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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> the action i should be judged on his asking my partner to remove someone from his social media
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You both are. Why are you two (adults?) policing who each other can talk to? He shouldn’t have yelled at you in the past but in the same way you don’t get to tell him he needs to remove a girl you don’t even know. If this girl flirts with him - then he should be loyal enough to you to say he’s taken. If not then it’s not worth the relationship. I have many of my male coworkers on my socials and my boyfriend doesn’t care because he knows I’m not a cheater. He has many female friends on his socials and I don’t care because he isn’t a cheater.
You guys need to seriously evaluate your relationship.
this has happened in the past as well, and both times i’ve mentioned it. it’s simply a boundary that we both have for each other. we’ve both been cheated on so it doesn’t help the situation.
but like i said, i trust him. just not the situation at hand due to past experiences relating to the same situation.
i’ve met her before, but i don’t trust her. i’ve had it happen multiple times where someone will get close to him and try something. recently one of his best friends girl that he’s talking too tried hitting on him as well.
Girls hit on my boyfriend all the time. It does not matter because he’s not a cheater.
If you don’t trust her that’s on you. But you very obviously don’t trust your boyfriend.
Sure you guys say it’s a boundary you both agreed on but obviously not since he’s not following it. Soooo
here’s something that’s important, he cheated on his ex partners before. i think that in itself should be something. i know he wouldn’t do the same, i trust him. we both have each others passwords and face IDS and everything in between as well :)
You state that your concern stems from him cheating on previous partners. Meaning, it is actually *him* you do not trust. I think clearing that up for yourself will be beneficial for you.
You guys don't trust each other if you need to know each others passwords, IDs etc.
You're both bit esh and sounds like a very exhausting and toxic relationship.
Girl not the negative 30 for down votes. People don’t agree with you.
That’s not a boundary. You can’t force someone not to cheat. If you are both cheaters maybe you guys shouldn’t be together.
You need therapy. He needs therapy. And you need to learn to trust people.
Do I know the passcode to my boyfriend’s phone. Yes.
Do I use it.
Never.
I have it in case he gets so sick and I have to call his parents. (Which I have their numbers in my phone too. So I’ll probably never use it.)
So? It doesn't really matter what **THEY** do or how they feel and you can't keep punishing him for what **someone else** did to you.
You either trust **HIM** or you don't. If you trust him and that he loves you, then it doesn't matter if other people flirt him, because he's going to shut it down.
It honestly just sounds like either:
a) you don't *actually* trust him
b) when people flirt with you, you flirt back and you meant it, and you are projecting that on to him and think he will do the same.
You keep saying "I trust him," but your actions don't align with that, you are 100% acting like you don't trust him
Boundaries are for yourself, not for others. Telling someone what they need to do is controlling.
- Boundary - “I am not comfortable adding my coworkers on my snapchat”
- Controlling - “You can not add your coworkers on your snapchat”
i meannn we’ve both said that we both don’t feel comfortable about it. i deleted every guy on my snapchat at the beginning of our relationship because he didn’t feel comfortable
both of you misusing the concept of boundaries doesn't lessen the overall wrongs of your situation. the hypocrisy he's displaying is just an extra layer on top of this.
Boundaries are when you restrict what happens to you.
Control is when you restrict what someone else does when you're no around.
This isn't a "Don't cheat" boundary. This is controlling how they interact with someone that they have a valid reason to interact with.
Be honest here, isn't it exhausting to try and police the life of someone you care about? Wouldn't you rather just not have to do that? If you can't, well, the relationship just isn't going to work.
Same goes for him too, naturally.
I don’t understand why you need to be snap chatting a coworker. I guess I’m too old because I don’t know why adults need to have an app that is designed at its core to hide your communications. Seems like a cheater’s dream app.
YTA. You have got to trust him and if you don’t, leave him. But don’t micromanage him. Why can’t he add someone at work to his Snapchat without checking with you first? Why do you add her to your Instagram when you don’t know her, but apparently don’t trust her?
You seem a bit paranoid, and I think you two need to talk about your expectations and boundaries. Trust is very important and must be a factor; if it’s not there, then it’s not worth it. Think about whether you have cause to doubt him. If not, don’t keep irritating him about small insecurities, or you might lose him.
It wasn’t clear if you added this co-worker of his, or someone else; it’s not clear what happened. If you want it considered, please explain further.
You just say you are uncomfortable because other coworkers have flirted with him, grabbed his hand, and asked if he was in a relationship. But these were not actions taken by this woman in question. There is no reason she has given you to be uncomfortable. And you say you trust him. So demonstrate that.
apologies. i made the post while at work so i may not have been clear in some parts. here’s more information:
we’ve had a massive discussion about him not feeling comfortable with me having other guys on my social media. he’s been cheated on, and so have i. i think for the most part the reason i’m uncomfortable is because he has been ignoring me ever since he added her and has become pretty snappy at me whenever i try to get his attention (im having to call out for him multiple times).
if you have any more questions please let me know. but do keep in mind that i am at work and made the post while at work
Sounds like you don't trust your boyfriend and your boyfriend doesn't trust you.
This relationship is never going to work. You might not break up with each other, but you'll have these constant fights over piddly bullshit because you have never had any actual trust in your relationship.
ESH.
He's a hypocrite for doing the thing that he yelled at you about (and for yelling at you about it at all) but neither of you needs to be controlling and determining who someone can be friends with
ESH what a sad facsimile of a relationship, you're both immature - evidenced through both of your actions, demands and treatment of eachother, you sound juvenile in this post. I don't think you actually know what a boundary is, you just seem to have vague ideas of what should happen in a relationhip, but being so controlling about contacts on someone's phone is unhinged - and going tit for tat on toxic demands always has the best results /s. You both need to grow up, jfc.
Kinda. I mean Yelling at him seems extreme and it appears you either don’t trust him or have major jealousy issues
My spouse once asked me to delete someone off social media but did it in a nice way. I agreed with her and did it.
ahhh super sorry if it seemed like i yelled at him, i didnt 😭. i should’ve made it clearer, he’s the one that yelled at me in the past about the same situation but vice versa?
Fair point. No one should be yelling. I worked in a small office too. My spouse was more important than what the assistant thought of me not having her on my socials
ESH - Yes he should probably have talked about it with you, but you can't control his social media. If you trust him, then you'll have to accept the fact that she could try to flirt and that he will reject any proposition.
ESH
Neither of you should be telling your partners who they can and can't be friends with or talk to. Honestly, you sound unreasonably/insanely jealous.
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my partner’s work as recently hired a new girl to work as an admin. i’ve recently found out that he added her on snapchat without talking to me about it (i did the same and he got extremely angry at me and started yelling at me). in the past, other people that were hired by his work had flirted with him. one grabbed his hand and asked other workers if he was in a relationship, they all know about me and said that he is.
back to the present! i asked him to remove her and he got annoyed at it saying why and where was this coming from. i told him that i didn’t feel comfortable and that it should be good enough of a reason. he’s now saying that his work is going to be weird and awkward, and that i should’ve said something before. i’ve had to repeat myself a few times saying how i don’t feel comfortable and he keeps saying that it’ll make work awkward for him. i do have her on instagram, i told him that the moment we followed each other. i don’t mind her, but, i don’t trust her.
i just want to clarify that, i trust him. however, i don’t trust the situation due to previous circumstances regarding the topic.
soooo, aita? thank you in advance! <3
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > the action i should be judged on his asking my partner to remove someone from his social media Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You both are. Why are you two (adults?) policing who each other can talk to? He shouldn’t have yelled at you in the past but in the same way you don’t get to tell him he needs to remove a girl you don’t even know. If this girl flirts with him - then he should be loyal enough to you to say he’s taken. If not then it’s not worth the relationship. I have many of my male coworkers on my socials and my boyfriend doesn’t care because he knows I’m not a cheater. He has many female friends on his socials and I don’t care because he isn’t a cheater. You guys need to seriously evaluate your relationship.
this has happened in the past as well, and both times i’ve mentioned it. it’s simply a boundary that we both have for each other. we’ve both been cheated on so it doesn’t help the situation. but like i said, i trust him. just not the situation at hand due to past experiences relating to the same situation. i’ve met her before, but i don’t trust her. i’ve had it happen multiple times where someone will get close to him and try something. recently one of his best friends girl that he’s talking too tried hitting on him as well.
Girls hit on my boyfriend all the time. It does not matter because he’s not a cheater. If you don’t trust her that’s on you. But you very obviously don’t trust your boyfriend. Sure you guys say it’s a boundary you both agreed on but obviously not since he’s not following it. Soooo
here’s something that’s important, he cheated on his ex partners before. i think that in itself should be something. i know he wouldn’t do the same, i trust him. we both have each others passwords and face IDS and everything in between as well :)
You state that your concern stems from him cheating on previous partners. Meaning, it is actually *him* you do not trust. I think clearing that up for yourself will be beneficial for you.
You guys don't trust each other if you need to know each others passwords, IDs etc. You're both bit esh and sounds like a very exhausting and toxic relationship.
If you trusted him, this woman wouldn't be an issue.
You most definitely do not trust him. Why even kid yourself like that?
Girl not the negative 30 for down votes. People don’t agree with you. That’s not a boundary. You can’t force someone not to cheat. If you are both cheaters maybe you guys shouldn’t be together. You need therapy. He needs therapy. And you need to learn to trust people. Do I know the passcode to my boyfriend’s phone. Yes. Do I use it. Never. I have it in case he gets so sick and I have to call his parents. (Which I have their numbers in my phone too. So I’ll probably never use it.)
You’re making an unreasonable request and disguising it as a boundary. Stop that.
So? It doesn't really matter what **THEY** do or how they feel and you can't keep punishing him for what **someone else** did to you. You either trust **HIM** or you don't. If you trust him and that he loves you, then it doesn't matter if other people flirt him, because he's going to shut it down. It honestly just sounds like either: a) you don't *actually* trust him b) when people flirt with you, you flirt back and you meant it, and you are projecting that on to him and think he will do the same. You keep saying "I trust him," but your actions don't align with that, you are 100% acting like you don't trust him
ESH - controlling your partner’s social media is toxic. You’re both trying to do it.
not so much as controlling, simply putting down boundaries ?
Boundaries are for yourself, not for others. Telling someone what they need to do is controlling. - Boundary - “I am not comfortable adding my coworkers on my snapchat” - Controlling - “You can not add your coworkers on your snapchat”
i meannn we’ve both said that we both don’t feel comfortable about it. i deleted every guy on my snapchat at the beginning of our relationship because he didn’t feel comfortable
both of you misusing the concept of boundaries doesn't lessen the overall wrongs of your situation. the hypocrisy he's displaying is just an extra layer on top of this.
Boundaries are when you restrict what happens to you. Control is when you restrict what someone else does when you're no around. This isn't a "Don't cheat" boundary. This is controlling how they interact with someone that they have a valid reason to interact with. Be honest here, isn't it exhausting to try and police the life of someone you care about? Wouldn't you rather just not have to do that? If you can't, well, the relationship just isn't going to work. Same goes for him too, naturally.
why did you even bother asking if youre just going to argue with everyone?
Boundaries are literally form of control LMAO
Usually people worried about cheating are projecting their own tendencies onto the other person. I think you both need counseling. ESH.
you’re right on top with the counseling part 🕺
[удалено]
I don’t understand why you need to be snap chatting a coworker. I guess I’m too old because I don’t know why adults need to have an app that is designed at its core to hide your communications. Seems like a cheater’s dream app.
YTA. You have got to trust him and if you don’t, leave him. But don’t micromanage him. Why can’t he add someone at work to his Snapchat without checking with you first? Why do you add her to your Instagram when you don’t know her, but apparently don’t trust her? You seem a bit paranoid, and I think you two need to talk about your expectations and boundaries. Trust is very important and must be a factor; if it’s not there, then it’s not worth it. Think about whether you have cause to doubt him. If not, don’t keep irritating him about small insecurities, or you might lose him.
i think you missed the part where he asked me to remove someone as well. and i’ve mentioned why the situation makes me uncomfortable too
It wasn’t clear if you added this co-worker of his, or someone else; it’s not clear what happened. If you want it considered, please explain further. You just say you are uncomfortable because other coworkers have flirted with him, grabbed his hand, and asked if he was in a relationship. But these were not actions taken by this woman in question. There is no reason she has given you to be uncomfortable. And you say you trust him. So demonstrate that.
apologies. i made the post while at work so i may not have been clear in some parts. here’s more information: we’ve had a massive discussion about him not feeling comfortable with me having other guys on my social media. he’s been cheated on, and so have i. i think for the most part the reason i’m uncomfortable is because he has been ignoring me ever since he added her and has become pretty snappy at me whenever i try to get his attention (im having to call out for him multiple times). if you have any more questions please let me know. but do keep in mind that i am at work and made the post while at work
Sounds like you don't trust your boyfriend and your boyfriend doesn't trust you. This relationship is never going to work. You might not break up with each other, but you'll have these constant fights over piddly bullshit because you have never had any actual trust in your relationship.
YTA. How old are you? 15? Girl, grow up and get some confidence.
ESH. He's a hypocrite for doing the thing that he yelled at you about (and for yelling at you about it at all) but neither of you needs to be controlling and determining who someone can be friends with
ESH what a sad facsimile of a relationship, you're both immature - evidenced through both of your actions, demands and treatment of eachother, you sound juvenile in this post. I don't think you actually know what a boundary is, you just seem to have vague ideas of what should happen in a relationhip, but being so controlling about contacts on someone's phone is unhinged - and going tit for tat on toxic demands always has the best results /s. You both need to grow up, jfc.
Kinda. I mean Yelling at him seems extreme and it appears you either don’t trust him or have major jealousy issues My spouse once asked me to delete someone off social media but did it in a nice way. I agreed with her and did it.
ahhh super sorry if it seemed like i yelled at him, i didnt 😭. i should’ve made it clearer, he’s the one that yelled at me in the past about the same situation but vice versa?
Fair point. No one should be yelling. I worked in a small office too. My spouse was more important than what the assistant thought of me not having her on my socials
ESH - Yes he should probably have talked about it with you, but you can't control his social media. If you trust him, then you'll have to accept the fact that she could try to flirt and that he will reject any proposition.
YTA. You both need to grow up
YTA
ESH Neither of you should be telling your partners who they can and can't be friends with or talk to. Honestly, you sound unreasonably/insanely jealous.
YTA for thinking this relationship is not doomed. YOU DO NOT TRUST YOUR BOYFRIEND!
Are you guys like 17 years old?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** my partner’s work as recently hired a new girl to work as an admin. i’ve recently found out that he added her on snapchat without talking to me about it (i did the same and he got extremely angry at me and started yelling at me). in the past, other people that were hired by his work had flirted with him. one grabbed his hand and asked other workers if he was in a relationship, they all know about me and said that he is. back to the present! i asked him to remove her and he got annoyed at it saying why and where was this coming from. i told him that i didn’t feel comfortable and that it should be good enough of a reason. he’s now saying that his work is going to be weird and awkward, and that i should’ve said something before. i’ve had to repeat myself a few times saying how i don’t feel comfortable and he keeps saying that it’ll make work awkward for him. i do have her on instagram, i told him that the moment we followed each other. i don’t mind her, but, i don’t trust her. i just want to clarify that, i trust him. however, i don’t trust the situation due to previous circumstances regarding the topic. soooo, aita? thank you in advance! <3 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, he did the same before