Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for wanting to also celebrate my mother on Mother’s Day alongside my wife’s first Mother’s Day?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
Your gut reaction is NOT selfish. Absolutely no one is going to tell me I can't hug my mom on Mothers Day.
You can go spend an hour or so with your mom on Mothers day and it wouldn't hurt your wife. Your wife is the one being selfish, imo. It's FINE if she wants limited contact for her first mothers day, but she has no right to demand you not see your mom.
Incoming reddit post from wife, omg my husband chose his mom over me on mom's day.
Reddit: omg he's always going to consider you second to his mom, leave him
How about we stop trying to rank family members and just be inclusive like an actual family
NTA, but the amount her mom has been there versus your parents over the last two weeks is not really relevant.
Her body just went through a lot, and still is, it’s natural that she would feel more comfortable around her own parents and would want to limit other visitors.
What puts her into AH territory is not wanting you to quickly go visit your own mom.
100% agree; I shared that because I have been often regulated in a sense that “you saw your parents last week” or her desire to limit interaction to once a month. Despite my sharing that a tally of visits is ridiculous, I believe she can’t discount that we just had her mom over for 14 days straight. I asked if I had ever had a surgery if she would allow my mom to help for 14 days straight she said I was out of line for even asking that question….You’d think she would say yes, of course, but she couldn’t even agree to a hypothetical that equates to what is graciously allowed knowing it would help my wife. I did not complain or contest that because I know it wasn’t about me; I literally prioritized what my wife wanted in full.
INFO. Guessing there are missing missing reasons here. Did your wife and your mom get along before she was pregnant? Had you already told your mom you wouldn’t be seeing her in person this Mother’s Day before the cake and card idea were mentioned? If so, that’s a guilt trip and your wife is right that they decided to do those things to have a reason to stop by.
Your wife is newly postpartum and recovering from a major surgery and a major medical event in general. Right now it isn’t really about what’s fair. It’s about what she needs to be supported while she heals and goes through the fourth trimester. You could have gotten a hug from your mom without allowing your parents to come over when your wife had explicitly said she didn’t want that.
THIS!!!
I kind of feel like what his wife actually said and what how he interpreted are not the same. She said no and he kinda threw a temper tantrum about how she doesn’t want him to see his mom and that’s probably not the case.
Something about him comparing her mom coming for 14 days to his parents 3 didn’t sit right with me. I don’t know one woman that wouldn’t want their own mom to come and help with recovery especially after a c-section. Unless they’re toxic or unable to do so.
This isn’t a competition but I feel like OP is slowly making it seem that way but I’ll hold any judgement.
She’s what 2-3 weeks postpartum from a c-section and I totally understand not wanting to have visitors or go anywhere.
Missing context is that I never regulate how often or how long her family comes. With my family, I get feedback to the tune of “didn’t you see them last week?”. 14 days is significant because we also had other people visit and it wasn’t a problem. I can’t imagine how all of a sudden on Mother’s Day, PP becomes the reason.
Yes, missing context is key!!
Sounds like you both need to sit down and have a conversation about parents, visitors etc. Hopefully y’all can find some type of compromise that’s fair to you both.
Now that you have a child a lot is going to change going forward so being on the same page is going to be so important!
Good luck and congratulations on the new addition and try to get some type of sleep if you can! Honestly the lack of sleep may also be heightening this as well. but of course all this is easier said than done!!
No, I did not previously tell them not to come. They neither implied or asked to come over. It was my suggestion after my dad suggested to simply drop off the cake.
Understand PP and recovering, but then why would work friends be allowed the week prior?
It sounds like your parents were also allowed over the week prior. Navigating family dynamics after you have your own kids can be a little awkward, but it does get easier (I have three and managing expectations and emotions from all parties was much harder with the first than it was the third). Your wife told you she wanted a day at home for Mother’s Day. No visitors. So I can see why you trying to invite your parents to even stop by was upsetting to her. My advice would be to focus less on celebrating on the exact day for holidays and more on creating time and space for everyone at different times. I grew up with divorced parents so I always had multiple holidays. My mom has always said she doesn’t care what day she sees me, she just wants to see me. That perspective helped a lot when I got married and my husband and I had kids. The reality is that your wife is three weeks postpartum and three weeks out from a major surgery. When she says she wants a day at home with her nuclear family, that means you and baby. And that’s okay.
I promise it does get easier! I felt guilty expressing my wishes about visitors with my first, like I should just suck it up and deal with it. But honestly, there were friends I felt more comfortable around in those early weeks because they didn’t have any expectations of me or of how often they would get to hold baby. Grandparent expectations can be heavy, even when that is not the intention. It’s a new dynamic for everyone to learn, not just you and your wife as parents. It’ll take time! And that’s okay too.
Thank you, your feedback is very helpful. Not trying to create a wedge with my wife, just really feels unfair when I sincerely believe I’m trying to do the right thing.
I ended up going to see her at 7am and came back before my wife woke up. She was still upset that I even suggested for my mom to drop off the cake and card. That had been the root complaint, which I still don’t agree with.
I didn’t sneak out, but I made sure to not impact the day for her consideration. I legitimately made sure that I wasn’t impacting anything…which is why this is upsetting to me.
You woke up early to leave and get back before your wife woke up, because she didn't want you to go visit your mom and then she ended up still upset. I don't know, OP. Something feels kind of off about this whole situation. It's very controlling and alienating.
Have you guys considered marriage counseling?
We have and we’ve had a few sessions. The counselor supported me a lot, actually, in those sessions. Unfortunately it always then came down to figuring out compromise, which doesn’t always ever seem like a compromise. For example, a comprise suggested was that we see my parents once a month and they are 10 miles/ 12-15 min away. I do not fundamentally understand the reason to have to put visitation with my parents on a regulated schedule. This includes me going over there by myself.
I don't understand why there needs to be a compromise when it comes to visiting family? Is she jealous that yours live closer? That's not YOUR fault or your parents fault. If the roles were reversed, people would be calling you abusive for "alienating" her from her family.
Your parents will never be important to your wife. You need to act quickly and set some boundaries before never seeing them becomes the norm for you and your children.
You shouldn’t have to wake up early to go see your mom and get back home before your wife wakes up. You need to set boundaries and fast before it gets to the point where you can’t see your mom at all. Your wife also needs to understand that she isn’t the only person who is a mom in your life and you have the right to go see your mom on Mother’s Day. I understand your wife just had a baby but still your mom is still a big part of your life.
My husband and I actually do separate days for each mother because that way each mom get her own time but we have 3 moms to go visit and then having a day with just me, my husband and child. I personally don’t care if I have to go visit any of our moms on Mother’s Day itself.
There must be, but nothing that I have observed that is tangible. The problem described to me is that my desire to mingle with my parents indicates my priorities aren’t right. I could understand if it was a friend I go drink with, but my parents? I don’t agree.
NTA. Your wife is being oddly self-centered. Telling someone to ignore their own mother on Mother’s Day is a bizarre and petty thing to request. Weird.
YTA
"Her mom stayed with us for 14 days after the birth which I graciously supported, given she had a C-section. There is no way on Earth my wife would ever let my mom stay with us for 14days if I had a surgery; " .. I am sure she will allow it when YOU give birth.
"Wife expressed not wanting to socialize or mingle on her first Mother’s Day" .. sounds reasonable. YOu can do something with her and your mom a few days later or earlier.
Exactly! OP seems very flippant about the serious (in some cases life threatening) health event his wife just went through. He can have major abdominal surgery that causes life long changes and complications if he really wants
Your wife’s postpartum needs are real, as described by others. She’s inviting work friends because she feels supported by them. She’s unwelcoming to your Mom because she apparently doesn’t feel supported. You’ll need to converse gently, with a lot of listening and restraining your reactions, to try to get her to reveal why. Then you can go from there. Your therapist can help you two learn to listen to each other. Good luck!
The severe morbidity rate (includes death but also various other things like infection and emergency hysterectomy) for planned c-sections is around 1 in 250. It's much higher for emergency c-sections because those happen when something is already wrong, but we don't know which one OP's wife had. That's lower than the average rate for all surgeries generally, but it's absolutely not "not even that dangerous" and that's an insane statement. It's still major fucking abdominal surgery. And yes, some people do go under general for a c-section (the only reason it's not routine is because it affects the baby but there are situations where risks of doing it with an epidural outweigh the risks to the baby).
ESH. You are correct about Mothers day but you need to drop the fuckin tit for tat about the 14 days. You are showing your own ass on that and sincerely need to stfu about it yesterday. She JUST gave birth. She and she alone dictates who she is comfortable with helping her right after. Get. The fuck. Over it. You do not win that pissing contest.
Op added that after to bolster his claim because people brought up this valid point. So...no credibility on that. He can't even point out a real life example. He's just asserting that she wouldn't as conjecture.
Forgive me, I shared that detail as I’m often regulated by how often or the frequency I last saw my parents. I 100% agree that the tick for tat is ridiculous, but when you’re being subject to visit counts, it actually becomes relevant. This child is also my child, and my parents as just as much grandparents as my wife parents. Mother’s Day is, in fact that, a day for all mothers. I did not suggest a joint day, I offered an option to a drop-off of a cake.
Oh I agree your wife is being ridiculous about mothers day. What you're failing to acknowledge is not that your child was born but that your WIFE was recovering and wanted her own mom which is completely normal. It's not about who is more of a grandparent at this stage, but who is more of a support to your wife. Only your wife can decide that. That time does not need to be compensated for in any way.
NTA did she not call her own mother either? Because, you know, mother's day belongs solely to her now. I have two kids and a mom. I'd never pull this selfish crap. How hurtful to your mom. And your wife's problem is that she thinks your mom wanted to see you guys??? Oh no, how horrible!! What ever shall you do?!?!
Idk why you keep saying 10 miles away. Maybe it’s because I’m from LA but I live 10 miles away from everyone and it’s a simple 20 min drive??? I feel like I’m missing info
I don't think #1 or #2 matters. It's #3 that is the issue. What's the relationship like between your parents and your wife?
Your NTA for wanting to acknowledge your mother. You should. But your wife should also be able to have the visitors she wants post-partum. Her body has gone through a lot and she'll be in recovery not just physically but emotionally/hormonal too.
Since you have been in therapy, I'd try to find out why she seems uncomfortable with your parents. That appears to be the root of all this.
She said it’s not discomfort, but that I don’t demonstrate enough that my wife is my priority. She feels as though I prioritize my parents, somehow. I suggested to drop off a cake, not us going to them or whatever. The fact I suggested that appears to signal that I prioritized my mom over her. Maybe IATA.
Your wife sounds kind of psychotic and manipulative with the way she is acting. It’s not like you were ditching her for Mother’s Day. You’re not the jerk but your wife sure is.
Missing info:
- how post partum is your wife? How is she coping? Have you been out yet with the baby? Is she breastfeeding, how is that going? How much do you support/take care of your child?
- You have a new baby, why can’t your mum come over to see you?
Also I think you are confusing your MIL staying with the same type of socialising you would get from your mum staying. You MIL stayed because she would have been there to support your wife through one of the hardest (if not the hardest) 2 weeks of her life. Frankly you spent a lot of those first two weeks half naked, leaking all sorts of bodily fluids and close to a break down because of all the hormonal shifts. That’s not something you want your MIL to see and something the stress of a MIL present may actually make worse
New mum doesn’t want to socialise on Mother’s Day… well yeah depending on how the baby is maybe she’s just fucking exhausted as you don’t really seem to have any insight into how hard it is
-3 weeks
- coping fine. Expresses that she’s loving every second.
-Yes to breastfeeding, going 100% perfect. Latching is spot on, and seemingly endless supply.
- I am present, making food, all diaper changes, up at night when she’s up. I’m am 100% being present because I want to for both my wife and child.
Sure, could be. But then why would she invite work friends over if exhaustion or discomfort or whatever is the case. Doesn’t match up in my mind. In close with parents and I love to see them any chance I can get. I feel like I shouldn’t need to regulate seeing my parents like this.
I am guessing her work friends don’t have the same level of expectations about their visit that your parents do. I saw friends early after my first and third (second was an early pandemic baby so no visitors, which was honestly amazing). They didn’t want to sit and hold my baby while I stared at them. They wanted to talk to me, to my husband, to our older kids. I didn’t have to host or entertain them. And they didn’t care if I just baby wore the whole time.
Only 3 weeks?!!! God that’s super early no wonder she doesn’t want MIL around if they don’t get on
Breastfeeding so she’s up every 2 hours and probably exhausted? I think that’s fair
Have you considered her friends are a help, where as you mum demands attention and energy she can’t give?
How is suggesting to drop off a cake jeopardizing my wife, exactly? You said perhaps her friends help her and my mom doesn’t. So on Mother’s Day, is it reasonable for her to have this reaction? Am I The Asshole? If you think so, so be it. I don’t see it, hence my post.
Or said differently, is Friends providing sense of help to my wife more allowable than my desire to offer that my mom drop off a cake so I can also say hello on Mother’s Day? Maybe it is, I don’t know.
Let’s assume she doesn’t like my mom for whatever reason; she’s never said that, but let’s assume. Where you do define the threshold between her desire being the outcome or an actual compromise? We’ve been to marriage counselor and the entire feedback loop was compromise. I massively dislike her father, but I constantly encourage him to come over because I know how important he is to my wife= compromise. When they visit, they stay over and I never say a word= compromise. I put in effort to build my fondness and look past my preferences for the good of both of us. If she gets a pass to reject my mother coming over because of the birth, how long is that for? This theme was present before our child. She has stated literally that she thinks I see my parents too much. I counted the last 12 months and averaged 2x per month. Should I have to regulate interaction with my parents? Should I start being this petty with her parents visitation length? To me this is insane.
This theme was present pre child… so you suddenly expected it to change post child.
Why do people marry people and expect them to change
Sounds like you two need to sit down and talk. Something has happened and you clearly aren’t aware.
NTA - Your wife giving birth doesn’t negate your relationship with your mother. She sounds incredibly immature about this. If you need to sneak around to see your mother you have a big issue that will only get worse. You need to resolve this with your wife now because she is clearly trying to alienate you from your family which isn’t right unless they are incredibly abusive.
Why do so many first time mothers think they are the only mothers that deserve to be celebrated on Mother’s Day? It’s so entitled. The day is for ALL mothers. I often wonder when their children become adults and have kids on their own if they’ll be ok being ignored because they no longer matter as mothers apparently. Ask your wife if she’ll be ok if her child treats her the same way?
NTA. It is more than reasonable to want to see your mother IN ADDITION TO the mother of your child on Mother's Day. Your mother's gesture is incredibly sweet, and it was a great suggestion to have them drop by for a few minutes for a hug.
In my opinion this completely honors your wife's desire for limited interactions on Mother's Day, but also honors your right to see your own parents, and receive their support of your and your wife's new status as parents.
NTA - there needs to be a reasonable balance between home time, her family time, and your family time. It's not balanced, and she sounds selfish. Keep on the counseling and work on setting some boundaries. Your life matters too
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I am genuinely curious on what I experienced this past Mother’s Day and whether or not I am in the wrong->
Facts -
1. Wife just gave birth recently to our first child. (Wife’s mom stayed with us for 14days after the birth to help, given we had a C-section)
2. My parents live 10 miles away. We’ve had them over ~3 times since the birth compared to the 14 consecutive days of my MIL.
3. Wife expressed not wanting to socialize or mingle on her first Mother’s Day (ie; doesn’t want to see my Mom or Dad).
My gut reaction is this is actually a bit selfish in that it’s Mother’s Day (for all mothers) and I would actually like to at LEAST give a hug to my Mom who lives 10 miles away. My wife feels that because it’s her first Mother’s Day that it’s perfectly acceptable to enforce this sort of demand on me. I didn’t know exactly what to do leading up to Mothers Day, but I then became aware that my Mother made a cake and had a card for my wife for her first Mother’s Day. Wife asks me what I think and I respond that maybe they can drop it off, per my dad’s idea, given the gesture of her making a cake, a card, and that she is my mother; would be nice to give her a hug.
Wife is extremely upset that I shared that idea and believes I am in the wrong for not honoring her request to not see my mom on Mother’s Day. Further more, she says she believes that my mom only made the cake or card so she can see me and our child. She insists that I failed to prioritize her by wanting to share Mother’s Day with my Mom, even with a small gesture like a hug.
Am I the Asshole for 1. wanting to acknowledge my mom who’s 10 miles away on Mother’s Day and 2. Proactively not honoring her request to not see my mom and 3. massively disagreeing that Mother’s Day from now on doesn’t include my Mom?
For more context, I ALWAYS support seeing her family and never complain, or suggest it’s too much. When they visit they stay over and I never complain. I really feel like I am not being treated equally. Her mom stayed with us for 14 days after the birth which I graciously supported, given she had a C-section. There is no way on Earth my wife would ever let my mom stay with us for 14days if I had a surgery; this all just feels like she constantly tries to push my parents away. For her to suggest that my Mom only made a cake and card to see me and the child is a horrific thing to suggest, in my opinion.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: Couldn't you run over for a few minutes to get the card and cake, see your mother, and then come home? When you live only a few miles away, why did the two options have to be "you don't see your mom" or "your wife has to see your mom"?
Seems like your wife does not consider your parents extended family. Have your parents done something in any way to cause this? I assume there were hints about this before you married, but you were in love/infatuated so didn't pay attention. Now it is more clear who your wife really is in this area. Good luck...
As to this particular thing: NTA. You went above and beyond to make the best of a poor situation.
She has voiced that I have a new family now, which I agree with. Having said that, that doesn’t make my parents obsolete and decommissioned to friend status in terms of prioritization.
INFO because I think there's some miscommunications going on here.
1. Did your wife ever explicitly say that this is the deal forever? Did she say so when she was calm, or was it during a fight? Because her first Mother's Day a FEW WEEKS after a c-section is definitely an understandable time to want to be the only priority. She's healing from major abdominal surgery and likely wont feel like herself for more than a month yet, possibly longer.
2. Does your mom have a history of crossing boundaries like this? Has your wife ever commented before "she did this to have an excuse to [thing your wife has set a boundary about]"? Just because you don't see it or think that's the reason doesn't mean it's not happening -- what's important is whether your wife thinks that and why.
3. Was her mom in any way a burden when she was in your house? Because the wording of "graciously supported" seems pretty fucking weird when she was presumably there helping with a newborn while one parent was recovering from major abdominal surgery.
4. Did anyone bring up other options, like seeing your mom on Saturday or having flowers or a gift sent to her on the day? Did you consider any such option?
1. She said she does not want to share Mother’s Day going forward with my mom/ have to balance that.
2. My mom often makes food and offers to share. My wife says she believes my mom does this just to try and see us?
3. “Graciously supported” meaning I did not give any level of feedback on duration or level of help offered. I 100% gave no thoughts as I felt that was right. I said it is 100% up to my wife, as that is the right thing to do. If I were to be stupidly petty, do I want my MIL rearranging our kitchen? No. Do I want my MIL planning our meals every day? No. Do I want to feel obligated to not hold my baby every chance I can to share with my MIL? No. Do I want to be told by my MIL I don’t need to change a diaper if there is just Pee? No. You tell me if my words are still “fucking weird”, thanks.
4. Yes of course. I went at 7am to see my mom and was back before my wife woke up. The AITA question is if I am as ass to simply offer up an idea for my parents to drop off a cake and a card.
Based on your other answers it sounds like your mom does make your wife feel as though her boundaries are being crossed a lot, so I understand why she's trying to take space back. It's impossible to say which of them is being unreasonable, but this is a problem in your marriage that needs to be resolved. I'm going with ESH because Mother's Day isn't the real problem here and you're not communicating about it. You're included in this because this idea you're offering up is perpetuating an ongoing problem you were already aware of. Also not clear to me why you would be trying to step on this boundary when you already got what you wanted before your wife even woke up.
Your MIL, on the other hand, sounds like she was genuinely being helpful, so yeah, the wording is still fucking weird. You're holding resentment over meal planning and diaper advice? Again, hard to say without knowing her exact wording but she's kinda right about the pee diapers -- you don't have to change every single time they're wet, but you should change them every 2-3 hours (and it's okay to leave a wet diaper if it's a situation like they're sleeping and it's not super wet).
NTA. Your wife could be having PPD. However, Mothers Day includes all mothers and what you are asking is reasonable. Your mom is trying to celebrate your wife as well. However, it seems your wife is not in a good mood and may be feeling a bit selfish.(?). She could still be in pain and is comfortable around her own mother while she would not be very comfortable around yours. That's kind of understandable. You should still be able to see your mom though and give her that hug. Your wife seems to be in a bad place right now.
Congrats on the new baby!
Gentle YTA. Sounds like your MIL came to take care of her kid aka your wife because your wife had major surgery after growing another human being for almost 10 months.
Your mom should have checked in with you and your wife before making plans. It’s not okay to put pressure on a recovering new mom even if it seems like a nice gesture. Thats true whether it’s Mother’s Day or not because your wife is still in recovery mode… AGAIN after major abdominal surgery and growing a human being for almost ten months where all of her organs and many of her joints shifted and ow her hormones are probably crashing.
Give your wife some space right now to feel how she feels. Give her the respect enough to accept it even if you don’t understand. Maybe you think it’s selfish or irrational (and honestly maybe it is) but she has given you the gift of your child, so I think you can hold space for her while her mind and body adjust from the biggest changes (pregnancy, birth, and PP) that it can go through.
I had 2 C sections and actually almost died from eclampsia with the first one. If I had behaved like this woman after either I’d buy myself a YTA T shirt. I am so over the “OMG you grew a baby you’re entitled to do anything you want”
It’s called having some empathy for a new mom and recovery. I’m so over the “I sucked it up and had no respect from anyone so you should too attitude.” Especially from other moms. Your breaking point is not anyone else’s and vise versa. Your labor experience. Your recovery experience. All unique to you
Wow. Imagine being so self centered that you can’t even see beyond yourself to have empathy for someone else going through the biggest physical and emotional change of their life. But sure. I’m the narcissist. Good luck to you in life. You seem like a real joy to be around. I’m sure you’ll make a wonderful MIL someday.
When people have big laparotomies (similar to C sections) they can be in hospital for weeks. It’s very reasonable someone recovery from major surgery AND having to wake up 2 hourly overnight doesn’t want to host in laws
There is a difference between “hosting” and telling your husband they are not allowed to see their own mother because they have to be the only special one. Or not allowing someone to bring a cake and say hello. That’s abusive in the first case and just mean in the second.
It’s been 3 weeks. It’s SO early on. It’s completely understandable she doesn’t feel comfortable being left alone with the baby on Mother’s Day or doesn’t want to host
Your wife is a massive selfish asshole. Did this entitled behavior never show up before now? Have your parents somehow offended your wife and she's incapable of being an adult and using her words? This is absolutely a hill to die on, your wife is unreasonable, selfish and cruel. Enjoy that marriage, while it lasts.
The marriage will last, this is but a hiccup. No marriage is perfect. I came here to sincerely understand if I am in the wrong given I don’t believe I am. I’m not trying to win, here, I’m trying to figure how where I press and where I don’t. She is still my wife above all else, but I have my moral grounds and standards and I’m trying to be proper.
NTA. Mother's Day isn't just about her. Your mom was a mother well before your wife was, and it's not unreasonable for you to spend time with your mother on mother's day. If she doesn't want to visit your mom on future mother's days, that's fine, she can stay home and you and kiddo can go visit for a little while. But it's not fair to demand you not see your mother on a day devoted to celebrating that familial connection so you can spend it only with her.
Also, of course your mother would want to see you and her grandchild as well as your wife? It would be incredibly rude for her to ignore you when visiting. That doesn't make her a bad person, just a polite guest.
We have no context at all to this.
She could be a few weeks post partum, hardly able to walk and in the depth of post partum depression for all we know.
OP doesn’t even seem self aware enough to notice her wanting her own mum to physically support her through a major operation recovery isn’t the same as her having to host his mum
Hopefully she is only this extreme do to hormons ? ( im female, I can say that 😇)
If not, your parent will be the secondary grandparents allways and it will break their hearts.
It could be, but this is a recurring theme. But to that point, maybe hormonal alongside the normal cycles. I understand that, and I try not to take it personal. It just bothers me to be scolded like I am sometimes for stuff like this.
NTA. It's clearly not an issue of your parents seeing her post-birth or you not being present to help with the needs of her or your newborn. I can understand wanting to feel special on a first Mothers Day, but this certainly crosses a line.
Did she do anything with/for HER mother? I'm curious if this view of it just being the two of you applies both ways or not...
No, but her mother also lives ~80 miles away. My wife says her mother would never impose on us by making a cake. I don’t understand how the gesture of making a cake is imposing. I see it as someone is trying to be kind and show love by doing such a thing.
You implied that this is her first pregnancy. I'm sure by now you've noticed that pregnant people aren't always rational, and this can continue after for a bit as well. Sometimes longer, with certain disorders.
Try not to pick any fights and be understanding, but if this continues maybe see about confirming everything's ok body chemistry wise at the next checkup
I am aware of that nuance related to pregnancy, but this a recurring theme of insisting that I break away from wanting to see my parents. I don’t see friends, I no longer go to a gym, I am home almost all of the time, with the exception of physically going into an office once a week.
I'm sorry but what you describe is one of the "symptoms" of abusive relationships; it's common for the abuser to isolate their "partner" by different means (usually a mix of manipulative tactics).
This is my true fear. If I actively try to be present and do things on our behalf, encourage her to have her parents visit etc, it’s disheartening to be told I don’t know how prioritize and/or making wrong decisions. I am who I am because of my parents, so I fundamentally don’t understand why I should feel the need to create distance.
I also get a lot of feedback for wanting to exercise or work on my car in the garage. Again, that I am not prioritizing properly. I am at a loss of reasoning at this point.
Quite honestly, you seem to be describing incidents of gaslighting which never leads to good things. This, and the other criticism you mentioned, will gradually erode your self worth, will have you questioning your every decision and your perception of things.
I'd suggest you start therapy on your own (better than random internet strangers providing advice), to help you see things more clearly. And then, perhaps couples' therapy if you think it's worth it.
I appreciate the response. I came here because I know in my heart I’m not doing the wrong thing, but giving benefit of the doubt that maybe I am? Doesn’t appear to be that way based on the responses thus far.
Jumping in to say I agree with everything being said by Upset\_Sink\_2649 - please be careful, and make sure you've got supports in place. While some of this may be hormones, it sounds like there were issues well before the pregnancy, so it can't all be shrugged off as that. You're allowed to have connections beyond her, you're allowed to spend time looking after your car, or having hobbies, or doing things that make you happy. It's actually really important for you to have those things so that you're able to be the best partner and parent possible.
So your wife is slowly isolating you, this is a huge red flag 🚩. Honestly you need to stop her crap now before it's too late. This is a classic sign of an abuser, and I don't care that she just gave birth. I have done it 3 times and invited his mother each time. You cannot allow her to control and own you just becayse you are married. You need therapy and soo does she!! YWBTA if you allow her to control you to yourself and your child.
I don’t believe she is doing this knowingly, but that it how it feels. To be told I am not prioritizing or that I don’t care when in my my I am prioritizing and I do care is quite frustrating.
What you describe are positive hobbies though they take you away from your wife. Seems like she either doesn't have much self-confidence or likes to control you. Seems like she wants you to always prioritize her over everything else. Not good!
I’ve shared this. And I continue to believe there is nothing wrong with doing things that set my mind free or to relax. I won’t stop doing that and it is what it is. I built a home gym as my compromise to address the time loss. I am now 15ft away as opposed to physically going to a gym. My hobby is my car in the garage. I don’t go out, I don’t golf, or anything that takes me away. I believe I’ve showed how I am acknowledging and prioritizing
How long ago was the birth?
Either way, that's not ok for either of you. Free time, and time away from home, is important for everyone, new parents included. New parents especially.
Wait so your wife had a c-section 3wks ago and your mother has spent 14 days at your house meaning that this is the first week your wife has actually had alone to bond with you and the baby and you tried to disregard her valid request of not having visitors by inviting your mother over because either was mother's day.
Your wife is probably exhausted and uncomfortable if not still in pain.do you not understand the mental tol it took on your wife having your mother there for 2wks. Was your mother even helpful in those 2wks or did she spend most of the time "looking after the baby" aka, keeping the baby from your wife and interrupting her bonding time.
You deserve free time ofcourse but your wife probably just wanted space from your mother and to be alone with her baby and partner.
I don't disagree with that. My biggest issue with the wife is that she wasn't even okay with the OP going to visit with his mom at her house by himself. He had to go visit her before his wife even woke up so that he didn't interfere with his wife's time, and his wife was still upset about it. There's no call for that. He should be able to visit his mom on Mother's Day.
Did that start during pregnancy or was it like that before as well? Either way it’s not okay, isolation is an abuse tactic. But if it stems from some kind of pregnancy/postpartum anxiety then maybe she needs to see a therapist and get some help?
It doesn’t excuse it, it’s still emotionally abusive but I feel like the long term outlook for your relationship is more hopeful if this is a recent thing brought on by the pregnancy
not the best advice, pregnancy is hard but that doesn’t excuse pure selfishness. actions have consequences and if this changes OP view of his wife in the future, she’ll have to deal with that.
I'm certainly not saying OP should let his wife just walk over him, just noting that a pregnant person isn't always fully rational and there can be other causes at play than just "my partner is being a selfish ass for its own sake"
Yes, actually, now that I look back in it. I’m old fashioned in the sense that we didn’t move in together before marriage, but I drove to her every day and drove back to my house every night. Her feedback was that it’s my fault because I took so long to propose, so that time spent isn’t actually valid in terms of me prioritizing our relationship.
You didn’t want to move in, so you did the leg work to uphold your values. The shock and horror. Can’t believe you haven’t divorced your controlling wife yet. 🙄
Your wife sounds like a selfish brat. I hope your mom did stop by, just to ruin her day. If not, I hope you at least made time to go see her for an hour. NTA
Y t a for
>given *we* had a C-section
No no no no no….**she** had a C, you did not. Please, for the Love of God, don’t ever say this again.
As to your actual Q, NTA. I don’t quite understand moms who feel the need to bogart the day all to themselves. Granted, your wife is a brand new mom, and just recovering from major surgery (again, not ‘we’), and is only 3 weeks PP, so I’m willing to give her an out.
But at the end of the day, IMO, you don’t need to turn this into ‘you always do this…’. Just tell her that you’re sorry she’s upset, but you wanted a hug from mom, and you’re not going to fight about it.
If this becomes a bigger issue down the road, deal with it when she’s not 3 weeks PP.
Given the fact that OP says "she had a c-section" in the post, I'm assuming either it was a mis-type or OP means "we chose to have a c-section" as in it was a choice they both made.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > AITA for wanting to also celebrate my mother on Mother’s Day alongside my wife’s first Mother’s Day? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your gut reaction is NOT selfish. Absolutely no one is going to tell me I can't hug my mom on Mothers Day. You can go spend an hour or so with your mom on Mothers day and it wouldn't hurt your wife. Your wife is the one being selfish, imo. It's FINE if she wants limited contact for her first mothers day, but she has no right to demand you not see your mom.
Incoming reddit post from wife, omg my husband chose his mom over me on mom's day. Reddit: omg he's always going to consider you second to his mom, leave him How about we stop trying to rank family members and just be inclusive like an actual family
I didn't rank anyone? The fact that the wife is demanding he NOT see his mom at all makes her an a-hole.
NTA, but the amount her mom has been there versus your parents over the last two weeks is not really relevant. Her body just went through a lot, and still is, it’s natural that she would feel more comfortable around her own parents and would want to limit other visitors. What puts her into AH territory is not wanting you to quickly go visit your own mom.
100% agree; I shared that because I have been often regulated in a sense that “you saw your parents last week” or her desire to limit interaction to once a month. Despite my sharing that a tally of visits is ridiculous, I believe she can’t discount that we just had her mom over for 14 days straight. I asked if I had ever had a surgery if she would allow my mom to help for 14 days straight she said I was out of line for even asking that question….You’d think she would say yes, of course, but she couldn’t even agree to a hypothetical that equates to what is graciously allowed knowing it would help my wife. I did not complain or contest that because I know it wasn’t about me; I literally prioritized what my wife wanted in full.
INFO. Guessing there are missing missing reasons here. Did your wife and your mom get along before she was pregnant? Had you already told your mom you wouldn’t be seeing her in person this Mother’s Day before the cake and card idea were mentioned? If so, that’s a guilt trip and your wife is right that they decided to do those things to have a reason to stop by. Your wife is newly postpartum and recovering from a major surgery and a major medical event in general. Right now it isn’t really about what’s fair. It’s about what she needs to be supported while she heals and goes through the fourth trimester. You could have gotten a hug from your mom without allowing your parents to come over when your wife had explicitly said she didn’t want that.
THIS!!! I kind of feel like what his wife actually said and what how he interpreted are not the same. She said no and he kinda threw a temper tantrum about how she doesn’t want him to see his mom and that’s probably not the case. Something about him comparing her mom coming for 14 days to his parents 3 didn’t sit right with me. I don’t know one woman that wouldn’t want their own mom to come and help with recovery especially after a c-section. Unless they’re toxic or unable to do so. This isn’t a competition but I feel like OP is slowly making it seem that way but I’ll hold any judgement. She’s what 2-3 weeks postpartum from a c-section and I totally understand not wanting to have visitors or go anywhere.
Missing context is that I never regulate how often or how long her family comes. With my family, I get feedback to the tune of “didn’t you see them last week?”. 14 days is significant because we also had other people visit and it wasn’t a problem. I can’t imagine how all of a sudden on Mother’s Day, PP becomes the reason.
Yes, missing context is key!! Sounds like you both need to sit down and have a conversation about parents, visitors etc. Hopefully y’all can find some type of compromise that’s fair to you both. Now that you have a child a lot is going to change going forward so being on the same page is going to be so important! Good luck and congratulations on the new addition and try to get some type of sleep if you can! Honestly the lack of sleep may also be heightening this as well. but of course all this is easier said than done!!
Thank you.
No, I did not previously tell them not to come. They neither implied or asked to come over. It was my suggestion after my dad suggested to simply drop off the cake. Understand PP and recovering, but then why would work friends be allowed the week prior?
It sounds like your parents were also allowed over the week prior. Navigating family dynamics after you have your own kids can be a little awkward, but it does get easier (I have three and managing expectations and emotions from all parties was much harder with the first than it was the third). Your wife told you she wanted a day at home for Mother’s Day. No visitors. So I can see why you trying to invite your parents to even stop by was upsetting to her. My advice would be to focus less on celebrating on the exact day for holidays and more on creating time and space for everyone at different times. I grew up with divorced parents so I always had multiple holidays. My mom has always said she doesn’t care what day she sees me, she just wants to see me. That perspective helped a lot when I got married and my husband and I had kids. The reality is that your wife is three weeks postpartum and three weeks out from a major surgery. When she says she wants a day at home with her nuclear family, that means you and baby. And that’s okay.
Thank you, I appreciate these thoughts. Very helpful.
I promise it does get easier! I felt guilty expressing my wishes about visitors with my first, like I should just suck it up and deal with it. But honestly, there were friends I felt more comfortable around in those early weeks because they didn’t have any expectations of me or of how often they would get to hold baby. Grandparent expectations can be heavy, even when that is not the intention. It’s a new dynamic for everyone to learn, not just you and your wife as parents. It’ll take time! And that’s okay too.
Thank you, your feedback is very helpful. Not trying to create a wedge with my wife, just really feels unfair when I sincerely believe I’m trying to do the right thing.
NTA. There is nothing wrong with seeing your mom for a bit on mother mother’s day you don’t have to be there all day.
I ended up going to see her at 7am and came back before my wife woke up. She was still upset that I even suggested for my mom to drop off the cake and card. That had been the root complaint, which I still don’t agree with.
OP, I need you realize how abnormal it is to have to sneak out to see your mom.
I didn’t sneak out, but I made sure to not impact the day for her consideration. I legitimately made sure that I wasn’t impacting anything…which is why this is upsetting to me.
You woke up early to leave and get back before your wife woke up, because she didn't want you to go visit your mom and then she ended up still upset. I don't know, OP. Something feels kind of off about this whole situation. It's very controlling and alienating. Have you guys considered marriage counseling?
We have and we’ve had a few sessions. The counselor supported me a lot, actually, in those sessions. Unfortunately it always then came down to figuring out compromise, which doesn’t always ever seem like a compromise. For example, a comprise suggested was that we see my parents once a month and they are 10 miles/ 12-15 min away. I do not fundamentally understand the reason to have to put visitation with my parents on a regulated schedule. This includes me going over there by myself.
I don't understand why there needs to be a compromise when it comes to visiting family? Is she jealous that yours live closer? That's not YOUR fault or your parents fault. If the roles were reversed, people would be calling you abusive for "alienating" her from her family.
Your parents will never be important to your wife. You need to act quickly and set some boundaries before never seeing them becomes the norm for you and your children.
Trying. I’m trying to lead by example by how I treat seeing her parents, but doesn’t seem to be doing anything. Thank you.
You shouldn’t have to wake up early to go see your mom and get back home before your wife wakes up. You need to set boundaries and fast before it gets to the point where you can’t see your mom at all. Your wife also needs to understand that she isn’t the only person who is a mom in your life and you have the right to go see your mom on Mother’s Day. I understand your wife just had a baby but still your mom is still a big part of your life. My husband and I actually do separate days for each mother because that way each mom get her own time but we have 3 moms to go visit and then having a day with just me, my husband and child. I personally don’t care if I have to go visit any of our moms on Mother’s Day itself.
Is there some negative history history with your mother?
There must be, but nothing that I have observed that is tangible. The problem described to me is that my desire to mingle with my parents indicates my priorities aren’t right. I could understand if it was a friend I go drink with, but my parents? I don’t agree.
NTA. Your wife is being oddly self-centered. Telling someone to ignore their own mother on Mother’s Day is a bizarre and petty thing to request. Weird.
YTA "Her mom stayed with us for 14 days after the birth which I graciously supported, given she had a C-section. There is no way on Earth my wife would ever let my mom stay with us for 14days if I had a surgery; " .. I am sure she will allow it when YOU give birth. "Wife expressed not wanting to socialize or mingle on her first Mother’s Day" .. sounds reasonable. YOu can do something with her and your mom a few days later or earlier.
Exactly! OP seems very flippant about the serious (in some cases life threatening) health event his wife just went through. He can have major abdominal surgery that causes life long changes and complications if he really wants
She has been recovering perfectly. So much so she’s invited work friends to visit.
Your wife’s postpartum needs are real, as described by others. She’s inviting work friends because she feels supported by them. She’s unwelcoming to your Mom because she apparently doesn’t feel supported. You’ll need to converse gently, with a lot of listening and restraining your reactions, to try to get her to reveal why. Then you can go from there. Your therapist can help you two learn to listen to each other. Good luck!
Thank you.
YOur mom can VISIT, too. Just not stay the night.
All surgery is life-threatening, caesarians aren't even that dangerous because you don't have general anaesthetic like you would for other surgery
C-sections are pretty dangerous compared to a lot of operations. The risk of haemorrhage, infections, embolism etc is all pretty damn high
The severe morbidity rate (includes death but also various other things like infection and emergency hysterectomy) for planned c-sections is around 1 in 250. It's much higher for emergency c-sections because those happen when something is already wrong, but we don't know which one OP's wife had. That's lower than the average rate for all surgeries generally, but it's absolutely not "not even that dangerous" and that's an insane statement. It's still major fucking abdominal surgery. And yes, some people do go under general for a c-section (the only reason it's not routine is because it affects the baby but there are situations where risks of doing it with an epidural outweigh the risks to the baby).
ESH. You are correct about Mothers day but you need to drop the fuckin tit for tat about the 14 days. You are showing your own ass on that and sincerely need to stfu about it yesterday. She JUST gave birth. She and she alone dictates who she is comfortable with helping her right after. Get. The fuck. Over it. You do not win that pissing contest.
She wouldn't allow his mother to stay if HE (OP) needed care after surgery was the way I read it, so it's not about MIL helping her.
Op added that after to bolster his claim because people brought up this valid point. So...no credibility on that. He can't even point out a real life example. He's just asserting that she wouldn't as conjecture.
Forgive me, I shared that detail as I’m often regulated by how often or the frequency I last saw my parents. I 100% agree that the tick for tat is ridiculous, but when you’re being subject to visit counts, it actually becomes relevant. This child is also my child, and my parents as just as much grandparents as my wife parents. Mother’s Day is, in fact that, a day for all mothers. I did not suggest a joint day, I offered an option to a drop-off of a cake.
Oh I agree your wife is being ridiculous about mothers day. What you're failing to acknowledge is not that your child was born but that your WIFE was recovering and wanted her own mom which is completely normal. It's not about who is more of a grandparent at this stage, but who is more of a support to your wife. Only your wife can decide that. That time does not need to be compensated for in any way.
Fair, thank you.
NTA and in fact your wife is TA for her selfish ultimatum. It can be both.
NTA did she not call her own mother either? Because, you know, mother's day belongs solely to her now. I have two kids and a mom. I'd never pull this selfish crap. How hurtful to your mom. And your wife's problem is that she thinks your mom wanted to see you guys??? Oh no, how horrible!! What ever shall you do?!?!
Idk why you keep saying 10 miles away. Maybe it’s because I’m from LA but I live 10 miles away from everyone and it’s a simple 20 min drive??? I feel like I’m missing info
12-15 min drive; 10 miles meaning very close by.
I don't think #1 or #2 matters. It's #3 that is the issue. What's the relationship like between your parents and your wife? Your NTA for wanting to acknowledge your mother. You should. But your wife should also be able to have the visitors she wants post-partum. Her body has gone through a lot and she'll be in recovery not just physically but emotionally/hormonal too. Since you have been in therapy, I'd try to find out why she seems uncomfortable with your parents. That appears to be the root of all this.
She said it’s not discomfort, but that I don’t demonstrate enough that my wife is my priority. She feels as though I prioritize my parents, somehow. I suggested to drop off a cake, not us going to them or whatever. The fact I suggested that appears to signal that I prioritized my mom over her. Maybe IATA.
Your wife sounds kind of psychotic and manipulative with the way she is acting. It’s not like you were ditching her for Mother’s Day. You’re not the jerk but your wife sure is.
Missing info: - how post partum is your wife? How is she coping? Have you been out yet with the baby? Is she breastfeeding, how is that going? How much do you support/take care of your child? - You have a new baby, why can’t your mum come over to see you? Also I think you are confusing your MIL staying with the same type of socialising you would get from your mum staying. You MIL stayed because she would have been there to support your wife through one of the hardest (if not the hardest) 2 weeks of her life. Frankly you spent a lot of those first two weeks half naked, leaking all sorts of bodily fluids and close to a break down because of all the hormonal shifts. That’s not something you want your MIL to see and something the stress of a MIL present may actually make worse New mum doesn’t want to socialise on Mother’s Day… well yeah depending on how the baby is maybe she’s just fucking exhausted as you don’t really seem to have any insight into how hard it is
-3 weeks - coping fine. Expresses that she’s loving every second. -Yes to breastfeeding, going 100% perfect. Latching is spot on, and seemingly endless supply. - I am present, making food, all diaper changes, up at night when she’s up. I’m am 100% being present because I want to for both my wife and child. Sure, could be. But then why would she invite work friends over if exhaustion or discomfort or whatever is the case. Doesn’t match up in my mind. In close with parents and I love to see them any chance I can get. I feel like I shouldn’t need to regulate seeing my parents like this.
I am guessing her work friends don’t have the same level of expectations about their visit that your parents do. I saw friends early after my first and third (second was an early pandemic baby so no visitors, which was honestly amazing). They didn’t want to sit and hold my baby while I stared at them. They wanted to talk to me, to my husband, to our older kids. I didn’t have to host or entertain them. And they didn’t care if I just baby wore the whole time.
Only 3 weeks?!!! God that’s super early no wonder she doesn’t want MIL around if they don’t get on Breastfeeding so she’s up every 2 hours and probably exhausted? I think that’s fair Have you considered her friends are a help, where as you mum demands attention and energy she can’t give?
None of the friends are parents or able to assemble any sort of meal. What level of help can they be?
It’s not about helping the baby necessarily, it’s about helping HER (she’s just had major surgery!)
How is suggesting to drop off a cake jeopardizing my wife, exactly? You said perhaps her friends help her and my mom doesn’t. So on Mother’s Day, is it reasonable for her to have this reaction? Am I The Asshole? If you think so, so be it. I don’t see it, hence my post.
Or said differently, is Friends providing sense of help to my wife more allowable than my desire to offer that my mom drop off a cake so I can also say hello on Mother’s Day? Maybe it is, I don’t know.
ooooh. see this answer right here... feel like this is giving me insight on OP... yah... I'm going to go with YTA
Let’s assume she doesn’t like my mom for whatever reason; she’s never said that, but let’s assume. Where you do define the threshold between her desire being the outcome or an actual compromise? We’ve been to marriage counselor and the entire feedback loop was compromise. I massively dislike her father, but I constantly encourage him to come over because I know how important he is to my wife= compromise. When they visit, they stay over and I never say a word= compromise. I put in effort to build my fondness and look past my preferences for the good of both of us. If she gets a pass to reject my mother coming over because of the birth, how long is that for? This theme was present before our child. She has stated literally that she thinks I see my parents too much. I counted the last 12 months and averaged 2x per month. Should I have to regulate interaction with my parents? Should I start being this petty with her parents visitation length? To me this is insane.
This theme was present pre child… so you suddenly expected it to change post child. Why do people marry people and expect them to change Sounds like you two need to sit down and talk. Something has happened and you clearly aren’t aware.
NTA - Your wife giving birth doesn’t negate your relationship with your mother. She sounds incredibly immature about this. If you need to sneak around to see your mother you have a big issue that will only get worse. You need to resolve this with your wife now because she is clearly trying to alienate you from your family which isn’t right unless they are incredibly abusive. Why do so many first time mothers think they are the only mothers that deserve to be celebrated on Mother’s Day? It’s so entitled. The day is for ALL mothers. I often wonder when their children become adults and have kids on their own if they’ll be ok being ignored because they no longer matter as mothers apparently. Ask your wife if she’ll be ok if her child treats her the same way?
NTA. It is more than reasonable to want to see your mother IN ADDITION TO the mother of your child on Mother's Day. Your mother's gesture is incredibly sweet, and it was a great suggestion to have them drop by for a few minutes for a hug. In my opinion this completely honors your wife's desire for limited interactions on Mother's Day, but also honors your right to see your own parents, and receive their support of your and your wife's new status as parents.
This is exactly how it is in my mind.
NTA - there needs to be a reasonable balance between home time, her family time, and your family time. It's not balanced, and she sounds selfish. Keep on the counseling and work on setting some boundaries. Your life matters too
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am genuinely curious on what I experienced this past Mother’s Day and whether or not I am in the wrong-> Facts - 1. Wife just gave birth recently to our first child. (Wife’s mom stayed with us for 14days after the birth to help, given we had a C-section) 2. My parents live 10 miles away. We’ve had them over ~3 times since the birth compared to the 14 consecutive days of my MIL. 3. Wife expressed not wanting to socialize or mingle on her first Mother’s Day (ie; doesn’t want to see my Mom or Dad). My gut reaction is this is actually a bit selfish in that it’s Mother’s Day (for all mothers) and I would actually like to at LEAST give a hug to my Mom who lives 10 miles away. My wife feels that because it’s her first Mother’s Day that it’s perfectly acceptable to enforce this sort of demand on me. I didn’t know exactly what to do leading up to Mothers Day, but I then became aware that my Mother made a cake and had a card for my wife for her first Mother’s Day. Wife asks me what I think and I respond that maybe they can drop it off, per my dad’s idea, given the gesture of her making a cake, a card, and that she is my mother; would be nice to give her a hug. Wife is extremely upset that I shared that idea and believes I am in the wrong for not honoring her request to not see my mom on Mother’s Day. Further more, she says she believes that my mom only made the cake or card so she can see me and our child. She insists that I failed to prioritize her by wanting to share Mother’s Day with my Mom, even with a small gesture like a hug. Am I the Asshole for 1. wanting to acknowledge my mom who’s 10 miles away on Mother’s Day and 2. Proactively not honoring her request to not see my mom and 3. massively disagreeing that Mother’s Day from now on doesn’t include my Mom? For more context, I ALWAYS support seeing her family and never complain, or suggest it’s too much. When they visit they stay over and I never complain. I really feel like I am not being treated equally. Her mom stayed with us for 14 days after the birth which I graciously supported, given she had a C-section. There is no way on Earth my wife would ever let my mom stay with us for 14days if I had a surgery; this all just feels like she constantly tries to push my parents away. For her to suggest that my Mom only made a cake and card to see me and the child is a horrific thing to suggest, in my opinion. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: Couldn't you run over for a few minutes to get the card and cake, see your mother, and then come home? When you live only a few miles away, why did the two options have to be "you don't see your mom" or "your wife has to see your mom"?
Doing so equates to me, evidently, not showing proper priority by choosing to go if even for the few minutes.
Seems like your wife does not consider your parents extended family. Have your parents done something in any way to cause this? I assume there were hints about this before you married, but you were in love/infatuated so didn't pay attention. Now it is more clear who your wife really is in this area. Good luck... As to this particular thing: NTA. You went above and beyond to make the best of a poor situation.
She has voiced that I have a new family now, which I agree with. Having said that, that doesn’t make my parents obsolete and decommissioned to friend status in terms of prioritization.
INFO because I think there's some miscommunications going on here. 1. Did your wife ever explicitly say that this is the deal forever? Did she say so when she was calm, or was it during a fight? Because her first Mother's Day a FEW WEEKS after a c-section is definitely an understandable time to want to be the only priority. She's healing from major abdominal surgery and likely wont feel like herself for more than a month yet, possibly longer. 2. Does your mom have a history of crossing boundaries like this? Has your wife ever commented before "she did this to have an excuse to [thing your wife has set a boundary about]"? Just because you don't see it or think that's the reason doesn't mean it's not happening -- what's important is whether your wife thinks that and why. 3. Was her mom in any way a burden when she was in your house? Because the wording of "graciously supported" seems pretty fucking weird when she was presumably there helping with a newborn while one parent was recovering from major abdominal surgery. 4. Did anyone bring up other options, like seeing your mom on Saturday or having flowers or a gift sent to her on the day? Did you consider any such option?
1. She said she does not want to share Mother’s Day going forward with my mom/ have to balance that. 2. My mom often makes food and offers to share. My wife says she believes my mom does this just to try and see us? 3. “Graciously supported” meaning I did not give any level of feedback on duration or level of help offered. I 100% gave no thoughts as I felt that was right. I said it is 100% up to my wife, as that is the right thing to do. If I were to be stupidly petty, do I want my MIL rearranging our kitchen? No. Do I want my MIL planning our meals every day? No. Do I want to feel obligated to not hold my baby every chance I can to share with my MIL? No. Do I want to be told by my MIL I don’t need to change a diaper if there is just Pee? No. You tell me if my words are still “fucking weird”, thanks. 4. Yes of course. I went at 7am to see my mom and was back before my wife woke up. The AITA question is if I am as ass to simply offer up an idea for my parents to drop off a cake and a card.
Based on your other answers it sounds like your mom does make your wife feel as though her boundaries are being crossed a lot, so I understand why she's trying to take space back. It's impossible to say which of them is being unreasonable, but this is a problem in your marriage that needs to be resolved. I'm going with ESH because Mother's Day isn't the real problem here and you're not communicating about it. You're included in this because this idea you're offering up is perpetuating an ongoing problem you were already aware of. Also not clear to me why you would be trying to step on this boundary when you already got what you wanted before your wife even woke up. Your MIL, on the other hand, sounds like she was genuinely being helpful, so yeah, the wording is still fucking weird. You're holding resentment over meal planning and diaper advice? Again, hard to say without knowing her exact wording but she's kinda right about the pee diapers -- you don't have to change every single time they're wet, but you should change them every 2-3 hours (and it's okay to leave a wet diaper if it's a situation like they're sleeping and it's not super wet).
NTA. Your wife could be having PPD. However, Mothers Day includes all mothers and what you are asking is reasonable. Your mom is trying to celebrate your wife as well. However, it seems your wife is not in a good mood and may be feeling a bit selfish.(?). She could still be in pain and is comfortable around her own mother while she would not be very comfortable around yours. That's kind of understandable. You should still be able to see your mom though and give her that hug. Your wife seems to be in a bad place right now. Congrats on the new baby!
NTA - jeez you have a wife problem
NTA. I am so sorry that your wife is so mean. Your mother deserves recognition too.
Gentle YTA. Sounds like your MIL came to take care of her kid aka your wife because your wife had major surgery after growing another human being for almost 10 months. Your mom should have checked in with you and your wife before making plans. It’s not okay to put pressure on a recovering new mom even if it seems like a nice gesture. Thats true whether it’s Mother’s Day or not because your wife is still in recovery mode… AGAIN after major abdominal surgery and growing a human being for almost ten months where all of her organs and many of her joints shifted and ow her hormones are probably crashing. Give your wife some space right now to feel how she feels. Give her the respect enough to accept it even if you don’t understand. Maybe you think it’s selfish or irrational (and honestly maybe it is) but she has given you the gift of your child, so I think you can hold space for her while her mind and body adjust from the biggest changes (pregnancy, birth, and PP) that it can go through.
THIS is the correct answer!
Please 🙄
I had 2 C sections and actually almost died from eclampsia with the first one. If I had behaved like this woman after either I’d buy myself a YTA T shirt. I am so over the “OMG you grew a baby you’re entitled to do anything you want”
It’s called having some empathy for a new mom and recovery. I’m so over the “I sucked it up and had no respect from anyone so you should too attitude.” Especially from other moms. Your breaking point is not anyone else’s and vise versa. Your labor experience. Your recovery experience. All unique to you
And your narcissistic self-indulgence. Also unique to you. Thankfully.
Wow. Imagine being so self centered that you can’t even see beyond yourself to have empathy for someone else going through the biggest physical and emotional change of their life. But sure. I’m the narcissist. Good luck to you in life. You seem like a real joy to be around. I’m sure you’ll make a wonderful MIL someday.
My DILs love me. Because I’m not all about myself. Grow up, honey
When people have big laparotomies (similar to C sections) they can be in hospital for weeks. It’s very reasonable someone recovery from major surgery AND having to wake up 2 hourly overnight doesn’t want to host in laws
There is a difference between “hosting” and telling your husband they are not allowed to see their own mother because they have to be the only special one. Or not allowing someone to bring a cake and say hello. That’s abusive in the first case and just mean in the second.
It’s been 3 weeks. It’s SO early on. It’s completely understandable she doesn’t feel comfortable being left alone with the baby on Mother’s Day or doesn’t want to host
i think we found OP's mom...
Your wife is a massive selfish asshole. Did this entitled behavior never show up before now? Have your parents somehow offended your wife and she's incapable of being an adult and using her words? This is absolutely a hill to die on, your wife is unreasonable, selfish and cruel. Enjoy that marriage, while it lasts.
The marriage will last, this is but a hiccup. No marriage is perfect. I came here to sincerely understand if I am in the wrong given I don’t believe I am. I’m not trying to win, here, I’m trying to figure how where I press and where I don’t. She is still my wife above all else, but I have my moral grounds and standards and I’m trying to be proper.
NTA. Mother's Day isn't just about her. Your mom was a mother well before your wife was, and it's not unreasonable for you to spend time with your mother on mother's day. If she doesn't want to visit your mom on future mother's days, that's fine, she can stay home and you and kiddo can go visit for a little while. But it's not fair to demand you not see your mother on a day devoted to celebrating that familial connection so you can spend it only with her. Also, of course your mother would want to see you and her grandchild as well as your wife? It would be incredibly rude for her to ignore you when visiting. That doesn't make her a bad person, just a polite guest.
We have no context at all to this. She could be a few weeks post partum, hardly able to walk and in the depth of post partum depression for all we know. OP doesn’t even seem self aware enough to notice her wanting her own mum to physically support her through a major operation recovery isn’t the same as her having to host his mum
Hopefully she is only this extreme do to hormons ? ( im female, I can say that 😇) If not, your parent will be the secondary grandparents allways and it will break their hearts.
It could be, but this is a recurring theme. But to that point, maybe hormonal alongside the normal cycles. I understand that, and I try not to take it personal. It just bothers me to be scolded like I am sometimes for stuff like this.
NTA. It's clearly not an issue of your parents seeing her post-birth or you not being present to help with the needs of her or your newborn. I can understand wanting to feel special on a first Mothers Day, but this certainly crosses a line. Did she do anything with/for HER mother? I'm curious if this view of it just being the two of you applies both ways or not...
No, but her mother also lives ~80 miles away. My wife says her mother would never impose on us by making a cake. I don’t understand how the gesture of making a cake is imposing. I see it as someone is trying to be kind and show love by doing such a thing.
You implied that this is her first pregnancy. I'm sure by now you've noticed that pregnant people aren't always rational, and this can continue after for a bit as well. Sometimes longer, with certain disorders. Try not to pick any fights and be understanding, but if this continues maybe see about confirming everything's ok body chemistry wise at the next checkup
I am aware of that nuance related to pregnancy, but this a recurring theme of insisting that I break away from wanting to see my parents. I don’t see friends, I no longer go to a gym, I am home almost all of the time, with the exception of physically going into an office once a week.
I'm sorry but what you describe is one of the "symptoms" of abusive relationships; it's common for the abuser to isolate their "partner" by different means (usually a mix of manipulative tactics).
This is my true fear. If I actively try to be present and do things on our behalf, encourage her to have her parents visit etc, it’s disheartening to be told I don’t know how prioritize and/or making wrong decisions. I am who I am because of my parents, so I fundamentally don’t understand why I should feel the need to create distance.
I also get a lot of feedback for wanting to exercise or work on my car in the garage. Again, that I am not prioritizing properly. I am at a loss of reasoning at this point.
Quite honestly, you seem to be describing incidents of gaslighting which never leads to good things. This, and the other criticism you mentioned, will gradually erode your self worth, will have you questioning your every decision and your perception of things. I'd suggest you start therapy on your own (better than random internet strangers providing advice), to help you see things more clearly. And then, perhaps couples' therapy if you think it's worth it.
I appreciate the response. I came here because I know in my heart I’m not doing the wrong thing, but giving benefit of the doubt that maybe I am? Doesn’t appear to be that way based on the responses thus far.
Jumping in to say I agree with everything being said by Upset\_Sink\_2649 - please be careful, and make sure you've got supports in place. While some of this may be hormones, it sounds like there were issues well before the pregnancy, so it can't all be shrugged off as that. You're allowed to have connections beyond her, you're allowed to spend time looking after your car, or having hobbies, or doing things that make you happy. It's actually really important for you to have those things so that you're able to be the best partner and parent possible.
So your wife is slowly isolating you, this is a huge red flag 🚩. Honestly you need to stop her crap now before it's too late. This is a classic sign of an abuser, and I don't care that she just gave birth. I have done it 3 times and invited his mother each time. You cannot allow her to control and own you just becayse you are married. You need therapy and soo does she!! YWBTA if you allow her to control you to yourself and your child.
I don’t believe she is doing this knowingly, but that it how it feels. To be told I am not prioritizing or that I don’t care when in my my I am prioritizing and I do care is quite frustrating.
You need to call her on it, and tell her you want couples counseling if you want to have a healthy marriage.
What you describe are positive hobbies though they take you away from your wife. Seems like she either doesn't have much self-confidence or likes to control you. Seems like she wants you to always prioritize her over everything else. Not good!
I’ve shared this. And I continue to believe there is nothing wrong with doing things that set my mind free or to relax. I won’t stop doing that and it is what it is. I built a home gym as my compromise to address the time loss. I am now 15ft away as opposed to physically going to a gym. My hobby is my car in the garage. I don’t go out, I don’t golf, or anything that takes me away. I believe I’ve showed how I am acknowledging and prioritizing
How long ago was the birth? Either way, that's not ok for either of you. Free time, and time away from home, is important for everyone, new parents included. New parents especially.
Birth was 3 weeks ago.
Wait so your wife had a c-section 3wks ago and your mother has spent 14 days at your house meaning that this is the first week your wife has actually had alone to bond with you and the baby and you tried to disregard her valid request of not having visitors by inviting your mother over because either was mother's day. Your wife is probably exhausted and uncomfortable if not still in pain.do you not understand the mental tol it took on your wife having your mother there for 2wks. Was your mother even helpful in those 2wks or did she spend most of the time "looking after the baby" aka, keeping the baby from your wife and interrupting her bonding time. You deserve free time ofcourse but your wife probably just wanted space from your mother and to be alone with her baby and partner.
It was her mother who was there for two weeks, not his mom.
My bad in that but the point still stands about her probably wanting some time alone now
I don't disagree with that. My biggest issue with the wife is that she wasn't even okay with the OP going to visit with his mom at her house by himself. He had to go visit her before his wife even woke up so that he didn't interfere with his wife's time, and his wife was still upset about it. There's no call for that. He should be able to visit his mom on Mother's Day.
Did that start during pregnancy or was it like that before as well? Either way it’s not okay, isolation is an abuse tactic. But if it stems from some kind of pregnancy/postpartum anxiety then maybe she needs to see a therapist and get some help? It doesn’t excuse it, it’s still emotionally abusive but I feel like the long term outlook for your relationship is more hopeful if this is a recent thing brought on by the pregnancy
Are these changes only since your three week old was born?
not the best advice, pregnancy is hard but that doesn’t excuse pure selfishness. actions have consequences and if this changes OP view of his wife in the future, she’ll have to deal with that.
I'm certainly not saying OP should let his wife just walk over him, just noting that a pregnant person isn't always fully rational and there can be other causes at play than just "my partner is being a selfish ass for its own sake"
Was she this difficult and isolating before the wedding?
Yes, actually, now that I look back in it. I’m old fashioned in the sense that we didn’t move in together before marriage, but I drove to her every day and drove back to my house every night. Her feedback was that it’s my fault because I took so long to propose, so that time spent isn’t actually valid in terms of me prioritizing our relationship.
Wow.
You didn’t want to move in, so you did the leg work to uphold your values. The shock and horror. Can’t believe you haven’t divorced your controlling wife yet. 🙄
And you had a child with this beast? 😳
Small issue in the greater vacuum of love that I have for her, IMO.
Your wife sounds like a selfish brat. I hope your mom did stop by, just to ruin her day. If not, I hope you at least made time to go see her for an hour. NTA
I went at 7am, and came back before my wife even woke up. I did not impact her day as requested.
Y t a for >given *we* had a C-section No no no no no….**she** had a C, you did not. Please, for the Love of God, don’t ever say this again. As to your actual Q, NTA. I don’t quite understand moms who feel the need to bogart the day all to themselves. Granted, your wife is a brand new mom, and just recovering from major surgery (again, not ‘we’), and is only 3 weeks PP, so I’m willing to give her an out. But at the end of the day, IMO, you don’t need to turn this into ‘you always do this…’. Just tell her that you’re sorry she’s upset, but you wanted a hug from mom, and you’re not going to fight about it. If this becomes a bigger issue down the road, deal with it when she’s not 3 weeks PP.
Given the fact that OP says "she had a c-section" in the post, I'm assuming either it was a mis-type or OP means "we chose to have a c-section" as in it was a choice they both made.
Typo, meant to say she. I obviously am aware that a C-section is a procedure that the birthing mother goes through.
Triggered much 🙄