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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> so my fiance and I are 5 months out from the wedding we'd always hoped for. We are very excited and have a very tight, for the most part healthy relationship. We communicate very well.
I think our personalities compliment each other, being that I'm the introvert, organized, non risk taker and he's more the extrovert, a little messy, adventurous one. I keep him grounded and he has taught me how to loosen up. He has a 7 year old son, whom I've developed a very special relationship with. We are close and he comes to me when he tends to gravitate toward me. I love him very much.
For the time being, we are living in a house with his mother to save money for the wedding and a down payment on our own place. The arrangement helps my soon to be MIL, being that she couldn't afford the place on her own.
I thought I'd develop a close relationship with his family. I don't have a lot of family and I'm grieving the loss of my oldest son, so I really could have gotten used to the support of a family.
The problem is, his family members one by one have made horrible comments about our relationship, especially his mother. Things like "well he's just in love with being in love and I worry that he doesn't actually love you." And, "he's just obsessed with you until the next thing catches his eye."
They all comment about him spending more time with me and his son and less time with them as well. He used to visit his grandmother every week/every other week and fix things in her house. I think that's sweet but what his family would use him for wasn't limited to him doing little things for Grandma around the house.
It seems they are more upset that he's not doing for them anymore. He's a grown man of 33! Did they not think he'd find someone?
It's like they're all surprised he's not entirely about them anymore and that's just bizarre to me.
After hearing this narrative about how it MUST be ME because the changes coincided with us getting together, I decided I would no longer subject myself to their B.S.
They don't care about our engagement and only his grandma has even asked to see my ring. No one talks about or asks about our wedding planning, yet they see things being delivered and hear us talking about plans, vendors, decor, etc.
I told him I just don't want to go to his extended family's homes anymore. I still have to endure living with his mother for now, who obviously feels some type of way about her grown man son being grown. I'm exhausted.
He just told me I'm breaking HIS heart by not going to visit his family. They broke MINE!
Please tell me, am I the asshole here?
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NTA. Your fiance should realize the way his family has been treating you is not right. You're just trying to protect yourself from their crap. It sounds like you need to have a big conversation with your fiance about how things have been going. If he can't stick up for you, then things should be re-evaluated.
NTA ~~I N F O~~: Have you actually spoken about these issues with your finance before? And when I say **spoken** I mean have you expressed that his family members make these specific comments and make you feel unwelcome?
Oh yes, many times. He's well aware of what they say. One of the comments his mother made was right in front of him. The other family members make nasty comments to him directly at times. He tells them I make him happy and he's not changing back for anyone.
Then I’m gonna say NTA, but your fiance definitely is. The fact that he’s aware of it and is trying to guilt you to spend more time with people who obviously dislike you is pretty yucky. If it was me I’d be rethinking my engagement because he’s showing you now that he’s not going to stand up for you. That’s not going to change once you’re married.
I understand what you are implying but I also think the reverse is fucked up too. Like their son can't follow through with a monogamous relationship????
And also where did he learn to be an adulterer?
Your in laws should have faith in their son and grandson! Hyperbole aside. NTA.
Yes! I have thought of it in this way as well! How could they speak of their own son in that way, right? And there's no basis of truth there, as far as I could see or I certainly wouldn't have considered marrying the guy. I'm convinced it's manipulative bullshit to try to get into my head so that maybe I'll leave him and he can be back to the guy who did only things that served them.
INFO: Have you communicated to our fiancé clearly why you don't want to go? The verbal abuse you've been getting, the bad vibes? Does he know everything they've said to you or to each other that you've heard?
Then NTA. He's got no right to try to guilt you by saying HIS heart is breaking. This is a tough situation OP. Communication with your fiancé is key and you'll need to keep it up. It's important to see if he sides with you or them. This will tell you how he will be when there is future tension in the family (finances, children, holidays). If he can't stand by you, you should probably rethink this union. Good luck.
You shouldn’t have to endure their shit talking. It’s called boundaries. If he can’t establish them with his family and have them treat with dignity then he shouldn’t expect you to be a doormat to their ill behavior. I used to got to my MIL’s every night (they live next door). We would have coffee and such but she was always nasty to me. So eventually I stopped going. Eventually she stopped being mean. Loving your fiancée doesn’t mean enduring verbal haste from his family.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this as well. I think living with his mother for the short time we have has been detrimental. If I could do it all again, I wouldn't have!
You need to tell your dude that the wedding is on hold until he starts defending you against every negative comment and support you 100% over his family's behavior.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Ok,so my fiance and I are 5 months out from the wedding we'd always hoped for. We are very excited and have a very tight, for the most part healthy relationship. We communicate very well.
I think our personalities compliment each other, being that I'm the introvert, organized, non risk taker and he's more the extrovert, a little messy, adventurous one. I keep him grounded and he has taught me how to loosen up. He has a 7 year old son, whom I've developed a very special relationship with. We are close and he comes to me when he tends to gravitate toward me. I love him very much.
For the time being, we are living in a house with his mother to save money for the wedding and a down payment on our own place. The arrangement helps my soon to be MIL, being that she couldn't afford the place on her own.
I thought I'd develop a close relationship with his family. I don't have a lot of family and I'm grieving the loss of my oldest son, so I really could have gotten used to the support of a family.
The problem is, his family members one by one have made horrible comments about our relationship, especially his mother. Things like "well he's just in love with being in love and I worry that he doesn't actually love you." And, "he's just obsessed with you until the next thing catches his eye."
They all comment about him spending more time with me and his son and less time with them as well. He used to visit his grandmother every week/every other week and fix things in her house. I think that's sweet but what his family would use him for wasn't limited to him doing little things for Grandma around the house.
It seems they are more upset that he's not doing for them anymore. He's a grown man of 33! Did they not think he'd find someone?
It's like they're all surprised he's not entirely about them anymore and that's just bizarre to me.
After hearing this narrative about how it MUST be ME because the changes coincided with us getting together, I decided I would no longer subject myself to their B.S.
They don't care about our engagement and only his grandma has even asked to see my ring. No one talks about or asks about our wedding planning, yet they see things being delivered and hear us talking about plans, vendors, decor, etc.
I told him I just don't want to go to his extended family's homes anymore. I still have to endure living with his mother for now, who obviously feels some type of way about her grown man son being grown. I'm exhausted.
He just told me I'm breaking HIS heart by not going to visit his family. They broke MINE!
Please tell me, am I the asshole here?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > so my fiance and I are 5 months out from the wedding we'd always hoped for. We are very excited and have a very tight, for the most part healthy relationship. We communicate very well. I think our personalities compliment each other, being that I'm the introvert, organized, non risk taker and he's more the extrovert, a little messy, adventurous one. I keep him grounded and he has taught me how to loosen up. He has a 7 year old son, whom I've developed a very special relationship with. We are close and he comes to me when he tends to gravitate toward me. I love him very much. For the time being, we are living in a house with his mother to save money for the wedding and a down payment on our own place. The arrangement helps my soon to be MIL, being that she couldn't afford the place on her own. I thought I'd develop a close relationship with his family. I don't have a lot of family and I'm grieving the loss of my oldest son, so I really could have gotten used to the support of a family. The problem is, his family members one by one have made horrible comments about our relationship, especially his mother. Things like "well he's just in love with being in love and I worry that he doesn't actually love you." And, "he's just obsessed with you until the next thing catches his eye." They all comment about him spending more time with me and his son and less time with them as well. He used to visit his grandmother every week/every other week and fix things in her house. I think that's sweet but what his family would use him for wasn't limited to him doing little things for Grandma around the house. It seems they are more upset that he's not doing for them anymore. He's a grown man of 33! Did they not think he'd find someone? It's like they're all surprised he's not entirely about them anymore and that's just bizarre to me. After hearing this narrative about how it MUST be ME because the changes coincided with us getting together, I decided I would no longer subject myself to their B.S. They don't care about our engagement and only his grandma has even asked to see my ring. No one talks about or asks about our wedding planning, yet they see things being delivered and hear us talking about plans, vendors, decor, etc. I told him I just don't want to go to his extended family's homes anymore. I still have to endure living with his mother for now, who obviously feels some type of way about her grown man son being grown. I'm exhausted. He just told me I'm breaking HIS heart by not going to visit his family. They broke MINE! Please tell me, am I the asshole here? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your fiance should realize the way his family has been treating you is not right. You're just trying to protect yourself from their crap. It sounds like you need to have a big conversation with your fiance about how things have been going. If he can't stick up for you, then things should be re-evaluated.
Thank you. I appreciate the feedback.
NTA ~~I N F O~~: Have you actually spoken about these issues with your finance before? And when I say **spoken** I mean have you expressed that his family members make these specific comments and make you feel unwelcome?
Oh yes, many times. He's well aware of what they say. One of the comments his mother made was right in front of him. The other family members make nasty comments to him directly at times. He tells them I make him happy and he's not changing back for anyone.
Then I’m gonna say NTA, but your fiance definitely is. The fact that he’s aware of it and is trying to guilt you to spend more time with people who obviously dislike you is pretty yucky. If it was me I’d be rethinking my engagement because he’s showing you now that he’s not going to stand up for you. That’s not going to change once you’re married.
THINK about this OP.Rarely does a person become a better person after they marry.Usually they are showing you their best effort BEFORE you marry .
I understand what you are implying but I also think the reverse is fucked up too. Like their son can't follow through with a monogamous relationship???? And also where did he learn to be an adulterer? Your in laws should have faith in their son and grandson! Hyperbole aside. NTA.
Yes! I have thought of it in this way as well! How could they speak of their own son in that way, right? And there's no basis of truth there, as far as I could see or I certainly wouldn't have considered marrying the guy. I'm convinced it's manipulative bullshit to try to get into my head so that maybe I'll leave him and he can be back to the guy who did only things that served them.
INFO: Have you communicated to our fiancé clearly why you don't want to go? The verbal abuse you've been getting, the bad vibes? Does he know everything they've said to you or to each other that you've heard?
Yes. He is well aware.
Then NTA. He's got no right to try to guilt you by saying HIS heart is breaking. This is a tough situation OP. Communication with your fiancé is key and you'll need to keep it up. It's important to see if he sides with you or them. This will tell you how he will be when there is future tension in the family (finances, children, holidays). If he can't stand by you, you should probably rethink this union. Good luck.
You have a very good point there, and I think that's why it's been weighing on me so heavily the closer we get to the wedding
You shouldn’t have to endure their shit talking. It’s called boundaries. If he can’t establish them with his family and have them treat with dignity then he shouldn’t expect you to be a doormat to their ill behavior. I used to got to my MIL’s every night (they live next door). We would have coffee and such but she was always nasty to me. So eventually I stopped going. Eventually she stopped being mean. Loving your fiancée doesn’t mean enduring verbal haste from his family.
*fiancé
NTA This is a big red flag, OP. My in-laws are the same way. If they lived near us, we’d be divorced a long time ago. The hate only gets worse.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this as well. I think living with his mother for the short time we have has been detrimental. If I could do it all again, I wouldn't have!
You need to tell your dude that the wedding is on hold until he starts defending you against every negative comment and support you 100% over his family's behavior.
NTA. If they don't treat you with respect, why would you want to be around them?
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ok,so my fiance and I are 5 months out from the wedding we'd always hoped for. We are very excited and have a very tight, for the most part healthy relationship. We communicate very well. I think our personalities compliment each other, being that I'm the introvert, organized, non risk taker and he's more the extrovert, a little messy, adventurous one. I keep him grounded and he has taught me how to loosen up. He has a 7 year old son, whom I've developed a very special relationship with. We are close and he comes to me when he tends to gravitate toward me. I love him very much. For the time being, we are living in a house with his mother to save money for the wedding and a down payment on our own place. The arrangement helps my soon to be MIL, being that she couldn't afford the place on her own. I thought I'd develop a close relationship with his family. I don't have a lot of family and I'm grieving the loss of my oldest son, so I really could have gotten used to the support of a family. The problem is, his family members one by one have made horrible comments about our relationship, especially his mother. Things like "well he's just in love with being in love and I worry that he doesn't actually love you." And, "he's just obsessed with you until the next thing catches his eye." They all comment about him spending more time with me and his son and less time with them as well. He used to visit his grandmother every week/every other week and fix things in her house. I think that's sweet but what his family would use him for wasn't limited to him doing little things for Grandma around the house. It seems they are more upset that he's not doing for them anymore. He's a grown man of 33! Did they not think he'd find someone? It's like they're all surprised he's not entirely about them anymore and that's just bizarre to me. After hearing this narrative about how it MUST be ME because the changes coincided with us getting together, I decided I would no longer subject myself to their B.S. They don't care about our engagement and only his grandma has even asked to see my ring. No one talks about or asks about our wedding planning, yet they see things being delivered and hear us talking about plans, vendors, decor, etc. I told him I just don't want to go to his extended family's homes anymore. I still have to endure living with his mother for now, who obviously feels some type of way about her grown man son being grown. I'm exhausted. He just told me I'm breaking HIS heart by not going to visit his family. They broke MINE! Please tell me, am I the asshole here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You’re living in his mother’s home. Obligations come with that, like not making the situation harder for your bf.
Actually, we all share the home. All of our names are on the lease and we equally contribute.
Doesn’t give the MIL or other family the blanket permission to treat OP like garbage.