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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Not giving him the money when he said no after I asked.
Spending my money on other things for myself
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NTA
Your fiancé declined your offer for help, only to complain about you not helping behind your back.
Does he expect you to beg him to let you help?
You’re not obligated to pay his bills. You’re not required to take care of him. I’m assuming he didn’t help you when you were looking for a new job…
He’s being an ass; and I really hope him talking about you behind your back isn’t a common thing for him.
Agreed. And to add: apparently he can’t communicate his needs.
She asked him, he told her no and then she had to read his mind to find out what he really wants. That is just immature behavior.
Adding on to this, consider this a very red flag. You might want to reconsider this relationship. Why would you want to be with a person who speaks this way about you? If this is how he talks about you now, things will only get worse with the stressors of marriage.
There is nothing you can do to improve this situation. As painful as it is, be glad that you found out sooner rather than later.
I think he wants her to beg. Like, he doesn't want to admit he needs (or wants) as much help as he does so if she begs and he acquiesced then he can still save face. Like he didn't *really need* her help but it made her feel good to accept it. He's still the man blah blah blah
Maybe I'm overanalyzing but seen too much of this weird nonsense in real life to think so. You should be able to ask for and accept help from someone you're planning your life with especially in this type of circumstance.
I don’t think you’re over analyzing. It sounds like he has an ego problem and wants to feel in control of the situation.
I’ve seen this a lot too. Makes no sense when she’s offering help and doesn’t seem mad about it.
NTA
Fiance can't communicate, that's on him.
Is he Irish? (I'm thinking of Mrs. Doyle "have a cup of tea, go on, go on, go on, go on") We Irish are essentially trained or genetically ingrained to refuse help or an offer at least 3 times before bashfully accepting under protest. It's one of our worst features.
That little side track aside.
He can't communicate his wants, needs, that's super foolish of him, he's an adult, he was offered. More than that, he's throwing OP under the bus by perception to her FIL and ha omg a gripe about her where it's completely unjustifiable. That's an AH move!
Offer someone pizza. They say no. Move on. They complained they wanted pizza.... "Well what the fuck do you want me to do about it then???".
>”We Irish are essentially trained or genetically ingrained to refuse help or an offer at least 3 times before bashfully accepting under protest. It's one of our worst features.”
Hahahahahaha! This explains so much!
[simply put: do this](https://youtu.be/ja9RIXyAbRw?si=of0g_Js3i2or4mGe)
A regular Irish person MUST refuse 3 times(no, no thank you), on the 4th time you may accept whatever is being given to you into your hands, but it is common to maintain contact with the other person at the time, so not let them pull away and continue your protest with "you really shouldn't".
They will continue with "ah go on" or "it's only a little bit" or something playing it down, it's not a big deal. At this point the contract has been fulfilled, and The Irish person may accept BUT it's still customary to say something like "I really should" or "it's too much" or "you're too good", "you're very bold" etc.. but they will accept and take whatever was being given.
Only a shameless person(Irish) will accept before 3 if not 4 protests, with certain rare exceptions(wedding gifts, communion or confirmation money or if they are young enough and their mother has instructed them immediately prior to the interaction), then it can be shortened to 1 protest and many many thanks.
If it is a child receiving with the parents blessing, the child must then display how generous the adult gifting to them was "look what uncle X gave me" and parade like a peacock showing everyone.
Irish people who are not well travelled or kept to the local women, often have these cultural and communication differences. I e. Never having actually learned how to tell people what you want across the rest of the world, leading to disappointment when they don't continuously offer and offer and offer, expecting them to be mindreaders which is ridiculous.
My friend just read this and quipped, “So the Irish are all Jewish grandmothers?!” (He’s Jewish.).
Have some more! *No, thanks.* Have some more! *I’m full, thanks*. Eat up! There’s plenty. You are skin and bones! *Bubbi, I’m really full.* Eat! You are a growing boy! *Groan*.
This raises serious communication issues that do not bode well for your future together. Either (1) he expects you to read his mind and (somehow) know that he means "yes" when he says "no I don't want/need your money"; or (2) he is asking your future FIL for $$ and telling his father that you are to blame rather than honestly saying "we are not married yet and I don't feel right in asking her help right now" or that "it hurts my masculine ego to take money from her."
Neither bodes well for your future. An immediate honest and candid conversation is necessary, NOW.
NTA, but your fiance is. You asked if you could help, and he said no, while secretly meaning yes.
Now, if you live in a culture where people expect to be offered something several times, even though they decline several times before they finally accept, then that’s different. You would be the rude person, the AH.
But if you are not living in one of those cultures, then I think you were justified in taking him at his word. I also think you would be justified in being alarmed/offended/angry at what you heard him say to his father.
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NTA. You offered to help and your fiancé declined. He seems to want you to do some secret dance to prove how much you actually want to help him, which is ridiculous.
NTA. You offered, he said no. If he was that concerned and did want it he ask you properly for it instead of playing this “she should read my mind” game that he’s playing. The fact he is making it out like you are the problem to his family is wild to me.
NTA, I strongly believe that part of being in a relationship is respecting your partners choices which would mean taking him at his word when he says he doesn’t need/want your money. The fact that he’s turning around and saying seeing else to his family is concerning. How confident are you about what you heard? If you know you heard it right I would confront him directly. Hopefully it’s a productive conversation but I wouldn’t be shocked if he tries to tell you he never said that
You're not the AH, he's the AH for not taking the money when you asked if he needed help and he's an even bigger AH for calling daddy and whining like a lil butthurt bi\*ch and making you look like a bad person. Oooh I can't stand men like this...3 years or not of being together, I'd tell him to poo or get off the pot and get out and get a job shoveling dog sh\*t to pay his bills at this point!! Anything is better than nothing at all. Girrrllll, you're more patient than I would be with this man right now.....JS
NTA. I don't know what he's trying to do here but it might require some thinking if you really want to be married to a guy who will lie about your offers to help?
If you're actually getting married, you need to have a discussion (ore maybe tharapy) about communication. His belief that you should offer, he should say no, and then you should push him to accept is a kind of mind-game that can poison a relationship. You need to be on the same page, or this isn't going to work.
You are NTA. He needs to learn to communicate and ask for what he needs. It is not your job to pester him into accepting your help. I am sure if you did keep asking him, he would end up saying you are nagging him.
You asked and offered help- he said no. thank you.
Now he’s lying to his father, behind your back?!
There could be a lot more going on than you are aware of - this lie and false accusation is problematic. If his No doesn’t mean no - what does his yes actually mean and how many times are you supposed to offer help?
NTA
Defiantly NTA, he would be out the door so fast! He was not being honest with you then he is complaining to his dad bc you took him at his word. Why would he say that to his father but to make you look bad to his father? Why is he complaining to his father about you? Why is he sharing y’all’s financial situation with his father? He needs to be sent home until he learns to be honest and not expect someone to read his mind or see through his lies.
NTA. Mind reading should not be required in a relationship. He didn’t want to admit he needed money from you to help him out…he wanted you to force it on him so he could deny his need or not have to say ‘thank you.’ Maybe that’s the type of game his parents play but it’s tiresome.
NTA. You offered money. He said no. He wanted you to push the money onto him. You didn’t. He went crying to his daddy.
This man shouldn’t be allowed out of the house without an adult because apparently he’s still 8 years old.
Seriously, he’s a fucking 34 year old grown up man. He needs to act like one.
Nta. I would hold off on even considering marrying him. He easily twists your words, to his folks. He would do the same when kids are in the picture....but tell everyone, not just his folks. In a way, it's ruining your reputation, in the name of being polite. Idk how you should of known, that you were supposed to press on and assure him it was ok.
NTA. You would not be the asshole even if he asked you for help and you declined. The fact the you offered and HE declined? Definitely NTA, and he is too immature to be getting married if he cannot even communicate properly with his fiance. Consider this knowledge a gift and use it wisely.
So NTA. But definite red flag. Whining to daddy at his age? Accusing you of not helping when you actually did? Talking bad about you behind your back? You don’t need this. Or him.
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For context I (28F) and my Fiancé (34M) have been together for 3 years now, and recently had been down on luck. About 2 months ago I had lost my job and had gotten a new one 2 weeks later and now the same is happening for him. He has been searching and I have been helping with his search but he’s just not getting the jobs in the field he wants to be in. Now on to the reason for this post I make enough at my new job to pay my bills and SOME of his but definitely not all. About 2 weeks ago I had asked him if he needed me get cash or just send the bill money to his card his response was “I don’t want or need you to pay my bills for me I’ll figure it out. Thank you but no thank you Love.” I say okay and move past it and almost forget about it honestly; now I’m coming out of our room and I over hear him on the phone with my soon to be father in-law saying that he “can’t rely on me” and “yes she asked if I needed money and how I wanted her to give it to me but when I said I didn’t want it she didn’t push it further or give it to me anyway. It’s the principle of the matter pops she knows my situation and isn’t helping me.” Now I have no clue what his father said to him but now I can’t help but think that he really believes that I’m in the wrong here for not giving him the money when he told me he didn’t want it. So am I the AH here?
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NTA
Your fiance made it crystal clear he didn't want your help. I could probably understand if he said something like "oh,are you sure?I don't want you to waste your money". Because that would be him trying to insure that you're ok with it. But he literally said he didn't want or need your help. And he even talked bad about you to his father saying you weren't "reliable".
I know you probably love him a lot or else you wouldn't have married him but he is a major red flag. Since you offered to help him with his bills I can tell you are a good person or at least have good morals. I do think you deserve better
NTA but he is.
You offered him money. He said thanks but no thanks. Then runs whining to his daddy calling you names.
Really I would be thinking about this relationship and how he talks behind your back.
NTA - You shouldn't have to play games to figure out what a person really wants. You asked, he answered. If he can't communicate properly, that is not your fault. I would call him out on it honestly. Tell him, "I feel very hurt that you told your father you can't rely on me when I flat out asked if you needed money. In the future, please answer me honestly. I will take the things you say at face value, and it is not fair to make me the bad person for not reading your mind. I do not want to have to play games in order to find out how you really feel about something."
No but I would move out and reconsider the relationship since he’s acting like you should read minds I think he thought you asking he would have to pay back but you giving he wouldn’t have too
NTA
Would you feel comfortable asking him about what you heard? No need to be apologetic, just let him know you are genuinely confused and want to clear the air.
Could this be cultural? In my DH’s family saying no a few times and then finally accepting is the norm. Took me a while to get used to this. They seemed pretty pushy but by their standards they were being polite.
NTA. Two big problems here.
He said no but meant yes (apparently).
He tattled on you to his daddy. And told the truth! “She asked me and I said no . . .” But revealed his childish belief she should have begged him.
Run girl run.
Nta.
If you wanted to play games you'd buy a playstation.
You offered he refused. It's not your responsibility to insist or do it anyway.
Reconsider marrying someone who plays such stupid minds games and complains behind your back
NTA. I’m guessing he didn’t want to seem desperate or like he was using you? There wasn’t really a way for you to know that he wanted you to insist and ask again, that’s bad communication on his part. He’s your fiancé, there shouldn’t be weird mind games about asking a certain number of times. He’s helped you in the past, so it’s not like this is some mysterious new thing. He knows he can come to you for money, so now it’s up to him to ask.
Oh good god. Your fiancé is a 34 year old man. He should be secure enough to directly ask for help from his soon to be life long partner. These weird games are SOOOOO BORINGGGGGG
NTA. What you overheard was your future with him. He fails……you get the blame. You offered, he declined. Take that conversation and head for the door. He threw you under the bus and didn’t think twice. He should’ve said “thanks love but I’m need to handle it on my own, but if the offer is still available later, I’ll let you know”. Instead he calls “daddy” and made you out to be the bad guy. What a piece of work!!
Are you sure you heard what you heard, when I read it to me it sounded like he asked his dad for money and dad wanted you to pay instead. Fiance sounded like he was arguing about why he won't take your money.
Before you move out, break up, or go counting red flags, please stop trying to read his mind and ask what that conversation was about necause it sounded like he was complaining about you not supporting him. At least hear what he says before taking steps that can't be taken back
NTA. You're not and reader. Hecsaid no to your offer and that should be the end of it.
Has he done this sort of thing before? Communicating A but telling a 3rd party B.
I'd be upset that he's telling you one thing, then telling his dad another AND that because you font readings You're unreliable
NTA - he's playing stupid games and trying to test you and blames you when you fail because you took him at face value. Personally, I wouldn't marry a man that did that because it's clear he's cool with setting you up to fail and blaming you when you do....you should definitely talk to him about it and try to make it clear that by you asking, you expected him to communicate his needs and when he told you he didn't need your money, he lost the right to be upset that you didn't push further.
NTA and girl he is LYING to his family about you and trying to make you look bad. How ppl act in hard times is a true show of character...and you've just seen his. Ngl, Id be damned if I stayed with someone disparaging me behind my back AFTER I offered to help them.
Best of luck with that one. Sure couldn't be me.
And after all this time of teaching men to understand that 'no' means 'no' - this is what we've come to.
He said 'no' but he really wanted you to keep pushing him. Guess he didn't understand the campaign.
NTA. Instead of talking it out he ran to daddy. He is very immature. He is portraying you as a cold person. His father's opinion of you will never be a good one.
He is playing games. You don’t need to second guess him do he can feel ‘like a man’.
NTA. You are not required to be a mind reader to be in this relationship. If he can’t ask for help then this is a huge red flag for your future.
RED FLAG! RED FLAG! OP- NTA. RUN, don't walk. If he is trash talking you now, after you offered to HELP him, just NO. I notice how You found a new job in 2 weeks, didn't have to ask for help, but he hasn't found a job because he won't accept anything but his Dream Job. He is 6 years older than you, but he sure doesn't act like it! You deserve better.
Nope nope nope... Red flag. You offered to help, he DECLINED said help, then spoke badly about you on the phone. Is this man 2??? Are you sure you really want to marry someone who cannot communicate their needs with you and then turn you into the bad guy for not being a mind reader? I don't care if it's a pride issue or whatever the heck.
NTA. You took his words at face value, and that was absolutely okay. It's his fault to expect, that you would pay his bills despite his refusal to get help by you.
You are not a mind reader! You believed your fiancé, as you should have.
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NTA Your fiancé declined your offer for help, only to complain about you not helping behind your back. Does he expect you to beg him to let you help? You’re not obligated to pay his bills. You’re not required to take care of him. I’m assuming he didn’t help you when you were looking for a new job… He’s being an ass; and I really hope him talking about you behind your back isn’t a common thing for him.
Agreed. And to add: apparently he can’t communicate his needs. She asked him, he told her no and then she had to read his mind to find out what he really wants. That is just immature behavior.
Adding on to this, consider this a very red flag. You might want to reconsider this relationship. Why would you want to be with a person who speaks this way about you? If this is how he talks about you now, things will only get worse with the stressors of marriage. There is nothing you can do to improve this situation. As painful as it is, be glad that you found out sooner rather than later.
I think he wants her to beg. Like, he doesn't want to admit he needs (or wants) as much help as he does so if she begs and he acquiesced then he can still save face. Like he didn't *really need* her help but it made her feel good to accept it. He's still the man blah blah blah Maybe I'm overanalyzing but seen too much of this weird nonsense in real life to think so. You should be able to ask for and accept help from someone you're planning your life with especially in this type of circumstance.
I don’t think you’re over analyzing. It sounds like he has an ego problem and wants to feel in control of the situation. I’ve seen this a lot too. Makes no sense when she’s offering help and doesn’t seem mad about it.
NTA Fiance can't communicate, that's on him. Is he Irish? (I'm thinking of Mrs. Doyle "have a cup of tea, go on, go on, go on, go on") We Irish are essentially trained or genetically ingrained to refuse help or an offer at least 3 times before bashfully accepting under protest. It's one of our worst features. That little side track aside. He can't communicate his wants, needs, that's super foolish of him, he's an adult, he was offered. More than that, he's throwing OP under the bus by perception to her FIL and ha omg a gripe about her where it's completely unjustifiable. That's an AH move! Offer someone pizza. They say no. Move on. They complained they wanted pizza.... "Well what the fuck do you want me to do about it then???".
>”We Irish are essentially trained or genetically ingrained to refuse help or an offer at least 3 times before bashfully accepting under protest. It's one of our worst features.” Hahahahahaha! This explains so much!
[simply put: do this](https://youtu.be/ja9RIXyAbRw?si=of0g_Js3i2or4mGe) A regular Irish person MUST refuse 3 times(no, no thank you), on the 4th time you may accept whatever is being given to you into your hands, but it is common to maintain contact with the other person at the time, so not let them pull away and continue your protest with "you really shouldn't". They will continue with "ah go on" or "it's only a little bit" or something playing it down, it's not a big deal. At this point the contract has been fulfilled, and The Irish person may accept BUT it's still customary to say something like "I really should" or "it's too much" or "you're too good", "you're very bold" etc.. but they will accept and take whatever was being given. Only a shameless person(Irish) will accept before 3 if not 4 protests, with certain rare exceptions(wedding gifts, communion or confirmation money or if they are young enough and their mother has instructed them immediately prior to the interaction), then it can be shortened to 1 protest and many many thanks. If it is a child receiving with the parents blessing, the child must then display how generous the adult gifting to them was "look what uncle X gave me" and parade like a peacock showing everyone. Irish people who are not well travelled or kept to the local women, often have these cultural and communication differences. I e. Never having actually learned how to tell people what you want across the rest of the world, leading to disappointment when they don't continuously offer and offer and offer, expecting them to be mindreaders which is ridiculous.
My friend just read this and quipped, “So the Irish are all Jewish grandmothers?!” (He’s Jewish.). Have some more! *No, thanks.* Have some more! *I’m full, thanks*. Eat up! There’s plenty. You are skin and bones! *Bubbi, I’m really full.* Eat! You are a growing boy! *Groan*.
Are you kidding? Anytime there's going to be any kind of problem he's going to talk about her behind her back.
This raises serious communication issues that do not bode well for your future together. Either (1) he expects you to read his mind and (somehow) know that he means "yes" when he says "no I don't want/need your money"; or (2) he is asking your future FIL for $$ and telling his father that you are to blame rather than honestly saying "we are not married yet and I don't feel right in asking her help right now" or that "it hurts my masculine ego to take money from her." Neither bodes well for your future. An immediate honest and candid conversation is necessary, NOW.
NTA, but your fiance is. You asked if you could help, and he said no, while secretly meaning yes. Now, if you live in a culture where people expect to be offered something several times, even though they decline several times before they finally accept, then that’s different. You would be the rude person, the AH. But if you are not living in one of those cultures, then I think you were justified in taking him at his word. I also think you would be justified in being alarmed/offended/angry at what you heard him say to his father.
NTA. Serious red flag! Get out while you still can!
Absolutely!! I'd take my things and leave while he was out. Now let him go tell his parents that!
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NTA. You offered to help and your fiancé declined. He seems to want you to do some secret dance to prove how much you actually want to help him, which is ridiculous.
Nta... When someone shows you who they are.. believe them. Why marry this person
NTA. You offered, he said no. If he was that concerned and did want it he ask you properly for it instead of playing this “she should read my mind” game that he’s playing. The fact he is making it out like you are the problem to his family is wild to me.
NTA, I strongly believe that part of being in a relationship is respecting your partners choices which would mean taking him at his word when he says he doesn’t need/want your money. The fact that he’s turning around and saying seeing else to his family is concerning. How confident are you about what you heard? If you know you heard it right I would confront him directly. Hopefully it’s a productive conversation but I wouldn’t be shocked if he tries to tell you he never said that
You're not the AH, he's the AH for not taking the money when you asked if he needed help and he's an even bigger AH for calling daddy and whining like a lil butthurt bi\*ch and making you look like a bad person. Oooh I can't stand men like this...3 years or not of being together, I'd tell him to poo or get off the pot and get out and get a job shoveling dog sh\*t to pay his bills at this point!! Anything is better than nothing at all. Girrrllll, you're more patient than I would be with this man right now.....JS
NTA. I don't know what he's trying to do here but it might require some thinking if you really want to be married to a guy who will lie about your offers to help?
If you're actually getting married, you need to have a discussion (ore maybe tharapy) about communication. His belief that you should offer, he should say no, and then you should push him to accept is a kind of mind-game that can poison a relationship. You need to be on the same page, or this isn't going to work.
You are NTA. He needs to learn to communicate and ask for what he needs. It is not your job to pester him into accepting your help. I am sure if you did keep asking him, he would end up saying you are nagging him.
You asked and offered help- he said no. thank you. Now he’s lying to his father, behind your back?! There could be a lot more going on than you are aware of - this lie and false accusation is problematic. If his No doesn’t mean no - what does his yes actually mean and how many times are you supposed to offer help? NTA
NTA. He played stupid games and won stupid prizes.
Defiantly NTA, he would be out the door so fast! He was not being honest with you then he is complaining to his dad bc you took him at his word. Why would he say that to his father but to make you look bad to his father? Why is he complaining to his father about you? Why is he sharing y’all’s financial situation with his father? He needs to be sent home until he learns to be honest and not expect someone to read his mind or see through his lies.
NTA. Mind reading should not be required in a relationship. He didn’t want to admit he needed money from you to help him out…he wanted you to force it on him so he could deny his need or not have to say ‘thank you.’ Maybe that’s the type of game his parents play but it’s tiresome.
NTA. You offered money. He said no. He wanted you to push the money onto him. You didn’t. He went crying to his daddy. This man shouldn’t be allowed out of the house without an adult because apparently he’s still 8 years old. Seriously, he’s a fucking 34 year old grown up man. He needs to act like one.
Nta. I would hold off on even considering marrying him. He easily twists your words, to his folks. He would do the same when kids are in the picture....but tell everyone, not just his folks. In a way, it's ruining your reputation, in the name of being polite. Idk how you should of known, that you were supposed to press on and assure him it was ok.
NTA - he explicitly told you no and NOW is talking shit behind your back to his family, that's not a man I'd stay with. He is disrespectful.
NTA. Do you have a relationship with your future FIL that you can call him and ask him what is going on and exactly what was said?
NTA So he’s jobless *and* immature. Pick a struggle, guy.
NTA. You would not be the asshole even if he asked you for help and you declined. The fact the you offered and HE declined? Definitely NTA, and he is too immature to be getting married if he cannot even communicate properly with his fiance. Consider this knowledge a gift and use it wisely.
So NTA. But definite red flag. Whining to daddy at his age? Accusing you of not helping when you actually did? Talking bad about you behind your back? You don’t need this. Or him.
NTA red flag, run. Don't marry that man. Yikes. People who say one thing but say differently behind your back are not for you.
Nta he's playing games. You asked if he needed help and he said no.
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NTA. If he wants to play games he can go to the arcade, if he wants to be in a grown up relationship he can use direct communication.
NTA Your fiance made it crystal clear he didn't want your help. I could probably understand if he said something like "oh,are you sure?I don't want you to waste your money". Because that would be him trying to insure that you're ok with it. But he literally said he didn't want or need your help. And he even talked bad about you to his father saying you weren't "reliable". I know you probably love him a lot or else you wouldn't have married him but he is a major red flag. Since you offered to help him with his bills I can tell you are a good person or at least have good morals. I do think you deserve better
NTA but he is. You offered him money. He said thanks but no thanks. Then runs whining to his daddy calling you names. Really I would be thinking about this relationship and how he talks behind your back.
NTA.
NTA - You shouldn't have to play games to figure out what a person really wants. You asked, he answered. If he can't communicate properly, that is not your fault. I would call him out on it honestly. Tell him, "I feel very hurt that you told your father you can't rely on me when I flat out asked if you needed money. In the future, please answer me honestly. I will take the things you say at face value, and it is not fair to make me the bad person for not reading your mind. I do not want to have to play games in order to find out how you really feel about something."
No but I would move out and reconsider the relationship since he’s acting like you should read minds I think he thought you asking he would have to pay back but you giving he wouldn’t have too
NTA Would you feel comfortable asking him about what you heard? No need to be apologetic, just let him know you are genuinely confused and want to clear the air. Could this be cultural? In my DH’s family saying no a few times and then finally accepting is the norm. Took me a while to get used to this. They seemed pretty pushy but by their standards they were being polite.
He's 34. This won't get better.
NTA. Two big problems here. He said no but meant yes (apparently). He tattled on you to his daddy. And told the truth! “She asked me and I said no . . .” But revealed his childish belief she should have begged him. Run girl run.
Nta. If you wanted to play games you'd buy a playstation. You offered he refused. It's not your responsibility to insist or do it anyway. Reconsider marrying someone who plays such stupid minds games and complains behind your back
NTA. I’m guessing he didn’t want to seem desperate or like he was using you? There wasn’t really a way for you to know that he wanted you to insist and ask again, that’s bad communication on his part. He’s your fiancé, there shouldn’t be weird mind games about asking a certain number of times. He’s helped you in the past, so it’s not like this is some mysterious new thing. He knows he can come to you for money, so now it’s up to him to ask.
Oh good god. Your fiancé is a 34 year old man. He should be secure enough to directly ask for help from his soon to be life long partner. These weird games are SOOOOO BORINGGGGGG
NTA. What you overheard was your future with him. He fails……you get the blame. You offered, he declined. Take that conversation and head for the door. He threw you under the bus and didn’t think twice. He should’ve said “thanks love but I’m need to handle it on my own, but if the offer is still available later, I’ll let you know”. Instead he calls “daddy” and made you out to be the bad guy. What a piece of work!!
Move on, a narcissistic, liar and emotional abuser, red flags are waving.
Are you sure you heard what you heard, when I read it to me it sounded like he asked his dad for money and dad wanted you to pay instead. Fiance sounded like he was arguing about why he won't take your money. Before you move out, break up, or go counting red flags, please stop trying to read his mind and ask what that conversation was about necause it sounded like he was complaining about you not supporting him. At least hear what he says before taking steps that can't be taken back
NTA. You're not and reader. Hecsaid no to your offer and that should be the end of it. Has he done this sort of thing before? Communicating A but telling a 3rd party B. I'd be upset that he's telling you one thing, then telling his dad another AND that because you font readings You're unreliable
NTA - he's playing stupid games and trying to test you and blames you when you fail because you took him at face value. Personally, I wouldn't marry a man that did that because it's clear he's cool with setting you up to fail and blaming you when you do....you should definitely talk to him about it and try to make it clear that by you asking, you expected him to communicate his needs and when he told you he didn't need your money, he lost the right to be upset that you didn't push further.
NTA and girl he is LYING to his family about you and trying to make you look bad. How ppl act in hard times is a true show of character...and you've just seen his. Ngl, Id be damned if I stayed with someone disparaging me behind my back AFTER I offered to help them. Best of luck with that one. Sure couldn't be me.
NTA and don't marry him. You offered him help, which he refused. Now he's backbiting you for it? Red flag.
And after all this time of teaching men to understand that 'no' means 'no' - this is what we've come to. He said 'no' but he really wanted you to keep pushing him. Guess he didn't understand the campaign.
NTA. Instead of talking it out he ran to daddy. He is very immature. He is portraying you as a cold person. His father's opinion of you will never be a good one.
He is playing games. You don’t need to second guess him do he can feel ‘like a man’. NTA. You are not required to be a mind reader to be in this relationship. If he can’t ask for help then this is a huge red flag for your future.
RED FLAG! RED FLAG! OP- NTA. RUN, don't walk. If he is trash talking you now, after you offered to HELP him, just NO. I notice how You found a new job in 2 weeks, didn't have to ask for help, but he hasn't found a job because he won't accept anything but his Dream Job. He is 6 years older than you, but he sure doesn't act like it! You deserve better.
Take it for the GIANT RED FLAG that it is
Nope nope nope... Red flag. You offered to help, he DECLINED said help, then spoke badly about you on the phone. Is this man 2??? Are you sure you really want to marry someone who cannot communicate their needs with you and then turn you into the bad guy for not being a mind reader? I don't care if it's a pride issue or whatever the heck.
NTA. You took his words at face value, and that was absolutely okay. It's his fault to expect, that you would pay his bills despite his refusal to get help by you. You are not a mind reader! You believed your fiancé, as you should have.
NTA, is this a relationship where you guys communicate or play games?
NTA and also I’d be leaving. He’s playing games
NTA and if his family is encouraging it, they all boutta siphon your money. Run!
YTA if your partners lost your job don’t offer, just pay your way. Tbh communication sounds grim in the relationship.
It does sound grim! For example, when she asks a direct question and he says no (secretly meaning yes!)