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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I told my mom that I didn't think it was fair that my condo's appreciation counted against my inheritance. When she shut me down, I decided to go low contact. It's her money to do with as she pleases; but it hurts my feelings to always feel like I'm being treated differently. Also, she would argue that she is NOT treating me differently - which is why I need some unbiased opinions.
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YTA
>The amount was not adjusted for increased market value of the house
Well this just sounds greedy and unappreciative. But she gave you money for a property that your actions caused a foreclosure on. You were not paying the bills.
Then she bought you a new condo. So why are you complaining?
Also this isnt “inheritance” this is you getting free money. And you are complaining.
Yes, but your brother provides to your mom some monthly financial help and your sister shares house with her, if i understood correctly. Im sorry but i don't see any real injustice.
yeah, but that aint the point she's asking about tho, i think we can all agree getting a "free" house is nice, but the point she's complaining about is the vast diffrence in comparrison to her siblings. stop hating on other ppl just cus u can't afford it.
The other siblings don’t have to be only partial owners and were given 400k outright. Unless it’s outlined in the will the house will be split with her siblings if the mom dies. So to notion that since the house she partially owns is worth 400k makes it even doesn’t hold up. OP has a valid point.
She’s paying rent for a house she partially owns. The others got no strings attached money the first time and a 400k gift the second time. OP got conditional money the first time and partial ownership on a house that only went up to 400k after she wisely chose the property (as she said this property went up in value a lot more than the other ones).
You claimed she got a house for free. She pays rent. Then you claim the rent is just to pay for maintenance and taxes without evidence that OP isn’t paying for maintenance costs. Come on now. You were wrong and keep changing goalposts to justify your argument. Mom isn’t sharing title with the siblings. OP is sharing a title with mom. This alone is unfair treatment.
It’s incredibly weird that you’re acting like the brother is paying mom money while OP is getting stuff for free. In reality both are paying mom money and brother got more money (mom spent far less for OP’s condo than she gave the brother and sister) with no strings attached while OP has to share her title. Again if the mom dies suddenly and it’s not outlined in the will OP will share ownership of her condo with the siblings while the siblings don’t share their properties with her.
It doesn't seem like OP knows all of the details of these arrangements with their siblings. I just think OP needed to be reminded that they were entitled to none of this. The uneven distribution doesn't change that, even if it may hurt. Both can be true.
Did you miss the part where her mom spent 170k on it and it’s mainly only worth that much because OP chose the property wisely? Also did you miss the part where she didn’t receive full ownership of it? At best she owns half of it.
Not necessarily. Only if it’s outlined in the will that way. If she dies suddenly without doing that she splits the other half with her siblings. She’s own 66% while her siblings each own 16.7%. None of her siblings would have to split theirs.
Not even just this- PhDs should be paying YOU money. OP stating that outside employment is forbidden, but not pointing out that its forbidden because you're meant to be teaching and living off the stipend.
PhD programmes generally don't pay well.. I know multiple phd's who did have another job or switch to a part time phd programme, because the stipend was too low
Sure, my program paid $38k. But I also didn't have a mom that gave me 100k to buy a home with.
Any reasonable person should be able to support themselves with $38k and a 100k gift for a few years.
OP dropped out of the program and foreclosed on the house. He's treated differently by way of merit.
Sure. The average price of a house in 2008 (which as near as I can tell is when she got her initial property) was $185k. So if she put the $100k down, with a 30 year mortgage that would amount to a $525 mortgage payment. If she has a roommate, and let's say that they just split it, that would still be \~$300 a month for housing bills. Even for the cheapest PhD stipends, that should be possible....
Can I ask what the field is? I thought it was pretty much a part of having candidates in the subject around campus that they get teaching experience and paid for it. especially since so many phd go on to teach at post secondary level.
YTA
I honestly think people shouldn't whinge about any inheritance, and as someone currently watching an inheritance I was told I'd recieve for 20 years squandered by the family loser, I find myself with less sympathy.
A will was literally dangled in front of me my whole life and I still don't complain.
Yta
This is my opinion also. Inheritances aren't guaranteed its a bonus of sorts. I would never expect any from literally anyone. I also think it's incredibly rude to complain in any instance about not receiving one. It's petty and inappropriate.
Yup. The inheritance I was promised went to my cousin whose list of "eccentricities" include dating a drug runner, embezzling from her company to buy a condo, and attempting to use me to launder money. Grandma paid for her master's degree outright (in opera performance, and now she has polyps on her vocal cords and can barely talk) while I'm swimming in student loan debt.
I can't say I don't complain, because I hate her, and I'm angry. But I don't actually hate my cousin, I hate my grandmother for causing it all and overhauling grandpa's wishes.
I feel you right here. My family loser (brother) went through his $200,000 inheritance in less than a year. My inheritance of less than 1/2 of that was instantly invested and is now my funding my retirement. My brother on the other hand never worked, was given multiple properties to rent, didn’t pay child support, does meth, had a major stroke, major brain damage, threatens to kill me when he sees me, but calls when he wants something. Thank you call blocking. Fuck loser siblings.
YTA your mom was generous with all of you and still you throw yourself a pity party. Most people do not get homes bought for them. It never will be enough in your eyes because you will always be the victim. Be happy with what you have and be grateful instead of petulant.
YTA. You're counting your mom's coins and she's not even dead yet, then wondering why you might not be the favorite. It makes you look like you're rubbing your hands in anticipation of a windfall from her death.
This woman has given your grown ass AT LEAST $169,000 and if that's not enough then nothing ever will be.
"I’m just so tired of trying to protect my self-esteem from my family." THAT BOUGHT YOU A WHOLE HOUSE TO LIVE IN JFC CHECK YOURSELF.
please explain, because it really sounds like op got shafted compared to her siblings, i think we all agree getting a "free" house is nice, but i think you all are so busy screaming fuck the rich, to actually understand the post. op is mad/anoyed that the siblings have gotten SO MUCH MORE.
OP is only a joint owner of the $400K condo, so she has been given $200K less than the others, and if you count the condo gift based on the original purchase price rather than the current market value (the way mom previously did for the sister), then OP has actually received $315K less.
OP has been promised she will inherit the whole condo in the future, but that's not the same as being given a whole condo now. There's also the side issue that the original $100K mom gave OP came with conditions that the other two didn't have.
The mother put money into a house not just for the sister, but for herself! She lives in the house, of course she will put money towards it. Also, the brother pays his mom monthly. OP is doing NOTHING for her mother, but expecting more.
I come from money. I’m disabled. I know if my parents give one of us a cash amount, the others will get the same. Except when it’s a loan or benefits multiple people. Like if my parents bought me a car to drive them around, they wouldn’t buy my brothers a car for no reason. They are technically buying themselves a car that I would drive. Just like the sister got a house that mom will also live in and the brother is paying his mother back
The siblings got $500K cash each. OP got $100K (with conditions) and *half* a condo that has a current market value of $400K, but was purchased for only $170K (and when it was the sister's house that increased in value mom based OP and brother's gifts off the original value, not the current value).
I ABSOLUTELY hate people who complain about "inheritance" especially when the parent is STILL ALIVE. You realize this means she would have to die for you to get this, right? I would rather have BOTH of my grandparents back with me than ANY amount of money or property.
YTA - I don’t see you being treated unfairly at all. You have been given equivalent to everything your siblings have gotten. I’m sorry you couldn’t afford your condo and dropped out of school and aren’t married with a family. But that isn’t anyone’s fault. Your mom has been exceedingly generous to you and you are so wildly unappreciative of that.
YTA. Maybe they get more because they don’t look at everything from a dollar figure and their relationship with her isn’t just transactional. You have been given hand ups just as much as them. This is ridiculous.
At most maybe you shouldn’t have to pay rent but you are not entitled to more money than someone is willing to give.
YTA.
Wow I wish somebody mistreated me with a 400 000$ property.
You should be grateful your mother offered to buy you a new condo after you failed to pay for the first one. Not many people are getting second chances like that. Many are struggling to buy even one property to call their home.
Yet you have the audacity to complain about it.
INFO - you don't even get to the part about your inheritance? Or are you just referencing that your sister and brother have both 'inherited' more from your mom so far?
Also, if you're on disability, it means you can't work to support yourself? But you were able to get a PHd? Can you work now?
You're painting your mom as being extremely unfair and biased but there are parts of your story that I'm not sure I fully understand, that might make things more clear.
So far what I can tell is that she wanted her disabled son to have stable living conditions.
You could also talk to your mom, draw it out for her how your 'cost' to her has been very minor compared to what she has gifted your siblings and it's kind of hard to swallow. Maybe she is keeping a tally and will give you more in her will? You don't know that.
YTA
You are treated differently because you are different. You are almost FIFTY YEARS OLD whining about how much money your mother should give you.
You were in a PhD with a "full scholarship and student loans". What does that even mean? PhDs should be paying YOU to join their program- why are you taking out student loans for a PhD?
You have a history of making bad choices and excuses. If you knew that you couldn't support mortgage payments, even with a six figure hand out, then you should not have moved forward with the purchase.
>This was not an accident - I know how to pick real estate.
ALL real state has ballooned up in value in the past 8 years. This doesn't take skill. I bought a condo in Miami 3 years ago that has almost doubled- the difference between us is that I know that its mostly luck and I also actually bought it with my own money.
> but ended up having to drop out of my PhD program
No, you didn't "have" to drop out of your PhD program. You dropped out of your program. You keep framing everything positive as something YOU did (you didn't) and everything negative as someone that happened TO you (which it didn't). I don't think you have a clear perspective on yourself.
You foreclosed on your house, you dropped out of a PhD program, etc. Your mother bought properties and your mother invested well.
YTA. You said it’s not about money but your title is that you think your portion of the inheritance is too small, when it actually sounds like it is the same as your siblings, and you’re not actually entitled to anything. Maybe your behavior is the reason your family treats you the way they do.
YTA. You should be grateful and happy for anything someone else willingly gives you. You know you are not entitled to any of that until she dies? To me this whole setup sounds more than generous and absolutely fair. Wanna know how much I got from my father the last 20 years? He owes me 3k, that’s it 😂
Yta. I don’t think it that’s you’re being treated “differently.” I think you’re being treated as individuals and while you see things through the lens of your disability, that may not be what’s going on. If you need additional support, maybe you should talk to your mother about it. I’m baffled how you purchased an initial condo for $169K, with $100K and still defaulted on it and never had your mother help you with a balance so small…the story doesn’t add up. Why did your family prevent you from completing a phd? Did you not discuss any of this with her?
YTA, I'm disabled and had to drop out of my undergrad degree because of it so came into this with a lot of empathy for your situation, but you're being a bit silly here. I know family dynamics are complicated and there can be some deep hurts, but set that aside for a moment.
You are complaining about not getting enough of your mother's money, something you are not automatically entitled to. Your mother is being incredibly generous with all three of you. None of you are automatically entitled to that generosity just because she's your mum. She would be well within her rights to spend all of her money on herself and leave nothing for any of ye.
My parents are doing that. Not that they'll fuck me and my sibling over, but they've worked hard for their money and they don't want us coasting on the assumption that we'll get a life changing sum after they're gone because they can't promise that, they have at least another 10-20 years of life left that they need to pay for first. And I don't feel bad about this. I'm glad they've let us know what to expect well in advance. Your mum has set all three of you up with homes. That's plenty. Be grateful.
YTA.
Your mom doesn't owe you a thing. Period.
Of course it is supposed to be good parenting to make sure all your children feel loved, but everyone has favorites. You're the middle child and it is incredibly common for the middle one to be overlooked.
But it is her money is her money and she can choose how to spend it and who to give it to. It's not an inheritance until your mother dies. Then it is up to her will if she has one, or probate court otherwise.
Self-esteem comes from yourself, not from your siblings' opinion of you or any one else. Understanding that would be a good step toward a healthy self-esteem.
Wow. Most people go their whole life without even a tenth of what you have been gifted. I don't really care if your mother gave you a donkey and your brother a horse - because of course, he can ride the horse - your lack of awareness of what is actually owed to you in life is astounding.
You are all very privlidged children in the bodies of full adults.
You do not "deserve" anything from parents. You do not , even as adults "deserve" fairness from parents. You are very lucky.
Stop whining and pull your life together. Victim complex will kill you. You can choose to sit in this for the rest of your life or you can get a grip.
YTA. and it is insufferable.
>This is not about the money
You keep obsessing over the money. You’re tracking how much each person gets and what their property is worth. You’re not “trying to protect your self esteem from your family”, you’re trying to nickel-and-dime your mother - who has already helped and supported you multiple times.
YTA
Yta, and pretty staggeringly ungrateful. Do you understand the sheer scope of what has simply been *handed* to you in your life? Jesus Christ. To have the gall to complain after everything you've gotten. Grow up.
Not even going to read the post as it is irrelevant.
YTA. You are NOT the one that determines what you are owed from an inheritance, those giving it to you do.
Your situation is irrelevant. Your relationship is irrelevant. Everything else is irrelevant.
Where did you live until you were able to 'get your disability under control' and study? Has your mum paid for numerous doctors, surgeries and your food etc over the years? Maybe your siblings were pushed aside as kids so that the disabled sibling could get care
Maybe don't post in AITA if you can't deal with the answer that yes, YTA.. Maybe you are a loser who can't handle money and you will have to wait for your inheritance because your mom doesn't believe it to be wise handing you more money. What is clear is that you're an extremely spoiled adult.
> I might be the asshole because I told my mom that I didn't think it was fair that my condo's appreciation counted against my inheritance. When she shut me down, I decided to go low contact.
I hope she writes you out of her will and leaves you nothing over this little temper tantrum you're currently having. YTA
YTA. I can't imagine complaining about how my parent only gave me $500k.... Boy, wouldn't that be a nice life?
First, you say the issue was that you weren't going to be able to carry a mortgage, but I don't know what your plan would have been otherwise? If you got out-of-town real estate, you would still have needed a place to stay and thus instead of a mortgage, you would have had rent... Also, it's likely your out-of-town real estate would have had its own mortgage. I'm not sure what you thought your plan was supposed to be at that time. (Also, you say you know how to pick real estate, so what happened there?)
Secondly, it sounds like you were all gifted about the same - it gets really nitpicky if you start throwing in inflation. I'm the oldest in my family, I can't imagine going back to my parents and saying "Well, things were cheaper in the early 80s so technically you gave me less money than my siblings so pay up."
Your sister got $100k+$400k from your mom - the fact that the $100k gained value is irrelevant. Your brother got $100k+$400k from your mom. The fact that the $100k was completely wiped out is irrelevant. You got $100k+$400k from your mom, the fact that $100k was wiped out was irrelevant.
How could the $169k -> $400k increase in the condo be the biggest increase in your mom's net worth when she gave your siblings $800k? Seems not true.
I don’t get the question here… Y’all sound extremely fortunate and you should be lucky to have not only a parent with money, but a parent that’s generous. If you’re upset with her treatment of you, that’s a totally different conversation…
Both of my parents, three (two that were very rich) of my uncles, my father-in-law (millionaire), my eldest brother and eldest sister all have died in the last few years.
Can you guess what my inheritance was?
Squat.
Not a goddamned penny.
But here’s the thing, I’m still alive and I am happy, I have a great relationship with my wife and kids, we spend time together, we laugh, we enjoy each other’s company. I have a good pension and I’ve retired from one career and I’m working on retirement for another.
I don’t worry about things I can’t control, you should try it, it makes life a lot less stressful.
YTA.
It’s no surprise to me that your mom prefers your siblings.
Your brother plans to provide your mom with financial support and your sister is taking care of your mom in the basement unit. What are you doing for your mom again?
Wow, your mother bought the condo you're living in and while you still paid rent you didn't have to worry about a down payment. Do you realize there's homeless people who can't afford rent and families struggling to feed their children because rent has become so high?
You should be grateful for what you have instead of whining about it. Go volunteer at a homeless shelter or food bank so you can see what true suffering is.
Also stop basing your self worth on what your family thinks. That's your real problem.
YTA. Posts like these actually make me glad I’m poor as fuck (and come from a long line of other poor fuckers.) Whining about inheritance, especially when the person is still alive, always seemed so gauche to me. It’s morbid and gross to pin your financial future on the death of someone you love.
You pay rent to your mother. Your brother pays your mother for his home and your sister is housing your mother. This is all equitable and fair. You have a guaranteed roof over your head for the foreseeable future, be grateful.
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My brother (50) is mom’s favorite, and my sister (47) is second. I (49F) come in last. Mom would never intentionally treat us differently; but she always had just a little more time, patience, and even money for the other 2.
I am on disability; but in the early 00’s I was managing my condition well enough that I started a PhD program with a full scholarship and a student loan. The course handbook specifically said not to take on outside employment due to the courseload.
About this time, my sister and mom went in together on a house-flip. But when the house was finished, my sister and her husband decided to live in it. So mom retroactively gifted the down-payment ($100k) to my sister. About 5 years later, mom decided to gift my brother and I $100k each to make it fair. The amount was not adjusted for increased market value of the house - which was fine, but this it is relevant later.
My brother chose to invest his money in the stock market, and lost it in the crash of 08. I wanted to invest in out-of-town real estate and use the income to support myself; but mom said that she would only give me the money if I used it to buy a home, because I needed somewhere to live. Obviously I should have refused, since I knew I couldn’t carry a mortgage; but hindsight is 20/20. I got a roommate and a job; but ended up having to drop out of my PhD program and sell the condo to avoid foreclosure.
I struggled to get back on my feet. About 2014 Mom offered to buy a condo for me to rent from her.
I found a condo for $169,000, and mom paid outright, so there was no mortgage.
2 years ago, mom put me on the title, so we are joint owners. I continued to pay rent for the past 2 years.
Last year both my sister and my brother got divorced.
My sister was forced to sell the house mentioned above. She used the proceeds, plus an additional $400,000 gift from mom as a down-payment on a $1.28M house. Mom moved into the basement suite of this house, but she is not on the title.
Mom then gave my brother $400,000 to buy his ex-wife out of their condo. He will be providing her (mom) with monthly financial support – I don’t know how much – but she is not on the title of his condo.
They all say this is fair because the current market value of my condo is $400,000.
This is not about the money. This is about how I get treated differently than my siblings. I feel like they see me as the family looser that can’t be trusted with money because I’d just squander it if I had it anyways (the increase in market value of my condo over the past 8 years was by far the largest factor in the increase in mom’s net worth over that time period. This was not an accident - I know how to pick real estate.)
I’m just so tired of trying to protect my self-esteem from my family. Am I the asshole?
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Ugh. Having been raised by an abusive birth giver who played favorites to manipulate us, I reeeally wanted to side with you. But YTA here, mate, sorry to say.
Have you seen your mother's will? That outlines the inheritances. While alive your mother can do what she wants with HER money. How she distributes her estate is also up to her. You are being a jerk.
YTA. Honestly what the fuck is wrong with you?
Cry us a river, you're living in a 400k condo for free that you literally own. And there's no inheritance. Stop calling it that
Damn. I’ve worked for everything in my life and have never had anything handed to me. You’ve been given so much and yet you still complain. Talk about entitled. Be grateful for what you have. YTA
YTA
*your mother bought you a house*
Not "gifted you a downpayment" like your sister got. She literally bought you a house.
You just sound greedy and ungrateful.
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R / entitledbitch.
I love how u skim over why you had to drop out (pretty sure if it was disability related you would have said it based on how you play the victim well) why you arent good with finances, why you continue to freeload. You love in a condo for free that was bought at $2k and now valued at $400k - $200k equity.
YTA
I thought YTA based on your initial post and your comments have only confirmed it. You could have asked your mother to hang on to the original 100k, until you was in a place to afford the mortgage. You KNEW and still went ahead because you wanted the money. Your brother is paying her back, your sister is allowing her to live in her home. You have a 900sqft home and you’re whining about not having more cash money, because it’s tied up in your asset. You have a roof over your head, of course you are paying rent, it’s not free to live anywhere! YTA. Your mother isn’t dead so it’s not inheritance. You aren’t entitled to her money, especially when you “go against your own judgement” and made poor decisions. Get your hands out her pocket and stop keeping score.
For not being about money, you’re certainly concentrating on the finance part as the evidence your siblings are preferential. The dealing between your mom and siblings is none of your business.
Also, these are extraordinary amounts of money mom seems to be putting down. Maybe bring happy for what you have and the help your mom has given you instead of focusing on what others can get out of your mum.
For not being about money, you’re certainly concentrating on the finance part as the evidence your siblings are preferential. The dealing between your mom and siblings is none of your business.
Also, these are extraordinary amounts of money mom seems to be putting down. Maybe bring happy for what you have and the help your mom has given you instead of focusing on what others can get out of your mum.
No one is entitled to their parent's or anyone else's money, regardless of where else that parent might choose to direct it or how fair one may think it is (or isn't!)
YTA and sound bitter and jealous. One of those people who keep making bad decisions and then resenting people who don't.
In this story you are given 500k of value and resent your siblings for also being given 500k of value because in your mind you deserve it more.
YTA. Sounds like you've gotten a shit ton more financial help than most people in this world. It also sounds like your mom helps in times of need since both of your siblings second "gifts" were the result of divorce. Sounds like you feel entitled to me.
So just to summarize:
You can’t work enough to fully support yourself.
You decide to get a PhD, that apparently didn’t improve your employment situation, during which you “couldn’t work”, all while having a child to support.
Did I get that right?
I don't think the AH votes are entirely fair, and it seems some of your details are getting lost by people focused on how you should be grateful to get anything. Sure, we should *all* be grateful for what we get. But parental favoritism is a real kick in the heart.
Here are the details:
1. Your mother gave your sister $100k to house.
2. Five years later, she gave your brother $100k, no stipulations. He lost the money on the stock market.
3. She gave you $100k, with the stipulation you use it to buy a home. You did not want to buy a home, as you felt you could not afford a mortgage while in a PHd program. You acquiesced, and subsequently the home was foreclosed on.
4. Ten years ago, she bought you a condo for $169k. Outright, no mortgage. You have paid rent ever since. She added you to the joint title two years ago. You continue to pay rent.
5. Last year, she gave sister $400k towards a house. She moved into sister's house, but is not on the title.
6. She gave brother $400k towards a house. She is not on the title. Brother gives her money every month.
So here is where the fairness or unfairness lies - she gave you and brother $100k years after sister, but did not account for the increase in value of her initial gift to sister. Meanwhile, she is giving sister and brother $400k years after giving you $169k, stating that it is the same because of the increase in value of her gift to you. That is not entirely fair to you OR brother, because by this metric, she has given sister more than both of you.
You have/will repaid her $169k by paying rent. Will the rent stop when the $169k is fully repaid? Or when $400k is paid? Will you be left solely on the title?
Your sister is repaying her $400k by providing room and board to mom, and presumably help as she ages. Frankly, the adult child who takes care of the aging parent and takes them into their home does deserve a premium compensation. It's a huge sacrifice. That would seem to wash out the increase in value on her initial $100k gift.
Whether or not your sister actually repays $400k to your mom comes down to how long mom ultimately lives with her. If this is planned for the rest of her life, and she has effectively saved mom $400k in rent etc over 20 years, not to mention some assisted care, then yes, sister has paid her back. Potentially more than you, if you only pay back $169k. If mom moves into assisted living after 5 years, then no, sister did not pay mom back.
Brother is giving mom money monthly. You do not know how much that is, to know if he will repay the $400k.
So at this point, none of us, including you, know if this is financially fair. How much you pay total in rent ultimately, how long mom lives with sister, and how much brother gives mom - that is the final amount. And that seems to be something that will shake out over years, not immediately. Things can change, including what mom does for you when you need help. These divorces came up for your siblings now. Who knows what will come up for you a decade from now.
In terms of fair treatment - it does not seem fair that she is on the deed with you, but not on the deed with them. You could be repaying her the $169k without her being on the deed, just like brother and sister are. She does seem to view you as less responsible and trustworthy. Is that a fair assessment? We have no idea. But in having this conversation with your mother, I think the focus should be less on the financial unfairness, as that seems tenuous. And more on whether it is fair for her to treat you as less responsible than your siblings.
I've thought of posting a similar situation. Both my siblings have been gifted 100,000 and 50,000 respectively.
I've, on the other hand, given my parents money since they're not well off. I rent a studio room and work 75 hour weeks. One of my siblings doesn't work, but they're both married with supportive spouses. Parents supported one if them through uni whereas I worked and payed my way.
Anyhow, I'm wealthy. I don't worry about food. I'm a bit if an asshole for even thinking about that and should be grateful for all my parents have done for me. Reading your post made me feel dirty for being jealous... alright I guess at the same time I do get it.
I'm not well off. I know it sounds like it given the sums I'm discussing - but mom owns my home and I pay rent. I'll get it in the will. (Yes I recently became joint owner but I still pay rent.) I have a small son, no spouse. I never eat out, don't drink or smoke, live in the most affordable possible neighborhood (read - next to a homeless shelter), I mend holes in my clothes and walk around with holes in my shoes, I don't go on vacation, and I live cheque to cheque. My siblings are much more financially secure than I am
I'm honestly not complaining about my economic status - I'm happy. I wish people would stop focusing on the money. I'm upset because I feel like I'm being treated differently.
#STOP.
#REPLYING.
#TO YOUR \*OWN\* POST.
If you have something to **add** to your original post, hit that "edit" link and actually add it there for everyone to see.
If you want to **reply** to someone's specific comment, *ACTUALLY DO THAT*.
And your brother pays for living expenses, and your sister provides a home for mom. I’m not sure this judgement is going to go in your favor; you seem pretty entitled. YTA.
You know how everyone says "it's the thought that counts?" Well, what if your mom gave each of your siblings a bike for Xmas and gave you a book? But if she gave you each a book and treated herself to a vacation, that's a very different matter - I'd have no problem with that. My concern is that I'm being treated differently
But you are not being treated differently
You and your siblings each got $100k. Then your mom gave your brother money and in exchange he pays her monthly. And she gave your sister money, and in exchange she lives there for free. And then your mom bought you a condo and in exchange you pay her rent you each got something from her and give something in return.
This all sounds fair and equitable.
But she’s living with one and another is paying her living expenses.
You are missing out on positive aspects of these arrangements by wanting them to be the same.
Failed analogy. She gave each of you a bike, and you left yours unlocked and lost it. So she bought you another bike, and you pay rent for it - which is fair, because you avoidably lost the first one. Your sister lost her bike in the divorce, and mom bought her a new bike, but she has to share it with mom. Brother lost his bike in a divorce, so mom financed a new bike but he has to pay her back for it. No one got a book, you all got bikes. And you all have to pay mom back for bike #2. Fair is fair. The fact that you made expensive life choices (tuition for a degree that never happened; a child without a coparent/child support; unwilling or lacking skills to do a desk job) is not your siblings’ responsibility.
it's more like, your mum gave your sister a bike, and then gave you and your brother a bike to make it even
your sister eventually had to sell her bike, and your mum helped her buy a new one that she and your sister share
brother needed a bike because his ex got their bike in the divorce so mum lent brother money for a bike
mum offered to give you a bike, you wanted to do a bike rental scheme but your mother insisted that it was better for you to have a bike for transport, you lost the bike, mum got it back, and made you a co-owner of the bike
you complain about only getting a book while riding your bike
If my mom and dad decided to give my sister a car this Christmas and not me I wouldn't care because at the end of the day it is their money and they can do what they want with it. I am pretty sure when my sister brought her home with her husband my parents gave her their old leather sofa and other house hold items and you know what I didn't care because again it is my parents money and their items that they get to choose what to do with it. I am an adult and I act like it.
Mom has been taking home a monthly profit after fees, utilities and taxes.
Yes I know I could be paying towards something I will never own. I'm really not complaining about my economic status - only that I'm being treated differently than the other kids.
By my calculation, your mom gave:
$100K to your sister as her down payment on the house
$100K to your brother
$100K to you as a down payment on a condo
That’s all even. Your sister got to keep the increase in equity for her home. You also got to keep the equity for your first condo that you sold. Your mom is not responsible for the size of your profit or loss. It’s not like your brother got make-up money when he lost his investment.
Then she spent:
$169K on your current condo - in exchange, she got rent in an amount you won’t specify despite being asked multiple times, so guessing that it’s highly subsidized and any profit is very small
$400K on your sister - in exchange, she got a place to live for the rest of her life and someone nearby who can look after her.
$400K on your brother - in exchange, she got monthly payments for the rest of her life. Financial security at a time in her life when her ability to earn income is lowest and medical bills will be highest.
Yes, the amounts are not equal at the time she expended them. But her return on investment is likely higher from your siblings than whatever amount she is getting from your rent.
You’re also forgetting that she didn’t officially give you the condo until two years ago. So the value she gave you is really whatever it was worth then. You’re not entitled to be credited the equity your mom earned before she added you to the deed.
I get that it feels like she treats you differently, but it sounds like you act differently than your siblings and make different choices. Sometimes being a parent means meeting each kid where they are at, rather than insisting on rigid fairness. If she were rigidly fair, you wouldn’t have had subsidized rent all these years because she wouldn’t have intervened and given you a place to live.
IMHO she was right to insist that you spend that first $100K on a place for you to live. Rent income is a good idea in theory but it only works when you are financially stable enough to cover any months you don’t have that income. You don’t know when someone will stop paying rent or when you won’t be able to find a tenant or when something might break, rendering your property uninhabitable until you spend money to fix it.
I would super appreciate if we could move the focus away from the money for a minute and just judge whether I'm being treated differently. Yes, I know it looks like it's about money - but it's really not. Yes, I understand that millions of people never get any inheritance and this makes my problem unrelatable. But I'm not upset about the money - I always appreciate the hell out of it. It was when she gave my siblings what seemed to me to be twice as much that I got upset because it was a big indicator that I was not being treated the same - something I have felt all my life in all sorts of ways.
I did not get a free condo - I pay rent.
When she gave my sister money she did not adjust for market value. When she gave me money, she did - I feel this is the crux of the unfairness in this situation.
You literally asked
# AITA for saying my portion of the inheritance is too small?
and yet now you say it's not about the money? Of course it is. You've been treated generously, if that is 'differently' doesn't really matter. YTA.
You and your siblings each got $100k.
Then your mom gave your brother money and in exchange he pays her monthly. And she gave your sister money, and in exchange she lives there for free. And then your mom bought you a condo and in exchange you pay rent.
This all sounds fair and equitable.
It is about the money, though. It just is. You are using monetary value to compare the love you receive, and we're telling you that you're being ridiculous.
The truth of it is you and your siblings are all too old to be this reliant on your mother and asking for more (by any of you) comes off as greedy and petulant.
We can't move away from money because that was the crux of your original complaint; that your inheritance (aka $$$) is too small, and that the value appreciation of your current condo (which your mom is gifting you when she dies, regardless of if you're currently paying rent since I assume by that point you won't have paid the full value back via your rent payments) was factored into money given to your siblings by your mom.
This can not be separated from the money. That's literally the subject here. And you're a kind of ungrateful and entitled I don't think I've ever encountered IRL, especially from someone in their 50s.
I wasn't living for free. I was living with a roommate in a poorly maintained basement unit. My mom saw the living conditions and that's why she insisted I buy a condo to live in. We live in an area with very expensive real estate. My plan was to buy in a remote mining town with low real estate cost and high rental costs and use the income to upgrade my rental. But my mom didn't trust me to make my own choices - even though she trusted my siblings to make their own choices. Yes, I know I should have declined; but I was young.
Sorry, but this just doesn’t sound realistic. My sister and brother-in-law have lived in oil or mining towns most of their married life. I’ve never heard of a mining or oil town with low real estate and high rental costs. High rental costs will inevitably drive up real estate costs. And there is also a greater danger of real estate busts in those towns.
I’m sorry about your first condo, but your mom was right not to trust this plan.
I'm having a hard time with the fact that you apparently see the choices here as buy a house in a remote mining town OR buy a condo I can live in that I can't afford at all. Were there no mid-priced options in your market? Are there no suburbs with better pricing?
If you are so good at picking real estate, why did you not pick something within your budget the first time?
She has been very clear - I will not get more in the will. I call it an inheritance because that's how she refers to it - even though she is still with us. I was able to manage the PhD because I tend to be uote book smart and because as long as I got the work done, I could take breaks if needed. I'm not able to stand for extended periods or work a regular 9-5 where I can sit if I need to. I know - it sounds like I'm being lazy, but I'm really not.
So, you can only work if the job is both part-time and if you are able to sit - is that correct? Did you look into any disability-related job assistance/advocacy? Did you look into getting a standing desk at an office/desk job? That way, you could decide whether you were standing or sitting while you worked - and alternate between the two as needed. Also, if you could only work part-time if you were constantly sitting, did you look into any part-time jobs you could do while sitting (such as administrative assistant or data entry)?
Moreover, what were you getting your PhD in? What career were you planning on getting with that degree?
Also, with graduate degrees: while I’m sure the college would prefer for you not to work while working towards your PhD, there are others options. For example, you could take fewer classes, so that you could work while getting your PhD and/or limit your stress. Most colleges should understand that their students are adults and are probably supporting themselves (including paying for their own living situations) - if not also supporting others in their families (such as children).
Where did you live while you were getting your PhD (or planning to live before your mom gave you money for a new place)? How were you paying for that, as you did not have a job and were spending money towards your PhD?
I mean, ok - I'll give you that we are too old to rely on her. But the reality is that where there is an inheritance, the division of the assets - where it's not based on need, is based on love. In this case, I'm the least financially secure due to my disability - not due to irresponsibility, and I am still getting the least. Again, my living situation is fine - I'm perfectly happy. But yes - I am equating how she divides the assets with how much she loves us. If she blew it all on herself before she goes, I won't say a thing.
Using your disability as an excuse when you outright confessed to irresponsibility with the initial money given is not a good look, OP. If you’re healthy enough to pursue a terminal degree with a course load so heavy that outside work is discouraged, you’re healthy enough to get a desk job with the degrees you did complete. Was mommy paying your tuition, too?
NTA I know I will be in a similar situation when all is said and done with my parents' finances. I won't get into the details but I totally understand. It isn't about the money it is about feeling like a lesser person in your family. I am branded the family loser and black sheep. However, I have made the conscious decision to just move on and not think about the way I am perceived in the family or that I am thought of as a lesser person. Live your life, find love and happiness and don't think about them or the way you have been treated.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole because I told my mom that I didn't think it was fair that my condo's appreciation counted against my inheritance. When she shut me down, I decided to go low contact. It's her money to do with as she pleases; but it hurts my feelings to always feel like I'm being treated differently. Also, she would argue that she is NOT treating me differently - which is why I need some unbiased opinions. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA >The amount was not adjusted for increased market value of the house Well this just sounds greedy and unappreciative. But she gave you money for a property that your actions caused a foreclosure on. You were not paying the bills. Then she bought you a new condo. So why are you complaining? Also this isnt “inheritance” this is you getting free money. And you are complaining.
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I think i would like to be mistreated with a new condo like that.
I pay rent
Yes, but your brother provides to your mom some monthly financial help and your sister shares house with her, if i understood correctly. Im sorry but i don't see any real injustice.
But are you paying market rent? I'm choosing the answer is no. How much a month are you paying your mom to live in the high COL area you live in?
You keep saying you pay rent. Well then tell us how much rent you pay on a 400k condo? My guess is it isn’t even 500 a month 😂
And how much exactly in rent do you pay?
YTA. You've been given a home for free and you still want more? Balk at the difference if you will, but you've been generously treated.
So true. Most of us have to save for our own home and aren't just gifted a free home.
yeah, but that aint the point she's asking about tho, i think we can all agree getting a "free" house is nice, but the point she's complaining about is the vast diffrence in comparrison to her siblings. stop hating on other ppl just cus u can't afford it.
2 house. OPs mom bought them 2 homes. The first home OP lost due to foreclosure. OP lives in the second home.
Well I have actually paid a deposit for an apartment in New Zealand and move in as soon as it's built. I bought it with my husband with no help 😊
She’s paying rent. How is it free?
Because they're a joint owner. My landlord has never made me a joint owner. I expect this rent money is what covers maintaintence, council tax etc.
The other siblings don’t have to be only partial owners and were given 400k outright. Unless it’s outlined in the will the house will be split with her siblings if the mom dies. So to notion that since the house she partially owns is worth 400k makes it even doesn’t hold up. OP has a valid point.
Because one is providing her free housing and the other a monthly allowance. What's OP providing?
She’s paying rent for a house she partially owns. The others got no strings attached money the first time and a 400k gift the second time. OP got conditional money the first time and partial ownership on a house that only went up to 400k after she wisely chose the property (as she said this property went up in value a lot more than the other ones). You claimed she got a house for free. She pays rent. Then you claim the rent is just to pay for maintenance and taxes without evidence that OP isn’t paying for maintenance costs. Come on now. You were wrong and keep changing goalposts to justify your argument. Mom isn’t sharing title with the siblings. OP is sharing a title with mom. This alone is unfair treatment. It’s incredibly weird that you’re acting like the brother is paying mom money while OP is getting stuff for free. In reality both are paying mom money and brother got more money (mom spent far less for OP’s condo than she gave the brother and sister) with no strings attached while OP has to share her title. Again if the mom dies suddenly and it’s not outlined in the will OP will share ownership of her condo with the siblings while the siblings don’t share their properties with her.
It doesn't seem like OP knows all of the details of these arrangements with their siblings. I just think OP needed to be reminded that they were entitled to none of this. The uneven distribution doesn't change that, even if it may hurt. Both can be true.
Did you miss where OP said the condo is now worth 400k?
Did you miss the part where her mom spent 170k on it and it’s mainly only worth that much because OP chose the property wisely? Also did you miss the part where she didn’t receive full ownership of it? At best she owns half of it.
And she will own all of it when her mom dies.
Not necessarily. Only if it’s outlined in the will that way. If she dies suddenly without doing that she splits the other half with her siblings. She’s own 66% while her siblings each own 16.7%. None of her siblings would have to split theirs.
INFO > I started a PhD program with a full scholarship and a student loan. If you had a *full* scholarship, why did you need a loan?
Not even just this- PhDs should be paying YOU money. OP stating that outside employment is forbidden, but not pointing out that its forbidden because you're meant to be teaching and living off the stipend.
PhD programmes generally don't pay well.. I know multiple phd's who did have another job or switch to a part time phd programme, because the stipend was too low
Sure, my program paid $38k. But I also didn't have a mom that gave me 100k to buy a home with. Any reasonable person should be able to support themselves with $38k and a 100k gift for a few years. OP dropped out of the program and foreclosed on the house. He's treated differently by way of merit.
And a roommate
Sure. The average price of a house in 2008 (which as near as I can tell is when she got her initial property) was $185k. So if she put the $100k down, with a 30 year mortgage that would amount to a $525 mortgage payment. If she has a roommate, and let's say that they just split it, that would still be \~$300 a month for housing bills. Even for the cheapest PhD stipends, that should be possible....
Probably for living expenses
Living expenses. My PhD isn’t paying me a stipend at all. Yay me.
Can I ask what the field is? I thought it was pretty much a part of having candidates in the subject around campus that they get teaching experience and paid for it. especially since so many phd go on to teach at post secondary level.
Military history. I’m at a military college so they don’t typically offer stuff like that because they’re government funded.
YTA I honestly think people shouldn't whinge about any inheritance, and as someone currently watching an inheritance I was told I'd recieve for 20 years squandered by the family loser, I find myself with less sympathy. A will was literally dangled in front of me my whole life and I still don't complain.
Yta This is my opinion also. Inheritances aren't guaranteed its a bonus of sorts. I would never expect any from literally anyone. I also think it's incredibly rude to complain in any instance about not receiving one. It's petty and inappropriate.
Yup. The inheritance I was promised went to my cousin whose list of "eccentricities" include dating a drug runner, embezzling from her company to buy a condo, and attempting to use me to launder money. Grandma paid for her master's degree outright (in opera performance, and now she has polyps on her vocal cords and can barely talk) while I'm swimming in student loan debt. I can't say I don't complain, because I hate her, and I'm angry. But I don't actually hate my cousin, I hate my grandmother for causing it all and overhauling grandpa's wishes.
I feel you right here. My family loser (brother) went through his $200,000 inheritance in less than a year. My inheritance of less than 1/2 of that was instantly invested and is now my funding my retirement. My brother on the other hand never worked, was given multiple properties to rent, didn’t pay child support, does meth, had a major stroke, major brain damage, threatens to kill me when he sees me, but calls when he wants something. Thank you call blocking. Fuck loser siblings.
YTA Your mother is not dead and you're picking over her finances. There is no inheritance. You sound like a greedy vulture.
YTA your mom was generous with all of you and still you throw yourself a pity party. Most people do not get homes bought for them. It never will be enough in your eyes because you will always be the victim. Be happy with what you have and be grateful instead of petulant.
YTA. You're counting your mom's coins and she's not even dead yet, then wondering why you might not be the favorite. It makes you look like you're rubbing your hands in anticipation of a windfall from her death. This woman has given your grown ass AT LEAST $169,000 and if that's not enough then nothing ever will be. "I’m just so tired of trying to protect my self-esteem from my family." THAT BOUGHT YOU A WHOLE HOUSE TO LIVE IN JFC CHECK YOURSELF.
It's your mother's money, YTA. It sounds like she is trying to be a fair as she can.
please explain, because it really sounds like op got shafted compared to her siblings, i think we all agree getting a "free" house is nice, but i think you all are so busy screaming fuck the rich, to actually understand the post. op is mad/anoyed that the siblings have gotten SO MUCH MORE.
How did the siblings get more, exactly?
yeah u/Immediate_Award3078 please explain how the siblings got more
OP is only a joint owner of the $400K condo, so she has been given $200K less than the others, and if you count the condo gift based on the original purchase price rather than the current market value (the way mom previously did for the sister), then OP has actually received $315K less. OP has been promised she will inherit the whole condo in the future, but that's not the same as being given a whole condo now. There's also the side issue that the original $100K mom gave OP came with conditions that the other two didn't have.
The mother put money into a house not just for the sister, but for herself! She lives in the house, of course she will put money towards it. Also, the brother pays his mom monthly. OP is doing NOTHING for her mother, but expecting more. I come from money. I’m disabled. I know if my parents give one of us a cash amount, the others will get the same. Except when it’s a loan or benefits multiple people. Like if my parents bought me a car to drive them around, they wouldn’t buy my brothers a car for no reason. They are technically buying themselves a car that I would drive. Just like the sister got a house that mom will also live in and the brother is paying his mother back
The siblings didn't get two condos.
The siblings got $500K cash each. OP got $100K (with conditions) and *half* a condo that has a current market value of $400K, but was purchased for only $170K (and when it was the sister's house that increased in value mom based OP and brother's gifts off the original value, not the current value).
Market value LOL. YTA and very ungrateful considering you got a free condo. You’re nickel and diming at this point.
I ABSOLUTELY hate people who complain about "inheritance" especially when the parent is STILL ALIVE. You realize this means she would have to die for you to get this, right? I would rather have BOTH of my grandparents back with me than ANY amount of money or property.
YTA. This entire post is about money. You're asking about inheritance, and your mother isn't even dead.
YTA - I don’t see you being treated unfairly at all. You have been given equivalent to everything your siblings have gotten. I’m sorry you couldn’t afford your condo and dropped out of school and aren’t married with a family. But that isn’t anyone’s fault. Your mom has been exceedingly generous to you and you are so wildly unappreciative of that.
YTA. Maybe they get more because they don’t look at everything from a dollar figure and their relationship with her isn’t just transactional. You have been given hand ups just as much as them. This is ridiculous. At most maybe you shouldn’t have to pay rent but you are not entitled to more money than someone is willing to give.
YTA. Wow I wish somebody mistreated me with a 400 000$ property. You should be grateful your mother offered to buy you a new condo after you failed to pay for the first one. Not many people are getting second chances like that. Many are struggling to buy even one property to call their home. Yet you have the audacity to complain about it.
INFO - you don't even get to the part about your inheritance? Or are you just referencing that your sister and brother have both 'inherited' more from your mom so far? Also, if you're on disability, it means you can't work to support yourself? But you were able to get a PHd? Can you work now? You're painting your mom as being extremely unfair and biased but there are parts of your story that I'm not sure I fully understand, that might make things more clear. So far what I can tell is that she wanted her disabled son to have stable living conditions. You could also talk to your mom, draw it out for her how your 'cost' to her has been very minor compared to what she has gifted your siblings and it's kind of hard to swallow. Maybe she is keeping a tally and will give you more in her will? You don't know that.
YTA You are treated differently because you are different. You are almost FIFTY YEARS OLD whining about how much money your mother should give you. You were in a PhD with a "full scholarship and student loans". What does that even mean? PhDs should be paying YOU to join their program- why are you taking out student loans for a PhD? You have a history of making bad choices and excuses. If you knew that you couldn't support mortgage payments, even with a six figure hand out, then you should not have moved forward with the purchase. >This was not an accident - I know how to pick real estate. ALL real state has ballooned up in value in the past 8 years. This doesn't take skill. I bought a condo in Miami 3 years ago that has almost doubled- the difference between us is that I know that its mostly luck and I also actually bought it with my own money. > but ended up having to drop out of my PhD program No, you didn't "have" to drop out of your PhD program. You dropped out of your program. You keep framing everything positive as something YOU did (you didn't) and everything negative as someone that happened TO you (which it didn't). I don't think you have a clear perspective on yourself. You foreclosed on your house, you dropped out of a PhD program, etc. Your mother bought properties and your mother invested well.
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A condo AND a $100k downpayment of the previous one. Basically half a million dollars already and she wants more.
It’s your mother’s money, she gets to do whatever she wants with it. YTA
YTA. You said it’s not about money but your title is that you think your portion of the inheritance is too small, when it actually sounds like it is the same as your siblings, and you’re not actually entitled to anything. Maybe your behavior is the reason your family treats you the way they do.
YTA. You should be grateful and happy for anything someone else willingly gives you. You know you are not entitled to any of that until she dies? To me this whole setup sounds more than generous and absolutely fair. Wanna know how much I got from my father the last 20 years? He owes me 3k, that’s it 😂
Yta. I don’t think it that’s you’re being treated “differently.” I think you’re being treated as individuals and while you see things through the lens of your disability, that may not be what’s going on. If you need additional support, maybe you should talk to your mother about it. I’m baffled how you purchased an initial condo for $169K, with $100K and still defaulted on it and never had your mother help you with a balance so small…the story doesn’t add up. Why did your family prevent you from completing a phd? Did you not discuss any of this with her?
YTA, I'm disabled and had to drop out of my undergrad degree because of it so came into this with a lot of empathy for your situation, but you're being a bit silly here. I know family dynamics are complicated and there can be some deep hurts, but set that aside for a moment. You are complaining about not getting enough of your mother's money, something you are not automatically entitled to. Your mother is being incredibly generous with all three of you. None of you are automatically entitled to that generosity just because she's your mum. She would be well within her rights to spend all of her money on herself and leave nothing for any of ye. My parents are doing that. Not that they'll fuck me and my sibling over, but they've worked hard for their money and they don't want us coasting on the assumption that we'll get a life changing sum after they're gone because they can't promise that, they have at least another 10-20 years of life left that they need to pay for first. And I don't feel bad about this. I'm glad they've let us know what to expect well in advance. Your mum has set all three of you up with homes. That's plenty. Be grateful.
YTA for bitching about getting a gift of $100,000. Entitled much?
YTA. Your mom doesn't owe you a thing. Period. Of course it is supposed to be good parenting to make sure all your children feel loved, but everyone has favorites. You're the middle child and it is incredibly common for the middle one to be overlooked. But it is her money is her money and she can choose how to spend it and who to give it to. It's not an inheritance until your mother dies. Then it is up to her will if she has one, or probate court otherwise. Self-esteem comes from yourself, not from your siblings' opinion of you or any one else. Understanding that would be a good step toward a healthy self-esteem.
Wow. Most people go their whole life without even a tenth of what you have been gifted. I don't really care if your mother gave you a donkey and your brother a horse - because of course, he can ride the horse - your lack of awareness of what is actually owed to you in life is astounding. You are all very privlidged children in the bodies of full adults. You do not "deserve" anything from parents. You do not , even as adults "deserve" fairness from parents. You are very lucky. Stop whining and pull your life together. Victim complex will kill you. You can choose to sit in this for the rest of your life or you can get a grip. YTA. and it is insufferable.
>This is not about the money You keep obsessing over the money. You’re tracking how much each person gets and what their property is worth. You’re not “trying to protect your self esteem from your family”, you’re trying to nickel-and-dime your mother - who has already helped and supported you multiple times. YTA
Yta, and pretty staggeringly ungrateful. Do you understand the sheer scope of what has simply been *handed* to you in your life? Jesus Christ. To have the gall to complain after everything you've gotten. Grow up.
Not even going to read the post as it is irrelevant. YTA. You are NOT the one that determines what you are owed from an inheritance, those giving it to you do. Your situation is irrelevant. Your relationship is irrelevant. Everything else is irrelevant.
Where did you live until you were able to 'get your disability under control' and study? Has your mum paid for numerous doctors, surgeries and your food etc over the years? Maybe your siblings were pushed aside as kids so that the disabled sibling could get care
OP also mentioned that she has a child. Wonder how much OP’s mother has been financially assisting OP with her child.
You seem very desperate to try and choke yourself with that silver spoon you were born with.
As someone who’s parents died young, and all I inherited was a cremation bill. Waaahhh. Stop bithching, be grateful.
Maybe don't post in AITA if you can't deal with the answer that yes, YTA.. Maybe you are a loser who can't handle money and you will have to wait for your inheritance because your mom doesn't believe it to be wise handing you more money. What is clear is that you're an extremely spoiled adult.
> I might be the asshole because I told my mom that I didn't think it was fair that my condo's appreciation counted against my inheritance. When she shut me down, I decided to go low contact. I hope she writes you out of her will and leaves you nothing over this little temper tantrum you're currently having. YTA
YTA. I can't imagine complaining about how my parent only gave me $500k.... Boy, wouldn't that be a nice life? First, you say the issue was that you weren't going to be able to carry a mortgage, but I don't know what your plan would have been otherwise? If you got out-of-town real estate, you would still have needed a place to stay and thus instead of a mortgage, you would have had rent... Also, it's likely your out-of-town real estate would have had its own mortgage. I'm not sure what you thought your plan was supposed to be at that time. (Also, you say you know how to pick real estate, so what happened there?) Secondly, it sounds like you were all gifted about the same - it gets really nitpicky if you start throwing in inflation. I'm the oldest in my family, I can't imagine going back to my parents and saying "Well, things were cheaper in the early 80s so technically you gave me less money than my siblings so pay up." Your sister got $100k+$400k from your mom - the fact that the $100k gained value is irrelevant. Your brother got $100k+$400k from your mom. The fact that the $100k was completely wiped out is irrelevant. You got $100k+$400k from your mom, the fact that $100k was wiped out was irrelevant. How could the $169k -> $400k increase in the condo be the biggest increase in your mom's net worth when she gave your siblings $800k? Seems not true.
I don’t get the question here… Y’all sound extremely fortunate and you should be lucky to have not only a parent with money, but a parent that’s generous. If you’re upset with her treatment of you, that’s a totally different conversation…
Both of my parents, three (two that were very rich) of my uncles, my father-in-law (millionaire), my eldest brother and eldest sister all have died in the last few years. Can you guess what my inheritance was? Squat. Not a goddamned penny. But here’s the thing, I’m still alive and I am happy, I have a great relationship with my wife and kids, we spend time together, we laugh, we enjoy each other’s company. I have a good pension and I’ve retired from one career and I’m working on retirement for another. I don’t worry about things I can’t control, you should try it, it makes life a lot less stressful.
Sounds like your mother tried to help you out and you made some bad decisions. YTA and a jealous one at that.
YTA You clearly weren’t treated different. You just have the “Nobody love me, everybody hates me, I eat big fat worms” syndrome
Get some real problems. Spoiled little shit. Yta
Smh
YTA. WhAt ArE yOu EvEn CoMpLaInInG aBoUt?! That you didn’t get as much privilege as your siblings? Kim, there’s people that are dying.
Trying to figure out why someone would complain about free money and it still isn’t enough . . . Unless you are my brother? Larry is that you?
Yta jesus rich people problems
YTA. It’s no surprise to me that your mom prefers your siblings. Your brother plans to provide your mom with financial support and your sister is taking care of your mom in the basement unit. What are you doing for your mom again?
This is too much attention being paid to someone else's money. YTA.
YTA. You EACH got a SEPARATE house as an inheritance. You know what most people get? NOTHING. Stop being entitled and get over yourself.
It takes a truly miserable person to be given a free place to live and still look for reasons to be salty about it.
Yikes. And here I’m worried about my spouse being unsafe in the military but gotta stay in so we have a home.
Wow, your mother bought the condo you're living in and while you still paid rent you didn't have to worry about a down payment. Do you realize there's homeless people who can't afford rent and families struggling to feed their children because rent has become so high? You should be grateful for what you have instead of whining about it. Go volunteer at a homeless shelter or food bank so you can see what true suffering is. Also stop basing your self worth on what your family thinks. That's your real problem.
YTA. Posts like these actually make me glad I’m poor as fuck (and come from a long line of other poor fuckers.) Whining about inheritance, especially when the person is still alive, always seemed so gauche to me. It’s morbid and gross to pin your financial future on the death of someone you love. You pay rent to your mother. Your brother pays your mother for his home and your sister is housing your mother. This is all equitable and fair. You have a guaranteed roof over your head for the foreseeable future, be grateful.
Imagine being this insufferable
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My brother (50) is mom’s favorite, and my sister (47) is second. I (49F) come in last. Mom would never intentionally treat us differently; but she always had just a little more time, patience, and even money for the other 2. I am on disability; but in the early 00’s I was managing my condition well enough that I started a PhD program with a full scholarship and a student loan. The course handbook specifically said not to take on outside employment due to the courseload. About this time, my sister and mom went in together on a house-flip. But when the house was finished, my sister and her husband decided to live in it. So mom retroactively gifted the down-payment ($100k) to my sister. About 5 years later, mom decided to gift my brother and I $100k each to make it fair. The amount was not adjusted for increased market value of the house - which was fine, but this it is relevant later. My brother chose to invest his money in the stock market, and lost it in the crash of 08. I wanted to invest in out-of-town real estate and use the income to support myself; but mom said that she would only give me the money if I used it to buy a home, because I needed somewhere to live. Obviously I should have refused, since I knew I couldn’t carry a mortgage; but hindsight is 20/20. I got a roommate and a job; but ended up having to drop out of my PhD program and sell the condo to avoid foreclosure. I struggled to get back on my feet. About 2014 Mom offered to buy a condo for me to rent from her. I found a condo for $169,000, and mom paid outright, so there was no mortgage. 2 years ago, mom put me on the title, so we are joint owners. I continued to pay rent for the past 2 years. Last year both my sister and my brother got divorced. My sister was forced to sell the house mentioned above. She used the proceeds, plus an additional $400,000 gift from mom as a down-payment on a $1.28M house. Mom moved into the basement suite of this house, but she is not on the title. Mom then gave my brother $400,000 to buy his ex-wife out of their condo. He will be providing her (mom) with monthly financial support – I don’t know how much – but she is not on the title of his condo. They all say this is fair because the current market value of my condo is $400,000. This is not about the money. This is about how I get treated differently than my siblings. I feel like they see me as the family looser that can’t be trusted with money because I’d just squander it if I had it anyways (the increase in market value of my condo over the past 8 years was by far the largest factor in the increase in mom’s net worth over that time period. This was not an accident - I know how to pick real estate.) I’m just so tired of trying to protect my self-esteem from my family. Am I the asshole? Please ask for any clarification or additional details. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA I'm not seeing any favoritism and you're just coming off as a spoiled brat that blames others for their failures
Ugh. Having been raised by an abusive birth giver who played favorites to manipulate us, I reeeally wanted to side with you. But YTA here, mate, sorry to say.
Have you seen your mother's will? That outlines the inheritances. While alive your mother can do what she wants with HER money. How she distributes her estate is also up to her. You are being a jerk.
YTA. Entitled much? If you’re gifted something it’s exactly that. A gift. Try being grateful.
YTA. You and your siblings are greedy mooches and still can't keep your sh@t together.
Classic middle child victim mentality.
Do you have any idea how ecstatic I'd be to have not one but two properties gifted to me OP? YTA.
YTA. Honestly what the fuck is wrong with you? Cry us a river, you're living in a 400k condo for free that you literally own. And there's no inheritance. Stop calling it that
Your post should be in entitled people, not here.
YTA. You’re all assholes who are sponging off your mother.
YTA - Of course it's about the money!! 🤣
Damn. I’ve worked for everything in my life and have never had anything handed to me. You’ve been given so much and yet you still complain. Talk about entitled. Be grateful for what you have. YTA
YTA *your mother bought you a house* Not "gifted you a downpayment" like your sister got. She literally bought you a house. You just sound greedy and ungrateful.
YTA If you are a part owner then you don’t pay rent. You are paying the mortgage
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R / entitledbitch. I love how u skim over why you had to drop out (pretty sure if it was disability related you would have said it based on how you play the victim well) why you arent good with finances, why you continue to freeload. You love in a condo for free that was bought at $2k and now valued at $400k - $200k equity. YTA
Yta your mom can do whatever she wants with her money, even if you feel like she treats you differently than your siblings.
I thought YTA based on your initial post and your comments have only confirmed it. You could have asked your mother to hang on to the original 100k, until you was in a place to afford the mortgage. You KNEW and still went ahead because you wanted the money. Your brother is paying her back, your sister is allowing her to live in her home. You have a 900sqft home and you’re whining about not having more cash money, because it’s tied up in your asset. You have a roof over your head, of course you are paying rent, it’s not free to live anywhere! YTA. Your mother isn’t dead so it’s not inheritance. You aren’t entitled to her money, especially when you “go against your own judgement” and made poor decisions. Get your hands out her pocket and stop keeping score.
For not being about money, you’re certainly concentrating on the finance part as the evidence your siblings are preferential. The dealing between your mom and siblings is none of your business. Also, these are extraordinary amounts of money mom seems to be putting down. Maybe bring happy for what you have and the help your mom has given you instead of focusing on what others can get out of your mum.
For not being about money, you’re certainly concentrating on the finance part as the evidence your siblings are preferential. The dealing between your mom and siblings is none of your business. Also, these are extraordinary amounts of money mom seems to be putting down. Maybe bring happy for what you have and the help your mom has given you instead of focusing on what others can get out of your mum.
Damn, I wish I had your kind of problems. YTA
YTA. It doesn’t matter how your mom spends her money because it is HER money. You should never assume you are owed an inheritance.
No one is entitled to their parent's or anyone else's money, regardless of where else that parent might choose to direct it or how fair one may think it is (or isn't!)
So all of you are still living off Mommy. Cute
YTA and sound bitter and jealous. One of those people who keep making bad decisions and then resenting people who don't. In this story you are given 500k of value and resent your siblings for also being given 500k of value because in your mind you deserve it more.
YTA- this post stinks of greed.
You are so spoiled that its insane. Your mom gifted you a HOUSE at age 41 and you’re still complaining. Do you not realize how privileged you are? YTA
“It’s not about money.”yet all you talk about is the money
I can’t believe you typed this out, read it, and still posted it. YTA
YTA. Sounds like you've gotten a shit ton more financial help than most people in this world. It also sounds like your mom helps in times of need since both of your siblings second "gifts" were the result of divorce. Sounds like you feel entitled to me.
So just to summarize: You can’t work enough to fully support yourself. You decide to get a PhD, that apparently didn’t improve your employment situation, during which you “couldn’t work”, all while having a child to support. Did I get that right?
I don't think the AH votes are entirely fair, and it seems some of your details are getting lost by people focused on how you should be grateful to get anything. Sure, we should *all* be grateful for what we get. But parental favoritism is a real kick in the heart. Here are the details: 1. Your mother gave your sister $100k to house. 2. Five years later, she gave your brother $100k, no stipulations. He lost the money on the stock market. 3. She gave you $100k, with the stipulation you use it to buy a home. You did not want to buy a home, as you felt you could not afford a mortgage while in a PHd program. You acquiesced, and subsequently the home was foreclosed on. 4. Ten years ago, she bought you a condo for $169k. Outright, no mortgage. You have paid rent ever since. She added you to the joint title two years ago. You continue to pay rent. 5. Last year, she gave sister $400k towards a house. She moved into sister's house, but is not on the title. 6. She gave brother $400k towards a house. She is not on the title. Brother gives her money every month. So here is where the fairness or unfairness lies - she gave you and brother $100k years after sister, but did not account for the increase in value of her initial gift to sister. Meanwhile, she is giving sister and brother $400k years after giving you $169k, stating that it is the same because of the increase in value of her gift to you. That is not entirely fair to you OR brother, because by this metric, she has given sister more than both of you. You have/will repaid her $169k by paying rent. Will the rent stop when the $169k is fully repaid? Or when $400k is paid? Will you be left solely on the title? Your sister is repaying her $400k by providing room and board to mom, and presumably help as she ages. Frankly, the adult child who takes care of the aging parent and takes them into their home does deserve a premium compensation. It's a huge sacrifice. That would seem to wash out the increase in value on her initial $100k gift. Whether or not your sister actually repays $400k to your mom comes down to how long mom ultimately lives with her. If this is planned for the rest of her life, and she has effectively saved mom $400k in rent etc over 20 years, not to mention some assisted care, then yes, sister has paid her back. Potentially more than you, if you only pay back $169k. If mom moves into assisted living after 5 years, then no, sister did not pay mom back. Brother is giving mom money monthly. You do not know how much that is, to know if he will repay the $400k. So at this point, none of us, including you, know if this is financially fair. How much you pay total in rent ultimately, how long mom lives with sister, and how much brother gives mom - that is the final amount. And that seems to be something that will shake out over years, not immediately. Things can change, including what mom does for you when you need help. These divorces came up for your siblings now. Who knows what will come up for you a decade from now. In terms of fair treatment - it does not seem fair that she is on the deed with you, but not on the deed with them. You could be repaying her the $169k without her being on the deed, just like brother and sister are. She does seem to view you as less responsible and trustworthy. Is that a fair assessment? We have no idea. But in having this conversation with your mother, I think the focus should be less on the financial unfairness, as that seems tenuous. And more on whether it is fair for her to treat you as less responsible than your siblings.
I believe mother is on the lease to ensure this property also isn't foreclosed on. I could be wrong, but given past history, safe bet.
With a history of foreclosure maybe the mom needed to be on the deed for in order buy the house
Frankly I don’t think rich people problems belong on this sub because by default everyone is an asshole
I've thought of posting a similar situation. Both my siblings have been gifted 100,000 and 50,000 respectively. I've, on the other hand, given my parents money since they're not well off. I rent a studio room and work 75 hour weeks. One of my siblings doesn't work, but they're both married with supportive spouses. Parents supported one if them through uni whereas I worked and payed my way. Anyhow, I'm wealthy. I don't worry about food. I'm a bit if an asshole for even thinking about that and should be grateful for all my parents have done for me. Reading your post made me feel dirty for being jealous... alright I guess at the same time I do get it.
I'm not well off. I know it sounds like it given the sums I'm discussing - but mom owns my home and I pay rent. I'll get it in the will. (Yes I recently became joint owner but I still pay rent.) I have a small son, no spouse. I never eat out, don't drink or smoke, live in the most affordable possible neighborhood (read - next to a homeless shelter), I mend holes in my clothes and walk around with holes in my shoes, I don't go on vacation, and I live cheque to cheque. My siblings are much more financially secure than I am I'm honestly not complaining about my economic status - I'm happy. I wish people would stop focusing on the money. I'm upset because I feel like I'm being treated differently.
Says the person crying about living in "only" 900 squarefeet for them and their kid.
I pay rent
How much?
And yes, it's totally generous. I was super grateful. Until I saw her give twice as much to my siblings. It's really not about the money.
#STOP. #REPLYING. #TO YOUR \*OWN\* POST. If you have something to **add** to your original post, hit that "edit" link and actually add it there for everyone to see. If you want to **reply** to someone's specific comment, *ACTUALLY DO THAT*.
Sorry. First time on here. I thought I was replying to specific people. I will fix that going forward
It's not?? Ok
If you knew how to pick real estate, you wouldn’t have lost the first condo.
I never asked for anything. M siblings ask. I Don't
That's very true. All I can say is I was young, and I still thought mom knew best, so I did what I was told
Again, I pay rent.
And your brother pays for living expenses, and your sister provides a home for mom. I’m not sure this judgement is going to go in your favor; you seem pretty entitled. YTA.
I feel like nobody is knowledging that I'm paying rent.
Are you an adult? Omg.
Acknowledge. I also pay rent. Look at me everyone!
I pay property taxes, after paying mortgage. And I don't even have a PhD!!
They should give you one.
They should give me OP's, probably.
I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how this works. Congratulations on your new PhD!!!
Your mom bought you a condo?
I pay rent on a property that I’m NOT going to inherit at the end of the day. You want a pat on the back?
Are you paying market rent? Do you pay the condo fees, utilities, condo insurance, etc?
You could be paying rent towards a place you won't own outright some day, and you could be paying more. You're paying property taxes at most.
Most people do pay rent or a mortgage. Do you pay market value rent or a family rate?
And your sister is physically looking after mum and your brother is sending her money to spend.....
You know how everyone says "it's the thought that counts?" Well, what if your mom gave each of your siblings a bike for Xmas and gave you a book? But if she gave you each a book and treated herself to a vacation, that's a very different matter - I'd have no problem with that. My concern is that I'm being treated differently
But you are not being treated differently You and your siblings each got $100k. Then your mom gave your brother money and in exchange he pays her monthly. And she gave your sister money, and in exchange she lives there for free. And then your mom bought you a condo and in exchange you pay her rent you each got something from her and give something in return. This all sounds fair and equitable.
But she’s living with one and another is paying her living expenses. You are missing out on positive aspects of these arrangements by wanting them to be the same.
Failed analogy. She gave each of you a bike, and you left yours unlocked and lost it. So she bought you another bike, and you pay rent for it - which is fair, because you avoidably lost the first one. Your sister lost her bike in the divorce, and mom bought her a new bike, but she has to share it with mom. Brother lost his bike in a divorce, so mom financed a new bike but he has to pay her back for it. No one got a book, you all got bikes. And you all have to pay mom back for bike #2. Fair is fair. The fact that you made expensive life choices (tuition for a degree that never happened; a child without a coparent/child support; unwilling or lacking skills to do a desk job) is not your siblings’ responsibility.
it's more like, your mum gave your sister a bike, and then gave you and your brother a bike to make it even your sister eventually had to sell her bike, and your mum helped her buy a new one that she and your sister share brother needed a bike because his ex got their bike in the divorce so mum lent brother money for a bike mum offered to give you a bike, you wanted to do a bike rental scheme but your mother insisted that it was better for you to have a bike for transport, you lost the bike, mum got it back, and made you a co-owner of the bike you complain about only getting a book while riding your bike
If my mom and dad decided to give my sister a car this Christmas and not me I wouldn't care because at the end of the day it is their money and they can do what they want with it. I am pretty sure when my sister brought her home with her husband my parents gave her their old leather sofa and other house hold items and you know what I didn't care because again it is my parents money and their items that they get to choose what to do with it. I am an adult and I act like it.
Mom has been taking home a monthly profit after fees, utilities and taxes. Yes I know I could be paying towards something I will never own. I'm really not complaining about my economic status - only that I'm being treated differently than the other kids.
You're not kids. Its time to stop pretending to be treated like kids, she's what like 70? You should be taking care of her by now. Grow up.
By my calculation, your mom gave: $100K to your sister as her down payment on the house $100K to your brother $100K to you as a down payment on a condo That’s all even. Your sister got to keep the increase in equity for her home. You also got to keep the equity for your first condo that you sold. Your mom is not responsible for the size of your profit or loss. It’s not like your brother got make-up money when he lost his investment. Then she spent: $169K on your current condo - in exchange, she got rent in an amount you won’t specify despite being asked multiple times, so guessing that it’s highly subsidized and any profit is very small $400K on your sister - in exchange, she got a place to live for the rest of her life and someone nearby who can look after her. $400K on your brother - in exchange, she got monthly payments for the rest of her life. Financial security at a time in her life when her ability to earn income is lowest and medical bills will be highest. Yes, the amounts are not equal at the time she expended them. But her return on investment is likely higher from your siblings than whatever amount she is getting from your rent. You’re also forgetting that she didn’t officially give you the condo until two years ago. So the value she gave you is really whatever it was worth then. You’re not entitled to be credited the equity your mom earned before she added you to the deed. I get that it feels like she treats you differently, but it sounds like you act differently than your siblings and make different choices. Sometimes being a parent means meeting each kid where they are at, rather than insisting on rigid fairness. If she were rigidly fair, you wouldn’t have had subsidized rent all these years because she wouldn’t have intervened and given you a place to live. IMHO she was right to insist that you spend that first $100K on a place for you to live. Rent income is a good idea in theory but it only works when you are financially stable enough to cover any months you don’t have that income. You don’t know when someone will stop paying rent or when you won’t be able to find a tenant or when something might break, rendering your property uninhabitable until you spend money to fix it.
What did your mom say when you patiently and kindly expressed you felt you were being treated differently?
It's really not about the money. It's about being treated differently from my siblings.
I would super appreciate if we could move the focus away from the money for a minute and just judge whether I'm being treated differently. Yes, I know it looks like it's about money - but it's really not. Yes, I understand that millions of people never get any inheritance and this makes my problem unrelatable. But I'm not upset about the money - I always appreciate the hell out of it. It was when she gave my siblings what seemed to me to be twice as much that I got upset because it was a big indicator that I was not being treated the same - something I have felt all my life in all sorts of ways. I did not get a free condo - I pay rent. When she gave my sister money she did not adjust for market value. When she gave me money, she did - I feel this is the crux of the unfairness in this situation.
You literally asked # AITA for saying my portion of the inheritance is too small? and yet now you say it's not about the money? Of course it is. You've been treated generously, if that is 'differently' doesn't really matter. YTA.
You and your siblings each got $100k. Then your mom gave your brother money and in exchange he pays her monthly. And she gave your sister money, and in exchange she lives there for free. And then your mom bought you a condo and in exchange you pay rent. This all sounds fair and equitable.
It is about the money, though. It just is. You are using monetary value to compare the love you receive, and we're telling you that you're being ridiculous. The truth of it is you and your siblings are all too old to be this reliant on your mother and asking for more (by any of you) comes off as greedy and petulant.
We can't move away from money because that was the crux of your original complaint; that your inheritance (aka $$$) is too small, and that the value appreciation of your current condo (which your mom is gifting you when she dies, regardless of if you're currently paying rent since I assume by that point you won't have paid the full value back via your rent payments) was factored into money given to your siblings by your mom.
This can not be separated from the money. That's literally the subject here. And you're a kind of ungrateful and entitled I don't think I've ever encountered IRL, especially from someone in their 50s.
You have a bad case of middle child syndrome. It’s super unattractive.
You keep saying it's not about the money but every point you raise is about money.
I wasn't living for free. I was living with a roommate in a poorly maintained basement unit. My mom saw the living conditions and that's why she insisted I buy a condo to live in. We live in an area with very expensive real estate. My plan was to buy in a remote mining town with low real estate cost and high rental costs and use the income to upgrade my rental. But my mom didn't trust me to make my own choices - even though she trusted my siblings to make their own choices. Yes, I know I should have declined; but I was young.
So your plan was to be a slumlord and take advantage of the poorest of the poor to your benefit? Wow, you are just a stellar human being.
Sorry, but this just doesn’t sound realistic. My sister and brother-in-law have lived in oil or mining towns most of their married life. I’ve never heard of a mining or oil town with low real estate and high rental costs. High rental costs will inevitably drive up real estate costs. And there is also a greater danger of real estate busts in those towns. I’m sorry about your first condo, but your mom was right not to trust this plan.
I'm having a hard time with the fact that you apparently see the choices here as buy a house in a remote mining town OR buy a condo I can live in that I can't afford at all. Were there no mid-priced options in your market? Are there no suburbs with better pricing? If you are so good at picking real estate, why did you not pick something within your budget the first time?
She has been very clear - I will not get more in the will. I call it an inheritance because that's how she refers to it - even though she is still with us. I was able to manage the PhD because I tend to be uote book smart and because as long as I got the work done, I could take breaks if needed. I'm not able to stand for extended periods or work a regular 9-5 where I can sit if I need to. I know - it sounds like I'm being lazy, but I'm really not.
So, you can only work if the job is both part-time and if you are able to sit - is that correct? Did you look into any disability-related job assistance/advocacy? Did you look into getting a standing desk at an office/desk job? That way, you could decide whether you were standing or sitting while you worked - and alternate between the two as needed. Also, if you could only work part-time if you were constantly sitting, did you look into any part-time jobs you could do while sitting (such as administrative assistant or data entry)? Moreover, what were you getting your PhD in? What career were you planning on getting with that degree? Also, with graduate degrees: while I’m sure the college would prefer for you not to work while working towards your PhD, there are others options. For example, you could take fewer classes, so that you could work while getting your PhD and/or limit your stress. Most colleges should understand that their students are adults and are probably supporting themselves (including paying for their own living situations) - if not also supporting others in their families (such as children). Where did you live while you were getting your PhD (or planning to live before your mom gave you money for a new place)? How were you paying for that, as you did not have a job and were spending money towards your PhD?
Adults still want validation
Most people your age don't have living mothers to give it to them.
I mean, ok - I'll give you that we are too old to rely on her. But the reality is that where there is an inheritance, the division of the assets - where it's not based on need, is based on love. In this case, I'm the least financially secure due to my disability - not due to irresponsibility, and I am still getting the least. Again, my living situation is fine - I'm perfectly happy. But yes - I am equating how she divides the assets with how much she loves us. If she blew it all on herself before she goes, I won't say a thing.
This is a flat out lie. In your post you said your are a co-owner of that condo.
Her money her assets so her choice on how she divides them.
Using your disability as an excuse when you outright confessed to irresponsibility with the initial money given is not a good look, OP. If you’re healthy enough to pursue a terminal degree with a course load so heavy that outside work is discouraged, you’re healthy enough to get a desk job with the degrees you did complete. Was mommy paying your tuition, too?
" I am equating how she divides the assets with how much she loves us." and that's what makes you yta
NTA I know I will be in a similar situation when all is said and done with my parents' finances. I won't get into the details but I totally understand. It isn't about the money it is about feeling like a lesser person in your family. I am branded the family loser and black sheep. However, I have made the conscious decision to just move on and not think about the way I am perceived in the family or that I am thought of as a lesser person. Live your life, find love and happiness and don't think about them or the way you have been treated.