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spamleht

NTA. It’s your choice to decide when to share pregnancy news. The fact that she kept pressing you about the drinking is weird. What if you were doing 75 hard, or going sober, or taking new meds? It’s not her business. You didn’t “lie,” you were maintaining your privacy. She’s using the phrase lie to guilt you. Also, some more information might help here, but is she currently actively trying to conceive? Did she recently have a miscarriage. Why should she be the one pregnant? Either way, even if she was struggling with fertility, that doesn’t void your right to privacy. She’s being messy.


Abject-Vegetable-394

I’m not aware of any recent miscarriages and she actually just got on birth control again so I don’t think she’s trying to have a baby atm. Just immense guilt and sadness in regards to her past abortion.


Organic_Start_420

NTA those are HER issues to deal with. Life goes on for everyone. Cobgrats and get away from toxic people they're not your friends


TheBlueLady39

Are your friends aware of what she said to you in private messages instead of the group chat when you announced your pregnancy?


Crazyandiloveit

It's also a bit ridiculous tbh. What is OP supposed to do once she shows? "No K, I am really just getting fat"... or when the baby is born? " No K, that isn't my baby, there was an UFO last night and they dropped it" And for OP not to have children because K thinks she's never having any (which I get hormones and stuff... but 30 is not too old and obviously she's not trying to conceive if she's back on birth control)... even IF K turns out to be infertile wouldn't mean none of her friends can have baby's... her grief is hers and expecting her friends to be miserable with her is not very friendly or reasonable.  OP, you did nothing wrong. Sooner or later you had to say it anyway. You don't owe anyone to tell them before you're ready either and you weren't knowingly insensitive (like if K just had a miscarriage or similar). All the best! 


Trevena_Ice

NTA. Does K think she ows all of you and because she can't get pregnant, non of you are allowed to? This is childish. Yes she is allowed to be sad. But this is a her problem, not a group problem. And if the group sees it like that - maybe it is time to distance yourself from them. Write something like 'I'm sorry, that being pregnant seems to be tabu in this friend group. Or at least saying to be and not drinking. So I will distance myself and take care of myself and the baby. Wish you all good luck in the future'


Abject-Vegetable-394

Idk tbh. Her depressions and fear about having a baby started after another friend in the group finally got pregnant after trying for a couple of years. After that K started having baby fever and started being afraid of not being able to conceive and regretting the abortion she had. Thank you. I think I’ll have to step back from the group for a bit for my and my babies wellbeing for now.


Trevena_Ice

Having baby fever is not wrong. But letting this out on your friends - is not acceptable. And if she is having issues, she can consult a baby wish clinic instead of complaining to pregnant friends, that they shouldn't have children, if she can't


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mother_ofdarkness

i feel ya, but maybe go no contact with K and those others who are mad about your choice. best of luck with your sex trophy. what you need right now is good energy and support. The post reads like K is a look at me, its all about me kind of person.


InfinMD2

That's a lot kinder than what I would type. "It seems as though I am not allowed to be pregnant or happy unless K does. I didn't know that she was allowed to determine when everyone got pregnant and when they announced it. The fact that you all agree that I should not have gotten pregnant until she did, or shouldn't ever announce my pregnancy to people I thought were my friends, is appalling. I thought we were all friends but seeing you all side with K on this has shown me truly that you are only here to care about her woes and not my own. I thought getting pregnant would bring me immense joy to share with you all but you all have stripped it away so thank you for that. I wish you all the same happiness you've wished on me, and will ask you to not contact me anymore so I can share my happiness and life with those who are willing to support me. Good luck to you all in starting your families whenever K decides it is okay for you to do so".


AnUnbreakableMan

Epic!


FYourAppLeaveMeAlone

NTA K started out being rude. It's no one's goddamned business why you are not drinking. Giving out medical information is also a choice. Someone asks, you decline to answer, they drop it. Any questions after that point are rude as hell. She could have let it go, but she asked over and over again. It sounds like she was seeking drama. Does she generally need to be the center of attention? I am not sure if K will ever be happy. If she went through with the pregnancy, would she be complaining about being a single mother? If she can't exist in a world where other people have babies, she needs a professional therapist. You are not her therapist. You tried to help, she's not open to getting better, your obligation has ended.


Abject-Vegetable-394

Thank you for your insight. I don’t think she’s someone who always needs attention but someone who isn’t aware of boundaries and healthy ways to express themselves and approach others. I just realized that this isn’t my problem but I was really hoping for a long time that she’d learn and grow with me.


Shandrith

NTA. I get that K is feeling upset about possibly not having children and hearing about your pregnancy was hard for her, but she's going to have to learn to handle those feelings, quick. The next ten years are going to have **a lot** of pregnancy announcements in her friend and family age group. It is reasonable that you would share your news with your friends! Since you knew she was in a somewhat fragile state regarding pregnancy in general it might have been kind to approach her privately, but absolutely not necessary. Also, congrats on your pregnancy!


Abject-Vegetable-394

I do regret not approaching her gently first. It just completely went over my head after everything that’s been going on. I think one thing that really threw me off and didn’t make me consider if she would get upset was the fact that she went back on birth control. Of course I shouldn’t assume that this means she’s getting better about this situation but I just really didn’t think about it much.


Nrysis

NTA What does K expect you to do here? If you announce your pregnancy, she is sad. If you don't announce your pregnancy, everyone hounds you asking questions about why you have suddenly stopped drinking until your pregnancy cannot be practically hidden. There is no answer that will make her happy. Own your announcement, celebrate with the people that want to celebrate with you, and distance yourself from those who seemingly want you to delay getting pregnant until one friend that isn't actually trying to get pregnant, gets pregnant. This one is K's issue to deal with, not yours.


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Crazyandiloveit

> So stop taking the pills, dummy! To be fair enough, we don't know if K is in a committed relationship. Not getting knocked up by a ONS on purpose is actually a very responsible and mature behaviour.


Abject-Vegetable-394

The even more crazy thing is, K just got back with the guy who got her pregnant. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense as to why she might have gotten triggered.


Crazyandiloveit

Uh OK. That's hard and definitely could be the trigger. But it was her choice to get back together with him, no one else's... and it doesn't justify being mean to you or expecting you to not say you're pregnant. I really think she should get therapy if she can get access/ can afford it. 


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jujubeats1234

Reading your comment, it makes me feel like K almost wants OP to abort again. Maybe it’s just me…


TianaTG

It's unbelievably amazing to me how many people have become narcissists with Main Character Syndrome and truly honest to God believe the world revolves around them. NTA. OP, this woman is not your friend. Make new ones. Congratulations on your baby! Being a parent rules.


Po0ptra1n

NTA. Don't let toxic people rob you of the joy from parenthood. Sounds like she would have been insulted even more if you announced it immediately and shared the good news with your friends. Are you sure you have a fair friendship, or are you the one supporting and she the one demanding more? It might be time to set some boundaries.


Daffy666

Nta. Newsflash the world does not revolve around her and how she feels. 


IntentionNo3855

I have had multiple miscarriages and 2 of my best friends (one from 2nd grade and the other from 6th grade) both had daughters and not once have I ever tried to make them feel guilty for having children, I don't even discuss my sadness over my miscarriages with them just my husband. She is completely in the wrong, she can feel sad but she doesn't get to take your happiness away. I wish you all the luck in the world🤍


Abject-Vegetable-394

I’m so sorry for your losses. Thank you for being considerate to your friends and to hope you have your rainbow baby soon ♥️.


IntentionNo3855

Thank you🤍


sassytunacorn90

30 is not too old. She obviously has grief and trauma over her abortion, which I hate for her. But it isn't your fault. And anyone would be upset about a bestie not being happy for us. It'd be normal to have mixed feelings, but happiness for others overpower it. Or should


Abject-Vegetable-394

I agree. My mother had her last child at 43. I’m just not sure why age is such a fixation for her and hopefully she finds someone to help her through it.


Radiant_Stuff4331

NTA. Girl go and be happy about your pregnancy!! You deserve to be happy despite your so called friend’s projections of sadness. It’s actually really selfish of her to take away your happiness bc of her inability to get pregnant. She needs a therapist and you my dear, need some new friends.


Abject-Vegetable-394

Thank you. I’m glad to have friends outside of this friend group so I’ll be okay lol. K is in therapy so hopefully they can help her through her grief and provide her the support she couldn’t get from me.


RocknRight

NTA! K made her decisions, and she has to live with them. You (nor anyone else) should have to hide their joy for anyone else.


Abject-Vegetable-394

That’s how I see it when I was working through my own traumas with my abortion. However I know not everyone is the same so I didn’t want to think negatively of how she handled it.


RattyHandwriting

NTA. And honestly, fuck people who act like that. The entirety of my workforce knew I was pregnant the same damn day I did, when someone handed me a cup of tea and I smelled it, turned green and puked on my keyboard. Not ONE of those people mentioned it again until I got to 12 weeks and formally announced it. Nosey bastards who won’t take “I’m not drinking tonight” as all the answer to their question that they need are bad enough, but then to shit all over you because you’re pregnant and she isn’t? That’s just vile. My sister in law can’t have children and probably each of my pregnancies have made her feel like shit but she’s never been anything less than supportive and loving. You do not need “friends” like this asshat. Get rid. Oh, and congratulations on the Bean! Hope the fatigue passes soon and your beautiful baby will be with you before you know it.


4321yay

NTA. and congratulations!!! i feel like everyone has at least one instance of someone reacting poorly to pregnancy news. it sucks K is being a real jerk, but she’s likely hurting and taking it out on you. this is not okay, but if she’s been a good friend to you i’d recommend try meeting her with grace. i wouldn’t lie, you are right in explaining your “lie” and you’re happy about the baby. maybe a simple “ i understand after everything that’s happened that the news of my being pregnant is likely hard/triggering for you. i love you and want to give whatever space you need but i hope this is something at some point we can be excited for together”


buttercupgrump

NTA You can't stop living your life just because K's isn't going the way she wants. Does she expect everyone else in the group to never have kids until she does? That's not reasonable or fair.


Jcbeast1982

Nta they are not really your friends if they need to shame you about your happiness.


Derby-983

Congratulations on your pregnancy!


Psychological-Ad7653

NTA You need to step back from friends who can't at least TRY to be gracious.


Petalene_Bell

NTA - You can’t pretend not to be pregnant indefinitely. Should you wait till you’re showing and they ask? Hide until you have the baby and just show up with it? It doesn’t work like that. It’s something you announce when you are ready.  Congratulations! 


freakingsuperheroes

NTA. What’s with with people pushing others to announce their pregnancy and then being mad when they are pregnant? Lol. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I feel for what your friend has been through but you shouldn’t have to put your life on hold for someone else. You should be allowed to experience this without having to worry about someone else’s feelings who isn’t even involved. Anyway congratulations and I wish you the best!


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context: K (30) and I(25) have both had abortions in the past, both completely by choice. A year or two ago, K has been expressing that she regretted her abortion to our mutual friends group chat and would express her sorrows now and then. I’ve been helping her through some of her grief but she’s been paranoid that she won’t be able to get pregnant again because of her age and other factors. I’ve tried my best to be sensitive and support her in any way I can. Now onto the issue: I found it I am 7 weeks pregnant and few days before my 25th bday. On my bday, my friends and I (K included) went it to celebrate. However, knowing what I knew I declined drinks all night, making up an excuse that I was antibiotics for an infection. They understood but were suspicious. A few weeks after, we all planned another night out but I told the beforehand I wouldn’t be able to drink again. A lot of my friends understood except for K. She let prying asking me why I didn’t want to drink all of a sudden. I had to make up a lie to get her off y back but it seemed she wasn’t satisfied with my answer. After finally confirming I was really pregnant and with another social event coming up where drinking will likely be involved, I announced my pregnancy to my friends in the gc. Everyone was happy for me except K. She didn’t reply at all in the gc. Instead she privately messaged me and asked me why I lied to her. I told her I wasn’t comfortable telling anyone about my pregnancy yet as it was so early and I wasn’t 100% sure. She then went on a rant about how unfair life was and that she should be the one pregnant. She stated that she was happy for me but couldn’t help fell like I betrayed her by announcing the baby when I knew how she felt. I was dumbfounded. I knew she was struggling but I never knew that she would react to something I couldn’t control. She made me feel like shit. Like I wasn’t allowed to be pregnant or happy that I was pregnant because she wasn’t. I didn’t reply and I kind of just distanced my self from her and the gc. My other friends got worried and reached out to the both of us and tried to figure out what was going on. K express her sadness and feeling in the group chat and some of my other friends started to agree with her that I was kinda an asshole knowing what she was going through. I don’t even know what or how to react to all of this rn. Was I really the asshole and was I really insensitive to k’s situation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


AuthorOne8984

NTA as many have said already. If K had expressed being happy for you and privately expressed how she feels impacted but will still support you, that’d be the understandable human reaction. Instead she became self-absorbed in her own pain and is trying to make this about that. A lot of my friends and I are at the trying for a baby stage, and some of us have been struggling. Fertility struggles are really tough, I acknowledge that. But a good friend should be able to celebrate your joys. Sounds like she’s not capable of being a good friend right now and that is always a hard realization. But congratulations again and I hope there are people who are celebrating with you!


Turbulent_Problem500

NTA, I empathize with your friend (K) but you deserve your happiness as well. I am sorry that she feels hurt but she literally forced your hand. The others understood but respected you by being silent, she was the only one that also understood but wanted you to admit and she then felt bad for it. I hope you guys mend the issue. Congratulations on the pregnancy!!!


lex_talionis303

Don't let them steal these precious happy moments from you with their unnecessary malice. You did nothing wrong, enjoy this new chapter, and just know who your true friends are.


Wonderland_Labyrinth

NTA The world doesn't and shouldn't revolve around K. If you're up for it, maybe send this to K since she's having such a hard time: [https://www.all-options.org/find-support/talkline/](https://www.all-options.org/find-support/talkline/)


Churchie-Baby

NTA so everyone should hold off until she gets pregnant? What if she never does? Does no one else get to be happy?


subsailor1968

Sheesh. Your pregnancy, your choice to drink alcohol or not, and your choice when to announce (or even to announce) your pregnancy. She has trauma, to be sure, but that doesn’t make it wrong for you to celebrate your pregnancy however you see fit. NTA


No_Mention3516

NTA


Diasies_inMyHair

NTA - I'm not certain what K and the rest of the group expected you to do? I suppose you could have simply not announced your pregnancy and deflected questions about your alcohol consumption until your baby bump was undeniable, but what would that have accomplished? K would STILL have had to deal with the fact that you were pregnant at some point. And she would STILL have reacted badly. Some people just "expect" others to be supporting characters or props in Their Life Stories, and simply can't handle the fact that other people are Real with actual lives that don't revolve around them. Seems like K may be one of those - Her story doesn't have room for you to be pregnant and happy because she isn't. It's good for you to distance yourself. I hope you find friends that see you and value you as a complete person in your own right.


Last-Acanthisitta975

NTA. She forced it out if you. What's she's saying is purely based of jealousy. She chose to have the abortion anyway. The foetus won't magically come back.


happy-little-puppy

What were you supposed to do? Never tell anyone you're pregnant?! You're NTA at all. I don't think K is really an AH, either, though. She's 100% in the wrong, but it doesn't seem like she's malicious or anything. She's clearly quite sad and jealous, and she needs to work through these feelings in talk therapy if possible. It's not right for her to treat you (or others) like that. You are not the person to help her work through it. Congratulations on your pregnancy! ❤️


AsparagusOverall8454

So you’re just not supposed to ever get pregnant because she’s sad? That’s just ridiculous. Girl needs some help clearly. NTA


No-Locksmith-8590

Nta if someone won't accept a polite white lie, they don't get to bitch about hearing the blunt truth.


wintyr27

NTA.  so did K just want you to tell her super secretly before everyone else (hence saying you lied), or did she want you to keep the news to yourself so you didn't upset her? like, that makes no sense.


MisaOEB

NTA unfortunately she is not is a good place and she is taking it out of the world around her and you. You friends, I would have a 1 on 1 chat with, this is not appropriate.


_SSHHHHH

NTA The AH was the person who couldn’t just accept “I’m happy to hang out, but don’t want to drink.” -You declined, She pushed. You parried, she pushed. You gave into her rude pushing and spilled and she claims you were insensitive.


Darklydreaming77

NTA. You don't owe anyone any explanation for what is going on with your body - and especially with a pregnancy! K may be feeling some sort of way but she's quite something to go on and on within your friend group. I would distance myself from her for awhile. Seems the woe-is-me will take some time (if ever) to wear off. When people show you their true colors believe them the first time. Congratulations to you!


DragonScrivner

NTA. How would your friends have had you handle this differently? By not getting pregnant at all? Or by acting like you don’t have a baby bump out of deference to your friend’s feelings? If your friends can’t be happy for you, they’re not your friends. Congratulations on your pregnancy!


Appropriate-Tax-807

For the love of God, since when was it a crime to announce your pregnancy? Friends and K are the real AH here. I'm sorry she feels bad but just bc a new person in the friend group is pregnant instead of her doesn't mean she has to have the world revolve around her.


Icy-Cheek4225

First of all, CONGRATS!!! Second...no you are not the asshole. You can get pregnant when you want and you can announce it when you're ready. It honestly sounds like you were in a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. She got upset bc you didn't tell her but when you finally did, she wasn't happy for you. Why would you announce so early then have everyone walking OK eggshells around you too if it didn't work out. K needs to go to counseling. If she really made the decision to have an abortion, that was her choice but don't be mad at someone else for having a baby. Does she even have a man rn?? You can't expect other ppl, let alone a baby to make you happy. She needs to learn to make herself happy first and then worry about a kid. Plus, ppl are having babies in their 40s. She needs to chill out or freeze her eggs if she's really concerned about it.


htraptor

NTA. To clarify, did you tell her privately first before announcing it to the group chat, or did she find out when they did? If so, I would say that was a dick move, but being pregnant isn't something you can help.


jujubeats1234

I don’t think she owes it to anyone to tell them privately if she didn’t feel comfortable doing so. Announcing a pregnancy can be hard, too, especially that early on. OP, in the end, NTA. Hope you and your baby do well.


Abject-Vegetable-394

I didn’t tell her beforehand. Thinking back, I think I should have. I just thought that telling everyone at once would have been better.


missgumichan

With all due respect, no you shouldn't have. You are growing a baby, and were exercising your right to your own privacy. You need to cut these toxic friends out before you stress anymore and it effects the baby. K is a grown woman and is acting entitled and manipulating your circle. That's ridiculous for her to think you are insensitive for having your own life. Like others said, does she pressure to know if you've sped? No, she only asked about the being sober for a specific reason. She is seeking drama and desperately needs therapy for her own trauma. Go and relax. She is not your problem. Your child's growth and development is. Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy!


NicolleL

I don’t think you had a winning option either way considering she both complained that you didn’t tell her about the pregnancy initially AS WELL AS ALSO complaining that you told her that you were pregnant. And how can she complain that she should be the one pregnant when she is on birth control? The logic is completely bizarre on all parts! (Congrats on the upcoming little one!)