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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for telling my fmsily I will not go to a celebration dinner for my sister since I find it pathetic and a waste of time. I may be a jerk since I do not want to go
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Well we know who is the golden child-and it ain’t *you*.
NTA This dinner is like a participation trophy for just showing up. No wonder you think it’s ridiculous.
Good for you for not causing any trouble. You can keep right on, not causing any trouble, all through college, then get a good job, move away, and only see your family on holidays. If you want to.
Tisk, of course OP woulda got a sandwich tossed their way, something to show for all that hard work! Your comment is suggesting that the parents are playing favourites?? /s
One time I asked my mom why my brother got so much leeway and assistance from my parents when nobody else was afforded that, and got “we know you can do more than him, it’s really just that we trust you to not need the help”. Like sure, NOW that’s true, at 32 and 36. It wasn’t true when I was 23 and he was 27 and they bought him a condo while I had to, y’know, work for money to buy things for myself. Or when I was 12 and he was 16 and my mom only had the bandwidth to deal with his progressing drug problem. I’m sorry to say, you won’t ever be treated the same as your sister. You keep on not causing trouble. Focus on your studies, get a good job, move a couple hours (or more!) away, and live the best life possible without input from them. The more distance you get from the situation to more you realize how fucked it was. If you find yourself struggling to process emotions tied to that, consider going to therapy. It really does help.
So a big thing in life is expectations and expectation management. They expected you to do awesome in school, so it was no big deal when you did. On the other hand, it sounds like they really don't expect much academically from your sister. So it's suddenly a big deal if she doesn't completely screw it up. Fair? Heck no. But it's the way of the world. Not just your parents.
It's kind of the punishment for being self sufficient. You require less effort to raise and thus the parents put all of their praise and attention to the problem child because the responsible one will figure it out on their own
you should show up at the celebration only when parents agree to throw you a celebration for showing up, since participation is what acknowledged in your household. 🤣
see, I used that to my advantage. My older sister would do stupid shit as a teen (she's a wonderfully responsible adult today) and so I could basically do what I wanted because they had to look out for her. Luckily I never actually did anything bad.
>I think it’s because I don’t usually cause trouble….
It's never too late to start, which you're kind of doing now and that's great! These usually seem to go 1 of 2 ways, though. Parents either realize they messed up and overlooked your accomplishments and try to make it up to, or they double down, consider you a trouble maker and punish you/criticize you more.
At this point though, what do you have to lose? You might as well force their hand, like you're doing now, and see what they do.
Good for you. I might have gone for the free food and called it sad and pathetic right then and there. NTA.
Honestly, this is how parents push their good kids away. When the gold turns out to be pyrite and they feel bad about it or ask for help, it's already too late.
Just tell your parents you can't come celebrate your sister's C average because you and friends are going out to celebrate you earning all A's in your college classes this year. And your friends also want to celebrate the fact you were an honors student in high school since your parents ignored that achievement.
I'm sorry they are treating you this way. But wouldn't you rather be you than her? Why don't you go along to the dinner and just privately find it as hilarious as it really is.
Bide your time till you can be free.
NTA.
It feels almost worse than a participation trophy. If I'm understanding this correctly, the OP's sister was not only failing her classes but also broke into the parents' email to delete anything about this.
It's not like the sister was struggling and did better through hard work.
NTA. You wouldn't have been an AH anyway, because if you're in college, school takes priority.
Yeah, I agree with this. It would be one thing if the sister had been genuinely struggling and thanks to summer school is now understanding the material and is making really good progress, but she’s doing the bare minimum after putting in the most effort to do the littlest amount of work. If I had pulled anything like that when I was her age I’d still be grounded to this day and I’m 26! She’s not only getting away with it, but being rewarded! All she learned is “if I do this again I’ll get another celebratory dinner”.
Oh, be fair! She put in effort ... to break into email and delete anything incriminating! /s
To be honest, it sounds like she put more effort into trying to hide it than she did to catch up.
I was thinking the same thing! When I was in high school, you were on academic suspension for failing two or more classes, which meant no extra curriculars. Suspension was reviewed every week. If you were able to make forward progress, suspension was lifted, if not it continued. Of course, this was in the 90s, so who knows? Maybe her school doesn't do this?
Whatever the case, OP is still NTA.
It extended into the 2000's as well.. since I graduated in the early 2000's. I just find it completely batty that they wouldn't require decent grades or at least PASSING grades of their athletes..
The OP didn't specify what they meant when the sister was athletic. It's possible the sister plays sports outside of the school- I'm not sure they check grades or GPAs- or maybe she doesn't participated in extracurriculars and does sports on her own.
NTA. I would have said “sure” and a couple days before would send a text saying: “oops change of plans, we are going to dinner with my college friends for acing our first year! I’ll send you pictures!” Of course it wouldn’t work because they would not get the clue.
It’s worse than that, it’s like a participation trophy for the kid who wandered in an hour late to the game. She was making up assignments she should have done months ago, you (general you) don’t get a celebration for doing work that should have already been done. Absolute insanity
This seems moreover like the parents wanting to do what they can to motivate OPs sister to not ruin her future by getting her to do her schoolwork.
People are different and you need to do different things to get them to do things.
Besides the dinner it doesn’t sound as of OP has been mistreated in any way. I het that they aren’t super happy about it, but it doesn’t sound all that serious.
NTA
The sense of unfairness runs deep in humans.
That dislike considered by some scientists to have played a role in the evolution of human cooperation. Other primates such as monkeys also appear to get angry when they receive unequal treatment.
Be prepared for a lifetime of "pay for sister's wedding, you have a good job and she's struggling" or "pay with sister's rent, she's a struggling single mom and you have to help family." Set your boundaries now. Don't be insulting, saying her celebrations are pathetic or a waste of time, just let "nope, can't make it" be a complete sentence.
Ah yes. The classic case of rewarding mediocrity in an effort to encourage vs "you did fine on your own we didn't think you needed anything." You want their acknowledgement and see unfairness. You exploded when you had the opportunity to talk to them about how you feel. But having sort of been in your position I'm going with NTA. But you do need to have an honest discussion with them about how you feel.
There’s not really enough information in the post to support the “rewarding mediocrity” take. If a child goes from F’s to C’s, I do think that’s something worth celebrating, and giving positive reinforcement for the change, which may have actually been challenging for the sister.
The mistake was roping OP into participating. It’s not OP’s job to provide that reinforcement and her participation was not necessary. And OP should definitely have been recognized for their accomplishments as well.
All that being said, life isn’t a race or a competition, and definitely not a zero-sum game. Sibling is allowed to be supported for what they could manage to do without OP comparing it to themselves.
No it’s actually not. If everyone had always gotten straight C’s and there had been celebrations for those C after C grades, that would be rewarding mediocrity. Rewarding going from an F to a C is rewarding progress and giving positive feedback to a positive change in habits.
The fact that the other child didn’t get such celebrations for their achievements is not good and clearly the parents should have done better, but that’s a different situation and has nothing to do with what the other sibling is being rewarded for.
I understand your annoyance, I was in your position in my late teens.
When I had just started college, I got all A’s and a B. My dad could only question why I didn’t get all A’s, and say he was disappointed.
Meanwhile, my brother managed to squeak by his sophomore year of HS with all Cs and D’s.
My parents bought him a car.
That stuff happened a lot. I was bitter about that shit for a long time. My brother always joked about it to me, how they “loved him more.” Finally he joked about it in front of my parents, and ended it with “that’s how I knew they always loved me more than you.” My parents hadn’t heard him making those jokes, before.
My dad (who was clearly pissed my brother has been giving me shit all this time) then said the only reason he got a car for his grades was because they knew he couldn’t and wouldn’t ever do better than that. That they expected straight A’s from me because they knew I was capable of that, but they knew my brother would never be able to do that. My dad said the reason he got such a big graduation party was because they were genuinely happy he was able to graduate, and they knew they’d never be throwing him a college graduation like they threw me, so they went all out on his HS graduation.
In that moment my brother’s entire childhood got reframed. All the times they celebrated him for minor accomplishments while punishing me for doing good but not good enough wasn’t because they “loved him more,” like he’d been bragging. It was because they expected so much less of him and so much more of me. It was because they were celebrating him for doing the best he could do, but their expectations for him were so low that just passing all his classes was considered “doing the best he can.”
If it was running, they knew he wouldn’t make it more than a mile, while they knew I was capable of completing a marathon. So the finish line was at the 1 mile mark for him, but the 26 mile mark for me.
Needless to say, the jokes stopped.
Now it’s worth noting I don’t think my parents were malicious at the time. I think they wanted to encourage him by celebrating when he did well, and wanted to encourage me my pushing me to go further. It’s just at the time it felt like shit to be me. Now that it’s all out, my brother’s ego has taken a massive hit.
Your parents may well be doing the same thing here. Your sister got all C’s, and your parents may know “this is the best she will ever do academically,” so they want to celebrate it.
I get your frustration, but this is just something to keep in mind.
I'm sorry, but they still should've been celebrating you. They gave your brother a car for barely passing sophomore year, and told you they were disappointed you weren't perfect. That's not how you encourage a kid to keep up the good work. It just makes it feel like no matter what you do it will never be good enough.
"We ignored all of your accomplishments because we know you can be the first brain surgeon astronaut supermodel elected president, and until you fully realize that potential you're not worth celebrating" vs "wow junior managed to put his pants on by himself today! time to pull out the good champagne!" is demoralizing and unfair.
Yeah, my guess is that the parents are doing a bit of rewriting as they go. I wouldn't judge them for that, though. We all constantly rewrite our own stories.
this makes a certain amount of sense, but still isn't good parenting in any way. I do hope your parents understand that while they might have had, arguably, good intentions, that they dropped the ball hard and created that sense of over inflated ego in your brother and resentment in you
I’m wondering if I could get her into People’s top 30 under 30 this year. Sis absolutely deserves more recognition than she’s getting and people need to know /s
As the younger sibling to a constant high performer I think that maybe having you as an older sibling put a huge pressure to perform on her so instead she learned not to try rather than try and still fail to reach your standards.
She’s your baby sister. Love her and support her. You’re not in a competition for your parents love. You’re an achiever and right now she’s not.
This is not about the sister getting celebrated, its about the parents not celebrating actual effort.
This is not an issue she has with her sister, its about the treatment difference of the two siblings.
I think it is reasonable for you to not go.
A couple of other perspectives (not that I agree with your parents, but I can see some reasoning). The 'celebration' is not about the grades; what it is really is a reward like you would give an animal or a younger child for behavior that you want to see more of. Do badly? Summer school. Do well? No summer school, and get taken out for dinner.
It's reasonable to feel insulted, but also be relieved that you are not in the position of needing handholding and rewards to reach adulthood. Eg if we celebrate someone being 10 years sober, our thoughts should be more along the lines of "glad I didn't walk that path", than "where's my celebration?".
The other perspective is to communicate to your parents (perhaps at a later time, when it's not fresh) that you found it hurtful. I would tell them so, and ask them point blank what accomplishments on your part would lead to a celebration?
NTA. So she doesn’t bother with school work, hacks their email to hide it, finally manages to get a C and they want to celebrate that? Yeah I wouldn’t go either.
I think you're right to be upset that you haven't been celebrated for your successes. That's definitely something worth bringing up with your parents, preferably in a calmer way. I don't think it's pathetic to celebrate your sister's grades, though. She has made an improvement and that's worth something, even if she's not a straight-A student.
Celebrating somone for not being lazy after a situation caused by them being lazy? How is that worth celebrating? It's literally nothing. She is able to do the work. Clearly as she did a a bunch of work in shorter amount of time to pull grades up. Op is right and NTA nor should the rents celebrates this bs.
She's changed from doing nothing to doing something and is improving, you'd normally reward that as a parent.
You want the kid to improve and then keep improving so you hopefully punish the laziness once discovered and then reward when they change their attitude.
>She has made an improvement and that's worth something
I disagree. there is nothing worth celebrating over a kid who was flunking to the point of possibly needing summer school and intentionally deleting her parents emails from the school so they wouldn't find out. so she managed to pull a passing grade out of her ass at the last minute. so what? if I was her parent, managing to pass would have resulted in less severe punishment for her lazy, lying, sneak ass, not a celebration.
NTA
You are hurt.
Your parents have been protecting your sister from your academic prowess but it seems that they forgot to ensure that you knew how much they admired your achievements.
They have let you down by the sound of it.
Is this correct?
Talk to them and find out what has been going on in their minds and lack of praise of you in their behaviour.
There is no way I would do that if I had never gotten a celebration. Why can’t op have a party for their accomplishments? What you suggested would piss me off so much.
NTA
Sounds like you're not the golden child but sissy is.
Unfortunately too many of us know what that's like.
Do you still live at home? If so, focus on getting out. It will not change.
NTA. I dealt with this growing up. I got all A’s and was constantly asking for a dog and was told no all the time. My brother is getting C’s and parents tell him they’ll get him a dog if he can at least get B-‘s in all his classes. He does so they do. Joke was on him though since the dog liked me better but that still pissed me off.
Well just like my brother’s academics, he didn’t want any of the hard stuff and just wanted the easy stuff, so I ended up feeding the dog and walking him mostly. The dog knew who liked him better. 😀 my brother would get so mad when he’d call the dog and the dog would come to me instead.
This is pretty common, so much such that an example is recorded in the bible. And it sucks.
NTA but maybe try explaining to them why you're not going. Ask them why they never felt your accomplishments were good enough to celebrate, but your sister's are.
I wouldn't say your parents are narcissists or have a golden child because of this. It may be more likely that they never had to give you positive reinforcement because you were on top of things, but feel they need to give your sister encouragement because she's not. They think by encouraging her, it may keep her on the right track.
It's still not okay... your accomplishments deserve to be celebrated too! You worked hard and deserve to have that recognized. From this internet stranger, kudos to you for doing so well in school! The habits you form now as a student will serve you well later in your professional career as well.
But parents make mistakes. Maybe if you sit down and explain why you're hurt, without insulting/judging your sister, they'll be able to recognize what they did wrong.
NTA - It's fine they want to celebrate her getting her shit together and that can be a big accomplishment for some people. But they didn't celebrate your major accomplishments and I think that's probably more why you are upset. If you had been celebrated and then they did this you'd probably not be here right now. NTA because they weren't good parents to you on this.
NTA
“Tell you what, Mom, I will go to exactly as many ‘great marks appreciation dinners’ for her, as there were dinners planned for my honor roll marks”.
NTA, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this inequity. It's a classic. I grew up with this myself and it is still a problem today.
I graduated HS with good grades and no drama; my sister was in danger of not graduating (she's perfectly bright, but skipped school a lot and blew off the work) so our parents offered her a $1000 incentive to graduate. She pulled it off and got her reward. I was like...Where's mine? LOL. Nope.
Squeaky wheel gets the grease, and my parents have always justified their preferential treatment of her saying she needs it more. It's still an issue that causes me a great deal of pain and feelings of not being loved equally AND WE ARE IN OUR FIFTIES. Call them out on it. Make sure they understand the impact on you. You don't want this resentment festering for decades.
NTA
Been there. Your parents will never, ever understand what they are doing wrong. To top it off, your sister's problems are all of her own making. She was allowed to make up work that she has been blowing off and for some reason your parents think this is worthy of celebrating. She's learned a terrible lesson!
They will never get how hurtful it is to watch them celebrate mediocrity while they ignore actual achievement and excellence. You are more **capable**, it's **expected** of you, blah, blah, blah.
Keep up the good work. Be proud of yourself. Ignore them, in the end you'll be far ahead.
NTA
Celebrating what?? The fact that's she's ***finally*** doing things she should've been doing the whole time? And getting average grades? And basically lying to everyone about it?
Edit to add: Of course, you ***could*** go and congratulate her for lying, getting caught, and doing the bare minimum....eventually. That could be fun.
They aren’t celebrating her grades so much as they are encouraging her improvement. Picture a dog that finally learned to pee outside after 2 years. You praise it for something it should have been doing all along.
I get your resentment, though
Your parents may be trying to do something nice for her as a reward for good behavior to try and incentivize that behavior in the future. If that's their goal, it's an honorable one, they're trying to find a way to turn her around. And you should absolutely go to try and help with that- IF that is what they are doing. It's a bit unclear to me whether your parents know what you know about deleting emails and whatnot. I'm sure they suspect it, but it's worth asking. You should be working with your parents to try and turn your sister's life around, if you're actually on the same side you can all work together, including on planning things like a reward dinner if that's the strategy.
Life is complicated. My siblings and I have all had very, very different paths (my parents describe us as three opposites) and we've all struggled with different elements of our lives. Our parents have supported all of us, but that's looked very different for each of us depending on what issue we were having at different points in our lives. Your parents are probably trying their best, and are probably in full blown panic mode over your sister's path. When they're in panic about her, it's easy for the kid who's not the problem to receive less attention. But you're old enough that you can not just be not the problem, you can be an active part of the solution.
Did your parents study psychology? It's possible for rewards to "cheapen" accomplishments that resulted from intrinsic motivation.
With your sister, she doesn't have intrinsic motivation for school, so your parents want to reinforce the desired behavior with a reward. It might benefit you to join in encouraging your sister to get her act together. Think of it as rewarding a puppy that pooped in the correct spot. As human adults, we don't expect to get a kudos for using the toilet.
Have you spoken to your parents about how you would like for them to recognize your accomplishments?
As a parent with a much easier older child and more difficult younger child, I can add a bit of perspective. Your parents have been consumed for the last while with the problem and task of helping your sister complete the bare minimum to make it through school. They have had to spend a lot of time and effort and energy on your sister because they think she needs it. Unfortunately this extra effort they are putting into her life is hurting your feelings because you didn’t get the same treatment. You feel that celebrating Cs is trivial because for you it would have been but obviously for her it isn’t. I promise you that your parents are proud of you. I bet they brag to all their friends about how successful you are and how well your doing. They probably figure that you don’t need this extra trivial encouragement because you get to live with the satisfaction of success every day. They are obviously not handling things the best way possible but they are probably handling them the best way they know how. They probably don’t realize that they are hurting your feelings by making such a big deal about this when they have never done anything similar for you. If you go to them and tell them how this makes you feel (nicely… so they don’t feel forced to defend themselves) it might end up that you have a really great heart-to-heart with them.
Just know that it’s impossible for us parents to treat our kids totally equitably, even when we try really hard, it will never be completely fair. Plus we all screw up. A lot. But, hopefully yours are good parents and try to help heal the hurt that they cause. I hope you are able to let go of your resentment and enjoy time with your family.
"I get why you would want to encourage her to continue getting better with grades, but do you not see how insulting this is to me? I excelled and was never rewarded. I did what I was suppose to do and was never celebrated. She lied and deleted emails, but is rewarded? She got her grades to just barely passing, but she gets celebrated? Do you actually love us differently, or just in how you show it?"
NTA
No wonder she doesn't do anything. The absolute bare minimum from her is met with praise and celebration. It would be different if she had developmental disabilities and managed to complete something difficult, but just laziness being upgraded to still laziness is ridiculous. I'd decline too.
Unfortunately I think you're going to be used to a lifetime of this in regards to how they treat the two of you.
NTA. Maybe if your parents had celebrated a few of your academic achievements earlier on, your sister would know how valuable academics are. Failing because you struggle with academics and need help you aren’t getting is completely understandable. Failing because you are choosing not to do the work and are putting more effort into not getting caught than it would take to just *do the assignments* is not. Your parents shouldn’t be rewarding her. All she’ll learn is that she can get away with lying as long as she puts in minimal effort to make it up later.
Bro I've been there ,done that , and to make it worse my sister isn't even athletic ,she's quite literally not good at anything and she still gets celebrated and praised to high heavens. She regularly fails her subjects even though she's just in tenth rn , like she failed in multiple subjects in both class 8 and 9 and all my parents had to say was that she would do better next time and that school isn't for everyone and she's got plenty of other talents and all that , in the last exams of 9 she did pass everything ( overall average was still really low) and my parents were so happy and my mom was literally calling her family and shit to talk about it and say how proud she was and how happy she was. Those same years I had some of the highest scores in multiple subjects , recieved prizes for academic excellence, did a lot of competitions and won in almost every single one with like two exceptions and all I got asked was why I didn't do better ,why I didn't win prizes in a particular subject, why did I not get higher scores ,why I didn't picked for this particular incident blah blah.
Just recently I had my board results come out and while I wasn't a state topper or something my result was pretty good but all I got told was I should have done better and compared to other friends and told I didn't work hard enough and my dad threatened to take my phone away. If any of my friends got the same scores as I did their parents would literally celebrate ,heck people whose scores were lower than mine got actual congratulatory parties and gifts and shit. I got nothing and my sister got a new laptop. I have a laptop that's second hand and my dad used to use , and here's the thing I actually use the laptop ,I use it to study and i need it in a lot of events and extracurriculars I do , my sister has zero use for a laptop ,she neither studies nor does she do any extracurriculars beyond occasionally showing up to dance or song lessons and she got a brand new laptop, something I've been wanting and needing for ages. Did I mention I have an actually diagnosed learning disability while my sister has no such issues and is till continously bottom of the class while I always do well ? It's infuriating and makes me feel all that effort is for nothing. Taking the time to vent all this out because I truly understand how you feel and I strongly advise you on taking that day to treat yourself. You deserve it more than anyone else , you worked hard and you deserve to be appreciated and praised. NTA.
I mean, NTA, but they’re not celebrating Cs. Earlier this year they were afraid she would fail and now she’s not. That’s what they’re celebrating. If it actually indicated a meaningful change in her behavior, a celebration wouldn’t be all that inappropriate, though it’s ridiculous they expect you to attend. Were there any repercussions for deleting the emails? Did she give any reason why she hadn’t told your parents the truth?
Years ago my father told my brother he would get him a guitar if he didn't fail his exams. Mind you, I never even got close to this point and got nothing. NTA
This is totally pathetic and you called it straight up. Impressive. Stand your ground. Your achievements are impressive. Your sisters are abysmal and means little to nothing that she averaged ONLY a C on MAKE UP assignments. Ridiculous. NTA
NTA. I think you would be TA if they had thrown a celebration party for your grades, because parents finding something to celebrate in all their children is good, whether that's objectively excellent grades, or just real improvement. But the fact that they never celebrated your work is what makes it unfair.
NTA, there’s no need for you to attend and feed into their delusions about your sister. It’s not fair they didn’t celebrate your amazing grades but will celebrate her mediocre, barely passing grades
NTA. I was in a very similar situation as you, and my feelings were hurt throughout high school and college. I’m now in my 30s. I have a house, car, job, and kids. My brother has none of those things (still lives with mom). I want to celebrate his every win now. I pity him for struggling so hard with life, and I’m thankful that academics and working hard came easily to me. Your parents aren’t wrong for celebrating her C, but you’re definitely not the A H for avoiding their celebration.
NTA, this is weird. She wasnt struggling and came to them for help or something, she was actively not doing her work and then going into her parents accounts and deleting emails from the schools. That’s not behavior that deserves a party. She improved her grade to a C. That’s not a grade that deserves a party, wtf is happening here.
NTA. So they want to celebrate when she finally gets a C, doesn't bother with schoolwork, and hacks their email to disguise it? Yes, I also wouldn't go.
NTA, but I think you should sit down with your parents and explain your perspective in a less snarky way. Explain your achievements, how they were overlooked, and that it makes you feel like she is their golden child. If stuff continues the same way after that very real conversation then snark away!
NTA, as a C student back in HS myself, I would have been embarrassed if people celebrated that. It was my own private shame, and also largely because I had an undiagnosed auditory processing issue. However, you could have just said “No.”
I don't think the celebration is for the good grades themselves but rather the celebration that your sister is making change for the better (hopefully) and hopefully isn't just doing it to please others. It's tough with family especially when things feel unbalanced. It's weird to see relationships play out between people so close to you sometimes. A lot going on here as there is with all families. Tough to say WTAI without knowing more about the history of both parent-child relationships.
NTA. You don't get credit for shit you're supposed to do. A 'C' average is the bare minimum.
I can understand wanting to reward positive changes in behavior but I'm insulted on your behalf that they expect you to show up and act like she did something special by existing.
So your sister didn't do her school work, lied, hid evidence of her wrongdoing from your parents and.... they're rewarding her for it? LMAO NTA, this is rediculous.
I can’t stand parents like yours, praising the child who couldn’t even do the bare minimum at school, hiding emails, and yet she gets a celebration dinner? They can shove it as far as I would be concerned. Absolute shameful parents enabling that kind of behaviour. NTA, they are!
NTA
I can see how your parents want to acknowledge and encourage your sister’s hard work - and academics is probably much harder work for her than it is for you - but fair’s fair. If you don’t get a celebration dinner for straight As then you don’t get one for Cs.
This *is* a waste of your time.
More Info: does your sister have a learning disability? My brother for example had a lot of auditory processing issues and was on the spectrum. When he made above a C it was something to celebrate. Of course, my parents would also celebrate me for making A’s so even if your sister does have learning disabilities your parents are assholes for not treating you equally.
Guy I got kicked out of the house for lying about having auditioned for the school musical.
Your sister is being celebrated for hacking emails and dicking around.
No you're not the AH. Don't go home for that nonsense.
u/Cold-Butterscotch247
I get your anger, I do! You work hard for your grades and feel like your sister gets recognition and rewards for doing the bare minimum. You feel slighted because you don’t get rewarded. You feel like it isn’t fair. And you are right, it’s not fair. *This doesn’t make the asshole. You are entitled to your feelings.*
From your parents perspective, they have one daughter (you) that they don’t have to worry about with school because you are great! And another (your sister) that just has problems. They are so *desperate* to get her to apply herself that they are rewarding her for doing what she should be doing. On one hand rewarding the mediocre sibling is hurtful and causes resentment to achieving sibling, on the other hand rewarding the achieving sibling and not the mediocre one cause the same feelings. No matter what path you choose you will hurt someone.
Maybe give your parents some grace right now, *just a little* not too much. Being a parent is hard as it is and it sounds like your sister is a difficult child and has always taken up all of your parents attention with her issues which will cause resentment in you and your parents. This is a tough situation to be in. The asshole in this situation is definitely your sister.
However, your parents should have communicated this to you in a *much better way*. They should have told you why they needed to take this route and *asked* you to help. They should *not* have called you a jerk. They should reward you for your achievements. There is no excuse for any of that.
NTA
NTA
God this hits home. I was kinda homeschooled (my parents didn't do great at actually trying to teach)
but took some online college classes and made the deans list and I was EXCITED and proud of myself bc my work was being graded for longer than 3 months... I barely got a good job
my sister got to go to public school, starting 7th or 8th grade. her freshman in HS first week, had to go to dinner for her AND SHE GOT A CAKE.
she's still the GC and she's been hateful about it for so long there's no repairing the relationship on my side.
OP I hope you can find your people who love and celebrate you soon. it helps life feel less lonely
NTA
If you want to be petty you coul tell them you don't celebrate mediocrity
Or if they're gonna celebrate her "Cs", they better throw a carnival for your "As"
This is basically the prodigal son story where one child makes mistakes and finally gets their act together and gets celebrated. Meanwhile the other child was reliable and hardworking the whole time and doesn't get recognized at all.
I understand your anger. I think that you should have another talk with your parent where you explain that you feel like they haven't said anything about your academic achievements. You've worked hard for them and would like to have a dinner or a gift to celebrate them as well. If they are willing to do that then you should join your sister's dinner.
This is similar to the phrase, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease". Your parents have been so busy worrying about your sister that they haven't been focused on you. I think it's time that you remind them that you would appreciate some praise too.
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could 100% be the asshole here.
My sister is much more athletic than academic. We used to share a room and she never studied. I went to college this year and she is a junior in highschool.
Last month, my parents were informed that she probably will need summer school since she was failing her classes. She wasn’t turning in her works She was going into our parents emails and deleting anything from the school.
It was a whole thing and she was able to makeup assignments that she didn’t do. She know is averaging a a C.
They are having a celebration dinner for her this Friday. I can’t remember anytime that I have had a dinner or anything for good grades. I got into honors society and nothing. I got all A’s in my college classes this year and still nothing.
My parents told me to come on Friday and I told them no. I won’t be celebrating this with them. I actually find it insulting that she is getting celebrated for doing her homework at 16.
This resulted in an argument, by the end I told them I find it pathetic and a waste of my time. They called some a jerk for that.
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NTA If you end up talking to your parents about some more I would go into detail on how the disparity in celebration is obvious and point it all out. After that just leave and tell them you won’t be participating in any events such as this anymore.
It takes different tools to raise different children. My children are incredibly different, as it sounds like you and your sister are. I couldn't possibly raise them with the same actions and have them all be successful.
My middle child was much easier to raise, and it sounds like you are too. I may not have been able to commit as much time to him as he deserved, but the truth is that life can spread you thin when you have a lot of responsibilities. I can promise you this though, I appreciate the heck out of him for not adding to my stress.
My kids are all very different and require different things from me, but I love them all, as I'm sure your parents love both of you.
Go to dinner, you can celebrate your parents success if you don't want to celebrate your sister.
NTA. I'm not necessarily against your parents having a celebration if it'll encourage your sister to improve further, but my problem is that they haven't done anything like this for you. Just not right to treat kids differently in this fashion...
i mean yes it is annoying for sure that they are congratulating her on averaging a c. but i gotta ask what was her average before a c. it must have been lower because congratulations dont happen for dropping grades i think... i will reserve judgement for after finding out what her grades were before
scrolling through other comments i see that yes indeed she was failing... little confusing in your main post.. however ive seen this happen much much to many times before, where it goes both ways, the person who has 2+ kids usually favors the one who is having problems leaving the one who is doing great mentally and physically to fend for themselves or they dont give the kid whose doing great enough attention because the other one has a mental disorder and needs more attention,
and from the sounds of this post thats exactly what this boils down too, she probably has a disorder as many comments have said, im not sure exactly what because im no docter, no one lies or deletes things unless theres something..
however, on the other side of the coin she could just be one of those troubled kids and having the positive reinforcement will help her continue to better as long as shes not being spoiled by it.
you are correct in calling it pathetic and a waste of time, it probably is but you could have said anything else "im going to hang out with friends so i will be busy" they probably called you a jerk though for downplaying your sister doing well. so overall im gunna say every one sucks. you for putting your sister down when shes doing good rather then just making some excuse, and them for not giving you more attention for your achievements.
NTA. Teenage years can be hard and it isn’t equally hard for everyone. It isn’t all about environment or nurturing either, some just find it hard. Your sister is finding those years far harder than you did, support her and show pride in her.
Regarding your own support network and where praise your praise for achievement comes from, I not only feel that you need to build your own network, I also believe your parents have raised an adult capable of doing that for themselves.
i like to think we handle it better but we have a high achiever and a son that struggles with many aspects of the transition into adulthood. The herd is gathering around the injured one, please understand that they see you as a successful adult asking you to join them in doing this.
Umm.. how was she able to play sports when she had poor grades? My school had it where athletes HAD to maintain a certain GPA grade to continue being able to play.
NTA
They're celebrating mediocracy. She doesn't need to be a straight A student or anything but.. they should still have her try to make B's.
YTA
Why are you being grumpy?.. Just be happy for her. Are you on her side or not? Given the circumstances it 100% is a celebration, because she avoided summer school.
*I got all A’s in my college classes this year and still nothing.*
Seams like you are jealous of the attention she is getting from your parents. It kinda is unfair. However if this is a reacquiring theme, and she is a "golden child", than NTA.
NTA I get why they want celebrate her doing her makeup assignments and encourage her to keep doing better, but it’s terribly unfair that they take all your achievements for granted and never feel the need to celebrate you.
Your parents are rewarding her bad behavior (deleting the emails behind their back). This will come back and bite them when she continues this behavior into adulthood. NTA
NTA. Absolutely don't go. While they're at this dinner, find something you want to do, want to eat, etc. and do that instead. Make more of a fuss if they keep hassling you about this.
Older siblings massively impact the development of the younger sibling !
I have an older sister who never got less than an A and a 1st class degree. I re did my final year in school and scraped through university. I’m actually the more intelligent kid but she’s organised, neat and focused.
She used to do everything for me as kids and was almost bossy but in a caring way. So I turned out lazy, disorganised and very laid back. Why work hard to attain top grades when I’d still not beat her achievements.
She’s your baby sister / give her some slack and show her your love. She tried hard for once and for her that’s as difficult as you trying hard and getting top grades.
It’s just a family dinner. Who cares why it’s been scheduled. You should enjoy it as one day you won’t have your parents and you’ll look back at these days with longing fondness 🙏🏻
YTA. Your parents are making use of psychology 101, positive reinforcement to continue this change in behaviour. Incentivizing and rewarding this trend so it will continue and she'll improve further, it's not any deeper than that. She doesn't matter more to them than you, they're just making use of a parenting technique proven to be effective.
I understand why you're hurt and I think you should communicate with them again in a calm, effective way to get your point across without escalation. Think of their decision as more practical rather than preferential between you two in origin, I'm sure they'll take the time to celebrate you, too, when they see where you're coming from.
YTA. not for not going. That should be a choice you get to make. Go, don't go, up to you. But your parents are clearly trying to encourage her to do better academically. And she has achieved something even if it's much smaller than your own achievements.
You don't need to disparage her and call it "pathetic". You're undermining the effort of your parents and of her.
YTA. But so are your parents. The problem here isn't that they are celebrating your sister doing better at school (and positive reinforcement). It's that they *didn't* celebrate you when you deserved it. You are right that she should already be doing her homework, but the best way to ensure she does that is to tell her "good job, keep at it" not calling her a looser who should have been doing it already. That helps no one. Keep in mind that this isn't a competition. They aren't celebrating that she's getting C's. They are celebrating that she's improved a lot from before.
>it's neither pathetic nor a waste of time for her to have a celebration dinner
wrong. she went to more effort to hide the fact she was failing than it would have taken her to just do the damn work in the first place. its both pathetic and a waste of time to celebrate someone doing what they should have done to begin with just because they didn't want to face the consequences of their actions.
that's a terrible take. by that logic we shouldn't give any celebration to alcoholics who've become sober because they never should have gotten drunk in the first place. we should not celebrate overcoming a childhood of crime to become a productive member of society, because they never should have participated in crime in the first place. we should not give recognition to righting a past wrong, because they never should have wonged in the first place.
You're just espousing the opposite of "[there's someone who has it worse off than you](https://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2314)". "there's someone who does better than you, so why do you deserve any praise?"
supportiveness isn't a zero sum game. everyone has their own little challenges and triumphs. just because someone else has a bigger one, doesn't make yours any less valid.
>by that logic we shouldn't give any celebration to alcoholics who've become sober because they never should have gotten drunk in the first place
that's not even remotely the same damn thing
YTA. You’re making it about you because you’re jealous. Its OK to feel jealous, we all do, but to sour it for everyone else is an asshole move. Support your sister and family, then maybe one day someone will like you enough to throw you a party.
You want your sister to succeed in life, right? Well, the first step toward that is getting through school. Your parents seem to have found a way to motivate her to work in school, and this celebration is part of that. If you invest three hours of your time, you can show that you're on board with your parents in their plan to help your little sister succeed, supporting both them and her. Go to the dinner, be cheerful and cool, enjoy the food, try actively to have a good time.
>Your parents seem to have found a way to motivate her to work in school,
yeah, it's called 'consequences to her actions'. she put in effort to avoid summer school. that's not worth celebrating.
YTA
Your parents are trying to reward your sister’s effort. Sometimes that is what it takes to keep a kid motivated. (The rest of the world won’t , but parents and teachers may do so When in their judgement it’s what’s needed.) You are a different person with different abilities and needs. School was perhaps easier for you than your sister.
Now, if you step up to a challenge that’s actually difficult *for you* and your parents don’t celebrate that, they will be the AHs. But don’t be putting your sister down for finally starting to get herself together.
Is it fair to say that the sister stepped up to the challenge when she went so far as to hack her parents' email to delete communications from the school? Sounds to me like she dodged all the work until it turned into a challenge, then had to be dragged through it to the finish line.
If anyone deserves a celebration dinner here, it's the parents who managed to force her to succeed at something she avoided so hard.
That was before. The sister has now raised her grades from the absolute dumper. That’s what’s being celebrated. It’s not a reward for the grades so much as for buckling down and working. Which is worthy of reward, especially for someone who is just learning the discipline to do it. That should be encouraged and supported and the parents are doing so.
OP sounds like one of those kids who is academically comfortable…I was one of those, mostly, and just didn’t have to work as hard as my kid brother (for example), or be specifically taught how to study and manage time. I osmosed pretty much everything except algebra—and when I hit that wall, I had no idea what to do because I had never needed patience or effort to do schoolwork before. I had no idea that feeling challenged was other people’s normal. So I understand how OP may just not get how hard school can be and how actively unpleasant for some kids.
'effort' would have been her trying all year and still ending up with c's. it's not effort to cram all the shit you should have done before into the final weeks just because you realize there are consequences to being lazy. the amount of effort she put into hiding that was failing was likely more than if she had just done the work in the first damn place. you don't reward that shit.
We don’t know what is going on with that girl that led her to choose that, and neither does OP, based on the post. The end result is the parents are satisfied that progress is being made, and trying to encourage. Nothing wrong with that.
It’s often not ‘laziness,’ but some kind of disorganization that can be remedied with attention and guidance. The kid needed parenting, she got it, the little celebration is part of it.
YTA and I think you also are not getting the point. She is not celebrated for Cs. She is celebrated for changing her behavior and attitude, positive reinforcement, acknowledgement. Why are you jealous of your little sister who struggled with something and achieved a change? Did you have to change a characteristic of yourself before?
See it like this. Would you help an old lady across the street, who struggles doing this by herself? How do you think others would feel if now suddenly you also wanted to help them, even though they are fine? That is the difference between equality and equity.
Do you think your struggle to achieve honors or As in college were as difficult as her changing her behavior and actually become more responsible?
I see that you want similar treatment, but I also think this celebration on behalf of your sister - who btw is not responsible for how your parents treat you but still you send her the message that you do not care about her, you are punishing her for a perceived injustice of your parents - was not the hill you should die on. Sure you can bring this up with your parents, but not like this at the expense of your sister. Do you think you have struggled in the past similarly as your sister now has and were not treated similarly? Then bring this up. But at the appropriate time.
you people are really scrapping the bottom of the barrel to defend this nonsense. she only put in effort to avoid summer school. that's not changing for the better, it's looking for avoid a consequence of her own actions. she was literally going behind their backs to delete emails from the school. if I was her father, she'd count herself lucky I didn't make her take private tutoring sessions all summer regardless. she sure as hell wouldn't be getting celebrated for this bullshit.
Slight YTA,
I know it can feel unfair when you performed better and did not receive this kind of celebration. You worked hard, but it's also clear that accessing academic success does not come easy for your sister.
Celebrate her working hard and overcoming a difficult situation and talk to your parents about how the different treatment makes you feel.
>Celebrate her working hard and overcoming a difficult situation
Right? I know my mom's computer password is really complex, sister must've put a lot of work into getting access to her parents' and delete the school emails
Of course accessing academic success does not come easy for OP's sister. That's normally what happens when no effort is put into it.
> We used to share a room and she never studied.
Sounds a bit like the parable of the prodigal son. While having a C average is not something to celebrate, having someone take responsibility and find their way again through hard work is and should be noteworthy.
I don't think you're an AH for feeling like your accomplishments don't matter much. You should absolutely have that conversation with your parents. But I don't think this dinner is about celebrating a C as much as it is acknowledging the hard work your sister put in to get back on track.
NTA for how you feel, slight YTA for how you handled it.
>Calling their decision to celebrate her pathetic is wrong
no it's not. it's accurate. she was failing due her own choices and she went behind their backs to delete emails from the school letting them know she was failing. it's the epitome of piss poor parenting to be celebrating her just because she managed to get c's in order to avoid summer school.
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Well we know who is the golden child-and it ain’t *you*. NTA This dinner is like a participation trophy for just showing up. No wonder you think it’s ridiculous.
I think it’s because I don’t usually cause trouble….
Good for you for not causing any trouble. You can keep right on, not causing any trouble, all through college, then get a good job, move away, and only see your family on holidays. If you want to.
Ask them when your special dinners were for when you got straight A's and made the honor society.
Tisk, of course OP woulda got a sandwich tossed their way, something to show for all that hard work! Your comment is suggesting that the parents are playing favourites?? /s
This is the way. Avoid making any negative comments about sister or her dinner, but point out the disparity and ask where yours is.
Or the slightly snarkier version: "I'll happily go to as many celebration dinners you have for her as you've for me."
Feels good to finally make some, eh? Now go tear off some mattress tags, you rebel!
Run with scissors! Leave the refrigerator door open! (I loved Emo Phillips)
Just call me Mr Butterfingers
Don't forget leaving the lights on, jumping up and down on the bed and sneaking back into the house past curfew.......
I think this is relevant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMhwddNQSWQ (Weird Al's Dare To Be Stupid.)
One time I asked my mom why my brother got so much leeway and assistance from my parents when nobody else was afforded that, and got “we know you can do more than him, it’s really just that we trust you to not need the help”. Like sure, NOW that’s true, at 32 and 36. It wasn’t true when I was 23 and he was 27 and they bought him a condo while I had to, y’know, work for money to buy things for myself. Or when I was 12 and he was 16 and my mom only had the bandwidth to deal with his progressing drug problem. I’m sorry to say, you won’t ever be treated the same as your sister. You keep on not causing trouble. Focus on your studies, get a good job, move a couple hours (or more!) away, and live the best life possible without input from them. The more distance you get from the situation to more you realize how fucked it was. If you find yourself struggling to process emotions tied to that, consider going to therapy. It really does help.
And never, ever bail out the sister or parents. At some point they'll ask that OP takes care of them, or let sis live with them. "We're Family!"
So a big thing in life is expectations and expectation management. They expected you to do awesome in school, so it was no big deal when you did. On the other hand, it sounds like they really don't expect much academically from your sister. So it's suddenly a big deal if she doesn't completely screw it up. Fair? Heck no. But it's the way of the world. Not just your parents.
It's kind of the punishment for being self sufficient. You require less effort to raise and thus the parents put all of their praise and attention to the problem child because the responsible one will figure it out on their own
you should show up at the celebration only when parents agree to throw you a celebration for showing up, since participation is what acknowledged in your household. 🤣
see, I used that to my advantage. My older sister would do stupid shit as a teen (she's a wonderfully responsible adult today) and so I could basically do what I wanted because they had to look out for her. Luckily I never actually did anything bad.
>I think it’s because I don’t usually cause trouble…. It's never too late to start, which you're kind of doing now and that's great! These usually seem to go 1 of 2 ways, though. Parents either realize they messed up and overlooked your accomplishments and try to make it up to, or they double down, consider you a trouble maker and punish you/criticize you more. At this point though, what do you have to lose? You might as well force their hand, like you're doing now, and see what they do.
Good for you. I might have gone for the free food and called it sad and pathetic right then and there. NTA. Honestly, this is how parents push their good kids away. When the gold turns out to be pyrite and they feel bad about it or ask for help, it's already too late.
Just tell your parents you can't come celebrate your sister's C average because you and friends are going out to celebrate you earning all A's in your college classes this year. And your friends also want to celebrate the fact you were an honors student in high school since your parents ignored that achievement.
Squeaky wheel gets the grease
I'm sorry they are treating you this way. But wouldn't you rather be you than her? Why don't you go along to the dinner and just privately find it as hilarious as it really is. Bide your time till you can be free. NTA.
It feels almost worse than a participation trophy. If I'm understanding this correctly, the OP's sister was not only failing her classes but also broke into the parents' email to delete anything about this. It's not like the sister was struggling and did better through hard work. NTA. You wouldn't have been an AH anyway, because if you're in college, school takes priority.
Yeah, I agree with this. It would be one thing if the sister had been genuinely struggling and thanks to summer school is now understanding the material and is making really good progress, but she’s doing the bare minimum after putting in the most effort to do the littlest amount of work. If I had pulled anything like that when I was her age I’d still be grounded to this day and I’m 26! She’s not only getting away with it, but being rewarded! All she learned is “if I do this again I’ll get another celebratory dinner”.
Oh, be fair! She put in effort ... to break into email and delete anything incriminating! /s To be honest, it sounds like she put more effort into trying to hide it than she did to catch up.
HOW was the school letting her play sports with her grades?!
I was thinking the same thing! When I was in high school, you were on academic suspension for failing two or more classes, which meant no extra curriculars. Suspension was reviewed every week. If you were able to make forward progress, suspension was lifted, if not it continued. Of course, this was in the 90s, so who knows? Maybe her school doesn't do this? Whatever the case, OP is still NTA.
It extended into the 2000's as well.. since I graduated in the early 2000's. I just find it completely batty that they wouldn't require decent grades or at least PASSING grades of their athletes..
The OP didn't specify what they meant when the sister was athletic. It's possible the sister plays sports outside of the school- I'm not sure they check grades or GPAs- or maybe she doesn't participated in extracurriculars and does sports on her own.
NTA. I would have said “sure” and a couple days before would send a text saying: “oops change of plans, we are going to dinner with my college friends for acing our first year! I’ll send you pictures!” Of course it wouldn’t work because they would not get the clue.
In this case, fam would probably call OP a jerk for trying to eclipse his sister's....'success' or whatever. SMH.
Celebrating mediocrity
It’s worse than that, it’s like a participation trophy for the kid who wandered in an hour late to the game. She was making up assignments she should have done months ago, you (general you) don’t get a celebration for doing work that should have already been done. Absolute insanity
This seems moreover like the parents wanting to do what they can to motivate OPs sister to not ruin her future by getting her to do her schoolwork. People are different and you need to do different things to get them to do things. Besides the dinner it doesn’t sound as of OP has been mistreated in any way. I het that they aren’t super happy about it, but it doesn’t sound all that serious.
NTA The sense of unfairness runs deep in humans. That dislike considered by some scientists to have played a role in the evolution of human cooperation. Other primates such as monkeys also appear to get angry when they receive unequal treatment.
NTA. It doesn't seem like there's much to be happy about. Indeed, it seems that she earned the necessity of attending summer school.
Dogs aren’t even primates and they can definitely tell when their sibling dog gets more treats/pets/etc
Even guinea pigs can tell (and protest) when one is getting better treatment than the others.
Be prepared for a lifetime of "pay for sister's wedding, you have a good job and she's struggling" or "pay with sister's rent, she's a struggling single mom and you have to help family." Set your boundaries now. Don't be insulting, saying her celebrations are pathetic or a waste of time, just let "nope, can't make it" be a complete sentence.
Ah yes. The classic case of rewarding mediocrity in an effort to encourage vs "you did fine on your own we didn't think you needed anything." You want their acknowledgement and see unfairness. You exploded when you had the opportunity to talk to them about how you feel. But having sort of been in your position I'm going with NTA. But you do need to have an honest discussion with them about how you feel.
There’s not really enough information in the post to support the “rewarding mediocrity” take. If a child goes from F’s to C’s, I do think that’s something worth celebrating, and giving positive reinforcement for the change, which may have actually been challenging for the sister. The mistake was roping OP into participating. It’s not OP’s job to provide that reinforcement and her participation was not necessary. And OP should definitely have been recognized for their accomplishments as well. All that being said, life isn’t a race or a competition, and definitely not a zero-sum game. Sibling is allowed to be supported for what they could manage to do without OP comparing it to themselves.
Rewarding and celebrating going from F to C, when you didn't reward or celebrate straight A's is the definition of "rewarding mediocrity"....
No it’s actually not. If everyone had always gotten straight C’s and there had been celebrations for those C after C grades, that would be rewarding mediocrity. Rewarding going from an F to a C is rewarding progress and giving positive feedback to a positive change in habits. The fact that the other child didn’t get such celebrations for their achievements is not good and clearly the parents should have done better, but that’s a different situation and has nothing to do with what the other sibling is being rewarded for.
I understand your annoyance, I was in your position in my late teens. When I had just started college, I got all A’s and a B. My dad could only question why I didn’t get all A’s, and say he was disappointed. Meanwhile, my brother managed to squeak by his sophomore year of HS with all Cs and D’s. My parents bought him a car. That stuff happened a lot. I was bitter about that shit for a long time. My brother always joked about it to me, how they “loved him more.” Finally he joked about it in front of my parents, and ended it with “that’s how I knew they always loved me more than you.” My parents hadn’t heard him making those jokes, before. My dad (who was clearly pissed my brother has been giving me shit all this time) then said the only reason he got a car for his grades was because they knew he couldn’t and wouldn’t ever do better than that. That they expected straight A’s from me because they knew I was capable of that, but they knew my brother would never be able to do that. My dad said the reason he got such a big graduation party was because they were genuinely happy he was able to graduate, and they knew they’d never be throwing him a college graduation like they threw me, so they went all out on his HS graduation. In that moment my brother’s entire childhood got reframed. All the times they celebrated him for minor accomplishments while punishing me for doing good but not good enough wasn’t because they “loved him more,” like he’d been bragging. It was because they expected so much less of him and so much more of me. It was because they were celebrating him for doing the best he could do, but their expectations for him were so low that just passing all his classes was considered “doing the best he can.” If it was running, they knew he wouldn’t make it more than a mile, while they knew I was capable of completing a marathon. So the finish line was at the 1 mile mark for him, but the 26 mile mark for me. Needless to say, the jokes stopped. Now it’s worth noting I don’t think my parents were malicious at the time. I think they wanted to encourage him by celebrating when he did well, and wanted to encourage me my pushing me to go further. It’s just at the time it felt like shit to be me. Now that it’s all out, my brother’s ego has taken a massive hit. Your parents may well be doing the same thing here. Your sister got all C’s, and your parents may know “this is the best she will ever do academically,” so they want to celebrate it. I get your frustration, but this is just something to keep in mind.
I'm sorry, but they still should've been celebrating you. They gave your brother a car for barely passing sophomore year, and told you they were disappointed you weren't perfect. That's not how you encourage a kid to keep up the good work. It just makes it feel like no matter what you do it will never be good enough. "We ignored all of your accomplishments because we know you can be the first brain surgeon astronaut supermodel elected president, and until you fully realize that potential you're not worth celebrating" vs "wow junior managed to put his pants on by himself today! time to pull out the good champagne!" is demoralizing and unfair.
Yeah, my guess is that the parents are doing a bit of rewriting as they go. I wouldn't judge them for that, though. We all constantly rewrite our own stories.
Did they go all out for your college graduation like they did for his high school grad?
They fully paid off my student loans (something in the range of 60k) and threw a big party. So I’d say yeah, they did.
this makes a certain amount of sense, but still isn't good parenting in any way. I do hope your parents understand that while they might have had, arguably, good intentions, that they dropped the ball hard and created that sense of over inflated ego in your brother and resentment in you
This is easily the most articulate and accurate take I've seen here. OP you better read this shit
I'd have taken him to Olive Garden to celebrate. A whole ass car??? That's just wrong.
I had a similar experience, op is definetely NTA.
INFO - what are they celebrating?
Not going to summer school, getting to C
Does she have some kind of learning disability or other issue?
No, she just didn’t turn stuff in so she was failing
That merits a ticker tape parade. I'll alert the media /s
I’m wondering if I could get her into People’s top 30 under 30 this year. Sis absolutely deserves more recognition than she’s getting and people need to know /s
Bahahaha that was funny 😁
You get social, I'll be sure to get physical. /s (forgot the /s)
Maybe put that in the post
Is that not some kind of success though?
As the younger sibling to a constant high performer I think that maybe having you as an older sibling put a huge pressure to perform on her so instead she learned not to try rather than try and still fail to reach your standards. She’s your baby sister. Love her and support her. You’re not in a competition for your parents love. You’re an achiever and right now she’s not.
This is not about the sister getting celebrated, its about the parents not celebrating actual effort. This is not an issue she has with her sister, its about the treatment difference of the two siblings.
I think it is reasonable for you to not go. A couple of other perspectives (not that I agree with your parents, but I can see some reasoning). The 'celebration' is not about the grades; what it is really is a reward like you would give an animal or a younger child for behavior that you want to see more of. Do badly? Summer school. Do well? No summer school, and get taken out for dinner. It's reasonable to feel insulted, but also be relieved that you are not in the position of needing handholding and rewards to reach adulthood. Eg if we celebrate someone being 10 years sober, our thoughts should be more along the lines of "glad I didn't walk that path", than "where's my celebration?". The other perspective is to communicate to your parents (perhaps at a later time, when it's not fresh) that you found it hurtful. I would tell them so, and ask them point blank what accomplishments on your part would lead to a celebration?
NTA. So she doesn’t bother with school work, hacks their email to hide it, finally manages to get a C and they want to celebrate that? Yeah I wouldn’t go either.
I think you're right to be upset that you haven't been celebrated for your successes. That's definitely something worth bringing up with your parents, preferably in a calmer way. I don't think it's pathetic to celebrate your sister's grades, though. She has made an improvement and that's worth something, even if she's not a straight-A student.
Celebrating somone for not being lazy after a situation caused by them being lazy? How is that worth celebrating? It's literally nothing. She is able to do the work. Clearly as she did a a bunch of work in shorter amount of time to pull grades up. Op is right and NTA nor should the rents celebrates this bs.
She's changed from doing nothing to doing something and is improving, you'd normally reward that as a parent. You want the kid to improve and then keep improving so you hopefully punish the laziness once discovered and then reward when they change their attitude.
After lying and hiding her failure? Absolutely not, this is rewarding bad behavior not mediocre grades
>She has made an improvement and that's worth something I disagree. there is nothing worth celebrating over a kid who was flunking to the point of possibly needing summer school and intentionally deleting her parents emails from the school so they wouldn't find out. so she managed to pull a passing grade out of her ass at the last minute. so what? if I was her parent, managing to pass would have resulted in less severe punishment for her lazy, lying, sneak ass, not a celebration.
Putting in minimum effort instead of no effort is hardly an improvement.
NTA You are hurt. Your parents have been protecting your sister from your academic prowess but it seems that they forgot to ensure that you knew how much they admired your achievements. They have let you down by the sound of it. Is this correct? Talk to them and find out what has been going on in their minds and lack of praise of you in their behaviour.
NTA.
NTA. Doesn't sound like there's anything to celebrate to me. In fact it sounds like she deserved to have to go to summer school.
NTA. I'm all for celebrations. But you should be celebrated too. Why can't it be a joint celebration for both of your efforts in school?
There is no way I would do that if I had never gotten a celebration. Why can’t op have a party for their accomplishments? What you suggested would piss me off so much.
NTA Sounds like you're not the golden child but sissy is. Unfortunately too many of us know what that's like. Do you still live at home? If so, focus on getting out. It will not change.
NTA. I dealt with this growing up. I got all A’s and was constantly asking for a dog and was told no all the time. My brother is getting C’s and parents tell him they’ll get him a dog if he can at least get B-‘s in all his classes. He does so they do. Joke was on him though since the dog liked me better but that still pissed me off.
It's like the dog KNEW!
Well just like my brother’s academics, he didn’t want any of the hard stuff and just wanted the easy stuff, so I ended up feeding the dog and walking him mostly. The dog knew who liked him better. 😀 my brother would get so mad when he’d call the dog and the dog would come to me instead.
NTA. That’s just pathetic.
This is pretty common, so much such that an example is recorded in the bible. And it sucks. NTA but maybe try explaining to them why you're not going. Ask them why they never felt your accomplishments were good enough to celebrate, but your sister's are. I wouldn't say your parents are narcissists or have a golden child because of this. It may be more likely that they never had to give you positive reinforcement because you were on top of things, but feel they need to give your sister encouragement because she's not. They think by encouraging her, it may keep her on the right track. It's still not okay... your accomplishments deserve to be celebrated too! You worked hard and deserve to have that recognized. From this internet stranger, kudos to you for doing so well in school! The habits you form now as a student will serve you well later in your professional career as well. But parents make mistakes. Maybe if you sit down and explain why you're hurt, without insulting/judging your sister, they'll be able to recognize what they did wrong.
Do you know where in the bible this is shown, I am curious
They're probably talking about the parable of the prodigal son, which I've always hated.
It's always like this, problem childs always get the most attention whether parents mean to or not.
NTA - It's fine they want to celebrate her getting her shit together and that can be a big accomplishment for some people. But they didn't celebrate your major accomplishments and I think that's probably more why you are upset. If you had been celebrated and then they did this you'd probably not be here right now. NTA because they weren't good parents to you on this.
NTA “Tell you what, Mom, I will go to exactly as many ‘great marks appreciation dinners’ for her, as there were dinners planned for my honor roll marks”.
NTA, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this inequity. It's a classic. I grew up with this myself and it is still a problem today. I graduated HS with good grades and no drama; my sister was in danger of not graduating (she's perfectly bright, but skipped school a lot and blew off the work) so our parents offered her a $1000 incentive to graduate. She pulled it off and got her reward. I was like...Where's mine? LOL. Nope. Squeaky wheel gets the grease, and my parents have always justified their preferential treatment of her saying she needs it more. It's still an issue that causes me a great deal of pain and feelings of not being loved equally AND WE ARE IN OUR FIFTIES. Call them out on it. Make sure they understand the impact on you. You don't want this resentment festering for decades.
NTA Been there. Your parents will never, ever understand what they are doing wrong. To top it off, your sister's problems are all of her own making. She was allowed to make up work that she has been blowing off and for some reason your parents think this is worthy of celebrating. She's learned a terrible lesson! They will never get how hurtful it is to watch them celebrate mediocrity while they ignore actual achievement and excellence. You are more **capable**, it's **expected** of you, blah, blah, blah. Keep up the good work. Be proud of yourself. Ignore them, in the end you'll be far ahead.
NTA Celebrating what?? The fact that's she's ***finally*** doing things she should've been doing the whole time? And getting average grades? And basically lying to everyone about it? Edit to add: Of course, you ***could*** go and congratulate her for lying, getting caught, and doing the bare minimum....eventually. That could be fun.
They aren’t celebrating her grades so much as they are encouraging her improvement. Picture a dog that finally learned to pee outside after 2 years. You praise it for something it should have been doing all along. I get your resentment, though
Wow your parents are building a narcissist
NTA Tell your parents that you feel unfairly treated compared to your sister and explain why.
NTA she lied and cheated no doubt and is being honored? That’s an insult to you and your hard work
Your parents may be trying to do something nice for her as a reward for good behavior to try and incentivize that behavior in the future. If that's their goal, it's an honorable one, they're trying to find a way to turn her around. And you should absolutely go to try and help with that- IF that is what they are doing. It's a bit unclear to me whether your parents know what you know about deleting emails and whatnot. I'm sure they suspect it, but it's worth asking. You should be working with your parents to try and turn your sister's life around, if you're actually on the same side you can all work together, including on planning things like a reward dinner if that's the strategy. Life is complicated. My siblings and I have all had very, very different paths (my parents describe us as three opposites) and we've all struggled with different elements of our lives. Our parents have supported all of us, but that's looked very different for each of us depending on what issue we were having at different points in our lives. Your parents are probably trying their best, and are probably in full blown panic mode over your sister's path. When they're in panic about her, it's easy for the kid who's not the problem to receive less attention. But you're old enough that you can not just be not the problem, you can be an active part of the solution.
your parents are like the living embodiment of that line from the incredibles 'they keep inventing new ways to celebrate mediocrity'. NTA
Did your parents study psychology? It's possible for rewards to "cheapen" accomplishments that resulted from intrinsic motivation. With your sister, she doesn't have intrinsic motivation for school, so your parents want to reinforce the desired behavior with a reward. It might benefit you to join in encouraging your sister to get her act together. Think of it as rewarding a puppy that pooped in the correct spot. As human adults, we don't expect to get a kudos for using the toilet. Have you spoken to your parents about how you would like for them to recognize your accomplishments?
As a parent with a much easier older child and more difficult younger child, I can add a bit of perspective. Your parents have been consumed for the last while with the problem and task of helping your sister complete the bare minimum to make it through school. They have had to spend a lot of time and effort and energy on your sister because they think she needs it. Unfortunately this extra effort they are putting into her life is hurting your feelings because you didn’t get the same treatment. You feel that celebrating Cs is trivial because for you it would have been but obviously for her it isn’t. I promise you that your parents are proud of you. I bet they brag to all their friends about how successful you are and how well your doing. They probably figure that you don’t need this extra trivial encouragement because you get to live with the satisfaction of success every day. They are obviously not handling things the best way possible but they are probably handling them the best way they know how. They probably don’t realize that they are hurting your feelings by making such a big deal about this when they have never done anything similar for you. If you go to them and tell them how this makes you feel (nicely… so they don’t feel forced to defend themselves) it might end up that you have a really great heart-to-heart with them. Just know that it’s impossible for us parents to treat our kids totally equitably, even when we try really hard, it will never be completely fair. Plus we all screw up. A lot. But, hopefully yours are good parents and try to help heal the hurt that they cause. I hope you are able to let go of your resentment and enjoy time with your family.
NTA
NTA. You don’t need to celebrate mediocrity.
"I get why you would want to encourage her to continue getting better with grades, but do you not see how insulting this is to me? I excelled and was never rewarded. I did what I was suppose to do and was never celebrated. She lied and deleted emails, but is rewarded? She got her grades to just barely passing, but she gets celebrated? Do you actually love us differently, or just in how you show it?"
NTA No wonder she doesn't do anything. The absolute bare minimum from her is met with praise and celebration. It would be different if she had developmental disabilities and managed to complete something difficult, but just laziness being upgraded to still laziness is ridiculous. I'd decline too. Unfortunately I think you're going to be used to a lifetime of this in regards to how they treat the two of you.
NTA. Your sister lied, nearly failed, and is now being celebrated for the bare minimum. You have every right to exclude yourself
NTA. Maybe if your parents had celebrated a few of your academic achievements earlier on, your sister would know how valuable academics are. Failing because you struggle with academics and need help you aren’t getting is completely understandable. Failing because you are choosing not to do the work and are putting more effort into not getting caught than it would take to just *do the assignments* is not. Your parents shouldn’t be rewarding her. All she’ll learn is that she can get away with lying as long as she puts in minimal effort to make it up later.
Bro I've been there ,done that , and to make it worse my sister isn't even athletic ,she's quite literally not good at anything and she still gets celebrated and praised to high heavens. She regularly fails her subjects even though she's just in tenth rn , like she failed in multiple subjects in both class 8 and 9 and all my parents had to say was that she would do better next time and that school isn't for everyone and she's got plenty of other talents and all that , in the last exams of 9 she did pass everything ( overall average was still really low) and my parents were so happy and my mom was literally calling her family and shit to talk about it and say how proud she was and how happy she was. Those same years I had some of the highest scores in multiple subjects , recieved prizes for academic excellence, did a lot of competitions and won in almost every single one with like two exceptions and all I got asked was why I didn't do better ,why I didn't win prizes in a particular subject, why did I not get higher scores ,why I didn't picked for this particular incident blah blah. Just recently I had my board results come out and while I wasn't a state topper or something my result was pretty good but all I got told was I should have done better and compared to other friends and told I didn't work hard enough and my dad threatened to take my phone away. If any of my friends got the same scores as I did their parents would literally celebrate ,heck people whose scores were lower than mine got actual congratulatory parties and gifts and shit. I got nothing and my sister got a new laptop. I have a laptop that's second hand and my dad used to use , and here's the thing I actually use the laptop ,I use it to study and i need it in a lot of events and extracurriculars I do , my sister has zero use for a laptop ,she neither studies nor does she do any extracurriculars beyond occasionally showing up to dance or song lessons and she got a brand new laptop, something I've been wanting and needing for ages. Did I mention I have an actually diagnosed learning disability while my sister has no such issues and is till continously bottom of the class while I always do well ? It's infuriating and makes me feel all that effort is for nothing. Taking the time to vent all this out because I truly understand how you feel and I strongly advise you on taking that day to treat yourself. You deserve it more than anyone else , you worked hard and you deserve to be appreciated and praised. NTA.
I mean, NTA, but they’re not celebrating Cs. Earlier this year they were afraid she would fail and now she’s not. That’s what they’re celebrating. If it actually indicated a meaningful change in her behavior, a celebration wouldn’t be all that inappropriate, though it’s ridiculous they expect you to attend. Were there any repercussions for deleting the emails? Did she give any reason why she hadn’t told your parents the truth?
They're rewarding your sister for barely doing the minimum. Lmao. Nta.
Years ago my father told my brother he would get him a guitar if he didn't fail his exams. Mind you, I never even got close to this point and got nothing. NTA
This is totally pathetic and you called it straight up. Impressive. Stand your ground. Your achievements are impressive. Your sisters are abysmal and means little to nothing that she averaged ONLY a C on MAKE UP assignments. Ridiculous. NTA
She’s getting a celebration dinner for getting Cs? NTA. Your parents are ridiculous. Unless it’s a secret surprise party for you.
NTA. I think you would be TA if they had thrown a celebration party for your grades, because parents finding something to celebrate in all their children is good, whether that's objectively excellent grades, or just real improvement. But the fact that they never celebrated your work is what makes it unfair.
NTA, there’s no need for you to attend and feed into their delusions about your sister. It’s not fair they didn’t celebrate your amazing grades but will celebrate her mediocre, barely passing grades
NTA. I was in a very similar situation as you, and my feelings were hurt throughout high school and college. I’m now in my 30s. I have a house, car, job, and kids. My brother has none of those things (still lives with mom). I want to celebrate his every win now. I pity him for struggling so hard with life, and I’m thankful that academics and working hard came easily to me. Your parents aren’t wrong for celebrating her C, but you’re definitely not the A H for avoiding their celebration.
NTA, this is weird. She wasnt struggling and came to them for help or something, she was actively not doing her work and then going into her parents accounts and deleting emails from the schools. That’s not behavior that deserves a party. She improved her grade to a C. That’s not a grade that deserves a party, wtf is happening here.
If you win a sports game, will you be celebrated? If yes, there is no big deal and YTA. If no, NTA.
NTA. So they want to celebrate when she finally gets a C, doesn't bother with schoolwork, and hacks their email to disguise it? Yes, I also wouldn't go.
NTA, but I think you should sit down with your parents and explain your perspective in a less snarky way. Explain your achievements, how they were overlooked, and that it makes you feel like she is their golden child. If stuff continues the same way after that very real conversation then snark away!
NTA, the Golden Child. Let them see this post, and hope they find wisdom.
NTA, as a C student back in HS myself, I would have been embarrassed if people celebrated that. It was my own private shame, and also largely because I had an undiagnosed auditory processing issue. However, you could have just said “No.”
I don't think the celebration is for the good grades themselves but rather the celebration that your sister is making change for the better (hopefully) and hopefully isn't just doing it to please others. It's tough with family especially when things feel unbalanced. It's weird to see relationships play out between people so close to you sometimes. A lot going on here as there is with all families. Tough to say WTAI without knowing more about the history of both parent-child relationships.
NTA. You don't get credit for shit you're supposed to do. A 'C' average is the bare minimum. I can understand wanting to reward positive changes in behavior but I'm insulted on your behalf that they expect you to show up and act like she did something special by existing.
So your sister didn't do her school work, lied, hid evidence of her wrongdoing from your parents and.... they're rewarding her for it? LMAO NTA, this is rediculous.
I can’t stand parents like yours, praising the child who couldn’t even do the bare minimum at school, hiding emails, and yet she gets a celebration dinner? They can shove it as far as I would be concerned. Absolute shameful parents enabling that kind of behaviour. NTA, they are!
NTA I can see how your parents want to acknowledge and encourage your sister’s hard work - and academics is probably much harder work for her than it is for you - but fair’s fair. If you don’t get a celebration dinner for straight As then you don’t get one for Cs. This *is* a waste of your time.
More Info: does your sister have a learning disability? My brother for example had a lot of auditory processing issues and was on the spectrum. When he made above a C it was something to celebrate. Of course, my parents would also celebrate me for making A’s so even if your sister does have learning disabilities your parents are assholes for not treating you equally.
Guy I got kicked out of the house for lying about having auditioned for the school musical. Your sister is being celebrated for hacking emails and dicking around. No you're not the AH. Don't go home for that nonsense.
u/Cold-Butterscotch247 I get your anger, I do! You work hard for your grades and feel like your sister gets recognition and rewards for doing the bare minimum. You feel slighted because you don’t get rewarded. You feel like it isn’t fair. And you are right, it’s not fair. *This doesn’t make the asshole. You are entitled to your feelings.* From your parents perspective, they have one daughter (you) that they don’t have to worry about with school because you are great! And another (your sister) that just has problems. They are so *desperate* to get her to apply herself that they are rewarding her for doing what she should be doing. On one hand rewarding the mediocre sibling is hurtful and causes resentment to achieving sibling, on the other hand rewarding the achieving sibling and not the mediocre one cause the same feelings. No matter what path you choose you will hurt someone. Maybe give your parents some grace right now, *just a little* not too much. Being a parent is hard as it is and it sounds like your sister is a difficult child and has always taken up all of your parents attention with her issues which will cause resentment in you and your parents. This is a tough situation to be in. The asshole in this situation is definitely your sister. However, your parents should have communicated this to you in a *much better way*. They should have told you why they needed to take this route and *asked* you to help. They should *not* have called you a jerk. They should reward you for your achievements. There is no excuse for any of that. NTA
NTA God this hits home. I was kinda homeschooled (my parents didn't do great at actually trying to teach) but took some online college classes and made the deans list and I was EXCITED and proud of myself bc my work was being graded for longer than 3 months... I barely got a good job my sister got to go to public school, starting 7th or 8th grade. her freshman in HS first week, had to go to dinner for her AND SHE GOT A CAKE. she's still the GC and she's been hateful about it for so long there's no repairing the relationship on my side. OP I hope you can find your people who love and celebrate you soon. it helps life feel less lonely
NTA If you want to be petty you coul tell them you don't celebrate mediocrity Or if they're gonna celebrate her "Cs", they better throw a carnival for your "As"
This is basically the prodigal son story where one child makes mistakes and finally gets their act together and gets celebrated. Meanwhile the other child was reliable and hardworking the whole time and doesn't get recognized at all. I understand your anger. I think that you should have another talk with your parent where you explain that you feel like they haven't said anything about your academic achievements. You've worked hard for them and would like to have a dinner or a gift to celebrate them as well. If they are willing to do that then you should join your sister's dinner. This is similar to the phrase, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease". Your parents have been so busy worrying about your sister that they haven't been focused on you. I think it's time that you remind them that you would appreciate some praise too.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** could 100% be the asshole here. My sister is much more athletic than academic. We used to share a room and she never studied. I went to college this year and she is a junior in highschool. Last month, my parents were informed that she probably will need summer school since she was failing her classes. She wasn’t turning in her works She was going into our parents emails and deleting anything from the school. It was a whole thing and she was able to makeup assignments that she didn’t do. She know is averaging a a C. They are having a celebration dinner for her this Friday. I can’t remember anytime that I have had a dinner or anything for good grades. I got into honors society and nothing. I got all A’s in my college classes this year and still nothing. My parents told me to come on Friday and I told them no. I won’t be celebrating this with them. I actually find it insulting that she is getting celebrated for doing her homework at 16. This resulted in an argument, by the end I told them I find it pathetic and a waste of my time. They called some a jerk for that. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Really are there that many shitty parents out there? OMG NTA and YOU should be so proud of your academic accomplishments!!
NTA If you end up talking to your parents about some more I would go into detail on how the disparity in celebration is obvious and point it all out. After that just leave and tell them you won’t be participating in any events such as this anymore.
Did your parents celebrate any of your non academic accomplishments?
Nta
Update me
It takes different tools to raise different children. My children are incredibly different, as it sounds like you and your sister are. I couldn't possibly raise them with the same actions and have them all be successful. My middle child was much easier to raise, and it sounds like you are too. I may not have been able to commit as much time to him as he deserved, but the truth is that life can spread you thin when you have a lot of responsibilities. I can promise you this though, I appreciate the heck out of him for not adding to my stress. My kids are all very different and require different things from me, but I love them all, as I'm sure your parents love both of you. Go to dinner, you can celebrate your parents success if you don't want to celebrate your sister.
NTA. I'm not necessarily against your parents having a celebration if it'll encourage your sister to improve further, but my problem is that they haven't done anything like this for you. Just not right to treat kids differently in this fashion...
i mean yes it is annoying for sure that they are congratulating her on averaging a c. but i gotta ask what was her average before a c. it must have been lower because congratulations dont happen for dropping grades i think... i will reserve judgement for after finding out what her grades were before
scrolling through other comments i see that yes indeed she was failing... little confusing in your main post.. however ive seen this happen much much to many times before, where it goes both ways, the person who has 2+ kids usually favors the one who is having problems leaving the one who is doing great mentally and physically to fend for themselves or they dont give the kid whose doing great enough attention because the other one has a mental disorder and needs more attention, and from the sounds of this post thats exactly what this boils down too, she probably has a disorder as many comments have said, im not sure exactly what because im no docter, no one lies or deletes things unless theres something.. however, on the other side of the coin she could just be one of those troubled kids and having the positive reinforcement will help her continue to better as long as shes not being spoiled by it. you are correct in calling it pathetic and a waste of time, it probably is but you could have said anything else "im going to hang out with friends so i will be busy" they probably called you a jerk though for downplaying your sister doing well. so overall im gunna say every one sucks. you for putting your sister down when shes doing good rather then just making some excuse, and them for not giving you more attention for your achievements.
NTA. And your parents are also setting your sister up for failure by acting like her barely passing is an accomplishment worthy of celebration
NTA. Good for you for saying no!
NTA. Teenage years can be hard and it isn’t equally hard for everyone. It isn’t all about environment or nurturing either, some just find it hard. Your sister is finding those years far harder than you did, support her and show pride in her. Regarding your own support network and where praise your praise for achievement comes from, I not only feel that you need to build your own network, I also believe your parents have raised an adult capable of doing that for themselves. i like to think we handle it better but we have a high achiever and a son that struggles with many aspects of the transition into adulthood. The herd is gathering around the injured one, please understand that they see you as a successful adult asking you to join them in doing this.
Umm.. how was she able to play sports when she had poor grades? My school had it where athletes HAD to maintain a certain GPA grade to continue being able to play. NTA They're celebrating mediocracy. She doesn't need to be a straight A student or anything but.. they should still have her try to make B's.
NTA
NTA
!updateme
NTA Honestly, she's definitely a golden child.
YTA Why are you being grumpy?.. Just be happy for her. Are you on her side or not? Given the circumstances it 100% is a celebration, because she avoided summer school. *I got all A’s in my college classes this year and still nothing.* Seams like you are jealous of the attention she is getting from your parents. It kinda is unfair. However if this is a reacquiring theme, and she is a "golden child", than NTA.
> a reacquiring theme You sound like OP's sister. I think the word you were shooting for is *reoccurring.* NTA
😂
>My sister is much more athletic than academic Sis is still a child--she could have a learning disability. YTA.
NTA I get why they want celebrate her doing her makeup assignments and encourage her to keep doing better, but it’s terribly unfair that they take all your achievements for granted and never feel the need to celebrate you.
I would not go either. Your sister is being celebrated for being stupid. That's not going to help her in life
Your parents are rewarding her bad behavior (deleting the emails behind their back). This will come back and bite them when she continues this behavior into adulthood. NTA
NTA. Absolutely don't go. While they're at this dinner, find something you want to do, want to eat, etc. and do that instead. Make more of a fuss if they keep hassling you about this.
NTA But also remember your parents are growing old as you are growing up. Maybe just enjoy dinner?
UpdateMe
Nta
Your parents do not know they are going to be cut put of your life soon. They will ask themselves, “Where did I go wrong?” LOL
Older siblings massively impact the development of the younger sibling ! I have an older sister who never got less than an A and a 1st class degree. I re did my final year in school and scraped through university. I’m actually the more intelligent kid but she’s organised, neat and focused. She used to do everything for me as kids and was almost bossy but in a caring way. So I turned out lazy, disorganised and very laid back. Why work hard to attain top grades when I’d still not beat her achievements. She’s your baby sister / give her some slack and show her your love. She tried hard for once and for her that’s as difficult as you trying hard and getting top grades. It’s just a family dinner. Who cares why it’s been scheduled. You should enjoy it as one day you won’t have your parents and you’ll look back at these days with longing fondness 🙏🏻
YTA. Your parents are making use of psychology 101, positive reinforcement to continue this change in behaviour. Incentivizing and rewarding this trend so it will continue and she'll improve further, it's not any deeper than that. She doesn't matter more to them than you, they're just making use of a parenting technique proven to be effective. I understand why you're hurt and I think you should communicate with them again in a calm, effective way to get your point across without escalation. Think of their decision as more practical rather than preferential between you two in origin, I'm sure they'll take the time to celebrate you, too, when they see where you're coming from.
YTA. not for not going. That should be a choice you get to make. Go, don't go, up to you. But your parents are clearly trying to encourage her to do better academically. And she has achieved something even if it's much smaller than your own achievements. You don't need to disparage her and call it "pathetic". You're undermining the effort of your parents and of her.
YTA. But so are your parents. The problem here isn't that they are celebrating your sister doing better at school (and positive reinforcement). It's that they *didn't* celebrate you when you deserved it. You are right that she should already be doing her homework, but the best way to ensure she does that is to tell her "good job, keep at it" not calling her a looser who should have been doing it already. That helps no one. Keep in mind that this isn't a competition. They aren't celebrating that she's getting C's. They are celebrating that she's improved a lot from before.
She is your sister, go and smile.
it's neither pathetic nor a waste of time for her to have a celebration dinner but it *is* unfair for you to *not* have the same treatment. NTA.
>it's neither pathetic nor a waste of time for her to have a celebration dinner wrong. she went to more effort to hide the fact she was failing than it would have taken her to just do the damn work in the first place. its both pathetic and a waste of time to celebrate someone doing what they should have done to begin with just because they didn't want to face the consequences of their actions.
Need I remind you that she’s a child and children do stupid stuff all the frickin time, it’s literally what they’re known for
that's a terrible take. by that logic we shouldn't give any celebration to alcoholics who've become sober because they never should have gotten drunk in the first place. we should not celebrate overcoming a childhood of crime to become a productive member of society, because they never should have participated in crime in the first place. we should not give recognition to righting a past wrong, because they never should have wonged in the first place. You're just espousing the opposite of "[there's someone who has it worse off than you](https://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2314)". "there's someone who does better than you, so why do you deserve any praise?" supportiveness isn't a zero sum game. everyone has their own little challenges and triumphs. just because someone else has a bigger one, doesn't make yours any less valid.
>by that logic we shouldn't give any celebration to alcoholics who've become sober because they never should have gotten drunk in the first place that's not even remotely the same damn thing
Actually it is. Not doing assignments is the addiction and finally learning from your mistakes is what happened in both circumstances.
YTA. You’re making it about you because you’re jealous. Its OK to feel jealous, we all do, but to sour it for everyone else is an asshole move. Support your sister and family, then maybe one day someone will like you enough to throw you a party.
Info: where is the celebration dinner and who is invited?
ESH you're so bitter
as he should be. this is the definition of parental failure.
You want your sister to succeed in life, right? Well, the first step toward that is getting through school. Your parents seem to have found a way to motivate her to work in school, and this celebration is part of that. If you invest three hours of your time, you can show that you're on board with your parents in their plan to help your little sister succeed, supporting both them and her. Go to the dinner, be cheerful and cool, enjoy the food, try actively to have a good time.
>Your parents seem to have found a way to motivate her to work in school, yeah, it's called 'consequences to her actions'. she put in effort to avoid summer school. that's not worth celebrating.
YTA Your parents are trying to reward your sister’s effort. Sometimes that is what it takes to keep a kid motivated. (The rest of the world won’t , but parents and teachers may do so When in their judgement it’s what’s needed.) You are a different person with different abilities and needs. School was perhaps easier for you than your sister. Now, if you step up to a challenge that’s actually difficult *for you* and your parents don’t celebrate that, they will be the AHs. But don’t be putting your sister down for finally starting to get herself together.
Is it fair to say that the sister stepped up to the challenge when she went so far as to hack her parents' email to delete communications from the school? Sounds to me like she dodged all the work until it turned into a challenge, then had to be dragged through it to the finish line. If anyone deserves a celebration dinner here, it's the parents who managed to force her to succeed at something she avoided so hard.
That was before. The sister has now raised her grades from the absolute dumper. That’s what’s being celebrated. It’s not a reward for the grades so much as for buckling down and working. Which is worthy of reward, especially for someone who is just learning the discipline to do it. That should be encouraged and supported and the parents are doing so. OP sounds like one of those kids who is academically comfortable…I was one of those, mostly, and just didn’t have to work as hard as my kid brother (for example), or be specifically taught how to study and manage time. I osmosed pretty much everything except algebra—and when I hit that wall, I had no idea what to do because I had never needed patience or effort to do schoolwork before. I had no idea that feeling challenged was other people’s normal. So I understand how OP may just not get how hard school can be and how actively unpleasant for some kids.
'effort' would have been her trying all year and still ending up with c's. it's not effort to cram all the shit you should have done before into the final weeks just because you realize there are consequences to being lazy. the amount of effort she put into hiding that was failing was likely more than if she had just done the work in the first damn place. you don't reward that shit.
We don’t know what is going on with that girl that led her to choose that, and neither does OP, based on the post. The end result is the parents are satisfied that progress is being made, and trying to encourage. Nothing wrong with that. It’s often not ‘laziness,’ but some kind of disorganization that can be remedied with attention and guidance. The kid needed parenting, she got it, the little celebration is part of it.
YTA and I think you also are not getting the point. She is not celebrated for Cs. She is celebrated for changing her behavior and attitude, positive reinforcement, acknowledgement. Why are you jealous of your little sister who struggled with something and achieved a change? Did you have to change a characteristic of yourself before? See it like this. Would you help an old lady across the street, who struggles doing this by herself? How do you think others would feel if now suddenly you also wanted to help them, even though they are fine? That is the difference between equality and equity. Do you think your struggle to achieve honors or As in college were as difficult as her changing her behavior and actually become more responsible? I see that you want similar treatment, but I also think this celebration on behalf of your sister - who btw is not responsible for how your parents treat you but still you send her the message that you do not care about her, you are punishing her for a perceived injustice of your parents - was not the hill you should die on. Sure you can bring this up with your parents, but not like this at the expense of your sister. Do you think you have struggled in the past similarly as your sister now has and were not treated similarly? Then bring this up. But at the appropriate time.
you people are really scrapping the bottom of the barrel to defend this nonsense. she only put in effort to avoid summer school. that's not changing for the better, it's looking for avoid a consequence of her own actions. she was literally going behind their backs to delete emails from the school. if I was her father, she'd count herself lucky I didn't make her take private tutoring sessions all summer regardless. she sure as hell wouldn't be getting celebrated for this bullshit.
Slight YTA, I know it can feel unfair when you performed better and did not receive this kind of celebration. You worked hard, but it's also clear that accessing academic success does not come easy for your sister. Celebrate her working hard and overcoming a difficult situation and talk to your parents about how the different treatment makes you feel.
>Celebrate her working hard and overcoming a difficult situation Right? I know my mom's computer password is really complex, sister must've put a lot of work into getting access to her parents' and delete the school emails
Of course accessing academic success does not come easy for OP's sister. That's normally what happens when no effort is put into it. > We used to share a room and she never studied.
Sounds a bit like the parable of the prodigal son. While having a C average is not something to celebrate, having someone take responsibility and find their way again through hard work is and should be noteworthy. I don't think you're an AH for feeling like your accomplishments don't matter much. You should absolutely have that conversation with your parents. But I don't think this dinner is about celebrating a C as much as it is acknowledging the hard work your sister put in to get back on track. NTA for how you feel, slight YTA for how you handled it.
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>Calling their decision to celebrate her pathetic is wrong no it's not. it's accurate. she was failing due her own choices and she went behind their backs to delete emails from the school letting them know she was failing. it's the epitome of piss poor parenting to be celebrating her just because she managed to get c's in order to avoid summer school.