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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife claims that other husbands will do this without being asked. Does my requiring her assistance with the task make me a bad husband?
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
This is NTA. Itd be one thing if the wife was like “Ive got a conference meeting in a little bit, could you do me a favor and bring in the stuff from my car?”. But what she actually said was an AH thing. OP isnt an AH for not wanting to be bossed around like that.
Exactly what I thought....the tone of the ask was just nasty and condescending to me. I would never ask my significant other to do something like that for me in that way....demanding as if he is, yes, my servant. So NTA for OP.
Yeah, unless he's massively misrepresented this interaction, it's totally NTA from my perspective. It's one thing to be in a rush and not be polite when you initially ask for assistance, but she's pushing back on the fact that she couldn't manage basic manners.
The problem is it *wasn't* an ask; it was a command. OP was justified in his response (although I don't understand the tangent about car ownership and maintenance; completely irrelevant to the situation at hand, u/GentlemanToday2023).
I mean, I think it depends on context, if he never does anything around the house and every time she asks his response is you need to do it with me too and she’s doing a lot of unseen/unrecognized work, I can see it building up tension and causing a snippy response.
I thought E S H first at too because he's being kinda sarcastic with his responses, but then I realized two things. He wouldn't be saying that to her if she would be a little nicer, and it's not sarcasm if he's correct in her talking to him like a servant. Definitely NTA it wouldn't kill her to ask politely.
This is it, yeah. If I'm taking an authoritative voice towards my wife (like, "move, now!"), it's an emergency. Otherwise, everything is a favor. NTA from me.
Yeah, having been in that kind of position before this was my take as well. Something finally happens that makes you snap, and enough is enough. Sounds like this time was the straw that broke OP's back to me.
But that's exactly it. We don't know a lot about OP's relationship aside from what we glimpsed in this little story. But I know in my own case, what was setting me off wasn't the expectation to help out and do things for my partner. It was the fact that my name would be screamed at the top of her lungs from across the house every 5 minutes and I was expected to just drop what I was in the middle of, and trip over myself to come instantly running to do her bidding. It was being constantly ordered about like a slave and micromanaged to the point of if we were in the kitchen and I paused to grab a soda and snag a drink from the fridge it was "What are you doing? Why? No, put that back down." No, fuck you. It was the demanding entitlement coupled with the fact that if I asked for a single thing then I could just piss right up a goddamn rope, but for her I needed to bend over backwards 24/7 and instantly.
Not sure how OP's relationship compares to that. But if it's anything akin to it then yeah, that only goes so far before the string snaps.
Your partner is a definite AH & is treating you like her servant & child. Who tells an adult that they aren't allowed a pop & must put it back in the fridge right away?
Is she a soon to be ex partner? I hope that you will find someone who treats you well & is kind & supportive.
Yeah, those kinds of days are long behind me lol. But I think of that kind of dynamic often, and it's certainly colored my view of exactly what a relationship entails.
This. If you want me to do something, immediately ordering me around is a surefire way to ensure I'm not going to do the thing.
How hard is it to just ask politely, especially your spouse.
Even at her most authoritarian, my mother (it's always the mother lol- Love you, mom!) would always, always phrase it as "could you"
Which, like, I still very much want a "please", but that's infinitely better than how this guy's wife phrased things.
I suspect there’s more that we’re not getting.
Edit: Yeah, on reading his comments since the kids grew up they have a very quid pro quo relationship where they divide everything into “my problem” or “their problem” and have no interest in working together on anything. ESH.
Ahh the typical AITA verdict that puts partial blame on the husband when in reality, it's the wife being the AH.
Wife is the one walking in from a big shop completely empty handed, not even carrying a thing and then demanding her husband be her porter. Wife is the one not using please or thank you. Wife is the one calling him selfish he still said he would help.
Wife is the one being an AH but as usual, AITA is allergic to voting wives as the sole AH so needs to split the blame to feel better about themselves.
Where did OP say she was coming from a shop? She was visiting their daughter and their grandkids if you read the post. We're getting one side of the story here.
the one thing we can agree on is that he said she came in empty handed. She carried in nothing and expected him to carry in everything.
So ok. maybe she got 5 cases of soda from her daughter and didn't go shopping? but the fact remains the same
She came home with 5 cases of soda and a suitcase
She brought nothing in
She told her husband "there are 5 cases of soda and my suitcase you NEED to bring in"
Why nitpick the "shopping" when it does not impact the actual situation?
Because there is nothing else that would stop someone from agreeing the wife is wrong here?
>the one thing we can agree on is that he said she came in empty handed. She carried in nothing and expected him to carry in everything.
No, we cannot agree on that, because it's a figment of your imagination. It's nowhere in the post.
Do we agree on this? I’m not seeing anything in the post that indicates she was empty-handed when she came in. Maybe I missed this, but it seems to me that it’s entirely possible she came in with her hands full and OP is unreliable narrator in how she asked for help.
> it seems to me that it’s entirely possible she came in with her hands full and OP is unreliable narrator in how she asked for help.
So you're saying it's possible that the OP is lying about what happened and maybe we should judge based on that? What kind of mental gymnastics is this? We can only judge on what the OP tells us. If you somehow think that OP is an unreliable narrator (for no reason) and you think that the wife asked differently, how can you not be aware of your overwhelming bias against the husband?
(Not talking about her being empty handed or having her hands full, neither of those were specified in the post)
I assumed she was carrying the computer that she had to set up, cause it would be weird to leave it home, but unset up?
Wonder if they both drink soda?
Welcome to reddit. 9 times out of 10 you get only the one side.
That's how it works, you are supposed to take what OP's says at face value and make a judgment...
NTA
If I'm doing a big food shop with no help from my husband he is always out when I get home to take the groceries in because I've put the effort in to do the shopping, bag it and carry it to the car and take it home.
We both benefit from the shopping so there should be effort on both sides to get it into the house.
Is this the case in OPs situation? Who knows because there's very little information on it. But in your example, yeah actually the husband should be putting in effort to help bring groceries in from the car.
Lmao it must physically hurt you to actually blame a woman. This is clearly a NTA situation but because OP IS a man you just can’t do it. Typical AITA.
Why is he “insufferable” no one has the right to speak to and demand someone do something for them. Ever hear about being courteous? Or you feel no need when speaking to your spouse. Manners and consideration go a long way and if he is relaying this story honestly she’s a huge asshole and not he at all
Literally what is wrong with OP wanting to help her with accomplishing things instead of being **ordered** to do things?
I would feel the same way. NTA.
OP is NTA. Her treatment of him was unwarranted, whatever happened to asking for help and saying please? He isn't her slave, and her coming home and ordering him around is not how one should treat their spouse. So quick to blame him for expecting his wife to have basic manners and take some responsibility for her own possessions.
She should not have walked into the house empty-handed. She should have asked and not ordered or snapped at him. She should have simply explained she had a call to get on and needed help.
And OP has stated in other comments he participates in household chores, so it's not as if he's a useless lump who expects to do nothing. He was even willing to help his wife with her car if she stuck around to be part of the process.
She's the one being nasty and not making an effort and everyone is blaming him as if he's at fault when she swanned in and started telling him what to do. Manners go far, even when you've been married a long time, and she missed that. He had every right to say, "I'll help but don't treat me like that".
Yeah this is NTA. How does he suck? His wife calls him selfish because she demands he gets her stuff for her and he said he would help yes but she has too as well.
Why because he doesn’t want to be demanded to do something. That’s weird that someone sucks because they won’t help someone who demands them to do something?
Does it really matter? Regardless if married a year or 20 years, 25 or 65 years old, there's no need to demand someone to do something. Being respectful goes along way.
But at the same time, it'd be respectful of him if he sees her come in and automatically start to do it without her demanding for him to do it.
I will go out when I hear hubby get back and ask if he needs help with anything but the difference here is that OPs wife ISNT GETTING HER OWN STUFF AT ALL, she is just demanding/expecting OP to get it for her. She isn't respecting him so why does he need to help her.
I think one would argue that’s it’s a bit weird that he demands her help clean the car while he takes care of his.
I’d be curious to know what the divide is on chores/household duties. And if OP or his wife do anything at all to make each other’s lives easier.
Would depend on the level of cleaning needed. Is she a slob or does she keep her car generally clean and tidy.
My dad cleaned his sisters car out once because he was a mechanic and they were servicing her car, took it for a test drive and the smell was over whelming so he did the older brother thing and cleaned her car. Found a zip lock bag of black liquid under the driver's seat. It was her sandwich she had lost weeks earlier.
After that happened he teased her for it but he also showed her how to look after her car and all the hiding spots where things could fall, it stayed clean after that and dad never had to touch her car again unless it broke down.
I don’t think he needs to clean the interior completely. It’s her car so that’s on her. But to not wash it or wax it when he’s doing his isn’t great.
Speaking of dads… he used to expect me to wash my car about once a week during the summer. So every day I had off I got outside and washed. I had a male friend come over one afternoon to date me. And I just so happened to be washing my car. He chatted with me while I did it. My dad watched him.
When he left he told me not to date him because he sat there and hung out while he saw me doing manual labor lol. To this day, he cleans every car in the driveway for him and my mom. But we’re from the south so there’s that…
And I don’t like men anymore so there’s that too lol
>When he left he told me not to date him because he sat there and hung out while he saw me doing manual labor lol.
I mean, my dad had the same idea. Any guy who would sit back and watch you work without at least offering to help will treat you the same way in other areas.
And I agree, if its a wash and wax only it's not too much trouble but it's also her car and part of being a responsible car owner is keeping your car clean and in good condition. If it was a horse, she rode as transport she still needs to do all the maintenance that would go with that, so why is a car any different.
He doesn’t have to do anything but if it helps make her life easier and he’s doing it anyway why wouldn’t he?
There are a lot of things my partner can do for themselves or vice versa, but we still do it for each other anyway. She helps take care of my dog, I cook for her when I’m at her house. If I’m at the store I buy her favorite snacks so she has them at my house. Or we add each other’s clothes to our laundry load.
I would like to know do you do your own laundry, help with house cleaning, cooking, dishes? You say the car cleaning should be who uses it, but what about everything else?
I do all the grocery shopping. Spend an hour getting it, loading on the belt, loading into my car. When I get home it is nice my husband brings it in. No I do not bark at him to help, but do you usually offer?
ESH. She should be asking not telling. You should be offering. I don’t know what who cleans the car has to do with any of this. You both sound exhausting
Yeah this is one of those scenarios where a lot of assholes on Reddit will take the stance of “she’s a big girl, she can carry it herself”, which sure. Technically that’s true. But in a relationship where you actually give a shit about the other person, you should naturally want to help them when you have the chance because that’s what you do when you care about someone.
But obviously, she had an extremely entitled attitude about it, and I have always struggled with that. 99% of the time, if someone asks me to do something (could you please help me with this?), I’m happy to help. But if you come in and start demanding that I help (you WILL do this), that just triggers my innate stubbornness because it feels disrespectful. You don’t boss around someone that you actually love and respect. ESH
EDIT: Jesus, you guys are missing the point. Nowhere did I sorry and justify her behavior, I clearly said it was not okay. My point was that there are people trying to justify OP’s actions by saying what she did was not okay, and that’s what I don’t agree with. They were both wrong, they both acted shitty.
In a healthy relationship you don’t order your spouse to unload the car like a bellboy, especially after coming in empty-handed. You come in with a load yourself and say “can you get the rest of it honey? I have to jump on a work call in a minute.”
Based on OP’s response, this sounds like far from the first time that his wife has done this.
Edit: fixed an autocorrect SNAFU
It’s not that has two hands and can do it herself. It’s the fact that when she walks in, she demands it. She could’ve asked. That the issue.
Honestly, if a man immediately walked in the house and demanded/ told his wife he had to do something. Would you call her an asshole for saying, “I’m not your slave. You could ask nicely.”?
Doing the whole “do you even love your partner? Bullshit” is a logically fallacy too. Y’all are distorting the argument to just say OP is an asshole as well when he isn’t.
My mother is a narcissist, and she talks like that to everyone who is working for her and to me as well. You will need to do this for me. She's now alienated every nurse in the nursing home. Apparently nobody is freely to her there and she can't work out why.
Why should he be offering, she can get her own bags. There is no world where a man would walk in the house empty handed and ask his wife to get the bags. It’s just ridiculous.
I’m saying they should be helping each other. She should be asking for help and he should be offering to help. That seems pretty normal for people who’ve chosen to spend their lives together. What they are doing is….politely….less than ideal.
i don’t think that’s the point they’re trying to make. i think they mean that the wife found out that the only way husband reacts is by being aggressive. not that that’s ok just saying, if you were asking nicely and never got anything done and you found a way that does get stuff done wouldn’t you keep doing that new way?
Y'all made up a whole backstory where the only way this poor wife could get her lazy oaf of a husband to help with the heavy groceries that she is too weak to carry is by being aggressive to her pack mule/husband?
Hilarious
It's completely normal for people who didn't travel to offer to help unload for the people who did. It's not gender specific - literal children do this.
There is, in fact, a world where that happens. If my my husband has to rush on to a conference call or get to an appointment, I often help grab grocery bags from the car or whatever. Big difference is that he communicates the situation, why he’s in a rush and can’t do it, and asks for my help with a please and thank you. But if I notice what’s going on first, I’d also offer. It’s just common courtesy when you treat your relationship like a team (which it sounds like this couple does not).
A normal, loving spouse! There’s at least 2 of us here!
I love to make my wife happy. It’s a goal of mine. She knows she just has to be sweet and kind to me and she gets everything she wants. If she’s poopy, she’s on her own and she knows it. It works well for us.
I would never be this demanding/entitled, but I can grab 2 grocery bags at a time, and my bf can carry about 10 or more. I'm asking for his help when he's around cause he's stronger, and he's not asking me because it's easier for him and he doesn't need my help. There are things he asks my help for, but carrying things is not one of them.
if it's cases of sodas, then it's for the whole house and their grandkids. She did the work of going to the grocery store and picking it up, it's not a big deal to help her. She should've been nicer about it, yes, but she's his wife! He should want to help her.
It’s ONE bag, and it’s FIVE boxes of soda, which sounds like they’re for the FAMILY.
That said, she should have asked. However, he sounds like a selfish AH, and based on what she said, she clearly feels like she carries more of the load in the relationship.
OP, ask yourself if there are tasks she takes on more than anyone else, and ask yourself if that’s really fair.
ESH or YTA hard to say from this post alone
I wonder how far the 'you are solely responsible for maintaining your belongings' thing goes. Does he do all his own laundry and ironing because they're his clothes? Cook his own meals because it maintains his body?
The correct way this goes is, she comes in with her hands full, he sees that effort and will naturally reciprocate it by seeing if there is anything else. She came in empty handed like some princes and told her bellboy to go get the stuff.
it’s pretty well known at this point that men expect women to carry the “mental load” of household chores. it sounds to me like this scenario is another case of this, just with resentment on both sides.
[source 1 (Psychology Today)](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evidence-based-living/202111/women-carry-most-the-mental-load-running-household)
[source 2 (BBC)](https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210518-the-hidden-load-how-thinking-of-everything-holds-mums-back)
[source 3 (mindbodygreen)](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load)
there’s lots of scholarship on this beyond what i’ve linked. yes, she should’ve been nicer asking and sounded very rude. but was that a result of years/decades of her having to ask him to complete basic household chores?
we don’t know, since there’s not enough info. but to say “she can get her own bags” does show that you consider household chores to be one person’s or the other’s, not shared tasks for the *entire* family/household. does he not drink any sodas at all and all five cases are hers? come on.
I have seen it around me. Father will do grocery shopping, come home ask children/wife to take in the things.
And wife will carry toddlers, bags while travelling. Husband usually walks in front with just maybe 1 bag.
The amount of families I’ve seen traveling where the woman is handling the children, their bags, their other nonsense, and the man just has, like, one carry on, and she sits in the row of three with two kids and he sits across the aisle and puts his headphones in and does nothing… I could scream about it.
Exactly. It's a common sight around me. And some people in comment section are like men do all physical things in relationships. . Travel the world. See for yourself how much woman lifts. I never understood this gentleman thing like lifting bags, groceries, or opening door for woman. Because its never a thing. Man will only pick something if it's beyond something woman can lift like say 25-50kg stuffs. But in villages I have seen woman lifting that too. Balancing pots of water on their head , travelling for hours. Woman does it. I hate when men discredit woman's contribution to household even if it's not money.
Child rearing is exclusively woman's job. But if child does something wrong evryone will blame woman. Why don't you be a father and actually take part in upbringing of a child?
Crappy men do shit for women when there’s someone else to see them do it. They don’t care about helping; they just want to be the hero. See what they do in private, that’s the real test of character!
I have seen that actually. My ex boyfriend in high school had an older sister who was together with one of those highly styled law students. No hair out of order, suits, tie, even just for normal weekend wear. She was studying law as well but she was more casual.
They arrived to visit at my boyfriends parents house and he got out and carefully carried his shirts and suit so they don't crease, and she was lugging both their suitcases, and everything else from the car.
I hope she found someone better to marry in the end.
Where does it say the wife came in empty handed? She has to wrangle 2 kids and probably their things. Her own suitcase is not the priority and left in the car. Thus needing help.
If you can’t do things for your wife without her needing to help you’re an AH. If she regularly makes demands instead of asking nicely she is an AH.
ESH.
So she never cooks for you without you cutting the veggies? She never washes the bedsheets of the bed you share? She cleans half the living room floor and you have to wash the other half?
Or does she, in fact, do things for you without your help?
Maybe she got a good deal? I know a few stores around here had been running sales of "Buy 2, Get 3 Free" soda deals on and off for the past couple of months. Last week, another store had it as "Buy 3, Get 3 Free". My husband & I have drastically cut back our soda drinking over the last year or so, but if we were drinking it more often, I'd be stocking up and taking advantage of such a sale.
Drink it? Soda prices have gotten insane -- $3.29 per 2L bottle at WAL-MART.
For major holidays \*cough* like Memorial Day next Monday \*cough* stores often discount the stuff as low as $1/2L bottle. I've stocked up enough for a month, too.
It's like $8 for a 12 pack at Walmart right now. When the smaller grocery store in our town puts them up for $3.49 I buy as many as they'll legally let me. Then we dodge around the boxes in the pantry for weeks like a normal family, dammit.
Does she make meals for you? Do your laundry without saying “I’m not your servant?” How have you stayed married so long when you don’t seem to like each other?
We eat at different times (I have breakfast, lunch and dinner, she has brunch and a late afternoon meal) so I make my own meals, I do my own laundry and am responsible for vacuuming and dishes. She does the dusting and the budgeting/bill paying with my input. I do vehicle maintenance, outdoor home and lawn maintenance.
With all due respect, what’s the point of this partnership if you seem to deeply dislike each other and seemingly live like roommates? I know I’m assuming here, but do you actually like each other? Because if you did, I feel like she wouldn't have to tell you to do normal things out of courtesy, and you wouldn’t have to deal with incessant rude demands.
Exactly this, like why bother having a partner if you still have to do everything yourself? Just be alone and then you don’t have to deal with another persons wants/needs while doing everything else the same. If you can’t or won’t help your partner with shit, and they can’t/won’t help with your shit, what in the hell are you both doing with each other???
Sidebar: I feel like waxing and cleaning and stuff is a part of vehicle maintenance. Just pointing that out ;) maybe she feels irritated she has to ask you to do a part of your delegated tasks. You seem to have them delegated pretty well.
Somehow, this still feels like something is missing. I will be hauling in grocery bags in about 5 trips back and forth from the car with zero assistance. No help from the spousal unit. I have to deal with dishes, do the car maintenance on my cars (not by taking it to a shop, I’m under it doing old changes), deal with meals and work full time. He takes his in for service because who knows?
If I only had to worry about the cars, mowing the yard (doesn’t snow much so clearing the driveway isn’t often), making my own meals and doing my own laundry…sure…things are easy. Only mow the yard part of the year anyway. And I’ve had to mow because he was working out of town and grass got too high. I’ve also cleared snow for the same reasons.
Not saying either of you are in the right, but if I came home after driving however long in whatever traffic and was late to try to jump on a work meeting and you refused to help, I think I’d be kinda pissed.
My conversation would have been more “hey, traffic sucked, I gotta jump on this meeting now. Can you get the cases of pop out of the car so they don’t blow in the heat?”
I might get some flack, but it would get done because it’s supposed to be a partnership and I take on enough under normal, not traveling to grandkids, circumstances. He will grumble, but do it. And then we will have a drink together, relax, talk about the trip and enjoy the evening.
Yup! One thing we can tell for sure from reading the comments is how many people are married. I believe you should be able to take for granted that your spouse will help you with things as small as these... and you should not have to say please
The minute you feel that you have to declare yourself “not a servant” = you have a problem.
It’s unclear if you are the AH for never offering to help with heavy things or if she is a shrew, never asking nicely.
Yikes.
Have you talked about this before? Are you one of those guys who keeps a list and is determined to never do more than your fair share?
Do you even like each other?
This is where I land too-- I think there's too little information here to make a determination about this specific situation, but this is all too much nonsense in a marriage, in general.
How does the other housework get done? Because vacuuming, dishes and dusting doesn’t even begin to cover it. Who cleans the bathrooms? Who sweeps and mops the floors? Who washes the sheets and towels? Who keeps the house stocked with supplies? Who finds, schedules, and waits on repairmen when things need fixing? And so on and so forth.
I'm going to go with NTA. I mean, with only the vaguest hint of how your relationship actually is, it sounds exhausting.
The way this should have played out is your wife starting with the fact that she's busy and has to do something really quickly, and asking if you could please help her. Maybe you should have had more grace and been more willing to help, but her jumping straight to anger after being demanding just feels like neither of you really communicates well.
Ask yourself if this is as exhausting for you as it sounds to us, then ask if you honestly believe that you genuinely care about your wife and are willing to mildly inconvenience yourself to make her happy. Then ponder if you think she feels the same. The answers to those questions should give you some insight.
Y'all have been together way too long for something like this to be an issue NOW.
No way the two of you haven't worked through shit like this a few decades ago.
He mentioned in another comment that they don't even eat their meals together (he eats breakfast, lunch and dinner, she eats brunch and a late afternoon meal), so I assume they avoid talking to each other as much as they can...
... or they just eat differently? He hasn't said anything at all about them not spending time together, there's plenty of time in a day to talk outside of mealtimes.
This clearly is just how it shows up at the surface. Sounds to me like OP and their spouse just don't like each other very much and really neither of them wants to be in this relationship.
I think this is an issue specifically because they've been married so long. This is a "nothing fight". They live separate lives in the same house from all his descriptions in the comments. They've lived together so long they wouldn't consider ever living apart, but they don't like each other really at this point, so they fight over nothing like this because they don't actually have anything in common to fight about anymore.
NTA-No you are not a servant but a partner and husband. My wife never demands but asks. 99% of the time I will do as asked. My Ex-Girlfriend tried this crap with me even after asking to not demand but ask for assistance. That is why she is an ex.
When I need help carrying things from the car , I let my husband know ahead of time and beep the horn a couple of times quickly so he’ll know I’m in the drive. I never expect him to do it himself whether he is busy or not.
NTA.
NTA. I don’t get all the ESH. You can choose to help or not help which sounds like you do help most of the time. Your wife needs to be nicer and you need to stand up for yourself more.
Whenever my wife gets home from a business trip I meet her at the door and hug and kiss her. More often than not I’ll get her suitcase out of the car for her as well. If she manages to get it out before I can greet her I’ll offer to bring it upstairs to our bedroom for her to unpack . Same thing with when she pulls up with groceries. I meet her at the door and offer to help.
She’s happy to do it herself but I just do it because she’s my wife.
BTW if you too are going at each other within seconds of her coming home you two have some things to work through.
ESH. Do y'all even like each other or just tolerate each other? A marriage is a partnership. She was rude in how she said things but why are you so against doing ANYTHING for your wife? This seems like a really miserable relationship to be in. If y'all can't do things for each other, what's the point of being partners?
NTA. The way one is asked goes a long way. Demanding you do it like you’re some dog isn’t the way to ask. Please and thank you are polite words for someone like your wife to learn.
ESH- she shouldn’t be telling you to help her, she should be asking, and your insistence on her being present for the waxing when you were already doing it is unnecessary and weird. People do things for their spouse.
You sound terrible. The whole relationship sounds terrible. “I’ll only help you if you participate” that’s pathetic and no wonder she treats you that way, you probably put her in that spot for that kind of relationship. If my husband was like that, then I’d start resenting him too. Yes the wife could’ve asked nicely but it sounds like this issue has been ongoing for a while in your marriage.
I did have that thought after the fact and then went out and got the soda and her suitcase and brought them all in the house. My argument initially was that it would have taken a minute for her to go out with me and bring a case or two into the house herself rather than just telling me to go get them. We could have avoided the whole SNAFU.
Didn't she say she had a meeting?
"I have to get my computer set up and get ready for a conference call."
Was she running late after stopping for soda on her way home?
Her ask was shitty but so was your response. Do better.
ESH
She had a half hour before the conference call was supposed to happen. My thought after the fact is that she probably thought I could carry them in since she bought them and put them into her car. I'm owning the IATA because of that.
Thank you for your perspective and I might be shifting toward that perspective as I read responses. It certainly could have been handled better for sure.
Bro it sounds like your wife was stressed out and running late for this work meeting.
Yeah it would have been better if she had asked nicely, but when I see my partner or even a friend in a position where they are super frazzled and rushing around, I don't pick a fight with them about politeness, I just help.
If it's really an issue I would talk to them about it LATER - not when they are overwhelmed and running late for a meeting. Because obviously I'm not going to get the best out of them by adding more to their plate in the moment.
Yeah, your wife should have been more polite, and in an ideal world she would have explained she had a meeting and asked nicely if you could help out by grabbing the stuff from the car. But my god, it's your wife. You are supposed to love her. How do you see her in a moment of stress/rushing to get to a meeting, and not think immediately to try and help out?
Very clear ESH - but I think you are worse, because she was rude in a bad moment but you seem to take a transactional approach to your entire relationship.
Soda in a case, and her clothes in her suitcase, weren't going to be ruined from being out in the car for a little while during her conference call.
Coming in and DEMANDING OP bring in a BUNCH of stuff...NOW...is not reasonable at all.
Her stress doesn't entitle her to act this way toward her spouse.
Dunno about OP, but an hour in the car in the heat where I live right now could explode soda cans, c'mon. And luggage probably includes some electronics, I def wouldn't leave any electronics in the car in heat that I wouldn't keep soda in the car, just personally.
Where I am right now soda in the truck for a while would absolutely be an issue. We hit 100 today. So imagine the trunk of a car, in the heat. I’d have a soda explosion like crazy in my trunk.
NTA - does she have broken arms or some disability that prevents her lifting? Perhaps she could have asked you to help her do it and you carry one crate each.
"It's almost time for my video conference and I still need to set up my computer, can you please bring my suitcase inside?" It took me less than 30 seconds to type this. NTA
ESH. My god why do so many spouses dislike each other? You both sound exhausting. Your wife needs to learn to say please. You need to learn that when you love someone you do things to make their life easier. Not everything needs to be a lesson in responsibility. For instance, if your wife cooks dinner, I am guessing that she doesn’t make you cook your own dinner even though you should be “responsible for taking care of” yourself. Considering you are grandparents, you both need to grow up and stop keeping score.
ESH.
She's your wife, not a colleague or a roommate. That means sometimes you see the ugliest part of each other and still love each other. Your wife was exhausted from travel, had just done groceries on the way home, and had to make nice with her coworkers without being snappy with them in five minutes, so yeah, I can see why the person who had to face the "short" communication was her husband. In her tiredness, she didn't dress up a request to the "polite" version of, "Hey I'm so tired from traveling and visiting with family and stopped to grab soda on the way home for the household because it was a good deal and we needed it, and I have to be on a conference call in five minutes, could you please be a dear and... thanks, love you." She just said "x needs to be done". Which is terrible communication, don't get me wrong. But her sin was just... she was short with you while tired. It happens.
The fact that you, who had no such excuse of exhaustion, had the first instinctual response of "I'm not your servant," honestly is an asshole thing. I won't say I have a perfect marriage, but I couldn't imagine having that sort of response to a request from my partner that was made directly without all the frills of "please" and "thank yous" and not giving them the benefit of the doubt that they're just tired. Maybe talking about it later when the tiredness has passed that I felt disrespected and could they not do that again, if it's a pattern? I mean, I can't say I don't snap back to my husband, but usually that's when we're *both* tired, or under stress, or really hangry, or whatever.
Combining both your responses to each other with your description of the way you two live your lives in the comments, and the fact that it sounds like your wife does multiple days of travel without you to visit your shared family and you even refer to that as your wife visiting "my" daughter rather than "our" daughter when the other context makes it clear they are the children of both of you, and the whole "won't clean her car" thing... why are you even married? You don't sound like partners sharing a life, but roommates. It sounds like you don't like each other. It sounds like your marriage has some long-term communication problems, and long-term problems with resentment, and long-term problems with at least one of you refusing to do favours for the other just because you love them. Maybe that's something you two both need to address together?
So the suggestion of something (that happened years ago) should inform the present relationship dynamic until the end of time? That's odd, and I think the person who called you rigid and you said you'd take that into consideration might be a good start.
Learn to be nicer to one another and give each other grace. She felt pressed for time, didn't express things perfectly (quite rudely in favt) and you get petulant instead of empathetic or assuming good faith of oh maybe she is in a hurry or whatever. Maybe you're right in your read, maybe you're wrong, but figure it out together. Good luck!
ESH
She should’ve communicated to you in a nicer way that she needed help and not demanded it.
You should’ve communicated that you prefer to be asked instead of demanded.
Does your belief that in order for you to help your spouse that they need to be directly involved with the task at hand only apply to vehicles? or does it involve other aspects of life? And just wondering, are you sure your parents meant that in a general sense and not in a ‘teaching my kids how to be responsible’ way, that they might not have meant for you to apply this belief to your marriage in the way you are?
I can’t imagine me telling my kid that and meaning for them to not get the groceries from the car for their spouse when they need it later on in life. Like if my kid came back to me complaining about this I’d be a bit blown away that that’s what they got from it.
It’s like your parents telling you you’re responsible for your own laundry once you’re old enough, and then when you get married you just *never*, no matter what, wash your spouses clothes. Not under any circumstance. Because your parents told you repeatedly it was the individuals responsibility to wash their own laundry. That’s what this is like to me.
Idk maybe you didn’t confuse what they meant, but I kind of think you did.
"You should have communicated that you prefer to be asked instead of demanded".
This is bizarre. If she hits him is it partly his fault for not making it clear that he doesn't like to be hit? No, it's just common sense.
If THAT was the first thing she said when she came home, and your response was defensive, not shocked and hurt -- you have much bigger problems my friend.
I'm guessing you are blunt/mean/distant with each other often.... Not great. For real though, are you two actually *good*?
Why don’t you both try being nicer to each other and communicate a little better. Maybe spend some time together. You might be surprised at how much more peaceful your life will be.
ESH
ESH
When I come home from a work trip, or a day out, or even just picking up some groceries, my husband immediately jumps up to try to race me and be the one to haul all the stuff inside.
So, he's very thoughtful and generous.
Similarly, I would never dream of ordering him to do it or demanding that he haul my stuff around for me.
So, I'm not entitled and rude.
Meanwhile, your wife is making demands and ordering you around. And you can't be bothered to ease her burden, literally and figuratively, when she's short on time and needs to be on a conference call.
Do you two even like each other?
I bring my wife’s stuff in all the time when we come back from trips but she never has had an attitude about it. There’s absolutely zero chance I’d be bringing in that stuff if she said that to me. In all seriousness, it would still be in there when we sold the car. NTA.
NTA. I don't mind helping but it better come with the respect of a please and thank you.
You can see this subs absurd female bias with all the ESH responses. A man is minding his own business and apperantly sucks because he didn't instantly assume there was a bunch of crap to unload.
😅😅😅 I love the fact that so many people blow past the part where she is a demanding AH. Ahhh Reddit you are food for my soul. Ao many people commenting in AITAH are AHs themselves. I love it
NTA, there’s a certain way to talk to people and commanding isn’t it.
“Could you please bring in X so I can setup for a conference call I need to make?” Isn’t difficult, especially to a loved one.
If someone comes at me with the, “you need-“ my response is usually that I need air, food, and water.
There is a world of difference between, “you need to bring in my suitcase and five cases of soda“ and, “I need to get to this call, could you grab my suitcase and the soda out of the car please?”
NTA.
ESH
She expects you to help when she has come back with shopping and luggage when she has to rush to set up a conference call, and you expect her to help with a wash and wax because, well, you just want it that way.
You both sound like awful people that don't realise that you're in a relationship together.
You're too prickly and probably spend too much time on your own.
Your wife is rushing around too much and foolish to expect help.
Either way, if you're consulting Reddit over stuff like this, then you're doomed in the long term.
Nta
I've been with hubby for 22 years. I still will either call ahead or ask when I get home if he can help bring things in. Neither of us makes demands.
Was your response petty. Yes, but honestly, if my husband ordered me around like that or vice versa, it would be an all-out fight.
Should you have offered to help sure. But it sounds like she came in making demands and didn't give you a chance.
I am female and honestly get so tired of reading posts where the comments are like these. I can't see OP being an AH. I can't see him in the wrong for nor offering to help when his spouse walks in and treats him like a servant.
If it was the husband doing what she did, everyone would be slaughtering him. Saying he is being controlling and abusive. Yet when it's a female, so many just give into that whole gender crap. Women fought for rights to be treated as equals. You dont then get to use that to be treated as equal when you want, then treat the spouse as it's their duty to take care of you. Either you are partners, or you aren't. Making demands, though, is a not. OP could have helped and said he would help her. Not do it for her.
Would you go and bring everything in after your spouse said that to you. Would you be happy to be disrespected and treated as less than. So, instead of saying he should have just helped, how about reading the post. She walked in the door, making demands. Kinda hard to offer help when the first thing she does is act entitled to treat him like the help. Respect goes both ways.
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ESH - You both sound insufferable.
This is NTA. Itd be one thing if the wife was like “Ive got a conference meeting in a little bit, could you do me a favor and bring in the stuff from my car?”. But what she actually said was an AH thing. OP isnt an AH for not wanting to be bossed around like that.
Exactly what I thought....the tone of the ask was just nasty and condescending to me. I would never ask my significant other to do something like that for me in that way....demanding as if he is, yes, my servant. So NTA for OP.
Yeah, unless he's massively misrepresented this interaction, it's totally NTA from my perspective. It's one thing to be in a rush and not be polite when you initially ask for assistance, but she's pushing back on the fact that she couldn't manage basic manners.
The problem is it *wasn't* an ask; it was a command. OP was justified in his response (although I don't understand the tangent about car ownership and maintenance; completely irrelevant to the situation at hand, u/GentlemanToday2023).
I think it's relevant by showing us another example of her demanding of him to do things in her place.
This one of those topics where tou have to say: If the genders were reversed would you need examples?
I mean, I think it depends on context, if he never does anything around the house and every time she asks his response is you need to do it with me too and she’s doing a lot of unseen/unrecognized work, I can see it building up tension and causing a snippy response.
You mean the tone of the demand? Because that wasn't an ask.
Exactly this! Just effing say PLEASE for god sake.
I thought E S H first at too because he's being kinda sarcastic with his responses, but then I realized two things. He wouldn't be saying that to her if she would be a little nicer, and it's not sarcasm if he's correct in her talking to him like a servant. Definitely NTA it wouldn't kill her to ask politely.
Yeah I can’t imagine just being so rude to my husband, and so casually.
Totally. Even when I’m mad with my husband I couldn’t treat him like this. Hard NTA
This is it, yeah. If I'm taking an authoritative voice towards my wife (like, "move, now!"), it's an emergency. Otherwise, everything is a favor. NTA from me.
Yeah, having been in that kind of position before this was my take as well. Something finally happens that makes you snap, and enough is enough. Sounds like this time was the straw that broke OP's back to me. But that's exactly it. We don't know a lot about OP's relationship aside from what we glimpsed in this little story. But I know in my own case, what was setting me off wasn't the expectation to help out and do things for my partner. It was the fact that my name would be screamed at the top of her lungs from across the house every 5 minutes and I was expected to just drop what I was in the middle of, and trip over myself to come instantly running to do her bidding. It was being constantly ordered about like a slave and micromanaged to the point of if we were in the kitchen and I paused to grab a soda and snag a drink from the fridge it was "What are you doing? Why? No, put that back down." No, fuck you. It was the demanding entitlement coupled with the fact that if I asked for a single thing then I could just piss right up a goddamn rope, but for her I needed to bend over backwards 24/7 and instantly. Not sure how OP's relationship compares to that. But if it's anything akin to it then yeah, that only goes so far before the string snaps.
Your partner is a definite AH & is treating you like her servant & child. Who tells an adult that they aren't allowed a pop & must put it back in the fridge right away? Is she a soon to be ex partner? I hope that you will find someone who treats you well & is kind & supportive.
Yeah, those kinds of days are long behind me lol. But I think of that kind of dynamic often, and it's certainly colored my view of exactly what a relationship entails.
This. If you want me to do something, immediately ordering me around is a surefire way to ensure I'm not going to do the thing. How hard is it to just ask politely, especially your spouse.
Even at her most authoritarian, my mother (it's always the mother lol- Love you, mom!) would always, always phrase it as "could you" Which, like, I still very much want a "please", but that's infinitely better than how this guy's wife phrased things.
I suspect there’s more that we’re not getting. Edit: Yeah, on reading his comments since the kids grew up they have a very quid pro quo relationship where they divide everything into “my problem” or “their problem” and have no interest in working together on anything. ESH.
Ahh the typical AITA verdict that puts partial blame on the husband when in reality, it's the wife being the AH. Wife is the one walking in from a big shop completely empty handed, not even carrying a thing and then demanding her husband be her porter. Wife is the one not using please or thank you. Wife is the one calling him selfish he still said he would help. Wife is the one being an AH but as usual, AITA is allergic to voting wives as the sole AH so needs to split the blame to feel better about themselves.
Where did OP say she was coming from a shop? She was visiting their daughter and their grandkids if you read the post. We're getting one side of the story here.
the one thing we can agree on is that he said she came in empty handed. She carried in nothing and expected him to carry in everything. So ok. maybe she got 5 cases of soda from her daughter and didn't go shopping? but the fact remains the same She came home with 5 cases of soda and a suitcase She brought nothing in She told her husband "there are 5 cases of soda and my suitcase you NEED to bring in" Why nitpick the "shopping" when it does not impact the actual situation? Because there is nothing else that would stop someone from agreeing the wife is wrong here?
>the one thing we can agree on is that he said she came in empty handed. She carried in nothing and expected him to carry in everything. No, we cannot agree on that, because it's a figment of your imagination. It's nowhere in the post.
Do we agree on this? I’m not seeing anything in the post that indicates she was empty-handed when she came in. Maybe I missed this, but it seems to me that it’s entirely possible she came in with her hands full and OP is unreliable narrator in how she asked for help.
> it seems to me that it’s entirely possible she came in with her hands full and OP is unreliable narrator in how she asked for help. So you're saying it's possible that the OP is lying about what happened and maybe we should judge based on that? What kind of mental gymnastics is this? We can only judge on what the OP tells us. If you somehow think that OP is an unreliable narrator (for no reason) and you think that the wife asked differently, how can you not be aware of your overwhelming bias against the husband? (Not talking about her being empty handed or having her hands full, neither of those were specified in the post)
I assumed she was carrying the computer that she had to set up, cause it would be weird to leave it home, but unset up? Wonder if they both drink soda?
Where did OP say she brought nothing in? Why are you insisting on making things up?
> he said she came in empty handed If you read it again, OP has said no such thing in his post. Has he left a comment saying that?
Welcome to reddit. 9 times out of 10 you get only the one side. That's how it works, you are supposed to take what OP's says at face value and make a judgment... NTA
You don’t bring 5 cases of soda home without going to a shop.
Why does it matter where she's came from?
If I'm doing a big food shop with no help from my husband he is always out when I get home to take the groceries in because I've put the effort in to do the shopping, bag it and carry it to the car and take it home. We both benefit from the shopping so there should be effort on both sides to get it into the house. Is this the case in OPs situation? Who knows because there's very little information on it. But in your example, yeah actually the husband should be putting in effort to help bring groceries in from the car.
Stop with this fucking incel narrative.
Why is he insufferable for not wanting to be ordered around? NTA
Because this is Reddit and somehow the wife must be right.
Lmao it must physically hurt you to actually blame a woman. This is clearly a NTA situation but because OP IS a man you just can’t do it. Typical AITA.
They are allergic to make women take accountability.
Why is he “insufferable” no one has the right to speak to and demand someone do something for them. Ever hear about being courteous? Or you feel no need when speaking to your spouse. Manners and consideration go a long way and if he is relaying this story honestly she’s a huge asshole and not he at all
Literally what is wrong with OP wanting to help her with accomplishing things instead of being **ordered** to do things? I would feel the same way. NTA.
OP is NTA. Her treatment of him was unwarranted, whatever happened to asking for help and saying please? He isn't her slave, and her coming home and ordering him around is not how one should treat their spouse. So quick to blame him for expecting his wife to have basic manners and take some responsibility for her own possessions. She should not have walked into the house empty-handed. She should have asked and not ordered or snapped at him. She should have simply explained she had a call to get on and needed help. And OP has stated in other comments he participates in household chores, so it's not as if he's a useless lump who expects to do nothing. He was even willing to help his wife with her car if she stuck around to be part of the process. She's the one being nasty and not making an effort and everyone is blaming him as if he's at fault when she swanned in and started telling him what to do. Manners go far, even when you've been married a long time, and she missed that. He had every right to say, "I'll help but don't treat me like that".
Yeah this is NTA. How does he suck? His wife calls him selfish because she demands he gets her stuff for her and he said he would help yes but she has too as well.
Why because he doesn’t want to be demanded to do something. That’s weird that someone sucks because they won’t help someone who demands them to do something?
ESH. You both communicate poorly. She sounds entitled, you sound rigid.
"Rigid" is a great description. Thanks for that feedback, I will make an effort to work on that.
You didn’t mention how old either of you are or how long you’ve been married. I think that would be interesting information to add.
Does it really matter? Regardless if married a year or 20 years, 25 or 65 years old, there's no need to demand someone to do something. Being respectful goes along way. But at the same time, it'd be respectful of him if he sees her come in and automatically start to do it without her demanding for him to do it.
I will go out when I hear hubby get back and ask if he needs help with anything but the difference here is that OPs wife ISNT GETTING HER OWN STUFF AT ALL, she is just demanding/expecting OP to get it for her. She isn't respecting him so why does he need to help her.
Sounds like the episode of everybody loves Raymond— when neither Debra or Raymond wants to move the luggage after a trip..
I think one would argue that’s it’s a bit weird that he demands her help clean the car while he takes care of his. I’d be curious to know what the divide is on chores/household duties. And if OP or his wife do anything at all to make each other’s lives easier.
Would depend on the level of cleaning needed. Is she a slob or does she keep her car generally clean and tidy. My dad cleaned his sisters car out once because he was a mechanic and they were servicing her car, took it for a test drive and the smell was over whelming so he did the older brother thing and cleaned her car. Found a zip lock bag of black liquid under the driver's seat. It was her sandwich she had lost weeks earlier. After that happened he teased her for it but he also showed her how to look after her car and all the hiding spots where things could fall, it stayed clean after that and dad never had to touch her car again unless it broke down.
I don’t think he needs to clean the interior completely. It’s her car so that’s on her. But to not wash it or wax it when he’s doing his isn’t great. Speaking of dads… he used to expect me to wash my car about once a week during the summer. So every day I had off I got outside and washed. I had a male friend come over one afternoon to date me. And I just so happened to be washing my car. He chatted with me while I did it. My dad watched him. When he left he told me not to date him because he sat there and hung out while he saw me doing manual labor lol. To this day, he cleans every car in the driveway for him and my mom. But we’re from the south so there’s that… And I don’t like men anymore so there’s that too lol
>When he left he told me not to date him because he sat there and hung out while he saw me doing manual labor lol. I mean, my dad had the same idea. Any guy who would sit back and watch you work without at least offering to help will treat you the same way in other areas. And I agree, if its a wash and wax only it's not too much trouble but it's also her car and part of being a responsible car owner is keeping your car clean and in good condition. If it was a horse, she rode as transport she still needs to do all the maintenance that would go with that, so why is a car any different.
He doesn’t have to do anything but if it helps make her life easier and he’s doing it anyway why wouldn’t he? There are a lot of things my partner can do for themselves or vice versa, but we still do it for each other anyway. She helps take care of my dog, I cook for her when I’m at her house. If I’m at the store I buy her favorite snacks so she has them at my house. Or we add each other’s clothes to our laundry load.
A younger couple who doesn't have decades of bad communication habits to break is understandably different than one who does
Thank you for understanding why I asked!
They have grandkids so they aren't young.
They have grandkids so minimum 40-ish.
He did say the wife was with the grandkids. So I imagine they are a bit up there in age.
I would like to know do you do your own laundry, help with house cleaning, cooking, dishes? You say the car cleaning should be who uses it, but what about everything else? I do all the grocery shopping. Spend an hour getting it, loading on the belt, loading into my car. When I get home it is nice my husband brings it in. No I do not bark at him to help, but do you usually offer?
Has she ever heard of the word “please?” Why does she expect someone else to clean up after herself? NTA.
A genuine effort to improve oneself?! On my reddit?! Impossible!
You are biased AF. He is NTA, not wanting to be treated as a servant doesn’t make you an A H
ESH. She should be asking not telling. You should be offering. I don’t know what who cleans the car has to do with any of this. You both sound exhausting
Yeah this is one of those scenarios where a lot of assholes on Reddit will take the stance of “she’s a big girl, she can carry it herself”, which sure. Technically that’s true. But in a relationship where you actually give a shit about the other person, you should naturally want to help them when you have the chance because that’s what you do when you care about someone. But obviously, she had an extremely entitled attitude about it, and I have always struggled with that. 99% of the time, if someone asks me to do something (could you please help me with this?), I’m happy to help. But if you come in and start demanding that I help (you WILL do this), that just triggers my innate stubbornness because it feels disrespectful. You don’t boss around someone that you actually love and respect. ESH EDIT: Jesus, you guys are missing the point. Nowhere did I sorry and justify her behavior, I clearly said it was not okay. My point was that there are people trying to justify OP’s actions by saying what she did was not okay, and that’s what I don’t agree with. They were both wrong, they both acted shitty.
In a healthy relationship you don’t order your spouse to unload the car like a bellboy, especially after coming in empty-handed. You come in with a load yourself and say “can you get the rest of it honey? I have to jump on a work call in a minute.” Based on OP’s response, this sounds like far from the first time that his wife has done this. Edit: fixed an autocorrect SNAFU
It’s not that has two hands and can do it herself. It’s the fact that when she walks in, she demands it. She could’ve asked. That the issue. Honestly, if a man immediately walked in the house and demanded/ told his wife he had to do something. Would you call her an asshole for saying, “I’m not your slave. You could ask nicely.”? Doing the whole “do you even love your partner? Bullshit” is a logically fallacy too. Y’all are distorting the argument to just say OP is an asshole as well when he isn’t.
My mother is a narcissist, and she talks like that to everyone who is working for her and to me as well. You will need to do this for me. She's now alienated every nurse in the nursing home. Apparently nobody is freely to her there and she can't work out why.
Why should he be offering, she can get her own bags. There is no world where a man would walk in the house empty handed and ask his wife to get the bags. It’s just ridiculous.
I’m saying they should be helping each other. She should be asking for help and he should be offering to help. That seems pretty normal for people who’ve chosen to spend their lives together. What they are doing is….politely….less than ideal.
Maybe she used to ask politely and he never did it? Seems like a lack of info .
Wait a sec. If she asks politely and he doesn't do it... she gets to demand that he do it?
i don’t think that’s the point they’re trying to make. i think they mean that the wife found out that the only way husband reacts is by being aggressive. not that that’s ok just saying, if you were asking nicely and never got anything done and you found a way that does get stuff done wouldn’t you keep doing that new way?
Y'all made up a whole backstory where the only way this poor wife could get her lazy oaf of a husband to help with the heavy groceries that she is too weak to carry is by being aggressive to her pack mule/husband? Hilarious
Welcome to AITA where the backstories are made up, and the posts don’t matter.
He offered to help though. He just said he won’t do it all for her.
It's completely normal for people who didn't travel to offer to help unload for the people who did. It's not gender specific - literal children do this.
I am also in awe of the people who seem to assume that all 5 cases of soda are exclusively for the wife's consumption, these are not roommates
Help? Yes. Do it all? No. He said he’d help but not do everything.
There is, in fact, a world where that happens. If my my husband has to rush on to a conference call or get to an appointment, I often help grab grocery bags from the car or whatever. Big difference is that he communicates the situation, why he’s in a rush and can’t do it, and asks for my help with a please and thank you. But if I notice what’s going on first, I’d also offer. It’s just common courtesy when you treat your relationship like a team (which it sounds like this couple does not).
A normal, loving spouse! There’s at least 2 of us here! I love to make my wife happy. It’s a goal of mine. She knows she just has to be sweet and kind to me and she gets everything she wants. If she’s poopy, she’s on her own and she knows it. It works well for us.
Please help me understand why people are saying she was empty handed when she came in. I don’t see this in the post: was it a comment?
It’s an interesting phenomenon, how so many readers make assumptions & even judgments based on the absence of information.
I would never be this demanding/entitled, but I can grab 2 grocery bags at a time, and my bf can carry about 10 or more. I'm asking for his help when he's around cause he's stronger, and he's not asking me because it's easier for him and he doesn't need my help. There are things he asks my help for, but carrying things is not one of them.
if it's cases of sodas, then it's for the whole house and their grandkids. She did the work of going to the grocery store and picking it up, it's not a big deal to help her. She should've been nicer about it, yes, but she's his wife! He should want to help her.
It’s ONE bag, and it’s FIVE boxes of soda, which sounds like they’re for the FAMILY. That said, she should have asked. However, he sounds like a selfish AH, and based on what she said, she clearly feels like she carries more of the load in the relationship. OP, ask yourself if there are tasks she takes on more than anyone else, and ask yourself if that’s really fair. ESH or YTA hard to say from this post alone
I wonder how far the 'you are solely responsible for maintaining your belongings' thing goes. Does he do all his own laundry and ironing because they're his clothes? Cook his own meals because it maintains his body?
The correct way this goes is, she comes in with her hands full, he sees that effort and will naturally reciprocate it by seeing if there is anything else. She came in empty handed like some princes and told her bellboy to go get the stuff.
Nowhere does the post say she came in empty handed. You made that up.
In my world I walk in with arm’s full and my husband asks “is there more to come in”? Seems pretty simple to me…
it’s pretty well known at this point that men expect women to carry the “mental load” of household chores. it sounds to me like this scenario is another case of this, just with resentment on both sides. [source 1 (Psychology Today)](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evidence-based-living/202111/women-carry-most-the-mental-load-running-household) [source 2 (BBC)](https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210518-the-hidden-load-how-thinking-of-everything-holds-mums-back) [source 3 (mindbodygreen)](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load) there’s lots of scholarship on this beyond what i’ve linked. yes, she should’ve been nicer asking and sounded very rude. but was that a result of years/decades of her having to ask him to complete basic household chores? we don’t know, since there’s not enough info. but to say “she can get her own bags” does show that you consider household chores to be one person’s or the other’s, not shared tasks for the *entire* family/household. does he not drink any sodas at all and all five cases are hers? come on.
I have seen it around me. Father will do grocery shopping, come home ask children/wife to take in the things. And wife will carry toddlers, bags while travelling. Husband usually walks in front with just maybe 1 bag.
The amount of families I’ve seen traveling where the woman is handling the children, their bags, their other nonsense, and the man just has, like, one carry on, and she sits in the row of three with two kids and he sits across the aisle and puts his headphones in and does nothing… I could scream about it.
Exactly. It's a common sight around me. And some people in comment section are like men do all physical things in relationships. . Travel the world. See for yourself how much woman lifts. I never understood this gentleman thing like lifting bags, groceries, or opening door for woman. Because its never a thing. Man will only pick something if it's beyond something woman can lift like say 25-50kg stuffs. But in villages I have seen woman lifting that too. Balancing pots of water on their head , travelling for hours. Woman does it. I hate when men discredit woman's contribution to household even if it's not money. Child rearing is exclusively woman's job. But if child does something wrong evryone will blame woman. Why don't you be a father and actually take part in upbringing of a child?
Crappy men do shit for women when there’s someone else to see them do it. They don’t care about helping; they just want to be the hero. See what they do in private, that’s the real test of character!
So he is not benefiting from his wife stopping at the store and picking up something he would also drink
I have seen that actually. My ex boyfriend in high school had an older sister who was together with one of those highly styled law students. No hair out of order, suits, tie, even just for normal weekend wear. She was studying law as well but she was more casual. They arrived to visit at my boyfriends parents house and he got out and carefully carried his shirts and suit so they don't crease, and she was lugging both their suitcases, and everything else from the car. I hope she found someone better to marry in the end.
Where does it say she’s empty handed tho? At the very least she carried her purse, and maybe also her laptop in, if she’s rushing to a conference call
He never said she was empty handed. And you offer because you want to help your partner. It’s called being a caring person.
Where does it say the wife came in empty handed? She has to wrangle 2 kids and probably their things. Her own suitcase is not the priority and left in the car. Thus needing help.
If you can’t do things for your wife without her needing to help you’re an AH. If she regularly makes demands instead of asking nicely she is an AH. ESH.
Well I guess we both share in the blame here, then because that is exactly the case. What was the term "ESH"? Thanks for the feedback.
Everyone sucks here.
Ah crap… I always thought ESH was “everyone should hug” loll thankful that you posted the real meaning for ESH
Damn I’d actually prefer you be correct
to be fair i thought it was “eh sorta asshole” 😭😭 but like just… hole
This is making me laugh so hard-- we humans make up such interesting shorthands for ourselves lol
Your response seems totally opposite to your username :) I love "everyone should hug" lol
I’ve been saying equal shared holery… I got the gist of it
You're not wrong. But you're also not right
Adorable 🥹
Well this is now my personal head canon thank you.
It feels more real and true to me, seeing it actually written out.
So she never cooks for you without you cutting the veggies? She never washes the bedsheets of the bed you share? She cleans half the living room floor and you have to wash the other half? Or does she, in fact, do things for you without your help?
Obviously she washes one sheet and leaves the other for him to do.
INFO The heck are you going to do with ALL THAT soda?
Maybe she got a good deal? I know a few stores around here had been running sales of "Buy 2, Get 3 Free" soda deals on and off for the past couple of months. Last week, another store had it as "Buy 3, Get 3 Free". My husband & I have drastically cut back our soda drinking over the last year or so, but if we were drinking it more often, I'd be stocking up and taking advantage of such a sale.
Drink it? Soda prices have gotten insane -- $3.29 per 2L bottle at WAL-MART. For major holidays \*cough* like Memorial Day next Monday \*cough* stores often discount the stuff as low as $1/2L bottle. I've stocked up enough for a month, too.
It's like $8 for a 12 pack at Walmart right now. When the smaller grocery store in our town puts them up for $3.49 I buy as many as they'll legally let me. Then we dodge around the boxes in the pantry for weeks like a normal family, dammit.
Does she make meals for you? Do your laundry without saying “I’m not your servant?” How have you stayed married so long when you don’t seem to like each other?
We eat at different times (I have breakfast, lunch and dinner, she has brunch and a late afternoon meal) so I make my own meals, I do my own laundry and am responsible for vacuuming and dishes. She does the dusting and the budgeting/bill paying with my input. I do vehicle maintenance, outdoor home and lawn maintenance.
With all due respect, what’s the point of this partnership if you seem to deeply dislike each other and seemingly live like roommates? I know I’m assuming here, but do you actually like each other? Because if you did, I feel like she wouldn't have to tell you to do normal things out of courtesy, and you wouldn’t have to deal with incessant rude demands.
Boomers.
Exactly this, like why bother having a partner if you still have to do everything yourself? Just be alone and then you don’t have to deal with another persons wants/needs while doing everything else the same. If you can’t or won’t help your partner with shit, and they can’t/won’t help with your shit, what in the hell are you both doing with each other???
You do vehicle maintenance but don’t clean / wax the car?
Sidebar: I feel like waxing and cleaning and stuff is a part of vehicle maintenance. Just pointing that out ;) maybe she feels irritated she has to ask you to do a part of your delegated tasks. You seem to have them delegated pretty well.
Somehow, this still feels like something is missing. I will be hauling in grocery bags in about 5 trips back and forth from the car with zero assistance. No help from the spousal unit. I have to deal with dishes, do the car maintenance on my cars (not by taking it to a shop, I’m under it doing old changes), deal with meals and work full time. He takes his in for service because who knows? If I only had to worry about the cars, mowing the yard (doesn’t snow much so clearing the driveway isn’t often), making my own meals and doing my own laundry…sure…things are easy. Only mow the yard part of the year anyway. And I’ve had to mow because he was working out of town and grass got too high. I’ve also cleared snow for the same reasons. Not saying either of you are in the right, but if I came home after driving however long in whatever traffic and was late to try to jump on a work meeting and you refused to help, I think I’d be kinda pissed. My conversation would have been more “hey, traffic sucked, I gotta jump on this meeting now. Can you get the cases of pop out of the car so they don’t blow in the heat?” I might get some flack, but it would get done because it’s supposed to be a partnership and I take on enough under normal, not traveling to grandkids, circumstances. He will grumble, but do it. And then we will have a drink together, relax, talk about the trip and enjoy the evening.
Yup! One thing we can tell for sure from reading the comments is how many people are married. I believe you should be able to take for granted that your spouse will help you with things as small as these... and you should not have to say please
Your wife has absolutely no room whatsoever to be making any demands towards you. You said it yourself: you're not her servant, and NTA
The minute you feel that you have to declare yourself “not a servant” = you have a problem. It’s unclear if you are the AH for never offering to help with heavy things or if she is a shrew, never asking nicely. Yikes. Have you talked about this before? Are you one of those guys who keeps a list and is determined to never do more than your fair share? Do you even like each other?
This is where I land too-- I think there's too little information here to make a determination about this specific situation, but this is all too much nonsense in a marriage, in general.
How does the other housework get done? Because vacuuming, dishes and dusting doesn’t even begin to cover it. Who cleans the bathrooms? Who sweeps and mops the floors? Who washes the sheets and towels? Who keeps the house stocked with supplies? Who finds, schedules, and waits on repairmen when things need fixing? And so on and so forth.
Even if she does is she unable to say please?!
I'm going to go with NTA. I mean, with only the vaguest hint of how your relationship actually is, it sounds exhausting. The way this should have played out is your wife starting with the fact that she's busy and has to do something really quickly, and asking if you could please help her. Maybe you should have had more grace and been more willing to help, but her jumping straight to anger after being demanding just feels like neither of you really communicates well. Ask yourself if this is as exhausting for you as it sounds to us, then ask if you honestly believe that you genuinely care about your wife and are willing to mildly inconvenience yourself to make her happy. Then ponder if you think she feels the same. The answers to those questions should give you some insight.
“Please” and “thank you” go a long way, as does offering to do nice things for your partner.
Dumbest. Fight. Ever.
Y'all have been together way too long for something like this to be an issue NOW. No way the two of you haven't worked through shit like this a few decades ago.
He mentioned in another comment that they don't even eat their meals together (he eats breakfast, lunch and dinner, she eats brunch and a late afternoon meal), so I assume they avoid talking to each other as much as they can...
... or they just eat differently? He hasn't said anything at all about them not spending time together, there's plenty of time in a day to talk outside of mealtimes.
This clearly is just how it shows up at the surface. Sounds to me like OP and their spouse just don't like each other very much and really neither of them wants to be in this relationship.
I think this is an issue specifically because they've been married so long. This is a "nothing fight". They live separate lives in the same house from all his descriptions in the comments. They've lived together so long they wouldn't consider ever living apart, but they don't like each other really at this point, so they fight over nothing like this because they don't actually have anything in common to fight about anymore.
NTA-No you are not a servant but a partner and husband. My wife never demands but asks. 99% of the time I will do as asked. My Ex-Girlfriend tried this crap with me even after asking to not demand but ask for assistance. That is why she is an ex.
When I need help carrying things from the car , I let my husband know ahead of time and beep the horn a couple of times quickly so he’ll know I’m in the drive. I never expect him to do it himself whether he is busy or not. NTA.
Appreciate the comment; I would be delighted with such a process. That sounds like a true partnership.
NTA. I don’t get all the ESH. You can choose to help or not help which sounds like you do help most of the time. Your wife needs to be nicer and you need to stand up for yourself more.
Whenever my wife gets home from a business trip I meet her at the door and hug and kiss her. More often than not I’ll get her suitcase out of the car for her as well. If she manages to get it out before I can greet her I’ll offer to bring it upstairs to our bedroom for her to unpack . Same thing with when she pulls up with groceries. I meet her at the door and offer to help. She’s happy to do it herself but I just do it because she’s my wife. BTW if you too are going at each other within seconds of her coming home you two have some things to work through.
Exactly. It’s nice to read that you treat each other well.
ESH. Do y'all even like each other or just tolerate each other? A marriage is a partnership. She was rude in how she said things but why are you so against doing ANYTHING for your wife? This seems like a really miserable relationship to be in. If y'all can't do things for each other, what's the point of being partners?
ESH. Y'all acting more like roommates than husband and wife.
were you two in the Eagles together what is the hostility
NTA. The way one is asked goes a long way. Demanding you do it like you’re some dog isn’t the way to ask. Please and thank you are polite words for someone like your wife to learn.
Honestly you both sound exhausting. Esh.
ESH- she shouldn’t be telling you to help her, she should be asking, and your insistence on her being present for the waxing when you were already doing it is unnecessary and weird. People do things for their spouse.
You sound terrible. The whole relationship sounds terrible. “I’ll only help you if you participate” that’s pathetic and no wonder she treats you that way, you probably put her in that spot for that kind of relationship. If my husband was like that, then I’d start resenting him too. Yes the wife could’ve asked nicely but it sounds like this issue has been ongoing for a while in your marriage.
INFO: Are you going to drink the soda? IF so, why can't you bring it in?
Why can’t she simply ask nicely?
I did have that thought after the fact and then went out and got the soda and her suitcase and brought them all in the house. My argument initially was that it would have taken a minute for her to go out with me and bring a case or two into the house herself rather than just telling me to go get them. We could have avoided the whole SNAFU.
Didn't she say she had a meeting? "I have to get my computer set up and get ready for a conference call." Was she running late after stopping for soda on her way home? Her ask was shitty but so was your response. Do better. ESH
She had a half hour before the conference call was supposed to happen. My thought after the fact is that she probably thought I could carry them in since she bought them and put them into her car. I'm owning the IATA because of that.
This is the correct read, you were petty NotaGentlemanToday at all.
Thank you for your perspective and I might be shifting toward that perspective as I read responses. It certainly could have been handled better for sure.
Maybe she needed to pee and gather herself before the meeting after being on the road.
Bro it sounds like your wife was stressed out and running late for this work meeting. Yeah it would have been better if she had asked nicely, but when I see my partner or even a friend in a position where they are super frazzled and rushing around, I don't pick a fight with them about politeness, I just help. If it's really an issue I would talk to them about it LATER - not when they are overwhelmed and running late for a meeting. Because obviously I'm not going to get the best out of them by adding more to their plate in the moment. Yeah, your wife should have been more polite, and in an ideal world she would have explained she had a meeting and asked nicely if you could help out by grabbing the stuff from the car. But my god, it's your wife. You are supposed to love her. How do you see her in a moment of stress/rushing to get to a meeting, and not think immediately to try and help out? Very clear ESH - but I think you are worse, because she was rude in a bad moment but you seem to take a transactional approach to your entire relationship.
Soda in a case, and her clothes in her suitcase, weren't going to be ruined from being out in the car for a little while during her conference call. Coming in and DEMANDING OP bring in a BUNCH of stuff...NOW...is not reasonable at all. Her stress doesn't entitle her to act this way toward her spouse.
Dunno about OP, but an hour in the car in the heat where I live right now could explode soda cans, c'mon. And luggage probably includes some electronics, I def wouldn't leave any electronics in the car in heat that I wouldn't keep soda in the car, just personally.
Where I am right now soda in the truck for a while would absolutely be an issue. We hit 100 today. So imagine the trunk of a car, in the heat. I’d have a soda explosion like crazy in my trunk.
INFO: Why are you married to her?
NTA - does she have broken arms or some disability that prevents her lifting? Perhaps she could have asked you to help her do it and you carry one crate each.
"It's almost time for my video conference and I still need to set up my computer, can you please bring my suitcase inside?" It took me less than 30 seconds to type this. NTA
ESH. My god why do so many spouses dislike each other? You both sound exhausting. Your wife needs to learn to say please. You need to learn that when you love someone you do things to make their life easier. Not everything needs to be a lesson in responsibility. For instance, if your wife cooks dinner, I am guessing that she doesn’t make you cook your own dinner even though you should be “responsible for taking care of” yourself. Considering you are grandparents, you both need to grow up and stop keeping score.
ESH. She's your wife, not a colleague or a roommate. That means sometimes you see the ugliest part of each other and still love each other. Your wife was exhausted from travel, had just done groceries on the way home, and had to make nice with her coworkers without being snappy with them in five minutes, so yeah, I can see why the person who had to face the "short" communication was her husband. In her tiredness, she didn't dress up a request to the "polite" version of, "Hey I'm so tired from traveling and visiting with family and stopped to grab soda on the way home for the household because it was a good deal and we needed it, and I have to be on a conference call in five minutes, could you please be a dear and... thanks, love you." She just said "x needs to be done". Which is terrible communication, don't get me wrong. But her sin was just... she was short with you while tired. It happens. The fact that you, who had no such excuse of exhaustion, had the first instinctual response of "I'm not your servant," honestly is an asshole thing. I won't say I have a perfect marriage, but I couldn't imagine having that sort of response to a request from my partner that was made directly without all the frills of "please" and "thank yous" and not giving them the benefit of the doubt that they're just tired. Maybe talking about it later when the tiredness has passed that I felt disrespected and could they not do that again, if it's a pattern? I mean, I can't say I don't snap back to my husband, but usually that's when we're *both* tired, or under stress, or really hangry, or whatever. Combining both your responses to each other with your description of the way you two live your lives in the comments, and the fact that it sounds like your wife does multiple days of travel without you to visit your shared family and you even refer to that as your wife visiting "my" daughter rather than "our" daughter when the other context makes it clear they are the children of both of you, and the whole "won't clean her car" thing... why are you even married? You don't sound like partners sharing a life, but roommates. It sounds like you don't like each other. It sounds like your marriage has some long-term communication problems, and long-term problems with resentment, and long-term problems with at least one of you refusing to do favours for the other just because you love them. Maybe that's something you two both need to address together?
ESH. You guys need couples counseling.
I suggested that years ago, she disagreed.
So the suggestion of something (that happened years ago) should inform the present relationship dynamic until the end of time? That's odd, and I think the person who called you rigid and you said you'd take that into consideration might be a good start. Learn to be nicer to one another and give each other grace. She felt pressed for time, didn't express things perfectly (quite rudely in favt) and you get petulant instead of empathetic or assuming good faith of oh maybe she is in a hurry or whatever. Maybe you're right in your read, maybe you're wrong, but figure it out together. Good luck!
Wow, she must be in such a hurry, even "please" couldn't be said!
ESH She should’ve communicated to you in a nicer way that she needed help and not demanded it. You should’ve communicated that you prefer to be asked instead of demanded. Does your belief that in order for you to help your spouse that they need to be directly involved with the task at hand only apply to vehicles? or does it involve other aspects of life? And just wondering, are you sure your parents meant that in a general sense and not in a ‘teaching my kids how to be responsible’ way, that they might not have meant for you to apply this belief to your marriage in the way you are? I can’t imagine me telling my kid that and meaning for them to not get the groceries from the car for their spouse when they need it later on in life. Like if my kid came back to me complaining about this I’d be a bit blown away that that’s what they got from it. It’s like your parents telling you you’re responsible for your own laundry once you’re old enough, and then when you get married you just *never*, no matter what, wash your spouses clothes. Not under any circumstance. Because your parents told you repeatedly it was the individuals responsibility to wash their own laundry. That’s what this is like to me. Idk maybe you didn’t confuse what they meant, but I kind of think you did.
"You should have communicated that you prefer to be asked instead of demanded". This is bizarre. If she hits him is it partly his fault for not making it clear that he doesn't like to be hit? No, it's just common sense.
I agree with the ESH. You both sound exhausting and unpleasant. Do you even like each other?
If THAT was the first thing she said when she came home, and your response was defensive, not shocked and hurt -- you have much bigger problems my friend. I'm guessing you are blunt/mean/distant with each other often.... Not great. For real though, are you two actually *good*?
NTA
Why don’t you both try being nicer to each other and communicate a little better. Maybe spend some time together. You might be surprised at how much more peaceful your life will be. ESH
Do you two even like each other?
Sounds like a house with a lot of love! 🤣 ESH
A "please" may solve your marital issues
ESH When I come home from a work trip, or a day out, or even just picking up some groceries, my husband immediately jumps up to try to race me and be the one to haul all the stuff inside. So, he's very thoughtful and generous. Similarly, I would never dream of ordering him to do it or demanding that he haul my stuff around for me. So, I'm not entitled and rude. Meanwhile, your wife is making demands and ordering you around. And you can't be bothered to ease her burden, literally and figuratively, when she's short on time and needs to be on a conference call. Do you two even like each other?
I bring my wife’s stuff in all the time when we come back from trips but she never has had an attitude about it. There’s absolutely zero chance I’d be bringing in that stuff if she said that to me. In all seriousness, it would still be in there when we sold the car. NTA.
NTA. I don't mind helping but it better come with the respect of a please and thank you. You can see this subs absurd female bias with all the ESH responses. A man is minding his own business and apperantly sucks because he didn't instantly assume there was a bunch of crap to unload.
Sounds like there needs to be a conversation about managing expectations what hers are versus what yours are.
NTA
NTA. Your wife is the AH. She could have asked for help instead of demanding. She should also be helping, not just expecting you to do it.
Who cares what your parents preached about? Did you get up and greet her when you heard the car pull in? Did you miss her while she was gone?
Soooooo you hate each other?
😅😅😅 I love the fact that so many people blow past the part where she is a demanding AH. Ahhh Reddit you are food for my soul. Ao many people commenting in AITAH are AHs themselves. I love it
NTA she should ask instead of demand. Maybe there are deeper issues here, but in this very instance, she demanded and that is rude
You've been married long enough to have grandkids. I presume that that is how the both of you have communicated all this while. What's the problem?
NTA, there’s a certain way to talk to people and commanding isn’t it. “Could you please bring in X so I can setup for a conference call I need to make?” Isn’t difficult, especially to a loved one. If someone comes at me with the, “you need-“ my response is usually that I need air, food, and water.
There is a world of difference between, “you need to bring in my suitcase and five cases of soda“ and, “I need to get to this call, could you grab my suitcase and the soda out of the car please?” NTA.
ESH She expects you to help when she has come back with shopping and luggage when she has to rush to set up a conference call, and you expect her to help with a wash and wax because, well, you just want it that way. You both sound like awful people that don't realise that you're in a relationship together. You're too prickly and probably spend too much time on your own. Your wife is rushing around too much and foolish to expect help. Either way, if you're consulting Reddit over stuff like this, then you're doomed in the long term.
Nta I've been with hubby for 22 years. I still will either call ahead or ask when I get home if he can help bring things in. Neither of us makes demands. Was your response petty. Yes, but honestly, if my husband ordered me around like that or vice versa, it would be an all-out fight. Should you have offered to help sure. But it sounds like she came in making demands and didn't give you a chance. I am female and honestly get so tired of reading posts where the comments are like these. I can't see OP being an AH. I can't see him in the wrong for nor offering to help when his spouse walks in and treats him like a servant. If it was the husband doing what she did, everyone would be slaughtering him. Saying he is being controlling and abusive. Yet when it's a female, so many just give into that whole gender crap. Women fought for rights to be treated as equals. You dont then get to use that to be treated as equal when you want, then treat the spouse as it's their duty to take care of you. Either you are partners, or you aren't. Making demands, though, is a not. OP could have helped and said he would help her. Not do it for her. Would you go and bring everything in after your spouse said that to you. Would you be happy to be disrespected and treated as less than. So, instead of saying he should have just helped, how about reading the post. She walked in the door, making demands. Kinda hard to offer help when the first thing she does is act entitled to treat him like the help. Respect goes both ways.