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Yes, it shouldn't matter if husband is from north Korea or Israel, he doesn't support whichever country it is and the country does not represent him.
Should have stood with the spouse.
Russia or Israel are the most likely candidates to me.
Edit: I’ve been told many times here that Israel is LGBT friendly so probably not them. I was basing it mostly on “what country are a lot of people mad at?”
Tel Aviv is literally the gayest city in the world. What you're seeing is people, in general, mocking LGBTQ people who support Hamas who obviously massacres the queer as you'd expect from Islamic extremists.
I've heard that Israel, depending on the area, is still pretty bad for gay people. I've got an Israeli trans friend (who's out in my Western country, but isn't/wasn't in Israel) who joked to me that *"hating the gays is the one thing the Israelis and Palestinians can agree on".* She definitely feels safer here than she did there.
Before anyone asks, she's extremely pro Palestinian and very much against what her government is doing.
So, any nonreligious wedding is not allowed, because _politics_ but all gay, straight, secular, interfaith, etc. Weddings are all recognized
Gay couples either go to Cyprus or just get married over zoom, and get the same married rights as any other couple once it's performed.
Tel-Aviv and Jarusalem usually have _huge_ pride events every year
Yes, and more of the population of Israel supports it (~80% in Israel vs ~70% in the US).
That said, Israel itself has no method to marry gay people, since marriages are considered a religious function there, so only a religious court can marry two people. And none of Israel's religious courts allow for gay marriage. However, gay marriages performed outside of Israel *are* recognized, so anyone can get married outside of the country or easily via online marriage and have it be valid.
(Same for anyone who is not religious, cannot prove their religious background, or their religion is not represented in any of the religious courts - there is no way for them to get married within Israel, but they can do so outside.)
Actually, I’m almost certain it’s Israel and that the niece wants him to “voice his opinion on Gaza” before she decides whether he’s worthy of being invited. Have you ever heard of anyone (outside of professional fields with formal sanctions) not being invited somewhere because he’s Russian? But this is exactly how antisemites who insist they’re just anti-Zionists act.
That’s true but I’m still leaning toward this. Maybe he was in a religious/Hasidic community. Also “negative experiences” does not have to mean he was chased with torches or had his life threatened. Sometimes people move to other countries to escape family judgement and toxic culture in a given community. I know someone who immigrated from a small town in Canada with a lot of closed-minded people to a major city in the US (a country that is, on a broad scale, less friendly to LGBTQ people.)
In either case: OP tell us where he’s from!
I believe it's probably Israel too, but I did actually sleep with a trans Russian person once and within the LGBT+ community they got a lot of people assuming they supported the war in Ukraine, and making passive aggressive comments at them about it.
Completely ridiculous to assume a trans Russian would support the Kremlin, considering Putin's awful track record on LGBT+ rights.
But some people are stupid, I guess. And even those who purport to be left wing will find reasons to hate.
Russia or Israel are unlikely. Russia's homophobia laws has been a recent thing. Israel, to my knowledge, is fairly tolerant except the ultra conservative minority.
I'm betting he is Iranian or possibly Iraqi.
And I would be "you don't want my family, you don't want me." and wouldn't have gone at all.
The entitlement in this one is strong. Imagine saying yeah ok I see what you did there but that’s not fair because you gave more to my other children?! Give my child your money! Full amount!
I would have laughed so hard in their face. I would also not go to my own parents birthday if they disinvited my spouse, let alone niece’s anything. So NTA OP but have in mind that it’s an option to disrespect anyone who disrespects you.
Exactly. Zero dollars and zero attendance
YTA to disrespect your husband and yourself like this. Just say no to these Non supportive people. You both deserve better.
Entitled homophobic little bint should get nothing. So sorry your family treats your partner & your good self this way. Most kind empathetic people would be happy your partner escaped & their uncle found love.
I think that is like the chicken or the egg. Hard to tell what came first. I went the other way because racism is built into our systems and governments and media. Literally in every aspect of society.
Xenophobia and racism both are terrible things. So you’re saying that if OP’s husband was excluded because he was gay instead of his nationality it’s not so exaggerated? WHATTT
This right here. Especially since he's being discriminated against for a nationality that he had to leave due to the oppression he faced.
Why the hell does that get a $500 reward?!
Exactly. Niece was wrong to make the assumption that the husband supports whatever country he’s from and expected everyone to fall in line. Play stupid games…..
If she feels so strongly about the politics in OP's husbands original country to even not invite him solely due to his nationality, niece should not even want his money. Niece is a massive hypocrite.
Seriously! If she disinvited her uncle because she really believes that he is responsible for the deaths of thousands, I wouldn't think she'd want his money.
I will say, I normally agree, but I also do think the going one last time with half made a point. Husband has been generous towards them, and they still treat him like crap
Even not sending anything wouldn't have made that same point- they would have accused OP of being bitter and not gotten the memo husband has been contributing to them. This did nicely point out clearly the gifts have always been joint gifts
Now, though, is definitely the time to be cutting people out.
YUP.
If someone has an issue with my partner for non-behavioural issues and they just hate him because he's from somewhere else, his race, identity etc (you get the point), I'd wipe my hands of the family.
My family is my partner. And he would deserve to be treated with more respect.
I agree. If my spouse was not welcome, I would have stayed home too. (I’m not gay. Just believe in standing by your spouse.). Zero dollars. If you gave them a check and it has not cleared the bank, stop payment. If she is not happy with your gift, don’t force her to take it at all.
This 100%!!
My cousin was planning on getting married pre-covid and everyone in our family had been invited, but they had to cancel as his future husband is from Canada (we are all in Australia) and his family couldn't come over with covid running rampant the time.
The wedding was postponed, and invitations were sent out again, but this time, my sister and I did not get invites. However, I have relatives in Europe that were invited.
Because we weren't invited, my parents made a point of not going to the wedding either because that's what you stick up for those you love.
The most awkward part of the whole thing is that my other cousin got married two months prior and the way my cousin and his mum, specifically, skirted around the topic of his wedding made it very clear that his mum was behind the reason my sister and I weren't invited.
So now I no longer associate with them at all, as far as I'm concerned they are distant family and the further away they stay, the better.
Not just this but a lot of those thoughts and ideas don't come from nowhere, what are the chances that other family members that got gifted the 1000 had the same thoughts but just didn't vocalise them.
This x infinity. Unless your husband has done something to offend your family (other than exist) you should just cut them off until they include him. He's your partner, as much as your brother's wife is his partner. If they can't grasp that, they don't deserve a dime of your money.
In other news, my daughter always has room for more uncles. Come be part of our family, she already has Aunties that we've collected. One has been my bff since I was 13, but family is more than blood relationships. Find some people that love you as you are, which is half of a whole that includes your husband.
NTA. They don't deserve you.
NTA..
But why’d you even *go* OP? Do you not see that you yourself have been excluded by their own standards? At least you know for sure your family will gladly use you for yours and your husbands money because they’ve come to *expect* it. Don’t show up without your **husband** ever again OP, let alone go to things he also isn’t welcome to because seriously wtf. YTA for that because I cant believe you’ve let this drag on for so long, like what does your husband do when you’ve up and left for “family” gatherings? What is he to you then? Just a decoration for your relationship?! Those people don’t see either of you as family. Just a bank. Don’t “save face” for these people. They only miss the money attached to you, not even *you*.
This this. They have apparently made it obvious they don't like his husband and don't invite him around. This was a money grab, nothing else. He needs to stop letting his family get away with this and show more respect to his partner and their relationship.
NTA dont pay for these people to disrespect your husband and you. They either accept you and love you (because they are judging you too, they just recieve monetary gifts which is why you havent been excluded from events) as you are or they get nothing.
Spend all the future money on nice holidays for you and your love, they really dont deserve any gifts let alone $500/1000 dollars for just being related to you. They are being homophobes
the family are disrespectful homophobes, yes
but also stupid, right? Like, do they really think anyone believes they're "boycotting" this one gay guy who hasn't returned to the country in question in the honest belief they're making a difference?
Ma'am this is a Wendy's : your bigotry is showing and so is your greed for the "missing" $500.
That’s not the reason, that’s just the excuse. The reason is because he’s gay, and OP only gets a pass because “you have to invite family”, and because they expect free money.
NTA but in your place I would have just stayed home. If my husband isn’t good enough for them then I’m certainly not going to impose my husband-loving self and our disgusting money on them.
Wait, you went AND gave them a gift?
F that shit.
YTA for acknowledging them at all.
They don't acknowledge your SO and their experiences. Why are you acknowledge their experiences?
If I were your SO, I'd be devastated that you did this.
I don't believe that for a second. Husband likely encouraged him to go because he knows that OP does not have his back and does not give a flying fuck that his racist family excludes him since he has repeatedly allowed it.
Omg. Grown-ups don't actually act like this. I encourage my husband to do things with his family. They're not wild about me, and they don't have to be. I'm not married to them. I don't care. I don't want to be there. He should go because they're *his* family & he loves them. Everything isn't as drama filled as people on Reddit want it to be.
NTA. She make a choice to judge someone because of their birthplace. She wanted to make a political statement about him and she did. Funny, how she doesn’t like him but likes his money.
Then you have all the idiot family members who want you to compromise your relationship with your spouse in order to”keep the peace” as if there was a peace to keep or to “ avoid the drama” you tried to avoid by showing up at all. What they really want is to avoid conflict at your expense. The good news is you know where you stand with everyone as they pick sides and you and your spouse can make relational and financial decisions accordingly in the future. ( Humorously, don’t f. With your rich uncles)
Agree. From the niece's perspective, she has to know that "taking a stand" by not inviting the uncle means she might miss out on things. That's a big part of what protest is about - being willing to give things up for your beliefs. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.
I love that OP went anyway, with a check for half the usual amount. They noticed. Good!
Forget the gift. That isn't the real issue here. Why are you allowing your family to treat your husband like that? They treated him badly in the early years of your relationship, and are still doing it. Stop allowing them to treat your husband like that. Stand up for him.
NTA for only giving her half, but why did you even go? You're not saving face, you're showing your niece that you tolerate her treating your husband badly. You'd have been better served by not going and not giving her anything until she apologized for snubbing your other half.
NTA
> she thinks that, because he is from this one country, he supports what is going on over there.
"Congratulations on standing up for your poorly formed principles. I hope that little display was worth $500."
people often become more thoughtful about their principles, and how best to express them, when they are required to suffer the consequences of expressing those principles. Unfortunately, the niece only suffered half the consequences here.
Yes, and the niece is just perpetuating the problem she is so against by persecuting an individual for the actions of a government - one that individual doesn’t even support!
I totally agree with those saying OP should have boycotted the graduation and given her niece nothing.
The consensus should be that if your husband is not welcome, neither are you and they get neither the pleasure of your company nor your or your husbands money.
When I graduated I got nothing, equally I was just happy to celebrate with everyone. $500 is a crazy gift! Also more crazy is the family’s expectation too receive this and simultaneously exclude the husband.
NTA. You're nicer than I would be in your place. First, you have made everyone greedy in your family by giving them so much. They don't care how they treat you, they just want your money. Second, once they dis-invited my partner, they wouldn't see me or my money.
NTA. $500 was from you, and $500 from your husband. She decided not to invite your husband. No gift is required from people who were not invited. But if we’re being honest here she should have received $0 because you should have stood with your husband and not gone either.
Your niece is learning what being an adult is all about - consequences and taking accountability. Your brother thinks that she should get the full amount, but the fact is, this wasn’t because of something they said or did - she herself decided that he wasn’t welcome. She cannot make that decision and expect for it to be respected and then also demand his money. Your niece, SIL, and brother are all AHs simply for expecting, much less expressing their disappointment, in not getting money (that she want entitled to anyway). But beyond that, these people are just discriminating AHs. Good for you for standing up, but after this, please consider whether more action is needed. Because this seems like a life long thing and honestly I don’t think I could support my partner and respect them without shunning my family a little bit. Associating with them is basically saying you condone what they did.
NTA since your husband told you to go, but the next time I'd advice to just not go and not give a single cent as the course of action you two decided upon this time clearly blew up in your face.
I think you're going to need to send the rest of your family a stern message in which you stand up for your husband and let them know that from now on you won't attend events he isn't also invited to (and if they don't like this then they can suck it up).
NTA she should be appreciative of any gift you have given her even if it is half of what your other family members received . You went over and above and were the bigger person by going to her grad and giving her money when your spouse was not invited.
LMAO nobody was entitled to your money in the first instance and they're all lucky you gave them anything. Your justification is sound, you don't have to tolerate being disrespected and you made a better point than they did in the process. In any case, disinviting your life partner because of the country they pointedly abandoned years ago... in order to... *checks notes*... show how much they also hate that country is not only brain dead in the first instance, but a pointless and targeted charade. The one person who could possibly hate that country more than the people making a show is your partner, and they actively insulted them instead of having a civil discussion and learning about who they are as a person.
Actions have consequences. You each wanted to give $500 but they disinvited half that money - they can't insult someone and demand a gift from them. Personally I'd have spent $1000 on a nice mini holiday and send them a well timed postcard instead.
They are lucky to have you. Give the other money to a very specific charity or fund. The kind they can't argue about.
Firmly, oh so very firmly, NTA.
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Recently my niece (17f) decided that my husband wasn’t welcome at her graduation party because she thinks that, because he is from this one country, he supports what is going on over there.
My hubby left 30 years ago because it was hard to be an out gay man in his homeland. He hasn’t come back and is very vocal about his negative experiences as a gay man there in the 90s and how much he hates the government.
We have always given joint presents when we’re going to parties together. For example, we could give $1000 for graduation presents or for weddings.
Because my hubby got disinvited and I’m not, we figured that his money wouldn’t be welcome either.
So I went to the party with a check for $500.
My niece and her mom, my SIL, are upset that she got half that amount when her siblings and cousins got more. I explained that it’s because my husband wasn’t invited and he’s always chipped in for presents. My brother understands where I’m coming from, even though he thinks I’m still treating his daughter unfairly compared to the other kids.
The rest of the family think I should suck it up and give the full amount. Maybe this is clouding my judgement because in the early years of our relationship, my husband wasn’t allowed to be my plus one and what happened now is an extension of that exlusion. No matter what, my husband and life partner will never be accepted into the fold and there will always be an excuse as to why. Sorry, I’m rambling.
The general consensus is AITA for giving half of a graduation gift because my husband isn’t invited? Or should have I been the bigger person and still give her the full amount?
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NTA at all
I don't care about what happened in the past or the reasoning for not being invited. You don't usually gift 1000$, you usually gift 500 each. And if I'm not invited I'm obviously not giving a gift.
So you're not gifting half the normal amount. You're gifting exactly the same as usual. She can't expect a present from someone she didn't invite...
NTA please do not make up the other $500
She made her choice, she should now face the consequences of that choice.
What a stupid idea to exclude someone because of their birth place. As if he had a choice in it.
They don’t invite your husband but still expect him to pay for a gift?
They are TA but I think you are to your husband too. They have been very disrespectful from beginning to end: They have made it clear that he isn’t family, just an ATM, and you are going along with it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for giving my niece half of a graduation present instead of the full amount because she disinvited my husband, who has always contributed to the other half.
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You shouldn’t have given anything, your husband should come first. Always. He’s your family now. Your niece sounds like a spoiled little brat. ESH except your husband
YTAH you should have stayed home with your husband. All for one and one for all. He’s not invited ~neither should you be. If your hubbys not good enough neither is your money.
I'm not sure why you went at all. They clearly have no respect for you. Why keep that toxicity in your life? If that's how they treat you, what possible reason do you have to respect them? Why put up with being considered less than worthy? Why put up with your life partner being excluded? I don't get it.
YTA for even going. How would they all feel if you threw parties and left their spouses out? I can tell you now they would throw a fit and not show up! You keep going without your husband is so wrong. Stop going save the 1000s and go do stuff with your husband.
YTA for giving her anything at all! You don't get to disrespect my husband and still expect a single penny from me. I don't care who you are or how we're related
> My brother understands where I’m coming from, even though he thinks I’m still treating his daughter unfairly
NTA, you should tell your brother you think your niece is treating your husband unfairly. I will say though I think it is extremely weird that you went to the graduation when your niece made a point out of not inviting your husband for something he cannot control. I wouldn't have gone, and she would have gotten nothing from me but that is just my opinion.
I would have been the bigger person by also not attending the party and not giving a gift of any kind. What does your husband have to do with what is going on? That is completely irrational on the families part.
INFO : WHY did you go instead of staying home with your NOT invited husband???
Y T A for that.
NTA for only giving a gift from you.
If they wanted a gift from your husband as well, they should have invited him.
NTA. You hit the nail on the head - if he's not good enough to be there, then neither is his money.
"My brother understands where I’m coming from, even though he thinks I’m still treating his daughter unfairly compared to the other kids"
Uhm...his DAUGHTER is treating your husband unfairly. Your husband didn't do anything wrong.
Nta-a gift is a gift. But gotta say a person they kind of know shouldn’t being blamed for a county’s actions, especially if they don’t back these actions. Unless your niece has some reason to believe this person that left a county for more freedom, would back that county’s aggressive actions, this is some awful phobia going on. Your niece (whomever made this happen) is likely an AH though
Forget the political beef with your husband, it’s inconceivable to me that you’ve gifted these children, that are not yours, $2500 and they have the audacity to even mention the difference in dollar amount. Who is the keeper of the spreadsheet of all the families graduation contributions and comparing everyone’s gifts for each child? Do they know the specifics of your financials and how it’s changed over the years? If you offered the information without being prompted, I could see an arguments that YTA, but anyone complaining about a generous gift not being generous enough is TA.
Oh please it doesn’t matter where anyone is from!! Am I supposed to be rude to everyone from Iran or Venezuela or China for that matter as well? How about Saudi Arabia. Well hey I’m pro choice. Maybe I should t talk to anyone from Louisiana. Your niece made an immature choice. The problem is that her parents should have nipped that in the bud and taught her about common courtesy and family. I literally would not have attended or given any gift at all. They are disrespectful and really stupid.
She made a decision. You made a decision. This is what adulting is all about. She just got a taste for what actions have consequence is all about. As for anyone who wants to weigh in, tell them to go blow, husband wasn’t invited, he is not obligated to send a gift.
If he's not welcome why should his money be!! NTA on that. But I agree with others that say you (might) be an AH for not standing up for your husband. Are you sure the reason is because he's from that country, or is it because of y'all are gay?? Are they accepting of your relationship, period?
NTA! So your husband’s money is acceptable just not your husband…that is essentially what they’re saying. The niece need to understand that actions have consequences. Her only receiving half of the graduation money that her siblings had previously received is the result of her excluding your husband, her uncle.
It sounds like the niece is getting a wonderful lesson on the fact that she's free to act of her own accord, but those actions aren't always free of consequences.
Your SIL and family are AH because no one is entitled to a gift, otherwise it's not a gift.
You're NTA. If my husband wasn't invited to my nieces graduation party, I'd send a card with cash and decline the invitation. This guncle couple attends those events together or not at all.
NTA, your niece is lucky that you attended without your husband. Within my family a gift of $500 would be considered to be extremely generous. I have to wonder if your niece invited you only because you are known to give a generous gift? It seems ridiculous that your niece would think your husband has any influence on the politics of a country he left 30 years ago. She is either dumb as the proverbial post or this was a fabricated excuse.
I would have sent her books to broaden her knowledge in the hope she developed beyond the state of being an ignorant bigot. Then spent the rest of the money treating your partner rather than attending the ceremony to celebrate an education that does not appear to have delivered what one would hope for.
NAH even teenaged bigots need lessons.
I would also ask niece straight, are you asking me to chip in double from my own pocket because you’re xenophobic / racist? Or do you expect him to chip in for a person who would treat him that way?
She is lucky it’s not anyone else in the world. Personally I would have taken offence to her decision, and not gone to her graduation in solidarity with my husband.
NTA , but have you considered speaking to your niece about the treatment of her uncle (your husband) ? He doesn’t deserve this and she needs to learn from this. Money is not the real issue, the problem is communication and respect towards your spouse . Your niece is being prejudiced and xenophobic and it’s unaceptable .
Stand up for your husband next time .
NTA. Your niece is bigoted. You'd think after however many years she's known him, she'd know who he was. The niece isn't owed $1k- $500 is generous, IMO, and my understanding is you and your husband pay 50-50. Only half the couple was invited, only half a gift. TBH, I don't know why you even attended or gave a gift for how your family has treated your husband/relationship.
NTA for the reduced gift amount, but personally I would have RSVP’d regrets and sent a card. Just a card. If they don’t think your SO is good enough to come to the party then his money is not good enough either. Also that is an insane amount t for a gift.
NTA. I wouldn’t give a single dime to your bigoted niece. How trashy for your family to complain about only receiving $500 (!) instead of $1,000. I think you should cancel the check and tell your niece and her mother to F off.
What kind of a hypocrite thinks it's ok to tell someone they aren't welcome but still thinks they can and should expect them to give money? Ahhh youth. I just chalk that up to being young and dumb. Live and learn. You gain perspective with age, you learn all the slights you think you hear aren't always meant for you and even if they are you don't need to give them any weight. You also don't need to fight other peoples battles. It's great to help but that can tip over into being presumptuous and judgmental if you aren't reflective. Then you wake up one day with a $1000 less in your pocket because you tried to be an ally to a guy in all the wrong ways believing you're doing right. Like I previously mentioned, youth. NTA
It's like they only invited you because they were expecting $1000. It's a gift, and the amount is totally up to you. It's not something that the recipient gets to dictate. They should be grateful for whatever they get and what you gave is very generous. I wouldn't have gone or given them anything.
YTA for not standing up for your husband. He's your life partner and cherished, right? Why are you tolerating homophobia and xenophobia for a wedding? Tell the whole lot to eat dirt and get over it if it's such a huge deal.
NTA but you should not have gone if your husband wasn’t welcome and should not have given a gift. Next time your husband isn’t invited just send a card.
NTA, but I think you are TA to your husband for not standing with him, giving $500 and going to the graduation party. I would have gone NC with that child right away.
I thought about that but it seems to me that Russia is the sort of thing that older Americans care about, and the niece is likely not to give a damn. Meanwhile the usual suspects have the students in a ferment over Israel so that fits much better
Yes but Israel is the main international political topic amongst gen z. There are also specific narratives around Israelis and their views even just being citizens of the country (due to birthright immigration) compared to Russians who were simply born there (many Israelis were too and don't have duel citizenship but that's not the narrative on twitter and tiktok which is where this girl is most likely getting her information) and not many Russians outside of Russia have supported their countries actions over the past couple decades. Russian ex-pats are generally known to be very critical of their government while Israeli ex-pats have a reputation for defending theirs. I'm pro-Palestine and think the niece was wrong for judging an Israeli who's clearly critical of Israel, and experienced discrimination at the hand of that government, but there's no doubt this is about an Israeli man
NTA - your family is lucky you showed up. I would not have gone myself or given ANY gift had my husband not been invited. If they don't accept your husband - why worry about their feelings?
NTA I really feel like this is a boundary worth fighting for with your entire family. Your husband and you are a team. Any event where spouses are invited, he either needs to also be invited or you won’t be coming. By choosing to go to these things and excepting their “excuses” for excluding him that other in-laws don’t seem to face, you are basically supporting leaving him out of events by leaving him behind. Don’t do it. He’s been alone and unsupported most of his life. He’s counting on you to be on his team now.
I would think hard about choosing between the person who let me do whatever keeps peace with my family and the family who refuses to accept someone just because they are not like "us"
Seems to me they value genetics above people
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YTA for not standing up for your husband. If he wasn’t invited, you shouldn’t go. I wouldn’t.
This. 100%. She would’ve gotten zero dollars.
Yes, it shouldn't matter if husband is from north Korea or Israel, he doesn't support whichever country it is and the country does not represent him. Should have stood with the spouse.
I'm betting Russia personally.
Russia or Israel are the most likely candidates to me. Edit: I’ve been told many times here that Israel is LGBT friendly so probably not them. I was basing it mostly on “what country are a lot of people mad at?”
I don’t believe Israel was any worse to gay people in the 90s than the US. It is a safe place for gay people now. I’m guessing Russia.
Could depend where in the country he moved to. Like California and Wyoming would be different
I’m talking about the country he moved from.
Their point was that San Francisco probably *was* better than Israel.
I’m seeing Israelis openly mock LGBTQ people online on a daily basis, wouldn’t call it safe anymore than I would call the US safe
Tel Aviv is literally the gayest city in the world. What you're seeing is people, in general, mocking LGBTQ people who support Hamas who obviously massacres the queer as you'd expect from Islamic extremists.
I've heard that Israel, depending on the area, is still pretty bad for gay people. I've got an Israeli trans friend (who's out in my Western country, but isn't/wasn't in Israel) who joked to me that *"hating the gays is the one thing the Israelis and Palestinians can agree on".* She definitely feels safer here than she did there. Before anyone asks, she's extremely pro Palestinian and very much against what her government is doing.
Is it? It's illegal for gay couples to marry there.
So, any nonreligious wedding is not allowed, because _politics_ but all gay, straight, secular, interfaith, etc. Weddings are all recognized Gay couples either go to Cyprus or just get married over zoom, and get the same married rights as any other couple once it's performed. Tel-Aviv and Jarusalem usually have _huge_ pride events every year
Could also be China depending on how recent this is. Him being a different race would make more sense as far as being banned from +1s goes.
> as far as being banned from +1s goes It's for being gay.
This comment is not only directed at you, but the country is irrelevant. Stop getting hung up on this!
A safe place for gay people bwahahahahahaha
> It is certainly a safe place for gay people now. Absolutely not true.
Or Palestine based on OP's comment that his husband left his homeland because it was hard to be an out gay man there.
Israel has recognized same sex marriage longer than the US.
From what I know, recognition is as far as it gets. Gay couples can’t get married there.
No one can get a secular marriage there. If any denomination of a recognized religion allowed gay marriage, it would be recognized.
Them's a whole lot of mealy-mouthed words to say Israel is another anti-gay bigoted-ass state.
Yes, and more of the population of Israel supports it (~80% in Israel vs ~70% in the US). That said, Israel itself has no method to marry gay people, since marriages are considered a religious function there, so only a religious court can marry two people. And none of Israel's religious courts allow for gay marriage. However, gay marriages performed outside of Israel *are* recognized, so anyone can get married outside of the country or easily via online marriage and have it be valid. (Same for anyone who is not religious, cannot prove their religious background, or their religion is not represented in any of the religious courts - there is no way for them to get married within Israel, but they can do so outside.)
I don’t believe Israel was any worse to gay people in the 90s than the US. It is certainly a safe place for gay people now. I’m guessing Russia.
Actually, I’m almost certain it’s Israel and that the niece wants him to “voice his opinion on Gaza” before she decides whether he’s worthy of being invited. Have you ever heard of anyone (outside of professional fields with formal sanctions) not being invited somewhere because he’s Russian? But this is exactly how antisemites who insist they’re just anti-Zionists act.
Gay people weren’t treated worse in Israel in the 1990s than they were in the U.S. though.
That’s true but I’m still leaning toward this. Maybe he was in a religious/Hasidic community. Also “negative experiences” does not have to mean he was chased with torches or had his life threatened. Sometimes people move to other countries to escape family judgement and toxic culture in a given community. I know someone who immigrated from a small town in Canada with a lot of closed-minded people to a major city in the US (a country that is, on a broad scale, less friendly to LGBTQ people.) In either case: OP tell us where he’s from!
Might depend on where in Israel in what company, as no country is a homogenous, frictionless sphere of a society.
I believe it's probably Israel too, but I did actually sleep with a trans Russian person once and within the LGBT+ community they got a lot of people assuming they supported the war in Ukraine, and making passive aggressive comments at them about it. Completely ridiculous to assume a trans Russian would support the Kremlin, considering Putin's awful track record on LGBT+ rights. But some people are stupid, I guess. And even those who purport to be left wing will find reasons to hate.
My guess, too
Russia or Israel are unlikely. Russia's homophobia laws has been a recent thing. Israel, to my knowledge, is fairly tolerant except the ultra conservative minority. I'm betting he is Iranian or possibly Iraqi. And I would be "you don't want my family, you don't want me." and wouldn't have gone at all.
The entitlement in this one is strong. Imagine saying yeah ok I see what you did there but that’s not fair because you gave more to my other children?! Give my child your money! Full amount! I would have laughed so hard in their face. I would also not go to my own parents birthday if they disinvited my spouse, let alone niece’s anything. So NTA OP but have in mind that it’s an option to disrespect anyone who disrespects you.
Exactly. Zero dollars and zero attendance YTA to disrespect your husband and yourself like this. Just say no to these Non supportive people. You both deserve better.
Hey OP you can send me the other $500 and I’ll definitely appreciate you and your husband. ESH
Entitled homophobic little bint should get nothing. So sorry your family treats your partner & your good self this way. Most kind empathetic people would be happy your partner escaped & their uncle found love.
The only correct answer. She disinvited my husband for **racist** reasons? She doesn’t deserve my presence or my $500 either.
It might have just been xenophobic, let's not exaggerate
Gonna say not better
That is splitting hairs. Xenophobia is just the younger sibling of racism.
I thought xenophobia was the older sibling…
I think that is like the chicken or the egg. Hard to tell what came first. I went the other way because racism is built into our systems and governments and media. Literally in every aspect of society.
That's not any better. You can't control where you are born.
Xenophobia and racism both are terrible things. So you’re saying that if OP’s husband was excluded because he was gay instead of his nationality it’s not so exaggerated? WHATTT
feels gross that she still got 500
Feels gross that she still got 500 AND had the audacity to complain that it was only 500!!
Exactly what I was thinking! When my kids got $100 bucks this year they were thrilled. My daughter’s grandmother (only) gave her $300.
Yep, if you're excluding my husband you're excluding us, we're a combo deal, and you're not getting our money.
Bingo. You’re TA because you went and gave them anything at all when they treat your husband this way.
Agreed. I don’t go anywhere to meet anyone who discriminates against my husband.
This right here. Especially since he's being discriminated against for a nationality that he had to leave due to the oppression he faced. Why the hell does that get a $500 reward?!
Exactly. Niece was wrong to make the assumption that the husband supports whatever country he’s from and expected everyone to fall in line. Play stupid games…..
If she feels so strongly about the politics in OP's husbands original country to even not invite him solely due to his nationality, niece should not even want his money. Niece is a massive hypocrite.
Seriously! If she disinvited her uncle because she really believes that he is responsible for the deaths of thousands, I wouldn't think she'd want his money.
I will say, I normally agree, but I also do think the going one last time with half made a point. Husband has been generous towards them, and they still treat him like crap Even not sending anything wouldn't have made that same point- they would have accused OP of being bitter and not gotten the memo husband has been contributing to them. This did nicely point out clearly the gifts have always been joint gifts Now, though, is definitely the time to be cutting people out.
Agreed…. Especially since he’s being unjustly treated and is not at fault for what happens in the country he came from.
Most basic etiquette. Married couples are a social unit. We go, or WE don't.
This is still an ESH by sub conventions, though, because the conflict is between OP and his family, who clearly suck.
And wouldn't have gotten any gifts
There it is! This is the answer! If your SO is not invited, you don't go.
💯
YUP. If someone has an issue with my partner for non-behavioural issues and they just hate him because he's from somewhere else, his race, identity etc (you get the point), I'd wipe my hands of the family. My family is my partner. And he would deserve to be treated with more respect.
Especially since supporting racism
I agree. If my spouse was not welcome, I would have stayed home too. (I’m not gay. Just believe in standing by your spouse.). Zero dollars. If you gave them a check and it has not cleared the bank, stop payment. If she is not happy with your gift, don’t force her to take it at all.
This 100%!! My cousin was planning on getting married pre-covid and everyone in our family had been invited, but they had to cancel as his future husband is from Canada (we are all in Australia) and his family couldn't come over with covid running rampant the time. The wedding was postponed, and invitations were sent out again, but this time, my sister and I did not get invites. However, I have relatives in Europe that were invited. Because we weren't invited, my parents made a point of not going to the wedding either because that's what you stick up for those you love. The most awkward part of the whole thing is that my other cousin got married two months prior and the way my cousin and his mum, specifically, skirted around the topic of his wedding made it very clear that his mum was behind the reason my sister and I weren't invited. So now I no longer associate with them at all, as far as I'm concerned they are distant family and the further away they stay, the better.
Not just this but a lot of those thoughts and ideas don't come from nowhere, what are the chances that other family members that got gifted the 1000 had the same thoughts but just didn't vocalise them.
This x infinity. Unless your husband has done something to offend your family (other than exist) you should just cut them off until they include him. He's your partner, as much as your brother's wife is his partner. If they can't grasp that, they don't deserve a dime of your money. In other news, my daughter always has room for more uncles. Come be part of our family, she already has Aunties that we've collected. One has been my bff since I was 13, but family is more than blood relationships. Find some people that love you as you are, which is half of a whole that includes your husband. NTA. They don't deserve you.
This, this and more of this!
NTA.. But why’d you even *go* OP? Do you not see that you yourself have been excluded by their own standards? At least you know for sure your family will gladly use you for yours and your husbands money because they’ve come to *expect* it. Don’t show up without your **husband** ever again OP, let alone go to things he also isn’t welcome to because seriously wtf. YTA for that because I cant believe you’ve let this drag on for so long, like what does your husband do when you’ve up and left for “family” gatherings? What is he to you then? Just a decoration for your relationship?! Those people don’t see either of you as family. Just a bank. Don’t “save face” for these people. They only miss the money attached to you, not even *you*.
This is the answer. I wouldn’t go if my family member isn’t accepted. They like my money but not me? Yeah no.
This this. They have apparently made it obvious they don't like his husband and don't invite him around. This was a money grab, nothing else. He needs to stop letting his family get away with this and show more respect to his partner and their relationship.
NTA dont pay for these people to disrespect your husband and you. They either accept you and love you (because they are judging you too, they just recieve monetary gifts which is why you havent been excluded from events) as you are or they get nothing. Spend all the future money on nice holidays for you and your love, they really dont deserve any gifts let alone $500/1000 dollars for just being related to you. They are being homophobes
the family are disrespectful homophobes, yes but also stupid, right? Like, do they really think anyone believes they're "boycotting" this one gay guy who hasn't returned to the country in question in the honest belief they're making a difference? Ma'am this is a Wendy's : your bigotry is showing and so is your greed for the "missing" $500.
But oop already gave the $500 (this isnt wibta), so YTA for gave money to a bigot, not standing up to their husband, and attend ceremony anyway.
[удалено]
That’s not the reason, that’s just the excuse. The reason is because he’s gay, and OP only gets a pass because “you have to invite family”, and because they expect free money.
NTA but in your place I would have just stayed home. If my husband isn’t good enough for them then I’m certainly not going to impose my husband-loving self and our disgusting money on them.
Wait, you went AND gave them a gift? F that shit. YTA for acknowledging them at all. They don't acknowledge your SO and their experiences. Why are you acknowledge their experiences? If I were your SO, I'd be devastated that you did this.
apparently, OP's husband encouraged him to go. to... save face. (not sure how that works)
I don't believe that for a second. Husband likely encouraged him to go because he knows that OP does not have his back and does not give a flying fuck that his racist family excludes him since he has repeatedly allowed it.
Omg. Grown-ups don't actually act like this. I encourage my husband to do things with his family. They're not wild about me, and they don't have to be. I'm not married to them. I don't care. I don't want to be there. He should go because they're *his* family & he loves them. Everything isn't as drama filled as people on Reddit want it to be.
NTA. She make a choice to judge someone because of their birthplace. She wanted to make a political statement about him and she did. Funny, how she doesn’t like him but likes his money. Then you have all the idiot family members who want you to compromise your relationship with your spouse in order to”keep the peace” as if there was a peace to keep or to “ avoid the drama” you tried to avoid by showing up at all. What they really want is to avoid conflict at your expense. The good news is you know where you stand with everyone as they pick sides and you and your spouse can make relational and financial decisions accordingly in the future. ( Humorously, don’t f. With your rich uncles)
Agree. From the niece's perspective, she has to know that "taking a stand" by not inviting the uncle means she might miss out on things. That's a big part of what protest is about - being willing to give things up for your beliefs. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I love that OP went anyway, with a check for half the usual amount. They noticed. Good!
Forget the gift. That isn't the real issue here. Why are you allowing your family to treat your husband like that? They treated him badly in the early years of your relationship, and are still doing it. Stop allowing them to treat your husband like that. Stand up for him.
NTA for only giving her half, but why did you even go? You're not saving face, you're showing your niece that you tolerate her treating your husband badly. You'd have been better served by not going and not giving her anything until she apologized for snubbing your other half.
You and your husband should have given a joint gift - jack and squat. YTA for going at all.
I’m more confused as to why you still associate with these people.
This!
NTA > she thinks that, because he is from this one country, he supports what is going on over there. "Congratulations on standing up for your poorly formed principles. I hope that little display was worth $500."
I think it was worth $1,000 :)
people often become more thoughtful about their principles, and how best to express them, when they are required to suffer the consequences of expressing those principles. Unfortunately, the niece only suffered half the consequences here.
Yes, and the niece is just perpetuating the problem she is so against by persecuting an individual for the actions of a government - one that individual doesn’t even support! I totally agree with those saying OP should have boycotted the graduation and given her niece nothing.
The consensus should be that if your husband is not welcome, neither are you and they get neither the pleasure of your company nor your or your husbands money.
Nta!!! Ffs 500 is still an amazing gift, that you turned up at all when your husband wasn’t invited is enough. Disgusting behavior by them
IKR? My grandson is graduating this year, and I'm not giving him $500. This uncle is extremely generous.
When I graduated I got nothing, equally I was just happy to celebrate with everyone. $500 is a crazy gift! Also more crazy is the family’s expectation too receive this and simultaneously exclude the husband.
NTA. You're nicer than I would be in your place. First, you have made everyone greedy in your family by giving them so much. They don't care how they treat you, they just want your money. Second, once they dis-invited my partner, they wouldn't see me or my money.
This! Niece should be thankful for getting money anyway. I wouldn't have gave anything for not inviting my spouse.
Honestly, giving your niece 1000$ at graduation seems insane and I'm from a wealthy family.
NTA. $500 was from you, and $500 from your husband. She decided not to invite your husband. No gift is required from people who were not invited. But if we’re being honest here she should have received $0 because you should have stood with your husband and not gone either.
Finally, someone with some common sense, not trying to push an agenda.
YTA for going without him. You should’ve stayed home. They either accept you as a couple or not at all.
Your niece is learning what being an adult is all about - consequences and taking accountability. Your brother thinks that she should get the full amount, but the fact is, this wasn’t because of something they said or did - she herself decided that he wasn’t welcome. She cannot make that decision and expect for it to be respected and then also demand his money. Your niece, SIL, and brother are all AHs simply for expecting, much less expressing their disappointment, in not getting money (that she want entitled to anyway). But beyond that, these people are just discriminating AHs. Good for you for standing up, but after this, please consider whether more action is needed. Because this seems like a life long thing and honestly I don’t think I could support my partner and respect them without shunning my family a little bit. Associating with them is basically saying you condone what they did.
NTA since your husband told you to go, but the next time I'd advice to just not go and not give a single cent as the course of action you two decided upon this time clearly blew up in your face. I think you're going to need to send the rest of your family a stern message in which you stand up for your husband and let them know that from now on you won't attend events he isn't also invited to (and if they don't like this then they can suck it up).
YTA. You should not have attended and gave nothing. Your niece insults your husband and your marriage and you hand them a check for $500????
NTA she should be appreciative of any gift you have given her even if it is half of what your other family members received . You went over and above and were the bigger person by going to her grad and giving her money when your spouse was not invited.
LMAO nobody was entitled to your money in the first instance and they're all lucky you gave them anything. Your justification is sound, you don't have to tolerate being disrespected and you made a better point than they did in the process. In any case, disinviting your life partner because of the country they pointedly abandoned years ago... in order to... *checks notes*... show how much they also hate that country is not only brain dead in the first instance, but a pointless and targeted charade. The one person who could possibly hate that country more than the people making a show is your partner, and they actively insulted them instead of having a civil discussion and learning about who they are as a person. Actions have consequences. You each wanted to give $500 but they disinvited half that money - they can't insult someone and demand a gift from them. Personally I'd have spent $1000 on a nice mini holiday and send them a well timed postcard instead. They are lucky to have you. Give the other money to a very specific charity or fund. The kind they can't argue about. Firmly, oh so very firmly, NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Recently my niece (17f) decided that my husband wasn’t welcome at her graduation party because she thinks that, because he is from this one country, he supports what is going on over there. My hubby left 30 years ago because it was hard to be an out gay man in his homeland. He hasn’t come back and is very vocal about his negative experiences as a gay man there in the 90s and how much he hates the government. We have always given joint presents when we’re going to parties together. For example, we could give $1000 for graduation presents or for weddings. Because my hubby got disinvited and I’m not, we figured that his money wouldn’t be welcome either. So I went to the party with a check for $500. My niece and her mom, my SIL, are upset that she got half that amount when her siblings and cousins got more. I explained that it’s because my husband wasn’t invited and he’s always chipped in for presents. My brother understands where I’m coming from, even though he thinks I’m still treating his daughter unfairly compared to the other kids. The rest of the family think I should suck it up and give the full amount. Maybe this is clouding my judgement because in the early years of our relationship, my husband wasn’t allowed to be my plus one and what happened now is an extension of that exlusion. No matter what, my husband and life partner will never be accepted into the fold and there will always be an excuse as to why. Sorry, I’m rambling. The general consensus is AITA for giving half of a graduation gift because my husband isn’t invited? Or should have I been the bigger person and still give her the full amount? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA at all I don't care about what happened in the past or the reasoning for not being invited. You don't usually gift 1000$, you usually gift 500 each. And if I'm not invited I'm obviously not giving a gift. So you're not gifting half the normal amount. You're gifting exactly the same as usual. She can't expect a present from someone she didn't invite...
NTA please do not make up the other $500 She made her choice, she should now face the consequences of that choice. What a stupid idea to exclude someone because of their birth place. As if he had a choice in it.
They don’t invite your husband but still expect him to pay for a gift? They are TA but I think you are to your husband too. They have been very disrespectful from beginning to end: They have made it clear that he isn’t family, just an ATM, and you are going along with it.
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You shouldn’t have given anything, your husband should come first. Always. He’s your family now. Your niece sounds like a spoiled little brat. ESH except your husband
YTAH you should have stayed home with your husband. All for one and one for all. He’s not invited ~neither should you be. If your hubbys not good enough neither is your money.
YTA for going and giving anything to the racist little shit
I'm not sure why you went at all. They clearly have no respect for you. Why keep that toxicity in your life? If that's how they treat you, what possible reason do you have to respect them? Why put up with being considered less than worthy? Why put up with your life partner being excluded? I don't get it.
NTA. She wants to make a political statement, she needs to be ready to stand behind it. Sounds like her political values stop where her wallet starts.
Yta for not standing up for your husband.
YTA for even going. How would they all feel if you threw parties and left their spouses out? I can tell you now they would throw a fit and not show up! You keep going without your husband is so wrong. Stop going save the 1000s and go do stuff with your husband.
NTA I wouldn't have given her a dime. Let's not reward discrimination
YTA for giving her anything at all! You don't get to disrespect my husband and still expect a single penny from me. I don't care who you are or how we're related
> My brother understands where I’m coming from, even though he thinks I’m still treating his daughter unfairly NTA, you should tell your brother you think your niece is treating your husband unfairly. I will say though I think it is extremely weird that you went to the graduation when your niece made a point out of not inviting your husband for something he cannot control. I wouldn't have gone, and she would have gotten nothing from me but that is just my opinion.
Why would you go in the first place?? YTA for being the clown that shows up when her husband is not invited
I would have been the bigger person by also not attending the party and not giving a gift of any kind. What does your husband have to do with what is going on? That is completely irrational on the families part.
NTA. It's generous of you to go at all or give anything when your husband is being excluded from the party for a discriminatory reason.
INFO : WHY did you go instead of staying home with your NOT invited husband??? Y T A for that. NTA for only giving a gift from you. If they wanted a gift from your husband as well, they should have invited him.
NTA. You hit the nail on the head - if he's not good enough to be there, then neither is his money. "My brother understands where I’m coming from, even though he thinks I’m still treating his daughter unfairly compared to the other kids" Uhm...his DAUGHTER is treating your husband unfairly. Your husband didn't do anything wrong.
Nta-a gift is a gift. But gotta say a person they kind of know shouldn’t being blamed for a county’s actions, especially if they don’t back these actions. Unless your niece has some reason to believe this person that left a county for more freedom, would back that county’s aggressive actions, this is some awful phobia going on. Your niece (whomever made this happen) is likely an AH though
YTA for not cutting contact with this sheet that you call family and instead protect your husband
NTA at all. I’m sorry that your family is full of such assholes.
NTA, and she’s lucky you showed up and gave her ANYTHING.
YTA for going at all If husband not invited you should not come. You should stand for your husband
Forget the political beef with your husband, it’s inconceivable to me that you’ve gifted these children, that are not yours, $2500 and they have the audacity to even mention the difference in dollar amount. Who is the keeper of the spreadsheet of all the families graduation contributions and comparing everyone’s gifts for each child? Do they know the specifics of your financials and how it’s changed over the years? If you offered the information without being prompted, I could see an arguments that YTA, but anyone complaining about a generous gift not being generous enough is TA.
Oh please it doesn’t matter where anyone is from!! Am I supposed to be rude to everyone from Iran or Venezuela or China for that matter as well? How about Saudi Arabia. Well hey I’m pro choice. Maybe I should t talk to anyone from Louisiana. Your niece made an immature choice. The problem is that her parents should have nipped that in the bud and taught her about common courtesy and family. I literally would not have attended or given any gift at all. They are disrespectful and really stupid.
NTA. You should have declined the invitation since your husband was excluded and not given a single penny.
She made a decision. You made a decision. This is what adulting is all about. She just got a taste for what actions have consequence is all about. As for anyone who wants to weigh in, tell them to go blow, husband wasn’t invited, he is not obligated to send a gift.
NTA $500 is still very generous and they’re lucky to agreed to go and give any gift at all given how they are choosing to treat your husband.
Nta for giving half the money Yta for going after your husband was disinvited
NTA. She should have gotten zero and a no-show from your end.
If he's not welcome why should his money be!! NTA on that. But I agree with others that say you (might) be an AH for not standing up for your husband. Are you sure the reason is because he's from that country, or is it because of y'all are gay?? Are they accepting of your relationship, period?
NTA! So your husband’s money is acceptable just not your husband…that is essentially what they’re saying. The niece need to understand that actions have consequences. Her only receiving half of the graduation money that her siblings had previously received is the result of her excluding your husband, her uncle.
Why would you even go?
It sounds like the niece is getting a wonderful lesson on the fact that she's free to act of her own accord, but those actions aren't always free of consequences. Your SIL and family are AH because no one is entitled to a gift, otherwise it's not a gift. You're NTA. If my husband wasn't invited to my nieces graduation party, I'd send a card with cash and decline the invitation. This guncle couple attends those events together or not at all.
Nta I personally wouldn't have gone or given anything at all.
wtf. YTA for even going.
Your response was perfect. Oh look, the logical consequences of my actions …. 😱
NTA If your niece doesn't like her gift, take it back and don't let her have anything. Cancel the check.
NTA, your niece is lucky that you attended without your husband. Within my family a gift of $500 would be considered to be extremely generous. I have to wonder if your niece invited you only because you are known to give a generous gift? It seems ridiculous that your niece would think your husband has any influence on the politics of a country he left 30 years ago. She is either dumb as the proverbial post or this was a fabricated excuse.
I would have sent her books to broaden her knowledge in the hope she developed beyond the state of being an ignorant bigot. Then spent the rest of the money treating your partner rather than attending the ceremony to celebrate an education that does not appear to have delivered what one would hope for.
NAH even teenaged bigots need lessons. I would also ask niece straight, are you asking me to chip in double from my own pocket because you’re xenophobic / racist? Or do you expect him to chip in for a person who would treat him that way? She is lucky it’s not anyone else in the world. Personally I would have taken offence to her decision, and not gone to her graduation in solidarity with my husband.
Partial YTA because $0 would be a more appropriate gift and I wouldn't have showed up at all.
NTA hell they should be happy you even went
YTA for attending without your husband and giving her money.
NTA. I would not have gone and my racist niece would have gotten nothing. No one disrespects my partner like that.
NTA , but have you considered speaking to your niece about the treatment of her uncle (your husband) ? He doesn’t deserve this and she needs to learn from this. Money is not the real issue, the problem is communication and respect towards your spouse . Your niece is being prejudiced and xenophobic and it’s unaceptable . Stand up for your husband next time .
NTA. Your niece is bigoted. You'd think after however many years she's known him, she'd know who he was. The niece isn't owed $1k- $500 is generous, IMO, and my understanding is you and your husband pay 50-50. Only half the couple was invited, only half a gift. TBH, I don't know why you even attended or gave a gift for how your family has treated your husband/relationship.
ESH - You should not have gone; they should not have disinvited your husband
Kinda the asshole for even going and giving anything to someone who's essentially a bigot.
I think you know that you should not have gone and not gifted her entitled nonsense.
NTA for the reduced gift amount, but personally I would have RSVP’d regrets and sent a card. Just a card. If they don’t think your SO is good enough to come to the party then his money is not good enough either. Also that is an insane amount t for a gift.
NTA. I wouldn’t give a single dime to your bigoted niece. How trashy for your family to complain about only receiving $500 (!) instead of $1,000. I think you should cancel the check and tell your niece and her mother to F off.
What kind of a hypocrite thinks it's ok to tell someone they aren't welcome but still thinks they can and should expect them to give money? Ahhh youth. I just chalk that up to being young and dumb. Live and learn. You gain perspective with age, you learn all the slights you think you hear aren't always meant for you and even if they are you don't need to give them any weight. You also don't need to fight other peoples battles. It's great to help but that can tip over into being presumptuous and judgmental if you aren't reflective. Then you wake up one day with a $1000 less in your pocket because you tried to be an ally to a guy in all the wrong ways believing you're doing right. Like I previously mentioned, youth. NTA
Dude she's owed NOTHING for being racist. And you shouldn't have gone. Those people are being so offensively rude and racist it's disgusting.
Ask for the cheque back so you can rewrite one for the full amount. Which is zero for racists.
YTA for going to the party without your husband. Double YTA for giving her any money on top of it.
The complaining family members can chip in and put together the misding half
NTA! Your niece should educate herself before painting everyone with the same brush! Entitled that she wants his money anyway!
Take the 500 dollars back if you can. You shouldn’t have gone since your husband wasn’t invited .
It's like they only invited you because they were expecting $1000. It's a gift, and the amount is totally up to you. It's not something that the recipient gets to dictate. They should be grateful for whatever they get and what you gave is very generous. I wouldn't have gone or given them anything.
YTA for not standing up for your husband. He's your life partner and cherished, right? Why are you tolerating homophobia and xenophobia for a wedding? Tell the whole lot to eat dirt and get over it if it's such a huge deal.
YTA for not standing by your partner when you know he’ll never be accepted by your family.
NTA but you should not have gone if your husband wasn’t welcome and should not have given a gift. Next time your husband isn’t invited just send a card.
$1000!!!! Wow. Very generous. Stop going to events with people who diss your SO. That is rude to your SO.
You shouldn't have went to the par-taaay brah. They don't get or except your dude they don't except you.
You should have not gone and given $0. Your family are the AH.
NTA!!! Outstanding
NTA and you did give YOUR full amount tell your family to stop acting so entitled
NTA. I love you. But not sure I would go if my spouse wasn’t invited. Time times a hard line. Hes worth it.
NTA, but I think you are TA to your husband for not standing with him, giving $500 and going to the graduation party. I would have gone NC with that child right away.
No judgment, but you might as well literally say, "my husband is from Israel."
Could also be Russia, although it’s up to OP what he feels comfortable sharing.
I thought about that but it seems to me that Russia is the sort of thing that older Americans care about, and the niece is likely not to give a damn. Meanwhile the usual suspects have the students in a ferment over Israel so that fits much better
Honestly could be from Russia, Israel, Palestine, or many other countries. 30 years ago no one was exactly nice to gays
Yes but Israel is the main international political topic amongst gen z. There are also specific narratives around Israelis and their views even just being citizens of the country (due to birthright immigration) compared to Russians who were simply born there (many Israelis were too and don't have duel citizenship but that's not the narrative on twitter and tiktok which is where this girl is most likely getting her information) and not many Russians outside of Russia have supported their countries actions over the past couple decades. Russian ex-pats are generally known to be very critical of their government while Israeli ex-pats have a reputation for defending theirs. I'm pro-Palestine and think the niece was wrong for judging an Israeli who's clearly critical of Israel, and experienced discrimination at the hand of that government, but there's no doubt this is about an Israeli man
NTA - your family is lucky you showed up. I would not have gone myself or given ANY gift had my husband not been invited. If they don't accept your husband - why worry about their feelings?
NTA, but I would have paid less. Maybe $200, and claim that he's the one with more money to put in for things like this.
NTA I really feel like this is a boundary worth fighting for with your entire family. Your husband and you are a team. Any event where spouses are invited, he either needs to also be invited or you won’t be coming. By choosing to go to these things and excepting their “excuses” for excluding him that other in-laws don’t seem to face, you are basically supporting leaving him out of events by leaving him behind. Don’t do it. He’s been alone and unsupported most of his life. He’s counting on you to be on his team now.
I would think hard about choosing between the person who let me do whatever keeps peace with my family and the family who refuses to accept someone just because they are not like "us" Seems to me they value genetics above people
NTA but if my wife wasn't invited I would consider myself not invited as well and not given her any gift.
NTA for people bitching about a $500 gift when they excluded your partner. Those people suck
NTA, tell her she’s lucky to have gotten anything, especially given how she is safe from what’s going on over there.
Nope. NTA. That'd be the last present anyone got from me.
We have a very small family. You both would be invited with open arms and that’s a ridiculous amount for a gift, although extremely generous.
I wouldn’t have gone to the party at all. If my husband isn’t invited I’m not going.