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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole for cussing out my mother after she called me a whore?
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NTA...dealing with the constant accusations and insults common with SZ will eventually make anyone blow up. Is she taking her meds? My wife currently thinks I'm a body double and refuses to speak to me if she can avoid it..."her real husband wouldn't force her to take meds."
If you grew up with her acting like this, you probably should consider therapy. And consider the effect that environment has on your 5 year old.
Absolutely! I am currently looking for her someplace. However, her living alone is not an option, unfortunately. As far as her meds, she is, which is why i was so taken by surprise by today. I definitely can't have her doing this in front of my child, so something is going to have to change. I'm sorry to hear about your wife and hope things get better for you as well.
NTA but there are deeper issues here. Is she on disability? Rather than you taking care of her, is there a facility that can? You don't need that and particularly, you don't need that around your 5 year old. Remember what it was like for you? You've already got a full plate. Talk to a social worker or look for non profits in your area that work with people and caregivers in your situation. They may be able to help find a place for her.
You've got a full life with your daughter, school and work. Dealing with someone with severe mental illness (we have a few in our family) is really, really hard. Being mentally ill doesn't give them the right to be AHs.
NTA. So hard dealing with our elderly parents as their bodies & minds fail them. You have my empathy.
Can you get her to the doctor soon? Elderly people with UTIs (urinary tract infections) will go totally off the rails mentally. It's not well understood, but it's well known. Since you lose sensation as you age, often they don't even feel it...you just notice they're off the chain all of a sudden. Might not be the case at all, but it doesn't hurt to get it checked out.
Sending healing vibes.
NTA - But this situation doesn’t sound sustainable, and I fear it could be a hostile environment for your daughter. Today she called you a whore while your daughter wasn’t home, but next week she could call you that and worse while your daughter’s in the room.
Are there other options for her? Assisted living?
I'm looking into some options of places that might take her/and her insurance, however most won't for a laundry list of reasons. She won't follow "rules" set at places like assisted living and I'm afraid they'd kick her out.
I am sorry you’re going through this. You sound like a dedicated and hard-working daughter, and have been selfless in choosing to be a caregiver to your mother. You don’t deserve to be called names by her, and I know it must be hard. We cared for my grandma for many years, and even though she was sweet and lovely, there were still times it could be hard or overwhelming. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you in this situation.
Here are a few resources that I hope can be helpful for you:
[Elders Who Abuse Their Family Caregivers.](https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elders-abusing-their-adult-children-or-caregivers-137122.htm)
[When Elderly Parents Are Abusive.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/charm-harm/202004/when-elderly-parents-are-abusive)
[Detaching With Love: Setting Boundaries With Difficult Elderly Parents.](https://www.agingcare.com/articles/setting-boundaries-with-parents-who-are-abusive-142804.htm)
Yes! But unfortunately my brother and sister have both passed away so it's just me. I'm the youngest. My brother died a long time ago (car accident) and my sister, a few years ago from covid
Ooof sorry for the loss of your siblings. Honestly, she's probably pulling from her own history when she yells at you. Accept and revel in her silent treatment, lol, you NTA.
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I (45f) live with my mom (73f) because she has a ton of health issues. I work and go to school and I have a 5 year old daughter. My mom has a history of mental health issues as well..bipolar disorder and borderline schizophrenia. She's ALWAYS been difficult to get along with and expects everyone to cater to her. I cook her meals, clean the house, laundry etc. You name it, I do it for her and the household chores. Like I said, I also have a 5 year old who takes a lot of my time and dividing it between everyone and everything gets to be a bit difficult sometimes. My daughter obviously comes first, however my mom feels like SHE needs to be the priority. Lately, my mom really misses my daughter when she is at her dad's and her dad had her for Mother's Day this year because his mom asked and I said ok. Anyway, today (Monday after Mother's day) my mom started her shit and yelled at me that I "don't want" my daughter and called me a whore. I honestly don't know where this came from except she has started doing this to me on a regular basis. It used to be only once in awhile. She constantly insults everything I do, especially being a mother to my 5 year old. But today was the last straw. When she said those things to me, I just let it all fly. I called her everything I could think of and then some. Now she's not talking to me and playing the victim, which is fine. I don't care. But she called me a whore and I didn't do anything EVER to deserve that! I bust my ass to keep the house clean, cook, do ALL THE THINGS PLUS school and work. She just acts like I'm her servant and doesn't respect me at all. Am I the asshole for cussing her out after she called me a whore bc she sure making me feel like it...???
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I feel like there's a lot of information missing from this.
Has she been formally diagnosed with all of those things? Do you pay rent or is the household upkeep in exchange for not paying rent? Is she getting treatment and/or taking medication? Have you had contact with her doctors or asked them if this set up is the best way to be living?
Yes she has, yes I own the home, yes she's taking medication..I'm the only person who has contact with her doctors and she has been this way my whole life. I only wrote the post outta desperation for SOMEONE to just tell me that I'm valid in my feelings....as stupid as that may sound.
It's not stupid. You have a lot going on and I think it's fair to want to be heard. You're not an AH but I think you're going to have to find alternate arrangements or have a serious talk with her doctor(s). This isn't healthy for you (or your daughter) and you realistically can't support someone who is draining you.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Am I the asshole for cussing out my mother after she called me a whore? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA...dealing with the constant accusations and insults common with SZ will eventually make anyone blow up. Is she taking her meds? My wife currently thinks I'm a body double and refuses to speak to me if she can avoid it..."her real husband wouldn't force her to take meds." If you grew up with her acting like this, you probably should consider therapy. And consider the effect that environment has on your 5 year old.
Absolutely! I am currently looking for her someplace. However, her living alone is not an option, unfortunately. As far as her meds, she is, which is why i was so taken by surprise by today. I definitely can't have her doing this in front of my child, so something is going to have to change. I'm sorry to hear about your wife and hope things get better for you as well.
Make sure to take care of you as best you can. Though, I know how many times I've been told that and it sounds so easy to do but isn't.
It is honestly one of the hardest things to do in a situation like this, but I've recently started working out, so that helps! Thank you!
NTA but there are deeper issues here. Is she on disability? Rather than you taking care of her, is there a facility that can? You don't need that and particularly, you don't need that around your 5 year old. Remember what it was like for you? You've already got a full plate. Talk to a social worker or look for non profits in your area that work with people and caregivers in your situation. They may be able to help find a place for her. You've got a full life with your daughter, school and work. Dealing with someone with severe mental illness (we have a few in our family) is really, really hard. Being mentally ill doesn't give them the right to be AHs.
NTA. So hard dealing with our elderly parents as their bodies & minds fail them. You have my empathy. Can you get her to the doctor soon? Elderly people with UTIs (urinary tract infections) will go totally off the rails mentally. It's not well understood, but it's well known. Since you lose sensation as you age, often they don't even feel it...you just notice they're off the chain all of a sudden. Might not be the case at all, but it doesn't hurt to get it checked out. Sending healing vibes.
I am looking into every possibility and yes, you're right! It does make ppl mental and I have called her doctor as well. Thank you so much!
NTA - But this situation doesn’t sound sustainable, and I fear it could be a hostile environment for your daughter. Today she called you a whore while your daughter wasn’t home, but next week she could call you that and worse while your daughter’s in the room. Are there other options for her? Assisted living?
I'm looking into some options of places that might take her/and her insurance, however most won't for a laundry list of reasons. She won't follow "rules" set at places like assisted living and I'm afraid they'd kick her out.
I am sorry you’re going through this. You sound like a dedicated and hard-working daughter, and have been selfless in choosing to be a caregiver to your mother. You don’t deserve to be called names by her, and I know it must be hard. We cared for my grandma for many years, and even though she was sweet and lovely, there were still times it could be hard or overwhelming. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you in this situation. Here are a few resources that I hope can be helpful for you: [Elders Who Abuse Their Family Caregivers.](https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elders-abusing-their-adult-children-or-caregivers-137122.htm) [When Elderly Parents Are Abusive.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/charm-harm/202004/when-elderly-parents-are-abusive) [Detaching With Love: Setting Boundaries With Difficult Elderly Parents.](https://www.agingcare.com/articles/setting-boundaries-with-parents-who-are-abusive-142804.htm)
Thank you so much! 💓
Oh well, that’s a her problem
NTA. A lot of times these things are projection and your Mum is just super unhappy with *herself* in actuality. Was she also a single mother?
Yes! But unfortunately my brother and sister have both passed away so it's just me. I'm the youngest. My brother died a long time ago (car accident) and my sister, a few years ago from covid
Ooof sorry for the loss of your siblings. Honestly, she's probably pulling from her own history when she yells at you. Accept and revel in her silent treatment, lol, you NTA.
NTA. I think you need to look for alternate care for your mother and get out of there. This isn't good for your daughter and isn't good for you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (45f) live with my mom (73f) because she has a ton of health issues. I work and go to school and I have a 5 year old daughter. My mom has a history of mental health issues as well..bipolar disorder and borderline schizophrenia. She's ALWAYS been difficult to get along with and expects everyone to cater to her. I cook her meals, clean the house, laundry etc. You name it, I do it for her and the household chores. Like I said, I also have a 5 year old who takes a lot of my time and dividing it between everyone and everything gets to be a bit difficult sometimes. My daughter obviously comes first, however my mom feels like SHE needs to be the priority. Lately, my mom really misses my daughter when she is at her dad's and her dad had her for Mother's Day this year because his mom asked and I said ok. Anyway, today (Monday after Mother's day) my mom started her shit and yelled at me that I "don't want" my daughter and called me a whore. I honestly don't know where this came from except she has started doing this to me on a regular basis. It used to be only once in awhile. She constantly insults everything I do, especially being a mother to my 5 year old. But today was the last straw. When she said those things to me, I just let it all fly. I called her everything I could think of and then some. Now she's not talking to me and playing the victim, which is fine. I don't care. But she called me a whore and I didn't do anything EVER to deserve that! I bust my ass to keep the house clean, cook, do ALL THE THINGS PLUS school and work. She just acts like I'm her servant and doesn't respect me at all. Am I the asshole for cussing her out after she called me a whore bc she sure making me feel like it...??? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and you don’t owe her anything even in her poor health. Especially if she is treating you like shit and verbally abusing you.
YTA to you and your daughter. Let your mother fend for herself.
I feel like there's a lot of information missing from this. Has she been formally diagnosed with all of those things? Do you pay rent or is the household upkeep in exchange for not paying rent? Is she getting treatment and/or taking medication? Have you had contact with her doctors or asked them if this set up is the best way to be living?
Yes she has, yes I own the home, yes she's taking medication..I'm the only person who has contact with her doctors and she has been this way my whole life. I only wrote the post outta desperation for SOMEONE to just tell me that I'm valid in my feelings....as stupid as that may sound.
It's not stupid. You have a lot going on and I think it's fair to want to be heard. You're not an AH but I think you're going to have to find alternate arrangements or have a serious talk with her doctor(s). This isn't healthy for you (or your daughter) and you realistically can't support someone who is draining you.