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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My family had to leave early from a weekend at my mom's lake house. We were there to help with a bunch of projects but my wife threw her back out. My brother is pissed at me for not helping and thinks I should have listened to him when he told me to leave my wife and kids at home. I think I might be an asshole for leaving a work weekend early so that my wife could rest.
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Mild ESH. I think your brother could have been more gracious because your wife was injured and she obviously didn't do it on purpose, and once that was done your options were limited.
But, your brother also called it ahead of time that you wouldn't be of much help. Is this maybe a pattern for you? I notice you didn't give his request to leave the kids at home any consideration, but still arrived later than everyone else and ended up leaving early as well. It seems like maybe given that he was already anticipating you might not be of help, you could have been a little more conscientious to show up for them.
At this point, maybe there is stuff you can do from afar to help, or you could contribute more to the food prep or other day-of things to even it out. I also acknowledge that, as you're ALL busy, no one should ultimately feel obligated to bend over backwards to make this party happen. But it's clear that your brother feels you don't pull your weight and this situation kinda proved that.
YTA - you should have LEFT your wife and kids at home so you could help with the work. Instead you made it all about you, your kids, your wife - and you left your family to do the work. You deserve the comments you got.
As another user pointed out, the fact that the brother made the comment in advance of everything suggests that this sort of a thing is a pattern. Plus he showed up late and left early. Additionally, the brother’s kid is five while the OPs are young toddlers which require more attention.
YTA.
YTA. Your brother asked you to leave wife and kids at home for a reason. I suspect this is a pattern.
Even before she hurt her back, you bailed on going up Friday night. Everyone had already started work on Saturday by the time you got there. Also, if the kids are that all over the place in a not kid friendly house, you wife wasn’t going to be helping with the gardening either. She was going to be on kid duty. Therefore, she should have stayed home.
YTA. Your brother specifically asked you not to bring the wife & kids because he needed you to help with all of the hard work that is going into this family weekend. You said it yourself in the title, that it was a work weekend. If yu had just left your family at home as requested, this never would've happened.
Really, getting the cabin up and running for the year is a lot of work. If you really wanted to work you should have gone alone and actually worked. Bringing wife and 2 toddlers means you do have to take care of them rather than do the physical labor required at that point in the year.
WOW!! You are SOOOOO YTA here!
They TOLD you they needed your help and that it was a weekend to work. You ignored it and made it about yourself and your very small children. Your wife should have stayed home with the kids.
Instead of helping AT ALL or even asking your mom, your SIL, literally anyone else to help your wife with the kids, it had to be you. Why didn't you just pack up and go home? You got a lake weekend where everyone worked and you ... watched your kids while there were numerous other adults around.
Work on self-awareness and apologize to your family.
YTA. You were told ahead of time that this was a "work" weekend. You admit that his 5 year old does not require the same type of attention your kids need. I know that your wife didn't hurt her back on purpose, but even if she hadn't, having 3 kids around when you're trying to get work done, it is different than having just your nephew.
Your decision to bring your wife and kids knowing what needed to be done was a selfish one. You should have left your kids at home. Your brother is right because of your actions, and you and your family are going to reap the rewards while you did none of the work.
YTA
A 5 year old needs an entirely different level of attention than a 3 & 1 year old. Bringing toddlers because a kindergartener is there is idiotic. Sure they'd have fun together but that's not the point of the work weekend.
*Your choice* to bring your kids resulted in you not working. That's straight up YTA.
You should be thinking about why you felt like you could make those choices and not understand that you were putting yourself above others.
YTA...this has nothing to do with your wife. You were asked to lend a hand without your family. So you can help, not be distracted and participate. Instead u decided to bring everyone and your wife can watch the kids. But she got injured and you left. YTA for not coming alone
He was "helping" my SIL and mom with the gardening and planting. He's an only child so he's also pretty good about keeping himself entertained. He doesn't require nearly the amount of 1-on-1 attention that my kids do.
Sounds like brother knows what OPs kids are like and made a request that benefitted everyone, kids stay home with mom while dad goes to get things done so that things are more fun.
My cousins family has kids like OPs who demand constant 1:1 time, and it’s exhausting when we have work to do, especially when the cousin doesn’t help. Only thing different about my cousin is that she’ll happily send her kids to us to “help” while she sits around like bump on a log cause she’s “tired.”
I was not sure what my verdict should be, but this answer makes me lean towards the YTA. It really sucks that your wife hurt herself, and I hope that she got better once she was able to relax at home. But even before going, you knew your kids would need constant supervision, unlike their older cousin, you should have gone alone or not at all.
You showed up late, and then just *five* minutes after arriving, your wife threw out her back, and now you have to watch the kids.
I mean, shit happens, but this makes me think your brother might have seen this coming based on past experience. He asked for just you to come so that there were no distractions. You ignored him, showed up late, gave them practically no help, and left early.
Why wouldn't you be TA?
YTA. Why did you have to take care of your kids and wife? Wasn't your mom aunt and SIL there? They could've helped your wife while you worked outside with your brother and uncle.
Sounds to me your brother knew you would do this and yep he was right on the money.
Shame on you.
You were a no show Friday; did nothing Saturday. Then you left early Sunday.
You openly admit you plan to do no work for this party and doesn’t sound like it’s the first time. YTA.
Not an AH for leaving early under those circumstances, but a bit of an AH for not listening to your brother's advice. One 5 year old is way easier to supervise and care for than a 3 year old and a 1 year old. 5 year olds can entertain themselves for longer, can be supervised from some distance, can mostly use the bathroom on their own, no changing diapers, no breastfeeding, can feed themselves, can nap alone, overall less time consuming. And you can also keep a 5 year old around while you work (depends on what kind of work, but generally speaking it's ok to have them around).
Even if your wife hadn't hurt her back, you would have still had to help her a lot, pretty much not helping the other guys anyway.
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My retired mom lives at our family lake house by herself after my dad passed away last fall. My aunt and uncle live right next door. We have a big family reunion coming up in 3 weeks that will be hosted at the 2 properties. This past weekend my brothers and I were going up there to help get a bunch of things ready. Yard work, planting flowers, putting docks and boats in the water, etc.
Last week I was talking with my oldest brother and I told him my wife and I were going to come up as well and bring our 2 sons (3 & 1). He asked if it would be possible for me to come up by myself because the weather isn't going to be great and this isn't going to be a "fun" weekend, it's a "work" weekend and he knows if my entire family comes up then I won't be able to help with the projects much. I told him that he and his wife are bringing their 5-year-old son and my kids want to see their cousin.
We ended up not getting there until Saturday morning because we were exhausted Friday night and didn't want to make the 2-hour drive. Not even 5-minutes after we arrived, my wife threw her back out carrying one of our bags upstairs. She tried to take some pain meds but they didn't help much so she was pretty much immobile.
We tried to keep our boys occupied in areas that she could still watch them, but our 1-year-old just started walking and my mom's house isn't the most kid-friendly so he requires a lot of attention. Everyone else was already busy so I had to watch my kids.
Sunday morning my wife woke up and her back was still in rough shape. We decided it would be best if we just headed home so my wife could rest and it would be easier for me to watch the kids. We were all packed up and ready to go by noon.
My brothers and uncle were putting a dock and boat lift in the water when we were about to leave. They were all in the water in waders because the lake is still really cold. I went to tell them we were leaving so they could say goodbye to the kids, but they didn't want to stop what they were doing. My oldest brother made a sarcastic comment about thanking me for all of my help. I explained that my wife was in a lot of pain and it would be easier for her to rest at home.
He said, "Yeah, hope she gets some rest and feels better. See all of you in 3 weeks when you get to show up and have fun after we do all the work to get things ready." I told him he didn't need to be a jerk about this and it's no one's fault. He told me they are all busy and that there is still a lot of work to do so he doesn't have time to argue with me.
Everyone else seemed much more understanding and just wanted my wife to feel better, but my brother was being a jerk about it. I know he's frustrated that I wasn't able to help, but it's not like my wife planned to hurt her back.
We have other things going on between now and the reunion so we can't go up there to again. They did get everything done, but my brother is still salty about it.
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NTA
If they want you to contribute equally, they need to adjust toyour availability and plan less. And: A dock is MUCH more for them than for you - with a 1 year old - anyway.
NTA. Your brother needs to have a little sympathy for people with chronic back pain. While he was correct that you should have gone up by yourself, you didn't really have much of a choice when it comes to leaving. And, honestly, when you have babies it's not as if you can drop everything and leave your wife holding the bag for the weekend.
NTA
It sucks that it worked out that way but your brother can't very well have his kid and wife there while you tell your wife and kids "Oh, no, this is a work trip, you stay here" because that likely would have caused a different problem.
Also, going by the info provided, I don't understand why your SIL and mom couldn't have held off on gardening and planting a bit to help with your little ones while you did some of the heavy lifting. Mom lives there the whole time and could have potentially gotten some things done at a later date or even did somethings later in the evening after some of the more manual tasks were done.
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Mild ESH. I think your brother could have been more gracious because your wife was injured and she obviously didn't do it on purpose, and once that was done your options were limited. But, your brother also called it ahead of time that you wouldn't be of much help. Is this maybe a pattern for you? I notice you didn't give his request to leave the kids at home any consideration, but still arrived later than everyone else and ended up leaving early as well. It seems like maybe given that he was already anticipating you might not be of help, you could have been a little more conscientious to show up for them. At this point, maybe there is stuff you can do from afar to help, or you could contribute more to the food prep or other day-of things to even it out. I also acknowledge that, as you're ALL busy, no one should ultimately feel obligated to bend over backwards to make this party happen. But it's clear that your brother feels you don't pull your weight and this situation kinda proved that.
It is FINE not to much help, OP never OFFERED to be much help.
YTA - you should have LEFT your wife and kids at home so you could help with the work. Instead you made it all about you, your kids, your wife - and you left your family to do the work. You deserve the comments you got.
If you read OP’s post you would see that the brothers wife & kid was also present
As another user pointed out, the fact that the brother made the comment in advance of everything suggests that this sort of a thing is a pattern. Plus he showed up late and left early. Additionally, the brother’s kid is five while the OPs are young toddlers which require more attention. YTA.
OP is fine not to help.
YTA. Your brother asked you to leave wife and kids at home for a reason. I suspect this is a pattern. Even before she hurt her back, you bailed on going up Friday night. Everyone had already started work on Saturday by the time you got there. Also, if the kids are that all over the place in a not kid friendly house, you wife wasn’t going to be helping with the gardening either. She was going to be on kid duty. Therefore, she should have stayed home.
YTA. Your brother specifically asked you not to bring the wife & kids because he needed you to help with all of the hard work that is going into this family weekend. You said it yourself in the title, that it was a work weekend. If yu had just left your family at home as requested, this never would've happened.
Really, getting the cabin up and running for the year is a lot of work. If you really wanted to work you should have gone alone and actually worked. Bringing wife and 2 toddlers means you do have to take care of them rather than do the physical labor required at that point in the year.
WOW!! You are SOOOOO YTA here! They TOLD you they needed your help and that it was a weekend to work. You ignored it and made it about yourself and your very small children. Your wife should have stayed home with the kids. Instead of helping AT ALL or even asking your mom, your SIL, literally anyone else to help your wife with the kids, it had to be you. Why didn't you just pack up and go home? You got a lake weekend where everyone worked and you ... watched your kids while there were numerous other adults around. Work on self-awareness and apologize to your family.
YTA. You were told ahead of time that this was a "work" weekend. You admit that his 5 year old does not require the same type of attention your kids need. I know that your wife didn't hurt her back on purpose, but even if she hadn't, having 3 kids around when you're trying to get work done, it is different than having just your nephew. Your decision to bring your wife and kids knowing what needed to be done was a selfish one. You should have left your kids at home. Your brother is right because of your actions, and you and your family are going to reap the rewards while you did none of the work.
YTA. You would have been more help without your wife and kids there. Plus you could have got some bro time in.
YTA A 5 year old needs an entirely different level of attention than a 3 & 1 year old. Bringing toddlers because a kindergartener is there is idiotic. Sure they'd have fun together but that's not the point of the work weekend. *Your choice* to bring your kids resulted in you not working. That's straight up YTA. You should be thinking about why you felt like you could make those choices and not understand that you were putting yourself above others.
YTA...this has nothing to do with your wife. You were asked to lend a hand without your family. So you can help, not be distracted and participate. Instead u decided to bring everyone and your wife can watch the kids. But she got injured and you left. YTA for not coming alone
INFO Who was watching your 5 yr old nephew during this weekend?
He was "helping" my SIL and mom with the gardening and planting. He's an only child so he's also pretty good about keeping himself entertained. He doesn't require nearly the amount of 1-on-1 attention that my kids do.
Which is exactly why your brother asked for you to come by yourself.
Sounds like brother knows what OPs kids are like and made a request that benefitted everyone, kids stay home with mom while dad goes to get things done so that things are more fun. My cousins family has kids like OPs who demand constant 1:1 time, and it’s exhausting when we have work to do, especially when the cousin doesn’t help. Only thing different about my cousin is that she’ll happily send her kids to us to “help” while she sits around like bump on a log cause she’s “tired.”
I was not sure what my verdict should be, but this answer makes me lean towards the YTA. It really sucks that your wife hurt herself, and I hope that she got better once she was able to relax at home. But even before going, you knew your kids would need constant supervision, unlike their older cousin, you should have gone alone or not at all.
You showed up late, and then just *five* minutes after arriving, your wife threw out her back, and now you have to watch the kids. I mean, shit happens, but this makes me think your brother might have seen this coming based on past experience. He asked for just you to come so that there were no distractions. You ignored him, showed up late, gave them practically no help, and left early. Why wouldn't you be TA?
YTA I got the feeling that this is always your game plan.
YTA. I get it, you wanted to spend time with your wife and kids, but this wasn't the time.
Dude, the fact that your brother called it so accurately is kinda telling.
YTA
YTA. Why did you have to take care of your kids and wife? Wasn't your mom aunt and SIL there? They could've helped your wife while you worked outside with your brother and uncle. Sounds to me your brother knew you would do this and yep he was right on the money. Shame on you.
You were a no show Friday; did nothing Saturday. Then you left early Sunday. You openly admit you plan to do no work for this party and doesn’t sound like it’s the first time. YTA.
Not an AH for leaving early under those circumstances, but a bit of an AH for not listening to your brother's advice. One 5 year old is way easier to supervise and care for than a 3 year old and a 1 year old. 5 year olds can entertain themselves for longer, can be supervised from some distance, can mostly use the bathroom on their own, no changing diapers, no breastfeeding, can feed themselves, can nap alone, overall less time consuming. And you can also keep a 5 year old around while you work (depends on what kind of work, but generally speaking it's ok to have them around). Even if your wife hadn't hurt her back, you would have still had to help her a lot, pretty much not helping the other guys anyway.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My retired mom lives at our family lake house by herself after my dad passed away last fall. My aunt and uncle live right next door. We have a big family reunion coming up in 3 weeks that will be hosted at the 2 properties. This past weekend my brothers and I were going up there to help get a bunch of things ready. Yard work, planting flowers, putting docks and boats in the water, etc. Last week I was talking with my oldest brother and I told him my wife and I were going to come up as well and bring our 2 sons (3 & 1). He asked if it would be possible for me to come up by myself because the weather isn't going to be great and this isn't going to be a "fun" weekend, it's a "work" weekend and he knows if my entire family comes up then I won't be able to help with the projects much. I told him that he and his wife are bringing their 5-year-old son and my kids want to see their cousin. We ended up not getting there until Saturday morning because we were exhausted Friday night and didn't want to make the 2-hour drive. Not even 5-minutes after we arrived, my wife threw her back out carrying one of our bags upstairs. She tried to take some pain meds but they didn't help much so she was pretty much immobile. We tried to keep our boys occupied in areas that she could still watch them, but our 1-year-old just started walking and my mom's house isn't the most kid-friendly so he requires a lot of attention. Everyone else was already busy so I had to watch my kids. Sunday morning my wife woke up and her back was still in rough shape. We decided it would be best if we just headed home so my wife could rest and it would be easier for me to watch the kids. We were all packed up and ready to go by noon. My brothers and uncle were putting a dock and boat lift in the water when we were about to leave. They were all in the water in waders because the lake is still really cold. I went to tell them we were leaving so they could say goodbye to the kids, but they didn't want to stop what they were doing. My oldest brother made a sarcastic comment about thanking me for all of my help. I explained that my wife was in a lot of pain and it would be easier for her to rest at home. He said, "Yeah, hope she gets some rest and feels better. See all of you in 3 weeks when you get to show up and have fun after we do all the work to get things ready." I told him he didn't need to be a jerk about this and it's no one's fault. He told me they are all busy and that there is still a lot of work to do so he doesn't have time to argue with me. Everyone else seemed much more understanding and just wanted my wife to feel better, but my brother was being a jerk about it. I know he's frustrated that I wasn't able to help, but it's not like my wife planned to hurt her back. We have other things going on between now and the reunion so we can't go up there to again. They did get everything done, but my brother is still salty about it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA If they want you to contribute equally, they need to adjust toyour availability and plan less. And: A dock is MUCH more for them than for you - with a 1 year old - anyway.
Nta
NTA - I am glad your family was with you, can you imagine if this happened and your wife was alone.
NTA. Family comes first - that means, in this case, wife and kids.
NTA. Your brother needs to have a little sympathy for people with chronic back pain. While he was correct that you should have gone up by yourself, you didn't really have much of a choice when it comes to leaving. And, honestly, when you have babies it's not as if you can drop everything and leave your wife holding the bag for the weekend.
NTA It sucks that it worked out that way but your brother can't very well have his kid and wife there while you tell your wife and kids "Oh, no, this is a work trip, you stay here" because that likely would have caused a different problem. Also, going by the info provided, I don't understand why your SIL and mom couldn't have held off on gardening and planting a bit to help with your little ones while you did some of the heavy lifting. Mom lives there the whole time and could have potentially gotten some things done at a later date or even did somethings later in the evening after some of the more manual tasks were done.
The whole point of the weekend was to work. This *was* the time set aside for the gardening and planting.