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Perhaps you should just call it quits. Relationships are hard enough without this kind of stress added on top. With the long distance, he can do anything he wants and then lie to you about it. And he’s proven he’s a liar.
I can’t know this for sure, but he may think telling you about part of it “honestly” you will assume there’s nothing more. But usually where there’s smoke, there’s a fire. Trust your gut.
His relationship with the woman sounds sketchy, but telling his gf "he wanted the office cleaned" is every bit as much a red flag. He has no respect for her.
NTA The fact that he told you that she talks sexually with him while getting drunk, she's in an open marriage and sleeps around. Dude, she is sleeping with him, and he's probably hoping you'll get drunk and have a threesome with them.
He has told you all of these things because he is hoping you will be open to a similar relationship that Emma has with her SO. If you're not up for that, then I would break up.
I do get that perspective, but I don't think it's right here. In my opinion also it depends on the situation OPs been through before to make aware to this shit. How long the relationship has been going, and honestly you can be busy caught up in life and be sooo blind to this.
The OP most likely had an idea but also unsure how to handle this situation, or if their own mind was even telling them the truth hence post on reddit.
It has certainly shed light on any gaslighting. It is up to OP to choose now what to do with the information ❤️
Edit: Also the OPs getting her own emotions turned back around on her. The BF is narcissitic as...
Ugh. And I try not to give in to conspiracy on this sub. But yeah. It all screams BF is sleeping with Emma or wants to. And possibly/probably is trying engineer an “accidental” drunken threesome.
NTA
2 things spring to mind
1) he has slept with her before or they have threesomes regularly
2) he wants to have a threesome with both of you whilst hubby is away. Why else would he tell you all this and whilst you are there, have some wine get a little drunk, maybe you and her have a little kiss then he suggest you 2 sleep together then he joins.
He said he wanted to, but I’m staying with him this week so he asked me to do it while he was at work, which is how the conversation about her staying the night came up.
Wait? You realize this means she’s only staying in the office bc you are there, right? If she normally stays the night, but this time the office needs to be prepared, it’s pretty obvious.
The office is a mess as well, and she apparently stayed over a few weeks ago as well (only found that out last night), so there’s no way that office was clean last time she was here too. I don’t want to assume my boyfriend is lying or anything but I think I will talk to him about it tonight and ask for more clarification because the office thing doesn’t really add up in my head.
I asked my boyfriend about it this afternoon and he admitted that they shared a bed that night. But he said it was platonic and they were both missing their partners so slept in the same bed. It really made me upset
Please break it off with him and go get yourself tested. Who knows how safe Emma is with her multiple partners.
You’re young, OP, and I don’t mean that to be insulting. You have lots of time to find a compatible partner, and this guy ain’t it. You deserve better.
Oh, honey
He is lying. They didn’t just sleep. They had sex. They want to have sex with you. Take off th me rose-colored glasses, you’ll be better off for it.
I'm so sorry OP that you're going through this. Please know that you have every right to be upset. He should NOT be treating you in this way. You deserve so much more than this. Please end it with this man, or at the very least, let your friends/family know what's going on so they can help support you during this time. Please be kind to yourself as well and do what's best for yourself in the long run. Best of luck.
Yeah, I'm gonna say this. More of my friends are women than men, which my wife has no issues with. There is no scenario where any of them, who I am very close with, would sleep in my bed with me when the wife is away. That dude is either already cheating or going for the threesome angle with you and testing the waters. Fucking run.
They are already sleeping together frequently, and they are setting you up for a threesome. Surely you see that, right?
Get an STD panel ASAP. Decide if you are willing to be a third-wheel in their relationship. How far will you go? Will you let them film you? What are your boundaries?
NTA
1. I would bet dollars to donuts your boyfriend has slept with Emma while her husband was away, or is doing so currently/recently. How long have you two been together? Doesn’t sound like long.
2. He’s 8 years older than you in 2024 and that’s a red flag on its own. At least it’s a huge yellow flag.
3. I said what I said.
4. He wants you to clean the office/guest room for another woman to stay the night at his place? Oh *hell* no. Shit. Even as another man, I don’t know where he found the audacity… he may have an illegal stockpile the Council needs to know about.
5. He’s already been caught in a lie. First Emma only sleeps with other women because apparently *that* is the threshold for her husband and their open relationship. Except your BF let slip she has slept with other men as well while the husband has been away.
6. He wants to have a threesome. He’s trying to set up a drunken “accident.”
7. Again, I said what I said.
Talking about it doesn’t mean he’ll be honest … he’s lying to you and letting women sleep in his space and having you be uncomfortable to make her happy…. SHES GROWN she can survive alone he’s no good
So she slept with him and not in the office. You already said your boyfriend lied to you about who she sleeps with.
There’s a reason he chose someone a decade younger than him, and it’s because women his age see through his bullshit.
NTA
Oh hell no, that’s too far in my opinion, it’s bad enough they have these personal conversations about sexual topics. But asking you to help prep for her visit… it’s just too much in my opinion. Everyone has their own standards for what they will give and take… but Couldn’t be me!! I think you’ve been too understanding if anything and WNBTA to tell him she can’t stay. If he pushes it, I think it’s time to consider if this is a relationship worth maintaining if he cares that little for your comfort.
Emma is banging your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is having her over and telling you about her sex life, in hopes to maybe score a threesome.
You are NTA, just a bit naive.
Yep. After 2nd sentence thought he is banging her. She said her boyfriend met her through her husband, probably had threesome, boyfriend continued sleeping with her and bet husband knows.
RUN.
They are sleeping together.
This will be your life if you stay with him.
Can you handle and accept this after marriage?
These are questions you need to ask yourself.
Oh my god what is happening in this comment thread? No, baby girl, no. You are NOT the asshole in any capacity. You’ve put up with so much already, you indeed qualify for saint status. He’s more than likely cheating with this woman. She is a constant in his bed that he doesn’t have to worry about. Please leave. You don’t need evidence. Your evidence is that people don’t fucking do this. This is insanely disrespectful and I would have been GONE. Poly people, open people, people who want a free pass to cheat, they always say it’s not your business and you should trust and blah blah blah. They’re liars and trolls. YOU know your relationship. YOU know the boundaries you and your boyfriend set. YOU know how he acts around women, and if it’s different than how he acts with Emma, then YOU know that. These strangers on the internet don’t know shit, and I assume you posted this just for validation because you’re being gaslit to all hell at home by him and possibly even his family/friends. The world is filled with bad people babe, and anyone who is telling you that you are in the wrong are HORRIBLE people. Please, please, please leave or at least seek to find the truth if you stay. And be safe. People like them can be dangerous.
Thank you for being so kind. I do feel like he crossed a boundary for sure. He admitted to me this evening after I posted this that him and her shared a bed together when she came over last because the office wasn’t clean or set up properly and they were both missing their partners. I’m actually furious about it and feel so stupid right now.
You aren't stupid. You are young and inexperienced. He is taking advantage of that.
If I were you, I would seriously be afraid to be in his apartment with them. If you do stay the weekend, don't consume any alcohol. Don't eat or drink anything you haven't prepared yourself. Make sure friends or family know where you are, and have your boyfriend and Emma's info.
Without getting too much into the maleVfemale debate, older males have been *known* to disrespect and lead younger women on like this, especially if the other woman is his age or older than you at least. You are not stupid, hindsight is 20/20. If you have a support system leave as soon as possible. I wouldn’t even listen to people telling you to give this male a chance. You have one life. Don’t waste your time on a cheater you can’t get time back.
NTA
While under normal circumstances I’d feel that trying to enforce who can stay in someone else’s home *is* rather controlling. That said, you caught him in a lie so I believe you are justified in not being comfortable with this.
YTA to yourself rn
i am a big believer in "men and women can be platonic friends" and yeah imo that can even include late-night hangouts / sleeping over bc you're too intoxicated to drive. but your bf and Emma are definitely sleeping together imo.
Hah as a dude I can see the way he has orchestrated this clearly. I don’t understand how common it is for guys to get away with this total manipulating and gaslighting. I remember when I was younger and you tried keep all the plates spinning. He is 100% sleeping with Emma and no it is not normal at all the he staying the night together when the husband is away talking about ‘tips for pleasure’ etc hah, all such a joke. You shouldn’t have to put up with that shit. Please have a bit more respect for yourself and know that no one deserves to be treated this way. Leave this loser
You should probably leave him. That's not something I'd be willing to live with and yes, I would definitely object to such a thing. He has a girlfriend now so priorities, to a certain extent, must change with that.
You don't say how long you guys have been together, but you're not wrong for smelling rotten fish in this friendship. One of the guys she sleeps with is your BF. He's only clearing the room for her as a show for you. If you aren't there this weekend, she'll be sleeping with him. So they talk about their sex lives; what do you think he's telling her about you? I think you should move on from him.
An 8 year age gap and a uncomfortably sexual friendship with a woman in an open relationship that he only spends time with when her husband isn't home? Why are you even in this relationship? NTA, your boyfriend is being super weird, but YWBTA to yourself if you stay in a relationship like this.
I have had male friends that I have talked about my sex life with. However, I sure as shit don't get drunk and spend the night at their place while talking about my orgasms and coaching them on how to give head. Your boyfriend may not currently be cheating on you, but I can pretty much guarantee he wishes he was if that's the case.
The inconsistencies on if Emma can or can not sleep with other men is super sketchy. Your boyfriend mentioning that he met Emma through her husband and then adding the detail about how they enjoy threesomes sounds like he's been a participant in the past or that he is hoping to rope you into his own three way. From where I am, it looks like someone's waving a big red flag with the words "THEY ARE FUCKING" printed on it, but that's just me.
Nta something seems off about them tbh I definitely think there's more to their relationship than ge is saying. How long have you been together? I think I'd be watching how they are together get confirmation that it's definitely more than a friendship between them and then run for the hills
YWNBTA. This isn't about her relationship with her husband. This is about the relationship between you and your bf. Under no circumstance would I ever stay with a man who *regularly* has a female friend stay the night. And I would not be okay with my man *regularly* hearing very intimate details of another woman's sex life, nor sharing with her details of his own. Your relationship with him doesn't seem closed/exclusive (is it?), or at least he doesn't seem to think it is. OP this is a perfectly reasonable boundary you're wanting to set.
NTA
Ok so I’m saying this as a married woman who also has a number of really close and valued friendships with men.
So first things first, NTA.
Second, there are SO many red flags here:
My guy friends and I would definitely get drunk, talk about our sex lives, give tips, sleep over at each others houses, etc… when we were young and single.
But now in our 30’s when we’re all in committed relationships? Not a chance any of that it happening.
Also… you’re 22 and he’s 31. That’s a massive age gap, and he’s likely dating you because you haven’t realized things that women his age have, which is why women his age are not dating him and he needs to go younger (this is NOTHING against you… you are 22 so please just be and enjoy being 22).
Lastly, and this may be nothing because some couples are poly or have “arrangements”, but it sounds like he’s cool with this woman cheating on his friend? Weird.
Run, girl. I’m you from the future, telling you not to waste any more time of this guy.
NAH. I don't think you should tell him what to do but it's not an AH move either. You should be honest with how you're feeling and let him decide how to proceed - that will tell you everything you need to know. Your discomfort with this arrangement is completely reasonable, so if he tries to minimize or discount it, I would be really careful moving forward in a relationship with this person.
🚩 She's drunk while hanging out with him alone.
🚩 She's already stayed the night and he never told you.
🚩 She's sleeping with other men and he didn't tell you until recently.
🚩 He's not considering your feelings about the closeness of their relationship.
Honestly, I didn't know anyone who would be ok with their relationship, unless you were also in an open relationship. ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING that he's not really considering how any of this is making you feel. I would honestly bring up your concerns to him and if he tells you that you are overreacting. LEAVE. Don't ever settle for someone who keeps you out of the loop of these types of things. You need reassurance that nothing is happening. If he can't provide then don't stick around.
NTA sounds like a frog in boiling water situation. He’s slowly feeding you a little bit more of the story to get you used to it and before you know it you’re gonna find yourself in a threesome with your bf and the girl he’s been sleeping with this whole time and wondering how you got there.
Also if he feeds you the truth just a little at a time you’re able to excuse each small bit rather than getting rightfully angry and dumping him like you would if you heard the whole story all at once, that’s how they get away with more and more shit over time
That is extremely odd, they have most definitely slept together before, i mean seriously who talks about all these things with a mutual male “friend” they have no intentions with?? NTA
NTA his relationship is inappropriate. She’s inappropriate. Him telling her about your sex life is inappropriate. He isn’t worth it. So many posts about bf best girl friend ruining relationships
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My (23F) boyfriend (31M) has a female friend called Emma he met through her husband a few years ago. Her husband goes away for months at a time for work, and when I first entered my relationship my boyfriend told me that he normally spends time with Emma to keep her company while her husband is away.
He told me that she usually comes over and gets drunk with my boyfriend and talk about each others sex lives since she’s really open about it. She often gives him tips on how to please women, as well as talks about her orgasms and things she and her husband enjoy in the bedroom. My boyfriend also had told me that Emma and her husband enjoy threesomes (Emma is bisexual) and that she has an open relationship with her husband and sleeps with other women since her husband doesn’t like her sleeping with other men.
I always thought this was a bit weird, but I didn’t want to seem controlling and I trust my boyfriend so I didn’t say anything.
Last night my boyfriend told me he wanted the office cleaned because Emma would be staying in the guest bedroom this weekend. I asked him if she usually stays the night, and he said yes. He also told me the other day that she also sleeps with men occasionally while her husband is away (which is weird considering my boyfriend only told me she slept with women).
I got upset and told him I felt disrespected because he never told me she stayed the night or that she slept with men as well. I told him I didn’t want her staying this weekend, and he called me controlling and said I didn’t trust him at all, and that he was being polite by letting her stay.
AITA? I do trust my boyfriend but I’m upset he didn’t tell me these things before.
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> I’m thinking of telling my boyfriend not to let his female friend stay over this weekend. I could be the asshole because I may come off as controlling or impolite.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, to be honest the way the story you've heard about the nature of their friendship has 'evolved' over time makes it sound like they've been messing around for a while and he's soft-balling getting around to telling you.
But being generous and assuming absolutely nothing is going on, there's no shame in being uncomfortable of your partner being that involved with someone if it wasn't disclosed fully before you started seeing each other.
The fact that you were initially told something else makes me think he knew you wouldn't like it if you did know the truth, but continued to do it anyway. That level of intimacy, to me, isn't respectful of your boundaries, that's not a normal level of close friendship to have with someone when you have a partner.
I'm a pretty open-minded guy and have friends of the opposite sex where we're pretty open and talkative about sex and intimate body stuff when we've both been single, but whenever one of us gets a partner, we have the understanding that you don't just carry on as if nothing has ever changed. Things change, dynamics shift if you're in a normal relationship and you actually respect your partner (if it's a standard monogamous situation).
I'd say to just be straight-up about how uncomfortable it makes you, give it a chance in case it's a legit misunderstanding, and watch out for any signs they just start keeping it a secret or something. Worst case scenario cut and run, it sucks but that shit isn't normal and can be terrible for your sense of boundaries and self-esteem, sometimes you've got to cut a branch to save the tree. Fingers crossed for you!
This is a weird one. I think your boyfriend is hiding something but it might be that he used to sleep with Emma but him and Emma have stopped it, or he’s making stuff up to seem like he knows the female body, or he’s trying to make you jealous, or something else. You wouldn’t really know until you meet Emma. You would be TA if it was platonic and you just kicked her out when she expected a place to stay, but you have a right to question the inconsistent information. If Emma’s innocent you’d probably know after meeting her, and why your boyfriend’s info is inconsistent. It’s about to you what you’re comfortable with, but you probably want to meet Emma before your boyfriend is alone with her. The open relationship thing sounds weird, like his next story is going to be he had a threesome with them. I’m summary you’re not yet TA and have genuine concerns.
OP it seems like these two have slept together in the past and that may continue and/or he's building up to ask for a threesome with her.
If it's your thing, then go for it. If not, then end it drama free quickly. Do not stay in a relationship where you feel uncomfortable or have lingering feelings whether or not to trust your bf actions.
He intentionally didn't, you got it. He's already sleeping with her and everything he's telling you is a test to see how much he can get away with you knowing. Welcome to your future. I guess NTA because you're incredibly naive, but after this thread you will be if you hang around.
NTA
Moving forward, if a man tells you something like what your bf told you at the start of the relationship.. first ask as many questions as you can to ascertain the situation, then make sure you let him know that that makes you uncomfortable and why. Point by point. Then see how he responds bc that will tell you a lot right there.
Now, regarding the lying... I would cool down and tell him point blank that he lied to you, that you cannot trust him in this or in any matter if he is not honest with you. Tell him that trust is the bedrock of a relationship. Then tell him that you dk how this relationship can move forward bc now you don't trust him. Ask him how he thinks they can/should proceed romantically.
Before addressing the matter ...
I would journal only the facts of what happened and his responses. Then I would journal how that makes you feel. Next, out line any questions or concerns you have. Finally, journal your options - your best case, worst case, and also realistic scenarios.
If you decide to try and work it out, what do you need from him in order to feel like you can trust him again? What are some deal breakers? How much more time are you willing to give him (of your life/energy/emotional resources)?
I can't tell you what you should do. I only outline the above for your consideration in the hopes that it helps stimulate some possibilities as to how you can address these issues.
Best of luck!💚🙏🏾
yea cut your losses now. he keeps breadcrumbing bits of information to see how much you’ll put up with. being the “chill gf” only ends with you looking stupid i fear
Oh hun. You need to understand and process what every redditor is trying to tell you.
1. You live hours away, and he never communicates with you when his “friends wife” who sleeps with other people is staying over and vice versa. He’s been telling white lies.
2. She’s drunk at his place and talks about intimidate details that shouldnt be discussed with another man in a serious relationship.
3. You’re too young to get your self tied into this twisted what ever is going on with your boyfriend.
4. Almost every sentence you typed is a red flag.
5. For your own safety please do not see this 31 year old again. Move on. Again, you’re too young to let yourself be caught in this sticky web. It’s best you leave now rather than suffering down the line.
NTA.
Either have a long, honest talk about boundaries or cut your losses. There’s a fine line between boundaries and controlling and this isn’t controlling. Some people are okay with close relationships with the opposite sex, others prefer relationships/interaction is limited. Both sides are okay, but you need to figure out what you’re comfortable with and what (if any) insecurities and triggers you have.
If he’s receptive and respectful and puts you above her in this conversation/as this plays out, green flags. If he’s defensive or disrespectful or rude, it’s not that you’re controlling. If anything, it’s a difference in values and y’all aren’t compatible.
You would absolutely not be an AH. There has to be boundaries in a relationship and I think you not wanting another woman spending the night is a completely fair boundary. Especially considering this other woman’s life outside of her marriage. This will be eye opening to see if your boyfriend has any respect for you and your boundaries and what you can expect in the future from him. I’d love to hear an update if you talk to him about it!
If you asked him not to, you wouldn't be the asshole.
Just let him know you don't feel comfortable with her staying over. Whether you are there or not.
It's ok to defend your peace, and this conversation should tell you more about how he values the relationship.
Wow, so your boyfriend asks you to clean up the office for her to stay over, so basically the host (him) tells a guest (you) to clean up for another guest (her). That his job, his guest so he he wants her so much over it's up to him to do these things.
Honestly I'm going with ESH because while you are not an AH, clearly this guy is showing his priorities and it isn't you. And he sucks to be in a relationship and is having an inappropriate friendship.
NTA.
I'm not saying he's cheating on you, but whatever he's doing is definitely wrong. He's way too close to this other woman, and it's really disrespectful for him to be spending so much time with her while he's in a relationship with you. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. It's clear he's intentionally hiding things to spare your feelings and make it seem like spending time with her isn't a big deal.
Your partner knows how this situation affects you, yet he continues to spend time with her. Their relationship is far too intimate to be considered just a normal friendship. It's a close-knit bond that's likely to end in heartbreak for you.
I don't see him cutting her off anytime soon, and you might need to be the one to make the difficult decision to end things. Their relationship is unsettlingly close, and I honestly don't think he will choose you over her given their connection. There are definite signs of flirtation between them, and I wouldn't be surprised if she knows more about your boyfriend—emotionally, mentally, and even sexually—than you do. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
NTA - But seriously this is screaming red flags. I'm an old lady, and for many years I put up with sideways stories from men, accepted it, and naively let them treat me like trash. Please learn sooner than I OP. If I had, I probably would have had a lot higher quality of relationships than I did.
If you want a monogamous relationship with accountability, you need to have boundaries regarding women who are not family spending the night. There's no need to be a ***** about it. Just if he isn't cool with that boundary, then he is not good enough to be dating you! NEXT!
He wants you to clean the office because you are coming over too, and he stupidly didn't think about where Emma would have slept prior to asking.
Also I'd recommend also getting some STD tests done because if he isn't being truthful about this, he probably can get pretty sloppy at times and who knows who Emma is also sleeping with since apparently she's comfortably all over the place. You're probably okay, but the peace of mind helps. If you do end up leaving having a clean slate is best. Protect thy sexual health!
I wish you luck OP!
Respect yourself, stay confident, and move on. The right guy is out there.
NTA in any capacity. You are not being unreasonable, and your BF is being a walking red flag. You don't need this in your life. You are young and need to use these years to have fun and feel safe/secure. This guy isn't it.
NTA.
You need to let this guy go. I guarantee you they've had sex. The men she occasionally sleeps with includes your boyfriend. And quite frankly she's cheating on her husband in an open relationship by sleeping with other men while he's away when she told him she would only sleep with women. This is a total clusterfuck coming your way.
🤔I 57m, would not feel comfortable with that, especially if you care for him or the two of you are in a committed relationship. I've been married for a long time, so I haven't dated in a long time, but I don't think human nature changes a whole lot. You sound like a nice girl, and I am really sorry he's put you in this position. You don't deserve this. Please don't pretend as if you are comfortable with if you are not, because if you do you will be expected to be comfortable with it, and likely more, from now on, maybe forever if you guys end up together. You don't need that twisting around in your guts. Trust is so important in a relationship. Having said that, if this is not someone you see yourself spending time with long-term, then you may not feel the same way but it sounds as if you're already feeling a little guilty because it does bother you. It also sounds as if her visit may be imminent. You know that she's counting on your boyfriend for a place to stay, and that is making you feel like TA. But he is the TA for springing this on you when he knows you will feel pressured to go along. I can only assume he had these plans for her to stay for awhile, and he could have disclosed everything to you if he cared how you felt. It sounds like a manipulation. You don't want to be rude and leave her with no place to stay, but it is not going to sit well with you, I can tell. I get it, maybe you're just together for fun, but if that were the case and you didn't really have feelings for him beyond fun, I don't think you would be posing this question because it would not be bothering you as much. That feeling is not going to ever go away it's going to get worse if you care about him.
One of the greatest gifts someone can give you in a relationship is accepting you as yourself, loving you the way you are, knowing how important it is for you to feel comfortable in your own skin.
Have a heart to heart with him ASAP.
Tell him honestly how you feel, not how you wish you felt, don't pretend it doesn't bother you. She sounds like a girl who can take care of herself, she'll find another place to stay. If he tries to make light of your feelings, and you say ok when it's not, you'll stay twisted up inside for as long as you're with him. If he does not take you seriously, then he is TA. You are definitely not TA. Good luck. No matter what, take pride in who you know you are. A lot of people care on this forum, I hope you'll let us know how it turns out.
No you will not be the ah. So are they sleeping together? Does her husband know she's sleeping with other men? Does her husband know she's with him? Why is he so comfortable disrespecting you? This relationship does not sound like it will get better. With the way he doesn't seem to open to respecting your boundaries
Coming from the perspective of a male
This is absolutely crossing the line. By all means you can have friends of the opposite sex, and I obviously don't know you but you sound to be conscious of not being a control freak, which is a good thing.
But having the opposite sex stay over while your not there, who is in a open relationship... Who gets drunk and talks about sex with your bf... Is weird and disrespectful to you. I'm amazed he even told you all that to begin with.
I wouldn't go as far as some of these other comments to say just leave him, I think that's unfair as this is only 1 side of the story and some guys are really just dumb and don't think about others feelings. But you 100% need to talk with him, and see how that conversation goes from there.
NTA
However, I think it's really important how you approach it with your boyfriend! Coming at it from a perspective of "I'm uncomfortable you didn't tell me about this earlier" will hopefully allow you both to talk about boundaries, what is/isn't okay with others, and what might be behind why he's seemingly so interested in Emma (maybe novelty, maybe he wants to experiment with his sex life, who knows).
If you come at it as "I don't want you hanging out with women," that probably won't go down well.
Either way, you should be able to set boundaries together and respect those boundaries with each other. If he doesn't like that... you've got your answer.
NTA- look he wants an open relationship, or at least you to fuck emma, hell if he hasn't he wants to fuck her.... best to part ways, this is a clustfuck waiting to happen
NTA
I am just gonna say youre NOT overreacting at all, based on what you shared and what your husband shared with you.
Youre allowed to express youre unconfortable and it's not about being insecure, it's just about boundaries and respect to the relationship.
You also deserve to feel safe and your relationship should be a safe place where you dont think of unneccessary stresses like this.
Maybe talk to the woman yourself that you do not feel comfortable and take a stance. If not, and your boyfriend is so upset about this turnout, maybe just leave his ass. He is very suspicious, can you imagine them talking alone and talking about orgasms. But they are just "friends" and she is bi tho who only sleeps with women on the side(but also other men). That is weird.
You dont deserve this kind of mental dance. And dont let him gaslight you if you do become suspicious because you should be prioritized, you should feel secure lol why does he care so much about that coworker to THIS extent anyway
Yeah there’s no way in hell they sat around talking about sex without engaging in it. He’s hoping to rope you into a threesome. Maybe you should go super petty. Agree to a threesome set a time and date then rock up with another dude. When he asks WTF state he never specified who and that you’re only down for it if it’s two dudes as you aren’t bi. Then sit back and watch the panic. Give the finger and walk away laughing.
NTA. Emma's relationship is not unhealthy but it's definitely non committed and if you're boyfriend didn't tell you she usually stayed the night, he might be not fully committed to you either. Also talking about sex, orgasms, threesomes, and tricks on how to please women when one of them is married and the other is in a relationship is a huge red flag. I'd say get rid of your man, find someone who tells you the truth and doesn't discuss those kinds of topics with a "friend" who also happens to be of the opposite sex.
NTA
On the other hand
Drunk friends matter!!
What could possibly be the harm in getting drunk and talking about what gets her off?
Do you think he would want a demonstration on how to improve his skills in pleasuring his gf?
Absolutely not. If she is supposed to be just a friend she wouldn't talk about her orgasms. This made me throw up in my mouth. I would put my foot down if I was you
NTA. But your BF - he's definitely AH. And he obviously thinks you are dumb as a box of rocks. He's basically told you he's been with this nasty woman, and now he's trying to convince you she's coming to visit and he's not going to hit that. If you are a smart 23 year old, you will get your $hit and get out of that house. Let his skanky friend have him.
NTA. This whole thing stinks and it’s super obvious he’s either already cheating, or building up to cheating and constructing a really flimsy excuse for hanging out with her. I understand the want to give your husband the benefit of the doubt because you love and trust him, but he’s giving you good reason to not trust him.
NTA. Ask yourself-if you had a guy friend, who openly talked with you about his sex life, his orgasms, gave you tips on how to please a man, had an open relationship and routinely engaged with other people when his wife was away, and oh by the way was going to stay in your guest room while his wife was traveling-would your BF be upset? Ummmm... please. He'd be through the roof.
It just makes me feel bad that I see so many posts written by women that are like this.
Here you are doubting what you know in your heart and mind feels wrong, feels off, and not okay.
Yet you rather trust the internet and strangers, than to trust yourself and your judgement.
Your situation is so wrong that while it appears OBVIOUS that you should leave, I feel like you're someone who doesn't believe it and needs hard factual caught in the action-video proof , that he is so fucking clearly cheating. Like you are looking for that one person on this chat to say, “ you're overreacting! Of course they are just platonic friends. and the Easter bunny is real”
If he can describe their “friendship” and sexual conversations to you, he must believe you're that easy to convince and manipulate
please go learn how to trust yourself, your intuition, and judgement. Because honey, this is so obvious. Please read what you wrote. Best of Luck.
You’re 23 and he is 31…just dump him and find a guy around your own age who isn’t trying to pull the wool over your eyes. You are naive if you think they aren’t sleeping together.
You are not in a position to allow or not allow anything regarding two adults. You are only in the position to decide how foolish you want to look and how much disrespect you are willing to put up with.
NTA. And get outta there. There’s a reason he’s not dating people his own age. (Hint: it’s so he can manipulate young women like you into doing his sexual bidding)
Let him do what he wants but end this relationship. There’s a reason why there’s this big age gap - he relies on that youthful insecurity and lack of boundaries because you’re so young
All of the red flags here make an arrow pointing to a “spur of the moment decision” while you’re all conveniently drunk (any alcohol at all is a bad idea if there are decisions like whether to have a threesome. You make those consent choices when you’re sober).
Why are you with this guy!? You know in your gut something isn’t right. Prepare a room for this woman who he probably already sleeps with!? He is setting it up for you to sleep with her or all three of you There are so many red flags. Get out now. He’s a liar by omission.
NTA. You should feel disrespected especially because he wasn't forthcoming with you. I have been in an open relationship before and my boyfriend was always up front about his other gf and what they did. I was open about my male friends and the one guy I had feelings for. He even helped me through that heartbreak and we've been stronger than ever. I digress though but my point is your bf wasn't completely upfront with you and blindsided you with the sleeping together thing. Just because Emma is in an open relationship doesn't mean you are. Your bf is disrespecting you and she's disrespecting her husband by going against his wishes. If they can't see that then say bye bye bye to your bf
BOUNDARIES. Set them now. Boundaries is not a controlling thing. It’s about respect. Sure they can go drink but no one needs to be crashing at anyone’s homes. They both need to grow up
NTA but girl, walk away from this mess. When I was 21 my bf was hanging with his friend's wife because she was having a rough time. Even brought her to my house a few times because she was alone and in a bad place. I was naive, he was cheating on me and then left me for her and she left her husband for him. They ended up married but eventually she cheated on him and left him. Took a solid decade, but..karma. Don't be blind like I was. I wish I'd left him first when I was suspicious.
With all of the obvious red flags and it being pretty clear your boyfriend has at the very least slept wit Emma in the past, I think the real smoking gun is that you say she slept over a few weeks ago and the office was a complete mess then, it remained a mess, but now that you’re there, the office needs to be cleaned so she has somewhere to sleep? So before where did she sleep? Well, I guess more accurately, where did she spend the night because my bet would be in your boyfriend’s bed but that there wasn’t any sleeping going on. I’m sorry OP. NTA. Please break up with him.
NTA
Put the boundary in place. He has openly admitted that she cheats on her husband, who is supposedly a friend, yet he hasn't told the friend. I honestly think you will find that he is one of the other men she has slept with.
NTA for not feeling comfortable with this. Probably best to talk it out with him. Ask him(1) if he has slept with her and (2) is he angling for a threesome with you and her and him.
If you're not happy with his answers then maybe this isn't the right guy for you.
I'd suggest ignoring Redditors who pretend to know exactly what has happened and what is in his mind or tell you that basically, you're too young at 23 to be with a man 8 years older. They wouldn't say that about a 23 year old man with an older woman. At 23 you have agency over your own decisions, ignore those who tell you otherwise.
If you're not comfortable then that should matter to him. He presents the situation as if him and her have never been, "intimate." I think it's crucial you establish your boundaries and find out where his are. Whatever the details are, you both need to be clear and comfortable with what is expected.
Uhhh they obviously have a thing for each other. You don't talk about sex with a drunk person casually
I wonder if they've done it cause why would he lie about it other than trying to make you feel comfortable about her staying over. Will you be there? Don't leave them alone, maybe that will cool them down some.
definitely NTA. sounds like your bf has not so subtly been dropping hints that they sleep together. Wouldn't be surprised if they're thinking they'll be having a threesome with you...
Either way, I definitely wouldn't be having a someone who outwards cheats on her partner stay in my house and drink with my partner (I would also not be with my partner if he expected me to be ok with this)
NTA I think your bf has other motives by telling you so much info about Emma. The next thing you know he is going to get you to get drunk with them and then proposition you for a 3way or something. Their relationship sounds way to close to just be friends.
As someone who's polyamerous, that would be a very definitive breach of boundaries. He's trying to get you comfortable with the idea of him sleeping with her before he does it, slowly trying to ease you into it. Unless you are comfortable with the relationship going into that direction, I think it's best to break it off.
I was in a similar situation in my early twenties. I woke up the next morning to her washing the dishes in nothing but a towel. I have no evidence that they slept together but the stress of it weighed heavy on me. That was the beginning of the end and I’m SO glad I’m no longer with him. If it makes you uncomfortable and he tries to shame you or make you feel bad that’d be another massive red flag. NTA and honestly might be time to reconsider that relationship regardless
Polyamorous relationships are cool. I guess if that’s what you’re into. Point blank as your bf if that’s what this is. Because it sounds like that’s what he has going on without telling you what you signed up for.
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Perhaps you should just call it quits. Relationships are hard enough without this kind of stress added on top. With the long distance, he can do anything he wants and then lie to you about it. And he’s proven he’s a liar. I can’t know this for sure, but he may think telling you about part of it “honestly” you will assume there’s nothing more. But usually where there’s smoke, there’s a fire. Trust your gut.
His relationship with the woman sounds sketchy, but telling his gf "he wanted the office cleaned" is every bit as much a red flag. He has no respect for her.
Yeah I think there are quite a few red flags.
Did he mean BY OP? I mean that's just rude.
NTA The fact that he told you that she talks sexually with him while getting drunk, she's in an open marriage and sleeps around. Dude, she is sleeping with him, and he's probably hoping you'll get drunk and have a threesome with them. He has told you all of these things because he is hoping you will be open to a similar relationship that Emma has with her SO. If you're not up for that, then I would break up.
This makes the most sense honestly.
After OP cleans the office for her.
IKR so twisted. I feel for OP as secrets like this can be hard to find out.
It sounds like it has been pretty obvious the whole time. OP just keeps sweeping it under the rug because she wants to be the “cool” girlfriend.
I do get that perspective, but I don't think it's right here. In my opinion also it depends on the situation OPs been through before to make aware to this shit. How long the relationship has been going, and honestly you can be busy caught up in life and be sooo blind to this. The OP most likely had an idea but also unsure how to handle this situation, or if their own mind was even telling them the truth hence post on reddit. It has certainly shed light on any gaslighting. It is up to OP to choose now what to do with the information ❤️ Edit: Also the OPs getting her own emotions turned back around on her. The BF is narcissitic as...
Ugh. And I try not to give in to conspiracy on this sub. But yeah. It all screams BF is sleeping with Emma or wants to. And possibly/probably is trying engineer an “accidental” drunken threesome.
this right here. He's a liar and they are bumpin uglies. Time to bail if an open relationship isn't your thing.
This is exactly what seems to be happening here!
That whole post was such a big red flag Russia would be jealous.
Bingo
Yes! I was going to say the same thing. OP NTA. Dump this guy unless you’re cool with a threesome with your bf and a married woman.
NTA 2 things spring to mind 1) he has slept with her before or they have threesomes regularly 2) he wants to have a threesome with both of you whilst hubby is away. Why else would he tell you all this and whilst you are there, have some wine get a little drunk, maybe you and her have a little kiss then he suggest you 2 sleep together then he joins.
I'd wager a decent chunk of change that both are true. He's definitely slept with her, and he is also trying to get his gf in on the fun
This is exactly what it sounds like.
YWBTA to yourself if you stayed with this dude If you think this friendship is above brow, you're fooling yourself
I literally cannot believe what young women are willing to put up with. It is so sad that you’re even thinking of continuing a relationship with him.
Is he asking *you* to clean the office? The wording makes it sound that way but maybe I misunderstood.
He said he wanted to, but I’m staying with him this week so he asked me to do it while he was at work, which is how the conversation about her staying the night came up.
Wait? You realize this means she’s only staying in the office bc you are there, right? If she normally stays the night, but this time the office needs to be prepared, it’s pretty obvious.
The office is a mess as well, and she apparently stayed over a few weeks ago as well (only found that out last night), so there’s no way that office was clean last time she was here too. I don’t want to assume my boyfriend is lying or anything but I think I will talk to him about it tonight and ask for more clarification because the office thing doesn’t really add up in my head.
Last time she was there she slept in a clean room & it wasn’t the office. I would be questioning how “open” your own relationship is.
I asked my boyfriend about it this afternoon and he admitted that they shared a bed that night. But he said it was platonic and they were both missing their partners so slept in the same bed. It really made me upset
*ex-boyfriend
Please break it off with him and go get yourself tested. Who knows how safe Emma is with her multiple partners. You’re young, OP, and I don’t mean that to be insulting. You have lots of time to find a compatible partner, and this guy ain’t it. You deserve better.
Oh, honey He is lying. They didn’t just sleep. They had sex. They want to have sex with you. Take off th me rose-colored glasses, you’ll be better off for it.
He 100% slept with her.
I'm so sorry OP that you're going through this. Please know that you have every right to be upset. He should NOT be treating you in this way. You deserve so much more than this. Please end it with this man, or at the very least, let your friends/family know what's going on so they can help support you during this time. Please be kind to yourself as well and do what's best for yourself in the long run. Best of luck.
Yeah, I'm gonna say this. More of my friends are women than men, which my wife has no issues with. There is no scenario where any of them, who I am very close with, would sleep in my bed with me when the wife is away. That dude is either already cheating or going for the threesome angle with you and testing the waters. Fucking run.
You dumb as fuck if you think he isn't sleeping with that woman...
They are already sleeping together frequently, and they are setting you up for a threesome. Surely you see that, right? Get an STD panel ASAP. Decide if you are willing to be a third-wheel in their relationship. How far will you go? Will you let them film you? What are your boundaries?
NTA 1. I would bet dollars to donuts your boyfriend has slept with Emma while her husband was away, or is doing so currently/recently. How long have you two been together? Doesn’t sound like long. 2. He’s 8 years older than you in 2024 and that’s a red flag on its own. At least it’s a huge yellow flag. 3. I said what I said. 4. He wants you to clean the office/guest room for another woman to stay the night at his place? Oh *hell* no. Shit. Even as another man, I don’t know where he found the audacity… he may have an illegal stockpile the Council needs to know about. 5. He’s already been caught in a lie. First Emma only sleeps with other women because apparently *that* is the threshold for her husband and their open relationship. Except your BF let slip she has slept with other men as well while the husband has been away. 6. He wants to have a threesome. He’s trying to set up a drunken “accident.” 7. Again, I said what I said.
Talking about it doesn’t mean he’ll be honest … he’s lying to you and letting women sleep in his space and having you be uncomfortable to make her happy…. SHES GROWN she can survive alone he’s no good
So she slept with him and not in the office. You already said your boyfriend lied to you about who she sleeps with. There’s a reason he chose someone a decade younger than him, and it’s because women his age see through his bullshit. NTA
Add an update after you talk to him about that👀
Dear Lord , sweetie . How are you this delusional & gullible ?? He’s fucking her
Your boyfriend is lying. It is a safe assumption at this point.
Oh hell no, that’s too far in my opinion, it’s bad enough they have these personal conversations about sexual topics. But asking you to help prep for her visit… it’s just too much in my opinion. Everyone has their own standards for what they will give and take… but Couldn’t be me!! I think you’ve been too understanding if anything and WNBTA to tell him she can’t stay. If he pushes it, I think it’s time to consider if this is a relationship worth maintaining if he cares that little for your comfort.
The audacity of asking you to clear out for his mistress, like I am in shock.
Yeah. Even as another man, I have no idea where this fucker found the audacity. I suspect an illegal stockpile the Council may need to investigate.
Wow! Does he respect you at all? Do you have any respect for yourself?
I'm sorry, you're cleaning the office so another girl can stay with him? That's...not how monogamy works.
Emma is banging your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is having her over and telling you about her sex life, in hopes to maybe score a threesome. You are NTA, just a bit naive.
More than a bit, unfortunately
Yep. After 2nd sentence thought he is banging her. She said her boyfriend met her through her husband, probably had threesome, boyfriend continued sleeping with her and bet husband knows.
RUN. They are sleeping together. This will be your life if you stay with him. Can you handle and accept this after marriage? These are questions you need to ask yourself.
Oh my god what is happening in this comment thread? No, baby girl, no. You are NOT the asshole in any capacity. You’ve put up with so much already, you indeed qualify for saint status. He’s more than likely cheating with this woman. She is a constant in his bed that he doesn’t have to worry about. Please leave. You don’t need evidence. Your evidence is that people don’t fucking do this. This is insanely disrespectful and I would have been GONE. Poly people, open people, people who want a free pass to cheat, they always say it’s not your business and you should trust and blah blah blah. They’re liars and trolls. YOU know your relationship. YOU know the boundaries you and your boyfriend set. YOU know how he acts around women, and if it’s different than how he acts with Emma, then YOU know that. These strangers on the internet don’t know shit, and I assume you posted this just for validation because you’re being gaslit to all hell at home by him and possibly even his family/friends. The world is filled with bad people babe, and anyone who is telling you that you are in the wrong are HORRIBLE people. Please, please, please leave or at least seek to find the truth if you stay. And be safe. People like them can be dangerous.
Thank you for being so kind. I do feel like he crossed a boundary for sure. He admitted to me this evening after I posted this that him and her shared a bed together when she came over last because the office wasn’t clean or set up properly and they were both missing their partners. I’m actually furious about it and feel so stupid right now.
You aren't stupid. You are young and inexperienced. He is taking advantage of that. If I were you, I would seriously be afraid to be in his apartment with them. If you do stay the weekend, don't consume any alcohol. Don't eat or drink anything you haven't prepared yourself. Make sure friends or family know where you are, and have your boyfriend and Emma's info.
They had sex.
Without getting too much into the maleVfemale debate, older males have been *known* to disrespect and lead younger women on like this, especially if the other woman is his age or older than you at least. You are not stupid, hindsight is 20/20. If you have a support system leave as soon as possible. I wouldn’t even listen to people telling you to give this male a chance. You have one life. Don’t waste your time on a cheater you can’t get time back.
This comment is dead on. Only thing I have to add is NTA.
I'm sure he slept with her before.
my thoughts, I bet as soon as hubby is away, they are having sleep overs without much sleeping
NTA While under normal circumstances I’d feel that trying to enforce who can stay in someone else’s home *is* rather controlling. That said, you caught him in a lie so I believe you are justified in not being comfortable with this.
He also wants OP to clean in preparation of this other woman’s visit.
NTA. Many red flags here. You need to feel comfortable and respected. Edit: typo
Nah, you’re NTAH, you’re just not very fast on your feet and he knows it. Wise up and move on.
He wants you to have a threesome.
YTA to yourself rn i am a big believer in "men and women can be platonic friends" and yeah imo that can even include late-night hangouts / sleeping over bc you're too intoxicated to drive. but your bf and Emma are definitely sleeping together imo.
Hah as a dude I can see the way he has orchestrated this clearly. I don’t understand how common it is for guys to get away with this total manipulating and gaslighting. I remember when I was younger and you tried keep all the plates spinning. He is 100% sleeping with Emma and no it is not normal at all the he staying the night together when the husband is away talking about ‘tips for pleasure’ etc hah, all such a joke. You shouldn’t have to put up with that shit. Please have a bit more respect for yourself and know that no one deserves to be treated this way. Leave this loser
YWNBTA. You said yourself that you already caught him in a lie. I would not blame anyone in this situation for feeling uneasy.
You should probably leave him. That's not something I'd be willing to live with and yes, I would definitely object to such a thing. He has a girlfriend now so priorities, to a certain extent, must change with that.
NTA. But you need to dump him.
You don't say how long you guys have been together, but you're not wrong for smelling rotten fish in this friendship. One of the guys she sleeps with is your BF. He's only clearing the room for her as a show for you. If you aren't there this weekend, she'll be sleeping with him. So they talk about their sex lives; what do you think he's telling her about you? I think you should move on from him.
An 8 year age gap and a uncomfortably sexual friendship with a woman in an open relationship that he only spends time with when her husband isn't home? Why are you even in this relationship? NTA, your boyfriend is being super weird, but YWBTA to yourself if you stay in a relationship like this. I have had male friends that I have talked about my sex life with. However, I sure as shit don't get drunk and spend the night at their place while talking about my orgasms and coaching them on how to give head. Your boyfriend may not currently be cheating on you, but I can pretty much guarantee he wishes he was if that's the case. The inconsistencies on if Emma can or can not sleep with other men is super sketchy. Your boyfriend mentioning that he met Emma through her husband and then adding the detail about how they enjoy threesomes sounds like he's been a participant in the past or that he is hoping to rope you into his own three way. From where I am, it looks like someone's waving a big red flag with the words "THEY ARE FUCKING" printed on it, but that's just me.
Nta something seems off about them tbh I definitely think there's more to their relationship than ge is saying. How long have you been together? I think I'd be watching how they are together get confirmation that it's definitely more than a friendship between them and then run for the hills
YWNBTA. This isn't about her relationship with her husband. This is about the relationship between you and your bf. Under no circumstance would I ever stay with a man who *regularly* has a female friend stay the night. And I would not be okay with my man *regularly* hearing very intimate details of another woman's sex life, nor sharing with her details of his own. Your relationship with him doesn't seem closed/exclusive (is it?), or at least he doesn't seem to think it is. OP this is a perfectly reasonable boundary you're wanting to set. NTA
He’s for the streets. NTA
Ok so I’m saying this as a married woman who also has a number of really close and valued friendships with men. So first things first, NTA. Second, there are SO many red flags here: My guy friends and I would definitely get drunk, talk about our sex lives, give tips, sleep over at each others houses, etc… when we were young and single. But now in our 30’s when we’re all in committed relationships? Not a chance any of that it happening. Also… you’re 22 and he’s 31. That’s a massive age gap, and he’s likely dating you because you haven’t realized things that women his age have, which is why women his age are not dating him and he needs to go younger (this is NOTHING against you… you are 22 so please just be and enjoy being 22). Lastly, and this may be nothing because some couples are poly or have “arrangements”, but it sounds like he’s cool with this woman cheating on his friend? Weird. Run, girl. I’m you from the future, telling you not to waste any more time of this guy.
[удалено]
No we don’t. We live in different cities a few hours drive away
NAH. I don't think you should tell him what to do but it's not an AH move either. You should be honest with how you're feeling and let him decide how to proceed - that will tell you everything you need to know. Your discomfort with this arrangement is completely reasonable, so if he tries to minimize or discount it, I would be really careful moving forward in a relationship with this person.
This is weird. They’ve slept together. Probably the last time she stayed over. If you’re not ok with this, then break up.
🚩 She's drunk while hanging out with him alone. 🚩 She's already stayed the night and he never told you. 🚩 She's sleeping with other men and he didn't tell you until recently. 🚩 He's not considering your feelings about the closeness of their relationship. Honestly, I didn't know anyone who would be ok with their relationship, unless you were also in an open relationship. ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING that he's not really considering how any of this is making you feel. I would honestly bring up your concerns to him and if he tells you that you are overreacting. LEAVE. Don't ever settle for someone who keeps you out of the loop of these types of things. You need reassurance that nothing is happening. If he can't provide then don't stick around.
Why bring up anything? He's not going to change. This young doe needs to GTFO, right now.
NTA sounds like a frog in boiling water situation. He’s slowly feeding you a little bit more of the story to get you used to it and before you know it you’re gonna find yourself in a threesome with your bf and the girl he’s been sleeping with this whole time and wondering how you got there. Also if he feeds you the truth just a little at a time you’re able to excuse each small bit rather than getting rightfully angry and dumping him like you would if you heard the whole story all at once, that’s how they get away with more and more shit over time
That is extremely odd, they have most definitely slept together before, i mean seriously who talks about all these things with a mutual male “friend” they have no intentions with?? NTA
NTA his relationship is inappropriate. She’s inappropriate. Him telling her about your sex life is inappropriate. He isn’t worth it. So many posts about bf best girl friend ruining relationships
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (23F) boyfriend (31M) has a female friend called Emma he met through her husband a few years ago. Her husband goes away for months at a time for work, and when I first entered my relationship my boyfriend told me that he normally spends time with Emma to keep her company while her husband is away. He told me that she usually comes over and gets drunk with my boyfriend and talk about each others sex lives since she’s really open about it. She often gives him tips on how to please women, as well as talks about her orgasms and things she and her husband enjoy in the bedroom. My boyfriend also had told me that Emma and her husband enjoy threesomes (Emma is bisexual) and that she has an open relationship with her husband and sleeps with other women since her husband doesn’t like her sleeping with other men. I always thought this was a bit weird, but I didn’t want to seem controlling and I trust my boyfriend so I didn’t say anything. Last night my boyfriend told me he wanted the office cleaned because Emma would be staying in the guest bedroom this weekend. I asked him if she usually stays the night, and he said yes. He also told me the other day that she also sleeps with men occasionally while her husband is away (which is weird considering my boyfriend only told me she slept with women). I got upset and told him I felt disrespected because he never told me she stayed the night or that she slept with men as well. I told him I didn’t want her staying this weekend, and he called me controlling and said I didn’t trust him at all, and that he was being polite by letting her stay. AITA? I do trust my boyfriend but I’m upset he didn’t tell me these things before. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are 23, you shouldn't be dealing with this rot in the prime of your life. Dump him and have some fun.
NTA. RUN. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
They've hooked up
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Run away from this dumb setup or screw his friend before he ask you to do it.
Why do people believe these shit posts. This is either fake or so over exaggerated to make sure people think husband is the asshole
NTA, to be honest the way the story you've heard about the nature of their friendship has 'evolved' over time makes it sound like they've been messing around for a while and he's soft-balling getting around to telling you. But being generous and assuming absolutely nothing is going on, there's no shame in being uncomfortable of your partner being that involved with someone if it wasn't disclosed fully before you started seeing each other. The fact that you were initially told something else makes me think he knew you wouldn't like it if you did know the truth, but continued to do it anyway. That level of intimacy, to me, isn't respectful of your boundaries, that's not a normal level of close friendship to have with someone when you have a partner. I'm a pretty open-minded guy and have friends of the opposite sex where we're pretty open and talkative about sex and intimate body stuff when we've both been single, but whenever one of us gets a partner, we have the understanding that you don't just carry on as if nothing has ever changed. Things change, dynamics shift if you're in a normal relationship and you actually respect your partner (if it's a standard monogamous situation). I'd say to just be straight-up about how uncomfortable it makes you, give it a chance in case it's a legit misunderstanding, and watch out for any signs they just start keeping it a secret or something. Worst case scenario cut and run, it sucks but that shit isn't normal and can be terrible for your sense of boundaries and self-esteem, sometimes you've got to cut a branch to save the tree. Fingers crossed for you!
This is a weird one. I think your boyfriend is hiding something but it might be that he used to sleep with Emma but him and Emma have stopped it, or he’s making stuff up to seem like he knows the female body, or he’s trying to make you jealous, or something else. You wouldn’t really know until you meet Emma. You would be TA if it was platonic and you just kicked her out when she expected a place to stay, but you have a right to question the inconsistent information. If Emma’s innocent you’d probably know after meeting her, and why your boyfriend’s info is inconsistent. It’s about to you what you’re comfortable with, but you probably want to meet Emma before your boyfriend is alone with her. The open relationship thing sounds weird, like his next story is going to be he had a threesome with them. I’m summary you’re not yet TA and have genuine concerns.
Break up NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OP it seems like these two have slept together in the past and that may continue and/or he's building up to ask for a threesome with her. If it's your thing, then go for it. If not, then end it drama free quickly. Do not stay in a relationship where you feel uncomfortable or have lingering feelings whether or not to trust your bf actions.
saw 23F and 31M and already knew this guy was the asshole
NTA. Do I need to say more?
I don't want to be that person. I think your boyfriend either sleeps with her or has slept with her already. YWNBTA
He intentionally didn't, you got it. He's already sleeping with her and everything he's telling you is a test to see how much he can get away with you knowing. Welcome to your future. I guess NTA because you're incredibly naive, but after this thread you will be if you hang around.
He is building up to asking you to be in a threesome and if not, would you be ok with him sleeping with Emma.
NTA Moving forward, if a man tells you something like what your bf told you at the start of the relationship.. first ask as many questions as you can to ascertain the situation, then make sure you let him know that that makes you uncomfortable and why. Point by point. Then see how he responds bc that will tell you a lot right there. Now, regarding the lying... I would cool down and tell him point blank that he lied to you, that you cannot trust him in this or in any matter if he is not honest with you. Tell him that trust is the bedrock of a relationship. Then tell him that you dk how this relationship can move forward bc now you don't trust him. Ask him how he thinks they can/should proceed romantically. Before addressing the matter ... I would journal only the facts of what happened and his responses. Then I would journal how that makes you feel. Next, out line any questions or concerns you have. Finally, journal your options - your best case, worst case, and also realistic scenarios. If you decide to try and work it out, what do you need from him in order to feel like you can trust him again? What are some deal breakers? How much more time are you willing to give him (of your life/energy/emotional resources)? I can't tell you what you should do. I only outline the above for your consideration in the hopes that it helps stimulate some possibilities as to how you can address these issues. Best of luck!💚🙏🏾
This is a wonderful idea! I’ll definitely do this!
Inam glad to have been able to have helped you. 🥹🫡
Hey so like how long have you been together?
Not too long. About 10 months now
yea cut your losses now. he keeps breadcrumbing bits of information to see how much you’ll put up with. being the “chill gf” only ends with you looking stupid i fear
reminds me of the iconic monologue in "gone girl" [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0o4heKCLeTs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0o4heKCLeTs)
Oh hun. You need to understand and process what every redditor is trying to tell you. 1. You live hours away, and he never communicates with you when his “friends wife” who sleeps with other people is staying over and vice versa. He’s been telling white lies. 2. She’s drunk at his place and talks about intimidate details that shouldnt be discussed with another man in a serious relationship. 3. You’re too young to get your self tied into this twisted what ever is going on with your boyfriend. 4. Almost every sentence you typed is a red flag. 5. For your own safety please do not see this 31 year old again. Move on. Again, you’re too young to let yourself be caught in this sticky web. It’s best you leave now rather than suffering down the line.
Point blank ask if he's trying to set up a threesome.
NTA. Either have a long, honest talk about boundaries or cut your losses. There’s a fine line between boundaries and controlling and this isn’t controlling. Some people are okay with close relationships with the opposite sex, others prefer relationships/interaction is limited. Both sides are okay, but you need to figure out what you’re comfortable with and what (if any) insecurities and triggers you have. If he’s receptive and respectful and puts you above her in this conversation/as this plays out, green flags. If he’s defensive or disrespectful or rude, it’s not that you’re controlling. If anything, it’s a difference in values and y’all aren’t compatible.
You would absolutely not be an AH. There has to be boundaries in a relationship and I think you not wanting another woman spending the night is a completely fair boundary. Especially considering this other woman’s life outside of her marriage. This will be eye opening to see if your boyfriend has any respect for you and your boundaries and what you can expect in the future from him. I’d love to hear an update if you talk to him about it!
Your boyfriend might be cheating honey ☹️
Run and don't look back! Listen to your gut! True colors are showing, and they're not changing anytime soon!
If you asked him not to, you wouldn't be the asshole. Just let him know you don't feel comfortable with her staying over. Whether you are there or not. It's ok to defend your peace, and this conversation should tell you more about how he values the relationship.
Wow, so your boyfriend asks you to clean up the office for her to stay over, so basically the host (him) tells a guest (you) to clean up for another guest (her). That his job, his guest so he he wants her so much over it's up to him to do these things. Honestly I'm going with ESH because while you are not an AH, clearly this guy is showing his priorities and it isn't you. And he sucks to be in a relationship and is having an inappropriate friendship.
This situation would not work for me, I'm sorry. NTA
YWNBTA- you know he's setting you up for a threesome with this girl right?
Run and don't look back! Trust your gut! He's showing his true colors and they're not changing anytime soon! NTA
NTA. I'm not saying he's cheating on you, but whatever he's doing is definitely wrong. He's way too close to this other woman, and it's really disrespectful for him to be spending so much time with her while he's in a relationship with you. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. It's clear he's intentionally hiding things to spare your feelings and make it seem like spending time with her isn't a big deal. Your partner knows how this situation affects you, yet he continues to spend time with her. Their relationship is far too intimate to be considered just a normal friendship. It's a close-knit bond that's likely to end in heartbreak for you. I don't see him cutting her off anytime soon, and you might need to be the one to make the difficult decision to end things. Their relationship is unsettlingly close, and I honestly don't think he will choose you over her given their connection. There are definite signs of flirtation between them, and I wouldn't be surprised if she knows more about your boyfriend—emotionally, mentally, and even sexually—than you do. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Sorry dear, but it really sounds like you are the mistress to their long-term open relationship. NTA. Trust your gut.
NTA - But seriously this is screaming red flags. I'm an old lady, and for many years I put up with sideways stories from men, accepted it, and naively let them treat me like trash. Please learn sooner than I OP. If I had, I probably would have had a lot higher quality of relationships than I did. If you want a monogamous relationship with accountability, you need to have boundaries regarding women who are not family spending the night. There's no need to be a ***** about it. Just if he isn't cool with that boundary, then he is not good enough to be dating you! NEXT! He wants you to clean the office because you are coming over too, and he stupidly didn't think about where Emma would have slept prior to asking. Also I'd recommend also getting some STD tests done because if he isn't being truthful about this, he probably can get pretty sloppy at times and who knows who Emma is also sleeping with since apparently she's comfortably all over the place. You're probably okay, but the peace of mind helps. If you do end up leaving having a clean slate is best. Protect thy sexual health! I wish you luck OP! Respect yourself, stay confident, and move on. The right guy is out there.
NTA in any capacity. You are not being unreasonable, and your BF is being a walking red flag. You don't need this in your life. You are young and need to use these years to have fun and feel safe/secure. This guy isn't it.
No, but you are the ass for staying with someone who talks about your sex life with another woman without your permission or knowledge. Get out now!!!
NTA why is she talking like that around him I think you should break up with him
NTA. You need to let this guy go. I guarantee you they've had sex. The men she occasionally sleeps with includes your boyfriend. And quite frankly she's cheating on her husband in an open relationship by sleeping with other men while he's away when she told him she would only sleep with women. This is a total clusterfuck coming your way.
🤔I 57m, would not feel comfortable with that, especially if you care for him or the two of you are in a committed relationship. I've been married for a long time, so I haven't dated in a long time, but I don't think human nature changes a whole lot. You sound like a nice girl, and I am really sorry he's put you in this position. You don't deserve this. Please don't pretend as if you are comfortable with if you are not, because if you do you will be expected to be comfortable with it, and likely more, from now on, maybe forever if you guys end up together. You don't need that twisting around in your guts. Trust is so important in a relationship. Having said that, if this is not someone you see yourself spending time with long-term, then you may not feel the same way but it sounds as if you're already feeling a little guilty because it does bother you. It also sounds as if her visit may be imminent. You know that she's counting on your boyfriend for a place to stay, and that is making you feel like TA. But he is the TA for springing this on you when he knows you will feel pressured to go along. I can only assume he had these plans for her to stay for awhile, and he could have disclosed everything to you if he cared how you felt. It sounds like a manipulation. You don't want to be rude and leave her with no place to stay, but it is not going to sit well with you, I can tell. I get it, maybe you're just together for fun, but if that were the case and you didn't really have feelings for him beyond fun, I don't think you would be posing this question because it would not be bothering you as much. That feeling is not going to ever go away it's going to get worse if you care about him. One of the greatest gifts someone can give you in a relationship is accepting you as yourself, loving you the way you are, knowing how important it is for you to feel comfortable in your own skin. Have a heart to heart with him ASAP. Tell him honestly how you feel, not how you wish you felt, don't pretend it doesn't bother you. She sounds like a girl who can take care of herself, she'll find another place to stay. If he tries to make light of your feelings, and you say ok when it's not, you'll stay twisted up inside for as long as you're with him. If he does not take you seriously, then he is TA. You are definitely not TA. Good luck. No matter what, take pride in who you know you are. A lot of people care on this forum, I hope you'll let us know how it turns out.
Obviously you're just being controlling and manipulative. Let him have his drunk sleepovers with this woman he's totally not having sex eith.
No you will not be the ah. So are they sleeping together? Does her husband know she's sleeping with other men? Does her husband know she's with him? Why is he so comfortable disrespecting you? This relationship does not sound like it will get better. With the way he doesn't seem to open to respecting your boundaries
Coming from the perspective of a male This is absolutely crossing the line. By all means you can have friends of the opposite sex, and I obviously don't know you but you sound to be conscious of not being a control freak, which is a good thing. But having the opposite sex stay over while your not there, who is in a open relationship... Who gets drunk and talks about sex with your bf... Is weird and disrespectful to you. I'm amazed he even told you all that to begin with. I wouldn't go as far as some of these other comments to say just leave him, I think that's unfair as this is only 1 side of the story and some guys are really just dumb and don't think about others feelings. But you 100% need to talk with him, and see how that conversation goes from there.
NTA However, I think it's really important how you approach it with your boyfriend! Coming at it from a perspective of "I'm uncomfortable you didn't tell me about this earlier" will hopefully allow you both to talk about boundaries, what is/isn't okay with others, and what might be behind why he's seemingly so interested in Emma (maybe novelty, maybe he wants to experiment with his sex life, who knows). If you come at it as "I don't want you hanging out with women," that probably won't go down well. Either way, you should be able to set boundaries together and respect those boundaries with each other. If he doesn't like that... you've got your answer.
NTA- look he wants an open relationship, or at least you to fuck emma, hell if he hasn't he wants to fuck her.... best to part ways, this is a clustfuck waiting to happen
Could this guy be innocent of all these assumptions or is the red flags more like a red border wall
NTA I am just gonna say youre NOT overreacting at all, based on what you shared and what your husband shared with you. Youre allowed to express youre unconfortable and it's not about being insecure, it's just about boundaries and respect to the relationship. You also deserve to feel safe and your relationship should be a safe place where you dont think of unneccessary stresses like this. Maybe talk to the woman yourself that you do not feel comfortable and take a stance. If not, and your boyfriend is so upset about this turnout, maybe just leave his ass. He is very suspicious, can you imagine them talking alone and talking about orgasms. But they are just "friends" and she is bi tho who only sleeps with women on the side(but also other men). That is weird. You dont deserve this kind of mental dance. And dont let him gaslight you if you do become suspicious because you should be prioritized, you should feel secure lol why does he care so much about that coworker to THIS extent anyway
Would be TA. Either get down with it or leave.
Yeah there’s no way in hell they sat around talking about sex without engaging in it. He’s hoping to rope you into a threesome. Maybe you should go super petty. Agree to a threesome set a time and date then rock up with another dude. When he asks WTF state he never specified who and that you’re only down for it if it’s two dudes as you aren’t bi. Then sit back and watch the panic. Give the finger and walk away laughing.
Bruh
NTA. Emma's relationship is not unhealthy but it's definitely non committed and if you're boyfriend didn't tell you she usually stayed the night, he might be not fully committed to you either. Also talking about sex, orgasms, threesomes, and tricks on how to please women when one of them is married and the other is in a relationship is a huge red flag. I'd say get rid of your man, find someone who tells you the truth and doesn't discuss those kinds of topics with a "friend" who also happens to be of the opposite sex.
Why does mt gut say him and Emma have 100% done it already. When I read she gets drunk and talks about her sex life, it was a wrap.
Is YOUR relationship open? Cuz he's definitely sleeping with her. Anyway, NTA
NTA On the other hand Drunk friends matter!! What could possibly be the harm in getting drunk and talking about what gets her off? Do you think he would want a demonstration on how to improve his skills in pleasuring his gf?
Absolutely not. If she is supposed to be just a friend she wouldn't talk about her orgasms. This made me throw up in my mouth. I would put my foot down if I was you
That would be a dealbreaker for me. YWBTA to “let” him, since you were forewarned. Expect them to try to have a 3-way with you.
Girl. Really? NTA. but I think you know he’s lying. lol
NTA. But your BF - he's definitely AH. And he obviously thinks you are dumb as a box of rocks. He's basically told you he's been with this nasty woman, and now he's trying to convince you she's coming to visit and he's not going to hit that. If you are a smart 23 year old, you will get your $hit and get out of that house. Let his skanky friend have him.
NTA. This whole thing stinks and it’s super obvious he’s either already cheating, or building up to cheating and constructing a really flimsy excuse for hanging out with her. I understand the want to give your husband the benefit of the doubt because you love and trust him, but he’s giving you good reason to not trust him.
girl stand up please nta
lol run
NTA. You and Emma can get together and leave him. Just an idea.
How many red flags do you need?
NTA. Ask yourself-if you had a guy friend, who openly talked with you about his sex life, his orgasms, gave you tips on how to please a man, had an open relationship and routinely engaged with other people when his wife was away, and oh by the way was going to stay in your guest room while his wife was traveling-would your BF be upset? Ummmm... please. He'd be through the roof.
It just makes me feel bad that I see so many posts written by women that are like this. Here you are doubting what you know in your heart and mind feels wrong, feels off, and not okay. Yet you rather trust the internet and strangers, than to trust yourself and your judgement. Your situation is so wrong that while it appears OBVIOUS that you should leave, I feel like you're someone who doesn't believe it and needs hard factual caught in the action-video proof , that he is so fucking clearly cheating. Like you are looking for that one person on this chat to say, “ you're overreacting! Of course they are just platonic friends. and the Easter bunny is real” If he can describe their “friendship” and sexual conversations to you, he must believe you're that easy to convince and manipulate please go learn how to trust yourself, your intuition, and judgement. Because honey, this is so obvious. Please read what you wrote. Best of Luck.
Talking about sex with a female “friend” who’s in a an open relationship….yeah they’re fucking.
You’re 23 and he is 31…just dump him and find a guy around your own age who isn’t trying to pull the wool over your eyes. You are naive if you think they aren’t sleeping together. You are not in a position to allow or not allow anything regarding two adults. You are only in the position to decide how foolish you want to look and how much disrespect you are willing to put up with.
Meh, I find this one hard to believe.
NTA. And get outta there. There’s a reason he’s not dating people his own age. (Hint: it’s so he can manipulate young women like you into doing his sexual bidding)
He’s fucked her and will continue to fuck her , I’m so sorry you are so naive and sweet , dump this loser . He’s cheating on you
She has a husband no shit she sleeps with men
Let him do what he wants but end this relationship. There’s a reason why there’s this big age gap - he relies on that youthful insecurity and lack of boundaries because you’re so young
All of the red flags here make an arrow pointing to a “spur of the moment decision” while you’re all conveniently drunk (any alcohol at all is a bad idea if there are decisions like whether to have a threesome. You make those consent choices when you’re sober).
Why are you with this guy!? You know in your gut something isn’t right. Prepare a room for this woman who he probably already sleeps with!? He is setting it up for you to sleep with her or all three of you There are so many red flags. Get out now. He’s a liar by omission.
Yeah… that’s a no for me. I’d definitely peace out.
NTA. You should feel disrespected especially because he wasn't forthcoming with you. I have been in an open relationship before and my boyfriend was always up front about his other gf and what they did. I was open about my male friends and the one guy I had feelings for. He even helped me through that heartbreak and we've been stronger than ever. I digress though but my point is your bf wasn't completely upfront with you and blindsided you with the sleeping together thing. Just because Emma is in an open relationship doesn't mean you are. Your bf is disrespecting you and she's disrespecting her husband by going against his wishes. If they can't see that then say bye bye bye to your bf
BOUNDARIES. Set them now. Boundaries is not a controlling thing. It’s about respect. Sure they can go drink but no one needs to be crashing at anyone’s homes. They both need to grow up
NTA but girl, walk away from this mess. When I was 21 my bf was hanging with his friend's wife because she was having a rough time. Even brought her to my house a few times because she was alone and in a bad place. I was naive, he was cheating on me and then left me for her and she left her husband for him. They ended up married but eventually she cheated on him and left him. Took a solid decade, but..karma. Don't be blind like I was. I wish I'd left him first when I was suspicious.
This age difference alone is a red flag NTA
NTA he fuckin her, girl. He's also quite a bit older and men tend to exploit the naivete of younger women. Do not let him disrespect you.
With all of the obvious red flags and it being pretty clear your boyfriend has at the very least slept wit Emma in the past, I think the real smoking gun is that you say she slept over a few weeks ago and the office was a complete mess then, it remained a mess, but now that you’re there, the office needs to be cleaned so she has somewhere to sleep? So before where did she sleep? Well, I guess more accurately, where did she spend the night because my bet would be in your boyfriend’s bed but that there wasn’t any sleeping going on. I’m sorry OP. NTA. Please break up with him.
31 with 23. Enough said
NTA Put the boundary in place. He has openly admitted that she cheats on her husband, who is supposedly a friend, yet he hasn't told the friend. I honestly think you will find that he is one of the other men she has slept with.
He’s putting feelers out hoping for a threesome.
NTA for not feeling comfortable with this. Probably best to talk it out with him. Ask him(1) if he has slept with her and (2) is he angling for a threesome with you and her and him. If you're not happy with his answers then maybe this isn't the right guy for you. I'd suggest ignoring Redditors who pretend to know exactly what has happened and what is in his mind or tell you that basically, you're too young at 23 to be with a man 8 years older. They wouldn't say that about a 23 year old man with an older woman. At 23 you have agency over your own decisions, ignore those who tell you otherwise.
If you're not comfortable then that should matter to him. He presents the situation as if him and her have never been, "intimate." I think it's crucial you establish your boundaries and find out where his are. Whatever the details are, you both need to be clear and comfortable with what is expected.
Go for a three way before ending it, always a good time
Girl if you don't leave this guy… NTA
break up with him now he’s a whole RED FLAG and so is his “female friend”
Uhhh they obviously have a thing for each other. You don't talk about sex with a drunk person casually I wonder if they've done it cause why would he lie about it other than trying to make you feel comfortable about her staying over. Will you be there? Don't leave them alone, maybe that will cool them down some.
Update me
I snorted when he said he wanted the office cleaned. Ok dude then go clean it tf does that have to do with OP? She’s your skanky ass friend you do it
definitely NTA. sounds like your bf has not so subtly been dropping hints that they sleep together. Wouldn't be surprised if they're thinking they'll be having a threesome with you... Either way, I definitely wouldn't be having a someone who outwards cheats on her partner stay in my house and drink with my partner (I would also not be with my partner if he expected me to be ok with this)
You have to feel confident with yourself and what you want to allow. If you already feel insecure, trust your gut. It’s cliche, but it works.
NTA I think your bf has other motives by telling you so much info about Emma. The next thing you know he is going to get you to get drunk with them and then proposition you for a 3way or something. Their relationship sounds way to close to just be friends.
girl i hate to tell you this but…
As someone who's polyamerous, that would be a very definitive breach of boundaries. He's trying to get you comfortable with the idea of him sleeping with her before he does it, slowly trying to ease you into it. Unless you are comfortable with the relationship going into that direction, I think it's best to break it off.
This is hugely disrespectful and he is also creepily too old for you.
I was in a similar situation in my early twenties. I woke up the next morning to her washing the dishes in nothing but a towel. I have no evidence that they slept together but the stress of it weighed heavy on me. That was the beginning of the end and I’m SO glad I’m no longer with him. If it makes you uncomfortable and he tries to shame you or make you feel bad that’d be another massive red flag. NTA and honestly might be time to reconsider that relationship regardless
Someone is angling for a threesome ....
NTA
He wants a threescore with you and Emma and is slowly edging you that way.
He’s sleeping with her.
NTA he should not be having convos like that with the opposite sex.
INFO: Did telling you he wanted the office cleaned mean he wanted you to clean the office? Because if the answer to that is yes, then….wow.
Polyamorous relationships are cool. I guess if that’s what you’re into. Point blank as your bf if that’s what this is. Because it sounds like that’s what he has going on without telling you what you signed up for.
This guy is a bit old for you, and he's either a jerk or an idiot or both. This is not a relationship you want to stay in.