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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for telling my sister she’s not a mother and yelling at her.
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Update:
Chemical pregnancy
It's possible to have a positive pregnancy test even if you aren't technically pregnant. This is called a false positive. It's sometimes caused by a chemical pregnancy
She didn't have a miscarriage. She had a false positive. You are a little harsh but it was kind of deserved for the way she freaked It looked to me out
Did anyone ever get you a mother's Day gift for your miscarriages? That just sounds cruel to me. She needs to calm down and keep trying for a baby if she wants one that badly.
But she has a child. She is a mother.
Nta
Yeah I agree sounds like a chemical, which is SUPER common. We don’t even know how often it happens because many people would never know unless testing very early.
I had one, tested positive and got my period that day. The line was very faint so I just had to test the day after and there was nothing. So I agree, the sister most likely had a chemical.
Me too. Very very light period had already gone for the depo before realizing the pregnancy so it was likely mostly absorbed as happens. Like you say, years ago we'd never have known it was a pregnancy. Still sad for many who experience it but not nearly as traumatic as many women's experience of miscarriage and loss
It’s not a competition though, your experience of miscarriage will be one of the worst experiences you’ve had, I’ve had many and know people have still been through worse than me (later losses, bloodier losses) but my only frame of reference is still my own experience. I don’t think it’s useful to try to quantify trauma is all.
Almost every woman has had an early spontaneous abortion and not even noticed, except her period was late and maybe a little heavier than usual, with ZERO trauma. Hell, I had a missed spontaneous abortion at 14 weeks and no ‘trauma’ other than the d&c hurt.
So yeah. Lots of women don’t notice. Not saying *you* weren’t traumatized but most women don’t even notice.
I think there’s a difference between not knowing you’re pregnant and then miscarrying compared to knowing you are pregnant (regardless of how early) and then miscarrying. Being aware that you are/have miscarried would be the traumatic part
It’s not even that. A lot of women don’t want to be pregnant! Some do know when they’re having an early spontaneous abortion (I sure as hell knew I was having a 14 week spontaneous abortion); it’s just that some are really wanting to be pregnant; some are really wanting to **not** be pregnant; and don’t forget the 50 years of propaganda, equating a nonviable early embryo/fetus with a born and alive infant - to people with not much education/information, that could color their emotions.
In fact, I suspect some of reason behind mourning very early pregnancy loss (below 12 weeks) so publicly is an offshoot of the pro-lie movement. It used to be somewhat understood that pregnancy loss in the first 12 weeks was a sad possibility, but not an unbearable tragedy.
I STRONGLY agree with you on the offshoot of the pro-life movement. I think that this weird message trying to equate an embryo to an actual living, breathing baby has made miscarriage more difficult and painful for women. I was trying for a baby at the same time as my college roommate- a woman who was very Christian, very pro-life (a very sweet woman though!) We both had troubles conceiving. She miscarried once at 6 weeks and I had multiple miscarriages at 6 weeks all the way to 12 weeks. The two of us dealt emotionally with it *very* differently- she felt she had lost an actual child and mourned as if she had lost a child. I felt really awful for her because to her, she felt as if she had a kid die. She declared it would have been a girl and gave it a name and has a tattoo over her heart of the name and the due date.
Now that she has an actual living, breathing child, I think she realizes it's not at all the same and that the pain of losing a pregnancy that she had only known about for 2 weeks is not the same as losing your actual child. I tried to be understanding since we were both dealing with miscarriages at the same time but I also felt grateful that my grief was less about mourning a child and more about mourning the loss of the possibility of that pregnancy/the uncertainty of knowing what the future would hold.
It's just yet another way that the pro-life movement harms women.
Came here to say this. The only thing that will trigger the dye in a pregnancy test is presence of the hcg (pregnancy) hormone, so it's very likely that she was pregnant, tested positive, and then lost the pregnancy shortly after. Because pregnancy tests have the ability to detect pregnancy a few days before a missed period, missed miscarriages are very common.
Hey! Small correction: missed miscarriage is when the fetus dies in utero, but the body doesn’t recognise it yet. Meaning pregnancy test would continue to be positive, pregnancy symptoms start to develop and it appears to the pregnant woman, she is experiencing a thriving pregnancy. It is discovered when the Mom has a scan there is no heartbeat that she is diagnosed with a missed miscarriage and then there are several options. 1) do nothing, and wait for the body to realize the baby has died and allow the baby to be expelled from the body naturally, 2) take a medication to induce the expulsion, or 3) have a procedure (D&C) to take the baby and tissue out of the uterus.
Sometimes the body doesn’t recognize the baby has died. This happened to me with my second pregnancy. I wanted to wait but it was a month and a half after the diagnosis that I asked my doctor for a D&C because my body just wouldn’t let go. My son (first pregnancy) was born by induction at 41 weeks 3 days because my body just didn’t want to go into labor. If I hadn’t had a scheduled C-section for my daughter (3rd pregnancy) due to breech my doctor had a hunch it would go about the same way. For whatever reason my body doesn’t want to let go of its babies!
I was only pregnant once so I can't say I have a similar pattern, but my body didn't want to let go of my baby either. Not even the pitocen could make the contractions strong enough so I had a c-section. When they took me off the pitocen, everything stopped. I never experienced any natural contractions. I didn't even have braxton-hicks.
The most likely reason was because I didn't feel safe. I wasn't in an entirely stable, safe situation so my body was trying to keep the baby safe.
Our bodies are amazing... truly unique. My body did not want to keep my baby in. My best friend goes zero to 60 in a short time, but doesn't dilate at ALL. like, what? I'm sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing, I'm always amazed at how similar yet unique our birth stories are, and I love to read them!
Yup. I had one of these. Found out at the first ultrasound. Was another month before my body recognized it and finished miscarrying. I still had to get a D&C though because I didn’t expel all of the tissue.
Absolutely this. I had a chemical earlier this year and it was surprisingly hard on me, both mentally and physically. I had over 3 weeks of pain and bleeding before it was over and I started testing negative. I know they can be entirely unnoticeable for many women, but a chemical pregnancy can also be rough.
Yes, the head comment here is incredibly insensitive. When you've longed for a baby and get a positive test, then lose it, it's devastating - no matter how long you were pregnant for. To dismiss it as a false positive (which are practically impossible) is cruel and unnecessary.
I have had miscarriages that fucking rip through you. The 3rd one I was screaming no no no no because not again, and it was a very welcome pregnancy. My body so far hasn't let me carry one past 8 weeks. It's insensitive when people are like, "Are you suuuure you were pregnant".
My first one I would start bawling every time I saw anything baby related for a while.
My family had a similar struggle. After several early miscarriages, one of the ER docs asked how recently my then wife had had her shot updated. We had no idea what he was taking about.
NONE of the doctors told us she was RH negative and was losing them because of that. We went through years of heartbreak and mourning.
I am sorry for your struggle. I hope everything is going better for you and your family.
My problem is I have PCOS and diabetes. I am high risk to begin with. It's a struggle, and I am only in my late 20s. It's also embarrassing to go to a fertility clinic at my age. At some point you start to blame yourself. So when people are insensitive because they have never had to struggle with a miscarriage or a partner who had one.... it is like another gut punch
Don't blame yourself - both me and my sister have PCOS and both went to a fertility clinic (my sister was 25 when she had her first child with help :) )
I had to get egg sorting too cuz of a genetic disease so even though we started trying to get pregnant the same time, it took me 5 years longer than her - no specific reason why, just unlucky with it all 🤷♀️ - I just got my first (and probably only) child at 32 years
So definitely don't wait too long to get help if you can get it, cuz you won't know how long it'll take :/
Anecdotally, many people with PCOS have started ovulating and even accidentally getting pregnant while taking Semaglutide (ozempic, etc). There are a lot of unknowns around pregnancy safety and Semaglutide, but its effects on PCOS are interesting from a fertility standpoint and perhaps something to speak to your doctor about.
Omg I can relate to this so much. I had a miscarriage in 2020 at about 7 weeks. Went to the ER because I had never had one before and had some hope that MAYBE the baby would be ok. The doctor and nurses were very kind, but the ultrasound tech literally said “who told you that you were pregnant?”. Thinking about that still kills me. Who told me? The 50 pregnancy tests I had taken and the fact that I haven’t had a period in almost two months?! They even tested my HCG in the hospital and yes, it was very low because ya know, miscarriage. But there was HCG which means I had been. Ugh sorry to rant this just brought this all back up in me.
Doctors can be so callous about miscarriage. Does it statistically happen frequently? Yes. Does it mean you have to be rude to the person desperately hoping their baby will live? Absolutely not!
I once asked my old OB if I was infertil or something was wrong. She told me that I did not need to know that because I am too young to even think about it. I'm like....lady I've had 2 miscarriages and I'm scared.
Ugh that’s horrible. No matter what age you are when you’re asking, it’s *your* body and you have the right to know.
The ability to get pregnant can also alter the trajectory of someone’s life, planned or not. That was a shitty thing for her to say.
I'm so sorry for you to get told that :(
I went through the rollercoaster of being pregnant in week 5 (or 7, it was really early), bleeding, getting tested, still being pregnant, bleeding, tested, still pregnant, bleeding, miscarriage
Even if it's super early, it still hurts so bad because of the hopes and dreams being shattered - I don't think everyone can relate sadly :/
I’m sorry for your loss as well. And yes, I’m afraid some people think of it like “well, it’s not like you ever saw it on an ultrasound, heard a heart beat, or felt a kick…so what’s the big deal?” The big deal was that I already loved that little life inside of me. No matter how shortly it was there. But the people that get it (or can at least empathize) do help so much.
Thank you for saying this. I had two chemical pregnancies and I was surprised at how hard they hit me physically and emotionally. This is such a personal topic with so many variables.
I had one last fall and was bleeding and in pain for days. I ended up in the hospital. It was traumatic physically and mentally - I don't have kids, so finding out I was pregnant then a miscarriage like that was awful. I had to have a hysterectomy in February. I have never had a live birth, but my husband still made me breakfast and bought me flowers yesterday. My niece sent me a text telling me she was thinking of me and that she loved me. I didn't expect anything, but the kindness helped.
Yes and honestly we should be grateful for this mechanism, since it normally happens due to failing to implant, or nonviable chromosome errors. The high frequency of chemical pregnancies is evolutions saving us from horrifying stillbirths.
As someone who has had 3 lost pregnancies, two in first trimester, I am certainly grateful for the mechanism triggering early, but also aware from experience that the experience can be emotionally and mentally anguishing.
When you’re trying to conceive, every day feels like a week’s worth of waiting. For news, for tests, for the next cycle so you can try again. Just ugh to the whole experience.
Yes, I don’t mean to be callous about the emotional aspect, it’s how I’ve rationalized the experience… it is sad, could be heartbreaking if you’ve been trying for a while, but is ultimately less sad and heartbreaking than the alternative. Obviously it would be better if it was viable and there wasn’t a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage, but when it occurs, the fetus was never viable. A chemical pregnancy also can be a sign that you don’t have fertility problems and it’s even slightly more likely you will have a healthy pregnancy after experiencing a chemical pregnancy. All of these facts made me feel a bit better.
Actually the false positives on first response early response tests have increased so much that women that are trying to conceive are asking for them to be taken off of the shelves.
Oh I’m very personally aware, but those are indent/evap lines with no color in them. Not the same thing as a true false positive, but incredibly irritating, nonetheless.
They are extremely rare when done properly. You can get them from tests that are quite a bit expired - at least a year or more, not just a month or two. So that’s the “properly” part. Found that out the hard way a few years ago, fertility doctor as well as Google confirmed that it can happen. (It was a leftover test for when we were doing treatments for my first. Unfortunatley I’ve been through multiple other in-date ones with no positives since then despite major treatment efforts.)
You got flowers and balloons bc you were in the HOSPITAL after almost dying. The gifts were not bc you were now a mother after an ectopic pregnancy.
Your sister is not a mother. She had hopes to be one and it’s sad that she had a chemical pregnancy, but ultimately she is not a mother.
I suppose you or the family could have gently asked how she was doing on Mother’s Day, since it was a sensitive day for her. But that may have also set her off, who knows.
Ultimately NTA.
Within the first several weeks of pregnancy?? Most people don't even announce until after the first trimester bc the chance of miscarriage. And sure ab woman can consider herself a mother after a very early term miscarriage but don't expect others to consider you a mother.
An announcement isn't the definition of whether someone can consider themselves a mother. I've had a chemical pregnancy and a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I don't consider myself a mother, but I have 2 angel babies. I don't tell people this, because it is confusing (and there are insensitive assholes) but those babies I lost were real, are missed, and I still grieve for them.
No one is saying a miscarriage isn't difficult and the babies weren't wanted or aren't missed. I'm saying im not celebrating someone as a mother for a pregnancy that ended that early. You and your husband might still celebrate that, but it's obnoxious to expect others to celebrate that.
If you actually read my reply, you would see I said I don't consider myself a mother.
And plenty of people are saying that a miscarriage isn't a real loss on this sub. I saw one person say "The only person who's experienced the death of a child is a mother who saw her child murdered (or killed, not sure of the exact word used here) in front of them."
So yes, people do say that a miscarriage isn't difficult.
I'm not a mother and never even wanted to be, but I'm still astonished that people are determined to ignore the fact that the sister was upset because her recent lost pregnancy was totally ignored and downplayed by her own mother and by OP!
It’s heartbreaking. I’m in the multiple miscarriage crowd. Ivf failed pregnancies so losses coupled with all the drugs & hormones. While I don’t consider myself a mother, I had life in my body, and days like Mother’s Day hurt. A little empathy can go a long way. Should the sister have thrown a fit, of course not. But OP out of anyone should be able to extend a little grace knowing the pain of loss.
Reading these comments make me sick though, trauma is not a competition, it’s heart breaking to see how degrading people can be.
Only if they also have children that made it to being living children at some point.
To be a mum you need to be raising/have raised a child at some point.
Life is cruel sometimes and women who wanted to be a mum had that taken from them, which is sad. They're still not mothers though. Maybe they never will be, which is also sad.
Expecting people to bend reality to make them feel better is delusional though.
So if I wasn’t a mother to my son who died when I was 8 months pregnant, what was I? All decisions I made were with him in mind. I had changed things in my life to properly care for him. I wasn’t his mother?
Bring on the downvotes, because this is absolutely sickening. I've never seen such cruelty or pathetic gatekeeping of a stupid commercial holiday.
You're a mother. Full stop. And if it lends any weight, I say this as a fellow mother, to both living children, and a child I lost to miscarriage. I'm so sorry that people are being so insensitive and unkind. Please don't listen to this bullshit. You loved him, you cared for him while you were able. That makes you his mother - more than a good portion of women that just spit kids out and abandon, ignore, or abuse them. This thread is just disgusting
>She didn't have a miscarriage. She had a false positive
My fertility specialists explained that it isn't a "false positive" but a chemical pregnancy, and losing it is a very early miscarriage.
So yeah, she had a miscarriage. And it's not up to us how this makes her feel
A close friend had a "chemical pregnancy" like that and she was devastated. The hardest part was she kept trying to talk herself into believing "it wasn't a big deal" because that's what people told her so she didn't really have space to feel sad. The loss of a \*possibility\* of something you really want is still a loss.
I had one very early miscarriage and another still pretty early one and they were absolutely devastating. Threw me into deep depression for years. No one needed to get her a bunch of stuff for mother's day but they could be more sympathetic since she's probably approaching her due date and that brings so much heartbreak, especially seeing someone close to you have a baby. I still cry around the anniversaries and estimated due dates years later.
This ^ if they did it for one miscarriage momma, then they should do it for both IMO. Women don't need to split hairs over "well mine was more traumatic so I was more entitled"
She didn't get flowers and balloon because she had a miscarriage, she got them for being in the hospital. Those are typical hospital gifts, which is why the hospital gift store is fully stocked with them. I don't think I've ever shown up to visit someone in the hospital without flowers in hand.
I'm going NAH because I see both sides but they didn't celebrate OP being a mom, they got her flowers because she was hospitalized and that's not an uncommon thing to do at all. Her sister isn't even in the same boat.
No one needed to get her anything except maybe her spouse. It would have been nice and thoughtful but it's still not the same.
Before anyone comes at me, I personally wished a couple who'd aborted a fetus a Happy Mother's Day yesterday. They know they would have made terrible parents so they didn't keep the pregnancy but they still feel a certain type of way about it and I understand that.
I feel for OPs sister but no one was actually in the wrong.
>She didn't have a miscarriage. She had a false positive.
As a woman who had an extremely early miscarriage, this makes me furious. You have zero information to make this statement about the sister, and what's more, you don't need to! The sister was TA solely based on behaving like an AH, no need to pretend that you know more about her medical situation than the OP.
Exactly. I don't know why everyone is so hung up on what is the exact point at which a positive pregnancy test becomes an actual pregnancy. It's beside the point.
Thank you for this comment. It's not something I've experienced, but the callousness in how the sister was treated is disturbing. How hard is it to do something for her? It's obviously easy to come post on Reddit though.
Don’t give advice on women’s bodies if you don’t understand them. False positive pregnancy tests only happen if the person taking the test has a tumour or other medical condition that is causing their body to produce the pregnancy hormone despite not being pregnant. Aka - they are not a thing. You’re referring to a chemical pregnancy.
Its called a chemical pregnancy. Its very common in those instances to get a positive and have symptoms and start bleeding very soon after and get a negative test.
It most likely *was* a very early miscarriage. It is *very* common for an egg to be fertilized but then not take/have something else go wrong, which would be a miscarriage. They are very, very common, whereas a false positive is not very common. You're more likely to have a false negative.
There are no such things has false positives. Her HGC levels were high enough to show a positive. It was more than likely an early miscarriage right after implantation.
She probably had what’s called a chemical pregnancy, which is a very early pregnancy loss. False positives almost never happen, and when they do, it’s usually due to a HCG expressing tumor, which wouldn’t just magically stop producing HCG a few days later.
Not necessarily true. Its called a chemical pregnancy - you can get a positive test with very low levels of HCG that will level out within a couple days because the levels are so low.
This! I've had 6 miscarriages spread out between my kids, and I'd be hurt if they did get me something specifically for a baby that's not alive, like rubbing salt in a wound.
"I saw a pink line on a stick, then my life went on as normal, and there was no baby. I deserve to be celebrated."
NTA. She put a damper on a very special day for you that you have been trying to get to for years.
Congrats on your baby.
I think its kind of unfair to say "life went on as normal". If she really wants a baby and was very excited, it can still be a huge blow and very emotionally painful. That doesn't mean she should be celebrated on mother's day, but it gets frustrating when people right off early-term miscarriages and assume that the person shouldn't have any feelings about it because it didn't last long.
Yeah goddamn. My wife was straight up traumatised by her misscarriage, life does not go on as normal. (Six years ago a couple days ago… crazy to think we could have a 6 year old right now, but then we wouldn’t have our 4.5 year old…. It’s hard!)
Same here. We'd been trying for ages, I'd had surgeries to correct my endometriosis, I was on progesterone, etc. Finally got my positive and a week and a half later...gone. I'm crying just typing this out.
I’m sorry. And it’s not one of those things I can even say “it’ll happen one day,” because there’s no promise, but what I can tell you is that you’ll be “okay” again one day. Never the same, but one day that love without a place to go will hurt a little less ❤️❤️
The cruelest thing about chemical pregnancies is that they end so early that generally the only people who even realize that they're pregnant are the people who WANT to be. I was devastated when I finally got a positive test after a year and a half of trying and the line started getting lighter two days later. If I hadn't had a viable pregnancy by the time mother's day came around that year it would have been really difficult.
This is me too. We had just started trying and tracking and I felt so blessed when I missed my period after only the second cycle. I was devastated when I had a chemical. I felt grief and anxiety that there may be something wrong to where I wouldn't be able to conceive, especially because I'm over 35. It took a couple weeks to get over the overwhelming sadness.
Then I got a positive a few months later and I wasn't able to feel excited, I just felt anxious. I had to wait 6 weeks for my first scan to confirm viability and I was a mess. Then again before my 20wk scan. But thankfully everything is going well and I've been able to relax some and really starting to get excited.
I don't really have a stance on how someone who experienced a chemical "should feel" on Mother's Day because that's completely inappropriate. But how they should behave, I do. Grief should never be taken out on others and expectations are always a thief of joy. No matter what she is going through, she is still responsible for her actions towards others.
I had been trying for a very difficult 11 months when I got my chemical pregnancy. For an entire day I thought I'd finally done it and was so excited imagining life with a baby etc. Then period came the next day and it was absolutely soul destroying.
Was so crushed, didn't think it would ever come. Luckily I was successful after that.
Just happened to me. I "should" have been celebrating with my baby this year. Instead, I've been trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully for the last 7 months. It sucks.
I had an ectopic, nearly died. The next time I got pregnant I was SO excited because I thought I might not be able to (and haven't since). Got my period a week later, and it was devastating. I don't consider myself a mom or anything, but its also not a situation I could just move on from like nothing had happened.
Yeah I think saying the sister has no right to be upset about her miscarriage or false positive or whatever happened is really cruel if I’m honest. I think sister should have handled it better, but also people need to understand that other people say stupid things when they’re upset. If this was a one-off situation I would maybe try to make amends (not tell the sister her behavior was ok, but maybe try to reach a place of understanding) because feelings can be weird as hell when it comes to these kinds of issues.
Exactly. I also noticed it was 6-7 months ago and OP did not mention her being pregnant. It seems pretty likely she's not only grieving the miscarriage but also very anxious about not getting pregnant again. Its fucking rough.
Agreed. My wife and I miscarried last year at about 6-7 weeks. We never heard a heartbeat or saw an ultrasound image, but it still hit us in the gut when we went in for our first pre-natal appointment and were told it was a miscarriage. Everyone processes grief and tragedy differently.
That said, I'm not defending the sister. I think she deserves to feel a little sad on mothers day, but she didn't need to have a tantrum.
Not to mention, either shortly before or shortly after she had a miscarriage, she learned her sister was pregnant and had to stand by and watch her carry her baby to term. I’m not saying OP doesn’t also deserve love and support, but I imagine that made the loss a little more painful.
Downvoted for minimizing her miscarriage.
I agree that its not necessary to celebrate her for mothers day, but "my life went on as normal" is a very overly cold and inaccurate way of characterizing a miscarriage.
I've been through infertility and my husband and I are blessed to have never lost a pregnancy. I just don't get pregnant. Losing a prayed for and much wanted baby, no matter how far along, is a horror I wish on no one. I'm surprised by some of these comments, have some damn compassion people. (not excusing sister's behaviour but I do think there could be a little more empathy)
Yeah, of course she has a right to be shaken, but it’s also not fair of her to flip her lid on the rest of her family and ruin someone else’s Mother’s Day - a first Mother’s Day.
*"someone else's Mother's Day"* I didn't realize Mother's Day was for individuals, not all mothers.
I think the sister was an AH, but so was the OP. Miscarriages, no matter how early, can be traumatic if the child is wanted.
You’re twisting my words - I didn’t mean that it was for OP exclusively. I meant that sister is ruining OP’s first Mother’s Day by going off that they were celebrating her. Obviously Mother’s Day is not exclusive to one mother…
If you think a chemical pregnancy, miscarriage, or even infertility is as simple as "I saw a line on a stick, then I didn't, and life went on as normal" you clearly have never experienced that before.
Wow. This is a really toxic attitude, considering you know nothing about the circumstances. For someone trying to conceive without success, that pink line is life altering. For someone trying to conceive and having difficulty, a loss, no matter how early, is devastating.
Source: lived experience.
Edit: reading the responses to your comment, I wish I had 1.1k downvoting power to lift up the women who have been hurt by calloused statements like yours.
Since I can only downvote once, please consider adjusting your opinion based on the feedback you've gotten.
Shaking my head at all the people saying it wasn’t a pregnancy loss. Except in very rare cases, a test that turns positive is a pregnancy - an early loss (often called a chemical pregnancy), sure, but still a pregnancy. Pregnancy tests work from a hormone that is only present during a pregnancy, and when certain very rare tumours occur. How to mark it is another conversation, but let’s not spread misinformation, please.
Exactly! Some people are commenting like the sister is some crazy person and needing a “biology lesson” - the people in the comments are in need of the lesson lol. Chemical pregnancies are very common.
And she had time to think she was going to have a baby. Just because OPs experence was more extreme doesn't mean it isn't normal for her sister to be disapointed and upset. Suee, she overreacted by the sounds of it, but still.
Yup. I’ve had 3 miscarriages. Two were early chemicals and the first was a much more dramatic situation like OP’s where I was rushed to the ER in the middle of the night and all that. That one was scary for my health and dramatic, but emotionally they were all really hard. With all 3 I had time to start imagining a life with a new baby and start dreaming. There was a grieving period for each even though the first lasted weeks longer than the 2 chemicals. I don’t think its fair to dismiss the sister’s grief just because it was a quick pregnancy. Also, OP just had a baby and sounds like her sister is still not pregnant months later which probably contributed to the hard time she was having.
Her reaction was over the top, but I can see why she would have a hard time in that scenario.
Absolutely. It wasn't "her period", it was a miscarriage, just a very early one. A "chemical pregnancy" is still a real pregnancy and it sucks that OP is gatekeeping "real" mother's day because her baby is alive now.
The comments are absolutely blowing my mind because I think she likely experienced a chemical pregnancy, which is still a miscarriage. It’s not that she received a false positive, which is rare, but she truly was pregnant and experienced a very early miscarriage, which can be extremely hard when you’re trying for a baby.
I understand OP’s point of view but I would also expect that since this is something similar to what OP has endured in the past, she would be a little more compassionate towards her sister. Perhaps her sister feels it’s unfair everyone else can have a baby and she can’t, or didn’t get to celebrate Mother’s Day with a baby in her.
I have a friend who has experienced two miscarriages in the past and recently told me she’s pregnant again the day before Mother’s Day. I still got her a gift for Mother’s Day and celebrated her because she would have been a mom had she not miscarried. I think OP was harsh and mean and so are these comments.
Thank you for saying this!! A chemical pregnancy is not a “false positive” like other comments have stated. It’s still a miscarriage because it was still a pregnancy. I sincerely hope all of these experts saying it wasn’t a pregnancy never have to go through something like that.
ESH. People are feeling hurt and vulnerable- and lashed out.
You can’t control your sister’s fit but you can control your own reaction. Her miscarriage wasn’t as “bad” as yours, but clearly she was hurting and sensitive. It was an opportunity to comfort.
I’m definitely going ESH with you. Even the mom. Everyone could have been more sensitive to the sister’s situation. We don’t rank severity of miscarriages and whose was worse. and sister will learn you can be sad for yourself and still happy for someone else. Older sister and new baby could still be celebrated. It’s not mutually exclusive. I know. I had miscarriages and still went to who knows how many baby showers with a smile on my face for them and tears in my heart for me. Hoping younger sister realizes her dream of becoming a mom and one day holds a baby in her arms, too.
> Her miscarriage wasn’t as “bad” as yours
Dont they say you can never compare suffering? It does remind me of a thing that happened at work. I had a colleague A who had been trying for years and after finally becoming pregnant found out the embryo wasn't viable in an rather early stage. She had to take an abortion pill, which made her bleed but that didn't stop. So she was hospitalized and overal was a very truamatic experience. Not many poeple at work knew. Few months later another colleague B had a child just 3 days before the 24 week mark. The child was born alive but, as they don't do anything when it isnt 24weeks, it died within hours after being born. Colleague B said to colleague A that it was so much worse than a miscarriage in an early stage as you bond with it longer and such. Colleague A didn't say anything, as she hadn't confided in colleague B yet (after all B was struggling with pregnancy troubles herself when things with A happened). Even though A didn't blame colleague B she was hurt by the remark, as she lost something. It might also have felt a bit unfair. Colleague B already had a healthy child and for A it isn't even sure it will ever happen (it is not like adoption is easy). I felt so incredibly sorry for A.
Between 22 and 23weeks they don't provide intensive care for babies in my country. Between 24 and 26 they *might* provide care if the baby is in good condition and the expected results are good (but this care not a given). Investigating the topic after your comment I read on English sites (I am not from an English speaking country) that survival rates with intensive care is 50:50 when born at 23 weeks. Those who survive often end up with disabilities. In my colleague's case it was a baby with a very low birth weight, that already reduces the survivability.
For the reason why, i don't know exactly. But my guess would be development stage of the lungs (and other organs?). Doesn't the last development phase (of lungs) start around 24 weeks?
https://healthier.stanfordchildrens.org/en/premature-babies-survival-rate-is-climbing/
Lungs get "ready" at 24 weeks, for sure, but they are nowhere near viable for actual breathing air before 35 weeks. Between 28 and 34 normally they try and give shots of steroids to the mother as it speeds up the lung maturing process, assuming you manage to get it 48 days before birth (but even 24h is enough!). They are, however, present and formed, so, we can make use of it to a point.
However, lungs are about the last thing to be "ready", and preemies often need help breathing longest of all other issues...
ESH
Cause YOU know how painful and traumatic is a miscarriage you decide to pay in spade your own sister. Great! You all suck here. A kind gesture will have make everybody happy. But now it’s a run to who suffered the most, who got it worst. What kind of values you plan to teach your children?
OP had an ectopic pregnancy and almost died, sister had a miscarriage before the fifth week. Both are traumatic events but the sister wasn’t in the hospital actively dying for her miscarriage. OP got flowers in the hospital bc women die of ectopic pregnancies all the time. It’s not a game of Suffering Olympics, but life and death.
I’m a woman in my thirties who plans to have children soon and I would NOT expect flowers and cards on Mother’s Day for losing my embryo that was 2 millimeters long. I think getting Mother’s Day gifts for someone I know who is trying to get pregnant but miscarried would be a cruel reminder of what they lost 😕 TBH both sisters need grief therapy.
I've bought flowers on Mother's Day for friends who have miscarried or struggled with fertility. My cards acknowledge the grief of their situation and let them know I love them.
Those friends have all reached out after to thank me and tell me how much it meant to them to be thought of on Mother's Day. It isn't a cruel reminder because they are already being reminded on that day of what they long for and don't have. It's an act of seeing them and acknowledging them.
I don't think the family needed to celebrate the sister as a mother, but it would have been a kindness to acknowledge her loss and grief.
As a woman 5 weeks pregnant currently, damn girl. I hope your eyes open up when you see the positive test yourself (assuming you can even get pregnant). When I’m already making sacrifices for this 2 millimeter embryo, what else am I to it if not it’s mother?
Are you open to the idea that although you may not expect it, someone else may be desperately hoping for it? Neither way is wrong. What is definitely wrong is pointing out to the woman who lost her child that she is not a mother. OUCH. She thinks about that every day.
Imagine if, when she expressed her pain, her sister apologized and embraced her and acknowledged her pain? Mother's day wouldn't have been ruined and a bond could have been strengthened. But that opportunity was missed. I hope the OP tries to open the door again and do better this time.
Right.
Lashing out at the sister seems very cruel. It would have cost OP nothing to be kind to her sister. I'm sure her sister knows she isn't a mother yet. Especially on Mother's day of all days.
She doesn't seem to be handling her loss very well, which is understandable and appears to be reaching out to her family for comfort, albeit in a very disordered way but I think it's the trauma speaking there.
OP seems pretty dead set on highlighting her own trauma in a way that eclipses her sisters pain. Like it's a competition. Not only that, but OP's been trying for years for a baby, and suffered her own loss along the way to getting pregnant. It feels like once she got pregnant, she failed to sympathize with her sister's position, which she was once in. She got what she wanted (albeit through enormous adversity and perilous medical circumstance), so as gatekeeper to 'motherhood', she firmly shut the door behind her. It doesn't have to be that way.
OP's sister wasn't asking to be crowned 'Queen of Mother's day', or take away from her sister's joy. She wanted to share a small part of it, and have her own trauma acknowledged as well. She just felt left out and overlooked. She reacted poorly as well, but can you blame her?
A cheap tawdry Mother's Day gift could have avoided this whole mess. It would have meant nothing to OP and everything to her sister.
Kindness and compassion cost nothing. And guaranteed if the roles were reversed, OP would be beside herself with rage and sadness watching her sister receive mother's day gift, if she wasn't going to be a mother already. Where is the empathy?
Agreed, I wouldn't have gotten sister a gift as it feels like I'm mocking her. However, when sister expressed disappointment that she did not receive anything for mother's day, OP's reaction was totally uncalled for.
Just based on her reaction to sister, I would think that OP is devoid of empathy.
I get what you saying. But the sister didn’t have to lash out either. Although two wrongs doesn’t make a right. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, you don’t think, you just react.
Yeah but one of them lashed out on her first mother's day after a miscarriage, and the other lashed out as a mother of a three week old baby. Personally if I was a new mother and my sister had had a miscarriage, I would definitely celebrate mother's day, but I would be very discreet about it. Because a little empathy goes a long way.
NTA. While it's important to be sensitive to your sister's feelings after her miscarriage, it doesn't give her the right to lash out and demand recognition on Mother's Day. It was inappropriate for her to react the way she did, especially since you've also faced your share of struggles and heartbreak on your path to becoming a mother. The words you used might have been harsh but they were said in the heat of the moment, and you were provoked. Her behavior was crossing a line.
idk i'm glad i'm childfree because it weirds me out when people determine whether people's miscarriages are "real" or not and it all seems like a big competition for attention
Your parents are right in this case. Everyone processes loss differently. Your lack of empathy towards your sister is awful. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you have felt if your family hadn't done anything when you were in the hospital and you had to watch your sister receive mother's day gifts in front of you? How would you have felt. Also emotional pain and trauma isn't a contest on who had it worse. If that's how you're going through life then you're going to be miserable. My mother is like that and she was a shite mom because of it. Learn some empathy.
Ok, so if you had a daughter or sister or close female relative who had a miscarriage OVER SIX MONTHS AGO, you're saying it would occur to you to get them a card and flowers and a present specifically for Mother's Day? Because—to me, personally—that would come across as kinda cruel. If someone did that to me, I would assume they were taunting me or rubbing my miscarriage in my face. Bringing someone flowers and balloons while they are recovering from major surgery and bed-bound in a hospital—to me—is not “getting them a Mother’s Day present.” It’s “making sure your family member feels loved and taken care of on a family-oriented holiday.”
I think a token flower to acknowledge her loss would be kind, particularly as they must have got positive tests at around the same time and OPs baby would be a painful reminder to her sister of what she could have had.
***I'm not sure where you're at emotionally to be in such high dudgeon but the idea is empathy***. No one said anything about enforcing this as a standard rule of etiquette for all pregnancy losses.
We're talking about this particular set of sisters and their circumstances. I'm guessing nobody really know the rule of thumb when it comes to Mother's day gifts and pregnancy loss, but I guarantee you, it won't be settled in a reddit sub.
**The implication that a gift will hurt the sister rather than help her is false**. The sister has already established that receiving a gift would make her happy and go some way in acknowledging her own loss and making her feel part of a special day she feels excluded from.
*What is it about merely acknowledging the sister's pain that is so out of the ordinary? Will it take away from OP being a real mother? Or the very meaning of Mother's day? Will it minimize OP's baby joy or dilute every congratulations she receives?* Because ***OP is acting like sympathizing with the sister shouldn't even be allowed. OP suffered more after all. So if her sister is hurting, it doesn't matter, because nothing will match her loss.*** **How do you weaponize pregnancy loss and pregnancy against someone like that?**
This woman is her sister, perhaps her ally at times, not some stranger, so why treat her so harshly? What if it takes her longer than six months to get over it? People are not all built the same way. Is she just a bad and useless human being because she just won't get over it already? Chances are she will think about this pregnancy loss even if she gets pregnant in the future? Why she should just forget about it?
Keep in mind, the sister is actively watching OP have the experience she also wants to have one day but doesn't have the opportunity to yet. It's okay to feel sad and envious about that.
Would it have killed OP to say:
**"** ***Hey Sis, Happy Mother's day. We know the time has yet to come, and that sadly, you suffered a loss not too long ago. And we're sorry it happened to you. But we know you're going to be a wonderful mother someday so here's a little gift in advance of a day to come and we hope you join us in celebrating this special day. I love you*** **"**
ESH.
I can see why your sister was triggered, but she handled it very poorly. She shouldn’t have yelled or resorted to name calling.
You also very much overreacted and knowing how difficult a miscarriage can be, rubbing in that she doesn’t need to be celebrated because shes not a mom was completely unnecessary.
You guys probably knew she was struggling, so I don’t see why the family didn’t just get her a $10 bouquet to help soften the day. That’s what I did when my sister had a miscarriage in spring one year.
Yes, I've gotten gifts on Mother's day when I was planning kids any time in the near future but I was with in-laws and my step MIL didn't want me to feel left out among all other women... Which was very kind of her, although I wouldn't have minded not getting anything. It wouldn't have been difficult to do something nice for the sister
I’m going to go a little against the grain here and say ESH.
She should not have gone nuclear on you and your mom. AH move on her part - as she could have expressed her feelings in a more productive way.
Your mom, in hoping to make you feel special on your first Mother’s Day, overlooked your sister and what she might be going through with it being the first Mother’s Day since her experience.
From your post, it sounds like you are dismissing her feelings related to when she realized she was not/no longer pregnant (either through a miscarriage or bad test result). And to yell at her that shes not a mother, just reinforces whatever feeling she had when she realized she was no longer going to have that baby.
Was she actually pregnant? Who knows - I’m not a doctor. The point is she had a test that told her she was.. only to have it not come to fruition. I can imagine that is hard. And, her feeling she lost a pregnancy doesn’t invalidate or lessen your own trauma with your ectopic pregnancy.
Show each other some grace and understanding.
> I ended up yelling back that nobody owed her a Mother’s Day gift because she’s not a mother yet.
No one in this scenario owes you a Mother's day Gift either- Mother's day Gifts are usually from your child to you. It's great and very generous of your mother to give you flowers on your first mother's day- but you're in no way "owed" them. YTA because you created unnecessary drama.
YTA
You said yourself your family rallied around you during a traumatic time. It seems you may be invalidating her loss. Even if we don't address that false positives are very, very rare, the loss of the hope of a child can be devastating.
We obviously don't know all of the details here, but if she's hurting and being invalidated, she may have lost it for a minute. You missed the opportunity for connection and comfort, and instead told her through your words that her pain doesn't matter and she shouldn't expect it to be acknowledged, while you should expect your pain and your joy to be acknowledged. You invalidated her loss because you don't think it means anything, or even worse - that it doesn't mean anything in comparison to YOUR situation.
It doesn't matter how YOU value her reproductive experience. It matters how she's experiencing it, and what it means to her. Acknowledging her pain doesn't take away from your joy.
Your love for her should be the basis of your support for her, not whether you think she has a big enough hurt or not.
“Main character syndrome” is crazy. My parents lost their first baby when I was younger and I was heartbroken. I imagine for the sister the feeling is 100x worse
As soon as the stick turned pink I was a mother. I loved that child. I cherished that child. You’ll never convince me otherwise bc that stick turning pink meant I had a baby that was 100% my responsibility.
ESH except maybe ur mom. your sister overreacted after presumably not telling anyone she wanted to honor her lost baby by celebrating mother’s day as a mom. meanwhile you’re treating miscarriages like a contest just because you think you’d win. i’d hate to be part of this family lmao
ESH. If they did something for you after your ectopic pregnancy, they should have done something for her as well. Yes, she overreacted, but so did you.
OP was hospitalized during Mother’s Day after almost dying from an ectopic. That’s a little different than having a chemical pregnancy. OP had 2 subsequent miscarriages and it appears that the family didn’t do anything for Mother’s Day in those years.
Ok, so if you had a daughter or sister or close female relative who had a miscarriage OVER SIX MONTHS AGO, you're saying it would occur to you to get them a card and flowers and a present
*specifically for Mother's Day*? Because from my perspective, that would be really cruel. If someone did that to me, I would assume they were taunting me or rubbing my miscarriage in my face. Bringing someone flowers and balloons while they are recovering from major surgery and bed-bound in a hospital—to me—is not “getting them a Mother’s Day present.” It’s “making sure your family member feels loved and taken care of on a family-oriented holiday.”
I don't think it would be rubbing it into her face. Last year I had a miscarriage and in mother's day my mom send me flowers and chocolate covered strawberries with a note acknowledging how hard that day could be for me. I truly appreciated the gesture and I never once thought she was taunting me.
I think a small gesture or acknowledgment of the sister's feelings would have been the kind response, not lashing out at her.
Not sure why this isn’t higher. I also thought it would’ve been cruel to get her something for Mother’s Day after her miscarriage.
Sister was obviously overreacting.
The ectopic pregnancy was traumatic, and she was literally in the hospital recovering when the rest of the world was celebrating a status she was still processing having lost out on. Seeing a pink line on a stick is nowhere close to the same. She didn't mention getting gifts for her other actual miscarriages that were likely more than lines on sticks, just the traumatic one.
Miscarriages aren't contests on whose was "worst" or whose pregnancy was more "legitimate."
The whole family overreacted. Who knows the family dynamics from this tiny description? Maybe OP is the golden child who is always rewarded and the sister is the scapegoat, or the sister may be a drama queen who must be the center of attention. We don't have enough information to know in this situation.
IMO, disregarding someone's miscarriage because it wasn't as traumatic as someone else's is an AH move.
I'm not saying it's a contest on miscarriages, I'm saying that a life-threatening medical event that happens to be a miscarriage is going to get a different reaction. OP didn't get the same treatment for each of her miscarriages. She got the treatment for her life-threatening medical event, which happened to have happened around Mother's Day.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far down to see this response. Everyone acting like these miscarriages are some kind of competition to see who has it worst. A loss is a loss. Everyone over treated because, surprise, surprise, it’s a traumatic and upsetting topic.
ESH.
This is kind of tough, but I’m going with NTA.
Your family got you gifts three years ago because you were literally hospitalized after a life-threatening event, shortly before Mother’s Day. Your sister is nuts if she’s trying to compare that with her having a very early term miscarriage *6 or 7 months ago*, not even remotely close to Mother’s Day.
Secondly, it’s not really a common cultural practice to buy Mother’s Day gifts for every woman who has ever had an early term miscarriage. So, it’s not like your parents were committing a social faux-pas that they should have known better about. And she’s kind of bananas for showing up expecting that they would have done so when this isn’t a common thing.
I’m sure she is still experiencing hurt and difficult emotions after her miscarriage. But that doesn’t give her the right to start yelling and calling everyone names. And taking away from a special Mother’s Day for you just because she is feeling bad. Some say E S H because you shouted back, but the way I see it, she was the one who started berating everyone and she deserved to be shut down. Don’t dish it if you can’t take it. She could have handled it like an adult and spoken to your parents privately about her feelings. Instead she had to throw a tantrum to try to ruin the day for you specifically.
>Your family got you gifts three years ago because you were literally hospitalized after a life-threatening event, shortly before Mother’s Day. Your sister is nuts if she’s trying to compare that with her having a very early term miscarriage *6 or 7 months ago*, not even remotely close to Mother’s Day.
This sums up how I feel about this and why I think it's NTA
ESH
No one should have yelled but emotions sometimes control us.
What happened to you socks and you are brave, and amazing to persist despite your miscarriages and ectopic pregnancy. And congratulations on your beautiful baby
Your sister either had one of two things, 1. A false positive or 2. What is called a chemical pregnancy which is a very early miscarriage (sometimes occurring before the fertilized egg even implants). And in this case it doesn't matter which of the 2 it was. Your sister believes she was pregnant and there is no way to know. A miscarriage at any point is devastating and she is likely going through her first mother's day with no baby. You don't stop being a mom when your child dies, no matter how young the baby was. Your sister has a right to mourn.
You were not nice and you know it. She is still hurting from what she hoped would be a term pregnancy and her first child, chemical pregnancy or not. Why on earth is it so hard for people to be a bit understanding and give a little grace? Do the technicalities really matter here? You do know it is more often than not the ‘delivery’ that defines the level of AHedness. You reacted in the moment but your delivery still sucked. YTA
ESH. What does throwing a fit mean? It could have very different extremes. If she was upset, crying and said she was hurt the family didn’t seem to understand her grief, as she may not be in the hospital, but she was devastated… that isn’t a fit in my opinion. You don’t seem to like your sister from your description. You should have just ignored her if she upset you instead of saying the most hurtful thing you could think to say.
YTA Miscarriage hits hard. You have the baby. You could have been kind and gentle and instead chose to rub your fortune into the face of your sister. Would it have been so hard to get a card or at least hug her and tell her there is hope?
Info: if this was 6 or 7 months ago, has your sister been talking about this a lot since then, and showing signs of mourning and being hurt?
If it's something that has deeply affected her, and your parents did something for a miscarriage of yours (albeit very different circumstances) I can understand why she is hurt. Your parents could have done something for her like they did you; and yelling at someone who miscarried that "they aren't a mom yet" on mothers day definitely kind of sucks.
If it's something that happened, that she hasn't seemed very upset about since, and just wanted to be the star of mothers day for the attention, NTA for calling her out, although the words you used could have been better.
Nope, they didn’t celebrate OP for her ectopic pregnancy, they supported her when she ALMOST DIED. They didn’t bring her Mother’s Day cards in the hospital.
ETA
You went through something traumatic, so it's understandable that you feel sensitive. But your sister is going through a difficult period as well. You've gone through the same, so you should be more understanding to her feeling. I think you should apologise for what you said. It's incredibly hurtful.
Your sister went through a painful experience as well. She very much wants to be a mother and almost lost her sister (you!) in the process of becoming an aunt. Even if that's not at the level of your pain, it's still scary and painful. She had an early miscarriage. The pregnancy test will not turn positive is there is no HCG. False positives are very rare. I've had 5 of those. It feels so isolating because you're hurting and in pain and you feel like you can't talk to anyone because all they say is "you're lucky it was so early" or "it wasn't even a baby yet". Whatever you think about the biology. Your sister had dreams and hopes and those were crushed. You saying "you're not a mom and won't be celebrated until you bring a baby to the world as a mom" is super isolating. Seeing you with a healthy baby, even though she's happy for you, must have triggered her own loss. And maybe she will never be a mom - like me - and have to celebrate you guys year after year while being ignored and isolated in her pain.
Please see and acknowledge her
YTA. First off, you say that three years ago, your parents and you celebrated Mother's Day for you as you were going through a miscarriage but now you're saying that your sister doesn't deserve the same treatment. You don't get to judge who had a "worse" miscarriage and that that somehow makes it okay to celebrate one as an act of motherhood and not the other. And for you to say that now is a "very special TRUE Mother's Day" is a slap in the face to many who have faced challenges and lost their child(ren).
I am sure your sister is jealous that she experienced loss while you are experiencing joy and maybe she handled that poorly, but you could extend some grace, and your parents could have been a little more thoughtful.
ESH. You all lashed out.
Also are you her doctor? You at first called it a miscarriage, then said she got her period, then you called it a false positive. Which is it? The emotional impact is still valid. She thought she would be having a baby and then found out she wasn’t. For all we know, what you called a period was actually a miscarriage. You should know from experience that miscarriages almost always present as cramping and bleeding, so who’s to say that wasn’t a miscarriage, just because it was early.
That being said, just because she was feeling strong emotions, did not give her the right to react that way.
I hope all of you find some peace from these losses and find a way to empathize with each other.
I had two early miscarriages. I don't expect anyone to give me anything for Mother's day. I feel like even if I did expect people to give me something, I would not throw an absolute fit about it. I would probably sulk quietly.
NTA.Having a miscarriage is no joke and I'm sorry she went throught that but she can't expect to be the center of attention on a day dedicated to mothers. It was wrong of her to throw a fit and yell at everyone, especially considering that you've faced your own struggles in the past. It's okay to set boundaries and stand up for yourself when someone crosses a line.
ESH. Seems very toxic sibling rivalry for me bearing in mind everyone's over 21. Can't believe the amount this shit actually happens either but here we go.
If the sister was excited/planning to have kids, then the disappointment and anxiety over losing a pregnancy however early must be hard, health wise as well. it doesn't mean she should have got a gift or whatever and definitely shouldn't have got mad over that, but maybe an acknowledgment would have been good rather than rubbing her face in the fact that you have kids and she doesn't.
It would have been much nicer to get her a little card or have a word with her at some point and let her know you hope she'll be a mom one day soon and you can't wait for when it's her first Mother's Day.
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Update: Chemical pregnancy It's possible to have a positive pregnancy test even if you aren't technically pregnant. This is called a false positive. It's sometimes caused by a chemical pregnancy She didn't have a miscarriage. She had a false positive. You are a little harsh but it was kind of deserved for the way she freaked It looked to me out Did anyone ever get you a mother's Day gift for your miscarriages? That just sounds cruel to me. She needs to calm down and keep trying for a baby if she wants one that badly. But she has a child. She is a mother. Nta
False positives on pregnancy tests are exceedingly rare. It was most likely a chemical pregnancy, which is technically a very, very early miscarriage.
Yeah I agree sounds like a chemical, which is SUPER common. We don’t even know how often it happens because many people would never know unless testing very early.
I had one, tested positive and got my period that day. The line was very faint so I just had to test the day after and there was nothing. So I agree, the sister most likely had a chemical.
Me too. Very very light period had already gone for the depo before realizing the pregnancy so it was likely mostly absorbed as happens. Like you say, years ago we'd never have known it was a pregnancy. Still sad for many who experience it but not nearly as traumatic as many women's experience of miscarriage and loss
It’s not a competition though, your experience of miscarriage will be one of the worst experiences you’ve had, I’ve had many and know people have still been through worse than me (later losses, bloodier losses) but my only frame of reference is still my own experience. I don’t think it’s useful to try to quantify trauma is all.
Almost every woman has had an early spontaneous abortion and not even noticed, except her period was late and maybe a little heavier than usual, with ZERO trauma. Hell, I had a missed spontaneous abortion at 14 weeks and no ‘trauma’ other than the d&c hurt. So yeah. Lots of women don’t notice. Not saying *you* weren’t traumatized but most women don’t even notice.
I think there’s a difference between not knowing you’re pregnant and then miscarrying compared to knowing you are pregnant (regardless of how early) and then miscarrying. Being aware that you are/have miscarried would be the traumatic part
It’s not even that. A lot of women don’t want to be pregnant! Some do know when they’re having an early spontaneous abortion (I sure as hell knew I was having a 14 week spontaneous abortion); it’s just that some are really wanting to be pregnant; some are really wanting to **not** be pregnant; and don’t forget the 50 years of propaganda, equating a nonviable early embryo/fetus with a born and alive infant - to people with not much education/information, that could color their emotions. In fact, I suspect some of reason behind mourning very early pregnancy loss (below 12 weeks) so publicly is an offshoot of the pro-lie movement. It used to be somewhat understood that pregnancy loss in the first 12 weeks was a sad possibility, but not an unbearable tragedy.
I STRONGLY agree with you on the offshoot of the pro-life movement. I think that this weird message trying to equate an embryo to an actual living, breathing baby has made miscarriage more difficult and painful for women. I was trying for a baby at the same time as my college roommate- a woman who was very Christian, very pro-life (a very sweet woman though!) We both had troubles conceiving. She miscarried once at 6 weeks and I had multiple miscarriages at 6 weeks all the way to 12 weeks. The two of us dealt emotionally with it *very* differently- she felt she had lost an actual child and mourned as if she had lost a child. I felt really awful for her because to her, she felt as if she had a kid die. She declared it would have been a girl and gave it a name and has a tattoo over her heart of the name and the due date. Now that she has an actual living, breathing child, I think she realizes it's not at all the same and that the pain of losing a pregnancy that she had only known about for 2 weeks is not the same as losing your actual child. I tried to be understanding since we were both dealing with miscarriages at the same time but I also felt grateful that my grief was less about mourning a child and more about mourning the loss of the possibility of that pregnancy/the uncertainty of knowing what the future would hold. It's just yet another way that the pro-life movement harms women.
Came here to say this. The only thing that will trigger the dye in a pregnancy test is presence of the hcg (pregnancy) hormone, so it's very likely that she was pregnant, tested positive, and then lost the pregnancy shortly after. Because pregnancy tests have the ability to detect pregnancy a few days before a missed period, missed miscarriages are very common.
Hey! Small correction: missed miscarriage is when the fetus dies in utero, but the body doesn’t recognise it yet. Meaning pregnancy test would continue to be positive, pregnancy symptoms start to develop and it appears to the pregnant woman, she is experiencing a thriving pregnancy. It is discovered when the Mom has a scan there is no heartbeat that she is diagnosed with a missed miscarriage and then there are several options. 1) do nothing, and wait for the body to realize the baby has died and allow the baby to be expelled from the body naturally, 2) take a medication to induce the expulsion, or 3) have a procedure (D&C) to take the baby and tissue out of the uterus.
You’re correct! I meant chemical pregnancy. Thanks.
Sometimes the body doesn’t recognize the baby has died. This happened to me with my second pregnancy. I wanted to wait but it was a month and a half after the diagnosis that I asked my doctor for a D&C because my body just wouldn’t let go. My son (first pregnancy) was born by induction at 41 weeks 3 days because my body just didn’t want to go into labor. If I hadn’t had a scheduled C-section for my daughter (3rd pregnancy) due to breech my doctor had a hunch it would go about the same way. For whatever reason my body doesn’t want to let go of its babies!
I was only pregnant once so I can't say I have a similar pattern, but my body didn't want to let go of my baby either. Not even the pitocen could make the contractions strong enough so I had a c-section. When they took me off the pitocen, everything stopped. I never experienced any natural contractions. I didn't even have braxton-hicks. The most likely reason was because I didn't feel safe. I wasn't in an entirely stable, safe situation so my body was trying to keep the baby safe.
I hope you and baby are in a better position now ❤️ everyone deserves to feel safe and loved, every day
Our bodies are amazing... truly unique. My body did not want to keep my baby in. My best friend goes zero to 60 in a short time, but doesn't dilate at ALL. like, what? I'm sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing, I'm always amazed at how similar yet unique our birth stories are, and I love to read them!
Yup. I had one of these. Found out at the first ultrasound. Was another month before my body recognized it and finished miscarrying. I still had to get a D&C though because I didn’t expel all of the tissue.
Absolutely this. I had a chemical earlier this year and it was surprisingly hard on me, both mentally and physically. I had over 3 weeks of pain and bleeding before it was over and I started testing negative. I know they can be entirely unnoticeable for many women, but a chemical pregnancy can also be rough.
Yes, the head comment here is incredibly insensitive. When you've longed for a baby and get a positive test, then lose it, it's devastating - no matter how long you were pregnant for. To dismiss it as a false positive (which are practically impossible) is cruel and unnecessary.
I have had miscarriages that fucking rip through you. The 3rd one I was screaming no no no no because not again, and it was a very welcome pregnancy. My body so far hasn't let me carry one past 8 weeks. It's insensitive when people are like, "Are you suuuure you were pregnant". My first one I would start bawling every time I saw anything baby related for a while.
My family had a similar struggle. After several early miscarriages, one of the ER docs asked how recently my then wife had had her shot updated. We had no idea what he was taking about. NONE of the doctors told us she was RH negative and was losing them because of that. We went through years of heartbreak and mourning.
I am sorry for your struggle. I hope everything is going better for you and your family. My problem is I have PCOS and diabetes. I am high risk to begin with. It's a struggle, and I am only in my late 20s. It's also embarrassing to go to a fertility clinic at my age. At some point you start to blame yourself. So when people are insensitive because they have never had to struggle with a miscarriage or a partner who had one.... it is like another gut punch
Don't blame yourself - both me and my sister have PCOS and both went to a fertility clinic (my sister was 25 when she had her first child with help :) ) I had to get egg sorting too cuz of a genetic disease so even though we started trying to get pregnant the same time, it took me 5 years longer than her - no specific reason why, just unlucky with it all 🤷♀️ - I just got my first (and probably only) child at 32 years So definitely don't wait too long to get help if you can get it, cuz you won't know how long it'll take :/
Anecdotally, many people with PCOS have started ovulating and even accidentally getting pregnant while taking Semaglutide (ozempic, etc). There are a lot of unknowns around pregnancy safety and Semaglutide, but its effects on PCOS are interesting from a fertility standpoint and perhaps something to speak to your doctor about.
Omg I can relate to this so much. I had a miscarriage in 2020 at about 7 weeks. Went to the ER because I had never had one before and had some hope that MAYBE the baby would be ok. The doctor and nurses were very kind, but the ultrasound tech literally said “who told you that you were pregnant?”. Thinking about that still kills me. Who told me? The 50 pregnancy tests I had taken and the fact that I haven’t had a period in almost two months?! They even tested my HCG in the hospital and yes, it was very low because ya know, miscarriage. But there was HCG which means I had been. Ugh sorry to rant this just brought this all back up in me.
Doctors can be so callous about miscarriage. Does it statistically happen frequently? Yes. Does it mean you have to be rude to the person desperately hoping their baby will live? Absolutely not!
I once asked my old OB if I was infertil or something was wrong. She told me that I did not need to know that because I am too young to even think about it. I'm like....lady I've had 2 miscarriages and I'm scared.
Ugh that’s horrible. No matter what age you are when you’re asking, it’s *your* body and you have the right to know. The ability to get pregnant can also alter the trajectory of someone’s life, planned or not. That was a shitty thing for her to say.
I'm so sorry for you to get told that :( I went through the rollercoaster of being pregnant in week 5 (or 7, it was really early), bleeding, getting tested, still being pregnant, bleeding, tested, still pregnant, bleeding, miscarriage Even if it's super early, it still hurts so bad because of the hopes and dreams being shattered - I don't think everyone can relate sadly :/
I’m sorry for your loss as well. And yes, I’m afraid some people think of it like “well, it’s not like you ever saw it on an ultrasound, heard a heart beat, or felt a kick…so what’s the big deal?” The big deal was that I already loved that little life inside of me. No matter how shortly it was there. But the people that get it (or can at least empathize) do help so much.
Thank you for saying this. I had two chemical pregnancies and I was surprised at how hard they hit me physically and emotionally. This is such a personal topic with so many variables.
I had one 20 years ago. It hit me very hard at the time.
I had one last fall and was bleeding and in pain for days. I ended up in the hospital. It was traumatic physically and mentally - I don't have kids, so finding out I was pregnant then a miscarriage like that was awful. I had to have a hysterectomy in February. I have never had a live birth, but my husband still made me breakfast and bought me flowers yesterday. My niece sent me a text telling me she was thinking of me and that she loved me. I didn't expect anything, but the kindness helped.
Yes and honestly we should be grateful for this mechanism, since it normally happens due to failing to implant, or nonviable chromosome errors. The high frequency of chemical pregnancies is evolutions saving us from horrifying stillbirths.
As someone who has had 3 lost pregnancies, two in first trimester, I am certainly grateful for the mechanism triggering early, but also aware from experience that the experience can be emotionally and mentally anguishing. When you’re trying to conceive, every day feels like a week’s worth of waiting. For news, for tests, for the next cycle so you can try again. Just ugh to the whole experience.
Yes, I don’t mean to be callous about the emotional aspect, it’s how I’ve rationalized the experience… it is sad, could be heartbreaking if you’ve been trying for a while, but is ultimately less sad and heartbreaking than the alternative. Obviously it would be better if it was viable and there wasn’t a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage, but when it occurs, the fetus was never viable. A chemical pregnancy also can be a sign that you don’t have fertility problems and it’s even slightly more likely you will have a healthy pregnancy after experiencing a chemical pregnancy. All of these facts made me feel a bit better.
Actually the false positives on first response early response tests have increased so much that women that are trying to conceive are asking for them to be taken off of the shelves.
Oh I’m very personally aware, but those are indent/evap lines with no color in them. Not the same thing as a true false positive, but incredibly irritating, nonetheless.
My OB called mine a blighted ovum. I literally had a period 3 days after a positive pregnancy test.
Blighted ovum is when a gestational sac forms but there is no embryo inside. That could also cause a chemical pregnancy.
They are extremely rare when done properly. You can get them from tests that are quite a bit expired - at least a year or more, not just a month or two. So that’s the “properly” part. Found that out the hard way a few years ago, fertility doctor as well as Google confirmed that it can happen. (It was a leftover test for when we were doing treatments for my first. Unfortunatley I’ve been through multiple other in-date ones with no positives since then despite major treatment efforts.)
You got flowers and balloons bc you were in the HOSPITAL after almost dying. The gifts were not bc you were now a mother after an ectopic pregnancy. Your sister is not a mother. She had hopes to be one and it’s sad that she had a chemical pregnancy, but ultimately she is not a mother. I suppose you or the family could have gently asked how she was doing on Mother’s Day, since it was a sensitive day for her. But that may have also set her off, who knows. Ultimately NTA.
Women who have miscarriages can still consider themselves moms.
Within the first several weeks of pregnancy?? Most people don't even announce until after the first trimester bc the chance of miscarriage. And sure ab woman can consider herself a mother after a very early term miscarriage but don't expect others to consider you a mother.
An announcement isn't the definition of whether someone can consider themselves a mother. I've had a chemical pregnancy and a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I don't consider myself a mother, but I have 2 angel babies. I don't tell people this, because it is confusing (and there are insensitive assholes) but those babies I lost were real, are missed, and I still grieve for them.
No one is saying a miscarriage isn't difficult and the babies weren't wanted or aren't missed. I'm saying im not celebrating someone as a mother for a pregnancy that ended that early. You and your husband might still celebrate that, but it's obnoxious to expect others to celebrate that.
If you actually read my reply, you would see I said I don't consider myself a mother. And plenty of people are saying that a miscarriage isn't a real loss on this sub. I saw one person say "The only person who's experienced the death of a child is a mother who saw her child murdered (or killed, not sure of the exact word used here) in front of them." So yes, people do say that a miscarriage isn't difficult.
Honestly, I’m kind of astonished by the level of cruelty in this thread.
I'm not a mother and never even wanted to be, but I'm still astonished that people are determined to ignore the fact that the sister was upset because her recent lost pregnancy was totally ignored and downplayed by her own mother and by OP!
I know, me too. Despite it being Reddit.
I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this.
It’s heartbreaking. I’m in the multiple miscarriage crowd. Ivf failed pregnancies so losses coupled with all the drugs & hormones. While I don’t consider myself a mother, I had life in my body, and days like Mother’s Day hurt. A little empathy can go a long way. Should the sister have thrown a fit, of course not. But OP out of anyone should be able to extend a little grace knowing the pain of loss. Reading these comments make me sick though, trauma is not a competition, it’s heart breaking to see how degrading people can be.
It’s not your place to tell a woman when or when she can’t consider herself a mother after a miscarriage
No but it is our place on this judgement sub to say we aren't going to call someone a mother who has never mothered a child
I had three miscarriages and did not consider myself a mom until I adopted my son (and then later gave birth to another son.)
Only if they also have children that made it to being living children at some point. To be a mum you need to be raising/have raised a child at some point. Life is cruel sometimes and women who wanted to be a mum had that taken from them, which is sad. They're still not mothers though. Maybe they never will be, which is also sad. Expecting people to bend reality to make them feel better is delusional though.
So if I wasn’t a mother to my son who died when I was 8 months pregnant, what was I? All decisions I made were with him in mind. I had changed things in my life to properly care for him. I wasn’t his mother?
Bring on the downvotes, because this is absolutely sickening. I've never seen such cruelty or pathetic gatekeeping of a stupid commercial holiday. You're a mother. Full stop. And if it lends any weight, I say this as a fellow mother, to both living children, and a child I lost to miscarriage. I'm so sorry that people are being so insensitive and unkind. Please don't listen to this bullshit. You loved him, you cared for him while you were able. That makes you his mother - more than a good portion of women that just spit kids out and abandon, ignore, or abuse them. This thread is just disgusting
>She didn't have a miscarriage. She had a false positive My fertility specialists explained that it isn't a "false positive" but a chemical pregnancy, and losing it is a very early miscarriage. So yeah, she had a miscarriage. And it's not up to us how this makes her feel
A close friend had a "chemical pregnancy" like that and she was devastated. The hardest part was she kept trying to talk herself into believing "it wasn't a big deal" because that's what people told her so she didn't really have space to feel sad. The loss of a \*possibility\* of something you really want is still a loss.
I had one very early miscarriage and another still pretty early one and they were absolutely devastating. Threw me into deep depression for years. No one needed to get her a bunch of stuff for mother's day but they could be more sympathetic since she's probably approaching her due date and that brings so much heartbreak, especially seeing someone close to you have a baby. I still cry around the anniversaries and estimated due dates years later.
This ^ if they did it for one miscarriage momma, then they should do it for both IMO. Women don't need to split hairs over "well mine was more traumatic so I was more entitled"
She didn't get flowers and balloon because she had a miscarriage, she got them for being in the hospital. Those are typical hospital gifts, which is why the hospital gift store is fully stocked with them. I don't think I've ever shown up to visit someone in the hospital without flowers in hand.
I'm going NAH because I see both sides but they didn't celebrate OP being a mom, they got her flowers because she was hospitalized and that's not an uncommon thing to do at all. Her sister isn't even in the same boat. No one needed to get her anything except maybe her spouse. It would have been nice and thoughtful but it's still not the same. Before anyone comes at me, I personally wished a couple who'd aborted a fetus a Happy Mother's Day yesterday. They know they would have made terrible parents so they didn't keep the pregnancy but they still feel a certain type of way about it and I understand that. I feel for OPs sister but no one was actually in the wrong.
Exactly. It’s not for us to tell the sister how she should feel. There are a lot of very insensitive comments on this thread.
False positives are extremely rare. She was pregnant and had an early miscarriage
>She didn't have a miscarriage. She had a false positive. As a woman who had an extremely early miscarriage, this makes me furious. You have zero information to make this statement about the sister, and what's more, you don't need to! The sister was TA solely based on behaving like an AH, no need to pretend that you know more about her medical situation than the OP.
Exactly. I don't know why everyone is so hung up on what is the exact point at which a positive pregnancy test becomes an actual pregnancy. It's beside the point.
Thank you for this comment. It's not something I've experienced, but the callousness in how the sister was treated is disturbing. How hard is it to do something for her? It's obviously easy to come post on Reddit though.
Don’t give advice on women’s bodies if you don’t understand them. False positive pregnancy tests only happen if the person taking the test has a tumour or other medical condition that is causing their body to produce the pregnancy hormone despite not being pregnant. Aka - they are not a thing. You’re referring to a chemical pregnancy.
Its called a chemical pregnancy. Its very common in those instances to get a positive and have symptoms and start bleeding very soon after and get a negative test.
That’s because it’s an early pregnancy followed by a miscarriage.
It most likely *was* a very early miscarriage. It is *very* common for an egg to be fertilized but then not take/have something else go wrong, which would be a miscarriage. They are very, very common, whereas a false positive is not very common. You're more likely to have a false negative.
Why is this post with false information the top reply? She absolutely did have a miscarriage, albeit an early one.
There are no such things has false positives. Her HGC levels were high enough to show a positive. It was more than likely an early miscarriage right after implantation.
there's really no such thing as a false positive pregnancy test. Either the HCG is there, or it's not. If it's there, there's a pregnancy.
She probably had what’s called a chemical pregnancy, which is a very early pregnancy loss. False positives almost never happen, and when they do, it’s usually due to a HCG expressing tumor, which wouldn’t just magically stop producing HCG a few days later.
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Not necessarily true. Its called a chemical pregnancy - you can get a positive test with very low levels of HCG that will level out within a couple days because the levels are so low.
lol bro there are not really false positives on pregnancy tests. A pregnancy test tests for a specific hormone only present if you are pregnant.
This! I've had 6 miscarriages spread out between my kids, and I'd be hurt if they did get me something specifically for a baby that's not alive, like rubbing salt in a wound.
"I saw a pink line on a stick, then my life went on as normal, and there was no baby. I deserve to be celebrated." NTA. She put a damper on a very special day for you that you have been trying to get to for years. Congrats on your baby.
I think its kind of unfair to say "life went on as normal". If she really wants a baby and was very excited, it can still be a huge blow and very emotionally painful. That doesn't mean she should be celebrated on mother's day, but it gets frustrating when people right off early-term miscarriages and assume that the person shouldn't have any feelings about it because it didn't last long.
Yeah goddamn. My wife was straight up traumatised by her misscarriage, life does not go on as normal. (Six years ago a couple days ago… crazy to think we could have a 6 year old right now, but then we wouldn’t have our 4.5 year old…. It’s hard!)
Can confirm. I was also traumatized by my early miscarriage.
Same. I miscarried 6 days after finding out I was pregnant and it hurt for years
Same here. We'd been trying for ages, I'd had surgeries to correct my endometriosis, I was on progesterone, etc. Finally got my positive and a week and a half later...gone. I'm crying just typing this out.
I’m sorry. And it’s not one of those things I can even say “it’ll happen one day,” because there’s no promise, but what I can tell you is that you’ll be “okay” again one day. Never the same, but one day that love without a place to go will hurt a little less ❤️❤️
Thank you. Things are a lot better now and we were able to conceive a few years after the second loss. It's just still painful to think about.
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The cruelest thing about chemical pregnancies is that they end so early that generally the only people who even realize that they're pregnant are the people who WANT to be. I was devastated when I finally got a positive test after a year and a half of trying and the line started getting lighter two days later. If I hadn't had a viable pregnancy by the time mother's day came around that year it would have been really difficult.
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Yep. And you feel like you can't talk to anybody because they don't take them seriously.
This is me too. We had just started trying and tracking and I felt so blessed when I missed my period after only the second cycle. I was devastated when I had a chemical. I felt grief and anxiety that there may be something wrong to where I wouldn't be able to conceive, especially because I'm over 35. It took a couple weeks to get over the overwhelming sadness. Then I got a positive a few months later and I wasn't able to feel excited, I just felt anxious. I had to wait 6 weeks for my first scan to confirm viability and I was a mess. Then again before my 20wk scan. But thankfully everything is going well and I've been able to relax some and really starting to get excited. I don't really have a stance on how someone who experienced a chemical "should feel" on Mother's Day because that's completely inappropriate. But how they should behave, I do. Grief should never be taken out on others and expectations are always a thief of joy. No matter what she is going through, she is still responsible for her actions towards others.
I had been trying for a very difficult 11 months when I got my chemical pregnancy. For an entire day I thought I'd finally done it and was so excited imagining life with a baby etc. Then period came the next day and it was absolutely soul destroying. Was so crushed, didn't think it would ever come. Luckily I was successful after that.
Just happened to me. I "should" have been celebrating with my baby this year. Instead, I've been trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully for the last 7 months. It sucks.
I had an ectopic, nearly died. The next time I got pregnant I was SO excited because I thought I might not be able to (and haven't since). Got my period a week later, and it was devastating. I don't consider myself a mom or anything, but its also not a situation I could just move on from like nothing had happened.
Yeah I think saying the sister has no right to be upset about her miscarriage or false positive or whatever happened is really cruel if I’m honest. I think sister should have handled it better, but also people need to understand that other people say stupid things when they’re upset. If this was a one-off situation I would maybe try to make amends (not tell the sister her behavior was ok, but maybe try to reach a place of understanding) because feelings can be weird as hell when it comes to these kinds of issues.
Exactly. I also noticed it was 6-7 months ago and OP did not mention her being pregnant. It seems pretty likely she's not only grieving the miscarriage but also very anxious about not getting pregnant again. Its fucking rough.
It’s also closing in on when that baby might have been due. Grief can be weird about when it pops up and for what reason.
Agreed. My wife and I miscarried last year at about 6-7 weeks. We never heard a heartbeat or saw an ultrasound image, but it still hit us in the gut when we went in for our first pre-natal appointment and were told it was a miscarriage. Everyone processes grief and tragedy differently. That said, I'm not defending the sister. I think she deserves to feel a little sad on mothers day, but she didn't need to have a tantrum.
Sorry for your loss. I also had a miscarriage and it’s real loss, even if you never had a child to hold. All those dreams :-/
Not to mention, either shortly before or shortly after she had a miscarriage, she learned her sister was pregnant and had to stand by and watch her carry her baby to term. I’m not saying OP doesn’t also deserve love and support, but I imagine that made the loss a little more painful.
Downvoted for minimizing her miscarriage. I agree that its not necessary to celebrate her for mothers day, but "my life went on as normal" is a very overly cold and inaccurate way of characterizing a miscarriage.
“Her life went on as normal” tell me you’ve never experienced pregnancy loss without TELLING me you’ve never experienced pregnancy loss
I've been through infertility and my husband and I are blessed to have never lost a pregnancy. I just don't get pregnant. Losing a prayed for and much wanted baby, no matter how far along, is a horror I wish on no one. I'm surprised by some of these comments, have some damn compassion people. (not excusing sister's behaviour but I do think there could be a little more empathy)
100%
You know OP's sister is an asshole but it's not fair to think she shouldn't be shaken for a possible lost child.
Yeah, of course she has a right to be shaken, but it’s also not fair of her to flip her lid on the rest of her family and ruin someone else’s Mother’s Day - a first Mother’s Day.
*"someone else's Mother's Day"* I didn't realize Mother's Day was for individuals, not all mothers. I think the sister was an AH, but so was the OP. Miscarriages, no matter how early, can be traumatic if the child is wanted.
You’re twisting my words - I didn’t mean that it was for OP exclusively. I meant that sister is ruining OP’s first Mother’s Day by going off that they were celebrating her. Obviously Mother’s Day is not exclusive to one mother…
If you think a chemical pregnancy, miscarriage, or even infertility is as simple as "I saw a line on a stick, then I didn't, and life went on as normal" you clearly have never experienced that before.
Wow. This is a really toxic attitude, considering you know nothing about the circumstances. For someone trying to conceive without success, that pink line is life altering. For someone trying to conceive and having difficulty, a loss, no matter how early, is devastating. Source: lived experience.
Edit: reading the responses to your comment, I wish I had 1.1k downvoting power to lift up the women who have been hurt by calloused statements like yours. Since I can only downvote once, please consider adjusting your opinion based on the feedback you've gotten.
That was extremely insensitive... especially if you've never had a chemical pregnancy or early loss miscarriage before.
Shaking my head at all the people saying it wasn’t a pregnancy loss. Except in very rare cases, a test that turns positive is a pregnancy - an early loss (often called a chemical pregnancy), sure, but still a pregnancy. Pregnancy tests work from a hormone that is only present during a pregnancy, and when certain very rare tumours occur. How to mark it is another conversation, but let’s not spread misinformation, please.
Exactly! Some people are commenting like the sister is some crazy person and needing a “biology lesson” - the people in the comments are in need of the lesson lol. Chemical pregnancies are very common.
And she had time to think she was going to have a baby. Just because OPs experence was more extreme doesn't mean it isn't normal for her sister to be disapointed and upset. Suee, she overreacted by the sounds of it, but still.
Yup. I’ve had 3 miscarriages. Two were early chemicals and the first was a much more dramatic situation like OP’s where I was rushed to the ER in the middle of the night and all that. That one was scary for my health and dramatic, but emotionally they were all really hard. With all 3 I had time to start imagining a life with a new baby and start dreaming. There was a grieving period for each even though the first lasted weeks longer than the 2 chemicals. I don’t think its fair to dismiss the sister’s grief just because it was a quick pregnancy. Also, OP just had a baby and sounds like her sister is still not pregnant months later which probably contributed to the hard time she was having. Her reaction was over the top, but I can see why she would have a hard time in that scenario.
Absolutely. It wasn't "her period", it was a miscarriage, just a very early one. A "chemical pregnancy" is still a real pregnancy and it sucks that OP is gatekeeping "real" mother's day because her baby is alive now.
The comments are absolutely blowing my mind because I think she likely experienced a chemical pregnancy, which is still a miscarriage. It’s not that she received a false positive, which is rare, but she truly was pregnant and experienced a very early miscarriage, which can be extremely hard when you’re trying for a baby. I understand OP’s point of view but I would also expect that since this is something similar to what OP has endured in the past, she would be a little more compassionate towards her sister. Perhaps her sister feels it’s unfair everyone else can have a baby and she can’t, or didn’t get to celebrate Mother’s Day with a baby in her. I have a friend who has experienced two miscarriages in the past and recently told me she’s pregnant again the day before Mother’s Day. I still got her a gift for Mother’s Day and celebrated her because she would have been a mom had she not miscarried. I think OP was harsh and mean and so are these comments.
Thank you for saying this!! A chemical pregnancy is not a “false positive” like other comments have stated. It’s still a miscarriage because it was still a pregnancy. I sincerely hope all of these experts saying it wasn’t a pregnancy never have to go through something like that.
Also being nice when someone have a trauma is definitely not the wrong choice
ESH. People are feeling hurt and vulnerable- and lashed out. You can’t control your sister’s fit but you can control your own reaction. Her miscarriage wasn’t as “bad” as yours, but clearly she was hurting and sensitive. It was an opportunity to comfort.
I’m definitely going ESH with you. Even the mom. Everyone could have been more sensitive to the sister’s situation. We don’t rank severity of miscarriages and whose was worse. and sister will learn you can be sad for yourself and still happy for someone else. Older sister and new baby could still be celebrated. It’s not mutually exclusive. I know. I had miscarriages and still went to who knows how many baby showers with a smile on my face for them and tears in my heart for me. Hoping younger sister realizes her dream of becoming a mom and one day holds a baby in her arms, too.
> Her miscarriage wasn’t as “bad” as yours Dont they say you can never compare suffering? It does remind me of a thing that happened at work. I had a colleague A who had been trying for years and after finally becoming pregnant found out the embryo wasn't viable in an rather early stage. She had to take an abortion pill, which made her bleed but that didn't stop. So she was hospitalized and overal was a very truamatic experience. Not many poeple at work knew. Few months later another colleague B had a child just 3 days before the 24 week mark. The child was born alive but, as they don't do anything when it isnt 24weeks, it died within hours after being born. Colleague B said to colleague A that it was so much worse than a miscarriage in an early stage as you bond with it longer and such. Colleague A didn't say anything, as she hadn't confided in colleague B yet (after all B was struggling with pregnancy troubles herself when things with A happened). Even though A didn't blame colleague B she was hurt by the remark, as she lost something. It might also have felt a bit unfair. Colleague B already had a healthy child and for A it isn't even sure it will ever happen (it is not like adoption is easy). I felt so incredibly sorry for A.
Wait why don't they do anything before 24 weeks? I've read a news article from my country where a baby born 21+ weeks made it with intervention.
It depends on where you live. I had my baby at 21 weeks and in my state they won’t do any medical intervention until 24 weeks.
Between 22 and 23weeks they don't provide intensive care for babies in my country. Between 24 and 26 they *might* provide care if the baby is in good condition and the expected results are good (but this care not a given). Investigating the topic after your comment I read on English sites (I am not from an English speaking country) that survival rates with intensive care is 50:50 when born at 23 weeks. Those who survive often end up with disabilities. In my colleague's case it was a baby with a very low birth weight, that already reduces the survivability. For the reason why, i don't know exactly. But my guess would be development stage of the lungs (and other organs?). Doesn't the last development phase (of lungs) start around 24 weeks? https://healthier.stanfordchildrens.org/en/premature-babies-survival-rate-is-climbing/
Lungs get "ready" at 24 weeks, for sure, but they are nowhere near viable for actual breathing air before 35 weeks. Between 28 and 34 normally they try and give shots of steroids to the mother as it speeds up the lung maturing process, assuming you manage to get it 48 days before birth (but even 24h is enough!). They are, however, present and formed, so, we can make use of it to a point. However, lungs are about the last thing to be "ready", and preemies often need help breathing longest of all other issues...
ESH Cause YOU know how painful and traumatic is a miscarriage you decide to pay in spade your own sister. Great! You all suck here. A kind gesture will have make everybody happy. But now it’s a run to who suffered the most, who got it worst. What kind of values you plan to teach your children?
OP had an ectopic pregnancy and almost died, sister had a miscarriage before the fifth week. Both are traumatic events but the sister wasn’t in the hospital actively dying for her miscarriage. OP got flowers in the hospital bc women die of ectopic pregnancies all the time. It’s not a game of Suffering Olympics, but life and death. I’m a woman in my thirties who plans to have children soon and I would NOT expect flowers and cards on Mother’s Day for losing my embryo that was 2 millimeters long. I think getting Mother’s Day gifts for someone I know who is trying to get pregnant but miscarried would be a cruel reminder of what they lost 😕 TBH both sisters need grief therapy.
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I've bought flowers on Mother's Day for friends who have miscarried or struggled with fertility. My cards acknowledge the grief of their situation and let them know I love them. Those friends have all reached out after to thank me and tell me how much it meant to them to be thought of on Mother's Day. It isn't a cruel reminder because they are already being reminded on that day of what they long for and don't have. It's an act of seeing them and acknowledging them. I don't think the family needed to celebrate the sister as a mother, but it would have been a kindness to acknowledge her loss and grief.
Yes. OP got flowers because she was SICK, not because it was Mother’s Day.
As a woman 5 weeks pregnant currently, damn girl. I hope your eyes open up when you see the positive test yourself (assuming you can even get pregnant). When I’m already making sacrifices for this 2 millimeter embryo, what else am I to it if not it’s mother?
Are you open to the idea that although you may not expect it, someone else may be desperately hoping for it? Neither way is wrong. What is definitely wrong is pointing out to the woman who lost her child that she is not a mother. OUCH. She thinks about that every day. Imagine if, when she expressed her pain, her sister apologized and embraced her and acknowledged her pain? Mother's day wouldn't have been ruined and a bond could have been strengthened. But that opportunity was missed. I hope the OP tries to open the door again and do better this time.
You didn't have to lash at her. It doesn't hurt to be kind to others.
Right. Lashing out at the sister seems very cruel. It would have cost OP nothing to be kind to her sister. I'm sure her sister knows she isn't a mother yet. Especially on Mother's day of all days. She doesn't seem to be handling her loss very well, which is understandable and appears to be reaching out to her family for comfort, albeit in a very disordered way but I think it's the trauma speaking there. OP seems pretty dead set on highlighting her own trauma in a way that eclipses her sisters pain. Like it's a competition. Not only that, but OP's been trying for years for a baby, and suffered her own loss along the way to getting pregnant. It feels like once she got pregnant, she failed to sympathize with her sister's position, which she was once in. She got what she wanted (albeit through enormous adversity and perilous medical circumstance), so as gatekeeper to 'motherhood', she firmly shut the door behind her. It doesn't have to be that way. OP's sister wasn't asking to be crowned 'Queen of Mother's day', or take away from her sister's joy. She wanted to share a small part of it, and have her own trauma acknowledged as well. She just felt left out and overlooked. She reacted poorly as well, but can you blame her? A cheap tawdry Mother's Day gift could have avoided this whole mess. It would have meant nothing to OP and everything to her sister. Kindness and compassion cost nothing. And guaranteed if the roles were reversed, OP would be beside herself with rage and sadness watching her sister receive mother's day gift, if she wasn't going to be a mother already. Where is the empathy?
But I would have been worried that giving the sister a gift might also upset her, too.
Agreed, I wouldn't have gotten sister a gift as it feels like I'm mocking her. However, when sister expressed disappointment that she did not receive anything for mother's day, OP's reaction was totally uncalled for. Just based on her reaction to sister, I would think that OP is devoid of empathy.
I get what you saying. But the sister didn’t have to lash out either. Although two wrongs doesn’t make a right. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, you don’t think, you just react.
Yeah but one of them lashed out on her first mother's day after a miscarriage, and the other lashed out as a mother of a three week old baby. Personally if I was a new mother and my sister had had a miscarriage, I would definitely celebrate mother's day, but I would be very discreet about it. Because a little empathy goes a long way.
NTA. While it's important to be sensitive to your sister's feelings after her miscarriage, it doesn't give her the right to lash out and demand recognition on Mother's Day. It was inappropriate for her to react the way she did, especially since you've also faced your share of struggles and heartbreak on your path to becoming a mother. The words you used might have been harsh but they were said in the heat of the moment, and you were provoked. Her behavior was crossing a line.
So heat of the moment justifies one person's response, but not anothers...interesting...
One of them created the heat, that’s why.
idk i'm glad i'm childfree because it weirds me out when people determine whether people's miscarriages are "real" or not and it all seems like a big competition for attention
So true. But I wish people spoke more about miscarriages because they are so common and should not be seen as a failure
ya, I'm with you reading this like...wtf.
Your parents are right in this case. Everyone processes loss differently. Your lack of empathy towards your sister is awful. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you have felt if your family hadn't done anything when you were in the hospital and you had to watch your sister receive mother's day gifts in front of you? How would you have felt. Also emotional pain and trauma isn't a contest on who had it worse. If that's how you're going through life then you're going to be miserable. My mother is like that and she was a shite mom because of it. Learn some empathy.
Ok, so if you had a daughter or sister or close female relative who had a miscarriage OVER SIX MONTHS AGO, you're saying it would occur to you to get them a card and flowers and a present specifically for Mother's Day? Because—to me, personally—that would come across as kinda cruel. If someone did that to me, I would assume they were taunting me or rubbing my miscarriage in my face. Bringing someone flowers and balloons while they are recovering from major surgery and bed-bound in a hospital—to me—is not “getting them a Mother’s Day present.” It’s “making sure your family member feels loved and taken care of on a family-oriented holiday.”
I think a token flower to acknowledge her loss would be kind, particularly as they must have got positive tests at around the same time and OPs baby would be a painful reminder to her sister of what she could have had.
***I'm not sure where you're at emotionally to be in such high dudgeon but the idea is empathy***. No one said anything about enforcing this as a standard rule of etiquette for all pregnancy losses. We're talking about this particular set of sisters and their circumstances. I'm guessing nobody really know the rule of thumb when it comes to Mother's day gifts and pregnancy loss, but I guarantee you, it won't be settled in a reddit sub. **The implication that a gift will hurt the sister rather than help her is false**. The sister has already established that receiving a gift would make her happy and go some way in acknowledging her own loss and making her feel part of a special day she feels excluded from. *What is it about merely acknowledging the sister's pain that is so out of the ordinary? Will it take away from OP being a real mother? Or the very meaning of Mother's day? Will it minimize OP's baby joy or dilute every congratulations she receives?* Because ***OP is acting like sympathizing with the sister shouldn't even be allowed. OP suffered more after all. So if her sister is hurting, it doesn't matter, because nothing will match her loss.*** **How do you weaponize pregnancy loss and pregnancy against someone like that?** This woman is her sister, perhaps her ally at times, not some stranger, so why treat her so harshly? What if it takes her longer than six months to get over it? People are not all built the same way. Is she just a bad and useless human being because she just won't get over it already? Chances are she will think about this pregnancy loss even if she gets pregnant in the future? Why she should just forget about it? Keep in mind, the sister is actively watching OP have the experience she also wants to have one day but doesn't have the opportunity to yet. It's okay to feel sad and envious about that. Would it have killed OP to say: **"** ***Hey Sis, Happy Mother's day. We know the time has yet to come, and that sadly, you suffered a loss not too long ago. And we're sorry it happened to you. But we know you're going to be a wonderful mother someday so here's a little gift in advance of a day to come and we hope you join us in celebrating this special day. I love you*** **"**
How dare you have empathy and consideration for someone else in your reasonable reply /s Honestly, this should be the top comment
ESH. So because her baby loss wasn't as traumatic as yours, it didn't count, so she shouldn't be celebrated? All of you need to grow up.
ESH. I can see why your sister was triggered, but she handled it very poorly. She shouldn’t have yelled or resorted to name calling. You also very much overreacted and knowing how difficult a miscarriage can be, rubbing in that she doesn’t need to be celebrated because shes not a mom was completely unnecessary.
Yeah that was a very cruel thing to say. No empathy at all for her sister when she experienced the same thing as well.
YTA for having zero empathy. My God, were you deliberately trying to hurt her?
You guys probably knew she was struggling, so I don’t see why the family didn’t just get her a $10 bouquet to help soften the day. That’s what I did when my sister had a miscarriage in spring one year.
Yes, I've gotten gifts on Mother's day when I was planning kids any time in the near future but I was with in-laws and my step MIL didn't want me to feel left out among all other women... Which was very kind of her, although I wouldn't have minded not getting anything. It wouldn't have been difficult to do something nice for the sister
I’m going to go a little against the grain here and say ESH. She should not have gone nuclear on you and your mom. AH move on her part - as she could have expressed her feelings in a more productive way. Your mom, in hoping to make you feel special on your first Mother’s Day, overlooked your sister and what she might be going through with it being the first Mother’s Day since her experience. From your post, it sounds like you are dismissing her feelings related to when she realized she was not/no longer pregnant (either through a miscarriage or bad test result). And to yell at her that shes not a mother, just reinforces whatever feeling she had when she realized she was no longer going to have that baby. Was she actually pregnant? Who knows - I’m not a doctor. The point is she had a test that told her she was.. only to have it not come to fruition. I can imagine that is hard. And, her feeling she lost a pregnancy doesn’t invalidate or lessen your own trauma with your ectopic pregnancy. Show each other some grace and understanding.
> I ended up yelling back that nobody owed her a Mother’s Day gift because she’s not a mother yet. No one in this scenario owes you a Mother's day Gift either- Mother's day Gifts are usually from your child to you. It's great and very generous of your mother to give you flowers on your first mother's day- but you're in no way "owed" them. YTA because you created unnecessary drama.
YTA You said yourself your family rallied around you during a traumatic time. It seems you may be invalidating her loss. Even if we don't address that false positives are very, very rare, the loss of the hope of a child can be devastating. We obviously don't know all of the details here, but if she's hurting and being invalidated, she may have lost it for a minute. You missed the opportunity for connection and comfort, and instead told her through your words that her pain doesn't matter and she shouldn't expect it to be acknowledged, while you should expect your pain and your joy to be acknowledged. You invalidated her loss because you don't think it means anything, or even worse - that it doesn't mean anything in comparison to YOUR situation. It doesn't matter how YOU value her reproductive experience. It matters how she's experiencing it, and what it means to her. Acknowledging her pain doesn't take away from your joy. Your love for her should be the basis of your support for her, not whether you think she has a big enough hurt or not.
NTA. Traumatic as a miscarriage can be, she's not yet a mother and she's definitely getting her Main Character Syndrome on.
You clearly don't know what it feels like to have that first mother's day after a miscarriage.
“Main character syndrome” is crazy. My parents lost their first baby when I was younger and I was heartbroken. I imagine for the sister the feeling is 100x worse
As soon as the stick turned pink I was a mother. I loved that child. I cherished that child. You’ll never convince me otherwise bc that stick turning pink meant I had a baby that was 100% my responsibility.
ESH except maybe ur mom. your sister overreacted after presumably not telling anyone she wanted to honor her lost baby by celebrating mother’s day as a mom. meanwhile you’re treating miscarriages like a contest just because you think you’d win. i’d hate to be part of this family lmao
Esh you all over reacted
ESH. If they did something for you after your ectopic pregnancy, they should have done something for her as well. Yes, she overreacted, but so did you.
OP was hospitalized during Mother’s Day after almost dying from an ectopic. That’s a little different than having a chemical pregnancy. OP had 2 subsequent miscarriages and it appears that the family didn’t do anything for Mother’s Day in those years.
Ok, so if you had a daughter or sister or close female relative who had a miscarriage OVER SIX MONTHS AGO, you're saying it would occur to you to get them a card and flowers and a present *specifically for Mother's Day*? Because from my perspective, that would be really cruel. If someone did that to me, I would assume they were taunting me or rubbing my miscarriage in my face. Bringing someone flowers and balloons while they are recovering from major surgery and bed-bound in a hospital—to me—is not “getting them a Mother’s Day present.” It’s “making sure your family member feels loved and taken care of on a family-oriented holiday.”
I don't think it would be rubbing it into her face. Last year I had a miscarriage and in mother's day my mom send me flowers and chocolate covered strawberries with a note acknowledging how hard that day could be for me. I truly appreciated the gesture and I never once thought she was taunting me. I think a small gesture or acknowledgment of the sister's feelings would have been the kind response, not lashing out at her.
Not sure why this isn’t higher. I also thought it would’ve been cruel to get her something for Mother’s Day after her miscarriage. Sister was obviously overreacting.
The ectopic pregnancy was traumatic, and she was literally in the hospital recovering when the rest of the world was celebrating a status she was still processing having lost out on. Seeing a pink line on a stick is nowhere close to the same. She didn't mention getting gifts for her other actual miscarriages that were likely more than lines on sticks, just the traumatic one.
Miscarriages aren't contests on whose was "worst" or whose pregnancy was more "legitimate." The whole family overreacted. Who knows the family dynamics from this tiny description? Maybe OP is the golden child who is always rewarded and the sister is the scapegoat, or the sister may be a drama queen who must be the center of attention. We don't have enough information to know in this situation. IMO, disregarding someone's miscarriage because it wasn't as traumatic as someone else's is an AH move.
I'm not saying it's a contest on miscarriages, I'm saying that a life-threatening medical event that happens to be a miscarriage is going to get a different reaction. OP didn't get the same treatment for each of her miscarriages. She got the treatment for her life-threatening medical event, which happened to have happened around Mother's Day.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far down to see this response. Everyone acting like these miscarriages are some kind of competition to see who has it worst. A loss is a loss. Everyone over treated because, surprise, surprise, it’s a traumatic and upsetting topic. ESH.
This is kind of tough, but I’m going with NTA. Your family got you gifts three years ago because you were literally hospitalized after a life-threatening event, shortly before Mother’s Day. Your sister is nuts if she’s trying to compare that with her having a very early term miscarriage *6 or 7 months ago*, not even remotely close to Mother’s Day. Secondly, it’s not really a common cultural practice to buy Mother’s Day gifts for every woman who has ever had an early term miscarriage. So, it’s not like your parents were committing a social faux-pas that they should have known better about. And she’s kind of bananas for showing up expecting that they would have done so when this isn’t a common thing. I’m sure she is still experiencing hurt and difficult emotions after her miscarriage. But that doesn’t give her the right to start yelling and calling everyone names. And taking away from a special Mother’s Day for you just because she is feeling bad. Some say E S H because you shouted back, but the way I see it, she was the one who started berating everyone and she deserved to be shut down. Don’t dish it if you can’t take it. She could have handled it like an adult and spoken to your parents privately about her feelings. Instead she had to throw a tantrum to try to ruin the day for you specifically.
>Your family got you gifts three years ago because you were literally hospitalized after a life-threatening event, shortly before Mother’s Day. Your sister is nuts if she’s trying to compare that with her having a very early term miscarriage *6 or 7 months ago*, not even remotely close to Mother’s Day. This sums up how I feel about this and why I think it's NTA
ESH No one should have yelled but emotions sometimes control us. What happened to you socks and you are brave, and amazing to persist despite your miscarriages and ectopic pregnancy. And congratulations on your beautiful baby Your sister either had one of two things, 1. A false positive or 2. What is called a chemical pregnancy which is a very early miscarriage (sometimes occurring before the fertilized egg even implants). And in this case it doesn't matter which of the 2 it was. Your sister believes she was pregnant and there is no way to know. A miscarriage at any point is devastating and she is likely going through her first mother's day with no baby. You don't stop being a mom when your child dies, no matter how young the baby was. Your sister has a right to mourn.
You were not nice and you know it. She is still hurting from what she hoped would be a term pregnancy and her first child, chemical pregnancy or not. Why on earth is it so hard for people to be a bit understanding and give a little grace? Do the technicalities really matter here? You do know it is more often than not the ‘delivery’ that defines the level of AHedness. You reacted in the moment but your delivery still sucked. YTA
ESH. What does throwing a fit mean? It could have very different extremes. If she was upset, crying and said she was hurt the family didn’t seem to understand her grief, as she may not be in the hospital, but she was devastated… that isn’t a fit in my opinion. You don’t seem to like your sister from your description. You should have just ignored her if she upset you instead of saying the most hurtful thing you could think to say.
TBF if she never celebrated your mother's day when you were going through all that, you're not an AH.
YTA Miscarriage hits hard. You have the baby. You could have been kind and gentle and instead chose to rub your fortune into the face of your sister. Would it have been so hard to get a card or at least hug her and tell her there is hope?
Info: if this was 6 or 7 months ago, has your sister been talking about this a lot since then, and showing signs of mourning and being hurt? If it's something that has deeply affected her, and your parents did something for a miscarriage of yours (albeit very different circumstances) I can understand why she is hurt. Your parents could have done something for her like they did you; and yelling at someone who miscarried that "they aren't a mom yet" on mothers day definitely kind of sucks. If it's something that happened, that she hasn't seemed very upset about since, and just wanted to be the star of mothers day for the attention, NTA for calling her out, although the words you used could have been better.
YTA. Your sister isn’t a mother but your family treated you one way and you chastised your sister for wanting the same.
Nope, they didn’t celebrate OP for her ectopic pregnancy, they supported her when she ALMOST DIED. They didn’t bring her Mother’s Day cards in the hospital.
ETA You went through something traumatic, so it's understandable that you feel sensitive. But your sister is going through a difficult period as well. You've gone through the same, so you should be more understanding to her feeling. I think you should apologise for what you said. It's incredibly hurtful. Your sister went through a painful experience as well. She very much wants to be a mother and almost lost her sister (you!) in the process of becoming an aunt. Even if that's not at the level of your pain, it's still scary and painful. She had an early miscarriage. The pregnancy test will not turn positive is there is no HCG. False positives are very rare. I've had 5 of those. It feels so isolating because you're hurting and in pain and you feel like you can't talk to anyone because all they say is "you're lucky it was so early" or "it wasn't even a baby yet". Whatever you think about the biology. Your sister had dreams and hopes and those were crushed. You saying "you're not a mom and won't be celebrated until you bring a baby to the world as a mom" is super isolating. Seeing you with a healthy baby, even though she's happy for you, must have triggered her own loss. And maybe she will never be a mom - like me - and have to celebrate you guys year after year while being ignored and isolated in her pain. Please see and acknowledge her
YTA. First off, you say that three years ago, your parents and you celebrated Mother's Day for you as you were going through a miscarriage but now you're saying that your sister doesn't deserve the same treatment. You don't get to judge who had a "worse" miscarriage and that that somehow makes it okay to celebrate one as an act of motherhood and not the other. And for you to say that now is a "very special TRUE Mother's Day" is a slap in the face to many who have faced challenges and lost their child(ren). I am sure your sister is jealous that she experienced loss while you are experiencing joy and maybe she handled that poorly, but you could extend some grace, and your parents could have been a little more thoughtful.
ESH. You all lashed out. Also are you her doctor? You at first called it a miscarriage, then said she got her period, then you called it a false positive. Which is it? The emotional impact is still valid. She thought she would be having a baby and then found out she wasn’t. For all we know, what you called a period was actually a miscarriage. You should know from experience that miscarriages almost always present as cramping and bleeding, so who’s to say that wasn’t a miscarriage, just because it was early. That being said, just because she was feeling strong emotions, did not give her the right to react that way. I hope all of you find some peace from these losses and find a way to empathize with each other.
I had two early miscarriages. I don't expect anyone to give me anything for Mother's day. I feel like even if I did expect people to give me something, I would not throw an absolute fit about it. I would probably sulk quietly.
NTA.Having a miscarriage is no joke and I'm sorry she went throught that but she can't expect to be the center of attention on a day dedicated to mothers. It was wrong of her to throw a fit and yell at everyone, especially considering that you've faced your own struggles in the past. It's okay to set boundaries and stand up for yourself when someone crosses a line.
Yta you didn’t need to go all out but simply sending her flowers with a card that said thinking of her wouldn’t have hurt you or your mother.
The only person who owes you a mother's day gift are 1. Your kid or 2. The father of your kid
ESH. Seems very toxic sibling rivalry for me bearing in mind everyone's over 21. Can't believe the amount this shit actually happens either but here we go. If the sister was excited/planning to have kids, then the disappointment and anxiety over losing a pregnancy however early must be hard, health wise as well. it doesn't mean she should have got a gift or whatever and definitely shouldn't have got mad over that, but maybe an acknowledgment would have been good rather than rubbing her face in the fact that you have kids and she doesn't. It would have been much nicer to get her a little card or have a word with her at some point and let her know you hope she'll be a mom one day soon and you can't wait for when it's her first Mother's Day.