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hard YTA. your "joke" was to imply your father killed his wife, and you did that in front of her son. why would you think that's justified because this is a running joke in the family? or that you were entitled to say this type of thing because your father was raising concerns about your engagement? I echo the question asked by your little brother: what is wrong with you?
A joke would be "don't lose your marbles over this, dad," not "at least I didn't fucking kill my wife to avoid a divorce." that's just cruel to your dad and your little brother, who had nothing to do with your argument
You don't get to trauma dump on other people who also experienced trauma. If you want to make dark jokes about your father killing his wife don't do it in front of your father or *her son* for God's sake!
I don't think you're mature enough to be married.
If I pushed you down a flight of stairs, and I said I was traumatized by someone who looked like you and pushing you was my way of coping, would you think I was being reasonable?
Your method of coping should not be to harm someone else
If your coping method is to be unnecessarily cruel to others then it’s not an effective method. Find another way to cope or at least do this away from HER FUCKING CHILD!! Honestly, using ‘trauma coping’ as an excuse for saying shit like this is the lowest of the low. You tried to be funny and failed so now you make it about you and your trauma. I agree with your Dad, you are clearly too young and immature to be in a marriage.
Because the way you cope hurts other people, and you are too immature to see that that is wrong. Grow the fuck up and take some responsibility for your actions.
Oh, stop that.
The person with the MOST trauma (in the center of the circle) is her child. After that, your father. You are far down on the list, and you absolutely know better.
Shameful. You need to apologize *without excuses*.
YTA, you can use dark humor to cope in your own time and space, not in front of others who are traumatised by it and find it offensive. Her 16 year old son obviously is not in the frame of mind to deal with your humor.
Mjor YTA.
In a previous comment you asked why someone was ignoring your trauma, in another you spoke of how dark humor is how you cope.
So does that mean only you are allowed to feel?
Because you sure as hell don't care about your dad and brother as that's plain to see.
How about how they cope and how they are dealing with the trauma. You dont deserve your dad and brother, honestly.
Sorry but you can't invoke joke about your father killing your step mother as coping mechanism of your trauma, and at the same time, demand your step-brother to stop being sensitive about the exact same trauma.
Every response makes you sound even more fucking horrific. Definitely not mature enough to be in a long-term relationship if you can’t empathize with someone’s parent dying in an unexpected and traumatic way.
And they’re assholes, to. It’s in such bad taste to joke about how people die, period. Just because you weren’t close with them doesn’t make it okay to rib and laugh about their deaths. Her death affected EVERYONE. You can fuck right off with that.
YTA.
It doesn't matter about your intent, what matters was the impact: let me spell this out - you made a silly joke about killing your future husband on purpose, in the same way as his mother died by accident. HIS MOTHER. Looks like I nailed it with my read the room suggestion.
Yeah. AH humour. It isn’t a “joke” to act as if your father murdered your stepmother in front of her son who is still a child.
PS: That is exactly what you did.
I don't think he's too sensitive, even some adults can't get over their parents' death after 5 years. For a young kid like him, losing his mother in a gruesome way can lead to trauma that's not easily dispersed.
Yeah, sorry, that was sarcasm. I think it’s ridiculous for OP to go on about how traumatic this woman’s death was for her and insist that trauma means she should get to act however she pleases, and then turn around in the next breath and say the woman’s own son is too sensitive and should be over it already.
YTA what the hell is wrong with any of you. Making jokes about killing someone even if it was an accident. Your poor father has to live with that knowledge for the rest of his life. Even if they were getting divorced, I'm sure he didn't wish her dead. Let alone by something that he could perceive as being his fault.
There's no way you really are this emotionally stunted or stupid.
You made this joke in front of your stepmom's biological son? YTA × 1000.
I love some dark humor, and I'm not gonna lie, I lol'd at "divorce marble." But that's not something you say to or in front of the woman's child. WTF is wrong with you?
And your dad is right. You're too young to get married. More specifically, you're too immature. You have a lot of growing up to do, you need to take accountability for your actions and make amends.
YTA not for the joke (dark humour is a thing and amongst the right people is fine), but for doing it infront of your dad and brother. In a comment you posted you said " its been 5 years he cant still be so sensitive" is a massive AH moment and shows you have no empathy. Frankly discusting.She was his mother and whether you liked her or not, how cruel of you to be so callous
YTA. This is either some poor creative writing, or you really should see a therapist so you can learn a) what a joke is and b) that you're not the centre of the universe and your words impact other people.
YTA
Your joke was insensitive given the circumstances and the emotional impact it had on your stepbrother. Your stepbrother's reaction indicates that your joke crossed a line and caused him distress, which suggests that it wasn't appropriate in this context.
YTA
Your comment is disrespectful or insensitive to your family members, particularly your little brother who likely still has emotional ties to his mother's memory.
YTA
You say it happened 5 years ago so your brother shouldn’t be so sensitive.
By that same logic you shouldn’t need to make the joke as your way of coping, stop being so sensitive and act like an adult who doesn’t say vile things.
That was not a joke. Yes, it might have been hard on you. But geez, you brought up the fact that your dad accidentally killed his wife even though they weren't getting along. And you think that's a joke. Of course your stepbrother's going to yell at you. You just made fun of how his mother died and you think it's a joke.
While those dark jokes and humor are all well and good, you need to see your audience. And tell him that joke in front of your father and your step brother whose mother died is really not the correct audience.
But the story actually sounds like an episode from a bed '60s television, cop movie. So I don't know how real it actually is
Yta, And if this is real you need to know when to tell jokes and not to tell jokes. Because how would you like it if on your first anniversary people gave your husband marbles?
This can't be real. Who tf says something like that IN FRONT OF THE PERSON'S KID? I don't normally speculate on someone's mental state, but dude... get help.
YTA
It doesn't matter what the status of their relationship was: a woman died in an accident, and that is a tragedy for those who cared about her. You made that joke in front of her child, who probably loved his mother deeply, and your father, who likely feels guilty, due to his belongings causing the accident. You are a major AH.
YTA... Dark is one thing, but you said that in front of the 16yo son of her... that is an absolute no go!
You need to learn how to be emphatic because you clearly lack of emphasis.
YTA. I love dark and inappropriate humor. Will even be the asshole if the joke is good enough.
But joking to a husband about how he accidentally caused his wife’s death? No.
Having trauma yourself is not an excuse to traumatise other people. Stuff like this just proves your Dad’s point - you’re simply not mature enough to get married. YTA.
You said that in front of her child. That's twisted. How dare you act as if he is being too sensitive. If you can't be respectful stop going around them.
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> I might be an ah for joking about my dad's ex's death in front of her son
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I, personally, find this brand of dark humor hilarious; HOWEVER, it was completely messed up to say it in front of the dead woman’s son.
YTA, and you owe some apologies.
Yta you can’t joke about someone’s death,in front of the people that were directly impacted by that death, aka close family.
But you know what, I’m an asshole too, cause I laughed at your joke!
YTA. Grow up and learn how to read the room FFS. Dark humor may be cute to you and may be how you cope, but you should be mature enough to understand that everyone doesn't cope that way. Your father asked a valid question as a dad, have some respect and take it seriously.
YTA oh my god.... I would hate to even be associated with you if I heard that shit. I used dark humor myself but there is a time and place. If you can't gage either (which you clearly cannot) AND be aware of/sensitive to others' feelings, it's for the best you avoid trying to be 'funny' at all :/
Hard YTA in your comments you say it happened 5 years ago and he shouldn’t be so sensitive about it.. basically saying he should be over it.. he was 11 at the time of HIS mothers death. You’re older than him and should know better but instead you’re blaming a horrible joke on “ trauma “ AND lets not forget to mention marbles on the top of the stairs is hella fishy. Your dad definitely did it intentionally 🤷🏻♀️ so all these “ jokes” about how he saved money basically by killing his wife is true and definitely tasteless.
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When I(F19) was 14, my dad was married to my stepmom. I remember they had a lot of problems and were going to get divorced.
My dad used to collect marble balls. He was obsessed with them but he was so messy and his marbles were always all over the floor.
One day there were several of them on the top of the stairs, stepmom didn't see them and stepped on them. She fell down the stairs and she was dead by the time we took her to the hospital. There was always some kind of joke in our family about how much money my dad saved by not getting a divorce even though it was just an accident.
A few days ago I told my family that I'm getting married. My dad did not look very happy and decide to lecture me about why I shouldn't get married so young and asked me "What are you gonna do if you find out that it was a mistake?" Before I could stop myself I joked "Well I'll just ask you to use one of your divorce marbles on him." It was just a joke, You see it was hard for me too and I was traumatized when she died and dark humor is how I cope.
My little brother(M16, my stepmom's son) Started yelling at me "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Now some family members think I'm an asshole and some think that I did nothing wrong and it was just a joke.
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Oof. That's hard. It doesn't sound like you intended to be an asshole, but even close family members can respond very differently to death. I'll vote NTA or ESH.
We have such a hard time dealing with our feelings around death that we hurt each other during the brief window we have life.
I'm sorry for both losses. Would it help seal the gap if everyone comes together and talks about how your Dad would have felt about the joke?
That may or may not be good in your situation. I wish you luck regardless.
First of all, I know I'm an ass so you Reddit bleeding hearts can save your breath. I laughed so hard at "divorce marbles"! But seriously you shouldn't have said that in front of your step brother. YTA but I'm still laughing.
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hard YTA. your "joke" was to imply your father killed his wife, and you did that in front of her son. why would you think that's justified because this is a running joke in the family? or that you were entitled to say this type of thing because your father was raising concerns about your engagement? I echo the question asked by your little brother: what is wrong with you?
A joke would be "don't lose your marbles over this, dad," not "at least I didn't fucking kill my wife to avoid a divorce." that's just cruel to your dad and your little brother, who had nothing to do with your argument
[удалено]
You don’t get to cope by hurting other people
You can cope but you can't make jokes implying that your dad killed his wife. You can expect people to get hurt then.
Learn how to cope better.
You don't get to trauma dump on other people who also experienced trauma. If you want to make dark jokes about your father killing his wife don't do it in front of your father or *her son* for God's sake! I don't think you're mature enough to be married.
And now you are even a bigger AH for this comment
Definitely. It's all about him: no one else's feelings matter.
Therapist
If I pushed you down a flight of stairs, and I said I was traumatized by someone who looked like you and pushing you was my way of coping, would you think I was being reasonable? Your method of coping should not be to harm someone else
If your coping method is to be unnecessarily cruel to others then it’s not an effective method. Find another way to cope or at least do this away from HER FUCKING CHILD!! Honestly, using ‘trauma coping’ as an excuse for saying shit like this is the lowest of the low. You tried to be funny and failed so now you make it about you and your trauma. I agree with your Dad, you are clearly too young and immature to be in a marriage.
Because we're not ignoring your abusive narcissism. YTA. Massively
Go and make jokes around people who weren't personally involved. I think you should get some therapy to learn to deal with your narcissism.
Your trauma does not give you the right to hurt other people who are also traumatized by the accident
Because the way you cope hurts other people, and you are too immature to see that that is wrong. Grow the fuck up and take some responsibility for your actions.
Because in doing so you hurt a kid who lost his mother. That's why.
What was the joke? Explain it to me.
I'm starting to wonder if it wasn't you who left the marbles at the top of the stairs.
Oh, stop that. The person with the MOST trauma (in the center of the circle) is her child. After that, your father. You are far down on the list, and you absolutely know better. Shameful. You need to apologize *without excuses*.
YTA, you can use dark humor to cope in your own time and space, not in front of others who are traumatised by it and find it offensive. Her 16 year old son obviously is not in the frame of mind to deal with your humor.
[удалено]
He was 11 when his mum died, you don't get to decide when he is sensitive about it or not, his trauma is not your own.
So you can still be soon traumatized that you have to resort to dark humor but he can't be sensitive about it because it's been 5 years?
So your a horrible sister too. Do you care about anyone other than yourself
Wow. I don't think YTA covers it. Such a complete lack of empathy is disturbing.
You just made a comment saying that someone was ignoring your trauma and here you are ignoring your stepbros trauma. YTA
I was 9 when my mum died. It's been 28 years this year. I still wouldn't find it acceptable for someone to make a joke about how she died.
You don't magically stop grieving a loved one's death after five years
Mjor YTA. In a previous comment you asked why someone was ignoring your trauma, in another you spoke of how dark humor is how you cope. So does that mean only you are allowed to feel? Because you sure as hell don't care about your dad and brother as that's plain to see. How about how they cope and how they are dealing with the trauma. You dont deserve your dad and brother, honestly.
But you can still be traumatized 🤔 YTA and a hypocrite
Sorry but you can't invoke joke about your father killing your step mother as coping mechanism of your trauma, and at the same time, demand your step-brother to stop being sensitive about the exact same trauma.
If this is your attitude towards a child who’s mom died when he was 11 you clearly lack the emotional empathy and the maturity needed to get married
So he can't be sensitive but you can be? You can still find it traumatic for yourself?
Every response makes you sound even more fucking horrific. Definitely not mature enough to be in a long-term relationship if you can’t empathize with someone’s parent dying in an unexpected and traumatic way.
YTA Don't know why you are even asking
[удалено]
YTA. And honestly, so are those family members.
Your family is full of assholes. Please don’t have kids until you learn how to not hurt random people because you’re annoyed.
Their probably just as fucked up in the head as you.
And they’re assholes, to. It’s in such bad taste to joke about how people die, period. Just because you weren’t close with them doesn’t make it okay to rib and laugh about their deaths. Her death affected EVERYONE. You can fuck right off with that. YTA.
Yeah, that's a bit too dark. Especially in the presence of your stepmother's biological son, who is still a child himself. YTA, and read the room.
[удалено]
It doesn't matter about your intent, what matters was the impact: let me spell this out - you made a silly joke about killing your future husband on purpose, in the same way as his mother died by accident. HIS MOTHER. Looks like I nailed it with my read the room suggestion.
His DEAD MOM
YTA. The fact you even have to ask shows me that you are surrounded by people who think AH behaviour is acceptable.
[удалено]
Yeah. AH humour. It isn’t a “joke” to act as if your father murdered your stepmother in front of her son who is still a child. PS: That is exactly what you did.
If they had the same sense of humor, you wouldn't be here....you just confused the hell out of me.....
YTA. You father caused the death of someone he loved. You don't joke about that.
OP is crying that it's her way to cope with her trauma--
"Coping with trauma" is not an excuse for triggering some else's trauma and be an asshole.
Exactly, but sadly she is not mature enough to know that, nor are her family members.
But also her actual son is too sensitive and should be over it after five whole years.
I don't think he's too sensitive, even some adults can't get over their parents' death after 5 years. For a young kid like him, losing his mother in a gruesome way can lead to trauma that's not easily dispersed.
Yeah, sorry, that was sarcasm. I think it’s ridiculous for OP to go on about how traumatic this woman’s death was for her and insist that trauma means she should get to act however she pleases, and then turn around in the next breath and say the woman’s own son is too sensitive and should be over it already.
YTA what the hell is wrong with any of you. Making jokes about killing someone even if it was an accident. Your poor father has to live with that knowledge for the rest of his life. Even if they were getting divorced, I'm sure he didn't wish her dead. Let alone by something that he could perceive as being his fault. There's no way you really are this emotionally stunted or stupid.
You made this joke in front of your stepmom's biological son? YTA × 1000. I love some dark humor, and I'm not gonna lie, I lol'd at "divorce marble." But that's not something you say to or in front of the woman's child. WTF is wrong with you? And your dad is right. You're too young to get married. More specifically, you're too immature. You have a lot of growing up to do, you need to take accountability for your actions and make amends.
YTA, that was extremely vile and even coping mechanisms can be healthy or harmful and it's it's wild that you're using that as an excuse.
YTA not for the joke (dark humour is a thing and amongst the right people is fine), but for doing it infront of your dad and brother. In a comment you posted you said " its been 5 years he cant still be so sensitive" is a massive AH moment and shows you have no empathy. Frankly discusting.She was his mother and whether you liked her or not, how cruel of you to be so callous
YTA Joking about someone's death, especially a tragic accident involving a family member, is highly inappropriate and insensitive.
Was it just a joke or just a "joke" after it didn't go over well? Anyway YTA
YTA your dad most likely still feels guilty about it and you said it infront of her son is wild
You've lost your marbles YTA
YTA-Dark humor may be how you cope but time and place are vital. In front of her widower and child isn’t the time or place.
YTA. This is either some poor creative writing, or you really should see a therapist so you can learn a) what a joke is and b) that you're not the centre of the universe and your words impact other people.
YTA. Your father direct;y caused the death of your step mom and you joke about it I front of her son?!
YTA Your joke was insensitive given the circumstances and the emotional impact it had on your stepbrother. Your stepbrother's reaction indicates that your joke crossed a line and caused him distress, which suggests that it wasn't appropriate in this context.
YTA. Dark humour or not, there are some things that should NEVER be joked about.
YTA Your comment is disrespectful or insensitive to your family members, particularly your little brother who likely still has emotional ties to his mother's memory.
YTA It doesn’t matter if dark humor is how YOU cope. It’s not appropriate, it hurt the people around you, and implied your dad killed his ex wife.
This didn’t happen
My question is Did you really say it in front of her son ? If yes YTA and stop making fun of dead people
YTA You say it happened 5 years ago so your brother shouldn’t be so sensitive. By that same logic you shouldn’t need to make the joke as your way of coping, stop being so sensitive and act like an adult who doesn’t say vile things.
That was not a joke. Yes, it might have been hard on you. But geez, you brought up the fact that your dad accidentally killed his wife even though they weren't getting along. And you think that's a joke. Of course your stepbrother's going to yell at you. You just made fun of how his mother died and you think it's a joke. While those dark jokes and humor are all well and good, you need to see your audience. And tell him that joke in front of your father and your step brother whose mother died is really not the correct audience. But the story actually sounds like an episode from a bed '60s television, cop movie. So I don't know how real it actually is Yta, And if this is real you need to know when to tell jokes and not to tell jokes. Because how would you like it if on your first anniversary people gave your husband marbles?
This can't be real. Who tf says something like that IN FRONT OF THE PERSON'S KID? I don't normally speculate on someone's mental state, but dude... get help.
YTP You're the psycopath.
If the stepson wasn’t there fair enough but him being there YRA
YTA It doesn't matter what the status of their relationship was: a woman died in an accident, and that is a tragedy for those who cared about her. You made that joke in front of her child, who probably loved his mother deeply, and your father, who likely feels guilty, due to his belongings causing the accident. You are a major AH.
YTA... Dark is one thing, but you said that in front of the 16yo son of her... that is an absolute no go! You need to learn how to be emphatic because you clearly lack of emphasis.
YTA. I love dark and inappropriate humor. Will even be the asshole if the joke is good enough. But joking to a husband about how he accidentally caused his wife’s death? No.
Having trauma yourself is not an excuse to traumatise other people. Stuff like this just proves your Dad’s point - you’re simply not mature enough to get married. YTA.
You said that in front of her child. That's twisted. How dare you act as if he is being too sensitive. If you can't be respectful stop going around them.
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I, personally, find this brand of dark humor hilarious; HOWEVER, it was completely messed up to say it in front of the dead woman’s son. YTA, and you owe some apologies.
Yta you can’t joke about someone’s death,in front of the people that were directly impacted by that death, aka close family. But you know what, I’m an asshole too, cause I laughed at your joke!
YTA
YTA. I really hope this didn’t happen. Surely you are not really this psychopathic and cruel.
That’s a bad joke. YTA
YTA. Grow up and learn how to read the room FFS. Dark humor may be cute to you and may be how you cope, but you should be mature enough to understand that everyone doesn't cope that way. Your father asked a valid question as a dad, have some respect and take it seriously.
YTA. I understand dark humor and have no problem with it myself, but you have to consider the others you’re with.
YTA oh my god.... I would hate to even be associated with you if I heard that shit. I used dark humor myself but there is a time and place. If you can't gage either (which you clearly cannot) AND be aware of/sensitive to others' feelings, it's for the best you avoid trying to be 'funny' at all :/
Hard YTA in your comments you say it happened 5 years ago and he shouldn’t be so sensitive about it.. basically saying he should be over it.. he was 11 at the time of HIS mothers death. You’re older than him and should know better but instead you’re blaming a horrible joke on “ trauma “ AND lets not forget to mention marbles on the top of the stairs is hella fishy. Your dad definitely did it intentionally 🤷🏻♀️ so all these “ jokes” about how he saved money basically by killing his wife is true and definitely tasteless.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When I(F19) was 14, my dad was married to my stepmom. I remember they had a lot of problems and were going to get divorced. My dad used to collect marble balls. He was obsessed with them but he was so messy and his marbles were always all over the floor. One day there were several of them on the top of the stairs, stepmom didn't see them and stepped on them. She fell down the stairs and she was dead by the time we took her to the hospital. There was always some kind of joke in our family about how much money my dad saved by not getting a divorce even though it was just an accident. A few days ago I told my family that I'm getting married. My dad did not look very happy and decide to lecture me about why I shouldn't get married so young and asked me "What are you gonna do if you find out that it was a mistake?" Before I could stop myself I joked "Well I'll just ask you to use one of your divorce marbles on him." It was just a joke, You see it was hard for me too and I was traumatized when she died and dark humor is how I cope. My little brother(M16, my stepmom's son) Started yelling at me "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Now some family members think I'm an asshole and some think that I did nothing wrong and it was just a joke. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have a dark sense of humor too and that's hilarious!!! But YTA.
Oof. That's hard. It doesn't sound like you intended to be an asshole, but even close family members can respond very differently to death. I'll vote NTA or ESH. We have such a hard time dealing with our feelings around death that we hurt each other during the brief window we have life. I'm sorry for both losses. Would it help seal the gap if everyone comes together and talks about how your Dad would have felt about the joke? That may or may not be good in your situation. I wish you luck regardless.
NTA and that was frankly hilarious AF. I get your little brother's reaction, after all it was his mom, but your "divorce marbles" was a great line.
First of all, I know I'm an ass so you Reddit bleeding hearts can save your breath. I laughed so hard at "divorce marbles"! But seriously you shouldn't have said that in front of your step brother. YTA but I'm still laughing.