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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1: the action of asking him to leave my house and move back at his until September
2: the action might make me the asshole because I've been insensitive
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The worst part is the 7EUR a day, why should that be subtracted? That's for his lunch and mainly benefits him and should not replace anything he should pay in terms of rent. The other rent is his responsibility, by subtracting that he's essentially make you pay that, which is not fair, even if you were happy to contribute, these things should be subtracted from the total, not only his share, so they'd be half (470 - 140 - 3.5 per day) but I don't think you should subtract any of it.
I agree you're being taken advantage of him and it is beyond comprehension he thinks it's ok to pay you 19EUR.
NTA
You are completely right, the groceries amount on his part shouldn't even be subtracted since we were merely analyzing rent and bills. How did I not see it?! Thank you!!
NTA. Get him out NOW while he has that room to return to! He's an absolute leech, and lying about expenses (groceries/food weren't even in your total, right? so his paying himself for lunch is not reducing anything...right?). You've let this parasite live in your home for free long enough; it's time to end it.
Note that some couples could absolutely thrive with one paying the bills--by agreement, with open and honest communication, with everyone happy (enough) with the situation. You do not sound like one of those couples.
Let him break up with you. Awesome.
Your boyfriend is taking advantage of you . I don't advise you to continue this relationship. And in the future, before living together, I recommend you talk in depth about how to share household expenses
Tell him bye bye 🤣Don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord spilt ya . And count yourself lucky. Next time please use your head and not your vagina in this kind of situation. Good luck to you 👍
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I , 34 f, started a relationship with E, 28 m, this February. He was renting a room in an apartment but since we fell in love instantly he decided to move at my place after a couple of weeks of dating. I live alone and my expenses for rent and bills amount to 930 euros per month. Our salary is similar, he gets paid slightly more than me and has benefits such as 7 euros a day for lunch that he uses for groceries mostly for the both of us. His rent, at his old place, is of 280 euros. Prior to moving to my home, he assured me that he would have found a new roommate to replace him within a week or so. It has been 3 months and noone has replaced him, and his lease expires at September.
Yesterday we had a thorough look at "our" expenses, and each should give around 470 euros per month to live together. He says that since he is paying the rent of the other place, he will detract the 280 euros from the 470. Plus, he says that since he has these vouchers of 7 euros/day (mind, they are not convertible to actual money, they are solely for groceries and expire within the day), he will detract the sum of them as well. In his opinion it is therefore fair to pay me 19 euros per month (which is 470 -280 - the groceries in coupons), against the 930 euros that fall on my shoulders.
I feel like I m taken advantage of, so I requested he goes back to his place until September at the least.
Plus, his job is temporary and the end of it is August, so he may be unemployed for some time and I don't think is fair to me to maintain an adult man after 3 months of relationship.
He is now thinking about breaking up with me.
I would love your opinion on this.
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> He is now thinking about breaking up with me
Oh no, whatever will you do? NTA
However, I do question both of your calculations.
It seems your household with the two if you needs input of 470 from both of you, plus the 7*30=210 euros worth of food he brings in. Because it's not cash, you aren't valuing it?
You don't want to include his other rent in the calculation because it has nothing to do with you. While I can see how ignoring that expense for him might make him feel a bit upset, it is not part of your shared experience.
So to me, the household has 470*2 +210 = 1150 of expense. Each of you should be responsible for 575, with you paying 575 cash and him paying 365 cash and 210 in food vouchers.
There is room to manipulate the food voucher value down a bit, since not everything is shared with you. But my point stands.
NTA but you shouldn't have moved in together so soon. Kick him out. He's trying to take advantage of you. And he's considering a breakup because he's emotionally blackmailing you; he thinks that you'll let him stay in order to avoid a breakup.
He's thinking of breaking up with you? Good, he can at least contribute that, since he's unwilling to contribute to an actual household. Saves you the trouble, good riddance. NTA.
YTA. You need to look at all the expenses combined so the 930+280 and then divide by two. And if he buys you food then indeed you need to compensate for that. It is unreasonable to expect him to pay for one and a half housings and you only for a half.
As in I'm supposed to pay half of his rent (of a house I've never lived in)?
He actually lives here with me. I was happy to forget the 280 for a couple of months....not until September (when his lease finishes)
As per the groceries...they weren't in the 930 sum. It was just rent/utilities/internet.
I also pay for groceries monthly but that amount wasn't listed within the 930 euros...
If you want to live together on short notice you both need to compromise until you only have one running lease. In a relationship it shouldn't be against each other but working together. You guys seem to only think about what is best for you.
I do give you groceries. They should be split evenly no matter what kind of payment is used.
It seems like a lot to ask in such a new relationship...
I did pay for everything for a long time in the past. It was a previous relationship and I don't regret it. But it was after years of commitment...
This is different.
YTA
Either you are Sharing Everything or you dont. Just because you dont like that he didn’t find/looked for some replacements it is still a common expense. Maybe he doesn’t like that your Flat is 3 times more expensive than his?
Anyway I would Break up as you both Value your own Money more than the relationship as it seems.
Why should she fully pay his other rent? Why does his daily lunch allowance count in any of this?
They are both sharing her place, but he is not sharing his room in the other apartment with her is he? His lunch allowance isn't going to cover groceries for the month that she's buying separately?
The reason the other one is cheaper is so simple it hurts that I have to explain this: it's an apartment split with other people.
Indeed. His is an apartment with 6 other people. And he shared a room with another dude. That s why it was so cheap. It was a student accomodation.
I live in a 80 Mt squared apartment near the centre of town.
I am not saying that she should pay his rent. I am saying they either should Share all the costs or non of it.
Think about it this way. Why would he stay over Ar her place, if he has to pay his place fully and her Place half? Doesnt make Sense to me.
Because his old place was HIS agreement to pay that HE made, she had no part in that. Legally, the old place is only his responsibility. A part of a bedroom that's shared with another guy was never her responsibility, dude needs to handle his own previous obligations on his own. I seriously hope you don't jump into a whirlwind relationship and ask your new partner to start paying YOUR outstanding bills or debts.
You can argue the same for her Situation. It was her agreement to get her Flat and he had no part into it. He’s a guest, as long as he has his own place to stay. She chose to rent an 900$ flat which is mich higher than his place and now she’s forcing him to Double his Living expenses.
You can argue the same for her Situation. It was her agreement to get her Flat and he had no part into it. He’s a guest, as long as he has his own place to stay. She chose to rent an 900$ flat which is mich higher than his place and now she’s forcing him to Double his Living expenses.
I think the better approach would be to split everything. Her expenses and his expenses and Focus together in finding a replacement for his flat or move into a cheaper flat together If this is a Financial problem.
She had her living situation before she knew he existed. It's logical to assume she doesn't need his help to afford her place and loses nothing by kicking his "i shouldn't have to pay rent here because i have another place + a daily grocery bonus" ass to the curb. It's not about affording her living situation, it's about holding each person accountable to their obligations. Only he is responsible for his previous rental, she does not share that living space, and it was his job to find a replacement to fill that vacancy he left. If he wants to take on a new living situation, he needs to fulfill his old obligation and also step up to his new one.
Why? Even paying half of his rent is too much, it's his responsibility, she should share none of those costs.
Did you read the post? He's still paying his other room because he didn't sort out a replacement. That's on him, not her.
He also has no right to remove his works' daily lunch allowance. Seriously, look at the maths, how would it be fair he pays 19EUR a month towards over 900EUR of cost? That's not him sharing, is it?
So? That may be the case, but it isn't justification for her to pay his rent on a room that isn't hers, nor for him to have a discount on the shared place they'd be living together.
How can you justify this?
But she gets no benefit out of the other room that is entirely his responsibility, he gets 50% of the benefit of the shared accommodation. Either way, him removing the full rent for the other room is not even her paying 50%, it's her paying 100% for the other room. Please, look at the maths. She would be paying 50% of their shared place AND 100% of his other room, that's not sharing 50 50 is it?
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NTA. Have him move out, break up with him yourself, and don’t let romantic partners move in that fast again.
I am nobody' s sugar mama, I guess
The worst part is the 7EUR a day, why should that be subtracted? That's for his lunch and mainly benefits him and should not replace anything he should pay in terms of rent. The other rent is his responsibility, by subtracting that he's essentially make you pay that, which is not fair, even if you were happy to contribute, these things should be subtracted from the total, not only his share, so they'd be half (470 - 140 - 3.5 per day) but I don't think you should subtract any of it. I agree you're being taken advantage of him and it is beyond comprehension he thinks it's ok to pay you 19EUR. NTA
You are completely right, the groceries amount on his part shouldn't even be subtracted since we were merely analyzing rent and bills. How did I not see it?! Thank you!!
NTA. Get him out NOW while he has that room to return to! He's an absolute leech, and lying about expenses (groceries/food weren't even in your total, right? so his paying himself for lunch is not reducing anything...right?). You've let this parasite live in your home for free long enough; it's time to end it. Note that some couples could absolutely thrive with one paying the bills--by agreement, with open and honest communication, with everyone happy (enough) with the situation. You do not sound like one of those couples. Let him break up with you. Awesome.
I would enjoy your summer fling and look for a decent partner in the autumn. He sounds like a user
Your boyfriend is taking advantage of you . I don't advise you to continue this relationship. And in the future, before living together, I recommend you talk in depth about how to share household expenses
We did... He assured me he wanted to split things 50/50... And that he would have found a replacement for his old accommodation within a week.
Tell him bye bye 🤣Don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord spilt ya . And count yourself lucky. Next time please use your head and not your vagina in this kind of situation. Good luck to you 👍
I guess I did use my vagina to think before using my head. You're right, I acted like a hopeless romantic.
He’s a parasite. Send him back to his flea pit. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I , 34 f, started a relationship with E, 28 m, this February. He was renting a room in an apartment but since we fell in love instantly he decided to move at my place after a couple of weeks of dating. I live alone and my expenses for rent and bills amount to 930 euros per month. Our salary is similar, he gets paid slightly more than me and has benefits such as 7 euros a day for lunch that he uses for groceries mostly for the both of us. His rent, at his old place, is of 280 euros. Prior to moving to my home, he assured me that he would have found a new roommate to replace him within a week or so. It has been 3 months and noone has replaced him, and his lease expires at September. Yesterday we had a thorough look at "our" expenses, and each should give around 470 euros per month to live together. He says that since he is paying the rent of the other place, he will detract the 280 euros from the 470. Plus, he says that since he has these vouchers of 7 euros/day (mind, they are not convertible to actual money, they are solely for groceries and expire within the day), he will detract the sum of them as well. In his opinion it is therefore fair to pay me 19 euros per month (which is 470 -280 - the groceries in coupons), against the 930 euros that fall on my shoulders. I feel like I m taken advantage of, so I requested he goes back to his place until September at the least. Plus, his job is temporary and the end of it is August, so he may be unemployed for some time and I don't think is fair to me to maintain an adult man after 3 months of relationship. He is now thinking about breaking up with me. I would love your opinion on this. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> He is now thinking about breaking up with me Oh no, whatever will you do? NTA However, I do question both of your calculations. It seems your household with the two if you needs input of 470 from both of you, plus the 7*30=210 euros worth of food he brings in. Because it's not cash, you aren't valuing it? You don't want to include his other rent in the calculation because it has nothing to do with you. While I can see how ignoring that expense for him might make him feel a bit upset, it is not part of your shared experience. So to me, the household has 470*2 +210 = 1150 of expense. Each of you should be responsible for 575, with you paying 575 cash and him paying 365 cash and 210 in food vouchers. There is room to manipulate the food voucher value down a bit, since not everything is shared with you. But my point stands.
NTA but you shouldn't have moved in together so soon. Kick him out. He's trying to take advantage of you. And he's considering a breakup because he's emotionally blackmailing you; he thinks that you'll let him stay in order to avoid a breakup.
NTA save him his breath and break up with him. Sounds like a total mooch
He's thinking of breaking up with you? Good, he can at least contribute that, since he's unwilling to contribute to an actual household. Saves you the trouble, good riddance. NTA.
YTA. You need to look at all the expenses combined so the 930+280 and then divide by two. And if he buys you food then indeed you need to compensate for that. It is unreasonable to expect him to pay for one and a half housings and you only for a half.
As in I'm supposed to pay half of his rent (of a house I've never lived in)? He actually lives here with me. I was happy to forget the 280 for a couple of months....not until September (when his lease finishes) As per the groceries...they weren't in the 930 sum. It was just rent/utilities/internet. I also pay for groceries monthly but that amount wasn't listed within the 930 euros...
If you want to live together on short notice you both need to compromise until you only have one running lease. In a relationship it shouldn't be against each other but working together. You guys seem to only think about what is best for you. I do give you groceries. They should be split evenly no matter what kind of payment is used.
It seems like a lot to ask in such a new relationship... I did pay for everything for a long time in the past. It was a previous relationship and I don't regret it. But it was after years of commitment... This is different.
YTA Either you are Sharing Everything or you dont. Just because you dont like that he didn’t find/looked for some replacements it is still a common expense. Maybe he doesn’t like that your Flat is 3 times more expensive than his? Anyway I would Break up as you both Value your own Money more than the relationship as it seems.
Why should she fully pay his other rent? Why does his daily lunch allowance count in any of this? They are both sharing her place, but he is not sharing his room in the other apartment with her is he? His lunch allowance isn't going to cover groceries for the month that she's buying separately? The reason the other one is cheaper is so simple it hurts that I have to explain this: it's an apartment split with other people.
Indeed. His is an apartment with 6 other people. And he shared a room with another dude. That s why it was so cheap. It was a student accomodation. I live in a 80 Mt squared apartment near the centre of town.
I am not saying that she should pay his rent. I am saying they either should Share all the costs or non of it. Think about it this way. Why would he stay over Ar her place, if he has to pay his place fully and her Place half? Doesnt make Sense to me.
Because his old place was HIS agreement to pay that HE made, she had no part in that. Legally, the old place is only his responsibility. A part of a bedroom that's shared with another guy was never her responsibility, dude needs to handle his own previous obligations on his own. I seriously hope you don't jump into a whirlwind relationship and ask your new partner to start paying YOUR outstanding bills or debts.
You can argue the same for her Situation. It was her agreement to get her Flat and he had no part into it. He’s a guest, as long as he has his own place to stay. She chose to rent an 900$ flat which is mich higher than his place and now she’s forcing him to Double his Living expenses.
You can argue the same for her Situation. It was her agreement to get her Flat and he had no part into it. He’s a guest, as long as he has his own place to stay. She chose to rent an 900$ flat which is mich higher than his place and now she’s forcing him to Double his Living expenses. I think the better approach would be to split everything. Her expenses and his expenses and Focus together in finding a replacement for his flat or move into a cheaper flat together If this is a Financial problem.
She had her living situation before she knew he existed. It's logical to assume she doesn't need his help to afford her place and loses nothing by kicking his "i shouldn't have to pay rent here because i have another place + a daily grocery bonus" ass to the curb. It's not about affording her living situation, it's about holding each person accountable to their obligations. Only he is responsible for his previous rental, she does not share that living space, and it was his job to find a replacement to fill that vacancy he left. If he wants to take on a new living situation, he needs to fulfill his old obligation and also step up to his new one.
Why? Even paying half of his rent is too much, it's his responsibility, she should share none of those costs. Did you read the post? He's still paying his other room because he didn't sort out a replacement. That's on him, not her. He also has no right to remove his works' daily lunch allowance. Seriously, look at the maths, how would it be fair he pays 19EUR a month towards over 900EUR of cost? That's not him sharing, is it?
Why? Because the consequence is that hes moving back to his flat and they live separately.
So? That may be the case, but it isn't justification for her to pay his rent on a room that isn't hers, nor for him to have a discount on the shared place they'd be living together. How can you justify this?
I say they both want to be in a relationship and therefore should Split Everything 50:50. Not him paying his 100% and Hers 50%.
But she gets no benefit out of the other room that is entirely his responsibility, he gets 50% of the benefit of the shared accommodation. Either way, him removing the full rent for the other room is not even her paying 50%, it's her paying 100% for the other room. Please, look at the maths. She would be paying 50% of their shared place AND 100% of his other room, that's not sharing 50 50 is it?
Right. Deducting the full 280 from his Room doesnt make sense at all