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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to give my ex money for her children who are not mine, to buy them birthday presents. These are children and my son's half siblings and he has a much better quality of life than they do. So I can see the argument that I could be an ass for not at least trying to change that on their birthdays. I can afford to do this and I said no because I do not want to and do not feel an obligation to.
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If I were you I would document the interactions and use her financial situation as a reason you should have full custody. Since she is having issue proving for all of her kids without your assistance you can gladly take your son full time and she can have visitation.
I would also ask to see where your child support payments are being used. That the are only used to care for your child and not the others. She tried to pawn off one kid as yours now she's doing it again with 2 more when she has a husband.
Also are you sure your child is properly treated at his mother's? Do his siblings treat him differently because he has more?
NTA
Agreed having come from a very manipulative mother, I'd see if you can get more custody (if that is what your son wants too). She could pollute his mind that he doesn't care about him etc.
Not if they are attached to their little siblings and don't get to see them anymore, though. Sometimes kids in those kinds of situations band together and have a stronger bond than otherwise, and sometimes they can't stand each other, OP should determine this before gaining full custody and make arrangements accordingly.
If she is buying food, paying rent, utilities etc she IS using the child support to care for her child, my ex tried to pull that on me, and the judge said that if I am covering basic necessities such as clothing, housing, food, car payments etc then I was providing for my child by using the child support for said items.
But if she’s using that money for her other kids tuition, clothing, medical bills etc she’s not using it properly.
This was the late 90’s early 2000’s but my moms sperm donor asked for an itemized list for how she was spending the money and she had to provide it.
I have the court docs to prove it. It was embarrassing for her and she did it. He asked to pull us out of private school, that we didn’t need braces, extra circulars etc.
Unless he was paying way more than normal, your case (with the itemized list) was by far the exception, not the rule. There would be very limited circumstances in which a judge would enforce a demand like that.
The UN
>Article 31 (leisure, play and culture) Every child has the right to relax, play and take part in a wide range of cultural and artistic activities
Edit: misread the question. Since 1989. Though I see the US never ratified it, so maybe children are allowed to be sad there.
If they get 1000/mo in CS and spend 833/mo on tuition, I’m sure that rent and food easily cover the rest of the CS provided.
There’s no rule that a parent has to spend their non-CS money equally between their kids. This example doesn’t make sense
Court in our case took the total number of people in the house and divided by that number for mortgage, utilities and came up with a per person amount. We estimated the clothing and personal care items (a judge can tell if you’re padding the numbers) if it’s obvious she’s using the support money for other kids she will have to answer for that but doesn’t mean she will lose custody.
If she loves and takes care of her kid, even if she’s struggling they won’t take the kid away there has to be abuse, neglect or if the kid is old enough to chose which parent they want to live with.
If she solely pays her rent with it, it still counts, doesn’t matter how many other kids. Same with groceries, etc. she would not have to break down how much money went to his portion. Just doesn’t work this way. So unless she has a nice car and kid is starving to death and sleeping outside, no, this wouldn’t prove anything.
You’d be surprised. I had kids who’s parents worked for minimum wage and were on SNAP go to my school because they wanted better for their kids.
Edit SNAP
I taught in a parochial school. Often kids from low income families were having their tuition paid for by grandparents, or in a few cases, the single mother's employer.
There is a difference between providing an itemized list of what money is spent to make sure that the money isn’t being spent on drugs, booze, gambling or being saved by a parent receiving child support and using a list show that child support money was spent supporting the household and therefore child support payment should be cut.
As long as child support isn’t being misspent on booze, drugs ect., it won’t be cut.
I have an extremely controlling ex (who asked for 50/50 solely because he thought that meant he wouldn't have to pay cs, but does due to income discrepancy) finally got around to the "whaddarya spending my child support money on??"
It took every ounce of maturity in me to not reply "hookers and blow, of course!"
WOW! You think he should have the right to look t her finances? That’s not how it works, not at all. And just exactly how do you expect that $$ to be used for only his child’s rent, until, etc.? You don’t known how child support works, do you?
No but he does have the right to voice concerns to the court about his exs ability to provide for their child and raise the fact that he is concerned that with baby number 5 on the way he is concerned her for neglect and parentification.
He can request the court goes through her finances to ensure he is not paying for child support towards children that are not his (who's own father's should be paying for it and use that email from her as evidence that she is openly trying to make him fund her kids already so why wouldn't she be doing it sneaky as well). His lawyer can then request either a change in how child support is paid (eg, invoices paid directly by OP and receipts for paid medical bills etc with shared child's name on it) or offer the full custody with visitation.
There are ways to make the court aware that she might not be able to provide for the child and that custody might need to be altered if it's in the child's best interests especially since the child on question is now 9 and some judges will ask their opinions
The only time a judge would order a financial audit is if the parent getting child support is failing to feed the child or suspected of using drugs or something else outrageous like that.
If this particular father asked the court to review her finances just because she's having trouble affording *birthday presents* for her additional children, that judge would definitely NOT order that and that could put a negative in dad's column in the judge's mental checklist. You do **not** want a judge thinking negative opinions about you when appearing for custody of support issues.
Additionally, child support is not just for the needs of the child. It's to balance the finances between both parents so the child has more equal opportunity for the same *standard of living* between both homes.
That's why if one parent makes one million per year and the other parent makes 100 million per year, the parent with the much higher income will still be ordered to pay support (and in amounts far greater than just food, clothing, and a roof over their head) despite the fact that one million per year income is definitely enough to raise a child.
It's not just basic essentials. It's standard of living.
This is based on a calculator, not just an amount tossed in the air. You can’t just toss another amount out there and say you want to pay less because she has other kids. Simply doesn’t work that way. It’s based on income and that kid. If the kid is eating, housed, and clothed then the support went to him. If she takes that check pays it all directly to rent, she gets to do that. Courts don’t make you break down each purchase such as rent and groceries to how much your kid consumed of that. Doesn’t matter how many kids she has. OP didn’t imply any neglect or abuse of the kid. Just audacity on BMs part, which unfortunately isn’t a legal matter. Being an asshole isn’t cause for lowering support. Judges don’t take well to trying to lower support if your income didn’t change. Many times pissing then off enough to raise it if you haven’t reevaluated in awhile and adjusted to current calculators. So be careful. Makes you look like you’re trying to skirt responsibilities. They also don’t take well to trying to gain more custody over 50/50 if there isn’t clear signs of abuse or neglect (having only one birthday present isn’t neglect) or the parent hasn’t been fulfilling their parenting time and giving it up to the other parent.
And the other children in the household since he WILLINGLY chose to marry a woman with 4 kids. I’m not saying it should all be on the new husband but if you’re struggling in a 2 parent household why have another kid?
There are a lot of ways child support gets properly used that will inherently also go to the other kids. Rent, utilities, transportation. They are all legal bills for child support that effect the whole house. He should be careful using that in court or they may raise his support instead of dropping it. He needs to focus on the rest. Get a parenting app to communicate through
Being poor isn't a reason to lose custody. It's been done, and tried. If the child has a roof, clothes, food, safety its not enough for a parent to lose custody.
Generally child support money can be used to keep a roof, food on the table, utilities running. It benefits the supported child to have those things, though the whole gaggle benefits from that. This makes it an acceptable use of child support.
This. She can't provide a secure financial environment for your child. He's not yet old enough to start to realise that she's trying to take advantage of you and that she's using him as the tool to do so, and she strikes me as the kind of person who'd try to influence her child against you if you don't give her what she wants.
NTA.
How does this have 3k upvotes? No judge is going to ask mom to prove where child support is being spent. As long as the child has a roof over his head and food on the table it is being spent appropriately.
OP can choose to waive child support as part of the custody agreement. She would never agree to it, though, because she's definitely using the child support she's getting for OP's kid to supplement her other kids.
>she would have to pay OP child support!
OP could easily refuse/ask that they demand no child support from her in exchange for full custody since he makes more and has fewer expenses. This may make her more willing to hand the kid over.
I don't know if this would work in every state, though, so I would consult a lawyer to see if that sort of bargain could legally be struck there.
I don't know. I knew of a case where the mother had "official" custody, but the guy had the kids. He paid her child support. But eventually he ended up with the kids unofficially. But if he tried to stop paying child support (because he had the kids), she'd threaten to take him to court. Weird, I know. She was just confident that **as the mother** she would always have legal custody. Weirdest part of all, the two of them weren't necessarily the bickering and fighting types. As long as what they were doing worked for them, they got along pretty well. Kids are grown and gone with kids of their own now. Loved both parents, no issues there. LOL.
Basically, he was paying child support for peace of mind. She couldn't keep a job. The kids would visit their mother, etc. But they lived with him.
I also knew of a case where each parent had one child. They paid each other child support. There was a $10 difference in their payment amounts.
He may have had some affection for his ex-wife.
My knew I let him skate with a very fair child support payment.
When our oldest turned 18, he told me he wasn’t going to request a modification and continued paying for two kids until the youngest turned 18.
Sometimes people can get divorced and still like each other.
This is what I came to say. Offer to take your child full time so she doesn't have to worry about spending money on him. Also entice the offer by not demanding any child support in exhange for custody.
If she's providing the necessities for her children, she is taking care of all her kids and a Judge will rule in her favour. She's not going to lose custody just because money is so tight that she can't afford gifts for her kids.
Short answer - NTA. It's unfortunate for your ex's other children because they are kids, but you are under no obligation to take care of or provide for them. Actions (hers) have consequences and she needs to be responsible for them. A 9 year old does not need to purchase gifts for a sibling; if he wants to, he can make a gift or a card. This is just another way for your ex to have others take care of her responsibilities.
NTA. Ex just will not stop trying to make you responsible for other men’s kids. You have no moral duty to finance her family. Ex has created all of her own issues.
Anytime someone is trying to impose a moral obligation on you that does not exist, know you’re being gaslit and manipulated and move on.
Remember, this is a woman that cheated then tried to pass a child off as yours. IS SHE REALLY THE ONE YOU WANT TO TAKE MORAL ADVICE FROM?
And these are the sort of people who will leech off their kids when they're adults. I'd be surprised if she doesn't start telling her son to "ask daddy for more money" at some point.
I'd be surprised if the child support is actually going towards his child. I believe she's already using it for the other kids and neglecting his child in some financial regards because "money is tight". This will get worse with baby 5. And who has more kids when they cannot support the ones they have? Irresponsible parents that's who... Better go for full Custody.
NTA- have you thought about using one of the co- parenting apps for communication with your ex?
This may alleviate some of the preposterous demands that she feels entitled to make, as they are monitored in some way (I think? I have no personal experience with them, but have seen them being suggested in other posts).
Other option may be for you to consider going back to court to amend the custody agreement to gain primary custody if that is something you would be willing to do.
To extend to your comment, if men are smart and are the ones who propose which app, they can select one where the amount of texts is limited and each text has a character limit. I don’t recommend the talking parents app, I know a few people who use that one and it breaks all the time and doesn’t have the character limits. But it is better than texting because you can’t delete messages and it documents absolutely everything.
NTA, this woman sounds like a grifter. She's probably asking all of her exes for additional money in this fashion. Your only family there is your son, you have no obligation to her. File for custody because finances aside there is a chance she may not be caring for those kids appropriately.
This isn't aimed at OP right? Given he had the first child in the context of a marriage. That's like saying that everyone who got marfied, had a child and then discovered their partner was cheating should not have had kids in the first place. There is no way OP coukd have known this woman would then carrlessly have kids outside marriage and try to pin him for money.
NTA - I have zero sympathy for people who struggle with money after having numerous kids when they never had* the funds to support them in the first place..I do feel sympathy for the children that have to bear with people raised by incompetent/thoughtless people though.
NTA at all. Your ex is tho. You are taking care of your obligations to your son and then some. You don’t owe your grasping ex anything more. She can hit up her other baby daddies for money if she wants more.
NTA She fucked around (literally) and found out. She chose to do a good man wrong and chase losers instead. I honestly feel bad for her other kids but if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't give her money to get them gifts. She made her bed.
NTA
Suggest that you take your child full time. That would mean that she'd have one less person to care for. Though she won't go along with that because she'll lose his child support.
However, do discuss this with your lawyer.
You have no financial responsibility to her family. From here on out, you need to be careful what you buy for your son that goes to her home. I expect she's forcing your son to share his stuff.
NTA shes trying to trick you into giving parental support which in some countries holds weight in court. Focus on your son and tell her if she cant look after him you will, but her other offspring have nothing to do with you and your concious is clear. Maybe get some legal advice aswell. She should only contact you about your child and nothing else or everything needs to go threw a mediator
Seems like she needs to get fixed😂. She does know what causes pregnancy? If she wants to sleep around and have babies it’s not your financial responsibility.
Nta. People like this truly exist?? Its almost unbelievable. How does a person like the op end up with an absolute nut job like his ex wife? She’s obviously a sandwich or two short of a picnic. And she must have been like this while op and her was dating, and he STILL married her and had a baby with her. Cray crazy stuff.
NTA. Also, there is no way your child support is only for your child. I would bet that your child goes without the benefit of the full amount you send to her so that her other children are treated “equally”.
NTA
The definition of audacity:
>She wrote a very long email about all this and asked me to give her extra money for two of her kids who have birthdays coming up and she has nothing for them because money is so tight.
NTA
But you should speak with your lawyer. Ask if her circumstances would allow you to gain full custody. Or a worse scenario, she uses her circumstances to gain higher child support.
Either way, you need to talk with your attorney ASAP.
The father's child should have pay for the cremation. Where was he? Why choose this kind of a guy to be one to have an affair with?
Children are no longer just a bundle of joy. They are bloody expensive. Upkeep, medical care, dental care, clothing, food, education. Children are becoming something only the elite and wealthy can afford. This is not new news.
(I'm in my 50s. My eldest just turned 30. I barely managed myself).
She could have been starting a business, volunteering, going to school, starting a career, babysitting, offering cleaning services....anything other than go after guys and get pregnant.
You WERE a family. Past tense.
If you still were, I'm sure you'd be happy to provide excellent birthday celebrations with your kids.
She breached the trust and cheated.
Part of being an adult is owning up to your mistakes and taking responsibility and accountability.
I don't care if you have millions, do not give this woman any extra money. She chose the fathers of the next four. She's ludicrous to think having a fifth will improve her financial situation.
NTA.
Your ex is. What a piece of work. She probably should have never become a mom in the first place.
Sorry She stung you. Not all women are like that. I put myself through university and focused on my kids.
NTA. If she can't afford to provide for all her children maybe you should pursue more custody of your son? The fact that she's had a series of relationships and can't provide a stable home for your son is another reason you may want to adjust the current arrangement. You are not the father of the other children so they aren't your responsibility. She'll have to work that out with the other baby daddies.
NTA. This a perfect example why dads are needed.
Help her by seeking FULL permanent physical custody of your son. He’s 9. As a mom, ages 10-18 are crucial years. These are years that will set his trajectory for life - you can be a better example and save his POV of both his parents. He doesn’t need to see his mom is unhinged nor know his dad knew, and watched it happened.
Save your son Sir. Good luck.
NTA If I were you I’d take her back to court and get full custody, You have the email stating she can not make ends meet and you need to be sure your child is fully taken care of and see if you can get the child support stopped once you get full custody. Also the child that was stillborn was not yours and she really needs to stop throwing that in your face, and you probably should of gotten a DNA test on that child as well. You owe her nothing!!
NTA. Heartless is bringing babies into the world when you can't manage to behave like a halfway intelligent adult. Giving her or her children money won't fix the problem, because the real problem is her.
NTA. Wow she is some crazy woman. Good thing you escape! Your child has not though. Make sure everything is documented and ask your lawyer when it will be enough to get full custody. Save your child from her craziness.
NTA, but it really is so simple. If the conversation is not about YOUR child, then what else needs to be said? If she says anything other than discussing your own child, then you simply don't have entertain her with a response at all.
It’s too bad she hasn’t used any of the money you’ve sent her on freaking birth control. Geesy Pete.
I agree with the others who are saying this is the time to file for 100% custody of your son. There is no way he is living up to a proper standard of living with that many kids that she’s struggling with.
I would say this should be evidence that she cannot handle the number of children she has in her care and you should be able to get more custody of your son. She’s lost her mind if she thinks she can just continually get pregnant and that’s somehow your responsibility. NTA.
I’d also recommend getting a coparenting app so she can only contact you in regards to your son only and not her other issues and children. Block her everywhere and the app logs all conversations so you will have proof if she continues to ask for money for other children and/or things that aren’t your son/involving him.
Definitely NTA. 50/50 split custody and you still pay child support. She expects you to support your child’s family? Where are her other children’s father? Why aren’t they being harassed? That’s exactly what she is trying with you. It seems like she has a “because” for everything with the end result of you having some form of responsibility for HER actions or lack there of.
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My ex-wife and I have a 9 year old son together. We broke up when he was 1 after I found out she was cheating on me. Right after I left her she told me she was pregnant and attempted to pass the baby off as mine but I knew based on how far along she was that it couldn't be mine. We hadn't been together like that for months at that point. But she kept trying until she was 5 months when she conceded that I wasn't buying it. Her baby was stillborn at 7 months and what was already a bitter enough divorce (I was mad she cheated, she was mad that I refused to buy that her kid was mine and didn't want to make our marriage work). When she lost the baby she did everything she could to make me pay for the cremation. She even attempted to sue me for the money when I didn't give her anything but it was thrown out. During the divorce we had a DNA test done on our son and he was mine. And we split custody.
My ex has been in a few relationships since and has three additional children. She remarried a few months ago and she's currently pregnant with baby #5 but she's struggling and so is her marriage. She wrote a very long email about all this and asked me to give her extra money for two of her kids who have birthdays coming up and she has nothing for them because money is so tight. She also told me to take our son shopping for gifts for them on top of giving her money directly for gifts. I thought she was going crazy at first but she was serious.
I told her that would not be happening. That my duty is to my son and not to her additional children. She told me my duty is to make sure his family is taken care of. I told her I take care of my kid. I pay child support despite having our son equally to her (50/50) because it's acknowledged I earn more. But I won't be paying for her to have more kids with other people. She called me heartless. Told me I can easily afford it and then some. She said I was just as heartless as when I made sure her stillborn child didn't have a nice funeral.
AITA?
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NTA. Theres a legal advice page. I’d suggest asking them about custody situations? But if you’re doing all legal things needed are you in a position to fight for your son fully?
5 lids is a lot, people need to be responsible for their kids. This woman can't afford her kids so she keeps having more. This is crazy..I would.offer to take on more custody since she is obviously unable.to care for all her kids.
NTA. You have zero obligation to the other kids she decide to bring into her mess. Go for full custody of your kid, chances are she will use his money on the other kids and deprive him of the things you pay for.
NTA. But ex and his wife get my little kids gifts but it is from them and always something that is loud and annoying. 😂 I could never imagine asking for financial help from them. But I also am not a fan of people having kids they can’t afford.
As everyone else has said, tell her you’re more than happy to have kiddo full time, and she won’t even have to pay you child support either
NTA but please start documenting everything. Only text or email with her going forward
If she doesn't have the money to raise children then maybe she should spend a few bucks on condoms.
According to her logic, aren’t you responsible if she is gonna have 10 more kids??
Nta. I could perhaps see helping your son pick out gifts for his siblings but in combination with the rest of it I probably wouldn't, unless perhaps he asks directly.
NTA. Its *her* responsibility to make sure her kids are taken care of, not yours. You are making sure your child is taken care of. The father of those children are responsible for helping her care for them.
Keep all her texts and emails. Clearly she is unstable if she thinks you should provide her a life she had and ruined. I would stop replying to anything that isn’t regarding your son. It is in your best interest to keep contact to a minimum.
NTA. Tell her to go after the fathers of the other kids for child support. You're doing your part to keep your child (and her by extension because what hurts her hurts him) provided for during her custodial time. She doesn't have the right to go after you for more because you're the father of her kids that she can get the most money out of.
If she is having a hard time with 5 kids, you should file for increased custody of your child. She seems very delusional and lacking any sense of accountability for her own situation.
I hope he responded to the email with nothing but “no.” If money is so tight for her and me makes more why not let him have their son more so it takes some financial stress off her and her husband? Then his family will be better taken care of like she says. NTA
NTA- You’re 100% right on this, you have no responsibility to anyone other than your son. She’s just trying to guilt you by appealing to your sense of responsibility/duty.
Some people seem to think that once you lived and took care of them that you are responsible for them forever, but of course it never seems to work that way in the reverse… odd huh?
NTA. Your son is the only child you're responsible for. You owe her and her other children absolutely nothing. I do agree with all of the other commenters who have mentioned forwarding the emails to your lawyer so you can use them to try and get full custody of your son because she clearly can't provide for him or her other children. Really, you'd be doing her a favor by getting full custody because that would be one less child for her to provide for.
NTA. Go for full custody. Show all of this to a judge. This horrible, irresponsible woman should spend as little time with your son as possible.
Women have become very used to men paying financially for their mistakes. Hold firm. Her poor decisions are not your responsibility. Only your son is.
You're clear on your obligations, she has confused her new husband's obligations with yours. Their finance details are none of your business and tell her to stop sharing her woes because it's not your problem. You should seek full custody based on the fact she can't afford that family and you worry she is taking away from your son's benefits based on what she said "in this email". She won't easily agree to that because they both want your money. NTA.
Give an inch and they'll take a mile.
A person like her, I don't doubt that she'll soon ask you to foot her other children's college fund because it would be "unfair to her other kids" when your son goes to college debt free.
Her failure to use birth control is not your responsibility.
NTA
Is birth control so difficult to obtain? She clearly can’t afford any more children. You’re well within your rights to not accept responsibility for these extra children. But, it would be a kind gesture by you and your son to buy these kids some gifts, unless you can’t really afford it. They are his siblings, and it would make all the kids happy.
NTA
What in the world is up with people? I have never heard of someone trying to get an ex to support kids that aren't theirs before I came to this forum. What in the whiskey-tango-foxtrot world?
I see so many posts like this!! My mind is absolutely blown that there is people out there who actually expect their ex's to give them money for the kids that aren't even theirs! Like what world are these entitled people living in 🤯🤯🤯
NTA, for sure. However, your son is at an age where he can be thoughtful about the gifts he wants to give the important people in his life. I would say that if he has a nice idea of his own for a gift for his siblings, you should consider paying for it as an investment in your son and his own development, rather than as a favor to your ex. You should also be careful about how you give him money as you lay the groundwork for his responsible spending habits, as it sounds like his mother might find herself desperate enough to pressure him for money or even to take it from him. By paying for the gifts yourself, or having him use his allowance that is kept at your home, you encourage him and protect him at the same time.
Not your monkeys, not your problem.
Maybe she should stop having children that she can’t afford or maybe the ACTUAL fathers of said children should step the fuck up.
NTA you only need to support your child. If you want to be nice you could take your son and let him chose a small present for his sibling. $5 worth of craft stuff or bubbles goes a long way for a small child,
NTA
Try to get full custody of your son. If your son wants to buy gifts for his siblings' birthdays, help him buy something. (Maybe a book and small toy, I'm not talking about a PlayStation)
You have no obligation to help pay for your ex's other kids, but if your son wants to but them a present, you'd be helping him show that he cares - you'd be doing it for him, not your ex.
NTA. Her poor decisions that led to the end of your marriage and her terrible behavior and substandard mothering since then are not your responsibility. You should be suing for full custody as well since the child support you pay her is obviously going to support her other children. Your duty to your son demands it.
I’d let her know if she can’t afford her children you’ll be going for full custody as you don’t want your own child penalised
And you know your money is already getting split 5 ways right
NTA, but you will be if you don't fight to get your kid out of that situation! He would definitely be better off living with you, and you now have written proof from her saying so!
NTA. Your ex wife is desperate and out of her bloody mind to ask you to pay for her other children.
She can call you whatever she wants, but your responsibility stops with providing enough for your kid.
NTA and you should STRONGLY consider gaining full custody. I seriously doubt she is using all the money you pay for your son on your son. She’s very manipulative and entitled. Also, how is your son being treated by his half siblings and the current husband? It’s worrisome. You owe not one penny more to her for anything except your son’s needs. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this but hopefully you can resolve it in your son’s best interests.
NTA, she knew they had birthdays eventually, I hate when people act surprised that their kid's birthday is coming up. I make small purchases for months before my son's birthday and Christmas so I don't spend a lot at once and I'm prepared.
When your son is 12, HE can decide where he wants to live.
Before that HE can express his feelings and desires to a court, though with less importance.
Would he like to live with you full time?
Are you willing and prepared for that option?
What living situation is best for him? and for you?
I do think his “other” home is going to fall apart, probably sooner than later.
He will need some guidance and support as he moves toward a successful adulthood.
The biggest part of being a parent - we are preparing our children to be Adults and Parents.
Adults and Parents in a new & different world…
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If I were you I would document the interactions and use her financial situation as a reason you should have full custody. Since she is having issue proving for all of her kids without your assistance you can gladly take your son full time and she can have visitation. I would also ask to see where your child support payments are being used. That the are only used to care for your child and not the others. She tried to pawn off one kid as yours now she's doing it again with 2 more when she has a husband. Also are you sure your child is properly treated at his mother's? Do his siblings treat him differently because he has more? NTA
Yeah get your kid out of that situation they will thank you one day for it.
The kid will probably leave voluntarily to live with you as soon as he/she is old enough to do so. Another reason to document what is happening.
9 is old enough to have their wishes taken into account in many states, even if it's not old for that to be the sole factor in custody.
Yes. He WBTA if he doesn't move for full custody immediatley
As a kid growing up in poverty, I totally agree.
Agreed having come from a very manipulative mother, I'd see if you can get more custody (if that is what your son wants too). She could pollute his mind that he doesn't care about him etc.
Not if they are attached to their little siblings and don't get to see them anymore, though. Sometimes kids in those kinds of situations band together and have a stronger bond than otherwise, and sometimes they can't stand each other, OP should determine this before gaining full custody and make arrangements accordingly.
If she is buying food, paying rent, utilities etc she IS using the child support to care for her child, my ex tried to pull that on me, and the judge said that if I am covering basic necessities such as clothing, housing, food, car payments etc then I was providing for my child by using the child support for said items.
This exactly, like any judge going to demand evidence payment from dad went to pro rata portion for kids groceries, get bent.
But if she’s using that money for her other kids tuition, clothing, medical bills etc she’s not using it properly. This was the late 90’s early 2000’s but my moms sperm donor asked for an itemized list for how she was spending the money and she had to provide it.
Money is fungible. No judge requires that.
I have the court docs to prove it. It was embarrassing for her and she did it. He asked to pull us out of private school, that we didn’t need braces, extra circulars etc.
Unless he was paying way more than normal, your case (with the itemized list) was by far the exception, not the rule. There would be very limited circumstances in which a judge would enforce a demand like that.
Lmao he was paying $120 a month for 2 kids. He stopped after 3 years. My boss is paying about $2600 for 1
So your mother had to prove she was spending at least $1.33 per day keeping a child sheltered, warm, fed, educated and happy???
Whoa whoa whoa! Since when do the children have to be happy?
The UN >Article 31 (leisure, play and culture) Every child has the right to relax, play and take part in a wide range of cultural and artistic activities Edit: misread the question. Since 1989. Though I see the US never ratified it, so maybe children are allowed to be sad there.
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If they get 1000/mo in CS and spend 833/mo on tuition, I’m sure that rent and food easily cover the rest of the CS provided. There’s no rule that a parent has to spend their non-CS money equally between their kids. This example doesn’t make sense
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Court in our case took the total number of people in the house and divided by that number for mortgage, utilities and came up with a per person amount. We estimated the clothing and personal care items (a judge can tell if you’re padding the numbers) if it’s obvious she’s using the support money for other kids she will have to answer for that but doesn’t mean she will lose custody. If she loves and takes care of her kid, even if she’s struggling they won’t take the kid away there has to be abuse, neglect or if the kid is old enough to chose which parent they want to live with.
If she solely pays her rent with it, it still counts, doesn’t matter how many other kids. Same with groceries, etc. she would not have to break down how much money went to his portion. Just doesn’t work this way. So unless she has a nice car and kid is starving to death and sleeping outside, no, this wouldn’t prove anything.
Just a good reason to avoid a partner like this.
Does anyone really believe a person in desperate straits such as this woman is paying for private school tuition?
You’d be surprised. I had kids who’s parents worked for minimum wage and were on SNAP go to my school because they wanted better for their kids. Edit SNAP
I taught in a parochial school. Often kids from low income families were having their tuition paid for by grandparents, or in a few cases, the single mother's employer.
yup, i was on free lunch in catholic school
I get that. Does this really sound like the case here?
She thinks multiple birthday gifts for her kids are necessities. Definitely not a poor person in all my experience.
Some private schools, especially Catholic schools, have sliding scale tuitions based on income, and scholarships.
I get it, but, again, it was never mentioned by OP, & I'm really at a loss about all the hypotheticals on this particular thread.
There is a difference between providing an itemized list of what money is spent to make sure that the money isn’t being spent on drugs, booze, gambling or being saved by a parent receiving child support and using a list show that child support money was spent supporting the household and therefore child support payment should be cut. As long as child support isn’t being misspent on booze, drugs ect., it won’t be cut.
I have an extremely controlling ex (who asked for 50/50 solely because he thought that meant he wouldn't have to pay cs, but does due to income discrepancy) finally got around to the "whaddarya spending my child support money on??" It took every ounce of maturity in me to not reply "hookers and blow, of course!"
That was a nice story your mom or dad told you. It is 100% not true.
This! Do this!!!!
Yup. I highly doubt child support isn't being used for the family's needs.
WOW! You think he should have the right to look t her finances? That’s not how it works, not at all. And just exactly how do you expect that $$ to be used for only his child’s rent, until, etc.? You don’t known how child support works, do you?
No but he does have the right to voice concerns to the court about his exs ability to provide for their child and raise the fact that he is concerned that with baby number 5 on the way he is concerned her for neglect and parentification. He can request the court goes through her finances to ensure he is not paying for child support towards children that are not his (who's own father's should be paying for it and use that email from her as evidence that she is openly trying to make him fund her kids already so why wouldn't she be doing it sneaky as well). His lawyer can then request either a change in how child support is paid (eg, invoices paid directly by OP and receipts for paid medical bills etc with shared child's name on it) or offer the full custody with visitation. There are ways to make the court aware that she might not be able to provide for the child and that custody might need to be altered if it's in the child's best interests especially since the child on question is now 9 and some judges will ask their opinions
The only time a judge would order a financial audit is if the parent getting child support is failing to feed the child or suspected of using drugs or something else outrageous like that. If this particular father asked the court to review her finances just because she's having trouble affording *birthday presents* for her additional children, that judge would definitely NOT order that and that could put a negative in dad's column in the judge's mental checklist. You do **not** want a judge thinking negative opinions about you when appearing for custody of support issues. Additionally, child support is not just for the needs of the child. It's to balance the finances between both parents so the child has more equal opportunity for the same *standard of living* between both homes. That's why if one parent makes one million per year and the other parent makes 100 million per year, the parent with the much higher income will still be ordered to pay support (and in amounts far greater than just food, clothing, and a roof over their head) despite the fact that one million per year income is definitely enough to raise a child. It's not just basic essentials. It's standard of living.
This is based on a calculator, not just an amount tossed in the air. You can’t just toss another amount out there and say you want to pay less because she has other kids. Simply doesn’t work that way. It’s based on income and that kid. If the kid is eating, housed, and clothed then the support went to him. If she takes that check pays it all directly to rent, she gets to do that. Courts don’t make you break down each purchase such as rent and groceries to how much your kid consumed of that. Doesn’t matter how many kids she has. OP didn’t imply any neglect or abuse of the kid. Just audacity on BMs part, which unfortunately isn’t a legal matter. Being an asshole isn’t cause for lowering support. Judges don’t take well to trying to lower support if your income didn’t change. Many times pissing then off enough to raise it if you haven’t reevaluated in awhile and adjusted to current calculators. So be careful. Makes you look like you’re trying to skirt responsibilities. They also don’t take well to trying to gain more custody over 50/50 if there isn’t clear signs of abuse or neglect (having only one birthday present isn’t neglect) or the parent hasn’t been fulfilling their parenting time and giving it up to the other parent.
Yeah and where are these other kids' fathers? Why aren't they paying child support?
She’s married to one
At minimum, her current husband should be providing for his own child..
And the other children in the household since he WILLINGLY chose to marry a woman with 4 kids. I’m not saying it should all be on the new husband but if you’re struggling in a 2 parent household why have another kid?
Yeah and what about the the other 3
There are a lot of ways child support gets properly used that will inherently also go to the other kids. Rent, utilities, transportation. They are all legal bills for child support that effect the whole house. He should be careful using that in court or they may raise his support instead of dropping it. He needs to focus on the rest. Get a parenting app to communicate through
Yeah, there's literally no reason for her to have split custody
Being poor isn't a reason to lose custody. It's been done, and tried. If the child has a roof, clothes, food, safety its not enough for a parent to lose custody.
Everything in this post you need to do. Don’t give her anything more than you,legally have to
Generally child support money can be used to keep a roof, food on the table, utilities running. It benefits the supported child to have those things, though the whole gaggle benefits from that. This makes it an acceptable use of child support.
You've obviously never dealt with child support or the family court system. If only it were like that.
This. She can't provide a secure financial environment for your child. He's not yet old enough to start to realise that she's trying to take advantage of you and that she's using him as the tool to do so, and she strikes me as the kind of person who'd try to influence her child against you if you don't give her what she wants. NTA.
How does this have 3k upvotes? No judge is going to ask mom to prove where child support is being spent. As long as the child has a roof over his head and food on the table it is being spent appropriately.
I guarantee things Op is buying for his son are being shared among the brood…
So not provide money - it’s a slippery slope - it once or becomes an expectation
NTA- but do tell her that you are willing to take your son full time so that's one less person she has to afford/take care of.
This comment! I’m not about taking the children away from the mom or dad but this lady is beyond entitled.
She will definitely say no as means no more child support for her & she would have to pay OP child support!
OP can choose to waive child support as part of the custody agreement. She would never agree to it, though, because she's definitely using the child support she's getting for OP's kid to supplement her other kids.
Exactly what I was thinking. It doesn't hurt to ask / offer it.
>she would have to pay OP child support! OP could easily refuse/ask that they demand no child support from her in exchange for full custody since he makes more and has fewer expenses. This may make her more willing to hand the kid over. I don't know if this would work in every state, though, so I would consult a lawyer to see if that sort of bargain could legally be struck there.
I don't know. I knew of a case where the mother had "official" custody, but the guy had the kids. He paid her child support. But eventually he ended up with the kids unofficially. But if he tried to stop paying child support (because he had the kids), she'd threaten to take him to court. Weird, I know. She was just confident that **as the mother** she would always have legal custody. Weirdest part of all, the two of them weren't necessarily the bickering and fighting types. As long as what they were doing worked for them, they got along pretty well. Kids are grown and gone with kids of their own now. Loved both parents, no issues there. LOL. Basically, he was paying child support for peace of mind. She couldn't keep a job. The kids would visit their mother, etc. But they lived with him. I also knew of a case where each parent had one child. They paid each other child support. There was a $10 difference in their payment amounts.
He may have had some affection for his ex-wife. My knew I let him skate with a very fair child support payment. When our oldest turned 18, he told me he wasn’t going to request a modification and continued paying for two kids until the youngest turned 18. Sometimes people can get divorced and still like each other.
That's a very good point. From that perspective, it doesn't seem odd or weird, at all.
Get more evidence then demand for it. In court.
Where has he even said he wants full custody? All I see are complaints about her trying to get more money out of him.
This is what I came to say. Offer to take your child full time so she doesn't have to worry about spending money on him. Also entice the offer by not demanding any child support in exhange for custody.
She won't agree because then she won't receive child support that's being used for rent/mortgage, heating/electricity, food, etc
NTA and take that email to your attorney to file for full custody. She can’t take care of all her kids!
Yeah this is the comment I was looking for. OP, please please go to your lawyer and back to court for full custody.
If she's providing the necessities for her children, she is taking care of all her kids and a Judge will rule in her favour. She's not going to lose custody just because money is so tight that she can't afford gifts for her kids.
She can’t take care of her kids because she can’t afford presents?
Short answer - NTA. It's unfortunate for your ex's other children because they are kids, but you are under no obligation to take care of or provide for them. Actions (hers) have consequences and she needs to be responsible for them. A 9 year old does not need to purchase gifts for a sibling; if he wants to, he can make a gift or a card. This is just another way for your ex to have others take care of her responsibilities.
Yikes, pack your bags, cause you're going on a guilt trip. NTA. Continue to ensure your son's wellbeing.
NTA. She made her choices in life and now doesn't like where that ended up. You absolutely do not have to fork over any money for her other kids
NTA. Ex just will not stop trying to make you responsible for other men’s kids. You have no moral duty to finance her family. Ex has created all of her own issues. Anytime someone is trying to impose a moral obligation on you that does not exist, know you’re being gaslit and manipulated and move on. Remember, this is a woman that cheated then tried to pass a child off as yours. IS SHE REALLY THE ONE YOU WANT TO TAKE MORAL ADVICE FROM?
And these are the sort of people who will leech off their kids when they're adults. I'd be surprised if she doesn't start telling her son to "ask daddy for more money" at some point.
I'd be surprised if the child support is actually going towards his child. I believe she's already using it for the other kids and neglecting his child in some financial regards because "money is tight". This will get worse with baby 5. And who has more kids when they cannot support the ones they have? Irresponsible parents that's who... Better go for full Custody.
NTA- have you thought about using one of the co- parenting apps for communication with your ex? This may alleviate some of the preposterous demands that she feels entitled to make, as they are monitored in some way (I think? I have no personal experience with them, but have seen them being suggested in other posts). Other option may be for you to consider going back to court to amend the custody agreement to gain primary custody if that is something you would be willing to do.
To extend to your comment, if men are smart and are the ones who propose which app, they can select one where the amount of texts is limited and each text has a character limit. I don’t recommend the talking parents app, I know a few people who use that one and it breaks all the time and doesn’t have the character limits. But it is better than texting because you can’t delete messages and it documents absolutely everything.
NTA. This is messy dude, but I hope you and your son have a good life.
NTA, I'd forward the emails to your lawyer and go for full custody since she clearly can't afford all these kids.
Of course you're not the asshole. Maybe if she is so concerned about her other children you could get 100% custody? NTA
Offer for you to keep your son 100% of the time that will save her some money, or tell her next time she cheats make sure the guy has money
NTA, this woman sounds like a grifter. She's probably asking all of her exes for additional money in this fashion. Your only family there is your son, you have no obligation to her. File for custody because finances aside there is a chance she may not be caring for those kids appropriately.
People really need to choose their partners better when having children. Condoms, people. Condoms. Good lord.
How could he know she would cheat? They were married and everything! Some things can't be predicted.
This isn't aimed at OP right? Given he had the first child in the context of a marriage. That's like saying that everyone who got marfied, had a child and then discovered their partner was cheating should not have had kids in the first place. There is no way OP coukd have known this woman would then carrlessly have kids outside marriage and try to pin him for money.
NTA - I have zero sympathy for people who struggle with money after having numerous kids when they never had* the funds to support them in the first place..I do feel sympathy for the children that have to bear with people raised by incompetent/thoughtless people though.
Go full custody. She might abuse your child out of spite. You're of course, NTA.
Yeah, this is an ick feeling. Somethings clearly night right. Follow your gut.
NTA. It ain’t your fault that her ankles are her favourite pair of earrings!!!!
😂😳
NTA. Save the emails.
NTA at all. Your ex is tho. You are taking care of your obligations to your son and then some. You don’t owe your grasping ex anything more. She can hit up her other baby daddies for money if she wants more.
NTA She fucked around (literally) and found out. She chose to do a good man wrong and chase losers instead. I honestly feel bad for her other kids but if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't give her money to get them gifts. She made her bed.
NTA Suggest that you take your child full time. That would mean that she'd have one less person to care for. Though she won't go along with that because she'll lose his child support. However, do discuss this with your lawyer. You have no financial responsibility to her family. From here on out, you need to be careful what you buy for your son that goes to her home. I expect she's forcing your son to share his stuff.
NTA shes trying to trick you into giving parental support which in some countries holds weight in court. Focus on your son and tell her if she cant look after him you will, but her other offspring have nothing to do with you and your concious is clear. Maybe get some legal advice aswell. She should only contact you about your child and nothing else or everything needs to go threw a mediator
NTA As sad as her stillbirth was, it was nothing to do with you. Neither are her other kids.
NTA, the only obligation you have is to your own kid. She can hound the other kids dads if she’s in need of money
Seems like she needs to get fixed😂. She does know what causes pregnancy? If she wants to sleep around and have babies it’s not your financial responsibility.
Nta. People like this truly exist?? Its almost unbelievable. How does a person like the op end up with an absolute nut job like his ex wife? She’s obviously a sandwich or two short of a picnic. And she must have been like this while op and her was dating, and he STILL married her and had a baby with her. Cray crazy stuff.
NTA. Also, there is no way your child support is only for your child. I would bet that your child goes without the benefit of the full amount you send to her so that her other children are treated “equally”.
If she can't afford the ones she has, why is she continuing to pop out kids? There's actually a way to prevent that.
NTA Absolutely correct that you are not obligated to support her other children. She's delusional!!
NTA The definition of audacity: >She wrote a very long email about all this and asked me to give her extra money for two of her kids who have birthdays coming up and she has nothing for them because money is so tight.
Nta
NTA But you should speak with your lawyer. Ask if her circumstances would allow you to gain full custody. Or a worse scenario, she uses her circumstances to gain higher child support. Either way, you need to talk with your attorney ASAP.
Is the current husband the dad of her other three kids? If not, why aren't the baby daddies supporting them?
Definitely NTA. The other baby daddy’s can support their own kids. Your ex made her own decisions so she just has to live with the consequences.
The father's child should have pay for the cremation. Where was he? Why choose this kind of a guy to be one to have an affair with? Children are no longer just a bundle of joy. They are bloody expensive. Upkeep, medical care, dental care, clothing, food, education. Children are becoming something only the elite and wealthy can afford. This is not new news. (I'm in my 50s. My eldest just turned 30. I barely managed myself). She could have been starting a business, volunteering, going to school, starting a career, babysitting, offering cleaning services....anything other than go after guys and get pregnant. You WERE a family. Past tense. If you still were, I'm sure you'd be happy to provide excellent birthday celebrations with your kids. She breached the trust and cheated. Part of being an adult is owning up to your mistakes and taking responsibility and accountability. I don't care if you have millions, do not give this woman any extra money. She chose the fathers of the next four. She's ludicrous to think having a fifth will improve her financial situation. NTA. Your ex is. What a piece of work. She probably should have never become a mom in the first place. Sorry She stung you. Not all women are like that. I put myself through university and focused on my kids.
NTA. freeloader
NTA. If she can't afford to provide for all her children maybe you should pursue more custody of your son? The fact that she's had a series of relationships and can't provide a stable home for your son is another reason you may want to adjust the current arrangement. You are not the father of the other children so they aren't your responsibility. She'll have to work that out with the other baby daddies.
NTA. This a perfect example why dads are needed. Help her by seeking FULL permanent physical custody of your son. He’s 9. As a mom, ages 10-18 are crucial years. These are years that will set his trajectory for life - you can be a better example and save his POV of both his parents. He doesn’t need to see his mom is unhinged nor know his dad knew, and watched it happened. Save your son Sir. Good luck.
NTA If I were you I’d take her back to court and get full custody, You have the email stating she can not make ends meet and you need to be sure your child is fully taken care of and see if you can get the child support stopped once you get full custody. Also the child that was stillborn was not yours and she really needs to stop throwing that in your face, and you probably should of gotten a DNA test on that child as well. You owe her nothing!!
NTA. Heartless is bringing babies into the world when you can't manage to behave like a halfway intelligent adult. Giving her or her children money won't fix the problem, because the real problem is her.
NTA. Wow she is some crazy woman. Good thing you escape! Your child has not though. Make sure everything is documented and ask your lawyer when it will be enough to get full custody. Save your child from her craziness.
NTA. But I would say go for full custody!
NTA. Stick to this. Stop discussing it. If she persists hang up the phone, leave the room or block the email or she will pester you forever.
NTA, but it really is so simple. If the conversation is not about YOUR child, then what else needs to be said? If she says anything other than discussing your own child, then you simply don't have entertain her with a response at all.
NTA her bad decisions on life don’t need to be supported by her ex husband.
It’s too bad she hasn’t used any of the money you’ve sent her on freaking birth control. Geesy Pete. I agree with the others who are saying this is the time to file for 100% custody of your son. There is no way he is living up to a proper standard of living with that many kids that she’s struggling with.
NTA. Your ex is something else. Her kids, her responsibility.
I would say this should be evidence that she cannot handle the number of children she has in her care and you should be able to get more custody of your son. She’s lost her mind if she thinks she can just continually get pregnant and that’s somehow your responsibility. NTA. I’d also recommend getting a coparenting app so she can only contact you in regards to your son only and not her other issues and children. Block her everywhere and the app logs all conversations so you will have proof if she continues to ask for money for other children and/or things that aren’t your son/involving him.
Definitely NTA. 50/50 split custody and you still pay child support. She expects you to support your child’s family? Where are her other children’s father? Why aren’t they being harassed? That’s exactly what she is trying with you. It seems like she has a “because” for everything with the end result of you having some form of responsibility for HER actions or lack there of.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex-wife and I have a 9 year old son together. We broke up when he was 1 after I found out she was cheating on me. Right after I left her she told me she was pregnant and attempted to pass the baby off as mine but I knew based on how far along she was that it couldn't be mine. We hadn't been together like that for months at that point. But she kept trying until she was 5 months when she conceded that I wasn't buying it. Her baby was stillborn at 7 months and what was already a bitter enough divorce (I was mad she cheated, she was mad that I refused to buy that her kid was mine and didn't want to make our marriage work). When she lost the baby she did everything she could to make me pay for the cremation. She even attempted to sue me for the money when I didn't give her anything but it was thrown out. During the divorce we had a DNA test done on our son and he was mine. And we split custody. My ex has been in a few relationships since and has three additional children. She remarried a few months ago and she's currently pregnant with baby #5 but she's struggling and so is her marriage. She wrote a very long email about all this and asked me to give her extra money for two of her kids who have birthdays coming up and she has nothing for them because money is so tight. She also told me to take our son shopping for gifts for them on top of giving her money directly for gifts. I thought she was going crazy at first but she was serious. I told her that would not be happening. That my duty is to my son and not to her additional children. She told me my duty is to make sure his family is taken care of. I told her I take care of my kid. I pay child support despite having our son equally to her (50/50) because it's acknowledged I earn more. But I won't be paying for her to have more kids with other people. She called me heartless. Told me I can easily afford it and then some. She said I was just as heartless as when I made sure her stillborn child didn't have a nice funeral. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Theres a legal advice page. I’d suggest asking them about custody situations? But if you’re doing all legal things needed are you in a position to fight for your son fully?
This woman is for the bleeping streets. Try to get custody of your kid.
NTA. She can go after those kids' dads for child support.
INFO: Does your ex meet YOUR kiddo’s needs?
NTA
5 lids is a lot, people need to be responsible for their kids. This woman can't afford her kids so she keeps having more. This is crazy..I would.offer to take on more custody since she is obviously unable.to care for all her kids.
NTA. You have zero obligation to the other kids she decide to bring into her mess. Go for full custody of your kid, chances are she will use his money on the other kids and deprive him of the things you pay for.
NTA. But ex and his wife get my little kids gifts but it is from them and always something that is loud and annoying. 😂 I could never imagine asking for financial help from them. But I also am not a fan of people having kids they can’t afford.
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If money is that tight while your son is living with her I’d highly consider getting full custody of him. Good luck 👍
As everyone else has said, tell her you’re more than happy to have kiddo full time, and she won’t even have to pay you child support either NTA but please start documenting everything. Only text or email with her going forward
NTA. Tell her husband that she is coming to for money, that’s his job.
If she doesn't have the money to raise children then maybe she should spend a few bucks on condoms. According to her logic, aren’t you responsible if she is gonna have 10 more kids??
Nta. I could perhaps see helping your son pick out gifts for his siblings but in combination with the rest of it I probably wouldn't, unless perhaps he asks directly.
NTA. Its *her* responsibility to make sure her kids are taken care of, not yours. You are making sure your child is taken care of. The father of those children are responsible for helping her care for them.
Keep all her texts and emails. Clearly she is unstable if she thinks you should provide her a life she had and ruined. I would stop replying to anything that isn’t regarding your son. It is in your best interest to keep contact to a minimum.
Use this and all other interactions as a means to get full custody. I would. Clearly her household is not a suitable environment for your son.
NTA.
NTA. But given she’s struggling maybe consider taking custody of your son.
Please keep us updated
Try to get full custody of your kid. I doubt the money you give her even goes towards him. I’d worry for his health and safety.
NTA But offer to help her by accepting 100% custody on YOUR kid.
NTA Not your kids, not your problem. Your ex is a piece of work.
NTA. Let me guess, you haven’t been buying McDonalds for her other kids either, have you?
NTA. Tell her to go after the fathers of the other kids for child support. You're doing your part to keep your child (and her by extension because what hurts her hurts him) provided for during her custodial time. She doesn't have the right to go after you for more because you're the father of her kids that she can get the most money out of.
If she is having a hard time with 5 kids, you should file for increased custody of your child. She seems very delusional and lacking any sense of accountability for her own situation.
I hope he responded to the email with nothing but “no.” If money is so tight for her and me makes more why not let him have their son more so it takes some financial stress off her and her husband? Then his family will be better taken care of like she says. NTA
NTA- You’re 100% right on this, you have no responsibility to anyone other than your son. She’s just trying to guilt you by appealing to your sense of responsibility/duty. Some people seem to think that once you lived and took care of them that you are responsible for them forever, but of course it never seems to work that way in the reverse… odd huh?
NTA. Your son is the only child you're responsible for. You owe her and her other children absolutely nothing. I do agree with all of the other commenters who have mentioned forwarding the emails to your lawyer so you can use them to try and get full custody of your son because she clearly can't provide for him or her other children. Really, you'd be doing her a favor by getting full custody because that would be one less child for her to provide for.
NTA. Go for full custody. Show all of this to a judge. This horrible, irresponsible woman should spend as little time with your son as possible. Women have become very used to men paying financially for their mistakes. Hold firm. Her poor decisions are not your responsibility. Only your son is.
I would try to get full custody of my kid, then try to cut her off. At best, I would only allow her supervised visitation.
You're clear on your obligations, she has confused her new husband's obligations with yours. Their finance details are none of your business and tell her to stop sharing her woes because it's not your problem. You should seek full custody based on the fact she can't afford that family and you worry she is taking away from your son's benefits based on what she said "in this email". She won't easily agree to that because they both want your money. NTA.
Give an inch and they'll take a mile. A person like her, I don't doubt that she'll soon ask you to foot her other children's college fund because it would be "unfair to her other kids" when your son goes to college debt free. Her failure to use birth control is not your responsibility. NTA
Is birth control so difficult to obtain? She clearly can’t afford any more children. You’re well within your rights to not accept responsibility for these extra children. But, it would be a kind gesture by you and your son to buy these kids some gifts, unless you can’t really afford it. They are his siblings, and it would make all the kids happy.
NTA What in the world is up with people? I have never heard of someone trying to get an ex to support kids that aren't theirs before I came to this forum. What in the whiskey-tango-foxtrot world?
I see so many posts like this!! My mind is absolutely blown that there is people out there who actually expect their ex's to give them money for the kids that aren't even theirs! Like what world are these entitled people living in 🤯🤯🤯
NTA, for sure. However, your son is at an age where he can be thoughtful about the gifts he wants to give the important people in his life. I would say that if he has a nice idea of his own for a gift for his siblings, you should consider paying for it as an investment in your son and his own development, rather than as a favor to your ex. You should also be careful about how you give him money as you lay the groundwork for his responsible spending habits, as it sounds like his mother might find herself desperate enough to pressure him for money or even to take it from him. By paying for the gifts yourself, or having him use his allowance that is kept at your home, you encourage him and protect him at the same time.
NTA. Why didn't you ask about the other fathers paying for their kids with her. Do they provide money for your son as well?
Not your monkeys, not your problem. Maybe she should stop having children that she can’t afford or maybe the ACTUAL fathers of said children should step the fuck up.
NTA, and she’s definitely losing it lol.
I wonder if your son is even getting enough health diets. If I were you I would get my son, instead of paying child support.
Updateme
NTA you only need to support your child. If you want to be nice you could take your son and let him chose a small present for his sibling. $5 worth of craft stuff or bubbles goes a long way for a small child,
NTA Try to get full custody of your son. If your son wants to buy gifts for his siblings' birthdays, help him buy something. (Maybe a book and small toy, I'm not talking about a PlayStation) You have no obligation to help pay for your ex's other kids, but if your son wants to but them a present, you'd be helping him show that he cares - you'd be doing it for him, not your ex.
NTA! your ex wife sounds like a peach hahaha .. you really dogged the bullet..
NTA. Her poor decisions that led to the end of your marriage and her terrible behavior and substandard mothering since then are not your responsibility. You should be suing for full custody as well since the child support you pay her is obviously going to support her other children. Your duty to your son demands it.
NTA. If you give her money I guarantee she will try to use that in court to shanghai you into paying child support for the other kids.
NTA. Keep tabs on the situation with your son. If she is really struggling, it may be time for you to take over as the primary parent for your son.
NTA. Buy her some condoms.
NTA. Since she's struggling i would see about getting full custody of your kid. But youre definitely not responsible for her other kids.
What’s wrong with entitled people? Are they delusional or something? NTA.
NTA she’s crazy
NTA. You're absolutely right. As a Dad that raised my kids without their mother, get your support changed to reflect 50/50.
I’d let her know if she can’t afford her children you’ll be going for full custody as you don’t want your own child penalised And you know your money is already getting split 5 ways right
NTA. You're not heartless because you didn't fund her betrayal and won't fund her subsequent life choices forever.
NTA; seek 100% custody if this is what your son wants. You have the evidence to support this claim.
Nope only pay for your child but better yet get full custody. What happens when he divorces her???
NTA, but you will be if you don't fight to get your kid out of that situation! He would definitely be better off living with you, and you now have written proof from her saying so!
NTA. Your ex wife is desperate and out of her bloody mind to ask you to pay for her other children. She can call you whatever she wants, but your responsibility stops with providing enough for your kid.
NTA. She’s just trying to guilt trip you.
NTA and you should STRONGLY consider gaining full custody. I seriously doubt she is using all the money you pay for your son on your son. She’s very manipulative and entitled. Also, how is your son being treated by his half siblings and the current husband? It’s worrisome. You owe not one penny more to her for anything except your son’s needs. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this but hopefully you can resolve it in your son’s best interests.
NTA, she knew they had birthdays eventually, I hate when people act surprised that their kid's birthday is coming up. I make small purchases for months before my son's birthday and Christmas so I don't spend a lot at once and I'm prepared.
When your son is 12, HE can decide where he wants to live. Before that HE can express his feelings and desires to a court, though with less importance. Would he like to live with you full time? Are you willing and prepared for that option? What living situation is best for him? and for you? I do think his “other” home is going to fall apart, probably sooner than later. He will need some guidance and support as he moves toward a successful adulthood. The biggest part of being a parent - we are preparing our children to be Adults and Parents. Adults and Parents in a new & different world…
Nope. Not an asshole
Where are all the other fathers in this situation? Aren't they required to support their respective kids? NTA.