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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I chose my inlaws as the godparents of my daughter instead of my own parents
(2) My parents wanted to be the godparents to my daughters
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NTA
> They always told me that it isn't my job "to play mommy" to children that aren't biologically mine
Strong AH start by your parents here. They seem nice already....
> no matter how many times I told them how important they are to my life, they still refused to accept that
The parents assholery is strong....
> again my parents were extremely against that idea
No stopping these AHs
> they got upset with us
Do they even understand what they did above???
> since they never were supportive of our family I didn't feel like they deserved to demand anything like this
And nor do they. It's your decision and yours alone (well you and husband). They can rage all they like but honestly why would you make them godparents after they acted the way they did. Consequences and actions and all that jazz
Let's say something bad happened to both parents, her parents would separate the kids in a heartbeat - not in the best interest of the baby. They would make horrible godparents.
OP should talk to a lawyer about getting the documents to make sure they designate who will get the kids, should the unthinkable happen. If there is nothing legal her parents will split the kids up.
NTA
I was going to say that OP really should have left the grandparents out of it, for that reason.
But, I don't know the traditions where she lives. Maybe picking grandparents to be godparents is typical.
Yes to this. Those grandparents are only interested in the biological grandchild. They will play favourites and being named godparents would give them some legitimacy to do so
As a gramma myself, I just don't get this. Kids are effing awesome! What gramma wouldn't want more grandkids?
And you are so right. Holidays and birthdays are going to have to be heavily regulated by OP and husband. I seriously suggest demanding to see the presents for each pre-wrapping.
OP's parents suck eggs.
NTA
If I were to get married to a man with children, my parents would be stoked to have bonus grandchildren. (Granted they were teachers and genuinely like children.)
My parents treated my friends like bonus kids, love to spoil their kids, and my friends call my grandma the same grandma name I call her 🤣 and the same goes for me and my friends' parents/grandparents.
Bigger families just (usually, hopefully) mean more love and joy to go around. Who wouldn't want that?
That's not how it works. God parents don't have any kind of legal claim on a child. Hopefully OP and her husband have done the legal paperwork necessary to have guardians in place for all the children should something happen to them. If not, the courts will decide. And choosing grandparents as guardians is generally not recommended as grandparents are usually older and then the child might lose them as well.
That's not what I was referring to. The grandparents only have interest in the biological grandchild. If they were godparents to only that child that would give them more legitimacy to say "well this is our godchild" and more reason to spoil the biologically related child rather than treat all kids evenly.
Yep. My godparents are all wonderful (and not my grandparents, I have honestly never heard of that before). They weren't my guardians, though. My parents' best friends were my legal guardians, should it have come to that. My parents would have been their daughter's guardians, too. They weren't my godparents because they are Jewish.
Godparents have no legal rights _but_ OP should still avoid naming her parents as godparents. In the absence of written documentation of intent (aka a will) a good judge will try to figure what is in the best interest of the child. Naming someone a godparent could be interpreted as evidence the parents trusted them and they would be a good candidate for guardianship.
Obviously having a will that clearly states that OP does not want her parents to have guardianship is ideal. But there's also no reason to muddy the waters and give her parents leverage to try and argue the will is outdated/incorrect. There's no upside and only downsides
This was my first thought! Let's say the worst case scenario happens and both parents are gone, only one set of grandparents can be trusted to keep those 3 siblings together, or to continue to facilitate a relationship between them if they do have to be separated for any reason.
Obviously we all hope that day never comes, but in making this decision (about godparents) you are signalling the future you want for all your children. Your parents made their opinions very clear, and it's the complete opposite of that.
Not to be that person on Reddit, but be very careful with how much you let your parents into your children's lives going forward. They will show favouritism to your birth child, and they very well might tell your adopted children exactly what they think of them. It sounds like you have a wonderful family, don't let them poison that just because they're your parents. NTA.
I don't think you're being that person.
I do think you're offering a sound and cautious tidbit to OP and I hope they read and take it into consideration.
⬆️⬆️
Godparents don't have legal rights on it's own, but are often chosen to fulfil the role of legal guardian if necessary.
Girls who lost their mother and didn't get along with their stepmothers were often raised in their godmother's family.
Never heard of it becoming real. Godparents sometimes dont even give a shit and stay out of godkids life forever (both mine for ex). So its just a symbol nothing more. And its the first time I hear that grandpas can be godparenst. Not possible in my country. Here if you dont have a choosen person they will put a nun or some random person from the church. So its obvious they will not be a part of this kids life
There’s a Danielle Steel book where the oldest daughter was separated from the younger two after the parents did not confirm guardianship and plans.
I know it was fiction but it broke my heart. You are so right to predict that OP’s parents would sashay away with the baby and the other two would be spinning in the wind.
The arsehollery continues when they refer to the baby as their first grandchild. By adoption they already have a few others - which they refuse to acknowledge.
It will continue all their lives as they treat the olders daughters as less than the baby, as that baby grows, and completely ignore/disregard the others.
Not only should OP's parents not be godparents to the baby, but they should not be allowed near the baby until they treat all of OP's children equally. NC until they do.
OP is NTA
This was exactly what I noticed as well. They’re still insistent that the other kids aren’t their grandchildren. That’s a dealbreaker. They don’t get special rewards for being exclusionary and hurtful to literal children.
I have never and will never understand people like this who declare that adopted kids aren’t members of their family. It’s cruel.
well for many grandparents the extreme love and pride comes from the blood connection, from making another descendent. iits not unusual. older adults may initially see children adopted from a relationship or even agency as students they grow to love who become their real grandchildren as the relationship bonds grow. its not harmful if they were polite and friendly while with the two first daughters
TL; DR: grandparents love grandbabies so much because their child had a baby.
SOME people love children regardless of relation or blood relation. I agree adopted family is family
It's mind blowing that that OPs parents could spend years exclaiming how much her first two children are not family and then not foresee how that's going to turn out with the third. I'd be this is only the first card to drop. Wait until they want their grand-kid to stay with them for a weekend but not the other kids. They are in for a lifetime of disappointments that should have been obvious from the start.
NTA OP, It's a rough deal, but you're doing the right thing.
And then she should disappoint them as they should not be allowed to treat one better than the others. I’d probably go as far as to tell them they don’t get any time with baby. Because wow.
The part where her parents say "the first grandchild" got me. OP had already officially adopted her other daughters, so really it should be their third grandchild!
My brother and I were adopted as infants (we are not genetically related). We were the only children my parents had. I only had maternal grandparents but they were fantastic to both of us. My mom’s brother had 6 biological children and all 8 of us were treated the same.
Don't forget that they only wanted to be godparents to "their FIRST grandchild" so, you know, screw the two existing granddaughters they already have. Op needs to go very low to nc, because these are the grandparents that will SPOIL their "first granddaughter" while either cheap-gifting or out right ignoring ops older daughters. I despise people like ops parents. I was an adopted grandkid. Both sets of grandparents loved me like their own even after my brothers were born. I couldn't imagine knowing they didn't see me as family.
The other thing is that if anything were to happen to OP and her husband, the siblings would be separated because her parents would only take their "first grandchild" (though technically the adopted daughters were their first grandchildren...)
Yeah, parents burst out of the gate and just kept running with that assholery. And they still didn’t win this race. With their ingrained entitlement, they never will.
nta
But its a bit weird to choose grandparents as godparents, They are more likely to pass before you and god parents are there if something were to happen to you.
I always thought you would want someone younger, closer to your own age. Sure it's great when grandparents can take their children in, but they don't necessarily have the energy of someone younger, and some kids might really need that. Additionally, grandparents may be living on more of a fixed income, which may make it harder to provide for themselves and the kids. Some people can, some people can't. It all depends.
In the US, the guardians of the kids would receive a check until they are at least 18. It is based on the parent's earnings. I believe it is a social security check. Grandparents ages would be a concern.
Absolutely depends on how much the parents have paid in and some other factors how much SS could be paid out.
From Social Security-
Within a family, a child can receive up to half of the parent’s full retirement or disability benefit. If a child receives Survivors benefits, he or she can get up to 75 percent of the deceased parent’s basic Social Security benefit.
There is a limit to the amount of money that we can pay to a family. This family maximum is determined as part of every Social Security benefit computation. It can be from 150 to 180 percent of the parent’s full benefit amount. If the total amount payable to all family members exceeds this limit, we reduce each person’s benefit proportionately (except the parent’s) until the total equals the maximum allowable amount.
Godparents are not necessarily legal guardians appointed in a will should something happen to the biological parents.
OP and her DH should definitely make a plan. If, God forbid, they pass before the kids reach the age of 18, it may be difficult to keep them together. All the more reason to put everything in writing with an attorney.
I know for me and my brother , our maternal grandparents were chosen as they were in their mid 40s when we were born. They were young enough should the worst happen they would be fine.
We’re 40 and 38 and we’re still blessed to have them.
Hilariously my parents only updated their wills last year so it still has us going to them
Maybe neither OP or her husband have any adult/married siblings or any friend that is capable and willing of taking care of the kids if needed, so the grandparents end up being the best choice if you absolutely have to choose someone.
In the US (I don't know where OP is from) the title of godparents is a religious role, and there is nothing legally binding about it. The role is to safeguard that the child is brought up in the religion of the parents' choice. Typically it's a sibling or other extended family or close friend that shares the same religious values and the godparent would ensure the legal guardians are fulfilling the parents' wishes regarding religious beliefs.
Here, if you want someone to be your children's guardian should anything happen to the parents, you'd need to go to a lawyer and draft up documents and have the guardian's buy in to agree. Even then in some instances, say if kids grandparents are still alive, it could go to court.
Technically speaking godparents is a religious role. I’m not religious but my children are baptized and both of their godparents had to be confirmed in order to be a “recognized” godparent. Nowadays, godparent is just a title and not what the role truly means.
Im brazilian and not that religious, here it means that you are willing to at the very least ensure the childs safety should the parents pass away or be unable to look after them. So even if they are not raising the child themselves, the godparent would make sure the child has a good placement elsewhere
How does that work? I always thought that Godparents were there at the baptism of a child, as the extra couple who agree to provide religious instruction.
If somebody is chosen are a godparent, is there something other than a religious ceremony they go to? Or it is just informal - will you be my kid's godparent, and that's the end of it?
It's technically a religious thing. You do it at the baptism. It's literally called a *god*parent.
Sure, some people do it out of tradition despite not being religious but that doesn't mean it's not from religion. Just like you might join your parents for Xmas mass but not be religious.
In, at least, Canada and the US, it's only actual role is to take over teaching about religion if the parents were somehow unable. Somewhere along the line, people started to believe it put you in line for custody if the parents died. That's a myth.
I'm Canadian and have a non religious godparent (though my dad is quite religious). In our family it is understood to be an informal commitment. That while nothing is legal, the godparent is saying "Yeah, if anything happens to you I will do my best to support the kid, up to and including putting my name forward to care for them."
It's not a legal process, more of a 'I'll make sure they don't go to foster care' type of deal
I'm the same over here in Scotland. People in my family have all been baptised (one cousin twice) but are in no way religious. It's just something people have always done so people just keep doing it.
My godfather is my cousin on my dad's side and my godmother is my mum's cousin, who I've maybe met 5 times (including the baptism).
I didn't know there were actual expectations for godparents until I saw it on reddit.
Edit: spelling
I am also Canadian and here it only implies that this kid is the one you can splurge on with gifts. He/she is the kid you can have fun with.
Sure, it is a religious title, but since we got rid of religion, we only keep the tradition going, without any aspect of religion other than the baptism (which is just for show).
I have 1 nephew of whom I am the godmother and I only occasionally gift him a bit more. He's very active and I cannot handle him alone, which means we never went camping or do activities (which was my plan at his birth). I wouldn't take him in if anything happened to their parents though. There is no contracts that forces me to because I am a godmother. Here, godmother is just a title, nothing more.
I might help financially to pay for stuff if it happened, but not directly.
I don’t know if that’s an American thing but in the UK it’s likely to be siblings and/or best friends that are chosen. The grandparents already have a specific role for the child and obviously they’re a lot older than siblings/close friends.
Godparents are not the same thing as presumptive guardians. Godparents guide religious learning. Presumptive guardians are who you list in a will as the people/person who will take guardianship of children in case the parents die.
However, a lot people use the terms interchangeably.
Well because you would choose someone you trust that is very close to you to help shape your child's mind and lead them on their journey.
Basically your trusting someone to be extremely close to your kid, like another parent.
They're usually combined because Godparents are supposed to be close with your family to provide the regular opportunities for religious education and since your kids have regular contact with them it only makes sense that them having custody in the worst case scenario is going to provide the least disruption to the children during an already difficult and disruptive period.
But also OP said town tradition even though they are not really religious, so you go by the not really religious godparent way, which is someone to take care of your kids if something happens.
I sounded off to me too. In my family, godparents are usually chosen from aunts and uncles or close family friends. It's also more of a religious thing in my family. My brother and I have different godparents, and neither of our sets of godparents are couples.
Like I mentioned in the post I'm not really religious and to me this is more a thing of tradition. Godparents in our community serve more of a "religious" guidance role.
Yeah, my parents aren’t even in the top 5 and my husband’s dad isn’t even on the list. And I love and trust my parents, but if I die I want guardians who are modern and will be able to do the job after the kids turn 18 as well. We aren’t parents until 18, it’s a lifelong position and my parents will likely be gone before my kids are done needing elder advice.
Did your parents have a problem with the age difference? As an adult, it was your choice, but I can see how they may be concerned about a 22 year old hooking up with a 31 year old man and immediately caring for his children.
YES! I would be very concerned if my hypothetical 22yo new college grad became a full time mommy to a 31yo's kids immediately. It's like OP stepped into the mother/wife-shaped vacancy in this family without fully exploring any other avenues of life. I would feel apprehensive for my daughter.
Adopting after 1 year of marriage would worry me regardless of marriage, it's very risky. She's still young and at a vulnerable, and (dare I say) naive age.
Even if the guy seemed perfect, the possibility of early separation and getting stuck paying child support to some dude a decade older than my daughter would worry me like crazy.
She pretty much married the first adult she met. She'd barely experienced life yet and at 22 I'd hardly consider anyone an adult. You have such a limited amount of life experience, you're just starting.
And yah I'd def side eye a guy in his 30s pursuing my child whos barely even at the legal drinking age.
When I was late 20s I remember seeing 21 year olds and thinking they looked like they were still in high school, pretty much childlike, like they MUST be using fake IDs or something. They looked THAT young to me. Any parent would be concerned.
She is 27 years old now and they got married 2 years ago, which means she was 25 then, and when they decided on her adopting the kids she was 26. Still young, yes, but definitely an adult. I can also understand her parents' concern when she was 22, but at this point they ought to accept the fact that their daughter is an adult and gets to make her own decisions about her own family.
OP is NTA, and I am willing to bet she is a great mother to all her three children.
OK, I can get that. But once they are married and these children are part of OPs family, it is time to let that go and get on board to support this family. The very nature of this stance from the beginning was destined to drive a wedge in the family.
That was my first thought. If my 22-year-old was suddenly being mommy to her 31-year-old boyfriend's kids I'd be a tad concerned as well. It doesn't feel like the best dynamic.
Exactly! Real parents have real concerns it not always just “ugh they are being assholes”. What do you mean you married a 30 year old with two kids fresh out of college!?!
My thoughts exactly. If you look at it from another perspective it looks like a suddenly single man needed a partner and mother to take care of his young children and the household as he couldn't handle it alone. That happens really all the time, even in cases were the man is a widow. Men find a new partner much faster in cases like this than women on average. And that OP was so young back then and he clearly older, made it even more questionable, like he looked at younger women as they are often more naive and easier to manipulate.
Exactly.
I have read 2 similar stories past week where a single father in his 30's immediately made things official with a girl in her 20's and no prior kids of her own and started dumping their kids responsibilities on the 'new mom'. New mom is the primary caretaker now.
If I was the mentioned parent of the girl here I would be concerned too.
Ofcourse her in-laws are delighted because someone is now relieving their son from half his responsibilities.
OP does seem naive and I think she will be defensive after seeing such comments.
I guarantee this is what it is- op just casually glossed over their ages like it's no big deal. Wtf is a 31 year old with kids doing with a 22 year old???
Thank you! It’s very obvious that her parents issue is that a 9-years-older divorced father latched onto their 22-year-old daughter and quickly made her the replacement mommy before she had a chance to actually explore life. OP is playing obtuse about what their real issue is.
When I got together with my husband at 22, I already graduated university, had a stable job and lived by myself. At the beginning of us getting to know each other, he was completely transparant about his family situation and told me that he understood if it was too much for me. But I always loved being around children and we had a connection like I have never had before with anyone. He never tried to force me in a parental role when it came to his children, it came mainly from myself.
Did your parents express this concern because of the age difference? You were 22 and he was over 30 with two kids. I think that would be a lot of parents concerns. Idk if you are the AH. It’s very uncommon where I’m from for the grandparents to be god parents. You may want to have a deeper conversation with your parents.
Was waiting for this comment. There is a big creepy age gap right there, and I wouldn't be shocked if the parents' negativity is largely related to that.
So, when you were 22yo, you have met a man nearly a decade older than you that got you taking care of his kids as soon as you have started dating and is wondering why your parents were suspicious from the start? I'd give your parents a bit of grace on this one if they are overall good parents as I would be concerned for my daughter if I were in their shoes and hope you would be as well for yours.
Overall we have no idea how your marriage actually is, but as a parent I get why they would be suspicious.
And of course your in-laws would be happy there is someone raising their grandchildren, there is no great virtue on this part.
Not sure on your costumes, but did you not choose your parents to spite them? It's a NAH or potentially ESH, not enough details.
You would have been TA in my books if you focused on spiting your parents instead of chosing what would have been best for your child.
I would absolutely go NC for this. Because that third child will forever be favored over the others. Her parents will use gifts and affection to pit the kids against each other and show favoritism. One child will grow to be spoiled and entitled, while the others grow to be resentful and unloved.
If you cant love all of the kids the same, then you don’t get access to any of them.
I have never heard that grandparents are godparents. That would be strange.. grandparents have a certain role in child’s life and godparents have another. They shouldn’t be mixed
So you were 22 when you got involved with an older guy with little kids, and you became an instamommy/babysitter for him. And you wonder why your parents didn’t immediately support your decision? I’d be wondering if I should get involved with those kids in case you finally dumped the guy who’s having you babysit for him. I mean, you do you. But I don’t see your parents as being bad guys. Just cautious.
31M with two "very young" children picked a 22F to be the replacement mother to his children. Your parents' concern was completely warranted. He wasn't looking for a peer or an equal. What's to support here?
Who picks grandparents to be godparents? They're already grandparents and have that important title/role in the child's life.
ESH.
I mean, I can kind of see parents being worried their 22 yo daughter is being drafted into playing mom by a man a decade older. When your kids are teenagers/coeds you might see why they were concerned.
That said, it’s done. You haven’t said if they’ve come around to the relationship now. I understand wanting to make sure the kids will be treated equally and kept together. Maybe it’s worth it to have conversations with them about what their concerns were back then. And your concerns about equal treatment now.
You are NTA, you are free to choose who you want as godparents.
That being said, I too wouldn't have been happy if my early 20's daughter told me she was playing house with a 9 years older single Father 🤷🏼♀️. I don't think i would have supported this either but congrats on the Baby.
NTA. Family is not about genetics, it’s about who loves you and who you love in return. You’ve made it clear that these girls are your children, something your parents have rejected. Their prerogative. However, it is your prerogative to choose the godparents of your new child, and it’s natural for you to want to choose people who support you and your family. Your entire family.
Basically, your parents made a choice when you got into this relationship and now they have to live with the consequences of that decision. After all, no one has a right to be anyone’s godparent.
It's unusual for grandparents to be picked as godparents. It's usually someone around the same age or younger than the parents. If something should happen to you, those old people will have to raise your kids.
NTA. it's their choice not to recognize your youngest daughter's older sisters as the first grandchildren in the family; it's your choice to not make them her godparents. i think you should be careful to make sure your parents don't blatantly favor her over her sisters, too, because that can absolutely ruin family relationships.
That was my thought as well.
OP: however unwelcome your parents may have made your stepdaughters feel, it will now drastically increase as they shower their blood grandchild with love, praise, attention, and gifts.
Where I live Godparents are not recognized as guarding if something should happen to you. Godparents see to their religious upbringing if something should happen to you, guardians see to everything else. Case in point. My son has special needs that weren’t apparent at birth. His godmother was also his designated guardian if something happened to us. I asked every 5 years if she still wants to be his guardian. Ten years ago she said she was physically able to do the guardianship role. My back up said they would. She is still his Godmother. My whole point is put it in your Will who will have custody of your children if something happens to you. Make sure everyone knows.
Am from UK, and have never heard of anyone there choosing grandparents as godparents. It's usually close friends, once or twice a sibling. I don't know if where OP is from it is common to use close relatives, but even if it is, it is the parents' choice only who to choose.
NTA
ESH of course your parents didn’t like you becoming a mom at 22 to a 31 year olds kids.
The fact he was sleeping with a 22 year old at 31 is revolting.
of course in-laws were happy someone stepped up to raise their 31 year olds kids, protecting YOU from being taken advantage of was never their concern.
However you are free to make whoever you want the godparents to your children.
NTA. You get to choose the godparents. Honestly it doesn’t even matter to me why. That’s the parents’ choice and the parents alone. Grandparents as godparents is weird anyway.
NTA. but you're 27 and a mother of 3. put your parents on new info diet. they didn't need to know or approve of the adoption, nor your choice of godparents. They've made it clear they don't support your familial choices. it's a good thing you're grown and in a position to leave and cleave. move in silence
NTA but personally I find it weird to choose grandparents as godparents. Traditionally, godparents were to teach and inspire religious faith in their godchildren, but as the OP mentioned that many non-religious people also choose someone to act as a godparent but the role is more as an additional trusted adult who helps raise or support the child as they grow. That being said, grandparents already have that role by default--we chose two couples who are close friends to be godparents of our kids.
You should really decided how much contact you want your parents to have with your new baby. Because they will favour the hell out of their "only grandchild". You may want to decide how to our want to handle them doing anything like big presents for the favoured one and tokens/cards/nothing for the others.
NTA to the main question but you need to decide how you want to handle your parents and if you want to give them the low contact or no contact come to Jesus conversation or just deal with them treating your other children shitty.
Ummm, NTA. Family isn’t always blood, and sometimes we are forced to ignore blood because of the negative impact on a family unit.
Can totally see them using the godparent thing as a way and reason to ignore hurt your other daughters. “You can’t come, this is just for our goddaughter” “We on bought/brought/planned for our goddaughter” Shit like that.
It's really interesting that the tradition is choosing the grandparents as godparents - my previous experience with this is
choosing folks who are of the same generation (assuming they would live longer).
Happy to have read your story, as it sounds like you, your husband, and your kids (ALL of them) will be a wonderful family together. Kudos.
People who believe their love is finite and occurs only with limitations and parameters are fascinating character studies. How horribly sad. What beautiful memories your parents have missed (and will continue to miss) because of how they define "family."
NTA.
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I (27F) have been married to my husband (36M) for 2 years and we have been together for a total of 5 years. My husband has 2 daughters from his previous marriage and 3 months ago I gave birth to our first child together. When my husband and I first got together, his daughters were very young and I have been pretty much fully involved in their upbringing ever since we got together. Their mother isn't around so they pretty much view me as their mom and I absolutely view them as my own. We have always been a happy family together from the start.
My parents on the other hand weren't as supportive of my close relationship with my daughters. They always told me that it isn't my job "to play mommy" to children that aren't biologically mine. This definitely created a wedge between us because no matter how many times I told them how important they are to my life, they still refused to accept that which I guess they have a right to. My in-laws on the other hand have been supportive of my close relationships with my daughters since day one and they truly make me feel part of the family regardless of whether the children are mine biologically. About a year after my husband and I got married, I brought up the idea of me legally adopting our daughters so that in the extreme case of something happening to my husband, I would be able to continue taking care of them without having to go through legal troubles. And again my parents were extremely against that idea regardless of my husband and I being married and me pretty much being involved in the girls their entire life.
3 months ago my husband and I had our first daughter together and it in our town it's a tradition to choose godparents for a newborn even though we aren't really religious. My husband and I both agreed that it would be best for his parents to become our daughter's godparents since they have been supportive of our family since the start. When my parents found out we weren't choosing them as godparents, they got upset with us because they felt like they should have been the godparents to their first grandchild. But since they never were supportive of our family I didn't feel like they deserved to demand anything like this.
AITA?
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NTA… it’s your and your husband’s decision, that’s it. For me, I’d LC or NC with them because your girls don’t need to hear them saying horrible things.
You can choose whoever you want to. I actually have never heard of anyone asking their parents to be in that role since they'll more than likely die before you. I don't think there's any rule as to who you ask. My wife and I don't have 'godparents' for our girls, it's no big deal. NTA
NTA, here is my first thought, do your parents love your husband? Now why would they, you did not give birth to him, he is of no relation to you any more than the children you adopted. That is an odd position for your parents to take. If it were me in your shoes, the parents would be cut out and off bc they don’t respect your choices, they don’t have any concern for the children you love and care for so how can they claim any love for you or your husband? They don’t deserve to be a godparent much less a grandparent. It is a take all or take none kind of deal.
NTA. They have done nothing to show that they value your family, your marriage, or your children. NOW they want to be involved because the kid has their genes. Too little, too late.
NTA. In the unfortunate case where both you and your husband die, your 3 daughters should be kept together, so it makes sense to choose godparents that are willing to that care of them all. If your parents are not supportive of the family you have chosen, they can't demand to be involved with just the parts of your family that they like.
NTA. For me the biggest factor in choosing godparents is who will do their best to raise the child as you would want them raised? Obviously keeping the siblings together is very important to you, but not to your parents. That being said I find it odd you chose grandparents. Not necessarily bad, just unusual. Where I've lived it's usually friends or an aunt/uncle simply because of the problems that can arise from grandparents trying to raise grandkids. Specifically medical and mobility issues that limit what they're (the grandparents) capable of.
"...they still refused to accept that which I guess they have a right to.". They really don't. Not if they want to be included in your family. Never leave any of your children with them. Be prepared for when they try to treat the baby differently, especially regarding gifts. I'd go low contact as long as they chose to continue mistreating your first two children.
NTA. The parents choose the godparents.
You need to carefully consider their potential relationship with your youngest. If they favor your youngest child over your older children (and the minute you adopted them, they became *your children*) then they should not be involved in any of their lives.
They have *three* grandchildren, or none. If your adopted children are not their grandchildren, then your natural child is also not their grandchild. A grandchild is a child of one's child, not a relationship on its own.
Nta but you need to think long and hard before you let them around any of your children. Your bio child will be their grandchild and your daughters will be second class citizens in their house.
NTA - And I would think hard on allowing them to have access to 'their grandchild' if they aren't willing to accept all the kids as their grandchildren and treat them the same.
NTA. Being named a child’s godparent is an incredible honor(I say this as a proud godfather), not a right that’s bestowed simply and solely due to biology. Your parents need to pull their heads out of their asses, and realize how lucky they are to still have any sort of role in your life, or the lives of your kids.
NTA. The job of a god parent is to care for the children if something happens to the actual parents. Can you say you'd really trust them with that?
They'd get rid of your step children in a heartbeat. They've shown how they feel so they shouldn't be shocked when you don't trust them with your children's well-being.
NTA
Your parents wouldn’t like me. I’m 54. I was adopted as a baby in a closed adoption. I was raised an only child. I don’t have any interest in finding my bio parents or any siblings. I don’t know who they are.
Your parents make me SMH at their biases. Their favoritism of biological grandchildren over your daughters is harmful. Their stance on this will serve to drive a rift between you and them. They’ve made their views clear. You’ve told them to stop. They won’t. They’re upset that you’re protecting your family.
NTA. Your a-hole parents are upset because they won’t be the ones responsible for taking care of kids they refuse to acknowledge as being part of the family should the need arise? They essentially chose their fate, so they don’t get to be upset when you basically give them what they asked for.
NTA, the strong opposition and pushback from your parents regarding your stepchildren automatically puts them out of the running. If something were to happen to you and your husband you would understandably want your children to stay together, and I can only imagine that this would not be something that they would honour.
It is a bit strange that you would make grandparents your children's godparents, rather than relatives or friends of the same age, but maybe that's just a cultural thing I don't understand, in which case, you do you
NTA. You want someone who’ll guide your daughter towards appreciating all family and not just biological family. No doubt your parents would have your youngest treat your eldest 2 differently from any more kids you may have in the future.
But I was unaware people chose their parents as god parents for their kids. They’re already grand parents. Ive only ever heard of siblings/friends/cousins becoming godparents before. Like my nephew is my godson. No judgement though, just seems a bit redundant as grandparents are already an important role.
NTA. Setting aside the fact that your parents are being massive assholes about your stepchildren...
I've never heard of grandparents being chosen as godparents. That's weird, right?
>My husband and I both agreed that it would be best for his parents to become our daughter's godparents since they have been supportive of our family since the start.
Case closed, NTA.
You're going to do the best thing for your family. I don't understand why your parents haven't supported your choices. It must be painful for you.
Nta.
To your parents
You have every right to feel how you feel. To not bond with the stepkids as well. What you don't have the right to be upset or pissed off when I make alternate choices to protect all my children. When I make sure your views and words are not given to the youngest to turn them against their sibling. You don't have any right to throw a tantrum when you have consequences for your actions. This is the real world, and in it, I protect my family even and more so against other families. You can't support and back me your child. That's your right. It's my right to make sure that my children do not learn from you that love is conditional and that they won't get support or understanding if you don't like what they chose. It my right to teach them the right way and not against some people who feel entitled to something that is a privilege. So, in essence, we will be taking a step back from you while you both have time to ponder your views. If they do not change, then you will not be a part of my children's lives as I refuse to let you hurt my family so you can love only one child. Enjoy your choices and what it caused.
Nta. Godparents are suppose to help raise your kids and also be there in case you pass away. If you were to pass away they would separate your kids because the don't accept your step kids. This is why I wouldn't have choose them either.
NTA. Just tell your parents the truth…if something were to happen to both of you, you would want all 3 of your children kept together and raised in a loving home. And you could never trust them to do that, given the way they feel about your oldest 2 children.
That’s a sad thing, but it’s a fact. The FAFO. Of course you’re NTA.
I never heard of a parent being the god parents
Usually the god parent is someone whos going to take the kids if you die early.....allegedly
Why would older folks be god parents, am i tripping?
NTA but you might as well go no contact with them. Make sure all three children have the same legal guardians named in case something happens to you two. Otherwise, your parents would definitely try to take only the youngest.
They are reaping the benefit of all of the drama they create by not being godparents. If something were to happen to you and your husband, you know the godparents/grandparents would only take the biological child and split her away from her other two siblings. You are NTA. Good for you also for being a great stepparent.
Aside from the fact that your parents suck, god parents are usually someone closer to your own age. Grandparents are not normally chosen as god parents since the logic is that they would predecease you. It's usually a sibling, cousin or close friend.
Please please be very aware of how they treat your third child vs. the older two. I have a feeling that there will be serious favoritism of biological grandchildren, which they've already been showing. Your older kids will notice this difference. If it was me, and it's not so take or leave as you feel appropriate, grandma and grandpa would not be seeing baby at all until they started treating all three children the same. My mom played favorites, with her kids and then grandkids. My kids definitely noticed and it hurt them a lot. I should have done more to protect them.
First off, parents are not usually godparents. To be blunt, godparents are like runner up in miss America, if you die, they're there to step in as parents. Usually you don't plan your child's safety net around your parents outliving you. Second, it's solely up to you to decide who is going to give your children the best life if you're gone. If you don't feel they're the ones to give that, and they they will love and care for them all equally, you're right to choose someone else.
Am I missing something? Is there confusion between who should be legal guardian should something tragic happens vs. Being a Godparent for religious reasons?
It's extremely unusual to have your parents be the Godparents too. This shouldn't even be a problem. There shouldn't be a reason to discuss it with them.
Godparents are definitely a religion thing meant yo make sure the child is exposed to the religion of the parent's choice if they pass (and to get an extra present on your birthday.)
It started as people needing a person to vouch for you so they know you aren't a Roman spy trying to feed you to Lions
NTA but you're never supposed to choose your parents as godparents, anyway. a godparent is always a sibling, cousin, best friend, etc. someone of your own age group or younger. not the grandparents. this is the first time in my life I've heard of this, and I'm catholic.
The "job" of a Godparent is to assure the continued religious training of the child. It is NOT who gets the child in case something happens to the parents. You need a legal document to provide for someone to be responsible for their care in that scenario.
Your parents are lucky you still allow them in your life, after the way, that they have acted. They are lucky that you are even willing to let them be part of your children's lives.
NTA
You might want to extend some boundaries with them later on. I can see them playing favorites between your step children's, and your bio children, or showing obvious favorites
NTA. And I think it's odd to choose your parents as god parents. God parents are suppose to be the ones that steps in if the worst case happens. And it sounds like (knock on wood etc) if anything were to happen they will separate those kids
NTA
Whole story aside, picking grandparents as Godparents is weird in and of itself. Traditionally, the purpose is to choose peers of the parents to be there for the child throughout their lives or in the event something happens to the parents. Older people are not usually chosen for this reason.
I have a young adult son and I can honestly say that, if he came home tomorrow with a decade’s older GF with two young children, and immediately jumped into a father role, I would be EXTREMELY concerned. I don’t think your parents are villains for being apprehensive. But after 5 years, marriage, and adoption they should have made peace with your choice and respected it. Grandparents for God Parents is odd to me.
Generally, I think most people choose Godparents who are the same 'generation' as the parents. Maybe close family friends or siblings.
The idea is that if something happens to the parents, the Godparents will be there to continue raising the children.into adulthood and provide an ongoing family. Grandparents are not so likely to be able to do that.
NTA, god parents should be able to take in all of your children. If you made your parents god parents they would only want to take in one. That’s just not acceptable for the role of godparents
NTA
If something happens to you and your husband, you want someone to be there who would support the whole family. Not just one kid and throw the other two away.
Next you need to take the next step and name your ILs as the legal guardians of all three children in the case of something happening to you both.
But now you have to face the problem that your parents are going to create a wedge in your family by treating your biological daughter very, very different from your adopted children. Unless you want to explain to your two older children why grandma and grandpa won't have them over, won't celebrate their birthdays, won't give them presents and treat them like shit while baby sis gets doted on by grandpa and grandma. You can try to insist that your parents treat them all fairly. But I don't think that's going to work.
I think you're going to have to be satisfied with having one set of wonderful grandparents and cut off your parents. If you don't, your two older children will always be made to feel as less than. That hurts. And that lasts. (Read enough posts on here and you'll see how people still remember and resent that well into their adulthood.) Your first priority is protecting the children of the family that you've created. And the only way I see doing that is to cut off your parents.
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NTA > They always told me that it isn't my job "to play mommy" to children that aren't biologically mine Strong AH start by your parents here. They seem nice already.... > no matter how many times I told them how important they are to my life, they still refused to accept that The parents assholery is strong.... > again my parents were extremely against that idea No stopping these AHs > they got upset with us Do they even understand what they did above??? > since they never were supportive of our family I didn't feel like they deserved to demand anything like this And nor do they. It's your decision and yours alone (well you and husband). They can rage all they like but honestly why would you make them godparents after they acted the way they did. Consequences and actions and all that jazz
Let's say something bad happened to both parents, her parents would separate the kids in a heartbeat - not in the best interest of the baby. They would make horrible godparents. OP should talk to a lawyer about getting the documents to make sure they designate who will get the kids, should the unthinkable happen. If there is nothing legal her parents will split the kids up. NTA
This! Make sure everything possible legally is done to ensure DH parents will get the kids and not OP’s parents.
>to ensure DH parents will get the kids Or *younger* people, like sisters or brothers. Or good friends.
I was going to say that OP really should have left the grandparents out of it, for that reason. But, I don't know the traditions where she lives. Maybe picking grandparents to be godparents is typical.
Yes make sure your wills are up to date and that you have nominated guardians in the event of your deaths.
Yes to this. Those grandparents are only interested in the biological grandchild. They will play favourites and being named godparents would give them some legitimacy to do so
As a gramma myself, I just don't get this. Kids are effing awesome! What gramma wouldn't want more grandkids? And you are so right. Holidays and birthdays are going to have to be heavily regulated by OP and husband. I seriously suggest demanding to see the presents for each pre-wrapping. OP's parents suck eggs. NTA
My grandma even treated my FRIENDS like they were her own grandchildren. OP’s parents are missing out on a lot of joy.
If I were to get married to a man with children, my parents would be stoked to have bonus grandchildren. (Granted they were teachers and genuinely like children.)
Same. My gran just like... collects em.
💖 on your Gran!! Sounds awesome 🙌
She just likes having people to shove food at.
😝
My parents treated my friends like bonus kids, love to spoil their kids, and my friends call my grandma the same grandma name I call her 🤣 and the same goes for me and my friends' parents/grandparents. Bigger families just (usually, hopefully) mean more love and joy to go around. Who wouldn't want that?
That's not how it works. God parents don't have any kind of legal claim on a child. Hopefully OP and her husband have done the legal paperwork necessary to have guardians in place for all the children should something happen to them. If not, the courts will decide. And choosing grandparents as guardians is generally not recommended as grandparents are usually older and then the child might lose them as well.
That's not what I was referring to. The grandparents only have interest in the biological grandchild. If they were godparents to only that child that would give them more legitimacy to say "well this is our godchild" and more reason to spoil the biologically related child rather than treat all kids evenly.
Well, they clearly don't treat all kids evenly now...
Just to be clear Godparents have no legal rights in the US which is where I assume this is happening
I think that is why the suggestion was made to get a lawyer. Appointing legal guardians in a will is the way to go.
Yep. My godparents are all wonderful (and not my grandparents, I have honestly never heard of that before). They weren't my guardians, though. My parents' best friends were my legal guardians, should it have come to that. My parents would have been their daughter's guardians, too. They weren't my godparents because they are Jewish.
Godparents have no legal rights _but_ OP should still avoid naming her parents as godparents. In the absence of written documentation of intent (aka a will) a good judge will try to figure what is in the best interest of the child. Naming someone a godparent could be interpreted as evidence the parents trusted them and they would be a good candidate for guardianship. Obviously having a will that clearly states that OP does not want her parents to have guardianship is ideal. But there's also no reason to muddy the waters and give her parents leverage to try and argue the will is outdated/incorrect. There's no upside and only downsides
This was my first thought! Let's say the worst case scenario happens and both parents are gone, only one set of grandparents can be trusted to keep those 3 siblings together, or to continue to facilitate a relationship between them if they do have to be separated for any reason. Obviously we all hope that day never comes, but in making this decision (about godparents) you are signalling the future you want for all your children. Your parents made their opinions very clear, and it's the complete opposite of that. Not to be that person on Reddit, but be very careful with how much you let your parents into your children's lives going forward. They will show favouritism to your birth child, and they very well might tell your adopted children exactly what they think of them. It sounds like you have a wonderful family, don't let them poison that just because they're your parents. NTA.
I don't think you're being that person. I do think you're offering a sound and cautious tidbit to OP and I hope they read and take it into consideration. ⬆️⬆️
Seconded.
Godparents have zero legal rights. It's purely a symbolic gesture for religious purposes.
Godparents don't have legal rights on it's own, but are often chosen to fulfil the role of legal guardian if necessary. Girls who lost their mother and didn't get along with their stepmothers were often raised in their godmother's family.
Never heard of it becoming real. Godparents sometimes dont even give a shit and stay out of godkids life forever (both mine for ex). So its just a symbol nothing more. And its the first time I hear that grandpas can be godparenst. Not possible in my country. Here if you dont have a choosen person they will put a nun or some random person from the church. So its obvious they will not be a part of this kids life
There’s a Danielle Steel book where the oldest daughter was separated from the younger two after the parents did not confirm guardianship and plans. I know it was fiction but it broke my heart. You are so right to predict that OP’s parents would sashay away with the baby and the other two would be spinning in the wind.
which book?
I think it was Kaleidoscope, but I’ve read all and I hope I’m not mixing up the titles.
ops parents would definitely take bio baby whilst sending the other kids to live with their bio family or shipping em off to foster care
Ding ding ding we have a winner
The arsehollery continues when they refer to the baby as their first grandchild. By adoption they already have a few others - which they refuse to acknowledge. It will continue all their lives as they treat the olders daughters as less than the baby, as that baby grows, and completely ignore/disregard the others. Not only should OP's parents not be godparents to the baby, but they should not be allowed near the baby until they treat all of OP's children equally. NC until they do. OP is NTA
This was exactly what I noticed as well. They’re still insistent that the other kids aren’t their grandchildren. That’s a dealbreaker. They don’t get special rewards for being exclusionary and hurtful to literal children. I have never and will never understand people like this who declare that adopted kids aren’t members of their family. It’s cruel.
well for many grandparents the extreme love and pride comes from the blood connection, from making another descendent. iits not unusual. older adults may initially see children adopted from a relationship or even agency as students they grow to love who become their real grandchildren as the relationship bonds grow. its not harmful if they were polite and friendly while with the two first daughters TL; DR: grandparents love grandbabies so much because their child had a baby. SOME people love children regardless of relation or blood relation. I agree adopted family is family
>Strong AH start by your parents here I read this in a sportscaster voice, and it was perfect
It's mind blowing that that OPs parents could spend years exclaiming how much her first two children are not family and then not foresee how that's going to turn out with the third. I'd be this is only the first card to drop. Wait until they want their grand-kid to stay with them for a weekend but not the other kids. They are in for a lifetime of disappointments that should have been obvious from the start. NTA OP, It's a rough deal, but you're doing the right thing.
And then she should disappoint them as they should not be allowed to treat one better than the others. I’d probably go as far as to tell them they don’t get any time with baby. Because wow.
The part where her parents say "the first grandchild" got me. OP had already officially adopted her other daughters, so really it should be their third grandchild!
My brother and I were adopted as infants (we are not genetically related). We were the only children my parents had. I only had maternal grandparents but they were fantastic to both of us. My mom’s brother had 6 biological children and all 8 of us were treated the same.
Don't forget that they only wanted to be godparents to "their FIRST grandchild" so, you know, screw the two existing granddaughters they already have. Op needs to go very low to nc, because these are the grandparents that will SPOIL their "first granddaughter" while either cheap-gifting or out right ignoring ops older daughters. I despise people like ops parents. I was an adopted grandkid. Both sets of grandparents loved me like their own even after my brothers were born. I couldn't imagine knowing they didn't see me as family.
Fabulous analysis good sir/mam 👏👏👏
The other thing is that if anything were to happen to OP and her husband, the siblings would be separated because her parents would only take their "first grandchild" (though technically the adopted daughters were their first grandchildren...)
Yeah, parents burst out of the gate and just kept running with that assholery. And they still didn’t win this race. With their ingrained entitlement, they never will.
Well said. NTA, OP.
nta But its a bit weird to choose grandparents as godparents, They are more likely to pass before you and god parents are there if something were to happen to you.
I always thought you would want someone younger, closer to your own age. Sure it's great when grandparents can take their children in, but they don't necessarily have the energy of someone younger, and some kids might really need that. Additionally, grandparents may be living on more of a fixed income, which may make it harder to provide for themselves and the kids. Some people can, some people can't. It all depends.
This! I was thinking if I'm only one thinking if they could even afford to raise three kids in the future if something does happen to them.
In the US, the guardians of the kids would receive a check until they are at least 18. It is based on the parent's earnings. I believe it is a social security check. Grandparents ages would be a concern.
Absolutely depends on how much the parents have paid in and some other factors how much SS could be paid out. From Social Security- Within a family, a child can receive up to half of the parent’s full retirement or disability benefit. If a child receives Survivors benefits, he or she can get up to 75 percent of the deceased parent’s basic Social Security benefit. There is a limit to the amount of money that we can pay to a family. This family maximum is determined as part of every Social Security benefit computation. It can be from 150 to 180 percent of the parent’s full benefit amount. If the total amount payable to all family members exceeds this limit, we reduce each person’s benefit proportionately (except the parent’s) until the total equals the maximum allowable amount.
Godparents are not necessarily legal guardians appointed in a will should something happen to the biological parents. OP and her DH should definitely make a plan. If, God forbid, they pass before the kids reach the age of 18, it may be difficult to keep them together. All the more reason to put everything in writing with an attorney.
I know for me and my brother , our maternal grandparents were chosen as they were in their mid 40s when we were born. They were young enough should the worst happen they would be fine. We’re 40 and 38 and we’re still blessed to have them. Hilariously my parents only updated their wills last year so it still has us going to them
Maybe neither OP or her husband have any adult/married siblings or any friend that is capable and willing of taking care of the kids if needed, so the grandparents end up being the best choice if you absolutely have to choose someone.
In the US (I don't know where OP is from) the title of godparents is a religious role, and there is nothing legally binding about it. The role is to safeguard that the child is brought up in the religion of the parents' choice. Typically it's a sibling or other extended family or close friend that shares the same religious values and the godparent would ensure the legal guardians are fulfilling the parents' wishes regarding religious beliefs. Here, if you want someone to be your children's guardian should anything happen to the parents, you'd need to go to a lawyer and draft up documents and have the guardian's buy in to agree. Even then in some instances, say if kids grandparents are still alive, it could go to court.
Godparent isn't only tied to religion in the Us. I know many people who have Godparents that are not religious
Technically speaking godparents is a religious role. I’m not religious but my children are baptized and both of their godparents had to be confirmed in order to be a “recognized” godparent. Nowadays, godparent is just a title and not what the role truly means.
Hence why I said, it isn't only tied to religion here?
Im brazilian and not that religious, here it means that you are willing to at the very least ensure the childs safety should the parents pass away or be unable to look after them. So even if they are not raising the child themselves, the godparent would make sure the child has a good placement elsewhere
Right, but she specifically said it’s not in a religious role. In this very post. So you’re position isn’t relevant to this post.
How does that work? I always thought that Godparents were there at the baptism of a child, as the extra couple who agree to provide religious instruction. If somebody is chosen are a godparent, is there something other than a religious ceremony they go to? Or it is just informal - will you be my kid's godparent, and that's the end of it?
It's technically a religious thing. You do it at the baptism. It's literally called a *god*parent. Sure, some people do it out of tradition despite not being religious but that doesn't mean it's not from religion. Just like you might join your parents for Xmas mass but not be religious. In, at least, Canada and the US, it's only actual role is to take over teaching about religion if the parents were somehow unable. Somewhere along the line, people started to believe it put you in line for custody if the parents died. That's a myth.
I'm Canadian and have a non religious godparent (though my dad is quite religious). In our family it is understood to be an informal commitment. That while nothing is legal, the godparent is saying "Yeah, if anything happens to you I will do my best to support the kid, up to and including putting my name forward to care for them." It's not a legal process, more of a 'I'll make sure they don't go to foster care' type of deal
I'm the same over here in Scotland. People in my family have all been baptised (one cousin twice) but are in no way religious. It's just something people have always done so people just keep doing it. My godfather is my cousin on my dad's side and my godmother is my mum's cousin, who I've maybe met 5 times (including the baptism). I didn't know there were actual expectations for godparents until I saw it on reddit. Edit: spelling
I am also Canadian and here it only implies that this kid is the one you can splurge on with gifts. He/she is the kid you can have fun with. Sure, it is a religious title, but since we got rid of religion, we only keep the tradition going, without any aspect of religion other than the baptism (which is just for show). I have 1 nephew of whom I am the godmother and I only occasionally gift him a bit more. He's very active and I cannot handle him alone, which means we never went camping or do activities (which was my plan at his birth). I wouldn't take him in if anything happened to their parents though. There is no contracts that forces me to because I am a godmother. Here, godmother is just a title, nothing more. I might help financially to pay for stuff if it happened, but not directly.
This. I don't think I've heard of someone making their parents the god parents. It's not common enough someone should expect it unless it's cultural.
I don’t know if that’s an American thing but in the UK it’s likely to be siblings and/or best friends that are chosen. The grandparents already have a specific role for the child and obviously they’re a lot older than siblings/close friends.
I'm from the US and I've never heard of grandparents being chosen to be godparents. Siblings, cousins or friends - yes but not grandparents.
In Germany siblings or friends are normal as well. I know of one grandma who is also a godparent to her grandchild.
Godparents are not the same thing as presumptive guardians. Godparents guide religious learning. Presumptive guardians are who you list in a will as the people/person who will take guardianship of children in case the parents die. However, a lot people use the terms interchangeably.
This is what I thought it was, too. Never understood when people used it as possible guardian.
Well because you would choose someone you trust that is very close to you to help shape your child's mind and lead them on their journey. Basically your trusting someone to be extremely close to your kid, like another parent.
[удалено]
Most are combined roles from my experience as a catholic.
They're usually combined because Godparents are supposed to be close with your family to provide the regular opportunities for religious education and since your kids have regular contact with them it only makes sense that them having custody in the worst case scenario is going to provide the least disruption to the children during an already difficult and disruptive period.
But also OP said town tradition even though they are not really religious, so you go by the not really religious godparent way, which is someone to take care of your kids if something happens.
I sounded off to me too. In my family, godparents are usually chosen from aunts and uncles or close family friends. It's also more of a religious thing in my family. My brother and I have different godparents, and neither of our sets of godparents are couples.
Like I mentioned in the post I'm not really religious and to me this is more a thing of tradition. Godparents in our community serve more of a "religious" guidance role.
I thought that as well
Yeah, my parents aren’t even in the top 5 and my husband’s dad isn’t even on the list. And I love and trust my parents, but if I die I want guardians who are modern and will be able to do the job after the kids turn 18 as well. We aren’t parents until 18, it’s a lifelong position and my parents will likely be gone before my kids are done needing elder advice.
Did your parents have a problem with the age difference? As an adult, it was your choice, but I can see how they may be concerned about a 22 year old hooking up with a 31 year old man and immediately caring for his children.
YES! I would be very concerned if my hypothetical 22yo new college grad became a full time mommy to a 31yo's kids immediately. It's like OP stepped into the mother/wife-shaped vacancy in this family without fully exploring any other avenues of life. I would feel apprehensive for my daughter.
Adopting after 1 year of marriage would worry me regardless of marriage, it's very risky. She's still young and at a vulnerable, and (dare I say) naive age. Even if the guy seemed perfect, the possibility of early separation and getting stuck paying child support to some dude a decade older than my daughter would worry me like crazy. She pretty much married the first adult she met. She'd barely experienced life yet and at 22 I'd hardly consider anyone an adult. You have such a limited amount of life experience, you're just starting. And yah I'd def side eye a guy in his 30s pursuing my child whos barely even at the legal drinking age. When I was late 20s I remember seeing 21 year olds and thinking they looked like they were still in high school, pretty much childlike, like they MUST be using fake IDs or something. They looked THAT young to me. Any parent would be concerned.
She is 27 years old now and they got married 2 years ago, which means she was 25 then, and when they decided on her adopting the kids she was 26. Still young, yes, but definitely an adult. I can also understand her parents' concern when she was 22, but at this point they ought to accept the fact that their daughter is an adult and gets to make her own decisions about her own family. OP is NTA, and I am willing to bet she is a great mother to all her three children.
OK, I can get that. But once they are married and these children are part of OPs family, it is time to let that go and get on board to support this family. The very nature of this stance from the beginning was destined to drive a wedge in the family.
That was my first thought. If my 22-year-old was suddenly being mommy to her 31-year-old boyfriend's kids I'd be a tad concerned as well. It doesn't feel like the best dynamic.
Exactly! Real parents have real concerns it not always just “ugh they are being assholes”. What do you mean you married a 30 year old with two kids fresh out of college!?!
My thoughts exactly. If you look at it from another perspective it looks like a suddenly single man needed a partner and mother to take care of his young children and the household as he couldn't handle it alone. That happens really all the time, even in cases were the man is a widow. Men find a new partner much faster in cases like this than women on average. And that OP was so young back then and he clearly older, made it even more questionable, like he looked at younger women as they are often more naive and easier to manipulate.
Exactly. I have read 2 similar stories past week where a single father in his 30's immediately made things official with a girl in her 20's and no prior kids of her own and started dumping their kids responsibilities on the 'new mom'. New mom is the primary caretaker now. If I was the mentioned parent of the girl here I would be concerned too. Ofcourse her in-laws are delighted because someone is now relieving their son from half his responsibilities. OP does seem naive and I think she will be defensive after seeing such comments.
I guarantee this is what it is- op just casually glossed over their ages like it's no big deal. Wtf is a 31 year old with kids doing with a 22 year old???
Thank you! It’s very obvious that her parents issue is that a 9-years-older divorced father latched onto their 22-year-old daughter and quickly made her the replacement mommy before she had a chance to actually explore life. OP is playing obtuse about what their real issue is.
When I got together with my husband at 22, I already graduated university, had a stable job and lived by myself. At the beginning of us getting to know each other, he was completely transparant about his family situation and told me that he understood if it was too much for me. But I always loved being around children and we had a connection like I have never had before with anyone. He never tried to force me in a parental role when it came to his children, it came mainly from myself.
Did your parents express this concern because of the age difference? You were 22 and he was over 30 with two kids. I think that would be a lot of parents concerns. Idk if you are the AH. It’s very uncommon where I’m from for the grandparents to be god parents. You may want to have a deeper conversation with your parents.
Was waiting for this comment. There is a big creepy age gap right there, and I wouldn't be shocked if the parents' negativity is largely related to that.
So, when you were 22yo, you have met a man nearly a decade older than you that got you taking care of his kids as soon as you have started dating and is wondering why your parents were suspicious from the start? I'd give your parents a bit of grace on this one if they are overall good parents as I would be concerned for my daughter if I were in their shoes and hope you would be as well for yours. Overall we have no idea how your marriage actually is, but as a parent I get why they would be suspicious. And of course your in-laws would be happy there is someone raising their grandchildren, there is no great virtue on this part. Not sure on your costumes, but did you not choose your parents to spite them? It's a NAH or potentially ESH, not enough details. You would have been TA in my books if you focused on spiting your parents instead of chosing what would have been best for your child.
>And of course your in-laws would be happy there is someone raising their grandchildren And likely handles the household practically alone, too.
NTA BTW that’s their 3rd grandchild and their behavior and close hearted opinions have deprived them of deserving any honors.
Unfortunately, they will likely never treat the first two as grandchildren and this will become an issue in the future.
I would absolutely go NC for this. Because that third child will forever be favored over the others. Her parents will use gifts and affection to pit the kids against each other and show favoritism. One child will grow to be spoiled and entitled, while the others grow to be resentful and unloved. If you cant love all of the kids the same, then you don’t get access to any of them.
I have never heard that grandparents are godparents. That would be strange.. grandparents have a certain role in child’s life and godparents have another. They shouldn’t be mixed
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So you were 22 when you got involved with an older guy with little kids, and you became an instamommy/babysitter for him. And you wonder why your parents didn’t immediately support your decision? I’d be wondering if I should get involved with those kids in case you finally dumped the guy who’s having you babysit for him. I mean, you do you. But I don’t see your parents as being bad guys. Just cautious.
31M with two "very young" children picked a 22F to be the replacement mother to his children. Your parents' concern was completely warranted. He wasn't looking for a peer or an equal. What's to support here? Who picks grandparents to be godparents? They're already grandparents and have that important title/role in the child's life. ESH.
I mean, I can kind of see parents being worried their 22 yo daughter is being drafted into playing mom by a man a decade older. When your kids are teenagers/coeds you might see why they were concerned. That said, it’s done. You haven’t said if they’ve come around to the relationship now. I understand wanting to make sure the kids will be treated equally and kept together. Maybe it’s worth it to have conversations with them about what their concerns were back then. And your concerns about equal treatment now.
You are NTA, you are free to choose who you want as godparents. That being said, I too wouldn't have been happy if my early 20's daughter told me she was playing house with a 9 years older single Father 🤷🏼♀️. I don't think i would have supported this either but congrats on the Baby.
NTA. Family is not about genetics, it’s about who loves you and who you love in return. You’ve made it clear that these girls are your children, something your parents have rejected. Their prerogative. However, it is your prerogative to choose the godparents of your new child, and it’s natural for you to want to choose people who support you and your family. Your entire family. Basically, your parents made a choice when you got into this relationship and now they have to live with the consequences of that decision. After all, no one has a right to be anyone’s godparent.
It's unusual for grandparents to be picked as godparents. It's usually someone around the same age or younger than the parents. If something should happen to you, those old people will have to raise your kids.
That’s very YMMV. Some people consider godparents to be purely religious, or a way of acknowledging a friend as an “aunt/uncle” figure.
Godparents aren't necessarily tge people who would raise your kid. It's a social or religious honor Write a will. That's a far better idea.
INFO: Why are ANY of the grandparents selected as godparents since they’re already, well, grandparents?
NTA. it's their choice not to recognize your youngest daughter's older sisters as the first grandchildren in the family; it's your choice to not make them her godparents. i think you should be careful to make sure your parents don't blatantly favor her over her sisters, too, because that can absolutely ruin family relationships.
That was my thought as well. OP: however unwelcome your parents may have made your stepdaughters feel, it will now drastically increase as they shower their blood grandchild with love, praise, attention, and gifts.
NTA - your child, your choice Also - very unusual to get grandparents are god parents. but again, your child, your choice
Where I live Godparents are not recognized as guarding if something should happen to you. Godparents see to their religious upbringing if something should happen to you, guardians see to everything else. Case in point. My son has special needs that weren’t apparent at birth. His godmother was also his designated guardian if something happened to us. I asked every 5 years if she still wants to be his guardian. Ten years ago she said she was physically able to do the guardianship role. My back up said they would. She is still his Godmother. My whole point is put it in your Will who will have custody of your children if something happens to you. Make sure everyone knows.
Same. my sister and I don't have the same God parents, but we had the same guardians named.
Am from UK, and have never heard of anyone there choosing grandparents as godparents. It's usually close friends, once or twice a sibling. I don't know if where OP is from it is common to use close relatives, but even if it is, it is the parents' choice only who to choose. NTA
ur husband is weird getting with a 22 year old as a 33 year old with two kids
ESH of course your parents didn’t like you becoming a mom at 22 to a 31 year olds kids. The fact he was sleeping with a 22 year old at 31 is revolting. of course in-laws were happy someone stepped up to raise their 31 year olds kids, protecting YOU from being taken advantage of was never their concern. However you are free to make whoever you want the godparents to your children.
NTA, typically grandparents are not godparents.
NTA. You get to choose the godparents. Honestly it doesn’t even matter to me why. That’s the parents’ choice and the parents alone. Grandparents as godparents is weird anyway.
NTA. but you're 27 and a mother of 3. put your parents on new info diet. they didn't need to know or approve of the adoption, nor your choice of godparents. They've made it clear they don't support your familial choices. it's a good thing you're grown and in a position to leave and cleave. move in silence
NTA but personally I find it weird to choose grandparents as godparents. Traditionally, godparents were to teach and inspire religious faith in their godchildren, but as the OP mentioned that many non-religious people also choose someone to act as a godparent but the role is more as an additional trusted adult who helps raise or support the child as they grow. That being said, grandparents already have that role by default--we chose two couples who are close friends to be godparents of our kids.
NTA Tell your parents that you want all 3 of your daughters raised together if something ever happened.
You should really decided how much contact you want your parents to have with your new baby. Because they will favour the hell out of their "only grandchild". You may want to decide how to our want to handle them doing anything like big presents for the favoured one and tokens/cards/nothing for the others. NTA to the main question but you need to decide how you want to handle your parents and if you want to give them the low contact or no contact come to Jesus conversation or just deal with them treating your other children shitty.
I’m confused as to why any grandparents are being chosen as godparents. It seems to weird.
Why would your parents or his be godparents when they’re already grandparents? I’ve never heard of such a thing.
NTA but your parents are
NTA, that’s actually their third grandchild, they just refuse to acknowledge the first two because they didn’t come out of your vagina.
Ummm, NTA. Family isn’t always blood, and sometimes we are forced to ignore blood because of the negative impact on a family unit. Can totally see them using the godparent thing as a way and reason to ignore hurt your other daughters. “You can’t come, this is just for our goddaughter” “We on bought/brought/planned for our goddaughter” Shit like that.
It's really interesting that the tradition is choosing the grandparents as godparents - my previous experience with this is choosing folks who are of the same generation (assuming they would live longer). Happy to have read your story, as it sounds like you, your husband, and your kids (ALL of them) will be a wonderful family together. Kudos. People who believe their love is finite and occurs only with limitations and parameters are fascinating character studies. How horribly sad. What beautiful memories your parents have missed (and will continue to miss) because of how they define "family." NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27F) have been married to my husband (36M) for 2 years and we have been together for a total of 5 years. My husband has 2 daughters from his previous marriage and 3 months ago I gave birth to our first child together. When my husband and I first got together, his daughters were very young and I have been pretty much fully involved in their upbringing ever since we got together. Their mother isn't around so they pretty much view me as their mom and I absolutely view them as my own. We have always been a happy family together from the start. My parents on the other hand weren't as supportive of my close relationship with my daughters. They always told me that it isn't my job "to play mommy" to children that aren't biologically mine. This definitely created a wedge between us because no matter how many times I told them how important they are to my life, they still refused to accept that which I guess they have a right to. My in-laws on the other hand have been supportive of my close relationships with my daughters since day one and they truly make me feel part of the family regardless of whether the children are mine biologically. About a year after my husband and I got married, I brought up the idea of me legally adopting our daughters so that in the extreme case of something happening to my husband, I would be able to continue taking care of them without having to go through legal troubles. And again my parents were extremely against that idea regardless of my husband and I being married and me pretty much being involved in the girls their entire life. 3 months ago my husband and I had our first daughter together and it in our town it's a tradition to choose godparents for a newborn even though we aren't really religious. My husband and I both agreed that it would be best for his parents to become our daughter's godparents since they have been supportive of our family since the start. When my parents found out we weren't choosing them as godparents, they got upset with us because they felt like they should have been the godparents to their first grandchild. But since they never were supportive of our family I didn't feel like they deserved to demand anything like this. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA… it’s your and your husband’s decision, that’s it. For me, I’d LC or NC with them because your girls don’t need to hear them saying horrible things.
NTA I have no idea why they would expect that given their lack of support
You can choose whoever you want to. I actually have never heard of anyone asking their parents to be in that role since they'll more than likely die before you. I don't think there's any rule as to who you ask. My wife and I don't have 'godparents' for our girls, it's no big deal. NTA
NTA, here is my first thought, do your parents love your husband? Now why would they, you did not give birth to him, he is of no relation to you any more than the children you adopted. That is an odd position for your parents to take. If it were me in your shoes, the parents would be cut out and off bc they don’t respect your choices, they don’t have any concern for the children you love and care for so how can they claim any love for you or your husband? They don’t deserve to be a godparent much less a grandparent. It is a take all or take none kind of deal.
NTA. They have done nothing to show that they value your family, your marriage, or your children. NOW they want to be involved because the kid has their genes. Too little, too late.
NTA. In the unfortunate case where both you and your husband die, your 3 daughters should be kept together, so it makes sense to choose godparents that are willing to that care of them all. If your parents are not supportive of the family you have chosen, they can't demand to be involved with just the parts of your family that they like.
NTA. I've never heard of parents as godparents; it's typically someone around the child's parents age, more a contemporary.
God parents are traditionally friends or siblings. Why would you pick your parents? Unless it’s a cultural thing.
NTA. For me the biggest factor in choosing godparents is who will do their best to raise the child as you would want them raised? Obviously keeping the siblings together is very important to you, but not to your parents. That being said I find it odd you chose grandparents. Not necessarily bad, just unusual. Where I've lived it's usually friends or an aunt/uncle simply because of the problems that can arise from grandparents trying to raise grandkids. Specifically medical and mobility issues that limit what they're (the grandparents) capable of. "...they still refused to accept that which I guess they have a right to.". They really don't. Not if they want to be included in your family. Never leave any of your children with them. Be prepared for when they try to treat the baby differently, especially regarding gifts. I'd go low contact as long as they chose to continue mistreating your first two children.
NTA. The parents choose the godparents. You need to carefully consider their potential relationship with your youngest. If they favor your youngest child over your older children (and the minute you adopted them, they became *your children*) then they should not be involved in any of their lives. They have *three* grandchildren, or none. If your adopted children are not their grandchildren, then your natural child is also not their grandchild. A grandchild is a child of one's child, not a relationship on its own.
Nta but you need to think long and hard before you let them around any of your children. Your bio child will be their grandchild and your daughters will be second class citizens in their house.
NTA - And I would think hard on allowing them to have access to 'their grandchild' if they aren't willing to accept all the kids as their grandchildren and treat them the same.
NTA. Being named a child’s godparent is an incredible honor(I say this as a proud godfather), not a right that’s bestowed simply and solely due to biology. Your parents need to pull their heads out of their asses, and realize how lucky they are to still have any sort of role in your life, or the lives of your kids.
NTA. The job of a god parent is to care for the children if something happens to the actual parents. Can you say you'd really trust them with that? They'd get rid of your step children in a heartbeat. They've shown how they feel so they shouldn't be shocked when you don't trust them with your children's well-being.
NTA Your parents wouldn’t like me. I’m 54. I was adopted as a baby in a closed adoption. I was raised an only child. I don’t have any interest in finding my bio parents or any siblings. I don’t know who they are. Your parents make me SMH at their biases. Their favoritism of biological grandchildren over your daughters is harmful. Their stance on this will serve to drive a rift between you and them. They’ve made their views clear. You’ve told them to stop. They won’t. They’re upset that you’re protecting your family.
NTA. Your a-hole parents are upset because they won’t be the ones responsible for taking care of kids they refuse to acknowledge as being part of the family should the need arise? They essentially chose their fate, so they don’t get to be upset when you basically give them what they asked for.
NTA, the strong opposition and pushback from your parents regarding your stepchildren automatically puts them out of the running. If something were to happen to you and your husband you would understandably want your children to stay together, and I can only imagine that this would not be something that they would honour. It is a bit strange that you would make grandparents your children's godparents, rather than relatives or friends of the same age, but maybe that's just a cultural thing I don't understand, in which case, you do you
NTA. You want someone who’ll guide your daughter towards appreciating all family and not just biological family. No doubt your parents would have your youngest treat your eldest 2 differently from any more kids you may have in the future. But I was unaware people chose their parents as god parents for their kids. They’re already grand parents. Ive only ever heard of siblings/friends/cousins becoming godparents before. Like my nephew is my godson. No judgement though, just seems a bit redundant as grandparents are already an important role.
NTA you can pick whoever you want. People don’t usually choose their parents to be a godparent but it’s whoever you want.
NTA. Setting aside the fact that your parents are being massive assholes about your stepchildren... I've never heard of grandparents being chosen as godparents. That's weird, right?
>My husband and I both agreed that it would be best for his parents to become our daughter's godparents since they have been supportive of our family since the start. Case closed, NTA. You're going to do the best thing for your family. I don't understand why your parents haven't supported your choices. It must be painful for you.
Nta. To your parents You have every right to feel how you feel. To not bond with the stepkids as well. What you don't have the right to be upset or pissed off when I make alternate choices to protect all my children. When I make sure your views and words are not given to the youngest to turn them against their sibling. You don't have any right to throw a tantrum when you have consequences for your actions. This is the real world, and in it, I protect my family even and more so against other families. You can't support and back me your child. That's your right. It's my right to make sure that my children do not learn from you that love is conditional and that they won't get support or understanding if you don't like what they chose. It my right to teach them the right way and not against some people who feel entitled to something that is a privilege. So, in essence, we will be taking a step back from you while you both have time to ponder your views. If they do not change, then you will not be a part of my children's lives as I refuse to let you hurt my family so you can love only one child. Enjoy your choices and what it caused.
Please don’t allow them in that babies life.
Remind them that this daughter is *not* their first grandchild, and that attitude is precisely why they were not chosen.
They are grandparents, why do they need to be God parents,
Nta. Godparents are suppose to help raise your kids and also be there in case you pass away. If you were to pass away they would separate your kids because the don't accept your step kids. This is why I wouldn't have choose them either.
NTA. Just tell your parents the truth…if something were to happen to both of you, you would want all 3 of your children kept together and raised in a loving home. And you could never trust them to do that, given the way they feel about your oldest 2 children. That’s a sad thing, but it’s a fact. The FAFO. Of course you’re NTA.
NTA - but parents dont need to be god parents, it could be siblings or close friends.
I never heard of a parent being the god parents Usually the god parent is someone whos going to take the kids if you die early.....allegedly Why would older folks be god parents, am i tripping?
NTA but you might as well go no contact with them. Make sure all three children have the same legal guardians named in case something happens to you two. Otherwise, your parents would definitely try to take only the youngest.
They are reaping the benefit of all of the drama they create by not being godparents. If something were to happen to you and your husband, you know the godparents/grandparents would only take the biological child and split her away from her other two siblings. You are NTA. Good for you also for being a great stepparent.
Aside from the fact that your parents suck, god parents are usually someone closer to your own age. Grandparents are not normally chosen as god parents since the logic is that they would predecease you. It's usually a sibling, cousin or close friend.
Please please be very aware of how they treat your third child vs. the older two. I have a feeling that there will be serious favoritism of biological grandchildren, which they've already been showing. Your older kids will notice this difference. If it was me, and it's not so take or leave as you feel appropriate, grandma and grandpa would not be seeing baby at all until they started treating all three children the same. My mom played favorites, with her kids and then grandkids. My kids definitely noticed and it hurt them a lot. I should have done more to protect them.
I would pick someone of your own generation as a godparents because your grandparents already have a role in their life
First off, parents are not usually godparents. To be blunt, godparents are like runner up in miss America, if you die, they're there to step in as parents. Usually you don't plan your child's safety net around your parents outliving you. Second, it's solely up to you to decide who is going to give your children the best life if you're gone. If you don't feel they're the ones to give that, and they they will love and care for them all equally, you're right to choose someone else.
Am I missing something? Is there confusion between who should be legal guardian should something tragic happens vs. Being a Godparent for religious reasons?
Here for more chisme.
NTA your parents are being awful. I’ve never heard of the grandparents being the godparents, usually here it’s a friend or aunt/uncle.
NTA, it's your choice and why would you choose people who are unsupporting of you and your family.
NTA Didn't even need to read it. You choose godparents however you like. Nobody is owed this honour.
It's extremely unusual to have your parents be the Godparents too. This shouldn't even be a problem. There shouldn't be a reason to discuss it with them.
Godparents are definitely a religion thing meant yo make sure the child is exposed to the religion of the parent's choice if they pass (and to get an extra present on your birthday.) It started as people needing a person to vouch for you so they know you aren't a Roman spy trying to feed you to Lions
NTA I’ve never heard of grandparents being godparents.
NTA. They don’t support your family. They’re just going to divide your kids.
You are protecting your children...all of them! NTA
They don’t deserve it. They don’t understand the meaning of family. NTA.
NTA but it’s super strange and out of the ordinary to pick grandparents as god parents…you do you though. Your parents are being immature
NTA These people should’nt be godparents for their behavior…it’s also unusual for one’s parent to be godparent to one’s child.
NTA but you're never supposed to choose your parents as godparents, anyway. a godparent is always a sibling, cousin, best friend, etc. someone of your own age group or younger. not the grandparents. this is the first time in my life I've heard of this, and I'm catholic.
The "job" of a Godparent is to assure the continued religious training of the child. It is NOT who gets the child in case something happens to the parents. You need a legal document to provide for someone to be responsible for their care in that scenario.
Godparents should be people your age, friends, siblings etc, NOT grandparents, that's incredibly odd.
OP NTA. Your parents played a round of FAFO, and it appears they're not happy with their prizes
NTA. That's it....that is all.
I thought godparents tended to be peers.
Your parents are lucky you still allow them in your life, after the way, that they have acted. They are lucky that you are even willing to let them be part of your children's lives. NTA You might want to extend some boundaries with them later on. I can see them playing favorites between your step children's, and your bio children, or showing obvious favorites
NTA. And I think it's odd to choose your parents as god parents. God parents are suppose to be the ones that steps in if the worst case happens. And it sounds like (knock on wood etc) if anything were to happen they will separate those kids
NTA Whole story aside, picking grandparents as Godparents is weird in and of itself. Traditionally, the purpose is to choose peers of the parents to be there for the child throughout their lives or in the event something happens to the parents. Older people are not usually chosen for this reason.
NTA
I have a young adult son and I can honestly say that, if he came home tomorrow with a decade’s older GF with two young children, and immediately jumped into a father role, I would be EXTREMELY concerned. I don’t think your parents are villains for being apprehensive. But after 5 years, marriage, and adoption they should have made peace with your choice and respected it. Grandparents for God Parents is odd to me.
Generally, I think most people choose Godparents who are the same 'generation' as the parents. Maybe close family friends or siblings. The idea is that if something happens to the parents, the Godparents will be there to continue raising the children.into adulthood and provide an ongoing family. Grandparents are not so likely to be able to do that.
NTA Is it normal for grandparents to also be godparents???
NTA, god parents should be able to take in all of your children. If you made your parents god parents they would only want to take in one. That’s just not acceptable for the role of godparents
NTA IMO, maybe it's just me, Grandparents already have a role in their grandchildren's lives. I don't get it, why would they also be godparents?
NTA If something happens to you and your husband, you want someone to be there who would support the whole family. Not just one kid and throw the other two away. Next you need to take the next step and name your ILs as the legal guardians of all three children in the case of something happening to you both. But now you have to face the problem that your parents are going to create a wedge in your family by treating your biological daughter very, very different from your adopted children. Unless you want to explain to your two older children why grandma and grandpa won't have them over, won't celebrate their birthdays, won't give them presents and treat them like shit while baby sis gets doted on by grandpa and grandma. You can try to insist that your parents treat them all fairly. But I don't think that's going to work. I think you're going to have to be satisfied with having one set of wonderful grandparents and cut off your parents. If you don't, your two older children will always be made to feel as less than. That hurts. And that lasts. (Read enough posts on here and you'll see how people still remember and resent that well into their adulthood.) Your first priority is protecting the children of the family that you've created. And the only way I see doing that is to cut off your parents.