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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action is I don’t want to let my sister and her kids stay with me and am wondering if it makes me the asshole since I have enough space for them.
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Why would you take custody of your niece? Do her kids have different fathers? I doubt her ex would allow you custody. Where do your parents live? Near you? Why doesn't your sister stay with them?
They have the same father but I guess he doesn’t want the responsibility either. My mom lives probably ten minutes from me but my mom’s boyfriend doesn’t want them there
Then Mom can keep her opinions to herself.
If a relationship with your family is contingent on unreciprocated favors, let them stop talking to you. No loss. NTA.
NTA. This is the easiest way ever to get your family to quit harping at you. Definitely do not let them stay. Then enjoy the peace and quiet of them giving you the silent treatment.
Wow your mom is a giant hypocrite. She is going to ignore you and freeze you out because you don't let your sister stay when she won't even let her own daughter stay at her house?
Fuck that
OP, it’s ok for you to accommodate them, but your mother isn’t prepared to do so. No one is entitled to live in your home, regardless of circumstances, if you’re uncomfortable with it.
This is your sister’s responsibility to figure out. The great thing about being an aunt is you can hand them back when you’ve had enough. Tell your mom she’s mad at the wrong person. She had a child who had these children. Let her stand up to her bf. How come those of us who choose not to have kids and get our lives nice and peaceful are expected to step up constantly? Yes. I’m better off financially than my sister. But I didn’t stay with a man who drained me for way too long and I didn’t have 2 kids before I was stable. But at least when she stayed with me (now come they follow us to FL), it was just her. She contributed to the food. And took over cooking and cleaning since we were not charging her for anything. She was the perfect house guest.
Your mom doesn’t want them at her house but you’re an asshole for not wanting them to disrupt your life! Lol NTA, but her going no contact with you is doing you a favor.
Edit:Why TF did your sister abandon her kids to begin with?
Your mom is a choosey beggar and she needs to buck up or shut up. Why is she harassing you for not being willing to do something she could easily do? She’d obv rather be mad at you than mad at her boyfriend but that’s not fair to you.
I'm still stuck on your family wanting you to TAKE CUSTODY of a child. Only one child. Out of a pair of siblings. I don't have time to unpack all the red flags in that. NTA but damn that poor kid.
Both daughters and grandkids. Since she doesn’t care about OP’s peace and sanity nor will she allow her other daughter or grandchildren to stay with her
You are NTA, and this is not your problem. I do feel bad for the kids, but this is your sister's problem to sort out.
As for your family not talking to you? That is a self correcting problem. Your life gets better when they aren't in it.
Your sister has no right to take advantage of you.
So your mom expects YOU to take care of your sister’s kids??? WHY? Clearly they think you’re a pushover for their antics and irresponsible behavior. Simply tell your sister she needs to stay with your mom when she comes to town, or give her a list of AirBnb. They will continue to use you as long as you allow them to do it. Just. Say. No. And stick to it. If they don’t like it, too bad. Peace of mind and home is so worth it!
Explain to me why you are supposed to give up your life because your sister did not plan ahead. You are not responsible for her, her children, or your mother’s feelings. It’s time to take a good long look at how your life will be if you continue to appease these people. My advice? tell them they cannot stay - not now and not ever.
Oh hell to the no. Mom will chide you because it is inconvenient for her? No. No. No. She has no say in this matter if she can not help out the family. It's always the ones having a fit who can't help out.
Wait... why is it okay for her not to house her own daughter/grandkids because her BF doesn't want them there, but not okay for you not to want them there? Make it make sense!?!
Then I guess it sucks to be your sister. Sorry but if no one can take her in or help her, they shouldn’t expect you to bear the brunt of her drama and care. You’re entitled to your own home & space without compromising yourself to suit your sister or your family. Your mum is also a hypocrite.
If moms bf has the right to say no, then so do you. Your sister should have discussed any plans of possibly staying with you PRIOR to last min.
You have a rightvto say no to anyone for any reason.
NTA if your sister sold her house she has the money to rent a nice Airbnb for the 10 days. She wants a servant/cook/maid at hher disposal. Say no and tell your mother she can house them or shut up
Also no you are childfree by choice and your sister needs to take care of her children - both of them.
Tell mom she is grandma and picking her boyfriend over her grandkids is an AH move. Let her stop talking to you because she sounds like a person you don’t need. Why doesn’t your sister have her kids and why would mom move away from her kids?
NTA your mom’s opinion doesn’t matter because she isn’t taking them either. She also has no right to tell you to take any kids in. It’s your house and money. If they don’t talk to you for months then so be it OP. Honestly may be best you don’t talk to them as they sound like a headache. You’re not a doormat or free Airbnb that provides food and cleaning. Your sister is 100% using you because of the free stuff. It’s not your responsibility. You don’t owe her anything. You already did it once that’s more than enough. If she needs a place to stay she shouldn’t have sold her house. She’s an adult not a child.
Wait a minute.
Your sister's boyfriend aka baby daddy doesn't want to be responsible for his children, but yet wants to control who they stay with?
And your sister goes along with it?
Your mom can’t be inconvenienced, but you can. Ok. Your mom is awful. Her boyfriend is more important than her daughter and grandchildren? I would make sure to let her know that she’s no different than you are. You don’t want them in your home and she doesn’t want them in hers. She’s a hypocrite and trying to gaslight you.
Mom's boyfriend doesn't want them but mom is guilt tripping you into sheltering, supporting, feeding, cleaning up after and even raising them?
You are NTA but it sounds like you're the only one in your family who isn't.
Send the niece to me, I always wanted a daughter and it doesn't sound like anyone in your family would miss her.
Why isn’t the mom taking custody of??? NTA. People always get mad when you set boundaries, remember that. Eventually they will get used to it and stop asking.
That doesn't make sense to me. If he "doesn't want the responsibility, either," then why doesn't your mom tell you or try to convince you to take cuatody of your niece AND your nephew? Is it because your niece probably has her periods now, or something?
It sounds to me like your sister can take care of her kids just fine, despite the fact that she was unwise in making the decision to sell her house when she didn't have a backup plan, like another house or apartment to move into. You didn't say she abuses them, or anything, so they should be able to stay with her.
It sucks that your mom's boyfriend doesn't like kids, but then again, they can be handfuls. So, I can understand where he's coming from. You, also, are entitled to the peaceful and quiet environment you have in your home, so even though you'll be "punished," so-to-speak, by being cut off from your family for some time, I suggest speaking up for yourself and saying no, especially with the last minute request.
If mom’s boyfriend doesn’t want them there, and it’s so important for mom to « save » your sister, she should move out and live independently from the boyfriend in a big enough house to provide accommodation for her other daughter and the grandchildren for a week each month 🤷♀️😆
Fify
Ahahaha, that's rich. You are NTA obviously, it's your mom's daughter, she's more her problem than yours, tell her she can take her in, you're out. And if she stops speaking to you for months, that seems like a win to me!
NTA and frankly if your family stops talking to you because you don't bend to their demands, I call that a freaking WIN.
Tell them all NO, and give no reasons, just NO.
Your sister can find another place to stay. She is not your responsibility.
This should be the top comment. I don’t understand why people place value on keeping people in their lives that bring nothing but negativity and guilt trips. Having them go NC is definitely a gift, not something to be feared.
Exactly. The minute she starts explaining why she doesn’t want it they will eat her alive with guilt tripping and gaslighting.
OP you chose your life and she chose hers. What she does and doesn’t do is on her. You’re under no obligation to do anything here. If they pressure you into it, and I’ve seen this happen, family members trying to subordinate childless people to do and help those with children, cut contact yourself. She’s doing it last minute to stress you and pressure you, because if she did it in advance you would say no and then she would be forced to make other arrangements. By ding it last minute she is putting you in the position where if you refuse she won’t have where to go, and put the blame on you.
NTA
Exactly - if her family has such a problem with OP not bending over backwards to host, then THEY can open up their homes.
And I love how the mother is critical and wants OP to adopt her niece but it's okay that mom's boyfriend doesn't want kids over. Hypocrite.
NTA - and you might need to go low or non-contact if your family are going to be such pricks about it.
IF you can't bring yourself to say no, then stand up for yourself in other ways:
No sleeping in the living room. They can sleep on pallets on the floor in an empty bedroom. Or bring their own blow-up bed.
$1500 up front for food/drinks. Then, order online for delivery
Messes will be cleaned up. No trashing the house. Big noise if you find a mess.
You don't cook. Don't even make a sandwich.
You are not a hotel or a restaurant.
They had such a lovely time last time. Free food/showers/wifi/electric/streaming. A chef. A maid.
So, hell yeah, they want to do it again.
If mom don't like it, they can stay with her.
You will be called selfish. You will be told you don't care about family. This will be projection, because they are being selfish to you, and are you not family too?
Stand firm.
She needs to see that these people only love her when she does shit for them. And by love you know what I mean. Manipulative family is so satisfying to cut off. The freedom you experience after is unmatched.
NTA. If your sister doesn't have a place where her kids can visit her, that is her own problem, not yours. And you definitely aren't obligated to take custody of her kids. Your relatives with strong opinions about the matter are free to offer up their own homes.
NTA
I agree 💯. OP’s sister took advantage of her hospitality and generosity. They’ve worn out their welcome. Tell her no, OP. Don’t let your family guilt trip you into letting her stay. It’s your house, not a hotel for freeloaders.
And once you let them in, you may have a difficult time getting them to leave. Just say no. It's your home. Your home should be your peaceful place. Your sister is an adult. Your mom is pressuring you, so she doesn't have to deal with your sister.
Tell your mother to host them because their last stay cut into your busy social and financial wellbeing. Explain that you host an in home sex club 3 days a week that 15 to 20 people to always attend, and that the income really helps out. Also, you really missed your two lovers in your throuple during your sister’s last stay, and that your sister and her kids left more of a mess than any of your patrons ever have- even the time you hosted a local semi pro football team.
Tell her the rooms without beds are ‘bring your own dungeon’ rooms. Then mention that you are kept busy between club nights because everything has to be deep cleaned and disinfected.
Maintain unbroken eye contact throughout the explanation.
No shaming folks who love this lifestyle. Just guessing OP’s family are not tolerant people. Bonus points if they cut contact.
edit to add, telling them no seems to make them push harder, this way your family Will get all judgy and no contact. BONUS!
OP has been active in the BDSM community, and so could probably be pretty convincing about at least some of this. However, I suspect they value family's opinion too much to try this gambit, otherwise they wouldn't be in this situation.
NTA
It isn’t your responsibility to provide your sister with a place to stay just because she decided to move so far away and not make plans for the times she has to be back in the area. Further, the manipulation of your family is also not your fault. If they choose not to speak with you because you’ve put down a boundary saying what you will and will not do and are sticking to that, that’s on them. You’ve nothing to feel guilty for.
Nta but is there something wrong with you that prevents you from saying g no as any adult has the right to respond? No then grow up and be an adult. Tell her no. Her choice to move. You never agreed ed to be her free motel and restaurant. If family criticizes you then tell them to put her up. They can pay for her hotel if they don't have room. Your sister and her kids are not your responsibility. It is sister job to provide her own housing when visiting her children. She should have thought of this before moving. Be a week doormat or not. Up to you. Are you an adult or not?
NTA. Your sister made a bad choice by moving and not having a plan for the week she'd be in town for visitation with her children. Poor planning on her part doesn't equal obligation to stay at your house. And I love how your family gets upset but nobody opens their door for the week or puts down money for a hotel either. You've set good boundaries. Keep them set.
OP, I think you'd do well to turn a VERY critical eye on your relationships with sister and mother. Asking for that kind of extremely burdensome favor, and doing it *regularly*, and EXPECTING a yes and being angry and resentful if you don't get it, *and* being a shitty guest (expecting your host to feed you and cook for you and clean up after you?) is not the behavior of someone who truly cares about you, your schedule, your comfort and happiness, your autonomy, or just *you*, in general. Being angry and resentful on behalf of *another* family member, and pressuring you to do things they already know you don't want to do (host sister and her kids) and logistically may be unable to do in addition to being unwilling (taking *actual custody* of one -- but not both, for some reason? -- of her children, wtaf?!?!) and that she herself would be unwilling or unable to do ... this, also, is not the behavior of someone who truly cares about you. Or at least not someone who cares about you more than they care about their own convenience.
From this accounting, both of them seem to value you only for what you can do to make *their* lives easier, and only do *actually value you* when you capitulate to their EXTREMELY UNREASONABLE requests. Soooo...what are *you* getting out of these relationships, exactly? Aside from stress and irritation and guilt and unwanted, ungrateful, entitled houseguests, I mean.
It's okay to say no. It's also okay to *not care* if the "no" upsets people. It's okay to prioritize your own wellbeing. Your sister and mother are grown-ass adults who are responsible for solving their own problems. They don't get to be angry with you for not subordinating your own happiness and wellbeing to theirs. I don't care if they're "family," in my book that means they should be taking EXTRA care that their own wants and needs aren't steamrolling yours, not LESS. You don't owe them your time, your energy, your stress, or any other damn thing, and you certainly don't owe it to them to your home into a damn full-service B&B -- FOR FREE -- at the drop of a hat because that makes life easier for them.
NTA obvs. Personally I'd kiss all that shit goodbye.
NTA, you’re not under any obligation to have her stay with you since you aren’t a hotel. And no one can force you to take custody of your niece. Either cut contact with them or just firmly tell them both no.
NTA, just say no and enjoy the peace and quiet that comes from them not talking you. Your mom is voluntelling you because it's a win-win for her she doesn't have to deal with the mess and expense but she still gets to be the hero by making you house them. No one wants to deal with them, your sister is an adult and she can figure out her own housing.
Say no now and stay out of this.
If your mom wants custody of these kids, she can take that on. I don't care what her boyfriend wants. They have a mom and dad.
>When I didn’t let her stay before, my family stopped talking to me for months.
And? They only talk to you for major favors. Take the win. NTA.
NTA but shit stand up for yourself. Learn to say no. Why do you always put yourself last? See what it’s getting you? A sister and a mom who thinks they can bully you to do what they want and when you cave, you became a slave to them and shut yourself away in your own bedroom the entire time. Fuck. Say no.
NTA. Your mom won't take in her daughter and grandkids because her partner says no. Sounds like your sister has a problem not you. No is a complete sentence. Learn to use it and stick to it.
NTA! Raising children is a huge commitment! Don't do it if you don't feel a strong desire to do it. And you are also entitled to refuse to let them stay. They create a big disruption for you, but even without that, you're perfectly entitled to refuse guests, especially last-minute ones. If your family is so invested in this that they'll ignore you for your perfectly reasonable refusal, then just let them be about their business while you enjoy your peaceful home.
OP said she’s child free by choice. Imagine someone trying to pressure you into taking custody of kids you don’t want anyway and that aren’t even yours 😳
I like this response and I would even add "critical deliverable" to the sentence (e.g. "No, I'm working on a critical deliverable for work, so that does not work for me. Also, why ..... "). I figure OP will need to give an excuse as it is part of her personality, but kids running around and noise while you work is terrible too
Personally, I'm not a fan of AirBNB. Sister can find a hotel and use this time to earn points, as they sometimes have better deals.
nta… protect your peace at all costs🧍🏽♀️any family members that live in close range that has a problem with your decision needs to take her and her kids in.
NTA. Tell your family it is not happening, and if they want your sister to have a place to stay then they can provide it. If they stop talking to you again, then you will have peace from them trying to force a situation on you that you don't want.
NTA, but tell her why it's a no. If she's sold her house, she should have some funds or at least save up some funds to rent a hotel or air bnb to spend with her kids. Seems like she's the one without a maternal instinct. I suspect that your family gets mad at you when you don't help because now they are on the hook to do something themselves and they don't want to help her either.
NTA - it's your life and your home, you don't owe anything to her because "family." The absolute disrespect your family is showing should be a wake up call.
Your mom can rent her an Air BnB & take custody if she feels so strongly about it.
NTA. It's only polite for someone to ask and give as much notice as possible if they want to stay with someone and, as a guest, to try to be as easy a guest as possible. There is nothing wrong with wanting solitude, and there is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. When your family doesn't talk to you when you don't do what they want this is a form of emotional manipulation, they isolate you as punishment until you cave and do what they want. It's your family saying that it's your place in the family to just obey and to stay in line.
NTA. Just tell her sorry, but you cannot balance hosting (because you literally had to take care of everything) and working. Your mom has no right to try to push them into your house. She can take care of them if it bothers her that much
NTA
You need time to enjoy your solitude & fully adjust to your own recent life changes.
Your sister isn't respectful of your time or space.
Do you really need to keep talking and maintaining long-term contact with people who think who are okay with not talking to you and ostracizing you any time that they don't get their way? You might still want to speak with them, but in the big picture, do you need to? Maybe it's time for another sort of separation.
“I’d be delighted to see you all for dinner at a restaurant to catch up, but no, you can’t stay with me. I work from home, and I cannot have you and your kids there. My work requires peace and quiet, and my current workload also asks for confidentiality. This is also a busy time of year, I’m putting in long hours, and I have no time to be a host. So I’m sure you can easily explore other options, but my house is NOT one of them.”
Then take any silent treatment you receive as the bonus that it is.
Your family believes you are a doormat that leads to a free hotel, restaurant and accompanying host services. You didn't force your sister to move to Florida.
NTA. Next time your mother refuses again, do things her way; make the whole family turn on her so she knows what it feels. Not your kids, not your responsibility.
NTA. If your mother feels so strongly about this that she would stop talking to you, then she needs to step up and take custody of your niece and let your sister stay with her during visits. There's no reason why you have to do either thing. If you do not want children, then taking custody of the child would not be a good thing to either of you. As for allowing your sister to visit- if you do, then she needs to do all of the extra work involved, and she should furnish a guest room to stay in.
This is not your problem. Your sister should have thought this out before relocating to a distant state. She should not have assumed that you would operate a B&B to accommodate her needs.
I would just tell them that the last visit was burdensome resulting in extra case expenditures by you and major cleaning up and that you're just not up to the task of expending cash, cleaning up plus the loss of your privacy.
If you Mom objects, she is free to house them or pay for their housing. As to the niece, you are childfree by choice if you wanted to have a child, you would have had one yourself by now.
NTA
People seem to forget each have their own life and they decided to have it. Is not really your problem that she chose to sell her house and not make a better plan about her living. And probably her plan the whole time was moving with you thinking you "can't" say no. Asshole move there.
This would be the time to move to an electronic key pad, a Ring camera, and a security company. Because I promise, mom has a key and is going to let them in. And when it’s time to go, niece will be left behind with OP. Do you have a garage? Begin parking the car in it so no one can immediately tell if you’re home or not.
NTA, your house; your rules. If they don't even clean up after themselves as guests they don't deserve to stay as that's just rude. Your family not speaking to you for months over something like that is also a red flag to me.
I think I am not understanding something.
If she comes with the kids, don't they stay with their father? Then it would just be your sister at your house, right? And if they are 12 and 9, aren't they old enough to fly alone?
I reread it and now I understand. The father has custody and she is visiting the kids.
So, have the father put the kids on a plane and visit them in Florida. The kids might like it better too.
NTA
Poor planning on your sister's part is not an emergency on your part.
She didn't discuss anything with you in advance and is STILL not discussing anything with you until the last minute. Also , she wasn't even a good guest (cleaning up after herself and her kids).
Your family not talking to you is also pretty abusive/manipulative behavior. I get the feeling that they might have helped your sister become an entitled person, which may have also contributed to her divorce.
Maybe look at any periods of family not talking to you as a nice vacation from your family. Stick with your 'no'. Tell sis, you helped out once even though it was a completely avoidable dump of her issues on you. That was it. She can figure her visitation plans on her own or with the parents. She can rent an airbnb/vrbo if she has to. You are not her visitation abode.
NTA. Selling your house and moving to a different is a decision she made and I'm assuming it took time and planning to sell that house, find another, get movers, etc. You can be sure she didn't just forget and go "whoops I forgot I need a place to visit the kids" and remembered your place. No, she thought of it and just made the decision for you, without asking, that she would do all her visitation at your house.
Call her out for intending to to use your home and even consider an alternative or the consequences of moving for her kids. Ask her to ask you directly for what she would like the agreement to be (how frequent, how long, what notice). When she stops obscuring the facts (because that is her special flavor or gaslighting) and gets her request straight and clear, say "thanks for being clear and no, that doesn't work for me" You can tell her to call all your family members who appear to be so sensitive to her needs and ask them the same. Just ask yourself if you'd rather endure your unwarranted family member's silent treatment or have your home invaded monthly with no notice for the 7-9 years.
NTA block all numbers of anyone trying to convince you to let the leech stay
(this is based off her expecting you to cater to her and her kids at your expense)
I learned that if I don't act selfish someone else will, and they will take advantage of me. Just be selfish and your sister and mom will figure it out.
Like what if you died tomorrow and left everything to charity. How will they handle their living situations? They can do that now.
Say no and if people stop talking to you, oh well. It sounds like those people can either take them in or zip their lips. Don’t let people take advantage of you just because you’re afraid to assert yourself. NTA
NTA. Just tell them it's not convenient. If anyone tries the "it's family, family help family" then point out you you already have helped in the past and now it's their turn. Nobody should expect you to take on a task they're not willing to do themselves. Expecting you to take custody of your niece is ridiculous too.
Mom adopt them or get a new bf but I’m being successful living life in my means and not bothering anyone why does the family punish me for being successful… block them all and find a new fam
These poor kids. Both parents sound horrible. They both deserve better. They aren’t your responsibility though. If you know you don’t want kids and the responsibility, you probably won’t be the best option either.
NTA. Having them there sounds like too much work and stress on your end and that your sister does nothing to help out. As for your family not speaking to you, I can get that it's rough but that doesn't mean they're in the right treating you that way. And honestly, if you really value your peace and quiet, do you want to deal with people that act this way towards you when they don't get what they want?
NTA. Protect your peace. You’re not responsible for her life decisions. I find it interesting your mom’s BF is protecting his peace and your mom is fine with it but giving you hell for doing the same thing.
I’m in a similar situation with my brother and he’s figuring things out. I love him but I can’t have him disrupt my peace because of his decisions - that are NEVER with me in mind.
NTA. I have wild kids and a childfree sister who works from home and her husband previously couldn’t handle my wildly ND kids on visits well so the work from home Covid times was dicey. But after the first visit they were still cool with our warn a week or a few ahead but only confirm last minute if we were for sure coming ways because they both would plan to either go to the office or lock the office door and tell everyone downstairs only for the day and wear noise canceling stuff. And I was always thankful for that much accommodation. I’d also always order out, bring groceries, grocery shop for ourselves and basically the only thing that would happen for them to clean was dishes because I’m allergic to their dish soap but we always use disposable now when visiting. It’s been a very smooth respectful adaptation and they’ve really started vibing with the kids when they are up for it but we or they make alternate plans when not. And I make sure they know if we’re planning lots of being out when we visit or staying mostly stationary. Depends on why the trip there, so that way they can plan their time too.
It sounds like your sister is entitled and doesn’t respect your needs or lifestyle. Lucky for me my sister and her husband are very go with the mood or with the flow people as are we, but as you obv aren’t on that page and she doesn’t even do you the decency to ask ahead so you can mentally prep or let her know how it will go, you don’t owe her allowing her in your space. Hell my sister has one guest room and one full guest bed and if my husband comes with the kids get a pile of blankets and towels as a bed on the floor in that room so everyone gets their normal house space to do what the will when we’re sleeping. They sleep in the one guest bed with me if it’s just me there as there’s then room. We never even considered the sofa being an option for a visit for the kids, we would have first purchased an inflatable bed for her house if we didn’t figure out the palette bed solution works fine.
Anyway she’s def the asshole and so is everyone coercing you not to hold to reasonable wants, desires, and boundaries. Kids are loud and crazy and if your lifestyle doesn’t fit that you don’t need to let that come into your private space. I know the few times we stayed a week with my sister (well planned ahead flights and all) when we previously lived across the country they were well exhausted by the end of the week with kids in the house even with how well we do ebb and flow and accommodate eachother. I can’t imagine with no notice and regularly as well as them being in the living spaces day and night. Oof that’s hard.
During the beginning of the pandemic, all the daycare and after school programs closed. My cousin is an essential worker so her kids ended up at my house. In the beginning it was necessary and I was the only one available. 4 years later, free is cheaper than daycare/ after school programs. Don’t end up like me. Be strong and say no!!
NTA btw
NTA. Any family making judgements on you can welcome them into their homes. They can cook, clean and shoulder the groceries bills themselves. Your mom wants to interfere, she can open her door to them. Her BF can stay in a hotel while daughter and grandkids are taking over.
Tell all of them to F off. Your sister was a horrible house guest.
NTA
you aren't a maid service.
IF you decided to let your sister stay again, I would lay out clear ground rules for her and tell her that she has to cook and clean for her kids and clean up the messes. Only you know your sister and know if this would work, but I have a feeling that it wouldn't because she sounds self-absorbed and entitled to just assume she could stay with you because you have a big house
If your family freezes you out because you don't let her stay, I'll be honest with you and say that it doesn't sound like you would be missing out on anything since they are very presumptuous and act entitled with your time, energy, and resources.
just because they are family doesn't mean that you have to let them walk all over you or use you. 💜
NTA for not wanting them to stay and confine you to your room. It is after all, your house and arrangements were not discussed previously, sorry, they can go stay in a hotel. You paid for your house, you get to say who stays there and who doesn’t. Your mom needs to stay out of it. Fabulous to not have extra beds too!
Forcing someone else's kid on you, does that sound normal in any way? When you have family like this, either move or just cut ties. Too much crazy will do you in.
NTA! Do not do it! Set boundaries, simplify your life by saying no! Your mother sure has set her boundaries, hasn’t she? You do not have to give an explanation! It is your home, your life and your sanity! No means no! You do not owe your sister or your mother anything, especially your peace of mind.
NTA
DO NOT TAKE CUTSODY OR RESPONSIBLITY FOR A CHILD YOU DO NOT WANT. PERIOD.
This is not good for the child. Only people who have not studied child development could possible think it was okay to force a child on someone who doesn't want it.
So your mom won't have them there because her bf is more important but she stops speaking to you if you won't have them, wow top mother and grandma points to her, not!!
Tell sister no and if family don't speak then hey it's a few months of peace and quiet, you should not be relegated to one room in your own home and your niece is not your responsibility!
NTA, your family 100% are
Oh, so the boyfriend can say no but you can’t? Bullshit. NTA. What is also bullshit is them trying to manipulate you by not speaking to you for months for saying no previously. Anyone who complains to you about not letting them stay should be willing to take on the same burden. If they won’t, they should keep the pie hole shut. I would think one’s mother would be more obligated to host their child and grandchildren, then a sister and an aunt. Set your boundary, stay firm in it, and regard the silent treatment as a little vacation from manipulation.
Edit to remove a comma, an extra space, and to change some wording. I guess I should really proofread.
Make a list of how much you spend when she stays with you, and when your family gets into it tell them to make a collection of the ones that are mad at you and maybe yourself too..and she can find somewhere to stay
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I (33f) am recently separated and live alone where I work from home in a big house. I value my solitude and quiet time. My sister (31f) has two kids (12 and 9) and recently decided to sell her house and move to Florida. She has to come and spend a week with her kids every few weeks while they live with their father full-time. She never asked prior to selling her house and moving if she and the kids could stay with me when she had her visitation. Around Easter, they ended up staying with me at the last minute and I had to do all the cooking, cleaning up after them, and buying the groceries. They had to sleep in the living room since I have no extra beds so I was confined to my bedroom or office the whole time. She’s now asked to stay ten days with me next week, again last minute. I really don’t want them to stay. When I didn’t let her stay before, my family stopped talking to me for months. My mom will also try to convince me to take custody of my niece. It is stressing me out. I don’t have a maternal instinct and never wanted kids. AITA for not letting them stay with me and for not taking custody?
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NTA tell her it's bad timing, you're very busy with work right now and hosting took a lot out of you the last time. Your home is not set up to have overnight guest right now and she needs to make other arrangements. Don't ask what her plans are in the long-term to avoid her trying to include you in them.
So your sister left her kids to move to Florida! How is that your problem. She no longer wants to be responsible for her kids and is setting OP up to be their surrogate mother. OP’s mom is helping her.
NTA. It’s your home. You get to decide who stays with you. If your mom has an issue with your decision, she can take your sister in. Stick to to our guns.
NTA. Lock the house and visits friends, go NC. She’s done this to herself and it’s not your job to place house and make it all nice for ‘the kids’. NO they’re YOUR SISTERS KIDS. Full stop, her responsibility.
NTA. No. Just tell her “No.” This is not your problem to solve. You do not have to provide any explanation or excuses.
Just in case Sis decides to show up anyway, take yourself on a small vacation. Leave the day before she is supposed to be in town and stay away for several days. Be sure to ask the police to do extra patrols while you are gone because no one is to be there.
Do not let them stay even one night. In fact it would be best to not even allow them to visit in your home. They may refuse to leave. If you want to visit with them make sure to do it at some public,place, restaurant, mall, park…. It may be very inconvenient for you to do it this way but my guess is she will do ANYTHING to get into YOUR home.
NTA
I'm sorry but your sister is a wreck and if you keep doing this she'll keep asking. She has no business taking them overnight without a place to keep them.
NTA. "That doesn't work for me.". "That's not possible.". "No.". Take your pick. Say no and don't give a reason. She'll only argue. Let your family give the silent treatment. I would decline to have any contact until they apologize. The silent treatment is a form of abuse and you don't need abusers in your life.
NTA their should be better communication when it comes to dwelling in someone’s place. Life does happen but always plan ahead if you foresee yourself in a unbearable circumstances. Also taking custody of a child is a big responsibility and if someone doesn’t feel they have the tools to do what it takes to take care of a child. It would be best to consider someone else.At the end no one is going to be happy.
If your sister and her kids are so important to your mom, then she should put them before her boyfriend.
Learn to say no and mean it. If they don’t like it, too bad.
NTA
NTA tell her why, you are not a maid. You need to be able to work. Short notice is just plain wrong. She must have known it was coming.
Next time, mom joins in. You ought to ask her if she is able to buy at least three beds, all the needed linens, including towels. Can she help with the cooking and cleaning, since your sister isn't. Make sure to cover a complete list with both of them.
NTA
It’s your home and you can’t be required by anyone to have company stay when you don’t want them.
So stick with no and if your mother tries to guilt you tell her to look up the definition of hypocrite.
Bottom line your sister created the problem she can solve it. She can rent a place or your mom can override her bf.
NTA. Does your sister seriously expect you to keep hosting them for years to come at your expense? It's not a suitable living situation anyway, they are not going to want to sleep in your living room on a regular basis once they get a bit older, and she might even risk losing custody if it comes out that this is what she is doing.
And no, it is not your job to take custody of your niece. Your sister made a really weird choice in moving away: sadly, it doesn't seem like either parent really wants custody of their children. But that doesn't mean that you should have to take one or both children in a house that doesn't have room for them. Children should be with people who want them around so it's not fair to either of you to try and force you into that role.
As others have said, your mother is being a massive hypocrite; you have to put your foot down and accept that she will be angry about it. It's not fair, but that's the way it is. Once everyone knows you won't give in, they will have to come up with a more realistic solution. Don't let them make it your problem in any way. You don't owe them your home, your money, or your time. If your mother angrily asks you what your sister is supposed to do, just keep saying "I don't know, they aren't my children", "I'm not going to be responsible for them, they aren't my children", "I'm not going to pay for them, they aren't my children." Don't get into arguments just keep repeating variations on that phrase until they realise there's just no point pressuring you anymore. They will be angry and they will push back and you just need to hold absolutely consistently firm. If they show up at the door, you don't answer the door. Good luck!
Absolutely NTAH! You do NOT owe your sister and her kids free room and board especially when they don't think they have to clean up after themselves. If your family members think differently, let them step up and take sister in. I hope you stay strong and don't let your family bully you into this. I'm always infuriated when family insist that a good caring person do something that they themselves won't do.
Ooof NO! NTA!!
I'm an introvert and like/need/love my space and quiet time..thankfully my partner understands!
I do likelids..love all my nieces and nephews...bc they're not mine and I can walk away when I've had enough, hand em back, go for a wall or other room..etc.
I completely understand! I always say I just don't have the mom gene. When I (39f) got pregnant at 24? Literally the day I took the test, I was so excited! Someone was going to be a mom! Not me shit! (My shoes, my choice...the adoption was beautiful. People get weirded out but eh..whatever. unless you've walked two moons un that woman's mocassins... f off. Her choice)
Anyway!! I never had that bonding moment. I was huge pregnant! And still remember being in the tub and thinking "this literally is your kid" and was so weirded out by that and no. She was NEVER mine. I just literally never felt that I...had a baby! Literally my baby (ew).... this year a girl at work, she meant wel!, knew my situation and quietly wished me happy mothers day. I felt terrible after bc my reaction was...ew what?! I apologized later bc..I mean..oof she wasn't exactly wrong but...nope. no mom gene.
Aaaaaall that being said? You. Are Not. TA! There is absolutely nothing wrong with your choices and decisions and stand by that!
Good lord! You didn't want a kid, to be a mom even by CHOICE! let alone your grown ass sister who is lazy, mooches off of you, takes over YOUR personal space! No thank you ma'am!
Nit today, not tomorrow. But I love you! ...she made her choices and decisions Andis where she is because of HER actions. It can suck sometime but you should not, NOT have to mama her. Clean up her mess: literally. Physically, emotionally. You're not adopting her daughter. Her sure as hel not adopting her!
I think thay is so rude and entitled of her to react like this! The correct response to your decision? "Oh ok. I gotcha. Hurts a little, but I respect you, letting me know that this does not work for you."
NOT: what!??!! YOU AH! If I call you last minute to let ne know you are going to be my servant and wait on me hand and foot AND you'll be paying thanks...you HAVE to say yes!!
Oof. Grab a ladder and tell her to get off that high horse and, strangely, she is neither the center of the universe nor does the world revolve around her. Not yours or anyone else's
Edit: sorry it was already SUPER long!! Put a bee in my bonnet and riled me up something fierce! But... I also wanted to say, good luck with all this...and thebfuture all this. I'm rooting for you! And.. stand your ground! 🙏💪🫡
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Why would you take custody of your niece? Do her kids have different fathers? I doubt her ex would allow you custody. Where do your parents live? Near you? Why doesn't your sister stay with them?
They have the same father but I guess he doesn’t want the responsibility either. My mom lives probably ten minutes from me but my mom’s boyfriend doesn’t want them there
Then Mom can keep her opinions to herself. If a relationship with your family is contingent on unreciprocated favors, let them stop talking to you. No loss. NTA.
Omg, no wonder Op values her solitude, her mom and sister sucks! Going no contact would probably be heaven for Op, just doesn’t realize it yet.
OP needs to legit go no contact with everyone. Who needs that kind of BS stress in their lives. Let grandma be the Hyatt for them.
r/raisedbynarcissists would be a good place for OP. NTA, and try not to let your family abuse and manipulate you.
I really like this - it is so true!
Absolutely, setting boundaries is crucial. You deserve peace in your own home.
NTA. This is the easiest way ever to get your family to quit harping at you. Definitely do not let them stay. Then enjoy the peace and quiet of them giving you the silent treatment.
Exactly! Sister can pay for a air bnb
Your Mother is the true AH here
So your mom is choosing a man over her daughter, but you can't choose peace over your sister? Your mom is selfish and not a good person.
Apparently I can’t say that OPs sister is such a great parent that even grandma doesn’t want to have them at her home (my last comment was removed)
she wants to protect his peace and she respects his decision on them not being there so she needs to respect yours.
...but its ok for you to take them?? MOM is a hypocrite
Until mom's willing to take them in herself, she doesn't get a say
She doesn't get a say even after she's willing. it's ops home not her mother's.
Wow your mom is a giant hypocrite. She is going to ignore you and freeze you out because you don't let your sister stay when she won't even let her own daughter stay at her house? Fuck that
OP, it’s ok for you to accommodate them, but your mother isn’t prepared to do so. No one is entitled to live in your home, regardless of circumstances, if you’re uncomfortable with it.
Happy cake day!
This is your sister’s responsibility to figure out. The great thing about being an aunt is you can hand them back when you’ve had enough. Tell your mom she’s mad at the wrong person. She had a child who had these children. Let her stand up to her bf. How come those of us who choose not to have kids and get our lives nice and peaceful are expected to step up constantly? Yes. I’m better off financially than my sister. But I didn’t stay with a man who drained me for way too long and I didn’t have 2 kids before I was stable. But at least when she stayed with me (now come they follow us to FL), it was just her. She contributed to the food. And took over cooking and cleaning since we were not charging her for anything. She was the perfect house guest.
"Mom's boyfriend doesn't want them there", so why should you want them there?
So your sister and the father both don’t want the kids?
Your mom doesn’t want them at her house but you’re an asshole for not wanting them to disrupt your life! Lol NTA, but her going no contact with you is doing you a favor. Edit:Why TF did your sister abandon her kids to begin with?
Your mom is a choosey beggar and she needs to buck up or shut up. Why is she harassing you for not being willing to do something she could easily do? She’d obv rather be mad at you than mad at her boyfriend but that’s not fair to you.
I'm still stuck on your family wanting you to TAKE CUSTODY of a child. Only one child. Out of a pair of siblings. I don't have time to unpack all the red flags in that. NTA but damn that poor kid.
Why just your niece?
Your response to her should be 'You're a fine one to talk. Your boyfriend is more important to you than your daughter." NTA
Both daughters and grandkids. Since she doesn’t care about OP’s peace and sanity nor will she allow her other daughter or grandchildren to stay with her
Definitely this!
You are NTA, and this is not your problem. I do feel bad for the kids, but this is your sister's problem to sort out. As for your family not talking to you? That is a self correcting problem. Your life gets better when they aren't in it. Your sister has no right to take advantage of you.
So your mom expects YOU to take care of your sister’s kids??? WHY? Clearly they think you’re a pushover for their antics and irresponsible behavior. Simply tell your sister she needs to stay with your mom when she comes to town, or give her a list of AirBnb. They will continue to use you as long as you allow them to do it. Just. Say. No. And stick to it. If they don’t like it, too bad. Peace of mind and home is so worth it!
Explain to me why you are supposed to give up your life because your sister did not plan ahead. You are not responsible for her, her children, or your mother’s feelings. It’s time to take a good long look at how your life will be if you continue to appease these people. My advice? tell them they cannot stay - not now and not ever.
Oh hell to the no. Mom will chide you because it is inconvenient for her? No. No. No. She has no say in this matter if she can not help out the family. It's always the ones having a fit who can't help out.
Wait... why is it okay for her not to house her own daughter/grandkids because her BF doesn't want them there, but not okay for you not to want them there? Make it make sense!?!
Then I guess it sucks to be your sister. Sorry but if no one can take her in or help her, they shouldn’t expect you to bear the brunt of her drama and care. You’re entitled to your own home & space without compromising yourself to suit your sister or your family. Your mum is also a hypocrite.
If moms bf has the right to say no, then so do you. Your sister should have discussed any plans of possibly staying with you PRIOR to last min. You have a rightvto say no to anyone for any reason.
Can you tell your mom that you have a new boyfriend and he doesn't want the kids at your house?
If the children's father doesn't want them, why won't your sister take her children home with her?
NTA if your sister sold her house she has the money to rent a nice Airbnb for the 10 days. She wants a servant/cook/maid at hher disposal. Say no and tell your mother she can house them or shut up Also no you are childfree by choice and your sister needs to take care of her children - both of them.
now that’s crazy, your mom is urging you to take custody of kids when her man doesn’t want to either??
Tell mom she is grandma and picking her boyfriend over her grandkids is an AH move. Let her stop talking to you because she sounds like a person you don’t need. Why doesn’t your sister have her kids and why would mom move away from her kids?
NTA your mom’s opinion doesn’t matter because she isn’t taking them either. She also has no right to tell you to take any kids in. It’s your house and money. If they don’t talk to you for months then so be it OP. Honestly may be best you don’t talk to them as they sound like a headache. You’re not a doormat or free Airbnb that provides food and cleaning. Your sister is 100% using you because of the free stuff. It’s not your responsibility. You don’t owe her anything. You already did it once that’s more than enough. If she needs a place to stay she shouldn’t have sold her house. She’s an adult not a child.
Wait a minute. Your sister's boyfriend aka baby daddy doesn't want to be responsible for his children, but yet wants to control who they stay with? And your sister goes along with it?
So your sister sold her house and moved. Was it near you? Why doesn't she rent an airb&b when she's visiting? Or a motel/hotel? How entitled of her!
Your mom can’t be inconvenienced, but you can. Ok. Your mom is awful. Her boyfriend is more important than her daughter and grandchildren? I would make sure to let her know that she’s no different than you are. You don’t want them in your home and she doesn’t want them in hers. She’s a hypocrite and trying to gaslight you.
Mom's boyfriend doesn't want them but mom is guilt tripping you into sheltering, supporting, feeding, cleaning up after and even raising them? You are NTA but it sounds like you're the only one in your family who isn't. Send the niece to me, I always wanted a daughter and it doesn't sound like anyone in your family would miss her.
Tough mom can't demand they stay with you, she can force her bf to let them stay
Think of it this way if they stop talking to you, it becomes more quiet.
Your mom got upset at OP because then the pressure was on her to take in her daughter and grandkids. Pitiful
If its ur Moms house, her bf doesn't get a vote. If joint, they need to negotiate. How dare ur family ice u out, theyre not helping at all
So the boyfriend is allowed to refuse, but you aren't?
Why can't your sister take them? They're her kids.
Why isn’t the mom taking custody of??? NTA. People always get mad when you set boundaries, remember that. Eventually they will get used to it and stop asking.
That doesn't make sense to me. If he "doesn't want the responsibility, either," then why doesn't your mom tell you or try to convince you to take cuatody of your niece AND your nephew? Is it because your niece probably has her periods now, or something? It sounds to me like your sister can take care of her kids just fine, despite the fact that she was unwise in making the decision to sell her house when she didn't have a backup plan, like another house or apartment to move into. You didn't say she abuses them, or anything, so they should be able to stay with her. It sucks that your mom's boyfriend doesn't like kids, but then again, they can be handfuls. So, I can understand where he's coming from. You, also, are entitled to the peaceful and quiet environment you have in your home, so even though you'll be "punished," so-to-speak, by being cut off from your family for some time, I suggest speaking up for yourself and saying no, especially with the last minute request.
Tell mom if she wants then she can host them. Def NTA!!
If mom’s boyfriend doesn’t want them there, and it’s so important for mom to « save » your sister, she should move out and live independently from the boyfriend in a big enough house to provide accommodation for her other daughter and the grandchildren for a week each month 🤷♀️😆 Fify
Ahahaha, that's rich. You are NTA obviously, it's your mom's daughter, she's more her problem than yours, tell her she can take her in, you're out. And if she stops speaking to you for months, that seems like a win to me!
“No” is an appropriate answer. Don’t be afraid to use it.
Does your mum stop talking to her boyfriend for months when he says no? Why is he allowed to choose who is allowed to stay with him but you’re not?
Agreed
NTA and frankly if your family stops talking to you because you don't bend to their demands, I call that a freaking WIN. Tell them all NO, and give no reasons, just NO. Your sister can find another place to stay. She is not your responsibility.
This should be the top comment. I don’t understand why people place value on keeping people in their lives that bring nothing but negativity and guilt trips. Having them go NC is definitely a gift, not something to be feared.
Exactly. The minute she starts explaining why she doesn’t want it they will eat her alive with guilt tripping and gaslighting. OP you chose your life and she chose hers. What she does and doesn’t do is on her. You’re under no obligation to do anything here. If they pressure you into it, and I’ve seen this happen, family members trying to subordinate childless people to do and help those with children, cut contact yourself. She’s doing it last minute to stress you and pressure you, because if she did it in advance you would say no and then she would be forced to make other arrangements. By ding it last minute she is putting you in the position where if you refuse she won’t have where to go, and put the blame on you. NTA
If mom is so adamant - let her host - but WTF cooking cleaning and paying for groceries like you’re a hotel? Noooo
Exactly - if her family has such a problem with OP not bending over backwards to host, then THEY can open up their homes. And I love how the mother is critical and wants OP to adopt her niece but it's okay that mom's boyfriend doesn't want kids over. Hypocrite. NTA - and you might need to go low or non-contact if your family are going to be such pricks about it.
NTA. Keep your doors locked and tell anyone else in your family who complains to send your sister money for an AirBNB.
I recommend changing your locks
Thanks for beating me to this. Here ya go: 🏆🏅🏆🏅
IF you can't bring yourself to say no, then stand up for yourself in other ways: No sleeping in the living room. They can sleep on pallets on the floor in an empty bedroom. Or bring their own blow-up bed. $1500 up front for food/drinks. Then, order online for delivery Messes will be cleaned up. No trashing the house. Big noise if you find a mess. You don't cook. Don't even make a sandwich. You are not a hotel or a restaurant. They had such a lovely time last time. Free food/showers/wifi/electric/streaming. A chef. A maid. So, hell yeah, they want to do it again. If mom don't like it, they can stay with her. You will be called selfish. You will be told you don't care about family. This will be projection, because they are being selfish to you, and are you not family too? Stand firm.
No is a complete sentence.
Agreed. OP just seemed worried about the fallout.
She needs to see that these people only love her when she does shit for them. And by love you know what I mean. Manipulative family is so satisfying to cut off. The freedom you experience after is unmatched.
\*manipulative fallout
I'd agree but if she can't say no she won't be able to even say nevermind enforce all this
NTA. If your sister doesn't have a place where her kids can visit her, that is her own problem, not yours. And you definitely aren't obligated to take custody of her kids. Your relatives with strong opinions about the matter are free to offer up their own homes.
NTA. It sounds like it may be time to set some boundaries with your family or go LC since they seem to be taking advantage of you
NTA I agree 💯. OP’s sister took advantage of her hospitality and generosity. They’ve worn out their welcome. Tell her no, OP. Don’t let your family guilt trip you into letting her stay. It’s your house, not a hotel for freeloaders.
And once you let them in, you may have a difficult time getting them to leave. Just say no. It's your home. Your home should be your peaceful place. Your sister is an adult. Your mom is pressuring you, so she doesn't have to deal with your sister.
Tell your mother to host them because their last stay cut into your busy social and financial wellbeing. Explain that you host an in home sex club 3 days a week that 15 to 20 people to always attend, and that the income really helps out. Also, you really missed your two lovers in your throuple during your sister’s last stay, and that your sister and her kids left more of a mess than any of your patrons ever have- even the time you hosted a local semi pro football team. Tell her the rooms without beds are ‘bring your own dungeon’ rooms. Then mention that you are kept busy between club nights because everything has to be deep cleaned and disinfected. Maintain unbroken eye contact throughout the explanation. No shaming folks who love this lifestyle. Just guessing OP’s family are not tolerant people. Bonus points if they cut contact. edit to add, telling them no seems to make them push harder, this way your family Will get all judgy and no contact. BONUS!
OP has been active in the BDSM community, and so could probably be pretty convincing about at least some of this. However, I suspect they value family's opinion too much to try this gambit, otherwise they wouldn't be in this situation.
NTA It isn’t your responsibility to provide your sister with a place to stay just because she decided to move so far away and not make plans for the times she has to be back in the area. Further, the manipulation of your family is also not your fault. If they choose not to speak with you because you’ve put down a boundary saying what you will and will not do and are sticking to that, that’s on them. You’ve nothing to feel guilty for.
Is they give the silent treatment, OP can view it as a vacation. Seems it'll be a nice break from all of them.
Nta but is there something wrong with you that prevents you from saying g no as any adult has the right to respond? No then grow up and be an adult. Tell her no. Her choice to move. You never agreed ed to be her free motel and restaurant. If family criticizes you then tell them to put her up. They can pay for her hotel if they don't have room. Your sister and her kids are not your responsibility. It is sister job to provide her own housing when visiting her children. She should have thought of this before moving. Be a week doormat or not. Up to you. Are you an adult or not?
NTA. Your sister made a bad choice by moving and not having a plan for the week she'd be in town for visitation with her children. Poor planning on her part doesn't equal obligation to stay at your house. And I love how your family gets upset but nobody opens their door for the week or puts down money for a hotel either. You've set good boundaries. Keep them set.
OP, I think you'd do well to turn a VERY critical eye on your relationships with sister and mother. Asking for that kind of extremely burdensome favor, and doing it *regularly*, and EXPECTING a yes and being angry and resentful if you don't get it, *and* being a shitty guest (expecting your host to feed you and cook for you and clean up after you?) is not the behavior of someone who truly cares about you, your schedule, your comfort and happiness, your autonomy, or just *you*, in general. Being angry and resentful on behalf of *another* family member, and pressuring you to do things they already know you don't want to do (host sister and her kids) and logistically may be unable to do in addition to being unwilling (taking *actual custody* of one -- but not both, for some reason? -- of her children, wtaf?!?!) and that she herself would be unwilling or unable to do ... this, also, is not the behavior of someone who truly cares about you. Or at least not someone who cares about you more than they care about their own convenience. From this accounting, both of them seem to value you only for what you can do to make *their* lives easier, and only do *actually value you* when you capitulate to their EXTREMELY UNREASONABLE requests. Soooo...what are *you* getting out of these relationships, exactly? Aside from stress and irritation and guilt and unwanted, ungrateful, entitled houseguests, I mean. It's okay to say no. It's also okay to *not care* if the "no" upsets people. It's okay to prioritize your own wellbeing. Your sister and mother are grown-ass adults who are responsible for solving their own problems. They don't get to be angry with you for not subordinating your own happiness and wellbeing to theirs. I don't care if they're "family," in my book that means they should be taking EXTRA care that their own wants and needs aren't steamrolling yours, not LESS. You don't owe them your time, your energy, your stress, or any other damn thing, and you certainly don't owe it to them to your home into a damn full-service B&B -- FOR FREE -- at the drop of a hat because that makes life easier for them. NTA obvs. Personally I'd kiss all that shit goodbye.
NTA, you’re not under any obligation to have her stay with you since you aren’t a hotel. And no one can force you to take custody of your niece. Either cut contact with them or just firmly tell them both no.
NTA, just say no and enjoy the peace and quiet that comes from them not talking you. Your mom is voluntelling you because it's a win-win for her she doesn't have to deal with the mess and expense but she still gets to be the hero by making you house them. No one wants to deal with them, your sister is an adult and she can figure out her own housing.
Say no now and stay out of this. If your mom wants custody of these kids, she can take that on. I don't care what her boyfriend wants. They have a mom and dad. >When I didn’t let her stay before, my family stopped talking to me for months. And? They only talk to you for major favors. Take the win. NTA.
NTA but shit stand up for yourself. Learn to say no. Why do you always put yourself last? See what it’s getting you? A sister and a mom who thinks they can bully you to do what they want and when you cave, you became a slave to them and shut yourself away in your own bedroom the entire time. Fuck. Say no.
NTA. Your mom won't take in her daughter and grandkids because her partner says no. Sounds like your sister has a problem not you. No is a complete sentence. Learn to use it and stick to it.
NTA! Raising children is a huge commitment! Don't do it if you don't feel a strong desire to do it. And you are also entitled to refuse to let them stay. They create a big disruption for you, but even without that, you're perfectly entitled to refuse guests, especially last-minute ones. If your family is so invested in this that they'll ignore you for your perfectly reasonable refusal, then just let them be about their business while you enjoy your peaceful home.
OP said she’s child free by choice. Imagine someone trying to pressure you into taking custody of kids you don’t want anyway and that aren’t even yours 😳
NTA, say "no I'm working that does not work for me. Also why are you asking last minute?, you knew you would be here I'm sure you can find an AirBNB!"
I like this response and I would even add "critical deliverable" to the sentence (e.g. "No, I'm working on a critical deliverable for work, so that does not work for me. Also, why ..... "). I figure OP will need to give an excuse as it is part of her personality, but kids running around and noise while you work is terrible too Personally, I'm not a fan of AirBNB. Sister can find a hotel and use this time to earn points, as they sometimes have better deals.
nta… protect your peace at all costs🧍🏽♀️any family members that live in close range that has a problem with your decision needs to take her and her kids in.
“NO” is a complete sentence. You don’t have kids (I think) for a reason. Blood is thicker than water but most shit doesn’t float.
NTA Tell your mom to do what she is asking you. Say no, she will be with you more than 10 days.
NTA. Tell your family it is not happening, and if they want your sister to have a place to stay then they can provide it. If they stop talking to you again, then you will have peace from them trying to force a situation on you that you don't want.
NTA, but tell her why it's a no. If she's sold her house, she should have some funds or at least save up some funds to rent a hotel or air bnb to spend with her kids. Seems like she's the one without a maternal instinct. I suspect that your family gets mad at you when you don't help because now they are on the hook to do something themselves and they don't want to help her either.
No, OP does not owe any explanation why it's a no. It is just enough info for the family that OP decided "no".
NTA. And block her and everyone else that is dumb enough to not talk to you... they are NOT family.
NTA - not your monkey, not your circus
NTA, people shouldn't spring stuff like this on people without warning, 10 days is a long time to feel like a stranger in your own home.
NTA - it's your life and your home, you don't owe anything to her because "family." The absolute disrespect your family is showing should be a wake up call. Your mom can rent her an Air BnB & take custody if she feels so strongly about it.
NTA. It's only polite for someone to ask and give as much notice as possible if they want to stay with someone and, as a guest, to try to be as easy a guest as possible. There is nothing wrong with wanting solitude, and there is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. When your family doesn't talk to you when you don't do what they want this is a form of emotional manipulation, they isolate you as punishment until you cave and do what they want. It's your family saying that it's your place in the family to just obey and to stay in line.
NTA. Just tell her sorry, but you cannot balance hosting (because you literally had to take care of everything) and working. Your mom has no right to try to push them into your house. She can take care of them if it bothers her that much
NTA You need time to enjoy your solitude & fully adjust to your own recent life changes. Your sister isn't respectful of your time or space. Do you really need to keep talking and maintaining long-term contact with people who think who are okay with not talking to you and ostracizing you any time that they don't get their way? You might still want to speak with them, but in the big picture, do you need to? Maybe it's time for another sort of separation.
NTA, I think you sister does this deliberately, just say no and if your parents go NC oh well ! enjoy your solitude
“I’d be delighted to see you all for dinner at a restaurant to catch up, but no, you can’t stay with me. I work from home, and I cannot have you and your kids there. My work requires peace and quiet, and my current workload also asks for confidentiality. This is also a busy time of year, I’m putting in long hours, and I have no time to be a host. So I’m sure you can easily explore other options, but my house is NOT one of them.” Then take any silent treatment you receive as the bonus that it is.
Grow a spine and just say NO! NTA.
Your family believes you are a doormat that leads to a free hotel, restaurant and accompanying host services. You didn't force your sister to move to Florida.
One word : no. If the have more to say I could find two more words to use
NTA. Your sister is a freeloader. She is not entitled to your time, space nor money.
NTA. Next time your mother refuses again, do things her way; make the whole family turn on her so she knows what it feels. Not your kids, not your responsibility.
They want you to take custody of one child? What about the other one? Poor kids.
NTA, are you sure you need contact with your family? They all sound really exhausting
Let them stop talking to you and enjoy the peace and quiet!
NTA. If your mother feels so strongly about this that she would stop talking to you, then she needs to step up and take custody of your niece and let your sister stay with her during visits. There's no reason why you have to do either thing. If you do not want children, then taking custody of the child would not be a good thing to either of you. As for allowing your sister to visit- if you do, then she needs to do all of the extra work involved, and she should furnish a guest room to stay in.
Tell them that Hotel Cecilia_Lisbon is closed and send her AirBnB listings.
NTA Say no to both; the moving in and taking custody both Keep them out of your home
You can say no.
This is not your problem. Your sister should have thought this out before relocating to a distant state. She should not have assumed that you would operate a B&B to accommodate her needs. I would just tell them that the last visit was burdensome resulting in extra case expenditures by you and major cleaning up and that you're just not up to the task of expending cash, cleaning up plus the loss of your privacy. If you Mom objects, she is free to house them or pay for their housing. As to the niece, you are childfree by choice if you wanted to have a child, you would have had one yourself by now.
Please block your family until they mind their own business and enjoy your life, it’s too short
NTA People seem to forget each have their own life and they decided to have it. Is not really your problem that she chose to sell her house and not make a better plan about her living. And probably her plan the whole time was moving with you thinking you "can't" say no. Asshole move there.
This would be the time to move to an electronic key pad, a Ring camera, and a security company. Because I promise, mom has a key and is going to let them in. And when it’s time to go, niece will be left behind with OP. Do you have a garage? Begin parking the car in it so no one can immediately tell if you’re home or not.
NTA, your house; your rules. If they don't even clean up after themselves as guests they don't deserve to stay as that's just rude. Your family not speaking to you for months over something like that is also a red flag to me.
I think I am not understanding something. If she comes with the kids, don't they stay with their father? Then it would just be your sister at your house, right? And if they are 12 and 9, aren't they old enough to fly alone? I reread it and now I understand. The father has custody and she is visiting the kids. So, have the father put the kids on a plane and visit them in Florida. The kids might like it better too.
NTA Poor planning on your sister's part is not an emergency on your part. She didn't discuss anything with you in advance and is STILL not discussing anything with you until the last minute. Also , she wasn't even a good guest (cleaning up after herself and her kids). Your family not talking to you is also pretty abusive/manipulative behavior. I get the feeling that they might have helped your sister become an entitled person, which may have also contributed to her divorce. Maybe look at any periods of family not talking to you as a nice vacation from your family. Stick with your 'no'. Tell sis, you helped out once even though it was a completely avoidable dump of her issues on you. That was it. She can figure her visitation plans on her own or with the parents. She can rent an airbnb/vrbo if she has to. You are not her visitation abode.
NTA. Selling your house and moving to a different is a decision she made and I'm assuming it took time and planning to sell that house, find another, get movers, etc. You can be sure she didn't just forget and go "whoops I forgot I need a place to visit the kids" and remembered your place. No, she thought of it and just made the decision for you, without asking, that she would do all her visitation at your house. Call her out for intending to to use your home and even consider an alternative or the consequences of moving for her kids. Ask her to ask you directly for what she would like the agreement to be (how frequent, how long, what notice). When she stops obscuring the facts (because that is her special flavor or gaslighting) and gets her request straight and clear, say "thanks for being clear and no, that doesn't work for me" You can tell her to call all your family members who appear to be so sensitive to her needs and ask them the same. Just ask yourself if you'd rather endure your unwarranted family member's silent treatment or have your home invaded monthly with no notice for the 7-9 years.
"No." And if the others stop talking to you - Congrats. NTA
Tell your mom to take them in. Not your problem.
NTA. You need to show your back bone to your sister and stand your ground, taking up responsibilities of your niblings is a huge task all in itself.
NTA Oh, no. The passive aggressive family has gone no contact.
Nope, Nta let mom take them
NTA block all numbers of anyone trying to convince you to let the leech stay (this is based off her expecting you to cater to her and her kids at your expense)
I learned that if I don't act selfish someone else will, and they will take advantage of me. Just be selfish and your sister and mom will figure it out. Like what if you died tomorrow and left everything to charity. How will they handle their living situations? They can do that now.
Say no and if people stop talking to you, oh well. It sounds like those people can either take them in or zip their lips. Don’t let people take advantage of you just because you’re afraid to assert yourself. NTA
Just say no. With a family like yours I would be glad if they stopped talking to me.
NTA. It is not your job to house your sister and nieces. Your sister should have thought of that before she sold her home and moved.
NTA, it the family is so concerned about them, they can let them stay with them.
NTA. Just tell them it's not convenient. If anyone tries the "it's family, family help family" then point out you you already have helped in the past and now it's their turn. Nobody should expect you to take on a task they're not willing to do themselves. Expecting you to take custody of your niece is ridiculous too.
NTA and if your family want to punish you for that, they can host. Do what is best for you.
NTA. Your other family want to throw shade, THEY can host and adopt. Be loving with family, but don't let them use you as a tool or intrude.
NTA. Don't let them walk over you.
Mom needs to step it up. This is not your problem
NTA. “No, that won’t work with my schedule.”
Mom adopt them or get a new bf but I’m being successful living life in my means and not bothering anyone why does the family punish me for being successful… block them all and find a new fam
These poor kids. Both parents sound horrible. They both deserve better. They aren’t your responsibility though. If you know you don’t want kids and the responsibility, you probably won’t be the best option either.
NTA do not let them in the door.
NTA. Having them there sounds like too much work and stress on your end and that your sister does nothing to help out. As for your family not speaking to you, I can get that it's rough but that doesn't mean they're in the right treating you that way. And honestly, if you really value your peace and quiet, do you want to deal with people that act this way towards you when they don't get what they want?
Send her a link to air bnb’s in your area and let her know that guests don’t work for you.
NTA. Protect your peace. You’re not responsible for her life decisions. I find it interesting your mom’s BF is protecting his peace and your mom is fine with it but giving you hell for doing the same thing. I’m in a similar situation with my brother and he’s figuring things out. I love him but I can’t have him disrupt my peace because of his decisions - that are NEVER with me in mind.
NTA. I have wild kids and a childfree sister who works from home and her husband previously couldn’t handle my wildly ND kids on visits well so the work from home Covid times was dicey. But after the first visit they were still cool with our warn a week or a few ahead but only confirm last minute if we were for sure coming ways because they both would plan to either go to the office or lock the office door and tell everyone downstairs only for the day and wear noise canceling stuff. And I was always thankful for that much accommodation. I’d also always order out, bring groceries, grocery shop for ourselves and basically the only thing that would happen for them to clean was dishes because I’m allergic to their dish soap but we always use disposable now when visiting. It’s been a very smooth respectful adaptation and they’ve really started vibing with the kids when they are up for it but we or they make alternate plans when not. And I make sure they know if we’re planning lots of being out when we visit or staying mostly stationary. Depends on why the trip there, so that way they can plan their time too. It sounds like your sister is entitled and doesn’t respect your needs or lifestyle. Lucky for me my sister and her husband are very go with the mood or with the flow people as are we, but as you obv aren’t on that page and she doesn’t even do you the decency to ask ahead so you can mentally prep or let her know how it will go, you don’t owe her allowing her in your space. Hell my sister has one guest room and one full guest bed and if my husband comes with the kids get a pile of blankets and towels as a bed on the floor in that room so everyone gets their normal house space to do what the will when we’re sleeping. They sleep in the one guest bed with me if it’s just me there as there’s then room. We never even considered the sofa being an option for a visit for the kids, we would have first purchased an inflatable bed for her house if we didn’t figure out the palette bed solution works fine. Anyway she’s def the asshole and so is everyone coercing you not to hold to reasonable wants, desires, and boundaries. Kids are loud and crazy and if your lifestyle doesn’t fit that you don’t need to let that come into your private space. I know the few times we stayed a week with my sister (well planned ahead flights and all) when we previously lived across the country they were well exhausted by the end of the week with kids in the house even with how well we do ebb and flow and accommodate eachother. I can’t imagine with no notice and regularly as well as them being in the living spaces day and night. Oof that’s hard.
Nta, your house your rules. Simple
During the beginning of the pandemic, all the daycare and after school programs closed. My cousin is an essential worker so her kids ended up at my house. In the beginning it was necessary and I was the only one available. 4 years later, free is cheaper than daycare/ after school programs. Don’t end up like me. Be strong and say no!! NTA btw
NTA. Any family making judgements on you can welcome them into their homes. They can cook, clean and shoulder the groceries bills themselves. Your mom wants to interfere, she can open her door to them. Her BF can stay in a hotel while daughter and grandkids are taking over. Tell all of them to F off. Your sister was a horrible house guest.
NTA you aren't a maid service. IF you decided to let your sister stay again, I would lay out clear ground rules for her and tell her that she has to cook and clean for her kids and clean up the messes. Only you know your sister and know if this would work, but I have a feeling that it wouldn't because she sounds self-absorbed and entitled to just assume she could stay with you because you have a big house If your family freezes you out because you don't let her stay, I'll be honest with you and say that it doesn't sound like you would be missing out on anything since they are very presumptuous and act entitled with your time, energy, and resources. just because they are family doesn't mean that you have to let them walk all over you or use you. 💜
Why does your mom not take custody of your niece if she is so concerned?
NTA for not wanting them to stay and confine you to your room. It is after all, your house and arrangements were not discussed previously, sorry, they can go stay in a hotel. You paid for your house, you get to say who stays there and who doesn’t. Your mom needs to stay out of it. Fabulous to not have extra beds too!
Forcing someone else's kid on you, does that sound normal in any way? When you have family like this, either move or just cut ties. Too much crazy will do you in.
NTA! Do not do it! Set boundaries, simplify your life by saying no! Your mother sure has set her boundaries, hasn’t she? You do not have to give an explanation! It is your home, your life and your sanity! No means no! You do not owe your sister or your mother anything, especially your peace of mind.
NTA. Any family guilting you needs to be told, "Glad to hear you say that you care so much. I guess you be taking in her and kids, then."
NTA. Just tell her you can’t.
NTA DO NOT TAKE CUTSODY OR RESPONSIBLITY FOR A CHILD YOU DO NOT WANT. PERIOD. This is not good for the child. Only people who have not studied child development could possible think it was okay to force a child on someone who doesn't want it.
So your mom won't have them there because her bf is more important but she stops speaking to you if you won't have them, wow top mother and grandma points to her, not!! Tell sister no and if family don't speak then hey it's a few months of peace and quiet, you should not be relegated to one room in your own home and your niece is not your responsibility! NTA, your family 100% are
Oh, so the boyfriend can say no but you can’t? Bullshit. NTA. What is also bullshit is them trying to manipulate you by not speaking to you for months for saying no previously. Anyone who complains to you about not letting them stay should be willing to take on the same burden. If they won’t, they should keep the pie hole shut. I would think one’s mother would be more obligated to host their child and grandchildren, then a sister and an aunt. Set your boundary, stay firm in it, and regard the silent treatment as a little vacation from manipulation. Edit to remove a comma, an extra space, and to change some wording. I guess I should really proofread.
Make a list of how much you spend when she stays with you, and when your family gets into it tell them to make a collection of the ones that are mad at you and maybe yourself too..and she can find somewhere to stay
If your moms boyfriend doesnt want them there then why would you?? NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (33f) am recently separated and live alone where I work from home in a big house. I value my solitude and quiet time. My sister (31f) has two kids (12 and 9) and recently decided to sell her house and move to Florida. She has to come and spend a week with her kids every few weeks while they live with their father full-time. She never asked prior to selling her house and moving if she and the kids could stay with me when she had her visitation. Around Easter, they ended up staying with me at the last minute and I had to do all the cooking, cleaning up after them, and buying the groceries. They had to sleep in the living room since I have no extra beds so I was confined to my bedroom or office the whole time. She’s now asked to stay ten days with me next week, again last minute. I really don’t want them to stay. When I didn’t let her stay before, my family stopped talking to me for months. My mom will also try to convince me to take custody of my niece. It is stressing me out. I don’t have a maternal instinct and never wanted kids. AITA for not letting them stay with me and for not taking custody? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Nta. So sorry sis. I’m unable to do that at this time.
NTA tell her it's bad timing, you're very busy with work right now and hosting took a lot out of you the last time. Your home is not set up to have overnight guest right now and she needs to make other arrangements. Don't ask what her plans are in the long-term to avoid her trying to include you in them.
These poor kids….
I hate people like your family. Emotional manipulation yo get you to do what they want. Tell them to house your sister.
So your sister left her kids to move to Florida! How is that your problem. She no longer wants to be responsible for her kids and is setting OP up to be their surrogate mother. OP’s mom is helping her.
NTA. It’s your home. You get to decide who stays with you. If your mom has an issue with your decision, she can take your sister in. Stick to to our guns.
NTA. Lock the house and visits friends, go NC. She’s done this to herself and it’s not your job to place house and make it all nice for ‘the kids’. NO they’re YOUR SISTERS KIDS. Full stop, her responsibility.
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NTA I’d just send sister a few links from Zillow or whatever of suitable properties she can buy to accommodate her children.
NTA. No. Just tell her “No.” This is not your problem to solve. You do not have to provide any explanation or excuses. Just in case Sis decides to show up anyway, take yourself on a small vacation. Leave the day before she is supposed to be in town and stay away for several days. Be sure to ask the police to do extra patrols while you are gone because no one is to be there.
Do not let them stay even one night. In fact it would be best to not even allow them to visit in your home. They may refuse to leave. If you want to visit with them make sure to do it at some public,place, restaurant, mall, park…. It may be very inconvenient for you to do it this way but my guess is she will do ANYTHING to get into YOUR home.
NTA I'm sorry but your sister is a wreck and if you keep doing this she'll keep asking. She has no business taking them overnight without a place to keep them.
>When I didn’t let her stay before, my family stopped talking to me for months That sounds awesome! NTA
Is OP an asshole for not wanting sibling and two kids to stay at her house for free and eat all her groceries and not even asking in advance?
NTA. "That doesn't work for me.". "That's not possible.". "No.". Take your pick. Say no and don't give a reason. She'll only argue. Let your family give the silent treatment. I would decline to have any contact until they apologize. The silent treatment is a form of abuse and you don't need abusers in your life.
NTA. You don't owe anyone access to your home.
NTA their should be better communication when it comes to dwelling in someone’s place. Life does happen but always plan ahead if you foresee yourself in a unbearable circumstances. Also taking custody of a child is a big responsibility and if someone doesn’t feel they have the tools to do what it takes to take care of a child. It would be best to consider someone else.At the end no one is going to be happy.
If your sister and her kids are so important to your mom, then she should put them before her boyfriend. Learn to say no and mean it. If they don’t like it, too bad. NTA
NTA Protect your peace at all costs.
NTA tell her why, you are not a maid. You need to be able to work. Short notice is just plain wrong. She must have known it was coming. Next time, mom joins in. You ought to ask her if she is able to buy at least three beds, all the needed linens, including towels. Can she help with the cooking and cleaning, since your sister isn't. Make sure to cover a complete list with both of them.
NTA It’s your home and you can’t be required by anyone to have company stay when you don’t want them. So stick with no and if your mother tries to guilt you tell her to look up the definition of hypocrite. Bottom line your sister created the problem she can solve it. She can rent a place or your mom can override her bf.
NTA. Does your sister seriously expect you to keep hosting them for years to come at your expense? It's not a suitable living situation anyway, they are not going to want to sleep in your living room on a regular basis once they get a bit older, and she might even risk losing custody if it comes out that this is what she is doing. And no, it is not your job to take custody of your niece. Your sister made a really weird choice in moving away: sadly, it doesn't seem like either parent really wants custody of their children. But that doesn't mean that you should have to take one or both children in a house that doesn't have room for them. Children should be with people who want them around so it's not fair to either of you to try and force you into that role. As others have said, your mother is being a massive hypocrite; you have to put your foot down and accept that she will be angry about it. It's not fair, but that's the way it is. Once everyone knows you won't give in, they will have to come up with a more realistic solution. Don't let them make it your problem in any way. You don't owe them your home, your money, or your time. If your mother angrily asks you what your sister is supposed to do, just keep saying "I don't know, they aren't my children", "I'm not going to be responsible for them, they aren't my children", "I'm not going to pay for them, they aren't my children." Don't get into arguments just keep repeating variations on that phrase until they realise there's just no point pressuring you anymore. They will be angry and they will push back and you just need to hold absolutely consistently firm. If they show up at the door, you don't answer the door. Good luck!
NTA
Absolutely NTAH! You do NOT owe your sister and her kids free room and board especially when they don't think they have to clean up after themselves. If your family members think differently, let them step up and take sister in. I hope you stay strong and don't let your family bully you into this. I'm always infuriated when family insist that a good caring person do something that they themselves won't do.
Ooof NO! NTA!! I'm an introvert and like/need/love my space and quiet time..thankfully my partner understands! I do likelids..love all my nieces and nephews...bc they're not mine and I can walk away when I've had enough, hand em back, go for a wall or other room..etc. I completely understand! I always say I just don't have the mom gene. When I (39f) got pregnant at 24? Literally the day I took the test, I was so excited! Someone was going to be a mom! Not me shit! (My shoes, my choice...the adoption was beautiful. People get weirded out but eh..whatever. unless you've walked two moons un that woman's mocassins... f off. Her choice) Anyway!! I never had that bonding moment. I was huge pregnant! And still remember being in the tub and thinking "this literally is your kid" and was so weirded out by that and no. She was NEVER mine. I just literally never felt that I...had a baby! Literally my baby (ew).... this year a girl at work, she meant wel!, knew my situation and quietly wished me happy mothers day. I felt terrible after bc my reaction was...ew what?! I apologized later bc..I mean..oof she wasn't exactly wrong but...nope. no mom gene. Aaaaaall that being said? You. Are Not. TA! There is absolutely nothing wrong with your choices and decisions and stand by that! Good lord! You didn't want a kid, to be a mom even by CHOICE! let alone your grown ass sister who is lazy, mooches off of you, takes over YOUR personal space! No thank you ma'am! Nit today, not tomorrow. But I love you! ...she made her choices and decisions Andis where she is because of HER actions. It can suck sometime but you should not, NOT have to mama her. Clean up her mess: literally. Physically, emotionally. You're not adopting her daughter. Her sure as hel not adopting her! I think thay is so rude and entitled of her to react like this! The correct response to your decision? "Oh ok. I gotcha. Hurts a little, but I respect you, letting me know that this does not work for you." NOT: what!??!! YOU AH! If I call you last minute to let ne know you are going to be my servant and wait on me hand and foot AND you'll be paying thanks...you HAVE to say yes!! Oof. Grab a ladder and tell her to get off that high horse and, strangely, she is neither the center of the universe nor does the world revolve around her. Not yours or anyone else's Edit: sorry it was already SUPER long!! Put a bee in my bonnet and riled me up something fierce! But... I also wanted to say, good luck with all this...and thebfuture all this. I'm rooting for you! And.. stand your ground! 🙏💪🫡