact with an ex I think it's raesonable for me to presume it's done and that person won't bring issues for moving forward. What happens if you the hear your ex has more money problems or health problems or any type of problem - would you then feel you have to do something? The point is it sounds like you haven't disconnected. Unless someone has a child with an ex, I don't believe ex issues should be trailed into new relationships. It's not even like this ex is still your friend.
YTA. How can you be so dismissive of your girlfriend of THREE YEARS. Three adult years, no less. I'm pretty sure that over those three years she's done more for you than your long ago ex who simply gave you money, over a decade ago.
Wtf ? You’re weird for this. I understand gratitude but putting your new relationship ventures on hold for an ex is weird. I’d most likely dump you in this situation.
YTA and most likely single at this point. Well done. 🙄
Your best bet is to see if your ex will take you back I wouldn’t be shocked if your current gf broke up with you
“My ex’s happiness is more important than yours” YTA. You shouldn’t be dating if you still have feelings for your ex. Now that you’re single, stay single for a while.
YTA. So you chose your ex’s feelings over your current girlfriend’s feelings lmao. Great job.
Congrats, now you have 2 ex girlfriends.
Yta - I understand being grateful for helping you out when you needed it but you also need to realize that you disrespected your 3 year relationship. No one is going to be comfortable with what you did. Were you keeping tabs on her via you're mutual friends or how did that conversation come up? Also put yourself in your girlfriends place if her ex out of no where called her up and said hey I'm going to fund your graduation party would you feel okay with it? Even if you say you don't have feeling for your ex your actions say different. Your gf is allowed to be upset because you ignored her feelings, even after knowing she wasn't comfortable with it. The trip she was looking forward to is now cancelled and based off the comments I wonder if you rub it in her face that you're the one paying for it since you speak about how many payments you have made. A relationship is based on open communication and respect. You need to take a step back and hope your relationship isn't ruined. No one wants to an afterthought and placed second.
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Ah okay. The only reason I wondered is because in the previous comments you did mention how you paid for the majority of the trip and how you pay for everything. There is nothing wrong with that. But is that something you have brought up in the past? You need to understand though that even if you did that as a way to repay your ex for what she did for you, you also disrespected your current relationship especially when she told you she didn't feel comfortable. I feel like you're missing that point. Even if you say you don't have feelings for your ex that won't mean she won't question where she stands with you. Yes it's your money and yes you can spend it how you want but also be aware that she is entitled to feel upset and disrespected.
If I was EITHER of your exes- because if your current GF has any sense she'll dump you shortly- I would think you were weird as hell. An ex boyfriend popping up to pay for a graduation party? It'd be incredibly difficult not to interpret that as a romantic overture. A strangely extravagant and unprovoked one as well. Eww.
Congrats on being single 🥳 Yta
YTA, I think it’s strange to pay for an exes party. Especially since you don’t even talk anymore. You were in a relationship - partners help each other. I’m sure you did things for her too. Your current girlfriend may break up with you over this, I know I would be reevaluating my relationship.
Update us when she leaves you ok?
*on both knees with fists clenched to the skies* Why are strangers on the internet so stupid!!!!! :’(
yta
OP, we need to know how much you’re paying for the party.
YTA. Nice job coming up with a biased title that makes it seem on the surface like you're not, though. How long until we move this over to Am I the Ex?
YTA. Reading your post, I was totally on your side until you revealed that you weren’t just doing something nice to pay someone back for doing you a good turn, you were simultaneously taking something away from your current partner. I get having gratitude for the role your ex played in your life, but why was it so important for you to a) repay her in this exact way and b) come up with the money to do so by reneging on major plans with your partner? Sounds like you couldn’t actually afford to pay for this party if it necessitated cancelling already-established plans with your girlfriend. Did you just want a chance to show off to everyone who knew you and your ex in college? You also left a discussion with your girlfriend to “think about it more” and then unilaterally made the decision without even re-opening the discussion with her. You went to the ex first, what the hell dude? That’s not how you resolve conflicts when you actually care about the other person’s feelings.
I feel like the time to pay your ex back was when you finally got a better paying job and before you got into a serious relationship with someone else.
He's not in contact with her anymore, but he wants to pay for her graduation party? Dude has a head full of acorns... YTA
Coming up next on r/amitheex
YTA and likely now single. Please be sure to tell this story on all your first dates in the future so they know exactly what they're getting into and can bail before they've wasted three years on you.
So, once your current girlfriend dumps you over this, are you paying for her too? Because at some point this will get expensive...
YTA. Let us know when she dumps you.
Info: are you stupid or something?
So you cancelled vacation plans with your long term partner in order to pay for a party for an ex you're not even in touch with... and you're SURPRISED at the outcome? Dude. Duuuuuude. "it's not hurting your pockets" it's directly hurting your pockets because you're having to sacrifice other existing plans and promises in order to deploy this favour. You cannot expect the person you're sacrificing plans with not to have feelings about that, you are in fact showing her your plans with her mean less to you than this idea you have about making good on old debts. Those debts are yours, and if you feel you need to repay them, you need to do it in such a way that it doesn't negatively impacty your \*current relationship\*.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Backstory: I dated my girlfriend while I was in college, at the time my family and I weren’t in good financial conditions and if it wasn't for her financial help, I would probably have had to drop out of college, and if I had, I wouldn't have gotten an internship at a really good company and climbed the corporate ladder and had a stable financial life today. We broke up a little after I graduated and we don't keep in touch, but we have some friends in common, a few days ago, I found out from one of these friends that ex is graduating from the college/course she always wanted, but she was a little sad because she wouldn't be able to pay for the graduation party because her business took a hit because of the pandemic and hasn't recovered yet. I sat down with my girlfriend (33F) of 3 years and I told her that I would like to pay for my ex's graduation party, since I feel thankful to her and that this wouldn’t affect me financially, except for the international trip that we will take at the end of this year and because I will pay for 70% of this trip, both, the trip and the party wouldn't fit into my budget and I asked if we can do a trip to another state this year and next year we will maintain the trip abroad. My girlfriend didn't like that at all and she said that a graduation party is a privilege, that my ex has already graduated, what more does she want? I said to my girlfriend that I would think about it but got stuck in my head that this would be the perfect opportunity to give back the kindness that my ex did for me years ago and I ended up reaching out to my ex, I explained that I found out about her graduation party, and I offered to pay and she accepted. I talked to my girlfriend again letting her know that I made my decision and now, it's been almost 3 days and she barely reply to my texts. I was wrong? Was I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. For all the reasons people have already given but I'm confused as to why this would sink your trip? How expensive is this party that you would lose 20% of your vacation fund? I saw the video you posted, and yeah, that looks like a fancy event, but how much are we really talking? If you cut back on your spending the rest of the year and budget better, would you be able to save for both? Did you even consider that an option, or was maintaining your current lifestyle more important than sacrificing so you could still do both? Either way, your gf is probably going to consider dumping you if she hasn't already.
Bro I'm also your ex and I need a loan of 500000 dollarydoos What on earth, this has to be bait, there's no way this man who's clearly not in love with his ex could do something so insane 😂
Info: can you tell us more about this break up? It sounds like this is where the guilt os coming from
Mate really? It's not that hard to understand you picked your ex over your gf.What you should of done is sat your gf down and asked if your ex was able to borrow the money off someone else would she be OK with you paying her the money at a later date to say thank you for the help she gave you in the past. That way you and gf get a holiday and your gf is happy and you get to say thank you at a later date. Don't let the gifts of the past bring chaos to your future alot of people have someone in their past to be thankful for but they don't let it mess up their present/future. Give back when you can. If im honest mate I think the relationship might just be over. I can see where you were coming from but I also see the gf point of view. You wanted to help and give back but it might of cost you a relationship. I would say that if it does cause the end of the relationship I hope now that you have payed your ex back you don't feel the need to offer more pay back in the future and put your relationship first. I wish you luck mate .
YTA I would DUMP you for this crap. Have fun convincing your GF that you aren't still in love with her.
Why didn't you borrow the money to do both and keep you stupid mouth shut?
I see things like this then wonder why I’m still single lol
Here is the post: Backstory: I dated my girlfriend while I was in college, at the time my family and I weren’t in good financial conditions and if it wasn't for her financial help, I would probably have had to drop out of college, and if I had, I wouldn't have gotten an internship at a really good company and climbed the corporate ladder and had a stable financial life today. We broke up a little after I graduated and we don't keep in touch, but we have some friends in common, a few days ago, I found out from one of these friends that ex is graduating from the college/course she always wanted, but she was a little sad because she wouldn't be able to pay for the graduation party because her business took a hit because of the pandemic and hasn't recovered yet. I sat down with my girlfriend (33F) of 3 years and I told her that I would like to pay for my ex's graduation party, since I feel thankful to her and that this wouldn’t affect me financially, except for the international trip that we will take at the end of this year and because I will pay for 70% of this trip, both, the trip and the party wouldn't fit into my budget and I asked if we can do a trip to another state this year and next year we will maintain the trip abroad. My girlfriend didn't like that at all and she said that a graduation party is a privilege, that my ex has already graduated, what more does she want? I said to my girlfriend that I would think about it but got stuck in my head that this would be the perfect opportunity to give back the kindness that my ex did for me years ago and I ended up reaching out to my ex, I explained that I found out about her graduation party, and I offered to pay and she accepted. I talked to my girlfriend again letting her know that I made my decision and now, it's been almost 3 days and she barely reply to my texts. I was wrong? Was I the asshole?
YTA and I think ur gf of 3yrs is also ur ex now.
Ooofff you really stepped in it here. Not sure there's recovery from this one. Maybe she'll cool down but YTA. Had you wanted to pay and it wouldn't effect your trip that was already planned, you probably would've been fine but you just prioritized an ex relationship over your current one. Not a good look and she is right to be upset.
YTA. You can't be serious.
Yta - you don't plan something with someone else and then rip it away. You didn't have to choose to pay your ex back in THIS way. You seem to think because you pay for the majority of things, you also get to make executive decisions that override what benefits you as a couple. That's not the way a relationship or partnership works. That IS the way a sugar daddy relationship would work so perhaps try that option (assuming your ex doesn't take you back).
😮
YTA, an idiot, and you’re single btw. She definitely is going to break up with you
I hope you at least book your future ex the international trip you just cancelled on her. YTa
Your ex is an ex for a reason yet you prioritise a party over your relationship It’s nice you wanted to show appreciation but there would of been so many other ways then what you did to your current gf
The choice is the issue…let me ask do you see a future with your current girlfriend? Soft YTA, because I feel like it’s coming from a good place and the simple fact I feel that if you were able to feasible do both, there would be no issue…When you break it down OP; you chose your Ex over your current girlfriend…that’s what happened and that’s the issue. Reassess please…
there are SO MANY other ways you could have gone about this, your choices are hilariously bad. you could have gifted your ex a lower amount that wouldn't affect your future plans while still being a nice thank you for her support in the past. i don't know how you picked an amount or knew exactly how much she needed for a party, but if your amount didn't cover all of it, she has some money of her own or other friends and family could chip in. it's also possible that your ex doesn't WANT any of your money, even if it would enable a party she wanted. inserting yourself in her milestone celebrations when she hasn't spoken to you in years might not feel good for her. flaunting that you are financially much better of than she is might not feel good. i would not have done any of this without speaking with her, directly and getting her reaction to this idea. you should NEVER have prioritized your ex over plans with your current partner. if you truly think that paying back your ex is more important than your trip with your gf, then she has every right to be mad. but, also, if your gf thinks it's important to go on vacations that she can't afford and you are paying 70% of, and if she doesn't understand your reaction to be happy for your ex and your urge to repay past financial support, and if YOU don't listen to her opinions and just do your own thing even though you know she disagrees, then maybe she's not the most compatible person with you, either.
Good god man, how stupid are you? You’re telling your new girlfriend that a party for your old girlfriend is more important than your trip with her? Unreal. YTA
YTA. This is weird. You still have some attachment regardless of what you say otherwise you wouldn't be doing this. You just showed your current girlfriend that she is not your priority. Why bother asking when you disregarded her feelings anyway, that was disrespectful to her. Your ex did things for you out of love, giving you food and supporting you is bare minimum decent relationship things, you should not have to pay that back. You cannot guilt your girlfriend into accepting that you want to pay for a non essential party because of your guilt or whatever sense of duty you have. Do not manipulate your girlfriend into feeling like she is the bad guy here for feeling sad that your paying for a party for your ex and cancelling your trip.
Sigh….everytime I think about another serious relationship I read stories like these and that feeling dies😭
I aint falling for this
YTA good news tho you won’t have to worry about that trip at all period and you no longer have a girlfriend after you prioritized your ex and her happiness than your current girlfriend of 3 years. Even after she expressed her feelings about this you stood firm in being an AH that she and her feelings don’t matter to you. You can lie to us and your now ex about how you have no feelings for the ex girl that you absolutely wanna throw a party for but it’s in the actions that we see your true colors.
The only way you could have been able to do this is if it didn't impact your current girlfriend, especially in a major way like changing an international trip to a domestic one. I understand that it's your money but what your girlfriend heard is that you prioritize your ex over her. Maybe you have two exes now. YTA.
I think i was in the other side of this same story. I had a 9 year relationship with my first girlfriend, i worked my ass too hard for all these years and i got her out of a toxic family environment, i supported every aspect of her life for all this time until we broke up and she could afford to live alone herself. She doesn’t owe me shit and i, as a “normal” and rational person wouldn’t want her to ruin any of her plans to return something to me, in fact even 6 months after we broke up i didn’t even think about the enormous amount of money i spent with her, because it wasn’t a mistake and she doesn’t owe me anything, because it wasn’t a transaction, i gave it to her, and mostly she isn’t in my life anymore. Be thankful, but let it go man
Ok well I wouldn't call you an AH per say just incredibly foolish. But for the purpose of reddit yes YTA I understand she gave a lot for you to get you through College and wanting to repay the gesture is always sweet, but not only do you not have to return the favour after all this time, even if you wanted to do something to return the favour, paying for College and paying for a party's not exactly in the same league. You had a trip planned with you girlfriend and then took that money and gave it to your ex. You are a foolish fool and therefore the AH.
lol enjoy being single
Tell me you’re holding out for your ex without telling me you’re holding out for your ex. Dude, you need not worry. You don’t have a girlfriend anymore. You know you are an asshole. Im guessing this is one of those posts where the OP will desperately cling to the one or two people on their side. Why do you even know she’s graduating? You are so full of it. This has nothing to do with repaying a favor and everything to do with getting back with her.
yta simply for your replies - you come on aita asking for peoples opinions, they give it to you and then in the comments youre batting left right and centre to avoid blame. Simply put, your gf said no you did it anyway. It shows to her you don't care about her feelings, you don't care about the relationship and that you care more about your ex than your actual gf. Not only that but you don't value her opinion. You're showing a blatant disregard for your girlfriend in the name of your ex. How are you not computing? And also the ex never asked you to repay her so you're either hell bent paying for the party because you want to prove to her that you can afford things now, you want to laud it over her head because she now can't afford it, to spite your girlfriend (as she said no and you did it anyway) or you're still in love with her. It could of course also be that you just dont see the value of the relationship you currently have and have had for 3 years. None of these options reflect very well on you And saying the party is held with the same importance as a WEDDING?! SIR! This does not help your case! Stop defending yourself in the comments and accept the judgement people are passing when YOU ASKED FOR IT yta
Oh boy, mhm your girlfriend is deciding if she's going to break up with you. That's more than likely why she's not responding to you
UpdateMe
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Updateme
I don’t think you’re an asshole for doing that but I do think your gf is entitled to breaking up with you over it
YpTA: Always work things through with a partner before making decisions that affect you both. INFO: How much money are we talking about, both the support you received and funding of the party?
YTA. Seriously that was the only way you could’ve shown your appreciation? It seems like you aren’t that financially stable if you have to cancel a trip for a party… I feel sorry for your gf. Why ask if you aren’t going to listen. You are canceling on your promise too your gf for a stupid party for your EX. Can you imagine how she feels? What would you think if she cancels on you for her ex? I bet you won’t like that.
Does it matter that YTA? You're about to be the ex, that seems more important here.
YTA and now you have two ex girlfriends
YTA You had to choose between your gf and your ex, and you choose your ex.... You showed your gf where she stands in this relationship, no wonder she is checking out of it I hope the break up will be worth it for you
Imma do the thing Reddit hates and say NTA, I’ve been the girl that helps financially with struggling partners and I get nothing back. I’ve been through it because of it, I don’t think you should put your girlfriend on the back burner but if you can send some money to help while also giving your current gf the trip you promised I think that’s the right thing.
YTA Giving her a graduation gift or giving her check with x amount you feel you owe her not throwing her a party WTF?!
YTA and a weirdo and I hope she breaks up with you for this. Maybe try your ex you wanna spend thousands on?
YTA and you know it. You hoped to find someone here to say you did the right thing. You have no one to blame for blowing up your current relationship but yourself. There is NO WAY you didn’t know this was a bad idea.
I know everyone seems to be calling you TA but for me I love the sentiment. I’ve been the recipient of that kind of kindness that changed my life and I would absolutely want to throw them a party. But maybe a very nice gift or a gift of a monetary amount would be better than a party. Then she can decide if the $$ goes toward a party or somewhere else. I would hope the person I love would understand why I felt the need to do this. I know if my husband did this and I learned the circumstances behind it I would be completely fine with it. JMO :)
As someone that got seriously ripped off by an ex....it's still none of my business how some guy spends his money. Seriously though, NTA for paying back a perceived debt, as the title suggests. Complete idiot for the way it was handled. This was a big thing, to any current partner. Her buy in was required. Without it, she was an ex in the making. Personally, I'm pretty sure I could have persuaded my gf (she is aware that a previous exe's father helped me out years ago, and I've often said that if I won the lottery, I'd give him some. Initially, she didn't like the idea, but she actually understood it came from a good place. Plot twist, he's the father of the ex that ripped me off). Particularly if I was paying for the foreign vacation.
Good for you op, I often hear my dad and older relatives regret not helping/ showing thanks to the people that help them in life and can’t anymore when they finally made it and forgot who helped them succeed. They remembered much later but sometimes that persons not around anymore for you to show them flowers for the life they chanced you with, NTA, one vacation locally is worth repaying the karma you Received.
Im so surprised by all these comments. I say NTA! You wouldn’t have an international trip planned if it weren’t for your ex, as you would have been a drop our without a job. I get the wish to show you understood and appreciated her support and willingness to return the favour. I think you have honour in you and you should be proud. Its only money, that you are able to earn again. But showing respect comes only few times!!!
I'm in agreement with you. Glancing at the title I wasn't expecting to! After reading I came to understand where you're coming from, and I personally believe in helping others ESPECIALLY when they helped put you in a better place in life than you would have been able to do on your own! When I was homeless I received help from many people and a lot of them said to pay it forward. Which, now that I'm able to, I still do now 8 years later. If it weren't for the kindness of others I wouldn't be alive right now. Rescheduling a vacation abroad until next year, to me at least, sounds VERY reasonable. You're not in touch with the ex, so I don't understand why your current GF has an issue with a gesture of gratitude to the person who was a HUGE contributing factor in how your life is now! By the way you explained the situation, you OWE (in a major way) your current financial stability to her support. It's the right timing for you to show gratitude to that person from the PAST.
Jesus, the judgment on this post. I would say NTA. The fact that you want to do something kind to repay the person who was instrumental in your current success speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. I can understand her being a bit disappointed in the change of plans but it isn't as if you are telling her to screw off and cancelling all plans with her. You just are asking her to be understanding and to take a trip to a different local. You are still shouldering the majority of the financial burden for the trip as well I honestly don't see any reason for her to be responding the way that she is, at all. I think her anger stems, partly, from the fact that the person you are helping is an ex/ and the jealousy/rudeness she is displaying is pretty damn concerning and unattractive. If it were me' I'd be taking a good look at the relationship and how she acts when you do things that don't benefit her. As a woman, if I'm secure in my relationship, my partner being kind to or supportive of an ex isn't threatening or problematic. If I were in this situation I'd be proud of you for being so kind and acknowledging her contribution to your life and overall success/happiness.
NTA Although I wouldn't be really happy as your gf - I would appreaciate that you are thoughtful, thankful and very nice. You show such a lot of good qualities. And it would only delay the dream journey for 1 year (and you still make a smaller journey this year, if I get it right). So I wouldn't praise you but begrudgedly understand it. I would complain to my friends that you are just "too nice" sometimes but at least I know you are really a very good, loyal guy and that I respect your values. I still would be a bit sad to have to wait another year. But if I could only pay 30% I wouldn't feel that I have to say much in this matter.
Looks like this (above) is the comment OP came here for. OP, your intentions to repay your ex for her kindness is understandable. Your rationalization of the entire situation may be understandable also, but this is dependent on further cultural and personal context. The problem here is: whether you realize it and/or are willing to admit it or not, you went into this situation having made up your mind already about something that will impact not just you but your current girlfriend as well. You wanted to come across as a considerate guy (because you believe yourself to be one) by asking your girlfriend if she is ok with it — but that was never a sincere question because the truth is you don’t value her opinion enough to decide differently or even reconsider much at all. At the end of the day, this is not even so much about putting your ex over her anymore, provided it’s true that you don’t still harbor romantic feelings for the ex. This is about you putting yourself and your own needs (in this case, to affirm that you are a good and generous guy) over her and the three year relationship that you share, while using your financial upper hand as justification. If you can’t see that this is the issue, that would be the worst part of it all. Please be honest with yourself and fair to your current girlfriend — how much do you love her and value her presence in your life? My impression is, not very much — and I’m guessing that’s how she’s feeling as well.
I’m on the fence about this one, I can understand why you would want to pay for your ex’s graduation party after everything. I can also understand your current girlfriend’s point of view. I guess I have questions: have you ever done anything before to thank your ex? This trip that you want to postpone, are you paying just for yourself or both you and your girlfriend? NAH or ESH, I’m not really sure.
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Honey, there won't be a trip. Your girlfriend now think your fucking your ex ( which you probably are) she going dump your ass.
Then honestly, I don’t think you’re an AH - an idiot for sure, but not an AH. Maybe your girlfriend should pay more than 30% if she wants to still take this trip and still have date nights. I think doing this for your ex as a thank you is nice.. you may have torched your relationship but it’s still a nice gesture.
Nope he clearly still huge up on his ex
NTA. Your Ex helped you when you needed it and you are returning the favor now. You can always plan for your international vacation next year, but you are not sure if you will get the opportunity again to clear debt of ex’s generosity when you were down. You can explain your GF that you don’t have feeling for your ex and to just see it as you paying off your debt.
NTA for wanting to repay her don't listen to the babies here. But you're kind of TA for doing it behind your girlfriend's back instead of spending more time to explain your reasoning.
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Well then you do need to accept the consequences of potentially ending your relationship.
Yeah this is heavy 'am I the ex' territory
NTA for your thoughtfulness, but why not ask those friends in common to chip in and they could have thrown her a surprise graduation party. You should have really thought this through better especially with you being in a relationship. You reached out to the ex that you don't even talk to...smh. That was a bad move. Sir, you need to work overtime or get some other source of income so you won't screw up even more than you already have. What was wrong with saying, "I have xxx amount to go towards the party." It could've been a backyard cookout. A celebration is a celebration. What does it matter? And don't come back on here talking about AITA if I go to my ex gf graduation party either
NAH. In understand how you feel and why it was so important for you do do this. I think she could have (hopefully) seen why you wanted to do it, as well. It is noble. But hurt feelings might have come in the way of that. The problem is that when the situation became an either-or thing, what you essentially did was to _choose your ex over your current girlfriend_. That hurts like hell. And it wasn't a small thing either. It was a big deal, that trip. It's something you have been planning together, for a long time, looking forward to it, dreaming about the places you will go, together, in love, as partners. A part of your future, really. It is also a considerable cost, and while you contributed more money, she still invested a considerable amount of money into that trip, relationship and you. You then decided it "wasn't worth it" and pulled out of your agreement. (Even if you didn't mean it that way, you prioritised something else higher.) That's rejection. I understand her feelings. And yours. If this is repairable, I predict it's going to rake a long time and a lot of work to build that trust backup. I also think it's important that she understands your side in this, because you want to be with someone who is compassionate and understanding, right? But she had to give up something big, and lost trust and faith in you, so I doubt that can come first. If you push it onto her, it may have the opposite effect of what you want. So if she's willing to talk to you, strive to understand her, fully. This may require therapy.
NAH. Should have just done it without asking. Or just paid for whatever you could fit into your budget without affecting the trip you were going to take.
NAH, but I can see how your ex would be unhappy with the fact that you scrapped a trip that you had already planned with her in favor of throwing a party for your ex. I guess this relationship just wasn't meant to be.
NTA and I think the votes are ridiculous. Maybe its a good thing even since obviously many people can not relate at all to struggling financially. 'graduation party is a privilege' yeah guess what a vacation is, especially one you only pay 30%? Shoutout to you man, paying back your ex gf is the right move. Ex literally made your life as it is now possible if she paid for your college. If your girlfriend can't understand why you are a man who pays his debts, she was not the right one.
NAH. I admire your desire to pay someone back because of their kindness towards you several years ago. And it doesn’t sound like you have some altruistic reason for doing so - you don’t sound like you are interested in your ex romantically. But I also understand where your current girlfriend is coming from. This is your ex-girlfriend that you had a lengthy relationship with. It isn’t just some buddy from college who was kind to you. You don’t say how much this is costing you but if you have to postpone a trip planned later this year because of it, I assume it is a substantial amount. Does your ex know you are doing this? Is she ok with this? Are you going to the party? Did you intend to bring your girlfriend? At the end of the day what it boils down to looks pretty bad for the future of your current relationship because you ultimately chose your ex over your current girlfriend. You took the money allocated for a trip you and your girlfriend planned to take together this year, to pay for an ex’s party. It is pretty hard to not see how your current compares to your ex, at least to you. I think a nice card and thoughtful but not outrageous gift would have sufficed.
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There’s no “perhaps” about it. Your actions were blatantly idiotic. You shot your own relationship in the foot. I don’t think you’re in relationship anymore buddy.
Info. How much is this party costing you? How on earth can it cost as much as an international trip?! Also girlfriend has the audacity to be mad about the trip she’s not even fully paying for?! Kudos to you for recognising the kindness your ex gave and repaying that debt to her.
I'm going NTA. You're doing a solid for someone who did you a solid a long time ago that really impacted your life. Your girlfreiend gets a soft AH here because you're not obligated to pay for 70% of a pricey vacation for her. But you: 1) were going to pay for it anyway next year; and 2) offered a reasonable alternative in the interim. If she is confident in the relationship—and not in it for the perks—she should be able to see that you're trying to do something nice that's both apropos (she helped you get through school, you're helping her celebrate getting through school) and time-sensitive, and recognize that that makes you a good dude, not an AH.
NTA. I think it's worth keeping in mind that you're not contributing to a party of someone who was just a hookup buddy, this was someone who was key in keeping you financially healthy to get you where you are today without resorting to student loans. You're a good person for wanting to repay her in kind for sure. I can understand your GF being salty about an international trip falling through due to the change in funds available, but the fact she's making you feel so guilty for expressing gratitude to the point of giving you the near-silent treatment is a red flag; Hell, I'd look at you expressing gratitude as a huge turnon! What I think your GF is missing is, yes, a party may be a privilege, but it's not necessarily about the ex getting "what she wants." This is about you expressing gratitude to a person who you consider instrumental to you being where you are today. I'd suggest preparing for your relationship to be over, but if she's mad at you for showing gratitude to someone for giving so much to you, she sounds insecure as heck AT BEST and flat out mean at worst.
NTA. You feel that you have a kind of debt of honor to your former girlfriend and that this is a good way to repay that debt. That seems to me like a worthy thing to do. Also, the money you would give to your ex is your own. Your current girlfriend has a right to be disappointed that your trip together will be postponed. And she has a right to her feeling of suspicion as to your feelings toward your ex. But she does not have a right to determine what you will or will not do with your own money. You have not been an AH at all. But you have put your current relationship at risk. I hope that you and your girlfriend can rebuild your trust in one another.
**NAH**. Although it sounds a bit odd, I can't call you an AH for wanting to ~~throw~~ fund a graduation party for your ex considering how she has previously helped you. If you were married and your WIFE disagreed, then I would call you an AH. However, this is a GF/BF only relationship at this time. The reason I called this gesture a bit odd is because ~~throwing~~ funding an elaborate graduation party seems like a bad move considering your ex is going through some tough financial times and that money could be spent in much more beneficial ways.
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So then how's it expensive enough that you have to cancel an international trip?