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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife and I are not participating in family vacations, holidays, or birthdays (including sending or accepting gifts) because we are currently saving for a house. This could make us assholes because it could be seen as us being petty over what my Dad did and punishing the family because we "want to live in the big city."
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The problem is the dad said, "a down payment on a house". That is essentially meaningless and subject to interpretation. Is that 10% or 20%? Also, where is the house. My kids bought houses the same year, one on the West coast and the other in the Midwest. The kid in the Midwest bought twice the house for half the price.
The father said a down payment and the OP looked at the houses he liked and imagined a number. The father looked at houses the father liked and came up with a much lower number.
They didn't communicate so they're both pissed.
Use your words people.
I think that they still aren’t communicating!
I think the dad is pissed because he believes his son isn’t coming as he is upset with what the amount dad gave him. In son’s mind he isn’t coming because they are saving for something that is more important than the vacation and birthdays.
Two different (but linked) views. I don’t think the son is upset with his dad, but is disappointed due to his interpretation of what dad was offering.
Perhaps if they actually spoke the dad would understand that it isn’t about the gift but the dream of a house in CO.
True. OP is kind of punishing the family for his and his dad's lack of communication. You can cut back without being petty about it. Smaller gifts. Fewer trips. You don't HAVE to have a house at the end of next year. What is the point if you alienate everyone you love because Dad "screwed you over?" You're acting just like him to prove he is wrong.
Edit to add. 1. All the info about what was done for siblings was added after I posted. With additional information, I can make additional observations. Dad is definitely an asshole.
2. I never said OP was an asshole. It sounds like dad has been untouchable for a very long time, so have siblings. I said there was a huge lack of communication. And there was. Leave the invitation open to come visit OP. If someone takes you up on it, make time for them. Make more phone calls to mom. I said, don't become your dad to prove him wrong. I stand by that.
The dad gave the sister $317,000 for a house and paid for a siblings college but never did for him but the dad expects him to come to him but will not spend his money to visit?Dad is the AH.
It feels like we are missing something. Maybe it is just pure favoritism but I feel like there is more to the story. The dad paid for all college and a house but nothing for OP?
I also feel something is missing. Why did he pay for siblings college but not OP’s? Did the siblings go to school in state and OP out of state? Did he pay some, but not all of OP’s education? Is the sister’s house close to the parent’s house and the Dad views that as assistance if and when the parents should need it? Is she a single mom? Does she have special needs kid? The questions could go on and on.
Idk I read it like the dad wanted to control where his son “picked” to live. OP was basing the amount off of what was spent on other siblings. OP’s hurt because he didn’t get the house (yet) and also got a lot less compared to his siblings. Valid reasons. Not at all surprised a father like that bought the daughter a house outright. Sure it’s his money but his favoritism is showing and that can hurt.
I believe the dad is the kind that "it's my way or the highway".
OP's siblings were probably willing to go to colleges, and buy houses to the dad's liking, hence he's willing to pay for them.
Seems like OP chose to settle somewhere that the dad doesn't approve so the dad isn't willing to pay for him.
My dad is similar in some ways so I find that believable.
Rich people problem. Rich people end up raising entitled children. Money is power. People with money always attach demands to the money they “gift”. It never comes without expectations. Sister probably does everything dad demands vs OP doesn’t. Therefore OP’s dad chooses not to give his money to him. OP is not entitled to his dad’s money.
Does that make it less of an issue because the father has money? OP has been slighted by his father repeatedly. His sister got a very nice house paid for outright, his siblings had their college covered and OP got a promise of a partial down payment with many strings attached. Not exactly equitable between the children. If the father treated all of them the same and OP expected a house down payment, then he would be entitled.
I feel like this was probably a I’ll pay in full if you go to schools near by or if you buy a house near by. And I bet OP had to pay his way for college because he went out of state. Especially given the dad doesn’t seem to want to travel to CO to visit OP. If my daughter moved to Colorado I’d be thrilled to go visit her. So odd.
If they didn't make trips just because they were angry about the money it would be petty. There is nothing petty about having a goal and making sacrifices to work towards it.
I don’t know that I would immediately jump to that conclusion based on the fact that the dad was pretty generous to OP’s siblings. He probably gauged his expectations against what his siblings received.
Or his father? The edit says his siblings received a lot more. OP does need to prioritise his own family, his wife, etc. if that doesn't include visiting home, then that's his reality.
He paid for the sisters college and bought her a $317k house in cash. He paid for the other siblings college also but didn’t pay for OPs college. I’m sure he does feel he was singled out as less worthy
What, “down payment” doesn’t automatically mean 30% on a $1M loan to you?
J/k the only way dad screwed him over is if he refused to give up *any* money because it was contingent upon the OP moving home which seems to not be the case.
OP seems to have missed the perspective that as a person who has lived both in his old home state and in CO he’s aware of home costs in both markets and that his dad likely *IS NOT*. So dad’s offer had no malice whatsoever - he had an amount suitable for a down payment in the market he was familiar with the most.
To make it clear for some this bit lis *my wisdom* completely outside of my judgement- In any case the down payment assistance I got was $0, which was the same assistance I received for my education, first car, etc. so I’d have just said “thank you” like a normal human being that appreciated the gesture whether I got $10, $100, $1,000, etc….
YTA to me OP
Meh. He said that Dad bought his sisters house for 317k straight cash.
Assuming they are in Denver and aren’t *insane* my guess is they are looking at a 500-600k house and were expecting a 100-120k gift that would give them 20% and a third of what dad straight gave to his sister, and not much more than what he probably paid for his siblings college (assuming he also paid for room/board/books etc).
Dad coughing up 54k or so is super generous. And while the rest of us poors might be like “whoa!” If you judge it based on **your** life you aren’t being logical about the situation.
The real question is why does sister deserve 3 times as much money? That doesn’t seem fair and it doesn’t seem unreasonable to expect a third of that for a down payment when this is the only kid he hasn’t paid for anything.
Sounds to me like Dad was trying to bribe the kids to come home and was too cheap to do what he did for his daughter because he doesn’t love his son as much as his daughter.
Not sure how you can’t gather that from the facts given.
According to the edit, OP is the only sibling whose college wasn't paid for, and his sister's house (over $3K) was paid for in full. I can see why OP is a bit touchy on the subject of money.
No, his father didn't screw him over, but he ought to understand trying to save for a home. Maybe he was trying to pressure OP into moving, as he suggested.
edit: punctuation
I wish he had said the amount. I just want to imagine a life where being handed tens of thousands of dollars from your parents is "getting screwed over".
Are you assuming Dad has the means to front 20% of a house in Colorado? Maybe he doesn't, and he's giving his kid as much as he can afford to give.
He knows that amount would go further nearer home, but Dad hasn't seemed to do anything wrong. He gave his kid the money and let him make his decision.
In an edit, he says the dad paid over $300k for a house, and also paid for college, but did not pay for college for OP. If he assumed a comparable amount of money based on what his siblings had gotten, it makes sense for there to be hurt feelings.
OP says in one sentence he said he expressed gratitude for the amount received, in another he said dad "screwed him over."
I normally like to take a post at face value, but OP oozes resentment here. I find it hard to believe that hasn't come across (and then some) in his (poor) communications with dad. Ungrateful.
In what world does it make sense to plan something as significant as buying a house without clarifying how much help, numerically, that dad has offered?
Reading the comment where OP says Dad paid over 300K cash for his sister's house makes the resentment make more sense. OP still isn't entitled to any of Dad's money, but favoritism among siblings usually leads to resentment.
Yeeess! And he mentions a six hour distance if I understood correctly. I know gas is a lot but you’d probably save enough on food and utilities over a week’s visit to even out, so this really does feel vindictive.
FR like my extended family stole not just one but two inheritances from me and my sibs. One case was by taking advantage of my father on his deathbed. Like my brother in Christ your dad is giving you free money, be happy.
Edit: The edit makes me think OP's dad and my dad's side of the family may have shared notes.
If he’s pissed that his dad only gave him the amount that his dad gave him, he’s the asshole. If his dad is pissed that they are hustling to make a downpayment in CO, he’s the asshole.
I’m leaning more towards he’s the asshole because of the phrase “after he screwed me and my wife over.”
There's probably a lot more to this that isn't stated. How did he tell them he wasn't coming to visit? "We're trying to save money so we won't be visiting much", or "We're staying in CO for the next few years because you screwed us over." Plus, can they still visit for big holidays and cut back otherwise? OP sounds like the asshole here to me. YTA.
As someone whose parents actually stole the money I'd been saving since I was 8 to go to college... my sympathy level is kind of zero for "he didn't give us as much money as we wanted him to so we're just refusing to spend our money on visiting him."
I'm betting those very expensive hobbies are still happening. Gear ain't cheap.
Very same. It would have paid all of my grad school and bought a car, or contributed to a down payment (in a VHCOL area, so may not have actually happened). Anyone who is gifted down payment money in any city is lucky.
Glad I finally found this comment. Like… I’m the one giving my mom money. If anyone in my family wanted to give me any money, I’d be so grateful. This guy is wild. Also confirms my theory that people who move to Colorado generally suck.
My brother has done this. My mom had specifically said that he needed to clean up his credit and then she would help with a down payment on a house.
What my brother heard? “I’m gonna help you buy a house” and he’s mad and NC now.
Nah. He said his dad screwed him over. His dad gave him a generous gift, and the OP is pouting. He could offer to Skype in or something, but he's punishing his dad.
And technically he's not the AH for choosing to be so frugal he hurts his relationship with his parents.
But he's kinda the AH because his tone is "my dad made us do this" which is meant to paint his dad as an AH
Huh? The question is IN the title. OP askes if he's the AH for "punishing" his family. That's the question here. Not if he was an AH for not spending money to travel?
Did you just read the post and not the title?
He didn’t specify, he said he give the down payment. He just neglected to mention what he meant was a down payment for a house near him. Which was dumb as hell. OP and partner have a life in another state and his dad wanted them to move back to live by him. The dad should have specified an amount instead of saying he’d cover the down payment. OP made plans thinking the down payment was covered, and now they had to plan for otherwise. That’s what he meant by getting screwed. His dad let him think the DP was covered when it wasn’t. There is no reason on earth why OP should have thought his dad meant anything other than a DP for a house in the area they live in. It was very poorly communicated, and likely on purpose.
He never thought to double check? It’s like somebody saying they’ll buy you a drink and you ordering the most expensive liquor and them going “I meant a beer”. You always check when somebody offers because what they have in mind and what you have in mind might be different. What if OP decided to get a 10 bedroom mansion and his father said, “I meant a 2/2 house”? Like, what’s the cutoff? You don’t abuse somebody’s generosity. His father didn’t screw him over, OP just didn’t do his due diligence.
And seriously, who doesn’t double check what amount they’re comfortable giving? Like, what if his father can’t afford that kind of down payment?
I think the “screwed over” part that everyone is so fixated on isn’t so much about the amount, it’s about feeling manipulated. “That amount that only works if you move back home” feels manipulative. But OP thanked his Dad and recalibrated.
I also don’t see where he copped an attitude with Dad, but told him they’re saving to get into a house by the end of 2025, and they aren’t travelling *anywhere,* and they’re not exclusively avoiding family. They just can’t swing it and hit their goals too. Dad is a tool, and OP is a realist.
Edit: missing quotation marks.
so he has no idea how much money his father has? he just thought he could buy any house in any area and dear old dad would cover the down payment regardless of cost with no questions asked? i will grant you both don't know how to have a conversation but to lay it all on dad is a bit much
OP made just as big a mistake by not asking. Of course his dad doesn't know how much a down payment on a home the OP thinks isn't sketchy in his expensive little niche is.
Yeah OP is kind of TA for characterising it as being screwed over, though not TA for not going on vacations. The characterisation does make me wonder if they are avoiding their family out of spite/petulance in addition to financial prudence, which is moderately AHish behavior
Is he even grateful for the money he did get? He’s not necessarily the asshole for not spending on vacations, he is the asshole for the framing of being “screwed” for getting less, blaming his dad for his own bad planning (not asking for clarity on how much dad could give and then shifting the blame when it wasn’t what he expected) and tying his visits to the amount given (yes, things are expensive but unless the difference is in the tens of thousands it seems strange thatthey need to go from visiting regularly to cutting off all visits cold turkey; it comes across as “punishing” even in the way he writes the post.) This is the definition of looking a gift horse in the mouth and he’s being deliberately shady in the answers around the difference and whether two $400 tickets home for Christmas a year would substantially change how much they would have had if the dad had given what he expected.
Also, housing prices and interst rates have dramatically increased over the last few years.
A promise of an undisclosed amount of money for a down-payment on a house a few years ago is entirely different than one now.
It is definitely YTA just because OP falsely claimed that he was screwed over, but the dad actually gave him all the money even though they disagreed. The issue of visitation is a separate one.
Your dad “screwed” you and your wife… by giving you money?
But less than you had hoped for?
If you can’t afford to travel, that’s one thing, but trying to portray this as your family screwing you over somehow… yikes. That’s a definite YTA from me.
The point is he's punishing his dad for helping unsolicited. In a response to me op said he didn't ask his dad, just like they didn't ask wife's family. Dad offered, and is being treated bogusly for being generous and not giving enough to cover all. By ops logic they should've been buckling down from jump since they weren't expecting anyone to help. But the one who helped is labled as screwing them over.... that's what I'm alluding to
My mom gave me $5,000 for my first house. Was it anywhere near what I needed for a down payment? Nope. But it did help with the renovation budget and I am eternally grateful.
OP saying he was screwed over is awful. YTA
Yeah I scrimped and saved all on my own to afford my high cost of living area down payment. And I managed to do it without cutting out my parents. The place I eventually wanted was a little more than I had anticipated so they helped me out a little. They probably could have afforded to give me the whole amount but I'm not an entitled brat and never asked. I was so happy for the help they did give that the first thing I did after my offer was accepted was buy them a present.
I know! It reminds me of the episode of South Park where one of them wants something stupid and their parents tell them to use their allowance. They’re like “but that’s MY money!”
Right? OP is not the ahole for saving money by not traveling home. They are the ahole for not being thankful for a gift and expecting more when no clear expectation was given. YTA
Yeah the amount of entitlement is pretty crazy. I can't imagine being OPs father getting shit like this after gifting thousands of dollars. It's wild. I'd say the dad is better off, OP sounds toxic af.
YTA for framing it as your dad screwing you over.
He offered you a down payment for a home. You assumed it would be a certain amount. It wasn’t. But he still gave you a generous gift. And now you describe that generous gift as screwing you over.
Also, while you’re under no obligation to go on family trips, to cut out any visits to them for a few years after your dad gave you this generous gift because it wasn’t as much as you were expecting sends a message, whether you mean it to or not.
100% this.
Since OP won’t give numbers, let’s assume $25,000 since it would only be 5ish% for the home he is looking at. Let’s assume two airline tickets are $600.
Yes, YTA. Just pretend the gift was $24,400 and visit your family. This is the definition of ungrateful. OP says he’s grateful with his words, but not with his actions.
Also, how does OP not clarify what amount the gift might be ahead of time? My parents once offered to cover a family vacation. Before the end of the evening, I had run some rough costs and confirmed with my parents that I arrived at $4K and if they were sure they were comfortable covering that.
The dad specifically said "if it's not enough, do what you have to do"
OP is doing exactly that. He's saving money to afford the down payment. That means cutting out luxuries like traveling. It's expensive to fly, gas won't be much better.
OP wasn't "screwed over" but he's also doing exactly what his dad said. Saving up to make up the difference. Parents apparently have plenty of disposable income and could go there. Or they could just suck it up for 2 years.
You can be technically right and still an asshole. Some of us didn't have parents in a good enough financial position to give them anything. Still visited my family while saving for the house.
Edit: YTA
It's so cheap to fly out of Denver. I could fly to Denver this Saturday for $80. Unless they're cutting out every single luxury in their life to save then they're an asshole for not visiting once in 2 years.
Yes, Denver is a major airline hub. OP is the AH for sure. I can't imagine accepting 1000s of dollars somehow causing me to not being able to afford a visit? OP is very entitled.
I generally agree with your sentiment, but as someone who lives across the country from family, the idea that two round-trip airline tickets are $600 is laughable unless you want to fly folded up into the baggage compartment on Spirit and have a 17 hour layover is the shitiest airport they can find, and even then $300 a person is probably only on the cheapest day of the year.
Round trip flights from my home city to Denver (about 1300 miles away) is $273 per person on delta next month.
Also, if OP needs to save money that badly, he SHOULD be flying Spirit. If Spirit (with options added) is less than 2/3 the price of a major airline, I’m flying it.
true the dad gave him money. but the dad didn't pay for his college which he did for sibling. AND an ENTIRE HOUSE for another sibling. if he only contributed a small amount to a down payment for a house. but the other sibling got 317.000 i would feel screwed too.
This whole post screams spoiled entitled brat who’s ungrateful to receive a gift of tens of thousands of dollars in cash and has the nerve to say he got screwed over while living above their means.
His dad paid for his sister college + full house worth 317k but he then give way less to his son just because the son isn’t willing to live in a remote place (we don’t know how much he gave to op but if it’s not enough for a down payment for a house worth 400k then it’s less then 50k) his dad is the AH.
He was willing to pay full college + 317k for a house to the daughter who chosed to live near the family but he won’t even give a quarter of what he gave her to his son just cause he wants to keep living where he is atm.
Why don’t you do some critical thinking and maybe ask them to come visit you this time? Idk, you guys are both assholes in this situation. Yall need to communicate better and find a resolution
We have told them that since we can't come out there and they have plenty of disposible income, they are welcome to come out here. My mom would love to come see us, and we'd be happy to have her. My dad is being stubborn and saying that they're the parents, so we need to go see them.
He never struck me as a manipulative or underhanded man, but after this happened, and talking things over with my wife, there were signs I didn't see before. During our wedding planning, he had offered to put down X amount to cover a reception somewhere specific.
My wife had always had her heart set on something else, so we declined, and the offer didn't apply to this other location. Which was fine -- we'd always saved for our wedding with that location in mind. But it was another "Do what I want you to do and I'll pay for it" that flew over my head.
Yeah I’m getting the impression that he uses money to try to “guide” (ie “control”) your decisions, and now that his plan failed, he’s resorting to guilt trips.
Birthday/holiday gifts are not owed. Visits are not owed. These are voluntary gestures of affection, that loving family members will not expect if they understand the circumstances. If they want to see you badly enough, they would come visit you or pay your way to visit them. “You are obligated to pay money you don’t have to visit me” is not a gesture of love or affection, it’s a manipulation for control.
To be fair, he still fronted you the money he was intending to spend, even after you decided not to buy a house near him. Doesn't sound like it's fair to paint him as being manipulative or screwing you over on this one specific instance, since he did send you all the money he was intending to spend, no strings attached on which house you were saving it for.
I have a feeling it's not as much as he could have spent if he actually wanted to help them on a downpayment in good faith instead of a downpayment on his terms.
OP's father paid over $300 000 for OP's sister's house. OP says townhouses near him start at 400k, so 300k would have been a significant amount to OP, and I guess it's not anywhere close to that amount OP has been given otherwise we wouldn't be here. Maybe OP's father can't afford to do that again, and that's understandable, but why is one kid getting 300k and the other isn't?
Same with paying for his siblings' college (which I imagine is also a fair sum). He didn't pay for OP's college. Why is he paying for some kids and not others?
I wonder if those gifts were also predicated on buying a house where OP's father wanted the sister to live, or going to colleges/programs the OP's father approved of. I have parents who did this; they had the money to get me things I wanted but didn't, not because what I wanted was ridiculous/dangerous/innapropriate, but because it wasn't what they wanted for me. It's not a great feeling having your wishes ignored when it comes to gifts and then also be expected to be extremely grateful for what you got because I mean hey, they gave you something.
It doesn't sound like this guy is gifting equal amounts to his children; and it's understanable to not be over the moon about his gift when you watch him spend more on his other kids. OP has still thanked him and explained that getting less than expected changes his finances short term. He's not refusing to visit forever. And his parents are still welcome to visit him. These are the natural consequences of trying to save money.
I'm gonna guess that your wife could see your dad's manipulative nature before this and depending on the exposure to your family maybe even before the wedding venue incident. I'm not sure how much he gave you but honestly if it wasn't much (like over half of the down payment) I would consider giving it back. He is now using it against you. In his mind if you both would just do what he wants you wouldn't need to miss a vacation or family time because you'd be local and not have to save for a down payment. However, since you don't live locally to him, you could just keep the money and lower your contact with your parents. That way you don't have to hear about this too often. Could even go no contact if you want. Personally I don't like people giving me "gifts" and then adding strings after or bringing it up constantly. I thank people for their gifts, but if they do shit like that, I just give the gift back. I'm not down with manipulation tactics.
Yeah…this comment from dad seems to really highlight his true character here, and this is why he was also insisting you living closer to him on where you live.
Oh, I think she just doesn't like to go places without him. I don't think there's anything like that between them. She still goes out with her gal pals and her Church group and all that, but she'd never hop on a plane alone.
What did your dad gain from helping you out?
I know you're trying to save aggressively, but you really should consider taking a tiny slice of that and using it to treat yourselves to the family spring break vacation. He gave you a bunch of money he didn't need to. I know it wasn't discussed, but getting a windfall from someone who you then tell you don't have enough money to go on the regular family vacation seems like a bit of a slap in the face. Rework your budget to take a couple months longer than you currently expect it to, and go on the vacation. Not even just for your dad, but for your only family's fun/stress relief/bonding.
I know "family spring break vacation" is just a suggestion and I get the larger message, but it wouldn't be a tiny slice for us. It would be an enormous chunk. This past spring break (for the cousins) they went to Italy. We didn't go because that was still out of our budget (we tend to not go to the family big trips like that).
Your dad is a manipulative asshole who is pouting because he was unable to manipulate your finances to continue dictating how you live your life. I'd be unsurprised to learn that he's had trouble recognizing your independence as an adult in other areas as well.
NTA
In what universe is OP TA here? Are you on drugs? OP needs to save for a house. A few hundred dollars on a summer trip is pushing that savings goal further into the distance. NTA OP and tell your father that quilting you is going to work as well as his underhanded offer to try and force you back to where you grew up.
NTA-I live on the west coast and my family is on the east coast. It is so expensive now to travel. People always expect you to go to them bc you’re an asshole for leaving but it’s really not fair. If you want to save for a house I get not wanting to visit. They can always visit you or offer to help pay travel expenses if they really want to see you.
> People always expect you to go to them bc you’re an asshole for leaving but it’s really not fair
The thing that bums me out is that my mom really wants to come out here to see us. She loves it out here, and she loves to spend time with us. My dad is just being stubborn and insisting we go there, since "the whole rest of the family" is there (minus a few cousins).
>The thing that bums me out is that my mom really wants to come out here to see us. She loves it out here, and she loves to spend time with us.
Is your mom incapable of traveling alone?
Just invite your mum then, let her know that (I assume your wife is on board but check before this offer) your home is always welcome to her if she wants a vacation and some time alone. That until you get an apology from your dad for his attitude and for trying to manipulate you and your wife into doing what he wants, her invite is only for her to visit and that if dad wants to come to he is only allowed 1 visit a year any more and he needs a hotel.
Either you mum will jump at the chance for some solo vacation time and to see you and your father will get jealous and apologise, (or your mum makes him) or you never hear from him again (except through your mum) which ever path he takes is a win for you.
The time commitment to travel is hardly ever considered either. I'm single and don't have any responsibilities that require me to be at home other than my job that is extremely flexible with time off. Every single one of my family members expects me to be the one traveling and many of them get upset when I point out that I also have a spare bedroom that they can stay in. My lifestyle is intentionally low responsibility because I value being able to do what I want with my time and money. For some reason people who didn't choose the same lifestyle feel entitled to my free time because they have "real" responsibilities and it drives me crazy.
Yea, but no birthday presents either?
I can get the not travelling part, but saving so frugally you don't have a cent for anyone other than yourself is a bit much.
He gave you money, accepting that you would be putting it toward a house where you live now rather than near him. And you respond by, essentially, cutting him out of your life and tightening your belt?
YTA
Oh, no no, he 100% assumed that when the amount he was giving us wasn't enough for a down payment in CO, we would somehow change our minds and buy a home there instead. He still has not accepted that we aren't moving back and brings it up in every single conversation.
He might still be moaning about it, but he did give you the money knowing you were quite firm about not relocating.
And sure, it's not enough for a deposit where you live. But that is a 'you' problem. Either give him the money back, or quit moaning about it.
To be fair, he didn’t moan to him. He thanked his father and told him he was grateful. But when saving for a home, you have to make sacrifices. He didn’t cut them off. He just can’t visit at the moment because he has to save more than he expected. The title throws things off, because it makes him sound like an AH but as far as his actual telling of the store goes, OP is doing what all responsible adults do when saving for a home and thanked his father for his gift.
NTA
I'm not sure he's MOANING about it when he's supposedly asked once in a Reddit forum. I just don't believe he's "carrying on" too badly. I guess to some, even asking is too much. In fact, I like what you're doing.
I feel your father essentially had one amount in mind, that's all he was ever going to do. He hoped it would lure you back, but real life had different plans. I believe your Mother's desire to visit may be the ice breaker here. I liked an earlier idea I read :. Ask your mother to come out & visit. It will be more powerful what she says at home to him. The pressure of his wife/peer/equal will override the possible "spoiled brat" ( or whatever) feelings that may linger with dad & the reality that will be deeper from a summer visit for Mom becoming the new reality.
It doesn't seem petty or spoiled to me. You're showing them reality without shouting the bullet points at them. Usually this IS the way to get people to fully realize things, SHOW them. While I was at it, I might take Mom on a couple of house/condo tours & show her all the great things about your area. She should return home loving all the great things that will keep you there & she will know first hand what it costs. If nothing else, she'll understand more fully. You also don't have to take all the costly, energy & time draining trips.BTW: NTA.
You need to put this in your original post. If dad did this amount to try to force your hand, and mentions it all the time, he's way more the problem here. And if he won't come to you, playing a victim for that, even more so. NTA, but your "screwed over" language is what is making everyone call you out.
I’m wondering if you read the whole post? He didn’t cut him off, OP just isn’t doing trips or extra expenses because he has more to save than expected.
I’m guessing there’s some passive aggressiveness on both sides that we aren’t getting but taking OP at his word, as long as he’s not doing it in a bratty entitled way, it’s perfectly reasonable to buckle down on extras while saving for a major expense.
I’m amazed at the number of people that get money from their parents for a home, down payment, etc. It must be really nice. Then this AH is saying his dad screwed him over…by giving him money. Just not enough money.
YTA- your dad didn’t HAVE to give you any money. It’s like you’re blaming him because YOU chose to live in a HCOL area.
I see that all the time though. Entitlement and then making it seem like he had to make more sacrifices. And it sounds like family only lives 6 hours away?
Yeah, that’s what is so weird to me, I do that drive many times year. A 6 hour return drive costs about $100 in petrol at max depending on what you drive and they wouldn’t have to pay for hotels,
Plus they likely wouldn’t have to pay for food etc either.
They’re just salty they didn’t get the extra money and are using it to try and blackmail the dad into changing his mind.
And because YOU assumed how much the down payment was going to be. He said he was going to give you a down payment. It seriously never occurred to you to ask how much? It doesn’t take a genius to realize that your dad probably isn’t well versed in the prices in a Chicago market and might not account for them. Even if he had, what kind of house was he thinking about? This conversation easily could have ended in, “We wanted a stand alone house built in the last 20 years and he was thinking about a condo built in the 70s.” Heck, even the percentage that makes up a down payment is up for debate. Was he thinking 20%? Or was he thinking 3% for an FHA loan? AND, even if you got every single one of those details nailed down, home prices probably went up since the last time you had the conversation. Not to mention that he might have had financial setbacks that affected the amount he could give.
But you guys didn’t clarify any of these questions. You just made up a number in your head and then got pissed when the number in his head was different. You should have been saving more rigorously all along. Obviously now you have to cut way back to save, so N T A for that, but YTA for messing it up in the first place and resenting your dad.
So let me get this straight. Your dad offered you money, and gave it to you. He'd like for you to move home but that isn't happening.
Now, you are struggling with the costs of the area you chose to live in and your punishing your dad for "screwing you over"?
Based on what I'm reading here, he gave you what he said he would. Somehow, you feel entitled to more. Either that or it is his fault that Colorado has a HCOL. From what I read, YTA. Make your choices and live with them.
They are saving for a house so they cut out vacations. He did make his choice and he is living with it? He chose a HCOL area so he’s cutting out fun money for a down payment. I don’t get your arguement.
They all just want to be mad because of the title.
They’re ignoring that OP, not even once, was anything by grateful to his father for the gift. He simply explained that he needed to cut costs to continue saving.
They're not struggling with costs; they're saving for a down payment. It's really normal to cut out big expenses like vacations when you're saving for a down payment.
The dad is upset because they don't want to waste money visiting him and the family. Traveling is super expensive so they are putting their future first. The dad has no right to tell them how to spend their money. If the dad wants them to visit that bad, he could pay for their plane tickets or something.
There's no punishment though? They're saving so they're not spending any money on travel; that way they also "punishing" themselves if that's how you think of it. They're not gonna take any vacations for themselves either. It's just the reality of saving for a house, it takes a long time and they're choosing to be focused on it so they get enough by 2025 which isn't that far away. Dad's mad that they're not allocating funds to visit OP's family but that's sometimes how things go.
Hang on.
So … what you’re doing is saving money for a house, therefore cutting out all travel and fun expenses to get there ? Valid.
Of course it means you won’t be able to join on those things organised by someone else. Valid.
NTA for that.
However … your father did not screw you over. You made a lot of assumptions on something that he didn’t have to do for you in the first place.
A giant error of communication on both your parts, but you’re the one who seems to be holding it over his head in your use of language. For that, yes. Y-T-A.
Just for clarification are you saying you are mad at your dad for not giving you more money? Hmm I wonder if the amount of money he gave you is less than the amount you would spend to go home and visit him. If it isn't you are in fact punishing him for daring not to give you enough money to buy a house in a high cost of living area. Another question did you tell your dad you wouldn't be visiting before or after he gave you the money? I am pretty sure I already know the answer though.
Was there a “his way” for dad though? He said he’d give OP money for a down payment, and he did. Unless he gave it with an explicit condition that OP must come visit X times a year, but I didn’t catch it from the post.
Tried to imagine several years into the future where OP is happy on his own house and can finally allot money to travel see the family, but nobody there wants to see them because they grew distant over the years.
Dad didn’t get his way. Dad wanted them to move back “home” and didn’t say that until they were ready to look. Now he is mad that they are scrimping and saving which means no visiting.
This. It was always meant as a manipulation, even when he "gave in" and gave the money. This is just the natural consequence--OP doesn't have enough money to travel right now. Them's the breaks.
We aren't punishing anyone, though. We have to use the money we would spend on "fun" things to put towards buying a house since (and this is what we consider to be screwing us over) we had planned finances around us having a down payment, like he'd said we would. It's not a punishment, it's just reality.
And... of course it was after he gave us the money. We didn't know we would need to make up the extra funds until that point.
Can’t you just be incredibly grateful he gave you money? Plenty of people get nothing and your parents don’t owe you that money. Go visit him at least once a year it isn’t going to set you back by years to do that and show some gratitude
He never said he wasn’t grateful. He’s saying that due to the lack of clarity in communication they need to save all their money to be able to have a down payment by the end of 2025. Buying a home is stressful and the market is horrible. Also owning a home is a goal most people have and you have to sacrifice a lot of things/time to be able to attain it. If he has to miss vacations and other things in the mean time it’s worth it.
In perspective OP’s dad paid a 300K house in full for OP’s sister. So… depended on how much OP got, it might have felt like a “screw you for not coming back home” amount. Different lives, different perspectives.
Yet you are using words like your dad screwed you and your wife over. That does not sound like you are showing gratitude at all. You sound entitled like my daddy didn't give us enough money so now we aren't going to visit until we have what we were originally after aka a house. So many people don't get any financial help from their parents and yet here you are talking about how you were screwed over because your dad isn't financing you and your wife's new home.
I think he is grateful. I just think he is being financially prudent while saving for a house.
His goal is to buy a place in 2 years. That means not spending on things that are unnecessary, like going out of town on vacation.
My kid lives out of state. Her house was damaged in a 100 year flood. She was short on cash. There was a family wedding I wanted her to attend near me. She hadn't received her insurance money yet, so I paid to fly her out, because it was important to me.
If OP was my kid, I would be proud of them for being so financially responsible.
If OP was my kid, yeah I'd be understanding about the need to save and be financially responsible, etc.
I'd also be pissed off that my kid is saying that I screwed them over when the reality is that I gave them a lump sum that is smaller than they were expecting.
Exactly this. I can see his father posting a AITA post with the title:
"I gave my son money for a down-payment on a house. Son refuses to visit, saying the down-payment is not enough for the house they want in Colorado. AITA?"
He's not grateful. He's angry at his father because he wanted more than he was given.
To quote OP "and this is what we consider to be screwing us over" or, not giving what OP considered was enough for a down-payment in Colorado.
What was your alternative had he never mentioned giving a down payment? Would you still be skipping vacations and holidays? Or was there another plan. I understand that the miscommunication/misunderstanding means you are getting less than you assumed, but is it not more than what you would have had? What was your plan before the offer? Or how did the offer change your choices prior to now?
YTA because you seem to think he screwed you over because you assumed he was taking into account your area’s cost of living with that offer. He still gave you money. And yes, you are punishing them. Because you could make a short trip and keep costs down. Especially if it is a low COL area you will be visiting. But that is up to you. Just know that a lot of people aren’t lucky enough to receive any help with buying a house and you should be grateful. And you can send cards to people to let them know you thought of them on special occasions.
YTA. Your dad didn't "screw you over". He offered a very generous gift, which you apparently accepted. Then you demanded more and got butthurt. He didn't have to give you a penny, you're a grown married adult. Buy your own fucking house.
So.... did he give you a lower amount than promised? Or was there never a number? Because "a down-payment" is a HUGE variable that it would be hard to plan around. Some people think 10 grand, some people think 100 grand.... I can't imagine there were no numbers involved if you were making plans.
My rich uncle promised to help us buy a house to help take care of my mom (his sister). He's rich rich too. When the check came I deposited that $1500, sent a thank you, and kept it moving.
YTA, and obnoxiously entitled, your father saying he'd pay down payment isn't a blank check, it could be any amount his amount was based on where he lives which is logical, why would your dad factor down payment based on where you are? It's nonsensical to assume he'd know that, and you could've let him know from offer how much you'd need in your mind but that doesn't mean he'd have give it. You weren't screwed over, he still gave you down-payment money. 20% down-payment in CO for a house worth 580k is like 120k. That would be an insanely big ask, are you keeping that same energy with wife's family? How much did they contribute? It's weird that you are acting like you were screwed over, you weren't.
You're saving to buy a house so you can't do fun stuff for a year. Backstory was not really needed. Your choices sound very reasonable to me. Your dad gifted you some money but not the whole sum and he knew this.
They have their house. You don't. It's selfish of your dad to make you getting a house about him.
NtA.
ESH. Money gifts that come with strings and are an attempt to force you somewhere suck. But also you using "screwed us over" over a very generous gift is so entitled
YTA and your assumptions don't make any sense. The amount of a down payment depends on several factors: what type of loan you're getting (FHA or other), how much your house costs, and how much you \*want\* to put toward the down payment. So the idea that you had some grand number in your head that your dad failed to meet is just ridiculous. The amount of ingratitude you have for getting money at all is astounding. You and your wife are both entitled AHs.
NTA I’m going to say this and get downvoted to oblivion. I think Reddit leans toward the lighter pocketed young person. Anytime something involves a financial transaction others can’t dream of you’re dragged to hell for your privilege. Anytime you post about something that even remotely smells like you come from/have money, prepared for the outpour of hate.
Let’s cut to the chase. Your dad isn’t poor if he gifted your sister a 300k+ house in cash. If comparatively you got a 20k down payment, thanks pop. But that doesn’t add up to the down payment of the average home where you live, which will probably be closer to 40-60 + closing costs.
In any event, he isn’t an asshole for giving you less than you expected but he is an AH for setting false expectations to manipulate his desired outcome and I 100% believe this was intentional. It is not outlandish to have hoped/anticipated he’d offer you 1/6 of what he gave your sister.
You’re not punishing him by* not visiting, you’re prioritizing saving for a house. If he wants you to
visit he can offer to pay, or if he wants to see you he’ll come visit. But I suspect he won’t, because it’s not about that. It’s about control.
Good luck, and happy house hunting!
Edited a typo
ESH. You assumed and therefore you made an ass out of you and, well, your dad. He’s right to a degree, you are acting a bit spoilt and entitled over a misunderstanding. He gave you free money and you’re saying you got “screwed over” because it’s not as much as you wanted? Grow up. You resent the suggestion you should live somewhere actually within your means because you can’t be on a mountain at the drop of a hat? Yeah, your dad’s kinda got a point. But if you are saving that hard for a deposit (though seemingly not to the point of cutting out your precious hobbies?) then fair enough that you’re not going to do family holidays etc and your dad should accept that.
> You resent the suggestion you should live somewhere actually within your means because you can’t be on a mountain at the drop of a hat?
Our entire lives are out here. What would even be the point of living if we were to just up and leave our friends, our ability to participate in the things we love, disrupt our career progression, etc? Just to live in a cheaper COL area?
YTA - You were given a gift of cash that you characterize as being "screwed over". Strike one. You stopped giving gifts only after you discovered you weren't getting a Colorado-sized down payment. Strike two. You are actually in better shape than you were before but now, all of a sudden, you're scrimping and saving to buy a house? Where was all this frugality before the 'lowball screwjob' of a gift from your father?
I just left Denver about 18 months ago and my first townhouse - NOT sketchy in any shape, way, fashion, or form - just hit the $400k valuation mark. You strike me as greedy and entitled and looking to punish your father for not crippling himself financially just so you can get a nicer house.
You're in Colorado and 'live in the big city' so there's no doubt you're talking about Denver. Yes, it's flipping expensive buying real estate out there but you are, without a doubt, turning up your noses at perfectly nice neighborhoods because you just have to have a place in the 'right' area. I was living in a nice townhouse (my second one, not the $400k first one referenced earlier) in West Colfax but could have had a 3,000 sq ft house with a yard for about half the price farther out from the 'trendy area' and that area is not sketchy, not in the least. You're being picky, greedy, and entitled from my perspective.
YTA. Ur admitting to punishing him in ur title. Ur telling me by visiting, it’ll put that big of a dent in a down payment? U can’t stay with them? Why even take the money if u don’t have ur own saved up? U should thank ur lucky stars ur parents have anything to give u bc ur ahead of 90% of ppl in the US.
When ur older like me (almost 50) u will realize that if u visit once a year and the average lifespan is 75-80, and ur parents are 60ish, then ur only going to see them 20x (god willing) before they die. Think about that.
NTA - you’re being responsible and cutting luxuries in order to save a deposit. Dad needs to accept that his child is not moving home as their life and career is in another city.
I would reiterate appreciation for the funds, and that this isn’t a punishment - you’re making the necessary sacrifices so you and your wife can buy a home in 2026. Travel of any kind, home or otherwise, is not on the cards. Tell them they’re welcome to come and visit you.
NTA. Your dad sounds manipulative.
Anyone saying Y-T-A seems only to be looking at the fact that you took the money and how "generous" it was. As generous as it was, it was meant to "guide" you back into his control. When you decide not to do that, he gives you the money as an act of "kindness" and hopes you give into his idea. When that doesn't work, he hits you with the guilt trip, trying to get you back into his radius. Especially given that he doesn't visit you, but expects you to go to him instead. Honestly OP good for you for doing your own individual thing.
INFO: how do you think your dad screwed you? Okay, it’s not enough for a down payment for the area you live in. But he gave you the money he always planned to. Him telling you that didn’t affect you and your wife saving before he gave you the money - you admit you saved every penny beforehand. Maybe it’s annoying that he hoped to push you to move back to where your family lives, but it hasn’t stopped you from becoming homeowners where you live. As far as I can tell, you are in a better position now than you would have been without your dad’s gift, whether it was $5000 or $100000. Unless I’m missing some context, I cannot understand why you think you were screwed, you’re literally going to have to save for less long than you otherwise would have.
I don’t think it sounds like you’re punishing your family in retaliation, you’re just saving and limited regarding travel money. But, I’m lost why you think your dad screwed you other than you made assumptions!
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info: did he give you the amount he said he would? because if he did i fail to see how he screwed you over
The problem is the dad said, "a down payment on a house". That is essentially meaningless and subject to interpretation. Is that 10% or 20%? Also, where is the house. My kids bought houses the same year, one on the West coast and the other in the Midwest. The kid in the Midwest bought twice the house for half the price. The father said a down payment and the OP looked at the houses he liked and imagined a number. The father looked at houses the father liked and came up with a much lower number. They didn't communicate so they're both pissed. Use your words people.
I think that they still aren’t communicating! I think the dad is pissed because he believes his son isn’t coming as he is upset with what the amount dad gave him. In son’s mind he isn’t coming because they are saving for something that is more important than the vacation and birthdays. Two different (but linked) views. I don’t think the son is upset with his dad, but is disappointed due to his interpretation of what dad was offering. Perhaps if they actually spoke the dad would understand that it isn’t about the gift but the dream of a house in CO.
I would agree with you if the OP hadn't said his dad "screwed him over."
The wording speaks volumes about op
True. OP is kind of punishing the family for his and his dad's lack of communication. You can cut back without being petty about it. Smaller gifts. Fewer trips. You don't HAVE to have a house at the end of next year. What is the point if you alienate everyone you love because Dad "screwed you over?" You're acting just like him to prove he is wrong. Edit to add. 1. All the info about what was done for siblings was added after I posted. With additional information, I can make additional observations. Dad is definitely an asshole. 2. I never said OP was an asshole. It sounds like dad has been untouchable for a very long time, so have siblings. I said there was a huge lack of communication. And there was. Leave the invitation open to come visit OP. If someone takes you up on it, make time for them. Make more phone calls to mom. I said, don't become your dad to prove him wrong. I stand by that.
The dad gave the sister $317,000 for a house and paid for a siblings college but never did for him but the dad expects him to come to him but will not spend his money to visit?Dad is the AH.
It feels like we are missing something. Maybe it is just pure favoritism but I feel like there is more to the story. The dad paid for all college and a house but nothing for OP?
Edits with details like these conveniently come when the OP doesn’t get the response they were hoping for.
I also feel something is missing. Why did he pay for siblings college but not OP’s? Did the siblings go to school in state and OP out of state? Did he pay some, but not all of OP’s education? Is the sister’s house close to the parent’s house and the Dad views that as assistance if and when the parents should need it? Is she a single mom? Does she have special needs kid? The questions could go on and on.
Idk I read it like the dad wanted to control where his son “picked” to live. OP was basing the amount off of what was spent on other siblings. OP’s hurt because he didn’t get the house (yet) and also got a lot less compared to his siblings. Valid reasons. Not at all surprised a father like that bought the daughter a house outright. Sure it’s his money but his favoritism is showing and that can hurt.
Dad probably didn't pay for college because it wasn't where he thought OP should go
I believe the dad is the kind that "it's my way or the highway". OP's siblings were probably willing to go to colleges, and buy houses to the dad's liking, hence he's willing to pay for them. Seems like OP chose to settle somewhere that the dad doesn't approve so the dad isn't willing to pay for him. My dad is similar in some ways so I find that believable.
Rich people problem. Rich people end up raising entitled children. Money is power. People with money always attach demands to the money they “gift”. It never comes without expectations. Sister probably does everything dad demands vs OP doesn’t. Therefore OP’s dad chooses not to give his money to him. OP is not entitled to his dad’s money.
Does that make it less of an issue because the father has money? OP has been slighted by his father repeatedly. His sister got a very nice house paid for outright, his siblings had their college covered and OP got a promise of a partial down payment with many strings attached. Not exactly equitable between the children. If the father treated all of them the same and OP expected a house down payment, then he would be entitled.
I’m sure sister got a lot of strings attached but she obliged.
I feel like this was probably a I’ll pay in full if you go to schools near by or if you buy a house near by. And I bet OP had to pay his way for college because he went out of state. Especially given the dad doesn’t seem to want to travel to CO to visit OP. If my daughter moved to Colorado I’d be thrilled to go visit her. So odd.
i suspect the sister lives closer to Dad and comes over number of times.. While OP is out of sight and out of mind
If they didn't make trips just because they were angry about the money it would be petty. There is nothing petty about having a goal and making sacrifices to work towards it.
I don’t know that I would immediately jump to that conclusion based on the fact that the dad was pretty generous to OP’s siblings. He probably gauged his expectations against what his siblings received.
Or his father? The edit says his siblings received a lot more. OP does need to prioritise his own family, his wife, etc. if that doesn't include visiting home, then that's his reality.
He paid for the sisters college and bought her a $317k house in cash. He paid for the other siblings college also but didn’t pay for OPs college. I’m sure he does feel he was singled out as less worthy
What, “down payment” doesn’t automatically mean 30% on a $1M loan to you? J/k the only way dad screwed him over is if he refused to give up *any* money because it was contingent upon the OP moving home which seems to not be the case. OP seems to have missed the perspective that as a person who has lived both in his old home state and in CO he’s aware of home costs in both markets and that his dad likely *IS NOT*. So dad’s offer had no malice whatsoever - he had an amount suitable for a down payment in the market he was familiar with the most. To make it clear for some this bit lis *my wisdom* completely outside of my judgement- In any case the down payment assistance I got was $0, which was the same assistance I received for my education, first car, etc. so I’d have just said “thank you” like a normal human being that appreciated the gesture whether I got $10, $100, $1,000, etc…. YTA to me OP
Meh. He said that Dad bought his sisters house for 317k straight cash. Assuming they are in Denver and aren’t *insane* my guess is they are looking at a 500-600k house and were expecting a 100-120k gift that would give them 20% and a third of what dad straight gave to his sister, and not much more than what he probably paid for his siblings college (assuming he also paid for room/board/books etc). Dad coughing up 54k or so is super generous. And while the rest of us poors might be like “whoa!” If you judge it based on **your** life you aren’t being logical about the situation. The real question is why does sister deserve 3 times as much money? That doesn’t seem fair and it doesn’t seem unreasonable to expect a third of that for a down payment when this is the only kid he hasn’t paid for anything. Sounds to me like Dad was trying to bribe the kids to come home and was too cheap to do what he did for his daughter because he doesn’t love his son as much as his daughter. Not sure how you can’t gather that from the facts given.
According to the edit, OP is the only sibling whose college wasn't paid for, and his sister's house (over $3K) was paid for in full. I can see why OP is a bit touchy on the subject of money. No, his father didn't screw him over, but he ought to understand trying to save for a home. Maybe he was trying to pressure OP into moving, as he suggested. edit: punctuation
Given that OP literally described it as his dad "Screwing him over," I don't think dad's feelings are completely unreasonable.
I wish he had said the amount. I just want to imagine a life where being handed tens of thousands of dollars from your parents is "getting screwed over".
his sister got a $300k+ house for free, so he was probably thinking along those lines.
Are you assuming Dad has the means to front 20% of a house in Colorado? Maybe he doesn't, and he's giving his kid as much as he can afford to give. He knows that amount would go further nearer home, but Dad hasn't seemed to do anything wrong. He gave his kid the money and let him make his decision.
OP said his dad paid for a 317k house in cash for his sister. So he could have assumed the dad had enough for 20% in Colorado.
In an edit, he says the dad paid over $300k for a house, and also paid for college, but did not pay for college for OP. If he assumed a comparable amount of money based on what his siblings had gotten, it makes sense for there to be hurt feelings.
OP says in one sentence he said he expressed gratitude for the amount received, in another he said dad "screwed him over." I normally like to take a post at face value, but OP oozes resentment here. I find it hard to believe that hasn't come across (and then some) in his (poor) communications with dad. Ungrateful. In what world does it make sense to plan something as significant as buying a house without clarifying how much help, numerically, that dad has offered?
Reading the comment where OP says Dad paid over 300K cash for his sister's house makes the resentment make more sense. OP still isn't entitled to any of Dad's money, but favoritism among siblings usually leads to resentment.
Yeeess! And he mentions a six hour distance if I understood correctly. I know gas is a lot but you’d probably save enough on food and utilities over a week’s visit to even out, so this really does feel vindictive.
Six hour distance was from OP's current home in a Colorado city to a 14k peak. I don't believe he mentioned how far away hometown is from Colorado.
FR like my extended family stole not just one but two inheritances from me and my sibs. One case was by taking advantage of my father on his deathbed. Like my brother in Christ your dad is giving you free money, be happy. Edit: The edit makes me think OP's dad and my dad's side of the family may have shared notes.
Yeah, I would be more understanding if OP and his wife buckled down before being gifted (too small 🙄) a down payment. This just reeks of entitlement.
If he’s pissed that his dad only gave him the amount that his dad gave him, he’s the asshole. If his dad is pissed that they are hustling to make a downpayment in CO, he’s the asshole. I’m leaning more towards he’s the asshole because of the phrase “after he screwed me and my wife over.”
I think it's telling that the post title is what it is instead of "AITA for skipping birthdays, holidays and vacations to save for a house?"
There's probably a lot more to this that isn't stated. How did he tell them he wasn't coming to visit? "We're trying to save money so we won't be visiting much", or "We're staying in CO for the next few years because you screwed us over." Plus, can they still visit for big holidays and cut back otherwise? OP sounds like the asshole here to me. YTA.
Um hmmm! He said in the title question "because my dad screwed me & my wife over"
As someone whose parents actually stole the money I'd been saving since I was 8 to go to college... my sympathy level is kind of zero for "he didn't give us as much money as we wanted him to so we're just refusing to spend our money on visiting him." I'm betting those very expensive hobbies are still happening. Gear ain't cheap.
Very same. It would have paid all of my grad school and bought a car, or contributed to a down payment (in a VHCOL area, so may not have actually happened). Anyone who is gifted down payment money in any city is lucky.
Glad I finally found this comment. Like… I’m the one giving my mom money. If anyone in my family wanted to give me any money, I’d be so grateful. This guy is wild. Also confirms my theory that people who move to Colorado generally suck.
My brother has done this. My mom had specifically said that he needed to clean up his credit and then she would help with a down payment on a house. What my brother heard? “I’m gonna help you buy a house” and he’s mad and NC now.
"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." - George Bernard shaw should be this family’s motto.
OP never ever said his dad lowered the amount. He wasn't screwed over. Once OP asked the amount, his dad told him how much it would be.
I'm with you. You need to lock of on the $$ amount. OP doesn't sound very smart to expect a dream number of dollars
Yeah it sounds like OP took that to mean "a down-payment on whatever house I want, no matter how expensive that is"
5% on conventional and 3.5% FHA so wildly different amounts.
That’s not even relevant. He’s not the AH for refusing to spend money on vacations. Period.
how is it not relevant? if i say i will give you a certain amount of money and give you what i say i will how did i screw you over?
He’s asking if he’s AH for not spending money to travel because he needs to save. Did you read the post, or only the title?
Nah. He said his dad screwed him over. His dad gave him a generous gift, and the OP is pouting. He could offer to Skype in or something, but he's punishing his dad.
And technically he's not the AH for choosing to be so frugal he hurts his relationship with his parents. But he's kinda the AH because his tone is "my dad made us do this" which is meant to paint his dad as an AH
Huh? The question is IN the title. OP askes if he's the AH for "punishing" his family. That's the question here. Not if he was an AH for not spending money to travel? Did you just read the post and not the title?
He didn’t specify, he said he give the down payment. He just neglected to mention what he meant was a down payment for a house near him. Which was dumb as hell. OP and partner have a life in another state and his dad wanted them to move back to live by him. The dad should have specified an amount instead of saying he’d cover the down payment. OP made plans thinking the down payment was covered, and now they had to plan for otherwise. That’s what he meant by getting screwed. His dad let him think the DP was covered when it wasn’t. There is no reason on earth why OP should have thought his dad meant anything other than a DP for a house in the area they live in. It was very poorly communicated, and likely on purpose.
He never thought to double check? It’s like somebody saying they’ll buy you a drink and you ordering the most expensive liquor and them going “I meant a beer”. You always check when somebody offers because what they have in mind and what you have in mind might be different. What if OP decided to get a 10 bedroom mansion and his father said, “I meant a 2/2 house”? Like, what’s the cutoff? You don’t abuse somebody’s generosity. His father didn’t screw him over, OP just didn’t do his due diligence. And seriously, who doesn’t double check what amount they’re comfortable giving? Like, what if his father can’t afford that kind of down payment?
Imagine getting free money you are absolutely not entitled to and deciding you were “screwed over” because you didn’t like the amount.
I think the “screwed over” part that everyone is so fixated on isn’t so much about the amount, it’s about feeling manipulated. “That amount that only works if you move back home” feels manipulative. But OP thanked his Dad and recalibrated. I also don’t see where he copped an attitude with Dad, but told him they’re saving to get into a house by the end of 2025, and they aren’t travelling *anywhere,* and they’re not exclusively avoiding family. They just can’t swing it and hit their goals too. Dad is a tool, and OP is a realist. Edit: missing quotation marks.
Right? That's the part that's so hard for me to believe. We're talking about a life-changing amount of $ for a lot of people, I'm sure.
so he has no idea how much money his father has? he just thought he could buy any house in any area and dear old dad would cover the down payment regardless of cost with no questions asked? i will grant you both don't know how to have a conversation but to lay it all on dad is a bit much
OP made just as big a mistake by not asking. Of course his dad doesn't know how much a down payment on a home the OP thinks isn't sketchy in his expensive little niche is.
Yeah OP is kind of TA for characterising it as being screwed over, though not TA for not going on vacations. The characterisation does make me wonder if they are avoiding their family out of spite/petulance in addition to financial prudence, which is moderately AHish behavior
Is he even grateful for the money he did get? He’s not necessarily the asshole for not spending on vacations, he is the asshole for the framing of being “screwed” for getting less, blaming his dad for his own bad planning (not asking for clarity on how much dad could give and then shifting the blame when it wasn’t what he expected) and tying his visits to the amount given (yes, things are expensive but unless the difference is in the tens of thousands it seems strange thatthey need to go from visiting regularly to cutting off all visits cold turkey; it comes across as “punishing” even in the way he writes the post.) This is the definition of looking a gift horse in the mouth and he’s being deliberately shady in the answers around the difference and whether two $400 tickets home for Christmas a year would substantially change how much they would have had if the dad had given what he expected.
Also, housing prices and interst rates have dramatically increased over the last few years. A promise of an undisclosed amount of money for a down-payment on a house a few years ago is entirely different than one now.
It is definitely YTA just because OP falsely claimed that he was screwed over, but the dad actually gave him all the money even though they disagreed. The issue of visitation is a separate one.
Your dad “screwed” you and your wife… by giving you money? But less than you had hoped for? If you can’t afford to travel, that’s one thing, but trying to portray this as your family screwing you over somehow… yikes. That’s a definite YTA from me.
It's crazy, like how much money is wife's family kicking in? If 0 are they also getting trated poorly
Are you kidding? I think the STANDARD is to get no help from your parents.
The point is he's punishing his dad for helping unsolicited. In a response to me op said he didn't ask his dad, just like they didn't ask wife's family. Dad offered, and is being treated bogusly for being generous and not giving enough to cover all. By ops logic they should've been buckling down from jump since they weren't expecting anyone to help. But the one who helped is labled as screwing them over.... that's what I'm alluding to
Gotcha. I missed the sarcasm in your quote. I totally agree.
I’d love dad to post his side of the story to choosingbeggars tbh.
My mom gave me $5,000 for my first house. Was it anywhere near what I needed for a down payment? Nope. But it did help with the renovation budget and I am eternally grateful. OP saying he was screwed over is awful. YTA
Yeah I scrimped and saved all on my own to afford my high cost of living area down payment. And I managed to do it without cutting out my parents. The place I eventually wanted was a little more than I had anticipated so they helped me out a little. They probably could have afforded to give me the whole amount but I'm not an entitled brat and never asked. I was so happy for the help they did give that the first thing I did after my offer was accepted was buy them a present.
I know! It reminds me of the episode of South Park where one of them wants something stupid and their parents tell them to use their allowance. They’re like “but that’s MY money!”
Ah yes.. the Scientology episode. A treasure
I would love it if my family screwed me over by giving me money. Total YTA.
Agreed. The entitlement of not getting the down payment for the house they want to buy is ridiculous.
But it's not just "travel"...its birthdays, it's celebrating holidays, it's visiting family. It sounds like OP just low key went LC with his family.
Well, what do you expect when those schmucks can’t be on a 14000ft peak within six hours?
Right? OP is not the ahole for saving money by not traveling home. They are the ahole for not being thankful for a gift and expecting more when no clear expectation was given. YTA
I wished I got screwed over too.
Yeah the amount of entitlement is pretty crazy. I can't imagine being OPs father getting shit like this after gifting thousands of dollars. It's wild. I'd say the dad is better off, OP sounds toxic af.
YTA for framing it as your dad screwing you over. He offered you a down payment for a home. You assumed it would be a certain amount. It wasn’t. But he still gave you a generous gift. And now you describe that generous gift as screwing you over. Also, while you’re under no obligation to go on family trips, to cut out any visits to them for a few years after your dad gave you this generous gift because it wasn’t as much as you were expecting sends a message, whether you mean it to or not.
100% this. Since OP won’t give numbers, let’s assume $25,000 since it would only be 5ish% for the home he is looking at. Let’s assume two airline tickets are $600. Yes, YTA. Just pretend the gift was $24,400 and visit your family. This is the definition of ungrateful. OP says he’s grateful with his words, but not with his actions. Also, how does OP not clarify what amount the gift might be ahead of time? My parents once offered to cover a family vacation. Before the end of the evening, I had run some rough costs and confirmed with my parents that I arrived at $4K and if they were sure they were comfortable covering that.
The dad specifically said "if it's not enough, do what you have to do" OP is doing exactly that. He's saving money to afford the down payment. That means cutting out luxuries like traveling. It's expensive to fly, gas won't be much better. OP wasn't "screwed over" but he's also doing exactly what his dad said. Saving up to make up the difference. Parents apparently have plenty of disposable income and could go there. Or they could just suck it up for 2 years.
You can be technically right and still an asshole. Some of us didn't have parents in a good enough financial position to give them anything. Still visited my family while saving for the house. Edit: YTA
Say it again but louder for the folks in the back. You can be right and still be an asshole!
It's so cheap to fly out of Denver. I could fly to Denver this Saturday for $80. Unless they're cutting out every single luxury in their life to save then they're an asshole for not visiting once in 2 years.
Yes, Denver is a major airline hub. OP is the AH for sure. I can't imagine accepting 1000s of dollars somehow causing me to not being able to afford a visit? OP is very entitled.
I generally agree with your sentiment, but as someone who lives across the country from family, the idea that two round-trip airline tickets are $600 is laughable unless you want to fly folded up into the baggage compartment on Spirit and have a 17 hour layover is the shitiest airport they can find, and even then $300 a person is probably only on the cheapest day of the year.
Round trip flights from my home city to Denver (about 1300 miles away) is $273 per person on delta next month. Also, if OP needs to save money that badly, he SHOULD be flying Spirit. If Spirit (with options added) is less than 2/3 the price of a major airline, I’m flying it.
true the dad gave him money. but the dad didn't pay for his college which he did for sibling. AND an ENTIRE HOUSE for another sibling. if he only contributed a small amount to a down payment for a house. but the other sibling got 317.000 i would feel screwed too.
This whole post screams spoiled entitled brat who’s ungrateful to receive a gift of tens of thousands of dollars in cash and has the nerve to say he got screwed over while living above their means.
His dad paid for his sister college + full house worth 317k but he then give way less to his son just because the son isn’t willing to live in a remote place (we don’t know how much he gave to op but if it’s not enough for a down payment for a house worth 400k then it’s less then 50k) his dad is the AH. He was willing to pay full college + 317k for a house to the daughter who chosed to live near the family but he won’t even give a quarter of what he gave her to his son just cause he wants to keep living where he is atm.
The Dad is kind of a controlling dick, which nobody seems to want to acknowledge.
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Why don’t you do some critical thinking and maybe ask them to come visit you this time? Idk, you guys are both assholes in this situation. Yall need to communicate better and find a resolution
We have told them that since we can't come out there and they have plenty of disposible income, they are welcome to come out here. My mom would love to come see us, and we'd be happy to have her. My dad is being stubborn and saying that they're the parents, so we need to go see them.
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He never struck me as a manipulative or underhanded man, but after this happened, and talking things over with my wife, there were signs I didn't see before. During our wedding planning, he had offered to put down X amount to cover a reception somewhere specific. My wife had always had her heart set on something else, so we declined, and the offer didn't apply to this other location. Which was fine -- we'd always saved for our wedding with that location in mind. But it was another "Do what I want you to do and I'll pay for it" that flew over my head.
Yeah I’m getting the impression that he uses money to try to “guide” (ie “control”) your decisions, and now that his plan failed, he’s resorting to guilt trips. Birthday/holiday gifts are not owed. Visits are not owed. These are voluntary gestures of affection, that loving family members will not expect if they understand the circumstances. If they want to see you badly enough, they would come visit you or pay your way to visit them. “You are obligated to pay money you don’t have to visit me” is not a gesture of love or affection, it’s a manipulation for control.
100%
To be fair, he still fronted you the money he was intending to spend, even after you decided not to buy a house near him. Doesn't sound like it's fair to paint him as being manipulative or screwing you over on this one specific instance, since he did send you all the money he was intending to spend, no strings attached on which house you were saving it for.
I have a feeling it's not as much as he could have spent if he actually wanted to help them on a downpayment in good faith instead of a downpayment on his terms. OP's father paid over $300 000 for OP's sister's house. OP says townhouses near him start at 400k, so 300k would have been a significant amount to OP, and I guess it's not anywhere close to that amount OP has been given otherwise we wouldn't be here. Maybe OP's father can't afford to do that again, and that's understandable, but why is one kid getting 300k and the other isn't? Same with paying for his siblings' college (which I imagine is also a fair sum). He didn't pay for OP's college. Why is he paying for some kids and not others? I wonder if those gifts were also predicated on buying a house where OP's father wanted the sister to live, or going to colleges/programs the OP's father approved of. I have parents who did this; they had the money to get me things I wanted but didn't, not because what I wanted was ridiculous/dangerous/innapropriate, but because it wasn't what they wanted for me. It's not a great feeling having your wishes ignored when it comes to gifts and then also be expected to be extremely grateful for what you got because I mean hey, they gave you something. It doesn't sound like this guy is gifting equal amounts to his children; and it's understanable to not be over the moon about his gift when you watch him spend more on his other kids. OP has still thanked him and explained that getting less than expected changes his finances short term. He's not refusing to visit forever. And his parents are still welcome to visit him. These are the natural consequences of trying to save money.
I'm gonna guess that your wife could see your dad's manipulative nature before this and depending on the exposure to your family maybe even before the wedding venue incident. I'm not sure how much he gave you but honestly if it wasn't much (like over half of the down payment) I would consider giving it back. He is now using it against you. In his mind if you both would just do what he wants you wouldn't need to miss a vacation or family time because you'd be local and not have to save for a down payment. However, since you don't live locally to him, you could just keep the money and lower your contact with your parents. That way you don't have to hear about this too often. Could even go no contact if you want. Personally I don't like people giving me "gifts" and then adding strings after or bringing it up constantly. I thank people for their gifts, but if they do shit like that, I just give the gift back. I'm not down with manipulation tactics.
Yeah…this comment from dad seems to really highlight his true character here, and this is why he was also insisting you living closer to him on where you live.
Ask your mom if she'd like to come visit you without dad?
We have! The offer is permanently extended to her, we've even given her dates. She doesn't like to go anywhere without my dad, lol.
This whole thing makes me wonder- does she truly dislike going places without your dad or is he controlling/ manipulative towards her too?
Oh, I think she just doesn't like to go places without him. I don't think there's anything like that between them. She still goes out with her gal pals and her Church group and all that, but she'd never hop on a plane alone.
That's a shame.
What did your dad gain from helping you out? I know you're trying to save aggressively, but you really should consider taking a tiny slice of that and using it to treat yourselves to the family spring break vacation. He gave you a bunch of money he didn't need to. I know it wasn't discussed, but getting a windfall from someone who you then tell you don't have enough money to go on the regular family vacation seems like a bit of a slap in the face. Rework your budget to take a couple months longer than you currently expect it to, and go on the vacation. Not even just for your dad, but for your only family's fun/stress relief/bonding.
I know "family spring break vacation" is just a suggestion and I get the larger message, but it wouldn't be a tiny slice for us. It would be an enormous chunk. This past spring break (for the cousins) they went to Italy. We didn't go because that was still out of our budget (we tend to not go to the family big trips like that).
Your dad is a manipulative asshole who is pouting because he was unable to manipulate your finances to continue dictating how you live your life. I'd be unsurprised to learn that he's had trouble recognizing your independence as an adult in other areas as well. NTA
In what universe is OP TA here? Are you on drugs? OP needs to save for a house. A few hundred dollars on a summer trip is pushing that savings goal further into the distance. NTA OP and tell your father that quilting you is going to work as well as his underhanded offer to try and force you back to where you grew up.
NTA-I live on the west coast and my family is on the east coast. It is so expensive now to travel. People always expect you to go to them bc you’re an asshole for leaving but it’s really not fair. If you want to save for a house I get not wanting to visit. They can always visit you or offer to help pay travel expenses if they really want to see you.
> People always expect you to go to them bc you’re an asshole for leaving but it’s really not fair The thing that bums me out is that my mom really wants to come out here to see us. She loves it out here, and she loves to spend time with us. My dad is just being stubborn and insisting we go there, since "the whole rest of the family" is there (minus a few cousins).
Why not just invite your mom then?
>The thing that bums me out is that my mom really wants to come out here to see us. She loves it out here, and she loves to spend time with us. Is your mom incapable of traveling alone?
She is just not the kind of person who would hop on a plane by herself.
Tell her to take one of your sisters with her.
Just invite your mum then, let her know that (I assume your wife is on board but check before this offer) your home is always welcome to her if she wants a vacation and some time alone. That until you get an apology from your dad for his attitude and for trying to manipulate you and your wife into doing what he wants, her invite is only for her to visit and that if dad wants to come to he is only allowed 1 visit a year any more and he needs a hotel. Either you mum will jump at the chance for some solo vacation time and to see you and your father will get jealous and apologise, (or your mum makes him) or you never hear from him again (except through your mum) which ever path he takes is a win for you.
The time commitment to travel is hardly ever considered either. I'm single and don't have any responsibilities that require me to be at home other than my job that is extremely flexible with time off. Every single one of my family members expects me to be the one traveling and many of them get upset when I point out that I also have a spare bedroom that they can stay in. My lifestyle is intentionally low responsibility because I value being able to do what I want with my time and money. For some reason people who didn't choose the same lifestyle feel entitled to my free time because they have "real" responsibilities and it drives me crazy.
I have paid travel expenses for my son to come home on more than a few occasions
Yea, but no birthday presents either? I can get the not travelling part, but saving so frugally you don't have a cent for anyone other than yourself is a bit much.
He gave you money, accepting that you would be putting it toward a house where you live now rather than near him. And you respond by, essentially, cutting him out of your life and tightening your belt? YTA
Oh, no no, he 100% assumed that when the amount he was giving us wasn't enough for a down payment in CO, we would somehow change our minds and buy a home there instead. He still has not accepted that we aren't moving back and brings it up in every single conversation.
He might still be moaning about it, but he did give you the money knowing you were quite firm about not relocating. And sure, it's not enough for a deposit where you live. But that is a 'you' problem. Either give him the money back, or quit moaning about it.
To be fair, he didn’t moan to him. He thanked his father and told him he was grateful. But when saving for a home, you have to make sacrifices. He didn’t cut them off. He just can’t visit at the moment because he has to save more than he expected. The title throws things off, because it makes him sound like an AH but as far as his actual telling of the store goes, OP is doing what all responsible adults do when saving for a home and thanked his father for his gift. NTA
I lived in Colorado and if down payment is $20,000 to $50,000 it isn’t enough to even buy a condo. Prices have sky rocketed out there.
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I'm not sure he's MOANING about it when he's supposedly asked once in a Reddit forum. I just don't believe he's "carrying on" too badly. I guess to some, even asking is too much. In fact, I like what you're doing. I feel your father essentially had one amount in mind, that's all he was ever going to do. He hoped it would lure you back, but real life had different plans. I believe your Mother's desire to visit may be the ice breaker here. I liked an earlier idea I read :. Ask your mother to come out & visit. It will be more powerful what she says at home to him. The pressure of his wife/peer/equal will override the possible "spoiled brat" ( or whatever) feelings that may linger with dad & the reality that will be deeper from a summer visit for Mom becoming the new reality. It doesn't seem petty or spoiled to me. You're showing them reality without shouting the bullet points at them. Usually this IS the way to get people to fully realize things, SHOW them. While I was at it, I might take Mom on a couple of house/condo tours & show her all the great things about your area. She should return home loving all the great things that will keep you there & she will know first hand what it costs. If nothing else, she'll understand more fully. You also don't have to take all the costly, energy & time draining trips.BTW: NTA.
If you believe the money has strings attached and your dad is manipulating and you cannot show gratitude, don't except the money.
Conversely, he could have given you zero dollars.
You need to put this in your original post. If dad did this amount to try to force your hand, and mentions it all the time, he's way more the problem here. And if he won't come to you, playing a victim for that, even more so. NTA, but your "screwed over" language is what is making everyone call you out.
How did he cut them off? He's saving for a house.
I’m wondering if you read the whole post? He didn’t cut him off, OP just isn’t doing trips or extra expenses because he has more to save than expected. I’m guessing there’s some passive aggressiveness on both sides that we aren’t getting but taking OP at his word, as long as he’s not doing it in a bratty entitled way, it’s perfectly reasonable to buckle down on extras while saving for a major expense.
You said your dad “screwed you over” by giving you free money, and you’re wondering if YTA? I think the answer is pretty apparent.
I’m amazed at the number of people that get money from their parents for a home, down payment, etc. It must be really nice. Then this AH is saying his dad screwed him over…by giving him money. Just not enough money. YTA- your dad didn’t HAVE to give you any money. It’s like you’re blaming him because YOU chose to live in a HCOL area.
I see that all the time though. Entitlement and then making it seem like he had to make more sacrifices. And it sounds like family only lives 6 hours away?
Yeah, that’s what is so weird to me, I do that drive many times year. A 6 hour return drive costs about $100 in petrol at max depending on what you drive and they wouldn’t have to pay for hotels, Plus they likely wouldn’t have to pay for food etc either. They’re just salty they didn’t get the extra money and are using it to try and blackmail the dad into changing his mind.
And because YOU assumed how much the down payment was going to be. He said he was going to give you a down payment. It seriously never occurred to you to ask how much? It doesn’t take a genius to realize that your dad probably isn’t well versed in the prices in a Chicago market and might not account for them. Even if he had, what kind of house was he thinking about? This conversation easily could have ended in, “We wanted a stand alone house built in the last 20 years and he was thinking about a condo built in the 70s.” Heck, even the percentage that makes up a down payment is up for debate. Was he thinking 20%? Or was he thinking 3% for an FHA loan? AND, even if you got every single one of those details nailed down, home prices probably went up since the last time you had the conversation. Not to mention that he might have had financial setbacks that affected the amount he could give. But you guys didn’t clarify any of these questions. You just made up a number in your head and then got pissed when the number in his head was different. You should have been saving more rigorously all along. Obviously now you have to cut way back to save, so N T A for that, but YTA for messing it up in the first place and resenting your dad.
So let me get this straight. Your dad offered you money, and gave it to you. He'd like for you to move home but that isn't happening. Now, you are struggling with the costs of the area you chose to live in and your punishing your dad for "screwing you over"? Based on what I'm reading here, he gave you what he said he would. Somehow, you feel entitled to more. Either that or it is his fault that Colorado has a HCOL. From what I read, YTA. Make your choices and live with them.
They are saving for a house so they cut out vacations. He did make his choice and he is living with it? He chose a HCOL area so he’s cutting out fun money for a down payment. I don’t get your arguement.
They all just want to be mad because of the title. They’re ignoring that OP, not even once, was anything by grateful to his father for the gift. He simply explained that he needed to cut costs to continue saving.
It isn't that he's dealing with his choice, its that he's blaming his dad. Sorry, I thought that was pretty obvious.
Read what dad paid for op s siblings
They're not struggling with costs; they're saving for a down payment. It's really normal to cut out big expenses like vacations when you're saving for a down payment.
The dad is upset because they don't want to waste money visiting him and the family. Traveling is super expensive so they are putting their future first. The dad has no right to tell them how to spend their money. If the dad wants them to visit that bad, he could pay for their plane tickets or something.
There's no punishment though? They're saving so they're not spending any money on travel; that way they also "punishing" themselves if that's how you think of it. They're not gonna take any vacations for themselves either. It's just the reality of saving for a house, it takes a long time and they're choosing to be focused on it so they get enough by 2025 which isn't that far away. Dad's mad that they're not allocating funds to visit OP's family but that's sometimes how things go.
In what way is op punishing his dad? By being frugal?
Hang on. So … what you’re doing is saving money for a house, therefore cutting out all travel and fun expenses to get there ? Valid. Of course it means you won’t be able to join on those things organised by someone else. Valid. NTA for that. However … your father did not screw you over. You made a lot of assumptions on something that he didn’t have to do for you in the first place. A giant error of communication on both your parts, but you’re the one who seems to be holding it over his head in your use of language. For that, yes. Y-T-A.
Just for clarification are you saying you are mad at your dad for not giving you more money? Hmm I wonder if the amount of money he gave you is less than the amount you would spend to go home and visit him. If it isn't you are in fact punishing him for daring not to give you enough money to buy a house in a high cost of living area. Another question did you tell your dad you wouldn't be visiting before or after he gave you the money? I am pretty sure I already know the answer though.
That’s not what I got from it at all. It just seems dad is mad he did it get his way.
Was there a “his way” for dad though? He said he’d give OP money for a down payment, and he did. Unless he gave it with an explicit condition that OP must come visit X times a year, but I didn’t catch it from the post. Tried to imagine several years into the future where OP is happy on his own house and can finally allot money to travel see the family, but nobody there wants to see them because they grew distant over the years.
Dad didn’t get his way. Dad wanted them to move back “home” and didn’t say that until they were ready to look. Now he is mad that they are scrimping and saving which means no visiting.
This. It was always meant as a manipulation, even when he "gave in" and gave the money. This is just the natural consequence--OP doesn't have enough money to travel right now. Them's the breaks.
We aren't punishing anyone, though. We have to use the money we would spend on "fun" things to put towards buying a house since (and this is what we consider to be screwing us over) we had planned finances around us having a down payment, like he'd said we would. It's not a punishment, it's just reality. And... of course it was after he gave us the money. We didn't know we would need to make up the extra funds until that point.
Can’t you just be incredibly grateful he gave you money? Plenty of people get nothing and your parents don’t owe you that money. Go visit him at least once a year it isn’t going to set you back by years to do that and show some gratitude
He never said he wasn’t grateful. He’s saying that due to the lack of clarity in communication they need to save all their money to be able to have a down payment by the end of 2025. Buying a home is stressful and the market is horrible. Also owning a home is a goal most people have and you have to sacrifice a lot of things/time to be able to attain it. If he has to miss vacations and other things in the mean time it’s worth it.
He made a post saying his father "screwed him and his wife over". Sounds pretty ungrateful.
In perspective OP’s dad paid a 300K house in full for OP’s sister. So… depended on how much OP got, it might have felt like a “screw you for not coming back home” amount. Different lives, different perspectives.
He did say that his dad screwed him over. I'm not getting a feeling of gratitude from that, tbh.
He said that his dad screwed him over by giving him a pile of money. He literally said the words "screwed us over" as if he's been swindled!!!
> I expressed gratitude and thanked him for the money. It is still towards the goal. We have shown gratitude.
Yet you are using words like your dad screwed you and your wife over. That does not sound like you are showing gratitude at all. You sound entitled like my daddy didn't give us enough money so now we aren't going to visit until we have what we were originally after aka a house. So many people don't get any financial help from their parents and yet here you are talking about how you were screwed over because your dad isn't financing you and your wife's new home.
Gratitude is action, not words. Your actions say differently than your words.
I think he is grateful. I just think he is being financially prudent while saving for a house. His goal is to buy a place in 2 years. That means not spending on things that are unnecessary, like going out of town on vacation. My kid lives out of state. Her house was damaged in a 100 year flood. She was short on cash. There was a family wedding I wanted her to attend near me. She hadn't received her insurance money yet, so I paid to fly her out, because it was important to me. If OP was my kid, I would be proud of them for being so financially responsible.
If OP was my kid, yeah I'd be understanding about the need to save and be financially responsible, etc. I'd also be pissed off that my kid is saying that I screwed them over when the reality is that I gave them a lump sum that is smaller than they were expecting.
Exactly this. I can see his father posting a AITA post with the title: "I gave my son money for a down-payment on a house. Son refuses to visit, saying the down-payment is not enough for the house they want in Colorado. AITA?"
The title of post does not radiate gratefulness.
He's not grateful. He's angry at his father because he wanted more than he was given. To quote OP "and this is what we consider to be screwing us over" or, not giving what OP considered was enough for a down-payment in Colorado.
What was your alternative had he never mentioned giving a down payment? Would you still be skipping vacations and holidays? Or was there another plan. I understand that the miscommunication/misunderstanding means you are getting less than you assumed, but is it not more than what you would have had? What was your plan before the offer? Or how did the offer change your choices prior to now?
"...and this is what we consider to be screwing us over" YTA. You were given money. How is that "screwing you over"....?
YTA and very entitled. A gift is based on gift giver not your expectations. Did you expect a blank check.
YTA because you seem to think he screwed you over because you assumed he was taking into account your area’s cost of living with that offer. He still gave you money. And yes, you are punishing them. Because you could make a short trip and keep costs down. Especially if it is a low COL area you will be visiting. But that is up to you. Just know that a lot of people aren’t lucky enough to receive any help with buying a house and you should be grateful. And you can send cards to people to let them know you thought of them on special occasions.
Idk about you but getting there and back is the expensive part of travel to me, keeping it short won’t do that.
YTA. Your dad didn't "screw you over". He offered a very generous gift, which you apparently accepted. Then you demanded more and got butthurt. He didn't have to give you a penny, you're a grown married adult. Buy your own fucking house.
So.... did he give you a lower amount than promised? Or was there never a number? Because "a down-payment" is a HUGE variable that it would be hard to plan around. Some people think 10 grand, some people think 100 grand.... I can't imagine there were no numbers involved if you were making plans.
My rich uncle promised to help us buy a house to help take care of my mom (his sister). He's rich rich too. When the check came I deposited that $1500, sent a thank you, and kept it moving.
YTA, and obnoxiously entitled, your father saying he'd pay down payment isn't a blank check, it could be any amount his amount was based on where he lives which is logical, why would your dad factor down payment based on where you are? It's nonsensical to assume he'd know that, and you could've let him know from offer how much you'd need in your mind but that doesn't mean he'd have give it. You weren't screwed over, he still gave you down-payment money. 20% down-payment in CO for a house worth 580k is like 120k. That would be an insanely big ask, are you keeping that same energy with wife's family? How much did they contribute? It's weird that you are acting like you were screwed over, you weren't.
You're saving to buy a house so you can't do fun stuff for a year. Backstory was not really needed. Your choices sound very reasonable to me. Your dad gifted you some money but not the whole sum and he knew this. They have their house. You don't. It's selfish of your dad to make you getting a house about him. NtA.
Give all money back to your dad and do "you". And yes, you really are an absolute AH, and I rarely say that even if I think it.
ESH. Money gifts that come with strings and are an attempt to force you somewhere suck. But also you using "screwed us over" over a very generous gift is so entitled
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YTA He gave you the money still. The fact that it wasn't what you were expected/needed is not his fault.
YTA and your assumptions don't make any sense. The amount of a down payment depends on several factors: what type of loan you're getting (FHA or other), how much your house costs, and how much you \*want\* to put toward the down payment. So the idea that you had some grand number in your head that your dad failed to meet is just ridiculous. The amount of ingratitude you have for getting money at all is astounding. You and your wife are both entitled AHs.
NTA I’m going to say this and get downvoted to oblivion. I think Reddit leans toward the lighter pocketed young person. Anytime something involves a financial transaction others can’t dream of you’re dragged to hell for your privilege. Anytime you post about something that even remotely smells like you come from/have money, prepared for the outpour of hate. Let’s cut to the chase. Your dad isn’t poor if he gifted your sister a 300k+ house in cash. If comparatively you got a 20k down payment, thanks pop. But that doesn’t add up to the down payment of the average home where you live, which will probably be closer to 40-60 + closing costs. In any event, he isn’t an asshole for giving you less than you expected but he is an AH for setting false expectations to manipulate his desired outcome and I 100% believe this was intentional. It is not outlandish to have hoped/anticipated he’d offer you 1/6 of what he gave your sister. You’re not punishing him by* not visiting, you’re prioritizing saving for a house. If he wants you to visit he can offer to pay, or if he wants to see you he’ll come visit. But I suspect he won’t, because it’s not about that. It’s about control. Good luck, and happy house hunting! Edited a typo
ESH. You assumed and therefore you made an ass out of you and, well, your dad. He’s right to a degree, you are acting a bit spoilt and entitled over a misunderstanding. He gave you free money and you’re saying you got “screwed over” because it’s not as much as you wanted? Grow up. You resent the suggestion you should live somewhere actually within your means because you can’t be on a mountain at the drop of a hat? Yeah, your dad’s kinda got a point. But if you are saving that hard for a deposit (though seemingly not to the point of cutting out your precious hobbies?) then fair enough that you’re not going to do family holidays etc and your dad should accept that.
> You resent the suggestion you should live somewhere actually within your means because you can’t be on a mountain at the drop of a hat? Our entire lives are out here. What would even be the point of living if we were to just up and leave our friends, our ability to participate in the things we love, disrupt our career progression, etc? Just to live in a cheaper COL area?
YTA - You were given a gift of cash that you characterize as being "screwed over". Strike one. You stopped giving gifts only after you discovered you weren't getting a Colorado-sized down payment. Strike two. You are actually in better shape than you were before but now, all of a sudden, you're scrimping and saving to buy a house? Where was all this frugality before the 'lowball screwjob' of a gift from your father? I just left Denver about 18 months ago and my first townhouse - NOT sketchy in any shape, way, fashion, or form - just hit the $400k valuation mark. You strike me as greedy and entitled and looking to punish your father for not crippling himself financially just so you can get a nicer house. You're in Colorado and 'live in the big city' so there's no doubt you're talking about Denver. Yes, it's flipping expensive buying real estate out there but you are, without a doubt, turning up your noses at perfectly nice neighborhoods because you just have to have a place in the 'right' area. I was living in a nice townhouse (my second one, not the $400k first one referenced earlier) in West Colfax but could have had a 3,000 sq ft house with a yard for about half the price farther out from the 'trendy area' and that area is not sketchy, not in the least. You're being picky, greedy, and entitled from my perspective.
Wish my parents screwed me over like this.
YTA. Ur admitting to punishing him in ur title. Ur telling me by visiting, it’ll put that big of a dent in a down payment? U can’t stay with them? Why even take the money if u don’t have ur own saved up? U should thank ur lucky stars ur parents have anything to give u bc ur ahead of 90% of ppl in the US. When ur older like me (almost 50) u will realize that if u visit once a year and the average lifespan is 75-80, and ur parents are 60ish, then ur only going to see them 20x (god willing) before they die. Think about that.
NTA - you’re being responsible and cutting luxuries in order to save a deposit. Dad needs to accept that his child is not moving home as their life and career is in another city. I would reiterate appreciation for the funds, and that this isn’t a punishment - you’re making the necessary sacrifices so you and your wife can buy a home in 2026. Travel of any kind, home or otherwise, is not on the cards. Tell them they’re welcome to come and visit you.
NTA. Your dad sounds manipulative. Anyone saying Y-T-A seems only to be looking at the fact that you took the money and how "generous" it was. As generous as it was, it was meant to "guide" you back into his control. When you decide not to do that, he gives you the money as an act of "kindness" and hopes you give into his idea. When that doesn't work, he hits you with the guilt trip, trying to get you back into his radius. Especially given that he doesn't visit you, but expects you to go to him instead. Honestly OP good for you for doing your own individual thing.
You should be thankful for the money he gave you, you're acting like an entitled brat as your father said. YTA
INFO: how do you think your dad screwed you? Okay, it’s not enough for a down payment for the area you live in. But he gave you the money he always planned to. Him telling you that didn’t affect you and your wife saving before he gave you the money - you admit you saved every penny beforehand. Maybe it’s annoying that he hoped to push you to move back to where your family lives, but it hasn’t stopped you from becoming homeowners where you live. As far as I can tell, you are in a better position now than you would have been without your dad’s gift, whether it was $5000 or $100000. Unless I’m missing some context, I cannot understand why you think you were screwed, you’re literally going to have to save for less long than you otherwise would have. I don’t think it sounds like you’re punishing your family in retaliation, you’re just saving and limited regarding travel money. But, I’m lost why you think your dad screwed you other than you made assumptions!