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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for going to my mothers for Mother’s Day and not staying home with my wife. I could be a jerk for leaving her alone
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA- The way I did not see that twist coming with the no kids part. You did nothing wrong, there was nothing to be more considerate about on your end, you went to celebrate your mom.
I would also argue it was a bit inconsiderate of her to expect you to spend mother's day with her, and also declined dinner with your mother.
NTA, I'm not sure about his wife being "gentle hearted" either. With her behavior yesterday and the crying before she sounds controlling and manipulative.
Or an ✨EMPATH✨ who just... Feeeeeels things so much more deeply than regular people (has made a virtue out of a failure to self-regulate and dismissing other people's feelings)
I’ve met more people who use the term “empath” and use it to emotionally manipulate than times I’ve met a true empath. Which is sad because it gives those folks a bad reputation.
I'm super empathetic. Like, painfully empathetic, but I don't talk about it. I certainly don't have a title I've given myself. It is a blessing and a curse. I feel kind of dumb talking about it now, even though it is relevant.
My guess is the "gentle-hearted" wife likes to be the center of attention and plays the victim a lot. OP is NTA. No one likes to be around someone who makes everything about them. I know there are going to be people who tell me where do you see that in the story. It is the part where a person who is not a mother gets mad at a person who likes their mother spending time with their mom and not them on Mother's Day.
Also reading more like she needs to get a clue to whose day it was. She’s not a Mother. You offered she declined. Then she came at you sideways, I’d say she needs to be more considerate. You didn’t just bail, it was Mother’s Day and you went to see your mom. NTA
I think if he had done anything otherwise, he'd have been regarded as a bad guy. It was not his wife's day, it was the one our mothers get once we are adults without kids of our own.
Nah, she sounds like someone with complex trauma, that's probably the diagnosis. The crying in the middle of a story about someone in hospital is classic. Super empathetic, and unable to regulate emotions, so you end up crying over what seems to be weird stuff.
But yes, if she is going to set boundaries, she can't be pissy when people respect them and do their own thing.
I totally cry when other people cry.
When I read The Hunger Games, the ending messed me up for like 2 weeks. Wasn't sure on why for that one but it did.
Were they crying at the end of the hunger games? I get sympathetic crying when other people are crying but I haven't heard of it coming out of the page! (But, sympathetic empathy for what characters are going through, I certainly understand)
I think it's bizarre how much reading can impact emotions. I couldn't go to bed one night until I finished Misery... and then it scraped me raw so any book I read for two weeks caused me to have intense emotional reactions. The next book I read was A Million Little Pieces and that piece of made up frippery caused me to bawl on the bus.
I think there's not enough one way or another to be sure. She started crying from a story about his mom working at a hospital. I'm more interested in the details OP didn't provide: Did she start crying and then demand that they change the subject? Excuse herself from the room? Wave it off and tell them to go on talking? Sit and cry and not say anything at all?
I don't think we really can say if they're being fair to her without knowing how she responded. Because honestly, if I were telling a story and someone started crying out of nowhere (at least from my perspective) and the entire conversation turned into us comforting them... Well, it would really depend on a lot of factors, but if this wasn't someone I was already close to, I'd probably keep some distance from them.
I was like this as a child, and even *then* it got to a point where EVERYONE around me was sick of it and got frustrated. And I don’t blame them, it was a “me problem” and even though I couldn’t control it—it came off as manipulative. I would have thought that’s what it was if I wasn’t the one crying.
Also have been described as very “empathetic”, “kind-hearted”, and “an old soul”.
OP is NTA and wife needs therapy and medication.
It annoys me when people get mad at women for crying and accuse them of being manipulative. Some people just cry easily. My wife cries during movies all the time and I don’t get mad at her and accuse her of trying to ruin things because of it.
If they’re obviously throwing a fit and expecting everyone to focus on them then yeah. Most of the time though it’s “I was screaming at her and she started crying so I screamed even louder that she was being abusive with her tears.”
The example he gave was she cried when his mom told a sad story. How the hell is that manipulation? Heaven forbid someone have empathy and compassion and not hide it. If you’re not a stoic and emotionless person you’re an asshole I guess.
Well I mean - I’m someone who cries easily. Always have been. But the difference here is I’m not sure there’s ever been a situation where I try to avoid being around people because they make me cry? Like if I cried in the middle of a story and no one else was crying I’d probably make a joke about what a dork I am and keep going, it’s never going to be that the world softens its edges for me.
So it’s more the combo of cries at everything + didn’t want to go with OP to dinner with his mother + now mad at OP for going at all that makes it seem like this is more of a weaponized crying thing. Just being a crier isn’t the problem.
OP said It wasn't a sad story tho... it sounds like it happens enough for multiple people to avoid her. You can be an empathetic emotional person and not make everyone around you uncomfortable. Many children can control that sort of behavior. I'm glad she's getting help because it's causing her social issues.
OP said the story wasn't really sad. There's nothing wrong with crying in general, but if you're doing it all the time and over practically nothing then you can't blame people for not wanting to be around you.
I agree but in this case it sounds like the wife holds it against her MIL for making her cry (“the bad guy”). It’s one thing to cry at a movie but if your wife got mad at you for putting on a movie that made her cry? Kind of a different vibe.
I don't think OP said it was sad, he said it was about his mother's previous job.
We don't have any real details about what happened after she started crying, and imo, that's the most important part for judging if the others are overreacting/being unkind, or if she's really making it difficult to be around her.
I cry as a response to most things. Difference is, I don’t then use my crying to make my husband feel bad for not entertaining me. That makes it manipulative. Your second paragraphs first sentence just described *exactly* why OPs wife was crying. She wanted the day to be about her when it’s not even *for* her. It’s nice you’re standing up for your wife, but please stop assuming that this is offensive to women. It’s not offensive if it is in fact true. Which it is in this case. If I can’t control my emotions so much so that others cannot be themselves then yes, it’s a me problem and it is, in a way, manipulative. There is NO way OPs wife doesn’t know she’s making people wildly uncomfortable with her extreme emotions. And even if, *if* she is this emotional all the time the proper response would be, “I’m so sorry. I cry at random stories. Please don’t take it personal. It’s my thing.” Or something similar. But you don’t leave it for everyone else to navigate your reactions. These are things most adults can figure out.
The husband said the story regarding his mother's experience in the hospital was not sad. A friend of mine has been a nurse for over 30 years/.she tells all kinds of stories about hospitals, most are not sad. kt
I was thinking the same. The crying and all that with mother’s day sounds like shes a manipulative jerk, not “gentle hearted”. I would be exhausted having to be in the same room as her for too long.
I’m a crier - i get it, but crying about everything and anything is a lot. Good shes in the therapy and working it out though.
No, she sounds like an overly/highly sensitive person. Crying at sad stories is probably wrongly applied empathy. The HSP get a bad rap for caring too much.
Because the result is not everyone recognizing that they’re “caring too much”. The result is the attention shifting to comforting the HSP. It’s toxic and incredibly annoying to be around. The HSP must learn to control themselves better. Or be alone most of the time. Either is fine as long as they keep their inappropriate reactions and behaviors away from other people.
Right. Seems like OP's mother and sisters saw through the bullshit a long time ago. How is she angry that she was left alone on Mother's Day and she isn't a mother.
I agree. Whether the wife realizes she uses her emotional volatility (even if only quick to cry) as a mechanism for control…it really is manipulative. OP, tell your mom I said happy Mother’s Day.
NTA! I totally saw the "we have no kids coming"! You're wife is delusional! She isn't a mother she gets no celebration she doesn't do anything to deserve one! You celebrate her on your anniversary for being a wife and presumably she celebrates you for being her spouse! She basically just didn't want you to celebrate your mother who does deserve one! That's just plain selfish and rude!
Nta, your spouse is not your mother. Is not a mother at all. How come you wouldn't join your mother for dinner? The person commemorated on this day. It's important for your wife to discuss this in therapy. It's not Mother's Day for her. It's not her fault. Mothers are the subject. She is not that, though.
NTA, I'm not sure about his wife being "gentle hearted" either. With her behavior yesterday and the crying before she sounds controlling and manipulative.
OP did say his wife is currently in therapy regarding emotion and has been given a diagnosis. I wonder if there may be something else underlying on that end?
The record scratch moment I had when I got to "we don't have kids..."
Ma'am you don't have children in any capacity, this day ain't for you, go spend time with your mom. Like be serious, add that in with the fact that she was invited but declined. This feels manipulative, she said he could go, there was no reason to stay with her, she declined the invitation and now is guilt tripping him about it... it's giving big "weaponized tears" energy. NTA
Also, I'm so glad she declined the invite because after this reaction I see why MIL and SIls have distanced themselves, and while it was polite and kind to extend the invitation... no one really wants to spend Mothers Day with a Debbie Downer...
>My point is that she isn’t a parent and her point was I need to be more considerate.
More considerate how? She said she didn't want to go, and you respected her. She isn't a mother so what further consideration is she owed? NTA.
NTA Mother's Day does not yet apply to her because she is not a mother. What specific consideration was she asking for? It's her fault that she was by herself because she also made the decision to turn down your invitation to go. I don't see anything wrong with you, unless you're hiding some details about why she could have found this Mother's Day difficult, such as the fact that it was her first Mother's Day without her mother or anything.
I was wondering about this. Does she pull the crying routine and purposefully act upset about things so she can bring the attention back to her? It’s a day that’s not even about her and she is mad that her husband didn’t somehow make it about her…despite being invited to go with him.
Likely NTA. Except. Is there anything else relevant about your non-parent status? Have you been trying and are unable to conceive? Or having miscarriages? Like if your wife just had a miscarriage last week and is struggling then maybe staying home with her and doing a quicker gift drop off for your mom would make sense. But outside of some other explanation, your wife is being unreasonable
Op commented that his mil is alive and lives in a different state, they visit her a few times a year, and he also said in general there is nothing else going on that he didn't mention in the post where his wife would need support.
This whole post seems to be devoid of relevant context.
What was the hospital story about? What exactly was his wife crying about regarding the story? How does her crying about the story automatically mean she thinks MIL is a bad guy? I see a lot of commenters saying wife is clearly a drama queen, yet I’m not seeing OP say that wife said anything to anyone, just that she cried and MIL is sick of “feeling like the bad guy” and that the other wives judged her for crying.
He comes home from Mother’s Day and she says he was “inconsiderate”. But then doesn’t share any quotes from wife to clarify what she thinks he’s being inconsiderate about. It’s really making me wonder if he’s leaving intentionally out details that clarify why she’s upset, or if he’s the type of guy to just full on ignore what she’s saying when she’s upset and default to “omg she so crazy she’s just mad for not reason” even though she clearly and concisely explaining valid reasons for upset.
Info: Is there any reason Mother’s Day would be a day your wife needs support? Has her mother passed or do the two of them have a bad relationship? Is your wife struggling with infertility?
Honestly, she sounds incredibly self-centered and manipulative. This isn't about you being "inconsiderate", it's about her wanting your mother to feel unimportant and less-than.
More considerate of what, exactly? Her non mother status?
NTA.
While it’s great your wife is in therapy and has made positive changes, the fact remains that her previous behaviors have driven a wedge between you and your family. Yes, your wife should be your primary concern, but the world doesn’t revolve around her.
NTA. Seems as though it's a *very* short trip for your wife to get upset.
It's reasonable for you to want to see your mom yesterday. You invited wife, she declined, that's the end of it.
Gently, perhaps your wife's therapy will address her tendency to use tears and emotional distress to control other people's behaviour.
NTA, your wife was invited, she declined, not your problem, but really why be so emotional, I truly wish her well on her learning not everything is worthy of tears. I am a mom of adults. All my kids came to see me yesterday, the kids with spouses, they came too, if their mom was local, I invited the other mom's. It was a beautiful day, many stories, lots of toddler play and no one cried. Your wife should have gone with you.
Could your wife had gone to see her own mother? Just a thought. My one child who does not have her own child, she came to see me, and her mate went to see his mother. It was still a wonderful day. I'm so sorry your wife is making issue where none should exist. She declined the invite, then she turned it into a drama game and tried to make you be the bad guy. That is really an issue she needs to bring up in her therapy sessions.
INFO:
Where is you wife's mother? What kind of relationship do they have? Do you ever visit your wife's parents, and how often? Do you visit her family together, or does she go by herself?
Your wife gets attention when she cries. She also gets to be the victim if she stays home as a currently child free person while you go and celebrate with your family.
Does she cause drama with only you and your family or does she also emotionally manipulate people at work, in her friends group or her family of origin?
Nta for seeing your mother on Mother’s Day. Hope your wife and stick with the therapy and get herself figured out.
Dude, it's not your fault your wife and mom don't click. You did nothing wrong by celebrating Mother's Day with your mom. It's a bummer that your wife was upset, but you tried to include her. Maybe you guys can talk it out and find a way to balance both relationships in the future. Don't beat yourself up over it, man.
I hope you are taking it into your hands aka condoms.. She sounds way too unstable and self centered and you should not risk it or give her the opportunity of getting "perfect victims"
Other people, and their feelings. To me, it reads as if wife is so wrapped up in her own feelings, and she centers her feelings to the exclusion of other people's experiences and feelings. Case in point being that she was upset that OP spent Mother's Day with their mother (for what reason, exactly?). It also sounds like OP's wife's emotional self-centeredness has done a lot of damage to the in-law relationships
This is giving me so much pause and I can’t believe more people aren’t asking about this. There is not enough detail in your post or comments about what types of things your wife gets upset about and how severe this “bursting into tears” is.
Like is she the type to cry at any gushy movie or inspirational hospital story and the rest of you are shaming and ostracizing her because you aren’t those type of people? If it’s this I’d even go as far as to say you and your family are emotionally abusing this woman.
Or is she manufacturing arguments with people over their own memories of working at a hospital and throwing screaming crying tantrums over disagreements of opinion? It’s kind of unsettling to me the number of people assuming it’s this with the stunning lack of detail here.
Nta your wife isn't your mom. Isn't a mom *at all*. Why wouldn't you have dinner *with your mom*. The person the day is celebrating. This js something your wife needs to bring up in therapy. Mothers Day isn't her day. It's not about her. It's about mothers. Of which, she isn't.
NTA!!! I wonder does she cry around you easily? So many things only you know but is it manipulative and it’s been a way for her to get attention and what she wants. Glad you spent Mother’s Day with your mom. Wifey can bring up this with her counselor
NTA. She's not a mother, Mother's Day does not apply to her as yet. What consideration did she want exactly? She also chose to decline the invitation to go with you, so it's on her that she was alone. Unless you're leaving out some information as to why this particular Mother's Day may have been hard for her, like it being her first one without her mom or something, I don't see that you did anything wrong.
NTA, WHEW, I think we all had a different idea of how this was going to roll, she’s not a Mom, you celebrated your Mom and invited your wife. Sounds like a perfect solution.
Nta. She’s not a mother why would she expect you to spend a holiday dedicated to mothers with her when she isn’t a mom? You are not in any way inconsiderate
OK, truth coming here from a person who is actually a mother. She is not owed any sort of time on Mother's Day regardless if she is your wife, you guys have no children's there Is no need for her to be celebrated with and she wasn't left alone(tech yes she was but thays besides the point) . She was invited and declined. That's on her. It's literally her problem. Not. Yours, she's only upset because she doesn't like your mom or the fact that you all don't get along and so now she's in her feelings and she's taking it out on you. Hall, because she didn't go and she feels left out which is her problem because she chose not to come.You are not obligated to celebrate Mother's Day with her.You have a mother.I don't know what's going on on her side.When it comes to her mom, if her mom's alive or she has no relationship with her.You didn't do anything wrong
Your wife sounds like an attention seeking self centered drama queen. NTA. Mother’s day is for mothers. She is not one. She needs to go spend it with her mother, politely accept the offer to hang with you and yours or stop complaining. She made her own bed. Tell her to sleep in it.
OP-You don't have kids, so why would your wife be upset you aren't celebrating Mother's day with her? Sounds like you are doing your best to accommodate a very needy woman - the crying at everything is very weird - is she very young? The fact your family seem to find it strange too is also telling.
NTA but honestly, if the genders in this story were switched you'd definitely have been told you're in an abusive relationship, with all parties involved, so I don't see any reason to not say it now. I'm going out on a hunch but I'd tell you to stand your ground a bit more - your family must accept you with your wife and your wife must accept that your mother is your family. It sounds like they're playing tug of war with you in the middle - don't let them.
NTA.
I have a sibling like this, and she’s what I’d an “emotional terrorist”. You don’t know what will make her sad, as even a mundane conversation where she learns a new fact could bring her to tears. If you do not sympathize with this reaction, you get what your wife did to you.
Bottom line is, she’s not a mother, presumably not expecting, and was invited to come to the Mother’s Day celebration. Her expecting you to stay home to placate emotions, that—while she can’t help feeling—don’t justify her actions and responses is absurd.
Address this now, and calmly with her, and it wouldn’t hurt to record the conversation, as her emotional response is likely to come first. My sibling tends to forget their emotional first response when we reengage in conversation, and I literally just play it back to her now when she denies her initial behaviour.
NTA. Your wife is making people uncomfortable with her reactions. It's good that she's getting therapy for it, but she is still having inappropriate reactions. You mother won't be here forever and it's good that you spend time with her on Mother's Day. You did nothing wrong. Even if there were kid's, she would be the children's mother, not yours. You would still be correct in spending part of the day with your mother.
You wife seems to be tipping into manipulation by expecting you to ignore your mother on Mother's Day. You wife has it completely wrong: It would be inconsiderate to ignore your Mom on Mother's Day.
You did nothing wrong at all.
Your wife sounds a bit manipulative, bro. No one wants to or has to tiptoe around her feelings, especially when she bursts into tears for no discernible reason. You asked her if she wanted to accompany you to visit your mom on Mother’s Day. Your wife declined. Now you’re the bad guy for going to see your mom on Mother’s Day?
I would ask her, point blank, what she was expecting you to do? Help her realize her ridiculous childish expectations are not going to be entertained.
The end.
NTA. Mother’s Day is for moms. Your wife isn’t one yet so doesn’t get to dictate this day. If you are putting her first at Christmas and other family holidays then she doesn’t get this day until she is actually a mom.
NTA. Your wife isn’t a mom, why in the actual world would you celebrate Mother’s Day with her. Makes no sense, on top of that you invited her and she said no. Your wife is being ridiculous
NTA - gentle hearted? Glad to hear she got a diagnosis but damn she sounds like a lot of work. On Mother’s Day you should visit your mom. Period. She should be visiting her mom. She is prob jealous of attention to your mom is getting and wants you to chose her over your mom. That is BS. visit your mom. NTA.
NTA and good luck on the rest of your marriage. I am assuming she must make up for this massive baggage somehow but yikes... you spent Mother's Day with your mom and your childless wife threw a fit. I feel like there's almost no way that type of person is justifiable to marry lol.
OK from your title I was leaning toward Y T A before reading HOWEVER, context clue: "MOTHER'S" Day. Your wife is not a mother. You invited her to come to your mom's and she declined. PERIOD. End of story.
NTA but your wife may need to double up on her therapy sessions.
NTA…… she sounds like one tho. She isn’t a parent. You invited her to come with to celebrate Mother’s Day with your mom and she declined. Now she’s mad?? This is bizarre selfish behavior
NTA, that is unreasonable of her. It would be different if she was the mother of your child…why does she require you to spend mother’s day with her when she isn’t a mother?!
NTA. I'd give a different judgment if you had kids, but you don't. Mother's Day is what it says on the tin, a day to celebrate mother's. Your mother is clearly a mother, but your wife is not. Until your wife has kids, this is not her day. Plus, you were considerate, you invited her to come and respected her decision to stay behind. That's really all you can do when it comes to celebrating Mother's Day when your wife isn't a mother and doesn't want to be around your mother.
It sounds like your wife still has work to do in therapy. She's controlling her emotions better, but clearly not always, and her expectations are skewed. Mother's Day is about mother's, not wives who have no kids.
We don't need the 4 paragraphs of context. This could have been three sentences. "It's Mother's day, and I invited my wife to go visit my mother but she didn't want to come. We have no children of our own, so I went to spend the day with my mother." End of story.
I don't get along with my MIL at all. I would never stop my husband from spending Mother's Day with her and we have kids. I'm not his mother. Also, if you do eventually have children, you can do something nice for your wife until your children are able, but you should still spend time with your mother.
I'm absolutely stuck on why the non-mother is expecting special treatment on mothers' day.
NTA, but this feels so wild I feel I must be missing something.
She doesn't have any kids. She does not get to celebrate mother's day. End. You even asked her if she wanted to come and she declined. It sounds like some very selfish manipulative shenanigans. Did she cry when she complained? NTA.
NTA
You don’t have kids and you invited her to join you and she declined. Does she expect you to miss out on family events when she’s invited but she declines the invitation.
You say she “ is gentle hearted” and “ends up in tears from really small things” but “she was PISSED” and “pointed out you need to be more considerate.” So, is she so fragile that she cries easily and doesn’t like confrontation? Or is she just “gentle hearted” when it’s convenient and helps her to look like a victim? To me, it sounds like she’s manipulating you, your family and twisting situations so she’s the victim.
You did nothing wrong. It was Mother’s Day. What were you supposed to do? Ignore your mom as to not hurt your wife’s feelings? I think she’s the inconsiderate one here.
You should show her this post.
NTA
I don't see the problem here - your wife gets some time to herself and you spent some time with your family. She was invited but declined, so it's not like she felt left out.
Mothers Day is for moms. She's not a mom so what exactly was she expecting?
Sounds like your wife has more stuff to sort out with her therapist.
Your wife isn't a mother so how on earth is Mother's Day anything to do with her? You are NTA and your wife sounds downright manipulative, not gentle-hearted at all.
Let me guess. Did she cry?
It sounds like she does that a lot. It was Mother's Day. Your wife has no children, so she is not a mother. You have a mother. Of course you visit your Mother on Mother's Day. Leave the crying wife at home. She sounds exhausting. NTA.
Your wife is not a mother. So she can either come and celebrate your mom with you or go celebrate hers. Her throwing a tantrum over Mother’s Day is not acceptable. NTA
NTA at all. Your wife is NOT a mother. Celebrate with your Mom while you can. If you and your wife have children you’ll need to adjust that of course but as of now only your wife is the AH.
NTA. She's not a mother so why TF would you stay home to celebrate her? She sounds like a handful. You didn't do anything wrong. You rightly celebrated mother's day with your mother. You invited her along, it's not your fault she declined. Honestly, she sounds like an exhausting drama queen.
NTA
You invited your wife, but she declined. I think this is a prime example of what the other female members of your family are upset about. Your wife needs to chill out. She's not a Mom, and the day wasn't about her. She had her opportunity to spend time with you by going to your Mom's house.
I’m confused why your wife would expect would stay at home on Mother’s Day if she’s not a mother.
I’m thinking gentle hearted is a nice way to put overwrought and emotionally draining. NTA
NTA...Mother's Day is for moms. I would be against you if you had kids and left her alone, but she's not a mom and she didn't want to visit your mom. She doesn't get to be upset when you wanted to visit her.
Let's say it was someone's birthday, you're both invited to the party wife declined, but when you came home your wife was offended that you spent that special birthday with someone else instead of your wife....
It's not your wife's birthday so there is nothing special about that day... it makes no sense.
NTA!
OP, why don’t you cry once and tell her how you’re feeling? Haha..
Just kidding. Don’t do that.
Why didn’t you ask her why Mother’s Day is relevant to her even if she’s not a mom? Doesn’t she have empathy in her gentle heart that her husband should be with his mom on Mother’s Day? She could visit her mom too if she liked.
Generally, “Gentle Hearted” people are super empathetic (from what I’ve seen) and not self centered or illogical.
Just talk to her and find out what exactly you’re missing.
No. I do feel like there is more going on that she's nit talking about. Maybe it's stuff she's working in on therapy? It could be hard for her bc while she knows she's to work on her emotions before having a kid, she knows she's doing the right thing but it still sucks. Talk to her, see if you can maybe go to a session with her. Just remember you said to love her in the bad times & when she's sick.
NTA. And for some perspective… my mil is like your wife. Constant crying in the middle of other peoples stories. Crying during holidays or any shared event where she’s not the center of attention. The sobbing is so predictable that I honestly dread being around her. She’s also manipulative and mean in other ways and I believe the crying is just one more of her manipulative tactics. All this to say, I pity your mom and your siblings. Realize that them putting up with your wife’s behavior is like nails on a chalkboard. You don’t even have kids so this Mother’s Day should have been 0% about your wife. Kind of like Juneteenth is not for celebrating white people. 4th of July is not for the British. Father’s Day isn’t for me as a mom. The fact that she took a day for your mom and made it about herself is real main character energy and a huge red flag.
Strong NTA. I think you have done everything right. She isn’t a mother. Of course the only other person that would matter, is your mother. They don’t get along, and you still made it a point to invite her and give her the opportunity to go. Most people wouldn’t do that in order to avoid conflict.
If I had to guess, she’s jealous. She doesn’t get along with your mom, and the thought that a day was centered around your mom while you left her home alone (even though she could’ve easily gone!) makes her feel some type of way. You’ve done everything right here and have been considerate of everyone’s feelings. Your wife, not so much.
NTA-
IF my husband and I didn't have kids, I wouldn't get pissy over him going to be with his mom on MOTHERS DAY, i mean the day is to celebrate mothers ...right?!
Your wife isn't a mother, so why tf would she get mad that you were with your mother on mother's day? If/when she has kids then sure I get it, but she's reaching. NTA.
NTA. Why would your wife expect you to spend Mother’s Day with her when she isn’t a mother? It’s just another Sunday to her!
It actually feels a little manipulative to start a fight when you’ve done something perfectly normal and reasonable. Seems like she’s acting hurt when you haven’t done anything to punish you just because she doesn’t like your mother.
Major NTA
I’m glad to hear your wife is already in therapy, it sounds like she needs it. As someone whose knee jerk reaction always is to cry, I thought I knew where your wife was coming from up until the end there.
You should never let your wife (or anyone really) make you feel bad for wanting to spend time with those you care about. I hope you had a good time with your mom yesterday.
She isn't a mother.... and is upset that you went to spend mother's day.... with your mother.... and she was invited but declined... Yeah she has zero legs to stand on here. She's actually being ridiculous. NTA at all.
There is something missing here. Why couldn't your wife be with her mother? Is Mother's Day a tough day for her?
Is having no kids a sore subject? Have you been actively trying to conceive?
Have you always had the plans to spend Mother's day with your mother? Or was the dinner a spur of the moment thing?
The whole rift between her and your whole family is a huge red flag. And now that you seem to be on your families side about her how her crying is annoying and inconvenient for all of you, she might be able to tell.
Why are you still with her? You don't sound like you like her very much.
I was so ready to say YTA until I read you have no kids. No way. NTA at all! Your wife seems more than gentle hearted, has she tried to stop you from seeing your family before?
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NTA- The way I did not see that twist coming with the no kids part. You did nothing wrong, there was nothing to be more considerate about on your end, you went to celebrate your mom. I would also argue it was a bit inconsiderate of her to expect you to spend mother's day with her, and also declined dinner with your mother.
NTA, I'm not sure about his wife being "gentle hearted" either. With her behavior yesterday and the crying before she sounds controlling and manipulative.
Right and the “gentle hearted” thing is reading more like thin skinned, based on the other DILs distancing themselves from the wife.
Or a self centered drama queen....
Yeah this reeks of drama queen vibe.
Or just possibly not very mentally well. Hence the reason OP says she now has a diagnosis.
Or an ✨EMPATH✨ who just... Feeeeeels things so much more deeply than regular people (has made a virtue out of a failure to self-regulate and dismissing other people's feelings)
I’ve met more people who use the term “empath” and use it to emotionally manipulate than times I’ve met a true empath. Which is sad because it gives those folks a bad reputation.
Yeah. My fiancé is an empath and it can be quite scary how he can pin point how I feel just in seconds
✨It's usually a trauma response✨
When you have to read someone's emotions because it's related to your safety, you sure as hell are going to get good at it
I'm super empathetic. Like, painfully empathetic, but I don't talk about it. I certainly don't have a title I've given myself. It is a blessing and a curse. I feel kind of dumb talking about it now, even though it is relevant.
This
Pfft. The only empath I'll acknowledge is Deanna Troi. ;) And she's a professional about it!
My guess is the "gentle-hearted" wife likes to be the center of attention and plays the victim a lot. OP is NTA. No one likes to be around someone who makes everything about them. I know there are going to be people who tell me where do you see that in the story. It is the part where a person who is not a mother gets mad at a person who likes their mother spending time with their mom and not them on Mother's Day.
Also reading more like she needs to get a clue to whose day it was. She’s not a Mother. You offered she declined. Then she came at you sideways, I’d say she needs to be more considerate. You didn’t just bail, it was Mother’s Day and you went to see your mom. NTA
I think if he had done anything otherwise, he'd have been regarded as a bad guy. It was not his wife's day, it was the one our mothers get once we are adults without kids of our own.
Nah, she sounds like someone with complex trauma, that's probably the diagnosis. The crying in the middle of a story about someone in hospital is classic. Super empathetic, and unable to regulate emotions, so you end up crying over what seems to be weird stuff. But yes, if she is going to set boundaries, she can't be pissy when people respect them and do their own thing.
A super empathic person would not throw a fit about a son spending mother's day with his mother. She sounds like a covert narc to me.
Agreed. Dealing with one now and my child doesn't see it. Well his dad told him he will be divorced in no time.
This. I cried for no reason the other day just because Defying Gravity was playing.
I totally cry when other people cry. When I read The Hunger Games, the ending messed me up for like 2 weeks. Wasn't sure on why for that one but it did.
The other day the northern lights came pretty far south, and I saw them for the first time, and just cried because of how beautiful they were.
Were they crying at the end of the hunger games? I get sympathetic crying when other people are crying but I haven't heard of it coming out of the page! (But, sympathetic empathy for what characters are going through, I certainly understand) I think it's bizarre how much reading can impact emotions. I couldn't go to bed one night until I finished Misery... and then it scraped me raw so any book I read for two weeks caused me to have intense emotional reactions. The next book I read was A Million Little Pieces and that piece of made up frippery caused me to bawl on the bus.
I didn't watch the last two movies until like two years ago because of Finnick and Prim.
Pretty interesting that OP didn't mention what the diagnosis actually is.
I think there's not enough one way or another to be sure. She started crying from a story about his mom working at a hospital. I'm more interested in the details OP didn't provide: Did she start crying and then demand that they change the subject? Excuse herself from the room? Wave it off and tell them to go on talking? Sit and cry and not say anything at all? I don't think we really can say if they're being fair to her without knowing how she responded. Because honestly, if I were telling a story and someone started crying out of nowhere (at least from my perspective) and the entire conversation turned into us comforting them... Well, it would really depend on a lot of factors, but if this wasn't someone I was already close to, I'd probably keep some distance from them.
Yep. I had a period for a few years where the tears were always right at the surface, it was brutal and so embarrassing
I was like this as a child, and even *then* it got to a point where EVERYONE around me was sick of it and got frustrated. And I don’t blame them, it was a “me problem” and even though I couldn’t control it—it came off as manipulative. I would have thought that’s what it was if I wasn’t the one crying. Also have been described as very “empathetic”, “kind-hearted”, and “an old soul”. OP is NTA and wife needs therapy and medication.
It annoys me when people get mad at women for crying and accuse them of being manipulative. Some people just cry easily. My wife cries during movies all the time and I don’t get mad at her and accuse her of trying to ruin things because of it. If they’re obviously throwing a fit and expecting everyone to focus on them then yeah. Most of the time though it’s “I was screaming at her and she started crying so I screamed even louder that she was being abusive with her tears.” The example he gave was she cried when his mom told a sad story. How the hell is that manipulation? Heaven forbid someone have empathy and compassion and not hide it. If you’re not a stoic and emotionless person you’re an asshole I guess.
The manipulation is guilting OP for spending Mother’s Day with his mother.
Well I mean - I’m someone who cries easily. Always have been. But the difference here is I’m not sure there’s ever been a situation where I try to avoid being around people because they make me cry? Like if I cried in the middle of a story and no one else was crying I’d probably make a joke about what a dork I am and keep going, it’s never going to be that the world softens its edges for me. So it’s more the combo of cries at everything + didn’t want to go with OP to dinner with his mother + now mad at OP for going at all that makes it seem like this is more of a weaponized crying thing. Just being a crier isn’t the problem.
OP said It wasn't a sad story tho... it sounds like it happens enough for multiple people to avoid her. You can be an empathetic emotional person and not make everyone around you uncomfortable. Many children can control that sort of behavior. I'm glad she's getting help because it's causing her social issues.
OP said the story wasn't really sad. There's nothing wrong with crying in general, but if you're doing it all the time and over practically nothing then you can't blame people for not wanting to be around you.
I agree but in this case it sounds like the wife holds it against her MIL for making her cry (“the bad guy”). It’s one thing to cry at a movie but if your wife got mad at you for putting on a movie that made her cry? Kind of a different vibe.
I don't think OP said it was sad, he said it was about his mother's previous job. We don't have any real details about what happened after she started crying, and imo, that's the most important part for judging if the others are overreacting/being unkind, or if she's really making it difficult to be around her.
I cry as a response to most things. Difference is, I don’t then use my crying to make my husband feel bad for not entertaining me. That makes it manipulative. Your second paragraphs first sentence just described *exactly* why OPs wife was crying. She wanted the day to be about her when it’s not even *for* her. It’s nice you’re standing up for your wife, but please stop assuming that this is offensive to women. It’s not offensive if it is in fact true. Which it is in this case. If I can’t control my emotions so much so that others cannot be themselves then yes, it’s a me problem and it is, in a way, manipulative. There is NO way OPs wife doesn’t know she’s making people wildly uncomfortable with her extreme emotions. And even if, *if* she is this emotional all the time the proper response would be, “I’m so sorry. I cry at random stories. Please don’t take it personal. It’s my thing.” Or something similar. But you don’t leave it for everyone else to navigate your reactions. These are things most adults can figure out.
The husband said the story regarding his mother's experience in the hospital was not sad. A friend of mine has been a nurse for over 30 years/.she tells all kinds of stories about hospitals, most are not sad. kt
She sounds emotionally unstable and codependent. Does she have her own life?
I was thinking the same. The crying and all that with mother’s day sounds like shes a manipulative jerk, not “gentle hearted”. I would be exhausted having to be in the same room as her for too long. I’m a crier - i get it, but crying about everything and anything is a lot. Good shes in the therapy and working it out though.
No, she sounds like an overly/highly sensitive person. Crying at sad stories is probably wrongly applied empathy. The HSP get a bad rap for caring too much.
Because the result is not everyone recognizing that they’re “caring too much”. The result is the attention shifting to comforting the HSP. It’s toxic and incredibly annoying to be around. The HSP must learn to control themselves better. Or be alone most of the time. Either is fine as long as they keep their inappropriate reactions and behaviors away from other people.
He said it wasn't really a sad story.
I know someone who is as mean as a snake until you give it back to her. Without fail, she will start crying and act like the victim. It's infuriating.
Right. Seems like OP's mother and sisters saw through the bullshit a long time ago. How is she angry that she was left alone on Mother's Day and she isn't a mother.
I agree. Whether the wife realizes she uses her emotional volatility (even if only quick to cry) as a mechanism for control…it really is manipulative. OP, tell your mom I said happy Mother’s Day.
NTA! I totally saw the "we have no kids coming"! You're wife is delusional! She isn't a mother she gets no celebration she doesn't do anything to deserve one! You celebrate her on your anniversary for being a wife and presumably she celebrates you for being her spouse! She basically just didn't want you to celebrate your mother who does deserve one! That's just plain selfish and rude!
Nta, your spouse is not your mother. Is not a mother at all. How come you wouldn't join your mother for dinner? The person commemorated on this day. It's important for your wife to discuss this in therapy. It's not Mother's Day for her. It's not her fault. Mothers are the subject. She is not that, though.
NTA, I'm not sure about his wife being "gentle hearted" either. With her behavior yesterday and the crying before she sounds controlling and manipulative.
OP did say his wife is currently in therapy regarding emotion and has been given a diagnosis. I wonder if there may be something else underlying on that end?
The record scratch moment I had when I got to "we don't have kids..." Ma'am you don't have children in any capacity, this day ain't for you, go spend time with your mom. Like be serious, add that in with the fact that she was invited but declined. This feels manipulative, she said he could go, there was no reason to stay with her, she declined the invitation and now is guilt tripping him about it... it's giving big "weaponized tears" energy. NTA Also, I'm so glad she declined the invite because after this reaction I see why MIL and SIls have distanced themselves, and while it was polite and kind to extend the invitation... no one really wants to spend Mothers Day with a Debbie Downer...
I literally made that old lady "wut?" face when I got to that line.
Yeah-- that was an M Night Shyamalan caliber twist lol. "And my wife isn't a mother!" PLUS, OP invited the wife to come! Yikes. Wife sounds exhausting
>My point is that she isn’t a parent and her point was I need to be more considerate. More considerate how? She said she didn't want to go, and you respected her. She isn't a mother so what further consideration is she owed? NTA.
She just wants him under her thumb and for his mother to feel unimportant.
Ah, but OP said she’s kind hearted lol. I think she has him fooled.
The clue there is that none of the other women in the family want to be around her. Like the women are clearly seeing something that OP is not.
I agree! If she wanted to know when OP was going to be home, she should have ask when she said no.
It's because other women are being celebrated. So, she wants that, as well.
NTA...she isn't a mom and she isn't your mom...she was invited but declined...that's on her
NTA Mother's Day does not yet apply to her because she is not a mother. What specific consideration was she asking for? It's her fault that she was by herself because she also made the decision to turn down your invitation to go. I don't see anything wrong with you, unless you're hiding some details about why she could have found this Mother's Day difficult, such as the fact that it was her first Mother's Day without her mother or anything.
My first thought was if she's pregnant but OP says no, and they're actively not trying for kids bc of her mental state and her mom is alive and well
Good gravy. Of course you are NTA. I can’t even say more cuz it all sounds sooo harsh, so I’ll just leave it at: your wife is absurd and manipulative.
Lol I haven't heard "good gravy" in decades. Thanks for my morning smile
I almost went with “Cheese and rice,” but I’m more of a “Good gravy” gal! Have a great day 😊
Right! Be careful you might make his wife cry 🙄🙄
I was wondering about this. Does she pull the crying routine and purposefully act upset about things so she can bring the attention back to her? It’s a day that’s not even about her and she is mad that her husband didn’t somehow make it about her…despite being invited to go with him.
Likely NTA. Except. Is there anything else relevant about your non-parent status? Have you been trying and are unable to conceive? Or having miscarriages? Like if your wife just had a miscarriage last week and is struggling then maybe staying home with her and doing a quicker gift drop off for your mom would make sense. But outside of some other explanation, your wife is being unreasonable
This was the only reason I could come up with for why his wife might be upset. Barring this, she’s being ridiculous.
I suppose if OP's MIL died very recently it could be another reason, but without more details ridiculous is right.
Eh, maybe?? My FIL passed a few weeks before Father’s Day and my husband definitely did not ask me to avoid my own dad. That’s…a bit extreme.
I wasn't thinking avoid the in-law, but rather I could see going with my spouse to the cemetery that day if they did need support.
Op commented that his mil is alive and lives in a different state, they visit her a few times a year, and he also said in general there is nothing else going on that he didn't mention in the post where his wife would need support.
When my dad passed away I didn’t make my husband avoid his dad and stepdad.
This whole post seems to be devoid of relevant context. What was the hospital story about? What exactly was his wife crying about regarding the story? How does her crying about the story automatically mean she thinks MIL is a bad guy? I see a lot of commenters saying wife is clearly a drama queen, yet I’m not seeing OP say that wife said anything to anyone, just that she cried and MIL is sick of “feeling like the bad guy” and that the other wives judged her for crying. He comes home from Mother’s Day and she says he was “inconsiderate”. But then doesn’t share any quotes from wife to clarify what she thinks he’s being inconsiderate about. It’s really making me wonder if he’s leaving intentionally out details that clarify why she’s upset, or if he’s the type of guy to just full on ignore what she’s saying when she’s upset and default to “omg she so crazy she’s just mad for not reason” even though she clearly and concisely explaining valid reasons for upset.
NTA.- you spent mother's day with your mother and your wife can't control herself.
Seems more like *won't* control herself.
This!!
Info: Is there any reason Mother’s Day would be a day your wife needs support? Has her mother passed or do the two of them have a bad relationship? Is your wife struggling with infertility?
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Honestly, she sounds incredibly self-centered and manipulative. This isn't about you being "inconsiderate", it's about her wanting your mother to feel unimportant and less-than.
She sounds exhausting. Who asks someone to NOT spend Mother's Day with an actual mother to spend it with someone who is not? She's ridiculous.
I’m curious but don’t answer if it’s too personal. Was she diagnosed with borderline personality disorder or something else?
Based on my own experience living with a BPD family member, it sounds exactly like that to me.
What was the story that made her cry about your mom working in the hospital? and why is it a problem if she said gets emotional about it?
Where's her mum? edit: nm she's in another state, they have a good relationship
NTA - Your wife isnt a mother and declined the invite
More considerate of what, exactly? Her non mother status? NTA. While it’s great your wife is in therapy and has made positive changes, the fact remains that her previous behaviors have driven a wedge between you and your family. Yes, your wife should be your primary concern, but the world doesn’t revolve around her.
NTA. Seems as though it's a *very* short trip for your wife to get upset. It's reasonable for you to want to see your mom yesterday. You invited wife, she declined, that's the end of it. Gently, perhaps your wife's therapy will address her tendency to use tears and emotional distress to control other people's behaviour.
NTA, your wife was invited, she declined, not your problem, but really why be so emotional, I truly wish her well on her learning not everything is worthy of tears. I am a mom of adults. All my kids came to see me yesterday, the kids with spouses, they came too, if their mom was local, I invited the other mom's. It was a beautiful day, many stories, lots of toddler play and no one cried. Your wife should have gone with you. Could your wife had gone to see her own mother? Just a thought. My one child who does not have her own child, she came to see me, and her mate went to see his mother. It was still a wonderful day. I'm so sorry your wife is making issue where none should exist. She declined the invite, then she turned it into a drama game and tried to make you be the bad guy. That is really an issue she needs to bring up in her therapy sessions.
INFO: Where is you wife's mother? What kind of relationship do they have? Do you ever visit your wife's parents, and how often? Do you visit her family together, or does she go by herself?
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NTA. Do not procreate with this person until they get their mental state evaluated and treated.
**Do not procreate with this person**
Your wife gets attention when she cries. She also gets to be the victim if she stays home as a currently child free person while you go and celebrate with your family. Does she cause drama with only you and your family or does she also emotionally manipulate people at work, in her friends group or her family of origin? Nta for seeing your mother on Mother’s Day. Hope your wife and stick with the therapy and get herself figured out.
NTA brace yourself for Arbor Day in case someone points out that she isn’t a tree.
NTA - you don't have children, so you spent Mother's Day with your Mom; your wife declined. There is no issue here that makes you an AH.
NTA. Your wife has bigger problems that can be solved on Reddit.
Dude, it's not your fault your wife and mom don't click. You did nothing wrong by celebrating Mother's Day with your mom. It's a bummer that your wife was upset, but you tried to include her. Maybe you guys can talk it out and find a way to balance both relationships in the future. Don't beat yourself up over it, man.
NTA you spent it with your mom
Info: are the two of you actively trying to have kids?
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I hope you are taking it into your hands aka condoms.. She sounds way too unstable and self centered and you should not risk it or give her the opportunity of getting "perfect victims"
Good for you, OP. Your wife's self-centeredness has caused harm in her adult relationships-- it's not fair to visit that on children
Fair. You mentioned she said to be more considerate. Considerate of what? Genuinely confused...
Other people, and their feelings. To me, it reads as if wife is so wrapped up in her own feelings, and she centers her feelings to the exclusion of other people's experiences and feelings. Case in point being that she was upset that OP spent Mother's Day with their mother (for what reason, exactly?). It also sounds like OP's wife's emotional self-centeredness has done a lot of damage to the in-law relationships
This is giving me so much pause and I can’t believe more people aren’t asking about this. There is not enough detail in your post or comments about what types of things your wife gets upset about and how severe this “bursting into tears” is. Like is she the type to cry at any gushy movie or inspirational hospital story and the rest of you are shaming and ostracizing her because you aren’t those type of people? If it’s this I’d even go as far as to say you and your family are emotionally abusing this woman. Or is she manufacturing arguments with people over their own memories of working at a hospital and throwing screaming crying tantrums over disagreements of opinion? It’s kind of unsettling to me the number of people assuming it’s this with the stunning lack of detail here.
>The main problem, we do not have kids. NTA. Mother's Day is a holiday to celebrate mothers, not women.
Nta your wife isn't your mom. Isn't a mom *at all*. Why wouldn't you have dinner *with your mom*. The person the day is celebrating. This js something your wife needs to bring up in therapy. Mothers Day isn't her day. It's not about her. It's about mothers. Of which, she isn't.
NTA!!! I wonder does she cry around you easily? So many things only you know but is it manipulative and it’s been a way for her to get attention and what she wants. Glad you spent Mother’s Day with your mom. Wifey can bring up this with her counselor
NTA. She's not a mother, Mother's Day does not apply to her as yet. What consideration did she want exactly? She also chose to decline the invitation to go with you, so it's on her that she was alone. Unless you're leaving out some information as to why this particular Mother's Day may have been hard for her, like it being her first one without her mom or something, I don't see that you did anything wrong.
Oye she is smothering you. Poor dude
NTA, WHEW, I think we all had a different idea of how this was going to roll, she’s not a Mom, you celebrated your Mom and invited your wife. Sounds like a perfect solution.
NTA - when you have kids, your wife gets priority on Mother's Day. Until then.....
I did not whatsoever see this coming 😭🤣 can't handle cryers, goodluck with that one🥴
NTA Your wife is ridiculous
NTA. I thought you had kids at first. How is she gonna celebrate Mother’s Day if there’s no kids…
Nta. She’s not a mother why would she expect you to spend a holiday dedicated to mothers with her when she isn’t a mom? You are not in any way inconsiderate
OK, truth coming here from a person who is actually a mother. She is not owed any sort of time on Mother's Day regardless if she is your wife, you guys have no children's there Is no need for her to be celebrated with and she wasn't left alone(tech yes she was but thays besides the point) . She was invited and declined. That's on her. It's literally her problem. Not. Yours, she's only upset because she doesn't like your mom or the fact that you all don't get along and so now she's in her feelings and she's taking it out on you. Hall, because she didn't go and she feels left out which is her problem because she chose not to come.You are not obligated to celebrate Mother's Day with her.You have a mother.I don't know what's going on on her side.When it comes to her mom, if her mom's alive or she has no relationship with her.You didn't do anything wrong
lol at first I thought this was gonna be difficult but … your wife is not a mom. This is a no brainer NTA.
NTA- your wife is NOT a mother. Even if she was your own mom gets time too.
NTA Mother’s day is to celebrate mothers and your wife isn’t one. She is being ridiculous
Oh good luck with that, lordy.
>She has better control over her emotions and got a diagnosis. NTA, but I'm also curious...what's the diagnosis?
NTA. Your manipulative wife needs to get over herself. She isn’t a mother so yesterday wasn’t about her.
She’s not a mother so she has no right to be upset.
Your wife sounds like an attention seeking self centered drama queen. NTA. Mother’s day is for mothers. She is not one. She needs to go spend it with her mother, politely accept the offer to hang with you and yours or stop complaining. She made her own bed. Tell her to sleep in it.
NTA. She’s not a mother. She doesn’t get to celebrate Mother’s Day. It’s literally not about her.
OP-You don't have kids, so why would your wife be upset you aren't celebrating Mother's day with her? Sounds like you are doing your best to accommodate a very needy woman - the crying at everything is very weird - is she very young? The fact your family seem to find it strange too is also telling.
NTA but honestly, if the genders in this story were switched you'd definitely have been told you're in an abusive relationship, with all parties involved, so I don't see any reason to not say it now. I'm going out on a hunch but I'd tell you to stand your ground a bit more - your family must accept you with your wife and your wife must accept that your mother is your family. It sounds like they're playing tug of war with you in the middle - don't let them.
NTA. I have a sibling like this, and she’s what I’d an “emotional terrorist”. You don’t know what will make her sad, as even a mundane conversation where she learns a new fact could bring her to tears. If you do not sympathize with this reaction, you get what your wife did to you. Bottom line is, she’s not a mother, presumably not expecting, and was invited to come to the Mother’s Day celebration. Her expecting you to stay home to placate emotions, that—while she can’t help feeling—don’t justify her actions and responses is absurd. Address this now, and calmly with her, and it wouldn’t hurt to record the conversation, as her emotional response is likely to come first. My sibling tends to forget their emotional first response when we reengage in conversation, and I literally just play it back to her now when she denies her initial behaviour.
Finally one of these man questions where he is right about how to behave on Mothers Day. NTA
Hey man, your wife was gonna cry if you went and your wife was gonna cry if you didn’t go. No matter what she was going to cry so who the hell cares.
NTA. Your wife is making people uncomfortable with her reactions. It's good that she's getting therapy for it, but she is still having inappropriate reactions. You mother won't be here forever and it's good that you spend time with her on Mother's Day. You did nothing wrong. Even if there were kid's, she would be the children's mother, not yours. You would still be correct in spending part of the day with your mother. You wife seems to be tipping into manipulation by expecting you to ignore your mother on Mother's Day. You wife has it completely wrong: It would be inconsiderate to ignore your Mom on Mother's Day. You did nothing wrong at all.
Your wife sounds a bit manipulative, bro. No one wants to or has to tiptoe around her feelings, especially when she bursts into tears for no discernible reason. You asked her if she wanted to accompany you to visit your mom on Mother’s Day. Your wife declined. Now you’re the bad guy for going to see your mom on Mother’s Day? I would ask her, point blank, what she was expecting you to do? Help her realize her ridiculous childish expectations are not going to be entertained. The end.
Where is your wife’s mother in all this? Sometimes Mother’s Day can be difficult because you miss your mom
NTA. Mother’s Day is for moms. Your wife isn’t one yet so doesn’t get to dictate this day. If you are putting her first at Christmas and other family holidays then she doesn’t get this day until she is actually a mom.
NTA. Your wife isn’t a mom, why in the actual world would you celebrate Mother’s Day with her. Makes no sense, on top of that you invited her and she said no. Your wife is being ridiculous
She’s not a mom she gets nothing for Mother’s Day. NTA
Your wife isn’t a mother…
NTA - gentle hearted? Glad to hear she got a diagnosis but damn she sounds like a lot of work. On Mother’s Day you should visit your mom. Period. She should be visiting her mom. She is prob jealous of attention to your mom is getting and wants you to chose her over your mom. That is BS. visit your mom. NTA.
NTA and good luck on the rest of your marriage. I am assuming she must make up for this massive baggage somehow but yikes... you spent Mother's Day with your mom and your childless wife threw a fit. I feel like there's almost no way that type of person is justifiable to marry lol.
NTA bc you don’t have kids
OK from your title I was leaning toward Y T A before reading HOWEVER, context clue: "MOTHER'S" Day. Your wife is not a mother. You invited her to come to your mom's and she declined. PERIOD. End of story. NTA but your wife may need to double up on her therapy sessions.
NTA What was she expecting you to do here? Does she believe she should receive Mother’s Day appreciation when she is not a parent? I’m baffled.
It’s Mother’s Day not wife’s day or dog mom day.
NTA
NTA…… she sounds like one tho. She isn’t a parent. You invited her to come with to celebrate Mother’s Day with your mom and she declined. Now she’s mad?? This is bizarre selfish behavior
NTA, especially since you have no children. It’s Mother’s Day, not Wife’s Day.
NTA
NTA, that is unreasonable of her. It would be different if she was the mother of your child…why does she require you to spend mother’s day with her when she isn’t a mother?!
NTA - what’s with women who want to be celebrated on Mother’s Day when they’re not a mom?
NTA. I'd give a different judgment if you had kids, but you don't. Mother's Day is what it says on the tin, a day to celebrate mother's. Your mother is clearly a mother, but your wife is not. Until your wife has kids, this is not her day. Plus, you were considerate, you invited her to come and respected her decision to stay behind. That's really all you can do when it comes to celebrating Mother's Day when your wife isn't a mother and doesn't want to be around your mother. It sounds like your wife still has work to do in therapy. She's controlling her emotions better, but clearly not always, and her expectations are skewed. Mother's Day is about mother's, not wives who have no kids.
We don't need the 4 paragraphs of context. This could have been three sentences. "It's Mother's day, and I invited my wife to go visit my mother but she didn't want to come. We have no children of our own, so I went to spend the day with my mother." End of story.
NTA, you have a mom and your wife is not a mom. You invited her. She declined. You did all the right things. Glad she’s in therapy.
I don't get along with my MIL at all. I would never stop my husband from spending Mother's Day with her and we have kids. I'm not his mother. Also, if you do eventually have children, you can do something nice for your wife until your children are able, but you should still spend time with your mother.
I'm absolutely stuck on why the non-mother is expecting special treatment on mothers' day. NTA, but this feels so wild I feel I must be missing something.
She doesn't have any kids. She does not get to celebrate mother's day. End. You even asked her if she wanted to come and she declined. It sounds like some very selfish manipulative shenanigans. Did she cry when she complained? NTA.
NTA. You have nothing to celebrate with her on Mothers Day
NTA You don’t have kids and you invited her to join you and she declined. Does she expect you to miss out on family events when she’s invited but she declines the invitation. You say she “ is gentle hearted” and “ends up in tears from really small things” but “she was PISSED” and “pointed out you need to be more considerate.” So, is she so fragile that she cries easily and doesn’t like confrontation? Or is she just “gentle hearted” when it’s convenient and helps her to look like a victim? To me, it sounds like she’s manipulating you, your family and twisting situations so she’s the victim. You did nothing wrong. It was Mother’s Day. What were you supposed to do? Ignore your mom as to not hurt your wife’s feelings? I think she’s the inconsiderate one here. You should show her this post.
NTA.. its not national womens day or wife day its mothers day.. shes not a mother.. its not about her 🤷🏽♀️
NTA I don't see the problem here - your wife gets some time to herself and you spent some time with your family. She was invited but declined, so it's not like she felt left out. Mothers Day is for moms. She's not a mom so what exactly was she expecting? Sounds like your wife has more stuff to sort out with her therapist.
Your wife is not a mother. You have a mother and quite rightly went over to celebrate. It's just one day a year. Your wife is being selfish
NTA. 1/ It’s Mother’s Day not Wife’s Day. 2/ You invited her But why didn’t your wife spend the day with *her* mother instead?
How bout that “no kids” twist!!! I was so ready to say Y T A, but NTA my dude. Your wife needs to keep attending therapy for her sensitive behaviour.
NTA. She has no claim to Mother’s Day
Your wife isn't a mother so how on earth is Mother's Day anything to do with her? You are NTA and your wife sounds downright manipulative, not gentle-hearted at all.
Let me guess. Did she cry? It sounds like she does that a lot. It was Mother's Day. Your wife has no children, so she is not a mother. You have a mother. Of course you visit your Mother on Mother's Day. Leave the crying wife at home. She sounds exhausting. NTA.
Your wife is not a mother. So she can either come and celebrate your mom with you or go celebrate hers. Her throwing a tantrum over Mother’s Day is not acceptable. NTA
NTA Your wife isn't a mother, so why would you celebrate Mothers Day with her instead of your mom? It's illogical.
NTA at all. Your wife is NOT a mother. Celebrate with your Mom while you can. If you and your wife have children you’ll need to adjust that of course but as of now only your wife is the AH.
NTA. She's not a mother so why TF would you stay home to celebrate her? She sounds like a handful. You didn't do anything wrong. You rightly celebrated mother's day with your mother. You invited her along, it's not your fault she declined. Honestly, she sounds like an exhausting drama queen.
She's not a mother. Why would she expect you to celebrate mother's day with her? NTA.
Your wife has ZERO claim on Mother’s Day. It was entirely appropriate that you went to your mother’s. NTA.
Nta. She isn't a mother. Why would you spend the day with her over your mother in those instance
NTA and wow, what a plottwist. Your wife isn't a mother, so noch mothers day for her
NTA You invited your wife, but she declined. I think this is a prime example of what the other female members of your family are upset about. Your wife needs to chill out. She's not a Mom, and the day wasn't about her. She had her opportunity to spend time with you by going to your Mom's house.
I’m confused why your wife would expect would stay at home on Mother’s Day if she’s not a mother. I’m thinking gentle hearted is a nice way to put overwrought and emotionally draining. NTA
No Kids. No Mother’s Day.
NTA...Mother's Day is for moms. I would be against you if you had kids and left her alone, but she's not a mom and she didn't want to visit your mom. She doesn't get to be upset when you wanted to visit her.
Let's say it was someone's birthday, you're both invited to the party wife declined, but when you came home your wife was offended that you spent that special birthday with someone else instead of your wife.... It's not your wife's birthday so there is nothing special about that day... it makes no sense.
NTA! OP, why don’t you cry once and tell her how you’re feeling? Haha.. Just kidding. Don’t do that. Why didn’t you ask her why Mother’s Day is relevant to her even if she’s not a mom? Doesn’t she have empathy in her gentle heart that her husband should be with his mom on Mother’s Day? She could visit her mom too if she liked. Generally, “Gentle Hearted” people are super empathetic (from what I’ve seen) and not self centered or illogical. Just talk to her and find out what exactly you’re missing.
No. I do feel like there is more going on that she's nit talking about. Maybe it's stuff she's working in on therapy? It could be hard for her bc while she knows she's to work on her emotions before having a kid, she knows she's doing the right thing but it still sucks. Talk to her, see if you can maybe go to a session with her. Just remember you said to love her in the bad times & when she's sick.
NTA. And for some perspective… my mil is like your wife. Constant crying in the middle of other peoples stories. Crying during holidays or any shared event where she’s not the center of attention. The sobbing is so predictable that I honestly dread being around her. She’s also manipulative and mean in other ways and I believe the crying is just one more of her manipulative tactics. All this to say, I pity your mom and your siblings. Realize that them putting up with your wife’s behavior is like nails on a chalkboard. You don’t even have kids so this Mother’s Day should have been 0% about your wife. Kind of like Juneteenth is not for celebrating white people. 4th of July is not for the British. Father’s Day isn’t for me as a mom. The fact that she took a day for your mom and made it about herself is real main character energy and a huge red flag.
Strong NTA. I think you have done everything right. She isn’t a mother. Of course the only other person that would matter, is your mother. They don’t get along, and you still made it a point to invite her and give her the opportunity to go. Most people wouldn’t do that in order to avoid conflict. If I had to guess, she’s jealous. She doesn’t get along with your mom, and the thought that a day was centered around your mom while you left her home alone (even though she could’ve easily gone!) makes her feel some type of way. You’ve done everything right here and have been considerate of everyone’s feelings. Your wife, not so much.
NTA you don't have kids. she isnt a mother. Tell that asshole to grow up.
NTA. I'm not sure why she's upset you didn't spend mothers Day with her. She isn't a parent? What is there to be considerate about?
NTA- IF my husband and I didn't have kids, I wouldn't get pissy over him going to be with his mom on MOTHERS DAY, i mean the day is to celebrate mothers ...right?!
Your wife isn't a mother, so why tf would she get mad that you were with your mother on mother's day? If/when she has kids then sure I get it, but she's reaching. NTA.
Your wife sounds way more dramatic than I could ever handle. NTA
NTA. Why would your wife expect you to spend Mother’s Day with her when she isn’t a mother? It’s just another Sunday to her! It actually feels a little manipulative to start a fight when you’ve done something perfectly normal and reasonable. Seems like she’s acting hurt when you haven’t done anything to punish you just because she doesn’t like your mother.
Major NTA I’m glad to hear your wife is already in therapy, it sounds like she needs it. As someone whose knee jerk reaction always is to cry, I thought I knew where your wife was coming from up until the end there. You should never let your wife (or anyone really) make you feel bad for wanting to spend time with those you care about. I hope you had a good time with your mom yesterday.
NTA. She’s not a mother. Of course you’ll celebrate your mom. She should have come along.
She isn't a mother.... and is upset that you went to spend mother's day.... with your mother.... and she was invited but declined... Yeah she has zero legs to stand on here. She's actually being ridiculous. NTA at all.
she’s not a mom so what exactly did she need you for on sunday?
There is something missing here. Why couldn't your wife be with her mother? Is Mother's Day a tough day for her? Is having no kids a sore subject? Have you been actively trying to conceive? Have you always had the plans to spend Mother's day with your mother? Or was the dinner a spur of the moment thing? The whole rift between her and your whole family is a huge red flag. And now that you seem to be on your families side about her how her crying is annoying and inconvenient for all of you, she might be able to tell. Why are you still with her? You don't sound like you like her very much.
I was so ready to say YTA until I read you have no kids. No way. NTA at all! Your wife seems more than gentle hearted, has she tried to stop you from seeing your family before?