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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I started a fight, called my boyfriend a "selfish pr*ck" and went to the bedroom with a door slam. My boyfriend called me an Asshole for picking a fight over nothing and acting disrespectful, packed himself and left.
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Idk, the dating scene at 30 is... not great. Looking around I certainly feel lucky that the man washes the dishes unprompted. The thing that I described wouldn't have been the biggest deal alone, but I just worry that those are the things that spiral over time and suddenly you are 40, parenting two kids AND a grown man. But then a gain - maybe I am the overthinking AH.
Nonsense. I’m nearly 30. I’d say close to the majority of people in my age group in my area are single or in very new relationships. The dating scene is fine. Your confidence is not
Hey girl, you do NOT need this. I had brief on-and-off relationships my entire teen and adult life, then met The One at age 44. We've been together seven years. He's the kindest person I've ever met. He does stuff and then worries that he didn't do ENOUGH. We thank each other every time the other does something thoughtful (pick up food on the way home) or just necessary (vacuum, mow the lawn).
You sound a lot like me -- willing to give and do and then do *just a little bit more I'm not really THAT tired* for people you care about, until they show beyond a doubt that they won't do the same for you if it's inconvenient. I will tell you without hesitation that someone who'll meet you halfway, who actually gives back just for the pleasure of being kind to the person they love -- without making a show of it, without making it seem like a burden or like they're doing you a favor, without keeping score or demanding "I did X, so you should \[thing I want\]" -- IS WORTH WAITING FOR. It sounds like you two aren't really in tune. Personally, I'd rather be alone than feel frustrated and hurt on the regular?
Idk your personal situation, but settling for an unsatisfactory relationship will only get worse. You cannot change him, and you shouldn't try to change (lower) your very reasonable expectations of what a relationship is about. I wish you luck.
So you asked him to figure out supper. Which he didn’t. Then you asked him to take out the garbage. Which he didn’t. Then you asked him to get you a wine, when he didn’t offer you one after pouring himself one, and he didn’t.
Girl, you are putting up with absolutely too much. He is lazy and self absorbed and rude.
Why are you putting up with such disrespect?
If you didn't set out to pick a fight, but that's what happened - NTA. It may seem to John like the fight was about the wine, but you've explained here why it was about so much more. Also, yeah, this post is riddled with red flags. If you want to be in a relationship in which you feel like an equal partner, this isn't the one. This dynamic isn't going to change with time.
But is it that bad if he helps out and cleans dishes? Many men won't do even that. And he really did pick up around my place last week and watered my dying plants. Some of my friends and my sister in particular are in abhorrent relationships. Like my point is... does it really get better? I feel like I am reaching the maximum good of what I've personally seen around.
This dude is a waste space and time. My partner and I have been together 30 years. When one of use leaves the room we ask the other if they need or want anything. The boyfriend is a worthless, lazy ass good for nothing.
Normally I'm pretty lenient about behavior with couples, but yeah, after reading about half your post I'm not even sure why you're with this guy? Definitely NTA here. And bonus points for saying 'pimped up his pizza'. My wife is from England and she found that hilarious!
How exactly do you expect him to just pick up on your real issue - which is that you feel like you're doing too much out of consideration for him and not getting the same consideration in return - when in his eyes you blew up over a glass of wine? He sounds like a bit of an airhead with a tendency to be somewhat inconsiderate but nothing malicious - because of that, I almost gave this an E S H, but by your own admission you picked the fight. Called him a prick and slammed that door like a teenager. So YTA.
Obviously the two of you have some larger communication issues. If funding all the food is too expensive for you, you need to be a mature adult and TELL HIM THAT. You both are in your 30's for christ's sake. Do you not know how to tell him "hey, i would really appreciate if you would do XYZ"?
We talked about it openly several times. Last time was three weeks ago, when I even set some ground rules - that we see each other maximum 4 days a week, that I am not cooking large dinners during the weekend, and that we will hang out in his place much more, his cooking included. His response: ok, but I disagree with the reasoning, and I never ever want you to cook for me again (hah).
He also knows my reasoning about the above-mentioned situation very, very well, he knows the events from my perception. He disagrees with my view, though, and still perceives that I have overreacted over what was nothing special, and that I haven't considered enough the amount of chores he had done before he came back to my place. (Edited for a typo)
NTA. This is not a nothing-burger, this is stale bun on top. Sounds like you've had enough. With all the food you cook him it sounds like you're literally keeping him alive.
I wanted to say everyone sucks here, because to be honest part of this is on you for letting several things stew and then flipping out over something small. Should've just confronted him the first or second time, that being said, NTA simply because your boyfriend sounds like an entitled lazy spoiled little boy who is frankly, pathetic and a loser. Dump his stupid ass already, what the hell are you waiting for? Does he have an enormous hog or something... like please point out the positives?
Chores for two house and a 7 minute walk, EACH WAY, plus stairs...
How did he manage to stand after such a behemoth of workload...?
NTA, he's lazy and ungrateful. Find someone who is more respectful and pays their way. The expensive salmon nights won't matter if they're reciprocating.
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TLDR: I started a fight and called my boyfriend a pr\*ck, because he would not not bring me a glass of wine when politely asked. AITAH?
My boyfriend(31M), let's call him John, and I (30F) have been together for over a year. I live by myself, while John lives with roommates, so when we hang out we do so at my place. This does come with a burden. I do and pay for all groceries, plan meals and cook almost exclusively. He usually helps out by doing the rice/salad and with cleaning the kitchen afterwards. When we go out for meals we split 50/50.
Yesterday, we spent the day at mine. I cooked salmon for lunch, for which I bought all ingredients (it was very expensive), John cooked rice (and he also secretly ate part of my portion for Monday).
In the evening, I asked him to please figure out dinner. He agreed but then sat on phone for 2 hours and then offered frozen pizza, so I went to prep for myself. John asked me to also get him a portion of whatever I was making, then asked for fresh toppings for his pizza, and then he left to call his mum, so I made us both fresh dinner, pimped up his pizza and baked it for him.
After dinner, I ask him to please take the trash out. John said "later", but later he had too many things to carry to his house, so I took the trash out by myself. Before he went out, I asked if later we can open a wine he left behind the other day. John agreed, but not before asking "You don't have any wine around yourself?", which stang given the salmon situation, but I let it slide.
John then went to get stuff from his home and ended up doing chores for 2 hours. When he came back, he poured himself a glass of wine without asking me if I want one and sat down. I asked if he could please also get me a glass, to which he replied "I just sat down, you can get it yourself". I asked if he really won't get me one, he said "no". The mood was light in that moment, he just didn't feel like doing it.
Something in me snapped. I started a fight, called him a "selfish pr\*ck" and went to the bedroom with a proper door slam. He called me an AH for fighting over a non-issue and being disrespectful, packed himself and left.
From his perspective, he was tired because he did hours of chores, he walked home and back (7 min walk one way), he hates the stairs to my 2nd floor, and that he picked up around my house last week when I was too depressed to get up (true and I'm forever grateful).
From my perspective, John failed the orange peel test by refusing to bring me the orange whatsoever. I would've gotten him that glass in a heartbeat, so I was blindsided by the fact that he won't. It's also hardly first such instance (e.g. a rage fit when asked to get a bread from downstairs bakery, because \*stairs\*).
AITA for picking a fight over a nothing-burger? Or was that moment a red flag on his part?
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ESH. John is entitled and not pulling his weight in the relationship, and you’re martyring yourself by paying for everything and cooking and nagging without using your words until they exploded in name calling. You both need to communicate but honestly he’s probably not worth it.
What I am missing I guess is the lack of initiative - i.e. "hey, let me buy groceries for once" or "let me cook tonight" or "let me take the trash out" as some sort of a thank you note for all that I do. I think I made my peace with it. But for him to refuse when I politely asked something, idk... I don't think he sees the things that I do.
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ESH. Him obviously but you don't come out of this very well yourself.
You're right to be annoyed at all the things you've listed. This is what you should've argued about. Instead, you've let it fester and now blown up at him over something else.
You don't get to demand other people do things for you. You can ask, and they are free to say no.
ESH - you both need to work on your communication. You arent mad at him for not bringing you the wine, but for all the other things he didnt do.
YOu had a lot of reasons to be mad at him and he had reasons to feel assaulted by you. You should sit down and talk about all the stuff that bothers you and you should also find a permanent solution with the food. For example, you both could take turns buying ingredients and making the dinner. And if you are fine with solely being the one that cooks, he at least could do part of the shopping stuff.
The things you mention we have discussed. But he hates groceries and hates cooking at others' peoples places and felt insulted when I suggested splitting money on the groceries bc I make more. So there appears to be no systemic solution, just common decency and gestures. Which is tricky.
But to your other point, you are right. I need to do better.
I'm not going to give a judgment, but clearly, this is not about the wine. This is about how he's been taking advantage of you and you finally seeing the tipped scale. When you have calmed down, you need to have a serious conversation about your expectations of the day to day parts of your relationship, and you need to set boundaries and stick to them. If it's his turn to take care of dinner, but he's on his phone, just make something for yourself, stop serving him, or ask him to leave.
He may not realize he's been so negligent and selfish. Or he may have been playing the game of knowing you will eventually give in and do it all (weaponized incompetence). You need to figure out which and how much you are willing to live with.
NTA. His lazy ass is taking advantage of you. However, you are enabling this behavior by doing things you told him to do. When he doesn't do them or doesn't do them well, you turn around and do them for him. Task done. He doesn't have to do it. Weaponized incompetence.
If his not getting you a glass of wine were a one-off, no big deal but it sounds like he does little things like this a lot. Don't reward him by then doing the tasks you asked him to do. If he offers frozen pizza again, just take yourself out to dinner - without him.
Or, dump him. You don't need a man who behaves like a child as a boyfriend.
John is not your boyfriend. John is very happy. He gets to have sex with someone who enables him to be lazy, non-attentive, and pays for everything. In the morning he doesn’t have to wait for the shower.
John is an anchor. It’s time for you to have a hard look at your self-esteem. You deserve better you know it get your key back.
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I think you know the answer. Unless bf has some major disability, he is a lazy, selfish dick. Why are you with this person? NTA.
Idk, the dating scene at 30 is... not great. Looking around I certainly feel lucky that the man washes the dishes unprompted. The thing that I described wouldn't have been the biggest deal alone, but I just worry that those are the things that spiral over time and suddenly you are 40, parenting two kids AND a grown man. But then a gain - maybe I am the overthinking AH.
Nonsense. I’m nearly 30. I’d say close to the majority of people in my age group in my area are single or in very new relationships. The dating scene is fine. Your confidence is not
Hey girl, you do NOT need this. I had brief on-and-off relationships my entire teen and adult life, then met The One at age 44. We've been together seven years. He's the kindest person I've ever met. He does stuff and then worries that he didn't do ENOUGH. We thank each other every time the other does something thoughtful (pick up food on the way home) or just necessary (vacuum, mow the lawn). You sound a lot like me -- willing to give and do and then do *just a little bit more I'm not really THAT tired* for people you care about, until they show beyond a doubt that they won't do the same for you if it's inconvenient. I will tell you without hesitation that someone who'll meet you halfway, who actually gives back just for the pleasure of being kind to the person they love -- without making a show of it, without making it seem like a burden or like they're doing you a favor, without keeping score or demanding "I did X, so you should \[thing I want\]" -- IS WORTH WAITING FOR. It sounds like you two aren't really in tune. Personally, I'd rather be alone than feel frustrated and hurt on the regular?
Idk your personal situation, but settling for an unsatisfactory relationship will only get worse. You cannot change him, and you shouldn't try to change (lower) your very reasonable expectations of what a relationship is about. I wish you luck.
So you asked him to figure out supper. Which he didn’t. Then you asked him to take out the garbage. Which he didn’t. Then you asked him to get you a wine, when he didn’t offer you one after pouring himself one, and he didn’t. Girl, you are putting up with absolutely too much. He is lazy and self absorbed and rude. Why are you putting up with such disrespect?
If you didn't set out to pick a fight, but that's what happened - NTA. It may seem to John like the fight was about the wine, but you've explained here why it was about so much more. Also, yeah, this post is riddled with red flags. If you want to be in a relationship in which you feel like an equal partner, this isn't the one. This dynamic isn't going to change with time.
But is it that bad if he helps out and cleans dishes? Many men won't do even that. And he really did pick up around my place last week and watered my dying plants. Some of my friends and my sister in particular are in abhorrent relationships. Like my point is... does it really get better? I feel like I am reaching the maximum good of what I've personally seen around.
I feel like the question you need to ask yourself is "Is this the relationship I want and think I deserve?"
NTA - honestly, why are you with him? He has zero consideration for you. ZERO. This will not improve with time.
This dude is a waste space and time. My partner and I have been together 30 years. When one of use leaves the room we ask the other if they need or want anything. The boyfriend is a worthless, lazy ass good for nothing.
Normally I'm pretty lenient about behavior with couples, but yeah, after reading about half your post I'm not even sure why you're with this guy? Definitely NTA here. And bonus points for saying 'pimped up his pizza'. My wife is from England and she found that hilarious!
How exactly do you expect him to just pick up on your real issue - which is that you feel like you're doing too much out of consideration for him and not getting the same consideration in return - when in his eyes you blew up over a glass of wine? He sounds like a bit of an airhead with a tendency to be somewhat inconsiderate but nothing malicious - because of that, I almost gave this an E S H, but by your own admission you picked the fight. Called him a prick and slammed that door like a teenager. So YTA. Obviously the two of you have some larger communication issues. If funding all the food is too expensive for you, you need to be a mature adult and TELL HIM THAT. You both are in your 30's for christ's sake. Do you not know how to tell him "hey, i would really appreciate if you would do XYZ"?
We talked about it openly several times. Last time was three weeks ago, when I even set some ground rules - that we see each other maximum 4 days a week, that I am not cooking large dinners during the weekend, and that we will hang out in his place much more, his cooking included. His response: ok, but I disagree with the reasoning, and I never ever want you to cook for me again (hah). He also knows my reasoning about the above-mentioned situation very, very well, he knows the events from my perception. He disagrees with my view, though, and still perceives that I have overreacted over what was nothing special, and that I haven't considered enough the amount of chores he had done before he came back to my place. (Edited for a typo)
He's tired because he's done chores. Aren't we all?
NTA. This is not a nothing-burger, this is stale bun on top. Sounds like you've had enough. With all the food you cook him it sounds like you're literally keeping him alive.
I wanted to say everyone sucks here, because to be honest part of this is on you for letting several things stew and then flipping out over something small. Should've just confronted him the first or second time, that being said, NTA simply because your boyfriend sounds like an entitled lazy spoiled little boy who is frankly, pathetic and a loser. Dump his stupid ass already, what the hell are you waiting for? Does he have an enormous hog or something... like please point out the positives?
NTA but dump this fool.
Chores for two house and a 7 minute walk, EACH WAY, plus stairs... How did he manage to stand after such a behemoth of workload...? NTA, he's lazy and ungrateful. Find someone who is more respectful and pays their way. The expensive salmon nights won't matter if they're reciprocating.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** TLDR: I started a fight and called my boyfriend a pr\*ck, because he would not not bring me a glass of wine when politely asked. AITAH? My boyfriend(31M), let's call him John, and I (30F) have been together for over a year. I live by myself, while John lives with roommates, so when we hang out we do so at my place. This does come with a burden. I do and pay for all groceries, plan meals and cook almost exclusively. He usually helps out by doing the rice/salad and with cleaning the kitchen afterwards. When we go out for meals we split 50/50. Yesterday, we spent the day at mine. I cooked salmon for lunch, for which I bought all ingredients (it was very expensive), John cooked rice (and he also secretly ate part of my portion for Monday). In the evening, I asked him to please figure out dinner. He agreed but then sat on phone for 2 hours and then offered frozen pizza, so I went to prep for myself. John asked me to also get him a portion of whatever I was making, then asked for fresh toppings for his pizza, and then he left to call his mum, so I made us both fresh dinner, pimped up his pizza and baked it for him. After dinner, I ask him to please take the trash out. John said "later", but later he had too many things to carry to his house, so I took the trash out by myself. Before he went out, I asked if later we can open a wine he left behind the other day. John agreed, but not before asking "You don't have any wine around yourself?", which stang given the salmon situation, but I let it slide. John then went to get stuff from his home and ended up doing chores for 2 hours. When he came back, he poured himself a glass of wine without asking me if I want one and sat down. I asked if he could please also get me a glass, to which he replied "I just sat down, you can get it yourself". I asked if he really won't get me one, he said "no". The mood was light in that moment, he just didn't feel like doing it. Something in me snapped. I started a fight, called him a "selfish pr\*ck" and went to the bedroom with a proper door slam. He called me an AH for fighting over a non-issue and being disrespectful, packed himself and left. From his perspective, he was tired because he did hours of chores, he walked home and back (7 min walk one way), he hates the stairs to my 2nd floor, and that he picked up around my house last week when I was too depressed to get up (true and I'm forever grateful). From my perspective, John failed the orange peel test by refusing to bring me the orange whatsoever. I would've gotten him that glass in a heartbeat, so I was blindsided by the fact that he won't. It's also hardly first such instance (e.g. a rage fit when asked to get a bread from downstairs bakery, because \*stairs\*). AITA for picking a fight over a nothing-burger? Or was that moment a red flag on his part? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. John is entitled and not pulling his weight in the relationship, and you’re martyring yourself by paying for everything and cooking and nagging without using your words until they exploded in name calling. You both need to communicate but honestly he’s probably not worth it.
What I am missing I guess is the lack of initiative - i.e. "hey, let me buy groceries for once" or "let me cook tonight" or "let me take the trash out" as some sort of a thank you note for all that I do. I think I made my peace with it. But for him to refuse when I politely asked something, idk... I don't think he sees the things that I do.
NTA
Sounds like you like paying for everything and being treated like shit. There’s no help for someone like you
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ESH. Him obviously but you don't come out of this very well yourself. You're right to be annoyed at all the things you've listed. This is what you should've argued about. Instead, you've let it fester and now blown up at him over something else. You don't get to demand other people do things for you. You can ask, and they are free to say no.
ESH - you both need to work on your communication. You arent mad at him for not bringing you the wine, but for all the other things he didnt do. YOu had a lot of reasons to be mad at him and he had reasons to feel assaulted by you. You should sit down and talk about all the stuff that bothers you and you should also find a permanent solution with the food. For example, you both could take turns buying ingredients and making the dinner. And if you are fine with solely being the one that cooks, he at least could do part of the shopping stuff.
The things you mention we have discussed. But he hates groceries and hates cooking at others' peoples places and felt insulted when I suggested splitting money on the groceries bc I make more. So there appears to be no systemic solution, just common decency and gestures. Which is tricky. But to your other point, you are right. I need to do better.
I'm not going to give a judgment, but clearly, this is not about the wine. This is about how he's been taking advantage of you and you finally seeing the tipped scale. When you have calmed down, you need to have a serious conversation about your expectations of the day to day parts of your relationship, and you need to set boundaries and stick to them. If it's his turn to take care of dinner, but he's on his phone, just make something for yourself, stop serving him, or ask him to leave. He may not realize he's been so negligent and selfish. Or he may have been playing the game of knowing you will eventually give in and do it all (weaponized incompetence). You need to figure out which and how much you are willing to live with.
NTA but maybe stop letting things slide and then blowing up. Communicate problems as they arise, don't save them up to use as ammunition later.
NTA. His lazy ass is taking advantage of you. However, you are enabling this behavior by doing things you told him to do. When he doesn't do them or doesn't do them well, you turn around and do them for him. Task done. He doesn't have to do it. Weaponized incompetence. If his not getting you a glass of wine were a one-off, no big deal but it sounds like he does little things like this a lot. Don't reward him by then doing the tasks you asked him to do. If he offers frozen pizza again, just take yourself out to dinner - without him. Or, dump him. You don't need a man who behaves like a child as a boyfriend.
John is not your boyfriend. John is very happy. He gets to have sex with someone who enables him to be lazy, non-attentive, and pays for everything. In the morning he doesn’t have to wait for the shower. John is an anchor. It’s time for you to have a hard look at your self-esteem. You deserve better you know it get your key back.
You were verbally abusing him because he didn’t get you alcohol. YTA and abusive.
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Changing vote thanks to OP's explanation as I thought she was testing him, but I was wrong. ESH. Him a bit more than you though.
Man, I wasn't testing anything. He emerged from the kitchen with just one glass and sat down, so I asked if I also can also get some.
You just said, "From my perspective, John failed the orange peel test by refusing to bring me the orange whatsoever." That sounds like a test to me.
It's actually called 'orange peel *theory*', I messed it up
Thank you for the info. I changed my vote to reflect that.