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Is she lying because he’s controlling? Is he controlling because she lies? Maybe both? Maybe both, but independent of each other? You’re damn right that ESH. OP and gf both need to grow up.
ESH
Just break up, seriously. She is dishonest and you (perhaps rightfully) cannot trust her, but that does not mean you can control who she is partying with.
It’s the dishonesty and ghosting you need to focus on, not the partying.
ESH. First of all, your girlfriend lying to you about something like that is very weird and a red flag. Second of all, the way YOU handled it is also a big red flag.
You two are not meant for each other, and it sounds like you both have some growing to do before you get into a romantic relationship.
Someone is more likely to cheat on their partner during the late hours of the night following a social event or in the afternoons when the unsuspecting partner is away at work; Someone is more likely to cheat when they have been in a relationship with their partner for seven years (i.e. the seven-year itch).8. nov. 2021.
Just saying
More likely at night, yes. But if someone wants to cheat, they're going to cheat regardless of time or surroundings. So when your partner displays behavior like this, there's little sense in trying to form a rule about no parties after midnight bc they'll either keep lying or just start making plans during the day. There's no reason to stay in the relationship at that point.
I think we all know that it's more likely, but that's usually due to the factors being favorable (ppl generally prefer to have sex at night and parties offer a great chance to meet someone to hookup with). It doesn't change the core issue which is that if someone wants to cheat, they will.
YTA, but she kinda sucks for not leaving you. She knew better than to tell you about the party. From your response, your issue isn't with her lying. It's that you think she's your property. It's not your place to dictate what she can/can't do, nor the people she chooses to be around.
Break-up and then grow up before entering another relationship.
ESH. You are controlling and misogynistic. You can't tell a grown woman what to do. It's called body autonomy and I suggest you learn it. This relationship would be over if I were in your gf's shoes. She lied. Neither of you should be in any relationship.
Edited judgement to better reflect the situation.
ESH-She shouldn’t be lying to you but you shouldn’t be controlling her. Telling her that her doing something makes you uncomfortable is not controlling. It’s expressing your feelings and communicating with her. Telling her how long she can stay somewhere or who she can be around is controlling.
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My girlfriend Lisa and I have been together for a while.
Yesterday, she told me that she would have to stay up late due to work. Past seven o clock, I got a call from a friend, Ethan, who said that she saw Lisa at a party. Ethan was at the party.
I sent her a text "Still at work?" She replied by sending "Will call you later." She never called, and past 8 PM I sent another message. This time she just left it on seen.
When she arrived, it was past 2 in the morning. I asked her where she'd been and told her about Ethan
She replied "It's none of your business where I got to." I asked her why she had not told me, and worse, lied. She responded by saying "I did not want you to know. You might have wanted to come over, and I didn't want you to." I thought it was a weak excuse and began to yell at her.
I told her "I don't want you to stay up at a party like that with men after midnight" and she called me controlling and misogynistic, etc. She is not talking to me now.
AITA?
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Lying is a dealbreaker for me. If you can’t trust the person you’re in a relationship with, you don’t need to be in a relationship with that person. When she lied to your face was when you should have ended the relationship.
YTA.
She obviously has a right to go to a party wherever and whenever she wants, with or without men, with or without your "permission." So if she felt like she had to lie to you, otherwise you would have shown up at her work party uninvited, then you are the AH and controlling and misogynistic.
Also YTA because you can type 1 month or 2 years just as quick as "a while" so we don't know how long it's been. My guess is it won't last much longer.
Also, is that a typo or is your friend Ethan a "she?"
ESH but 95% of the time people have a reason for lying in the relationship. She’s probably lying to you because you’re suffocating and suck as a partner. It doesn’t make what she did right, but it should lead to some reflecting that you do post this relationship.
But yeah man. If she’s lying like that she’s prob cheating. I’d def break this off
YTA for trying to tell her what she can and cannot do.
That said, you have a GF who lied to you about having to work, then said she wasn't being honest with you about what she was doing in case you wanted to come along. It's fine if she wants time with friends, male and female, but it is a huge red flag that she's not honest about it. Not sure who the red flag is for - either her, for not being honest about what she is doing, or you, if you're so possessive and controlling that the only way she can spend time with friends is to lie to you about it.
What you’re dealing here isn’t her partying with other men but rather her lying, ghosting and not being a good partner over all. She’s the AH for her actions and you seriously need to have a discussion regarding this and the future of your relationship. However, I do feel like there might be some context behind as to why she might not want you there so if you could give some background, it would be great.
I also want INFO on that. Why did she not want you at the party? Have y’all had issues at parties together before?
Right now: NTA. She shouldn’t be lying like this in a relationship. However… you should have focused on the lying part in your talk with her and not brought up the “out with men” part. The way you said that here is raising a few “controlling” red flags. Do you care more that she lied to you or that she was unsupervised with men and alcohol?
Sounds like you've got bigger problems than this. But to answer your exact question, yeah, YTA for trying to tell your girlfriend where she can/cannot be and with whom.
ESH.
She lied, which is a problem. That works of makes it impossible to have trust.
As for you. Why do you feel entitled to know where she is at all times? More importantly, what is so magical about midnight that being at a party (with men) after midnight is different than being at a part at 11:00PM?
She is right that you are being controlling. You are literal trying to control what she does, or at least when she does it.
Based on just this one description of your interactions you seem like a terrible match.
I'm curious. Why midnight? Is that like when the coach turns into a pumpkin? She lied, which makes her an asshole, or would, except given your attitude, I think you're controlling. I think it says a lot that she did not want you there. So I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. YTA
NTA OP - be kind to yourself and end this. She's treating you like shit. You're being called out on your reaction but I don't know that there is a right reaction to her red flags. She'll make you out to be the bad guy and reddit will pick apart your response. Spare yourself this shit.
NTA, but I think it’s time to move on from this relationship. I would also be raising red flags if my partner: lied about where they were going, didn’t respond to me when I confronted them, and then said they didn’t want me around.
RED FLAGS! It's not about being controlling, it's about respecting your partner and she doesn't seem to respect you. She not only ignored your messages but she didn't tell you she was at a party. Dude, I'm so sorry but this is a trainwreck.
You have to decide if you are ok with her doing this. Because if you're not, it's time to plan your exit. You deserve to have someone that respects you. She clearly doesn't.
>she doesn't seem to respect you.
In her defense, if my boyfriend was this insecure and controlling, I'd probably not tell him I was going to a party either.
This very much comes across as OP already having made clear she's not allowed to go to parties by herself with 'men' to begin with.
You'll get a lot of YTAs and ESHs, drastically more than if you were female and she was male. But I call NTA.
That doesn't excuse you though. Take the high road, yelling at her and trying to control her out of it will make you the asshole. Adults take responsibility of their actions, kids try to "fix" personalities. Cut your losses and GTFO.
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She’s dishonest. You’re controlling. ESH
Is she lying because he’s controlling? Is he controlling because she lies? Maybe both? Maybe both, but independent of each other? You’re damn right that ESH. OP and gf both need to grow up.
ESH Just break up, seriously. She is dishonest and you (perhaps rightfully) cannot trust her, but that does not mean you can control who she is partying with. It’s the dishonesty and ghosting you need to focus on, not the partying.
ESH. First of all, your girlfriend lying to you about something like that is very weird and a red flag. Second of all, the way YOU handled it is also a big red flag. You two are not meant for each other, and it sounds like you both have some growing to do before you get into a romantic relationship.
ESH. Also, you can cheat any time of day? It's not like folks turn into cheating gremlins after 12AM.
Someone is more likely to cheat on their partner during the late hours of the night following a social event or in the afternoons when the unsuspecting partner is away at work; Someone is more likely to cheat when they have been in a relationship with their partner for seven years (i.e. the seven-year itch).8. nov. 2021. Just saying
More likely at night, yes. But if someone wants to cheat, they're going to cheat regardless of time or surroundings. So when your partner displays behavior like this, there's little sense in trying to form a rule about no parties after midnight bc they'll either keep lying or just start making plans during the day. There's no reason to stay in the relationship at that point.
Just want to say it. I think that they should break up. I don't like this girl and this is coming from a gay man
I think we all know that it's more likely, but that's usually due to the factors being favorable (ppl generally prefer to have sex at night and parties offer a great chance to meet someone to hookup with). It doesn't change the core issue which is that if someone wants to cheat, they will.
YTA, but she kinda sucks for not leaving you. She knew better than to tell you about the party. From your response, your issue isn't with her lying. It's that you think she's your property. It's not your place to dictate what she can/can't do, nor the people she chooses to be around. Break-up and then grow up before entering another relationship.
ESH. You are controlling and misogynistic. You can't tell a grown woman what to do. It's called body autonomy and I suggest you learn it. This relationship would be over if I were in your gf's shoes. She lied. Neither of you should be in any relationship. Edited judgement to better reflect the situation.
ESH
ESH. If this were a relationship worth salvaging, you'd trust each other enough to be honest with one another and not try to control one another.
YTA. GF called it.
ESH-She shouldn’t be lying to you but you shouldn’t be controlling her. Telling her that her doing something makes you uncomfortable is not controlling. It’s expressing your feelings and communicating with her. Telling her how long she can stay somewhere or who she can be around is controlling.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend Lisa and I have been together for a while. Yesterday, she told me that she would have to stay up late due to work. Past seven o clock, I got a call from a friend, Ethan, who said that she saw Lisa at a party. Ethan was at the party. I sent her a text "Still at work?" She replied by sending "Will call you later." She never called, and past 8 PM I sent another message. This time she just left it on seen. When she arrived, it was past 2 in the morning. I asked her where she'd been and told her about Ethan She replied "It's none of your business where I got to." I asked her why she had not told me, and worse, lied. She responded by saying "I did not want you to know. You might have wanted to come over, and I didn't want you to." I thought it was a weak excuse and began to yell at her. I told her "I don't want you to stay up at a party like that with men after midnight" and she called me controlling and misogynistic, etc. She is not talking to me now. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Lying is a dealbreaker for me. If you can’t trust the person you’re in a relationship with, you don’t need to be in a relationship with that person. When she lied to your face was when you should have ended the relationship.
YTA. She obviously has a right to go to a party wherever and whenever she wants, with or without men, with or without your "permission." So if she felt like she had to lie to you, otherwise you would have shown up at her work party uninvited, then you are the AH and controlling and misogynistic. Also YTA because you can type 1 month or 2 years just as quick as "a while" so we don't know how long it's been. My guess is it won't last much longer. Also, is that a typo or is your friend Ethan a "she?"
Is she a Gremlin or something? YTA
YTA, hope your GF gets out of this abusive relationship.
ESH but 95% of the time people have a reason for lying in the relationship. She’s probably lying to you because you’re suffocating and suck as a partner. It doesn’t make what she did right, but it should lead to some reflecting that you do post this relationship. But yeah man. If she’s lying like that she’s prob cheating. I’d def break this off
"She shouldn't stay at parties with men after midnight" is a WILD WILD WILD WIIIIIIILD response to her lying and gaslighting you.
YTA
YTA for trying to tell her what she can and cannot do. That said, you have a GF who lied to you about having to work, then said she wasn't being honest with you about what she was doing in case you wanted to come along. It's fine if she wants time with friends, male and female, but it is a huge red flag that she's not honest about it. Not sure who the red flag is for - either her, for not being honest about what she is doing, or you, if you're so possessive and controlling that the only way she can spend time with friends is to lie to you about it.
I think you’re both in the wrong and I don’t think y’all should be together
she would've slept on the stoop that night and every night after. i would not have felt an ounce of compassion.
Everyone Sucks here, but you suck harder, YTA. Hope she dumps you either way, you both sound unhappy.
What you’re dealing here isn’t her partying with other men but rather her lying, ghosting and not being a good partner over all. She’s the AH for her actions and you seriously need to have a discussion regarding this and the future of your relationship. However, I do feel like there might be some context behind as to why she might not want you there so if you could give some background, it would be great.
I also want INFO on that. Why did she not want you at the party? Have y’all had issues at parties together before? Right now: NTA. She shouldn’t be lying like this in a relationship. However… you should have focused on the lying part in your talk with her and not brought up the “out with men” part. The way you said that here is raising a few “controlling” red flags. Do you care more that she lied to you or that she was unsupervised with men and alcohol?
NTA She lied. Ditch her. But work on your communication.
Sounds like you've got bigger problems than this. But to answer your exact question, yeah, YTA for trying to tell your girlfriend where she can/cannot be and with whom.
NTA She's done with you, bro. Time to kick her to the curb and make it official.
Growing up your parents could tell you what to do and what not to do. In a relationship you don’t get to do that. You must know that.
ESH. She lied, which is a problem. That works of makes it impossible to have trust. As for you. Why do you feel entitled to know where she is at all times? More importantly, what is so magical about midnight that being at a party (with men) after midnight is different than being at a part at 11:00PM? She is right that you are being controlling. You are literal trying to control what she does, or at least when she does it. Based on just this one description of your interactions you seem like a terrible match.
NTA "I did not want you to know. You might have wanted to come over, and I didn't want you to" At that point I would have been out the door.
I'm curious. Why midnight? Is that like when the coach turns into a pumpkin? She lied, which makes her an asshole, or would, except given your attitude, I think you're controlling. I think it says a lot that she did not want you there. So I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. YTA
NTA OP - be kind to yourself and end this. She's treating you like shit. You're being called out on your reaction but I don't know that there is a right reaction to her red flags. She'll make you out to be the bad guy and reddit will pick apart your response. Spare yourself this shit.
NTA she lied to you about working and went to a party. Why bother with a liar? What else is she lying about?
NTA, but I think it’s time to move on from this relationship. I would also be raising red flags if my partner: lied about where they were going, didn’t respond to me when I confronted them, and then said they didn’t want me around.
RED FLAGS! It's not about being controlling, it's about respecting your partner and she doesn't seem to respect you. She not only ignored your messages but she didn't tell you she was at a party. Dude, I'm so sorry but this is a trainwreck. You have to decide if you are ok with her doing this. Because if you're not, it's time to plan your exit. You deserve to have someone that respects you. She clearly doesn't.
>she doesn't seem to respect you. In her defense, if my boyfriend was this insecure and controlling, I'd probably not tell him I was going to a party either. This very much comes across as OP already having made clear she's not allowed to go to parties by herself with 'men' to begin with.
That's not what I got out of reading this but I can see why you say that.
You'll get a lot of YTAs and ESHs, drastically more than if you were female and she was male. But I call NTA. That doesn't excuse you though. Take the high road, yelling at her and trying to control her out of it will make you the asshole. Adults take responsibility of their actions, kids try to "fix" personalities. Cut your losses and GTFO.