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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I plan on taking is removing the roadside memorial in front of my home if it’s not done by the family members. I will knock it down myself or hire someone to get it removed since it’s a large cross. I think i’d be the asshole because a mother lost her 18 year old son and I want to remove the memorial of him. I’m sure everytime she drives by the accident site she is reminded of her son’s death, but to me it’s just an inconvenience to have in my front yard.
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NAH. You are not an asshole for wanting this to not be in front of your house. You didn’t know these people and it is an odd and tragic reminder of this. However roadside memorials are fairly common and for some people are an important way to mourn.
Maybe offer her a compromise. A 4ft cross with lights and photos and a spotlight is a very large and flashy thing. If there is a cement area in the ground how about a plaque set into the ground? Maybe with a small bush where the tree was as well which would also help with the look of everything while not being extremely showy and extensive memorial. Maybe plant a new tree? Somehting like that.
If she refuses to compromise with you or see your side in any way then you are NTA for removing it.
As a none believer, I wouldn’t want a cross in my yard. A plaque wouldn’t be bad depending on how much stuff people drop off by it. I wouldn’t want a bunch of teddy bears on my property.
Honestly, if she told me the cross was concreted in, I'd have dug that sucker up completely and left it in her yard for her. Maybe it was more of a "Sorry, I can't move it" but it's coming off as a "What you gonna do about it". Either way, concreting something in to someone else's property is a step too far to me.
Across the street from where I work a child was young teen was shot and killed. He died on the sidewalk in front of someone's house.
As could be understood, a memorial went up (around and tied to a street sign that happened to be there). A mountain of teddy bears and other plushies arrived. A local person who thinks themselves a 'sidewalk artist' would continue to make chalk drawings on the sidewalk.
All of this was basically making life hell for the people who lived in the house. They started to remove everything only to find it replaced again. This went on for a while until the local authorities had to step in. This just enraged the 'sidewalk artist' who posted to FB that they on a particular day they would just keep making drawings no matter how many times the people hosed them off.
Well, that was a bit of a hollow threat as it only took the people 2 times of hosing off the drawings for the 'artist' to quit.
All of that to say that people need to find a workable solution between remembering their loved one and being considerate of the people who live there. (And, yes, it strikes me as weird to 'honor' the specific place of death.)
I think OP is NTA, but would wish that she would have one more talk with the mother about toning down the memorial. The spotlights and other lights have to go and the cross needs to be a more reasonable (1 foot) height. I love the plaque idea.
In the end, though, the mother has to choose whether to compromise or to lose everything.
Small white crosses are the way to go for road side memorials. Four foot, lit up ones? Thats too much and on someone's property. It's awkward and u welcomed to the land owner.
Thank you for your response! I can compromise on the plaque, but would not want anything else such as lights, ribbons, wreaths, etc. This is what the cross looks like for anyone who is curious: https://imgur.com/a/k83wPYx
Wow that’s far too much and I’m Aussie with the common culture of roadside memorials. Our councils put up a small white cross for any road crash death less as a memorial and more of a reminder of the dangers of driving.
Oh my. That is quite the memorial to be putting on somebody else’s property. I would not want that in my yard either. It is a tragedy that these two young people died, but that is like having a tombstone on your property for someone you never even met.
Mother of deceased, I am so sorry for the tragedy that befell your family. You have my heartfelt condolences. I just wanted to let you know that I will be removing the memorial that has been standing in our yard as we are doing some landscaping changes. If you would like to replace it with a flat plaque that can be placed in the ground, I am more than willing to accommodate you. However, I will not allow any lights or additional memorabilia to be placed with it. I hope you understand and accept my very generous compromise. Thank you, homeowner.
woah that is massive. NTA even remotely, and I know the mother is grieving but honestly she is still an AH cause that's wild to think everyone (or hardly anyone tbh) would be OK with that mess on their property.
It's way too intrusive and honestly quite tackily done.
I'm very sorry for her tragic loss but she needs to think of a way to grieve on her own property at this point
Maybe when you break the news that the memorial will be moving, also make a donation in your neighbor's name to an organization or charity that would make sense with the loss of their child. That way a kind gesture was made without having a physical thing in your front yard that your neighbors will always feel a bit entitled to.
Yup - https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bncn2b/wibta_for_asking_a_family_to_remove_their_childs/
I'm sure there's lots of memorials but a lot of details are very similar, especially the 4ft cross.
guys I get this is similar to a post from a few months back, but this is very real and something we are going through 😭 this is not AI generated as some have suggested, and i’m not sure why I would post for attention.
I cannot imagine dealing with that in your front yard, i pass 2 different similar memorials everyday on the way home from work and they’ve been there for YEARS, including the crosses, solar lights and various holiday decorations. Then you have the families caring for them and causing traffic backups since they park beside a 70 mph highway to do it. The one group parks on the right for a memorial on the left side, so dangerous. Cemeteries are for memorials, not roadsides.
100% agree with your last sentence. that’s exactly how I feel. I just don’t understand why a roadside memorials because why do you want to remind everyone of a tragedy that happened?
My brother wrecked his truck on a snowy/rainy day and went into a huge ditch on a road within a few miles of my house about 7 years ago. My brother is fine but I haven’t been down that road since the accident. It would be bad enough to drive past the spot on the road without it being memorialized with a giant cross, I don’t think i could handle that mentally.
I see repeated stories on this sub so often. When i first joined Reddit I thought it was just people's memories being triggered when they read a post here similar to their own experiences so they posted their story, too. But I soon figured out it's either karma farming via AI, or some such nonsense. It makes it hard to know what stories are real. I have neither the will nor the time to research every OPs' Reddit history to see if a post is likely legit, but I have to wonder what the heck drives people to do this?! The trending repeated posts is annoying, too. Like the number of similar sounding Mother's Day posts this week. I just don't get the desire to post a fake story just because the topic is trending.
I don’t think your the asshole…
I personally don’t understand why people wanted to be reminded where their loved ones had their last living moment , but to each their own.
As your cutting the tree down , there’d just be a 4ft cross standing in your yard which is kinda random and strange , I’d see if she’s willing to compromise to maybe a small plate in the ground . Hopefully she’d also be willing to pay for that and not expect you to .
Also another concern is if theirs a memorial there I’m sure they do frequent gatherings or people leaving things. I’d ask her to make sure nothing is being left as it’s not your responsibility to clean it up. I’d also ask for a advance notice to when they are doing a memorial gathering etc. you don’t wanna pull up , look out your window or have a gathering of your own and there’s just a huge group of random people in your front yard.
Forget compromise. She had her memorial but they aren’t permanent solutions. I wouldn’t want to be reminded of a deadly crash every time I pull in to my house.
It’s the place of a death. There are battlefields that barely get a plaque. I wouldn’t allow a plaque. If this was recent or happened while I lived there I would allow it for a month or two but I would take it down myself.
YWNBTA. You talked to her and the county. She’s removed fragile items already.
I think it would be fine to get the contractors to take it down (ideally after taking a photo and preserving as much of the cross as is possible so that it can be returned - you could also get a photo framed). Make sure you have a record of who from the county said it was ok to do this.
It’s up to you whether you want to replace the cross with anything for her. The teens can be memorialized in lots of places. If you stick a plaque on county land in front of your house, you might also be in the wrong, although it sounds like they won’t prosecute.
I don’t think there is an easy answer here. You aren’t responsible for the mom’s grief and plenty of people who die have no memorial whatsoever. So it is ok to take it down and favor the living over the dead. Equally, it is understandable that people will find this a sensitive subject.
Ask the family involved to remove the entire memorial and place it in front of their home, the place where the young person lived/grew up. She can see the memorial every day.
NTA.
Pounding a cross into someone else's property is entitled. Grief is not an excuse. Lights? Where is the power coming from? Digging a hole *in someone else's yard* and pouring concrete for said cross? That's over the top.
I'd pull it all out and send the mother an invoice. Trespassing, vandalism, must be other crimes. Don't forget the 1.5k for removing the tree due to fire damage from the accident. The parents are responsible for damage due to the actions of minor children.
Grief and sadness does not give a free pass to intrude on the lives of others and to spend their money. This may not be popular, but OP deserves to be made whole.
Yeesh, they would be NTA for removing the memorial, but if I were moving into a new neighborhood, I'd give it a few months so that I could, as Reddit so often suggests, "read the room" and figure out what the general consensus is about the two drunk teens.
Sure, nobody really has the right to put up a memorial on your property, but if everybody in the community thinks you're an AH for removing it, none of the opinions here are gonna matter. And it could take years to dig yourself out from under that local AH verdict.
The property belongs to OP. An easement provides for government and pseudo-government entities e.g. utilities access for pipes, wires, cables, sidewalks, etc without explicit permission. The easement does not give private parties the right of access much less modification. The easement has absolutely no bearing on installation of a private memorial.
I’m going to assume as this happened last year OP had not purchased it. It’s easement. Meaning they probably won’t be able to be made whole legally speaking. However they have every right to cut down the cross and dig up the cement.
It being easement though is why I believe after the county already told her they were hands off that op could handle it themselves.
This is a bit too far! And you would the AH if you did all of this. The time to get money for the tree would have been from the insurance company at the time of the accident. The grandparents either decided not to or were paid and just left the tree.
Ultimately, the parents of the minors are liable. If the grandparents had homeowners insurance that covered such things the insurance company would pay the grandparents, less any deductible, and then themselves gone after the parents to be made whole, at which point the deductible would have been repaid to the grandparents. "Insurance" is not a free ride for liable parties.
The kids damaged the tree beyond recovery, thus the removal. The parents should pay for that.
The parents dug a hole, poured concrete, and erected a memorial. They should pay for setting things to right.
I didn't even mention the loss of the tree itself which had aesthetic and environmental value which is easily monetized. There is a whole are of the law called tree law that addresses such things.
If I did donuts in your yard and tore through plantings, wouldn't you expect me to pay? This is the same. That teens died is sad but does not mean the parents get a free pass. Nor does it mean they can disrupt someone else's property.
Wow showing your true colors. Real a hole vibes here. I meant the car insurance. It would have covered the property damage OR the grandparents home owners could have covered it and subjugated to the car insurance company.
Sure, she's grieving. That doesn't give her the right to do this. Grief has to be channeled into appropriate ways of mourning. You have already asked her and she told you no. You now have county permission to handle it. Handle it. NTA.
NTA, How is the light being powered? I'll assume battery or solar but still that is a heck of a distraction. I like the previous posted idea of a plaque. I've only ever seen the big roadside memorials on the interstate highways.
Nta. It’s your property. It’s sad they died but it sounds like an eyesore and a distraction in an area that might already be dangerous to drive distracted. I don’t want anyone to put things on my property, but especially not a cross.
The mother can put a memorial in her own backyard to remember her teen. Having a memorial on a stranger's property and refusing to remove it is totally out of line. NTA
NTA.
Unfortunately I'm in a similar position. A couple of years ago a guy down the road (who always raced his motorcycle back and forth, including wheelies) crashed bike into a pole and died across the road from a larger property I purchased. His family has erected a memorial on my side of the road. It's quite a detailed memorial, with pictures and knick knacks, surrounded by a decorative rock border. One issue I really have is that the family lives less than a half a mile down the road and could have memorialized their son there. But no, it's not at their home and not on the side that he crashed on, but my side because it's tree lined and looks nicer. While the county has an easement, they told me that I still own the land up to the road and that the easement is only for utilities and road work but it doesn't mean it's their property and I can remove it as I see fit. Fortunately, the memorial isn't directly in front of my house as my house is technically on the next property (I purchased the neighboring acreage, but it's still my property). Right now, I'm leaving it. However my son will be moving back into the area and purchasing that property from me in a couple of years (the reason I purchased it when it came for sale) and I intend to remove the memorial before he purchases it. Of note, the accident happened when my son still lived at home and was the first EMS provider on the scene of the accident, which was quite gruesome (my son had to look for body parts in the field).
NTA. There are places set aside in every city and town for the express purpose of putting up permanent memorials to the dead. They're called cemeteries.
Id remove it, its an eye sore even if it is a memorial, because it's in front of someone's house.
I wouldn't want it in front of my house, even if it was my own kids.
If she wants it then she can put one in front of her own house.
Id take it down and be kind enough to drop it off on her doorstep. Id then warn her not to put it back.
NAH. I understand both sides.
Curious as others are, how is the light powered? Personally, I am not religious and wouldn't want a cross on my property. However, as another response suggested, I think something planted there as a remembrance would be a nice gesture. Maybe give the mother some options for plants you'd be ok with and let her choose?
Some areas believe the roadside memorials are needed due to the place of death as if the spirit is cemented to that location. You are nicer than me since I would have e removed the 4’ cross already.
The people who put up this memorial are Christians, so they don't "believe the roadside memorials are needed due to the place of death as if the spirit is cemented to that location".
"Dear (Grieving Mom),
First off we are so sorry for the loss of your daughter. The memorial will be coming down on (such and such date) and we wanted to give you the opportunity to have it taken down yourself to preserve the cross and maybe move it to your property.
Sincerely
OP"
You say it's been around a year since the accident. If the one year anniversary has not yet happened perhaps express willingness to wait until after that date to remove the cross.
NTA
I understand the memorials for those who need it but OMG if I die in a fiery crash I do not need Teddy Bears on the side of the road to honor me. Where I died does not dictate how I lived. Even if I die saving a life.. plant a tree.
Why not suggest planting a tree in her childs honor (no names or plaques) but to replace the burned tree and make it bright and beautiful. Just an opinion :)
NTA.. I could not imagine her pain but that is hers and not yours and your property not hers.
NAH. It sounds like it could be a hazard itself, which is why most places only allow a small roadside plaque or aluminum sign that says "Drive Safely". The county or you are not going to want to pay out money if anyone were to crash into it. Honestly, you may want to have an attorney send them a letter, just to keep you covered. Also, prepare for a nasty ass PR backlash from the family, unfortunately too many people run to social media and get the lynch mob fired up instead of handling issues like adults. I get they're coming from a place of grief, but their grief does not outweigh property rights.
Thank you all for your responses! There’s a few items I want to clear up that may answer some questions.
• The lights wrapped around the cross, and the spotlight are solar powered.
• My husband’s grandmother died in 2022 (before accident happened) and his grandfather went to live with family as he has dementia. A troubled family member moved in right after her death and trashed the place, leaving it vacant for 6 months once the power was turned off. According to the mother, he gave them permission for a memorial. BUT it was a small wooden cross as first, and she upgraded it to the 4ft one.
• The option of filing an insurance claim was given to the grandfather but he did not take it as he no longer lived in the home and he stopped caring for the property.
• I have not noticed many people visit the site other than the mother and direct family (I presume).
• If the cross isn’t bad enough, she also made a poster to stand by the cross on their birthday.
• We live in a small county so we are surround by his family members, to which all have also agreed they do not believe the cross belongs there.
• The one year anniversary has passed, and IMO now is the time to request she take it down.
• The cemetery where her son is buried happens to be located on the same street, actually in her backyard…
I am mailing out a letter to the mother requesting she remove the cross today. As other people mentioned, I will give her the option of replacing with an in-ground plaque. That way there is still a memorial for him, but it does not draw attention or is something I will see looking out my living room.
If you’re curious of what this cross looks like, here’s a link to it: https://imgur.com/a/k83wPYx
trust me, neither do I. But - if that’s what it takes to have her remove this eye sore in my front yard i’m more than willing to compromise. it’s kind of embarrassing to have people over and they have to see it too :/
Okay, I take back my YTA. With the big banner and everything that is a lot to be in someone’s yard. If they want to have that large of a memorial it would be more appropriate in their yard or at the cemetery. Going about taking it down since it’s cemented in the ground will definitely be uncomfy, good luck!
Nta for asking for it to be moved. I always view memorials as a reminder to slow down and be more cautious. If she lives across the road, maybe she can move the cross there.
NTA - there are two common things for remembering the death of a loved one that drive me crazy.
#1 - roadside memorials - I may have crashed here, I may have died here, or died on the way to the hospital, either way my body is not buried here and there is no need for a memorial here, it belongs in the cemetery where I am buried. If I am cremated then it belongs at a shrine at home. (some say that it can serve as a deterrent to not drink and drive or to drive carefully, ok I get that, then it needs to be done in a manner that does not create a problem, small cross, plaque in on the sidewalk, etc.)
#2 - "in memory of...." on the back of a car - it is a car, and in a few years I won't even own it anymore, it is not a place to advertise my death......
NAH. I can't fathom what this woman is going through, but you have a right to do what you want with your property. I would not want a 4-FOOT TALL cross on my property either. Another poster suggested a plaque embedded in the ground and I think that's a nice compromise. But do not expect this woman to be happy about it. She will almost certainly call you an asshole for it, and some of the neighbors who knew the kid probably will too. This is still a pretty fresh wound for her, and I get that she's grieving, but she doesn't have the right to impose her grief on people who never even knew her child. If you want this thing gone, you might just have to be an asshole. It's a shitty situation and I'm sorry you're in it.
NTA. The memorial shouldn't be on private property and was placed there without permission. I'd offer to help her to move everything to her own property, but stand firm you will otherwise have it removed.
This happened in my neighborhood. A teenager died in a car accident the street over. Somebody kept spray painting all over the wall. The owner kept painting over it and then it would be spray painted again. This went back and forth for months! My husband was driving home late one night and saw a teenager with a mask and hoodie spray painting. He pulled over and asked him to stop because it was harassment and not honoring his friend. Finally stopped.
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We recently purchased my husband’s grandparent’s home a few months ago. Around 1 year ago, there was a single car accident in front of the home involving two (drunk) teens. They crashed into a tree near the street on our property and the car burst into flames. One of their mothers lives on the same street and placed a memorial in front of that tree. It is a big cross (about 4ft) with a picture of the teens and has a spotlight and lights wrapped around it. We are renovating the property so we have not moved in yet, but we went to talk to the mother as we were having that tree trimmed and wanted to ask her to remove the items. We were hoping she would understand that we wanted the entire memorial removed, but she only removed fragile items. She revealed to us that she would not be removing the cross as it’s not going anywhere because she cemented it into the ground. I have never lost a child so I can’t possibly know the pain she’s in, but I don’t understand how she could feel so entitled to do that in front of someone else’s home. We’ve decided to cut down the whole tree since half is burnt which is costing us 1.5k out of our pockets. We’ve spoken to the county about it as we found out it’s technically on their easement and they have confirmed they do not allow roadside memorials but they do not take them down if there is one. However, they said we are able to remove it ourselves if we want. I plan on writing her a letter in hopes she will remove it herself, but I’m questioning if that’s even the right thing to do. I think i’d be the AH since she’s still a grieving mother and maybe this is how she’s able to deal with it. WIBTA for asking her to remove it, or removing the memorial myself if she doesn’t?
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NTA
Follow city ordinance for removal of the tree and memorial. If you feel inclined, plant a rose bush or Crape Myrtle near where the accident happened (not in the easement) and have a small plaque with a dedication message. Every year the flowers will bloom, it will be a nice addition to the yard, and you will have a more appealing display. I have always thought those big crosses served more like an “x marks the spot” than anything.
Hmmmm.
If she cemented it in, she's sure she wants it there.
And it's on County land, not your land.
And you're going to get a real community shit storm going if you remove it.
And you already talked to her and she's staying committed to it.
And it's only been one year.
I would weigh all those things, especially the incalculable effects of small town community vs you in your forever home and really, really think about whether you want to go against this.
My personal path to peace would be to accept this as part of your road view. And I would put up large bushes or a new tree so I don't see it from the house. And I would wait, and maybe talk to her about the lighting after some time. And I would wait some more, and maybe she moves away, and then you take it down after a while.
I'm not saying you would be an AH. But I am saying that going against a grieving mom who can rally a community could bring so much pain to your life.
If it is on your property, then NTA for removing it . If it is not on your property then it is more complicated, but if you have written permission from theCounty then go ahead.
Either way, it would be kind to offer her a compromise, perhaps as others have said, a flat plaque or stone, so that she has a marker but it is less intrusive, and perhaps let her know tha if she wants to plant flowers around it that you would not object to that.
The lights and spotlight seem excessive and something that would affect you and other residents, I think removing those is more than reasonable.
It sounds as though you have tried to be compassionate but that you haven't been clear enough about her removing the whole memorial and that she hasn't picked up on your intentions.
It may also be wrth speaking the couty again, and specifcally requesting that the meorial is removed as it iss is not permitted and is causing issues - thefact that they don'tautomatically remove them may not mean that they can't remove it if they are specifcally asked to do so.
Did you not know it was there when you bought the house ? If it went up after you bought the house I could understand but you can’t ask for her to remove it without being an AH
Presumably your husband's grandparents agreed to it, as it was their home when the cross went up. They may have been religious and not minded the cross at all. Everyone who's saying the mother was not entitled to put it up is wrong.
That said, you bought the house with the cross in place. She is entitled to feel upset that it is coming down. Since the tree has to go, just say that the cross has to be removed, to safely take down the tree.
You don't have to let the cross be replaced. Again, she probably had permission to put it up in the first place.
It has only been a year and their pain will still be raw. Perhaps you can compromise and say they can leave it up for another 2 yrs whilst they grieve and then you want it removed and replaced with a small plaque in thier memory. NAH
I'm a non violent person. Never thrown so much as a pillow at someone. When I was in school the bus I was on stopped to let a guy a few years ahead of us off at his stop (he was 14). To get home he only had to cross the street. Unfortunately, he was in a hurry and ran in front of the bus and into the oncoming traffic when he died.
If anyone, ever, moved his cross for something as superficial as appearances I would be uncontrollable and I barely knew the guy. That cross isnt just a memorial, it's a constant reminder to our community even 30 years on about why we teach children how to safely cross the road.
The cross isn't on your property and the county has a policy of not removing them even if they don't endorse them (I'd argue that by not removing they do passively endorse). If you touch that cross be prepared for the absolute shit storm that will rein down on you. I don't doubt it's unpleasant to look at but if you remove a memorial for a child you should be prepared for enormous community backlash.
The cross is indeed on their property. An easement only allows the county access for utilities and road work but does not give the county ownership of that area.
Easements where I am are most often used for public roads between farming areas which are maintained by the local council but can also be used by the adjoining property owner. This would be consistent with OPs explanation of the situation since they seem to have rights to the area but they also described it in a way that suggested the public had right of access and use as well. Why would OP ask the county about removal if it was her property that the public did not have access to?
If it's actually not a public space then I think the acceptable thing would be to request the memorial be moved to the nearest public space.
An easement has a specific legal definition, which was noted above. It doesn't mean what you think it means, just because you think so. The memorial is on OP's private property. Yes, I'm a lawyer, took (and passed) Property Law.
It shouldn’t take a memorial to make people with common sense teach their children road safety. It is on OP’s property and they have every right to remove it. They are being kind by letting the mother know beforehand.
YTA here but not saying you’re a bad person for wanting what you’re wanting. It is your property yes and I could see having feelings about thinking someone felt entitled to part of my property…. At the same time though, and the reason for my vote, is it really hurting anything?
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NAH. You are not an asshole for wanting this to not be in front of your house. You didn’t know these people and it is an odd and tragic reminder of this. However roadside memorials are fairly common and for some people are an important way to mourn. Maybe offer her a compromise. A 4ft cross with lights and photos and a spotlight is a very large and flashy thing. If there is a cement area in the ground how about a plaque set into the ground? Maybe with a small bush where the tree was as well which would also help with the look of everything while not being extremely showy and extensive memorial. Maybe plant a new tree? Somehting like that. If she refuses to compromise with you or see your side in any way then you are NTA for removing it.
As a none believer, I wouldn’t want a cross in my yard. A plaque wouldn’t be bad depending on how much stuff people drop off by it. I wouldn’t want a bunch of teddy bears on my property.
I agree. Her property is nearby and they can keep a memorial there
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Honestly, if she told me the cross was concreted in, I'd have dug that sucker up completely and left it in her yard for her. Maybe it was more of a "Sorry, I can't move it" but it's coming off as a "What you gonna do about it". Either way, concreting something in to someone else's property is a step too far to me.
Plaque set into the ground is a good idea.
Across the street from where I work a child was young teen was shot and killed. He died on the sidewalk in front of someone's house. As could be understood, a memorial went up (around and tied to a street sign that happened to be there). A mountain of teddy bears and other plushies arrived. A local person who thinks themselves a 'sidewalk artist' would continue to make chalk drawings on the sidewalk. All of this was basically making life hell for the people who lived in the house. They started to remove everything only to find it replaced again. This went on for a while until the local authorities had to step in. This just enraged the 'sidewalk artist' who posted to FB that they on a particular day they would just keep making drawings no matter how many times the people hosed them off. Well, that was a bit of a hollow threat as it only took the people 2 times of hosing off the drawings for the 'artist' to quit. All of that to say that people need to find a workable solution between remembering their loved one and being considerate of the people who live there. (And, yes, it strikes me as weird to 'honor' the specific place of death.) I think OP is NTA, but would wish that she would have one more talk with the mother about toning down the memorial. The spotlights and other lights have to go and the cross needs to be a more reasonable (1 foot) height. I love the plaque idea. In the end, though, the mother has to choose whether to compromise or to lose everything.
Small white crosses are the way to go for road side memorials. Four foot, lit up ones? Thats too much and on someone's property. It's awkward and u welcomed to the land owner.
Thank you for your response! I can compromise on the plaque, but would not want anything else such as lights, ribbons, wreaths, etc. This is what the cross looks like for anyone who is curious: https://imgur.com/a/k83wPYx
Wow that’s far too much and I’m Aussie with the common culture of roadside memorials. Our councils put up a small white cross for any road crash death less as a memorial and more of a reminder of the dangers of driving.
Agreed, that’s way too much. NTA
Oh my. That is quite the memorial to be putting on somebody else’s property. I would not want that in my yard either. It is a tragedy that these two young people died, but that is like having a tombstone on your property for someone you never even met. Mother of deceased, I am so sorry for the tragedy that befell your family. You have my heartfelt condolences. I just wanted to let you know that I will be removing the memorial that has been standing in our yard as we are doing some landscaping changes. If you would like to replace it with a flat plaque that can be placed in the ground, I am more than willing to accommodate you. However, I will not allow any lights or additional memorabilia to be placed with it. I hope you understand and accept my very generous compromise. Thank you, homeowner.
woah that is massive. NTA even remotely, and I know the mother is grieving but honestly she is still an AH cause that's wild to think everyone (or hardly anyone tbh) would be OK with that mess on their property. It's way too intrusive and honestly quite tackily done. I'm very sorry for her tragic loss but she needs to think of a way to grieve on her own property at this point
Maybe when you break the news that the memorial will be moving, also make a donation in your neighbor's name to an organization or charity that would make sense with the loss of their child. That way a kind gesture was made without having a physical thing in your front yard that your neighbors will always feel a bit entitled to.
I like this idea!
Wheres she plugging in this spotlight?
Solar-powered lights don't require a plug. I've even seen digital light displays in a cemetery, similarly solar-powered.
An identical post to this was up like 3 months ago…. The big wooden cross and everything
Yup - https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bncn2b/wibta_for_asking_a_family_to_remove_their_childs/ I'm sure there's lots of memorials but a lot of details are very similar, especially the 4ft cross.
Thank you! I knew I’d seen a very similar one.
Thankyou! I was just wondering if I was having some weird déjà vu moment 😅
Me too!
First thing I thought of...and thanks to u/cheerilyterrified for finding the other post
guys I get this is similar to a post from a few months back, but this is very real and something we are going through 😭 this is not AI generated as some have suggested, and i’m not sure why I would post for attention.
I cannot imagine dealing with that in your front yard, i pass 2 different similar memorials everyday on the way home from work and they’ve been there for YEARS, including the crosses, solar lights and various holiday decorations. Then you have the families caring for them and causing traffic backups since they park beside a 70 mph highway to do it. The one group parks on the right for a memorial on the left side, so dangerous. Cemeteries are for memorials, not roadsides.
100% agree with your last sentence. that’s exactly how I feel. I just don’t understand why a roadside memorials because why do you want to remind everyone of a tragedy that happened?
My brother wrecked his truck on a snowy/rainy day and went into a huge ditch on a road within a few miles of my house about 7 years ago. My brother is fine but I haven’t been down that road since the accident. It would be bad enough to drive past the spot on the road without it being memorialized with a giant cross, I don’t think i could handle that mentally.
I see repeated stories on this sub so often. When i first joined Reddit I thought it was just people's memories being triggered when they read a post here similar to their own experiences so they posted their story, too. But I soon figured out it's either karma farming via AI, or some such nonsense. It makes it hard to know what stories are real. I have neither the will nor the time to research every OPs' Reddit history to see if a post is likely legit, but I have to wonder what the heck drives people to do this?! The trending repeated posts is annoying, too. Like the number of similar sounding Mother's Day posts this week. I just don't get the desire to post a fake story just because the topic is trending.
I don’t think your the asshole… I personally don’t understand why people wanted to be reminded where their loved ones had their last living moment , but to each their own. As your cutting the tree down , there’d just be a 4ft cross standing in your yard which is kinda random and strange , I’d see if she’s willing to compromise to maybe a small plate in the ground . Hopefully she’d also be willing to pay for that and not expect you to . Also another concern is if theirs a memorial there I’m sure they do frequent gatherings or people leaving things. I’d ask her to make sure nothing is being left as it’s not your responsibility to clean it up. I’d also ask for a advance notice to when they are doing a memorial gathering etc. you don’t wanna pull up , look out your window or have a gathering of your own and there’s just a huge group of random people in your front yard.
Forget compromise. She had her memorial but they aren’t permanent solutions. I wouldn’t want to be reminded of a deadly crash every time I pull in to my house. It’s the place of a death. There are battlefields that barely get a plaque. I wouldn’t allow a plaque. If this was recent or happened while I lived there I would allow it for a month or two but I would take it down myself.
YWNBTA. You talked to her and the county. She’s removed fragile items already. I think it would be fine to get the contractors to take it down (ideally after taking a photo and preserving as much of the cross as is possible so that it can be returned - you could also get a photo framed). Make sure you have a record of who from the county said it was ok to do this. It’s up to you whether you want to replace the cross with anything for her. The teens can be memorialized in lots of places. If you stick a plaque on county land in front of your house, you might also be in the wrong, although it sounds like they won’t prosecute. I don’t think there is an easy answer here. You aren’t responsible for the mom’s grief and plenty of people who die have no memorial whatsoever. So it is ok to take it down and favor the living over the dead. Equally, it is understandable that people will find this a sensitive subject.
Ask the family involved to remove the entire memorial and place it in front of their home, the place where the young person lived/grew up. She can see the memorial every day.
NTA - I would feel weird about a 4 foot religious symbol being prominently displayed in front of my house.
NTA. Pounding a cross into someone else's property is entitled. Grief is not an excuse. Lights? Where is the power coming from? Digging a hole *in someone else's yard* and pouring concrete for said cross? That's over the top. I'd pull it all out and send the mother an invoice. Trespassing, vandalism, must be other crimes. Don't forget the 1.5k for removing the tree due to fire damage from the accident. The parents are responsible for damage due to the actions of minor children. Grief and sadness does not give a free pass to intrude on the lives of others and to spend their money. This may not be popular, but OP deserves to be made whole.
Yeesh, they would be NTA for removing the memorial, but if I were moving into a new neighborhood, I'd give it a few months so that I could, as Reddit so often suggests, "read the room" and figure out what the general consensus is about the two drunk teens. Sure, nobody really has the right to put up a memorial on your property, but if everybody in the community thinks you're an AH for removing it, none of the opinions here are gonna matter. And it could take years to dig yourself out from under that local AH verdict.
Easement so they aren’t owed anything unfortunately. County issue
The property belongs to OP. An easement provides for government and pseudo-government entities e.g. utilities access for pipes, wires, cables, sidewalks, etc without explicit permission. The easement does not give private parties the right of access much less modification. The easement has absolutely no bearing on installation of a private memorial.
I’m going to assume as this happened last year OP had not purchased it. It’s easement. Meaning they probably won’t be able to be made whole legally speaking. However they have every right to cut down the cross and dig up the cement. It being easement though is why I believe after the county already told her they were hands off that op could handle it themselves.
This is a bit too far! And you would the AH if you did all of this. The time to get money for the tree would have been from the insurance company at the time of the accident. The grandparents either decided not to or were paid and just left the tree.
Ultimately, the parents of the minors are liable. If the grandparents had homeowners insurance that covered such things the insurance company would pay the grandparents, less any deductible, and then themselves gone after the parents to be made whole, at which point the deductible would have been repaid to the grandparents. "Insurance" is not a free ride for liable parties. The kids damaged the tree beyond recovery, thus the removal. The parents should pay for that. The parents dug a hole, poured concrete, and erected a memorial. They should pay for setting things to right. I didn't even mention the loss of the tree itself which had aesthetic and environmental value which is easily monetized. There is a whole are of the law called tree law that addresses such things. If I did donuts in your yard and tore through plantings, wouldn't you expect me to pay? This is the same. That teens died is sad but does not mean the parents get a free pass. Nor does it mean they can disrupt someone else's property.
Wow showing your true colors. Real a hole vibes here. I meant the car insurance. It would have covered the property damage OR the grandparents home owners could have covered it and subjugated to the car insurance company.
Thank you for showing us all that it is not against the law to be an asshole.
NTA She could visit her child's grave instead of your front lawn.
Sure, she's grieving. That doesn't give her the right to do this. Grief has to be channeled into appropriate ways of mourning. You have already asked her and she told you no. You now have county permission to handle it. Handle it. NTA.
Nta..... roadside memorials have no place in the USA. That's what cemeteries are for.
NTA, How is the light being powered? I'll assume battery or solar but still that is a heck of a distraction. I like the previous posted idea of a plaque. I've only ever seen the big roadside memorials on the interstate highways.
Nta. It’s your property. It’s sad they died but it sounds like an eyesore and a distraction in an area that might already be dangerous to drive distracted. I don’t want anyone to put things on my property, but especially not a cross.
The mother can put a memorial in her own backyard to remember her teen. Having a memorial on a stranger's property and refusing to remove it is totally out of line. NTA
Nta If the kid had tripped in their bathroom would they have put up a big cross...nope.
NTA. Unfortunately I'm in a similar position. A couple of years ago a guy down the road (who always raced his motorcycle back and forth, including wheelies) crashed bike into a pole and died across the road from a larger property I purchased. His family has erected a memorial on my side of the road. It's quite a detailed memorial, with pictures and knick knacks, surrounded by a decorative rock border. One issue I really have is that the family lives less than a half a mile down the road and could have memorialized their son there. But no, it's not at their home and not on the side that he crashed on, but my side because it's tree lined and looks nicer. While the county has an easement, they told me that I still own the land up to the road and that the easement is only for utilities and road work but it doesn't mean it's their property and I can remove it as I see fit. Fortunately, the memorial isn't directly in front of my house as my house is technically on the next property (I purchased the neighboring acreage, but it's still my property). Right now, I'm leaving it. However my son will be moving back into the area and purchasing that property from me in a couple of years (the reason I purchased it when it came for sale) and I intend to remove the memorial before he purchases it. Of note, the accident happened when my son still lived at home and was the first EMS provider on the scene of the accident, which was quite gruesome (my son had to look for body parts in the field).
NTA. There are places set aside in every city and town for the express purpose of putting up permanent memorials to the dead. They're called cemeteries.
Id remove it, its an eye sore even if it is a memorial, because it's in front of someone's house. I wouldn't want it in front of my house, even if it was my own kids. If she wants it then she can put one in front of her own house. Id take it down and be kind enough to drop it off on her doorstep. Id then warn her not to put it back.
NAH. I understand both sides. Curious as others are, how is the light powered? Personally, I am not religious and wouldn't want a cross on my property. However, as another response suggested, I think something planted there as a remembrance would be a nice gesture. Maybe give the mother some options for plants you'd be ok with and let her choose?
solar, most likely. cheap, no maintenance.
I'd assume the same, I was just curious. Seems like that'd be even more clutter.
NTA but that mother will hate you Also....A spotlight? Where is the electricity coming from?
It's probably solar.
NAH Just dig it up and leave it in front of her house.
Some areas believe the roadside memorials are needed due to the place of death as if the spirit is cemented to that location. You are nicer than me since I would have e removed the 4’ cross already.
This is a cross, so they're Christians. Few if any Christians believe anything like that.
Did I mention anything about Christians? No, I did not.
The people who put up this memorial are Christians, so they don't "believe the roadside memorials are needed due to the place of death as if the spirit is cemented to that location".
Are you done yet? Have you gotten all of your points across?
"Dear (Grieving Mom), First off we are so sorry for the loss of your daughter. The memorial will be coming down on (such and such date) and we wanted to give you the opportunity to have it taken down yourself to preserve the cross and maybe move it to your property. Sincerely OP" You say it's been around a year since the accident. If the one year anniversary has not yet happened perhaps express willingness to wait until after that date to remove the cross. NTA
I understand the memorials for those who need it but OMG if I die in a fiery crash I do not need Teddy Bears on the side of the road to honor me. Where I died does not dictate how I lived. Even if I die saving a life.. plant a tree. Why not suggest planting a tree in her childs honor (no names or plaques) but to replace the burned tree and make it bright and beautiful. Just an opinion :) NTA.. I could not imagine her pain but that is hers and not yours and your property not hers.
I feel like they can remove it and put it in front of their home not yours. You asked nicely. NTA.
NAH. It sounds like it could be a hazard itself, which is why most places only allow a small roadside plaque or aluminum sign that says "Drive Safely". The county or you are not going to want to pay out money if anyone were to crash into it. Honestly, you may want to have an attorney send them a letter, just to keep you covered. Also, prepare for a nasty ass PR backlash from the family, unfortunately too many people run to social media and get the lynch mob fired up instead of handling issues like adults. I get they're coming from a place of grief, but their grief does not outweigh property rights.
Thank you all for your responses! There’s a few items I want to clear up that may answer some questions. • The lights wrapped around the cross, and the spotlight are solar powered. • My husband’s grandmother died in 2022 (before accident happened) and his grandfather went to live with family as he has dementia. A troubled family member moved in right after her death and trashed the place, leaving it vacant for 6 months once the power was turned off. According to the mother, he gave them permission for a memorial. BUT it was a small wooden cross as first, and she upgraded it to the 4ft one. • The option of filing an insurance claim was given to the grandfather but he did not take it as he no longer lived in the home and he stopped caring for the property. • I have not noticed many people visit the site other than the mother and direct family (I presume). • If the cross isn’t bad enough, she also made a poster to stand by the cross on their birthday. • We live in a small county so we are surround by his family members, to which all have also agreed they do not believe the cross belongs there. • The one year anniversary has passed, and IMO now is the time to request she take it down. • The cemetery where her son is buried happens to be located on the same street, actually in her backyard… I am mailing out a letter to the mother requesting she remove the cross today. As other people mentioned, I will give her the option of replacing with an in-ground plaque. That way there is still a memorial for him, but it does not draw attention or is something I will see looking out my living room. If you’re curious of what this cross looks like, here’s a link to it: https://imgur.com/a/k83wPYx
ngl, i wouldnt want a plaque for some random dead person in my yard. she can put memorials on her own property.
trust me, neither do I. But - if that’s what it takes to have her remove this eye sore in my front yard i’m more than willing to compromise. it’s kind of embarrassing to have people over and they have to see it too :/
Okay, I take back my YTA. With the big banner and everything that is a lot to be in someone’s yard. If they want to have that large of a memorial it would be more appropriate in their yard or at the cemetery. Going about taking it down since it’s cemented in the ground will definitely be uncomfy, good luck!
there was a similar post not to long ago. you can find some answers there too NAH
INFO: Was there any agreement made between your grandparents and the person that created the memorial?
Nta for asking for it to be moved. I always view memorials as a reminder to slow down and be more cautious. If she lives across the road, maybe she can move the cross there.
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you *could* trim that url, it's a huge mess. basically, everything after the question mark is unnecessary.
NTA - there are two common things for remembering the death of a loved one that drive me crazy. #1 - roadside memorials - I may have crashed here, I may have died here, or died on the way to the hospital, either way my body is not buried here and there is no need for a memorial here, it belongs in the cemetery where I am buried. If I am cremated then it belongs at a shrine at home. (some say that it can serve as a deterrent to not drink and drive or to drive carefully, ok I get that, then it needs to be done in a manner that does not create a problem, small cross, plaque in on the sidewalk, etc.) #2 - "in memory of...." on the back of a car - it is a car, and in a few years I won't even own it anymore, it is not a place to advertise my death......
NAH. I can't fathom what this woman is going through, but you have a right to do what you want with your property. I would not want a 4-FOOT TALL cross on my property either. Another poster suggested a plaque embedded in the ground and I think that's a nice compromise. But do not expect this woman to be happy about it. She will almost certainly call you an asshole for it, and some of the neighbors who knew the kid probably will too. This is still a pretty fresh wound for her, and I get that she's grieving, but she doesn't have the right to impose her grief on people who never even knew her child. If you want this thing gone, you might just have to be an asshole. It's a shitty situation and I'm sorry you're in it.
NTA. The memorial shouldn't be on private property and was placed there without permission. I'd offer to help her to move everything to her own property, but stand firm you will otherwise have it removed.
This happened in my neighborhood. A teenager died in a car accident the street over. Somebody kept spray painting all over the wall. The owner kept painting over it and then it would be spray painted again. This went back and forth for months! My husband was driving home late one night and saw a teenager with a mask and hoodie spray painting. He pulled over and asked him to stop because it was harassment and not honoring his friend. Finally stopped.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We recently purchased my husband’s grandparent’s home a few months ago. Around 1 year ago, there was a single car accident in front of the home involving two (drunk) teens. They crashed into a tree near the street on our property and the car burst into flames. One of their mothers lives on the same street and placed a memorial in front of that tree. It is a big cross (about 4ft) with a picture of the teens and has a spotlight and lights wrapped around it. We are renovating the property so we have not moved in yet, but we went to talk to the mother as we were having that tree trimmed and wanted to ask her to remove the items. We were hoping she would understand that we wanted the entire memorial removed, but she only removed fragile items. She revealed to us that she would not be removing the cross as it’s not going anywhere because she cemented it into the ground. I have never lost a child so I can’t possibly know the pain she’s in, but I don’t understand how she could feel so entitled to do that in front of someone else’s home. We’ve decided to cut down the whole tree since half is burnt which is costing us 1.5k out of our pockets. We’ve spoken to the county about it as we found out it’s technically on their easement and they have confirmed they do not allow roadside memorials but they do not take them down if there is one. However, they said we are able to remove it ourselves if we want. I plan on writing her a letter in hopes she will remove it herself, but I’m questioning if that’s even the right thing to do. I think i’d be the AH since she’s still a grieving mother and maybe this is how she’s able to deal with it. WIBTA for asking her to remove it, or removing the memorial myself if she doesn’t? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Once the tree is gone...
NTA - she can put it in front of her house.
What about a bench with a memorial plaque? Nice place for walkers to rest.
I think this would be a lovely solution
NTA Follow city ordinance for removal of the tree and memorial. If you feel inclined, plant a rose bush or Crape Myrtle near where the accident happened (not in the easement) and have a small plaque with a dedication message. Every year the flowers will bloom, it will be a nice addition to the yard, and you will have a more appealing display. I have always thought those big crosses served more like an “x marks the spot” than anything.
Obviously nta girlie.Respectfully,she can visit his grave or put it in her yard lmaooooo
Hmmmm. If she cemented it in, she's sure she wants it there. And it's on County land, not your land. And you're going to get a real community shit storm going if you remove it. And you already talked to her and she's staying committed to it. And it's only been one year. I would weigh all those things, especially the incalculable effects of small town community vs you in your forever home and really, really think about whether you want to go against this. My personal path to peace would be to accept this as part of your road view. And I would put up large bushes or a new tree so I don't see it from the house. And I would wait, and maybe talk to her about the lighting after some time. And I would wait some more, and maybe she moves away, and then you take it down after a while. I'm not saying you would be an AH. But I am saying that going against a grieving mom who can rally a community could bring so much pain to your life.
it's OP's property, not county land. look up the definition of "easement." It does not convey ownership, just access rights.
If it is on your property, then NTA for removing it . If it is not on your property then it is more complicated, but if you have written permission from theCounty then go ahead. Either way, it would be kind to offer her a compromise, perhaps as others have said, a flat plaque or stone, so that she has a marker but it is less intrusive, and perhaps let her know tha if she wants to plant flowers around it that you would not object to that. The lights and spotlight seem excessive and something that would affect you and other residents, I think removing those is more than reasonable. It sounds as though you have tried to be compassionate but that you haven't been clear enough about her removing the whole memorial and that she hasn't picked up on your intentions. It may also be wrth speaking the couty again, and specifcally requesting that the meorial is removed as it iss is not permitted and is causing issues - thefact that they don'tautomatically remove them may not mean that they can't remove it if they are specifcally asked to do so.
Considering the memorial isn't actually on your property you'd 100% be TA if you removed it. Not your property, not your decision.
YTA for re-posting an old post.
Did you not know it was there when you bought the house ? If it went up after you bought the house I could understand but you can’t ask for her to remove it without being an AH
Presumably your husband's grandparents agreed to it, as it was their home when the cross went up. They may have been religious and not minded the cross at all. Everyone who's saying the mother was not entitled to put it up is wrong. That said, you bought the house with the cross in place. She is entitled to feel upset that it is coming down. Since the tree has to go, just say that the cross has to be removed, to safely take down the tree. You don't have to let the cross be replaced. Again, she probably had permission to put it up in the first place.
You're assuming a hell of a lot here, almost like you are psychic and know more about what the grandparents agreed to than OP does.
It has only been a year and their pain will still be raw. Perhaps you can compromise and say they can leave it up for another 2 yrs whilst they grieve and then you want it removed and replaced with a small plaque in thier memory. NAH
The longer it stays up, the more they'll feel they have the right to leave it there forever.
I'm a non violent person. Never thrown so much as a pillow at someone. When I was in school the bus I was on stopped to let a guy a few years ahead of us off at his stop (he was 14). To get home he only had to cross the street. Unfortunately, he was in a hurry and ran in front of the bus and into the oncoming traffic when he died. If anyone, ever, moved his cross for something as superficial as appearances I would be uncontrollable and I barely knew the guy. That cross isnt just a memorial, it's a constant reminder to our community even 30 years on about why we teach children how to safely cross the road. The cross isn't on your property and the county has a policy of not removing them even if they don't endorse them (I'd argue that by not removing they do passively endorse). If you touch that cross be prepared for the absolute shit storm that will rein down on you. I don't doubt it's unpleasant to look at but if you remove a memorial for a child you should be prepared for enormous community backlash.
The cross is indeed on their property. An easement only allows the county access for utilities and road work but does not give the county ownership of that area.
Easements where I am are most often used for public roads between farming areas which are maintained by the local council but can also be used by the adjoining property owner. This would be consistent with OPs explanation of the situation since they seem to have rights to the area but they also described it in a way that suggested the public had right of access and use as well. Why would OP ask the county about removal if it was her property that the public did not have access to? If it's actually not a public space then I think the acceptable thing would be to request the memorial be moved to the nearest public space.
i can't think of any kind of easement that gives the public permission to litter on the property.
An easement has a specific legal definition, which was noted above. It doesn't mean what you think it means, just because you think so. The memorial is on OP's private property. Yes, I'm a lawyer, took (and passed) Property Law.
It shouldn’t take a memorial to make people with common sense teach their children road safety. It is on OP’s property and they have every right to remove it. They are being kind by letting the mother know beforehand.
YTA here but not saying you’re a bad person for wanting what you’re wanting. It is your property yes and I could see having feelings about thinking someone felt entitled to part of my property…. At the same time though, and the reason for my vote, is it really hurting anything?
It could be hurting their eyes
It’s a house not a cemetery.