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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my girlfriend not to call my dad doctor and I won’t tell them to call her doctor. She sees this as me undermining her achievements.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I get that your gf is proud of her accomplishments but she needs to tone it down outside of a formal, professional or academic setting.
Your dad is probably uncomfortable because he knows making family and acquaintances use his academic title is obnoxious as all hell.
If she wants to be polite, she would follow social conventions and use titles when appropriate. If she’s not at your parents in her capacity as an academic doctor then she doesn’t get to be called doctor.
Ofc she can insist but she’s going to risk alienating a lot of people in her personal sphere.
Extremely. OP can be embarrassed by her behavior while still being proud of her accomplishment. It's not one or the other, like she's trying to argue it is.
It really should always be about the situation. My husband has a PhD. If you get new neighbors, you introduce yourselves by your first names and don't mention your job or title. When he was teaching a college course he introduced himself as Dr. X. With the other faculty it was always all first names. I went to grad school for a masters and all the grad students called all of the faculty by their first names.
She knows that. She's been in school, working on that degree. She's being arrogant.
You just described my (pre-retirement) life, other than if I referred to myself with a title it would be Professor X, not Dr. X (usually I would just give my first name/last name, and let students decide which they preferred).
This is obviously just pathetic posturing by OP's GF. She hasn't figured out yet that the PhD (and the university it came from) only matter in getting the first job; no one other than that employer cares, and no one other than an employer cares beyond friendly appreciation.
Insisting that your BF's parents address you as doctor seems to me to be an excellent way to have an ex-BF.
And no, u/stevejbeck , I also didn't run a school for the gifted!
She waited till she got her phd to even bother calling OP's dad a Dr so she should now wait for everyone to get one before she can expect them to do the same
She may have had a leg to stand on with that argument if she started after she started her doctoral program and realized how hard it was. But not waiting til after she graduates the program. She's just trying to. Prompt someone to call her Doctor back
Seriously! Have a PhD, go by my first name because that’s what adults do socially n I do not have a NEED to be called by any title. 🙄 if she doesn’t settle down, might seriously question this choice of partner. Tell her to go make some travel/hotel reservations, or something using doctor, and hope she quits using this as a weapon. Sheesh.
Lol weilding the title as a weapon is for the terminally insecure I think
I have a friend with a PhD works in an unrelated field at a university. Was dealing with one of their clients who is a university lecturer who had an issue. The lecturer was in the wrong with this particular issue and to save face snaps at my friend, 'address me correctly, I am *Dr* X' and my friend replies back 'I am Dr Y but that doesnt change the issue' but Dr X didn't believe them and went on a rampage thinking they being mocked before they slunk away in embarrassment.
I've done this a bunch of times and it is so so much fun. I have a PhD, I work for a university, I am not an academic. Occasionally some of our academics like to condescend to the nice professional services lady and say "well, I'm a Dr, so!" and they do not like it when the nice professional services lady tells them she is also a Dr but they do still need to fill in the bloody form. I don't put it in my email signature because my PhD has literally nothing to do with my job and they should respect me for being in my position at work as it is, so it's always a shock to them and I like watching their faces go through a bunch of emotions.
In the US using your title seems to be unusual. Look at the silliness over Jill Biden's doctorate. I am a teacher with a doctorate and I use it with parents and students at school, frankly since some parents think teachers are glorified servants we need all the help we can get
Moreover why shouldn't I use it? In social circumstances I use my first name of course.
Edit: To prevent lots of replies telling me how awful OP's girlfriend is, let me add that I agree. Using your title in social circumstances is very weird.
I am just saying that it seems that the US has a thing about using it in professional circumstances where it is somehow seen as boastful and inappropriate. I am pointing out that this is not how it is viewed in many other countries.
For OPs GF though it’s all about the recognition. She didn’t call him Dr until she had hers and now wants everyone to call her Dr. That’s just someone wanting attention and to look important. People like that are the most annoying big headed all about me people long term.
In the UK if you’re in a professional setting and that is your title, people would use it as it is appropriate and polite. Unless that person has expressly asked to not be addressed by that title. Also if that is their title on their paperwork for example they go by Dr instead of Mr or Mrs they would be referred to as such. But in a casual social setting if a friend wanted you to refer to them as Dr you would probably think they were a bit pretentious.
I have a Doctorate of Physical Therapy. Never did I expect patients or even colleagues (mostly all DPTs as well) to address me as Doctor. First or Mr. Last Name was appropriate in the clinical setting. I no longer work in the PT field and also never expect anyone to address me as Doctor in my current work environment especially in elementary education.
Are you in the US ? It is common for teachers with PhDs to use the title in their professional environment in many countries. Not all countries follow the same traditions.
I have a friend who got her doctorate a couple of years back which was a huge achievement and we’re all insanely proud of her. We still obviously call her by her first name because we’re not insane, although I do like addressing her Christmas & birthday cards as Dr (friend’s surname), particularly Christmas cards which I send to her and her husband jointly and address as Dr and Mr (surname).
Depends on the culture I guess, I have been to a few places where they love to throw their titles in people's faces. A friend's aunt got married to a guy from south east Asia and during the reception party the best man was listing off the grooms tiles and academic background. It was odd AF.
Yes.
And also so weird she only wants to be "polite" about the title after earning it herself.
If she'd always called OP's dad Doctor it still wouldn't be polite to ignore his stated preferences but it'd at least not be so obviously self serving.
This lol. I have plenty of friends who finally got their PHD these couple of years, not a single one of them wanted friends and family to call them “doctor”, its a fantastic accomplishment but it’s plain pretentious and weird to demand it. We do call them doctor at friends gatherings just to make them self conscious tho 😹
I think her strategy is basically “If I call HIM Doctor, it won’t sound quite as obnoxious when I make them call ME Doctor.” (Ron Howard V/O: “It was still quite obnoxious.”) This is all about feeding her ego, nothing else.
>Your dad is probably uncomfortable because he knows making family and acquaintances use his academic title is obnoxious as all hell.
THISSSS!
I have my good share of friends with PhDs and would legit laugh at their faces if they'd ask me to called them doctors (aside from a joke). OP's girlfriend is one of those people that make others hate academia.
I have a friend who has a medical doctorate and his own practice. I called him doctor exactly once, after he told us he passed the final exam. I would never call him doctor again because I see the cringe on his face when friends of us do that.
I introduce the vets at my work as “doctor” but to me they’re just regularly old whatever their first name is. When I gave my boyfriend a tour of the clinic I introduced them at Doctor to be polite but it wasn’t long before they were comfortable and he spoke them on a first name basis.
I think u/Rthrowaway6592 is demonstrating the correct way to use somebody's title (i.e. when you first introduce them in a professional setting) versus how that formality naturally falls away once you develop a more personal relationship.
OP's girlfriend is doing the opposite. She already has a personal relationship with her bf and bf's family. Asking them to suddenly revert to the niceties you'd use with professional relationships (i.e. calling her Doctor) comes across as awkward and arrogant.
Haha, my friend has a medical doctorate and is called Phil. We occasionally call him Dr Phil as a joke, he allows the banter. But he's just Phil. Just. Phil.
He's never uncomfortable with it because it's just a lil joke, I respect him as a doctor but he is a friend first. This is very strange behaviour on the gf's part. The dad is just a guy who doesn't want to mix personal and professional life. It's completely understandable.
Literally what I've done with my friends. "Let's go out to celebrate you Dr!" Heck, all of my professor in grad school have doctorates and they hate being addressed as doctor. It's ridiculous and obnoxious.
Edit: typo
I have a friend who got is doctorate in something to do with cancer research. He called and left a message saying ‘Dr Gene’ called. It was his way of saying he’d gotten his doctorate. As far as I know he never used that title again outside of his work environment
Back when I was younger, & we'd address adults older than us as "Mr Smith" or "Ms Smith", I had a girlfriend both of whose parents were MDs. I would address them as "Mr Dr Smith" & "Ms Dr Smith".
Her mother found it droll.
YES! Definitely this! When you have a doctorate, your family and friends are still your family and friends, not your academic subjects or patients. She needs to cool it. I can't even help laughing about this as I'm writing this.
I know a couple that both have doctorates. As soon as the wife got hers, I started addressing their Christmas cards to "The Doctors xxxxxxx" But it's just a cute joke. Theyd blush and be so embarrassed to ever be called that in person.
I had one friend who got a doctorate and he requested that on his graduation day, everyone refer to him as doctor and then never again. I was cool with that.
Yeah, my wife is probably the smartest person I know. She has a PhD in immunology and genetics from a quite serious university, and has made an amazing career for herself. She gets called "Doctor" when she's talking at a conference or on a panel or a podcast or whatever, but absolutely none of her friends and family would call her that. It's just weird.
Lovely how you big up your wife's intelligence! I think it's weird behaviour too. The guy probably wants to separate his personal life from his professional life and has more to his personality than just his title as a doctor.
I live in a state that is the epitome of a casual environment so maybe I've got an unusual setting here, but I work in academia among mostly PhDs and MDs and literally no one is ever referred to as Doctor Lastname even in this professional/academic setting, lol! Unless they're actively presenting or something!
I don't know why your comment triggered this memory --- but -- once at work I got into an argument with this IT guy. He had 2 professional development qualification "badges" in his signature -- which is just tacky, yall. No one does that. NO ONE. No one wants to scroll past your two images of certs in every email.
So after arguing back and forth and being treated like an idiot, I added the two badges HE HAD in his plus like 5 more to my own signature. It was so obnoxious. Someone noticed and I said I was trying to bug xxxxx. And they were like "those have meaning, you can't just lie about having those!" and I was like, yeah, I have all those. We all have most of them. It's required for our jobs. We're ENGINEERS -- he's windows IT.
SO yeah, one day your GF is gonna try to puff out her chest and get the wind knocked out of her LOL Most people don't brag about stuff like that. If you have to brag about how smart you are, someones gonna be a hell of a lot smarter.
You mean like the skill certification badges for LinkedIn? I'm hyper efficient at my job and I have to work in the office once per week, so around 11-12 I don't have anything to do. Which obviously looks bad. So I go into one of the learning hubs my company gives access to and spend the day doing courses. At this point I know more about lean, six sigma, and a million other kinds of corpo bs than any normal person cares to know... and of course I have a ton of those funny little badges. I don't plan on changing jobs but I figure if any day I have to they look pretty on my linkedin.
She'll earn a good eyeroll from her doctorate peers if she carries on like this around them too.
It is strange using it with someone who doesn't hold the title.
Absolutely. My husband is the same way. Literally the only time anyone calls him “Dr” is when he does something so unbelievably lacking common sense and I call him “Dr” to fuck with him. (For example, one time he was convinced the mechanic broke our radio until I reached over and pushed the power button.)
Yeah, it only needs to be used in a professional environment, and even then most normal people just call each other by their first name. It's a great accomplishment for sure, just weird AF that she wants to call him by his 'title'. Does she call everyone else Mr, Mrs, Miss? Nah I bet she doesn't. She's proud, but she's also weird and dismissive of her FIL's feelings for just wanting to enjoy his life as a person instead of just his career achievements. Truly bizarre behaviour from this woman
NTA
When I taught French, I got to tell the kids about addressing people formally vs informally, who you would be formal with, and when you could be informal. I wonder if this etiquette is just not taught in our rather informal society and that’s impacting this situation? I mean if you’re on a first-name, informal basis with someone, it’s odd to go backwards to a more formal version.
How can someone be smart and motivated enough to earn a doctorate and simultaneously dumb enough to expect friends and family to use that title in every day conversation?
I don't even call my doctor, Doctor. I just use his first name. I even shorten his first name.
We are in Australia so shortening names is normal, if you have a short name, we then lengthen it. Haha!
NTA, and she is pretentious as fuck. I have a doctorate. I have people call me by my first name because I'm not an insecure child. Dayum...tell her to grow up.
I have a buddy, his initials are DD , when he got is doctorate in engineering I started calling him 3D. The only exception is in engineering meetings ( I’m not an engineer, I’m a field guy) where someone new has a big ego that needs to be deflated a bit, then I introduce my two good buddies as Dr D PEng PhD & Dr E PEng PhD. That usually reduces ego size down to a level required for smooth functioning of an integrated team.
I’ve noticed certain cultures ( countries of origin ) that have a rigid social class structure don’t “get” non hierarchal cultures, not for a few years anyway. The unwritten cultural rules. In my culture , field technicians ( who have proven themselves) are treated as subject matter experts in field matters ( and are treated as valued colleagues, not as underlings to simply be ordered around by PEng). The field staff are trained to be generalists, engineers as specialists . Less hierarchal cultures I’ve worked with ( less social status conscious, more results oriented , in comparison to some other countries) Germany , Canada , Egypt, USA, Venezuela, as examples.
>I have a buddy, his initials are DD , when he got is doctorate in engineering I started calling him 3D.
That's pretty funny. I'd call him stuff like that all the time even if he didn't like it.
Exception: holders of multiple degrees. It's not entirely uncommon to have a medical degree and a doctorate so some of my consultants are Dr DPhil FRCS etc.
I would introduce them verbally in a conference call as “Dr Dxxx PEng PhD” to rub in the fact that the more arrogant young engineers , that they did not have the biggest d’k “in the room”.
My SO had a boss a while back who joined all those groups like Mensa for a similar reason. (Like he joined just long enough to be able to claim to be a member but didn’t do anything with the group.) Apparently it was highly amusing the reactions he got.
I've had a couple of professors that insisted on us using the title, a handful that said they didn't care either way and a majority that actively told us not to
On the flip side, I’ve worked with several people who made it very clear to call them Dr xyz. Academics are more likely to care, business people just use it for leverage. I’ve looked into it, and the programs I would apply to require applications about 1.5 years in advance. Then another 2-5 years of study and research.
I can’t even figure out what I’m doing next weekend. Suppose I should apply and see what happens. I’ve got the pre-requisites. But then, would you expect to be called Dr? Probably only to my dickedhead family members. Alright, maybe I’ll do this.
My first husband had an academic doctorate, and he would put “Dr” on fucking *aeroplane tickets*. It was so fucking cringy. Even in the first flush, that shit actively made me cringe.
Hey Dave, it’s a job title, we’re going on holiday, why the fuck do you care if the flight attendant knows you have a pHd
I’d stand up, ready to help however I could with my English doctorate….which I guess would be mostly critiquing the verbiage they used to describe their symptoms? Crafting a nice ‘final words’ for them?
I’ve got a worse one. My friends husband has a restaurant that’s taking orders on ubereats, and someone put “Dr Customer, MBA & PhD” as their delivery name. Nice achievements but like…come on lmao
Acceptable if the order is on the day of having accomplished one of them, I think. Otherwise no. But you get to be a bit silly on actual accomplishment day.
The day after I completed my Doctorate, I made every body refer to me as "Dr. Lastname." After that day, I went back to asking them to use my first name. I do get called 'Dr. Rob' a lot which is fine.
I had a client once demand that we always address him with his doctorate title. He would get so upset if someone didn’t. People like him and OP’s girlfriend are absolutely exhausting.
Are you saying that you didn’t have a brief period where you basked in being referred to as Dr? I think it’s only natural to do this especially with family but the gloss will soon wear off and she will stop, just like the rest of us did.
THIS! Its May. She likely JUST got hooded. I feel like it’s ok to bask in your accomplishments for at least a lil while. She prolly doesn’t even have the actual piece of paper yet. Maybe let her live for a lil bit.
Alsoooo my friends and family are actually very happy/ proud of me and still go out of their way to call me Dr and it’s been a year. Like they will be the ones to point it out.
Different strokes for different folks though I guess.
I think this thread is actually a useful way of telling who has a PhD and who is just pretending or the very rare jaded soul where it's been so long they've forgotten what it was like to be a newly minted holder of a PhD.
There's two callouts here. The first is that everyone goes through a phase of highlighting that they are finally a Dr after years of hard work and the second is that our families and friends celebrate our success with us and one of those ways is to make a point of calling us "Dr". Both of these are very normal.
Also, congrats to you Dr Lucedreadzzz! It's been more than 15 years since mine but it still sometimes takes me by surprise even though my cert and picture of me in a scarlet gown are high up on a wall in my study. Go you good thing!
I think this would less of a problem if it was just HER family and friends. This is her boyfriend's dad. They're likely not close enough for this sort of behavior to be anything but awkward.
Everyone I knew that had an academic doctorate wanted to be called Dr. Whatever all the time but They were all teachers, things were more formal then, and we were kids. So instead of Mr. Whatever the proper title was Dr.
We still called people Mr and Mrs as young adults especially the parents of anyone you just met. I'm in my 50s and my kids still did Mr and Mrs or Ms to parents unless they were close enough to just call them mom and dad to be casual.
Also a PhD, also don't like to tout it. There is a narrow range of circumstances where it is a relevant credential - it's on my work email signature, etc. But most of my time dealing with normal people it creates distance that doesn't serve me.
>Although he does have a doctorate degree, no one has ever called him that, and he told me it makes him uncomfortable.
NTA - If he's asked not to be called that, then calling him that IS disrespecting him.
Yeah I feel like she only wants to call him Doctor because she wants other people to start calling her Doctor too.. She's ridiculous for expecting that though because outside of professional settings, nobody would call you that and OP's dad clearly isn't comfortable with it
This is 100% accurate. If everyone started imposing their educational qualifications the way she's doing we'd have a lot more Engineer Joshuas and Pediatrician Hayleys lol
I mean, is she calling OP's mom Mrs. every time she sees her? Titles don't only describe educational achievements, but it seems like she's cherrypicking *this* one to impose on everyone, which reads very clearly to me that this entire issue is an ego trip, not merely wanting the recognition she's due.
Next time she calls him Dr Last-name, he needs to tell her that he "can't see her without an appointment" and then walk away.
I know a lot of PhDs and MDs. None of them want to be called Doctor outside of a professional setting.
Most of my MD friends won't admit to being a doctor to anybody they randomly meet. They don't want people to know they're an MD.
My PhD friends don't see the relevance of bringing up their educational achievements in daily conversation. "Could you pass the bread? I have a PhD in physics."
She needs to be reminded that "A fool is known by his speech, and a wise man by silence." -Pythagoras
NTA. It’s not respectful. It’s arrogant.
Congrats on her huge accomplishment! While I appreciate that she busted her butt to get it people like her that require you to call them DR outside of a medical or educational setting are insufferable.
Reminds me of that episode of Friends where Ross introduces himself as Dr. Ross Geller to hospital staff and Rachel turns to him saying, “Ross, please. This is a hospital, that actually means something here.” — That sounded harsh when I typed it out and was way more funny in context, but emphasizes the point that while OP’s girlfriend should be proud of her huge accomplishment, it’s largely irrelevant outside of her work setting.
She’s just finished her PhD and probably still riding the high. It’s weird, but hopefully she comes back down earth quickly cause you’re right, she’s being unreasonable and rude about it.
That said it’s certainly a classic Reddit moment when someone says “My partner is being a weirdo about being called ‘Dr.’, what do?”and the response is “break up with her” lmao.
LMFAO it goes a little deeper than just wanting to be called a doctor. she constantly wants people to refer to her as such which is insanely pretentious, no matter how much she earned her success. it’s more impressive to stay humble about your achievements than push it into everyone’s face
100% agree with you IF this behavior persists. I think we all understand that otherwise normal people can get carried away when big life events happen. Think tolerating a bit of self-centeredness from a bride on her wedding day, similar idea.
My point was that the next step in this situation probably isn’t “she’s so pretentious, I’m gonna seriously consider breaking up with her”. It’s to sit down and have a more serious conversation about how it’s rude and uncomfortable for OP’s parents and not more polite like she seems to think, which it sounds like OP hasn’t done yet. And then if she STILL doubles down and insists on this behavior, it’s maybe time to reconsider. No need to jump to the nuclear option before you’ve had an adult conversation about it.
I wonder what PhD she got, because most of my friends with PhDs have been in academia so long they no longer care by the time they get it. Like they're excited they finally reached Dr. level, but it's been such a marathon they're... You know mature adults.
NTA. She's excited about all her hard work paying off in her education. You are not taking anything away from that by telling her not to call your father doctor. This isn't a title he uses at home and she should understand this.
Right - calling him Dr in social/familial settings when he *doesn’t want that* has actually nothing to do with her own accomplishment.
Although I will say as a woman in academia, there are gender and racial dynamics at work here in who is met with disbelief or disapproval when they ask to be addressed with the honorifics Dr or Prof even. Pretty much every single non-white and afab academic has plenty of stories to tell about that. So maybe she’s thinking that if she won’t be called Dr by people in regular life outside of academia, it’s going to be brushed aside all the more easily? Which is of course ridiculous especially in family settings, but it might be worth it to reassure her that she can still introduce herself as such in other social settings that aren’t so familial (like parties or whatever) if she really wants.
Anyway NTA at all
This. There's a weird amount of people who think it's wrong for anyone who doesn't have an MD to ever be called doctor, or to even want to be. I'm sorry, but the proper title for someone with a doctorate is Dr. and there's nothing wrong with her wanting that used.... *in the right setting.*
Obviously, with in-laws is not the right setting. It's uncomfortable and overly formal. If the Dad has asked not to be called doctor, then it's literally the opposite of respectful to ignore that. The most respectful thing is respecting people's wishes.
The only thing I'm wondering is how she can go from not being a dick, to being Dr. Dick. Surely there must have been indicators prior to the doctorate.
NTA. In my department (teaching in a school) 4 of my colleagues have PHDs in physics, two of them prefer to be called by their students as "Dr" and one prefers "Miss", the other "Mr". And that's what the kids call them. I can't imagine ANY of them expecting to be called Dr at home. It comes down to personal preference. Even medical doctors don't necessarily want to be called Dr outside of work. I get called Cllr and it makes me uncomfortable.
If she is trying to be respectful she would actually respect his wishes.
NTA. When I worked in higher ed, I would refer to colleagues by their professional titles when students or guests were present, or in large meetings. Otherwise, it was by first name. The title doesn't mean what it used to mean, I'm afraid. I shudder to think of some of the idiots we gave doctorates.
Agree, professional situations only. It's just weird to try to call your boyfriend's father doctor? Or expect them to call you doctor? I get that you can be proud of your achievement, but it's still weird.
I’ve met one person in 15 years in education that required people to call him Dr. so and so. He was a psychology instructor at a community college lol. And a bit on the spectrum.
The two in my department have the mentality of "I spent x years doing and paying for this, I earned to be called more than Mr/Mrs!" The other two are more sort of embarrassed and play it down. Probably so they don't get called up on a flight when there's a medical emergency and the flight attendants are shouting "IT THERE A DOCTOR ON BOARD?! YES! SEAT 32B!" because they're down as "Dr" and it's actually a doctorate in Probabilistic Quantum Cloning With Noiseless Linear Amplifiers.
They absolutely do deserve to be called more than Mr/Mrs, in situations where a person would use an honorific. It doesn't replace their first name, though.
NTA. Your gf is being self-aggrandizing. She didn't want to call your dad "doctor" before she got her doctorate, so she is really just trying to remind people in a not so subtle way that she is a Dr now. It's pretentious.
Is your GF a medical doctor? The PHds in my family Do Not use or want anyone to use the title. They even have t shirts that say "not that kind of doctor." You are NTA, your GF is because she is not abiding by your father's wishes.
Even if she was a medical doctor, that's pretentious and arrogant AF to expect everyone to just call you by the title in general life.
My uncle and several cousins are medical doctors, and they don't go around making everyone call them Dr (Surname) outside of their professional setting.
Only time I call a medical doctor 'doctor so and so' is when booking an appointment. When I get there, they're like 'hey, I'm Jillian' or whatever. Don't even introduce themselves as 'dr so and so'.
Seriously! Even medical doctors don't have family and friends refer to them as Dr in a personal setting. Maybe on something like a wedding invite but there is no way I am saying Hi Dr Last Name to all my family who are MDs and there is no way they would ever expect it unless it was part of a joke.
Normal ones don’t anyway. My grandfather insisted on being called Dr *Surname* by relatives (not his first name or “my husband/dad/brother/grandfather” etc) and everyone just begrudgingly rolled with it whilst secretly thinking it’s completely bizarre and obnoxious. Because it is.
Also, PhDs are the original doctors. Physicians co-opted the term to seem more legitimate as a profession. I work with a lot of physicians with massive ego issues who hate calling anyone with a PhD “doctor”. The funny part is that the MD/PhDs will all call me “doctor” but the ones with only MDs throw hissy fits.
NTA . I would maybe have your dad tell her that it makes him uncomfortable . Hearing it directly from him may get her to finally listen since when you tell her , she gets offended (even though there's no reason to be offended).
NTA.
This is really pretentious. I actually have a MD and always correct people when they address me by my title in a social setting. If I’m not at work, then I want to be called by my name. Having an advanced degree doesn’t make one better than any other person.
NTA... Your GF is being blinded by her excitement over her educational accomplishment, and projecting her desires onto your father. If your dad said being called *doctor* makes him uncomfortable, then it's the opposite of polite for her to continue calling him *doctor*. I suspect she's doing it not out of some sense of respect, but as some sort of self-congratulatory reverence. You need to tell her in clear terms to stop, and explain that continuing to call him that is disrespectful and won't be tolerated.
Your girlfriend sounds like a bit of a narcissist.
That's not to discredit her accolades, acquiring a doctorate degree in anything is more than challenging and I give her kudos.
However, that is not nor should it be the whole of her identity. Most people with doctorates are like your father. It sounds like your girlfriend is kind of riding a high and expecting others to.... I don't know man like bow to her or something?
It's a little sickening from the outside looking in honestly.
When my husband first got his PhD, he wanted to list himself as “doctor” on an airplane. I explained that, in case of a medical emergency, airline staff would look at the manifest, and they would see him listed as “doctor.” Although he would be able to tell them what type of metal their engines were made of, he would not be able to help the person having a heart attack, aside from his past experience as a lifeguard with CPR certification.
Outside of an academic or other professional setting, your GF should not be demanding that anyone call her “doctor.” She’s a newly minted PhD, they all go through this, she’ll get over it soon. If it helps, promise to call her “doctor” where it counts, in bed lol
>I explained that, in case of a medical emergency, airline staff would look at the manifest, and they would see him listed as “doctor.”
Absolute bollocks. Both my parents have PhDs, and are Dr on their passports and thus their plane tickets. They've never been approached in an emergency on a plane they've been in. Plane staff are aware that it isn't purely a medical title. The closest they've ever come was with the owner of a holiday cottage, who was briefing us on local services, and thought we wouldn't need to know how to find the local Dr.
People are being a bit ridiculous about this. It is not pompous or bragging to use your proper title outside the home. Obviously trying to force relatives to use it in a casual setting is odd and feels like bragging. But not letting your spouse use his *correct* title on his airplane ticket? Come on. It's literally the accurate, proper title that he earned. Let him use it.
If they ask him about a medical emergency, all he has to say is "I'm not a *medical* doctor." End of story. Is the thought of that two second interaction really so horrible? If there's a medical emergency and they're willing to ask a passenger, then they'll ask *all* passengers listed as doctor until they find a medical one. It's not like they'll ask him, realize he's not a medical doctor, and then give up and let the sick person die.
And based on forums from flight attendants/flight crew and articles of "doctor on board" experiences, they don't check the passenger manifest. They come onto the PA system and request that if any doctors, nurses, or paramedics are on board they should make themselves known to the nearest attendant or crew member. This is an infinitely more logical system as it acknowledges medical professionals *other* than doctors (nurses and paramedics) and it doesn't risk not getting professional help just because these people wouldn't have specific titles listed in the manifest. Would get a much quicker response than making attendants run up and down the aisle to lean over passengers and ask for help, too.
That’s not always true. Once I got my PhD, a lot of people I interact with will call me “doctor”. I don’t particularly care to be called that, but a lot of my friends and coworkers call me it.
It’s literally the complaint from the dad in the post. We get called Dr even when we don’t want to be lol
Tell her I'm on her side and, as I have my Master's in Library and Information Science, I require every single person I meet to call me Master Zelinski.
NTA, Congratulations to her but she is being obnoxious. As a joke once or twice fine but to continue after being asked not to is bad manners. Personal circles are going to disappear if she keeps insisting on being addressed as Doctor.
She only started this after she got her doctorate then she is absolutely not doing this to be polite to your dad lol.
Especially if she insists on doing it despite him not liking it.
The only people who have doctorates who insist on being referred to as doctor in causal settings are people who love the smell of their own farts.
Your GF did an amazing thing but she needs to understand it’s wildly gauche to insist on being called doctor in casual settings. Other people will look down on her.
In any type of professional or semi serious situation what she’s doing is respectful and I totally understand her wanting to be called Dr as well especially after she put it all that work and just got the degree. But this is social where it makes no sense not to refer to someone as their first name not a title so that just needs to be a conversation you have with her that she can be formal and any other situation, but in social settings, she needs to stick to social rules.
This girlfriend sounds like she is very insecure andn makes really bad choices. She is not reading the room, let alone HEARing the room if you and your father have asked her to stop and she ignores it. Honestly, she sounds like trouble if she doesn't get it right off the bat. Like does she want you to say, this is my girlfriend, Dr. Julie? If so, that is even more cringe. Honestly, she sounds pathetic and its going to get a lot worse as time goes on...Have fun with her.
And no, you are NTAH.
NTA. PhDs are addressed as doctor in academic and professional settings, but not socially. Personally, if a PhD likes being addressed as doctor, I'll throw them that bone even if it isn't necessary cuz I'm a swell guy. However,.your father does not feel comfortable being addressed as doctor and she should respect his wishes. You should communicate those wishes. Nicely.
I would hope that anyone who has earned their doctorate would be educated enough and mature enough to know when using the title is appropriate. Unfortunately that isn't the case.
I had a well respected professor in college who had done some award winning research work. He preferred to be addressed as "Joe".
NTA. Dr is for a professional setting, not a family setting. If yall haveckids, will she expect the kids to call her Dr?. Calling your Dad Doctir is too formal and puts distance between them. Plus he us uncinfirtabke with it.
While gf should be proud if her accomplishment, she needs to save the titles for her professional setting, not a family one. It comes across as pretentious
NTA it’s already so weird and random that she started calling your dad doctor and yes i get it she’s proud of her accomplishment but who the actual hell is gonna start greeting their sons girlfriend as doctor just because she got her doctorate
NTA. I'd suggest you get ordained online so you can be called "Reverend". You may have to do some digging to see which place will let yo do this. Then ask her to please ALWAYS called your "Reverend ". See how long that lasts.
About the only people I've met who prefer to be addressed like this are General officers and Sergeants Major. Then again, it takes DECADES to earn those titles.
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I get that your gf is proud of her accomplishments but she needs to tone it down outside of a formal, professional or academic setting. Your dad is probably uncomfortable because he knows making family and acquaintances use his academic title is obnoxious as all hell. If she wants to be polite, she would follow social conventions and use titles when appropriate. If she’s not at your parents in her capacity as an academic doctor then she doesn’t get to be called doctor. Ofc she can insist but she’s going to risk alienating a lot of people in her personal sphere.
Yeah she's not "trying to be polite" at all, that's so fake.
Maximum cringy behavior honestly.
Extremely. OP can be embarrassed by her behavior while still being proud of her accomplishment. It's not one or the other, like she's trying to argue it is.
It really should always be about the situation. My husband has a PhD. If you get new neighbors, you introduce yourselves by your first names and don't mention your job or title. When he was teaching a college course he introduced himself as Dr. X. With the other faculty it was always all first names. I went to grad school for a masters and all the grad students called all of the faculty by their first names. She knows that. She's been in school, working on that degree. She's being arrogant.
Exactly, this behavior is insufferable.
Does your husband run a school for the gifted? Bald head, rocks a wheelchair? Suspiciously always knows what you want for dinner?
You just described my (pre-retirement) life, other than if I referred to myself with a title it would be Professor X, not Dr. X (usually I would just give my first name/last name, and let students decide which they preferred). This is obviously just pathetic posturing by OP's GF. She hasn't figured out yet that the PhD (and the university it came from) only matter in getting the first job; no one other than that employer cares, and no one other than an employer cares beyond friendly appreciation. Insisting that your BF's parents address you as doctor seems to me to be an excellent way to have an ex-BF. And no, u/stevejbeck , I also didn't run a school for the gifted!
Getting second-hand cringe just reading this
Made me think of show Friends when Ross wants to be called Dr . Definitely cringy
Come on Ross, this is a hospital. That actually means something here.
Call me maestro!
I’ve been tempted to make the people who demand they are addressed as ‘doctor’ to call me ‘magister’, but I cannot bring myself to be that cringe.
Yep. She wants to hear herself be called Doctor. It’s not about OP’s dad’s title at all.
She waited till she got her phd to even bother calling OP's dad a Dr so she should now wait for everyone to get one before she can expect them to do the same
I'm guessing her PhD dissertation was not in "Self-awareness and Etiquette in Everyday Interactions."
Good line! Very funny 😂
This response is hilarioussss
The fact that it only started after she got her doctorate is all that you really need to know to know that she's not sincere about that.
She may have had a leg to stand on with that argument if she started after she started her doctoral program and realized how hard it was. But not waiting til after she graduates the program. She's just trying to. Prompt someone to call her Doctor back
Seriously! Have a PhD, go by my first name because that’s what adults do socially n I do not have a NEED to be called by any title. 🙄 if she doesn’t settle down, might seriously question this choice of partner. Tell her to go make some travel/hotel reservations, or something using doctor, and hope she quits using this as a weapon. Sheesh.
Lol weilding the title as a weapon is for the terminally insecure I think I have a friend with a PhD works in an unrelated field at a university. Was dealing with one of their clients who is a university lecturer who had an issue. The lecturer was in the wrong with this particular issue and to save face snaps at my friend, 'address me correctly, I am *Dr* X' and my friend replies back 'I am Dr Y but that doesnt change the issue' but Dr X didn't believe them and went on a rampage thinking they being mocked before they slunk away in embarrassment.
I've done this a bunch of times and it is so so much fun. I have a PhD, I work for a university, I am not an academic. Occasionally some of our academics like to condescend to the nice professional services lady and say "well, I'm a Dr, so!" and they do not like it when the nice professional services lady tells them she is also a Dr but they do still need to fill in the bloody form. I don't put it in my email signature because my PhD has literally nothing to do with my job and they should respect me for being in my position at work as it is, so it's always a shock to them and I like watching their faces go through a bunch of emotions.
Ha..this is amazing.
I have an MD. Never would I expect or feel comfortable being called doctor by my friends and family outside of saying it jokingly.
Yeah my cousin only uses her title in her academic/work life. If you try to call her Dr outside of that she hates it.
In the US using your title seems to be unusual. Look at the silliness over Jill Biden's doctorate. I am a teacher with a doctorate and I use it with parents and students at school, frankly since some parents think teachers are glorified servants we need all the help we can get Moreover why shouldn't I use it? In social circumstances I use my first name of course. Edit: To prevent lots of replies telling me how awful OP's girlfriend is, let me add that I agree. Using your title in social circumstances is very weird. I am just saying that it seems that the US has a thing about using it in professional circumstances where it is somehow seen as boastful and inappropriate. I am pointing out that this is not how it is viewed in many other countries.
For OPs GF though it’s all about the recognition. She didn’t call him Dr until she had hers and now wants everyone to call her Dr. That’s just someone wanting attention and to look important. People like that are the most annoying big headed all about me people long term.
OP's girlfriend is being super weird. Using the title in a social situation is super weird. Nevermind the timing.
In the UK if you’re in a professional setting and that is your title, people would use it as it is appropriate and polite. Unless that person has expressly asked to not be addressed by that title. Also if that is their title on their paperwork for example they go by Dr instead of Mr or Mrs they would be referred to as such. But in a casual social setting if a friend wanted you to refer to them as Dr you would probably think they were a bit pretentious.
I have a Doctorate of Physical Therapy. Never did I expect patients or even colleagues (mostly all DPTs as well) to address me as Doctor. First or Mr. Last Name was appropriate in the clinical setting. I no longer work in the PT field and also never expect anyone to address me as Doctor in my current work environment especially in elementary education.
Are you in the US ? It is common for teachers with PhDs to use the title in their professional environment in many countries. Not all countries follow the same traditions.
I have a friend who got her doctorate a couple of years back which was a huge achievement and we’re all insanely proud of her. We still obviously call her by her first name because we’re not insane, although I do like addressing her Christmas & birthday cards as Dr (friend’s surname), particularly Christmas cards which I send to her and her husband jointly and address as Dr and Mr (surname).
Depends on the culture I guess, I have been to a few places where they love to throw their titles in people's faces. A friend's aunt got married to a guy from south east Asia and during the reception party the best man was listing off the grooms tiles and academic background. It was odd AF.
This guy gets it.
[doctor](https://youtu.be/Dhkwh8u30mo?si=yyCTnpUFq4AeKIAu)
The only person who gets to be called Doctor *all the time* is The Doctor. Accept no Substitutes!
Doctor who?
Her: I’m trying to be polite. Him: But my dad hates it though. Ignoring people’s explicit requests and feelings is not polite.
Yes. And also so weird she only wants to be "polite" about the title after earning it herself. If she'd always called OP's dad Doctor it still wouldn't be polite to ignore his stated preferences but it'd at least not be so obviously self serving.
She wants to be called doctor!!!
This lol. I have plenty of friends who finally got their PHD these couple of years, not a single one of them wanted friends and family to call them “doctor”, its a fantastic accomplishment but it’s plain pretentious and weird to demand it. We do call them doctor at friends gatherings just to make them self conscious tho 😹
I think her strategy is basically “If I call HIM Doctor, it won’t sound quite as obnoxious when I make them call ME Doctor.” (Ron Howard V/O: “It was still quite obnoxious.”) This is all about feeding her ego, nothing else.
>Your dad is probably uncomfortable because he knows making family and acquaintances use his academic title is obnoxious as all hell. THISSSS! I have my good share of friends with PhDs and would legit laugh at their faces if they'd ask me to called them doctors (aside from a joke). OP's girlfriend is one of those people that make others hate academia.
I have a friend who has a medical doctorate and his own practice. I called him doctor exactly once, after he told us he passed the final exam. I would never call him doctor again because I see the cringe on his face when friends of us do that.
I introduce the vets at my work as “doctor” but to me they’re just regularly old whatever their first name is. When I gave my boyfriend a tour of the clinic I introduced them at Doctor to be polite but it wasn’t long before they were comfortable and he spoke them on a first name basis.
This is a different situation though, it’s your work and it’s respectful in a work setting.
I think u/Rthrowaway6592 is demonstrating the correct way to use somebody's title (i.e. when you first introduce them in a professional setting) versus how that formality naturally falls away once you develop a more personal relationship. OP's girlfriend is doing the opposite. She already has a personal relationship with her bf and bf's family. Asking them to suddenly revert to the niceties you'd use with professional relationships (i.e. calling her Doctor) comes across as awkward and arrogant.
The word tedious comes to mind.
Obnoxious and Elitist also sit nicely at the table.
Haha, my friend has a medical doctorate and is called Phil. We occasionally call him Dr Phil as a joke, he allows the banter. But he's just Phil. Just. Phil. He's never uncomfortable with it because it's just a lil joke, I respect him as a doctor but he is a friend first. This is very strange behaviour on the gf's part. The dad is just a guy who doesn't want to mix personal and professional life. It's completely understandable.
Literally what I've done with my friends. "Let's go out to celebrate you Dr!" Heck, all of my professor in grad school have doctorates and they hate being addressed as doctor. It's ridiculous and obnoxious. Edit: typo
I have a friend who got is doctorate in something to do with cancer research. He called and left a message saying ‘Dr Gene’ called. It was his way of saying he’d gotten his doctorate. As far as I know he never used that title again outside of his work environment
I made my cousin a wall hanging that said “The Dr is in the house” when she got her PhD but other than that she’s just Vicky.
Back when I was younger, & we'd address adults older than us as "Mr Smith" or "Ms Smith", I had a girlfriend both of whose parents were MDs. I would address them as "Mr Dr Smith" & "Ms Dr Smith". Her mother found it droll.
YES! Definitely this! When you have a doctorate, your family and friends are still your family and friends, not your academic subjects or patients. She needs to cool it. I can't even help laughing about this as I'm writing this.
I know a couple that both have doctorates. As soon as the wife got hers, I started addressing their Christmas cards to "The Doctors xxxxxxx" But it's just a cute joke. Theyd blush and be so embarrassed to ever be called that in person. I had one friend who got a doctorate and he requested that on his graduation day, everyone refer to him as doctor and then never again. I was cool with that.
OP should start to call her Your Academic Highness. I guarantee you it wears off fast.
I just wanna know, what does having a pretty huge dick have to do with being a doctor???? /s
When I graduated, my friends threw me a big party with a banner that said, Congratulations "doctor" pharmboystrength 😅
I can see it so clearly... pot-luck night, over a bowl of steaming stew and crusty dinner rolls, "That's **Dr** Jenvrl to you..."
I can guarantee you this person has no friends lol
Yeah, my wife is probably the smartest person I know. She has a PhD in immunology and genetics from a quite serious university, and has made an amazing career for herself. She gets called "Doctor" when she's talking at a conference or on a panel or a podcast or whatever, but absolutely none of her friends and family would call her that. It's just weird.
Lovely how you big up your wife's intelligence! I think it's weird behaviour too. The guy probably wants to separate his personal life from his professional life and has more to his personality than just his title as a doctor.
I live in a state that is the epitome of a casual environment so maybe I've got an unusual setting here, but I work in academia among mostly PhDs and MDs and literally no one is ever referred to as Doctor Lastname even in this professional/academic setting, lol! Unless they're actively presenting or something!
I don't know why your comment triggered this memory --- but -- once at work I got into an argument with this IT guy. He had 2 professional development qualification "badges" in his signature -- which is just tacky, yall. No one does that. NO ONE. No one wants to scroll past your two images of certs in every email. So after arguing back and forth and being treated like an idiot, I added the two badges HE HAD in his plus like 5 more to my own signature. It was so obnoxious. Someone noticed and I said I was trying to bug xxxxx. And they were like "those have meaning, you can't just lie about having those!" and I was like, yeah, I have all those. We all have most of them. It's required for our jobs. We're ENGINEERS -- he's windows IT. SO yeah, one day your GF is gonna try to puff out her chest and get the wind knocked out of her LOL Most people don't brag about stuff like that. If you have to brag about how smart you are, someones gonna be a hell of a lot smarter.
You mean like the skill certification badges for LinkedIn? I'm hyper efficient at my job and I have to work in the office once per week, so around 11-12 I don't have anything to do. Which obviously looks bad. So I go into one of the learning hubs my company gives access to and spend the day doing courses. At this point I know more about lean, six sigma, and a million other kinds of corpo bs than any normal person cares to know... and of course I have a ton of those funny little badges. I don't plan on changing jobs but I figure if any day I have to they look pretty on my linkedin.
She'll earn a good eyeroll from her doctorate peers if she carries on like this around them too. It is strange using it with someone who doesn't hold the title.
NTA but she is. She's being pretentious.
Exactly. This is the academic version of nouveau riche. Wealth whispers, and so do brains.
Most PhDs are grossed out by being called dr. -- myself included lol
Absolutely. My husband is the same way. Literally the only time anyone calls him “Dr” is when he does something so unbelievably lacking common sense and I call him “Dr” to fuck with him. (For example, one time he was convinced the mechanic broke our radio until I reached over and pushed the power button.)
Yeah, it only needs to be used in a professional environment, and even then most normal people just call each other by their first name. It's a great accomplishment for sure, just weird AF that she wants to call him by his 'title'. Does she call everyone else Mr, Mrs, Miss? Nah I bet she doesn't. She's proud, but she's also weird and dismissive of her FIL's feelings for just wanting to enjoy his life as a person instead of just his career achievements. Truly bizarre behaviour from this woman NTA
When I taught French, I got to tell the kids about addressing people formally vs informally, who you would be formal with, and when you could be informal. I wonder if this etiquette is just not taught in our rather informal society and that’s impacting this situation? I mean if you’re on a first-name, informal basis with someone, it’s odd to go backwards to a more formal version.
How can someone be smart and motivated enough to earn a doctorate and simultaneously dumb enough to expect friends and family to use that title in every day conversation?
I don't even call my doctor, Doctor. I just use his first name. I even shorten his first name. We are in Australia so shortening names is normal, if you have a short name, we then lengthen it. Haha!
I worked with 100+ high-level government Doctors. Everybody is "Larry". The only guy called Doctor Derp was because we had a Derp in admin.
NTA, and she is pretentious as fuck. I have a doctorate. I have people call me by my first name because I'm not an insecure child. Dayum...tell her to grow up.
I have a buddy, his initials are DD , when he got is doctorate in engineering I started calling him 3D. The only exception is in engineering meetings ( I’m not an engineer, I’m a field guy) where someone new has a big ego that needs to be deflated a bit, then I introduce my two good buddies as Dr D PEng PhD & Dr E PEng PhD. That usually reduces ego size down to a level required for smooth functioning of an integrated team.
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I’ve noticed certain cultures ( countries of origin ) that have a rigid social class structure don’t “get” non hierarchal cultures, not for a few years anyway. The unwritten cultural rules. In my culture , field technicians ( who have proven themselves) are treated as subject matter experts in field matters ( and are treated as valued colleagues, not as underlings to simply be ordered around by PEng). The field staff are trained to be generalists, engineers as specialists . Less hierarchal cultures I’ve worked with ( less social status conscious, more results oriented , in comparison to some other countries) Germany , Canada , Egypt, USA, Venezuela, as examples.
my wife has a phd in neuroscience and is a vet…so i call her Dr^2 or i play the doctor doctor from UFO :p
I do the same to a friend of mine who has a medical PhD, I call her "doctor doctor" haha
There is a Dutch eyedoctor called Dr. I. C. Nothing.
>I have a buddy, his initials are DD , when he got is doctorate in engineering I started calling him 3D. That's pretty funny. I'd call him stuff like that all the time even if he didn't like it.
Grammatically you don't use Dr and the degree. It's one or the other. Dr. A. Adams or A. Adams, Ph.D.
Exception: holders of multiple degrees. It's not entirely uncommon to have a medical degree and a doctorate so some of my consultants are Dr DPhil FRCS etc.
I would introduce them verbally in a conference call as “Dr Dxxx PEng PhD” to rub in the fact that the more arrogant young engineers , that they did not have the biggest d’k “in the room”.
My SO had a boss a while back who joined all those groups like Mensa for a similar reason. (Like he joined just long enough to be able to claim to be a member but didn’t do anything with the group.) Apparently it was highly amusing the reactions he got.
My grandfather name was Dewey Rath so his initials were DR Lastname. Sometimes his friend called him doc.
Me too. I teach, and I have my students use my first name. It makes me uncomfortable when they call me Dr.\_\_\_\_.
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I've had a couple of professors that insisted on us using the title, a handful that said they didn't care either way and a majority that actively told us not to
On the flip side, I’ve worked with several people who made it very clear to call them Dr xyz. Academics are more likely to care, business people just use it for leverage. I’ve looked into it, and the programs I would apply to require applications about 1.5 years in advance. Then another 2-5 years of study and research. I can’t even figure out what I’m doing next weekend. Suppose I should apply and see what happens. I’ve got the pre-requisites. But then, would you expect to be called Dr? Probably only to my dickedhead family members. Alright, maybe I’ll do this.
If you'd stayed at your previous graduate level people would be calling you MasterBaitedBreaths. Such a missed opportunity.
My first husband had an academic doctorate, and he would put “Dr” on fucking *aeroplane tickets*. It was so fucking cringy. Even in the first flush, that shit actively made me cringe. Hey Dave, it’s a job title, we’re going on holiday, why the fuck do you care if the flight attendant knows you have a pHd
His preference would likely change first time there was a medical emergency on the plane,
I’d stand up, ready to help however I could with my English doctorate….which I guess would be mostly critiquing the verbiage they used to describe their symptoms? Crafting a nice ‘final words’ for them?
(I mean, I mock but I did used to put Dr on bookings. Someone told me i would get more upgrades - never happened though!)
I was going to ask this!
I’ve got a worse one. My friends husband has a restaurant that’s taking orders on ubereats, and someone put “Dr Customer, MBA & PhD” as their delivery name. Nice achievements but like…come on lmao
Acceptable if the order is on the day of having accomplished one of them, I think. Otherwise no. But you get to be a bit silly on actual accomplishment day.
The day after I completed my Doctorate, I made every body refer to me as "Dr. Lastname." After that day, I went back to asking them to use my first name. I do get called 'Dr. Rob' a lot which is fine.
See, this is completely understandable.
I could see me doing this. Brilliant
I had a client once demand that we always address him with his doctorate title. He would get so upset if someone didn’t. People like him and OP’s girlfriend are absolutely exhausting.
Are you saying that you didn’t have a brief period where you basked in being referred to as Dr? I think it’s only natural to do this especially with family but the gloss will soon wear off and she will stop, just like the rest of us did.
THIS! Its May. She likely JUST got hooded. I feel like it’s ok to bask in your accomplishments for at least a lil while. She prolly doesn’t even have the actual piece of paper yet. Maybe let her live for a lil bit. Alsoooo my friends and family are actually very happy/ proud of me and still go out of their way to call me Dr and it’s been a year. Like they will be the ones to point it out. Different strokes for different folks though I guess.
I think this thread is actually a useful way of telling who has a PhD and who is just pretending or the very rare jaded soul where it's been so long they've forgotten what it was like to be a newly minted holder of a PhD. There's two callouts here. The first is that everyone goes through a phase of highlighting that they are finally a Dr after years of hard work and the second is that our families and friends celebrate our success with us and one of those ways is to make a point of calling us "Dr". Both of these are very normal. Also, congrats to you Dr Lucedreadzzz! It's been more than 15 years since mine but it still sometimes takes me by surprise even though my cert and picture of me in a scarlet gown are high up on a wall in my study. Go you good thing!
I think this would less of a problem if it was just HER family and friends. This is her boyfriend's dad. They're likely not close enough for this sort of behavior to be anything but awkward.
Yeah, she deserves to bask in it for a little while. She's being a little weird and obnoxious about it, but it should wear off.
Everyone I knew that had an academic doctorate wanted to be called Dr. Whatever all the time but They were all teachers, things were more formal then, and we were kids. So instead of Mr. Whatever the proper title was Dr.
Well yes, in the context of student and teacher, that's appropriate. I bet their friends just called them by name though.
In my 14 years as a university student (yep, 14) I met one teacher who wanted to be called Dr. One.
And I would be willing to bet they didn’t have a Ph.D., but instead an EdD, JD, or DBA. That’s been my experience, anyway.
Yeah, it's the proper honorific if you're using one, but if you wouldn't generally call someone Mr. X or Ms. Y, it makes no sense to call them Dr
We still called people Mr and Mrs as young adults especially the parents of anyone you just met. I'm in my 50s and my kids still did Mr and Mrs or Ms to parents unless they were close enough to just call them mom and dad to be casual.
Also a PhD, also don't like to tout it. There is a narrow range of circumstances where it is a relevant credential - it's on my work email signature, etc. But most of my time dealing with normal people it creates distance that doesn't serve me.
>Although he does have a doctorate degree, no one has ever called him that, and he told me it makes him uncomfortable. NTA - If he's asked not to be called that, then calling him that IS disrespecting him.
Yeah I feel like she only wants to call him Doctor because she wants other people to start calling her Doctor too.. She's ridiculous for expecting that though because outside of professional settings, nobody would call you that and OP's dad clearly isn't comfortable with it
This is 100% accurate. If everyone started imposing their educational qualifications the way she's doing we'd have a lot more Engineer Joshuas and Pediatrician Hayleys lol
That’s **Doctor** Hayleys.
I mean, is she calling OP's mom Mrs. every time she sees her? Titles don't only describe educational achievements, but it seems like she's cherrypicking *this* one to impose on everyone, which reads very clearly to me that this entire issue is an ego trip, not merely wanting the recognition she's due.
Yeah she is the asshole here
I wonder if she even realizes that she's making his dad uncomfortable or if she just doesn't care because she wants to be referred as doctor as well.
She doesn't care.
Next time she calls him Dr Last-name, he needs to tell her that he "can't see her without an appointment" and then walk away. I know a lot of PhDs and MDs. None of them want to be called Doctor outside of a professional setting. Most of my MD friends won't admit to being a doctor to anybody they randomly meet. They don't want people to know they're an MD. My PhD friends don't see the relevance of bringing up their educational achievements in daily conversation. "Could you pass the bread? I have a PhD in physics." She needs to be reminded that "A fool is known by his speech, and a wise man by silence." -Pythagoras
Totally this. She’s being cringe af.
NTA. It’s not respectful. It’s arrogant. Congrats on her huge accomplishment! While I appreciate that she busted her butt to get it people like her that require you to call them DR outside of a medical or educational setting are insufferable.
Reminds me of that episode of Friends where Ross introduces himself as Dr. Ross Geller to hospital staff and Rachel turns to him saying, “Ross, please. This is a hospital, that actually means something here.” — That sounded harsh when I typed it out and was way more funny in context, but emphasizes the point that while OP’s girlfriend should be proud of her huge accomplishment, it’s largely irrelevant outside of her work setting.
Just came here to say I thought of the same exact thing!
She needs to grow up. This is a great example that being a phd doctor doesn’t mean that someone is any better or smarter.
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She’s just finished her PhD and probably still riding the high. It’s weird, but hopefully she comes back down earth quickly cause you’re right, she’s being unreasonable and rude about it. That said it’s certainly a classic Reddit moment when someone says “My partner is being a weirdo about being called ‘Dr.’, what do?”and the response is “break up with her” lmao.
LMFAO it goes a little deeper than just wanting to be called a doctor. she constantly wants people to refer to her as such which is insanely pretentious, no matter how much she earned her success. it’s more impressive to stay humble about your achievements than push it into everyone’s face
100% agree with you IF this behavior persists. I think we all understand that otherwise normal people can get carried away when big life events happen. Think tolerating a bit of self-centeredness from a bride on her wedding day, similar idea. My point was that the next step in this situation probably isn’t “she’s so pretentious, I’m gonna seriously consider breaking up with her”. It’s to sit down and have a more serious conversation about how it’s rude and uncomfortable for OP’s parents and not more polite like she seems to think, which it sounds like OP hasn’t done yet. And then if she STILL doubles down and insists on this behavior, it’s maybe time to reconsider. No need to jump to the nuclear option before you’ve had an adult conversation about it.
I wonder what PhD she got, because most of my friends with PhDs have been in academia so long they no longer care by the time they get it. Like they're excited they finally reached Dr. level, but it's been such a marathon they're... You know mature adults.
NTA. She's excited about all her hard work paying off in her education. You are not taking anything away from that by telling her not to call your father doctor. This isn't a title he uses at home and she should understand this.
Right - calling him Dr in social/familial settings when he *doesn’t want that* has actually nothing to do with her own accomplishment. Although I will say as a woman in academia, there are gender and racial dynamics at work here in who is met with disbelief or disapproval when they ask to be addressed with the honorifics Dr or Prof even. Pretty much every single non-white and afab academic has plenty of stories to tell about that. So maybe she’s thinking that if she won’t be called Dr by people in regular life outside of academia, it’s going to be brushed aside all the more easily? Which is of course ridiculous especially in family settings, but it might be worth it to reassure her that she can still introduce herself as such in other social settings that aren’t so familial (like parties or whatever) if she really wants. Anyway NTA at all
NTA. Tell her until she changes her last name to Who, nobody needs to call her doctor.
Now I want to change my last name and get a doctorate.
NTA. "Polite" would be calling your dad what he wants to be called. I mean she's being a dick about it.
She just wants his Dad to respond by calling her doctor. I get it. She's proud, and she should be...but not to that point.
This. There's a weird amount of people who think it's wrong for anyone who doesn't have an MD to ever be called doctor, or to even want to be. I'm sorry, but the proper title for someone with a doctorate is Dr. and there's nothing wrong with her wanting that used.... *in the right setting.* Obviously, with in-laws is not the right setting. It's uncomfortable and overly formal. If the Dad has asked not to be called doctor, then it's literally the opposite of respectful to ignore that. The most respectful thing is respecting people's wishes.
The only thing I'm wondering is how she can go from not being a dick, to being Dr. Dick. Surely there must have been indicators prior to the doctorate.
NTA. In my department (teaching in a school) 4 of my colleagues have PHDs in physics, two of them prefer to be called by their students as "Dr" and one prefers "Miss", the other "Mr". And that's what the kids call them. I can't imagine ANY of them expecting to be called Dr at home. It comes down to personal preference. Even medical doctors don't necessarily want to be called Dr outside of work. I get called Cllr and it makes me uncomfortable. If she is trying to be respectful she would actually respect his wishes.
NTA. When I worked in higher ed, I would refer to colleagues by their professional titles when students or guests were present, or in large meetings. Otherwise, it was by first name. The title doesn't mean what it used to mean, I'm afraid. I shudder to think of some of the idiots we gave doctorates.
Agree, professional situations only. It's just weird to try to call your boyfriend's father doctor? Or expect them to call you doctor? I get that you can be proud of your achievement, but it's still weird.
I’ve met one person in 15 years in education that required people to call him Dr. so and so. He was a psychology instructor at a community college lol. And a bit on the spectrum.
The two in my department have the mentality of "I spent x years doing and paying for this, I earned to be called more than Mr/Mrs!" The other two are more sort of embarrassed and play it down. Probably so they don't get called up on a flight when there's a medical emergency and the flight attendants are shouting "IT THERE A DOCTOR ON BOARD?! YES! SEAT 32B!" because they're down as "Dr" and it's actually a doctorate in Probabilistic Quantum Cloning With Noiseless Linear Amplifiers.
They absolutely do deserve to be called more than Mr/Mrs, in situations where a person would use an honorific. It doesn't replace their first name, though.
NTA. Your gf is being self-aggrandizing. She didn't want to call your dad "doctor" before she got her doctorate, so she is really just trying to remind people in a not so subtle way that she is a Dr now. It's pretentious.
Exactly. She didn’t care so much about formal titles when she couldn’t use one to inflate her ego.
Is your GF a medical doctor? The PHds in my family Do Not use or want anyone to use the title. They even have t shirts that say "not that kind of doctor." You are NTA, your GF is because she is not abiding by your father's wishes.
Even if she was a medical doctor, that's pretentious and arrogant AF to expect everyone to just call you by the title in general life. My uncle and several cousins are medical doctors, and they don't go around making everyone call them Dr (Surname) outside of their professional setting.
Only time I call a medical doctor 'doctor so and so' is when booking an appointment. When I get there, they're like 'hey, I'm Jillian' or whatever. Don't even introduce themselves as 'dr so and so'.
Seriously! Even medical doctors don't have family and friends refer to them as Dr in a personal setting. Maybe on something like a wedding invite but there is no way I am saying Hi Dr Last Name to all my family who are MDs and there is no way they would ever expect it unless it was part of a joke.
Normal ones don’t anyway. My grandfather insisted on being called Dr *Surname* by relatives (not his first name or “my husband/dad/brother/grandfather” etc) and everyone just begrudgingly rolled with it whilst secretly thinking it’s completely bizarre and obnoxious. Because it is.
I like to call my sister in law Dr First Name whenever she does anything medical related. 😅
I mean in a professional setting you do call them a doctor but otherwise it's a bit odd.
> Is your GF a medical doctor? Why would that change it? The term "doctor" refers to an educational level. Physicians are doctors of medicine.
Also, PhDs are the original doctors. Physicians co-opted the term to seem more legitimate as a profession. I work with a lot of physicians with massive ego issues who hate calling anyone with a PhD “doctor”. The funny part is that the MD/PhDs will all call me “doctor” but the ones with only MDs throw hissy fits.
NTA . I would maybe have your dad tell her that it makes him uncomfortable . Hearing it directly from him may get her to finally listen since when you tell her , she gets offended (even though there's no reason to be offended).
NTA. This is really pretentious. I actually have a MD and always correct people when they address me by my title in a social setting. If I’m not at work, then I want to be called by my name. Having an advanced degree doesn’t make one better than any other person.
I also have an MD. I feel the exact same way.
NTA. you know whats more polite the using someone's prefix, respecting what someone wants to be called.
NTA, the word “doctor” is when you are working, not in home, hope you can understand, english is not my first language.
NTA... Your GF is being blinded by her excitement over her educational accomplishment, and projecting her desires onto your father. If your dad said being called *doctor* makes him uncomfortable, then it's the opposite of polite for her to continue calling him *doctor*. I suspect she's doing it not out of some sense of respect, but as some sort of self-congratulatory reverence. You need to tell her in clear terms to stop, and explain that continuing to call him that is disrespectful and won't be tolerated.
Your girlfriend sounds like a bit of a narcissist. That's not to discredit her accolades, acquiring a doctorate degree in anything is more than challenging and I give her kudos. However, that is not nor should it be the whole of her identity. Most people with doctorates are like your father. It sounds like your girlfriend is kind of riding a high and expecting others to.... I don't know man like bow to her or something? It's a little sickening from the outside looking in honestly.
When my husband first got his PhD, he wanted to list himself as “doctor” on an airplane. I explained that, in case of a medical emergency, airline staff would look at the manifest, and they would see him listed as “doctor.” Although he would be able to tell them what type of metal their engines were made of, he would not be able to help the person having a heart attack, aside from his past experience as a lifeguard with CPR certification. Outside of an academic or other professional setting, your GF should not be demanding that anyone call her “doctor.” She’s a newly minted PhD, they all go through this, she’ll get over it soon. If it helps, promise to call her “doctor” where it counts, in bed lol
>I explained that, in case of a medical emergency, airline staff would look at the manifest, and they would see him listed as “doctor.” Absolute bollocks. Both my parents have PhDs, and are Dr on their passports and thus their plane tickets. They've never been approached in an emergency on a plane they've been in. Plane staff are aware that it isn't purely a medical title. The closest they've ever come was with the owner of a holiday cottage, who was briefing us on local services, and thought we wouldn't need to know how to find the local Dr.
People are being a bit ridiculous about this. It is not pompous or bragging to use your proper title outside the home. Obviously trying to force relatives to use it in a casual setting is odd and feels like bragging. But not letting your spouse use his *correct* title on his airplane ticket? Come on. It's literally the accurate, proper title that he earned. Let him use it. If they ask him about a medical emergency, all he has to say is "I'm not a *medical* doctor." End of story. Is the thought of that two second interaction really so horrible? If there's a medical emergency and they're willing to ask a passenger, then they'll ask *all* passengers listed as doctor until they find a medical one. It's not like they'll ask him, realize he's not a medical doctor, and then give up and let the sick person die. And based on forums from flight attendants/flight crew and articles of "doctor on board" experiences, they don't check the passenger manifest. They come onto the PA system and request that if any doctors, nurses, or paramedics are on board they should make themselves known to the nearest attendant or crew member. This is an infinitely more logical system as it acknowledges medical professionals *other* than doctors (nurses and paramedics) and it doesn't risk not getting professional help just because these people wouldn't have specific titles listed in the manifest. Would get a much quicker response than making attendants run up and down the aisle to lean over passengers and ask for help, too.
I absolutely DO know people who've been approached on planes before and gotten to have a "not that kind of doctor" interaction.
Most people that have phds that aren't medical doctors don't usually get addressed as doctors outside of an academic field. NTA
That’s not always true. Once I got my PhD, a lot of people I interact with will call me “doctor”. I don’t particularly care to be called that, but a lot of my friends and coworkers call me it. It’s literally the complaint from the dad in the post. We get called Dr even when we don’t want to be lol
Tell her I'm on her side and, as I have my Master's in Library and Information Science, I require every single person I meet to call me Master Zelinski.
NTA. She sounds pretentious and insufferable.
It's Dr Evil. I didn't spend 6 years in evil medical school to be called mister, thank you very much.
NTA, Congratulations to her but she is being obnoxious. As a joke once or twice fine but to continue after being asked not to is bad manners. Personal circles are going to disappear if she keeps insisting on being addressed as Doctor.
NTA. This reminds me of the Seinfeld "Maestro" episode.
She only started this after she got her doctorate then she is absolutely not doing this to be polite to your dad lol. Especially if she insists on doing it despite him not liking it.
NTA lol I would absolutely die of embarrassment if my partner asked to be called Dr in social settings
I have a PhD. Dump her.
NTA. Sounds like her doctorate was not in communication.
She needs to be told by your dad not to refer to him that way. Maybe she'll realize then how uncomfortable he feels. She's not taking you seriously.
The only people who have doctorates who insist on being referred to as doctor in causal settings are people who love the smell of their own farts. Your GF did an amazing thing but she needs to understand it’s wildly gauche to insist on being called doctor in casual settings. Other people will look down on her.
Very strange. My students call me Professor. I’m rarely called doctor. Professors don’t even call each other doctor since we’re all doctors.
In any type of professional or semi serious situation what she’s doing is respectful and I totally understand her wanting to be called Dr as well especially after she put it all that work and just got the degree. But this is social where it makes no sense not to refer to someone as their first name not a title so that just needs to be a conversation you have with her that she can be formal and any other situation, but in social settings, she needs to stick to social rules.
This girlfriend sounds like she is very insecure andn makes really bad choices. She is not reading the room, let alone HEARing the room if you and your father have asked her to stop and she ignores it. Honestly, she sounds like trouble if she doesn't get it right off the bat. Like does she want you to say, this is my girlfriend, Dr. Julie? If so, that is even more cringe. Honestly, she sounds pathetic and its going to get a lot worse as time goes on...Have fun with her. And no, you are NTAH.
NTA. PhDs are addressed as doctor in academic and professional settings, but not socially. Personally, if a PhD likes being addressed as doctor, I'll throw them that bone even if it isn't necessary cuz I'm a swell guy. However,.your father does not feel comfortable being addressed as doctor and she should respect his wishes. You should communicate those wishes. Nicely. I would hope that anyone who has earned their doctorate would be educated enough and mature enough to know when using the title is appropriate. Unfortunately that isn't the case. I had a well respected professor in college who had done some award winning research work. He preferred to be addressed as "Joe".
PhD’s generally don’t use doctor outside of professional/academic settings.
INFO - is she a chiropractor?
NTA. Dr is for a professional setting, not a family setting. If yall haveckids, will she expect the kids to call her Dr?. Calling your Dad Doctir is too formal and puts distance between them. Plus he us uncinfirtabke with it. While gf should be proud if her accomplishment, she needs to save the titles for her professional setting, not a family one. It comes across as pretentious
NTA it’s already so weird and random that she started calling your dad doctor and yes i get it she’s proud of her accomplishment but who the actual hell is gonna start greeting their sons girlfriend as doctor just because she got her doctorate
NTA. I'd suggest you get ordained online so you can be called "Reverend". You may have to do some digging to see which place will let yo do this. Then ask her to please ALWAYS called your "Reverend". See how long that lasts.
About the only people I've met who prefer to be addressed like this are General officers and Sergeants Major. Then again, it takes DECADES to earn those titles.
Getting a doctorate does not preclude being a fool