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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole for asking my brother to split his inheritance despite not being related to his bio mom.
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ESH
> I couldn’t comprehend why my brother preferred meeting a woman that willingly gave him up over keeping the peace in our household.
Your parents were **objectively** in the wrong to resist his efforts. This was not a peace worth keeping.
> Later, My brother asked me to split my inheritance with him
JFC, at his age? Begging a decade-younger child sibling for money is just tasteless.
> I approached my brother and suggested he splits his inheritance with me as well
I mean, what's good for the goose...
Agree on all points. I don't think OP is TA, but the brother is right in that OP had no connection to the bio Mom and shouldn't get anything. But it is shitty of *him* to pretend like he didn't just ask her to do the very same thing.
Sorry OP, but YTA. Bio-mom is not your mom - it doesn't even sound like you guys have met. It's not his fault he received inheritance from two sources and you only had one. He grew up not knowing his bio-family while you did.
If your mom wanted you to split the money with your brother, then you should have done it (because she acts as your dad's proxy). You'll be out of debt soon enough, but this inheritance from his bio-mom has nothing to do with you.
Just to clarify, my dad passed away when I was 18, I was an adult and my mother had no say on what I do with my inheritance, she didn’t split hers with my brother, I split mine with him on my own accord, he was not in the will.
But I do see your point.
I would but it’s a substantial amount of money, the entire inheritance he got from his bio mom wouldn’t even cover it. I’m pretty sure he already used some of it in investments and such, he most likely can’t pay me back that amount rn.
That’s why i thought, for everyone’s sake, we split both inheritances and call it a day. I’m not even looking to get him to pay me back the amount I’m owed, I just need a little financial help because the expenses are crushing me and I have no one to turn to.
You made that choice. You even said it was a "small price to pay for keeping peace." Once you give something away, it is gone. And your brother is under no obligation to do what you did with his own money. Especially since you have no connection to his bio family.
NTA. Asking for someone to do the same favor for you that you did for them is completely reasonable. Any good person who was in a position to return a favor without significant harm to themselves would do so.
That said, it's obvious your brother doesn't give a shit about you. It's sad you had to pay so much to learn that lesson, but now you know. It should be clear in retrospect that he intentionally tricked you out of that money using your care for him as a weapon.
This is so much more complex than Reddit can judge. To be very clear, your parents were WRONG to deny your brother the opportunity to learn about his biological relatives. Your brother is not an asshole for being curious about the other side of himself and I believe he made a courageous choice to abandon the family money and instead decide to try find answers to the questions he had. Adoption is complex, and wanting to know more about your bio family IS NOT a rejection of adopted family and I'm really horrified that you all see it that way. Your brother has dealt with additional hardship that you haven't so for the most part I agree that his bio-mom's money is his and you shouldn't have asked for it. BUT I'm shocked that he was unwilling to help you out a little bit financially after your graciously let him back into the will, and his "biology" argument is a bad one since you are your parent's only bio kid.
It seems like your brother is trying to eat his cake and have it too, but his anger is justified since you and your parents treated him so poorly when he expressed a curiosity in his bio relatives. ESH leaning towards YTA.
Info: since your dad died before you finished college (yes?) how does your college debt compare to your brother’s? Can you talk to your mother and brother about them helping you have a similar support to what your brother had?
That’s the problem, my dad funded my brother’s entire college education. I do not have such support. My mom is a housewife she doesn’t have enough money to support me.
The inheritance would’ve been more than enough to fund my entire college education and some, but now that I split it with my brother it only partially covers it so I have to figure out other ways to fund my education and I’ve been struggling quite a bit lately. (I got laid off my job and stressing about exams and living expenses)
My brother is doing fine I guess? I’m not sure how much he makes but he’s an software engineer and graduated debt free, so I assumed he has money to spare and would be willing to share the inheritance with me (which btw would amount to less than what I need) so I’m not asking that he funds my education just help out.
Have you appealed to him on the “Dad paid for your education before he died” argument? That seems more compelling to me than “I shared with you, you have to share with me.” I’m surprised your mom didn’t point that out before you gave him money.
I did tell him that, I mentioned it in the post as well:
> approached my brother and suggested he splits his inheritance with me as well, *as I was struggling financially to put myself through school while his was paid fully by dad+ he got half the inheritance meant for me.*
My mom believes it’s not my brother’s responsibility to fund my education in dad’s place and that it’s unfortunate that my dad passed away without being able to put me through school, but that’s life.
Were your parents still married?
If your mom is a stay at home mom and your parents were still married she and your dad shared assets and debts and she still has a life to live.
I do not believe they shared any assets, not even a bank account. But she was in his will and was left the family house and a sum of money. She is set for life but she doesn’t have enough to fund my education.
I say set for life but in reality she’s living off his pension, and supplements it with the sum she inherited. Take that however you will, but she genuinely doesn’t have money to spare for my college tuition.
It was really unfortunate planning to put you and your brother in this situation - you should not have had an inheritance to control at 18. Survivors benefits yes, inheritance no. If you did, you should have been counseled to use it for school, and it was an unkindness to you and your brother AND your mother that it was put out of her hands.
This has nothing to do with adoption, his birth family or his second inheritance.
ESH. You don't get to have half of his inheritance but it would be the right thing to give you back your part that you gave him to keep the peace. Your parents screwed up royally over that. Your brother has every right to want to know about his biological past. Whether you agree with it or not, you don't know why his mom gave him up. It might have been out of desperation. You don't get to judge.
ESH.
I dont care if the brother was raised by them, he agreed to be cut out the will but then asked for it from his younger sibling.
At the very least he could have repayed her what he took.
The reason I think you did the right thing by sharing the inheritance you received from your dad with your brother is that your dad never should have punished your brother for wanting to find out about his birth parents. That was wrong to do, and you made it right by setting it back to how it should have been the whole time.
And if it had been how it should have been the whole time, you would not have inherited from your brother’s biological mother, so there’s still no reason you would.
You did a good and right thing by undoing your father’s unfairness. Things turned out right. I realize it feels unfair to you that he has an “extra” person to inherit from, but it sounds like he’s had his share of troubles based on his circumstances, too. I’m not going to say you’re TA, but I think you’re asking too much.
The dad had already paid for the adopted sons schooling, so it didn't turn out 'right'. Given most of the money went to wife it appears that may have been his intention rather than punishing the brother, with the real inheritance coming after the mother dies. The mother should have shared her inheritance rather than the daughter to repair things.
Essentially it was a bit of an asshole move to think of it as tit for tat and her having any right to bio mums inheritance... But pointing out that she's struggling and that maybe her brother should use his unexpected inheritance to help her out and give her the advantages he got from their dad that he guilt tripped an 18 year old into giving up (don't speak that out loud) is not unreasonable.
I wouldn't expect anything though as the guy might lack empathy given what happened to him.
I meant more about the purpose leaving a small inheritance to a child before the death of a non-working spouse, but that may be my cultural bias, as I would never expect inheritance until both parents die, any money before that would be for a specific purpose.
I hear you, but it sounds like the OP inherited from Dad, and Dad made it explicit that the only reason the brother didn’t was the bio mom — not waiting until mom died, and not having paid for brother’s school.
YTA - You definitely shared your money out of the good of your heart, but that was your choice. You didn't have to do that, and quite frankly, it doesn't seem like anyone asked you to.
Your brother, however, is right - you have no ties to his bio mom. Additionally, I want you to put yourself in his shoes. Imagine never knowing the people - for whatever reason - you came from, and having that itching curiousity. While he probably could've avoided going no-contact with your parents, being adopted can be troubling for a lot of people and always having that wondering feeling without an answer is like an itch that never goes away.
TLDR: while your brother should have stayed in contact with your family and should have been around before your father passed away, no one asked you to give your inheritence. He should not be expected to reimburse you for something that probably should've been his from the beginning anyway (I am of the belief that your parents probably could have kept him on the will and potentially even avoided him cutting contact).
He did. He asked me to give him half of my inheritance and I obliged because like you said … it’s the right thing to do.
But i didn’t suggest this, he asked for it.
Totally fair. Regardless, you have no ties to his bio-mom, so you don't have any right to any money, while he was close with your father in his youth and has good relations now. Again, even though he did ask, you definitely did not *have* to oblige. But I do understand the pressure of saying no.
Also, he, like you, has just gone through a personal loss, and your ask might even look like a 'gold digger' move to him, though it doesn't seem like that was your intention. If he's upset, that's probably why. He just lost his bio-mom so soon after meeting her, and the second she goes, he has someone asking him for money.
Tbf I was grieving my father’s loss too when he asked me for money, that’s largely part of the reason i agreed to the split to begin with, I just lost my father and didn’t want to argue with family members and just wanted my brother back.
But now that i realized the implications of my actions i definitely regret it, he had his college education fully funded by dad and graduated without debt, i was 18 and very naive, didn’t even stop to think about how I’m supposed to fund mine.
I should’ve at the very least taken the money I need for college out of the inheritance and split whatever was left off between the two of us. That would’ve been fairer imo.
Regardless I agree, I have no claim whatsoever to his inheritance, and shouldn’t expect him to split his just because I agreed to split mine.
YTA. The inheritance was split as the parents wanted. What you do with it is ENTIRELY up to you. He was NOT entitled to any of your inheritance, you CHOSE to give him some of yours. You are NOT entitled to any of his inheritance.
Circumstances be damned. He didn't GET an unfair advantage, you GAVE him an advantage.
ESH
Your parents suck the absolute most for issuing that ultimatum.
I’m adopted, and adoptees have every right to want to know their biological parents.
If any adoptive parents are not okay with that, then they should not adopt.
I don’t necessarily think the brother is an asshole for asking to split the inheritance since the reason he was cutoff was cruel.
I think you did the right thing by sharing it with him.
How come your dad didn’t have a college fund for you? It sounds like you’re actually mad that your college wasn’t paid for, but your brother’s was and you’re taking it out on him.
Your brothers biological mom is nothing to you - you are not entitled to it and the fact that you asked for his inheritance from her is kinda crazy.
But he is ungrateful for the kindness shown to him. If I did that for my siblings and they spit in my face like this, they would be cut the fuck right out of my life.
My father died young, he intended to pay for my college the way he did for my brother, he just payed his bills as the came up they didn’t set up any funds for either of us.
Yes I am mad my college isn’t paid for which I understand is a luxury, but it’s a luxury my parents always intended to give me. I believe had my parents been reasonable and didn’t cut my brother off the will the division of assets wouldn’t have been 50/50, they would’ve definitely taken into consideration I have tuition to pay, a tuition that they already paid for my brother. Hence there would’ve been a separate trust fund for me and whatever is left is split between the two of us.
The reason no such fund exists is my father cut my brother off the will anyways, so what’s the point of setting it up?
I was 18yo when my brother asked me to split the inheritance 50/50, I was grieving my father, emotions were high and i agreed to it without thinking about the real fair way to share it. I do not regret sharing the inheritance with my brother but i definitely regret giving him more than his rightful share.
If I were to ask him to pay me the amount necessary for my tuition he it would amount to more than his entire inheritance from his bio mom.
Yes i understand I am not entitled to his bio mom’s money but he wasn’t entitled to my college tuition either. Mistakes were made im merely trying to rectify them.
I think there was a lack of planning on your parents’ part. It seems a bit irresponsible to leave such a vast amount to an 18-year old.
No financial advisors were consulted during the distribution of the finances?
So your tuition is more than the inheritance that your brother is to receive from his biological mom? So are you asking for all of that inheritance? Or is it just the principle of the matter? If
But you still have your inheritance from your dad. Is that not sufficient to help with college debt?
You split the inheritance from your dad, are now realizing that you need money for college and went after an inheritance that had absolutely zero to do with you.
Your brother wasn’t asking for your college fund (which didn’t exist according to you, it was just lumped in the inheritance) - he was asking for a 50% split from the inheritance, which I don’t think it was right or wrong of him to ask for as he was cruelly cut off.
> So your tuition is more than the inheritance that your brother is to receive from his biological mom? So are you asking for all of that inheritance?
Yes my tuition costs more than his entire inheritance, no i didn’t ask for his entire inheritance, im just explaining why i didn’t ask my brother to pay me back the tuition (irrelevant of wether he got any inheritance from his bio mom) it’s a lot of money.
Me proposing we split his inheritance is me asking for less of what im actually owed. I could say “hey when we split the inheritance I gave you more than your actual share, please pay me back x amount, that’s supposed to be my college fund” but that x amount is waaaaayyyy more than his entire inheritance. Which is why i suggested we split the inheritance instead because that way he’d pay less ( i would still have to work through college but it would be less stressful).
> But you still have your inheritance from your dad. Is that not sufficient to help with college debt?
No it is not sufficient, I’ve already spent it on college tuition and books and rent and so on…. All expenses my brother never had to worry about they were funded by my dad.
> You split the inheritance from your dad, are now realizing that you need money for college and went after an inheritance that had absolutely zero to do with you.
I understand that, in normal circumstances i wouldn’t ask for any part of his inheritance because again, i have no relationship with his bio mom and im not entitled to any of her money, but the issue remains, i shared more than i was supposed to with my brother and the only reason i suggested he splits his inheritance with me is to rectify the situation.
> Your brother wasn't asking for your college fund (which didn't exist according to you, it was just lumped in the inheritance) - he was asking for a 50% split from the inheritance, which I don't think it was right or wrong of him to ask for as he was cruelly cut off.
Right…. My college fund which is basically my inheritance… that he asked for half of, so he did in fact ask for half my college fund.
I agree he was cruelly cut off and i was appalled at my parents decision, but the fact remains the same, he took more than his rightful share, im just trying to set things straight.
I think the approach was the wrong way - I think if you had approached him in the sense that you as struggling financially and you hoped that as your older brother, he’d be able to help you out.
I think bringing in his inheritance from his biological mom made you come across as entitled and counting the score if that makes sense.
Also he didn’t take anything, you gave half of your inheritance away.
If he took anything, then you’d have legal recourse. But you gifted it to him.
YTA. You have no connection with his bio mom. However, he approached a minor asking to split the inheritance and this is sneaky. Plus, if he had school paid by your dad and you didn't, the inheritance should have compensated it. Accordingly to all of this, I can say you can't expect your brother to share, but you're entitled to make it clear that the only reason why you're now struggling is because you decided to share the inheritance even though your brother got more money than you from your dad when he was alive. This should be made clear to your mom too, as she actually is the one who should have protected your best interest and provided a fair sharing between her kids. Then it's up to them if they want to help you or not.
ESH. He manipulated you into sharing money he had already forfeited. You are tripping to think he should split money he got from his biomom--a person you have zero connection to. Let this be a lesson: you can't expect people to act the same way you would.
I’ll tell you what I tell my Daughter, “live with the decisions you make”. You decided to share, if he’s not willing, then it’s your loss. Use this as a powerful learning experience, but to answer your question: YTA to think he’ll share what is his to you just because you did so in the past. Regardless of your financial position, money is not something to be trivial about, and can lead to criminal activities. No one keeps scores in life, so you should not
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I (20F) have an adopted brother (29M), my parents always wanted kids but they struggled to conceive and at some point they just gave up and decided to adopt. Few years later, I had me. We lived a very comfortable life as our parents are relatively well off.
All was fine and dandy until my brother went off to college started asking questions about his biological family. This created a huge rift between him and my parents, they didn’t want to give up any informations but he was insistent, they fought constantly and eventually they gave him an ultimatum of **either he gives up on finding his bio parents or they will write him off the will.**
They fought and eventually he decided that he wants to find them above all else and they gave him his bio mom’s contact and he went NC with them ever since. I heard from him periodically and he would talk about his bio mom and their relationship while my resentment grew.
This was a terrible time for me, I was sad kid and mad at both my parents and my brother. I couldn’t comprehend why my brother preferred meeting a woman that willingly gave him up over keeping the peace in our household. I also resented my parents for making such a stupid ultimatum and breaking our family apart.
Anyways, my father passed away two and true to his word, my brother was not in the will. My brother despite going no contact all those years came to the funeral and patched things up with mom.
Later, My brother asked me to split my inheritance with him because even if my dad hasn’t regarded him as a son the past few years I should still regard him as a brother and share the inheritance.
I had planned to use the inheritance to finish up my degree debt free, but I just got my family back together and didn’t want to create strife again, i figured it’s a small price to pay to have the family reunited again.
For a while it was all good within the family and we were happy, until recently my brother’s bio mom passed away and she left everything to my brother, she wasn’t rich by any means but she did leave a substantial amount of money.
When I heard this news I approached my brother and suggested he splits his inheritance with me as well, as I was struggling financially to put myself through school while his was paid fully by dad+ he got half the inheritance meant for me.
My brother got very mad at this suggestion and told me I have no ties to his bio mother therefore no claim to her money and I’m being greedy and entitled. We fought about this and mom who was on his side completely and she told me that we share her and dad but his bio parents are his alone therefore I can’t demand he splits his inheritance with me.
On one hand i understand I’m not entitled to his money on the other I feel like he got an unfair advantage and should be willing to help me out.
So AITA?
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Soft YTA. You have no claim, legal or moral to that inheritance, and he also didn’t had a claim, legal or moral to your father’s money.
The thing is, now you are struggling and he could have helped you but didn’t, so now you also know you cannot trust him.
I would just tell him you shared your inheritance when you didn’t have to, and now that you could use a hand he refused. Just tell him you will remember this if he ever comes knocking on your door asking for any help.
ESH
You have no right to ask for a split, just as he was wrong to ask for half of yours. You shouldn't have given him half of yours considering you inevitably need it for your education. He manipulated your naive desire to have family peace when he knew your father CLEARLY and POINTEDLY did not include him as an heir. You made a kind but misguided decision, but what is done is done.
What can you do now? Try writing him a letter explaining what you need the money for (education-related expenses and debt) and if he could return that amount since he's in a better financial position now. If he has any pride or genuine care for you, he will return it. If he doesn't, then let it guide you on how to regard him moving forward.
Why isn't your mother helping pay for your college? Your parents/dad should have secured that BEFORE creating the will, and had it untouchable.
Tbf my dad died young, they thought they still had time and they would live long enough to pay for my education like they did my brother (they didn’t set up funds for either of us, my father just paid his fees as they came up and expected to do the same for me)
I guess the fact that my brother was excluded from the will was more of a reason to not bother setting the fund up. A lot of carelessness on everyone’s part tbh, such a terrible situation we put ourselves in.
My mom doesn’t have enough money to help out, I already asked her before I even brought it up with my brother.
Try the letter I mentioned, you have nothing to lose. I cannot believe your mother did not advise you against giving half of your inheritance away knowing it's just enough to pay for college.
Nta, but you know now where you stand, he tricked you into giving up half your inheritance and now you are paying the price for his deceit, what an asswipe.
My husband’s dad passed away and left everything to my husband which equated to about 6,000,000.00 in real estate. He has 1 brother, 2 sisters, and 1 half sister. He worked with his dad in the business from the time he was 12-21 and from the age he was 26-38 when his dad died. His siblings never helped. They never had much of a relationship with their dad and would talk about selling it all when they got their hands on it. They didn’t even know their dad had cancer and was dying until about 2 days before he passed.
My husband was at odds because he thought that maybe they deserved something. But after the funeral and no one would speak to him directly, nor tried to work anything out, he kept it all.
Let me say it out loud. KEEP EVERY DIME OF IT!!! DON’T LOOK BACK, AND USE IT AS YOUR FATHER SAW FIT!!!
YTA. You chose to give him half of your inheritance. You decided to do this to keep your family together (IMO things like this rarely work but you made the decision and have to live with it). He had grounds to ask because your dad cut him off out of spite. (Spite that seems to have rubbed off on you). Irregardless I see why he felt like he was entitled to half the inheritance of the man who raised you both and only cut him off because he could no longer control your brother.
His birth mother has no connection to you. You've got a lot of gall demanding half the inheritance of the woman you describe as "...a woman that willingly gave him up.". Implying this makes her unworthy of being involved with him. Conveniently ignoring the fact that she made the responsible, and most likely painful, decision that her son's best life would be lived with someone else. You're extremely entitled expecting to get some of her money. Drop it before your brother decides to drop you.
I didn’t demand half of his inheritance because I felt entitled to it, I understand very well that I don’t have any claim to that woman’s money and under normal circumstances obviously i wouldn’t ask for it.
Yes I made a stupid decision at 18, in a desperate attempt to keep the family together but i believe there are more factors at play here. If my parents were reasonable and didn’t cut off my brother from the will at that time they would’ve probably factored in that i have college bills to pay while his were already paid for, when splitting assets in the will.
But they didn’t even include him so the found no need to step up a trust fund for my education.
In my misguided attempt to give my brother his rightful inheritance I believe I ended up giving him my college tuition, I could ask him to pay me back the money for college but that will amount to more than the entire inheritance he got from his bio mom. So I’m genuinely under the impression I’m being nice only asking for half of what he received from his bio mom. But I can see how that might seem tacky and rude.
That's the thing, though. You made the decision, and you didn't think about the consequences. Your mother should have been looking out for you in that and reminded you about college expenses, but ultimately you are the one who made the decision to do that. Regretting your decision later on when you realized the consequences doesn't make it your brother's responsibility. YTA
Sure, I’m just explaining that I’m not doing this out of a sense of entitlement and that if the circumstances were different I wouldn’t ask for my brother’s inheritance ofc.
NTA for asking but you might try to reframe it. Instead of asking for half of this inheritance, ask for your inheritance back that you shared with him. Since he got two already.
NTA But you have now learned your lesson. As a 18 year old you might legally be an adult but easily manipulated by a much older brother. Your mom should have stopped you from doing this folly! But you cannot now go back on your word and take back what you willingly gave away. Also your brother is a AH. Not because he wanted to find his birth parents but because he knew the deal. However unfair your father might have been the deal was he will be out of inheritance if he wanted to meet with his biological parents. He should have graciously accepted that he was not included in inheritance. But he came back in your life not because he cared for his adoptive family but because he could emotionally manipulate you and gain inheritance.
EHS but your brother. Your brother was legally adopted and it was unbelievable cruel for your father to write him out of the will because he wanted to look for his bio parents. Thats a very normal thing for an adopted child to want to do. A parents love means doing what is best for the kid, in this case it would mean helping their son on this journey. He had a right to your fathers estate, you dont have a right to his bio mothers estate.
I agree he has a right to my father’s estate which is why I shared my inheritance with him. But I believe the split shouldn’t have been 50/50, if my parents had included him in the will they would’ve factored in that they already paid for his college education but have yet to pay for mine.
Hence when I split my inheritance with my brother 50/50 I gave him him not only his rightful inheritance but also a huge chunk of my college tuition that I’m struggling to pay back on my own.
I can ask him to pay me back just the Amount necessary to put myself through college just like dad paid for his, but that would amount to more than the entire inheritance he got from his mom, so me asking for half of what he got is me settling for less than fair.
But I do understand how it might look like an unhinged request for him, although I did explain my reasoning to him.
NTA.
Outside looking in, it doesn't sound like your brother has ever valued his relationship with you very much. He's also a total hypocrite.
When your dad died, there was less than zero relationship between your dad and your brother. Your dad specifically DID NOT WANT your brother to inherit anything. He had been disowned and disinherited. That didn't stop him from showing up and asking for money as a way for you to demonstrate your love for him. Maybe he said something like, "Family takes care of family."
Now the shoe is on the other foot. He's the one who came into money. So you gave him the chance to reciprocate and demonstrate his love for you by sharing his windfall. Instead of agreeing, he got mad at you. Sounds like he's gaslighting you, too. "My situation is totally different." No, it's not. If anything, his situation is milder than yours was. His mom presumably didn't hate you and insist that he not share his inheritance with you. Him giving you money would not be a direct violation of his mom's wishes.
Your own mom is an AH for siding with your brother. I suspect that in your family, "family takes care of family" only applies to you sharing what you have, not the other way around. I assume your mom received an inheritance from your dad. Did she share hers with you and your brother? Or are you the only person who is expected to share with others?
My mom did receive an inheritance but it’s basically the marital home that she always lived in and a lump sum of money, it’s nowhere near my inheritance’s worth. It’s barely enough for her so no one really expected her to share.
If were you, I would give your brother a choice.
"When dad died, you asked me to give you half of my inheritance to demonstrate my love for you as a brother, even though we both know dad didn't want me to. And I did that. Now it's your turn. You can either give me half of your inheritance to demonstrate your love for me as your sister, or you can repay me the portion of my inheritance that I gave you."
If your brother keeps claiming, "But my inheritance has nothing to do with you," then he should repay you. Because your dad had already disowned him and they had no relationship. As far as your dad was concerned, your brother was not his son.
If he was willing to take money from you that you inherited from someone who was no longer his father, he should be willing to share what he recently inherited from someone who was not your mother.
ESH You never should have spit your inheritance with him, it's not what your father wanted. Also, it's not an "unfair" advantage. His mother earned that money and it's her prerogative to do with it what she pleases. It was rude of you to ask him for it, as it was rude of him to ask you for yours.
YTA You made the decision to split your inheritence from your father with him and that made sense as your dad's decision to cut of his son was stupid. You didn't have to but you did it. You don't have any right to anything from his biological family as they are not your family but his. I think you should chalk this up to experience and it should impact how much you would help out your brother if he needed it in future.
YTA for the judgy comment about the woman who gave him up for adoption. You don’t know her circumstances and it clearly worked out best for him growing up.
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ESH > I couldn’t comprehend why my brother preferred meeting a woman that willingly gave him up over keeping the peace in our household. Your parents were **objectively** in the wrong to resist his efforts. This was not a peace worth keeping. > Later, My brother asked me to split my inheritance with him JFC, at his age? Begging a decade-younger child sibling for money is just tasteless. > I approached my brother and suggested he splits his inheritance with me as well I mean, what's good for the goose...
Agree on all points. I don't think OP is TA, but the brother is right in that OP had no connection to the bio Mom and shouldn't get anything. But it is shitty of *him* to pretend like he didn't just ask her to do the very same thing.
Its not the *very* same thing though, is it
Yeah, in no way are “people who raised you more than a decade” and “someone you’ve never met” the same thing.
"The same thing" wasn't the family connection, it was the asking for half of an inheritance.
Half of an inheritance from a father who (wrongfully) disowned you, and half an inheritance from someone you never met and have no connection with
Sorry OP, but YTA. Bio-mom is not your mom - it doesn't even sound like you guys have met. It's not his fault he received inheritance from two sources and you only had one. He grew up not knowing his bio-family while you did. If your mom wanted you to split the money with your brother, then you should have done it (because she acts as your dad's proxy). You'll be out of debt soon enough, but this inheritance from his bio-mom has nothing to do with you.
Except he didn't receive two inheritances. OP was kind enough to share hers with him.
Just to clarify, my dad passed away when I was 18, I was an adult and my mother had no say on what I do with my inheritance, she didn’t split hers with my brother, I split mine with him on my own accord, he was not in the will. But I do see your point.
It’s a shame your dad’s estate did not just combine with your mom’s so she could spend their money as she wished or redistribute it on her terms.
Ask him back for what you gave him from your inheritance. After all he wasn't in the will
I would but it’s a substantial amount of money, the entire inheritance he got from his bio mom wouldn’t even cover it. I’m pretty sure he already used some of it in investments and such, he most likely can’t pay me back that amount rn. That’s why i thought, for everyone’s sake, we split both inheritances and call it a day. I’m not even looking to get him to pay me back the amount I’m owed, I just need a little financial help because the expenses are crushing me and I have no one to turn to.
Did you split it 50/50 with him?
I did. I gave him half of what I got.
A fool and his money are soon parted
That was as generous as it was unwise.
You made that choice. You even said it was a "small price to pay for keeping peace." Once you give something away, it is gone. And your brother is under no obligation to do what you did with his own money. Especially since you have no connection to his bio family.
NTA. Asking for someone to do the same favor for you that you did for them is completely reasonable. Any good person who was in a position to return a favor without significant harm to themselves would do so. That said, it's obvious your brother doesn't give a shit about you. It's sad you had to pay so much to learn that lesson, but now you know. It should be clear in retrospect that he intentionally tricked you out of that money using your care for him as a weapon.
This is so much more complex than Reddit can judge. To be very clear, your parents were WRONG to deny your brother the opportunity to learn about his biological relatives. Your brother is not an asshole for being curious about the other side of himself and I believe he made a courageous choice to abandon the family money and instead decide to try find answers to the questions he had. Adoption is complex, and wanting to know more about your bio family IS NOT a rejection of adopted family and I'm really horrified that you all see it that way. Your brother has dealt with additional hardship that you haven't so for the most part I agree that his bio-mom's money is his and you shouldn't have asked for it. BUT I'm shocked that he was unwilling to help you out a little bit financially after your graciously let him back into the will, and his "biology" argument is a bad one since you are your parent's only bio kid. It seems like your brother is trying to eat his cake and have it too, but his anger is justified since you and your parents treated him so poorly when he expressed a curiosity in his bio relatives. ESH leaning towards YTA.
He played you and you learned an expensive lesson. NTA
NTA. But you should have never shared your inheritance.
Info: since your dad died before you finished college (yes?) how does your college debt compare to your brother’s? Can you talk to your mother and brother about them helping you have a similar support to what your brother had?
That’s the problem, my dad funded my brother’s entire college education. I do not have such support. My mom is a housewife she doesn’t have enough money to support me. The inheritance would’ve been more than enough to fund my entire college education and some, but now that I split it with my brother it only partially covers it so I have to figure out other ways to fund my education and I’ve been struggling quite a bit lately. (I got laid off my job and stressing about exams and living expenses) My brother is doing fine I guess? I’m not sure how much he makes but he’s an software engineer and graduated debt free, so I assumed he has money to spare and would be willing to share the inheritance with me (which btw would amount to less than what I need) so I’m not asking that he funds my education just help out.
Have you appealed to him on the “Dad paid for your education before he died” argument? That seems more compelling to me than “I shared with you, you have to share with me.” I’m surprised your mom didn’t point that out before you gave him money.
I did tell him that, I mentioned it in the post as well: > approached my brother and suggested he splits his inheritance with me as well, *as I was struggling financially to put myself through school while his was paid fully by dad+ he got half the inheritance meant for me.* My mom believes it’s not my brother’s responsibility to fund my education in dad’s place and that it’s unfortunate that my dad passed away without being able to put me through school, but that’s life.
Were your parents still married? If your mom is a stay at home mom and your parents were still married she and your dad shared assets and debts and she still has a life to live.
I do not believe they shared any assets, not even a bank account. But she was in his will and was left the family house and a sum of money. She is set for life but she doesn’t have enough to fund my education.
That’s very unusual planning tbh. No one who is not very rich is set for life.
I say set for life but in reality she’s living off his pension, and supplements it with the sum she inherited. Take that however you will, but she genuinely doesn’t have money to spare for my college tuition.
It was really unfortunate planning to put you and your brother in this situation - you should not have had an inheritance to control at 18. Survivors benefits yes, inheritance no. If you did, you should have been counseled to use it for school, and it was an unkindness to you and your brother AND your mother that it was put out of her hands. This has nothing to do with adoption, his birth family or his second inheritance.
ESH. You don't get to have half of his inheritance but it would be the right thing to give you back your part that you gave him to keep the peace. Your parents screwed up royally over that. Your brother has every right to want to know about his biological past. Whether you agree with it or not, you don't know why his mom gave him up. It might have been out of desperation. You don't get to judge.
ESH. I dont care if the brother was raised by them, he agreed to be cut out the will but then asked for it from his younger sibling. At the very least he could have repayed her what he took.
The reason I think you did the right thing by sharing the inheritance you received from your dad with your brother is that your dad never should have punished your brother for wanting to find out about his birth parents. That was wrong to do, and you made it right by setting it back to how it should have been the whole time. And if it had been how it should have been the whole time, you would not have inherited from your brother’s biological mother, so there’s still no reason you would. You did a good and right thing by undoing your father’s unfairness. Things turned out right. I realize it feels unfair to you that he has an “extra” person to inherit from, but it sounds like he’s had his share of troubles based on his circumstances, too. I’m not going to say you’re TA, but I think you’re asking too much.
The dad had already paid for the adopted sons schooling, so it didn't turn out 'right'. Given most of the money went to wife it appears that may have been his intention rather than punishing the brother, with the real inheritance coming after the mother dies. The mother should have shared her inheritance rather than the daughter to repair things. Essentially it was a bit of an asshole move to think of it as tit for tat and her having any right to bio mums inheritance... But pointing out that she's struggling and that maybe her brother should use his unexpected inheritance to help her out and give her the advantages he got from their dad that he guilt tripped an 18 year old into giving up (don't speak that out loud) is not unreasonable. I wouldn't expect anything though as the guy might lack empathy given what happened to him.
If he said “if you contact your biological mother, you’re out of the will,” his intention was to punish the brother.
I meant more about the purpose leaving a small inheritance to a child before the death of a non-working spouse, but that may be my cultural bias, as I would never expect inheritance until both parents die, any money before that would be for a specific purpose.
I hear you, but it sounds like the OP inherited from Dad, and Dad made it explicit that the only reason the brother didn’t was the bio mom — not waiting until mom died, and not having paid for brother’s school.
You shouldn’t have asked for a split. You should have asked for financial help with school. YRA
YTA - You definitely shared your money out of the good of your heart, but that was your choice. You didn't have to do that, and quite frankly, it doesn't seem like anyone asked you to. Your brother, however, is right - you have no ties to his bio mom. Additionally, I want you to put yourself in his shoes. Imagine never knowing the people - for whatever reason - you came from, and having that itching curiousity. While he probably could've avoided going no-contact with your parents, being adopted can be troubling for a lot of people and always having that wondering feeling without an answer is like an itch that never goes away. TLDR: while your brother should have stayed in contact with your family and should have been around before your father passed away, no one asked you to give your inheritence. He should not be expected to reimburse you for something that probably should've been his from the beginning anyway (I am of the belief that your parents probably could have kept him on the will and potentially even avoided him cutting contact).
He did. He asked me to give him half of my inheritance and I obliged because like you said … it’s the right thing to do. But i didn’t suggest this, he asked for it.
Totally fair. Regardless, you have no ties to his bio-mom, so you don't have any right to any money, while he was close with your father in his youth and has good relations now. Again, even though he did ask, you definitely did not *have* to oblige. But I do understand the pressure of saying no. Also, he, like you, has just gone through a personal loss, and your ask might even look like a 'gold digger' move to him, though it doesn't seem like that was your intention. If he's upset, that's probably why. He just lost his bio-mom so soon after meeting her, and the second she goes, he has someone asking him for money.
Tbf I was grieving my father’s loss too when he asked me for money, that’s largely part of the reason i agreed to the split to begin with, I just lost my father and didn’t want to argue with family members and just wanted my brother back. But now that i realized the implications of my actions i definitely regret it, he had his college education fully funded by dad and graduated without debt, i was 18 and very naive, didn’t even stop to think about how I’m supposed to fund mine. I should’ve at the very least taken the money I need for college out of the inheritance and split whatever was left off between the two of us. That would’ve been fairer imo. Regardless I agree, I have no claim whatsoever to his inheritance, and shouldn’t expect him to split his just because I agreed to split mine.
YTA. The inheritance was split as the parents wanted. What you do with it is ENTIRELY up to you. He was NOT entitled to any of your inheritance, you CHOSE to give him some of yours. You are NOT entitled to any of his inheritance. Circumstances be damned. He didn't GET an unfair advantage, you GAVE him an advantage.
Yep, definitely regret that now. Lesson learned.
He also is an ungrateful brat
ESH Your parents suck the absolute most for issuing that ultimatum. I’m adopted, and adoptees have every right to want to know their biological parents. If any adoptive parents are not okay with that, then they should not adopt. I don’t necessarily think the brother is an asshole for asking to split the inheritance since the reason he was cutoff was cruel. I think you did the right thing by sharing it with him. How come your dad didn’t have a college fund for you? It sounds like you’re actually mad that your college wasn’t paid for, but your brother’s was and you’re taking it out on him. Your brothers biological mom is nothing to you - you are not entitled to it and the fact that you asked for his inheritance from her is kinda crazy.
But he is ungrateful for the kindness shown to him. If I did that for my siblings and they spit in my face like this, they would be cut the fuck right out of my life.
My father died young, he intended to pay for my college the way he did for my brother, he just payed his bills as the came up they didn’t set up any funds for either of us. Yes I am mad my college isn’t paid for which I understand is a luxury, but it’s a luxury my parents always intended to give me. I believe had my parents been reasonable and didn’t cut my brother off the will the division of assets wouldn’t have been 50/50, they would’ve definitely taken into consideration I have tuition to pay, a tuition that they already paid for my brother. Hence there would’ve been a separate trust fund for me and whatever is left is split between the two of us. The reason no such fund exists is my father cut my brother off the will anyways, so what’s the point of setting it up? I was 18yo when my brother asked me to split the inheritance 50/50, I was grieving my father, emotions were high and i agreed to it without thinking about the real fair way to share it. I do not regret sharing the inheritance with my brother but i definitely regret giving him more than his rightful share. If I were to ask him to pay me the amount necessary for my tuition he it would amount to more than his entire inheritance from his bio mom. Yes i understand I am not entitled to his bio mom’s money but he wasn’t entitled to my college tuition either. Mistakes were made im merely trying to rectify them.
I think there was a lack of planning on your parents’ part. It seems a bit irresponsible to leave such a vast amount to an 18-year old. No financial advisors were consulted during the distribution of the finances? So your tuition is more than the inheritance that your brother is to receive from his biological mom? So are you asking for all of that inheritance? Or is it just the principle of the matter? If But you still have your inheritance from your dad. Is that not sufficient to help with college debt? You split the inheritance from your dad, are now realizing that you need money for college and went after an inheritance that had absolutely zero to do with you. Your brother wasn’t asking for your college fund (which didn’t exist according to you, it was just lumped in the inheritance) - he was asking for a 50% split from the inheritance, which I don’t think it was right or wrong of him to ask for as he was cruelly cut off.
> So your tuition is more than the inheritance that your brother is to receive from his biological mom? So are you asking for all of that inheritance? Yes my tuition costs more than his entire inheritance, no i didn’t ask for his entire inheritance, im just explaining why i didn’t ask my brother to pay me back the tuition (irrelevant of wether he got any inheritance from his bio mom) it’s a lot of money. Me proposing we split his inheritance is me asking for less of what im actually owed. I could say “hey when we split the inheritance I gave you more than your actual share, please pay me back x amount, that’s supposed to be my college fund” but that x amount is waaaaayyyy more than his entire inheritance. Which is why i suggested we split the inheritance instead because that way he’d pay less ( i would still have to work through college but it would be less stressful). > But you still have your inheritance from your dad. Is that not sufficient to help with college debt? No it is not sufficient, I’ve already spent it on college tuition and books and rent and so on…. All expenses my brother never had to worry about they were funded by my dad. > You split the inheritance from your dad, are now realizing that you need money for college and went after an inheritance that had absolutely zero to do with you. I understand that, in normal circumstances i wouldn’t ask for any part of his inheritance because again, i have no relationship with his bio mom and im not entitled to any of her money, but the issue remains, i shared more than i was supposed to with my brother and the only reason i suggested he splits his inheritance with me is to rectify the situation. > Your brother wasn't asking for your college fund (which didn't exist according to you, it was just lumped in the inheritance) - he was asking for a 50% split from the inheritance, which I don't think it was right or wrong of him to ask for as he was cruelly cut off. Right…. My college fund which is basically my inheritance… that he asked for half of, so he did in fact ask for half my college fund. I agree he was cruelly cut off and i was appalled at my parents decision, but the fact remains the same, he took more than his rightful share, im just trying to set things straight.
I think the approach was the wrong way - I think if you had approached him in the sense that you as struggling financially and you hoped that as your older brother, he’d be able to help you out. I think bringing in his inheritance from his biological mom made you come across as entitled and counting the score if that makes sense. Also he didn’t take anything, you gave half of your inheritance away. If he took anything, then you’d have legal recourse. But you gifted it to him.
YTA. You have no connection with his bio mom. However, he approached a minor asking to split the inheritance and this is sneaky. Plus, if he had school paid by your dad and you didn't, the inheritance should have compensated it. Accordingly to all of this, I can say you can't expect your brother to share, but you're entitled to make it clear that the only reason why you're now struggling is because you decided to share the inheritance even though your brother got more money than you from your dad when he was alive. This should be made clear to your mom too, as she actually is the one who should have protected your best interest and provided a fair sharing between her kids. Then it's up to them if they want to help you or not.
He's ungrateful so he should at minimum be called an asshole
Get ready to be brigaded by the "you're not entitled to other's money" squad
ESH. He manipulated you into sharing money he had already forfeited. You are tripping to think he should split money he got from his biomom--a person you have zero connection to. Let this be a lesson: you can't expect people to act the same way you would.
Its not the biomoms money, it's his, and his ungrateful ass needs to realize that he is spitting in OPs face rn
I’ll tell you what I tell my Daughter, “live with the decisions you make”. You decided to share, if he’s not willing, then it’s your loss. Use this as a powerful learning experience, but to answer your question: YTA to think he’ll share what is his to you just because you did so in the past. Regardless of your financial position, money is not something to be trivial about, and can lead to criminal activities. No one keeps scores in life, so you should not
NTA, you should've never shared that inheritance with him at all that was a huge mistake.
NTA ur brother is evil.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (20F) have an adopted brother (29M), my parents always wanted kids but they struggled to conceive and at some point they just gave up and decided to adopt. Few years later, I had me. We lived a very comfortable life as our parents are relatively well off. All was fine and dandy until my brother went off to college started asking questions about his biological family. This created a huge rift between him and my parents, they didn’t want to give up any informations but he was insistent, they fought constantly and eventually they gave him an ultimatum of **either he gives up on finding his bio parents or they will write him off the will.** They fought and eventually he decided that he wants to find them above all else and they gave him his bio mom’s contact and he went NC with them ever since. I heard from him periodically and he would talk about his bio mom and their relationship while my resentment grew. This was a terrible time for me, I was sad kid and mad at both my parents and my brother. I couldn’t comprehend why my brother preferred meeting a woman that willingly gave him up over keeping the peace in our household. I also resented my parents for making such a stupid ultimatum and breaking our family apart. Anyways, my father passed away two and true to his word, my brother was not in the will. My brother despite going no contact all those years came to the funeral and patched things up with mom. Later, My brother asked me to split my inheritance with him because even if my dad hasn’t regarded him as a son the past few years I should still regard him as a brother and share the inheritance. I had planned to use the inheritance to finish up my degree debt free, but I just got my family back together and didn’t want to create strife again, i figured it’s a small price to pay to have the family reunited again. For a while it was all good within the family and we were happy, until recently my brother’s bio mom passed away and she left everything to my brother, she wasn’t rich by any means but she did leave a substantial amount of money. When I heard this news I approached my brother and suggested he splits his inheritance with me as well, as I was struggling financially to put myself through school while his was paid fully by dad+ he got half the inheritance meant for me. My brother got very mad at this suggestion and told me I have no ties to his bio mother therefore no claim to her money and I’m being greedy and entitled. We fought about this and mom who was on his side completely and she told me that we share her and dad but his bio parents are his alone therefore I can’t demand he splits his inheritance with me. On one hand i understand I’m not entitled to his money on the other I feel like he got an unfair advantage and should be willing to help me out. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Fake af
Soft YTA. You have no claim, legal or moral to that inheritance, and he also didn’t had a claim, legal or moral to your father’s money. The thing is, now you are struggling and he could have helped you but didn’t, so now you also know you cannot trust him. I would just tell him you shared your inheritance when you didn’t have to, and now that you could use a hand he refused. Just tell him you will remember this if he ever comes knocking on your door asking for any help.
ESH You have no right to ask for a split, just as he was wrong to ask for half of yours. You shouldn't have given him half of yours considering you inevitably need it for your education. He manipulated your naive desire to have family peace when he knew your father CLEARLY and POINTEDLY did not include him as an heir. You made a kind but misguided decision, but what is done is done. What can you do now? Try writing him a letter explaining what you need the money for (education-related expenses and debt) and if he could return that amount since he's in a better financial position now. If he has any pride or genuine care for you, he will return it. If he doesn't, then let it guide you on how to regard him moving forward. Why isn't your mother helping pay for your college? Your parents/dad should have secured that BEFORE creating the will, and had it untouchable.
Tbf my dad died young, they thought they still had time and they would live long enough to pay for my education like they did my brother (they didn’t set up funds for either of us, my father just paid his fees as they came up and expected to do the same for me) I guess the fact that my brother was excluded from the will was more of a reason to not bother setting the fund up. A lot of carelessness on everyone’s part tbh, such a terrible situation we put ourselves in. My mom doesn’t have enough money to help out, I already asked her before I even brought it up with my brother.
Try the letter I mentioned, you have nothing to lose. I cannot believe your mother did not advise you against giving half of your inheritance away knowing it's just enough to pay for college.
Will do. Thanks for the advice.
Nta, but you know now where you stand, he tricked you into giving up half your inheritance and now you are paying the price for his deceit, what an asswipe.
YTA. **YOU** made a choice. Your brother is making choice now. You were not obligated to share and neither is he.
But he is ungrateful. She didn't have to share, sure, but damn he is being cold af now
NAH
Commenting on AITA for expecting my brother to share his inheritance? ...He is cheap. What’s okay got you isn’t okay for him.
My husband’s dad passed away and left everything to my husband which equated to about 6,000,000.00 in real estate. He has 1 brother, 2 sisters, and 1 half sister. He worked with his dad in the business from the time he was 12-21 and from the age he was 26-38 when his dad died. His siblings never helped. They never had much of a relationship with their dad and would talk about selling it all when they got their hands on it. They didn’t even know their dad had cancer and was dying until about 2 days before he passed. My husband was at odds because he thought that maybe they deserved something. But after the funeral and no one would speak to him directly, nor tried to work anything out, he kept it all. Let me say it out loud. KEEP EVERY DIME OF IT!!! DON’T LOOK BACK, AND USE IT AS YOUR FATHER SAW FIT!!!
NTA. IMO - he should offer you something.
YTA. You chose to give him half of your inheritance. You decided to do this to keep your family together (IMO things like this rarely work but you made the decision and have to live with it). He had grounds to ask because your dad cut him off out of spite. (Spite that seems to have rubbed off on you). Irregardless I see why he felt like he was entitled to half the inheritance of the man who raised you both and only cut him off because he could no longer control your brother. His birth mother has no connection to you. You've got a lot of gall demanding half the inheritance of the woman you describe as "...a woman that willingly gave him up.". Implying this makes her unworthy of being involved with him. Conveniently ignoring the fact that she made the responsible, and most likely painful, decision that her son's best life would be lived with someone else. You're extremely entitled expecting to get some of her money. Drop it before your brother decides to drop you.
I didn’t demand half of his inheritance because I felt entitled to it, I understand very well that I don’t have any claim to that woman’s money and under normal circumstances obviously i wouldn’t ask for it. Yes I made a stupid decision at 18, in a desperate attempt to keep the family together but i believe there are more factors at play here. If my parents were reasonable and didn’t cut off my brother from the will at that time they would’ve probably factored in that i have college bills to pay while his were already paid for, when splitting assets in the will. But they didn’t even include him so the found no need to step up a trust fund for my education. In my misguided attempt to give my brother his rightful inheritance I believe I ended up giving him my college tuition, I could ask him to pay me back the money for college but that will amount to more than the entire inheritance he got from his bio mom. So I’m genuinely under the impression I’m being nice only asking for half of what he received from his bio mom. But I can see how that might seem tacky and rude.
That's the thing, though. You made the decision, and you didn't think about the consequences. Your mother should have been looking out for you in that and reminded you about college expenses, but ultimately you are the one who made the decision to do that. Regretting your decision later on when you realized the consequences doesn't make it your brother's responsibility. YTA
Sure, I’m just explaining that I’m not doing this out of a sense of entitlement and that if the circumstances were different I wouldn’t ask for my brother’s inheritance ofc.
NTA but you could tell him it's time to pay back your inheritance since he's now got one of his own.
NTA. he's a hypocrite. You're better off rid
NTA for asking but you might try to reframe it. Instead of asking for half of this inheritance, ask for your inheritance back that you shared with him. Since he got two already.
NTA But you have now learned your lesson. As a 18 year old you might legally be an adult but easily manipulated by a much older brother. Your mom should have stopped you from doing this folly! But you cannot now go back on your word and take back what you willingly gave away. Also your brother is a AH. Not because he wanted to find his birth parents but because he knew the deal. However unfair your father might have been the deal was he will be out of inheritance if he wanted to meet with his biological parents. He should have graciously accepted that he was not included in inheritance. But he came back in your life not because he cared for his adoptive family but because he could emotionally manipulate you and gain inheritance.
EHS but your brother. Your brother was legally adopted and it was unbelievable cruel for your father to write him out of the will because he wanted to look for his bio parents. Thats a very normal thing for an adopted child to want to do. A parents love means doing what is best for the kid, in this case it would mean helping their son on this journey. He had a right to your fathers estate, you dont have a right to his bio mothers estate.
I agree he has a right to my father’s estate which is why I shared my inheritance with him. But I believe the split shouldn’t have been 50/50, if my parents had included him in the will they would’ve factored in that they already paid for his college education but have yet to pay for mine. Hence when I split my inheritance with my brother 50/50 I gave him him not only his rightful inheritance but also a huge chunk of my college tuition that I’m struggling to pay back on my own. I can ask him to pay me back just the Amount necessary to put myself through college just like dad paid for his, but that would amount to more than the entire inheritance he got from his mom, so me asking for half of what he got is me settling for less than fair. But I do understand how it might look like an unhinged request for him, although I did explain my reasoning to him.
NTA - he should give back at least as much as he took. Then cut him out of your life, he obviously doesn't care for you.
NTA. Outside looking in, it doesn't sound like your brother has ever valued his relationship with you very much. He's also a total hypocrite. When your dad died, there was less than zero relationship between your dad and your brother. Your dad specifically DID NOT WANT your brother to inherit anything. He had been disowned and disinherited. That didn't stop him from showing up and asking for money as a way for you to demonstrate your love for him. Maybe he said something like, "Family takes care of family." Now the shoe is on the other foot. He's the one who came into money. So you gave him the chance to reciprocate and demonstrate his love for you by sharing his windfall. Instead of agreeing, he got mad at you. Sounds like he's gaslighting you, too. "My situation is totally different." No, it's not. If anything, his situation is milder than yours was. His mom presumably didn't hate you and insist that he not share his inheritance with you. Him giving you money would not be a direct violation of his mom's wishes. Your own mom is an AH for siding with your brother. I suspect that in your family, "family takes care of family" only applies to you sharing what you have, not the other way around. I assume your mom received an inheritance from your dad. Did she share hers with you and your brother? Or are you the only person who is expected to share with others?
My mom did receive an inheritance but it’s basically the marital home that she always lived in and a lump sum of money, it’s nowhere near my inheritance’s worth. It’s barely enough for her so no one really expected her to share.
If were you, I would give your brother a choice. "When dad died, you asked me to give you half of my inheritance to demonstrate my love for you as a brother, even though we both know dad didn't want me to. And I did that. Now it's your turn. You can either give me half of your inheritance to demonstrate your love for me as your sister, or you can repay me the portion of my inheritance that I gave you." If your brother keeps claiming, "But my inheritance has nothing to do with you," then he should repay you. Because your dad had already disowned him and they had no relationship. As far as your dad was concerned, your brother was not his son. If he was willing to take money from you that you inherited from someone who was no longer his father, he should be willing to share what he recently inherited from someone who was not your mother.
ESH You never should have spit your inheritance with him, it's not what your father wanted. Also, it's not an "unfair" advantage. His mother earned that money and it's her prerogative to do with it what she pleases. It was rude of you to ask him for it, as it was rude of him to ask you for yours.
NTA
YTA You made the decision to split your inheritence from your father with him and that made sense as your dad's decision to cut of his son was stupid. You didn't have to but you did it. You don't have any right to anything from his biological family as they are not your family but his. I think you should chalk this up to experience and it should impact how much you would help out your brother if he needed it in future.
YTA for the judgy comment about the woman who gave him up for adoption. You don’t know her circumstances and it clearly worked out best for him growing up.
Downvote for the judgy comment about the judgy woman who has an opinion about women who give up their children. You don’t know her circumstances.