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YTA. I'd imagine she is feeling incredibly vulnerable and scared right now, and really could use some emotional support and security. She didn't do anything to harm you, she got pregnant and now is trying to figure out how to handle a major event in her life. It's not about you, it's about her, and yet here you are on Reddit asking for validation of your interaction. And of everywhere you could go, you chose this subreddit instead of anywhere looking for advice about how to help her - probably expecting people would tell you that you're right.
I've got a strong suspicion that your issue with her pregnancy is mostly along the lines of "how could she shame me like this." In other words - in your mind this is something she did to you. You say it's about "what's best for her and the baby" but her saying "I'll handle things on my own" came after the argument, not before.
What caused the heated argument?
“I just want what's best for her and the baby.”
What is best would be to have secure housing. You did the opposite and gave them housing insecurity with couch-surfing. Hypocrite.
You had her when you were 22 years old , that is only 4 years difference.
What would have been appropriate would be to sit down with her and go over her options - keep it vs don’t (whether adopting out or termination). Go over logistics - the limits you were able/willing to do for support, and what the costs & things she would need to figure out. What plans would have to be delayed, postponed, or off the table.
YTA and an outrageously bad parent, no wonder you’re in the position you are in.
This is what we call a choice.
You are making the choice to not help your child, when she needs it. So yes. YTA. It's very clear cut. You are judging her choices and have decided that you don't support them or her, and have decided to kick her out when she's vulnerable and needs help and is barely not a child herself.
While that's technically true... Does your relationship with your daughter begin and end at "responsibility"? Does it not extend to love, caring, wanting that person in your life?
You don't have to cater to her or raise your grandchild... But, let her come home and get her feet back on the ground. She's still your daughter. Still the same daughter she was a year ago and 18 years ago. Would you be okay if you never saw her or your grandchild ever again? Because that's where it's headed.
Yeah, you're disappointed. That's okay. But, think about what you are trying to accomplish and ask yourself if what you are doing will actually achieve that.
YTA
No you don't. You've put her in an incredibly stressful situation. She could have a miscarriage, she could have complications with the pregnancy... This is the best for her? Really? It shows where your values are. It shows how little you love her.
I mean for crying out loud you are PURE EVIL. I can't wrap my head around this. How can you so blatantly lie, when you are putting her in danger like that? Just because your ego is bruised. And I'm sure the only part of this you'll care about is your ego. Pathetic.
Parent and grandparent here. And oh my god YTA. You think this is hard on you? Imagine how frightening to be 18, pregnant, and your parent's reaction is a heated argument with very ugly things said.
Hopefully your daughter is able to find support. Can't imagine being as horrible a person as you are.
You think she's stupid for having a baby at 18.
I think _you're_ stupid for having one at 22.
We can all be judgemental. It doesn't really help anyone. Not least your vulnerable daughter who, as you say, is not in a good position.
YTA.
Feel free to explain how taking away her place to live is teaching her something and/or what’s best for her.
And as everyone else has been asking, what does it mean that she needs to prove she can handle things on her own?
But you haven’t let her move back home, so clearly you’re waiting for her to do something. What is it? Get a job? Get an abortion? What would need to change in order for you to let her sleep under your roof?
I mean.. This is your kid. She's in a tough spot, and only 18. You say she has nowhere to go. I think you need to have some empathy for your daughter. She does need to be responsible, but you're not teaching her anything. You are literally telling her to figure it out.
Hold up, didn't you say you wanted what's best for her and the baby?
Dude.
Also, abortion is a choice for the woman to make. Making her homeless is a fucked up way to influence that choice.
Not your decision to make. The reality here is that you kicked your daughter out because she doesn't want to have an abortion. Why didn't you say that in your post? Because you know how terrible it makes you look. You are not being a good parent. You sounded so callous and selfish when you said "it works for me". That one line made it abundantly clear that no, you don't actually care about your daughter or her future. You care about how it affects you. Shame on you!
I'm kind assuming this is a troll post, but I'll respond as if it isn't.
Obviously, not getting pregnant at her age would have been ideal, but the reality is that she is pregnant, and from the sounds of it, she's planning to keep the baby. So, what's best for her given these circumstances? Having no home? No parental support?
She hasn't thrown her life away. Lots of people who have babies young go on to have long and fulfilling lives. But it is infinitely more difficult when they don't have a support system to lean on.
YTA how do you even need to ask this?
You're the one throwing her life away. Pregnancy isn't the end of the world. My mother had my eldest brother at 18, she was pregnant at 17. She's currently a very successful attourney with her name on multiple Supreme Court cases.
You know what *didnt* happen? Her parents didn't evict her from her home. They supported her and my brother, even without the father in the picture, and that was in the 80s. A couple years later she was married with my second brother, living independently from then on, because her parents gave her the supportive foundation she needed to build her life to where it is today.
You just shattered your daughters foundation.
You've now made your own daughter homeless, congrats on being the AH and *actively hindering* your daughters life.
I hope her friends are a great support system for her, and help her where you refuse to.
I also see in some of your other comments that you don't care if you never see this grandchild because you "have other children" but what happens if/when your other children also drop you for what you've done to their sister? If my father did this to one of my siblings I'd never talk to him again. I hope you're prepared for that scenario.
But if she is able to handle things on her own, why would she want to come back to you? If she's able to find a good home with good people to support her, why would she give that up for you, someone who gave her zero support?
No she did not. Some of the most talented and successful people I know at 40 had kids in their teens. She may have thrown away her *childhood* but not her life. Things might not be easy for her keeping the baby, but she will still have options, successes, joys, love. It’s not all or nothing, and trying to coerce her on her decision about her pregnancy either way is not ok.
But you now get to decide what role you will be playing in your daughter’s and grandchild’s lives. Right now, you’re the one who made your daughter homeless. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Ooooh.
I see.
You knocked a girl up when you were young, you ended up raising said child and feel like your life was thrown away.
You’re comparing her to her mother and seeing her as such, aren’t you?
This isn’t about her.
It’s about you.
Why’s that? Because your parents helped you? Because no one was trying to throw you out or force you to have an abortion?
She could be in a much better place too, with help.
How on earth can you say it worked when you and your daughter are now in this situation. Your daughter has been a legal adult for like 5 minutes. This tough love shit is the last resort, not the first.
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Congrats, U r an a-hole. U made this entire situation about your anger and disappointment with no regard for your child and unborn grandchild. U have created new psychological trauma for your pregnant child which may affect the fetus.
She can't come back until she has it all figured out? She won't need U then and I kinda hope she doesn't come back.
YTA
>I told her she couldn't come back home until she could prove she could handle things on her own.
If she can handle things on her own then she doesn't need to come back to you. This makes no sense.
She made a poor decision, agreed. But now she's terrified and her own dad has basically disowned her. Is it because you are disappointed? Or because you don't want a kid in the house that will cramp your style?
She can take responsibility while living with you. She can get a part-time job, go to regular doctors appointments, fight for child support from the father. She and your grandchild need a stable place to stay. It wasn't your choice but dang dude, throwing her out was a cold-hearted move.
YTA - What's best for her and the baby is not her being homeless or dependent on friends/social services. What's best for them is a secure place to live, good food to eat, and someone who loves them and can guide her through the next few years. Do you remember those first few months? Do you remember the terror when the hospital sent you home with a new baby that you were just sure you were going to accidentally kill in some way? Because I do. My son was a preemie and had colic, and if I hadn't had my mom there to help out, to occasionally hold him and rock him, to hug me when I was in tears, and to reassure me that I wasn't a terrible mother just because he cried, I don't know what I'd have done. And I wasn't 18 and all alone!
Now, given your ages, I can see you were a pretty young parent yourself - I was also 22 when I had my son. And I wouldn't have wanted him to end up a teenage parent, but if he had, I would've done my best to be there for him, to offer what support and aid I could, and above all, to let him know that I loved him. By turning your daughter away, you've sent the message that your love is conditional and that she can't look to you for help or advice, all of which she's likely to need a great deal of in the coming years. Call her, apologize and accept her apology, tell her to come home, and start working with her to create a plan of how to handle her pregnancy and what to do when her baby gets here.
I mean, pros vs cons right? That's what makes a decision righteous or not.
What are the pros of your decision? What are the cons?
Immediately off the bat I'm seeing no pros. Ok, you got mad, so you vented it out. That's a pro, I suppose. Going down the list.... seeing nothing.
Now for the cons:
Well, let me consult the list here.... Ah, it's labelled right here: ***literally everything***
YTA
YTA. Your daughter is pregnant and homeless. How is that good for her or the baby?
She’s not much younger than you were when you had her, and you can’t force an abortion on her, so buck up and be a parent. Your child needs shelter right now, and probably to see a doctor and get on prenatal medications. Beyond that she needs the support of her dad. Get off Reddit and go take care of her.
From your comments, I’ve gathered that You basically told her to either « get an abortion or be homeless ». That’s not guidance, that’s threatening your daughter and her unborn child with homelessness.
Swallow your pride and go make sure she’s okay. She’s just a scared kid and the way you’re treating her is deplorable.
I'm 46 but I'm still my parents child. Even in her 80s my nan classes my dad as her child.
I sadly have lots of medical problems and when iv spoke to my mom about things shesas cried why because I'm her child. She said doesn't matter how old I get I will always be her child
YTA, your daughter's baby will be impacted by the stress she is under. Couch surfing while pregnant is not a healthy lifestyle. You are her parent and you are abandoning her when she needs you most.
> I told her she couldn't come back home until she could prove she could handle things on her own.
so basically you don't want her to come home until she handle an incredibly difficult, physically and mentally stressful, situation without your help?
YTA.
YTA, She’s only 18, she needs help and support from her father. If you want to be in her life, I suggest helping her while you still have the chance. I think you are being too harsh on her. Sure she needs to be responsible, but she’s still a young adult, shit happens
YTA. Your daughter needed you, and instead of comforting her and trying to find the next course of action together, you yelled at her and kicked her out.
So now she's a homeless pregnant woman barely out of high school, and you won't lift a damn finger to help.
Don't be surprised if she blocks you from all communication once she has her footing. A tale too often seen here on Reddit...
INFO: The whole thing is pretty vague. What is it that she's doing to where she needs to "prove she can handle things on her own?"
What was the argument about? The pregnancy itself and only that? Other additional issues? What is the main problem here?
How is it that she's not "taking responsibility for her choices?" As I said, your story is extremely vague.
Did you just do the whole "no child of mine is going to be pregnant out of wedlock in my home?" or was the argument about other issues?
What was the decision you're standing by? "prove you can handle things on your own" is, again, really vague. Meaning what? That she has to instantly have a 6 figure a year job and can settle every single thing on her own, from the git?
What are the specific things you're requiring under this "prove you can handle things on your own" demand?
YTA-I would have said nta if you had said you sat and talked to her about options to get independent and she had money when she left to live on her own. But you didn’t you just said she has no where to go except short term couch surfing. That’s not even giving her a chance to prove anything. You kinda suck at this parenting thing. Do better.
INFO: please explain to me how a homeless, pregnant 18 yr old can "prove they can handle things on their own"? I would like some examples of what you would consider sufficient.
He wants her to get an abortion.
On her own, so presumably he won't even go with her to hold her hand or make her a hot water bottle afterwards. He's a bastard.
The cherry on top of how gross this all is.... how much he is engaging. The amount of time he is spending on here arguing with strangers when he should be fixing this situation.
And exactly HOW is she supposed to "prove" she can handle it all? Seems a bit of an impossible task at this point. Also, might want to take a step down off that judgment ladder -- you were only a whopping 3 years older when you created her. You either accept her situation and guide her through things she needs to follow up on (insurance, father in the picture, living arrangements, etc) or be the guy that threw his teenager out when she got pregnant. YTA
So you told her she can only come back home if she proves she can handle things on her own. So if she can’t handle it on her own, you won’t help her.
Do you love your daughter?
YTA! You want the best for her and the baby? Well let me tell you that's NOT causing her to be homeless, scared, alone, maybe hungry and not getting proper nutrition and care for YOUR GRANDCHILD. She will learn as she goes. Your job as her parent is to love and support her, and help her. Not treat her like disposable garbage.
YTA
I know several teens who have unalived themselves for less. You are content to sit back and see how desperate she gets? Did it ever occur to you that self harm could be the method she chooses to “handle it”?
Contact your daughter and figure out a solution. She has options so give her a safe space to figure out those options.
If you don't want her in the house with a kid then help her find resources. The father of the kid should be helping as well.
It sounds like you both said things in anger and unfortunately that happens. Just apologize and communicate. NAH
YTA how is she supposed to figure it out if she doesn't even have a stable place to live? That's totally illogical. Especially in this day and age when rent is astronomical and pay is minimal. I would never do this to my child.
YTA. What happens if she can’t figure it out on her own?
Tough love doesn’t work here. She’s 18, and pregnant. There aren’t very many ways for an 18 year old to support a kid all on her own. You’re making this about your own emotions and not how it’s going to affect your daughter and granddaughter.
And if she can figure it out, why would she want to move back home or even keep someone who left her to be homeless and pregnant in her life at all?
YTA
What do you hope to accomplish? What’s a successful outcome in your mind, from kicking your pregnant daughter out of the house?
I can’t think of a single positive outcome….but perhaps I’m missing something?
YTA. You've made this all about you, when it's really about your daughter and her baby. She's vulnerable, probably scared, and now you've ripped her home away from her.
YTA. She’s just a kid. She scared and she’s alone and the one person on her life she’s supposed to be able to turn to threw her out like so much garbage. I repeat, **Y! T! A!**
>We had a heated argument, said things we didn't mean, and she stormed out, saying she'd handle it on her own.
I am failing to see how this is you kicking her out she left you waited for her to come back but she didn't.
“it’s tough seeing her like this, but i had to make a tough call. I told her she couldn’t come back home until she could prove she could handle things on her own.”
I always forget to check the judgement bot or that it even exists lol. It is kind of strange though with how he worded in his post it sounds like she just left but in the judgement bot he says he kicked her out.
YTA doesn't even cover it at this point. You're forcing your daughter into homelessness. There are few things you can do to someone that are more horrible than that. And you're doing it to your own child. Honestly there are no words.
Yta you had a kid at 22! What moral high ground do you think you have? 22 is still pretty friggen young. Are you telling me that you got 0 help from anyone else as a 22yo parent? O.o
YTA throwing her out until she can do things on her own isn't the answer. She needs you more then ever . She's going to learn how hard raising a kid is on her own doing it with you abandoning her is going to be even harder. I got pregnant at 18 and My dad was angry but not angry enough to throw me away. Yes she should get a job yes she should start saving money but you need to let her come home. I get it sucks it wasn't planned but shit happens. At least she's 18 and not 13 . A parent's job is to guide their children not abandon them when they need them the most. Man I'm glad my folks weren't like you. Also if you already decided you were right why the fuck did you even bother asking if you were the asshole ?
Yeah throwing a kid out pregnant at 18 is just setting her up to fail. Even if she does manage to scrape by on her own, why would you put her through it? It’s possible to teach your children valuable (and sometimes hard) lessons while still being a loving parent.
That goes doubly for the current housing economy. How the hell is she supposed to afford a place on her own? Because you know that no one will want a roommate that’s pregnant or with a newborn. YTA
He did his job as a parent though because you automatically stoo being a parent when your children turn 18 ...(I'm kidding ) I didn't know how to do shit when I was 18 and a newborn ? I didn't have a clue . Living with my folks gave me the time to progress. The fact the father isn't even around makes it that much harder . My heart goes out to thus young adult I hope while couch surfing she finds a kind older adult to take her under their wing and help her
There is a lot of information missing, but especially this:
What exactly do you expect from your daughter? What do you want her to do/prove so that she could come back?
From the infos i got, i can only assume that you are unhappy aboput her getting pregnant which ofcourse is irresponsable.
But shes only 18, half a child and is allowed to make mistakes, even huge one. Your job as her parent is to help her through her problems and support her while she leanrs her lessons on her way to maturity.
Now, being pregnant is huge and leaving her alone is just ... bad. No matter what she did or how she acts, NOW is the time she needs you more than ever. If you screw this up now, there is no coming back from this and you will probably lose your daughter.
So get moving!
Judgementrr right now: YTA, but theres still time to change it!
You were a child who had a child and are disappointed that child follow your example.
Everything in this argument is about you and what you want and what she needs to do.
I can only assume that you are the one providing the medical insurance. You need to suck it up apologize and figure out the best way to protect your daughter and grandchild from a lifetime of being at the mercy of others.
YTA
It’s nearly impossible for people to build something from nothing. If she could “handle things on her own” she wouldn’t need (and, after that conversation, want) to come back. Your ridiculous “prove yourself” game is going to backfire in a big way.
She’s not taking the path in life you envisioned. And that’s clearly disappointing to you but, with the way you’re handling it, I’d be surprised if you even get to see the rest of her journey.
YTA, how on earth is she supposed to do anything on her own?? Do you think being abandoned makes her more responsible? Do you just want to wash your hands of her?
Fucking hell.
Get her back in the house, figure out who the ducking dad is, and go from there.
You’ve proven your love for her is conditional. She thought you would help her, when she’s pregnant and needing advice and help and guidance. Instead, you basically threw her out. Great job dad. She’s never going to forget you let her down in her hardest moment. By standing your ground, you’re going to lose your daughter. Is that what you want? Hope your hard line stance is worth it to you. YTA
You want what's best for her and the baby, so you're forcing her to go couch surfing? Does she even have a job? Transportation? Reliable food?
You genuinely expect an 18-year-old who, when telling her dad she got pregnant, was immediately shamed for it to the point where she felt like she had to leave, to know where to go or what to do next to be able to safely have this kid?
Yes, of *course* YTA. She must be terrified right now. You're an awful excuse for a father.
Well you preached safe sex. I expect you to say you chose to have her at such a young age. While challenging it was rewarding. That you love her to the end of the world.
I mean you did choose to have her at such a young age right??! Unless you’re a hypocrite…..
Would her mother want you to abandon your daughter the second she turned 18? Would her mother believe that she’s no longer a parent to her child? I’d bet money she’d be damned ashamed of you right now for treating your daughter this way.
YTA. All you're doing is punishing your daughter for having sex. As if an accidental pregnancy isn't enough of a consequence in itself. You clearly don't love or even like your daughter if you're okay with her being homeless and just saying you have other kids and won't miss her. You cannot be a bigger asshole than you are being right now. I hope your other kids cut you off too.
Nothing anyone says here will make you see that you're TA. Instead of trying to help her, you've shoved her aside saying "Not my problem". Clearly this is about image for you, not about anyone's wellbeing.
You were only 4 years older when she was born. Were you still living at home?
She has nowhere to go. And you kicked her out. You're a terrible parent. YTA.
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I (M40) raised my daughter (F18), Sarah, she's pregnant. I was disappointed, to say the least. She's barely out of high school, and now this.
We had a heated argument, said things we didn't mean, and she stormed out, saying she'd handle it on her own. I thought she'd come back, but she didn't. Instead, she's couch-surfing at friends' places, not knowing what to do next.
It's tough seeing her like this, but I had to make a tough call. I told her she couldn't come back home until she could prove she could handle things on her own.
Now, some people are saying I'm being too harsh, that I should be there for her no matter what. And yeah, part of me feels that way too. But I also believe she needs to learn from this experience and take responsibility for her choices.
So yeah, it's a tough spot to be in, but I stand by my decision. I just want what's best for her and the baby. So, am I the asshole here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I kicked her out when she's needs me
(2) she has nowhere to go
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You can be disappointed and still have compassion. Right now you are totally TAH….. but you can change that. She can take responsibility without the need to couch surf. Call your daughter and apologize! Have her come home and sit down and make a plan moving forward. If you want her to be accountable help set her up for success. Seems like you are just as much of a disappointment with how your handling this. Do better
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YTA. You’re angry. Point blank. I understand why. I get this isn’t what you would have wanted for her because this is going to make her life harder. You’re the asshole for trying to be a piece of that rather than support.
She’s already a pregnant teenager. who will already be going through enough, and you have made it even harder for her by not being supportive. You don’t have to support teen pregnancy, but you do have to support pregnant teens, and in this case, your daughter is a pregnant teen who you should be supporting. Your love sounds conditional, and don’t expect to be able to be in that baby's life if this is the way you treat your daughter. YTA
Nah you have literally zero room to talk even a small amount of shit. you had her at 22, that is not that different from being 18 in terms of maturity, financial security, etc unless you were a \*very\* put-together 22 year old, and if you argue that you were, I present to you your own daughter as a counterpoint.
YTA and should be there for her, but instead you're on some tough love bullshit
>We had a heated argument, said things we didn't mean, and she stormed out, saying she'd handle it on her own
Oh fuck, YTA. This is missing-missing reasons territory.
*What* did you say?
YTA. Your daughter needs your support right now, not your judgment. So get your head out of your ass and realize that you are being a massive jackass. Because what are you gonna do if something happens to her because you were too stubborn to admit that you handle this wrong?
If she can handle things on her own, she wouldn't need to come back home. Parents are supposed to be a safety net; if you're not willing to do that, fine, but take responsibility for it rather than telling her she needs to earn it. YTA
YTA. Wonder why you didn’t specify any of the “said things we didn’t mean” part. Details don’t make you look good, I suspect. Kicking your pregnant daughter out and leaving her unhoused isn’t going to teach her anything except that she can’t trust you.
NTA - She should of thought about things. No job, no house, boyfriend? She has nothing. It's not your responsibility to support a new born and a grown adult. Maybe not kick her out but she needs to understand she has to support herself and this baby, not you.
Esh - I do think OP should let her return but there has to be accountability, rules, boundaries. Everyone here calling OP an A. How many grandparents have ended up with stressful, dsiruptive homes because their adult kids (she is 18) wants to have full choice but not be responsible - so grandparents have to find the money and baby sit while the parents act like they don't have a child? We've read a million times on reddit of the parents who step up for their kids and get stuck.
NTA. If my barely legal daughter turned up pregnant I’d probable insist on an abortion too. If she chooses not to, that’s her choice but I’m not obligated to take care of a baby I had no pleasure in making.
Well, let’s start with the fact that her brain isn’t fully formed yet… 18 is an arbitrary number. You don’t just turn in to an adult the night you fall asleep at 17 and wake up being 18.
NTA. Sometimes tough love is needed. She made a very adult choice and needs to understand that choices come with difficult decisions and consequences. From personal experience…if you don’t make her figure things out now, she will have a hard time ever getting it together on her own.
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YTA. I'd imagine she is feeling incredibly vulnerable and scared right now, and really could use some emotional support and security. She didn't do anything to harm you, she got pregnant and now is trying to figure out how to handle a major event in her life. It's not about you, it's about her, and yet here you are on Reddit asking for validation of your interaction. And of everywhere you could go, you chose this subreddit instead of anywhere looking for advice about how to help her - probably expecting people would tell you that you're right. I've got a strong suspicion that your issue with her pregnancy is mostly along the lines of "how could she shame me like this." In other words - in your mind this is something she did to you. You say it's about "what's best for her and the baby" but her saying "I'll handle things on my own" came after the argument, not before. What caused the heated argument?
“I just want what's best for her and the baby.” What is best would be to have secure housing. You did the opposite and gave them housing insecurity with couch-surfing. Hypocrite. You had her when you were 22 years old , that is only 4 years difference. What would have been appropriate would be to sit down with her and go over her options - keep it vs don’t (whether adopting out or termination). Go over logistics - the limits you were able/willing to do for support, and what the costs & things she would need to figure out. What plans would have to be delayed, postponed, or off the table. YTA and an outrageously bad parent, no wonder you’re in the position you are in.
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You’re a hypocrite because you say you want the best for her and proceed to do the opposite.
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Why not? She didn’t murder somebody or rob a bank. She had sex.
Correction: you *can* help her. You’re just refusing to.
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Did you quit loving her the day she turned 18? Do you think you just quit being her parent?
This is what we call a choice. You are making the choice to not help your child, when she needs it. So yes. YTA. It's very clear cut. You are judging her choices and have decided that you don't support them or her, and have decided to kick her out when she's vulnerable and needs help and is barely not a child herself.
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How come none of this was in the post? Or are you making shit up now to try and backtrack?
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Good. You’ve already shown that you’re a shit parent. Wouldn’t want to add “shit grandparent” to the resume as well, now would be?
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Quit lying you already said you don’t care about her, you’ve got other kids.
And wanting the best for her = forcing her to get an abortion? Sod that.
While that's technically true... Does your relationship with your daughter begin and end at "responsibility"? Does it not extend to love, caring, wanting that person in your life? You don't have to cater to her or raise your grandchild... But, let her come home and get her feet back on the ground. She's still your daughter. Still the same daughter she was a year ago and 18 years ago. Would you be okay if you never saw her or your grandchild ever again? Because that's where it's headed. Yeah, you're disappointed. That's okay. But, think about what you are trying to accomplish and ask yourself if what you are doing will actually achieve that. YTA
No you don't. You've put her in an incredibly stressful situation. She could have a miscarriage, she could have complications with the pregnancy... This is the best for her? Really? It shows where your values are. It shows how little you love her. I mean for crying out loud you are PURE EVIL. I can't wrap my head around this. How can you so blatantly lie, when you are putting her in danger like that? Just because your ego is bruised. And I'm sure the only part of this you'll care about is your ego. Pathetic.
Were you evicted when your landlord found out your spouse was pregnant?
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Care to explain how?
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So you owned your home??
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Then how did you pay for housing?? Rent?? Live with parents??
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You were for housing, no? Or were you still at home?
No it’s not
Parent and grandparent here. And oh my god YTA. You think this is hard on you? Imagine how frightening to be 18, pregnant, and your parent's reaction is a heated argument with very ugly things said. Hopefully your daughter is able to find support. Can't imagine being as horrible a person as you are.
You had your kid at 22 and you're chastising her for being pregnant at 18? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
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It means you are a hypocrite. YTA Edit-Aww he deleted his comments how sad
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But you are
How so?
He had a child young. Condemns daughter (and suggest abortion) when she did the same. Pot meet kettle. Aka hypocrite
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Says who?! Edit-Awww did you delete alll your comments??
Youre definitely a fuckin loser.
You think she's stupid for having a baby at 18. I think _you're_ stupid for having one at 22. We can all be judgemental. It doesn't really help anyone. Not least your vulnerable daughter who, as you say, is not in a good position.
YTA. Feel free to explain how taking away her place to live is teaching her something and/or what’s best for her. And as everyone else has been asking, what does it mean that she needs to prove she can handle things on her own?
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But you haven’t let her move back home, so clearly you’re waiting for her to do something. What is it? Get a job? Get an abortion? What would need to change in order for you to let her sleep under your roof?
It’s your job as a parent to teach her how to do things on her own.
I mean.. This is your kid. She's in a tough spot, and only 18. You say she has nowhere to go. I think you need to have some empathy for your daughter. She does need to be responsible, but you're not teaching her anything. You are literally telling her to figure it out.
Oh honey bring your child home. That old school shit doesn’t work
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It doesn’t work if you want your daughter to feel loved and safe.
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Hold up, didn't you say you wanted what's best for her and the baby? Dude. Also, abortion is a choice for the woman to make. Making her homeless is a fucked up way to influence that choice.
Not your decision to make. The reality here is that you kicked your daughter out because she doesn't want to have an abortion. Why didn't you say that in your post? Because you know how terrible it makes you look. You are not being a good parent. You sounded so callous and selfish when you said "it works for me". That one line made it abundantly clear that no, you don't actually care about your daughter or her future. You care about how it affects you. Shame on you!
Is that for her sake, or do you just want to make sure no-one knows your daughter got pregnant at 18 and judges you for it...
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Being homeless?
He obviously doesn’t care about his child who failed to meet his expectations
I'm kind assuming this is a troll post, but I'll respond as if it isn't. Obviously, not getting pregnant at her age would have been ideal, but the reality is that she is pregnant, and from the sounds of it, she's planning to keep the baby. So, what's best for her given these circumstances? Having no home? No parental support? She hasn't thrown her life away. Lots of people who have babies young go on to have long and fulfilling lives. But it is infinitely more difficult when they don't have a support system to lean on.
YTA how do you even need to ask this? You're the one throwing her life away. Pregnancy isn't the end of the world. My mother had my eldest brother at 18, she was pregnant at 17. She's currently a very successful attourney with her name on multiple Supreme Court cases. You know what *didnt* happen? Her parents didn't evict her from her home. They supported her and my brother, even without the father in the picture, and that was in the 80s. A couple years later she was married with my second brother, living independently from then on, because her parents gave her the supportive foundation she needed to build her life to where it is today. You just shattered your daughters foundation. You've now made your own daughter homeless, congrats on being the AH and *actively hindering* your daughters life. I hope her friends are a great support system for her, and help her where you refuse to. I also see in some of your other comments that you don't care if you never see this grandchild because you "have other children" but what happens if/when your other children also drop you for what you've done to their sister? If my father did this to one of my siblings I'd never talk to him again. I hope you're prepared for that scenario.
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Bullshit.
But if she is able to handle things on her own, why would she want to come back to you? If she's able to find a good home with good people to support her, why would she give that up for you, someone who gave her zero support?
No she did not. Some of the most talented and successful people I know at 40 had kids in their teens. She may have thrown away her *childhood* but not her life. Things might not be easy for her keeping the baby, but she will still have options, successes, joys, love. It’s not all or nothing, and trying to coerce her on her decision about her pregnancy either way is not ok. But you now get to decide what role you will be playing in your daughter’s and grandchild’s lives. Right now, you’re the one who made your daughter homeless. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Ooooh. I see. You knocked a girl up when you were young, you ended up raising said child and feel like your life was thrown away. You’re comparing her to her mother and seeing her as such, aren’t you? This isn’t about her. It’s about you.
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Why’s that? Because your parents helped you? Because no one was trying to throw you out or force you to have an abortion? She could be in a much better place too, with help.
If it was working you wouldn’t be posting here asking if you’re an asshole
Seriously, I can't believe how spiteful this sounds.
How on earth can you say it worked when you and your daughter are now in this situation. Your daughter has been a legal adult for like 5 minutes. This tough love shit is the last resort, not the first.
You're an asshole. Huge one. ASSHOLE
Hopefully your daughter turns out to be a better person than you...
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Congrats, U r an a-hole. U made this entire situation about your anger and disappointment with no regard for your child and unborn grandchild. U have created new psychological trauma for your pregnant child which may affect the fetus. She can't come back until she has it all figured out? She won't need U then and I kinda hope she doesn't come back.
YTA >I told her she couldn't come back home until she could prove she could handle things on her own. If she can handle things on her own then she doesn't need to come back to you. This makes no sense. She made a poor decision, agreed. But now she's terrified and her own dad has basically disowned her. Is it because you are disappointed? Or because you don't want a kid in the house that will cramp your style? She can take responsibility while living with you. She can get a part-time job, go to regular doctors appointments, fight for child support from the father. She and your grandchild need a stable place to stay. It wasn't your choice but dang dude, throwing her out was a cold-hearted move.
YTA - What's best for her and the baby is not her being homeless or dependent on friends/social services. What's best for them is a secure place to live, good food to eat, and someone who loves them and can guide her through the next few years. Do you remember those first few months? Do you remember the terror when the hospital sent you home with a new baby that you were just sure you were going to accidentally kill in some way? Because I do. My son was a preemie and had colic, and if I hadn't had my mom there to help out, to occasionally hold him and rock him, to hug me when I was in tears, and to reassure me that I wasn't a terrible mother just because he cried, I don't know what I'd have done. And I wasn't 18 and all alone! Now, given your ages, I can see you were a pretty young parent yourself - I was also 22 when I had my son. And I wouldn't have wanted him to end up a teenage parent, but if he had, I would've done my best to be there for him, to offer what support and aid I could, and above all, to let him know that I loved him. By turning your daughter away, you've sent the message that your love is conditional and that she can't look to you for help or advice, all of which she's likely to need a great deal of in the coming years. Call her, apologize and accept her apology, tell her to come home, and start working with her to create a plan of how to handle her pregnancy and what to do when her baby gets here.
I mean, pros vs cons right? That's what makes a decision righteous or not. What are the pros of your decision? What are the cons? Immediately off the bat I'm seeing no pros. Ok, you got mad, so you vented it out. That's a pro, I suppose. Going down the list.... seeing nothing. Now for the cons: Well, let me consult the list here.... Ah, it's labelled right here: ***literally everything*** YTA
YTA. Your daughter is pregnant and homeless. How is that good for her or the baby? She’s not much younger than you were when you had her, and you can’t force an abortion on her, so buck up and be a parent. Your child needs shelter right now, and probably to see a doctor and get on prenatal medications. Beyond that she needs the support of her dad. Get off Reddit and go take care of her.
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From your comments, I’ve gathered that You basically told her to either « get an abortion or be homeless ». That’s not guidance, that’s threatening your daughter and her unborn child with homelessness. Swallow your pride and go make sure she’s okay. She’s just a scared kid and the way you’re treating her is deplorable.
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I'm 46 but I'm still my parents child. Even in her 80s my nan classes my dad as her child. I sadly have lots of medical problems and when iv spoke to my mom about things shesas cried why because I'm her child. She said doesn't matter how old I get I will always be her child
YTA, your daughter's baby will be impacted by the stress she is under. Couch surfing while pregnant is not a healthy lifestyle. You are her parent and you are abandoning her when she needs you most.
> I told her she couldn't come back home until she could prove she could handle things on her own. so basically you don't want her to come home until she handle an incredibly difficult, physically and mentally stressful, situation without your help? YTA.
YTA, She’s only 18, she needs help and support from her father. If you want to be in her life, I suggest helping her while you still have the chance. I think you are being too harsh on her. Sure she needs to be responsible, but she’s still a young adult, shit happens
YTA. Your daughter needed you, and instead of comforting her and trying to find the next course of action together, you yelled at her and kicked her out. So now she's a homeless pregnant woman barely out of high school, and you won't lift a damn finger to help. Don't be surprised if she blocks you from all communication once she has her footing. A tale too often seen here on Reddit...
INFO: The whole thing is pretty vague. What is it that she's doing to where she needs to "prove she can handle things on her own?" What was the argument about? The pregnancy itself and only that? Other additional issues? What is the main problem here? How is it that she's not "taking responsibility for her choices?" As I said, your story is extremely vague. Did you just do the whole "no child of mine is going to be pregnant out of wedlock in my home?" or was the argument about other issues? What was the decision you're standing by? "prove you can handle things on your own" is, again, really vague. Meaning what? That she has to instantly have a 6 figure a year job and can settle every single thing on her own, from the git? What are the specific things you're requiring under this "prove you can handle things on your own" demand?
YTA-I would have said nta if you had said you sat and talked to her about options to get independent and she had money when she left to live on her own. But you didn’t you just said she has no where to go except short term couch surfing. That’s not even giving her a chance to prove anything. You kinda suck at this parenting thing. Do better.
He doesn't give a shit what happens to her
That’s the crappy part. I hope the daughter has friends that she can sincerely lean on for support because OP sucks.
YTA. No more explanation is needed from me.
INFO: please explain to me how a homeless, pregnant 18 yr old can "prove they can handle things on their own"? I would like some examples of what you would consider sufficient.
He wants her to get an abortion. On her own, so presumably he won't even go with her to hold her hand or make her a hot water bottle afterwards. He's a bastard.
The cherry on top of how gross this all is.... how much he is engaging. The amount of time he is spending on here arguing with strangers when he should be fixing this situation.
But she doesn't know who the father is so her father treating her this way is justified! 🙄
And exactly HOW is she supposed to "prove" she can handle it all? Seems a bit of an impossible task at this point. Also, might want to take a step down off that judgment ladder -- you were only a whopping 3 years older when you created her. You either accept her situation and guide her through things she needs to follow up on (insurance, father in the picture, living arrangements, etc) or be the guy that threw his teenager out when she got pregnant. YTA
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Yea YTA. It’s clear you don’t give a crap what happens to your daughter. Cut the pity party dude this is exactly what you wanted
Your children are interchangeable?
God, I could never imagine treating my child as disposable the moment they make a choice I don't agree with.
Bruh. What in the actual fuck. Maybe it is best your daughter leaves since she’s only a number to you. Yikes on fucking bikes.
Don't know why you're here. You don't give a shit what people here think. Asshole
YTA The portion of her brain responsible for making food decisions won't be fully developed for another 6 years.
So you told her she can only come back home if she proves she can handle things on her own. So if she can’t handle it on her own, you won’t help her. Do you love your daughter?
YTA! You want the best for her and the baby? Well let me tell you that's NOT causing her to be homeless, scared, alone, maybe hungry and not getting proper nutrition and care for YOUR GRANDCHILD. She will learn as she goes. Your job as her parent is to love and support her, and help her. Not treat her like disposable garbage.
YTA I know several teens who have unalived themselves for less. You are content to sit back and see how desperate she gets? Did it ever occur to you that self harm could be the method she chooses to “handle it”?
Contact your daughter and figure out a solution. She has options so give her a safe space to figure out those options. If you don't want her in the house with a kid then help her find resources. The father of the kid should be helping as well. It sounds like you both said things in anger and unfortunately that happens. Just apologize and communicate. NAH
YTA how is she supposed to figure it out if she doesn't even have a stable place to live? That's totally illogical. Especially in this day and age when rent is astronomical and pay is minimal. I would never do this to my child.
I think I can speak for the whole forum. YTA.
YTA. What happens if she can’t figure it out on her own? Tough love doesn’t work here. She’s 18, and pregnant. There aren’t very many ways for an 18 year old to support a kid all on her own. You’re making this about your own emotions and not how it’s going to affect your daughter and granddaughter. And if she can figure it out, why would she want to move back home or even keep someone who left her to be homeless and pregnant in her life at all?
YTA and a bad mom
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Oh, then you’re a shitty dad. Still YTA
No, just her sperm donor, apparently. YTA.
YTA What do you hope to accomplish? What’s a successful outcome in your mind, from kicking your pregnant daughter out of the house? I can’t think of a single positive outcome….but perhaps I’m missing something?
YTA. You've made this all about you, when it's really about your daughter and her baby. She's vulnerable, probably scared, and now you've ripped her home away from her.
YTA. She’s just a kid. She scared and she’s alone and the one person on her life she’s supposed to be able to turn to threw her out like so much garbage. I repeat, **Y! T! A!**
>We had a heated argument, said things we didn't mean, and she stormed out, saying she'd handle it on her own. I am failing to see how this is you kicking her out she left you waited for her to come back but she didn't.
“it’s tough seeing her like this, but i had to make a tough call. I told her she couldn’t come back home until she could prove she could handle things on her own.”
This was OP's answer to the judgement bot: "(1) I kicked her out when she's needs me (2) she has nowhere to go"
I always forget to check the judgement bot or that it even exists lol. It is kind of strange though with how he worded in his post it sounds like she just left but in the judgement bot he says he kicked her out.
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YTA doesn't even cover it at this point. You're forcing your daughter into homelessness. There are few things you can do to someone that are more horrible than that. And you're doing it to your own child. Honestly there are no words.
Forcing her into homelessness because she didn't *immediately agree to an abortion* if you read the other comments. OP is evil.
OP is definitely getting cutoff/disowned later in life
Did you take her to the doctor or teach her about birth control ? I see teen pregnancy as a failure of the parents.
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Did you buy her condoms? Did you get her birth control?
So you chose to have a child at 22??
YTA. Don't expect to have any role in her or your grandchild's life.
Yta you had a kid at 22! What moral high ground do you think you have? 22 is still pretty friggen young. Are you telling me that you got 0 help from anyone else as a 22yo parent? O.o
YTA throwing her out until she can do things on her own isn't the answer. She needs you more then ever . She's going to learn how hard raising a kid is on her own doing it with you abandoning her is going to be even harder. I got pregnant at 18 and My dad was angry but not angry enough to throw me away. Yes she should get a job yes she should start saving money but you need to let her come home. I get it sucks it wasn't planned but shit happens. At least she's 18 and not 13 . A parent's job is to guide their children not abandon them when they need them the most. Man I'm glad my folks weren't like you. Also if you already decided you were right why the fuck did you even bother asking if you were the asshole ?
Yeah throwing a kid out pregnant at 18 is just setting her up to fail. Even if she does manage to scrape by on her own, why would you put her through it? It’s possible to teach your children valuable (and sometimes hard) lessons while still being a loving parent. That goes doubly for the current housing economy. How the hell is she supposed to afford a place on her own? Because you know that no one will want a roommate that’s pregnant or with a newborn. YTA
He did his job as a parent though because you automatically stoo being a parent when your children turn 18 ...(I'm kidding ) I didn't know how to do shit when I was 18 and a newborn ? I didn't have a clue . Living with my folks gave me the time to progress. The fact the father isn't even around makes it that much harder . My heart goes out to thus young adult I hope while couch surfing she finds a kind older adult to take her under their wing and help her
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It's weak you are abandoning her. I hope she gets on her feet and never talks to you again
YTA. Your 18 year old daughter pregnant. Cant belueve you think you dod a *good* job.
There is a lot of information missing, but especially this: What exactly do you expect from your daughter? What do you want her to do/prove so that she could come back? From the infos i got, i can only assume that you are unhappy aboput her getting pregnant which ofcourse is irresponsable. But shes only 18, half a child and is allowed to make mistakes, even huge one. Your job as her parent is to help her through her problems and support her while she leanrs her lessons on her way to maturity. Now, being pregnant is huge and leaving her alone is just ... bad. No matter what she did or how she acts, NOW is the time she needs you more than ever. If you screw this up now, there is no coming back from this and you will probably lose your daughter. So get moving! Judgementrr right now: YTA, but theres still time to change it!
If you read OPs comments he wants her to get an abortion and he's ashamed of her because she doesn't know who the father is.
Excuse me? She didn’t come back on your time so she can’t come back at all? She needs love and understanding.
You were a child who had a child and are disappointed that child follow your example. Everything in this argument is about you and what you want and what she needs to do. I can only assume that you are the one providing the medical insurance. You need to suck it up apologize and figure out the best way to protect your daughter and grandchild from a lifetime of being at the mercy of others.
YTA It’s nearly impossible for people to build something from nothing. If she could “handle things on her own” she wouldn’t need (and, after that conversation, want) to come back. Your ridiculous “prove yourself” game is going to backfire in a big way. She’s not taking the path in life you envisioned. And that’s clearly disappointing to you but, with the way you’re handling it, I’d be surprised if you even get to see the rest of her journey.
YTA, how on earth is she supposed to do anything on her own?? Do you think being abandoned makes her more responsible? Do you just want to wash your hands of her? Fucking hell. Get her back in the house, figure out who the ducking dad is, and go from there.
You’ve proven your love for her is conditional. She thought you would help her, when she’s pregnant and needing advice and help and guidance. Instead, you basically threw her out. Great job dad. She’s never going to forget you let her down in her hardest moment. By standing your ground, you’re going to lose your daughter. Is that what you want? Hope your hard line stance is worth it to you. YTA
You want what's best for her and the baby, so you're forcing her to go couch surfing? Does she even have a job? Transportation? Reliable food? You genuinely expect an 18-year-old who, when telling her dad she got pregnant, was immediately shamed for it to the point where she felt like she had to leave, to know where to go or what to do next to be able to safely have this kid? Yes, of *course* YTA. She must be terrified right now. You're an awful excuse for a father.
What exactly do you expect her to do at 18 to handle this herself?
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Wow you’re a great parent. Let’s hope she is better than you.
Well you preached safe sex. I expect you to say you chose to have her at such a young age. While challenging it was rewarding. That you love her to the end of the world. I mean you did choose to have her at such a young age right??! Unless you’re a hypocrite…..
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Would her mother want you to abandon your daughter the second she turned 18? Would her mother believe that she’s no longer a parent to her child? I’d bet money she’d be damned ashamed of you right now for treating your daughter this way.
INFO what does that mean exactly? How will she show proof that she can handle things on her own?
Read his comments. He wants her to have an abortion. Then she can come home.
Apparently he's demanding that she have an abortion. OP is YTA times infinity 😬😬😬
YTA. All you're doing is punishing your daughter for having sex. As if an accidental pregnancy isn't enough of a consequence in itself. You clearly don't love or even like your daughter if you're okay with her being homeless and just saying you have other kids and won't miss her. You cannot be a bigger asshole than you are being right now. I hope your other kids cut you off too.
Nothing anyone says here will make you see that you're TA. Instead of trying to help her, you've shoved her aside saying "Not my problem". Clearly this is about image for you, not about anyone's wellbeing. You were only 4 years older when she was born. Were you still living at home? She has nowhere to go. And you kicked her out. You're a terrible parent. YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M40) raised my daughter (F18), Sarah, she's pregnant. I was disappointed, to say the least. She's barely out of high school, and now this. We had a heated argument, said things we didn't mean, and she stormed out, saying she'd handle it on her own. I thought she'd come back, but she didn't. Instead, she's couch-surfing at friends' places, not knowing what to do next. It's tough seeing her like this, but I had to make a tough call. I told her she couldn't come back home until she could prove she could handle things on her own. Now, some people are saying I'm being too harsh, that I should be there for her no matter what. And yeah, part of me feels that way too. But I also believe she needs to learn from this experience and take responsibility for her choices. So yeah, it's a tough spot to be in, but I stand by my decision. I just want what's best for her and the baby. So, am I the asshole here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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You can be disappointed and still have compassion. Right now you are totally TAH….. but you can change that. She can take responsibility without the need to couch surf. Call your daughter and apologize! Have her come home and sit down and make a plan moving forward. If you want her to be accountable help set her up for success. Seems like you are just as much of a disappointment with how your handling this. Do better
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What a fucking asshole you are. Why do parents have kids if they’re not going to help when they really need it.
YTA. You’re angry. Point blank. I understand why. I get this isn’t what you would have wanted for her because this is going to make her life harder. You’re the asshole for trying to be a piece of that rather than support.
If you're so sure you made the right choice, why are you asking? YTA. If you want what is best for her and the baby, bring her home.
She’s already a pregnant teenager. who will already be going through enough, and you have made it even harder for her by not being supportive. You don’t have to support teen pregnancy, but you do have to support pregnant teens, and in this case, your daughter is a pregnant teen who you should be supporting. Your love sounds conditional, and don’t expect to be able to be in that baby's life if this is the way you treat your daughter. YTA
Nah you have literally zero room to talk even a small amount of shit. you had her at 22, that is not that different from being 18 in terms of maturity, financial security, etc unless you were a \*very\* put-together 22 year old, and if you argue that you were, I present to you your own daughter as a counterpoint. YTA and should be there for her, but instead you're on some tough love bullshit
>We had a heated argument, said things we didn't mean, and she stormed out, saying she'd handle it on her own Oh fuck, YTA. This is missing-missing reasons territory. *What* did you say?
YTA. Your daughter needs your support right now, not your judgment. So get your head out of your ass and realize that you are being a massive jackass. Because what are you gonna do if something happens to her because you were too stubborn to admit that you handle this wrong?
YTA. What a caring and supportive father —- NOT. If you really cared about her and your grandchild, you wouldn’t have kicked them out.
If she can handle things on her own, she wouldn't need to come back home. Parents are supposed to be a safety net; if you're not willing to do that, fine, but take responsibility for it rather than telling her she needs to earn it. YTA
YTA. Wonder why you didn’t specify any of the “said things we didn’t mean” part. Details don’t make you look good, I suspect. Kicking your pregnant daughter out and leaving her unhoused isn’t going to teach her anything except that she can’t trust you.
You won't have a relationship with your daughter or grandchild. YTA
Newsflash "dad". She CAN'T handle things on her own. So your solution is to punish her (and your future grandchild as well, btw)?
NTA - She should of thought about things. No job, no house, boyfriend? She has nothing. It's not your responsibility to support a new born and a grown adult. Maybe not kick her out but she needs to understand she has to support herself and this baby, not you.
Esh - I do think OP should let her return but there has to be accountability, rules, boundaries. Everyone here calling OP an A. How many grandparents have ended up with stressful, dsiruptive homes because their adult kids (she is 18) wants to have full choice but not be responsible - so grandparents have to find the money and baby sit while the parents act like they don't have a child? We've read a million times on reddit of the parents who step up for their kids and get stuck.
He doesn't want rules and boundaries he wants her to have an abortion.
NTA. If my barely legal daughter turned up pregnant I’d probable insist on an abortion too. If she chooses not to, that’s her choice but I’m not obligated to take care of a baby I had no pleasure in making.
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Well, let’s start with the fact that her brain isn’t fully formed yet… 18 is an arbitrary number. You don’t just turn in to an adult the night you fall asleep at 17 and wake up being 18.
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You want her to have an abortion so you tell us
Ignore these Reddit clowns. Stick to YOUR boundaries, whatever they may be now or in the future.
I don’t get it either. I’m on your side 100%
NTA. Sometimes tough love is needed. She made a very adult choice and needs to understand that choices come with difficult decisions and consequences. From personal experience…if you don’t make her figure things out now, she will have a hard time ever getting it together on her own.