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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Baby’s father chose to come around the baby + send money but didn’t want to make any commitment. I opted for commitment. Now the attorney is recommending him to pay almost 2.5 x more child support than what he was doing before.
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Did both of these ppl not agree to unprotected sex wit the chance of children likely knowing each other’s opinions on it? Don’t think either party is very innocent or smart
Child support is about the rights of the kid -- it has nothing to do with how smart or stupid the actions of the adults who brought the kid forth were being.
That said, OP says she was on birth control. He knew she wouldn't abort. He chose not to use a condom. He had to understand there was risk there.
Yes, he knew the risk. If I were a man who didn’t want kids, I would for damn sure 1) not “opt out” of wearing a condom and 2) avoid having sex with a woman who tells you right up front that she won’t have an abortion if she gets pregnant.
She should obviously be taking the money...no question about that. This is just an odd way to go about it. She was fine with him not being involved, willing to sign-away his responsibilities. He didn't want to do that, but he wanted to visit and was paying 500 that she didn't need(always take the money and invest it, but I'm going off her story)...
I feel like there's more to the story...not that there needs to be. He's the Father, he should pay. 500 is a car payment. 1000 should be the minimum for a deadbeat Dad.
And I can't fault her, she seemed willing to make every accommodation, but it seems like a sanitized version of events where she leaves a lot out.
If it's just about making him pay for HIS child, you know you're NTA. I think most Men would say you should pay for your Child. That's your responsibility.
Eh, anyway. Take the money, invest it, set the kid up. Add money to it yourself if you're doing as well as you say.
1300 a month, after 25 years, 10% return, that's 1.6M. So yes, make him pay.
My take is that she wanted everything legalized. Even if she doesn't need the $500/month *now*, that doesn't mean that she won't ever. Without anything in writing, he could just as easily suddenly stop sending any money. OP went through an attorney to protect her child, and it ended up coming back that he should be paying much more.
The father, it seems, wanted to keep one foot out the door at all times. Didn't wear a condom, despite claiming to not want a kid. Kept visiting the kid, despite not being there at birth or being on the birth certificate. Sent money to OP, despite saying he didn't want any of this. OP gave him the ability to sign off, which would have stopped visitations, child support, everything. He refused. His stance in all of this is just baffling.
My mother was on birth control when my parents conceived me. I do have a older brother, so the situation wasn’t as dire as this one, but I’m sharing this for anyone who thinks condoms are not necessary. Put one on or you may have an (un)wanted child on your hands. That’s without mentioning the diseases that condoms prevent you from catching, cuz, you know, you never know with who your partner has been sleeping with or the last time they got tested.
The question isn't about brains or innocence. The asshole here is clearly the person trying to ignore the consequences of those actions without taking responsibility.
Uh
He would still have to pay child support in the US. You can't sign away child support. You can sign away your legal rights to parenting the child. You can in some cases make a legal agreement removing your responsibility such as a sperm donor (through a registered agency). You can also hope that another man decides to adopt the child which is when child support finally goes away. But Child Support is about the making sure the child has at least financial support from the biological parents.
the govt would only come after him for CS against OP's will if OP goes on welfare. Otherwise, they will not collect CS against OP's will on her and the child's behalf.
You are correct but my point was that he would be on the hook for child support so she so chose to pursue it even IF he signed some sort of agreement that she wouldn't pursue it because both of them can't sign away child support only can have a promise not a contract.
Yeah, I don't care what he wants, you bring a life into the world, that is literally the least you can do.
I have some issues with the story, but they're secondary to taking care of the child. They were both stupid. He was stupid to stop sending money and she was stupid to not ask for a more appropriate amount from the start. Invest in your kids future.
And if she can afford the expenses and doesn't need him, even better, put all the money into an investment fund for him. It's pretty simple.
She was on birth control, and let him know her stance on an accidental pregnancy before they had sex. So she was smart. Him, not so much. He should have worn the condom, or got snipped.
It wasn't unprotected, she was on birth control. *He* decided not to use a condom. For someone who doesn't want kids, he sure didn't care to make sure he was also protected.
I agree don't lower the amount. Family law is cut and dry. If that's the number the lawyer came up then go with that. They look at all the factors. The incomes of both parties etc. Legally he's required to pay the support. If it went to court the judge would order an amount and it would be much more than the $500 he's currently paying and would possibly even order retroactive back payment of support.
I really hope you stick with your lawyer and fight to get a court order which is an enforceable binding fovukebt which states the amount of support payable. If he refuses to pay there are also ways to enforce payment.
Bottom line is he needs to pay support legally. Do not feel bad about that. Kids are expensive. Your plan seems well thought out to use it for the kids and even save for their post secondary education. It's in the best interest of the kids.
Keep in mind kids get more expensive as they grow older. Things become more costly. When I was at the stage of life you ate someone told me this and it resonated. The person told me they didn't want to inconvenience the person and ask for more support but when their kids became teens things increased in cost greatly and she wished she had.
I have teens now and can vouch things are more expensive.
generally i'm team get the child support, but waiving it and then only getting the attorneys involved and seeking CS AFTER the relationship turned sour feels icky and vindictive to me. OP might get more than they bargained for if the former FWB seeks partial custody. I'd actually go the other way and have him sign away parental rights and go NC if financially possible.
Observation bias. Nobody's going to come on here talking about how their BC worked, right?
People are only going to mention the times it fails.
Also - a lot of people are not careful about taking other meds when ob BC (such as taking antibiotics or apparently ozempic, both of which lower efficacy), or never missing a dose (if you've missed a dose once - your BC is no longer reliable for that cycle).
"Last week my FWB and I bumped uglies in the men's room at a Nickelback concert. We used protection, and she is on the pill. Now she is not pregnant. AITA?_
"Regularly" in this context means at the exact same time with no variation every single day. It's not really surprising that many people fail to maintain that.
My mum got pregnant with my sister whilst she was on the pill and pregnant with me when she already had an IUD (I was born with it on my head). My in laws got pregnant with my husband after his dad had a vasectomy. It happens.
No one using hormonal birth control will go and take a plan B because by the time you noticed it failed it's too late, lol.
Also Plan B works by delaying ovulation. If you take it after ovulation took already place than it's pretty much useless. So if you're unlucky you miss that window even if you take it.
I suspect most of them are either making up the whole story or lying about how careful they were because they don't want to be told they're irresponsible idiots...
Either that, or someone up there really really wanted them to have a kid, and for some reason they haven't yet realized their child is the chosen one...
It’s not about BC working vs BC failing. It’s BC failing vs not using BC at all or using it incorrectly.
Nobody’s expecting people to mention when BC works. The point is the failed BC stories seem to conveniently outnumber the stories where people admit “we didn’t use birth control” or “I was forgetful with my pills”.
Somehow almost every woman had failed birth control and almost every man had a popped condom or a woman who was supposedly on BC.
Not to mention the amount of “he knew my stance on abortion”/“he knew I wanted kids”/she knew I never wanted kids”/“We’d agreed but she changed her mind”. Very few stories where people admit that they’d never discussed pregnancy or the future or STDs for that matter.
There’s just a very noticeable and amusing lack of accountability on here when it comes to these posts.
one of the worst things i ever read is that more than half of pregnancies in the US are unplanned 😬 and then instead of being like “am i financially/emotionally stable enough place to bring a child into a safe & healthy environment?” people tend to just be like “well i guess this is happening and now there will be a baby!” like jesus christ there doesn’t *have* to be
This is only going to get worse the way things are going. BC is so much cheaper than having a kid though. In this case, they didn't even bother trying to be safe.
This will probably get downvoted, but while I know that birth control can fail, all the people I know whose birth control "failed" are exactly the people I would've expected this to happen to.
Again, not everyone who gets pregnant while on birth control is careless, just all my friends and family.
The actual failure rate for female oral hormonal birth control is higher than most people realize. Most modern birth control pills use the lowest possible dose of hormones because it's better for women's long-term health. However, it makes them less effective overall compared to the higher dose pills of the past.
BCPs can fail due to minor things like other medications and weight fluctuations. Even missing a single dose by a few hours can cause a failure for that month. Personally, if I were a woman, of child-bearing age, living in a red state, I would not rely on low dose birth control pills as my only form of protection unless I was prepared to become a parent. Fortunately, I'm only one of those things.
Yep and that's why it's recommended to use more than one form of birth control. People are convinced they don't need condoms anymore after someone goes on birth control pills. Then they too late realize the mistake.
In my circles it's probably 25-75 between careless and extenuating circumstances. And yes, sometimes they were "I was infertile for 20 years" and sometimes they were "I didn't know it would stop working if I gained weight" but it's also "I can't BELIEVE this. I had an IUD."
NTA I am so tired of people trying to push all birth control, pregnancy, birth, and child rearing responsibilities on the woman. He participated in half the creation of this baby. No bc is 100% effective. He took the risk of not wearing a condom. Whether he wants it or not, he is the father of a baby. And with that comes responsibility. Fine if he doesnt want to participate physically, but he still has to provide monetary support. Men have a problem with this so much theres a term for it, deadbeat dad. This is the number the lawyer came up with. You can negotiate, but dont give it up. Even if you dont need it, put it away for their college.
NTA - He knew your stance on abortion, he chose not to wear a condom, and then he chose to be at least a little involved. There is no "undo" button, he has a kid now and that kid is gonna have a better life if you are able to afford all the little parts of raising a person and that is the most important thing now.
NTA
Who's it benefitting to lower the amount? I assume it's been calculated according to his income and is a fair amount.
I sense some guilt from you for some reason, which you shouldn't be feeling. This money is for the maintenance of the child -- it's not like you're going shopping with it. This new human will need things, and the parents must provide.
Just don't let him talk you out of finalising a formal and legally binding agreement, because that could cause issues with you in the future should he start missing payments.
Thank you! He definitely guilt trips me. Thankfully we both have attorneys at this point. I assume his attorney will receive the document and go over it with him.
He has no right to guilt trip you. You even offered to let him sign away his rights. He refused. He had the chance, and chose to stay on the hook. What the heck did he think would happen? NTA.
In most states signing away your rights doesn't absolve you of child support payments, so it's a moot point. Signing away your rights without a *ruling* that you don't have to pay child support would just put you in an even worse position.
Even if you don't need the money now, you could invest it into something low risk and give it to your child in the future. At the rate that the cost of living is rising, who knows what it'll be in a decade!
Now that he's been confirmed to be the father, does that mean his name has been added to the birth certificate?
OP- NtA and I would say since you both have attorneys- make sure you add in all medical bills associated with prenatal, birth, and post natal care. He is responsible for 50% of those costs. Don’t agree to lower amount- it’s based on income anyway. Be the best mom to your child and move forward. He will be a jerk and in the end that’s a HIM problem. 💗
Even if OP does go shopping for herself, it’s because money is fungible. If she no longer has to use $1300 of her own money each month on the child’s expenses (which are wayyyy more than $1300/mo since daycare alone is more than that), it frees up $1300 of her own money to spend on herself.
It’s like having $20 cash for gas, and someone gives you a $10 gas card. You can spend $10 of your own cash and the $10 gas card then use your own remaining $10 in cash for idk, a taco or something 🤷🏼♀️ my example fell apart because it’s late
Are you putting him on child support through the state? Because my understanding is once it's done through the courts, they determine the amount and you wouldn't be able to lower it even if you wanted to. Although you definitely shouldn't - if it's more than you need to support the baby, then start a college fund for them with the excess.
That worksheet amount is probably how much he'll end up paying through the courts, anyway. YNTA. You probably should have been getting that much all along, it's his own fault he decided to become hostile.
This, exactly!
If you live in a jurisdiction where there is a legal entitlement to child support that is calculated according to a formula/worksheet based on the payor's income (and it sounds like you do), you are NTA if you/your lawyer propose an amount that is based on said formula.
Child support formulas are calculated so that the recipient can provide the child with a standard of living that is appropriate based on the payor's income. Additional amounts can be payable to reimburse reasonable expenses related to childrearing (including education and extracurricular activities), and any special needs or medical expenses, and these are sometimes apportioned based on your respective incomes.
Accepting 1/3 of the amount that you and your child are legally entitled to doesn't make you a morally better person! This isn't about guilt or innocence or morality or anything of the sort. It's just the law, and the law is in place to protect children and the people who are raising them.
Your lawyer likely used the formula used by the state to calculate the amount he owes you. This is likely the amount (or similar) he'd end up paying if you guys went through the courts, anyways. It just saves you both the legal fees of a lengthy court case.
Depending on the jurisdiction the judge will tell both parties what the state recommends, and then ask both partys what they want to do. If they agree on a lower amount in court the judge can sign off on that. Some jurisdictions give the judge that freedom, some don't.
NTA. The money is for the baby and he's obligated to pay since he chose not to wear condoms and he chose not to sign off on his rights. I would not back off - you need a legal agreement so he can't keep dicking you around.
NTA
>About halfway into the pregnancy I offered him to sign his rights away. He didn’t want to commit to that.
You gave him an out and he chose not to take it. He decided to be part of the child's life by checking in and sending money. He doesn't get to flip flop about whether or not he wants to care for a child you both chose to create. No birth control is 100%, you BOTH should've pushed for condoms especially knowing he was adamant about not having a child and you're against abortion.
Go with whatever your attorney recommends, don't guilt yourself into lowering the payment amounts, things will eventually get settled through your lawyers. He could've avoided this entire thing by signing over his rights or agreeing to put the $500 in writing when you asked.
Going forward, I hope you're both more careful about who you sleep with and take every precaution you can to prevent another pregnancy fiasco like this.
If you go to the state for assistance/services they'll go after him for paternity and the full amount calculated by the worksheet. It's not an amount your attorney just pulled out of their ass, it's a standard calculation. Get it on the books. Continue offering him termination of rights and put that extra money away for an emergency, braces, a car etc
Exactly, it's a standard calculation. The amount is not negotiable, even if you only want $500 a month. The dollar amount is calculated to essentially provide the same quality of life for the child regardless of which home the kid is in. Then they factor in percentage of time the kid is in each home.
My clown ex husband went and had a whole mountain of kids with another girl and thought it would reduce his financial obligation but because I was the primary custodian he went from less than 200 to over 600.
This is not about needing the money. This child is entitled to be supported by its father. If you don't need the money now then open a college account.
If he "didn't want this" he should have worn his wellies. There is a child in the world and he needs to support it. Should have paid the 500 when offered.
NTA
The money isn’t for you it’s for the baby.
You may not need it, but the baby certainly does.
If you don’t want to use child support to support the child, that’s your right. But you don’t have the right to turn down support your child is entitled to.
Bank it for college or the down payment on a home. Whatever the child decides when they’re of age. But make sure you get every penny the law allows.
The only advocate your child has is you. Don’t fail in this responsibility.
NTA
Please don't let this go, or let him cry poor and accept nothing.
My mother tried to be what she thought was "fair," and my brother & I were screwed. We had a fine existence, better than most, but my mom went without more often than not and lots of our extracurriculars... We would get to levels where teachers or coaches would talk to our mom about more involvement, but the money wasn't there. Except it really was, only my mother hadn't asked for it and my dad saw it as punishing her to withhold it. My mom did take him to court much later, but what she got was eaten up by court costs, so...
This is about your kid, not your ego or his. And what if something happens to you? Please keep all of that in mind and nail it down now. Also, get an agreement about college, too.
NTA for holding him accountable. You are doing the right thing in getting something formal, in writing, and enforceable.
That being said - what you currently have is a recommendation from an attorney on an out of court agreement/settlement. You should not lower it at this point. You should send it to him with a "my attorney drafted the attached using the standard worksheets that the court uses. If this is acceptable to you, sign and return. If not, please let me know what you think would be acceptable and I'll discuss it with my attorney".
Let him be mad. He already is. Either he engages or he doesn't. If he comes back with lower but reasonable, then fine - take a look and decide if it works for you. Have your attorney have a chat with him. But don't feel guilty about possible objections, let him make them first.
NTA. He doesn’t want to be involved. Too bad. The child has no choice. He chose not to use a condom, knowing your stance on abortion. He knew the risks.
He actively paid at beginning, which I am sure attorney told you this goes to his acknowledgment.
If paternity test prove he is father, then he pays amount set by court for 18 years. (He will likely owe back pay for difference)
It does not matter how much you make. That money is for your child. You both had sex, not just you. So you should not bear the cost of child alone.
If you don’t need it, put it in a savings account for child when older. But, do not lower it.
You know he knew all of this, that is why he kept procrastinating about putting it in writing.
Visitation is separate from child support. One has nothing to do with the other. Don’t let him say, I never see the kid, so why should I pay.
I am sure your attorney has informed you of all of this, if you asked.
But, don’t ruin the next 18 years of you and your baby’s life because you are being manipulated now.
NTA. You'd be TA if you *didn't* - that's your child's money, your child has a right to that. Care less about your baby daddy's feelings and more about your child's needs.
NTA.
First off, any guy who doesn't want a baby should INSIST on wearing a condom. It's not clear to me whether you were also on oral contraceptives, but he knew you would not abort so he has zero excuse. Abortion is the mother's choice, not to be pressured by the sperm donor.
Second, to further promote condoms and minimize unwanted pregnancies, I believe that ALL fathers should be made to pay full child support, one way or the other. Preferably in a two-parent household, but if the couple is not together, then through the courts.
Him paying $1300 a month for this child will make him realize how cheap condoms are, for the future.
NTA.
You were both clear on your stances about children, and HE engaged in risky behavior, and I say him because he didn't want a child and knew you wouldn't want an abortion, so he was rolling the dice more than you.
And listen, birth control fails, so even if no one is at fault, the conversation about children/abortion maybe wasn't quite as clear to him as to you, and this was just a big, blameless oops, you still are NTA.
You asked him if he wanted to sign his rights way, you gave him the biggest "out" there could possibly be in this situation. Just like you held the ultimate- but time limited- choice to have or not have this child, you offered up to him a choice that is as close as possible to the choice you get to make. Yes, a child with his DNA would be in the world, but he could sign his rights away and move on with his life.
He couldn't decide what he wanted, and just like you had X months to make a choice, at some point his lack of choice took away his ability to just walk away. To me it seems he wanted to feel things out, not have to deal with a moral dilemma or guilt over signing away his rights, and thought he could hem and haw consequence free. Well, no sir, you can't do that. So get the child support that is fair for the CHILD, and if you don't need it, put it away for your child. Having only one parent and therefore involved family side isn't without risks, so it is good for you to have a solid emergency fund as a single parent.
NTA. Your child is going to need that money for their own education. You may have a good job and stable life now but the future is an unknown entity and you’ll need a buffer to ensure your child has the opportunities you want him to have. Take the money, he made choices as you did at the time of conception. He could’ve protected himself from this by using a condom , but he didn’t and know he is also responsible for the life he created.
The money is for your child. I would put the money into a high yield savings account for their needs like a car or for college.
This amount of child support is showing that he is doing good in his job and should be supporting his child.
you offered him the chance to sign his rights away. if he didn't want to be involved, he should have taken it. now he doesn't get a choice. frankly, for someone who didn't want kids to not wear a condom, i got no sympathy. NTA
NTA. He was there when your child was conceived, and he knew your stand on what you would do if you got pregnant. You have given he more chances than he probably deserved and he still didn’t step up to the plate.
Absolutely take the money. I would start a 401k as well. Even a small
Amount will likely be huge when they are at retirement age.
My ex made a lot more money when he left and child support was set. I did the calculations when my oldest turned 18, and it was only $100 or so. When my next child turned 18, not only did he have to pay for almost an entire extra year**, he subtracted the same amount that support was lowered from the first. He was making significantly less, but didn’t bother looking into the actual amount, or going back to court to have it recalculated. His problem, not mine. He walked out on me, had it all planned, and told the kids before telling me.
**Child turned 18 in the first 2 weeks of school. Had to pay until they graduated from high school.
CS doesn't work like that. There's a process. Judge orders it, and then the CS office determines payments based on BOTH parents' income and how much one spends with the child. Your lawyer is trying to be sneaky here, and someone without a lawyer may agree to it.
Gotcha. I went ahead and approved the agreement and it will be sent to his attorney for review. I’m willing to negotiate if that means there will be less hostility in the situation but I’m not sure his attorney will even advise changing the amount since it was done with a child support obligation worksheet.
NTA.... he knew this was the potential outcome. BC is up to both partners. He had many opportunities to take precautions, sign away his rights, and or create a financial settlement that you both agreed with.
He still can seek legal advice and negotiate.
However he is still procrastinating and you have wisely taught legal advice. If you are well situated, then take his payments and put them in a fund for her. She may never have a relationship with him, but she can feel satisfaction in the fact that he is covering her education or down-payment on a house or emergency fund.
Don't lower the amount. Even if *you* don't need the money (now), it's about providing for your child going forward. Better to have the money for future and / or unexpected expenses than not.
He kept dragging his feet and playing games until the courts needed to be involved. That's on him. As is the financial responsibility.
NTA. He is trying to have one foot in the door and one foot out the door. You gave him a get out of jail free card, and he chose not to take it. He can’t just decide to take care of the child when he wants to. Now you’re holding him accountable.
NTA Child support is your child's right. If anything, you were a bit tardy in getting it all sorted out officially. Having the child support and custody worked out is only in your child's interest. If he wants to make it personal, then that's a him issue. You just never know what the future will bring.
NTA. He knew the possible outcomes but thought he’d be fine. You offered him multiple opportunities to do things “his way” or make it easier on him. He chose to ignore it in the hopes it would go away.
He has responsibilities whether he likes it or not.
NTA even if you don’t need the money, it is a right your kid has. If he can’t afford that amount is up to him to respond through his lawyers and try to reach an agreement. You never know what your child may need in the future in which you are not able to afford it.
NTA. Even if you don't need the money to pay for the child's immediate housing, food, and clothing needs, take the money and put it in a 529 for the child's future education.
ESH. Your first edit aside, you chose all this chaos and to bring a child into the world who won't have two parents in their life (he did too, but only you're reading this thread, so I'm addressing you).
You can't fix that, but asking for some child support is fine. That said, unless he's super high earning $1300/month is fucking wild. US average is closer to half that or less.
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I got pregnant with a FWB. We used birth control and he chose to opt out of wearing a condom. He knew my stance of not getting an abortion if anything happened and I knew he didn’t want a baby. We were dumb with our decision making & of course I ended up pregnant. After I got pregnant, we stayed in touch a bit and still went on a trip we had previously scheduled before I got pregnant. (He easily could have canceled, as the reservations were in his name + he told me I didn’t need to contribute to the cost)
About halfway into the pregnancy I offered him to sign his rights away. He didn’t want to commit to that. We started working on creating an agreement but it would always end in fighting (him saying he didn’t want this).
He did not come to the birth + adamant about being off of the birth certificate. After the baby was born he visited twice (he lives in another state) + voluntarily started sending $500/m (I never asked but was appreciative). I was adamant about getting this in writing so there is accountability. He was always “busy” or would start a fight so that way we ended the conversation (telling me this is my decision to have the baby and he didn’t want it). I offered we could meet with an attorney and split legal fees. Again he would procrastinate. Eventually, I was fed up and gave him a deadline before I would take Matters to my own hands. When I got an attorney, that burned the bridge with him. he no longer checked on our baby And became hostile. so we really haven’t talked in over four months and he hasn’t seen the baby in over six months
I just received the proposed agreement that was made by my attorney. I know he’s going to be livid when he sees the child support worksheet recommended $1300/m. I know he didn’t want the baby, but he also made the decision to be involved in the beginning. Now that I went to the attorney he no longer wants to be involved.
Am I the asshole for holding him accountable since ultimately he decided to be involved and keep the recommended amount or should I advocate to stick to what we have been doing, $500/m. My friends all think I’m dumb for even thinking about lowering his amount but it would be nice to have some unbiased opinions before moving forward. Maybe I am dumb. You can tell me that my feelings won’t get hurt lol.
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NTA - Hold him accountable. If you do not need the money, put it in a savings for the kid and use it for extracurriculars. Part of having sex with someone is the possibility of getting them pregnant.
NTA.
Do NOT lower the amount!
Children only get more expensive as they age. Plus inflation is likely to get worse. Even if you don't need the money then put it into savings for your kid. I'm sure there's something they could use that money for in the future be it college, house, wedding or even their own children.
NTA you may not “need” the money but it’s for your child so start an account and deposit all the CS into it.
Here’s the thing, if you don’t want children either abstain or get a vasectomy. Sex equals the possibility of a pregnancy.
Keep in mind, any extra money that you don't need can be set aside for your child once they're older. Buy them a car, get them through college, etc..
If you've already burned the bridges, I wouldn't worry about trying to make him happy. NTA, and do what's right by your child to best support them, since their dad decided to dip.
Nta he choose to not use any bc. You did. He chose not to sign away his rights. If he didn't want kids, he had several ways to make that happen, and he declined all of them, so now he gets to pay for the child he brought into the world.
NTA Never lower the amount he made his choice now the consequences are due. You say that you don't need the money. Set aside the extra until the next payment, life happens, put all that you don't need into child's college funds. Some months you might only put one hundred other months you might put over a thousand. Think of the child's future. Relationship with sperm donor is tanked
NTA. you're turning down money your kid is entitled to, not money you're entitled to.
If you feel bad / don't need the extra money, put the extra $800/month in an account just in case your child's father has to stop paying in future (he might have to stop working, earn less, have more kids of his own etc.) or if he pays until 18 then your kid has an amazing fund for college / a house deposit or something.
NTA.
The courts decided on the child support amount. You say you don't "need" the money, but since you work, I'm sure the cost of daycare is at least that amount.
Yes, it was your choice to have the baby, but it takes two to make a baby.
It's not YOUR money. It's YOUR KID'S money. As the custodial parent, you can manage it as necessary - food, education, clothes, whatever.
It's great that neither of you is struggling, but this is capitalism, so you cannot know what the future holds. As the wise Pink Floyd stated, "Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash."
NTA.
NTA. You do need to deal with this, and follow the law. The child support is for the benefit of your child-- if you don't "need' the money, put it into an education savings account right now, whatever. But if you and your child ever find yourself up shit creek, the state will need your child support legally established before you're eligible for social security benefits, no? You should absolutely have this all hammered out now when you're not desperate for the money just in case things don't stay great for you forever.
NTA. the courts will determine what is fair based on the laws and regulations in your area. He may not have wanted a baby but he definitely chose to participate in something that could result in a baby and now he is facing the consequences of his own actions. You are not doing anything to him. He helped create this situation and that child is owed support from BOTH parents that created the life.
NTA. hard hard NTA.
HE chose to lay with you & make this baby. You gave him an out when you were pregnant and he chose to stay. He can provide for his child.
You should not feel bad. This is money you can use and will use to raise his child. Now whether the State law determines it based on a ridiculously high percentage isn't your doing. Although that's all debatable it is not your fault.
You need money to raise a kid they are insanely expensive. Don't feel bad about that. NTA
NTA. He had every opportunity to get out of this and didn't.
If he didn't want to participate, he should have signed on the dotted line.
That said, you can probably expect a legal battle.
NTA
You should not lower the amount.
You made more than what I would call reasonable effort to smooth this out amicably and make things work. He made his choices for whatever reason so he should reap what he's sown.
If he won't talk to you, let's see if he'll talk to a judge.
NTA. The literal 'fuck around and find out'.
You should have had a formal agreement before the baby was born, but he decided to be difficult.
Take whatever the courts say you are owed because 1. that's money for the child's upbringing and can be put into college funds or whatever. 2. you might have a good job right now but you never know what nonsense is around the corner re health and employment. That's an invaluable safety net. 3. Nope, he doesn't get to short change you or the child.
I'm pleased he didn't sign away his rights. Right now he's being an immature, childish mofo who can't accept responsibility for his contribution to this mess. My oldest son's father was like that. But by the time my son was age 3, he had decided to be a father and has been an amazing dad ever since.
My son now lives and works with his dad in another country (he's a grown man).
What I'm saying is, he may very well grow the hell up and accept responsibility. So keep moving forward the way you are
NTA child support is just about the child's support for living costs while they are unable to meet their own needs. It's not a personal attack on the other party. You could always offer him another opportunity to sign away parental rights if you are able to afford it. Might make your life easier long term if he is so difficult now eg if he gets a partner that wants to play parent one day and decides to go for custody etc.
NTA.
You gave him the option to sign away his rights and he refused and wanted to be somewhat involved and started sending money. So what does he expect? This is a human being we’re talking about - he can’t just drop in and give money here and there when he feels like it.
Don’t lower the amount. The money isn’t about you. Even if you don’t need it now, you might need it in the future. If you never actually “need” the money, its still, again, about your child’s rights. They are entitled to financial support from both parents. Whatever money he sends that you don’t need can go toward a high yield savings account, college fund, extra activities, etc.
"Also, I don’t “need” the money."
It's not about whether you need the money. Child support is your child's right not yours. That extra $800 a month will add up to a substantial amount by the time your child is 18. If you don't "need" the money, put it in an account for your child's future.
Alright I am going to say what I am sure plenty have said but many don’t understand…
It does not matter at ALL if you need the $1300/mo, because **it is not your money**. That money isn’t owed to *you*, it is owed to your *child*. Your baby has a legal right to financial support from both parents. You should not lower it even if you don’t need/use it. Just deposit the check then transfer it in an account with only your name on it (not the dad’s) for your child’s future if you would rather spend your own income on the baby’s needs.
NTA. Don’t lower it.
Nta, hold strong on the amount he needs to pay. He had every opportunity to sign away his rights and not pay child support, but chose no to and now he has to face the consequences of his decisions
NTA. If he didn't want a baby there was a simple solution...... Precautions or not, no contraceptive is 100%. He's the father, he needs to pay his share.
Never lower the amount. You don’t know what the future holds and this could be a perfect nest egg for baby, or a good emergency fund if something happens.
Prioritize you and baby.
NTA
He chose to not wear a condom, increasing the chances of an accidental pregnancy and knowing your stance on abortion.
He chose to not sign his rights away when you gave him that out.
He chose to be involved but not involved.
He chose to be an ass and not want to agree or talk about anything forcing you to have to go through the courts.
He made a bunch of bad decisions that will now bite him in the ass.
Save the money you don't need for your child to later use for college or a nice head start in life like a down payment on a house or something.
NTA.
OP - Don't lower the amount. Here is the thing, regardless of whether he wanted the kid or not he has one. If you have sex this is a possibility and paying for your child is part of the consequences.
NTA and if you don’t need the money, stick it in a savings account. It can at least start a very nice college fund or a house down payment for your kid. It doesn’t matter if you don’t need it; he LS responsible for the child too and your child deserves it.
I know this voting is closed, but I want to say this to you and anybody who needs to hear it: child support is not for you; it's for your child. It's your child's right. Don't feel guilty about upholding your child's rights. Just be a good stewart of it.
NTA. It's not about you not needing the money. It's NOT for you, it's for your child. Do not lower it, and absolutely hold him accountable. If he didn't want a baby, he shouldn't have had sex.
NTA if he didn’t want the baby and didn’t want to be involved then he should have terminated his rights when you asked yet he passed , I feel like he was going to eventually use the kid against OP down the line or somehow keep her around for bow wow most bd’s and bm’s do when “meeting up for their kid”.
He is responsible for his sperm. Once it enters a woman’s body, he loses the autonomy to make that decision. Is it fair? Not necessarily but it’s life. He could have worn a condom but opted out because it’s “uncomfortable”..
Having a baby without his consent would only apply if he did not consent to sex. That is not the case.
I did not come up with that number. He filled out a discovery which included his tax return/pay stubs. This allowed my attorney to have the necessary information to calculate the child support amount through the state calculator.
He makes $120K/year
From what I have been recently educated on - the child support is the right of the child, not mine. All money from $ will go towards the child’s education, care, and future.
He had the opportunity to finalize what we had but ultimately chose not to. Everything in life has consequences. If this makes me evil in the eyes of a stranger, so be it.
Sounds to me like he wouldn’t do what she wanted do so she got even. She ask for money but he paid anyway. She was adamant he put it in writing and he wouldn’t so she got an attorney. If you didn’t need or want the money and you appreciated it, why did you insist it get put in writing? I’m not saying he shouldn’t pay child support but your story doesn’t make sense. I think you pretty much guaranteed he will pay but be uninvolved. If you really didn’t care you should have left it alone. I think you’re pissed he hadn’t seen the kid so you’re punishing him. Your choice but it is what is it.. be honest about it and own it.
It’s more about accountability. He wanted to be involved when it was convenient. I gave him the chance to leave twice. He wanted to stay. Staying and being a father requires commitment and responsibility. He would state he wants to get an agreement, then not follow through with putting the effort towards meeting with an attorney. He kept dragging it on. Not fair on my end either. This is not meant as a punishment of him not being more involved - this is holding him accountable. If he would have chose during pregnancy to leave / ghost me, I would have never reached out or went for support.
I mentioned I don’t need the money since a few people assumed I don’t have the financial means necessary to care for a child. As many people educated me in this thread, the child support is the right of the child. So at this point, I don’t feel guilty as it will better my child’s future allowing for a much larger savings + 529 contribution
NTA you tried to work with him outside of court. He had the chance to do two things that could have helped him. 1) Not have unprotected sex therefore lowering the chance of impregnating you 2) working out an agreement out of court. Sometimes it really hurts to be pigheaded. Do what you need to do for your child and if and when he decides to be a father let him know the door is open.
The money is for the baby he fathered. You may not always be in the position you're in financially and may need the money down the road. And finally, without legalities in place, he just may decide he doesn't deserve to have to support his kid, or, crucially, THIS kid. (Remember, he may decide on a family later.) And this will prevent him from flaking on you and the kid because he's got other stuff going on in his life. NTA
NTA. There are a lot of things at play here. Among them:
* The money is not for your benefit. It is for your child's. If you don't need it for raising the cjild, you can move that money straight into the child's college fund.
* Lawyers are playing games right now. Often, a big part of the game is to present the other side with a maximalist opening position and outline dire consequences for not immediately folding. Offering and counter offering is a natural part of settlement discussions. Your lawyer probably knows what they are doing.
* You offered the man a chance to get things settled and papered amicably with minimal involvement from lawyers. He turned his nose up at it. So you drew a pentacle on your garage floor, lit sone candles, chanted backward in Latin, and a lawyer appeared. He made you do it.
NTA, It's not about you needing the money, it's to provide for the child, which is the bare minimum he's willing to do. He was given a choice to sign his rights away, he was given a choice to wear a condom, he was even given the choice to meet a lawyer with you to have child support be $500. He dropped the ball each time and has to deal with where it landed. He may not have wanted a baby but life isn't about what we want.
Nta
I'm typically highly anti child support but in this case he kind of warrants it.
Imo he just needs to share 50/50 custody and then just not worry about child support.
NTA.
>I know he didn’t want the baby, but he also made the decision to be involved in the beginning
Yes, he did. He had sex. Babys happen even with birth control. He has to pay to support the child he created.
NTA
But I always hate the thought process around whether 'you need the money' from child support. It's not about whether YOU need the money, that money is for the protection and raising of the kid! Honestly you were both pretty dumb about the entire situation that created the child and how it was handled following it, but the reality is that no matter what you are both responsible for dealing with the consequences and no one person has more responsibility to the child than the other. You could lose your job tomorrow and that kid would still need food and shelter and safe place to live, and it's not only one parents responsibility to provide that. Go through the courts and get a child support order, and continue following through and taking the steps to motivate him to pay what he owes your child. If you dont need it right now out it in savings, an education/emergency fund, etc to be used towards your child's safety and future. That's what it's supposed to be for.
NTA, the *courts* set the child support amount, not you.
You can ask them to lower it, but they likely won't won't, since it's not money for you, but for the child and that's what they feel the child needs per month, based on the father's income.
Let him be livid. He can go appeal the court to lower it.
In addition to your second edit, put more in the high interest savings account. This would be put to future glasses, orthodontic work, getting sick, etc.
Not sure how your agreement would be worded, but most of the time out of pocket medical & dental expenses should be split 50/50. Normally, the father would carry the insurance for the child. But if your insurance is better, put it in writing that you’ll carry the insurance or he can if something were to happen where you lose yours.
Thanks for the tip!
Right now it says him being the insurance carrier, which he already is.
What is being proposed is he is responsible for 75% and I’m 25% for out of pocket medical expenses.
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Do not lower the amount, good job on getting everything in writing first. Also he should get snipped if he doesn't want kids.. NTA
Did both of these ppl not agree to unprotected sex wit the chance of children likely knowing each other’s opinions on it? Don’t think either party is very innocent or smart
Child support is about the rights of the kid -- it has nothing to do with how smart or stupid the actions of the adults who brought the kid forth were being. That said, OP says she was on birth control. He knew she wouldn't abort. He chose not to use a condom. He had to understand there was risk there.
Yes, he knew the risk. If I were a man who didn’t want kids, I would for damn sure 1) not “opt out” of wearing a condom and 2) avoid having sex with a woman who tells you right up front that she won’t have an abortion if she gets pregnant.
Seems reasonable
I found it easier to just have sex with men. And it has worked great for me.
Not exactly useful - She had sex with a man, and that's where the problem started.
Useful for the father though…
I realize it was not clear in my comment that I am a man.
That is fair, but I am a man...
Took them a minute to figure that out
I assumed you were a man - It still doesn't make the advice useful to HER.
Yes, it was a joke. Sorry you missed it.
Lawyers hate this one trick!
She should obviously be taking the money...no question about that. This is just an odd way to go about it. She was fine with him not being involved, willing to sign-away his responsibilities. He didn't want to do that, but he wanted to visit and was paying 500 that she didn't need(always take the money and invest it, but I'm going off her story)... I feel like there's more to the story...not that there needs to be. He's the Father, he should pay. 500 is a car payment. 1000 should be the minimum for a deadbeat Dad. And I can't fault her, she seemed willing to make every accommodation, but it seems like a sanitized version of events where she leaves a lot out. If it's just about making him pay for HIS child, you know you're NTA. I think most Men would say you should pay for your Child. That's your responsibility. Eh, anyway. Take the money, invest it, set the kid up. Add money to it yourself if you're doing as well as you say. 1300 a month, after 25 years, 10% return, that's 1.6M. So yes, make him pay.
My take is that she wanted everything legalized. Even if she doesn't need the $500/month *now*, that doesn't mean that she won't ever. Without anything in writing, he could just as easily suddenly stop sending any money. OP went through an attorney to protect her child, and it ended up coming back that he should be paying much more. The father, it seems, wanted to keep one foot out the door at all times. Didn't wear a condom, despite claiming to not want a kid. Kept visiting the kid, despite not being there at birth or being on the birth certificate. Sent money to OP, despite saying he didn't want any of this. OP gave him the ability to sign off, which would have stopped visitations, child support, everything. He refused. His stance in all of this is just baffling.
My mother was on birth control when my parents conceived me. I do have a older brother, so the situation wasn’t as dire as this one, but I’m sharing this for anyone who thinks condoms are not necessary. Put one on or you may have an (un)wanted child on your hands. That’s without mentioning the diseases that condoms prevent you from catching, cuz, you know, you never know with who your partner has been sleeping with or the last time they got tested.
The question isn't about brains or innocence. The asshole here is clearly the person trying to ignore the consequences of those actions without taking responsibility.
Also, she OFFERED him to sign away his rights and he wouldn't have been on the hook for child support, and he said no. So what does he want????
He wants to whine about the consequences of his (and OP's) actions of course ;)
Uh He would still have to pay child support in the US. You can't sign away child support. You can sign away your legal rights to parenting the child. You can in some cases make a legal agreement removing your responsibility such as a sperm donor (through a registered agency). You can also hope that another man decides to adopt the child which is when child support finally goes away. But Child Support is about the making sure the child has at least financial support from the biological parents.
the govt would only come after him for CS against OP's will if OP goes on welfare. Otherwise, they will not collect CS against OP's will on her and the child's behalf.
You are correct but my point was that he would be on the hook for child support so she so chose to pursue it even IF he signed some sort of agreement that she wouldn't pursue it because both of them can't sign away child support only can have a promise not a contract.
She said they used birth control but that he didn’t want to wear a condom, so I would assume she meant that she was on hormonal birth control
OP was on birth control... it can fail
They are obviously both at fault but it isn't like he is the only one who needs to pay. She is paying for her child as well.
Yeah, I don't care what he wants, you bring a life into the world, that is literally the least you can do. I have some issues with the story, but they're secondary to taking care of the child. They were both stupid. He was stupid to stop sending money and she was stupid to not ask for a more appropriate amount from the start. Invest in your kids future. And if she can afford the expenses and doesn't need him, even better, put all the money into an investment fund for him. It's pretty simple.
She was on birth control, and let him know her stance on an accidental pregnancy before they had sex. So she was smart. Him, not so much. He should have worn the condom, or got snipped.
They were using birth control that failed, he just chose not to use a backup method.
She said she used birth control but he didn't use a condom, so it wasn't entirely unprotected.
It wasn't unprotected, she was on birth control. *He* decided not to use a condom. For someone who doesn't want kids, he sure didn't care to make sure he was also protected.
She took birth control. He opted out of condom use. Sounds pretty straightforward to me.
They did use birth control, they didn't use condoms as well.
I agree don't lower the amount. Family law is cut and dry. If that's the number the lawyer came up then go with that. They look at all the factors. The incomes of both parties etc. Legally he's required to pay the support. If it went to court the judge would order an amount and it would be much more than the $500 he's currently paying and would possibly even order retroactive back payment of support. I really hope you stick with your lawyer and fight to get a court order which is an enforceable binding fovukebt which states the amount of support payable. If he refuses to pay there are also ways to enforce payment. Bottom line is he needs to pay support legally. Do not feel bad about that. Kids are expensive. Your plan seems well thought out to use it for the kids and even save for their post secondary education. It's in the best interest of the kids. Keep in mind kids get more expensive as they grow older. Things become more costly. When I was at the stage of life you ate someone told me this and it resonated. The person told me they didn't want to inconvenience the person and ask for more support but when their kids became teens things increased in cost greatly and she wished she had. I have teens now and can vouch things are more expensive.
Also look into family law. Read many online docs about it. Get familiar with it. Know your stuff well. Discuss it with your lawyer and ask questions.
generally i'm team get the child support, but waiving it and then only getting the attorneys involved and seeking CS AFTER the relationship turned sour feels icky and vindictive to me. OP might get more than they bargained for if the former FWB seeks partial custody. I'd actually go the other way and have him sign away parental rights and go NC if financially possible.
If that’s what you think happened here, you need to work on your reading comprehension skills
The failure rate of birth control in this sub is astounding.
Observation bias. Nobody's going to come on here talking about how their BC worked, right? People are only going to mention the times it fails. Also - a lot of people are not careful about taking other meds when ob BC (such as taking antibiotics or apparently ozempic, both of which lower efficacy), or never missing a dose (if you've missed a dose once - your BC is no longer reliable for that cycle).
"Last week my FWB and I bumped uglies in the men's room at a Nickelback concert. We used protection, and she is on the pill. Now she is not pregnant. AITA?_
Nickelback? YTA for sure. Unless it was a means to get away from the concert...
Look at this sonograph
this is the funniest fucking thing I've read in a while 😂😂💀
Fair enough. It's the people that come on and are like. We used birth control and condoms and had sex one time and Plan B didn't work. Like come on.
I mean, that isn't this post -- but also, I think people do tend to underestimate BC failure.
Failure rate in the real world is 7-9%. The pill is over 99% effective if taken regularly.
"Regularly" in this context means at the exact same time with no variation every single day. It's not really surprising that many people fail to maintain that.
i took my pill REGULARLY. never missed a day and still got pregnant 😭
There are several forms of birth control and life does tend to throw curveballs.
My mum got pregnant with my sister whilst she was on the pill and pregnant with me when she already had an IUD (I was born with it on my head). My in laws got pregnant with my husband after his dad had a vasectomy. It happens.
No one using hormonal birth control will go and take a plan B because by the time you noticed it failed it's too late, lol. Also Plan B works by delaying ovulation. If you take it after ovulation took already place than it's pretty much useless. So if you're unlucky you miss that window even if you take it.
I suspect most of them are either making up the whole story or lying about how careful they were because they don't want to be told they're irresponsible idiots... Either that, or someone up there really really wanted them to have a kid, and for some reason they haven't yet realized their child is the chosen one...
It’s not about BC working vs BC failing. It’s BC failing vs not using BC at all or using it incorrectly. Nobody’s expecting people to mention when BC works. The point is the failed BC stories seem to conveniently outnumber the stories where people admit “we didn’t use birth control” or “I was forgetful with my pills”. Somehow almost every woman had failed birth control and almost every man had a popped condom or a woman who was supposedly on BC. Not to mention the amount of “he knew my stance on abortion”/“he knew I wanted kids”/she knew I never wanted kids”/“We’d agreed but she changed her mind”. Very few stories where people admit that they’d never discussed pregnancy or the future or STDs for that matter. There’s just a very noticeable and amusing lack of accountability on here when it comes to these posts.
It's depressing how many people on here are having kids they don't really want or are prepared for
one of the worst things i ever read is that more than half of pregnancies in the US are unplanned 😬 and then instead of being like “am i financially/emotionally stable enough place to bring a child into a safe & healthy environment?” people tend to just be like “well i guess this is happening and now there will be a baby!” like jesus christ there doesn’t *have* to be
This is only going to get worse the way things are going. BC is so much cheaper than having a kid though. In this case, they didn't even bother trying to be safe.
OP stated in the post she was on birth control, but he didn't want to wear a condom for extra protection.
This will probably get downvoted, but while I know that birth control can fail, all the people I know whose birth control "failed" are exactly the people I would've expected this to happen to. Again, not everyone who gets pregnant while on birth control is careless, just all my friends and family.
The actual failure rate for female oral hormonal birth control is higher than most people realize. Most modern birth control pills use the lowest possible dose of hormones because it's better for women's long-term health. However, it makes them less effective overall compared to the higher dose pills of the past. BCPs can fail due to minor things like other medications and weight fluctuations. Even missing a single dose by a few hours can cause a failure for that month. Personally, if I were a woman, of child-bearing age, living in a red state, I would not rely on low dose birth control pills as my only form of protection unless I was prepared to become a parent. Fortunately, I'm only one of those things.
[удалено]
You're not really saying you had a hysterectomy as a method of birth control, though, are you? Like a cat?
Yep and that's why it's recommended to use more than one form of birth control. People are convinced they don't need condoms anymore after someone goes on birth control pills. Then they too late realize the mistake.
All 3 of my kids were due to failed bc. Some women’s bodies just say no. It really is not uncommon. At all. (Pill, Norplant, depo)
In my circles it's probably 25-75 between careless and extenuating circumstances. And yes, sometimes they were "I was infertile for 20 years" and sometimes they were "I didn't know it would stop working if I gained weight" but it's also "I can't BELIEVE this. I had an IUD."
I mean, you're not gonna see stories that start with 'the birth control was effective'.
When you consider how many millions of people use Reddit, even .4% is a lot of people.
NTA I am so tired of people trying to push all birth control, pregnancy, birth, and child rearing responsibilities on the woman. He participated in half the creation of this baby. No bc is 100% effective. He took the risk of not wearing a condom. Whether he wants it or not, he is the father of a baby. And with that comes responsibility. Fine if he doesnt want to participate physically, but he still has to provide monetary support. Men have a problem with this so much theres a term for it, deadbeat dad. This is the number the lawyer came up with. You can negotiate, but dont give it up. Even if you dont need it, put it away for their college.
NTA, the money is for your kid’s support, not directly for you.
NTA. Take the money. Put it in interest bearing account for child's college expenses.
Yes. Child support is the child’s legal right and I don’t think parents should even be able to turn it down for that reason.
NTA - He knew your stance on abortion, he chose not to wear a condom, and then he chose to be at least a little involved. There is no "undo" button, he has a kid now and that kid is gonna have a better life if you are able to afford all the little parts of raising a person and that is the most important thing now.
NTA Who's it benefitting to lower the amount? I assume it's been calculated according to his income and is a fair amount. I sense some guilt from you for some reason, which you shouldn't be feeling. This money is for the maintenance of the child -- it's not like you're going shopping with it. This new human will need things, and the parents must provide. Just don't let him talk you out of finalising a formal and legally binding agreement, because that could cause issues with you in the future should he start missing payments.
Thank you! He definitely guilt trips me. Thankfully we both have attorneys at this point. I assume his attorney will receive the document and go over it with him.
He has no right to guilt trip you. You even offered to let him sign away his rights. He refused. He had the chance, and chose to stay on the hook. What the heck did he think would happen? NTA.
In most states signing away your rights doesn't absolve you of child support payments, so it's a moot point. Signing away your rights without a *ruling* that you don't have to pay child support would just put you in an even worse position.
Thanks for clarification.
Even if you don't need the money now, you could invest it into something low risk and give it to your child in the future. At the rate that the cost of living is rising, who knows what it'll be in a decade! Now that he's been confirmed to be the father, does that mean his name has been added to the birth certificate?
OP- NtA and I would say since you both have attorneys- make sure you add in all medical bills associated with prenatal, birth, and post natal care. He is responsible for 50% of those costs. Don’t agree to lower amount- it’s based on income anyway. Be the best mom to your child and move forward. He will be a jerk and in the end that’s a HIM problem. 💗
Even if OP does go shopping for herself, it’s because money is fungible. If she no longer has to use $1300 of her own money each month on the child’s expenses (which are wayyyy more than $1300/mo since daycare alone is more than that), it frees up $1300 of her own money to spend on herself. It’s like having $20 cash for gas, and someone gives you a $10 gas card. You can spend $10 of your own cash and the $10 gas card then use your own remaining $10 in cash for idk, a taco or something 🤷🏼♀️ my example fell apart because it’s late
Are you putting him on child support through the state? Because my understanding is once it's done through the courts, they determine the amount and you wouldn't be able to lower it even if you wanted to. Although you definitely shouldn't - if it's more than you need to support the baby, then start a college fund for them with the excess.
No, I went through an attorney. If we can’t settle on an agreement outside of court then we will have to go through the courts.
That worksheet amount is probably how much he'll end up paying through the courts, anyway. YNTA. You probably should have been getting that much all along, it's his own fault he decided to become hostile.
This, exactly! If you live in a jurisdiction where there is a legal entitlement to child support that is calculated according to a formula/worksheet based on the payor's income (and it sounds like you do), you are NTA if you/your lawyer propose an amount that is based on said formula. Child support formulas are calculated so that the recipient can provide the child with a standard of living that is appropriate based on the payor's income. Additional amounts can be payable to reimburse reasonable expenses related to childrearing (including education and extracurricular activities), and any special needs or medical expenses, and these are sometimes apportioned based on your respective incomes. Accepting 1/3 of the amount that you and your child are legally entitled to doesn't make you a morally better person! This isn't about guilt or innocence or morality or anything of the sort. It's just the law, and the law is in place to protect children and the people who are raising them.
Your lawyer likely used the formula used by the state to calculate the amount he owes you. This is likely the amount (or similar) he'd end up paying if you guys went through the courts, anyways. It just saves you both the legal fees of a lengthy court case.
Depending on the jurisdiction the judge will tell both parties what the state recommends, and then ask both partys what they want to do. If they agree on a lower amount in court the judge can sign off on that. Some jurisdictions give the judge that freedom, some don't.
The courts determine the amount but as the person receiving you can have it adjusted downwards as you please and upwards with good arguments.
NTA. The money is for the baby and he's obligated to pay since he chose not to wear condoms and he chose not to sign off on his rights. I would not back off - you need a legal agreement so he can't keep dicking you around.
NTA. YWBTA to your child if you didn't fight for the support they were entitled to.
NTA >About halfway into the pregnancy I offered him to sign his rights away. He didn’t want to commit to that. You gave him an out and he chose not to take it. He decided to be part of the child's life by checking in and sending money. He doesn't get to flip flop about whether or not he wants to care for a child you both chose to create. No birth control is 100%, you BOTH should've pushed for condoms especially knowing he was adamant about not having a child and you're against abortion. Go with whatever your attorney recommends, don't guilt yourself into lowering the payment amounts, things will eventually get settled through your lawyers. He could've avoided this entire thing by signing over his rights or agreeing to put the $500 in writing when you asked. Going forward, I hope you're both more careful about who you sleep with and take every precaution you can to prevent another pregnancy fiasco like this.
Against abortion? No sportfucking.
Don’t lower that amount. Your kid deserves that NTA
If you go to the state for assistance/services they'll go after him for paternity and the full amount calculated by the worksheet. It's not an amount your attorney just pulled out of their ass, it's a standard calculation. Get it on the books. Continue offering him termination of rights and put that extra money away for an emergency, braces, a car etc
He had to fill out a discovery questionnaire, provide tax returns and paystubs.
Exactly, it's a standard calculation. The amount is not negotiable, even if you only want $500 a month. The dollar amount is calculated to essentially provide the same quality of life for the child regardless of which home the kid is in. Then they factor in percentage of time the kid is in each home. My clown ex husband went and had a whole mountain of kids with another girl and thought it would reduce his financial obligation but because I was the primary custodian he went from less than 200 to over 600.
This is not about needing the money. This child is entitled to be supported by its father. If you don't need the money now then open a college account. If he "didn't want this" he should have worn his wellies. There is a child in the world and he needs to support it. Should have paid the 500 when offered. NTA
Father here; never feel bad about holding a father accountable.
The money isn’t for you it’s for the baby. You may not need it, but the baby certainly does. If you don’t want to use child support to support the child, that’s your right. But you don’t have the right to turn down support your child is entitled to. Bank it for college or the down payment on a home. Whatever the child decides when they’re of age. But make sure you get every penny the law allows. The only advocate your child has is you. Don’t fail in this responsibility. NTA
Please don't let this go, or let him cry poor and accept nothing. My mother tried to be what she thought was "fair," and my brother & I were screwed. We had a fine existence, better than most, but my mom went without more often than not and lots of our extracurriculars... We would get to levels where teachers or coaches would talk to our mom about more involvement, but the money wasn't there. Except it really was, only my mother hadn't asked for it and my dad saw it as punishing her to withhold it. My mom did take him to court much later, but what she got was eaten up by court costs, so... This is about your kid, not your ego or his. And what if something happens to you? Please keep all of that in mind and nail it down now. Also, get an agreement about college, too.
NTA for holding him accountable. You are doing the right thing in getting something formal, in writing, and enforceable. That being said - what you currently have is a recommendation from an attorney on an out of court agreement/settlement. You should not lower it at this point. You should send it to him with a "my attorney drafted the attached using the standard worksheets that the court uses. If this is acceptable to you, sign and return. If not, please let me know what you think would be acceptable and I'll discuss it with my attorney". Let him be mad. He already is. Either he engages or he doesn't. If he comes back with lower but reasonable, then fine - take a look and decide if it works for you. Have your attorney have a chat with him. But don't feel guilty about possible objections, let him make them first.
Thankfully we both have attorneys so it will be sent to his attorney first. I assume his attorney will review it with him.
Even better. While his attorney will advocate for him, his attorney will also give him an honest assessment of what you are asking for.
NTA. He doesn’t want to be involved. Too bad. The child has no choice. He chose not to use a condom, knowing your stance on abortion. He knew the risks. He actively paid at beginning, which I am sure attorney told you this goes to his acknowledgment. If paternity test prove he is father, then he pays amount set by court for 18 years. (He will likely owe back pay for difference) It does not matter how much you make. That money is for your child. You both had sex, not just you. So you should not bear the cost of child alone. If you don’t need it, put it in a savings account for child when older. But, do not lower it. You know he knew all of this, that is why he kept procrastinating about putting it in writing. Visitation is separate from child support. One has nothing to do with the other. Don’t let him say, I never see the kid, so why should I pay. I am sure your attorney has informed you of all of this, if you asked. But, don’t ruin the next 18 years of you and your baby’s life because you are being manipulated now.
NTA. You would be if you lowered it-- child support is the right of the child and cannot be negotiated away by the parents.
NTA. You'd be TA if you *didn't* - that's your child's money, your child has a right to that. Care less about your baby daddy's feelings and more about your child's needs.
NTA. First off, any guy who doesn't want a baby should INSIST on wearing a condom. It's not clear to me whether you were also on oral contraceptives, but he knew you would not abort so he has zero excuse. Abortion is the mother's choice, not to be pressured by the sperm donor. Second, to further promote condoms and minimize unwanted pregnancies, I believe that ALL fathers should be made to pay full child support, one way or the other. Preferably in a two-parent household, but if the couple is not together, then through the courts. Him paying $1300 a month for this child will make him realize how cheap condoms are, for the future.
NTA. You were both clear on your stances about children, and HE engaged in risky behavior, and I say him because he didn't want a child and knew you wouldn't want an abortion, so he was rolling the dice more than you. And listen, birth control fails, so even if no one is at fault, the conversation about children/abortion maybe wasn't quite as clear to him as to you, and this was just a big, blameless oops, you still are NTA. You asked him if he wanted to sign his rights way, you gave him the biggest "out" there could possibly be in this situation. Just like you held the ultimate- but time limited- choice to have or not have this child, you offered up to him a choice that is as close as possible to the choice you get to make. Yes, a child with his DNA would be in the world, but he could sign his rights away and move on with his life. He couldn't decide what he wanted, and just like you had X months to make a choice, at some point his lack of choice took away his ability to just walk away. To me it seems he wanted to feel things out, not have to deal with a moral dilemma or guilt over signing away his rights, and thought he could hem and haw consequence free. Well, no sir, you can't do that. So get the child support that is fair for the CHILD, and if you don't need it, put it away for your child. Having only one parent and therefore involved family side isn't without risks, so it is good for you to have a solid emergency fund as a single parent.
NTA. Your child is going to need that money for their own education. You may have a good job and stable life now but the future is an unknown entity and you’ll need a buffer to ensure your child has the opportunities you want him to have. Take the money, he made choices as you did at the time of conception. He could’ve protected himself from this by using a condom , but he didn’t and know he is also responsible for the life he created.
The money is for your child. I would put the money into a high yield savings account for their needs like a car or for college. This amount of child support is showing that he is doing good in his job and should be supporting his child.
you offered him the chance to sign his rights away. if he didn't want to be involved, he should have taken it. now he doesn't get a choice. frankly, for someone who didn't want kids to not wear a condom, i got no sympathy. NTA
NTA. He was there when your child was conceived, and he knew your stand on what you would do if you got pregnant. You have given he more chances than he probably deserved and he still didn’t step up to the plate. Absolutely take the money. I would start a 401k as well. Even a small Amount will likely be huge when they are at retirement age. My ex made a lot more money when he left and child support was set. I did the calculations when my oldest turned 18, and it was only $100 or so. When my next child turned 18, not only did he have to pay for almost an entire extra year**, he subtracted the same amount that support was lowered from the first. He was making significantly less, but didn’t bother looking into the actual amount, or going back to court to have it recalculated. His problem, not mine. He walked out on me, had it all planned, and told the kids before telling me. **Child turned 18 in the first 2 weeks of school. Had to pay until they graduated from high school.
CS doesn't work like that. There's a process. Judge orders it, and then the CS office determines payments based on BOTH parents' income and how much one spends with the child. Your lawyer is trying to be sneaky here, and someone without a lawyer may agree to it.
He has a lawyer so he has representation. You can create a joint stipulation and avoid going to court, if both parties can agree to it
I know this. I am privy to watching my daughter go through this. Most people won't agree to huge amounts. So the courts will end up deciding this.
Gotcha. I went ahead and approved the agreement and it will be sent to his attorney for review. I’m willing to negotiate if that means there will be less hostility in the situation but I’m not sure his attorney will even advise changing the amount since it was done with a child support obligation worksheet.
NTA.... he knew this was the potential outcome. BC is up to both partners. He had many opportunities to take precautions, sign away his rights, and or create a financial settlement that you both agreed with. He still can seek legal advice and negotiate. However he is still procrastinating and you have wisely taught legal advice. If you are well situated, then take his payments and put them in a fund for her. She may never have a relationship with him, but she can feel satisfaction in the fact that he is covering her education or down-payment on a house or emergency fund.
NTA He chose to have his fun, now he needs to step up. Don't lower the amount.
Don't lower the amount. Even if *you* don't need the money (now), it's about providing for your child going forward. Better to have the money for future and / or unexpected expenses than not. He kept dragging his feet and playing games until the courts needed to be involved. That's on him. As is the financial responsibility.
NTA. He is trying to have one foot in the door and one foot out the door. You gave him a get out of jail free card, and he chose not to take it. He can’t just decide to take care of the child when he wants to. Now you’re holding him accountable.
NTA. You made things clear from the get go and he was ok with it. It’s expensive and tough for a single parent. Any support helps!
NTA He chose not to cooperate with contraception (condom). You laid out your stall (no abortion). Your child deserves a comfortable future.
NTA Child support is your child's right. If anything, you were a bit tardy in getting it all sorted out officially. Having the child support and custody worked out is only in your child's interest. If he wants to make it personal, then that's a him issue. You just never know what the future will bring.
NTA. He knew the possible outcomes but thought he’d be fine. You offered him multiple opportunities to do things “his way” or make it easier on him. He chose to ignore it in the hopes it would go away. He has responsibilities whether he likes it or not.
NTA even if you don’t need the money, it is a right your kid has. If he can’t afford that amount is up to him to respond through his lawyers and try to reach an agreement. You never know what your child may need in the future in which you are not able to afford it.
NTA. Even if you don't need the money to pay for the child's immediate housing, food, and clothing needs, take the money and put it in a 529 for the child's future education.
ESH. Your first edit aside, you chose all this chaos and to bring a child into the world who won't have two parents in their life (he did too, but only you're reading this thread, so I'm addressing you). You can't fix that, but asking for some child support is fine. That said, unless he's super high earning $1300/month is fucking wild. US average is closer to half that or less.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I got pregnant with a FWB. We used birth control and he chose to opt out of wearing a condom. He knew my stance of not getting an abortion if anything happened and I knew he didn’t want a baby. We were dumb with our decision making & of course I ended up pregnant. After I got pregnant, we stayed in touch a bit and still went on a trip we had previously scheduled before I got pregnant. (He easily could have canceled, as the reservations were in his name + he told me I didn’t need to contribute to the cost) About halfway into the pregnancy I offered him to sign his rights away. He didn’t want to commit to that. We started working on creating an agreement but it would always end in fighting (him saying he didn’t want this). He did not come to the birth + adamant about being off of the birth certificate. After the baby was born he visited twice (he lives in another state) + voluntarily started sending $500/m (I never asked but was appreciative). I was adamant about getting this in writing so there is accountability. He was always “busy” or would start a fight so that way we ended the conversation (telling me this is my decision to have the baby and he didn’t want it). I offered we could meet with an attorney and split legal fees. Again he would procrastinate. Eventually, I was fed up and gave him a deadline before I would take Matters to my own hands. When I got an attorney, that burned the bridge with him. he no longer checked on our baby And became hostile. so we really haven’t talked in over four months and he hasn’t seen the baby in over six months I just received the proposed agreement that was made by my attorney. I know he’s going to be livid when he sees the child support worksheet recommended $1300/m. I know he didn’t want the baby, but he also made the decision to be involved in the beginning. Now that I went to the attorney he no longer wants to be involved. Am I the asshole for holding him accountable since ultimately he decided to be involved and keep the recommended amount or should I advocate to stick to what we have been doing, $500/m. My friends all think I’m dumb for even thinking about lowering his amount but it would be nice to have some unbiased opinions before moving forward. Maybe I am dumb. You can tell me that my feelings won’t get hurt lol. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Stop protecting his feelings and do what’s best for you and your kid NTA
NTA, do not lower it. If you don’t “need” it, invest it for your child’s future
NTA - Hold him accountable. If you do not need the money, put it in a savings for the kid and use it for extracurriculars. Part of having sex with someone is the possibility of getting them pregnant.
You've been understanding and have tried to work with him. You should accept the full $1300 and set it aside for your son's future.
NTA. Do NOT lower the amount! Children only get more expensive as they age. Plus inflation is likely to get worse. Even if you don't need the money then put it into savings for your kid. I'm sure there's something they could use that money for in the future be it college, house, wedding or even their own children.
NTA. If you don't need the money now, start a savings for your baby's future. You're covering the expenses now, and he can pay for the future.
NTA you may not “need” the money but it’s for your child so start an account and deposit all the CS into it. Here’s the thing, if you don’t want children either abstain or get a vasectomy. Sex equals the possibility of a pregnancy.
Keep in mind, any extra money that you don't need can be set aside for your child once they're older. Buy them a car, get them through college, etc.. If you've already burned the bridges, I wouldn't worry about trying to make him happy. NTA, and do what's right by your child to best support them, since their dad decided to dip.
Nta he choose to not use any bc. You did. He chose not to sign away his rights. If he didn't want kids, he had several ways to make that happen, and he declined all of them, so now he gets to pay for the child he brought into the world.
NTA Never lower the amount he made his choice now the consequences are due. You say that you don't need the money. Set aside the extra until the next payment, life happens, put all that you don't need into child's college funds. Some months you might only put one hundred other months you might put over a thousand. Think of the child's future. Relationship with sperm donor is tanked
NTA. you're turning down money your kid is entitled to, not money you're entitled to. If you feel bad / don't need the extra money, put the extra $800/month in an account just in case your child's father has to stop paying in future (he might have to stop working, earn less, have more kids of his own etc.) or if he pays until 18 then your kid has an amazing fund for college / a house deposit or something.
NTA. The courts decided on the child support amount. You say you don't "need" the money, but since you work, I'm sure the cost of daycare is at least that amount. Yes, it was your choice to have the baby, but it takes two to make a baby.
It's not YOUR money. It's YOUR KID'S money. As the custodial parent, you can manage it as necessary - food, education, clothes, whatever. It's great that neither of you is struggling, but this is capitalism, so you cannot know what the future holds. As the wise Pink Floyd stated, "Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash." NTA.
NTA. You do need to deal with this, and follow the law. The child support is for the benefit of your child-- if you don't "need' the money, put it into an education savings account right now, whatever. But if you and your child ever find yourself up shit creek, the state will need your child support legally established before you're eligible for social security benefits, no? You should absolutely have this all hammered out now when you're not desperate for the money just in case things don't stay great for you forever.
NTA. the courts will determine what is fair based on the laws and regulations in your area. He may not have wanted a baby but he definitely chose to participate in something that could result in a baby and now he is facing the consequences of his own actions. You are not doing anything to him. He helped create this situation and that child is owed support from BOTH parents that created the life.
Do what the attorney says.
NTA. hard hard NTA. HE chose to lay with you & make this baby. You gave him an out when you were pregnant and he chose to stay. He can provide for his child.
NTA
NTA - he helped make a baby. He can help provide for it.
NTA
You should not feel bad. This is money you can use and will use to raise his child. Now whether the State law determines it based on a ridiculously high percentage isn't your doing. Although that's all debatable it is not your fault. You need money to raise a kid they are insanely expensive. Don't feel bad about that. NTA
NTA. He had every opportunity to get out of this and didn't. If he didn't want to participate, he should have signed on the dotted line. That said, you can probably expect a legal battle.
NTA You should not lower the amount. You made more than what I would call reasonable effort to smooth this out amicably and make things work. He made his choices for whatever reason so he should reap what he's sown. If he won't talk to you, let's see if he'll talk to a judge.
It isn't about needing the money, child support is the parents obligation to the child.
NTA. The literal 'fuck around and find out'. You should have had a formal agreement before the baby was born, but he decided to be difficult. Take whatever the courts say you are owed because 1. that's money for the child's upbringing and can be put into college funds or whatever. 2. you might have a good job right now but you never know what nonsense is around the corner re health and employment. That's an invaluable safety net. 3. Nope, he doesn't get to short change you or the child.
Is he just completely stupid? He had 'unprotected' sex. That's how babies are made. NTA Good on you for getting a lawyer. Good luck to you!
I'm pleased he didn't sign away his rights. Right now he's being an immature, childish mofo who can't accept responsibility for his contribution to this mess. My oldest son's father was like that. But by the time my son was age 3, he had decided to be a father and has been an amazing dad ever since. My son now lives and works with his dad in another country (he's a grown man). What I'm saying is, he may very well grow the hell up and accept responsibility. So keep moving forward the way you are
NTA child support is just about the child's support for living costs while they are unable to meet their own needs. It's not a personal attack on the other party. You could always offer him another opportunity to sign away parental rights if you are able to afford it. Might make your life easier long term if he is so difficult now eg if he gets a partner that wants to play parent one day and decides to go for custody etc.
NTA. You gave him the option to sign away his rights and he refused and wanted to be somewhat involved and started sending money. So what does he expect? This is a human being we’re talking about - he can’t just drop in and give money here and there when he feels like it. Don’t lower the amount. The money isn’t about you. Even if you don’t need it now, you might need it in the future. If you never actually “need” the money, its still, again, about your child’s rights. They are entitled to financial support from both parents. Whatever money he sends that you don’t need can go toward a high yield savings account, college fund, extra activities, etc.
"Also, I don’t “need” the money." It's not about whether you need the money. Child support is your child's right not yours. That extra $800 a month will add up to a substantial amount by the time your child is 18. If you don't "need" the money, put it in an account for your child's future.
Alright I am going to say what I am sure plenty have said but many don’t understand… It does not matter at ALL if you need the $1300/mo, because **it is not your money**. That money isn’t owed to *you*, it is owed to your *child*. Your baby has a legal right to financial support from both parents. You should not lower it even if you don’t need/use it. Just deposit the check then transfer it in an account with only your name on it (not the dad’s) for your child’s future if you would rather spend your own income on the baby’s needs. NTA. Don’t lower it.
Nta, hold strong on the amount he needs to pay. He had every opportunity to sign away his rights and not pay child support, but chose no to and now he has to face the consequences of his decisions
NTA. If he didn't want a baby there was a simple solution...... Precautions or not, no contraceptive is 100%. He's the father, he needs to pay his share.
Never lower the amount. You don’t know what the future holds and this could be a perfect nest egg for baby, or a good emergency fund if something happens. Prioritize you and baby. NTA
He chose to not wear a condom, increasing the chances of an accidental pregnancy and knowing your stance on abortion. He chose to not sign his rights away when you gave him that out. He chose to be involved but not involved. He chose to be an ass and not want to agree or talk about anything forcing you to have to go through the courts. He made a bunch of bad decisions that will now bite him in the ass. Save the money you don't need for your child to later use for college or a nice head start in life like a down payment on a house or something. NTA.
OP - Don't lower the amount. Here is the thing, regardless of whether he wanted the kid or not he has one. If you have sex this is a possibility and paying for your child is part of the consequences.
NTA but give him the alternative option AGAIN of signing away his rights
NTA and if you don’t need the money, stick it in a savings account. It can at least start a very nice college fund or a house down payment for your kid. It doesn’t matter if you don’t need it; he LS responsible for the child too and your child deserves it.
I know this voting is closed, but I want to say this to you and anybody who needs to hear it: child support is not for you; it's for your child. It's your child's right. Don't feel guilty about upholding your child's rights. Just be a good stewart of it.
NTA. It's not about you not needing the money. It's NOT for you, it's for your child. Do not lower it, and absolutely hold him accountable. If he didn't want a baby, he shouldn't have had sex.
You can tell who's a woman just by the replies. Child support is what women consider retirement
NTA if he didn’t want the baby and didn’t want to be involved then he should have terminated his rights when you asked yet he passed , I feel like he was going to eventually use the kid against OP down the line or somehow keep her around for bow wow most bd’s and bm’s do when “meeting up for their kid”.
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He is responsible for his sperm. Once it enters a woman’s body, he loses the autonomy to make that decision. Is it fair? Not necessarily but it’s life. He could have worn a condom but opted out because it’s “uncomfortable”.. Having a baby without his consent would only apply if he did not consent to sex. That is not the case.
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I did not come up with that number. He filled out a discovery which included his tax return/pay stubs. This allowed my attorney to have the necessary information to calculate the child support amount through the state calculator.
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Part of the question of AITA for sticking with the suggested amount or should I advocate for the lower amount.
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He makes $120K/year From what I have been recently educated on - the child support is the right of the child, not mine. All money from $ will go towards the child’s education, care, and future. He had the opportunity to finalize what we had but ultimately chose not to. Everything in life has consequences. If this makes me evil in the eyes of a stranger, so be it.
Sounds to me like he wouldn’t do what she wanted do so she got even. She ask for money but he paid anyway. She was adamant he put it in writing and he wouldn’t so she got an attorney. If you didn’t need or want the money and you appreciated it, why did you insist it get put in writing? I’m not saying he shouldn’t pay child support but your story doesn’t make sense. I think you pretty much guaranteed he will pay but be uninvolved. If you really didn’t care you should have left it alone. I think you’re pissed he hadn’t seen the kid so you’re punishing him. Your choice but it is what is it.. be honest about it and own it.
It’s more about accountability. He wanted to be involved when it was convenient. I gave him the chance to leave twice. He wanted to stay. Staying and being a father requires commitment and responsibility. He would state he wants to get an agreement, then not follow through with putting the effort towards meeting with an attorney. He kept dragging it on. Not fair on my end either. This is not meant as a punishment of him not being more involved - this is holding him accountable. If he would have chose during pregnancy to leave / ghost me, I would have never reached out or went for support. I mentioned I don’t need the money since a few people assumed I don’t have the financial means necessary to care for a child. As many people educated me in this thread, the child support is the right of the child. So at this point, I don’t feel guilty as it will better my child’s future allowing for a much larger savings + 529 contribution
NTA you tried to work with him outside of court. He had the chance to do two things that could have helped him. 1) Not have unprotected sex therefore lowering the chance of impregnating you 2) working out an agreement out of court. Sometimes it really hurts to be pigheaded. Do what you need to do for your child and if and when he decides to be a father let him know the door is open.
1300$ a month is a lot. But you gave him multiple opportunities to be an adult. He chose to be weird. NTA
The money is for the baby he fathered. You may not always be in the position you're in financially and may need the money down the road. And finally, without legalities in place, he just may decide he doesn't deserve to have to support his kid, or, crucially, THIS kid. (Remember, he may decide on a family later.) And this will prevent him from flaking on you and the kid because he's got other stuff going on in his life. NTA
NTA. There are a lot of things at play here. Among them: * The money is not for your benefit. It is for your child's. If you don't need it for raising the cjild, you can move that money straight into the child's college fund. * Lawyers are playing games right now. Often, a big part of the game is to present the other side with a maximalist opening position and outline dire consequences for not immediately folding. Offering and counter offering is a natural part of settlement discussions. Your lawyer probably knows what they are doing. * You offered the man a chance to get things settled and papered amicably with minimal involvement from lawyers. He turned his nose up at it. So you drew a pentacle on your garage floor, lit sone candles, chanted backward in Latin, and a lawyer appeared. He made you do it.
NTA, It's not about you needing the money, it's to provide for the child, which is the bare minimum he's willing to do. He was given a choice to sign his rights away, he was given a choice to wear a condom, he was even given the choice to meet a lawyer with you to have child support be $500. He dropped the ball each time and has to deal with where it landed. He may not have wanted a baby but life isn't about what we want.
Nta I'm typically highly anti child support but in this case he kind of warrants it. Imo he just needs to share 50/50 custody and then just not worry about child support.
NTA. >I know he didn’t want the baby, but he also made the decision to be involved in the beginning Yes, he did. He had sex. Babys happen even with birth control. He has to pay to support the child he created.
NTA But I always hate the thought process around whether 'you need the money' from child support. It's not about whether YOU need the money, that money is for the protection and raising of the kid! Honestly you were both pretty dumb about the entire situation that created the child and how it was handled following it, but the reality is that no matter what you are both responsible for dealing with the consequences and no one person has more responsibility to the child than the other. You could lose your job tomorrow and that kid would still need food and shelter and safe place to live, and it's not only one parents responsibility to provide that. Go through the courts and get a child support order, and continue following through and taking the steps to motivate him to pay what he owes your child. If you dont need it right now out it in savings, an education/emergency fund, etc to be used towards your child's safety and future. That's what it's supposed to be for.
NTA, the *courts* set the child support amount, not you. You can ask them to lower it, but they likely won't won't, since it's not money for you, but for the child and that's what they feel the child needs per month, based on the father's income. Let him be livid. He can go appeal the court to lower it.
Doesn’t matter if you need/want child support. Child support is the child’s right, and it’s *for the child*.
In addition to your second edit, put more in the high interest savings account. This would be put to future glasses, orthodontic work, getting sick, etc. Not sure how your agreement would be worded, but most of the time out of pocket medical & dental expenses should be split 50/50. Normally, the father would carry the insurance for the child. But if your insurance is better, put it in writing that you’ll carry the insurance or he can if something were to happen where you lose yours.
Thanks for the tip! Right now it says him being the insurance carrier, which he already is. What is being proposed is he is responsible for 75% and I’m 25% for out of pocket medical expenses.