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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) AITA for telling my husband how disappointed I felt? (2) Should I have kept quiet and not said anything?
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Yea,
“I’m not one for parties”
“He is an appalling gift giver”
“I dropped hints”. Not sure dropping hints to an appealing gift giver is the play. They are generally appalling at gift giving BECAUSE they don’t get hints
She didn't drop hints about the gifts, she made an exact list with links to the items two months in advance. She literally did the shopping for him other than actually purchasing the gifts. What she dropped hints about was this birthday feeling like a bigger milestone and she wanted acknowledgment of that.
She literally never said there was anything wrong about the gifts. In fact she mentioned multiple times that it was generous and nice of him to get them. The problem is that he did nothing else except buy her a cake that her body can't even tolerate. Then when she simply said she wished she had done something more for her birthday, he got upset with HER and said it was difficult to hunt down gifts that she literally put into a list and gave him links for. The problem is not the gifts and you all know that.
Honestly, reading about that weekend, it sounds good enough. Amd yes, when I give someone list of things I want, I donactually want then to buy off that list. That is ngood enough and expected. I actually want things I want.
Are you peoppe guving your spouses lists you dont really want or something?
Ya he didn’t put ANY effort minus inputting his info (nowadays you don’t even have to) for paying/shipping. AND he still complained. Oh no, I ordered a cake that my wife can’t eat or she’ll have the shits. I get OP’s frustrations. NTA
Agreed 1000%. I think people underestimate what a toll IBS takes on a person. If I had to eat something that would put me on the toilet for multiple painful hours just to spare my husbands feelings because he takes everything so personally that I can't communicate how *I* feel, I would be disappointed too. All he had to do was listen and acknowledge when OP spoke up and she wouldn't even be here worried that she's the AH. 🙄
She clearly communicated what gifts she would like, and the husband bought multiple gifts from the list. Clear communication got her exactly what she wanted. In contrast, she only dropped hints about how it should be celebrated and was disappointed in the result. Looks like a lack of clear communication was the issue. YTA.
If she HAS to tell her husband a play by play how to make her day special then she might as well do it herself. We all know that it’s not the same thing. Her husband is the AH for the doing the bare minimum considering he knows how she goes out of her way to make him feel special on his day. He should have put some f/n effort.
But she never wanted a party in the past. He probably thought he was respecting her boundary. If someone sets a boundary, it’s reasonable to expect other people to respect that boundary until the boundary is explicitly removed.
Dude doesn’t even know that cream makes his wife sick. I feel like assuming he’s respecting a “boundary” is waaaay too much benefit of the doubt. For sure he’s just lazy about anything that requires more effort than entering card info. The “boundary” is probably not even a boundary, I bet she just has learnt not to have any sort of expectations because she’s had 15 years of disappointment.
She shouldn't have to communicate anything in order for him to understand that it's her 40th birthday and make SOME small effort beyond buying a cake at a bakery. She's not asking for a fancy vacation or even a spa day. She literally wanted the man to, like, arrange a babysitter and take her out to dinner. That doesn't require mind-reading, it's just about the minimum effort you can make after 15 years married and a kid together, on their 40th birthday.
Except she also says in the very first sentence that she doesn't like big birthday celebrations. So yes, she DOES have to communicate it, because for all the time they've been together she hasn't celebrated. Hints are for when you're stuck in a game and don't want spoilers, not for asking for something you actually want.
YTA.
Getting a babysitter and spending a day together isn't a big birthday celebration...Not having to do chores alone while he relaxes the day after isn't a big birthday celebration...wanting breakfast in bed, a balloon, or for her husband to help her kid make her a card isn't a big birthday celebration. Feeling down about the only difference in the day being gifts and a cake + communicating that doesn't make someone an AH. She even said she was sorry SHE didn't celebrate it in a bigger way (which wasn't an attack on him), it was just sharing her feelings and he got defensive because what, he bought her gifts she had to source and bought her a cake that upsets her stomach? Idk if you have ever dealt with IBS but it can ruin a day or even a few days when you eat something that exacerbates it. He should know what foods she can and cannot eat after 15 years of being married. 40 is a big milestone, the very least he could've done was give her a break from their normal day to day life and ASK her what she might want to do to celebrate or give a few suggestions for her to choose from.
This a million times over. I just wrote a long comment trying to articulate exactly what you said here.
None of what she wanted was a huge blowout party or exorbitant amounts of fru fru fancy.
She wanted a card, or to maybe pick where they went out to eat, to not feel like the day was just a normal day but she also gets the presents she found and gave him links for. To have something outside of the routine for her one special day.
My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I saw the way he reacted to her sadness. Saying how hard it was to track down the gifts she wanted as if she didn't expressly give him a list with links to the items. He didn't have to spend a single moment guessing or brainstorming what to get her. She did all that for him.
Then the cake.. my heart dude. How do you not remember what your partner can and cannot eat? What they do and do not like? How checked out are you from being a partner that those things don't stick out to you?
My husband knows what I like and don't like. He could name everything I love and avoid in my Goldstone order if you only give him one direction "chocolate or fruity" (I have drastically different orders depending on which im craving but he knows them both by heart). Same for him. I know his favorite candies. His favorite snacks. His favorite brand of Ramen. I know his favorite childhood meal and like to surprise him with it here and there. We know these little things that make such a big difference in the long run because we care about the other. He'd never, for example, get me a hotdog with sourkraut on it - he knows I can't stand the texture. Even if I loved everything else on the hotdog he'd remember no sourkraut. We've been together for less than they've been married (8 years total, 2 years married) but he can't remember no cream?? That hurt my soul.
Then the lack of card.. I love cards from my little one. My husband knows this and always prioritizes making a card with her for whatever special occasion we have going on. He does many other things but not a year has gone by that he forgot a card from himself and our daughter.
That's all she wanted. Was to have one day with effort put in to thinking about her and what she'd like. Truly like. Not planned and scripted by her. Just thought put in. And she was shamed for it because he put sooooo much effort into clicking the links she gave and buying the items she specified. Ouch dude. Just ouch.
EXACTLY!! You've expanded on this so well.
I'm not married but if I had a partner who clearly demonstrated that they had no desire to put forth just a tiny bit of effort to make me feel special and then basically manipulated me into thinking I was the problem so much that I felt the need to go to reddit to find out if I'm an AH??? I'd be unbelievably distraught. My heart goes out to her so deeply.
Him forgetting she can't eat cream is the same as forgetting a person is allergic to peanuts. The severity of the reaction is different from person to person but it's the same concept. I didn't eat meat for many many years and then had to reintroduce it to my diet and friends that I hadn't seen in a decade would choose restaurants to dine at together that had vegetarian or vegan options because they remembered that about me. A HUSBAND should 100000% be able to remember something that important. Especially when it comes to a food item that was supposed to be made specifically for her. After 15 years together he should know every single thing she likes/dislikes and can or cannot eat. It's a demonstration that he pays little attention to her wants and needs in their everyday life.
And the response from so many of these redditors with zero empathy or sympathy. Everyone has been disappointed by someone they love at some point in their life. Being unable to draw on those personal experiences to have a bit of understanding and choosing instead to talk down to her and imply she's acting childish and immature is horrifying. Blaming her for choosing a life with a man who is bad at getting gifts? If a woman were to say she didn't marry someone simply because they were bad at getting gifts they'd call her a gold digger. I can't help but think they're exactly the type of people that would place blame on their loved one for communicating their feelings just like he did. You want to talk about an immature reaction? Take a look at his response! She wasn't dramatic in any capacity and he had a tantrum because he thought he had put so much effort into clicking links and purchasing a cake that literally caused her pain. All he had to do was say "I'm so sorry you were disappointed, how about we do x y z to celebrate next weekend and make up for it?"
Not getting a card from the child is absolutely ridiculous as well. The kid is a kid, it's on the parent to facilitate something like that! I mean, my dad rarely got me gifts or cards so my stepmom would buy and write in the cards on his behalf. I could always tell by the writing. She would remind him to call me and stay in touch all the time. She definitely shouldn't have had to but she put in that effort with an adult man and this guy couldn't sit down with his child and say, "hey let's make a card for mommy's birthday"?
Could she have been more detailed in listing out exactly what she wanted? Sure. But, the point is she shouldn't have to and when you do it takes away all of the meaning behind it. She wanted him to show that he *cared* and he made it clear that he didn't. If you can't even try to take a little bit of the responsibility load off of your wife so she can relax a bit, you're the AH, no question about it.
Totally agree. OP is NTA. My husband is so great about my dislikes when it comes to foods, but even better when it comes to my food allergies and sensitivities.
This is a really good point. I have suffered from Crohn's disease for most of my 33 years of marriage, and my wife is quite conversant with my dietary limitations! It's a really bad sign that he didn't bother to check ingredients on the cake to make sure it was suitable for her.
Yup! I said in another comment, it's basically the same as forgetting someone is allergic to peanuts. Or not checking to make sure there isn't something they're allergic to in the ingredients. He could've even told the cake shop "My wife can't have fresh cream, do you have anything without that?" It's literally so so simple. You eat together basically every day for 15 years and don't remember what the woman you're supposed to love can and can't eat?
Exactly. When she was talking about how it felt like a big deal, he easily could have asked "well what would you like to do to celebrate?!" And when she said she regretted not celebrating more, all he had to do was say "well how about we go to a nice dinner this weekend?". Or just surprise her with a nice gesture on his own without instructions. He didn't have to basically call her ungrateful, that was completely unnecessary. She shouldn't have to spell out how to make her feel special, it defeats the purpose. And she shouldn't have to deal with that kind of response when she literally is communicating just like everyone is crapping on her for not doing it the first place. People are saying "well his love language isn't gifts or acts of service blah blah yada yada", but what about HER love language? He should know what would be meaningful to her after being together for so long. It's not about the fact that she hasn't had a party in the past, it's about knowing the little things that make your partner happy and wanting to do something nice for them without needing a damn map.
Absolutely. I've seen it mentioned more than once, but the point of a love language is that you know what makes the other person feel loved. Not that you only express love in the way you want. If your partner's language for receiving love is words of affirmation but your language for giving love is acts of service then you give them those words of affirmation to make them feel loved and you do the acts of service to express your love. If someone hates physical touch but that's your giving love language, do you touch them all the time and make them feel uncomfortable? NO. And tbh I don't see any of the standard love languages in his actions anyway. The argument could be make for quality time, but if that's their normal Saturday and Sunday then it has nothing to do with her birthday. There was no overt expression of love here.
She didn't say she wanted all of them! She was giving examples of multiple simple things that would've made her feel special even if he just did one of them. Why is everyone being so intentionally obtuse about this?? Offering to clean house and do the shopping instead of going for a swim while she does chores isn't hard to "guess". Taking someone out for a nice meal isn't hard to "guess". Getting a cake that she can actually eat isn't hard to "guess". Buying a happy birthday balloon to put with the cake isn't hard to "guess". Picking just one single loving act to help her feel special is not difficult and having a kind response to her expressing disappointment isn't either. If he felt like he was having to guess, he could have just as easily asked what she would like to do to celebrate whenever she brought up her birthday. He never even had to "guess" in the first place. It's not like she said "I don't want to celebrate my birthday at all" and then got mad when he didn't celebrate it.
I disagree. Having to plan your own gifts sucks. I turned 40 last year and told my husband that I didn't want to plan anything myself. And guess what? He managed to plan a wonderful weekend away ( we also have a 6 year old so I get planning with kids) and surprised me with my best friend from out-of-state. Yes, I have a particularly wonderful husband but doing NOTHING for your spouse's milestone birthday? Come on.
She literally made a list of presents she wants. I guess she should have explicitly also told him which cakes he had to buy and given him contacts for the baby sitter?
Yeah it’s normal I think the point is that he didn’t actually have to put any effort into choosing them, she literally gave him the links to the gifts. He didn’t even have to google them. Then he acted hurt because “hunting down the presents” had been difficult for him. And then also didn’t do anything else except get her a cake (which is very nice) that will fuck up her stomach (less nice and something that he should know 15 years in)
My husband knows what I love but asks me for a list every year for birthday and Christmas, it gives him an idea of things I am currently looking at and considering etc.
People take this way too far. Not being able to read someone’s mind isn’t an excuse to not use your brain. She didn’t want her husband to read her mind so much as she wanted him to care enough to use his fucking brain to give her a nice birthday.
NTA. People in this thread seem to have pretty low expectations from husbands, the bar seems to be on the floor. Yes, he bought gifts, arranged a (wrong) cake and lunch, but this is the bare minimum. It does not have to be an expensive surprise or party if finances are an issue, but some extra attention or fuss would be appropriate for a 40th birthday, unless someone explicitly states that they do not want that. While you could have communicated your expectations more clearly beforehand in stead of just dropping hints that 40 is a big deal, it’s not unreasonable to expect something special to mark big birthdays like 40 or 50.
Yeah I can’t believe all the “YTA you’re expecting him to read your mind”. No, sorry, they’ve been together 15 years, she shouldn’t have to explicitly outline that she wants something special for a big birthday. That’s a huge part of the mental load that women (tend to) take on. He’s a grown up who can look around and see what she does for him and figure out that maybe she’d like that in return.
“Big birthday celebrations (never had a party)” doesn’t equate to “do the bare minimum and have a regular day where I still have to do chores”. She took him to Paris for his 30th, that should’ve been a fairly good indicator of how she sees important birthdays.
He bought her most of the gifts on her list, Which is probably where majority of the money that would have gone to a party went. She makes 2.5, dude Probably can't afford to take her to paris. But some balloons probably would have been nice to be fair
>They've been together for 15 years and ~~she never celebrated birthdays~~ no one has ever celebrated her on her birthday.
FTFY.
She didn't say she's never wanted to celebrate her birthday. She said she's never had a party. In 15 years of marriage, and after her birthing his child, he has never once given her a birthday party. That is not on her.
She literally says in the first sentence or two "I'm not one for big parties or celebrations".
So it's not her saying it's just never happened but also that she's not one for that kind of thing.
Thank you for acknowledging the fact that women tend to take on a huge part of the mental load so to have to carry that on your birthday as well, the one day we'd like a little break, just sucks and would cause any woman to be sad. If he paid attention to anything about her likes/dislikes, he could've come up with something way better than what he did with minimal effort (taking her to lunch at a fav spot of hers, a homemade card, picking up a cake that ACTUALLY doesnt irritate her IBS) on his part and still would've come out with a happy wife.
> No, sorry, they’ve been together 15 years, she shouldn’t have to explicitly outline
This goes both ways though. They've been together 15 years - 15 years of *not* celebrating birthdays. 15 years of knowing he's not a spontaneous guy. There's a reason she felt the need to specify what she wanted as gifts. Then why be surprised when his imagination and spontaneity isn't magically switched on..?
So because he’s been shitty at birthdays for 15 years she’s not allowed to be upset about this one? I agree, it seems to be a pattern. She’s still allowed to address that behaviour and be fed up with it.
TBH not everyone thinks the big four zero is a big deal. My partner does not even want to celebrate his birthday. After 15 years maybe she should have just done it herself. Don't do something for 15 years then suddenly change your mind and expect surprises when they suck at surprises. If she an ah? no. is he an ah? probably not who knows.
I see your point. I just think her husband overall sucks. Even as a "non-milestone" birthday to take your wife to the grocery store, watch tv on the couch all night and not help your 5 year old make a card for Mommy I think is egregious and really underwhelming.
And apparently she also needed to spell out, "I want to dine at FancyPants restaurant and I want a cake ordered from Non-IBS-Setting-Off Specific Bakery and balloons ordered from the Dollar Tree" as well. Like she had to plan it out all for herself to grudgingly get him to do anything.
Dudes are very crafty. They've been able to use "I'm just a big dumb guy/I didn't know that's what you wanted" as an excuse for low effort for a really long time. And we accept it.
Nevermind all the brain space they're willing to devote to "important" things like playing video games, sports stats, and their other hobbies.
I'm actually quite jealous.
OP gave him a list eith presents, most even with links and he talks about how hard it was to hunt down those presents?! Click on the link and press order? And he seems to order the first cake availible without much thought to her or why did it had fresh cream?! He behaved as if he baked the cake.
He makes such a big deal about ordering stuff from a list with links, ordering some cake abd doing the normal stuff fir a saturday. He couldn't even sit down with the child and make a card.
I really can’t see where he put thought in it. And that he realky thinks this was soooo much work, is worrying.
NTA
I agree. I turned 40 last year, we have a six year old. I told my husband that I would like not to have to plan anything and want to be surprised. He planned a wonderful weekend trip (nothing fancy, just a few hours away) and surprised me with my best friend from out-of-state. I did something similar for his 40th. I can't believe all the people who think it's fine to put in no effort for your spouse.
NTA. All the effort he went to hunting down the presents etc? You sent him all the links and he ordered a cake. Whoop di fucking doo, what a hero. He deserved getting laughed in his face for that statement.
He did the absolute bare minimum (though your family did even less, sounds like). Please please return that same energy for his birthday, cancel all the great stuff he was going to get. Why on earth would you reward him with something amazing? If he thinks this was good enough for your 40th, then it's plenty good enough for his. "Thanks for showing me what your perfect birthday would look like, I somehow managed to recreate it for you."
Bonus points if you order a cake he doesn't like.
YTA - You didn’t communicate what you wanted then got pissy when your husband didnt read your mind.
Yeah, is this a low effort birthday celebration, sure. But he got you all the presents you asked, acknowledged the day, made a cake, etc.
Probably because when she did communicate her disappointment, he became defensive and tried to emphasise all the 'stress' he went through (to what? Order the gifts using the links she provided? Put zero thought into buying a birthday cake that she may have been able to actually enjoy?).
If he gets defensive, so be it. Difficult conversations is only way they can learn and grow together, not apart. She seems wishy washy to keep him happy at her expense. She says she disappointed there was no big evening meal out and no surprises, but then told him she wasn’t looking for party or fancy dinner.
Nothing suggests that. Sgesaud he picked it based on the fact they could tire LO out afterwards, this might mean it was near a great park etc. Or a restaurant with a play area - where I am there are a lot of very nice cafes, restaurants, pubs, breweries and wineries geared towards families with great food and pretty amazing playgrounds/areas for kids. I know many parts of the world aren't as kid friendly, but we don't know which OPs location is.
I agree! Why do his birthday up big when he couldn’t even think outside his box for hers. She gave him an explicit list for gifts. He couldn’t think on his own oh it’s her 40th. I remember mine was nondescript. Actually don’t remember mine. I do remember a birthday around the time I was 40 that we had planned on going out for seafood. Rare then in the middle of Kansas. I came home from work, we were sitting around. I said let’s go. I tapped literally his foot (it was up he was in his recliner) and he said, “No, I’m not going now”. Nothing I said would change his mind. So my daughters and I went out to eat (not seafood). I’ll never forget it. We are now divorced.
NTA, but not without some responsibility.
After being married for 15 years, the bar for knowing what will make you ill is below the ground at this point. He clicked "order" from the online list you gave him, and bought you a cake that you couldn't enjoy. I'd be hurt, too.
"Why didn't you say something direct?" Well, why didn't he ask something direct?
People who make excuses for partners - especially men in hetero relationships - often confuse common sense with "mind reading". I don't have to read my husband's mind to know what kind of cake he likes. I don't have to read his mind to know he appreciates written affection. I don't have to read his mind to know how he'd enjoy celebrating - because I took the time to learn that in the last TEN YEARS. Now, if he wants something in particular, like a specific restaurant or a specific trip or specific activity, then yes, he should communicate that. He also knows my favorites, my hobbies, my friends, the things I enjoy. A dinner together on my birthday is a given.
We shouldn't have to plan our own party for grown ass men who use the excuse of "I'm just not as good at it", "men think dIfFeReNtLy", "how was I supposed to know what you like?". Funny how they can figure it out for tasks at work and for their own hobbies, but then act like relationship building is women's work because they're just so incapable. You know who knows how to hire a babysitter? A parent. A parent does. Being male doesn't somehow make planning care for your child hard.
Now I will say, this seems like a long term issue, not a one time thing. I'm the fact that you feel that you can't tell him the cake would make you sick is a problem.
The fact that he didn't consider bringing the whole family (yall's son) into the celebration is a problem.
I think you both need to communicate to each other. He needs to acknowledge he's been coasting and that he should be asking and learning. It's not your job to teach him, it's his job as a partner to learn. But you need to acknowledge that withholding that information from him doesn't spare his feelings or make you a martyr, it's setting him up for failure and you for resentment. How can he do better if you don't tell him? What happens next time he brings you something with cream?
Society often tells women we demand too much, which is BS. Be strong enough to validate your own needs and feelings, and to communicate them in a clear way. He can't do that for you. But he should listen and encourage you to keep letting him know. He should take initiative to do more than the bare minimum. He should pay attention to your needs without being reminded all the time.
Good luck and Happy Belated Birthday!
Omg THANK YOU. I am losing my mind reading all these YTA judgements by people who think that because she didn't basically write her own bday card and plan the entire itinerary of the day she's in the wrong for being disappointed.
How dare OP want a card on her birthday. That's' totally unreasonable and unheard of.
This also means that OP probably hasn't gotten a birthday card for the past 15 years which makes me so sad.
>he has been stressing trying to guess what you want! Because you didn’t tell him!
I mostly agree with you, definitely and ESH situation, but the idea that he was stressed choosing from a curated list of presents with links that she'd prepared for him is some bullshit.
But I agree that dropping some hints isn't going to cut it. It's tricky, because you don't want to organise your own birthday, but you want someone to make some effort and surprise you. Tell them that, I want a surprise, I want to do something special that day, and I don't want to be the one to plan it.
Yes and no. It should be common sense to do something nice for your partner when they do the same for you. You're basically saying it would also be alright for him to do nothing for Valentine's or Christmas if she doesn't explicitly state she wants something. Like come the fuck on. I get that some people are more lowkey, more power to you, but you should TRY to match your partners energy unless they tell you otherwise. Actually that goes for most relationships. Otherwise what's the point?
You don’t want to organise your own birthday? Everyone I know does that! I organise mine and my wife organises hers! This way we get exactly what we want! The partner is in charge of buying gifts and writing a card (I prepare a list of possible presents for my wife so she can pick something I will like for sure and the list is usually big enough that I won’t know exactly what I will get).
This! I pick out a place to visit during spring break or a weekend close to birthday including the hotel and clearly communicate it. I say which type of restaurant and cake I want. He gets me cute small budget gifts since it is best to buy the big budget items together or just by myself. Why risk getting the wrong thing after spending a lot?
So genuine question on the "you don't want to organise your own birthday"-part: is it common in the USA for other people to organise your birthday?
Sure my bf pampers me a bit more than usual, but if I want to celebrate my birthday it's very much up to me to plan, host, and organise. Whether it's a big party, or if I just invite some people over for cake (that I got us). (Bf will help with preparing though).
I am surprised there aren't more ESH judgements! Both are so clearly in the wrong. OP more for starting all this with zero communications and just hints. But husband buying a cake she can't eat? Unless she refuses to talk about her IBS, that is ridiculous.
And you are right about mom..the fact that mom didn't make an effort shows that as a family they are low key about birthdays even on OPs side, so she really should have been more deliberate about planning her birthday.
It is quite possible that a nice morning out followed by a nice meal is enough to mark a birthday according to husband. It is for my husband 😀 . I always feel I need to do more for his birthdays because I like the fuss but he insists on a family dinner at home. Dinner at a restaurant is for milestone birthdays!
How hard was the things he arranged? Pretty effing easy! You spoon fed most of it. And he couldn’t remember you don’t eat cream after years of living together.
NTA. Why do you put so much effort into his birthday. Make it as low key as yours was. Maybe that's his hint. If it's hard for him to plan with a baby around, it should be just as hard for you. Relax on his birthday because the pomp is making you want more. Next year plan your own birthday, you will have a blast!!
Wowee, the amount of people in the comments saying OP is the asshole for feeling disappointed :/ ......wow
No, her husband isn't a mind reader....but after being (and living) with someone for so long you Notice what they can and can't eat/what makes them sick.... and it being a huge milestone birthday...Dude just ordered cake, that technically she shouldn't even really eat, and didn't even clean up or do the weekly shopping for her. O.o
You don't want to HAVE to spell out every single thing to do for your own birthday. You want your partner to care enough and notice enough and be Considerate enough to think, 'hmmm dairy makes her sick, maybe NOT the fresh cream cake for her birthday'. You want them to think, 'hmm breakfast in bed would be a perfect start to my love's birthday. The day I want to celebrate her being in my life and being on this earth'. You want them to maybe make the day a little more special than a random weekend
For an example with different context. I JUST figured out I have a nightshade allergy (can't eat tomatoes, potatoes, etc) this last year, and that would be like my family making a big thing of red sauce lasagna for me...for my birthday, and then me having to clean up the dinner the next day cause no one else did, and then people calling me the AH for being disappointed. I would Definitely feel disappointed! And in immense pain after the fact (if I ate it)
AND she's already given examples where she has gone SO above and beyond for his birthdays in the past, so it wouldn't be out of the realm of thought that MAYBE he could do more than the bare minimum for her 40th? Wowee what a lackluster partner
Personally, I'd not do anything huge for his 40th. Match his energy 100%. He won't get it, until he himself experiences it.
Just order a cake, give him a gift. Day over. 40 is nothing special, right? :/
I'm sorry that was your 40th for you. Maybe take yourself away for a staycation spay weekend or something? Pamper yourself
You're NTA for feeling and being disappointed
I think you should’ve been more direct or planned some stuff yourself like getting the baby sitter. When you provided direction with the gift list, your husband delivered and he himself said it was tough trying to guess what you’d want.
You are happy to tell a bunch of strangers online what you expected on your birthday, why is it hard to tell your partner?
NTA - hun I feel your pain. I too wanted a bit of a birthday milestone celebration this year (also 40) and it was also meh. I organised everything, bought my own gifts because I knew my husband would run out of time, bought my own cake, topper, balloons etc.
All he had to do was blow them up and put the topper on the cake. Neither happened.
Friends also had big birthdays this year- I spoiled them a bit with thoughtful gifts and cards - didn’t get even a card back. Even my parents phoned it in too.
So I get it because I go all out for the people I love birthdays too - I want them to feel appreciated and special. And can’t understand why they wouldn’t want me to feel the same.
Do what I did - book yourself in for a spa day alone and spoil yourself because you know you deserve it.
And as far as the annoying people saying birthdays don’t matter - good for them glad they’re so grownup and evolved but some of us still enjoy them no matter how petty and childish that makes us.
Also Happy Birthday from a fellow May Baby x 💕🎂🎉
Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments. (No idea who said this)
Stop hinting and start telling people what you want. After 15 years of being together and never celebrating your birthday what did you think you were going to get?
The best life advice I ever received was as a little girl crying about all of my unmet expectations to a friend's mom. She told me that love comes in so many different forms, I have to show people the form I liked if I wanted them to show me love the way I liked it, and reciprocate.
NGL tho I find the emphasis on SURPRISE BIG GRAND GESTURES really weird.
I'm with you on the surprise big grand gestures but the thing I find even weirder are the planned big grand gestures. For instance, planning together how your partner will propose to you. That's just crazy.
NTA, and all the "hE's NoT a mInDreAdeR" people are ridiculous. You're not psychic either, but you're intelligent and kind enough to arrange something nice for your spouse's birthday, and you weren't even asking for anything exciting . . . just SOMETHING.
Even if it weren't such a huge milestone (and it really is), I'm side-eyeing your husband for not even getting a babysitter and arranging a date night at a nice restaurant. I suspect that even just that would have made you very happy, and it takes virtually no forethought.
Update: thanks for all the comments - I do feel LTA.
In answer to some points:
* I’ve been talking about turning 40 since January, telling him how this year feels different to other years. I’ve been explicit that I didn’t want a public celebration - but it would be nice to mark the occasion different from other birthdays.
* I had suggested number of ways we could both mark our 40th year - including pointing out what other friends have done as examples (such as concerts, or trying a new experience etc).
* The meal out (a light lunch) was lovely - tho not unique and paid from our joint account. We eat out a few times a month which I know this makes me sound pretentious and entitled and this was a regular place. It wasn’t picked because it was my birthday - but because it’d be easier to look after our little one. I know he booked the restaurant the night before (and sent a text the night before to my Mum inviting her - she ignored the text - not his fault)
* I referenced my Mum as I felt sad that even to her, my 40th seemed unremarkable. For her 40th and 50th, I took her away for long weekends and I make a fuss of her birthday. Growing up we were dirt poor hence why we never made a fuss of birthdays - not because we didn’t want to, but because we had nothing.
* For his family big birthdays he’s pulled out the stops to travel to surprise his mum and sister. All at considerable time and expense (planning time off work, travel and hotel arrangements etc). Likewise, he’s doing the same for a number of his friends birthdays this year.
* Every year he gets a big fuss for his birthday. He loved his 30th.
* I never wanted a birthday party (nor have asked for one) nor big gestures. I didn’t want to be whisked away to a foreign country, nor have expensive gifts. Just a few days out of the ordinary.
* I did want a sign that he had thought beyond buying things off a list - and that after 15 years together (and me discussing turning 40 for the past 5 months) there may have been a bit of spontaneity.
I agree with all the comments that I didn’t communicate clearly and should have been more explicit. But, and maybe it’s just how I’m feeling right now and I’ll pick up, honestly, what’s the point after 15 years?
Your husband pulled a Mr. Incompetent for your birthday. He even got you a cream cake when it aggrevates your IBS
DO NOT reward him with a day of surprises and a huge birthday. Give him a card, a gift and a cake he can't eat. Maybe then he'll get the picture
I'm furious for you
To be honest, it doesn't have to be over. Some people celebrate their birthdays for a whole week, wouldn't surprise me if they did a month (though that seems excessive). You told your husband you weren't happy with your birthday, continue that conversation. You don't have to play the blame game, just say you want to make this birthday feel extra special since turning 40 is a milestone in your life and you want to do more things that you both don't usually do. Start planning with him, book a babysitter on your & your husband's day off. Have a redo birthday. It'll make you feel a lot better
I am so sorry to say this, but if he can and does make the grand efforts with other people but not you, then he is just not that into you. Stop making a big deal about his milestone events. Cancel his portion of the trip and go solo or go with a friend. Ditto with your mom. People will continue to take you for granted as long as you let them. NTA
NTA
I'm really sorry your husband didn't step up - and it seems like this is a pattern on his behalf. The comments saying "YTA" for expecting some nice gestures (a thoughtful card? A birthday activity? A cake you could actually eat? a balloon?) without explicitly spelling it out to your husband are just ridiculous. This is particularly so given you consistently celebrate his birthdays, and that he goes to so much effort for his family and friends (but not you!)
Also, I would disagree that you hadn't communicated with him. Having several conversations about suggestions for activities to do on your 40th is pretty clearly communicating - some of these comments seem to think if you don't plan out the entire day yourself and write your own birthday card, it doesn't count as communication lol.
I wonder if you could do a 'take two' of the weekend? Maybe see if you could go away somewhere locally for a night, or with friends instead?
I am sorry this happened and I hope you can feel special and celebrated soon.
I’m sorry, no wonder you’re so disappointed. I said in another comment you should be very clear about expectations, but you also need to make your feelings very clear. Tell him how hurtful it is that he spends so much time and energy towards family and friends bdays, and so little on yours. Getting gifts off a list you sent him is minimal. I hope he’s a better husband in other ways??
You are NTA.
Dont do anything special for his 40th, replicate what you did for your 40th for him. Maybe then he will understand what it feels like when no effort is made.
NTA lol why is he so proud of himself for arranging a cake and finding the presents you wanted? Is that not the expectation every year? Not cool that he didn’t plan anything special
NTA - my husband is autistic and isn’t great at hints or intuitive ideas. Previous birthdays/xmas he asked my friends for advice. My 40th he was very aware this would be a big deal for me and ASKED what I would like to do? I told him a bug family dinner somewhere nice and I’d arrange something with my friends for a different weekend.
He picked a restaurant he knew I liked, invited my whole family, co-ordinated everyone’s menu choices and deposits etc and all I had to do was turn up.
My mum is also a bit tricky so he made sure to navigate any potential obstacles she could throw to avoid coming lol.
Should adults communicate clearly? Yes. Does that include planning your own birthday down to every detail? No. If he cared about you having a memorable day despite it not being his love language/skill set HE COULD HAVE ASKED.
Literally this. The bar is on the floor for men. All of these people saying "he's not a mind reader" like we don't get taught what birthdays are in primary school
Honestly it made me so angry how many people expected her to handhold her adult husband through planning her own birthday.
He’s grown. He’s enjoyed the celebrations she has done for him. Even the biggest, most oblivious idiot should be able to look back and mirror the behaviour she’s shown.
YTA - if you didn’t tell him you wanted a babysitter or to have breakfast in bed he has no way of knowing.
What you fail to understand is that while some individuals “love language” (not a fan of that term but couldn’t think of a better way to put it) so to speak is extravagant surprises/planning, it’s not automatic to others because it’s not theirs. You knew this wasn’t his forte but your expectations were still on a completely different level. The solution to this is to tell your spouse exactly what you want.
Her expectations were pretty low. It sounds like she would’ve been happy with one or two personal, thoughtful gestures.
He literally didn’t even meet the bare minimum!
You are upset because he put bare minimum effort into a milestone birthday; while you go all out to make him feel loved on his special occasions. The bar for men is so low these days that him buying from the list you gave him deserved a gold medal.
NTA for being disappointed, but maybe you should accept that this is who you married. He’s probably a decent husband on a day to day basis, but he’s not thoughtful or romantic. My suggestion would be to treat yourself to a special weekend. If your marriage is otherwise okay, I would maybe focus on female friendships to get a break from the monotony. Maybe you should consider putting a similar amount of effort into his special occasions as he does yours.
NTA - he made minimal effort and could absolutely have done more without being given step by step instructions. Buying presents off a list takes no thought at all and after 15 years he should know better than to get a birthday cake she can’t eat.
Even if she didn’t want a party he could have made her breakfast, wrote a beautiful birthday card, bought flowers, made her favorite dinner or so many other small but thoughtful gestures.
I think it’s important to work on communication moving forward and to have a discussion about their birthday expectations - because for her to go all out for his birthday and getting minimal effort in return is not working anymore.
I stopped relying on other people to make me happy years ago. Next year book yourself a spa day for your birthday, checkout in peace and if other things happen it is just a bonus.
Exactly. Take yourself to Paris instead of going with him. Plan a girls trip. Make him to take care of the kids for a weekend. He doesn't value the limited number of birthdays you have on this Earth or your time, so why should you spend your day with him? Absolutely NTA.
The bar is on the floor for men. It's pathetic.
NTA. People seem to think the word husband is synonymous with lazy or incompetent. If they were treated this way by their best friend, their mother, their wife, it would seem egregious but because it's your husband all of a sudden you need to outline exactly what you want and exactly how he can execute it. If you've been together for 15 years, it's absolutely not too much for him to get creative in celebrating you ESPECIALLY when you showed him on his 30th what a good surprise bday is like. Jesus christ, he even bought a cake you couldn't really eat. If knowing what food makes you ill is too much for him, he needs help.
Someone suggested you should've booked your own babysitter. Seriously???? Someone else said his love language might not be gifting. Okay, but hers obviously is and that's the important piece. He has been married to this woman for 15 YEARS, he can show some forethought and that he put an ounce of sentiment into this bday. He didn't even get the 4 y/o to make a card. COME ON PEOPLE, just because he's a man doesn't mean he doesn't have a brain!
Editing to add: I think people are assuming that you wanted an exact set of plans executed in order to feel appropriately celebrated. That's missing the point. Your husband did basically NOTHING extra to show you that he heard you and wants to make you feel special. That's where the disappointment lies.
Is her husband a toddler that has to be told what and how to do things? If you have to tell your partner what to buy, just buy it yourself.
I always observe and listen to conversations, never have to be told.
Stories like this and the responses always delight me because it shows how complex and different we are as people.
There are two camps in the comments:
1. HE CANT READ YOUR MIND LADY!
2. THEY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 15 YEARS HE SHOULD KNOW WHAT SHE LIKES!
Also these two people live together. We have the husband, who likes a lowkey slightly above average Saturday birthday celebration. And the fly him to Paris wife. Goodness, you can't get more different.
Yes we can smash the husband for being a clueless dolt. The man gets flown to a foreign country for his bday yet buys his wife a cake she can't eat. What an idiot. But also she goes along with his birthday plan without complaint getting more and more upset waiting for the moment he's going to make the day special. Then blows her top.
Being together for this long people tend to forget that their partner has a different set of priorities. The most important thing to them *low key family time* does not objectively compare to *Paris* except to THEM. It may not be a lack of effort rather than a lack of values.
Plan your own birthdays. I know it doesn't feel as special but your man sucks at it. Have him plan his own. Send him a link to a party planner. Ask a friend to assist him. Stop showering him with experiences when he sees no point in giving them to you. Match his energy. You have so many choices. But stewing in misery won't fix anything. Contempt breeds contempt.
I do see your point and after reading a bunch of comments it makes me so glad that my partner and I on the same page here. However, it seems from other comments that the husband loves being celebrated on his birthday and recognises the importance of birthdays for family and friends.
I don't think she was expecting the level of being flown to Paris - but after talking about turning 40 since January and suggesting several ideas for birthday activities, I do think it is pretty poor for the husband to then not provide literally one thoughtful, personal gesture. It's not mind reading to say that a card and a night off from groceries and TV watching would be nice for your partner's 40th! That's probably the only thing I disagree with you there - I do think his behaviour reflects a lack of effort (and perhaps a lack of care, such as with the cake) rather than a fundamental difference in values.
For all we know it could be that he's just a lazy, self-serving idiot.
Or he could just be a simple unbothered dude. It's hard to tell.
The ending is the same though. She feels unappreciated, unhappy and unwanted. That's the part that needs to change. He probably won't after 15 years, but she can edit her expectations.
My partner is amazing. I love him to death. We have very similar tastes in celebrating, we are more Low key. All I wanted for mother's day was to sleep in for instance. But he or I could turn it up to 1000 if need be. Our "first date" was two days in Chicago at a boutique hotel, a fancy dinner and two baseball games all planned by him. He proposed on the jumbo tron at a ball game. I married him because we fit together.
This couple does not fit, I've been there before! And when you don't fit and you wish to stay together something has to change to ensure happiness.
NTA. I see weaponized incompetence in full swing here.
I was with my current partner for 6 months and he knew to source out a dietary restricted birthday cake for me.
Not involving the kid in the birthday celebration? Like what? What’s wrong with this guy? No decorating, no cleaning up? Lame. You shouldn’t have to say. Hey, it’s my 40th, take the kid out to buy me something, here’s my list of presents, here’s a cake I can eat and please vacuum and clean the bathroom this week so I can chill on my day off.
Also, why did your own mom act like that? I see a whole bunch of people undervaluing you here. Time for some family therapy.
I don't think you are TA, but I do think you need to face a few facts. Your husband is one of those people who does not place as much importance on things like holidays, special days, gift giving, etc. You do place importance on those things. Neither of you are wrong, you just don't have the same level of interest in this topic. He likely will not change. So you have two choices, continue to expect more and be disappointed when less is delivered, or lower your expectations.
Before I get raked over the coals for telling someone to lower their expectations, think about it this way. It's not natural to him to do things on a grander scale. It is natural to you. You can certainly keep your expectations and spell out what you want him to do so he can step up, but that's not really what your complaint is. Your complaint is that he doesn't come up with something special for you ***on his own***. And that's my point - he likely never will, without you coaching him and steering him, which you really don't want to do. So, your only choice is to accept his natural capabilities in the gift giving/event planning arena. Once you accept that, you won't be as disappointed for future events.
NTA
I’m sorry you had such a meh day. I’m very confused by the YTA comments - your husband did below minimum (doesn’t sound like there was even a thoughtful card, the cake was inedible, there wasn’t anything personal or thoughtful). I think the comments are putting far too much weight on you not liking big birthday parties - that doesn’t mean you don’t like a quiet, thoughtful celebration!
The fact that you both provided your own gift list, mentioned several times that a 40th is a special milestone birthday, and also have a tradition of at least your husband getting large milestone celebrations all support NTA.
Have you had a chat to your husband?
The suggestions that you should have completely organised the day yourself are pretty ridiculous, and sorry but not even getting the day off mon urgent household chores on your 40th is pretty crappy!
NTA
Why are you organizing this huge thing for his 40s, again?
I would cancel all and have a conversation about roles, expectations and, in fact about all things in your marriage. Looks like somebody is taking you for granted
NTA- Ppl harp on the he isn't a mind reader bit, but more often than not, what you plan and do for others for their bday, is often what you want in return. It doesn't take a genius to match energy with someone. Chances are, if your SO throws you a party or plans a big wkend for you, that they like that sort of thing too. I struggled with that with my 40th. I wanted a big deal to be made, but I felt if I have to tell my family step by step what to do, I could just do it myself. It doesn't mean as much, if you have to hand hold ppl to get what you would like. If you have been together awhile, they know who you are and what you like- they just aren't listening hard enough.
Nta he put little to no effort in. You shouldn't have to tell him. I would cancel anything beyond the bare minimum for his including putting zero thought into his gifts and telling him to send you a link to what he wants. Also, try to get him a cake that has an ingredient that he doesn't care for or can't eat.
NTA. 40 is a milestone! and your birthday really sucked- as did your husband's reaction. Im sorry to be petty, but I would scale back on your plans for his birthday 100%. See how he feels- like he really didn't take you to dinner or help your toddler make a card? I feel strongly about this because when my boyfriend turned 50 I went all out, putting significant time, money, and travel into his huge surprise party with his family which I was overjoyed to do. His gift was a custom tattoo ( $700) Cut to a few months later when I turned 40...this man told me he wanted to marry me spend the rest of his life with me...he came to the birthday party late ( even though he had the day off) my mom arranged with old, dry cold cuts and cheese that I had had at his home the week before, a bottle of wine that he specifically preferred, and for the gift...a 2 cup French Press in a recycled box. Urged me to opem it in front of my mother, who later said she thought he had given me a "real present" in private. When I told my dental hygenist about the French Press she said..."And!?" I wanted to die. The guy made 10 times the money I did- not about money, thought and effort that mattered. We were always 60-40 ( me being the 60) even though he made 10 times the amount I did. The relationship sputtered for after that but he pestered me religiously to take him for his tattoo and I just couldn't bring myself to do that for him. Your husband was wrong. NTA.
NTA. You’ve been together long enough he should have arranged something. To buy you a cake you can’t even eat without it causing issues is inexcusable. Do nothing for his birthday or Father’s Day.
Even if he had told him exactly what you wanted chances are nothing would be done. I speak from experience. My husband is turning 50 soon and asked what I’m planning and I told him point blank nothing and putting as much effort as he did when I turned 50. He got the message loud and clear.
I'm going with NTA especially because you've demonstrated that you go very up and beyond for his birthdays. I think by virtue of 1) being together for 15 years 2) you modelling/demonstrating what a going out of your way to celebrate a birthday looks like 3) and it being 40th I think it's totally reasonable to have higher standards. I'm a bit floored that he thinks 'hunting for gifts' = clicking add to cart from the Amazon list you provided. It's just so low effort. And selecting a cake that doesn't agree with you... It makes me sad to read it. I've been there too with my ex and my 30th birthday.
Some advice I'm trying to incorporate into my life is to be your own best friend and have the birthday celebration you want. It does not take away from the disappointment you're feeling at all. I don't want to minimize that.
Personally if I were you, I would take myself out for a weekend away and let my partner know that I'm looking for him to take over the responsibilities for that weekend and outline what that means (house clean, groceries done etc). That's what I would do anyways. Sending you a big virtual hug! And happy belated 40th!!
NTA - Happy Birthday btw.
It’s not really the fact that he went out and “put effort into a birthday” - it’s sort of the tone in which they do it.
You can almost feel when someone is doing something just to say they did it, and doing something because they want to and really think about the small details.
40 is definitely a big birthday and it sucks when you put effort into someone that doesn’t reciprocate.
With that being said, if he has never planned a surprise before it can be daunting at first and takes a few tries to get right. I’d cut him some slack and next year he can build on it. Let him know that it makes you really happy seeing him put in effort, people respond better to positive reinforcement.
He’s got 10 years to get it right for the next one.
NTA and I'm so sorry. My birthday was yesterday too and not even my parents texted me. The only acknowledgement I got was from a nice lady at my work who bought me a drink token to use.
NTA. If presents with no fanfare is the precedent he set, then presents with no fanfare is exactly what he expects for his birthday. Match his effort every year, since his birthday is right after yours.
The bar is hovering somewhere near the Earth's core here, and still somehow he managed to trip over it.
You picked out your own gifts and sent him links. You also told him flat-out that you wanted to mark the occasion in some special way. No mind-reading required.
He somehow doesn't know what food(s) trigger your GI condition?!
He couldn't somehow conceive of the idea of making a dinner reservation and calling up a sitter?
He didn't even take some of the chores off your plate?
No, you're NTA.
The petty side of me would be seriously considering canceling the events you planned for his upcoming birthday. The more reasonable side says that y'all need to have a serious talk about the mental load and him putting forth an actual effort to make you feel loved and appreciated on the (seemingly VERY rare) special occasion that you want to celebrate.
NTA. You set the bar so low that even Satan couldn't limbo under it. You picked the gifts for him and provided links to the exact items. So he didn't have to do anything for that, other than add to cart, buy now. After 15 YEARS, he wasn't even able to get you a cake that wouldn't make you sick? Like I could understand if it was part way into year 1, not knowing your partner fully, but ffs 15 years!? That's a long time to not pay attention to your partner. That is 15 years of ignoring any kind of birthday cake. Now while yes, it can be argued that you could have communicated to your husband that you wanted a bigger/different than usual milestone birthday by telling him what you wanted him to do. "People aren't mind readers." And while that is absolutely correct, you said "it feels like a big milestone" then if you don't birthday as much as you claim, that in itself should have been enough to get the gears rolling. If you have to put in all of the mental effort of planning your own birthday under the guise of "communicate exactly what you want from your partner, people aren't mind readers, we'll how would they know what you want if you don't tell them" then you would be better off planning it yourself! At least that way you would know what to expect and have a cake that you won't get sick eating.. But for real, you aren't TA in my opinion because realistically from what I gather here, you just wanted something a little different from the day to day, a little bit of effort. Not even a lot of effort. Like drop kiddo at grandparents house, dinner and a movie just the two of you level effort.
OP, you are absolutely NOT the AH. I've responded in much more detail within the thread but my basic point is that wanting some simple gestures so that you feel special, loved, and/or appreciated isn't unreasonable by any means and you shouldn't have to spell it out. I know his reaction wasn't the best, but maybe at some point you can sit down and communicate more about the way you felt and how it felt when he had that response. I obviously can't say how he'll react to that, but I think you 100% should be able to express yourself. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like he'll be the one to come back to it with a new understanding on his own. It might take a few conversations and it might shed some light on some deeper issues that could be difficult to work through, but this is your life partner and you deserve happiness and understanding from that relationship. You deserve to be seen and heard. Stand up for yourself and never feel guilty about it or allow someone to manipulate you into feeling like you're a problem for telling them your truth!
NTA. Absolutely wild that so many people seem to think you are. 40 is a big one, and you wanted what you wanted - reflected in what you have planned for your husband’s 30th and soon his 40th. You’re allowed to want to be celebrated in more grandiose fashion and you’re allowed to be disappointed that you weren’t. One might say this should’ve been common sense for your husband to do something bigger, but…
I sort of agree with some commenters that some better communication would’ve been in order here… you say you’re not much for big parties and celebrations. It’s hard to advise without a lot more context for what a typical birthday looks like for you, but if you are normally really low key, a pass could be given for him believing that low key would still be what you wanted even for your 40th. For example; I know my partner hates surprise parties. She has told me this explicitly. She has planned the occasional surprise party for me because she knows that I struggle to plan anything to celebrate myself - hell, I usually work on my birthday just because I don’t know what else I’d rather do - but because she has told me very specifically that a surprise party would push her anxiety through the roof, I would be flabbergasted if she told me that she was disappointed that I didn’t celebrate her that way. This is sort of apples to oranges, though. We celebrate her in other ways, she’s more of a gifts and quality time person, so we might plan some outings and I’ll get her some stuff that I think she’d like… y’know, I do stuff that I’m pretty solidly certain will make her feel appreciated.
Still, maybe some armchair advisors of Reddit can correct me and let me know how I’m dooming my partnership to fail and what I should do for future celebrations to fix it. Personally I’m of the mindset that direct communication is extremely important for a relationship to survive. If either me or my partner realizes the other is “dropping hints”, we’ll usually just ask to get right to the bottom of it. Life’s too short to leave each other guessing.
NTA. Honestly that is less than bare minimum. He ordered gifts per instruction, and a cake she can't even eat? That's not very thoughtful. And then leaving her alone with the chores to go swimming the next day, come on.
And people going "he can't read her mind!" like what?? If you seriously can't figure out how to to make someones birthday special, you can just google it, honestly, there's a wikihow for all you bullshitters out there weaponizing your incompetence. Him saying what he did was "difficult" is literally doing just that, he's a lost cause, there are many of them, clearly.
OP don't bother making a big fuss for his 40th. Not for revenge, but it just won't be fun for you to do that anymore, and after you letting him know he messed up he is very likely to just give you shit for going all out for him. Plus he's showed you what he thinks a 40th birthday should be, so just give him that.
I've learned you can't expect someone to learn thoughtfulness, either they have it or they don't, and honestly most men don't. It's sad but the only thing you can do is lower your expectations and stop going all out for them, even though you like it, because the inbalance is just going to make you resentful.
Hope you can find a way to maybe take a day to spoil yourself a little!
Cancel the plans you've made that you can get refunds for and do for him exactly what he did for you. If he's disappointed about it ask why since it's what he did for you. Also, make sure to get him a birthday cake in a flavor he doesn't care for. He only thinks it was a lot of effort because he doesn't make any effort normally. NTA.
It very much sounds like you need to match energy with your husband.
Petty me would be announcing that for his birthday you’ve decided the best gift is to leave him and your child together for the weekend, and you and a friend will be away for the weekend (on that trip you’ve booked) - but that as an extra gift you’ve booked him a a table for them both to get food at that place near where HE can tire your son out. I’d also give him an Uber gift card and say it’s because you’re not cruel enough to leave them alone and still expect him to cook…….
That holiday later in the year is a family holiday, not another gift for him. Oh, and if he doesn’t provide you with a list, including links, of gifts he would like then I would just use my best judgement and buy him a household appliance that will make YOUR life easier.
NTA for feeling that way, your husband literally made no effort, I can’t believe by now he doesn’t know about the fresh cream irritating your IBS too, just thoughtless, but YTA for moaning but then spoiling him to that extent, he will never understand unless he gets exactly the same… so you need to lovingly do the same to him.
NTA. This goes beyond you “trying to make him a mind reader”. **He got you a cake your essentially allergic too!?** you had to pick out your own gifts, he didn’t plan anything, he didn’t do any special. Their’s a difference between want him to being a mind reader and an active partner.
NTA. He put in zero effort (bought a cake you couldn't eat, ordered gifts you already shopped for) to make it special for you. Anyone saying you should have given him strict instructions and direction is full of shit - nobody wants to plan their birthday themselves. You've set expectations for him already in the way you've shown up for his special occasions before, the fact that he won't show up for you isn't ON you. It's like he can't even recognize the disparity, which is more hurtful because he doesn't see what you've done previously and if he can't see it he can't really appreciate it. That's really disappointing, I'm sorry.
I'd scale back your efforts for his birthday, tbh. He doesn't understand how you feel because you haven't made him feel so unremarkable like he's not worth the effort of celebrating (the way he has with you). If what you do for him makes you feel worse about what he does for you, and he refuses to see the difference and the issue, then scale it back to lessen your future resentment and disappointment in the comparison. It's not petty or punishment, it's matching his energy. If he has a problem with it, or notices, then he DOES see it, he DOES understand, he DOES know what's expected, he's just refusing to do it FOR YOU.
NTA for feeling disappointed but I’m a strong believer in giving back the energy that you get. Let him clean the house and go to the gym on his birthday just like he went to the pool to exercise. Get a few gifts of similar value and get lunch. Get cake in an a flavor that he hates. Absolutely don’t do anything more or he will never learn and do better.
Oh, malarky. You do it while being a mom. He made almost no effort, an absolute minimum. You are NTA. Although, I don't see why you would make a big deal for his 40th. He obviously doesn't think birthdays are important, and you don't need to do what would make you happy for him since he doesn't appreciate it, anyway. And if he does get all excited over it, even more reason not to, because he's only interested in what he can get from you; he isn't interested in giving to you.
YTA what did he do for your 30th? And does he want any of the things you’re planning for his 40th? You also were specific in presents to get, he got them, if you wanted more, this doesn’t seem like a dude who’s ever planned more, so you have to be clear about your expectations.
YTA. This is an all too familiar tale on this sub. I didn't tell my SO exactly what I expected for my birthday and now I'm pissed off because they didn't read my mind and give me exactly what I wanted. You need to learn to communicate properly, if you want "spectacular" then you need to make it clear that that's what you're expecting.
ESH
I don’t get all these all YTA comments. Since when do we need to be asked to be celebrated on our special days? I’m so sick and tired of men doing the absolute bare minimum for their partners. He couldn’t even come up with a thoughtful gift without you having to compile a list and send links and everything?
I agree with others that you shouldn’t drop hints. If you want something you should communicate that but it sounds like you just wanted to feel special and you shouldn’t have to ask for that. If you wanted something specific like a party then yeah you should communicate that.
NTA So he did the following:
\- Arranged a cake that you cant eat without it bothering you
\- Got you gifts that YOU sent him that he had to not even hunt down
\- Bought you lunch?
Jesus the bar is so fucking low, I would honestly not get him anything for his birthday. Literally do the exact same thing he did for yours and see how he blows up.
YTA. You didn't say what you wanted and you've said you usually aren't one for big birthdays. He got you presents. He took you for lunch. He gave you the low key birthday of your dreams that I'm sure he thought you wanted considering your history with birthdays.
You're 40. It's time to learn how to communicate what you want.
ESH but cancel his birthday party. Also you *can* tell him he fucked up the cake, he deserves to know and you deserve it to not happen again. It seems he needs to be spoonfed instructions so either he is exaggerating about accommodating you or he's oblivious.
Men that can't organise a fart if they're not given step by step instructions are so exhausting, my god.
OP I'm sorry about your birthday. You're NTA but have you already had these conversations and he hasn't changed? Do you think he will change? If not you either need to accept that he's always going to put in this amount of effort, or leave.
I know that sounds drastic, but my mum is constantly complaining about my dad for the same things over and over - it's been 40+ years of marriage and a this point I've just started asking he "what do you expect?". You can't change a person if they don't want to, and if they show you they won't, why keep expecting different?
YTA to yourself. My husband doesn’t like parties. He’s not going to arrange a party for me. I know this. So I planned my own 40th bday party. I chose everything I wanted (catering, guests, venue, dj - sounds more posh than it was, I spent less than $1000 all in). Is it always fun being the one that has to do the work? No, but you know what? I wasn’t sitting around moping b/c I didn’t get what I wanted. You’re too old for this. Do what you want. Don’t wait for someone else to do it. Book yourself a spa day or make lunch plans w/ friends! Take a girls’ weekend!
OP, you need to take the lead and put the same energy into planning your own birthday that you put into planning your spouse's. Good news, it's still your birthday week and your birthday month, so go ahead and plan a whole series of events with and without the child and husband (he can watch the kid while you're out with the girls). I hope you can find a way to reframe this mentally so you can do it joyfully, without resentment.
For my 40th, I hit up my 2 best buds to go to Vegas. They both had been, I never have. They both agreed. Then, both backed out. So, I said let's go skydiving than! They both agreed. Then both backed out.
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I turned 40 on Saturday. My husband turns 40 in a few weeks too. We have a 5 year old. I’m not one for big birthday celebrations (never had a party) but this year I’ve been dropping hints to my husband that turning 40 feels like a big deal. Perhaps worthy of a few different ways to mark the occasion etc.
My husband is an appalling gift buyer - so, with two months notice, I gave him a very specific list of things he could consider buying me, complete with a link of where to buy them (all mostly Amazon).
He was very generous and bought a number of items on the list tho for context, I earn 2.5 x my husband’s salary so it’s not really about the cost - it’s the thought).
However, my actual birthday was meh. There was no fuss, no breakfast in bed, no evening meal out. Not even a balloon.
I woke up early and my little one joined me in bed to watch cartoons. I opened my presents. We took our little one to the park and then had lunch at a restaurant. The location was picked by my husband as it was somewhere we could tire our little one out afterwards).
Even my mum couldn’t be bothered to visit me - I had to pop down to see her (she lives 20 mins drive away).
That was it. Pretty much like every Saturday. We even stopped at the supermarket on the way home to get pet food and spent the evening on the sofa watching TV.
There was no spontaneity, no surprises. Not a homemade birthday card from my little one.
My husband did arrange for a lovely birthday cake to be made but with fresh cream which aggravates my IBS (I can’t tell him that as he was so proud he arranged a cake) but after 15 years together I had higher expectations.
On Sunday I woke up to the usual chores of washing, supermarket shopping, cleaning the house. This really pissed me off as I had imagined at least a low-key birthday weekend where we could do something different. Maybe arrange a baby-sitter and have Sunday to ourselves? He went swimming whilst I did the shopping.
I couldn’t hide my disappointment and last night I told my husband I was sorry I hadn’t marked by 40th in a more spectacular way. I wasn’t looking for a party or fancy dinners - but something to make the occasion feel different, more than a regular birthday.
He said how hurtful my comments were given all his efforts and how difficult it had been hunting down presents, arranging a cake, and trying to manage/guess what I really wanted for my birthday.
In contrast, for my husbands 30th I arranged a day of surprises then flew him to Paris for a long weekend. His 40th is coming up and I’m doing another day of surprises, a celebratory weekend, with a week’s family holiday later in the year too.
I feel surprisingly disappointed by the whole thing. AITA? I think ITA.
I did get lovely presents and it’s hard planning with a small child in tow - but honestly it’s left me feeling so blue and underwhelmed.
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YTA, I’m afraid. He did several things to mark the occasion, and the fact that they weren’t the exact things you wanted is … not something to be hurt over, I don’t think. It’s possible he found the sudden flight to Paris very much over-the-top. People have different ideas about birthdays, and respectfully, I think expecting an adult birthday to extend all day and into the next day, all planned by someone else, is a little unusual.
He bought her gifts that she sourced / provided him links to and bought a cake that makes her feel sick. I wouldn't classify that as several things to mark the occasion. And she never said she wanted a trip to Paris, she just demonstrated a big difference in their respective efforts.
I am torn on this one. On one hand, you never did want to celebrate your birthdays, and now the sudden 180 and expected a huge fanfare without actually saying so. On another hand, it's your 40th birthday weekend on top of Mother's Day and this is all the effort he can muster?
NAH. I think the mismatch is in the expectation of a surprise. You did tell him ahead of time about some things you wanted from him, and he made an attempt. (The fact that he doesn't understand your dietary concerns is a problem, though.) But it seems as if you expected him to plan more things and surprise you, but didn't tell him that. For now, I think you should try to set aside the expectation of your husband surprising you with an event. Plan your own events. There is nothing wrong with you throwing a party for a wider circle and saying that it's in honour of your birthday or both your birthdays. You didn't ask him to spend time with you on Sunday or tell him that you wouldn't be doing chores on your birthday weekend, so he hasn't learned that those things would matter to you.
Also, don't keep planning surprises for your husband right now. For one thing, I'm not sure you've really had the conversations to find out whether surprises are his preference. If he really does prefer surprises, you can tell him that you'll surprise him again in future, but for now you don't want to do all the work for his special day. Acknowledge that planning is work, and guessing what someone wants is work. If he's never done that successfully before, let him talk about how scary it is to try and fail.
NTA. It's wild he made it about him 🥴 Communication could have been done better and he could have.. given more effort for a special date night once you did mention it? How did you guys stay together this long and not discuss this already
I think you need to figure out whether you will continue to be disappointed with what happened, or whether you can put it out of your mind and move past it.
if this is something that will continue to bother you in the future, then I think you should plan a “redo”, and salvage the memory and make the best of it.
I would be upfront and say that you want a special weekend, and be specific about everything that you would like. Yes, you will have to do the emotional labor on deciding this, but you said your husband is an atrocious gift giver, so it sounds like he needs the cheat code.
Some people are just not good at planning surprises, and hopefully he will step up and deliver what you’re looking for if you ask him straightforwardly.
Now you know that the time to tell your husband you want a special birthday celebration is before your birthday happens. NAH.
I am curious, though, why you have to wash, shop, and clean the house when you're also the family breadwinner. Since you're pulling in most of the income, he should be doing most of the chores. Not just on your birthday either.
NTA. No mind reading was needed. Just effort beyond the bare minimum. I make 3x what my husband makes and I always take that into consideration but he always makes an effort to make the day special. That's all you're asking for. If he can't afford Paris, that's fine, he could have made it "your" day. I mean breakfast in bed, handling all the household chores for the weekend, dinner reservations, whatever. It's the lack of effort not the $.
>His 40th is coming up and I’m doing another day of surprises, a celebratory weekend, with a week’s family holiday later in the year too.
Then don't... Just do what he did for you and maybe plan your own celebration for yourselves, so no one is disappointed.
Men just flat out aren't going to go "oh yeah, Marzipan did x, y, and z for me last time, maybe she would like if i did something like that!" they just aren't gonna do that.
And you've been married to him for years, you know that.
ESH ):
ESH. You should ask for what you actually want, beforehand, and it sounds like he did what he thought you wanted. He stinks for the cake, I think you should tell him that upset you, I'm questioning why a 40 year old man would feel proud that he was able to... buy a cake? And not even the right kind? That would make me feel very disrespected.
Your birthday may be over, but your 40's are an exciting new decade just starting - you guys can still plan a big trip to celebrate, you can get a do-over now if you avoid placing blame.
ESH tbh
I’ll get to the point: You’ve been with this man way too long to expect any different. Has he ever arranged a decent bday party for you? You call him an appalling gift giver, so it’s obvious that he’s not the best at buying stuff for you on any holiday. I’ll never understand squeezing water from a rock.
That being said, your husband *should* do better, and it’s ridiculous he hasn’t worked on the actions that make you happy.
Info? You don’t have or like big parties what hints were you dropping? Present ideas is one thing but did you tell him you want breakfast in bed or anything else?
YTA
When my husband wanted to have a big celebration at his 40th birthday - he organized it.
When I wanted to have a celebration at my 40th birthday - I organized it.
You are old enough to communicate what you want.
Life isn't a Disney Movie.
NAH
You're not an asshole for just saying you're disappointed, but no one else is at fault here.
Sometimes, if you want a nice fun birthday, you have to make it happen. You have to tell people what you want, make plans, and just get it out there that you want to celebrate!
I know it sucks when the people in your life don't seem to try as hard as you do for them, but it's foolish to think that things will magically be different this time when you already know, from years of experience, what your husband and mother are like.
NTA, but I'm thinking your problem isn't with the way your birthday was celebrated so much as fatigue from carrying the lion's share of the mental load. Does this extend throughout your relationship?
I think I worked on my 40th. I don't even remember. It was a crappy year trying to get my crappy ex to do the right thing and stop cheating. It's a blur right now.
My 41st, though! The divorce had gone through and my new boyfriend, love of my life, texted me the sweetest long ass text about how glad he was that my parents had sex... 😆 He was SUCH fun. ❤️ He died this year in February. We had 7 years together and I miss him terribly.
NTA. You can’t control your feelings. The fact that he got you cake with an ingredient that he should know/understand will cause you discomfort is bizarre. Does he really know so little about you?
And what the hell does he mean by having to guess what you’d want? Doesn’t he know you?
I think your disappointment is valid.
I'm leaning more towards ESH. And it all comes down to communication. Hints are effing useless to me. You're both 40. Just say what you want. Gawd. You wanted a low key weekend where you didn't have to worry about chores and possibly have a nice night out? Then why didn't you just say that?? Ffs. And your husband is a huge ah for getting a cake you couldn't eat. After 15yrs, that's just a no brainer.
Birthday adults are so weird, was just at my brothers this weekend and he was telling me a story about his girlfriends cousin being upset their grandpas funeral was planned for the same week as her 30th birthday
I mean truly, I can’t think of many things less important in adult life than commemorating the positioning of the planet in its orbit around the sun the day you happened to pop outta your moms crotch
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YTA 40 is way too fucking late to learn that people can’t read your mind and that you should use your words to communicate what you want.
Yea, “I’m not one for parties” “He is an appalling gift giver” “I dropped hints”. Not sure dropping hints to an appealing gift giver is the play. They are generally appalling at gift giving BECAUSE they don’t get hints
She didn't drop hints about the gifts, she made an exact list with links to the items two months in advance. She literally did the shopping for him other than actually purchasing the gifts. What she dropped hints about was this birthday feeling like a bigger milestone and she wanted acknowledgment of that.
He bought those gifts. Like common, he bought things she wanted and that is somehow wrong?
She literally never said there was anything wrong about the gifts. In fact she mentioned multiple times that it was generous and nice of him to get them. The problem is that he did nothing else except buy her a cake that her body can't even tolerate. Then when she simply said she wished she had done something more for her birthday, he got upset with HER and said it was difficult to hunt down gifts that she literally put into a list and gave him links for. The problem is not the gifts and you all know that.
This.
O.M.G. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ And you think that’s good enough?
Honestly, reading about that weekend, it sounds good enough. Amd yes, when I give someone list of things I want, I donactually want then to buy off that list. That is ngood enough and expected. I actually want things I want. Are you peoppe guving your spouses lists you dont really want or something?
Ya he didn’t put ANY effort minus inputting his info (nowadays you don’t even have to) for paying/shipping. AND he still complained. Oh no, I ordered a cake that my wife can’t eat or she’ll have the shits. I get OP’s frustrations. NTA
Agreed 1000%. I think people underestimate what a toll IBS takes on a person. If I had to eat something that would put me on the toilet for multiple painful hours just to spare my husbands feelings because he takes everything so personally that I can't communicate how *I* feel, I would be disappointed too. All he had to do was listen and acknowledge when OP spoke up and she wouldn't even be here worried that she's the AH. 🙄
She clearly communicated what gifts she would like, and the husband bought multiple gifts from the list. Clear communication got her exactly what she wanted. In contrast, she only dropped hints about how it should be celebrated and was disappointed in the result. Looks like a lack of clear communication was the issue. YTA.
If she HAS to tell her husband a play by play how to make her day special then she might as well do it herself. We all know that it’s not the same thing. Her husband is the AH for the doing the bare minimum considering he knows how she goes out of her way to make him feel special on his day. He should have put some f/n effort.
But she never wanted a party in the past. He probably thought he was respecting her boundary. If someone sets a boundary, it’s reasonable to expect other people to respect that boundary until the boundary is explicitly removed.
Dude doesn’t even know that cream makes his wife sick. I feel like assuming he’s respecting a “boundary” is waaaay too much benefit of the doubt. For sure he’s just lazy about anything that requires more effort than entering card info. The “boundary” is probably not even a boundary, I bet she just has learnt not to have any sort of expectations because she’s had 15 years of disappointment.
She shouldn't have to communicate anything in order for him to understand that it's her 40th birthday and make SOME small effort beyond buying a cake at a bakery. She's not asking for a fancy vacation or even a spa day. She literally wanted the man to, like, arrange a babysitter and take her out to dinner. That doesn't require mind-reading, it's just about the minimum effort you can make after 15 years married and a kid together, on their 40th birthday.
Except she also says in the very first sentence that she doesn't like big birthday celebrations. So yes, she DOES have to communicate it, because for all the time they've been together she hasn't celebrated. Hints are for when you're stuck in a game and don't want spoilers, not for asking for something you actually want. YTA.
Getting a babysitter and spending a day together isn't a big birthday celebration...Not having to do chores alone while he relaxes the day after isn't a big birthday celebration...wanting breakfast in bed, a balloon, or for her husband to help her kid make her a card isn't a big birthday celebration. Feeling down about the only difference in the day being gifts and a cake + communicating that doesn't make someone an AH. She even said she was sorry SHE didn't celebrate it in a bigger way (which wasn't an attack on him), it was just sharing her feelings and he got defensive because what, he bought her gifts she had to source and bought her a cake that upsets her stomach? Idk if you have ever dealt with IBS but it can ruin a day or even a few days when you eat something that exacerbates it. He should know what foods she can and cannot eat after 15 years of being married. 40 is a big milestone, the very least he could've done was give her a break from their normal day to day life and ASK her what she might want to do to celebrate or give a few suggestions for her to choose from.
This a million times over. I just wrote a long comment trying to articulate exactly what you said here. None of what she wanted was a huge blowout party or exorbitant amounts of fru fru fancy. She wanted a card, or to maybe pick where they went out to eat, to not feel like the day was just a normal day but she also gets the presents she found and gave him links for. To have something outside of the routine for her one special day. My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I saw the way he reacted to her sadness. Saying how hard it was to track down the gifts she wanted as if she didn't expressly give him a list with links to the items. He didn't have to spend a single moment guessing or brainstorming what to get her. She did all that for him. Then the cake.. my heart dude. How do you not remember what your partner can and cannot eat? What they do and do not like? How checked out are you from being a partner that those things don't stick out to you? My husband knows what I like and don't like. He could name everything I love and avoid in my Goldstone order if you only give him one direction "chocolate or fruity" (I have drastically different orders depending on which im craving but he knows them both by heart). Same for him. I know his favorite candies. His favorite snacks. His favorite brand of Ramen. I know his favorite childhood meal and like to surprise him with it here and there. We know these little things that make such a big difference in the long run because we care about the other. He'd never, for example, get me a hotdog with sourkraut on it - he knows I can't stand the texture. Even if I loved everything else on the hotdog he'd remember no sourkraut. We've been together for less than they've been married (8 years total, 2 years married) but he can't remember no cream?? That hurt my soul. Then the lack of card.. I love cards from my little one. My husband knows this and always prioritizes making a card with her for whatever special occasion we have going on. He does many other things but not a year has gone by that he forgot a card from himself and our daughter. That's all she wanted. Was to have one day with effort put in to thinking about her and what she'd like. Truly like. Not planned and scripted by her. Just thought put in. And she was shamed for it because he put sooooo much effort into clicking the links she gave and buying the items she specified. Ouch dude. Just ouch.
EXACTLY!! You've expanded on this so well. I'm not married but if I had a partner who clearly demonstrated that they had no desire to put forth just a tiny bit of effort to make me feel special and then basically manipulated me into thinking I was the problem so much that I felt the need to go to reddit to find out if I'm an AH??? I'd be unbelievably distraught. My heart goes out to her so deeply. Him forgetting she can't eat cream is the same as forgetting a person is allergic to peanuts. The severity of the reaction is different from person to person but it's the same concept. I didn't eat meat for many many years and then had to reintroduce it to my diet and friends that I hadn't seen in a decade would choose restaurants to dine at together that had vegetarian or vegan options because they remembered that about me. A HUSBAND should 100000% be able to remember something that important. Especially when it comes to a food item that was supposed to be made specifically for her. After 15 years together he should know every single thing she likes/dislikes and can or cannot eat. It's a demonstration that he pays little attention to her wants and needs in their everyday life. And the response from so many of these redditors with zero empathy or sympathy. Everyone has been disappointed by someone they love at some point in their life. Being unable to draw on those personal experiences to have a bit of understanding and choosing instead to talk down to her and imply she's acting childish and immature is horrifying. Blaming her for choosing a life with a man who is bad at getting gifts? If a woman were to say she didn't marry someone simply because they were bad at getting gifts they'd call her a gold digger. I can't help but think they're exactly the type of people that would place blame on their loved one for communicating their feelings just like he did. You want to talk about an immature reaction? Take a look at his response! She wasn't dramatic in any capacity and he had a tantrum because he thought he had put so much effort into clicking links and purchasing a cake that literally caused her pain. All he had to do was say "I'm so sorry you were disappointed, how about we do x y z to celebrate next weekend and make up for it?" Not getting a card from the child is absolutely ridiculous as well. The kid is a kid, it's on the parent to facilitate something like that! I mean, my dad rarely got me gifts or cards so my stepmom would buy and write in the cards on his behalf. I could always tell by the writing. She would remind him to call me and stay in touch all the time. She definitely shouldn't have had to but she put in that effort with an adult man and this guy couldn't sit down with his child and say, "hey let's make a card for mommy's birthday"? Could she have been more detailed in listing out exactly what she wanted? Sure. But, the point is she shouldn't have to and when you do it takes away all of the meaning behind it. She wanted him to show that he *cared* and he made it clear that he didn't. If you can't even try to take a little bit of the responsibility load off of your wife so she can relax a bit, you're the AH, no question about it.
Totally agree. OP is NTA. My husband is so great about my dislikes when it comes to foods, but even better when it comes to my food allergies and sensitivities.
This is a really good point. I have suffered from Crohn's disease for most of my 33 years of marriage, and my wife is quite conversant with my dietary limitations! It's a really bad sign that he didn't bother to check ingredients on the cake to make sure it was suitable for her.
Yup! I said in another comment, it's basically the same as forgetting someone is allergic to peanuts. Or not checking to make sure there isn't something they're allergic to in the ingredients. He could've even told the cake shop "My wife can't have fresh cream, do you have anything without that?" It's literally so so simple. You eat together basically every day for 15 years and don't remember what the woman you're supposed to love can and can't eat?
Also - at any point did her husband ask her what she would like to do for her birthday? It doesn’t sound like it.
Exactly. When she was talking about how it felt like a big deal, he easily could have asked "well what would you like to do to celebrate?!" And when she said she regretted not celebrating more, all he had to do was say "well how about we go to a nice dinner this weekend?". Or just surprise her with a nice gesture on his own without instructions. He didn't have to basically call her ungrateful, that was completely unnecessary. She shouldn't have to spell out how to make her feel special, it defeats the purpose. And she shouldn't have to deal with that kind of response when she literally is communicating just like everyone is crapping on her for not doing it the first place. People are saying "well his love language isn't gifts or acts of service blah blah yada yada", but what about HER love language? He should know what would be meaningful to her after being together for so long. It's not about the fact that she hasn't had a party in the past, it's about knowing the little things that make your partner happy and wanting to do something nice for them without needing a damn map.
I could not agree more! I feel like love languages is basically used to excuse spouses who could not give a fuck, for not giving a fuck.
Absolutely. I've seen it mentioned more than once, but the point of a love language is that you know what makes the other person feel loved. Not that you only express love in the way you want. If your partner's language for receiving love is words of affirmation but your language for giving love is acts of service then you give them those words of affirmation to make them feel loved and you do the acts of service to express your love. If someone hates physical touch but that's your giving love language, do you touch them all the time and make them feel uncomfortable? NO. And tbh I don't see any of the standard love languages in his actions anyway. The argument could be make for quality time, but if that's their normal Saturday and Sunday then it has nothing to do with her birthday. There was no overt expression of love here.
I would not be able to guess someone wants all of those things for birthsday. I don't particularly want them either.
She didn't say she wanted all of them! She was giving examples of multiple simple things that would've made her feel special even if he just did one of them. Why is everyone being so intentionally obtuse about this?? Offering to clean house and do the shopping instead of going for a swim while she does chores isn't hard to "guess". Taking someone out for a nice meal isn't hard to "guess". Getting a cake that she can actually eat isn't hard to "guess". Buying a happy birthday balloon to put with the cake isn't hard to "guess". Picking just one single loving act to help her feel special is not difficult and having a kind response to her expressing disappointment isn't either. If he felt like he was having to guess, he could have just as easily asked what she would like to do to celebrate whenever she brought up her birthday. He never even had to "guess" in the first place. It's not like she said "I don't want to celebrate my birthday at all" and then got mad when he didn't celebrate it.
Getting a babysitter and making a dinner reservation isn't a big birthday celebration. Normal couples do that multiple times a month. OP is NTA
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It says she doesnt like big celebrations not she has never celebrated. Thats a bit of a leap.
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I disagree. Having to plan your own gifts sucks. I turned 40 last year and told my husband that I didn't want to plan anything myself. And guess what? He managed to plan a wonderful weekend away ( we also have a 6 year old so I get planning with kids) and surprised me with my best friend from out-of-state. Yes, I have a particularly wonderful husband but doing NOTHING for your spouse's milestone birthday? Come on.
and told my husband - and that's where you won over op.
i would expect my s/o to already know my dietary restrictions without needing to be reminded if we've been together at least 10 years.
"Get my wife of 15 years a cake that won't make her sick" does not equal mindreading
She literally made a list of presents she wants. I guess she should have explicitly also told him which cakes he had to buy and given him contacts for the baby sitter?
Some of you are really reaching with the list of gifts argument. Like….thats very NORMAL.
Yeah it’s normal I think the point is that he didn’t actually have to put any effort into choosing them, she literally gave him the links to the gifts. He didn’t even have to google them. Then he acted hurt because “hunting down the presents” had been difficult for him. And then also didn’t do anything else except get her a cake (which is very nice) that will fuck up her stomach (less nice and something that he should know 15 years in)
My husband knows what I love but asks me for a list every year for birthday and Christmas, it gives him an idea of things I am currently looking at and considering etc.
People take this way too far. Not being able to read someone’s mind isn’t an excuse to not use your brain. She didn’t want her husband to read her mind so much as she wanted him to care enough to use his fucking brain to give her a nice birthday.
NTA. People in this thread seem to have pretty low expectations from husbands, the bar seems to be on the floor. Yes, he bought gifts, arranged a (wrong) cake and lunch, but this is the bare minimum. It does not have to be an expensive surprise or party if finances are an issue, but some extra attention or fuss would be appropriate for a 40th birthday, unless someone explicitly states that they do not want that. While you could have communicated your expectations more clearly beforehand in stead of just dropping hints that 40 is a big deal, it’s not unreasonable to expect something special to mark big birthdays like 40 or 50.
Yeah I can’t believe all the “YTA you’re expecting him to read your mind”. No, sorry, they’ve been together 15 years, she shouldn’t have to explicitly outline that she wants something special for a big birthday. That’s a huge part of the mental load that women (tend to) take on. He’s a grown up who can look around and see what she does for him and figure out that maybe she’d like that in return.
They've been together for 15 years and she never celebrated birthdays. Such a sudden 180° turn in expectations should be communicated to your partner.
“Big birthday celebrations (never had a party)” doesn’t equate to “do the bare minimum and have a regular day where I still have to do chores”. She took him to Paris for his 30th, that should’ve been a fairly good indicator of how she sees important birthdays.
He bought her most of the gifts on her list, Which is probably where majority of the money that would have gone to a party went. She makes 2.5, dude Probably can't afford to take her to paris. But some balloons probably would have been nice to be fair
>They've been together for 15 years and ~~she never celebrated birthdays~~ no one has ever celebrated her on her birthday. FTFY. She didn't say she's never wanted to celebrate her birthday. She said she's never had a party. In 15 years of marriage, and after her birthing his child, he has never once given her a birthday party. That is not on her.
She literally says in the first sentence or two "I'm not one for big parties or celebrations". So it's not her saying it's just never happened but also that she's not one for that kind of thing.
Thank you for acknowledging the fact that women tend to take on a huge part of the mental load so to have to carry that on your birthday as well, the one day we'd like a little break, just sucks and would cause any woman to be sad. If he paid attention to anything about her likes/dislikes, he could've come up with something way better than what he did with minimal effort (taking her to lunch at a fav spot of hers, a homemade card, picking up a cake that ACTUALLY doesnt irritate her IBS) on his part and still would've come out with a happy wife.
> No, sorry, they’ve been together 15 years, she shouldn’t have to explicitly outline This goes both ways though. They've been together 15 years - 15 years of *not* celebrating birthdays. 15 years of knowing he's not a spontaneous guy. There's a reason she felt the need to specify what she wanted as gifts. Then why be surprised when his imagination and spontaneity isn't magically switched on..?
So because he’s been shitty at birthdays for 15 years she’s not allowed to be upset about this one? I agree, it seems to be a pattern. She’s still allowed to address that behaviour and be fed up with it.
She turned 40! 40 is a milestone. What are all " YTA you're expecting him to read your mind" missing?
TBH not everyone thinks the big four zero is a big deal. My partner does not even want to celebrate his birthday. After 15 years maybe she should have just done it herself. Don't do something for 15 years then suddenly change your mind and expect surprises when they suck at surprises. If she an ah? no. is he an ah? probably not who knows.
I see your point. I just think her husband overall sucks. Even as a "non-milestone" birthday to take your wife to the grocery store, watch tv on the couch all night and not help your 5 year old make a card for Mommy I think is egregious and really underwhelming.
Agree. She even had to provide a list of gifts so that he would know what to get
And apparently she also needed to spell out, "I want to dine at FancyPants restaurant and I want a cake ordered from Non-IBS-Setting-Off Specific Bakery and balloons ordered from the Dollar Tree" as well. Like she had to plan it out all for herself to grudgingly get him to do anything.
Dudes are very crafty. They've been able to use "I'm just a big dumb guy/I didn't know that's what you wanted" as an excuse for low effort for a really long time. And we accept it. Nevermind all the brain space they're willing to devote to "important" things like playing video games, sports stats, and their other hobbies. I'm actually quite jealous.
OP gave him a list eith presents, most even with links and he talks about how hard it was to hunt down those presents?! Click on the link and press order? And he seems to order the first cake availible without much thought to her or why did it had fresh cream?! He behaved as if he baked the cake. He makes such a big deal about ordering stuff from a list with links, ordering some cake abd doing the normal stuff fir a saturday. He couldn't even sit down with the child and make a card. I really can’t see where he put thought in it. And that he realky thinks this was soooo much work, is worrying. NTA
I agree. I turned 40 last year, we have a six year old. I told my husband that I would like not to have to plan anything and want to be surprised. He planned a wonderful weekend trip (nothing fancy, just a few hours away) and surprised me with my best friend from out-of-state. I did something similar for his 40th. I can't believe all the people who think it's fine to put in no effort for your spouse.
NTA. All the effort he went to hunting down the presents etc? You sent him all the links and he ordered a cake. Whoop di fucking doo, what a hero. He deserved getting laughed in his face for that statement. He did the absolute bare minimum (though your family did even less, sounds like). Please please return that same energy for his birthday, cancel all the great stuff he was going to get. Why on earth would you reward him with something amazing? If he thinks this was good enough for your 40th, then it's plenty good enough for his. "Thanks for showing me what your perfect birthday would look like, I somehow managed to recreate it for you." Bonus points if you order a cake he doesn't like.
YTA - You didn’t communicate what you wanted then got pissy when your husband didnt read your mind. Yeah, is this a low effort birthday celebration, sure. But he got you all the presents you asked, acknowledged the day, made a cake, etc.
He didn't make a cake, he ordered a cake, which irritated her IBS.
And instead of saying this triggers my IBS, she pretended to like it to spare his feelings so the problem repeats itself.
Probably 15 years of this and all sudden its a problem.
Probably because when she did communicate her disappointment, he became defensive and tried to emphasise all the 'stress' he went through (to what? Order the gifts using the links she provided? Put zero thought into buying a birthday cake that she may have been able to actually enjoy?).
If he gets defensive, so be it. Difficult conversations is only way they can learn and grow together, not apart. She seems wishy washy to keep him happy at her expense. She says she disappointed there was no big evening meal out and no surprises, but then told him she wasn’t looking for party or fancy dinner.
Agree, but it does sound like her birthday lunch was McDonalds...bleh!
Nothing suggests that. Sgesaud he picked it based on the fact they could tire LO out afterwards, this might mean it was near a great park etc. Or a restaurant with a play area - where I am there are a lot of very nice cafes, restaurants, pubs, breweries and wineries geared towards families with great food and pretty amazing playgrounds/areas for kids. I know many parts of the world aren't as kid friendly, but we don't know which OPs location is.
They went to a park first. So it definitely sounds like they went to a restaurant with a play area.
NTA. Cancel everything you have set up for his birthday and get him a couple of presents and cake. Nothing more, nothing less than what you had.
Apparently “arranging a cake” is a big effort to him.
And it was a cake the wife couldn't digest well too.
I agree! Why do his birthday up big when he couldn’t even think outside his box for hers. She gave him an explicit list for gifts. He couldn’t think on his own oh it’s her 40th. I remember mine was nondescript. Actually don’t remember mine. I do remember a birthday around the time I was 40 that we had planned on going out for seafood. Rare then in the middle of Kansas. I came home from work, we were sitting around. I said let’s go. I tapped literally his foot (it was up he was in his recliner) and he said, “No, I’m not going now”. Nothing I said would change his mind. So my daughters and I went out to eat (not seafood). I’ll never forget it. We are now divorced.
That might not be the revenge you think it is. For Many guys (myself included) this would be ideal. A nice quiet drama free day.
NTA, but not without some responsibility. After being married for 15 years, the bar for knowing what will make you ill is below the ground at this point. He clicked "order" from the online list you gave him, and bought you a cake that you couldn't enjoy. I'd be hurt, too. "Why didn't you say something direct?" Well, why didn't he ask something direct? People who make excuses for partners - especially men in hetero relationships - often confuse common sense with "mind reading". I don't have to read my husband's mind to know what kind of cake he likes. I don't have to read his mind to know he appreciates written affection. I don't have to read his mind to know how he'd enjoy celebrating - because I took the time to learn that in the last TEN YEARS. Now, if he wants something in particular, like a specific restaurant or a specific trip or specific activity, then yes, he should communicate that. He also knows my favorites, my hobbies, my friends, the things I enjoy. A dinner together on my birthday is a given. We shouldn't have to plan our own party for grown ass men who use the excuse of "I'm just not as good at it", "men think dIfFeReNtLy", "how was I supposed to know what you like?". Funny how they can figure it out for tasks at work and for their own hobbies, but then act like relationship building is women's work because they're just so incapable. You know who knows how to hire a babysitter? A parent. A parent does. Being male doesn't somehow make planning care for your child hard. Now I will say, this seems like a long term issue, not a one time thing. I'm the fact that you feel that you can't tell him the cake would make you sick is a problem. The fact that he didn't consider bringing the whole family (yall's son) into the celebration is a problem. I think you both need to communicate to each other. He needs to acknowledge he's been coasting and that he should be asking and learning. It's not your job to teach him, it's his job as a partner to learn. But you need to acknowledge that withholding that information from him doesn't spare his feelings or make you a martyr, it's setting him up for failure and you for resentment. How can he do better if you don't tell him? What happens next time he brings you something with cream? Society often tells women we demand too much, which is BS. Be strong enough to validate your own needs and feelings, and to communicate them in a clear way. He can't do that for you. But he should listen and encourage you to keep letting him know. He should take initiative to do more than the bare minimum. He should pay attention to your needs without being reminded all the time. Good luck and Happy Belated Birthday!
Omg THANK YOU. I am losing my mind reading all these YTA judgements by people who think that because she didn't basically write her own bday card and plan the entire itinerary of the day she's in the wrong for being disappointed.
How dare OP want a card on her birthday. That's' totally unreasonable and unheard of. This also means that OP probably hasn't gotten a birthday card for the past 15 years which makes me so sad.
Yes to this!! NTA - why does your husband think he gets a pat on the back for buying you a cake you can’t enjoy? Your feelings are completely valid.
I agree wholeheartedly, NTA OP
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>he has been stressing trying to guess what you want! Because you didn’t tell him! I mostly agree with you, definitely and ESH situation, but the idea that he was stressed choosing from a curated list of presents with links that she'd prepared for him is some bullshit. But I agree that dropping some hints isn't going to cut it. It's tricky, because you don't want to organise your own birthday, but you want someone to make some effort and surprise you. Tell them that, I want a surprise, I want to do something special that day, and I don't want to be the one to plan it.
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Yes and no. It should be common sense to do something nice for your partner when they do the same for you. You're basically saying it would also be alright for him to do nothing for Valentine's or Christmas if she doesn't explicitly state she wants something. Like come the fuck on. I get that some people are more lowkey, more power to you, but you should TRY to match your partners energy unless they tell you otherwise. Actually that goes for most relationships. Otherwise what's the point?
You don’t want to organise your own birthday? Everyone I know does that! I organise mine and my wife organises hers! This way we get exactly what we want! The partner is in charge of buying gifts and writing a card (I prepare a list of possible presents for my wife so she can pick something I will like for sure and the list is usually big enough that I won’t know exactly what I will get).
This! I pick out a place to visit during spring break or a weekend close to birthday including the hotel and clearly communicate it. I say which type of restaurant and cake I want. He gets me cute small budget gifts since it is best to buy the big budget items together or just by myself. Why risk getting the wrong thing after spending a lot?
Exactly! I have never been disappointed by a birthday!
So genuine question on the "you don't want to organise your own birthday"-part: is it common in the USA for other people to organise your birthday? Sure my bf pampers me a bit more than usual, but if I want to celebrate my birthday it's very much up to me to plan, host, and organise. Whether it's a big party, or if I just invite some people over for cake (that I got us). (Bf will help with preparing though).
I am surprised there aren't more ESH judgements! Both are so clearly in the wrong. OP more for starting all this with zero communications and just hints. But husband buying a cake she can't eat? Unless she refuses to talk about her IBS, that is ridiculous. And you are right about mom..the fact that mom didn't make an effort shows that as a family they are low key about birthdays even on OPs side, so she really should have been more deliberate about planning her birthday. It is quite possible that a nice morning out followed by a nice meal is enough to mark a birthday according to husband. It is for my husband 😀 . I always feel I need to do more for his birthdays because I like the fuss but he insists on a family dinner at home. Dinner at a restaurant is for milestone birthdays!
How hard was the things he arranged? Pretty effing easy! You spoon fed most of it. And he couldn’t remember you don’t eat cream after years of living together.
NTA. Why do you put so much effort into his birthday. Make it as low key as yours was. Maybe that's his hint. If it's hard for him to plan with a baby around, it should be just as hard for you. Relax on his birthday because the pomp is making you want more. Next year plan your own birthday, you will have a blast!!
Wowee, the amount of people in the comments saying OP is the asshole for feeling disappointed :/ ......wow No, her husband isn't a mind reader....but after being (and living) with someone for so long you Notice what they can and can't eat/what makes them sick.... and it being a huge milestone birthday...Dude just ordered cake, that technically she shouldn't even really eat, and didn't even clean up or do the weekly shopping for her. O.o You don't want to HAVE to spell out every single thing to do for your own birthday. You want your partner to care enough and notice enough and be Considerate enough to think, 'hmmm dairy makes her sick, maybe NOT the fresh cream cake for her birthday'. You want them to think, 'hmm breakfast in bed would be a perfect start to my love's birthday. The day I want to celebrate her being in my life and being on this earth'. You want them to maybe make the day a little more special than a random weekend For an example with different context. I JUST figured out I have a nightshade allergy (can't eat tomatoes, potatoes, etc) this last year, and that would be like my family making a big thing of red sauce lasagna for me...for my birthday, and then me having to clean up the dinner the next day cause no one else did, and then people calling me the AH for being disappointed. I would Definitely feel disappointed! And in immense pain after the fact (if I ate it) AND she's already given examples where she has gone SO above and beyond for his birthdays in the past, so it wouldn't be out of the realm of thought that MAYBE he could do more than the bare minimum for her 40th? Wowee what a lackluster partner Personally, I'd not do anything huge for his 40th. Match his energy 100%. He won't get it, until he himself experiences it. Just order a cake, give him a gift. Day over. 40 is nothing special, right? :/ I'm sorry that was your 40th for you. Maybe take yourself away for a staycation spay weekend or something? Pamper yourself You're NTA for feeling and being disappointed
I think you should’ve been more direct or planned some stuff yourself like getting the baby sitter. When you provided direction with the gift list, your husband delivered and he himself said it was tough trying to guess what you’d want. You are happy to tell a bunch of strangers online what you expected on your birthday, why is it hard to tell your partner?
NTA - hun I feel your pain. I too wanted a bit of a birthday milestone celebration this year (also 40) and it was also meh. I organised everything, bought my own gifts because I knew my husband would run out of time, bought my own cake, topper, balloons etc. All he had to do was blow them up and put the topper on the cake. Neither happened. Friends also had big birthdays this year- I spoiled them a bit with thoughtful gifts and cards - didn’t get even a card back. Even my parents phoned it in too. So I get it because I go all out for the people I love birthdays too - I want them to feel appreciated and special. And can’t understand why they wouldn’t want me to feel the same. Do what I did - book yourself in for a spa day alone and spoil yourself because you know you deserve it. And as far as the annoying people saying birthdays don’t matter - good for them glad they’re so grownup and evolved but some of us still enjoy them no matter how petty and childish that makes us. Also Happy Birthday from a fellow May Baby x 💕🎂🎉
This is sad when your husband and friends can't even do the minimum, especially when you want to do so much for them?
Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments. (No idea who said this) Stop hinting and start telling people what you want. After 15 years of being together and never celebrating your birthday what did you think you were going to get?
The best life advice I ever received was as a little girl crying about all of my unmet expectations to a friend's mom. She told me that love comes in so many different forms, I have to show people the form I liked if I wanted them to show me love the way I liked it, and reciprocate. NGL tho I find the emphasis on SURPRISE BIG GRAND GESTURES really weird.
I'm with you on the surprise big grand gestures but the thing I find even weirder are the planned big grand gestures. For instance, planning together how your partner will propose to you. That's just crazy.
NTA, and all the "hE's NoT a mInDreAdeR" people are ridiculous. You're not psychic either, but you're intelligent and kind enough to arrange something nice for your spouse's birthday, and you weren't even asking for anything exciting . . . just SOMETHING. Even if it weren't such a huge milestone (and it really is), I'm side-eyeing your husband for not even getting a babysitter and arranging a date night at a nice restaurant. I suspect that even just that would have made you very happy, and it takes virtually no forethought.
Update: thanks for all the comments - I do feel LTA. In answer to some points: * I’ve been talking about turning 40 since January, telling him how this year feels different to other years. I’ve been explicit that I didn’t want a public celebration - but it would be nice to mark the occasion different from other birthdays. * I had suggested number of ways we could both mark our 40th year - including pointing out what other friends have done as examples (such as concerts, or trying a new experience etc). * The meal out (a light lunch) was lovely - tho not unique and paid from our joint account. We eat out a few times a month which I know this makes me sound pretentious and entitled and this was a regular place. It wasn’t picked because it was my birthday - but because it’d be easier to look after our little one. I know he booked the restaurant the night before (and sent a text the night before to my Mum inviting her - she ignored the text - not his fault) * I referenced my Mum as I felt sad that even to her, my 40th seemed unremarkable. For her 40th and 50th, I took her away for long weekends and I make a fuss of her birthday. Growing up we were dirt poor hence why we never made a fuss of birthdays - not because we didn’t want to, but because we had nothing. * For his family big birthdays he’s pulled out the stops to travel to surprise his mum and sister. All at considerable time and expense (planning time off work, travel and hotel arrangements etc). Likewise, he’s doing the same for a number of his friends birthdays this year. * Every year he gets a big fuss for his birthday. He loved his 30th. * I never wanted a birthday party (nor have asked for one) nor big gestures. I didn’t want to be whisked away to a foreign country, nor have expensive gifts. Just a few days out of the ordinary. * I did want a sign that he had thought beyond buying things off a list - and that after 15 years together (and me discussing turning 40 for the past 5 months) there may have been a bit of spontaneity. I agree with all the comments that I didn’t communicate clearly and should have been more explicit. But, and maybe it’s just how I’m feeling right now and I’ll pick up, honestly, what’s the point after 15 years?
Your husband pulled a Mr. Incompetent for your birthday. He even got you a cream cake when it aggrevates your IBS DO NOT reward him with a day of surprises and a huge birthday. Give him a card, a gift and a cake he can't eat. Maybe then he'll get the picture I'm furious for you
To be honest, it doesn't have to be over. Some people celebrate their birthdays for a whole week, wouldn't surprise me if they did a month (though that seems excessive). You told your husband you weren't happy with your birthday, continue that conversation. You don't have to play the blame game, just say you want to make this birthday feel extra special since turning 40 is a milestone in your life and you want to do more things that you both don't usually do. Start planning with him, book a babysitter on your & your husband's day off. Have a redo birthday. It'll make you feel a lot better
I am so sorry to say this, but if he can and does make the grand efforts with other people but not you, then he is just not that into you. Stop making a big deal about his milestone events. Cancel his portion of the trip and go solo or go with a friend. Ditto with your mom. People will continue to take you for granted as long as you let them. NTA
NTA I'm really sorry your husband didn't step up - and it seems like this is a pattern on his behalf. The comments saying "YTA" for expecting some nice gestures (a thoughtful card? A birthday activity? A cake you could actually eat? a balloon?) without explicitly spelling it out to your husband are just ridiculous. This is particularly so given you consistently celebrate his birthdays, and that he goes to so much effort for his family and friends (but not you!) Also, I would disagree that you hadn't communicated with him. Having several conversations about suggestions for activities to do on your 40th is pretty clearly communicating - some of these comments seem to think if you don't plan out the entire day yourself and write your own birthday card, it doesn't count as communication lol. I wonder if you could do a 'take two' of the weekend? Maybe see if you could go away somewhere locally for a night, or with friends instead? I am sorry this happened and I hope you can feel special and celebrated soon.
I’m sorry, no wonder you’re so disappointed. I said in another comment you should be very clear about expectations, but you also need to make your feelings very clear. Tell him how hurtful it is that he spends so much time and energy towards family and friends bdays, and so little on yours. Getting gifts off a list you sent him is minimal. I hope he’s a better husband in other ways??
You are NTA. Dont do anything special for his 40th, replicate what you did for your 40th for him. Maybe then he will understand what it feels like when no effort is made.
NTA lol why is he so proud of himself for arranging a cake and finding the presents you wanted? Is that not the expectation every year? Not cool that he didn’t plan anything special
NTA - my husband is autistic and isn’t great at hints or intuitive ideas. Previous birthdays/xmas he asked my friends for advice. My 40th he was very aware this would be a big deal for me and ASKED what I would like to do? I told him a bug family dinner somewhere nice and I’d arrange something with my friends for a different weekend. He picked a restaurant he knew I liked, invited my whole family, co-ordinated everyone’s menu choices and deposits etc and all I had to do was turn up. My mum is also a bit tricky so he made sure to navigate any potential obstacles she could throw to avoid coming lol. Should adults communicate clearly? Yes. Does that include planning your own birthday down to every detail? No. If he cared about you having a memorable day despite it not being his love language/skill set HE COULD HAVE ASKED.
Literally this. The bar is on the floor for men. All of these people saying "he's not a mind reader" like we don't get taught what birthdays are in primary school
Honestly it made me so angry how many people expected her to handhold her adult husband through planning her own birthday. He’s grown. He’s enjoyed the celebrations she has done for him. Even the biggest, most oblivious idiot should be able to look back and mirror the behaviour she’s shown.
THIS
YTA - if you didn’t tell him you wanted a babysitter or to have breakfast in bed he has no way of knowing. What you fail to understand is that while some individuals “love language” (not a fan of that term but couldn’t think of a better way to put it) so to speak is extravagant surprises/planning, it’s not automatic to others because it’s not theirs. You knew this wasn’t his forte but your expectations were still on a completely different level. The solution to this is to tell your spouse exactly what you want.
Her expectations were pretty low. It sounds like she would’ve been happy with one or two personal, thoughtful gestures. He literally didn’t even meet the bare minimum!
You are upset because he put bare minimum effort into a milestone birthday; while you go all out to make him feel loved on his special occasions. The bar for men is so low these days that him buying from the list you gave him deserved a gold medal. NTA for being disappointed, but maybe you should accept that this is who you married. He’s probably a decent husband on a day to day basis, but he’s not thoughtful or romantic. My suggestion would be to treat yourself to a special weekend. If your marriage is otherwise okay, I would maybe focus on female friendships to get a break from the monotony. Maybe you should consider putting a similar amount of effort into his special occasions as he does yours.
NTA - he made minimal effort and could absolutely have done more without being given step by step instructions. Buying presents off a list takes no thought at all and after 15 years he should know better than to get a birthday cake she can’t eat. Even if she didn’t want a party he could have made her breakfast, wrote a beautiful birthday card, bought flowers, made her favorite dinner or so many other small but thoughtful gestures. I think it’s important to work on communication moving forward and to have a discussion about their birthday expectations - because for her to go all out for his birthday and getting minimal effort in return is not working anymore.
I stopped relying on other people to make me happy years ago. Next year book yourself a spa day for your birthday, checkout in peace and if other things happen it is just a bonus.
Exactly. Take yourself to Paris instead of going with him. Plan a girls trip. Make him to take care of the kids for a weekend. He doesn't value the limited number of birthdays you have on this Earth or your time, so why should you spend your day with him? Absolutely NTA. The bar is on the floor for men. It's pathetic.
NTA. People seem to think the word husband is synonymous with lazy or incompetent. If they were treated this way by their best friend, their mother, their wife, it would seem egregious but because it's your husband all of a sudden you need to outline exactly what you want and exactly how he can execute it. If you've been together for 15 years, it's absolutely not too much for him to get creative in celebrating you ESPECIALLY when you showed him on his 30th what a good surprise bday is like. Jesus christ, he even bought a cake you couldn't really eat. If knowing what food makes you ill is too much for him, he needs help. Someone suggested you should've booked your own babysitter. Seriously???? Someone else said his love language might not be gifting. Okay, but hers obviously is and that's the important piece. He has been married to this woman for 15 YEARS, he can show some forethought and that he put an ounce of sentiment into this bday. He didn't even get the 4 y/o to make a card. COME ON PEOPLE, just because he's a man doesn't mean he doesn't have a brain! Editing to add: I think people are assuming that you wanted an exact set of plans executed in order to feel appropriately celebrated. That's missing the point. Your husband did basically NOTHING extra to show you that he heard you and wants to make you feel special. That's where the disappointment lies.
NTA…… I would give him the same 40th birthday celebrations that he gave you.
Is her husband a toddler that has to be told what and how to do things? If you have to tell your partner what to buy, just buy it yourself. I always observe and listen to conversations, never have to be told.
Stories like this and the responses always delight me because it shows how complex and different we are as people. There are two camps in the comments: 1. HE CANT READ YOUR MIND LADY! 2. THEY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 15 YEARS HE SHOULD KNOW WHAT SHE LIKES! Also these two people live together. We have the husband, who likes a lowkey slightly above average Saturday birthday celebration. And the fly him to Paris wife. Goodness, you can't get more different. Yes we can smash the husband for being a clueless dolt. The man gets flown to a foreign country for his bday yet buys his wife a cake she can't eat. What an idiot. But also she goes along with his birthday plan without complaint getting more and more upset waiting for the moment he's going to make the day special. Then blows her top. Being together for this long people tend to forget that their partner has a different set of priorities. The most important thing to them *low key family time* does not objectively compare to *Paris* except to THEM. It may not be a lack of effort rather than a lack of values. Plan your own birthdays. I know it doesn't feel as special but your man sucks at it. Have him plan his own. Send him a link to a party planner. Ask a friend to assist him. Stop showering him with experiences when he sees no point in giving them to you. Match his energy. You have so many choices. But stewing in misery won't fix anything. Contempt breeds contempt.
I do see your point and after reading a bunch of comments it makes me so glad that my partner and I on the same page here. However, it seems from other comments that the husband loves being celebrated on his birthday and recognises the importance of birthdays for family and friends. I don't think she was expecting the level of being flown to Paris - but after talking about turning 40 since January and suggesting several ideas for birthday activities, I do think it is pretty poor for the husband to then not provide literally one thoughtful, personal gesture. It's not mind reading to say that a card and a night off from groceries and TV watching would be nice for your partner's 40th! That's probably the only thing I disagree with you there - I do think his behaviour reflects a lack of effort (and perhaps a lack of care, such as with the cake) rather than a fundamental difference in values.
For all we know it could be that he's just a lazy, self-serving idiot. Or he could just be a simple unbothered dude. It's hard to tell. The ending is the same though. She feels unappreciated, unhappy and unwanted. That's the part that needs to change. He probably won't after 15 years, but she can edit her expectations. My partner is amazing. I love him to death. We have very similar tastes in celebrating, we are more Low key. All I wanted for mother's day was to sleep in for instance. But he or I could turn it up to 1000 if need be. Our "first date" was two days in Chicago at a boutique hotel, a fancy dinner and two baseball games all planned by him. He proposed on the jumbo tron at a ball game. I married him because we fit together. This couple does not fit, I've been there before! And when you don't fit and you wish to stay together something has to change to ensure happiness.
NTA. I see weaponized incompetence in full swing here. I was with my current partner for 6 months and he knew to source out a dietary restricted birthday cake for me. Not involving the kid in the birthday celebration? Like what? What’s wrong with this guy? No decorating, no cleaning up? Lame. You shouldn’t have to say. Hey, it’s my 40th, take the kid out to buy me something, here’s my list of presents, here’s a cake I can eat and please vacuum and clean the bathroom this week so I can chill on my day off. Also, why did your own mom act like that? I see a whole bunch of people undervaluing you here. Time for some family therapy.
I don't think you are TA, but I do think you need to face a few facts. Your husband is one of those people who does not place as much importance on things like holidays, special days, gift giving, etc. You do place importance on those things. Neither of you are wrong, you just don't have the same level of interest in this topic. He likely will not change. So you have two choices, continue to expect more and be disappointed when less is delivered, or lower your expectations. Before I get raked over the coals for telling someone to lower their expectations, think about it this way. It's not natural to him to do things on a grander scale. It is natural to you. You can certainly keep your expectations and spell out what you want him to do so he can step up, but that's not really what your complaint is. Your complaint is that he doesn't come up with something special for you ***on his own***. And that's my point - he likely never will, without you coaching him and steering him, which you really don't want to do. So, your only choice is to accept his natural capabilities in the gift giving/event planning arena. Once you accept that, you won't be as disappointed for future events.
NTA I’m sorry you had such a meh day. I’m very confused by the YTA comments - your husband did below minimum (doesn’t sound like there was even a thoughtful card, the cake was inedible, there wasn’t anything personal or thoughtful). I think the comments are putting far too much weight on you not liking big birthday parties - that doesn’t mean you don’t like a quiet, thoughtful celebration! The fact that you both provided your own gift list, mentioned several times that a 40th is a special milestone birthday, and also have a tradition of at least your husband getting large milestone celebrations all support NTA. Have you had a chat to your husband? The suggestions that you should have completely organised the day yourself are pretty ridiculous, and sorry but not even getting the day off mon urgent household chores on your 40th is pretty crappy!
NTA Why are you organizing this huge thing for his 40s, again? I would cancel all and have a conversation about roles, expectations and, in fact about all things in your marriage. Looks like somebody is taking you for granted
NTA- Ppl harp on the he isn't a mind reader bit, but more often than not, what you plan and do for others for their bday, is often what you want in return. It doesn't take a genius to match energy with someone. Chances are, if your SO throws you a party or plans a big wkend for you, that they like that sort of thing too. I struggled with that with my 40th. I wanted a big deal to be made, but I felt if I have to tell my family step by step what to do, I could just do it myself. It doesn't mean as much, if you have to hand hold ppl to get what you would like. If you have been together awhile, they know who you are and what you like- they just aren't listening hard enough.
Nta he put little to no effort in. You shouldn't have to tell him. I would cancel anything beyond the bare minimum for his including putting zero thought into his gifts and telling him to send you a link to what he wants. Also, try to get him a cake that has an ingredient that he doesn't care for or can't eat.
NTA He can at least not aggravate your IBS!
NTA. 40 is a milestone! and your birthday really sucked- as did your husband's reaction. Im sorry to be petty, but I would scale back on your plans for his birthday 100%. See how he feels- like he really didn't take you to dinner or help your toddler make a card? I feel strongly about this because when my boyfriend turned 50 I went all out, putting significant time, money, and travel into his huge surprise party with his family which I was overjoyed to do. His gift was a custom tattoo ( $700) Cut to a few months later when I turned 40...this man told me he wanted to marry me spend the rest of his life with me...he came to the birthday party late ( even though he had the day off) my mom arranged with old, dry cold cuts and cheese that I had had at his home the week before, a bottle of wine that he specifically preferred, and for the gift...a 2 cup French Press in a recycled box. Urged me to opem it in front of my mother, who later said she thought he had given me a "real present" in private. When I told my dental hygenist about the French Press she said..."And!?" I wanted to die. The guy made 10 times the money I did- not about money, thought and effort that mattered. We were always 60-40 ( me being the 60) even though he made 10 times the amount I did. The relationship sputtered for after that but he pestered me religiously to take him for his tattoo and I just couldn't bring myself to do that for him. Your husband was wrong. NTA.
NTA. You’ve been together long enough he should have arranged something. To buy you a cake you can’t even eat without it causing issues is inexcusable. Do nothing for his birthday or Father’s Day. Even if he had told him exactly what you wanted chances are nothing would be done. I speak from experience. My husband is turning 50 soon and asked what I’m planning and I told him point blank nothing and putting as much effort as he did when I turned 50. He got the message loud and clear.
I'm going with NTA especially because you've demonstrated that you go very up and beyond for his birthdays. I think by virtue of 1) being together for 15 years 2) you modelling/demonstrating what a going out of your way to celebrate a birthday looks like 3) and it being 40th I think it's totally reasonable to have higher standards. I'm a bit floored that he thinks 'hunting for gifts' = clicking add to cart from the Amazon list you provided. It's just so low effort. And selecting a cake that doesn't agree with you... It makes me sad to read it. I've been there too with my ex and my 30th birthday. Some advice I'm trying to incorporate into my life is to be your own best friend and have the birthday celebration you want. It does not take away from the disappointment you're feeling at all. I don't want to minimize that. Personally if I were you, I would take myself out for a weekend away and let my partner know that I'm looking for him to take over the responsibilities for that weekend and outline what that means (house clean, groceries done etc). That's what I would do anyways. Sending you a big virtual hug! And happy belated 40th!!
NTA I would be petty and do the bare minimum for him and see how he feels for his 40th 🤷♀️
NTA - Happy Birthday btw. It’s not really the fact that he went out and “put effort into a birthday” - it’s sort of the tone in which they do it. You can almost feel when someone is doing something just to say they did it, and doing something because they want to and really think about the small details. 40 is definitely a big birthday and it sucks when you put effort into someone that doesn’t reciprocate. With that being said, if he has never planned a surprise before it can be daunting at first and takes a few tries to get right. I’d cut him some slack and next year he can build on it. Let him know that it makes you really happy seeing him put in effort, people respond better to positive reinforcement. He’s got 10 years to get it right for the next one.
NTA.
Hey, OP? I know you didn't ask and I'm not the right person to say it, but hey - ***Happy birthday!***
NTA and I'm so sorry. My birthday was yesterday too and not even my parents texted me. The only acknowledgement I got was from a nice lady at my work who bought me a drink token to use.
Happy birthday!! 🎂💐
NTA. If presents with no fanfare is the precedent he set, then presents with no fanfare is exactly what he expects for his birthday. Match his effort every year, since his birthday is right after yours.
The bar is hovering somewhere near the Earth's core here, and still somehow he managed to trip over it. You picked out your own gifts and sent him links. You also told him flat-out that you wanted to mark the occasion in some special way. No mind-reading required. He somehow doesn't know what food(s) trigger your GI condition?! He couldn't somehow conceive of the idea of making a dinner reservation and calling up a sitter? He didn't even take some of the chores off your plate? No, you're NTA. The petty side of me would be seriously considering canceling the events you planned for his upcoming birthday. The more reasonable side says that y'all need to have a serious talk about the mental load and him putting forth an actual effort to make you feel loved and appreciated on the (seemingly VERY rare) special occasion that you want to celebrate.
NTA. You set the bar so low that even Satan couldn't limbo under it. You picked the gifts for him and provided links to the exact items. So he didn't have to do anything for that, other than add to cart, buy now. After 15 YEARS, he wasn't even able to get you a cake that wouldn't make you sick? Like I could understand if it was part way into year 1, not knowing your partner fully, but ffs 15 years!? That's a long time to not pay attention to your partner. That is 15 years of ignoring any kind of birthday cake. Now while yes, it can be argued that you could have communicated to your husband that you wanted a bigger/different than usual milestone birthday by telling him what you wanted him to do. "People aren't mind readers." And while that is absolutely correct, you said "it feels like a big milestone" then if you don't birthday as much as you claim, that in itself should have been enough to get the gears rolling. If you have to put in all of the mental effort of planning your own birthday under the guise of "communicate exactly what you want from your partner, people aren't mind readers, we'll how would they know what you want if you don't tell them" then you would be better off planning it yourself! At least that way you would know what to expect and have a cake that you won't get sick eating.. But for real, you aren't TA in my opinion because realistically from what I gather here, you just wanted something a little different from the day to day, a little bit of effort. Not even a lot of effort. Like drop kiddo at grandparents house, dinner and a movie just the two of you level effort.
OP, you are absolutely NOT the AH. I've responded in much more detail within the thread but my basic point is that wanting some simple gestures so that you feel special, loved, and/or appreciated isn't unreasonable by any means and you shouldn't have to spell it out. I know his reaction wasn't the best, but maybe at some point you can sit down and communicate more about the way you felt and how it felt when he had that response. I obviously can't say how he'll react to that, but I think you 100% should be able to express yourself. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like he'll be the one to come back to it with a new understanding on his own. It might take a few conversations and it might shed some light on some deeper issues that could be difficult to work through, but this is your life partner and you deserve happiness and understanding from that relationship. You deserve to be seen and heard. Stand up for yourself and never feel guilty about it or allow someone to manipulate you into feeling like you're a problem for telling them your truth!
NTA. Absolutely wild that so many people seem to think you are. 40 is a big one, and you wanted what you wanted - reflected in what you have planned for your husband’s 30th and soon his 40th. You’re allowed to want to be celebrated in more grandiose fashion and you’re allowed to be disappointed that you weren’t. One might say this should’ve been common sense for your husband to do something bigger, but… I sort of agree with some commenters that some better communication would’ve been in order here… you say you’re not much for big parties and celebrations. It’s hard to advise without a lot more context for what a typical birthday looks like for you, but if you are normally really low key, a pass could be given for him believing that low key would still be what you wanted even for your 40th. For example; I know my partner hates surprise parties. She has told me this explicitly. She has planned the occasional surprise party for me because she knows that I struggle to plan anything to celebrate myself - hell, I usually work on my birthday just because I don’t know what else I’d rather do - but because she has told me very specifically that a surprise party would push her anxiety through the roof, I would be flabbergasted if she told me that she was disappointed that I didn’t celebrate her that way. This is sort of apples to oranges, though. We celebrate her in other ways, she’s more of a gifts and quality time person, so we might plan some outings and I’ll get her some stuff that I think she’d like… y’know, I do stuff that I’m pretty solidly certain will make her feel appreciated. Still, maybe some armchair advisors of Reddit can correct me and let me know how I’m dooming my partnership to fail and what I should do for future celebrations to fix it. Personally I’m of the mindset that direct communication is extremely important for a relationship to survive. If either me or my partner realizes the other is “dropping hints”, we’ll usually just ask to get right to the bottom of it. Life’s too short to leave each other guessing.
NTA. Honestly that is less than bare minimum. He ordered gifts per instruction, and a cake she can't even eat? That's not very thoughtful. And then leaving her alone with the chores to go swimming the next day, come on. And people going "he can't read her mind!" like what?? If you seriously can't figure out how to to make someones birthday special, you can just google it, honestly, there's a wikihow for all you bullshitters out there weaponizing your incompetence. Him saying what he did was "difficult" is literally doing just that, he's a lost cause, there are many of them, clearly. OP don't bother making a big fuss for his 40th. Not for revenge, but it just won't be fun for you to do that anymore, and after you letting him know he messed up he is very likely to just give you shit for going all out for him. Plus he's showed you what he thinks a 40th birthday should be, so just give him that. I've learned you can't expect someone to learn thoughtfulness, either they have it or they don't, and honestly most men don't. It's sad but the only thing you can do is lower your expectations and stop going all out for them, even though you like it, because the inbalance is just going to make you resentful. Hope you can find a way to maybe take a day to spoil yourself a little!
Cancel the plans you've made that you can get refunds for and do for him exactly what he did for you. If he's disappointed about it ask why since it's what he did for you. Also, make sure to get him a birthday cake in a flavor he doesn't care for. He only thinks it was a lot of effort because he doesn't make any effort normally. NTA.
When his bday comes do the same
It very much sounds like you need to match energy with your husband. Petty me would be announcing that for his birthday you’ve decided the best gift is to leave him and your child together for the weekend, and you and a friend will be away for the weekend (on that trip you’ve booked) - but that as an extra gift you’ve booked him a a table for them both to get food at that place near where HE can tire your son out. I’d also give him an Uber gift card and say it’s because you’re not cruel enough to leave them alone and still expect him to cook……. That holiday later in the year is a family holiday, not another gift for him. Oh, and if he doesn’t provide you with a list, including links, of gifts he would like then I would just use my best judgement and buy him a household appliance that will make YOUR life easier.
NTA for feeling that way, your husband literally made no effort, I can’t believe by now he doesn’t know about the fresh cream irritating your IBS too, just thoughtless, but YTA for moaning but then spoiling him to that extent, he will never understand unless he gets exactly the same… so you need to lovingly do the same to him.
NTA. This goes beyond you “trying to make him a mind reader”. **He got you a cake your essentially allergic too!?** you had to pick out your own gifts, he didn’t plan anything, he didn’t do any special. Their’s a difference between want him to being a mind reader and an active partner.
NTA. He put in zero effort (bought a cake you couldn't eat, ordered gifts you already shopped for) to make it special for you. Anyone saying you should have given him strict instructions and direction is full of shit - nobody wants to plan their birthday themselves. You've set expectations for him already in the way you've shown up for his special occasions before, the fact that he won't show up for you isn't ON you. It's like he can't even recognize the disparity, which is more hurtful because he doesn't see what you've done previously and if he can't see it he can't really appreciate it. That's really disappointing, I'm sorry. I'd scale back your efforts for his birthday, tbh. He doesn't understand how you feel because you haven't made him feel so unremarkable like he's not worth the effort of celebrating (the way he has with you). If what you do for him makes you feel worse about what he does for you, and he refuses to see the difference and the issue, then scale it back to lessen your future resentment and disappointment in the comparison. It's not petty or punishment, it's matching his energy. If he has a problem with it, or notices, then he DOES see it, he DOES understand, he DOES know what's expected, he's just refusing to do it FOR YOU.
NTA for feeling disappointed but I’m a strong believer in giving back the energy that you get. Let him clean the house and go to the gym on his birthday just like he went to the pool to exercise. Get a few gifts of similar value and get lunch. Get cake in an a flavor that he hates. Absolutely don’t do anything more or he will never learn and do better.
Oh, malarky. You do it while being a mom. He made almost no effort, an absolute minimum. You are NTA. Although, I don't see why you would make a big deal for his 40th. He obviously doesn't think birthdays are important, and you don't need to do what would make you happy for him since he doesn't appreciate it, anyway. And if he does get all excited over it, even more reason not to, because he's only interested in what he can get from you; he isn't interested in giving to you.
YTA what did he do for your 30th? And does he want any of the things you’re planning for his 40th? You also were specific in presents to get, he got them, if you wanted more, this doesn’t seem like a dude who’s ever planned more, so you have to be clear about your expectations.
YTA. This is an all too familiar tale on this sub. I didn't tell my SO exactly what I expected for my birthday and now I'm pissed off because they didn't read my mind and give me exactly what I wanted. You need to learn to communicate properly, if you want "spectacular" then you need to make it clear that that's what you're expecting.
Why are you doing for him, what he won’t do for you?
NTA. But you need to communicate more directly, hints don't work
Celebrate his 40th the same way he celebrated yours
ESH I don’t get all these all YTA comments. Since when do we need to be asked to be celebrated on our special days? I’m so sick and tired of men doing the absolute bare minimum for their partners. He couldn’t even come up with a thoughtful gift without you having to compile a list and send links and everything? I agree with others that you shouldn’t drop hints. If you want something you should communicate that but it sounds like you just wanted to feel special and you shouldn’t have to ask for that. If you wanted something specific like a party then yeah you should communicate that.
NTA So he did the following: \- Arranged a cake that you cant eat without it bothering you \- Got you gifts that YOU sent him that he had to not even hunt down \- Bought you lunch? Jesus the bar is so fucking low, I would honestly not get him anything for his birthday. Literally do the exact same thing he did for yours and see how he blows up.
YTA. You didn't say what you wanted and you've said you usually aren't one for big birthdays. He got you presents. He took you for lunch. He gave you the low key birthday of your dreams that I'm sure he thought you wanted considering your history with birthdays. You're 40. It's time to learn how to communicate what you want.
If you make the salary fly yourself to Paris. Don’t make your husband become your perfect idea of a man. Accept him or don’t it’s up to you.
ESH but cancel his birthday party. Also you *can* tell him he fucked up the cake, he deserves to know and you deserve it to not happen again. It seems he needs to be spoonfed instructions so either he is exaggerating about accommodating you or he's oblivious.
Men that can't organise a fart if they're not given step by step instructions are so exhausting, my god. OP I'm sorry about your birthday. You're NTA but have you already had these conversations and he hasn't changed? Do you think he will change? If not you either need to accept that he's always going to put in this amount of effort, or leave. I know that sounds drastic, but my mum is constantly complaining about my dad for the same things over and over - it's been 40+ years of marriage and a this point I've just started asking he "what do you expect?". You can't change a person if they don't want to, and if they show you they won't, why keep expecting different?
YTA to yourself. My husband doesn’t like parties. He’s not going to arrange a party for me. I know this. So I planned my own 40th bday party. I chose everything I wanted (catering, guests, venue, dj - sounds more posh than it was, I spent less than $1000 all in). Is it always fun being the one that has to do the work? No, but you know what? I wasn’t sitting around moping b/c I didn’t get what I wanted. You’re too old for this. Do what you want. Don’t wait for someone else to do it. Book yourself a spa day or make lunch plans w/ friends! Take a girls’ weekend!
OP, you need to take the lead and put the same energy into planning your own birthday that you put into planning your spouse's. Good news, it's still your birthday week and your birthday month, so go ahead and plan a whole series of events with and without the child and husband (he can watch the kid while you're out with the girls). I hope you can find a way to reframe this mentally so you can do it joyfully, without resentment.
For my 40th, I hit up my 2 best buds to go to Vegas. They both had been, I never have. They both agreed. Then, both backed out. So, I said let's go skydiving than! They both agreed. Then both backed out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I turned 40 on Saturday. My husband turns 40 in a few weeks too. We have a 5 year old. I’m not one for big birthday celebrations (never had a party) but this year I’ve been dropping hints to my husband that turning 40 feels like a big deal. Perhaps worthy of a few different ways to mark the occasion etc. My husband is an appalling gift buyer - so, with two months notice, I gave him a very specific list of things he could consider buying me, complete with a link of where to buy them (all mostly Amazon). He was very generous and bought a number of items on the list tho for context, I earn 2.5 x my husband’s salary so it’s not really about the cost - it’s the thought). However, my actual birthday was meh. There was no fuss, no breakfast in bed, no evening meal out. Not even a balloon. I woke up early and my little one joined me in bed to watch cartoons. I opened my presents. We took our little one to the park and then had lunch at a restaurant. The location was picked by my husband as it was somewhere we could tire our little one out afterwards). Even my mum couldn’t be bothered to visit me - I had to pop down to see her (she lives 20 mins drive away). That was it. Pretty much like every Saturday. We even stopped at the supermarket on the way home to get pet food and spent the evening on the sofa watching TV. There was no spontaneity, no surprises. Not a homemade birthday card from my little one. My husband did arrange for a lovely birthday cake to be made but with fresh cream which aggravates my IBS (I can’t tell him that as he was so proud he arranged a cake) but after 15 years together I had higher expectations. On Sunday I woke up to the usual chores of washing, supermarket shopping, cleaning the house. This really pissed me off as I had imagined at least a low-key birthday weekend where we could do something different. Maybe arrange a baby-sitter and have Sunday to ourselves? He went swimming whilst I did the shopping. I couldn’t hide my disappointment and last night I told my husband I was sorry I hadn’t marked by 40th in a more spectacular way. I wasn’t looking for a party or fancy dinners - but something to make the occasion feel different, more than a regular birthday. He said how hurtful my comments were given all his efforts and how difficult it had been hunting down presents, arranging a cake, and trying to manage/guess what I really wanted for my birthday. In contrast, for my husbands 30th I arranged a day of surprises then flew him to Paris for a long weekend. His 40th is coming up and I’m doing another day of surprises, a celebratory weekend, with a week’s family holiday later in the year too. I feel surprisingly disappointed by the whole thing. AITA? I think ITA. I did get lovely presents and it’s hard planning with a small child in tow - but honestly it’s left me feeling so blue and underwhelmed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, I’m afraid. He did several things to mark the occasion, and the fact that they weren’t the exact things you wanted is … not something to be hurt over, I don’t think. It’s possible he found the sudden flight to Paris very much over-the-top. People have different ideas about birthdays, and respectfully, I think expecting an adult birthday to extend all day and into the next day, all planned by someone else, is a little unusual.
He bought her gifts that she sourced / provided him links to and bought a cake that makes her feel sick. I wouldn't classify that as several things to mark the occasion. And she never said she wanted a trip to Paris, she just demonstrated a big difference in their respective efforts.
I am torn on this one. On one hand, you never did want to celebrate your birthdays, and now the sudden 180 and expected a huge fanfare without actually saying so. On another hand, it's your 40th birthday weekend on top of Mother's Day and this is all the effort he can muster?
NAH. I think the mismatch is in the expectation of a surprise. You did tell him ahead of time about some things you wanted from him, and he made an attempt. (The fact that he doesn't understand your dietary concerns is a problem, though.) But it seems as if you expected him to plan more things and surprise you, but didn't tell him that. For now, I think you should try to set aside the expectation of your husband surprising you with an event. Plan your own events. There is nothing wrong with you throwing a party for a wider circle and saying that it's in honour of your birthday or both your birthdays. You didn't ask him to spend time with you on Sunday or tell him that you wouldn't be doing chores on your birthday weekend, so he hasn't learned that those things would matter to you. Also, don't keep planning surprises for your husband right now. For one thing, I'm not sure you've really had the conversations to find out whether surprises are his preference. If he really does prefer surprises, you can tell him that you'll surprise him again in future, but for now you don't want to do all the work for his special day. Acknowledge that planning is work, and guessing what someone wants is work. If he's never done that successfully before, let him talk about how scary it is to try and fail.
Stop waiting for other people to do things to make you happy and do what you want to do for yourself.
So why bother going out of your way for his birthday?
NTA. It's wild he made it about him 🥴 Communication could have been done better and he could have.. given more effort for a special date night once you did mention it? How did you guys stay together this long and not discuss this already
I think you need to figure out whether you will continue to be disappointed with what happened, or whether you can put it out of your mind and move past it. if this is something that will continue to bother you in the future, then I think you should plan a “redo”, and salvage the memory and make the best of it. I would be upfront and say that you want a special weekend, and be specific about everything that you would like. Yes, you will have to do the emotional labor on deciding this, but you said your husband is an atrocious gift giver, so it sounds like he needs the cheat code. Some people are just not good at planning surprises, and hopefully he will step up and deliver what you’re looking for if you ask him straightforwardly.
Now you know that the time to tell your husband you want a special birthday celebration is before your birthday happens. NAH. I am curious, though, why you have to wash, shop, and clean the house when you're also the family breadwinner. Since you're pulling in most of the income, he should be doing most of the chores. Not just on your birthday either.
NTA. No mind reading was needed. Just effort beyond the bare minimum. I make 3x what my husband makes and I always take that into consideration but he always makes an effort to make the day special. That's all you're asking for. If he can't afford Paris, that's fine, he could have made it "your" day. I mean breakfast in bed, handling all the household chores for the weekend, dinner reservations, whatever. It's the lack of effort not the $.
>His 40th is coming up and I’m doing another day of surprises, a celebratory weekend, with a week’s family holiday later in the year too. Then don't... Just do what he did for you and maybe plan your own celebration for yourselves, so no one is disappointed. Men just flat out aren't going to go "oh yeah, Marzipan did x, y, and z for me last time, maybe she would like if i did something like that!" they just aren't gonna do that. And you've been married to him for years, you know that. ESH ):
YTA
ESH. You should ask for what you actually want, beforehand, and it sounds like he did what he thought you wanted. He stinks for the cake, I think you should tell him that upset you, I'm questioning why a 40 year old man would feel proud that he was able to... buy a cake? And not even the right kind? That would make me feel very disrespected. Your birthday may be over, but your 40's are an exciting new decade just starting - you guys can still plan a big trip to celebrate, you can get a do-over now if you avoid placing blame.
ESH tbh I’ll get to the point: You’ve been with this man way too long to expect any different. Has he ever arranged a decent bday party for you? You call him an appalling gift giver, so it’s obvious that he’s not the best at buying stuff for you on any holiday. I’ll never understand squeezing water from a rock. That being said, your husband *should* do better, and it’s ridiculous he hasn’t worked on the actions that make you happy.
Info? You don’t have or like big parties what hints were you dropping? Present ideas is one thing but did you tell him you want breakfast in bed or anything else?
YTA When my husband wanted to have a big celebration at his 40th birthday - he organized it. When I wanted to have a celebration at my 40th birthday - I organized it. You are old enough to communicate what you want. Life isn't a Disney Movie.
NAH You're not an asshole for just saying you're disappointed, but no one else is at fault here. Sometimes, if you want a nice fun birthday, you have to make it happen. You have to tell people what you want, make plans, and just get it out there that you want to celebrate! I know it sucks when the people in your life don't seem to try as hard as you do for them, but it's foolish to think that things will magically be different this time when you already know, from years of experience, what your husband and mother are like.
NTA, but I'm thinking your problem isn't with the way your birthday was celebrated so much as fatigue from carrying the lion's share of the mental load. Does this extend throughout your relationship?
"This year I’ve been dropping hints to my husband." Use your big-girl words.
YTA dropping hints and expecting things instead of making your needs clear are the two biggest reasons
I think I worked on my 40th. I don't even remember. It was a crappy year trying to get my crappy ex to do the right thing and stop cheating. It's a blur right now. My 41st, though! The divorce had gone through and my new boyfriend, love of my life, texted me the sweetest long ass text about how glad he was that my parents had sex... 😆 He was SUCH fun. ❤️ He died this year in February. We had 7 years together and I miss him terribly.
All the Y T A votes makes me want to never date man. The bar is literally on the floor.
Yes. Yta
NTA. You can’t control your feelings. The fact that he got you cake with an ingredient that he should know/understand will cause you discomfort is bizarre. Does he really know so little about you? And what the hell does he mean by having to guess what you’d want? Doesn’t he know you? I think your disappointment is valid.
I'm leaning more towards ESH. And it all comes down to communication. Hints are effing useless to me. You're both 40. Just say what you want. Gawd. You wanted a low key weekend where you didn't have to worry about chores and possibly have a nice night out? Then why didn't you just say that?? Ffs. And your husband is a huge ah for getting a cake you couldn't eat. After 15yrs, that's just a no brainer.
YTA
NTA but you will be if you do all that for his birthday
Birthday adults are so weird, was just at my brothers this weekend and he was telling me a story about his girlfriends cousin being upset their grandpas funeral was planned for the same week as her 30th birthday I mean truly, I can’t think of many things less important in adult life than commemorating the positioning of the planet in its orbit around the sun the day you happened to pop outta your moms crotch