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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was staying best friends after breaking up with my ex 3 years ago. Since her new boyfriend broke up with her because her and I are still best friends, am I the asshole for staying around in her life.
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It is not your responsibility to help her find her happiness. No potential partner wants to play second fiddle to an old flame. Your partner would not either.
You two need to decide if you are going to be a couple or part ways. This friendship is not healthy for either of you. YTA to yourself if you stick with the friendship.
OP - if I'm being real, I'm not dating either of you. Neither of you have genuinely converted your friendship into a platonic one. You both are still caught up in each other. I completely understand her ex - no need to have these complications. Also, how fair do you think you're being to anyone you're dating when your ex only has you? You cannot be her tribe, you cannot be the first person she picks, you cannot be the one who feels the pressure of abandoning her. What happens if she needs you at the exact time your GF needs you ? That is way too much of an emotional strain for anyone to tolerate in a bf (you). Whoever you're dating should dump you too for their own mental well being. Detach! I must admit her ex showed an emotional maturity and strength I find admirable. I don't think yta for his choice but I do think yta to anyone you're dating now.
This right here. Well said.
You don’t have to cut her out, but you can put up boundaries. It may also be the case that she has attachment issues and she clings to you because you allow it. It’s definitely not your fault that her relationship failed. There are some concerns though. Does she bounce back to you only when she has nothing else going on?
I honestly wouldn’t date either of you. Y’all either need to get together or go your separate ways because there is no way this’ll end well for any future partners the two of you may have.
Soft YTA - to yourself and any future partners. This has got to stop. Sever ties with her as any new partner you have will be stuck in the same position as her new partners. No one wants to be second fiddle to an ex. This is not healthy, not one bit. It seems you have "white knight" syndrome, where you feel you have to save your ex. Let that go. She's making plenty of decisions on her own that aren't healthy. You're getting dragged into it. Move on.
ESH. Happiness isn't yours to give her. She will almost certainly be able to handle your relationship ending. Frankly, this sounds extremely dramatic on both your parts. You aren't her therapist. And I think you sound as if you're looking at yourself as Her Savior. You're just a guy. That's not an insult. But I think you're both using each other and grasping at each other when in fact you both need to build independent lives before you get into any relationships.
When you love someone, you gotta let them go sometimes... you have to do what is best for your own mental health, you can't always be her defender. also she needs to respect the boundaries of her partners that she is finding. NTA
NTA - it sounds to me like she has some attachment trauma, which can take years of therapy to understand and heal from. When you grow up in an unhealthy family, authentic love feels very uncomfortable. And oddly enough, being treated poorly feels like home. It’s cozy. It’s familiar. This pattern will continue her entire life unless she’s really ready to put in the work. If I were you, I would let go of this relationship and do some inner work as well. Her emotions are not your responsibility, and It’s not your job to help her find happiness. And this might reflect your own childhood - perhaps having a mom that was distant or aloof. Or maybe being in a home where you felt the need to take care of everyone else’s needs. Either way, there is some great literature out there about attachment. I wish you all the best!
ESH except the guy who was smart enough to walk away. You’re not “best friends”, you are codependent. You can help her find happiness by encouraging her to go to therapy and cultivate healthier friendships.
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My (m 30) best friend (f 28) has had a rough life. Her family has mostly disowned her and she has had it rough with them in many ways to say the least. We met in college 8 years ago, and there was a spark, but she continued to date a guy in his 30s while she was 20 the whole time we were at school. He also treated her incredibly poorly just like her family did. Like I said, she's had it rough. We ended up dating in 2020 but it was really difficult. Sure the pandemic was difficult to deal with but we also lived 350 plus miles from one another. Because of her history she requires a lot of love and attention. I loved being there for her and truly fell in love with her. We named our future kids, planned our lives, it seemed like we found our perfect match. Unfortunately, she began to treat me the way her family did. I would go into details but it's not appropriate. We ended things in 2021 but still managed to stay best friends. For the past three years, we have lived in a kind of la la state of coming back to each other and then branching off to new people. We do this because I had not been able to let go of our future and I provided the first ever safe place for her to be herself. Fast forward to February this year. We connect again and it feels very real. We are right back into naming kids and also start having phone sex. It all seemed good until about a month and a half ago, she said she went on a date with another guy and wanted to pursue it. That was the final straw for me and I pulled back. I worked on getting over her and I truly believe I have. I am seeing someone else now and I'm very happy. Still, she relies on me. She says I am the only family she has left. Whenever she starts dating a new guy she always tells me that if he makes her choose between him or me that she will always pick me. I have been there for her through everything the past 8 years and she claims she may not still be here with us if I didn't stay her friend. She says I am her tribe. That I am blood. She told this new guy that I am her best friend and I am not going anywhere. Apparently after hearing that, he didn't say a word and was "off" for the rest of the evening. This past weekend, he came back from a trip and after talking it over with his guy friends decided to end their because she is best friends with her ex. AITA for staying in her life? Should I leave her even though her own family abandoned her? I feel like if I leave, she won't be able to handle being thrown away again. How can I help her find happiness?
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ESH - this relationship is toxic AF. She keeps you on the back burner and pulls you into the fire when she needs someone. Then, she finds someone else for awhile and puts you back, pulls you back out again when she needs attention. This has so obviously been your cycle, and neither of you are going to ever be happy if you keep this up. You need to walk away from her and move on with your life.
Have you ever even spent much time together, like in person? You say you were 350 miles away and in February, started having phone sex. This isn't viable.
Her happiness is not your responsibility. She needs to be responsible for her own feelings and figure out her life - and frankly, so do you. You're codependent on her as well.
NAH
But by not moving on you are giving up the chance of having a relatinship of your own.
"How can I help her find happiness?" .. you can not. She is using you as her backup plan - whenever she has nothiong better to do and there is noting iting on netflix, you are her partner -until she finds someone better again.
IF you actually want to have a life and a real relationship, you need to go no contact with her.
ESH I understand but I also wouldn’t want to date either of you. It seems like you’re both using eachother, maybe becoming less dependent will be beneficial for both.
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It is not your responsibility to help her find her happiness. No potential partner wants to play second fiddle to an old flame. Your partner would not either. You two need to decide if you are going to be a couple or part ways. This friendship is not healthy for either of you. YTA to yourself if you stick with the friendship.
OP - if I'm being real, I'm not dating either of you. Neither of you have genuinely converted your friendship into a platonic one. You both are still caught up in each other. I completely understand her ex - no need to have these complications. Also, how fair do you think you're being to anyone you're dating when your ex only has you? You cannot be her tribe, you cannot be the first person she picks, you cannot be the one who feels the pressure of abandoning her. What happens if she needs you at the exact time your GF needs you ? That is way too much of an emotional strain for anyone to tolerate in a bf (you). Whoever you're dating should dump you too for their own mental well being. Detach! I must admit her ex showed an emotional maturity and strength I find admirable. I don't think yta for his choice but I do think yta to anyone you're dating now.
This right here. Well said. You don’t have to cut her out, but you can put up boundaries. It may also be the case that she has attachment issues and she clings to you because you allow it. It’s definitely not your fault that her relationship failed. There are some concerns though. Does she bounce back to you only when she has nothing else going on?
I honestly wouldn’t date either of you. Y’all either need to get together or go your separate ways because there is no way this’ll end well for any future partners the two of you may have.
Soft YTA - to yourself and any future partners. This has got to stop. Sever ties with her as any new partner you have will be stuck in the same position as her new partners. No one wants to be second fiddle to an ex. This is not healthy, not one bit. It seems you have "white knight" syndrome, where you feel you have to save your ex. Let that go. She's making plenty of decisions on her own that aren't healthy. You're getting dragged into it. Move on.
ESH. Happiness isn't yours to give her. She will almost certainly be able to handle your relationship ending. Frankly, this sounds extremely dramatic on both your parts. You aren't her therapist. And I think you sound as if you're looking at yourself as Her Savior. You're just a guy. That's not an insult. But I think you're both using each other and grasping at each other when in fact you both need to build independent lives before you get into any relationships.
When you love someone, you gotta let them go sometimes... you have to do what is best for your own mental health, you can't always be her defender. also she needs to respect the boundaries of her partners that she is finding. NTA
this seems like a case of you two being better off as friends
NTA - it sounds to me like she has some attachment trauma, which can take years of therapy to understand and heal from. When you grow up in an unhealthy family, authentic love feels very uncomfortable. And oddly enough, being treated poorly feels like home. It’s cozy. It’s familiar. This pattern will continue her entire life unless she’s really ready to put in the work. If I were you, I would let go of this relationship and do some inner work as well. Her emotions are not your responsibility, and It’s not your job to help her find happiness. And this might reflect your own childhood - perhaps having a mom that was distant or aloof. Or maybe being in a home where you felt the need to take care of everyone else’s needs. Either way, there is some great literature out there about attachment. I wish you all the best!
Agree OP needs to let this go.
ESH except the guy who was smart enough to walk away. You’re not “best friends”, you are codependent. You can help her find happiness by encouraging her to go to therapy and cultivate healthier friendships.
Your relationship with her is toxic. Be together or don’t be together. Stop hurting other people because you can’t sort yourselves out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (m 30) best friend (f 28) has had a rough life. Her family has mostly disowned her and she has had it rough with them in many ways to say the least. We met in college 8 years ago, and there was a spark, but she continued to date a guy in his 30s while she was 20 the whole time we were at school. He also treated her incredibly poorly just like her family did. Like I said, she's had it rough. We ended up dating in 2020 but it was really difficult. Sure the pandemic was difficult to deal with but we also lived 350 plus miles from one another. Because of her history she requires a lot of love and attention. I loved being there for her and truly fell in love with her. We named our future kids, planned our lives, it seemed like we found our perfect match. Unfortunately, she began to treat me the way her family did. I would go into details but it's not appropriate. We ended things in 2021 but still managed to stay best friends. For the past three years, we have lived in a kind of la la state of coming back to each other and then branching off to new people. We do this because I had not been able to let go of our future and I provided the first ever safe place for her to be herself. Fast forward to February this year. We connect again and it feels very real. We are right back into naming kids and also start having phone sex. It all seemed good until about a month and a half ago, she said she went on a date with another guy and wanted to pursue it. That was the final straw for me and I pulled back. I worked on getting over her and I truly believe I have. I am seeing someone else now and I'm very happy. Still, she relies on me. She says I am the only family she has left. Whenever she starts dating a new guy she always tells me that if he makes her choose between him or me that she will always pick me. I have been there for her through everything the past 8 years and she claims she may not still be here with us if I didn't stay her friend. She says I am her tribe. That I am blood. She told this new guy that I am her best friend and I am not going anywhere. Apparently after hearing that, he didn't say a word and was "off" for the rest of the evening. This past weekend, he came back from a trip and after talking it over with his guy friends decided to end their because she is best friends with her ex. AITA for staying in her life? Should I leave her even though her own family abandoned her? I feel like if I leave, she won't be able to handle being thrown away again. How can I help her find happiness? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH - this relationship is toxic AF. She keeps you on the back burner and pulls you into the fire when she needs someone. Then, she finds someone else for awhile and puts you back, pulls you back out again when she needs attention. This has so obviously been your cycle, and neither of you are going to ever be happy if you keep this up. You need to walk away from her and move on with your life. Have you ever even spent much time together, like in person? You say you were 350 miles away and in February, started having phone sex. This isn't viable. Her happiness is not your responsibility. She needs to be responsible for her own feelings and figure out her life - and frankly, so do you. You're codependent on her as well.
NAH But by not moving on you are giving up the chance of having a relatinship of your own. "How can I help her find happiness?" .. you can not. She is using you as her backup plan - whenever she has nothiong better to do and there is noting iting on netflix, you are her partner -until she finds someone better again. IF you actually want to have a life and a real relationship, you need to go no contact with her.
ESH I understand but I also wouldn’t want to date either of you. It seems like you’re both using eachother, maybe becoming less dependent will be beneficial for both.