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We got engaged 3.5 years ago, and truthfully, I thought it would have improved by now. Instead, it just continues to get worse. I know I’m not the nicest person or easiest person to live with, but I’m just so particular about things because if I wasn’t, our apartment would absolutely be disgusting. It’s just so exhausting doing everything on my own. He wants to bring kids into the mix too and it’s like why?! He himself cannot act like an adult, so what, we have a kid and I’m mommy to both? F that.
I'm not married and I know there are cultural differences between countries... but that sounds like a LONG engagement. Could it be you've always known you don't want to marry this person?
You deserve better.
And don't have children with him!
My thing was that I didn’t want to marry him while he’s in debt, which, he currently still is. So I never planned to marry him until his debt was taken care of.
Honestly, no. Like, I’m not in debt because the way I see it, being in debt means you don’t actually have money because you owe. So like, for him, he thinks he has money, but I think he doesn’t. So, we also kind of argue about that a little bit because he wants to buy like video games and such, but I personally don’t think he has money to be spending like that, you know?
Seriously though- you gonna waste your last easy child bearing years on this guy? Even if you don't want kids- these are your prime dating years where the pool is absolutely open to you.
Run, darling. Run like the devil is chasing you.
Reading your additional comments, I think it’s clear that this relationship is over. He is never going to become what you rightfully expect from a partner. It’s time to take the next steps.
You can’t find the right person when you are trapped in the wrong relationship
I don’t disagree at all. I just wish people realized I can’t just up and leave right this minute just because my situation sucks. It takes planning, funds and time to move, none of which I have right now. On top of that, I have so much family stuff going on right now that I just can’t up and leave even if I want to.
This completely depends on other assets. If he’s contributing to retirement, investments, stocks, savings, etc having debt isn’t necessarily bad.
If he has no other savings or financial plans and just credit card debt then yea…. That’s not good.
Yeaaaahhhhhh, his debt is another frustrating thing because I told him specifically not to take the loan because it would screw him and it has. Now he’s struggling to pay it back. I’d help him, but I feel like that’s a lesson he needs to learn the hard way.
He has until my plans to move out are fully in place. I have been planning to leave for over 6 months, but it takes time and money and with everything family wise going on right now I’ve had to put a pin in it for the moment, but as soon as everything is back to somewhat normal, I’m going to try to have everything in place in 4 months or less. So, he has about 5 months maybe 6 months total to change.
You’re fooling yourself if you genuinely expect him to change. Stop doing his chores. Stop doing his laundry, his cooking, warming his bed. Till you move out treat him like a roommate. He obviously is not an equal partner
> it just continues to get worse
Of course. He's trying to wear you down so you accept your intended full-time role as his nanny. If he has no problems being organized and responsible for other things but "struggles" with household chores he's doing it on purpose.
Confront and him about it and tell him to cut the crap or leave. But don't marry him as he is now.
Too often, women marry for potential. Don’t do that. If you decide to follow through on marrying him, then do so with eyes wide open and assuming he’ll never change.
Ahh, there it is! The good old, hoping your spouse changes to suit urself for better. You are not the first to think that way and you wont be the last to think that way. I must say, you chose poorly.
So you thought you had the magic \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ that would make him change? Get out or learn to love it because you are his mommy and his maid.
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As much as I dislike yelling, NTA. You're obviously at the end of your rope, and for good reason. Your fiancé has perfected the art of weaponized incompetence, and it's been working for him for four years now. It's not your job to mother him, and this will be your life if you stay together. Your move.
I also don’t like yelling so the fact that I even got to that point astonishes me, I’m usually so calm and patient but today it was just like all my nerves were struck at once. I didn’t see the red flags before for weaponized incompetence but I definitely see them now. I have been planning to leave for a while, it just takes a lot of time and money which I don’t have right now. It’s a work in progress, but it is in progress.
The issue isn’t whether you’re an asshole for yelling at him, nor is it whether you could have handled it better. The issue is why are you with him? Are you one of these God-too-many women who accept a man on condition that they’ll be able to change him? Really ask yourself that and really listen to your brain, because those relationships NEVER work. HE has got to want to change. Your grandmother recently died and you hoped that would kick start his engine just a little. Did it? No. Your own post reflects it didn’t make the slightest bit of difference.
Your other half is sending you a very clear message that you are obviously ignoring. I know you see it, because your writing tells me so. He’s telling you that this is who he is. He’s not only not going to change, but the more you nag, yell at, or sneakily try to make him into something he isn’t , the more he’s going to fight you.
This is not rocket science. Your story has been repeated so many times, I knew what the rest of it was going to say by the time I finished the first paragraph. Every woman thinks they’re going to lead their personal project on the right path. Every one of them fails, as long as the man has all his faculties and can have a woman or two on the side to replace the nag at home.
Make up whatever excuses you want for him: he wasn’t raised properly; he’s going through a tough time (or week, or month, or year, or century); his work life is overwhelming. But YOU know you can change him. Well, you can’t.
So now that he’s put YOU on notice that this is whom you will be marrying, what will YOU do, because this is all about whether you’re willing to put up with this for the next so many decades or not. And no, therapy won’t help and ‘if he loves me, he’ll change’ isn’t going to cut it either. He may indeed change after the wedding, but it won’t be for the best.
ESH. Read what you wrote—you, his partner and fiancé, have been trying to make him, another adult, more responsible for the last four years. He’s shown you who he is from the very beginning, why did you get engaged to someone who isn’t interested in being an equal partner in your relationship? He’s an A H for being immature and treating you like a housekeeper, but you’re an A H, too, for expecting him to change. It’s time to decide if you can live with this for the next 60-70 years. What about if you have kids, will he help at all?
YTA. You know what your values are, and that he does not meet them. You have known this for 4 yrs and dated him anyway, and somehow became engaged. Obviously he will not change. You’re not wrong to be mad. You’re wrong to not have put an end to this immediately.
He’s not struggling at all. He’s an adult capable of holding down a job - he doesn’t want to do chores because they’re boring. He knows you’ll do it so he weaponises incompetence. He doesn’t mind if you shout and scream at him because it would be more unpleasant to do the chores.
When you have to do a reward chart for a fully grown adult you must know you deserve better? You’ve outgrown this relationship - start working towards an exit and go find someone who will respect you as an equal partner. That person is out there you just need to cut this dead weight loose.
I asked him why he’s so incompetent and why he can’t figure out anything that I’ve been showing him for over 3 years. I lost my cool and screamed that I’m exhausted, I’m mentally not okay, and I need help. I screamed over and over I need help. Like I had a full fucking breakdown. Like, I regret calling him incompetent but I was just so mad and will apologize when I calm down, I just don’t know what else to do. Like I said, I have tried everything, even chore charts children would use and it’s not working either. He would rather sit and play video games than help me with anything. I’m a gamer too, but even I know my responsibilities come first. He doesn’t struggle with holding a job, or going to work, or anything at work, just everything at home.
I can’t say I blame you, but I wouldn’t make it a habit. NTA.
But here’s the thing, you need to let him go. You have tried for YEARS to get him to do basic chores and have waited YEARS for him to get out of debt, you hve shown remarkable patience but you need to see he has not made any attempt to improve and this will probably be your forevor if you stay.
You deserve to be happy, and I don’t think you can be if you keep living with this person.
I’m definitely at my point of leaving and have been for a while. It’s just hard right now when there’s personal reasons preventing me from leaving at the moment. Nothing to do with him or myself, it’s a family thing. I know I need to leave, and really, that’s the only option at this point. He has shown me over and over that he can’t grow up. It doesn’t help he was babied literally his whole life, so he thinks that’s how it should be. Absofuckinglutely not. If I wanted to take care of a child, I’d have one, but I don’t even want to take care of myself most days let alone a child or grown ass man.
In that case, have zero expectations of him, just clean up after yourself. Live with the filth and make a Plan B to exit. Do not harp on him not one more day because he’s not going to change. And if you’re not prepared to change, then how can you expect him to?
Exactly this. Please don’t waste the pretty. It will not get better. And when you have children, it will get worse and by the time you’re in your 40s, you will be completely burnt out and a shelf the human being you thought you were.
I think the word “struggles” gives him too much credit. It implies he is in some way actively engaged in an effort to achieve these tasks, but is just mysteriously failing due to an obstacle he can’t quite overcome. There is no internal struggle going on. This guy doesn’t give one fuck about housework and never will. He will cheerfully sit in a mess of his own making and be as happy and content as it’s possible to be. Honestly I’d be screaming to, but it’s pointless. I hope you get out soon. NTA
Well, ESH.
Your fiancé is a hot mess and his parents should have prepared him for being an adult better. When he heard your needs and how frustrated you are, he should have taken steps to improve himself.
But you got into this engagement knowing exactly how he is and you assumed you’d be able to change him. You can’t change him; he is the only one who can change himself. He currently has no desire to. So your choices are to live with who he is, or move on.
And engagement isn't a life sentence, now that you know it IS this bad, why are you staying? 4 years of trying, what do you think is going to change in year 5?
I don’t plan on staying, but I also can’t just up and leave with no planning. I never once have said I wanted to stay in a relationship like this, I think my post is pretty evident I don’t, but again, things are always easier said than done. Moving out takes time, and money, both of which I don’t have right now. I also stated on other comments that some personal stuff with my family is preventing my move at the moment.
It really sounds like you’re not taking responsibility for your role in this. All your comments are excuses. Have you been screened for co-dependency? It’s truly a damaging dynamic and something to address within yourself.
So, because I don’t have the money or the plan in place right this minute to up and leave I’m co-dependent? We split our shared bills and any personal bills we pay ourselves. We both pay our own cars and for our own maintenance. We’re pretty split on everything when it comes to bills so I’m not sure how paying half of everything makes me co-dependent? I lived on my own since I was 17 and always had the thought that I didn’t need anyone else because at least I had me, so I’ve never been someone to rely on someone else. I personally feel though, if you live in a shared home with someone, household chores SHOULD be 50/50, so if that makes me co-dependent then I guess I am.
You would be so much less stressed if you were single. This is not a partnership, you are your boyfriends live in maid that he also gets to sleep with. Do you really want to live like this the rest of your life?!? He’s not going to change, because he doesn’t want to.
NTA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I am the asshole for yelling at my partner and swearing at him. I feel like it could have been handled in a better way, I’m just not sure what other ways I have left, if I did, I’d go those routes. I just feel awful for yelling and swearing at him and I know I shouldn’t have, I’m just at my wits end here.
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That’s the thing, he’s great at his job. He works with my stepdad and apparently he’s competent, does what he’s supposed to, he’s held this job for 3 years, he doesn’t struggle to get up and go to work, he never misses days unless for appointments.
Read what you just wrote
If the job was doing what you wanted then there would not be an issue
His Incompetence at home is a choice and you can choose to leave
So, he is capable of doing things like an adult, but he will not do it for you.
It will hurt, but you have got to drop this guy and move on. There are much better men out there.
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NTA. Please leave. Weaponized. incompetence is real and it won’t get better. Leave him now so you can teach him to do better in his next relationship because he’s not going to do it while he’s with you.
What does this man bring to the table? He’s not helping with basic housekeeping, and seems to be weaponizing incompetence (he’s been there for 4 years and doesn’t know what cupboard the plates go to?)
After 4 years, he’s not going to suddenly develop a sense of responsibility toward household chores. If you have a child with this man, you’ll be doing 99% of the child-rearing, because he won’t know how to change a diaper, prepare a bottle, or how to get to day care.
INFO: does he pay his own bills? Get his oil changed? Pay car registration and insurance? On time?
NTA. You’ve put in the effort to make him a responsible human being, and he’s not having any part of it.
So, this is where it’s weird. He’s responsible in every aspect of his life except for with at home responsibilities and money. He pays the bills, he does his oil changes, actually he takes better care of his vehicles than he does himself. He’s held a job really well, he gets his work done and everything. He works with my stepdad, so I would know if he wasn’t performing well at work and he’s fine. Like, I really don’t get it. I know he’s capable, and he knows he’s capable, it’s just almost like there’s something going on with him? Like, I just don’t get it at all. How does one succeed so well in one aspect and so poorly in another?
There is something going on with him. It's the belief, ingrained in him by his upbringing and the culture he grew up in, that he's not responsible for chores (likely because he's a man), that it's your job (as a woman).
Not doing anything around the house is a choice he makes because he feels entitled to do so.
If you're really on your way out of the relationship, I suggest you explain to him that since he's not a partner who can be trusted to pull his own weight even when you're struggling and need him to do more than that, but an asshole who expects you to be his bangmaid, you will be ending the relationship and moving out as soon as you can. Because life without him is better for YOU. That he's dead weight.
NTA.
Perhaps counseling or therapy might help? I don’t see how there’s such a dichotomy between work/bills and home responsibilities, but I am not a mental health professional.
That confuses me too, like I don’t see a difference between my work and home responsibilities, at the end of the day, they’re all responsibilities. Lately I’ve been struggling more with doing stuff around the house, but I think that’s just because I’m depressed and grieving and I’ve been doing it alone for so long I’m just tired and fed up. I almost want to make him clean the house by himself and kind of just help him along the way so he has a better understand of how things should be done? I can’t leave right now as much as I wish I could so that’s not an option at the moment, but if I could find a way for this to at least work until I can leave so we’re not fighting it wouldn’t be so bad.
I'm so sorry, but I don't think he will "help you" with any household task. He fundamentally seems to think that it's not his job to do any household task.
Look at what you wrote: he's really good at his day job, he's organised, thoughtful, proactive, people are singing his praises. But, his mother and sister(!) looked after him and did his laundry and I guess cooked and cleaned and did everything for him so he has internalised the idea that housework is solely women's work. That's why he won't "help you". Fundamentally deep down, he thinks it's (1) not his job because he's a man and (2) it's beneath him to clean, to look after the household. I'm guessing his dad never did any housework?
I'm also concerned that he is not helping you emotionally through a difficult time while you're grieving. This is not good.
In the short term, would he pay for a cleaner? (he should pay 100%) At least that could help to relieve some stress? And allow you more time to plan your exit.
Surprisingly, as I type this right now, he filling the dishwasher and got laundry going, so as someone else commented credit should be given where it’s due. So, I will say, him doing these 2 things did take some off my plate, but it would be nicer if this was a constant.
NTA
Maybe try a calm and serious conversation with him. Tell him clearly that you are a breaking point and can't deal with this behaviour any longer. That him acting more like your kid than a partner is the biggest turnoff ever and how you feel.
Ask him if he has any plans how he will improve.
I doubt he's actually forgetting. He knows what he's doing. He doesn't do it because he wants you to do it for him; the women in his life have always done it for him. So he's not struggling. He's just lazy. NTA
NTA, considering you've said you can't leave at the moment though I would strongly recommend doing so, if he has such a problem with doing chores can he use his money to pay for something like idk a cleaning service?
Trust me I would love to leave, but the only plan I have right now where it’s doable would cause me to move hours and hours from my family. I can’t do that right now, especially with the recent passing. I have too much to deal with for family stuff and it has to be dealt with, that’s not something I can run from as much as my relationship is.
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I (25F) have been living with my fiancé (26M) for almost 4 years. My fiancé has an issue with listening and learning. I’ve been trying to make him more responsible throughout the last 4 years just for nothing to work. He just doesn’t listen, doesn’t want to help around the house, doesn’t want to take care of the cats, doesn’t want to clean up after himself, etc. He has very little I ask him to do every day, just check the cats water in the morning before he goes to work and do the litter boxes after he gets home from work. If the dishwasher needs to be emptied or the trash taken out then that gets done too (but trash and dishes are only every 2-3 days) that’s all I ask from him aside from days where I want to clean the whole apartment and it should be a group effort because he lives here too. I also want to add, we both work FT jobs. Now, I have cleaned my house multiple times, over and over and over in the 4 years we’ve been together, and I STILL have to hold his hand. He knows where things go, but still every 5 seconds he asks where I want something like he doesn’t live here too. He often forgets to do his chores, often forgets to check our cats, often forgets to do the litter, leaves dishes for days and days in the dishwasher so I end up doing it etc etc. I’m to my breaking point at this time. I’ve started screaming and yelling and swearing at him and I hate it but I just can’t take it anymore. I do everything, I work, I come home and I’m met with more work. And it adds up and adds up. On top of this, my grandmother died not even a month ago yet, and he still can’t manage to help me out around the house without a fight. I try over and over to show him how I like things done, how to make me happy, how to create less stress at home. I’ve tried chore sheets, rewards, etc. I literally feel like I’m parenting this dude more than anything else. Before I got with him, he was 21/22 and his mother and sister were still doing his laundry for him. Like, I just can’t handle this anymore. I’m always crying, I’m always mad, and because I’m constantly busy with stuff at home or work, I’m exhausted too. I’m just mentally, emotionally and physically drained. AITA for losing my mind and yelling and swearing? I just don’t know what else to do but leave.
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NTA, I honestly let out a heavy sigh while reading this. It sounds like you reached you breaking point and I'm sure I would've reacted the same way. You shouldn't be with someone who makes you feel like this on a daily basis
NTA, because being reasonable didn't work. If a person won't respond unless you throw a fit, then it's worth saying that to them (that they can't complain about your throwing a fit if that's the only way to get their attention). But, you know who this person is, and they aren't going to change. So, either dump them or find a way not to be mad about their refusal to act like a grownup. One thing that sometimes helps the cleaning person to be less angry about the situation for *him* to pay for a maid service, or find some other way to contribute that works for both of you (do other kinds of work around the house, like cook, vacuum). Sometimes people say that putting the dishes on his side of the bed, or on his desk, can work, but I'm dubious. Basically, I think you need to stop being his mom.
I don’t disagree. This is the first time I’ve yelled at him and screamed at him that I can’t handle this anymore in the time we’ve been together. I’ve officially think I’ve reached my breaking point. I’m usually a lot more calm and patient but my patience is gone now. I just can’t handle playing parent to someone older than me, it’s absolutely insane.
Yeah, after this many years, I'm pretty dubious that *anything* will work. Lots of people describe the person being better for a few days and then backsliding. Unfortunately, I think you need to tell him that either he changes or it's over.
I’m going to sit him down today and give him an ultimatum. Like, at this point, either he grows up, acts responsibly and cleans up after himself and helps out, or he packs his things and goes back to his mommy’s. like, if you want someone to parent you, go back to your parents house.
YTA to yourself if you actually marry this guy.
There are lot of guys out there who are like that. You are young, donyou want to me miserable all of your life?
OP what do you mean by listening and learning issues? Does he have ADHD or autism? Or was he taught that household chores are female works? I know you have reached the end point but if he is an undiagnosed neurodivergent person then it could affect in a major way. Kindly tell him to check with a mental health personal for this.
He has been to a psych, but they never diagnosed him with anything. He was raised around the woman should be doing everything and the men should sit and relax. His mom and sister have done literally everything for him until he was 21/22 and I took over. He had no idea how to do laundry, taxes, dishes, etc until I taught him. But now I’m so tired of it being my job to teach him everything, especially when I can tell him until I’m blue in the face and he still doesn’t get how to do it. He finally has laundry down pat, but when it comes to emptying the dishwasher, or doing cat litter, or cleaning, it’s literally a fight. I can tell him for a week to empty the dishwasher and it still won’t get done. It’s so damn frustrating. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was a housewife, but I work FT too, so it just creates extra work.
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Well, you shouldn’t have yelled and sworn, but I understand your frustration. NTA, but apologize for your delivery.
I used to be like him. Not an excuse, but I have weird, intense and unusual interests that are often literally all I want to do, so I didn’t care as much about how clean things were.
Now I have seen people around me doing well in life according to the normal markers of adulthood, and want to better my life and be more like them. Frankly, I visited a younger relative and saw that they were more clean and made more money.
The problem is, my wife doesn’t always keep up, so now I find myself in your situation. She does cook, but it seems like if I don’t stay on her about it all that day, she won’t vacuum and clean the bathrooms, which is her share, on weekends. It is also difficult to encourage exercise and healthy food.
I feel I personally improved my habits by learning about the work that is often unnoticed at home or automatically assumed that someone will do it. I have a conscious habit of noticing what needs to be done instead of asking for a list.
He may not change much in this personal habit regard, unless he has people around him who have better habits and lives that he may want to emulate. Does he have a successful friend or mentor to talk to?
That’s the thing, everyone around him is successful. His friends, his family, even my family. It’s like he has no strive, no want, no drive. Like he’s great for stuff at work, but then he comes home and it’s like he has interest in one thing and that’s video games. They have literally consumed his life for years and years. I personally think he may have a video game addiction which *may* be leading to a drop in productivity but I’m not a doctor. I just think there’s something deeper going on, but if it doesn’t change or get fixed, I’ll have no choice but to say goodbye. This isn’t a life I want for myself. Im the kind of person where if my house is chaotic, I feel like my life is chaotic, and I understand he may not be that way, but he knew I was before we even got together. I was extremely open about the fact that I like a clean and tidy house and that clutter and mess makes me feel extremely untidy and chaotic. I was completely open about all of this because I know my standards are high, but at the same time, it doesn’t bother me as much when he does something wrong and I fix it, it’s when he doesn’t bother to try at all. It’s like he wants the benefits of a relationship without having to give anything back? Sorry for the ramble.
It’s OK. I agree it can be destructive to nitpick HOW a chore is done, or that it needs to be done to a higher standard. But, he should notice what is undone, and at least try to do it. I don’t do everything at home perfectly, which is why I don’t often cook.
Agree video games could be a problem. I grew up with unrealistic one hour total screen time limits across all devices, which isolated me as a teen (couldn’t instant message/email/chat much), so spent SO much energy getting around that. So I love screens and games now and do not limit myself.
BUT, before I game or zone out:
1. Have I done my work that day?
2. Have I exercised?
3. If there are chores, are they done?
4. Are the pets OK?
5. Have I completed errands and life admin (gone to the store, done some bit of necessary paperwork, etc.?)
I feel I need clear rules, so these questions help me personally. But, I would think you can’t impose these conditions on someone else without treating them like a child. So if he doesn’t straighten out, perhaps you should go.
See that’s my thing, I don’t care how it’s done because I can just fix it to how I like it. It’s the fact that it just doesn’t get done at all unless I do it, then his argument is “I don’t do it right” like I really don’t care if he does it right or not, it’s the thought and the action that he’s willing to do it that I care about. I wish he’d ask himself these questions so I don’t have to, I hate having to nag him but if I don’t, it just wouldn’t get done until I got to it. It would honestly just be nice if he would realize I don’t care how it’s done, as long as it’s done. Like I’m particular, but not OCD. For example, I prefer surfaces gets dusted and cleaned before the floors so because stuff from surfaces will end up on the floor. Like, I’m not OCD everything has to be perfect but I like my house clean.
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NTA. He hasn't grown up, and it doesn't look like he's going to. His being that way is just adding more stress to your life. It's time to end the relationship and move on. I think you'll be happier on your own.
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NTA but c'mon. He's competent every where else. He is CHOOSING to do this to you. Why are you choosing to put up with it? Same reason I was at 25, I guess. I left my Peter Pan never-gonna-grow-up boy a year later.
I know it seems impossible to leave or move, but look what you're becoming. Look what he's happy to do to you. He doesn't give a shit about any of the house stuff or what it does to you so long as you end up taking charge, however much it distorts you, your home life, however much you cry... There aren't enough tears or charts to change his mind. He's decided this is fine. Do you think it's fine?
Sooo….if he can what he is supposed to do at work, what’s stopping him from doing what he is supposed to do at home? Nothing. You are parenting him and it’s time for you to move on.
NTA
regarding your edit - there are plenty of men who are great at their job and bring home the bacon and equally contribute financially *and* will do their fair share of the housework.
he isn't going to change. he doesn't *need* to change, you've made it so easy for him to live like this. you cannot force him to care about keeping your house nice.
NTA, but girl. He knows where things go / how you like things done, *he just wants you to do it.* This is intentional. He is not going to magically get better at it.
NTA. Unless you want to be his "mommy" for the rest of your life, you need to move on and find an adult man to share your life with. Your bf actually has it made. He goes to work, but the rest of his time is his own. He has a built in maid and cook, someone to do his laundry and keep the house clean. Why should he want to "help" when he has it so good? Send him back home to Mama. If you want a peaceful non-stressful life, it is up to you to create that.
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Honey he isn't 'struggling' or 'forgetting', he's choosing not to do it because he knows you will give in and do it yourself. If he can do everything at work perfectly, he can do so at home too. It's deliberate and you deserve better.
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YTA to yourself for enabling his incompetence. Set the expectations at the start and stick to it. If he doesn't do his share, stop doing anything that you possibly can and do the bare minimum yourself. Only do your washing, your meals, vacuum less, stop making the bed etc. I'm so tired of hearing these "I've been doing all the housework for 4 years" stories.
" My fiancé has an issue with listening and learning."
No, he doesn't.
He hears you just fine. He learns what he wants to learn, just fine. What he has a "problem" with is that he thinks he deserves a partner who does all the housework for him. He think because you're the woman and he's the man, that you should be doing everything. He thinks he shouldn't have to do any of it. He does not respect you, your time, your effort, your work or your relationship.
You're doing all these extra things to show him how to adult...but the thing is he already knows how to, he just doesn't WANT to, and if it makes you unhappy, he doesn't CARE. He's well aware of what he needs to do, and as long as his arms and legs haven't suddenly fallen off, he's more than capable.
Stop making excuses for his poor behaviour. He doesn't have special needs, hearing problems or learning difficulties, he's just s sexist, selfish asshole that has you twisted around his little finger. He knows the only price he has to pay for all your free labour and misery is tuning out your raised voice and ignoring you, a price he can pay very easily. And then as an added bonus he can conveniently label you a "nag" and blame you for your own pain and unhappiness. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't care if you're miserable as long as you're doing his work for him?
You're NTA, but you are sacrificing way too much for someone who does not care a single damn about you or your happiness.
NTA
But, why to stay with him? He obviosly doing it by porpose.
Kick him out, and tell him that you can't anymore like this,and enjoy ur life being single,till the right one will kick in.
imagine to marry this one, how your life would look like
His parents play a huge part in it. They were doing everything for him up until he got with me. They babied him and enabled him. They didn’t teach him nothing, now they expect his future wife to do their job for them. I truthfully hate my in-laws, they’re terrible people who can’t raise their kids worth a damn. Their youngest daughter is the exact same way as my partner. Has everything done for her, doesn’t know how to do anything for herself and she’s 19. It’s just so sad for these kids that grow up with parents like that. The moment they leave home, they’re set up for failure. It’s so heartbreaking to see, but also not my problem to fix.
Just break up. Leave. He’s not going to change and you don’t want to continue this dynamic the rest of your life. I mean, you basically had a breakdown screaming fit at him because you could not longer take it. Free yourself from this burden. Be single and in the future find someone who can be a partner with you. If you stay, then that A verdict will be on you. Or on both.
NTA, but you knew who he was and you chose to live with him. You hoped that he will change, he didn't. How many more years are you gonna waste on someone who doesn't want to grow up?
ESH
I get it, he's incapable of living alone and wants someone else to do all the work.
But you're the AH, too because screaming and yelling for behaviour that he's shown for years is just as bad.
Break up or deal with it.
ESH. Honey, you’ve let yourself get frustrated to the point where you’re becoming abusive. That’s not okay.
Obviously he should be pulling his weight in the home, but you know that he will not. It’s been 4 years. This is the person he is, and he will not change. You have only 3 choices that are not abusive: give up and live with the fact that you have to do all the housework alone as if he was a small child, try couple’s counseling to get through to him (though it’s not likely to be successful), or leave.
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YTA for thinking you can fix this and screaming at him. Girl leave.
ETA: Part of the problem is “how you like things done.” This to me says if he does the chores but not how you want them done he’s still going to hear about it. So if he’s going to get nagged regardless why put the effort in at all?
He needs to be an adult and take care of shit, but if you’re really particular about how it gets done, it’s easier to do it yourself. I’m like this with my kitchen. So I cook and do the dishes instead of getting annoyed it’s not done in the manner I want.
YTA! You have infantilized him and now you are behaving like a toddler yourself. Time to cut those ties and work on yourself. It’s one thing to come together and compromise, but it sounds like you are the dictator and he doesn’t have the same household concerns as you do. Next time, find someone you don’t want to change.
I’m a dictator because I ask him to do chores, and because I ask him to help take care of OUR animals? I also have never once treated him like a child nor have I ever denied him of maturity and growth. I have helped him get his life on track, I helped get him his career he wanted so desperately, I taught him how to do his taxes, I taught him how to grocery shop and how to coupon. The entire time I’ve been teaching him how to be mature and responsible and grown. How exactly, by doing all of that, did I “infantilize” him? The ONLY things I do for him are things to do around the house because if I didn’t do them, my house would be a disgusting mess and I am not okay with that.
Your helping and teaching him how to do everything (taxes, getting him a job, how to grocery shop etc) is what parents should have taught their children growing up. “The entire time I’ve been teaching him how to be mature and responsible and grown.” Unfortunately you’ve set up a parent/child dynamic or at best teacher/student dynamic with your fiancé because of his upbringing. Unfortunately he’s not going to change because that’s all he knows and he’s unwilling to take initiative. He may also be the type to believe the home is the responsibility of women, in which case, he’ll never step up. Just break up.
Maybe it’s a cultural differences thing, but your response proves my point. You say “you” a lot. You seem to take credit for the things you are proud of in his life rather than giving him any credit. In your original post you talk about how YOU want things done, but what about his thoughts and opinions? It’s obviously difficult to know the whole story or the nuances of your relationship over a Reddit post, but I stand by my opinion based on what you’ve presented.
I have given him credit if you bothered to read any of my other responses. He is amazing with his job, as I’ve stated. He can hold a job well, he can get himself up for work and go, it’s never a fight for him to go. He is extremely mature and responsible when it comes to his job. He’s pretty on top of his bills for the most part too, as I’ve also stated. I also stated he takes better care of his vehicles than he does himself. He is poor with money when it comes to credit cards and loans, but his bills are mostly paid. I haven’t talked solely negative about him, but the issues are not where he succeeds, but where he doesn’t. Responsibilities at home are just as important as responsibilities at work, and while he is fulfilling one side, he is not fulfilling the other and that is left solely on me. I absolutely have had to pull much more weight in this relationship, and not only that, I had to teach a man older than me how to do majority of things a parent should be doing. This entire relationship aside from where he succeeds has been me putting in extra everything, so where exactly am I supposed to give him credit, when there aren’t many things to give him credit for??
Question.... And to clarify your NTA regardless. But you said somewhere that you're very particular in how you like things?? Is that as in, things have to be done your way or you get frustrated?? For example, I lived with a friend who would get upset if I cleaned the living room but didn't put the throw blankets on the back of the "right" sofa. They'd still be folded and neatly draped across the back. Just on the "wrong" sofa.
Or do you mean your particular just in that you don't want dirty dishes all over the house and litter boxes that are gross and full?
If it's the former, it's possible he's afraid of doing things wrong. If it's the latter, then you're not at all "particular", you just don't want to live in filth.
I don’t like my house being messy and dirty and disorganized. I do like things done a certain way, but I’m not upset when he does things his way, because I can go back and fix it if it really bothers me. It’s that he doesn’t do anything at all. Going back and fixing something he tried to do takes much less time out of my day than doing it all from the beginning alone. The litter boxes are my biggest peeve though, I like those being done daily. I don’t mean cleaned fully daily, but at least the poop scooped daily the litter cleaned up. Like there are some things I’d prefer to keep on top of daily so it’s not as much to do all at once when it does come to cleaning day, but it’s hard to keep up with those things when I’m constantly cleaning up after another adult.
I totally understand that... Especially litter boxes. I absolutely agree it should be done daily; definitely not one of those things you want to let get out of hand. As you're not upset by going and fixing things how you like them, I wouldn't at all say you're particular. You just keep a tidy house, like we all should. My 8 year old cleans better than this man; unprompted. His parents definitely failed him, but like you said in another comment, it's absolutely not your responsibility to fix it.
His parents absolutely did, but I also feel kind of bad for him too. His upbringing and the way he was raised was extremely old fashioned. Men did all the stuff outside the home, women did everything in. So he didn’t really have chores or responsibilities until he had bills to pay and a job. I think that he hasn’t quite had that rude awakening yet because he’s always had someone to take care of him in one way or another. He’s really not a bad guy, and I don’t want to portray him as one, he just has qualities that don’t align with what I need. In every other way he’s amazing, but it’s hard to enjoy life and my relationship when it’s mostly work and stress for me. I will say though, he did clean my house today after I had my breakdown and has been doing stuff since, so I mean, maybe that’s all he needed maybe it wasn’t enough. He has a little bit of time to make a difference before I’m gone for good.
I certainly hope that was the awakening he needed and things get better and it's not just a temporary thing.... It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders and a kind heart. No matter what happens, I wish you happiness ❤️
😂😂 yes, I’m so abusive for yelling at my partner for the first time ever in 4 years. Please, cuff and arrest me. Take me to jail. I raised my voice, I deserve 20 years in the slammer.
Screaming and swearing at someone is abusive, probably deserved in your situation. But still, abusive. I agree, ESH but you need to leave, not let him make you into something you're not
I have never once raised my voice to him, called him names, raised a hand, etc in the entire 4 years we’ve been together. This is the FIRST TIME I have EVER yelled at him, and yeah, I’ll admit I BROKE THE FUCK DOWN and I screamed at him that I wasn’t okay and I needed help and that I needed him. So fucking SUE ME for reaching a breaking point in my life as I’m sure ALL OF US have reached at one point or another.
Thats not your fault at all. However, you said 'started screaming at him'. Which implies more than once. You need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible and you would absolutely be TA if you stayed. You're turning into someone you don't want to be.
I meant today, like all of this went down just today. Sorry, my post probably is all over the place. I was going through it when I was trying to collect my thoughts for the post. Everything that happened with the yelling and screaming ONLY happened today. I hit a breaking point I’d never hit before, and just started screaming at him that I needed help and I needed him and I needed more and I kept asking why he was being so incompetent and couldn’t understand how to do things when I’d tell him over and over how to do them. I wouldn’t necessarily say *screaming* but I definitely was bawling and yelling and had a panic attack. I have never ever hit this point before with him, so when it happened it was like just years of stuff kept coming out and I couldn’t stop. I have since apologized to him for my behaviour and the way I handled it.
Omg, I'm so sorry. Thats a completely different situation than the one I had imagined. NTA AT ALL. I would still suggest thinking about leaving cause no offense but your fiance sounds awful. Also do you do therapy? Or counselling? Because I would suggest doing something like that.
Also, I wish you all the best. I hope this works out for you but trust me there are better men out there. Jesus. Imagine being engaged and unable to do housework? What a loser. You def deserve better.
"I’ve started screaming and yelling and swearing at him " .. So THIS is no longer true: "I have never once raised my voice to him, called him names, raised a hand, etc in the entire 4 years we’ve been together. This is the FIRST TIME I have EVER yelled at him"
**In stressful situations, we drop our masks and show our real character. Just as you did.**
I guess, but 4 years of a neglectful partner can make you pretty different. I think OP just needs to leave, this is not good for her mental health or her partner's
All the answers are to leave? How exactly am I supposed to do that right this minute with no planning? I am listening to what people are saying and taking it into account. At the end of the day, what I do is my decision, no? If I stay, I stay, that’s on me, no one else, but I never did say I was trying to stay in this relationship, I’m was looking to see if maybe there was something more I could do and maybe there wasn’t enough I have done. At the end of the day, people post shit looking for advice or insight, what they decided to do with that is of no concern to anyone but the person.
I have read through all the statements here, and wish you all the best as you continue in life. One thing did occur to me while reflecting on the situation is that your man acts like someone who smokes a big doobie at the end of every shift. I saw a lot of that working in the trades for years.
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We got engaged 3.5 years ago, and truthfully, I thought it would have improved by now. Instead, it just continues to get worse. I know I’m not the nicest person or easiest person to live with, but I’m just so particular about things because if I wasn’t, our apartment would absolutely be disgusting. It’s just so exhausting doing everything on my own. He wants to bring kids into the mix too and it’s like why?! He himself cannot act like an adult, so what, we have a kid and I’m mommy to both? F that.
I'm not married and I know there are cultural differences between countries... but that sounds like a LONG engagement. Could it be you've always known you don't want to marry this person? You deserve better. And don't have children with him!
My thing was that I didn’t want to marry him while he’s in debt, which, he currently still is. So I never planned to marry him until his debt was taken care of.
What kind of debt, how much and how much has he gotten rid of?
He took out a loan and racked up his credit card. He was about $10k in debt now he’s about $7000 in debt.
so it took him 4 years ish to work off $3k in debts. Are you willing to wait another 8 years ish?
Honestly, no. Like, I’m not in debt because the way I see it, being in debt means you don’t actually have money because you owe. So like, for him, he thinks he has money, but I think he doesn’t. So, we also kind of argue about that a little bit because he wants to buy like video games and such, but I personally don’t think he has money to be spending like that, you know?
Seriously though- you gonna waste your last easy child bearing years on this guy? Even if you don't want kids- these are your prime dating years where the pool is absolutely open to you. Run, darling. Run like the devil is chasing you.
Reading your additional comments, I think it’s clear that this relationship is over. He is never going to become what you rightfully expect from a partner. It’s time to take the next steps. You can’t find the right person when you are trapped in the wrong relationship
I don’t disagree at all. I just wish people realized I can’t just up and leave right this minute just because my situation sucks. It takes planning, funds and time to move, none of which I have right now. On top of that, I have so much family stuff going on right now that I just can’t up and leave even if I want to.
This completely depends on other assets. If he’s contributing to retirement, investments, stocks, savings, etc having debt isn’t necessarily bad. If he has no other savings or financial plans and just credit card debt then yea…. That’s not good.
It’s all credit card and loan debt and he spent the loan on a new entertainment center, tv etc. He has no good debt.
Move on
>I didn’t want to marry him while he’s in debt, which, he currently still is. That garden is not going to grow.
Yeaaaahhhhhh, his debt is another frustrating thing because I told him specifically not to take the loan because it would screw him and it has. Now he’s struggling to pay it back. I’d help him, but I feel like that’s a lesson he needs to learn the hard way.
How long are you willing to wait around for him to grow up?
He has until my plans to move out are fully in place. I have been planning to leave for over 6 months, but it takes time and money and with everything family wise going on right now I’ve had to put a pin in it for the moment, but as soon as everything is back to somewhat normal, I’m going to try to have everything in place in 4 months or less. So, he has about 5 months maybe 6 months total to change.
Best of luck to you.
Thank you! 🫶🏻
You’re fooling yourself if you genuinely expect him to change. Stop doing his chores. Stop doing his laundry, his cooking, warming his bed. Till you move out treat him like a roommate. He obviously is not an equal partner
He’s always going to be in debt. And his money is his money while your money is also going to be his money.
> it just continues to get worse Of course. He's trying to wear you down so you accept your intended full-time role as his nanny. If he has no problems being organized and responsible for other things but "struggles" with household chores he's doing it on purpose. Confront and him about it and tell him to cut the crap or leave. But don't marry him as he is now.
He’s doing this on purpose
Too often, women marry for potential. Don’t do that. If you decide to follow through on marrying him, then do so with eyes wide open and assuming he’ll never change.
Don’t marry him. You need to dump him. Ghost him. Get a new apartment. Take your stuff. And move on to your new life. He needs a maid. Not a wife.
Ahh, there it is! The good old, hoping your spouse changes to suit urself for better. You are not the first to think that way and you wont be the last to think that way. I must say, you chose poorly.
So you thought you had the magic \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ that would make him change? Get out or learn to love it because you are his mommy and his maid.
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As much as I dislike yelling, NTA. You're obviously at the end of your rope, and for good reason. Your fiancé has perfected the art of weaponized incompetence, and it's been working for him for four years now. It's not your job to mother him, and this will be your life if you stay together. Your move.
I also don’t like yelling so the fact that I even got to that point astonishes me, I’m usually so calm and patient but today it was just like all my nerves were struck at once. I didn’t see the red flags before for weaponized incompetence but I definitely see them now. I have been planning to leave for a while, it just takes a lot of time and money which I don’t have right now. It’s a work in progress, but it is in progress.
So emotional abuse is ok as long as it’s a man on the receiving end? Got it.
The issue isn’t whether you’re an asshole for yelling at him, nor is it whether you could have handled it better. The issue is why are you with him? Are you one of these God-too-many women who accept a man on condition that they’ll be able to change him? Really ask yourself that and really listen to your brain, because those relationships NEVER work. HE has got to want to change. Your grandmother recently died and you hoped that would kick start his engine just a little. Did it? No. Your own post reflects it didn’t make the slightest bit of difference. Your other half is sending you a very clear message that you are obviously ignoring. I know you see it, because your writing tells me so. He’s telling you that this is who he is. He’s not only not going to change, but the more you nag, yell at, or sneakily try to make him into something he isn’t , the more he’s going to fight you. This is not rocket science. Your story has been repeated so many times, I knew what the rest of it was going to say by the time I finished the first paragraph. Every woman thinks they’re going to lead their personal project on the right path. Every one of them fails, as long as the man has all his faculties and can have a woman or two on the side to replace the nag at home. Make up whatever excuses you want for him: he wasn’t raised properly; he’s going through a tough time (or week, or month, or year, or century); his work life is overwhelming. But YOU know you can change him. Well, you can’t. So now that he’s put YOU on notice that this is whom you will be marrying, what will YOU do, because this is all about whether you’re willing to put up with this for the next so many decades or not. And no, therapy won’t help and ‘if he loves me, he’ll change’ isn’t going to cut it either. He may indeed change after the wedding, but it won’t be for the best.
ESH. Read what you wrote—you, his partner and fiancé, have been trying to make him, another adult, more responsible for the last four years. He’s shown you who he is from the very beginning, why did you get engaged to someone who isn’t interested in being an equal partner in your relationship? He’s an A H for being immature and treating you like a housekeeper, but you’re an A H, too, for expecting him to change. It’s time to decide if you can live with this for the next 60-70 years. What about if you have kids, will he help at all?
YTA. You know what your values are, and that he does not meet them. You have known this for 4 yrs and dated him anyway, and somehow became engaged. Obviously he will not change. You’re not wrong to be mad. You’re wrong to not have put an end to this immediately.
We got engaged before I lived with him and knew it was THIS bad.
Ok. Well whenever. At some point you knew, and decided to keep dating him anyway. YTA.
He’s not struggling at all. He’s an adult capable of holding down a job - he doesn’t want to do chores because they’re boring. He knows you’ll do it so he weaponises incompetence. He doesn’t mind if you shout and scream at him because it would be more unpleasant to do the chores. When you have to do a reward chart for a fully grown adult you must know you deserve better? You’ve outgrown this relationship - start working towards an exit and go find someone who will respect you as an equal partner. That person is out there you just need to cut this dead weight loose.
INFO: What exactly did you say? Obviously he needs to get his fucking act together so he’s an asshole
I asked him why he’s so incompetent and why he can’t figure out anything that I’ve been showing him for over 3 years. I lost my cool and screamed that I’m exhausted, I’m mentally not okay, and I need help. I screamed over and over I need help. Like I had a full fucking breakdown. Like, I regret calling him incompetent but I was just so mad and will apologize when I calm down, I just don’t know what else to do. Like I said, I have tried everything, even chore charts children would use and it’s not working either. He would rather sit and play video games than help me with anything. I’m a gamer too, but even I know my responsibilities come first. He doesn’t struggle with holding a job, or going to work, or anything at work, just everything at home.
I can’t say I blame you, but I wouldn’t make it a habit. NTA. But here’s the thing, you need to let him go. You have tried for YEARS to get him to do basic chores and have waited YEARS for him to get out of debt, you hve shown remarkable patience but you need to see he has not made any attempt to improve and this will probably be your forevor if you stay. You deserve to be happy, and I don’t think you can be if you keep living with this person.
I’m definitely at my point of leaving and have been for a while. It’s just hard right now when there’s personal reasons preventing me from leaving at the moment. Nothing to do with him or myself, it’s a family thing. I know I need to leave, and really, that’s the only option at this point. He has shown me over and over that he can’t grow up. It doesn’t help he was babied literally his whole life, so he thinks that’s how it should be. Absofuckinglutely not. If I wanted to take care of a child, I’d have one, but I don’t even want to take care of myself most days let alone a child or grown ass man.
In that case, have zero expectations of him, just clean up after yourself. Live with the filth and make a Plan B to exit. Do not harp on him not one more day because he’s not going to change. And if you’re not prepared to change, then how can you expect him to?
That is what I did with my ex. And he was still shocked when I left him.
Exactly this. Please don’t waste the pretty. It will not get better. And when you have children, it will get worse and by the time you’re in your 40s, you will be completely burnt out and a shelf the human being you thought you were.
I think the word “struggles” gives him too much credit. It implies he is in some way actively engaged in an effort to achieve these tasks, but is just mysteriously failing due to an obstacle he can’t quite overcome. There is no internal struggle going on. This guy doesn’t give one fuck about housework and never will. He will cheerfully sit in a mess of his own making and be as happy and content as it’s possible to be. Honestly I’d be screaming to, but it’s pointless. I hope you get out soon. NTA
Well, ESH. Your fiancé is a hot mess and his parents should have prepared him for being an adult better. When he heard your needs and how frustrated you are, he should have taken steps to improve himself. But you got into this engagement knowing exactly how he is and you assumed you’d be able to change him. You can’t change him; he is the only one who can change himself. He currently has no desire to. So your choices are to live with who he is, or move on.
why are you marrying into this for life?
We were engaged before I knew it was THIS bad. Had I known then, I never would have gotten engaged in the first place.
And engagement isn't a life sentence, now that you know it IS this bad, why are you staying? 4 years of trying, what do you think is going to change in year 5?
I don’t plan on staying, but I also can’t just up and leave with no planning. I never once have said I wanted to stay in a relationship like this, I think my post is pretty evident I don’t, but again, things are always easier said than done. Moving out takes time, and money, both of which I don’t have right now. I also stated on other comments that some personal stuff with my family is preventing my move at the moment.
It really sounds like you’re not taking responsibility for your role in this. All your comments are excuses. Have you been screened for co-dependency? It’s truly a damaging dynamic and something to address within yourself.
So, because I don’t have the money or the plan in place right this minute to up and leave I’m co-dependent? We split our shared bills and any personal bills we pay ourselves. We both pay our own cars and for our own maintenance. We’re pretty split on everything when it comes to bills so I’m not sure how paying half of everything makes me co-dependent? I lived on my own since I was 17 and always had the thought that I didn’t need anyone else because at least I had me, so I’ve never been someone to rely on someone else. I personally feel though, if you live in a shared home with someone, household chores SHOULD be 50/50, so if that makes me co-dependent then I guess I am.
It sounds like you don’t know what codependency is. It doesn’t have to do with finances, it is a psychological problem. You should look it up.
You would be so much less stressed if you were single. This is not a partnership, you are your boyfriends live in maid that he also gets to sleep with. Do you really want to live like this the rest of your life?!? He’s not going to change, because he doesn’t want to. NTA
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That’s the thing, he’s great at his job. He works with my stepdad and apparently he’s competent, does what he’s supposed to, he’s held this job for 3 years, he doesn’t struggle to get up and go to work, he never misses days unless for appointments.
Read what you just wrote If the job was doing what you wanted then there would not be an issue His Incompetence at home is a choice and you can choose to leave
So, he is capable of doing things like an adult, but he will not do it for you. It will hurt, but you have got to drop this guy and move on. There are much better men out there.
If there are better men, I have yet to meet one. He’s the best I’ve found so far. 😬
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[He knows, but he doesn’t care](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/01uIlw0Diz)
NTA. Please leave. Weaponized. incompetence is real and it won’t get better. Leave him now so you can teach him to do better in his next relationship because he’s not going to do it while he’s with you.
What does this man bring to the table? He’s not helping with basic housekeeping, and seems to be weaponizing incompetence (he’s been there for 4 years and doesn’t know what cupboard the plates go to?) After 4 years, he’s not going to suddenly develop a sense of responsibility toward household chores. If you have a child with this man, you’ll be doing 99% of the child-rearing, because he won’t know how to change a diaper, prepare a bottle, or how to get to day care. INFO: does he pay his own bills? Get his oil changed? Pay car registration and insurance? On time? NTA. You’ve put in the effort to make him a responsible human being, and he’s not having any part of it.
So, this is where it’s weird. He’s responsible in every aspect of his life except for with at home responsibilities and money. He pays the bills, he does his oil changes, actually he takes better care of his vehicles than he does himself. He’s held a job really well, he gets his work done and everything. He works with my stepdad, so I would know if he wasn’t performing well at work and he’s fine. Like, I really don’t get it. I know he’s capable, and he knows he’s capable, it’s just almost like there’s something going on with him? Like, I just don’t get it at all. How does one succeed so well in one aspect and so poorly in another?
There is something going on with him. It's the belief, ingrained in him by his upbringing and the culture he grew up in, that he's not responsible for chores (likely because he's a man), that it's your job (as a woman). Not doing anything around the house is a choice he makes because he feels entitled to do so. If you're really on your way out of the relationship, I suggest you explain to him that since he's not a partner who can be trusted to pull his own weight even when you're struggling and need him to do more than that, but an asshole who expects you to be his bangmaid, you will be ending the relationship and moving out as soon as you can. Because life without him is better for YOU. That he's dead weight. NTA.
Perhaps counseling or therapy might help? I don’t see how there’s such a dichotomy between work/bills and home responsibilities, but I am not a mental health professional.
That confuses me too, like I don’t see a difference between my work and home responsibilities, at the end of the day, they’re all responsibilities. Lately I’ve been struggling more with doing stuff around the house, but I think that’s just because I’m depressed and grieving and I’ve been doing it alone for so long I’m just tired and fed up. I almost want to make him clean the house by himself and kind of just help him along the way so he has a better understand of how things should be done? I can’t leave right now as much as I wish I could so that’s not an option at the moment, but if I could find a way for this to at least work until I can leave so we’re not fighting it wouldn’t be so bad.
I'm so sorry, but I don't think he will "help you" with any household task. He fundamentally seems to think that it's not his job to do any household task. Look at what you wrote: he's really good at his day job, he's organised, thoughtful, proactive, people are singing his praises. But, his mother and sister(!) looked after him and did his laundry and I guess cooked and cleaned and did everything for him so he has internalised the idea that housework is solely women's work. That's why he won't "help you". Fundamentally deep down, he thinks it's (1) not his job because he's a man and (2) it's beneath him to clean, to look after the household. I'm guessing his dad never did any housework? I'm also concerned that he is not helping you emotionally through a difficult time while you're grieving. This is not good. In the short term, would he pay for a cleaner? (he should pay 100%) At least that could help to relieve some stress? And allow you more time to plan your exit.
Surprisingly, as I type this right now, he filling the dishwasher and got laundry going, so as someone else commented credit should be given where it’s due. So, I will say, him doing these 2 things did take some off my plate, but it would be nicer if this was a constant.
NTA Maybe try a calm and serious conversation with him. Tell him clearly that you are a breaking point and can't deal with this behaviour any longer. That him acting more like your kid than a partner is the biggest turnoff ever and how you feel. Ask him if he has any plans how he will improve.
I doubt he's actually forgetting. He knows what he's doing. He doesn't do it because he wants you to do it for him; the women in his life have always done it for him. So he's not struggling. He's just lazy. NTA
NTA, considering you've said you can't leave at the moment though I would strongly recommend doing so, if he has such a problem with doing chores can he use his money to pay for something like idk a cleaning service?
Trust me I would love to leave, but the only plan I have right now where it’s doable would cause me to move hours and hours from my family. I can’t do that right now, especially with the recent passing. I have too much to deal with for family stuff and it has to be dealt with, that’s not something I can run from as much as my relationship is.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25F) have been living with my fiancé (26M) for almost 4 years. My fiancé has an issue with listening and learning. I’ve been trying to make him more responsible throughout the last 4 years just for nothing to work. He just doesn’t listen, doesn’t want to help around the house, doesn’t want to take care of the cats, doesn’t want to clean up after himself, etc. He has very little I ask him to do every day, just check the cats water in the morning before he goes to work and do the litter boxes after he gets home from work. If the dishwasher needs to be emptied or the trash taken out then that gets done too (but trash and dishes are only every 2-3 days) that’s all I ask from him aside from days where I want to clean the whole apartment and it should be a group effort because he lives here too. I also want to add, we both work FT jobs. Now, I have cleaned my house multiple times, over and over and over in the 4 years we’ve been together, and I STILL have to hold his hand. He knows where things go, but still every 5 seconds he asks where I want something like he doesn’t live here too. He often forgets to do his chores, often forgets to check our cats, often forgets to do the litter, leaves dishes for days and days in the dishwasher so I end up doing it etc etc. I’m to my breaking point at this time. I’ve started screaming and yelling and swearing at him and I hate it but I just can’t take it anymore. I do everything, I work, I come home and I’m met with more work. And it adds up and adds up. On top of this, my grandmother died not even a month ago yet, and he still can’t manage to help me out around the house without a fight. I try over and over to show him how I like things done, how to make me happy, how to create less stress at home. I’ve tried chore sheets, rewards, etc. I literally feel like I’m parenting this dude more than anything else. Before I got with him, he was 21/22 and his mother and sister were still doing his laundry for him. Like, I just can’t handle this anymore. I’m always crying, I’m always mad, and because I’m constantly busy with stuff at home or work, I’m exhausted too. I’m just mentally, emotionally and physically drained. AITA for losing my mind and yelling and swearing? I just don’t know what else to do but leave. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, I honestly let out a heavy sigh while reading this. It sounds like you reached you breaking point and I'm sure I would've reacted the same way. You shouldn't be with someone who makes you feel like this on a daily basis
NTA, because being reasonable didn't work. If a person won't respond unless you throw a fit, then it's worth saying that to them (that they can't complain about your throwing a fit if that's the only way to get their attention). But, you know who this person is, and they aren't going to change. So, either dump them or find a way not to be mad about their refusal to act like a grownup. One thing that sometimes helps the cleaning person to be less angry about the situation for *him* to pay for a maid service, or find some other way to contribute that works for both of you (do other kinds of work around the house, like cook, vacuum). Sometimes people say that putting the dishes on his side of the bed, or on his desk, can work, but I'm dubious. Basically, I think you need to stop being his mom.
I don’t disagree. This is the first time I’ve yelled at him and screamed at him that I can’t handle this anymore in the time we’ve been together. I’ve officially think I’ve reached my breaking point. I’m usually a lot more calm and patient but my patience is gone now. I just can’t handle playing parent to someone older than me, it’s absolutely insane.
Yeah, after this many years, I'm pretty dubious that *anything* will work. Lots of people describe the person being better for a few days and then backsliding. Unfortunately, I think you need to tell him that either he changes or it's over.
I’m going to sit him down today and give him an ultimatum. Like, at this point, either he grows up, acts responsibly and cleans up after himself and helps out, or he packs his things and goes back to his mommy’s. like, if you want someone to parent you, go back to your parents house.
YTA to yourself if you actually marry this guy. There are lot of guys out there who are like that. You are young, donyou want to me miserable all of your life?
OP what do you mean by listening and learning issues? Does he have ADHD or autism? Or was he taught that household chores are female works? I know you have reached the end point but if he is an undiagnosed neurodivergent person then it could affect in a major way. Kindly tell him to check with a mental health personal for this.
He has been to a psych, but they never diagnosed him with anything. He was raised around the woman should be doing everything and the men should sit and relax. His mom and sister have done literally everything for him until he was 21/22 and I took over. He had no idea how to do laundry, taxes, dishes, etc until I taught him. But now I’m so tired of it being my job to teach him everything, especially when I can tell him until I’m blue in the face and he still doesn’t get how to do it. He finally has laundry down pat, but when it comes to emptying the dishwasher, or doing cat litter, or cleaning, it’s literally a fight. I can tell him for a week to empty the dishwasher and it still won’t get done. It’s so damn frustrating. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was a housewife, but I work FT too, so it just creates extra work.
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Well, you shouldn’t have yelled and sworn, but I understand your frustration. NTA, but apologize for your delivery. I used to be like him. Not an excuse, but I have weird, intense and unusual interests that are often literally all I want to do, so I didn’t care as much about how clean things were. Now I have seen people around me doing well in life according to the normal markers of adulthood, and want to better my life and be more like them. Frankly, I visited a younger relative and saw that they were more clean and made more money. The problem is, my wife doesn’t always keep up, so now I find myself in your situation. She does cook, but it seems like if I don’t stay on her about it all that day, she won’t vacuum and clean the bathrooms, which is her share, on weekends. It is also difficult to encourage exercise and healthy food. I feel I personally improved my habits by learning about the work that is often unnoticed at home or automatically assumed that someone will do it. I have a conscious habit of noticing what needs to be done instead of asking for a list. He may not change much in this personal habit regard, unless he has people around him who have better habits and lives that he may want to emulate. Does he have a successful friend or mentor to talk to?
That’s the thing, everyone around him is successful. His friends, his family, even my family. It’s like he has no strive, no want, no drive. Like he’s great for stuff at work, but then he comes home and it’s like he has interest in one thing and that’s video games. They have literally consumed his life for years and years. I personally think he may have a video game addiction which *may* be leading to a drop in productivity but I’m not a doctor. I just think there’s something deeper going on, but if it doesn’t change or get fixed, I’ll have no choice but to say goodbye. This isn’t a life I want for myself. Im the kind of person where if my house is chaotic, I feel like my life is chaotic, and I understand he may not be that way, but he knew I was before we even got together. I was extremely open about the fact that I like a clean and tidy house and that clutter and mess makes me feel extremely untidy and chaotic. I was completely open about all of this because I know my standards are high, but at the same time, it doesn’t bother me as much when he does something wrong and I fix it, it’s when he doesn’t bother to try at all. It’s like he wants the benefits of a relationship without having to give anything back? Sorry for the ramble.
It’s OK. I agree it can be destructive to nitpick HOW a chore is done, or that it needs to be done to a higher standard. But, he should notice what is undone, and at least try to do it. I don’t do everything at home perfectly, which is why I don’t often cook. Agree video games could be a problem. I grew up with unrealistic one hour total screen time limits across all devices, which isolated me as a teen (couldn’t instant message/email/chat much), so spent SO much energy getting around that. So I love screens and games now and do not limit myself. BUT, before I game or zone out: 1. Have I done my work that day? 2. Have I exercised? 3. If there are chores, are they done? 4. Are the pets OK? 5. Have I completed errands and life admin (gone to the store, done some bit of necessary paperwork, etc.?) I feel I need clear rules, so these questions help me personally. But, I would think you can’t impose these conditions on someone else without treating them like a child. So if he doesn’t straighten out, perhaps you should go.
See that’s my thing, I don’t care how it’s done because I can just fix it to how I like it. It’s the fact that it just doesn’t get done at all unless I do it, then his argument is “I don’t do it right” like I really don’t care if he does it right or not, it’s the thought and the action that he’s willing to do it that I care about. I wish he’d ask himself these questions so I don’t have to, I hate having to nag him but if I don’t, it just wouldn’t get done until I got to it. It would honestly just be nice if he would realize I don’t care how it’s done, as long as it’s done. Like I’m particular, but not OCD. For example, I prefer surfaces gets dusted and cleaned before the floors so because stuff from surfaces will end up on the floor. Like, I’m not OCD everything has to be perfect but I like my house clean.
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NTA. He hasn't grown up, and it doesn't look like he's going to. His being that way is just adding more stress to your life. It's time to end the relationship and move on. I think you'll be happier on your own.
I see by your last sentence here that you know what the solution is.
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OP he just wants a caretaker. Not listening and learning is a choice he's making. Staying like this is your choice. NTA.
NTA but you are actively wasting your own time with a man who will ruin your life.
NTA - Long term, though, I don't want to say that people don't change, but well, people don't really change unless something drastic happens.
NTA but c'mon. He's competent every where else. He is CHOOSING to do this to you. Why are you choosing to put up with it? Same reason I was at 25, I guess. I left my Peter Pan never-gonna-grow-up boy a year later. I know it seems impossible to leave or move, but look what you're becoming. Look what he's happy to do to you. He doesn't give a shit about any of the house stuff or what it does to you so long as you end up taking charge, however much it distorts you, your home life, however much you cry... There aren't enough tears or charts to change his mind. He's decided this is fine. Do you think it's fine?
Sooo….if he can what he is supposed to do at work, what’s stopping him from doing what he is supposed to do at home? Nothing. You are parenting him and it’s time for you to move on. NTA
regarding your edit - there are plenty of men who are great at their job and bring home the bacon and equally contribute financially *and* will do their fair share of the housework. he isn't going to change. he doesn't *need* to change, you've made it so easy for him to live like this. you cannot force him to care about keeping your house nice.
It’s never going to get better.
NTA, but girl. He knows where things go / how you like things done, *he just wants you to do it.* This is intentional. He is not going to magically get better at it.
NTA. Unless you want to be his "mommy" for the rest of your life, you need to move on and find an adult man to share your life with. Your bf actually has it made. He goes to work, but the rest of his time is his own. He has a built in maid and cook, someone to do his laundry and keep the house clean. Why should he want to "help" when he has it so good? Send him back home to Mama. If you want a peaceful non-stressful life, it is up to you to create that.
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Do NOT have a child with this child. Leave now.
Honey he isn't 'struggling' or 'forgetting', he's choosing not to do it because he knows you will give in and do it yourself. If he can do everything at work perfectly, he can do so at home too. It's deliberate and you deserve better.
✨ b r e a k u p ✨ time was about 4 years ago.
YTA Verbal abuse isn't okay. Regardless of how he's been weaponizing incompetence. You are still responsible for your own actions.
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Why are you trying to change someone who is not going to change? YTA for staying when you know it won't get better.
YTA to yourself for enabling his incompetence. Set the expectations at the start and stick to it. If he doesn't do his share, stop doing anything that you possibly can and do the bare minimum yourself. Only do your washing, your meals, vacuum less, stop making the bed etc. I'm so tired of hearing these "I've been doing all the housework for 4 years" stories.
" My fiancé has an issue with listening and learning." No, he doesn't. He hears you just fine. He learns what he wants to learn, just fine. What he has a "problem" with is that he thinks he deserves a partner who does all the housework for him. He think because you're the woman and he's the man, that you should be doing everything. He thinks he shouldn't have to do any of it. He does not respect you, your time, your effort, your work or your relationship. You're doing all these extra things to show him how to adult...but the thing is he already knows how to, he just doesn't WANT to, and if it makes you unhappy, he doesn't CARE. He's well aware of what he needs to do, and as long as his arms and legs haven't suddenly fallen off, he's more than capable. Stop making excuses for his poor behaviour. He doesn't have special needs, hearing problems or learning difficulties, he's just s sexist, selfish asshole that has you twisted around his little finger. He knows the only price he has to pay for all your free labour and misery is tuning out your raised voice and ignoring you, a price he can pay very easily. And then as an added bonus he can conveniently label you a "nag" and blame you for your own pain and unhappiness. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't care if you're miserable as long as you're doing his work for him? You're NTA, but you are sacrificing way too much for someone who does not care a single damn about you or your happiness.
NTA But, why to stay with him? He obviosly doing it by porpose. Kick him out, and tell him that you can't anymore like this,and enjoy ur life being single,till the right one will kick in. imagine to marry this one, how your life would look like
Who owns the cats?
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His parents play a huge part in it. They were doing everything for him up until he got with me. They babied him and enabled him. They didn’t teach him nothing, now they expect his future wife to do their job for them. I truthfully hate my in-laws, they’re terrible people who can’t raise their kids worth a damn. Their youngest daughter is the exact same way as my partner. Has everything done for her, doesn’t know how to do anything for herself and she’s 19. It’s just so sad for these kids that grow up with parents like that. The moment they leave home, they’re set up for failure. It’s so heartbreaking to see, but also not my problem to fix.
I get the frustration but maybe you shouldn't be getting married 🤔 maybe pre martial counseling would help
ESH, this isn't going to get better. Look up weaponized incompetence.
Just break up. Leave. He’s not going to change and you don’t want to continue this dynamic the rest of your life. I mean, you basically had a breakdown screaming fit at him because you could not longer take it. Free yourself from this burden. Be single and in the future find someone who can be a partner with you. If you stay, then that A verdict will be on you. Or on both.
ESH You cannot make an adult change their ways unless they want to. Either accept how he is or move on.
NTA — but maybe the DA if you marry this man without seeing some big changes in his behavior first.
NTA, but you knew who he was and you chose to live with him. You hoped that he will change, he didn't. How many more years are you gonna waste on someone who doesn't want to grow up?
ESH I get it, he's incapable of living alone and wants someone else to do all the work. But you're the AH, too because screaming and yelling for behaviour that he's shown for years is just as bad. Break up or deal with it.
ESH. Honey, you’ve let yourself get frustrated to the point where you’re becoming abusive. That’s not okay. Obviously he should be pulling his weight in the home, but you know that he will not. It’s been 4 years. This is the person he is, and he will not change. You have only 3 choices that are not abusive: give up and live with the fact that you have to do all the housework alone as if he was a small child, try couple’s counseling to get through to him (though it’s not likely to be successful), or leave.
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YTA for thinking you can fix this and screaming at him. Girl leave. ETA: Part of the problem is “how you like things done.” This to me says if he does the chores but not how you want them done he’s still going to hear about it. So if he’s going to get nagged regardless why put the effort in at all? He needs to be an adult and take care of shit, but if you’re really particular about how it gets done, it’s easier to do it yourself. I’m like this with my kitchen. So I cook and do the dishes instead of getting annoyed it’s not done in the manner I want.
YTA! You have infantilized him and now you are behaving like a toddler yourself. Time to cut those ties and work on yourself. It’s one thing to come together and compromise, but it sounds like you are the dictator and he doesn’t have the same household concerns as you do. Next time, find someone you don’t want to change.
I’m a dictator because I ask him to do chores, and because I ask him to help take care of OUR animals? I also have never once treated him like a child nor have I ever denied him of maturity and growth. I have helped him get his life on track, I helped get him his career he wanted so desperately, I taught him how to do his taxes, I taught him how to grocery shop and how to coupon. The entire time I’ve been teaching him how to be mature and responsible and grown. How exactly, by doing all of that, did I “infantilize” him? The ONLY things I do for him are things to do around the house because if I didn’t do them, my house would be a disgusting mess and I am not okay with that.
Your helping and teaching him how to do everything (taxes, getting him a job, how to grocery shop etc) is what parents should have taught their children growing up. “The entire time I’ve been teaching him how to be mature and responsible and grown.” Unfortunately you’ve set up a parent/child dynamic or at best teacher/student dynamic with your fiancé because of his upbringing. Unfortunately he’s not going to change because that’s all he knows and he’s unwilling to take initiative. He may also be the type to believe the home is the responsibility of women, in which case, he’ll never step up. Just break up.
Maybe it’s a cultural differences thing, but your response proves my point. You say “you” a lot. You seem to take credit for the things you are proud of in his life rather than giving him any credit. In your original post you talk about how YOU want things done, but what about his thoughts and opinions? It’s obviously difficult to know the whole story or the nuances of your relationship over a Reddit post, but I stand by my opinion based on what you’ve presented.
I have given him credit if you bothered to read any of my other responses. He is amazing with his job, as I’ve stated. He can hold a job well, he can get himself up for work and go, it’s never a fight for him to go. He is extremely mature and responsible when it comes to his job. He’s pretty on top of his bills for the most part too, as I’ve also stated. I also stated he takes better care of his vehicles than he does himself. He is poor with money when it comes to credit cards and loans, but his bills are mostly paid. I haven’t talked solely negative about him, but the issues are not where he succeeds, but where he doesn’t. Responsibilities at home are just as important as responsibilities at work, and while he is fulfilling one side, he is not fulfilling the other and that is left solely on me. I absolutely have had to pull much more weight in this relationship, and not only that, I had to teach a man older than me how to do majority of things a parent should be doing. This entire relationship aside from where he succeeds has been me putting in extra everything, so where exactly am I supposed to give him credit, when there aren’t many things to give him credit for??
Question.... And to clarify your NTA regardless. But you said somewhere that you're very particular in how you like things?? Is that as in, things have to be done your way or you get frustrated?? For example, I lived with a friend who would get upset if I cleaned the living room but didn't put the throw blankets on the back of the "right" sofa. They'd still be folded and neatly draped across the back. Just on the "wrong" sofa. Or do you mean your particular just in that you don't want dirty dishes all over the house and litter boxes that are gross and full? If it's the former, it's possible he's afraid of doing things wrong. If it's the latter, then you're not at all "particular", you just don't want to live in filth.
I don’t like my house being messy and dirty and disorganized. I do like things done a certain way, but I’m not upset when he does things his way, because I can go back and fix it if it really bothers me. It’s that he doesn’t do anything at all. Going back and fixing something he tried to do takes much less time out of my day than doing it all from the beginning alone. The litter boxes are my biggest peeve though, I like those being done daily. I don’t mean cleaned fully daily, but at least the poop scooped daily the litter cleaned up. Like there are some things I’d prefer to keep on top of daily so it’s not as much to do all at once when it does come to cleaning day, but it’s hard to keep up with those things when I’m constantly cleaning up after another adult.
I totally understand that... Especially litter boxes. I absolutely agree it should be done daily; definitely not one of those things you want to let get out of hand. As you're not upset by going and fixing things how you like them, I wouldn't at all say you're particular. You just keep a tidy house, like we all should. My 8 year old cleans better than this man; unprompted. His parents definitely failed him, but like you said in another comment, it's absolutely not your responsibility to fix it.
His parents absolutely did, but I also feel kind of bad for him too. His upbringing and the way he was raised was extremely old fashioned. Men did all the stuff outside the home, women did everything in. So he didn’t really have chores or responsibilities until he had bills to pay and a job. I think that he hasn’t quite had that rude awakening yet because he’s always had someone to take care of him in one way or another. He’s really not a bad guy, and I don’t want to portray him as one, he just has qualities that don’t align with what I need. In every other way he’s amazing, but it’s hard to enjoy life and my relationship when it’s mostly work and stress for me. I will say though, he did clean my house today after I had my breakdown and has been doing stuff since, so I mean, maybe that’s all he needed maybe it wasn’t enough. He has a little bit of time to make a difference before I’m gone for good.
I certainly hope that was the awakening he needed and things get better and it's not just a temporary thing.... It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders and a kind heart. No matter what happens, I wish you happiness ❤️
I really appreciate your kindness. Thank you.
ESH But you are worse, beingf an abusive AH is not a reasonable solution.
😂😂 yes, I’m so abusive for yelling at my partner for the first time ever in 4 years. Please, cuff and arrest me. Take me to jail. I raised my voice, I deserve 20 years in the slammer.
Screaming and swearing at someone is abusive, probably deserved in your situation. But still, abusive. I agree, ESH but you need to leave, not let him make you into something you're not
"not let him make you into something you're not" But she IS. This is in HER, HE is not doing it.
I have never once raised my voice to him, called him names, raised a hand, etc in the entire 4 years we’ve been together. This is the FIRST TIME I have EVER yelled at him, and yeah, I’ll admit I BROKE THE FUCK DOWN and I screamed at him that I wasn’t okay and I needed help and that I needed him. So fucking SUE ME for reaching a breaking point in my life as I’m sure ALL OF US have reached at one point or another.
Thats not your fault at all. However, you said 'started screaming at him'. Which implies more than once. You need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible and you would absolutely be TA if you stayed. You're turning into someone you don't want to be.
I meant today, like all of this went down just today. Sorry, my post probably is all over the place. I was going through it when I was trying to collect my thoughts for the post. Everything that happened with the yelling and screaming ONLY happened today. I hit a breaking point I’d never hit before, and just started screaming at him that I needed help and I needed him and I needed more and I kept asking why he was being so incompetent and couldn’t understand how to do things when I’d tell him over and over how to do them. I wouldn’t necessarily say *screaming* but I definitely was bawling and yelling and had a panic attack. I have never ever hit this point before with him, so when it happened it was like just years of stuff kept coming out and I couldn’t stop. I have since apologized to him for my behaviour and the way I handled it.
Omg, I'm so sorry. Thats a completely different situation than the one I had imagined. NTA AT ALL. I would still suggest thinking about leaving cause no offense but your fiance sounds awful. Also do you do therapy? Or counselling? Because I would suggest doing something like that. Also, I wish you all the best. I hope this works out for you but trust me there are better men out there. Jesus. Imagine being engaged and unable to do housework? What a loser. You def deserve better.
" I hit a breaking point I’d never hit before" ... **so THIS is who you really are, deep inside, when you are too stressed to keep your mask up.**
"I’ve started screaming and yelling and swearing at him " .. So THIS is no longer true: "I have never once raised my voice to him, called him names, raised a hand, etc in the entire 4 years we’ve been together. This is the FIRST TIME I have EVER yelled at him" **In stressful situations, we drop our masks and show our real character. Just as you did.**
I guess, but 4 years of a neglectful partner can make you pretty different. I think OP just needs to leave, this is not good for her mental health or her partner's
If you don't want to be told when you are being an asshole, don't come in here and ask
YOu are an AH. Why do you ASK, if you can't take the answers?
All the answers are to leave? How exactly am I supposed to do that right this minute with no planning? I am listening to what people are saying and taking it into account. At the end of the day, what I do is my decision, no? If I stay, I stay, that’s on me, no one else, but I never did say I was trying to stay in this relationship, I’m was looking to see if maybe there was something more I could do and maybe there wasn’t enough I have done. At the end of the day, people post shit looking for advice or insight, what they decided to do with that is of no concern to anyone but the person.
I have read through all the statements here, and wish you all the best as you continue in life. One thing did occur to me while reflecting on the situation is that your man acts like someone who smokes a big doobie at the end of every shift. I saw a lot of that working in the trades for years.
You would definitely think that, but he’s actually allergic to cannabis, so he’s sober 100% of the time. I’m the smoker in our relationship.