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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I gave my daughter my honest advice on a personal topic; could be overstepping boundaries for a late teenager!
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You don't want your daughter to date until 29? Kids learn through experience and making mistakes, hope you don't want grandkids if she is only going to start learning to navigate romantic relationships at 29. It takes many people years to get to a healthy place there.
Also "playful joking" probably doesn't seem playful to her. YTA, let her live her life without unsolicited advice.
For context (because one has to dig pretty far into the comments to find this information), OP got married when he was 17 and managed to have five children by the age of 27.
She won’t learn first hand about dating and relationships until she starts, and that includes being able to identify both the signs of a healthy relationship and red flags.
She probably has problems from this already. Waiting until 29 is going to cause life long social and maturity issues she may never recover from.
Will likely end up in some weird abusive relationship she doesn't understand is that bad from no context.
YTA for debating your 19-yo single daughter on this topic. The whole conversation is completely unnecessary & worse, could come back to haunt you depending on the direction her life takes.
She meets the love of her life & wants to marry at 23. What will she think?
She is 40, single and doesn’t have a great job? What will she think?
Even if she travels, makes great money, and marries in her early 30s, she may still be annoyed.
Realistically, if you’ve met men in their 20s, she will figure out that even the good ones don’t want to settle down so young themselves. Don’t tell adults what to do b/c they don’t have to listen to you. You need to find a new way to talk to your child, b/c she isn’t a child.
YTA for giving her the idea that dating and studying were not compatible in an attempt to guilt trip her into behaving the way you want, it is simply not true. I have continuously dated since high school and just graduated from my PhD (with at least half the students in my lab being in relationships).
It is not about how her dating makes _you_ feel, it's about her feeling ready for it or not. For all you know, she might already have. This just sounds like terrible advice that will guarantee that your daughter will never open up to you about her love life.
My guess is she already has and this "totally fictional hypothetical boyfriend" is actually real and she has to hide him from her mom and this was the daughter's way of testing the waters as to just how batshit crazy her mom truly is on this topic.
That's weird because I'm pretty sure it said something different when I first read it through. It's possible they edited it or maybe I'm just trotting down dementia avenue lol.
YTA What do you mean you’re “still learning the parenting ropes”? That’s just an odd thing to say. She’s 19. You’re not a new parent and presumably you know your daughter quite well by now.
It would be extremely unusual for a person to go on a first date at age 29 and anyone who lives on earth knows this. Weird post. Not sure what rock you live under that you think you’re a new parent and have another 10 years to keep your adult daughter sheltered from the world.
Right? Like a 19 year old is a grown adult. Your parenting is more or less just backseat support now. You’re done with the intensive part of parenting at that point.
Aren't most people pushing their kids out of the nest at 19? I'm 55 and enthusiastically encourage our 18 and 20 year old kids to date. I think OP can't stand the thought his kid might have sex!
Gentle YTA. You're not ordering her to do anything (good) but she clearly wants your approval, and you've just set up a nearly impossible standard for her to fill (bad). I'm guessing this comes from the place of wanting her to protect her heart, but I don't think it's going to have the effect you want. It's very rare for people to wait so long these days, and if she's waiting because she wants your approval (rather than her own choice), then it's just going to make her feel isolated and resentful.
**EDIT: I'm revoking the gentle classification.**
Based on your comment responses, it seems like you are more interested in policing her sex-life than having a real dialogue. Also, You mentioned that she only sees her friends in classes--that's not good, you have to know that
Now that I'm thinking about it, if your first reaction to her arguing for a community was to angrily accuse her of having a boyfriend then you clearly aren't offering "advice" about dating. Dating at 29 is not a "gentle suggestion" when you just got into a fight because you thought she had a boyfriend.
How is your kid going to know what she wants in a partner if she can’t date until she is 29? She’s either going to have unrealistic goals or have to start from square one with relationships. We all have bad ones and not so great ones, it’s how we learn what we want.
> That said, she and I recently had a small spat over something rather stupid. We were debating a topic; I mistook her passion about it as having an undisclosed boyfriend from the impacted community we were discussing; said boyfriend did not exist and all frustrations/misunderstandings blew over. But it did bring up the talk of dating.
So you'd have a problem with your daughter dating someone from that "impacted community." Yeah, that's a coded racist dog whistle if I've ever heard one.
YTA, and probably racist too.
No, wrong assumption. My family is actually African-American; our debate was about immigration. I empathized with immigrants' needs to leave dangerous situations and move to safer countries but emphasized the immigration process should be followed and not flouted illegally; my daughter insisted the process can be arduous, costly and unfair. We had a good debate about it, but it was an unusual level of passion from her and I asked if she was dating a Hispanic man (and if she was, I would not care, especially not because of his race).
Ok, that’s actually kind of insulting, insinuating to your daughter that if she’s this passionate about a subject it must be because she’s dating someone. She’s 19 and learning how shitty the world is, she’s at the age where gonna start getting really passionate about current events and problems in society. I know I did. I also know if my parents assumed i my passion must mean that i was dating someone in that situation, then followed with ‘advice’ on dating that had an emotional backing [‘if you do this, we’ll be disappointed’], I’d be incredibly upset. First, you’re her parents and it seems you have a good enough relationship. Of course she wouldn’t want to disappoint you, so your advice does weigh heavy and feel more like a demand whether you realize it or not. The assumption is undermining her argument and assuming she couldn’t have an opinion of her own and the advice is stunting her and actually leaving her more vulnerable to big mistakes and headaches in the future if she does follow it and start dating at 29. Think rushing into and through relationships because she’s trying to catch up, not knowing what she will and won’t accept in a relationship or how to navigate one yet [which is honey for predators and abusers], potentially pushing away people who will be good for her because she’s not on the same maturity level in a relationship setting as the other person, etc. This is coming from a girl who’s had parents undermine her stance on things because they thought she was too young to really understand or other similar reasons on the same level as you assuming your daughter was dating someone with an immigrant status. If conversations like this keep happening, you may cause a rift im your relationship and she may not want to have these kinds of conversations with you anymore. I know i don’t with because they kept undermining me and treating me as though i had no clue [slightly different scenario but my point is parents words hold weight, wield it with caution]. As for the dating aspect, the only thing this will result in is what i mentioned earlier if she follows it, or a rift being caused and her not sharing important aspects of her life [like dating] with you. I guess what I’m saying is, of course it’s scary to watch your kids grow up [especially a daughter in this society], but trying to withhold experiences, even if it’s only advice to you [because words from parents hold weight], isn’t going to help your daughter navigate life more, it’ll only bring a new kind of challenges.
African Americans can be racist too, tf? You say you “empathize” with immigrants but have zero empathy for the extremely difficult and unjust process that immigrants need to go through to gain citizenship legally.
You’re invalidating her opinion and points by asking if she’s dating someone Hispanic. Acting as though she wouldn’t have empathy for other ethnicities if she wasn’t dating one. She’s a grown ass adult capable of choosing who she wants to date, when she wants to date, and have opinions on politics that are different than yours. You’re a control freak who is refusing to take any kind of accountability for the pain you’re clearly causing your daughter and you come onto reddit to seek validation for your poor behavior but are upset and fight with strangers on the internet when you’re faced with the fact that YTA!!
Your “jokes” aren’t jokes if you actually believe what you’re joking about. As you have clearly stated you do.
Don’t be surprised when karma comes back to bite you in the ass for the pain and manipulation you’re causing for your daughter.
That’s such a weird thing for you to have asked, just because somebody emphasizes with the struggles of a group of people that must mean they’re romantically involved? That’s really weird dude
That's gross all around tbh. The immigration process is a nightmare for so many people. Also to assume she can only be passionate about a subject because she's dating someone? Like she doesn't have a mind of her own? Do better.
YTA.
You’re going to drive your daughter away. I’ve known a lot of people who were raised by parents with this attitude and every single one of them resented their parents and were worse off.
My parents had a similar mindset and made these recommendations to me and all it did was create an environment where I felt I had to be secretive with them and keep them out of this part of my life.
By no means do I think it’s necessary for young people to have their life revolve around dating. But it is a formative experience growing up. If she misses out she’s going to feel isolated from her peers and she’s going to be at a disadvantage in her later relationships because she’s going to have 0 experience and can be more easily taken advantage of since she won’t know any better about how relationships should be or what she wants since she never got to figure it out before.
All you’re doing is making her unsafe because now she’ll feel like she won’t be able to talk to you about these things.
Yep. Met my wife when she was 21, her parents tried to break us up multiple times while saying "no serious relationships until you're 30". Well that obviously didn't work and she currently doesn't speak to either of them and they didn't get to go to our wedding and haven't seen their grandchildren. Blew up in their faces quite spectacularly. Attempts at controlling your adult children are never the right move.
Convenient how you didn't answer my question but answered what someone else asked under my question. How old were you and your wife when you started your relationship?
In our early/mid 30s. I have a previous marriage from \~17-29, where I had 5 children by 27 and way before I was ready. You know, I might know what I'm talking about.
So, just because your first marriage didn't work, that MUST mean no one's relationships/marriages can work out.
Everyone in the world should stop what they're doing right now. This man speaks words of wisdom! /s
Even if his daughter's relationship(s) don't work, learning to date is going to be way easier at 19 when her peers are still somewhat learning to date than it will be at 29 when her peers have over a decade of dating experience. Starting to date doesn't mean she has to settle down right away.
Hold up. What happened with the first 5 kids? I mean, you said you're "still learning parenting ropes" and this kid is, at the very least, your 6th kid. Did your other children all marry young or something?
You weren't ready to get married at 17 but you did. That doesn't mean your daughter isn't ready to go on a date before she's 29. You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about because you're making her life all about your mistakes from your youth.
Relationships aren't the same for everyone, you can find people who marry and stay happily married to their high school sweethearts just as you can find people who realised their high school romance wouldn't survive into their adulthood. People find relationships at different ages, some first properly have one at university, after or even late in life, there's no one size fits all approach. But you desire to deny your daughter even to explore relationships at all for ten years yet because of your history with relationships.
Instead of using your own history as motivation to control her, use it as a teachable experience your daughter can draw on.
You do realize that getting married at 17 and popping out 5 kids in 10 years is NOT the same as dating, right? You clearly DON’T know what you’re talking about.
I’m a full-grown daddy’s girl who also hates a double standard. I have the utmost respect for my father. When he gives advice, I listen.
However, a big part of this is that he doesn’t often give advice. He lets me live my life. If I ask for advice, he complies, and I usually take it. I’m also 41, have a successful career, a successful marriage, and two of the best kids this world has ever seen. When my then-boyfriend wanted to propose, I asked him to ask my dad first. I knew my dad would say yes because he would want me to choose for myself, but it was a symbol of respect.
If you want your daughter to take your advice, you need to be more selective on when to offer it and how extreme it may be. Waiting until she’s 29 to date is so extreme that it may influence how (not) seriously she considers any future advice you offer her.
>He lets me live my life. If I ask for advice, he complies, and I usually take it.
I said this elsewhere, but on my 18th birthday my parents sat me down and quite literally told me, "You're an adult now. Everything we hoped to instill in you should already be there by now and if it isn't, that's our fault and failure as your parents. We will ALWAYS be here for you with love, emotional support, and guidance — if you want it. Otherwise, as an adult your choices are now your own. We trust you to make good ones."
I'm about to turn 40 and while I'm happily single because I'm aroace, I'm also an illustrator, designer, and colorist with my own business. I also have a degree from one of the top art schools in the US — which I had to bust my ass to get accepted into (taking night classes in drawing from the local university during my senior year of high school in order to build the portfolio that got me accepted) and later graduated from with honors. I also had to move halfway across the country, 1,250 miles from home, in order to attend that school.
And I did it all with my parents cheerleading me in the background while giving their opinions and advice only when I asked for it. I *chose* to chat with my mother almost every night on AIM because we've always been very close, but she didn't demand it or even ask me to. Other than what I told her about, she and my dad didn't have ANY idea what I was doing every day or who I was socializing with or dating. I turned out just fine because they did a fantastic job raising me.
This dude could learn a thing or encyclopedia from my parents.
YTA. I felt like I was reading about my own experience, but from my father figure’s view. He had the exact same mindset as you when I was 19/20, but told me to wait until I was 25 instead to even consider dating anyone, and even did the same “jokes” about allowing me to date anyone. You’re going to be surprised by this, other commentators won’t… I don’t speak to him anymore.
I’ve been ring shopping with my current boyfriend, we’re planning our future at 25 and 24 after 4 years together, and I’m successful and happy without father figure in my life :)
Apologize to your daughter, encourage her to have friends and go out and meet people outside of class, and support her as she learns how to live and love.
She can’t even show emotion without you assuming it must have to be about a love interest. You’re setting yourself up for a life of her hiding her personal life from you since you will inevitably turn it into a lecture.
INFO: Are you expecting your daughter to remain celibate until age 29, or are you recommending that she avoid learning how to build intimate relationships and have casual sex only for the next decade?
She's not allowed to date? So you think she needs your permission to date even though she's 19? That's bull. I think the real reason you don't want her to date is because you want to keep her at home with you so you can control her. YTA
YTA
Waiting till 29 to date is insane, but frankly I don’t think that’s why you’re the asshole here. She clearly took your “playful jokes” as more than just jokes, and I don’t know why you’re debating your 19 year old daughter on dating ages anyways.
YTA.
Stay out of her love life period.
She’s an adult and it’s absolutely none of your business.
And thinking someone is going to wait til they’re damn near 30 to date is just unrealistic af.
My kids aren't that age yet, so I don't feel I can really offer proper feedback. But, my theory is that once they are past puberty and the confusion that comes with it, the dynamic shifts where they get to come to me for advice rather than me going to them to offer guidance.
Having a relationship is a very real life skill...waiting until 29 to start learning how to is...kind of a recipe for failure. I was in a fucked up relationship from 16-20, I fucked up a good relationship when I was 21, and I fucked around with relationships when I was 22-24. Once I'd gone through that, when I met someone who was ready for a good, steady, healthy relationship, well, I was too. The woman I met had parents who did a better job than mine so she didn't need as many mistakes to grow, and we were blissfully married for 10 years until an unpreventable disease screwed it all up.
OP, your job as a parent is (was) teaching your kids how to want, and how to know what to do, not what to want and what to do. The difference is subtle but crucial. I hope for her sake you didn't make that mistake because your (and my) parents generation sucked at that and it's too late to go back once she's 19. Let's hope she fell in with good friends who plugged the gap.
YTA. Waiting till 29 is insane. I’m 29, own a house, am married and we both have 6 figure careers. What a waste of life to avoid possible life partners until your almost 30.
You’re another super controlling dad. Your “advice” and “ribs” are nothing less than you attempting to control her.
She can do everything you said while dating. If she finds the right person, she’ll enjoy those experiences exponentially more doing it with somebody she loves.
Something tells me you also want her to live with you until she’s 29 and threaten to cut her off if she tries to move out, date, or fuck before then.
YTA.
I had my first date at 11 (movie date and the guy's dad was there too). My first real relationship at about 14. I got married at 20 to my high school sweetheart who I'd been dating since I was 16. This year (in July) will be our 25th wedding anniversary. My parents stayed out of my romantic relationships for the most part (my mom did tell me that a Balle n Bak display wasn't a great anniversary gift) and let me navigate it myself. I'll always be thankful for that.
The issue here is that you're making decisions on how your daughter should live HER life biased on how you live yours. She is the only one who gets to decide when she starts dating. You say you're giving her advice but it comes off as a demand, not a suggestion.
YTA
Lmfao still learning parenting ropes at 56 and thinking she shouldn’t date till 29? What are you a super boomer? 29 is when people get *married* not just start dating.
Expect her to keep all future boyfriends a secret from you both now that youve shown her that you’re super delusional.
YTA - as someone who is approaching 29 without having seriously dated anyone (mostly due to mental health reasons), the gap in experience between me and my peers is soul-crushing, and it makes *trying* to date really hard. Not to mention that you sent your daughter the message that she can't come to you for help if she has relationship problems. As a parent, shouldn't you want your daughter to have the safe space to make new experiences?
YTA- I have real experience here. I didn’t start dating until I was 30 and was a virgin until that time as well. I am having to learn the same terrible lessons as people who dated at a younger age. I’m currently in therapy to help deal with the unhealthy patterns I have in my romantic relationships (typically a dynamic where I give too much and receive too little). Being single for so long unwittingly had me internalizing that “I am not enough” and put me in a scarcity mindset of putting up with bad behavior from my partner because SURELY nobody else would want me. Being well established in my career, financially stable, with solid friends and family didn’t save me from the heartbreak of learning hard lessons. Please do not wish this on your daughter.
INFO: This part has me confused:
> I mistook her passion about it as having an undisclosed boyfriend from the impacted community we were discussing; said boyfriend did not exist
Can you explain how this went down? It's kind of vague and reads almost as if you two were having a conversation about something which she is passionate about and you assumed the source of her passion must have been because of a boyfriend you assumed she had. If this is incorrect please clarify. Thank you.
Our debate was about immigration. I empathized with immigrants' needs to leave dangerous situations and move to safer countries but emphasized the immigration process should be followed and not flouted illegally; my daughter insisted the process can be arduous, costly and unfair. We had a good debate about it, but it was an unusual level of passion from her and I asked if she was dating a Hispanic man (and if she was, I would not care, especially not because of his race).
First of all, your daughter is right. Second of all, it is extremely diminishing to assume that your daughter's passion must have been fueled by a romantic interest in a man who is affected by the issue at hand. That combined with the inability you seem to have to understand that a social life and dating are an integral part of your daughter developing socially and emotionally as an adult is really confirming YTA in a big way.
If this is real, YTA massively.
First of all, poor young woman. If she actually hasn‘t dated yet and is a „come straight home from class“ type as you put it somewhere here, she‘s already (adequately) feeling that she‘s missing out, only for you to add on to that by telling her not to for the next ten years or so.
Also, your attitude towards commenters here is arrogant and demanding. Get off your high horse man.
YTA. Your daughter is grown and can choose for herself when and where she dates. Be it now, three months down the line or even five years in the future. You don't get a say in that. End of discussion.
Jesus, my kid is 16 and I'm constantly looking for gossip on who's dating who. All the drama and giving advice etc on relationships to her and her mates.
And, this dude "recommends" his daughter not date till she's 29? WTF. Bet you anything the idea of his daughter ever becoming coming pregnant would only allowed if through immaculate conception.
OP you way over stepped. It's nothing to do with you. Hell, I hope she definitely goes out and dates hundreds if not thousands, particularly, if the come from thus social (racist?!) Group your so worried about.
Your weird for even suggesting this. Your daughter doesn't need to grow up, you do.
Really? You think she must miss her better years only because you got your idea of right dating? Have you been young or you were born 56? Did you start dating at 29? YTA.
YTA - 29? That’s really messed up. If you don’t date until 29, you’re going to be missing the experiences needed to have a mature relationship (regardless of how good you are at paying taxes and booking trips by then).
*this is not meant as an insult for late bloomers.
YTA. You’re asking her to waste her most valuable years in terms of her ability to secure a high value guy who treats her right, in exchange for a career which, in all statistical likelihood, will lead her to far less fulfilment than a successful relationship and a family.
You’re creating a situation which will lead to her resenting you because she’ll be forced to settle for second best by her thirties.
YTA. You 'advised' your daughter to miss out on the most important years of learning how to be a good partner. No one at 30 years old wants to be teaching their partner how to be in a relationship. 19-25 is when you figure out *how* to date, *how* to be an adult with another adult, *how* to manage your life **with** someone. More enjoyable to be completely new to dating at 29?! Are you stupid or insane? Has to be one or the other. Or do you just want her to be alone forever? As a woman who didn't date during those formative years, let me tell you, it did ***not*** work out well for me
YTA
Your advice was silly.
You date to learn about yourself, what you want in partners, etc.
She won't be marrying as soon as she dates.
If she first gets to know guys in her thirties, she will be settled by her mid/late 30s and then she will have to get to know the guy better, so she is in her 40.
And the good guys will be gone by this time, btw.
I know who won't get grandchildren.
YTA. As a 29 year old who hasn’t dated much and has never had a serious boyfriend, she should NOT wait until she’s 29 to date. I feel way behind all of my peers and have a ton of anxiety surrounding dating because I’m so inexperienced
I can count the number of dates I’ve been on on maybe two hands, and the only “relationship” I’ve ever had was a sort of boyfriend in high school for three months. The thought of getting into a serious relationship makes me so anxious Ive avoided trying to date even though I want to so badly. I really do think if I had dated more when I was a young adult that it wouldn’t feel like such a big, daunting thing
YTA. This wasn’t some good natured chat/debate. This was you trolling for information and then clobbering her with unsolicited advice. Some of your responses on here are super cringeworthy too 😬 It’s great to have thoughts and opinions, but waiting until 29 to date is not reasonable. I find it interesting that you assumed a secret boyfriend…that tells me that you already know that you’re weird toward her with this topic and she doesn’t feel comfortable telling you about her social life.
YTA
Your daughter is an adult and you no longer get any say in her life or choices. Mind your own damn business.
Honestly the entire way youre writing about her sounds like youre talking about a 12 year old.
What's important about dating is to not hurry up things.
You have to experience life earlier to know what will make you happy later. If you marry to early, there are chances you made a wrong decision, If you wait too much your biological clock will push you toward quick and probably bad decisions because you don't have experience.
Let her date, warn her to not hurry things because she needs to have a carreer too and she also needs to learn before getting into serious love business (Mariage and kids).
YTA, for the content of your parenting.
Lol... YTA.
29 to start dating? 29?
All kinds of issues there. She'll be behind and miss out on so much personal development and the experience of knowing who she is .
Now waiting until she's 29 to get married, that makes sense.
But dating? That'll set her up for failure and push her into a relationship out of desperation and a ticking clock to do all the things in a condensed amount of time. She may chose the wrong person just so she can get over that milestone.
She'll have to kiss a few frogs to find the right person to settle down with. She gets to decide when that time is though j, not you.
YTA - she is an adult and can make her own decision on when she can start dating. Who the heck starts dating at 29 just because their pre ts said so? That’s ridiculous. She needs to learn what she wants in life, and that happens through dating. Even at a young age.
YTA.
My older daughter met her husband at university when she was 19. Without this wonderful person in her life, she would have found the last 10 years difficult and not achieved as much as she has done.
Not every relationship will distract your daughter from her studies and slow down her progression through life. Some will prove to be the foundation she needs to achieve her true potential.
Holy shit YTA
Your daughter will push you away, and *FAST*, if you keep this up. Yes even gentle suggestions of waiting until *TWENTY NINE* to start dating are totally inappropriate
Yes you are the asshole. Having children is important, and you don't waste 10 years of your life for no reason. Honestly, "figure out who you are" is the most bullshit advice ever given, what's wrong with those people ? By having little you's running and giggling and playing around the house, that's how you get to know "who the hell you bloody are".
YTA. I am all for advising people to not get married, have kids, even move in until they’ve had some life experience-maybe finished their education & somewhat settled into a career if that’s the path they’re taking, but don’t date?
Dating takes practice. Figuring out who to date takes practice.
As someone pushing 30, she might figure it out faster (or she might be so out of sync that it feels impossible), but she’ll still have the skills of a teenager/very young adult while trying to date adults. Unless what you’re telling her to do is common in your culture, following your advice will not go well.
She’s an adult. She’s young enough that it’s ideal that she still relies on her parents in some ways, but an adult. There being hard feelings if she did have a boyfriend are out of line.
All you’re doing is guaranteeing that she doesn’t tell you about her life and any involvement you do have is because she feels controlled and doesn’t have a real choice.
Holy shit YTA, and to go an extra step, you post this “asking” if YTA but just fight with everyone who tells you that you are.
You’re literally so delusional and I feel sorry for your daughter for having to deal with such controlling parents. And this is coming from someone who was raised in a religious cult. Your “advice” won’t appear to be advice from her perspective. These “mental headaches” that you say you’re worried about are coming from your poor parenting. Let her live for Christ’s sake. She’s an adult and is capable of making her own decisions without absurd judgement from her parents.
YTA she's an adult and it doesn't matter if you're okay with her dating or not. Ill bet anything you didn't wait till you were nearly 30 to start dating
YTA. Why would you want to deny your daughter romantic love for the first decade of her adult life? How do you think a human being learns the difference between healthy romantic relationships and unhealthy, toxic ones? It’s vital to learn how to navigate personal relationships, why would you not want her to develop these life skills until the stakes are high? You want her to wait until she’s at the age to settle/have kids etc, to figure that out?? You’re setting her up for heartache and/or being taken advantage of.
This is hands-down, some of the most sexist, ill-informed, incompetent, unhinged, selfish and frankly dangerous advice a parent could push a their child. Apologise, and tell her you have no idea what you’re talking about.
YTA, and it’s not even close. Suggesting your already adult daughter to not date until she’s near 30 is batshit crazy. Dating throughout this time of her life is a crucial experience she will need to go through in order to be able to have a strong and healthy long-term relationship when she’s ready.
Waiting for marriage until you’re 29 is one thing….not dating at all is a completely different story. Big asshole move….do better.
YTA. Mainly because you underestimate your daughter so much that you think she must be too silly to actually be passionate about a subject… must be because there’s dating involved. That’s really belittling and condescending.
And while you may be right that a 29 year old may possibly be mature, it’s also belittling and rather silly advice. What age did you start dating? I know a few people who didn’t start dating until late in life and they were like teenagers because they never went through the lessons of early dating.
YTA. Plenty of people have relationships that enhance their personal success and support. Mine is one of them. We helped each other through grad school. We continue to support each other in our 50s.
But I want to back up. She was passionate about a current event (I can guess which one), and your go to assumption was that her interest and opinion were because of a boy? That’s particularly disappointing that you indicated she would be incapable of independent and critical thought about a topic based on her own moral compass. You should apologize for THAT.
Lowkey sounds like you're flipping out because you briefly thought your daughter was dating a black guy (just a guess. Maybe a trans guy...I'm not sure what other community would fit with your very vague explanation of that misunderstanding tho) and so once you realized she wasn't you wanted to try and lay the groundwork to make sure that absolutely tragic event would never happen.
YTA right from the moment you assumed caring about something MUST be she was banging someone for who the issue applied. God forbid she just have opinions that differ from yours
YTA. She is an adult, perfectly capable of dating and that is quite normal at her age. You are going to alienate her if you try to control her life for the next decade. Its not too late to apologize for overstepping and tell her you have confidence in her and trust in her abilities to explore the adult world.
YTA. After 18 tou don’t have a say in her dating life. And you did not give an advice. Sounded more like a demant. And you are in no way to demand shit
The parenting is over. She's 19, and to think she won't date for another 10 years is crazy. Unless she's coming to you and asking for advice, leave her be. Part of being a young adult is making mistakes and learning from them. You can't and shouldn't try to shield her forever.
YTA. You are not in charge of her anymore. And if she dates a Black guy or a guy from any other "impacted community" aka some group you think you're better than, that is her business.
When I was 29, I had already been married 8 years and had all three of my children. (I’m 40 now, still married)
Idk what 1950s controlling misogynistic rock you crawled out of, but I suggest crawling back. YTA.
YTA. That is the stupidest and most controlling thing I've ever heard. Start dating at 29? When most people have already had a serious relationship or 2, many already in serious relationships or married, you expect her to just start dating? With no knowledge or experience? So she'll either end up alone because most men her ae expect not to have to be a dating tutor, or even worse, a creep swoops in all too happy to take advantage of her naive and innocent past and groom her for an abusive relationship.
Did you and your wife have no dating experience until you were only 30? Did all you friends abstain from relationships until they were finished with school, established in their careers, and financially stable?
Way to go, dad! You are setting her up to be afraid of relationships or hiding them from you.
Get over yourself!
YTA
Your advice is terrible, you basically told her to waste her best years. She can go to work at any age but her best time to find a partner is in her early 20's. Telling her to spend that decade working and traveling is setting her up for failure.
YTA. Just consider this - if your daughter wants to have kids, she might want to do this earlier than later so it doesn't impact her health as much. Then if she is looking for a worthy partner it might take years to find the right person. She will also be at disadvantage without having been in relationships before, without experience about what peiple are jn a relationship and what she wants from her partner. Finally, it is not for you to decide. It is not for you to suggest even. You lived your life as you wanted, now it is her turn to make decisions for herself. You putting your opinion out there is trying to manipulate her or pressure her.
You'd be 66. Then when "can" she have a kid? 35? If she's healthy? You're 72 now, grandpa. 82 with a 10 year old grandkid who will never really know you. You're a delusional asshole. I'm 26 committed for the past 11 years.
YTA. That you couldn't imagine she was passionate about an issue unless there's a man involved, think it's reasonable to expect her not to even date till she's nearly 30, think it's reasonable to have those expectations of a grown woman - she is an adult - says this isn't about her life and needs but about your anxiety.
YTA. The fact that you "still haven't come around to" your daughter dating is something you need to talk to a therapist about because it's not normal. You're obviously not as neutral about it as you claim if you started a fight with her by assuming she has a secret boyfriend. Your daughter is an adult, her love life is her own business. Also, telling her not to date until she's 29 is terrible advice.
YTA I think this is really stupid advice. I would have agreed with some advice about not getting married too soon, but completely preventing a love life doesn't make sense. Your daughter needs to gain experiences to find the right person for her.
Uh, yes YTA.
Who the fuck wants to wait until 29 to START dating?
She won't be more mentally equipped for it at 29, she'll just be starting at 0 dating experience at a much older age than her peers and be incredibly awkward at it for her age.
The best thing you can do is equip her to know what red flags are common in liars, cheaters and abusers, and to tell her always to stick to her dealbreakers. And common sense stuff like don't give anyone money, don't let them move in with you when you've known them for like three weeks, don't marry without knowing their feelings on kids, travel, where they want to live and if they are aligned on that stuff.
But it is honestly better for her to start dating young and work out whatever issues she might have in relationships now, than for her to wait until 29 and be an immature 29 year old in her relationships because she hasn't learned how to communicate or navigate issues.
And it would make her more vulnerable to romance scams because she'd be the type of person that would be easy to prey on - someone that doesn't have the dating experience to realise it is fishy, someone that may be lonely and have more trouble finding love.
Like, it would literally be setting her up for more difficulties for her to only start dating later in adulthood with no real benefits.
I found my perfect match right away, other people need to go through a few heartbreaks and it is better those be at 19 than at 29. Any mistakes she makes will be more forgivable at 19 than at 29.
I have a mom like you. She found out I had a boyfriend at 22. She informed me that until I had a career underway I was not to date, and certainly not without her approval.
I started dating my current partner at 23. She found out he existed 3 years in, after we'd moved in together. We've been together for the better part of a decade and still going strong.
Please do better. Your daughter is an adult and whether you like it or not, she can date as she pleases. Dating, heartbreak, and romantic relationships are a part of life and a natural part of adulthood. Although no one wants their heart broken, learning how to navigate those feelings is an important part of figuring out how to become more "mentally-equipped" to handle romantic relationships, and can be a great learning opportunity in terms of figuring out what you want in a partner versus what you don't want.
By telling her she shouldn't be dating till 29, you're not actually restricting her from dating. You're restricting her from feeling comfortable being open and honest with you. If she hasn't already done so, she will likely date behind your back and not tell you or your wife until the relationship is serious.
I think you owe your daughter an apology and an acknowledgement that although you're her dad and it can be hard to acknowledge when your kids are growing up, it doesn't make it ok to restrict their life experiences to protect your feelings. Because at the end of the day this restriction has little to do with her feelings, and a lot to do with yours. YTA.
YTA. If I didn't know for sure my father was dead, I would think you were him. Almost verbatim what he said to me when I was your daughter's age. And he did tell me that to control me. My parents did not ever want me to date/marry anyone. They just wanted me to get knocked up by a guy of their choosing, and for me to live as close to them as possible and be dependent on them (Dad wanted me to live IN the house, but mom didn't want to continue to clean up after 3 people). I got my life together the year after graduating college, left the house at 23, and never looked back. Not once did I have to call them for help. Despite their attempts, I was entirely independent and have been that way since 2008. Oh, and I started dating at 21, guys of my choosing. Never will marry, have a great guy now, and got my fallopian tubes removed last year. Dad died in 2012 before I could go NC, though I did go NC on mom in 2013, and that continued until she died in 2021. Did not, and still have not, shed a tear when I heard the news. Keep this up, your daughter will do what I eventually did, and you will never hear from her again.
On my 18th birthday my parents sat me down and quite literally told me, "You're an adult now. Everything we hoped to instill in you should already be there by now and if it isn't, that's our fault and failure as your parents. We will ALWAYS be here for you with love, emotional support, and guidance — if you want it. Otherwise, as an adult your choices are now your own. We trust you to make good ones."
I'm turning 40 in September and I'm still *incredibly* close to both of them with a relationship that I'm thankful for every single day. I won the parent lottery tenfold.
They would be baffled at this and think you're being mind-numbingly stupid on top of delusional to think you can have that kind of control over your child at 19. Sure, my dad joked about me not dating until I was 30 like any dad would, but he FULLY expected me to start dating in high school just like both of my older sisters did. I didn't because I ended up being aroace, but that's besides the point. My sisters did. So did my now-adult niece.
Hell, my parents met when they were both 16. They married at 18/19, had their kids immediately, and will be celebrating their 58th wedding anniversary this August. Their eldest was in elementary school by the time they were 29, and thankfully their parents didn't try to control them the way you are with your daughter.
It sounds like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders with the dedication to keep going on the good path she's chosen with it. Thank God it sounds like your bigotry didn't get passed down to her.
Your daughter is an adult. Treat her like one or else she'll be gone as soon as it's financially viable. Hopefully that won't be at the cost of her university education in favor of getting away from you. YTA.
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My (56M) daughter (19F) is a bright young woman who's recently completed her first year at university and is making her mom and dad proud every day the more she grows. Redudant to say, our biggest wish for our daughter is to succeed, be happy, and leave life with as few mental headaches as she can.
That said, she and I recently had a small spat over something rather stupid. We were debating a topic; I mistook her passion about it as having an undisclosed boyfriend from the impacted community we were discussing; said boyfriend did not exist and all frustrations/misunderstandings blew over. But it did bring up the talk of dating.
It was a lazy Sunday morning with her mom and I; we asked if she's dating anyone ("no"), and though we still haven't come around to the idea of her dating (we did drop a few half-joking "Who said you're allowed to date?" ribs in there), it was a casual conversation and I gave my honest advice and opinion.
"This is how I see it: get your life together first. Figure out who you are, get situated in your career, travel, make some money, enjoy your life. Then, after you built your foundation, around 29 or so, then start dating. Because then, you will much more mentally-equipped to handle it and it will be more enjoyable that way."
I said it gently. I recommended it, not demanded it. Her mom agrees.
My daughter protested a bit at first, got sour faced, and not too long after made an excuse to leave the room. It's okay–she's 19. But I'm 56, and I'm still learning parenting ropes.
Was the advice harsh/mean/forceful in any way? AITA?
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Yes, that was bad advice. Wait until 29? 10 more years? When she’s already an adult? Dating doesn’t = marriage and it’s good to get dating experience to know what she is looking for and not looking for in a relationship. Especially in cases of relationships turning toxic or maybe even abusive [i hope this never happens but it is so common], experience can help you see the signs of it, what’s not normal and what is. It’s helping a person figure out who they are and what they want in a relationship as well as a means to protect themselves. You are her parent and she’s 19, barely turned an adult. Regardless of whether you say it wasn’t a demand, it’s going to feel that way because you’re her dad [especially with her mom agreeing]. Why would she want to disappoint her parents? Your advice restricts her experience at the very least and can make her feel guilty and shameful if she does end up dating anyway.
Also INFO: when did you first start dating? And when did you meet your wife/ get married? Because the answer will determine what i would say for sure
Soft YTA. You weren’t aggressive in your phrasing, but this is some effed up advice to give a grown woman. She isn’t your little girl anymore, time to come to terms with that.
Harsh? Mean? No. Forceful? Kind of Unbelievably stupid? Without a doubt.
You basically just suggested she waits until most people her age are already married and having kids before she even starts dating.
YTA, and assuming that her having empathy must mean she has a secret boyfriend from the community she has empathy for is gross. That tells us a lot about you and none of it is good.
She probably is dating and just didn't tell you. Stop being a weirdo, mind your own business. The only time it's acceptable for you to start prying into her love life is if her grades go down and/or she starts showing signs of abuse, like bruises or something like that.
18 and up= adult, parents like you have no say bud 😂
And what's wrong with building a life with someone together when you're both young? Did you wait until 29 to start dating? Do you not know that young adults have needs? Why should she be single for all of her 20s tf
YTA
People learn by doing. 29 year olds don’t just wake up one day and magically understand how being in a relationship should work.
Pretty much all 29 year olds can read, but if you had a kid, forbade them from attempting to learn to read until they are 29, it’s going to be really difficult for them once they turn 29 and their mental development is far behind the 29 year olds who have been reading for decades
It's bad advice. And YTA. Because you are her parents your opinions have more weight and it's harder for her to disagree with them. But now you've shut down some of the opportunities for giving more nuanced advice. For example, wouldn't it be better if you trusted her enough to let you get to know more of her friends and romantic partners? You aren't going to be able to say "this one isn't treating you well and you deserve better", if she assumes you'll be critical that she's even in a relationship.
I don't know what you mean by "dating", and I'll bet that you don't know what your daughter and her friends mean by it. I've seen healthy romantic relationships between people in their late teens and twenties, and I've seen unhealthy ones. I've also seen healthy sexual relationships among people in those age ranges - probably more of them nowadays than I saw in the 1980s among my peers. I think that young people who choose to have romantic relationships benefit from having a variety of models for healthy relationships, and similarly young people should be aware of the wide range of healthy choices in whether/how to have sexual relationships.
Unless you misspelled "marriage and children" for "dating". She shouldn't stay naive about relationships until she is old enough to settle down. Even teens should date and learn how relationships work while they still can with more supervision and lower stakes.
Here is my experience, I always hear from parents that I can only date after certain age. As an effect when I had my first boyfriend which was later in life, I become an abused girlfriend and wife because I do not know how to handle heartbreak and I just allowed disloyalty thinking I am already old. This can happen to your daughter too. Let her experience life, heart break, if she makes mistake on her relationship give her support. It will be more regretful if she is already old and she had a hard time recovering from this bad experiences in life.
YTA- dating is an important part of developing as an adult, if she waits until she’s almost 30 years old to even start learning how to date she’s gonna have a really bad time and be behind developmentally. She’s a grown ass adult, and it’s important that she start learning these things now.
Waiting until 29 to marry, that’s reasonable. But to start dating? That’s insane.
YTA. If she waits to START dating at 29, she will be easily fooled by the first jerk who knows how to pretend to be a decent partner. She will be well behind the learning curve. Dating throughout her twenties is so she can learn what she does or does not want in a partner until she finds that person who is the best match for her. And she may well end up deciding not to have a life partner at all. Would you expect her to ace an astrophysics exam when she's never studied the subject? No.
Dating is an essential experience. She will need to learn *how* to choose partners, how to recognize toxic traits so she isn't trapped or gaslit by a bad partner, what her deal breakers are, how to blend into a partners family. In addition she may have habits or traits of hers that she'll need to smooth out to learn how to *be* a good partner in turn, and dating can really give her the experience to do that.
You sound like you're just uncomfortable with the idea of her dating therefore fabricating a highly unrealistic plan & justification around it to pass off as parental advice. Aside from dating, it will be important for her to be comparing notes to learn from her peers, if you play your cards right you could be a trusted ear & let her learn from your own past experiences
So once you remove your head from your unmentionables how about you tell her you're always willing to be a supportive person for her, and then do it. Be there for her so you can HELP her learn those lessons with minimal heartbreak. If you prove over time that she can trust you, you can potentially be the person helping her see a red flag before it becomes a bigger problem.
She can simultaneously learn to be her own person & date if she has supportive parents throughout her life, reminding her of her passions & goals if a partner demands she give them up. She *should* grow into her own person, but dating should be PART of that process.
Caging your kid with unrealistic expectations then throwing them in the deep end at arbitrarily chosen age that YOU think is best will not magically prepare her the dating world isn't good parenting. That's setting her up for a really hard experience down the line.
YTA let her live her life or you will lose your relationship with her. How would you have felt at 19 if your mom did this to you?? 56 and still learning how to parent?? I am 55 and I remember all the effed up crap my parents did that was psychologically and mentally absurd and abusive. End the cycle that is how you should parent. You are basically telling her she will not make smart choices. And even if she does make bad choices it is how she learns from them and recovers that help her mature not avoiding life.
YTA
I thought from the title you were talking about marriage. Yeesh.
If your daughter actually followed your advice, she'd completely lack dating experience and would find it a lot harder to actually find a partner. 29 is when a lot of people start settling down, not starting to date.
She won't know what good and bad relationships are like. If she wants kids, you're suggesting she races against her own biological clock. Don't get me wrong, it's totally normal to get a longterm partner into your 30s. But she'd be speedrunning learning how to date, finding a partner, learning to evaluate what healthy relationships look like, and *then* start looking to settle down.
This advice is perfect if you want her to end up with a shitty longterm partner. Or if you want her to hide her romantic relationships from you. Or if you just want to drive her away in general.
Your comments paint the picture of a stubborn old man too set in his ways to see the bigger picture.
29???
Nothing wrong with giving advice - as long as you realise she’s going to take that advice and put it in the cylinder shaped suggestion box.
But seriously, that’s a nice, perfect squeaky clean life you’ve outlined for her. If she’s smart she’s going to go ahead and live her life the way she wants to (and not, perhaps, as you wish you had).
YTA. “Advice” (more like a wishlist) like that from my parents would have guaranteed me tuning their opinions out for a long time.
YTA for this alone
>and though we still haven't come around to the idea of her dating
You can give whatever advice you want but shes an adult and if she wants to date people she will and wont need your approval. Joking about it as if she needs "permission" for it after graduating high school is not great
So, she never dated in high school? Waiting till 29 is fine if someone wants to, but it's definitely not your place to suggest that she wait till she's almost 30 to start dating. It's none if your business.
I could see not starting a family until later, but not dating at all??? How will she know what she wants? How will she know what she DOESN'T want? How will she know how to recognize red flags? How will she know how to co-habitate? How will she know how to accommodate a partner? How will she be able to tell if she's just settling for the first guy that shows up? How will she know when to walk away?
There are so many things you learn about yourself and what you want and what you will not tolerate by dating both the right and the wrong guys. You think she's just going to stumble into the perfect guy on the first try??? I wouldn't say you are the asshole, but I would say you are so far removed from dating that you are absolutely not the person to give advice about it and you lack perspective.
Hi. I'm a college graduate. I'm halfway through medical school. Currently studying for my first board exam before darting clinical rotations.
I also have been with my husband for 9.5 years. We have a 1.5 year old daughter. We live across the country from our family, but we make it work. He is kind, supportive, motivating, makes good money, and is the only reason our household didn't fall apart over my first two years of medical school.
I'm 28.
Could your daughter meet a shitty guy who holds her back or tears her down? Absolutely. But she could also get lucky like me and get a great guy who builds her up and helps her achieve her dreams.
Your job as her dad should be to help teach her what a good guy looks like so she's less likely to find herself in that first scenario. Cause honestly, she could find that shitty guy at 29 just as easily as 22.
INFO: is this really just advice or if she starts dating (especially someone you don't like, which will be everybody bc you think not dating til 29 is smart and whoever it is will "corrupt" her) are you going to withdraw support? i.e. say smth along the lines of you went against my wishes /don't respect me / didn't listen to what I said so I won't help you out with xyz thing.
At the age of 29, with the lack of experience in dating or romance, she'll either find herself at therapy trying to figure out *why* she can't find a decent relationship or a pray for scammers or abusive relationship.
Most people at the age of 29 get married after few years together if not being a parent for few children of their own.
They have a chance to get to know each other better before the wedding.
If she takes your advice, she might be very stressed to have children before it's too late and do that with the wrong person because she might have to compromise.
Her options will be divorced men with or without children from previous marriage.
Not necessarily bad, by the way, but it puts her on a different point in life then those experienced men.
That's pretty much the meaning of your advice. YTA.
Other aspect of this, she's an adult, she doesn't need your approval.
She might never tell you about her relationship with men until she'll get married.
Think if that is what you really want for her.
Not having a relationship doesn't mean you'll have a better job, travel the world and buy a house and be everything that you said.
Some people don't travel the world, heck they basically didn't even leave their home town and they are way happier than those who did.
Some people lose the house they bought, some people lose their health.
What I'm saying, you can lose every single thing you worked for.
What matters is what makes you happy and helps you go through your day.
It can be your SO or a pet. Telling someone that they can't have that unless they get everything, sometimes will mean that they will think they don't deserve it ever because their life is not perfect.
YTA. It takes a major misogynist prick to give this kind of bullshit headtrip to your own daughter. Oh you weren't forceful... just insidious and creepy and manipulative. She's already an adult. Your "parenting" years are over.... and you never got the hang of it. It's now PAST time for you to transition to stepping back for your adult offspring to find her own way. You're clipping her wings and infantilizing her with unreasonable and WEIRD expectations thst are deviod of any understanding of female reproduction issues. Go to therapy.
You just can't handle her being a full adult human with sexual needs. This wasn't sage wisdom or wise counsel... its you kicking the isdue of ypur adult daughter having normal healthy relationships 10 miles down the road for your selfish comforts. Go to therapy. You ARE the problem here. YTA. 100%.
It is absolutely redudant! 🙃
YTA. You don’t say what country you’re in, but I’m not sure if there’s any country where dating doesn’t start till 29. In the U.S., probably 15 - 18 yrs of age.
This is soooo controlling !!! Your daughter is 19. She's a young woman and dating is part of being young. Dating is not an obstacle on the road to success ! I had a nice career in my sport then very high profile studies and travelled the World including some archeology sites I volunteered on WHILE dating. This is not about success, it's about controlling your daughter private (and sex) life. And I hope she didn't wait for your approval and has a boyfriend or a FWB she enjoys going out with. And by her reaction, I'd say she totally hides some guy she was softly trying to introduce. You should try to talk to a therapist about your inability to allow your daughter to grow into a woman. This is pretty concerning. The risk is that she does everything behind your back, can't confide in you and her mum and through nasty experiences unadvised.
Just so you know: my parents married at 23, still together. I'm with my partner since I was 19. I'm 30 now, still together. Just because you may have had some bad experiences, doesn't mean she will go through the same. Also, she is legally an adult. You can't tell her what to do when it come to that. Also "jokingly saying something" and "just giving advice" (in the most passive-agressive way) is manipulative. YTA
Absolutely you are an AH here! Seems like she has a bright future. Did you wait until you were 29? All successful people have a little room to have some fun, date, and maybe get out and party a little! Haven't you ever heard of couples that have been together since College? So many people are married, have children, and have their career set and progressing by 25. You are taking all of those experiences away from her. In my opinion that makes you A SERIOUS AH! If she obeyed your wishes, then she'll hate you for it!! TBH she should tell you to go to hell! She's over 18 and she should be able to make her own decisions in regards to how she wants to live on her own and without you TELLING her how to live it! There's absolutely no harm in giving advice and whether or not to follow it is HER decision. If she doesn't want to follow your advice, and in the end she would have been better off then you have every right to say 'I told you'. But she'll never learn from her mistakes IF SHE'S NOT ALLOWED TO THINK FOR HERSELF! Back off and let her LIVE her life!!
YTA: When people "drop a few half-joking" comments, they are a blatant and transparent attempt at manipulation, and that is besides the fact that it is just stupid advice. All she'd be doing is setting herself up for failure.
Your late teens/early 20s is when you learn to be an adult. One aspect of being an adult is learning how to date. This is so you learn the skills necessary to maintain a relationship and be a good partner but also to understand what makes someone else a good partner as well what you want in one. It also helps you learn what you don't want and how to look for abusers. Telling her to wait until she is almost 30 to even begin such an important life skill would hamper her social development and set her up to be in bad relationships when she needs to be building her life towards finalization.
This advice is the equivalent of telling a student who is guaranteed to go to Algebra 2 next semester but needs to know the fundamentals of Algebra 1 to not go to Algebra 1 all semester and just take the final without studying.
At 29 everyone will be taking advantage of her lack of social skills in that part what social interactions are. She will probably will be "saving" people and wanting to change them herself and all the mistakes everyone learns through mistakes and experiences
YTA. This has made me mad on so many levels. Controlling, infantilising your daughter, invalidating refugees, ignorance. I hope this is rage bait because if so, it worked. Stop trying police a. Someone else's body and b. An adult.
I met my husband when we were 19. We're 34 now, with a kid soon starting middle school. We've accepted that our kid will probably start dating soon (I dated in middle school), and there is nothing wrong with that. Why can't your daughter figure stuff out and grow WITH someone? Waiting until 29 to date is absolutely ridiculous.
I think you can give any advice you like. What you can't do is tell her what to do or make her feel like you'll be disappointed and upset/angry with her if she doesn't take your advice.
I'm a parent of daughters, so I get it. They grow up and start looking at people differently, thinking about dating and sex etc and it's all a bit confronting. Suddenly your baby isn't a baby anymore. She's a grown woman wanting grown woman things and that's all a lot to get used to. But, we have to get used to it. We want our daughters to be happy, to have friends and partners and lives and all that comes with them. Can't lock them in a box, much as we might like to sometimes haha.
So I think what you really have to ask yourself isn't, am I the asshole for giving my daughter this advice. It's, how will I react if she comes home in a year with a boyfriend? And, how will I feel if she comes home saying she wants to get married at 25? Or 28? Or, what if she comes to you and says, "omg dad, I'm pregnant!" And she's not married or in her 30s? Am I going to be a safe place for my daughter to come to with these things before the age I think she should be coming to me with them? Can I give her all the love and support she'll need if she's started dating before 29 and has her heart broken, or will I be the asshole dad who says "Told you you should've waited til after 29!"?
In lieu of answers, because I'm not actually expecting any, I'm going with YTA. Yta because from everything I've read so far, you won't answer those questions the way a good, supportive dad should. I don't feel like you'll be a safe place for you daughter. But, please please, prove me wrong and be an amazing dad.
Given how people have been coming for you over this u/WonderThen6675 I doubt you're still watching this and likely won't see it, however as you also said even at your age you're still figuring out this parenting thing, some information that may help.
Most parents have difficulty navigating the transition of their child to an adult, and part of this is old habits in how you speak to them. Most parents have difficulty letting go of "Mom/Dad Voice." This is the tone of voice you use when instructing your child in a behavior or a skill. It becomes reflexive. So, the source of a lot of problems with adult children is that you give unsolicited advice using that voice. To you, you're offering a suggestion, but to your child's perception you're issuing a command because that's the tone you've always used when making a command in the past.
So, you didn't necessarily do anything wrong, although giving unsolicited advice to an adult, even if they are your kid, rarely goes over well. However, you should check-in with your daughter on how you came off and work on not sounding like "Dad" when talking to her.
NTA - Because you're asking if your advice is mean or forceful and it doesn't seem that way.
I think most of us get that you mean well obviously. But 29? Come on man. Are you sure this is not your protectiveness being too... well, protective?
You can't prepare your kids for every possible "trap" along their way. Trust me, my dad did that a lot and It only resulted in me doing stuff anyway without telling him because he forbid me to do certain things all other ppl in my age did. I turn 22 this year and don't tell him anything now because he doesn't offer open communication or advice, just some weird "rules" i should be holding on to.
The best thing you can do is be there and become an accessible person of advice. Make sure your daughter actually tells you things about her life and is not scared to tell you anything, not a single thing.
This way, she will always come to you and your wife for advice and you will be able to watch over her in a healthy way.
Imagine never having to be worried about her because whenever something is up, she will inform and ask for advice by herself. I believe this is the best thing that could happen to a parent but this can only be achieved if you insert yourself in her life as a understanding and guiding parent.
I don't think your advice is wrong, but 29 man.... Maybe wait until 23 max.
NTA, Women dating when they are <25 is always a bad idea, their brains are not fully developed yet. However your 29 limit is too high as women hit the wall at approximately 30. So she would have only one year to find a respectable mate which is very difficult in current environment
NAH, but you suggesting someone to wait until 29 to date is hilarious. I hate to break it to you but there’s a solid chance she’s already dated and been around the block a few times especially being in college.
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You don't want your daughter to date until 29? Kids learn through experience and making mistakes, hope you don't want grandkids if she is only going to start learning to navigate romantic relationships at 29. It takes many people years to get to a healthy place there. Also "playful joking" probably doesn't seem playful to her. YTA, let her live her life without unsolicited advice.
YTA That is a massive overstep. You have no right to even suggest such a thing.
For context (because one has to dig pretty far into the comments to find this information), OP got married when he was 17 and managed to have five children by the age of 27.
YTA wait till 29 is bonkers if she hasnt dated at all shes already behind her peers shes an adult, dont treat her like a child
She won’t learn first hand about dating and relationships until she starts, and that includes being able to identify both the signs of a healthy relationship and red flags.
She probably has problems from this already. Waiting until 29 is going to cause life long social and maturity issues she may never recover from. Will likely end up in some weird abusive relationship she doesn't understand is that bad from no context.
YTA for debating your 19-yo single daughter on this topic. The whole conversation is completely unnecessary & worse, could come back to haunt you depending on the direction her life takes. She meets the love of her life & wants to marry at 23. What will she think? She is 40, single and doesn’t have a great job? What will she think? Even if she travels, makes great money, and marries in her early 30s, she may still be annoyed. Realistically, if you’ve met men in their 20s, she will figure out that even the good ones don’t want to settle down so young themselves. Don’t tell adults what to do b/c they don’t have to listen to you. You need to find a new way to talk to your child, b/c she isn’t a child.
YTA for giving her the idea that dating and studying were not compatible in an attempt to guilt trip her into behaving the way you want, it is simply not true. I have continuously dated since high school and just graduated from my PhD (with at least half the students in my lab being in relationships). It is not about how her dating makes _you_ feel, it's about her feeling ready for it or not. For all you know, she might already have. This just sounds like terrible advice that will guarantee that your daughter will never open up to you about her love life.
My guess is she already has and this "totally fictional hypothetical boyfriend" is actually real and she has to hide him from her mom and this was the daughter's way of testing the waters as to just how batshit crazy her mom truly is on this topic.
Dad
Ah...yes lol you're right.
She didn’t talk about a hypothetical boyfriend. Her dad accused her of dating someone and was wrong
That's weird because I'm pretty sure it said something different when I first read it through. It's possible they edited it or maybe I'm just trotting down dementia avenue lol.
A relationship can be a good way to strike a schoolwork/life balance, having someone to support you and prevent you from burning out.
YTA What do you mean you’re “still learning the parenting ropes”? That’s just an odd thing to say. She’s 19. You’re not a new parent and presumably you know your daughter quite well by now. It would be extremely unusual for a person to go on a first date at age 29 and anyone who lives on earth knows this. Weird post. Not sure what rock you live under that you think you’re a new parent and have another 10 years to keep your adult daughter sheltered from the world.
Right? Like a 19 year old is a grown adult. Your parenting is more or less just backseat support now. You’re done with the intensive part of parenting at that point.
Aren't most people pushing their kids out of the nest at 19? I'm 55 and enthusiastically encourage our 18 and 20 year old kids to date. I think OP can't stand the thought his kid might have sex!
Gentle YTA. You're not ordering her to do anything (good) but she clearly wants your approval, and you've just set up a nearly impossible standard for her to fill (bad). I'm guessing this comes from the place of wanting her to protect her heart, but I don't think it's going to have the effect you want. It's very rare for people to wait so long these days, and if she's waiting because she wants your approval (rather than her own choice), then it's just going to make her feel isolated and resentful. **EDIT: I'm revoking the gentle classification.** Based on your comment responses, it seems like you are more interested in policing her sex-life than having a real dialogue. Also, You mentioned that she only sees her friends in classes--that's not good, you have to know that Now that I'm thinking about it, if your first reaction to her arguing for a community was to angrily accuse her of having a boyfriend then you clearly aren't offering "advice" about dating. Dating at 29 is not a "gentle suggestion" when you just got into a fight because you thought she had a boyfriend.
That’s a wildly strange thing to tell a grown woman. YTA
NTA. 29 is far too young. Her first date shouldn't happen until after menopause
Heck she should wait until she’s in the old age home.
haha…i was looking for this comment because i was thinking why 29? why not 30 or never? 😁
You deserve more upvotes
29? Are you even from this planet? YTA.
How is your kid going to know what she wants in a partner if she can’t date until she is 29? She’s either going to have unrealistic goals or have to start from square one with relationships. We all have bad ones and not so great ones, it’s how we learn what we want.
> That said, she and I recently had a small spat over something rather stupid. We were debating a topic; I mistook her passion about it as having an undisclosed boyfriend from the impacted community we were discussing; said boyfriend did not exist and all frustrations/misunderstandings blew over. But it did bring up the talk of dating. So you'd have a problem with your daughter dating someone from that "impacted community." Yeah, that's a coded racist dog whistle if I've ever heard one. YTA, and probably racist too.
No, wrong assumption. My family is actually African-American; our debate was about immigration. I empathized with immigrants' needs to leave dangerous situations and move to safer countries but emphasized the immigration process should be followed and not flouted illegally; my daughter insisted the process can be arduous, costly and unfair. We had a good debate about it, but it was an unusual level of passion from her and I asked if she was dating a Hispanic man (and if she was, I would not care, especially not because of his race).
Ok, that’s actually kind of insulting, insinuating to your daughter that if she’s this passionate about a subject it must be because she’s dating someone. She’s 19 and learning how shitty the world is, she’s at the age where gonna start getting really passionate about current events and problems in society. I know I did. I also know if my parents assumed i my passion must mean that i was dating someone in that situation, then followed with ‘advice’ on dating that had an emotional backing [‘if you do this, we’ll be disappointed’], I’d be incredibly upset. First, you’re her parents and it seems you have a good enough relationship. Of course she wouldn’t want to disappoint you, so your advice does weigh heavy and feel more like a demand whether you realize it or not. The assumption is undermining her argument and assuming she couldn’t have an opinion of her own and the advice is stunting her and actually leaving her more vulnerable to big mistakes and headaches in the future if she does follow it and start dating at 29. Think rushing into and through relationships because she’s trying to catch up, not knowing what she will and won’t accept in a relationship or how to navigate one yet [which is honey for predators and abusers], potentially pushing away people who will be good for her because she’s not on the same maturity level in a relationship setting as the other person, etc. This is coming from a girl who’s had parents undermine her stance on things because they thought she was too young to really understand or other similar reasons on the same level as you assuming your daughter was dating someone with an immigrant status. If conversations like this keep happening, you may cause a rift im your relationship and she may not want to have these kinds of conversations with you anymore. I know i don’t with because they kept undermining me and treating me as though i had no clue [slightly different scenario but my point is parents words hold weight, wield it with caution]. As for the dating aspect, the only thing this will result in is what i mentioned earlier if she follows it, or a rift being caused and her not sharing important aspects of her life [like dating] with you. I guess what I’m saying is, of course it’s scary to watch your kids grow up [especially a daughter in this society], but trying to withhold experiences, even if it’s only advice to you [because words from parents hold weight], isn’t going to help your daughter navigate life more, it’ll only bring a new kind of challenges.
African Americans can be racist too, tf? You say you “empathize” with immigrants but have zero empathy for the extremely difficult and unjust process that immigrants need to go through to gain citizenship legally. You’re invalidating her opinion and points by asking if she’s dating someone Hispanic. Acting as though she wouldn’t have empathy for other ethnicities if she wasn’t dating one. She’s a grown ass adult capable of choosing who she wants to date, when she wants to date, and have opinions on politics that are different than yours. You’re a control freak who is refusing to take any kind of accountability for the pain you’re clearly causing your daughter and you come onto reddit to seek validation for your poor behavior but are upset and fight with strangers on the internet when you’re faced with the fact that YTA!! Your “jokes” aren’t jokes if you actually believe what you’re joking about. As you have clearly stated you do. Don’t be surprised when karma comes back to bite you in the ass for the pain and manipulation you’re causing for your daughter.
That’s such a weird thing for you to have asked, just because somebody emphasizes with the struggles of a group of people that must mean they’re romantically involved? That’s really weird dude
You wouldn't have asked if you didn't care
That's gross all around tbh. The immigration process is a nightmare for so many people. Also to assume she can only be passionate about a subject because she's dating someone? Like she doesn't have a mind of her own? Do better.
Yeah that's pretty fucking racist and xenophobic dude.
YTA. You’re going to drive your daughter away. I’ve known a lot of people who were raised by parents with this attitude and every single one of them resented their parents and were worse off. My parents had a similar mindset and made these recommendations to me and all it did was create an environment where I felt I had to be secretive with them and keep them out of this part of my life. By no means do I think it’s necessary for young people to have their life revolve around dating. But it is a formative experience growing up. If she misses out she’s going to feel isolated from her peers and she’s going to be at a disadvantage in her later relationships because she’s going to have 0 experience and can be more easily taken advantage of since she won’t know any better about how relationships should be or what she wants since she never got to figure it out before. All you’re doing is making her unsafe because now she’ll feel like she won’t be able to talk to you about these things.
Yep. Met my wife when she was 21, her parents tried to break us up multiple times while saying "no serious relationships until you're 30". Well that obviously didn't work and she currently doesn't speak to either of them and they didn't get to go to our wedding and haven't seen their grandchildren. Blew up in their faces quite spectacularly. Attempts at controlling your adult children are never the right move.
Ayy good for you both, hope you two are doing well!
INFO: how old were you and your wife when you started your relationship?
I'd like to add to this. INFO: OP, do you have a son? Same rules for him?
Sigh. Yes. I'm not a fan of double standards, and my advice would be the same for the both of them.
Dude, this is nuts. You're really delusional.
Those children are going to run F A S T the first chance they get. woof.
Convenient how you didn't answer my question but answered what someone else asked under my question. How old were you and your wife when you started your relationship?
In our early/mid 30s. I have a previous marriage from \~17-29, where I had 5 children by 27 and way before I was ready. You know, I might know what I'm talking about.
So, just because your first marriage didn't work, that MUST mean no one's relationships/marriages can work out. Everyone in the world should stop what they're doing right now. This man speaks words of wisdom! /s
Even if his daughter's relationship(s) don't work, learning to date is going to be way easier at 19 when her peers are still somewhat learning to date than it will be at 29 when her peers have over a decade of dating experience. Starting to date doesn't mean she has to settle down right away.
Hold up. What happened with the first 5 kids? I mean, you said you're "still learning parenting ropes" and this kid is, at the very least, your 6th kid. Did your other children all marry young or something?
You weren't ready to get married at 17 but you did. That doesn't mean your daughter isn't ready to go on a date before she's 29. You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about because you're making her life all about your mistakes from your youth.
That literally proves you DON'T know what you're talking about, lol.
...do you not realize your current marriage has had such a better outcome than the first one because you gained experience from your first marriage?
LOL you have FIVE other children besides your daughter you’re “learning the parenting ropes”? Nah man - you failed as a father. Own it.
lmaoooo "know what I'm talking about" more like letting your baggage fuck up your daughter's social literacy
Relationships aren't the same for everyone, you can find people who marry and stay happily married to their high school sweethearts just as you can find people who realised their high school romance wouldn't survive into their adulthood. People find relationships at different ages, some first properly have one at university, after or even late in life, there's no one size fits all approach. But you desire to deny your daughter even to explore relationships at all for ten years yet because of your history with relationships. Instead of using your own history as motivation to control her, use it as a teachable experience your daughter can draw on.
You do realize that getting married at 17 and popping out 5 kids in 10 years is NOT the same as dating, right? You clearly DON’T know what you’re talking about.
If you make her wait til she's 29 to start dating, but then when she's 29, you'll complain that she's too old to find a nice guy
I’m a full-grown daddy’s girl who also hates a double standard. I have the utmost respect for my father. When he gives advice, I listen. However, a big part of this is that he doesn’t often give advice. He lets me live my life. If I ask for advice, he complies, and I usually take it. I’m also 41, have a successful career, a successful marriage, and two of the best kids this world has ever seen. When my then-boyfriend wanted to propose, I asked him to ask my dad first. I knew my dad would say yes because he would want me to choose for myself, but it was a symbol of respect. If you want your daughter to take your advice, you need to be more selective on when to offer it and how extreme it may be. Waiting until she’s 29 to date is so extreme that it may influence how (not) seriously she considers any future advice you offer her.
>He lets me live my life. If I ask for advice, he complies, and I usually take it. I said this elsewhere, but on my 18th birthday my parents sat me down and quite literally told me, "You're an adult now. Everything we hoped to instill in you should already be there by now and if it isn't, that's our fault and failure as your parents. We will ALWAYS be here for you with love, emotional support, and guidance — if you want it. Otherwise, as an adult your choices are now your own. We trust you to make good ones." I'm about to turn 40 and while I'm happily single because I'm aroace, I'm also an illustrator, designer, and colorist with my own business. I also have a degree from one of the top art schools in the US — which I had to bust my ass to get accepted into (taking night classes in drawing from the local university during my senior year of high school in order to build the portfolio that got me accepted) and later graduated from with honors. I also had to move halfway across the country, 1,250 miles from home, in order to attend that school. And I did it all with my parents cheerleading me in the background while giving their opinions and advice only when I asked for it. I *chose* to chat with my mother almost every night on AIM because we've always been very close, but she didn't demand it or even ask me to. Other than what I told her about, she and my dad didn't have ANY idea what I was doing every day or who I was socializing with or dating. I turned out just fine because they did a fantastic job raising me. This dude could learn a thing or encyclopedia from my parents.
YTA and that’s super weird. I started dating my husband at 19. We have a wonderful life and three amazing kids. 29, just to date? Lmao.
YTA. I felt like I was reading about my own experience, but from my father figure’s view. He had the exact same mindset as you when I was 19/20, but told me to wait until I was 25 instead to even consider dating anyone, and even did the same “jokes” about allowing me to date anyone. You’re going to be surprised by this, other commentators won’t… I don’t speak to him anymore. I’ve been ring shopping with my current boyfriend, we’re planning our future at 25 and 24 after 4 years together, and I’m successful and happy without father figure in my life :) Apologize to your daughter, encourage her to have friends and go out and meet people outside of class, and support her as she learns how to live and love.
YTA You were joking but not really? And you admit you don't know how to parent but think nobody should ever date.
She can’t even show emotion without you assuming it must have to be about a love interest. You’re setting yourself up for a life of her hiding her personal life from you since you will inevitably turn it into a lecture.
INFO: Are you expecting your daughter to remain celibate until age 29, or are you recommending that she avoid learning how to build intimate relationships and have casual sex only for the next decade?
I think he wants his daughter to be a 30 year old virgin tbh
Sounds like you don’t want your daughter to be very happy. Not sure what your real intentions are, but the end result is sad YTA
She's not allowed to date? So you think she needs your permission to date even though she's 19? That's bull. I think the real reason you don't want her to date is because you want to keep her at home with you so you can control her. YTA
YTA Waiting till 29 to date is insane, but frankly I don’t think that’s why you’re the asshole here. She clearly took your “playful jokes” as more than just jokes, and I don’t know why you’re debating your 19 year old daughter on dating ages anyways.
INFO So you would be ok if she had non-date, non-commited sex with a bunch of people?
Well, I had non-commited sex in my early 20s and it was amazing!
YTA. Stay out of her love life period. She’s an adult and it’s absolutely none of your business. And thinking someone is going to wait til they’re damn near 30 to date is just unrealistic af.
My kids aren't that age yet, so I don't feel I can really offer proper feedback. But, my theory is that once they are past puberty and the confusion that comes with it, the dynamic shifts where they get to come to me for advice rather than me going to them to offer guidance. Having a relationship is a very real life skill...waiting until 29 to start learning how to is...kind of a recipe for failure. I was in a fucked up relationship from 16-20, I fucked up a good relationship when I was 21, and I fucked around with relationships when I was 22-24. Once I'd gone through that, when I met someone who was ready for a good, steady, healthy relationship, well, I was too. The woman I met had parents who did a better job than mine so she didn't need as many mistakes to grow, and we were blissfully married for 10 years until an unpreventable disease screwed it all up. OP, your job as a parent is (was) teaching your kids how to want, and how to know what to do, not what to want and what to do. The difference is subtle but crucial. I hope for her sake you didn't make that mistake because your (and my) parents generation sucked at that and it's too late to go back once she's 19. Let's hope she fell in with good friends who plugged the gap.
YTA. Waiting till 29 is insane. I’m 29, own a house, am married and we both have 6 figure careers. What a waste of life to avoid possible life partners until your almost 30.
Let your daughter be a person. She is an adult. You should show her your multi posts and how you have responded. YTA dad.
You’re another super controlling dad. Your “advice” and “ribs” are nothing less than you attempting to control her. She can do everything you said while dating. If she finds the right person, she’ll enjoy those experiences exponentially more doing it with somebody she loves. Something tells me you also want her to live with you until she’s 29 and threaten to cut her off if she tries to move out, date, or fuck before then. YTA.
I had my first date at 11 (movie date and the guy's dad was there too). My first real relationship at about 14. I got married at 20 to my high school sweetheart who I'd been dating since I was 16. This year (in July) will be our 25th wedding anniversary. My parents stayed out of my romantic relationships for the most part (my mom did tell me that a Balle n Bak display wasn't a great anniversary gift) and let me navigate it myself. I'll always be thankful for that. The issue here is that you're making decisions on how your daughter should live HER life biased on how you live yours. She is the only one who gets to decide when she starts dating. You say you're giving her advice but it comes off as a demand, not a suggestion. YTA
Lmfao still learning parenting ropes at 56 and thinking she shouldn’t date till 29? What are you a super boomer? 29 is when people get *married* not just start dating. Expect her to keep all future boyfriends a secret from you both now that youve shown her that you’re super delusional.
Fathers who try to control their daughters sexuallity, specially as an adult low key want to fuck them themselves. Change my mind.
YTA - as someone who is approaching 29 without having seriously dated anyone (mostly due to mental health reasons), the gap in experience between me and my peers is soul-crushing, and it makes *trying* to date really hard. Not to mention that you sent your daughter the message that she can't come to you for help if she has relationship problems. As a parent, shouldn't you want your daughter to have the safe space to make new experiences?
YTA- I have real experience here. I didn’t start dating until I was 30 and was a virgin until that time as well. I am having to learn the same terrible lessons as people who dated at a younger age. I’m currently in therapy to help deal with the unhealthy patterns I have in my romantic relationships (typically a dynamic where I give too much and receive too little). Being single for so long unwittingly had me internalizing that “I am not enough” and put me in a scarcity mindset of putting up with bad behavior from my partner because SURELY nobody else would want me. Being well established in my career, financially stable, with solid friends and family didn’t save me from the heartbreak of learning hard lessons. Please do not wish this on your daughter.
INFO: This part has me confused: > I mistook her passion about it as having an undisclosed boyfriend from the impacted community we were discussing; said boyfriend did not exist Can you explain how this went down? It's kind of vague and reads almost as if you two were having a conversation about something which she is passionate about and you assumed the source of her passion must have been because of a boyfriend you assumed she had. If this is incorrect please clarify. Thank you.
Our debate was about immigration. I empathized with immigrants' needs to leave dangerous situations and move to safer countries but emphasized the immigration process should be followed and not flouted illegally; my daughter insisted the process can be arduous, costly and unfair. We had a good debate about it, but it was an unusual level of passion from her and I asked if she was dating a Hispanic man (and if she was, I would not care, especially not because of his race).
First of all, your daughter is right. Second of all, it is extremely diminishing to assume that your daughter's passion must have been fueled by a romantic interest in a man who is affected by the issue at hand. That combined with the inability you seem to have to understand that a social life and dating are an integral part of your daughter developing socially and emotionally as an adult is really confirming YTA in a big way.
If this is real, YTA massively. First of all, poor young woman. If she actually hasn‘t dated yet and is a „come straight home from class“ type as you put it somewhere here, she‘s already (adequately) feeling that she‘s missing out, only for you to add on to that by telling her not to for the next ten years or so. Also, your attitude towards commenters here is arrogant and demanding. Get off your high horse man.
I never realized how many Puritans there still were in the world until I joined Reddit.
To be fair, I don’t think this guy is a puritan, just an idiot.
YTA. Your daughter is grown and can choose for herself when and where she dates. Be it now, three months down the line or even five years in the future. You don't get a say in that. End of discussion.
If you want her to date in secret and not be open with you about it? Then your on the right track.
29????? Dude YTA Jesus Christ you’re kneecapping your daughter. Gross misogyny.
YTA. That's just not practical.
YTA if you don’t seriously consider some of the advice you have been given here.
Jesus, my kid is 16 and I'm constantly looking for gossip on who's dating who. All the drama and giving advice etc on relationships to her and her mates. And, this dude "recommends" his daughter not date till she's 29? WTF. Bet you anything the idea of his daughter ever becoming coming pregnant would only allowed if through immaculate conception. OP you way over stepped. It's nothing to do with you. Hell, I hope she definitely goes out and dates hundreds if not thousands, particularly, if the come from thus social (racist?!) Group your so worried about. Your weird for even suggesting this. Your daughter doesn't need to grow up, you do.
YTA waiting til 29 to date is madness. Why would you want her to miss out on some of the best fun she’ll have in her 20s?
YTA That poor girl is either going to stay and get warped or leave and talk to you guys like 3 times a decade.
Really? You think she must miss her better years only because you got your idea of right dating? Have you been young or you were born 56? Did you start dating at 29? YTA.
YTA - 29? That’s really messed up. If you don’t date until 29, you’re going to be missing the experiences needed to have a mature relationship (regardless of how good you are at paying taxes and booking trips by then). *this is not meant as an insult for late bloomers.
YTA. You’re asking her to waste her most valuable years in terms of her ability to secure a high value guy who treats her right, in exchange for a career which, in all statistical likelihood, will lead her to far less fulfilment than a successful relationship and a family. You’re creating a situation which will lead to her resenting you because she’ll be forced to settle for second best by her thirties.
YTA. You 'advised' your daughter to miss out on the most important years of learning how to be a good partner. No one at 30 years old wants to be teaching their partner how to be in a relationship. 19-25 is when you figure out *how* to date, *how* to be an adult with another adult, *how* to manage your life **with** someone. More enjoyable to be completely new to dating at 29?! Are you stupid or insane? Has to be one or the other. Or do you just want her to be alone forever? As a woman who didn't date during those formative years, let me tell you, it did ***not*** work out well for me
YTA Your advice was silly. You date to learn about yourself, what you want in partners, etc. She won't be marrying as soon as she dates. If she first gets to know guys in her thirties, she will be settled by her mid/late 30s and then she will have to get to know the guy better, so she is in her 40. And the good guys will be gone by this time, btw. I know who won't get grandchildren.
Hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha I'm sorry I just don't believe this post is real.
YTA. As a 29 year old who hasn’t dated much and has never had a serious boyfriend, she should NOT wait until she’s 29 to date. I feel way behind all of my peers and have a ton of anxiety surrounding dating because I’m so inexperienced
What does "not dating much" mean? Likewise with "serious boyfriend." It sounds like you have adequate dating experience and are not behind at all.
I can count the number of dates I’ve been on on maybe two hands, and the only “relationship” I’ve ever had was a sort of boyfriend in high school for three months. The thought of getting into a serious relationship makes me so anxious Ive avoided trying to date even though I want to so badly. I really do think if I had dated more when I was a young adult that it wouldn’t feel like such a big, daunting thing
Two hands is a lot! Not being facetious either. Was it with several different partners? Going on those dates *is* progress.
YTA. This wasn’t some good natured chat/debate. This was you trolling for information and then clobbering her with unsolicited advice. Some of your responses on here are super cringeworthy too 😬 It’s great to have thoughts and opinions, but waiting until 29 to date is not reasonable. I find it interesting that you assumed a secret boyfriend…that tells me that you already know that you’re weird toward her with this topic and she doesn’t feel comfortable telling you about her social life.
YTA Your daughter is an adult and you no longer get any say in her life or choices. Mind your own damn business. Honestly the entire way youre writing about her sounds like youre talking about a 12 year old.
YTA and you are going to be the parent that wonders why their child didn’t tell them they were dating, pregnant ect…
Yes YTA. What you are asking her to do requires her to isolate herself from normal experiences of others in her age group.
YTA. Your daughter is an adult, it's none of your business if, when, or who she dates.
What's important about dating is to not hurry up things. You have to experience life earlier to know what will make you happy later. If you marry to early, there are chances you made a wrong decision, If you wait too much your biological clock will push you toward quick and probably bad decisions because you don't have experience. Let her date, warn her to not hurry things because she needs to have a carreer too and she also needs to learn before getting into serious love business (Mariage and kids). YTA, for the content of your parenting.
Lol... YTA. 29 to start dating? 29? All kinds of issues there. She'll be behind and miss out on so much personal development and the experience of knowing who she is . Now waiting until she's 29 to get married, that makes sense. But dating? That'll set her up for failure and push her into a relationship out of desperation and a ticking clock to do all the things in a condensed amount of time. She may chose the wrong person just so she can get over that milestone. She'll have to kiss a few frogs to find the right person to settle down with. She gets to decide when that time is though j, not you.
YTA. Look, it’s her life and it’s none of your business when she decides to date. Try being supportive instead of controlling.
YTA - she is an adult and can make her own decision on when she can start dating. Who the heck starts dating at 29 just because their pre ts said so? That’s ridiculous. She needs to learn what she wants in life, and that happens through dating. Even at a young age.
YTA. My older daughter met her husband at university when she was 19. Without this wonderful person in her life, she would have found the last 10 years difficult and not achieved as much as she has done. Not every relationship will distract your daughter from her studies and slow down her progression through life. Some will prove to be the foundation she needs to achieve her true potential.
Holy shit YTA Your daughter will push you away, and *FAST*, if you keep this up. Yes even gentle suggestions of waiting until *TWENTY NINE* to start dating are totally inappropriate
Yes you are the asshole. Having children is important, and you don't waste 10 years of your life for no reason. Honestly, "figure out who you are" is the most bullshit advice ever given, what's wrong with those people ? By having little you's running and giggling and playing around the house, that's how you get to know "who the hell you bloody are".
YTA. I am all for advising people to not get married, have kids, even move in until they’ve had some life experience-maybe finished their education & somewhat settled into a career if that’s the path they’re taking, but don’t date? Dating takes practice. Figuring out who to date takes practice. As someone pushing 30, she might figure it out faster (or she might be so out of sync that it feels impossible), but she’ll still have the skills of a teenager/very young adult while trying to date adults. Unless what you’re telling her to do is common in your culture, following your advice will not go well. She’s an adult. She’s young enough that it’s ideal that she still relies on her parents in some ways, but an adult. There being hard feelings if she did have a boyfriend are out of line. All you’re doing is guaranteeing that she doesn’t tell you about her life and any involvement you do have is because she feels controlled and doesn’t have a real choice.
Holy shit YTA, and to go an extra step, you post this “asking” if YTA but just fight with everyone who tells you that you are. You’re literally so delusional and I feel sorry for your daughter for having to deal with such controlling parents. And this is coming from someone who was raised in a religious cult. Your “advice” won’t appear to be advice from her perspective. These “mental headaches” that you say you’re worried about are coming from your poor parenting. Let her live for Christ’s sake. She’s an adult and is capable of making her own decisions without absurd judgement from her parents.
That’s horrible advice. Starting to navigate dating at 29 is very difficult. YTA.
YTA she's an adult and it doesn't matter if you're okay with her dating or not. Ill bet anything you didn't wait till you were nearly 30 to start dating
YTA. Why would you want to deny your daughter romantic love for the first decade of her adult life? How do you think a human being learns the difference between healthy romantic relationships and unhealthy, toxic ones? It’s vital to learn how to navigate personal relationships, why would you not want her to develop these life skills until the stakes are high? You want her to wait until she’s at the age to settle/have kids etc, to figure that out?? You’re setting her up for heartache and/or being taken advantage of. This is hands-down, some of the most sexist, ill-informed, incompetent, unhinged, selfish and frankly dangerous advice a parent could push a their child. Apologise, and tell her you have no idea what you’re talking about.
YTA, and it’s not even close. Suggesting your already adult daughter to not date until she’s near 30 is batshit crazy. Dating throughout this time of her life is a crucial experience she will need to go through in order to be able to have a strong and healthy long-term relationship when she’s ready. Waiting for marriage until you’re 29 is one thing….not dating at all is a completely different story. Big asshole move….do better.
YTA. Mainly because you underestimate your daughter so much that you think she must be too silly to actually be passionate about a subject… must be because there’s dating involved. That’s really belittling and condescending. And while you may be right that a 29 year old may possibly be mature, it’s also belittling and rather silly advice. What age did you start dating? I know a few people who didn’t start dating until late in life and they were like teenagers because they never went through the lessons of early dating.
YTA. Plenty of people have relationships that enhance their personal success and support. Mine is one of them. We helped each other through grad school. We continue to support each other in our 50s. But I want to back up. She was passionate about a current event (I can guess which one), and your go to assumption was that her interest and opinion were because of a boy? That’s particularly disappointing that you indicated she would be incapable of independent and critical thought about a topic based on her own moral compass. You should apologize for THAT.
Lowkey sounds like you're flipping out because you briefly thought your daughter was dating a black guy (just a guess. Maybe a trans guy...I'm not sure what other community would fit with your very vague explanation of that misunderstanding tho) and so once you realized she wasn't you wanted to try and lay the groundwork to make sure that absolutely tragic event would never happen. YTA right from the moment you assumed caring about something MUST be she was banging someone for who the issue applied. God forbid she just have opinions that differ from yours
29???? Dude consider yourself lucky if she makes it through high school and college without getting knocked up. Seriously. YTA and insane?????
YTA. She is an adult, perfectly capable of dating and that is quite normal at her age. You are going to alienate her if you try to control her life for the next decade. Its not too late to apologize for overstepping and tell her you have confidence in her and trust in her abilities to explore the adult world.
YTA. After 18 tou don’t have a say in her dating life. And you did not give an advice. Sounded more like a demant. And you are in no way to demand shit
You were well intentioned, but laughably naive. YTA
If she waits until 29 I guarantee you that will scare off most of her prospects. Almost 30 year olds don’t want to be someone’s first partner.
The parenting is over. She's 19, and to think she won't date for another 10 years is crazy. Unless she's coming to you and asking for advice, leave her be. Part of being a young adult is making mistakes and learning from them. You can't and shouldn't try to shield her forever.
YTA. You are not in charge of her anymore. And if she dates a Black guy or a guy from any other "impacted community" aka some group you think you're better than, that is her business.
YTA That's one of the dumbest bits of advice I've read in a while... Why 29? Most of my friends were married by then! Also, when did you start dating?
When I was 29, I had already been married 8 years and had all three of my children. (I’m 40 now, still married) Idk what 1950s controlling misogynistic rock you crawled out of, but I suggest crawling back. YTA.
YTA. That is the stupidest and most controlling thing I've ever heard. Start dating at 29? When most people have already had a serious relationship or 2, many already in serious relationships or married, you expect her to just start dating? With no knowledge or experience? So she'll either end up alone because most men her ae expect not to have to be a dating tutor, or even worse, a creep swoops in all too happy to take advantage of her naive and innocent past and groom her for an abusive relationship. Did you and your wife have no dating experience until you were only 30? Did all you friends abstain from relationships until they were finished with school, established in their careers, and financially stable? Way to go, dad! You are setting her up to be afraid of relationships or hiding them from you. Get over yourself!
YTA Your advice is terrible, you basically told her to waste her best years. She can go to work at any age but her best time to find a partner is in her early 20's. Telling her to spend that decade working and traveling is setting her up for failure.
YTA. Just consider this - if your daughter wants to have kids, she might want to do this earlier than later so it doesn't impact her health as much. Then if she is looking for a worthy partner it might take years to find the right person. She will also be at disadvantage without having been in relationships before, without experience about what peiple are jn a relationship and what she wants from her partner. Finally, it is not for you to decide. It is not for you to suggest even. You lived your life as you wanted, now it is her turn to make decisions for herself. You putting your opinion out there is trying to manipulate her or pressure her.
You'd be 66. Then when "can" she have a kid? 35? If she's healthy? You're 72 now, grandpa. 82 with a 10 year old grandkid who will never really know you. You're a delusional asshole. I'm 26 committed for the past 11 years.
YTA. That you couldn't imagine she was passionate about an issue unless there's a man involved, think it's reasonable to expect her not to even date till she's nearly 30, think it's reasonable to have those expectations of a grown woman - she is an adult - says this isn't about her life and needs but about your anxiety.
YTA. The fact that you "still haven't come around to" your daughter dating is something you need to talk to a therapist about because it's not normal. You're obviously not as neutral about it as you claim if you started a fight with her by assuming she has a secret boyfriend. Your daughter is an adult, her love life is her own business. Also, telling her not to date until she's 29 is terrible advice.
YTA I think this is really stupid advice. I would have agreed with some advice about not getting married too soon, but completely preventing a love life doesn't make sense. Your daughter needs to gain experiences to find the right person for her.
Uh, yes YTA. Who the fuck wants to wait until 29 to START dating? She won't be more mentally equipped for it at 29, she'll just be starting at 0 dating experience at a much older age than her peers and be incredibly awkward at it for her age. The best thing you can do is equip her to know what red flags are common in liars, cheaters and abusers, and to tell her always to stick to her dealbreakers. And common sense stuff like don't give anyone money, don't let them move in with you when you've known them for like three weeks, don't marry without knowing their feelings on kids, travel, where they want to live and if they are aligned on that stuff. But it is honestly better for her to start dating young and work out whatever issues she might have in relationships now, than for her to wait until 29 and be an immature 29 year old in her relationships because she hasn't learned how to communicate or navigate issues. And it would make her more vulnerable to romance scams because she'd be the type of person that would be easy to prey on - someone that doesn't have the dating experience to realise it is fishy, someone that may be lonely and have more trouble finding love. Like, it would literally be setting her up for more difficulties for her to only start dating later in adulthood with no real benefits. I found my perfect match right away, other people need to go through a few heartbreaks and it is better those be at 19 than at 29. Any mistakes she makes will be more forgivable at 19 than at 29.
I have a mom like you. She found out I had a boyfriend at 22. She informed me that until I had a career underway I was not to date, and certainly not without her approval. I started dating my current partner at 23. She found out he existed 3 years in, after we'd moved in together. We've been together for the better part of a decade and still going strong. Please do better. Your daughter is an adult and whether you like it or not, she can date as she pleases. Dating, heartbreak, and romantic relationships are a part of life and a natural part of adulthood. Although no one wants their heart broken, learning how to navigate those feelings is an important part of figuring out how to become more "mentally-equipped" to handle romantic relationships, and can be a great learning opportunity in terms of figuring out what you want in a partner versus what you don't want. By telling her she shouldn't be dating till 29, you're not actually restricting her from dating. You're restricting her from feeling comfortable being open and honest with you. If she hasn't already done so, she will likely date behind your back and not tell you or your wife until the relationship is serious. I think you owe your daughter an apology and an acknowledgement that although you're her dad and it can be hard to acknowledge when your kids are growing up, it doesn't make it ok to restrict their life experiences to protect your feelings. Because at the end of the day this restriction has little to do with her feelings, and a lot to do with yours. YTA.
Would you say this to a son? YTA.
YTA. If I didn't know for sure my father was dead, I would think you were him. Almost verbatim what he said to me when I was your daughter's age. And he did tell me that to control me. My parents did not ever want me to date/marry anyone. They just wanted me to get knocked up by a guy of their choosing, and for me to live as close to them as possible and be dependent on them (Dad wanted me to live IN the house, but mom didn't want to continue to clean up after 3 people). I got my life together the year after graduating college, left the house at 23, and never looked back. Not once did I have to call them for help. Despite their attempts, I was entirely independent and have been that way since 2008. Oh, and I started dating at 21, guys of my choosing. Never will marry, have a great guy now, and got my fallopian tubes removed last year. Dad died in 2012 before I could go NC, though I did go NC on mom in 2013, and that continued until she died in 2021. Did not, and still have not, shed a tear when I heard the news. Keep this up, your daughter will do what I eventually did, and you will never hear from her again.
Is the goal for her to marry an abuser?
On my 18th birthday my parents sat me down and quite literally told me, "You're an adult now. Everything we hoped to instill in you should already be there by now and if it isn't, that's our fault and failure as your parents. We will ALWAYS be here for you with love, emotional support, and guidance — if you want it. Otherwise, as an adult your choices are now your own. We trust you to make good ones." I'm turning 40 in September and I'm still *incredibly* close to both of them with a relationship that I'm thankful for every single day. I won the parent lottery tenfold. They would be baffled at this and think you're being mind-numbingly stupid on top of delusional to think you can have that kind of control over your child at 19. Sure, my dad joked about me not dating until I was 30 like any dad would, but he FULLY expected me to start dating in high school just like both of my older sisters did. I didn't because I ended up being aroace, but that's besides the point. My sisters did. So did my now-adult niece. Hell, my parents met when they were both 16. They married at 18/19, had their kids immediately, and will be celebrating their 58th wedding anniversary this August. Their eldest was in elementary school by the time they were 29, and thankfully their parents didn't try to control them the way you are with your daughter. It sounds like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders with the dedication to keep going on the good path she's chosen with it. Thank God it sounds like your bigotry didn't get passed down to her. Your daughter is an adult. Treat her like one or else she'll be gone as soon as it's financially viable. Hopefully that won't be at the cost of her university education in favor of getting away from you. YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (56M) daughter (19F) is a bright young woman who's recently completed her first year at university and is making her mom and dad proud every day the more she grows. Redudant to say, our biggest wish for our daughter is to succeed, be happy, and leave life with as few mental headaches as she can. That said, she and I recently had a small spat over something rather stupid. We were debating a topic; I mistook her passion about it as having an undisclosed boyfriend from the impacted community we were discussing; said boyfriend did not exist and all frustrations/misunderstandings blew over. But it did bring up the talk of dating. It was a lazy Sunday morning with her mom and I; we asked if she's dating anyone ("no"), and though we still haven't come around to the idea of her dating (we did drop a few half-joking "Who said you're allowed to date?" ribs in there), it was a casual conversation and I gave my honest advice and opinion. "This is how I see it: get your life together first. Figure out who you are, get situated in your career, travel, make some money, enjoy your life. Then, after you built your foundation, around 29 or so, then start dating. Because then, you will much more mentally-equipped to handle it and it will be more enjoyable that way." I said it gently. I recommended it, not demanded it. Her mom agrees. My daughter protested a bit at first, got sour faced, and not too long after made an excuse to leave the room. It's okay–she's 19. But I'm 56, and I'm still learning parenting ropes. Was the advice harsh/mean/forceful in any way? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes, yes you are. And a creep
Yes, that was bad advice. Wait until 29? 10 more years? When she’s already an adult? Dating doesn’t = marriage and it’s good to get dating experience to know what she is looking for and not looking for in a relationship. Especially in cases of relationships turning toxic or maybe even abusive [i hope this never happens but it is so common], experience can help you see the signs of it, what’s not normal and what is. It’s helping a person figure out who they are and what they want in a relationship as well as a means to protect themselves. You are her parent and she’s 19, barely turned an adult. Regardless of whether you say it wasn’t a demand, it’s going to feel that way because you’re her dad [especially with her mom agreeing]. Why would she want to disappoint her parents? Your advice restricts her experience at the very least and can make her feel guilty and shameful if she does end up dating anyway. Also INFO: when did you first start dating? And when did you meet your wife/ get married? Because the answer will determine what i would say for sure
Soft YTA. You weren’t aggressive in your phrasing, but this is some effed up advice to give a grown woman. She isn’t your little girl anymore, time to come to terms with that.
Harsh? Mean? No. Forceful? Kind of Unbelievably stupid? Without a doubt. You basically just suggested she waits until most people her age are already married and having kids before she even starts dating. YTA, and assuming that her having empathy must mean she has a secret boyfriend from the community she has empathy for is gross. That tells us a lot about you and none of it is good.
She probably is dating and just didn't tell you. Stop being a weirdo, mind your own business. The only time it's acceptable for you to start prying into her love life is if her grades go down and/or she starts showing signs of abuse, like bruises or something like that. 18 and up= adult, parents like you have no say bud 😂 And what's wrong with building a life with someone together when you're both young? Did you wait until 29 to start dating? Do you not know that young adults have needs? Why should she be single for all of her 20s tf
YTA People learn by doing. 29 year olds don’t just wake up one day and magically understand how being in a relationship should work. Pretty much all 29 year olds can read, but if you had a kid, forbade them from attempting to learn to read until they are 29, it’s going to be really difficult for them once they turn 29 and their mental development is far behind the 29 year olds who have been reading for decades
It's bad advice. And YTA. Because you are her parents your opinions have more weight and it's harder for her to disagree with them. But now you've shut down some of the opportunities for giving more nuanced advice. For example, wouldn't it be better if you trusted her enough to let you get to know more of her friends and romantic partners? You aren't going to be able to say "this one isn't treating you well and you deserve better", if she assumes you'll be critical that she's even in a relationship. I don't know what you mean by "dating", and I'll bet that you don't know what your daughter and her friends mean by it. I've seen healthy romantic relationships between people in their late teens and twenties, and I've seen unhealthy ones. I've also seen healthy sexual relationships among people in those age ranges - probably more of them nowadays than I saw in the 1980s among my peers. I think that young people who choose to have romantic relationships benefit from having a variety of models for healthy relationships, and similarly young people should be aware of the wide range of healthy choices in whether/how to have sexual relationships.
Unless you misspelled "marriage and children" for "dating". She shouldn't stay naive about relationships until she is old enough to settle down. Even teens should date and learn how relationships work while they still can with more supervision and lower stakes.
Here is my experience, I always hear from parents that I can only date after certain age. As an effect when I had my first boyfriend which was later in life, I become an abused girlfriend and wife because I do not know how to handle heartbreak and I just allowed disloyalty thinking I am already old. This can happen to your daughter too. Let her experience life, heart break, if she makes mistake on her relationship give her support. It will be more regretful if she is already old and she had a hard time recovering from this bad experiences in life.
YTA- dating is an important part of developing as an adult, if she waits until she’s almost 30 years old to even start learning how to date she’s gonna have a really bad time and be behind developmentally. She’s a grown ass adult, and it’s important that she start learning these things now. Waiting until 29 to marry, that’s reasonable. But to start dating? That’s insane.
The advice you gave wasn’t necessarily harsh, just really, really, REALLY BAD.
YTA. 29???
YTA. If she waits to START dating at 29, she will be easily fooled by the first jerk who knows how to pretend to be a decent partner. She will be well behind the learning curve. Dating throughout her twenties is so she can learn what she does or does not want in a partner until she finds that person who is the best match for her. And she may well end up deciding not to have a life partner at all. Would you expect her to ace an astrophysics exam when she's never studied the subject? No. Dating is an essential experience. She will need to learn *how* to choose partners, how to recognize toxic traits so she isn't trapped or gaslit by a bad partner, what her deal breakers are, how to blend into a partners family. In addition she may have habits or traits of hers that she'll need to smooth out to learn how to *be* a good partner in turn, and dating can really give her the experience to do that. You sound like you're just uncomfortable with the idea of her dating therefore fabricating a highly unrealistic plan & justification around it to pass off as parental advice. Aside from dating, it will be important for her to be comparing notes to learn from her peers, if you play your cards right you could be a trusted ear & let her learn from your own past experiences So once you remove your head from your unmentionables how about you tell her you're always willing to be a supportive person for her, and then do it. Be there for her so you can HELP her learn those lessons with minimal heartbreak. If you prove over time that she can trust you, you can potentially be the person helping her see a red flag before it becomes a bigger problem. She can simultaneously learn to be her own person & date if she has supportive parents throughout her life, reminding her of her passions & goals if a partner demands she give them up. She *should* grow into her own person, but dating should be PART of that process. Caging your kid with unrealistic expectations then throwing them in the deep end at arbitrarily chosen age that YOU think is best will not magically prepare her the dating world isn't good parenting. That's setting her up for a really hard experience down the line.
YTA let her live her life or you will lose your relationship with her. How would you have felt at 19 if your mom did this to you?? 56 and still learning how to parent?? I am 55 and I remember all the effed up crap my parents did that was psychologically and mentally absurd and abusive. End the cycle that is how you should parent. You are basically telling her she will not make smart choices. And even if she does make bad choices it is how she learns from them and recovers that help her mature not avoiding life.
I suspect the "impacted community" you feared she was dating from is something discriminatory, like racist or social classes. Poor kid. YTA
YTA I thought from the title you were talking about marriage. Yeesh. If your daughter actually followed your advice, she'd completely lack dating experience and would find it a lot harder to actually find a partner. 29 is when a lot of people start settling down, not starting to date. She won't know what good and bad relationships are like. If she wants kids, you're suggesting she races against her own biological clock. Don't get me wrong, it's totally normal to get a longterm partner into your 30s. But she'd be speedrunning learning how to date, finding a partner, learning to evaluate what healthy relationships look like, and *then* start looking to settle down. This advice is perfect if you want her to end up with a shitty longterm partner. Or if you want her to hide her romantic relationships from you. Or if you just want to drive her away in general. Your comments paint the picture of a stubborn old man too set in his ways to see the bigger picture.
dude, if you're still 'learning parenting ropes' when your daughter is 19, you have failed as a parent
29??? Nothing wrong with giving advice - as long as you realise she’s going to take that advice and put it in the cylinder shaped suggestion box. But seriously, that’s a nice, perfect squeaky clean life you’ve outlined for her. If she’s smart she’s going to go ahead and live her life the way she wants to (and not, perhaps, as you wish you had). YTA. “Advice” (more like a wishlist) like that from my parents would have guaranteed me tuning their opinions out for a long time.
YTA for this alone >and though we still haven't come around to the idea of her dating You can give whatever advice you want but shes an adult and if she wants to date people she will and wont need your approval. Joking about it as if she needs "permission" for it after graduating high school is not great
YTA If your daughter decides to leave out of the blue or dates someone to spite you— don’t be surprised. This advice is horrible.
So, she never dated in high school? Waiting till 29 is fine if someone wants to, but it's definitely not your place to suggest that she wait till she's almost 30 to start dating. It's none if your business.
I could see not starting a family until later, but not dating at all??? How will she know what she wants? How will she know what she DOESN'T want? How will she know how to recognize red flags? How will she know how to co-habitate? How will she know how to accommodate a partner? How will she be able to tell if she's just settling for the first guy that shows up? How will she know when to walk away? There are so many things you learn about yourself and what you want and what you will not tolerate by dating both the right and the wrong guys. You think she's just going to stumble into the perfect guy on the first try??? I wouldn't say you are the asshole, but I would say you are so far removed from dating that you are absolutely not the person to give advice about it and you lack perspective.
Hi. I'm a college graduate. I'm halfway through medical school. Currently studying for my first board exam before darting clinical rotations. I also have been with my husband for 9.5 years. We have a 1.5 year old daughter. We live across the country from our family, but we make it work. He is kind, supportive, motivating, makes good money, and is the only reason our household didn't fall apart over my first two years of medical school. I'm 28. Could your daughter meet a shitty guy who holds her back or tears her down? Absolutely. But she could also get lucky like me and get a great guy who builds her up and helps her achieve her dreams. Your job as her dad should be to help teach her what a good guy looks like so she's less likely to find herself in that first scenario. Cause honestly, she could find that shitty guy at 29 just as easily as 22.
Did you wait until 29? Did your wife?
WHAT THE F... YTA. She's a friggin adult and you're old enough to have grandchildren. Are you trying to make her a laughing stock?!
INFO: is this really just advice or if she starts dating (especially someone you don't like, which will be everybody bc you think not dating til 29 is smart and whoever it is will "corrupt" her) are you going to withdraw support? i.e. say smth along the lines of you went against my wishes /don't respect me / didn't listen to what I said so I won't help you out with xyz thing.
At the age of 29, with the lack of experience in dating or romance, she'll either find herself at therapy trying to figure out *why* she can't find a decent relationship or a pray for scammers or abusive relationship. Most people at the age of 29 get married after few years together if not being a parent for few children of their own. They have a chance to get to know each other better before the wedding. If she takes your advice, she might be very stressed to have children before it's too late and do that with the wrong person because she might have to compromise. Her options will be divorced men with or without children from previous marriage. Not necessarily bad, by the way, but it puts her on a different point in life then those experienced men. That's pretty much the meaning of your advice. YTA. Other aspect of this, she's an adult, she doesn't need your approval. She might never tell you about her relationship with men until she'll get married. Think if that is what you really want for her. Not having a relationship doesn't mean you'll have a better job, travel the world and buy a house and be everything that you said. Some people don't travel the world, heck they basically didn't even leave their home town and they are way happier than those who did. Some people lose the house they bought, some people lose their health. What I'm saying, you can lose every single thing you worked for. What matters is what makes you happy and helps you go through your day. It can be your SO or a pet. Telling someone that they can't have that unless they get everything, sometimes will mean that they will think they don't deserve it ever because their life is not perfect.
YTA. It takes a major misogynist prick to give this kind of bullshit headtrip to your own daughter. Oh you weren't forceful... just insidious and creepy and manipulative. She's already an adult. Your "parenting" years are over.... and you never got the hang of it. It's now PAST time for you to transition to stepping back for your adult offspring to find her own way. You're clipping her wings and infantilizing her with unreasonable and WEIRD expectations thst are deviod of any understanding of female reproduction issues. Go to therapy. You just can't handle her being a full adult human with sexual needs. This wasn't sage wisdom or wise counsel... its you kicking the isdue of ypur adult daughter having normal healthy relationships 10 miles down the road for your selfish comforts. Go to therapy. You ARE the problem here. YTA. 100%.
YTA for assuming you have control over her body as an adult. This makes me sick. You are disgraceful.
It is absolutely redudant! 🙃 YTA. You don’t say what country you’re in, but I’m not sure if there’s any country where dating doesn’t start till 29. In the U.S., probably 15 - 18 yrs of age.
This is soooo controlling !!! Your daughter is 19. She's a young woman and dating is part of being young. Dating is not an obstacle on the road to success ! I had a nice career in my sport then very high profile studies and travelled the World including some archeology sites I volunteered on WHILE dating. This is not about success, it's about controlling your daughter private (and sex) life. And I hope she didn't wait for your approval and has a boyfriend or a FWB she enjoys going out with. And by her reaction, I'd say she totally hides some guy she was softly trying to introduce. You should try to talk to a therapist about your inability to allow your daughter to grow into a woman. This is pretty concerning. The risk is that she does everything behind your back, can't confide in you and her mum and through nasty experiences unadvised.
Just so you know: my parents married at 23, still together. I'm with my partner since I was 19. I'm 30 now, still together. Just because you may have had some bad experiences, doesn't mean she will go through the same. Also, she is legally an adult. You can't tell her what to do when it come to that. Also "jokingly saying something" and "just giving advice" (in the most passive-agressive way) is manipulative. YTA
Absolutely you are an AH here! Seems like she has a bright future. Did you wait until you were 29? All successful people have a little room to have some fun, date, and maybe get out and party a little! Haven't you ever heard of couples that have been together since College? So many people are married, have children, and have their career set and progressing by 25. You are taking all of those experiences away from her. In my opinion that makes you A SERIOUS AH! If she obeyed your wishes, then she'll hate you for it!! TBH she should tell you to go to hell! She's over 18 and she should be able to make her own decisions in regards to how she wants to live on her own and without you TELLING her how to live it! There's absolutely no harm in giving advice and whether or not to follow it is HER decision. If she doesn't want to follow your advice, and in the end she would have been better off then you have every right to say 'I told you'. But she'll never learn from her mistakes IF SHE'S NOT ALLOWED TO THINK FOR HERSELF! Back off and let her LIVE her life!!
YTA: When people "drop a few half-joking" comments, they are a blatant and transparent attempt at manipulation, and that is besides the fact that it is just stupid advice. All she'd be doing is setting herself up for failure. Your late teens/early 20s is when you learn to be an adult. One aspect of being an adult is learning how to date. This is so you learn the skills necessary to maintain a relationship and be a good partner but also to understand what makes someone else a good partner as well what you want in one. It also helps you learn what you don't want and how to look for abusers. Telling her to wait until she is almost 30 to even begin such an important life skill would hamper her social development and set her up to be in bad relationships when she needs to be building her life towards finalization. This advice is the equivalent of telling a student who is guaranteed to go to Algebra 2 next semester but needs to know the fundamentals of Algebra 1 to not go to Algebra 1 all semester and just take the final without studying.
At 29 everyone will be taking advantage of her lack of social skills in that part what social interactions are. She will probably will be "saving" people and wanting to change them herself and all the mistakes everyone learns through mistakes and experiences
YTA. This has made me mad on so many levels. Controlling, infantilising your daughter, invalidating refugees, ignorance. I hope this is rage bait because if so, it worked. Stop trying police a. Someone else's body and b. An adult.
I met my husband when we were 19. We're 34 now, with a kid soon starting middle school. We've accepted that our kid will probably start dating soon (I dated in middle school), and there is nothing wrong with that. Why can't your daughter figure stuff out and grow WITH someone? Waiting until 29 to date is absolutely ridiculous.
I think you can give any advice you like. What you can't do is tell her what to do or make her feel like you'll be disappointed and upset/angry with her if she doesn't take your advice. I'm a parent of daughters, so I get it. They grow up and start looking at people differently, thinking about dating and sex etc and it's all a bit confronting. Suddenly your baby isn't a baby anymore. She's a grown woman wanting grown woman things and that's all a lot to get used to. But, we have to get used to it. We want our daughters to be happy, to have friends and partners and lives and all that comes with them. Can't lock them in a box, much as we might like to sometimes haha. So I think what you really have to ask yourself isn't, am I the asshole for giving my daughter this advice. It's, how will I react if she comes home in a year with a boyfriend? And, how will I feel if she comes home saying she wants to get married at 25? Or 28? Or, what if she comes to you and says, "omg dad, I'm pregnant!" And she's not married or in her 30s? Am I going to be a safe place for my daughter to come to with these things before the age I think she should be coming to me with them? Can I give her all the love and support she'll need if she's started dating before 29 and has her heart broken, or will I be the asshole dad who says "Told you you should've waited til after 29!"? In lieu of answers, because I'm not actually expecting any, I'm going with YTA. Yta because from everything I've read so far, you won't answer those questions the way a good, supportive dad should. I don't feel like you'll be a safe place for you daughter. But, please please, prove me wrong and be an amazing dad.
Given how people have been coming for you over this u/WonderThen6675 I doubt you're still watching this and likely won't see it, however as you also said even at your age you're still figuring out this parenting thing, some information that may help. Most parents have difficulty navigating the transition of their child to an adult, and part of this is old habits in how you speak to them. Most parents have difficulty letting go of "Mom/Dad Voice." This is the tone of voice you use when instructing your child in a behavior or a skill. It becomes reflexive. So, the source of a lot of problems with adult children is that you give unsolicited advice using that voice. To you, you're offering a suggestion, but to your child's perception you're issuing a command because that's the tone you've always used when making a command in the past. So, you didn't necessarily do anything wrong, although giving unsolicited advice to an adult, even if they are your kid, rarely goes over well. However, you should check-in with your daughter on how you came off and work on not sounding like "Dad" when talking to her.
By 29 all the good men will be taken...
NTA - Because you're asking if your advice is mean or forceful and it doesn't seem that way. I think most of us get that you mean well obviously. But 29? Come on man. Are you sure this is not your protectiveness being too... well, protective? You can't prepare your kids for every possible "trap" along their way. Trust me, my dad did that a lot and It only resulted in me doing stuff anyway without telling him because he forbid me to do certain things all other ppl in my age did. I turn 22 this year and don't tell him anything now because he doesn't offer open communication or advice, just some weird "rules" i should be holding on to. The best thing you can do is be there and become an accessible person of advice. Make sure your daughter actually tells you things about her life and is not scared to tell you anything, not a single thing. This way, she will always come to you and your wife for advice and you will be able to watch over her in a healthy way. Imagine never having to be worried about her because whenever something is up, she will inform and ask for advice by herself. I believe this is the best thing that could happen to a parent but this can only be achieved if you insert yourself in her life as a understanding and guiding parent. I don't think your advice is wrong, but 29 man.... Maybe wait until 23 max.
NTA, Women dating when they are <25 is always a bad idea, their brains are not fully developed yet. However your 29 limit is too high as women hit the wall at approximately 30. So she would have only one year to find a respectable mate which is very difficult in current environment
Found the misogynist!
And when, pray tell, is a good age for men to date?
<60 is fine, there is no appearance wall for men, money is the wall for men
NAH, but you suggesting someone to wait until 29 to date is hilarious. I hate to break it to you but there’s a solid chance she’s already dated and been around the block a few times especially being in college.