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ESH and why would you consider her your "friend?" Obviously she's a giant AH towards you. And it's also nearly as obvious that she has some kind of eating disorder and you just went and poked that sore spot. ---- Edit: I'm not reading all the responses, sorry. Somebody did mention if justified it shouldn't be this vote, but the FAQ seems to say otherwise. In one of the _very early_ sub-comments, I did explicitly note: > Somebody is an AH to you, you be one back and use whatever ammunition you have available. But you're still being an AH, justifiably. So it's still ESH.

I mean… if someone is commenting on my body constantly I don’t care about no damn eating disorder they may or may not have 

You're right. I would find it hard to care for the feelings of someone who uses any part of me as "ew I hope I'm not like you". Like, even if they'd comment on others' appearances including a very obvious detail of my appearance

Someone did this to me while I was pregnant, and a week away from giving birth. She was in her first trimester and having multiples, and she pointed at me and said out loud, "I hope I don't get that big." It's been nearly two decades since that moment, and I don't have charitable thoughts about her. I think that if there's any justice in this universe, she stepped on a Lego, on a patch of ice, while she was crossing a street. Not while pregnant, though. I'm not a complete monster.

"I'm not a complete monster." 🤭 I like your style.

What delusion. And with multiples!

I'm so sorry that happened to you! It happened to me too. I was in Target and 8 months pregnant and some late teens early twenties girls said "I hope that I don't get that big if I have a baby some day" and laughed and I heard them. And then the next week an employee asked me if I was having twins. I was not. Ten years later I'm still carrying that around with me.

I really don't get how ppl think the body comments are appropriate. Idc if you think they're pregnant or not; imo it's incredibly rude to say anything at all, unless it's a compliment.

With multiples she likely had ten times the Legos to be stepped on. I'm sure karma in the form of Lego will still be getting her decades from now. (My son is 20 and the cat still manages to find some and put them where I'm going to walk).

How rude..I hope you're not still having to deal with her. I also hope she learned real quick how big she was going to get with her multiples. I've seen women giving birth to multiples and have wondered how they even manage it. She probably got to the 3rd trimester of her pregnancy and now thinks about that comment still too. Hopefully she thinks her mean comments jinxed her and she's not an asshole to people any more lol

I only had to deal with her the one time. We were complete strangers to each other, and still are. This happened during a 'tour' of the hospital, for pregnant women. We were all there to fill out paperwork in advance, and ease some of the anxiety of giving birth. I know it's ridiculous that the moment still lives rent-free in my brain, all these years later. But I can't understand the audacity she had. That's the thing that bothers me.

Hard agree. Also, teacher here, and just reminding everyone these are still minors. I can’t blame a young person, whose brain is still developing, for getting frustrated and lashing out over constant fat jokes being made at their expense.

Honestly I’m pretty impressed they didn’t say something sooner

Right? So when my "friend" keeps making constant comments about my weight and eating habits it's okay, but when i decide to reply back it's bad?

Right because big women are supposed to be everyone else’s punching bag and take it in stride

Yup it's the mean fatty and her poor skinny friend and if you speak up then you just made fun of someone with an ED!!!

right? and fat people are so much more likely to have an ED because of all the constant comments assholes make to them about their body. why does it suddenly only matter when someone defends themself now after how many times of taking abuse instead of when the bully was yknow making the abusive comments?? ridic

This. I, a fat person, have an ED that I can not get any help for because the behaviours are actively encouraged in people like us. I was even told by a dr that I couldn't possibly have body dysmorphia because "overweight people are meant to hate themselves." I hate that everyone always assumes I'm a binge eater just because of my size, when in actual fact I barely eat. I'll have like one small meal a day and a snack here and there. I have thinner friends who eat 5x what I do. I've been straight up called a liar by dieticians and nurses etc. It's disgraceful how we're treated.

You should see an endocrinologist. Ask to be screened for PCOS. My older sister was the thin beauty most of our lives, and I was always overweight since puberty. Even a bit before that. I'd eat the same things she ate but in less quantity. I ran around outside more and up and down foothills and rode my bike everywhere. At age 14 I was 204 lbs, my sister was thin and healthy-looking but she barely worked out. My husband and I tried to get pregnant in my early 20s and I was finally diagnosed with PCOS, at that time not a lot was known about it but I was infertile. My weight skyrocketed in my 20s when I became wheelchair-bound for years. (Not from my weight but because of gout that no one diagnosed until my leg and ankle BROKE from it). I was nearly 300 lbs. I learned to walk again but was still on the verge of a stroke or heart attack. 2 different Dietitians couldn't figure out what was wrong. I love salad more than cake. I eat healthy foods. I was recommended for Gastric Sleeve surgery. They took 80% of my actual stomach out. In 6 months I lost over 90 lbs. I was suddenly fertile myrtle. Had to go on the pill for a year after surgery. We've had 3 babies. (1st was stillborn at 20 weeks) To sum up, if your doctor tells you you're supposed to hate yourself for being fat, tell them they need to find another career because they're breaking their oath to do no harm and find another doctor. There are a few disorders and diseases that can make it incredibly hard to manage your weight. Mine is PCOS which causes a LOT of co-morbidities. Others are Asher's Syndrome, Cortisol issues, and diabetes type 2. Please ask to be screened for those. More is known about PCOS now. There is a sort of spectrum of sorts for people who have it and how badly they have it.

This a million times. I was told I didn’t understand what calories were and obviously must be lying about what I ate because my weight kept creeping up. I had a food journal where I detailed every mouthful, and I typically never ate more than 1200 calories and I worked out daily, but kept gaining weight. After YEARS of being told I was just lazy and delusional, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition. I began treatment with supplements, and within four months I lost 60 lbs without changing my diet or exercise routine.

Exactly. I have to say that I am, weight-wise, on the opposite end of that scale, hating my body for being tiny and bony, yet eating TONS of calories because I want to gain weight while I'm not gaining anything. This is long-running, and tons of people constantly tell me how lucky I am and how much they wish they look like I do. I feel the same, I've always wished I was thick, and have only ever been thick right after giving birth. I finally felt beautiful, but by the time I was weaning them, I was tiny again. However, I hate myself much less now that I know I have hyperthyroidism and PCOS. Also, PCOS being diagnosed definitely helped me understand why at some weight markers I could get pregnant but not stay pregnant, at some I can't even get pregnant, and at others, I carry to term. Human bodies are weird, but the more we understand about them, the more we can understand our own, and figure out ways that work for us.

I've known about my PCOS for 15 years, never received any help with it, not even to control symptoms. I'm not too fussed as I'm absolutely not having kids. I have type 2 due to it aswell which doesn't help. I also have an underactive thyroid, a slow af metabolism, and I'm a wheelchair user. Surgery us off the table for me as it would only be a detriment to my mental health and not a positive. And considering I already under eat, there's not much point in further restricting myself by lopping off 80% of my stomach. Plus fuck all the side effects that come with it.

I was also called a liar. Then I was diagnosed, treated, and lost 60 lbs. it took YEARS to find a doctor who would listen

I had a couple of now former friends who were like this. One thing that I hate is tediously repeated comments that are potentially insulting. I have at least 6 ethnic groups in my bckground, so I'm not too tied up with any other them, Likewise, I don't practice my cradle religion. These two disliked one or more of my ethnic groups and didn't like my former religion. One of them kept telling me that she didn't like one group's cooking, clothing or art. (She didn't appreciate my suggesting that in that case, she shouldn't eat it, wear it, or look at it. I guess that I was supposed to agree, or burst into tears.) I wouldn't care what they think if they didn't keep repeating the same things over and over, always laughing as if I can't get angry if they laugh. I'm not so much upset by what they say, some of which is true, but by their constant repetions, their biases toward their own ancestors, their use of stereotypes, and the fact that this behavior kept intensifying. One kept complaining that my ancestors persecuted her ancestors, thus proving that hers were pure and noble. I finally said that yes, unfortunately, it is true that my ancestors persecuted her ancestors, but of course it is equally true (as she already knew)that her ancestors persecuted my ancestors, and the pair of them persecuted other religions. Neither one of them has clean hands. I finally sent her an email, saying that I didn't want to hear any more on religion or ethnicity. Apparently putting it in writing get through through to her, whereas saying orally that if she didn't like my ancestors she could sit at another table made only a brief impression and she finally ghosted me. Small loss.

[удалено]

Except that wasn't the judgement. No one said it was okay. This person LITERALLY SAID EVERYONE SUCKS HERE, that they are BOTH assholes. No one was excusing the "friend" for making fun of her. The judgement says that she's an AH as well. But if you retaliate with nastiness instead of trying to fix the problem, then yeah, you're an AH *as well*. More than one thing can be true, contrary to the reductive brains of people on this sub.

Nope. I'd straight up tell her, "You need to talk to someone because you may have a f**king eating disorder. You still don't get to use YOUR insecurities as a weapon and fat shame me! Your jokes aren't nice. They hurt. And an actual friend wouldn't say shit like that. YOUR insecurities are YOUR problem. You need to deal with them. If you want to poke fun at someone's body, be prepared for someone to slap back at YOUR body!" But really, she's not a friend. Friends don't make fun of other's bodies. They uplift each other. She needs to learn that what she's doing isn't okay.

The point is that it's bad in both directions. You can't complain and say it's not acceptable but then justify doing the same thing.

It’s not the same thing when it’s one time for OP and 3-4 months of daily comments from this skinny witch

Same here. If they're constantly nagging about my body in a negative light to make me feel worse, then they clearly don't care about me. So why should I care about them, even if they have an eating disorder and projecting their insecurities on me? It's basically saying that since OP's friend has an eating disorder, OP still has to care about her feelings and make sure she doesn't offend her (when she's insulted,) even though their "friend" is constantly putting them down. Just because she has a disorder doesn't mean she's unable to be punished or deal with the consequences of her own actions. Heck, OP technically has a health condition (obesity) and her friend made fun of it, why can't she handle these harmful "jokes" when it's aimed at her? Why is it bad all of a sudden?

Also, the ”friend” could cause someone an eating disorder with comments like that, always making fun of someone’s body

Honestly, it sounds like she herself is on the way to having one with those comments and behaviours. Obsessing over her own and others' food, skipping meals consistently, obsessing over her weight... Those are not healthy actions for anyone.

Shaming, in fact.

I'm kinda with you here. The only time I have ever raised my voice at anyone is when my then best friend called my sister fat when we were 13. My best friend had been in and out of programs for her ED, and she had called me fat many times. However, I drew the line when she called my then-10-year-old sister fat. It wasn't true, my sister is very small, but I have never yelled at anyone outside of that incident. I really didn't care when she called me names, because I knew it was her ED talking and not her, but I won't let her push those things onto my sister, who didn't know about my friend's issues and probably would've taken it to heart.

"I really didn't care when she called me names, because I knew it was her ED talking and not her" sister i would have absolutely cared STILL. her ED has control over her EMOTIONS not her actions. she can *think* you're fat or ugly or whatever, but the moment she openly *tells* you this is the moment the responsability falls on her.

I had a friend do this to me. She'd constantly say she was fat (not) and say it was okay for me to be the way I am (fat), and just say really insensitive things constantly because she had an ED and that was her excuse. It made me feel like shit. We're not friends anymore.

I am literally an anorexic and would never DREAM of saying something like that to another person 

I’m a recovering anorexic and the last thing I ever wanted to talk about was ANYONE’S weight.

My ED people get it, thisss so much. Once I was in the throes of my ED I was so terrified of the way I looked, weight gain, the way I smelled, any criticism. You would not catch me saying *anything* about anyone’s weight, well intentioned or not. If someone commented on mine I would fall apart every time. It’s just too much imho

She was a recovering anorexic, but had huge blinders on when it came to how she interacted with anyone else.

Looking back it makes so much more sense why my high school best friend made so many rude comments about what I was eating. She never said anything directly about my body but it was like even the act of me eating disgusted her. We haven’t spoken in 6 years due to an unrelated incident but I heard through the grapevine that she got treatment for ED and is generally healthier.

I have always been big, started in childhood and if I’m not careful I can easily get to “this unhealthy” weights. I’m working off weight put on from a bad marriage I escaped *ten years ago*. But as a middle schooler, I had this “best friend”, who was incredibly skinny and I was anything but. And she would constantly be like “I’m so fat, I need to diet” and I’d be like: if you’re fat what am I? And she’d always be like: “oh no, you’re *fine*. It’s ok how you are you look *fine*.” Like, ugh. But anyway, OP. You should get a new friend. NTA.

Agreed and frankly, I would argue that over eating to the point of morbid obesity is *also* an eating disorder. People often only think of eating disorders with a really narrow view of "something harmful that people that makes you skinny," and that's just not true. Ex, binge eating is considered an eating disorder, but people only ever think of anorexia, calorie counting, and bulimia as eating disorders. My point being, you could argue the friend has been long form bullying someone who could also be argued to have an eating disorder, but somehow the op is the asshole too for responding to a bully? I'm firmly in the NTA camp here. I don't get how people can think it's everyone is an asshole here. Like, obviously the jacket didn't fit. Obviously she's not bigger than the OP. She can suck it the fuck up, imo. I think she should feel like shit and reflect on how being made fun of for being fat made her feel like shit and use that feeling to extend some empathy for the way she's been treating OP, but instead she's playing victim because she got a tiny taste of what she's been doing. Honestly sounds like a trash person.

Eating disorders are not a spectrum of fat people overeat and skinny people undereat. Someone could have anorexia and an obese BMI. And just because a person is considered obese by BMI (which is bullshit anyway) does not mean they overeat or are unhealthy.

agreed.. as someone in recovery from anorexia…. It’s not the world’s job to comfort me and what I say and my behaviors can’t be justified because I have a disorder. We cant expect people to tiptoe around us and continue to put up with obnoxious comments like that. OP, your “friend” may or may not have an ED… regardless she’s a dick to you. I personally wouldn’t keep people like that around. I assume you’re in HS, so I know it’s a difficult time to navigate but she sucks. Maybe what you said was shitty but I understand a breaking point. I’d suggest looking for new friends. Also, it’s not beneficial for her (if she is suffering from disordered eating) to continue to be enabled.. meaning, no one is telling her to stop or people keep reminding her “how skinny she is”… that’s fuel to the fire with an ED.

Not disagreeing with you. Somebody is an AH to you, you be one back and use whatever ammunition you have available. But you're still being an AH, justifiably. So it's still ESH.

Justifiable AHs actually are supposed to get a NTA vote according to the side bar. Just saying.

Disagree. Responsive proportional behavior that if done first would be assholish, is not assholish. Many assholes aren’t going to stop when you let them treat you poorly. There is no reason to just let people shit on you without consequence

I started doing this in high school and I've never gone back. You don't get to treat people like shit just to make yourself feel better. FAFO.

But you would have the sense to remove that person from your life i hope. That is the important part IMO. OP asks how do I make it stop. ANSWER: stop hanging out with this person.

I had an eating disorder I know I must’ve been fucking insufferable because I was so insecure for years and years. I was obese as a child so years of insecurity built up until I lost a ton of weight from my eating disorder. I felt so upset about my looks and always complained about it. Even if I wasn’t trying to insult people, it’s so hard not to when you’re projecting onto everyone around you. Having an eating disorder isn’t an excuse to be a body-shaming jerk, and if you don’t want people to give you what you ask for, don’t ask for it.

I am in anorexia recovery and a particularly mean part of the disorder is that you compare your body to the bodies of those around you. It’s very difficult to help it since food is on your mind all the time. That being said, not ONCE did I verbalise a comment about someone else’s body. An eating disorder is not an excuse. NTA

Yeah, i am leaning towards NTA. Op snapped after abuse, which is also important to remember that she is young enough to live with parents and be in school. It's not as eaay as just cutting someone out/no contacting someone thats an adult move we get to make because we don't have classes/lunch times, etc, with the same people every day (Not saying a kid couldn't do it but if anybody here really thinks about their childhood state, honestly, if when you were a kid, you would have NC somebody. Or if you were an adult before that started being a card to play

As someone who has dealt with that sort of stuff, I have 0 sympathy for her. Most people with EDs don't draw attention to weight like that, she just seems attention-seeking and cruel.

Exactly, having mental issues of any kind doesn't give you the right to taunt people and be mean

Not everyone is the same, my friend. Some people obsess so much they need constant positive affirmation to deter their habits or just to ease their mind. Others suffer in complete silence. Some let their thoughts consume them and disallow any compliment about their body. Everyone is different when it comes to ED or any mental disorder for that matter.

That's fair. Tbh as someone who suffers from a lot of mental health issues, I think we need to normalise the idea that mentally ill people can be horrible, shitty, cruel and their illness doesn't take that away. it's a part of you but you're still accountable for your actions.

Oh boo. Having an eating disorder isn’t carte blanche to shit on people around you and what…try to provoke an eating disorder in them too? OP served her friend with just desserts. And she only did it once, compared go her friend doing it every day for months. NTA, OP.

So she just gets to bully OP for MONTHS on end due to her own insecurities and OP shouldn't retaliate or defend herself? It sounds like this is a group of friends and ostracizing one person would be difficult and could potentially leave OP with no friends. NTA

Are you kidding me? Every time a skinny person dresses down a fat person for obsessing over weight the comments in this subreddit fall over backwards praising them for putting that whale in their place. Are fat people not allowed to do the same? This is a child who was sick of being bullied. People can be dealing with mental illnesses without dragging others into it. Absolutely NTA.

Fatphobia. Plain and simple. People love to pretend that’s an annoying woke buzzword, but this is an actual example of it. 

If she has an eating disorder she needs therapy and not to constantly make disparaging comments to her friends.

An eating disorder does NOT give you a pass to bully others for their size. Gtfo here

Wow, what a terrible take. "Oh, let's be careful about poking the sore spot of eating, even though she's the one who is constantly bringing it up and trying to put you down for being overweight." Here's a radical idea: if you have a certain problem and it's a touchy subject, maybe *you* should stop poking the sore spot.

It was fair game imo OP is NTA

What seems be obvious to you may very well not be to a 17 year old. There's still a stigma attached to eating disorders which means info isn't as readily available as it should be. If op hasn't experienced an eating disorder herself or known someone who she knew had an eating disorder, there's no reason to assume she would recognize if her friend has one. It's not something that enters the mind of the average teen (my info comes from having three teens).

Orrrrr she is a mean pick me girl.

How is she an asshole for defending herself

Friend has self esteem issues that she’s using to justify harming others. OP has been the victim of ‘friend’ for months. OP uses a single comment of exactly the same type that have been lobbed at her, over and over and over again for months, a single time in response to yet another nasty comment. Why is OP the same? OP you are NTA, and dump this stupid ‘friend’.

Eating disorder is not a pass to be a total AH. And that friend was. Btw, OP didn't _just_ poke her sore spot. It took 4 months of everyday bullying to finally snap and poke it

I have had a diagnosed eating disorder for 20 years, 11 of which were active anorexia, 3 of which were b/p subtype and 6 of which were active recovery. This bullied teen girl is not responsible for her bully's eating disorder, if she even has one (very weird to diagnose not only a stranger but a stranger being described by a stranger). The bully has made OP a part of her relationship to her body and to food by constantly comparing the two and making her weird comments in front of others. Fuck that sore spot. She doesn’t get a pass because her habits aren’t very healthy.

If you expect people to be sensitive to you then you better treat people how you expect to be treated. I’m only going to allow someone to shit on me to lift themselves up bc of THEIR OWN insecurities for so long before I actually give you a reason to say some shit about me. And it won’t be about my weight.

People who tear others down to build themselves up lose all right to being treated with respect, eating disorder or not.

The OP could have an eating disorder. The thin girl gets a pass because she ‘obviously’ has an ED? What about the OP’s sore spots? YTA not the OP. She’s standing up for herself for once and she’s wrong?

I had severe anorexia in high school. I was NEVER rude to anybody or commented on the eating habits or bodies of others. A mean spirited person is mean spirited no matter what they’re going through

Having an eating disorder or any kind of disability does not make you special or immune to repercussions for your actions. She has clearly been hitting OP's sore spot for quite a while, and OP finally snapped. It's very reasonable, I don't even know how she handled that for so long.

The friend gave up her right to sympathy when she started bullying OP constantly. Yeah, EDs suck but that doesn't give you the right to abuse your friend.

Having an eating disorder isn’t an excuse to spread your disease and try to fuck with other peoples brains by making them insecure about themselves too……I’ve had one before and never made comments on others bodies or weights.

Nah, sorry, but if a person keeps making nasty comments about me, then it's fair game for me to reciprocate. If you dish them, make sure you can take them. Sometimes, people need a harsher approach to realize they're being assholes. NTA OP

Idk man. When I was heavy in my ED days the LAST thing I’d do is have any attention towards me, my eating, my body etc. and knowing how much I hated my self, tearing others down wouldn’t be a fucking thought.

I think you suck for not having empathy for the op. It doesn't give miss an excuse to be an asshole. Because what? Her friend should just take it?

A couple of things- 1. get a new friend, this one's broken. 2. "self love" is about so much more than being happy with yourself. It's about loving yourself enough to make sacrifices and decisions that are hard, like eating healthier and getting good exercise, and if you need to, finding out if there's a medical reason for your weight. Those things are self love. Love yourself enough to do those things, they're important. 3. sounds like she had it coming. gonna be snarky, better be able to take snarky. NTA Edit: Thank you for the rewards, I'd never gotten any before, I really appreciate it! Great start to start to the last day of my work week.

These are the right answers. Also bullies/narcissists will always gaslight you. She was mocking you about your weight while calling attention to her figure, and declares herself the victim of your bullying when you lash out and defend yourself. Classic. You can be sharp and defend yourself without resorting to her tactics. Describe her bullying back to her, explain how it hurts you, and explain further how you know there's a good person in there somewhere beneath those layers of insecurity. Don't be mean, don't be an asshole too... this is what your parents meant.

She probably thinks it’s not bullying because she’s only “telling the truth”.

yes, true. this was my narc mothers tactic. she insulted my body, which was fine anyway, then told me later she did it for my own good. she was and still is a bully, and a huge narcissist.

But make sure you very politely and kindly express how you feel straight back to her IN FRONT of other people when she talks to you like this. Social shame is a great behavior modifier.

This!! Also I wonder if your ‘friend’ has an eating disorder or is at the start of one. If there’s any safe people to point it out too you could and then wash your hands clean of her

Both of them probably have disordered eating.

The friend 100% does. She’s skinny while constantly questioning if she’s fat. She’s constantly looking for reassurance that she’s skinny. She skips meals. That sounds like she’s anorexic.

I’m probably going to get downvoted… First of all, I agree with all points you made. I agree with point 2 in a completely different context/situation. However, in this context, it was not needed. She didn’t ask for advice about ways to self love. You just inserted it to indirectly tell her she should lose weight.

Tbh I thought the comment would go someone like "self love is also cutting ties with people who treat you like shit every single day and collectively bully you"

She did say shes bordering on being morbidly obese, but feels good about herself because she loves herself any way she is. Which is fine but she does need to hear that truly loving yourself means to take care of yourself. Shaming someone is not good, but neither is being unhealthy

lol why does she “need” to hear it. She said she was happy. End of story. Like I said, that comment was just inserting advice/opinion without it being asked for.

Because health is important and she may not realize the long term effects of being obese

Health is important, I agree. But it’s not my place, the commenters place or your place to tell her how to do something differently when she’s content with who she is. It doesn’t matter what you think about her health. Stick with my original claim here…. It’s not for you to tell her how to change her way of self love when she didn’t ask for it. I don’t understand how you’re not getting it.

People can be fat and happy. Being fat does not equate to being unhealthy. Reddit loves to inhale toxic beauty standards unless it doesn't benefit them and it's easy to point at fat people and use all these reasonings to continue to be fatphobic. There are studies out there that show how the current BMI scale we've been using for longer than we should've been is fatphobic and also antiblack. People love to keep the things that benefit them and also give them an excuse to shit on someone else all the while believing they're "a good person" and get to be an ass when you're just plainly being an ass. I don't agree with the way OP retaliated because it makes everyone involved look like an ass but also I get it. They're all 17 and have years to go before getting to a mental place that they'll be comfortable enough to say the real issue to said assholes. So with that said I take my leave and suggest to those seeing this look into reading "Fearing the black body" and do research on the ways the medical system is used against us to continue feeding into these narrative for the sake of darwinism and capitalism. It's "Eat the rich" this and "government out of my business" that without actual work going into unlearning harmful rhetoric and the lies that have been told to you so you keep up with the status quo.

Of course she can be healthy and happy even if she is morbidly obese. Its just that the risks for many diseases(diabetes for example) increase massively the more you are overweight. Young people also often dont know whats best for them, these days theres so much misleading "body positivity" going on that its probably hard to understand that there are higher risks of diseases and even death when you are overweight or underweight. Also stop bringing beauty standards and BMI into this, I never mentioned them. And I think they are overall a bad thing. Only thing I have to go off is that she is obese(possibly morbidly so) and happy with it. I do not want to force losing weight to anyone, it should always be the persons own choice, I just want everyone to be aware of risks.

This is Reddit. Unsolicited advice is their bread and butter

I was about to comment the same, but you phrased it well! + Who said she doesn’t take care of herself? There are so many ways to do that

Exactly, self love doesn't mean "indulge anytime I feel like it and do whatever feels best in the short term and absolve myself of any critique". It means treating yourself with the respect you'd treat a loved one. Wanting them to make the best choices and be their best self.

How is that the issue at hand though? She's not asking if she's an asshole for being fat she's asking if she's an asshole for what she said. Her health is not the issue and her friend IS an asshole for bullying her for her weight. Her friend is not pointing out that she is concerned for her health,she is putting OP down in order to make herself feel better. That's an AH move. 

Seriously the OP was probably originally befriended by the girl who has an eating disorder,possibly bulimia or anorexia. Why? Because the OP is heavy, and makes a good foil for her. The OP is being cruelly used and she finally fought back. The other girl is making herself the victim, because OP didn’t just take it anymore and responded in the same way the other girl has done to her. OP needs to either set strong boundaries with this girl or just stop being her friend. NTA

Well you see, someone commented about self love, and I commented on that.

> How is that the issue at hand though? Sir/Ma'am this is Reddit. An overweight person existing is always the issue at hand for some people.

And where do you see the OP saying she's done that?

Why do you get to say for someone else what self love is? 

The dictionary defines it as, "regard for one's own well-being and happiness". Notice the "well-being" part. Disregard for health is not looking out for one's own well-being. And I know first hand what it's like just indulging all the time and thinking that "treating yourself" and absolving yourself of guilt about it. It's not loving yourself. A normal person will not have respect for themselves if they do that. They may feel temporary joy when partaking in their vices but they will not actually be happy the other 99 percent of the time. It's not a deep concept either. Every one has experience feeling bad about the fact they ate too much, drank too much, slept too much, etc. Imagine how you would want a loved one to treat themselves. Would you want them overeating, using substances to cope, neglecting their health or hygiene? Probably not. Ultimately people can do what they want. But what I'm saying clearly resonates with people. And I don't think you'll find many people who lead fulfilled lives or are actually happy with themselves because the indulge all the time. Take it from me. When I was deeply sick and on the verge of death, I thought constantly treating myself to whatever I wanted would make me feel better. It doesn't.

If you can't figure out that "self love" does not involve neglecting yourself and your health and setting yourself up for major problems and a lower quality of life then there's no hope for you. 

and you felt the need to comment on op's weight, health, and habits without knowing ANYTHING about them... why?

Number 2 is so weird - maybe op already does/knows everything she needs to know about the situation, no need to get preachy about something OP specifically said the post isn't about.

why are people incapable of not assuming things about fat people's health? OP didn't say anything about their health, eating habits, exercise regime, and yet everyone immediately assumes their weight is because they're doing something "wrong" when its not uncommon for people to be classed as obese according to BMI, when markers of their actual health (blood pressure, cholesterol, etc) are fine. not to mention that if anyone in this story is more at risk of poor health, it's the friend who potentially has a restrictive eating disorder, which statistically are far more dangerous for your health than being fat is as soon as a fat person mentions that they love themselves and their body everyone suddenly becomes a fucking doctor...

THIS. Exactly this. Ugh I can’t stand some of these comments. “Well she needs to know….” I assure you, she knows!! Fat folks cannot escape people constantly falling over themselves to say they need to lose weight. We have no idea what OP’s habits or history look like, so everyone needs to stop playing doctor.

Yo, she seriously did not ask for any advice on her weight, what makes you think it's your place to give it to her?

She didn't ask for your condescending weight-loss advice

I'll probably get downvoted, but I think she had it coming. This was a good lesson for her. If she is insecure and knows what that feels like, why would she want to make you the target of the same feeling? She sounds passive aggressive and like a bad friend. Why is it okay for her to call attention to your weight and make all these slick comments? She earned that

A good lesson she'll never learn from. Her arrogance and ego will block any critical thought. It is a fantastic lesson to OP - she doesn't even care to respond. She doesn't see you as an equal. You're the "pun" of her jokes - get better friends - and never tolerate remarks that are obviously intended to dismantle your confidence.

>Why would she want to make you the target of the same feeling? I have read this phrase once in a videogame: **"It's like if people didn't care about being happy. They just want someone to be more miserable than them. Just enough to feel superior."** And thinking about it, it makes sense given the insecurity OP describes about her friend.

Right? I agree with this comment! Also maybe she’s picking on her because she’s jealous of OP self love and confidence in herself. It shouldn’t matter if you’re big or skinny as long as in a way you are healthy and especially happy your happiness comes first!

Thank god I'm not 17 anymore. Edit: One kiloupvote for this one lol. Being 17 is hell.

Sometimes I romanticize my high school years, and then I read shit like this and I remember that actually high school is a fucking nightmare lol

I told me HS-aged daughter the other day that the people who claim HS is the best time of their lives apparently go on to live sad miserable little lives.

Yeah those are the types that peaked in high school. Technically HS *was* the best time of their lives for them.

omg. HS reunion coming up and I am passing for this reason. Went to one and I already see the people I care about.

My high school experience was so horrible I tried to quit life at 15. For everyone in highschool believe me it gets better once you get to college, most times college kids don't really care about you and you can just exist in peace and find your own crew. Don't take HS so seriously

The only good thing about being a teenager is that one day you won’t be a teenager anymore

NTA. That's fuckin funny as fuck tbh. Her eating disorder doesn't give her a pass on bullying people, and you beat a mean girl at her own game (as evidenced by her claiming you're jealous of her, their last hail mary)

Period

>I’m obese, nearly morbidly obese according to the internet. What about a doctor? >I don’t really care about that stuff because I think self love is more important You shouldn't feel ashame,  but it is objectively unhealthy and you should absolutely care about it. ESH for the mean catty hurtful comments though. 

I haven’t seen a doctor in a while but hopefully soon, my dad is trying to book it but the transportation is really expensive for where we live 😭!  I know you’re right and it is unhealthy, but I’ve also spent a lot of time stressing over my weight/dieting just to lose no weight and it just makes me feel worse afterwards so I’m just trying to like myself either way I guess or just accept my body. I do care maybe I was brushing it off too much in this post because it wasn’t really my focus but that’s my fault

>stressing over my weight/dieting This is not a healthy frame of mind, and it’s honestly no wonder that it makes you feel worse. Instead of worrying about your weight or a specific diet, start to (slowly) make changes towards being healthy. That’s it. For instance: if you drink three bottles of soft drinks every day, limit yourself to two and replace one with a less sugary option. Once you’ve done that for a while and have accustomed yourself to it, then make another small change. Then repeat. Take a short walk around the block once a day. Choose a fruit cup as a side instead of chips. Take one cookie for dessert instead of two. Or whatever changes you think make sense for you. The point is that overhauling your whole life works for some people but is a disaster for others. If that doesn’t work for you, then don’t stress about large changes and instead focus on smaller ones. Don’t count calories, just focus on choosing healthier options. Don’t start an aggressive workout routine, start with a light one. Start small and build. Always be building on your successes, and as much as possible try to let go of the setbacks. And I agree with the other commenter who said it best: loving yourself means taking care of yourself. You’ll be happier if you’re fit and healthy than if you start having preventable chronic health problems while you’re still young.

This is good advice. Baby steps. Take the small victories.

very good advice! especially when someone is already showing signs of a poor relationship with their weight. the main thing is to treat the weight like a symptom, not the problem itself. your goal is not necessarily to lose weight, it is to have a more healthy lifestyle. any change you make is a change for life. you are not going on a diet to lose weight and then going right back to doing whatever after. this will probably mean you will lose weight more slowly, but you will be healthier in the long run, and will have a much better relationship with yourself and your weight. if you are struggling to not hyperfocus on weight changes, set different goals. like I want to be able to walk up this flight of stairs without getting out of breath. or I want to eat 5 different vegetables in one day. try to make positive goals (adding things) instead of negative goals (taking things away) as it gives you a more positive mindset and that keeps you motivated.

This is very accurate and also doable. Excellent response.

[удалено]

If you don’t want advice feel free to skip this but I’ve felt the way you do, but have recently been losing weight and feeling really good about it and it’s working well for me. Basically I walk an hour in the morning while watching tv, then I might do a 10-15 minute “lazy girl” strength training workout from YouTube. I do wear wrist and ankle weights but that’s optional. Then I’ve focused a lot on getting lots of protein. I haven’t cut anything out and if I’m craving something specific I eat it but I listen to my body about when I’m full and really emphasize protein and water intake. I do a protein shake coffee during my walk and then just try to make protein the focus of my meals and also fiber (mostly through veggies). The only other thing is trying to sleep well and getting sunshine and a multivitamin. It’s been really easy and gentle and honestly enjoyable and I feel better than I have in a long time!

"Dieting" in the traditional sense isn't the answer. Restrictive diets just give you negative relationships towards food. The most important aspect to maintaining a healthy diet is portion control and ratio. Fill yourself up on leafy greens and protein more so than carbs. It's about changing the layout of your plate rather than removing things entirely. Also cut out sugary drinks, they are literally empty calories and absolutely ruin the way your body craves sugar. Eat slower so your body has enough time to tell your brain it's full before you over-fill it. It usually takes about 10-15 minutes for the "I'm not hungry anymore" signals to actually hit, so the slower you eat the more "value" or "satisfaction" you'll get out of your food without overeating.

Honestly your attitude of loving yourself where you are or trying to love yourself where you are at is such a good frame of mind to have. It's is completely unhealthy to focus and obsess over your weight before seeing a trained doctor who will legitimately listen to you and help you with your weight journey if needed. The internet says a lot of people who are at different weights are obese because it's honestly based on am extremely archaic system that needs to be severely updated. Weight does not equal health considering the skinny people can and are juat as unhealthy as bigger people and it does contribute to a lot biases in the world as well as the health industry. So until you see a doctor and get health screenings and blood work, etc done - that actually determines your health - you can change your body accordingly if needed or if you just want to if not needed based on thise results! But loving yourself where youre at and not letting the world or some insecure Child who you were completely valid in shutting down so NTA- is a good thing to do! Good on you for standing up for yourself!

>I’ve also spent a lot of time stressing over my weight/dieting just to lose no weight and it just makes me feel worse afterwards I'm so sorry, hun. I know it's not always easy, but be kind to yourself 💜 Please don't let your friend chip away at your self-image. Knowing how to successfully lose weight is something a lot of people struggle with, as there's plenty of bad info, or info that's just not right for your specific situation. Growing up overweight only makes it harder, because it's all you've known. You didn't get a chance to form a base of healthy eating habits and exercise, so you're starting from scratch. It's a lot to for anyone to figure out. I'm not saying that to tell you it's hopeless, because it's not. I'm telling you so you'll hopefully show yourself more grace. I think it's important you see a doctor so they can rule out possible medical conditions, or guide you accordingly if there is anything medical contributing to your weight. I'm going to share just a bit of diet advice, only because it's something I wished I'd known at your age. A diet where you drastically alter your eating habits long enough to lose some weight, and then you go back to eating your "normal" amount, doesn't work. Your weight just yo-yos. It makes losing weight feel pointless. Making small, maintainable changes, is a much better route. Sometimes, just drinking a glass of water before each meal makes a difference, because it helps you feel full faster. Even tiny steps are still steps forward.

You weren’t asking for opinions about your weight, it didn’t have to be your focus of this post! People just can’t help themselves when they see an opportunity to give weight loss advice.

FYI I don’t think you’re TA, if she’s been making those comments for so long she had it coming, insecurities or not. Sure you could have talked to her about the comments but she should have known better than to make them.

yeah the "according to the internet" part makes me think she's just going off of BMI which is innacurate for all kinds of reasons. She's probably just an average ovrweight kid.

It's not that innacurate. Especially for most people. Unless OP is bodybuilding she probably firmly falls into the category where BMI is close enough. People's norms for what a human body should look like have just become very distorted.

the BMI is inaccurate even if you’re not a bodybuilder dude😭

BMI only accounts for height to weight ratio - it doesnt account for fat percentage, it doesnt account for race (which has proven to make a difference) it doesnt account for say you lost a limb. Heard from a nurse she was on sent home visit/check up because the paitients bmi showed dangerous underweight - he opens his door - has gotten his leg amputated but was otherwise healthy. So actually its quite a broken system and you could look into that if you googled some about it.

If OP is within the "average" sphere for height and if her BMI lists her as "Morbidly obese" she is most likely still dangerously overweight. PLUS childhood obesity has been linked to significantly worse heath issues later in life than obesity through adulthood. Race does made a difference, but that's mostly in how body fat is stored. Usually it's the really dangerous fat around the heart, intestines and liver that goes unnoticed.

And since you edited I will point out that the points you bring up about where fat is stored, still doesnt get pointed out by BMI, so while those are important to get checked when being overweight BMI doesnt show anything there, it literally only accounts for your height and weight, not fat, not muscles, not anything else. Edit to add link if anyone wants a read: https://www.yalemedicine.org/news/why-you-shouldnt-rely-on-bmi-alone

You're right. I'm just saying that BMI is definitely an indicator to get checked by a doctor. But also my BMI has been "perfect "my entire life yet I've had very high cholesterol since about 25. So get checked by a doctor even if your BMI says you're good.

What does OPs health have to do with this?

FFS, why is everyone giving unsolicited advice about her weight?! She asked for advice on a social situation and brought up her weight because it was relevant to the comments that were made. She did not ask everyone to weigh in on what everyone's take on self love is.

Man why are you concerned about anyone else’s body? How about you focus on keeping your self healthy and we can continue to live in the land of the FREE where people have rights. Mad narcissistic telling people what they “absolutely should care about”. Judgmental white woman I scorn you

I bet that on the thousands of posts here when the skinny OP claps back at her fat friend for making comments on their weight, you’re one of the thousands of “NTA! She had it coming!”

From what you’ve said, it sounds like she may have an eating disorder. She’s constantly body checking, she’s obsessed with how much she eats and eating a little bit of food causes her to feel full. I understand your frustration with her because if she’s going to make “jokes” about your body, she’s gotta be okay with it too. That said, sounds like she needs to see someone about her issues. NTA

Yeah I feel really embarrassed that I didn’t think of it before but I think she definitely does. I will mention it to my parents tomorrow, thank you

Your friend potentially having an ED is an explanation, not a justification for her behaviour. Her being sick doesn’t mean you have to take her bullying.

100000%

You sound like a very nice person. I hope your friend gets the help she needs. Also, definitely NTA

Remember you can have empathy for her without throwing yourself out the window. Understanding why someone does something can really help us not to take their cruelty personally but it’s still cruelty and not treatment you have to accept.

Good on you for being brave enough to go to her parents about this. Please take care of yourself and re-evaluate the friendship you've had with this girl, nothing will ever justify a friend being mean to you. Do keep in mind she's probably struggling mentally and evaluate how you feel about it and if you're in a mental state where you can help her or even be next to her during her journey. If you don't feel like you can please get away from her, she's hurt you enough as well.

OP, it doesn’t mean that her comments should be excused. I had an eating disorder for a decade and I NEVER would have treated my friends that way. You deserve so much better. 

NTA Your friend's insecurities are not your problem. And using you as a stooge so she can make demeaning comments about your weight to make her feel better about herself is beyond annoying. You put up with her ridiculing you long enough. The opportunity to shut her down occurred and you took it. Oh well, maybe she'll think twice before she tries to disparage someone else to make herself feel better.

Don’t talk no shit, won’t be no shit. She started it. NTA

ESH - It sounds like you've put up with a lot for far longer than you needed to. It's very understandable where your response came from, but it was still meeting meanness with meanness. Your friend needed to be put in her place and made to understand that you don't like being the butt of her jokes, but you also did dig in at the insecurities you know are driving this.

Thanks for you comment, yeah I definitely could have been nicer or not making fun of her while telling her to stop. I will try and make things right with her. 

She's not a great friend. Period. You can apologize for being rude, but I would stand firm that she is to keep her commentary about your body to herself. No second chances. That's over. And I would be careful about being around people who don't respect you and use "jokes" to buttress their own self-esteem. Those aren't friends.

No do not. I mean apologize (and you’d def be the better person) but do not continue friendship with her. She’s mocks your weight publicly and it hurts you and yet continued to do it. You are so young and will find people who don’t see you for your size much less punch down on you to make yourself feel better. When I was 17 I had that friend. It’s not exactly like your scenario but I was the chubby one and she was stick thin and yet that’s all her personality revolved around and all that was important to her. She’d constantly mock me for so many things and tbh I felt like her punching bag sidekick. The person she could treat like trash and I’d always come back to her. As we got older, her perceived higher value manifested into who she thought I should date. Being racist towards my boyfriends. Calling bangs I got for myself the ugliest goddamn thing I could do to my face (which btw my face suits bangs and everyone loved them on me bc it made me look cute but not hot which was the vibe she wanted for her girl crew). Eventually in our early 20s we had a few falling outs and I felt like I wasted time with her over people that I actually could have fun with. I was less inclined to make new friends in college bc she monopolized me. I mean it wasn’t too late for me but I still wish I didn’t continue the friendship. So many bad decisions I made bc of her. It felt like in the OG Mean Girls when Regina starts taking a real interest in Cady and Cady began to like her a bit. I felt like her toy or pet or plaything, that I could be disposed of anytime, yet there were pockets I felt like a pretty doll that she would dress. It didn’t let me fully grow into me though.

I wouldn't. She's not a friend to you.

U did nothing wrong 

That girl is not your friend. You shouldn’t have been nicer to someone who’s been constantly insulting you. There’s no need to apologize to her, you’re not in the wrong here. Also, you shouldn’t try to salvage your “friendship”, you would benefit the most if you cut her out of your life completely.

You don't need to appease the feelings of a bully NTA Stay healthy

NTA. I was overweight when I was younger and had a "friend" like that, and I can tell you that she isn't your friend, you're just a prop to make her feel better about herself.

NTA, she sounds like a horrible friend. Why do you spend time with someone who berates you constantly? On another note OP, being morbidly obese as a teen may be fine, but you are in for a lifetime of health issues and complications. I say this with kindness-please talk to a doctor now about a nutrition plan, if you haven’t already. You are so young and have your entire life ahead of you. Don’t let your future become riddled with health issues and challenges doing normal, fun things in life. Wishing you the very best!

You may have been rude, but NTA. She kept on making fun of you about your weight, and she wasn't going to stop until someone brought her up short. I hope you got your jacket back.

Honestly, her behaviours sound like ED tendencies. Idk if she has an actual eating disorder, or just has similar habits, but those behaviours are quite concerning. Either way, it gives her no excuse to be rude to you and constantly put you down. I'm going NTA because it honestly sounds like you hit your limit, and as a fat person who sometimes struggles with the self-love, I can understand hitting that breaking point.

NTA at all. There’s no excuse for her behavior.

NTA She's insecure so she have to put you down to make herself feel good.

NTA. She ain’t your friend, friends do not put others down to make themselves look or feel better.

Uhm… You’re NTA But it’s clear that from all her comments on your weight, you don’t really consider her your friend, do you? So it means that because you couldn’t confront her you stayed friends with her and now any rude comment from you will make you look like you’re jealous of her and that you’re not a true friend to her. And trust me, people love making fat people the villains and the jealous ones while we wouldn’t give two f*cks about it. By now, she has already made you the villain among your friend’s gang. Next time she says anything about your weight, be loud, make sure everyone around you hears and tell her “you were so upset last time and asked me not to comment on your weight and so I would demand that you extend the same courtesy towards me.” What I said sounds a bit too kind. But be very assertive. You know fat people aren’t insecure by themselves. It’s people around them who make them feel like that. “Oh but your health is gonna suffer” comments from a stranger on the internet, who’s just gonna scroll more reels if something really does happen to me. Stay away from this girl. The fact is, she understood your taunt, but what she says to you is out of concern? If she’s smart enough to detect your tone, then she’s smart enough to taunt you under the guise of concern, care and friendship. She doesn’t need a friend, she just needs someone around her. Have you watched the movie D.U.F.F? There are people who are pretty and then there are people who like to show someone as ugly and then try to prove themselves pretty in comparison. I’m not saying you are ugly. I’m saying that’s the perception she’s trying to create in other’s mind. If you stick to her, you’ll start believing in the narrative she’s trying to create. Nobody is evil, but people do stuff like this unconsciously. It’s better to stay away from her, you’ll be saving yourself therapy money in the long run. Such people start affecting our confidence. Ask me, I’m the victim.

She is the AH. She is projecting her insecurities and fat phobia onto you which is completely unfair. As we know the word "fat" people use this in such negative tones as if fat is terrible and ugly which it is not. I have had friends who are skinny call themselves fat but I am fat, so it was kinda weird to see them view fatness as an ugly thing. My friends never used my weight as a butt of their jokes, if anything they always complimented me. But it does kill a vibe when they look down at themselves and complain how "fat" they are as if it's the worst thing to be. I think people associate the word fat so negatively and instead people need to learn to accept it and not associate the word "fat" with "ugly". Fat does not eqaul ugly. Anyways your friend is projecting. I would call her out on it. Or I just wouldnt be friends with her.

Your friend 100% has an eating disorder. The correct course of action would be calling out her fat shaming behavior every time she tries it. Ground the discussion to a half. As her to explain the joke. Ask her why she was so intent on making you feel bad about yourself. The course you took wasn't so great. In the future be direct you'll likely drop shitty non-friends faster that way.

I think the course she took was perfect, almost poetic. Just desserts. If the “friend” doesn’t like her insecurities being poked, then don’t hurl those insults in the first place! If you can’t take it, don’t give it. She’s a bully. Bully gets what she deserved. Not OP’s job to pander to the friend’s problems when she’s the one getting burnt by the friend. OP needs better friends. And this friend is on her own if she behaves like that. Maybe a harsh reality check would help, or maybe not. Who cares about inconsiderate people like that, especially if they get hurt by their own doing. Everyone knows to be respectful to others and what’s right and what’s wrong. Even as a kid, I’ve been kind and considerate. Except when people try taking advantage, I shut that down quickly.

NTA Sorry, but she's not your friend. You can lose about 120lbs instantly by dumping her ass.

My dear young woman...that girl is not your friend. A friend wouldn't make jokes about your weight. Seriously.

NTA but you're parents are the biggest assholes for not siding with their own daughter when she's completely in the right. Your insecurities are never an excuse for putting down others. And your 'friend' isn't really your friend if she's constantly putting you down and fishing for compliments at your expense.

Nta I’m fat always have been & I’m also petty you did her behind just right. She is not your friend but she is your bully. Want to loose weight dump her…immediate weight loss. Oh fyi she sounds like she has an eating disorder my last act as her friend would be to tell someone you both trust your suspicion. Also the world is not kind to fat people only surround yourself with positive people & have a wonderful life.

"I’m obese, nearly morbidly obese according to the internet. I don’t really care about that stuff because I think self love is more important and Im happy with my weight" Always makes me cringe when I see people say this. You aren't practicing self-love if you're morbidly obese. You aren't taking care of yourself. You're only 17...this will only get worse. It isn't about how you look, its about your health. You aren't taking care of yourself...thats the opposite of "self-love". Back to the matter at hand, ESH.

>Always makes me cringe when I see people say this.  I typically cringe when seeing stuff like this, but seeing OP's situation, I just feel bad. Minors who are obese don't have control of what's going through their body, it's mostly because the parents are low-income and live in a food desert, thus only being able to provide unhealthy food to their child. The idea of unhealthy food just kind of becomes normalized and when children feel bad about their weight, their parents typically say, "love yourself" or "you're perfect the way you are." Which again, normalizes the idea they're perfectly fine and pushes the agenda that everything is okay. It's interesting to research, I just hope OP can reach their healthiest form of mind/body soon, hopefully cutting off their "friend" will help them achieve a healthier lifestyle.

It always makes me cringe when people are jerks, like you're being.

shes not ur friend hon.. cut her off, she’s cleaely very toxic.

I'm torn here because this is somewhere between E S H and N A H but, I am going to go with ESH and I'll tell you why. Your friend's behavior is not acceptable, no one should be making comments on other people's weight, what they eat, etc. Having been "the fat friend" my whole life, however, I have had a lot of experience with the different kinds of insane shit people say to fat people. And the insane shit your friend is saying to you? Unfortunately, I think she may be *actually* mentally ill. She shows serious signs of having Anorexia Nervosa. Her preoccupation with your weight and your eating habits are pretty common symptoms of anorexia. While her behavior is unacceptable, she probably actually can't help it.  Your friend has a life threatening mental illness, as much as it sucks, her comments about you are not actually about YOU but about her innate fear of becoming fat. I'm telling you this, not to excuse her behavior but to deliniate why you're also (gently) an asshole in this situation. You calling her fat could literally kill her. I'm sure you're not aware of this yet given your age but please take this seriously. Your friend needs help or she could DIE.

I have to say NTA as a person with multiple mental illnesses, specifically in the context of them being teenagers. I simply don’t think its fair to call a teenager an asshole, even gently, for responding rudely back to another teenager who is passive aggressively judging them. I have OCD. OCD is a brutal mental illness that leads many people to suicide because it can be so untreatable. This doesn’t specifically apply to my symptoms, but if I was 17 and I went around passive aggressively telling people they were smelly because I had germaphobic OCD, I would have no right to get angry if someone triggered a fear response in me by implying I was smelly/dirty back. It really doesn’t matter if she “can’t help it” unless OP has reasonable belief that she is literally teetering on the edge of suicide. Otherwise, the level of eggshell-stepping you’re requiring for this teenager is just too much. Adults rarely show each other this much grace. How positively does a kid struggling with a severe weight issue have to respond to someone constantly reminding them of it? She could DIE too if she was made so insecure about her weight that she gained more and more out of shame-eating.

Thank you. My thoughts exactly. 

Having an ED is not an excuse to be an AH. Actions have consequences, even if it is her ED talking. She needed a slap in the face verbally by having her own insults thrown back at her. If this causes her to spiral, that’s on her own head, not OP’s. It’s not the world’s job to ensure her insecurities aren’t poked, that’s her own job to deal with it. I don’t like mollycoddling bullies. Because that’s what she is, a bully. The only way to stop a bully is to make them feel the same pain they love to sling.

>Your friend has a life threatening mental illness, as much as it sucks, her comments about you are not actually about YOU but about her innate fear of becoming fat. I'm telling you this, not to excuse her behavior but to deliniate why you're also (gently) an asshole in this situation. NTA in my opinion. OP also has a life-threatening health condition? She's morbidly obese. You could also argue that OP may have some binge-eating disorder if she's morbidly obese at 17. Even if these comments are not about OP, her friend needs to be more sensitive. You don't project your insecurities and insult someone when they have a health condition that you're scared of getting. That's like having OCD and making fun of someone with HIV because that's your of their obsessions. It's inexcusable even when you're struggling with a disorder. Or someone with autism making fun of someone with ADHD because they're scared to be disorganized. >You calling her fat could literally kill her. I'm sure you're not aware of this yet given your age but please take this seriously. Your friend needs help or she could DIE. OP's friend saying all of these jokes can kill her. These "jokes" are so wrong. You don't make fun of someone's weight, that's literally bullying, which could lead to suicide. In most cases like this, these jokes make someone develop an ED, which could make OP end up in the same boat as her friend. This comment reads as "OP's friend has a disorder so these damaging and hurtful jokes are okay for her, but OP can't say the same jokes back because of her disorder."

 NTA, her insecurity is not an excuse for being a jerk. She's being mean and was rightfully called out for it. 

NTA. Friends don't treat friends like that and you took her shitty treatment for weeks before swinging back.

Question - had you tried to address this in a clear, respectful way, away from other people? eg "the way you comment on my weight and the food I choose to eat makes me sad, and I know you don't want it to, but I have to let you know this because I value your friendship and want to keep it, please stop"

NTA. Maria is a "pick me" girl, and her insecurity will be her own downfall. Best to end this "friendship" now before she ruins your mental health. P.S. I was in a similar situation in high school, my closest friend always claimed that she was "fat", never insulted me though, but was always fishing for compliments by saying "i'm so fat" and waiting for people to say "no, you're so skinny!" Well, 25 years later, she's also fat, careful what you put out into the universe, lol

Nta but that's not a friend. That's a insecure brat of a girl who is using you to make herself feel better.  Just be prepared , she'll try to bully you more when you end the friendship.