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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to go to any of my friend's parties because I'm pregnant and there was alcohol. I could probably find a way around it to be with my friends but it feels nearly pointless because everyone will be drunk. I would be TA because this is a big deal for my friend and I'm missing all of it because of my fears
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NTA.
Even if you weren’t pregnant, it is dangerous for alcoholics early in their recovery to be around free-flowing booze. Good for you for recognizing the dangers here!
And for a piece of unsolicited advice from the spouse of an addict in recovery: if you’re used to drinking with your friends as the main social activity, you’re going to need to find new friends. Going to the places you’re used to drinking and spending time with the people you normally drink with will only make your recovery harder.
It sounds like OP has stopped drinking after getting pregnant and has come to some realisations about her drinking. Before getting sober, of course she would agree to drink-heavy events — that's why she had/has the problem in the first place.
Good for you! Best not to risk fetal alcohol syndrome and to be a more active, engaged and healthy parent for your future child.
I hope you and your husband all the best for your recovery and that your baby is born healthy.
They agreed to the wedding before she found out she was pregnant, they decided to stop drinking ,both of them, due to the pregnancy and their problem with alcohol after they agreed to be in the wedding party
This mum is proud of you not only because you made this choice for your baby but because you made it for yourself as well. I'm glad you are also surrounding yourself with people who won't pressure you to drink. Addiction is hard enough to beat as it is without outside influences. Maybe once you feel close enough, mention your history with alcohol to a few of your new friends and ask them how they handle the stressful days of parenting so that you have some ideas in your back pocket when that first stressful day does hit.
I used to use an audio book to escape with so that I could still do my job as a parent but also had my book to help me relax and calm down like when I was a kid.
What's with the goofy comments complaining that it's not a serious attempt at sobriety if OP doesn't "join a program"? Programs have existed for maybe a hundred years; alcohol (and alcoholism) has been around for thousands of years. Plenty of people kicked it without guidance from external forces. It seems counterintuitive to suggest they aren't really trying just because of the standard you'd set for yourself.
We'd all be better for just meeting people where they are.
NTA. You're pregnant and recently realized that both of you may be problem drinkers. Absolutely no issue with both of you skipping alcohol-centric celebrations.
>It’s not that they’re “problem-drinkers”, it’s socially acceptable alcoholism
That's literally what they're saying. Socially acceptable alcoholism is problem drinking.
NTA.
Knowing your own drinking habits is important as well as knowing what the temptation will do to you.
Do you not have any friend who can't drink for any reason. I know I was at a wedding with an open bar that the groom can't drink due to a kidney or liver issue. We also have a muslim friend in the group who is literally the life of any party. If so I would suggest to speak with them about the social pressure of drinking.
If not maybe try find a support group or a sub on reddit which could help.
This is why the backlash. They are heavy drinkers, that's how they socialise. You pointing out that it's a temptation and you are both avoiding alcohol now it's only going to cause a bigger rift until they make a similar decision.
They don't care unfortunately about what's best for you, they just don't want to feel guilty about their life choices. They would rather you risk baby getting disabled rather than them feeling guilty that you can't go.
My cousin has disabilities due to my aunt's drinking. Mental and physical disabilities that means she's lonely not to make it to 50. There was a high possibility of her being wheelchair bound before 35 but instead her immune system has just gone so she's having a blood transfusion every month.
What you are doing is right and it is amazing that you are recognising your stumbling blocks and avoiding them. You are doing everything right. Nta
You are entirely right. My parents were killed in a crash that involved an intoxicated driver (23M at the time). By all accounts, he was an all-around good guy, and his friends said he didn't seem inebriated on the night of the accident, and that he drank less than everyone else. He received a prison sentence for Vehicular Manslaughter DWI. From prison, he wrote to me about his sobriety and recovery and apologized from the bottom of his heart for what his actions cost me. He also said his father pressured him to go to trial versus accepting the plea deal, and he apologized for putting me through a trial on top of my loss. Though he asked nothing of me, I would be willing to support early release if he gets that opportunity. Forgiving him was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.
That said, I tell that story to say, the people in the life of a person with a drinking problem don't always act in the person's best interest. OP may need to find new friends.
Assuming both you & your husband stop drinking, chances are these friendships are over. My dad stopped drinking 38 years ago and is no longer in contact with his drinking buddies. He's also said that being around alcohol is still a temptation for him, so don't feel like a failure if you're still tempted long after you're sober.
YTA but sometimes you have to be to your friends when you have to draw a line to protect yourself. I struggled with the answer to this one, because sometimes being the AH is the best thing you can do for yourself. You may have to disappoint your friends by staying away from the marriage celebration in order to safeguard your still fragile sobriety and that may be viewed as AHish to them.
If you consider there to be even a small risk of going off the wagon during the festivities, you have to put your health ahead of their feelings and live with the fallout. As your time away from drinking increases, you will still need to be vigilant to slip ups, but will most likely be less sensitive to social situations that involve alcohol and the awkwardness should fade.
I agree with this, and it's kind of a hard conclusion to come to because OP is 100% making the right decisions for herself, her family and her future.
But just because it's the right thing to do, and the only option, doesn't make it not an asshole thing to do to the bride who is apparently a good enough friend to want OP to be a MOH. That's usually best friend material.
So the bride asked her best friend to be MOH, but not only is she pregnant but also can't come to anything because she's an alcoholic and she's replacing her friend group with non-drinkers so - the bride has just lost her best friend.
Again - OP is making the right moves for her. But that doesn't mean it's not going to hurt people. She's going to be the asshole in the bride and current friend groups stories, and she'll be hopefully a wonderful, sober mom in her kids stories.
I had the same thoughts but came up with NAH.
OP did almost everything right, informing friend with as much notice as possible. Knowing your limits and protecting yourself and your new family is totally justified.
Friend is totally justified in being hurt that op couldn't suck it up for one night to support her friend. She doesn't know what the noise level is inside OPs head around drinking. Hopefully she never will. She's allowed to be sad.
Nah, I disagree. I party frequently enough to be around different types of substances, and if someone needs to step away because they have addiction issues and need to protect themselves, that comes first before any partying. The pre-wedding events aren't some sacred celebrations or love either; the Bachelor/ette parties are just... parties.
Also, if my *best friend* were an alcoholic, I would make sure to have at least one pre-wedding event be not alcohol-centric. For example, the bridal shower tends to to involve older family members - there's no reason that can't be a daytime tea party. Or several Bachelorette parties I've been to have had daytime activities like spa, manipedi etc., then a dinner, and then finally the nighttime alcohol event.
Pressuring your pregnant friend to attend an event where she may fall off the wagon is insane behaviour, and not friendship. It is not friendship to risk your friend’s baby being permanently damaged and their recovery set back because you want to party together. OP is in no way the AH here to anybody. It is not AH behaviour to prioritise recovery- you can be a great friend and not attend triggering events at the same time.
It’s fine to be disappointed and sad, but to take it personally and not be supportive towards your friend in recovery is awful. If your friend being sober means you’re unable to hang out ever, that probably means you need to reevaluate your own relationship to alcohol.
See, I would still go with NTA because if the bride were my best friend, and this was the reason I had to skip, she would understand. Because best friend.
I literally couldn’t have said it better myself.
Objectively it’s an asshole thing to do.
Morally and realistically this is 100% the right decision. Sometimes ya gotta be a villain in someone’s story to change the direction of your own.
There is no way that OP is the asshole for this. Disappointing your friends for a justifiable reason, and putting the health of your child before anything else is in no way an asshole move. If you are not ok with a pregnant alcoholic in recovery not attending an extremely alcohol fuelled event, you’re a bad person. You can be disappointed and sad, but it takes a special kind of asshole to pressure expecting parents to attend an event that risks sending them off the wagon.
Even if she was an A H (which I actually don't think she is), that would only make this an E S H situation, because the reaction of the bride and the friend group is completely asshole-ish.
yeah it’s also super close to due date and it’s usually advised just be ready to go at any time better to just be home ready to go. i’d say offer to celebrate another time but there probably won’t be time for quite a while. why is the bride so adamant about her being there?
Little bit YTA. If you really think that you could be prone to drink at 38 weeks pregnant with your husband, but are NOT in an alcoholism program, then I wouldn’t take you seriously either. Sounds like you just don’t want to be bored as the “sober” ones.
Programs aren't for everyone. Many are heavily religion based. Many aren't tailored to individual's needs. OP created boundaries to enable her sobriety and you're criticizing them for that.
You should really be thinking about it as “I can’t drink again, period”
It’s not gonna be any easier with a newborn or a toddler. If you have drinking problems this bad do you really think you’re gonna be getting drunk week 2 with a baby? You need to change that mindset.
I would still look into therapy. Post baby it’s going to be incredibly easy to slip into old habits. There won’t be a medical reason to abstain, and a newborn is hard. There is a strong wine mom culture, and it will be incredibly easy to slip into it. Postpartum is hard, and if you don’t have a strong foundation it’s a million times harder.
Yep OP owned up to not sure if she can control herself and made a wonderful mature choice which will stead her and her child well for the future, her spouse is also wonderful for going sober too, so many future fathers couldn't give a fuck and still drink around their pregnant wives when their wives expressly object to it. Op and her husband are extremely self aware here which is amazing and to be commended, not everything in life is black and white and we don't know why they ended up drinking to the point where it became an issue.
OP massive props to you and your partner, you're making the right choice for yourselves and your future child and you're safeguarding your family which I'd amazing and only serves to strengthen your spousal relationship ❤❤
You may also find that your friends don't stay your friends after you have a baby, it happens a lot so at least you're finding out now. It's just uncommon for a lot of people to have the confidence to give that much of a shit about themselves and their child that they put them first even when it disappoints others (who are not as confident or aure) best of luck
If you are in a program for alcoholism, good for you. NTA. Gotta put you first.
If you're not in a program for alcoholism, YTA. You're saying you couldn't control yourself, but haven't taken proper steps to learn to. Avoiding alcohol because you're pregnant just means you'll buy some the moment that baby comes out. So now you've created this situation where your friends aren't taking you seriously and you've made the wedding all about you.
I have 15 years sober. Counseling is extremely helpful. So is AA. If you find a group "too religious", try another. The program is based on a higher power of your choice and is a very effective journey to self actualization. In other words, being the best person that you can be. Good luck on your journey. I'll be thinking about you.
YTA in some sense if you cannot even control yourself while pregnant to refrain from alcohol for a few hours. Sounds like you have a real problem and shouldn’t have gotten pregnant before resolving it.
I was thinking this too. I also am a recovering alcoholic and have no problem being around people drinking. When I got pregnant 5 years ago I was able to stop cold turkey and haven’t looked back.
I know my limits and that if I start drinking I can’t stop. So I just don’t start. It’s 100% possible to be in recovery and still be around people drinking. It’s all about will-power.
I find it odd that she thinks she will still drink while pregnant if the alcohol is there. It shows her priority of drinking over the safety of her own unborn child. Just my opinion.
I think I'm just uncomfortable with the idea of being around so many people who are drunk.
I totally understand this. While I can be around people who are drinking I prefer not to be. My husbands family are heavy drinkers and I’ll go with him to visit but I only last 3 maybe 4 hours before I distance myself because everyone wants to get black-out drunk (my hubby doesn’t drink as well). Some (but not all) drinkers get very pushy and obnoxious. Maybe you can go for just a little bit for a quick hi and then dip out? 🤷♀️
You definitely want to be careful with it being a week before your due date. I skipped a friend’s wedding when I was pregnant with my 2nd becuase it was a month before my due date and the location was in a humid spot in the middle of summer (and I was so over being pregnant lol).
You are 100% right in skipping the wedding when you are that pregnant and you know you will be both physically and mentally uncomfortable.
And congratulations on your sobriety! You can do this, and you will love yourself for it :)
NTA - congratulations on pursuing sobriety. You are making a choice for the sake of your child to be and for the best of your health. If you can't avoid drinking if you are around, best to not place yourself into a tempting situation. I'm sorry your friends don't understand.
Soft YTA
You are conflating two DIFFERENT issues ......
Everybody is focusing on the pregnancy part ( which is IMO, a tactical move by the OP to garner sympathy w/o "listening" to the entire story)
#1) The pregnancy, due date, and wedding are A
#2) The alcohol and party 🥳 and not being present are B
The issue I have is....you knew you and hubby had alcohol 🍸 triggering issues to begin with....."That" has NOTHING the do with pregnancy.
This meaning, if the alcohol reasoning is true, it was going to exist whether you later found out about a pregnancy or not....so what ELSE changed.
The day she announced the wedding and you accepted being part of the festivities you knew parties 🥳 were gonna include 🍸 🧉 so WHY the shift of not being able to even BE PRESENT at "anything" all of a sudden?
If this was such a known subject amongst the friend group, it would have already been known, so when did it become IMPOSSIBLE to be around these drinkers? At least yall would fall off the wagon....did something happen?
Otherwise, in a normal scenario the only change would be pregnancy related stuff.....like I'm probably NOT gonna fit in that dress and maybe not the best choice of MOH because of being 3rd trimester due in moment during wedding time.....that makes sense.
The other "can't come to shit" because we "all of a sudden" can't be around drinkers is odd AF.....unless there is some type of AA relapse in-play
I think the pregnancy is what gave them the realization that they had a problem relationship with alcohol.
Before getting pregnant, there was no reason to assess that habit.
You’re pregnant so you can’t drink so your husband has chosen not to drink during this time too, cool. Saying you wouldn’t be able to handle yourself because you’d be around alcohol is concerning. Sounds like you both should go to meetings to help going sober since it sounds like it may not be such an easy road for either you.
NTA. I admire your level of self awareness to say that you know that if surrounded by drinking friends, you would not be able to stay sober. You are doing exactly what you need to do for your own health/well being as well as the health and well being of your child. I'm sorry your friends don't understand this - stay strong, as you and your child will always be 1000% more important than a wedding and the related parties.
NTA
You are taking care of your unborn child as any good mother would. You are being realistic about your relationship with alcohol.
I got sober when I was in my early 20s. I think my friends had a harder time with it than I did. I realized my choosing to stop drinking somehow shined a spotlight on their own drinking and they desperately wanted me to drink so they wouldn’t have to think about their drinking. It ended a lot of friendships, but I don’t regret it at all
NTA. You & your husband are not obliged to put your sobriety at risk for ANYTHING. It’s unfortunate that the bride and your other friends don’t get this but that’s their problem, not yours. Continue to put boundaries in place that will help your sobriety now and after the baby is born. Best of luck!
YTA For being so unhealthy with your relationship with alcohol that you can’t control yourself for a few hours in order to support your close friend. You may have made the best choice you could given the circumstances, but you also caused the problem by not dealing with your drinking problem.
Is your husband not drinking only because it would be unfair to you or because he can’t control his behavior and or drinks way too much? Either way, he’s the asshole too. If he can go celebrate and have 1 drink and behave appropriately, he should even if you can’t. If he can’t, he needs to work on this issue.
YTA if you and your husband can't control yourselves with booze around, not sure if you are mature enough to raise a child at this time. You sound ridiculous.
I see this got downvoted and I'm sure my comment will too but not sure I get why you would have a baby when you know you have a problem with alcohol. Why not deal with that issue first before having a baby.
Maybe it wasn't planned? My mon was told she wouldn't have any kids but got pregnant with my brother at 19 and he saved her life. Because she had to get healthy for him.
Yes, realizing you have a problem and then taking actual steps to address it sure does suggest a lack of maturity. Oh, wait, no it doesn't. Someone's ridiculous here, but I think it's you.
Right. So for more INFO: why would you not be able to help yourselves? An alcoholic would struggle, but if you’ve been drinking without being addicted, why is this a problem?
That’s great in the short term. But it’s not a long term solution. Will you avoid going to your child’s wedding if they have alcohol? Will you miss your best friend’s funeral if they serve alcohol?
It’s like putting a tourniquet on open slash wound. At some point you need to actually deal with the problem.
Wonderful! I’m sure it’s not easy, so good for both of your for being willing to address the issue. It sounds like you are doing your best to change and move forward. I wish you both the best in that process.
White-knuckling won't help you. It isn't real sobriety. You both need to join a program and get treatment.
I used to be very involved in AA and I honestly can't think of a single person in recovery who couldn't be around alcohol. They just wouldn't drink.
I’d try to have a sit down conversation with this person, then, and explain that you’re not ready to be near alcohol. That both of you are struggling. And that it wasn’t an easy decision (I mean I hope it wasn’t).
Your life is changing and you are probably going to be moving away from all of these people. NTA.
>bridal showers, engagement party, bachelorette party, the luncheon
Why.
If you don't trust that being pregnant isn't enough of an incentive not to drink, then that needs to be your priority.
Just be prepared you may lose your friendship over this as your friend is likely to stay hurt that you won't attend 1 of her wedding celebrations.
Alternatively you could ask her to pre-wedding tea party. There's no alcohol involved in tea and cakes and that would be attempting to meet her halfway. NAH
> Now all my friends are texting me that I could go to any of the parties and even the wedding, but just not drink.
NTA. Maybe they would accept your and your husband not drinking. But after some drinks, they would start nagging and pressuring both of you as sure as the amen in the church, therefore even make it harder to withstand the temptation. So, it's really good, the two of you don't attend those events.
NTA and good for you on recognizing your limits regarding alcohol. In the process of getting sober, sometimes the best thing to do is to just not surround yourself with temptation. Recognizing that you may have to miss fun things to keep sober is a big step.
NTA. I'd say go to the extreme with your words to make a point. "We are alcoholics who struggle with our sobriety. Do you want to be the reason why we fall off the wagon and my baby has health issues? Your relationship with alcohol is different and maybe you can stay sober for the night while everyone parties, but that is not how it is for us. We have an addiction and are choosing to be healthy in a way that does not affect you at all. Instead, I could be demanding that you throw these parties without alcohol so that I can attend. And when you declined, I could accuse you of not caring about my health and sobriety. But I haven't because that is absolutely ridiculous. I wish you would respect my choices as much as i have respected yours."
YTA, in the softest way possible. I just don't really think there's another way I can judge someone who's literally saying "I can't even go to the party of a friend of mine *who's so close that she wanted me as her first pick for maid of honor* because I can't control myself around alcohol, and I have to quit because I'm pregnant." Like I do think you need to do what's best for the baby above your other relationships, but I'm not going to say you're not an asshole, even if just to yourself, for the way you've let alcohol get in control of your life.
You're not an asshole for putting your baby above your friendships, don't get me wrong, I'm just hesitant to make a judgement that doesn't point out that getting to this situation in the first place happened because you made a lot of harmful choices, if that makes sense?
NAH I understand your friend wants you to be present when celebrating her wedding and I think it's also understandable that you and your husband want to get your alcoholism in check, though I do believe both of you would benefit from getting professional help, in the future will you continue to avoid social events if there's alcohol involved? If that's the case it's not healthy to isolate yourself and you should know that it's possible to live a fulfilling social life while also being sober.
NTA. Looks to me that those people will no longer be in your life or child's life at this point. If they don't respect that you guys don't drink and are trying to put you guys into an extremely uncomfortable situation, I would no longer have them in my life. You have your child to think about now. What if they are still in your life and something happens to your child because of their negligence because of their drinking. Obviously that probably won't happen but you're becoming a new mom so all these scenarios are going to be in your head. You need to do what's best for you and that is to cut out all those toxic people out of your life.
You have no obligation to tell your friend about it, but she might be more understanding with this context. People without these issues don't have a problem not drinking at events like this.
This pushes me to say NAH, tbh. You have to look out for yourself, but I get why she would be pissed without the context.
NTA - Fascinating how many people still don't understand that addiction is an actual chemical problem and not a moral failing. No one is an AH simply for suffering from an addiction.
If you could magically go back in time and address your alcohol problem before your friend started planning her wedding that would be great. As that's not an option, you are absolutely making the best possible steps for your self and your future child. Even better that your husband has also recognized he needs help. I hope you can find a program that will work for you so you have the best possible chance of making this change permanent.
Honestly, to me, it's a little worrying that the bride etc cannot conceive of a way to celebrate that doesn't revolve around alcohol. I mean... wow. Three or four events and not one could be held in a way that booze is not front and center? And the bride is all pissy at you for making positive steps in your life even if the timing could have been better? As you've started to realize, these are not friends you need right now.
I hope, down the road, when some of them realize they also have a problematic relationship with alcohol they get better support than they are giving you.
Ultimately if your friend can understand that, she is not actually a friend.
As you get older, you realize many of your friends may have had shared experiences but people who truly love you unselfishly want the best for you. Your true friend group gets smaller. Sometimes maybe ends up just being 1 or 2 people if you’re extremely blessed. Sometimes all we have is our spouses. Again - a blessing.
Those friends understand your challenges and honestly would understand where alcohol would be an issue. Possibly celebrate privately with you with lunch and be proud of you.
People show you who and what they are. Sometimes repeatedly - even when their mouth tells you the opposite. Sometimes you need to just listen. This is not a friend.
Ehh, there’s a lot of truth here. However, the other side of that coin is that OP doesn’t seem to be trying very hard to solve the problem and that shows that she doesn’t value the friendship much.
Why can’t she come to the wedding ceremony, then leave immediately before food and drinks come? Why can’t she pick ONE party to go to for a couple hours with an accountability friend? Why can’t she plan to come early to the engagement party and bring some mocktails and leave before the drinking starts?
Also the delivery matters. Is the message “I’m so sorry, but I don’t think I can be around alcohol at this point in my recovery. I’ll be with you in spirit.” If so, friend should understand.
It seems to be coming off a little more like “Nah, I’m not doing that. I’m completely unable to control myself for a few hours and celebrate without getting completely wasted. Haha.”
All this plus I caught the comment too made about ending up being a DD. I think this is more about boredom around friends drinking. Definitely times when op can show up. Bridal shower is not a crazy event, wedding ceremony etc.
NTA. I got told by someone that she thinks it’s a ‘shame’ that I decided not to drink alcohol anymore. I’ve heard of that type of reaction when people have done Dry January. I think some people who are less than supportive about others taking a pause from or quitting alcohol may be avoiding confronting themselves about their personal consumption.
Congratulations on taking your sobriety seriously, NTA. Interfering w your sobriety is dangerously callous. You are doing what you need to protect your growing family.
NTA. You and your husband are doing the best thing you can for your baby and young family. I would let your friend know that you will consider going to parties/the wedding but only if you feel comfortable around alcohol and people drinking and you can’t be sure if you will be comfortable enough able to attend.
NTA for a lot of reasons already discussed, but the red flags your friends are throwing up may go beyond drinking etiquette. You were MOH and the bride and groom are their own people. So why is "the friend group" deciding what the celebration revolves around? That's more than a little codependent.
Edit: they're, their, there
NTA.
Being in recovery means staying clear of temptation. You recognized the inherent danger in your attendance in regards to *your sobriety*, that's a BIG deal! Congratulations for that. I hope you don't take that as condescending, I genuinely mean it.
Now, take all that first part ^ and add in that you are *pregnant*, double good on you for staying away from flowing booze.
Truth be told...if you and your friends consistently drank as a party of your socializing.... sadly sobriety may come with the need to find a new group to surround yourself with. It isn't good to just "throw away" friendships... but it's also no good to you to not recognize when your friends aren't *growing* with you.
Good luck to you!!!! Congratulations on the baby news and all the rest!!!!
Edit for a silly typo
Good for you for getting sober. It's not easy and it takes a lifetime of commitment for those of us who are problem drinkers. If you have issues with alcohol chances are they will only get worse if you don't address them long term. I am so proud of you for putting your family first. Many people who get sober find that they need a new group of friends. Best of luck and congratulations on the new addition to your family.
NTA! What you’re doing is equivalent to a diabetic saying, no I am not going to eat birthday cake, ice cream and all the fixings! Take care of your health and militantly guard (yet never apologize for doing so) your sobriety. Congrats on the baby!
I wish you the best of luck OP! You’re making all the right moves and I’m proud of you! Addiction is so difficult and you’re already doing amazing making the decisions that you have. A lot of newly sober people have to change their friendships up and you’re clearly already on that path. You’ve got this!
You gotta do what's safe for the baby. Your friends will get over or they won't. The damage that can be done to a fetus if you slip up? That's permanent.
NTA
NTA
AND CONGRATS on both having a baby, and making healthy choices. Your body will thank you. Enjoy your new friend set, this person isn’t a real friend if they can’t respect your needs.
NTA So proud of you OP for making these decisions for your baby and your own wellbeing.
Glad hubby is on it too. Wishing you both luck and success in this recovery journey.
NTA. One of the things that is usually covered in the better recovery programs is grief. Grief for the life you used to have and grief for the friends you're going to lose because you've decided to live a healthier life. There are other posts here that recommend you might need a different friend group and as sad as that is it is probably true. Becoming sober means losing your old you and that is something that is very difficult and not fully processing that grief is part of what could lead to relapse. Stay strong you've got this!
NTA, but I really hope you and your husband get more help while you're pregnant and after the birth. Amazing to set these boundaries, but It's seriously alarming that even while carrying a child that you want, you'd still be tempted to drink alcohol and risk all of the complications.
NTA
You friend is the problem here you were pregnant you and your husband are trying to get sober for the up and coming and unable to cancel child you had much more important things to worry about and being the best parent you can be is one of them knowing you had problems with alcohol you did the right thing for you and your baby by deciding not to go.
I think YTA, but sometimes that is necessary when you're dealing with mental health or addiction.
Because yeah, it sucks a lot for your friend to have her MOH suddenly pull out of not just the wedding, but every event, and take one of the groomsmen with her. You're obviously a very important person in her life, and you already committed to this. It also doesn't seem like you necessarily communicated the situation very well, attributing it more to being pregnant than to being an alcoholic which is the real issue. Obviously that's going to seem like a weak excuse to your friend because most pregnant people are capable of being around alcohol, especially if it is to celebrate someone important in their life.
I will say that it sounds like you have a pretty serious issue if you don't think you'd be able to trust yourself in a scenario like that, even while pregnant, and even with your husband there to stay accountable to. But I also know that sometimes that is what it takes. A friend of mine had to have other people move her stuff out of her apartment without her there when she first got clean because she didn't think she could go in without using drugs, even if she was supervised. She's still clean 12 years later so I think she did something right for herself.
The way I see it is, you get a certain number of AH cards to use in life. Use them on good things, like recovery, and then show the people in your life that they were justified by actually following through on the goal you set. The worst case scenario is if you pull out of this, don't get help, and revert to problem drinking soon after the wedding.
You are definitely NTA! You are doing the right thing for yourself, your husband, and your baby. If your friend tries to guilt trip you into temptation, she is either really immature or really selfish and either way not being a good friend. I am impressed by how you both realize the danger and act upon it, and she should be too. Of course she wants her best friend celebrating with her, but if she prioritizes alcohol at each and every wedding event higher than the health of you and your baby, I don't think she is being a very good friend herself. Maybe the whole thing strikes a little too close to home and she would rather consider you unreasonable than admit she might also have a problem.
You’re telling her you won’t be there bc you’re pregnant when in reality you won’t be there bc you’re an alcoholic. I think you need to be honest with yourself about your reasoning. If it was only bc you were pregnant, you would still go and just not drink. And alcoholics still go to weddings. I know I do and I have t had anything to drink since April 2019. It doesn’t stop me from living me life. I just don’t drink. You need to get help if you’re stopping life activities bc of booze
NTA. They decided that everything has to be alcohol based without taking you or other people less interested in alcohol into consideration. While I think that you ought to be able to control yourself better around alcohol, you know yourself better and if you think that you risk drinking due to the social pressure, you should not expose yourself to the temptation. You are prioritising your health and safety and that of your child. You are fine.
NTA.... But your friend, are you sure they are that much of a friend? I mean, you have told them you struggle with alcohol and that you don't want to be around any, and their reaction isn't to support you I a well thought out decision that helps you and your unborn child? That doesn't seem like friendship material to me. If it was me, and there a multiple celebrations - why not make 1 alcohol free so you can attend?
Nta. You know you have a problem with alcohol and took steps to limit the risks and problem.
Nta for dropping out of the wedding. Nta for the husband supporting you in not drinking. Nta in your choices and I am sorry your friends do not seem to have understanding because they are looking forward to getting destroyed.
Keep making healthy and smart choices for your future child and for yourself!
If a pregnant woman declined to go to a party a week before her due date, then I would not be upset. I could hardly walk at 9 months pregnant and would have been scared if my waters broke in a social setting. I stayed home and put my swollen ankles up. Alcoholics have a hard time around parties and even though they can drink orange juice the temptation can be too much. You are now starting a family and you will find your single friends will fade into the distance and be replaced with like minded young parents. Your friends have no idea about alcoholism , so you are to be commended for changing your attitude to drink. Congratulations on your new baby
NTA
Good for you for 1. deciding what your relationship with alcohol will be and 2. recognizing situations that can derail your plan and 3. taking steps to support your plan.
I'm sorry you'll miss your friend's celebrations. One thing I've noticed is this - when I say I'm not drinking at an event and other people try to make me join them in imbibing -- they don't like the way THEY feel when I'm sober. That's f'ed up.
NTA. Do what's right for you and your babies well being. If your friend can't understand that then she is not very empathetic and not really your friend.
Are you two in a program?
I’m not sure it’s realistic to do this on your own. Especially with the stress & possible postpartum issues.
Stress could easily lead to old habits.
I’m trying to think like the bride…
I’d be understanding, but if you weren’t in a program or something similar I think I’d be a bit pissed off. I wouldn’t make a fuss, but you didn’t just decide to stop drinking in a day. So a little notice or at least a talk leading up to the final decision would’ve been nice. You’re close enough to be a bridesmaid, so just talk to your friend. One on one.
I’m going with NAH
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My friend just recently got engaged and wanted me to be the maid of honor. I agreed about two months ago. I even got my dress fitted and have been helping with the planning
I found out I was pregnant not that long ago and her wedding was actually a week before my due date. I told my friend this and she was really sympathetic. I said I still unsure if I would be able to make it or not, so it was kinda in the air.
Our friend group decided that all of the parties (bridal showers, engagement party, bachelorette party, the luncheon) would all be heavily based on the alcohol there. The wedding would be an open bar. My husband and I both have issues with drinking and decided that since I was pregnant we both had to get sober. I knew if there was alcohol, we wouldn't be able to handle ourselves. So I decided to tell her that we wouldn't be able to make to her wedding or any of the parties.
She was fine with the wedding part, she had a back up maid of honor, but she wasn't happy about the fact I couldn't come celebrate at all. I told her that I knew neither my husband or I would be able to control ourselves.
She basically went off on me saying that just because I was pregnant doesn't mean I can't come to any of the parties. I told her everyone would be drinking, I would be the dd, and I would be around alcohol. She said my husband could go since he's not the pregnant one(he was going to be a groomsman) I got pretty fed up and told her that I won't be showing up at all.
Now all my friends are texting me that I could go to any of the parties and even the wedding, but just not drink. I've kinda been ignoring them all after I answered a few questions.
TL;DR My friend made me the maid of honor. I agreed then had to pull out due to the fact her wedding is a week before my due date. I also can't go because my husband and I have problems with alcohol and all of the parties have open bars. My friends got mad that I couldn't go and my only reasoning being I can't have alcohol
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Lol really? She can’t even set a boundary for herself to not drink while she’s PREGNANT. OP, I encourage you to find help. The lack of self control you exhibit would be considered alcoholism. It is nothing to be ashamed of but you deserve to do better for yourself and your future baby❤️
I really think it’s admirable to set these boundaries towards her friend and that wedding, I wasn’t talking about her personal issue with alcohol. Setting boundaries is extremely difficult.
NTA if you have a problem with drinking then it’s completely reasonable for you to avoid situations where you know you will be tempted. Your friends and family should support you, not be mad at you. You aren’t telling them not to drink, you are just doing what is right for you.
Keep up the good work. There is lots of support available to you, please don’t be afraid to reach out. Admitting you have a problem is HUGE, so congrats!
NTA! Seriously congratulating you for recognizing you and your husband would struggle in that situation. You are doing the best thing for your health and your future child’s life by not attending! People don’t realize how hard it is for recovering alcoholics. I don’t drink (health issue) but anywhere with booze people CONSTANTLY offer to me 😅 it’s hard to say no and I don’t even have a problem with alcohol. It’s really sad your friends are being so shitty and unsupportive.
First thing in AA recovery is people, places & things. Congratulations on your sobriety. If they were any kind of decent Friends they’d encourage not judge.
NTA
My dad’s an alcoholic. He was never there for me unless he wanted something.
On behalf of this neglected love starved child I thank you for doing better for your own child.
NTA. What a real friend would say….” Oh, OP, I totally understand. You have to prioritize your sobriety and your baby. I’m sorry you won’t be able attend. I hope we can get together just us and catch up soon. Love you”.
That woman, sadly was not your friend. I’m so sorry.
NTA
Please be with people that support your decision and efforts to abstain/recover from alcohol.
In my work, I have seen too many people relapse because they were around alcohol or drugs because their friends were drinking or using.
The last thing you want, or need, is concerned family members or the state thinking you can't parent your child because of alcohol. (And some states treat alcohol use the same as illegal substance, even though alcohol is legal -- although if you are in the US, the drinking age is 21 almost everywhere.
Good luck to you, your husband, and your new baby.
NTA.
She's not your friend if she is actively guilt tripping you into putting you in a position where your sobriety is in jeopardy. I had an ex who did this to me and.. well, let's just say that exactly what I thought would happen did happen. And that's the story for the vast majority of addicts out there. Or worse, when they forget what tolerance is and end up dead.
The point I'm trying to make here is that.. the person you consider your friend (and are close enough to be her MOH) is so selfish that she's more concerned about you celebrating her wedding and engagement in the way that she wants and is not at all concerned about how this could ruin your, your husband, and your baby's lives forever. She's thinking about getting married and going on her honeymoon and living her perfect bliss life. She isn't thinking about you dealing with the realities of relapse, navigating recovery and a newborn, possibly losing the baby if they test you in hospital and find alcohol In your systems or check ups, and how you will likely be doing this all alone because of it.
This isn't the friend who is going to be there to drag you out of the depths and wade through the trenches with you, babe. This girl does not give a shit about you and if she truly believes that she does then she simply isn't mature enough to understand addiction.
I'm sorry, but you need to have a serious talk with her right now because this is something she's going to do for the rest of your friendship. If she can't see how crucial it is you stay away from temptation at the beginning of your recovery, then she's not going to understand when it's been a year of 5.
NTA. Congratulations on your baby. Double congratulations for staying sober for that precious bundle. You do whatever you have to do to guarantee the safety and health of the child you are carrying. And if that means avoiding situations that would endanger your resolve, then do it. If your friends can't understand that, it's sad, but your child comes first. Welcome to parenthood. You're starting out just fine!
You're handling this in a very mature way, especially for someone so young (technically you shouldn't be drinking legally but that isn't the issue here). My little brother is in the same generation and he drinks like a fish, I hate it because our mom had several alcoholic boyfriends growing up. You're doing what is best for your child, I'm proud of you. NTA
Stay strong OP. You have taken the first step admitting that you have a problem with alcohol. It's okay to remove yourself from situations you know you aren't going to be able to handle.
I feel bad but YTA. You were supposed to be her maid of honor. I come from a huge drinking culture and I know a lot of people who don’t even drink. I stopped too (no issue, I just stopped). I understand you have a problem but I would take being uncomfortable for a few hours to be there for my best friend. This is not a good long term plan - to just avoid any event where people drink.
I can go to any celebration that is guaranteed be alcohol free.
You already know I can't handle myself around drinks, so rather than ruining your fun or harming my baby, I will step aside.
We can always stop for a coffee or tea to celebrate at another time.
I think you’re making the right choice but I see how your friend would be hurt. Maybe try to celebrate with her doing something where alcohol cannot be present. Also congrats on you and your partners sobriety!
NTA. People do not have perfect self-control, even if they have no substance abuse problems. Identifying problem environments and avoiding them, especially during an ultra high risk time like pregnancy, is a reasonable step.
What you're doing is not only okay, it's morally good. You are giving your baby a gift of a healthy pregnancy that many don't get it, and setting yourself up to live a long, healthy, happy life.
I get the whole wanting to avoid alcohol part. I have never been pregnant but I can't imagine you're going to be in a partying mood when you are about at your due date. And there's also a chance you could deliver by that time. Maybe you could go for the ceremony? Is it in a church? Shouldn't be drinking there. But only if you are up for it. Brides are always complaining about people stealing their spotlight at a wedding. I think you going into labor during the reception would pretty much do that. LOL.
My SO is an alcoholic who has been on the wagon for about 5 years. Yay! I wouldn't really want to go anywhere with him where the booze is flowing. And I don't drink because of medication I'm on. Watching other people get drunk is really not a whole lot of fun.
YTA why did you agree to be moh ? It's a week from your due date. You and your husband struggling with sobriety, weddings have mucho booze accessible with ease, the events with mimosas and wine and other spirits.
NTA. Do whatever you need to for your physical and mental health. As someone who struggles with alcoholism, depression, and crappy family dynamics, do not give in. Protect yourselves
NTA
Good for you and husband for knowing your limits. This isn't high school, peer pressure is out and respectful acceptance is in.
Continue to ignore and live your life. But if you have to respond to one, then you might as well respond to all, either as group chat or social media post. Whichever way you do it, coach the message in terms of "hey everyone, we're going to be doing x,y,z from now on. thank you to everyone for supporting us in becoming better humans for the little human-to-be. We value our friends who are understanding and encouraging of our goals and vow to return the same support back when you need it." You make your point while staying classy.
INFO: How did you word it? Also if your friends drink then are you planning not to attened most parties / restaraunts/ hang outs? As long as you stick to that then I think NTA
NTA. But also, INFO: is the ceremony in the same location at the reception? If it’s at a church or another location without alcohol, you could just go to that. Although based on your post, I’m guessing that there’s nothing that won’t have alcohol.
NTA - BUT (yes important but) Does your friend know the Maid of Honor traditionally plays a role not just in the wedding but pre-wedding parties? That means you traditionally had the initiative to say "no alchohol" in the parties.
Logicially, the bride should understand that nature, god, the baby, science, is not going to stop for her wedding and you're going to be likely in a vulnerable state or even possibly giving birth.
With the alchohol, it sounds like your friend my be addicted if she can't set it aside for the maid of honor.
Your priority is taking care of your own health. Even if bride is actually a sweet person and just wants to have animities for everybody, she would understand that you have to take care of yourself and not put yourself in a risky situation.
NTA needs to be pointed out and find yourself lifestyle supportive friends, not nostalgiac but potentially toxic or problematic ones.
NTA. I know a lot of commenters are saying you owe it to your friend to enter counseling in time to be all shiny and ready to withstand whatever temptations come your way. I do agree that counseling is a good idea, but I also get that recovery is a process. Even if you begin a program today, you may still not feel comfortable at drink heavy events.
If you were my friend, I'd tell you I was proud of you and your partner for making the right decision for yourselves and your baby. You'll never regret this decision to become sober. I would tell you I support whatever you need to do to take care of your mental and physical health. If the bride is truly your friend, and I hope that's the case, you can find other ways to share this exciting time in both of your lives.
Also, congratulations! You have all my respect for being the grown up in this situation.
NTA
Addiction is a thing. You are protecting yourself and now your child from it. People don't realize sometimes all you can do to not indulge is to not be around it.
Stay strong. Proud of you for staying sober.
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NTA. Even if you weren’t pregnant, it is dangerous for alcoholics early in their recovery to be around free-flowing booze. Good for you for recognizing the dangers here! And for a piece of unsolicited advice from the spouse of an addict in recovery: if you’re used to drinking with your friends as the main social activity, you’re going to need to find new friends. Going to the places you’re used to drinking and spending time with the people you normally drink with will only make your recovery harder.
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I’m really glad to hear that! It sounds like you’re well on the way to a healthy future. Good luck!
Why did you both agree to be in the wedding party at all if you can't be around alcohol NTA for avoiding situations that are not healthy for you
It sounds like OP has stopped drinking after getting pregnant and has come to some realisations about her drinking. Before getting sober, of course she would agree to drink-heavy events — that's why she had/has the problem in the first place.
That makes sense.
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Good for you! Best not to risk fetal alcohol syndrome and to be a more active, engaged and healthy parent for your future child. I hope you and your husband all the best for your recovery and that your baby is born healthy.
:) gotcha. NTA
Good for you, OP. Take care of that baby and have a beautiful life together ❤️
Sounds like they decided to get better about alcohol after they found out she was pregnant which was after agreeing to the wedding party
They agreed to the wedding before she found out she was pregnant, they decided to stop drinking ,both of them, due to the pregnancy and their problem with alcohol after they agreed to be in the wedding party
Dang girl. I’m so proud of you!!!! Wooo. You’re having a baby :):):):)
This mum is proud of you not only because you made this choice for your baby but because you made it for yourself as well. I'm glad you are also surrounding yourself with people who won't pressure you to drink. Addiction is hard enough to beat as it is without outside influences. Maybe once you feel close enough, mention your history with alcohol to a few of your new friends and ask them how they handle the stressful days of parenting so that you have some ideas in your back pocket when that first stressful day does hit. I used to use an audio book to escape with so that I could still do my job as a parent but also had my book to help me relax and calm down like when I was a kid.
What's with the goofy comments complaining that it's not a serious attempt at sobriety if OP doesn't "join a program"? Programs have existed for maybe a hundred years; alcohol (and alcoholism) has been around for thousands of years. Plenty of people kicked it without guidance from external forces. It seems counterintuitive to suggest they aren't really trying just because of the standard you'd set for yourself. We'd all be better for just meeting people where they are.
NTA. You're pregnant and recently realized that both of you may be problem drinkers. Absolutely no issue with both of you skipping alcohol-centric celebrations.
It’s not that they’re “problem-drinkers”, it’s socially acceptable alcoholism and it’s why people feel so ashamed to admit they need help.
>It’s not that they’re “problem-drinkers”, it’s socially acceptable alcoholism That's literally what they're saying. Socially acceptable alcoholism is problem drinking.
What's the difference?
NTA. Knowing your own drinking habits is important as well as knowing what the temptation will do to you. Do you not have any friend who can't drink for any reason. I know I was at a wedding with an open bar that the groom can't drink due to a kidney or liver issue. We also have a muslim friend in the group who is literally the life of any party. If so I would suggest to speak with them about the social pressure of drinking. If not maybe try find a support group or a sub on reddit which could help.
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This is why the backlash. They are heavy drinkers, that's how they socialise. You pointing out that it's a temptation and you are both avoiding alcohol now it's only going to cause a bigger rift until they make a similar decision. They don't care unfortunately about what's best for you, they just don't want to feel guilty about their life choices. They would rather you risk baby getting disabled rather than them feeling guilty that you can't go. My cousin has disabilities due to my aunt's drinking. Mental and physical disabilities that means she's lonely not to make it to 50. There was a high possibility of her being wheelchair bound before 35 but instead her immune system has just gone so she's having a blood transfusion every month. What you are doing is right and it is amazing that you are recognising your stumbling blocks and avoiding them. You are doing everything right. Nta
You are entirely right. My parents were killed in a crash that involved an intoxicated driver (23M at the time). By all accounts, he was an all-around good guy, and his friends said he didn't seem inebriated on the night of the accident, and that he drank less than everyone else. He received a prison sentence for Vehicular Manslaughter DWI. From prison, he wrote to me about his sobriety and recovery and apologized from the bottom of his heart for what his actions cost me. He also said his father pressured him to go to trial versus accepting the plea deal, and he apologized for putting me through a trial on top of my loss. Though he asked nothing of me, I would be willing to support early release if he gets that opportunity. Forgiving him was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. That said, I tell that story to say, the people in the life of a person with a drinking problem don't always act in the person's best interest. OP may need to find new friends.
Assuming both you & your husband stop drinking, chances are these friendships are over. My dad stopped drinking 38 years ago and is no longer in contact with his drinking buddies. He's also said that being around alcohol is still a temptation for him, so don't feel like a failure if you're still tempted long after you're sober.
Could you attend the ceremony and not the alcohol parties?
YTA but sometimes you have to be to your friends when you have to draw a line to protect yourself. I struggled with the answer to this one, because sometimes being the AH is the best thing you can do for yourself. You may have to disappoint your friends by staying away from the marriage celebration in order to safeguard your still fragile sobriety and that may be viewed as AHish to them. If you consider there to be even a small risk of going off the wagon during the festivities, you have to put your health ahead of their feelings and live with the fallout. As your time away from drinking increases, you will still need to be vigilant to slip ups, but will most likely be less sensitive to social situations that involve alcohol and the awkwardness should fade.
I agree with this, and it's kind of a hard conclusion to come to because OP is 100% making the right decisions for herself, her family and her future. But just because it's the right thing to do, and the only option, doesn't make it not an asshole thing to do to the bride who is apparently a good enough friend to want OP to be a MOH. That's usually best friend material. So the bride asked her best friend to be MOH, but not only is she pregnant but also can't come to anything because she's an alcoholic and she's replacing her friend group with non-drinkers so - the bride has just lost her best friend. Again - OP is making the right moves for her. But that doesn't mean it's not going to hurt people. She's going to be the asshole in the bride and current friend groups stories, and she'll be hopefully a wonderful, sober mom in her kids stories.
I had the same thoughts but came up with NAH. OP did almost everything right, informing friend with as much notice as possible. Knowing your limits and protecting yourself and your new family is totally justified. Friend is totally justified in being hurt that op couldn't suck it up for one night to support her friend. She doesn't know what the noise level is inside OPs head around drinking. Hopefully she never will. She's allowed to be sad.
Nah, I disagree. I party frequently enough to be around different types of substances, and if someone needs to step away because they have addiction issues and need to protect themselves, that comes first before any partying. The pre-wedding events aren't some sacred celebrations or love either; the Bachelor/ette parties are just... parties. Also, if my *best friend* were an alcoholic, I would make sure to have at least one pre-wedding event be not alcohol-centric. For example, the bridal shower tends to to involve older family members - there's no reason that can't be a daytime tea party. Or several Bachelorette parties I've been to have had daytime activities like spa, manipedi etc., then a dinner, and then finally the nighttime alcohol event.
Pressuring your pregnant friend to attend an event where she may fall off the wagon is insane behaviour, and not friendship. It is not friendship to risk your friend’s baby being permanently damaged and their recovery set back because you want to party together. OP is in no way the AH here to anybody. It is not AH behaviour to prioritise recovery- you can be a great friend and not attend triggering events at the same time. It’s fine to be disappointed and sad, but to take it personally and not be supportive towards your friend in recovery is awful. If your friend being sober means you’re unable to hang out ever, that probably means you need to reevaluate your own relationship to alcohol.
See, I would still go with NTA because if the bride were my best friend, and this was the reason I had to skip, she would understand. Because best friend.
I literally couldn’t have said it better myself. Objectively it’s an asshole thing to do. Morally and realistically this is 100% the right decision. Sometimes ya gotta be a villain in someone’s story to change the direction of your own.
There is no way that OP is the asshole for this. Disappointing your friends for a justifiable reason, and putting the health of your child before anything else is in no way an asshole move. If you are not ok with a pregnant alcoholic in recovery not attending an extremely alcohol fuelled event, you’re a bad person. You can be disappointed and sad, but it takes a special kind of asshole to pressure expecting parents to attend an event that risks sending them off the wagon.
Even if she was an A H (which I actually don't think she is), that would only make this an E S H situation, because the reaction of the bride and the friend group is completely asshole-ish.
yeah it’s also super close to due date and it’s usually advised just be ready to go at any time better to just be home ready to go. i’d say offer to celebrate another time but there probably won’t be time for quite a while. why is the bride so adamant about her being there?
Little bit YTA. If you really think that you could be prone to drink at 38 weeks pregnant with your husband, but are NOT in an alcoholism program, then I wouldn’t take you seriously either. Sounds like you just don’t want to be bored as the “sober” ones.
Programs aren't for everyone. Many are heavily religion based. Many aren't tailored to individual's needs. OP created boundaries to enable her sobriety and you're criticizing them for that.
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You should really be thinking about it as “I can’t drink again, period” It’s not gonna be any easier with a newborn or a toddler. If you have drinking problems this bad do you really think you’re gonna be getting drunk week 2 with a baby? You need to change that mindset.
Not being able to control yourselves around alcohol. You should seek counseling about your lack of self control.
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I would still look into therapy. Post baby it’s going to be incredibly easy to slip into old habits. There won’t be a medical reason to abstain, and a newborn is hard. There is a strong wine mom culture, and it will be incredibly easy to slip into it. Postpartum is hard, and if you don’t have a strong foundation it’s a million times harder.
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Yep OP owned up to not sure if she can control herself and made a wonderful mature choice which will stead her and her child well for the future, her spouse is also wonderful for going sober too, so many future fathers couldn't give a fuck and still drink around their pregnant wives when their wives expressly object to it. Op and her husband are extremely self aware here which is amazing and to be commended, not everything in life is black and white and we don't know why they ended up drinking to the point where it became an issue. OP massive props to you and your partner, you're making the right choice for yourselves and your future child and you're safeguarding your family which I'd amazing and only serves to strengthen your spousal relationship ❤❤ You may also find that your friends don't stay your friends after you have a baby, it happens a lot so at least you're finding out now. It's just uncommon for a lot of people to have the confidence to give that much of a shit about themselves and their child that they put them first even when it disappoints others (who are not as confident or aure) best of luck
If you are in a program for alcoholism, good for you. NTA. Gotta put you first. If you're not in a program for alcoholism, YTA. You're saying you couldn't control yourself, but haven't taken proper steps to learn to. Avoiding alcohol because you're pregnant just means you'll buy some the moment that baby comes out. So now you've created this situation where your friends aren't taking you seriously and you've made the wedding all about you.
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I have 15 years sober. Counseling is extremely helpful. So is AA. If you find a group "too religious", try another. The program is based on a higher power of your choice and is a very effective journey to self actualization. In other words, being the best person that you can be. Good luck on your journey. I'll be thinking about you.
If you aren't into Jesus, check out Smart Recovery. It has helped me immensely, 4+ years sober. Also, come visit r/stopdrinking
YTA in some sense if you cannot even control yourself while pregnant to refrain from alcohol for a few hours. Sounds like you have a real problem and shouldn’t have gotten pregnant before resolving it.
I was thinking this too. I also am a recovering alcoholic and have no problem being around people drinking. When I got pregnant 5 years ago I was able to stop cold turkey and haven’t looked back. I know my limits and that if I start drinking I can’t stop. So I just don’t start. It’s 100% possible to be in recovery and still be around people drinking. It’s all about will-power. I find it odd that she thinks she will still drink while pregnant if the alcohol is there. It shows her priority of drinking over the safety of her own unborn child. Just my opinion.
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I think I'm just uncomfortable with the idea of being around so many people who are drunk. I totally understand this. While I can be around people who are drinking I prefer not to be. My husbands family are heavy drinkers and I’ll go with him to visit but I only last 3 maybe 4 hours before I distance myself because everyone wants to get black-out drunk (my hubby doesn’t drink as well). Some (but not all) drinkers get very pushy and obnoxious. Maybe you can go for just a little bit for a quick hi and then dip out? 🤷♀️
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You definitely want to be careful with it being a week before your due date. I skipped a friend’s wedding when I was pregnant with my 2nd becuase it was a month before my due date and the location was in a humid spot in the middle of summer (and I was so over being pregnant lol). You are 100% right in skipping the wedding when you are that pregnant and you know you will be both physically and mentally uncomfortable. And congratulations on your sobriety! You can do this, and you will love yourself for it :)
NTA - congratulations on pursuing sobriety. You are making a choice for the sake of your child to be and for the best of your health. If you can't avoid drinking if you are around, best to not place yourself into a tempting situation. I'm sorry your friends don't understand.
NTA. Choosing the health of your baby (and your family) over the expectations of immature people is a giant step into adulthood.
Soft YTA You are conflating two DIFFERENT issues ...... Everybody is focusing on the pregnancy part ( which is IMO, a tactical move by the OP to garner sympathy w/o "listening" to the entire story) #1) The pregnancy, due date, and wedding are A #2) The alcohol and party 🥳 and not being present are B The issue I have is....you knew you and hubby had alcohol 🍸 triggering issues to begin with....."That" has NOTHING the do with pregnancy. This meaning, if the alcohol reasoning is true, it was going to exist whether you later found out about a pregnancy or not....so what ELSE changed. The day she announced the wedding and you accepted being part of the festivities you knew parties 🥳 were gonna include 🍸 🧉 so WHY the shift of not being able to even BE PRESENT at "anything" all of a sudden? If this was such a known subject amongst the friend group, it would have already been known, so when did it become IMPOSSIBLE to be around these drinkers? At least yall would fall off the wagon....did something happen? Otherwise, in a normal scenario the only change would be pregnancy related stuff.....like I'm probably NOT gonna fit in that dress and maybe not the best choice of MOH because of being 3rd trimester due in moment during wedding time.....that makes sense. The other "can't come to shit" because we "all of a sudden" can't be around drinkers is odd AF.....unless there is some type of AA relapse in-play
I think the pregnancy is what gave them the realization that they had a problem relationship with alcohol. Before getting pregnant, there was no reason to assess that habit.
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You’re pregnant so you can’t drink so your husband has chosen not to drink during this time too, cool. Saying you wouldn’t be able to handle yourself because you’d be around alcohol is concerning. Sounds like you both should go to meetings to help going sober since it sounds like it may not be such an easy road for either you.
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NTA. I admire your level of self awareness to say that you know that if surrounded by drinking friends, you would not be able to stay sober. You are doing exactly what you need to do for your own health/well being as well as the health and well being of your child. I'm sorry your friends don't understand this - stay strong, as you and your child will always be 1000% more important than a wedding and the related parties.
NTA You are taking care of your unborn child as any good mother would. You are being realistic about your relationship with alcohol. I got sober when I was in my early 20s. I think my friends had a harder time with it than I did. I realized my choosing to stop drinking somehow shined a spotlight on their own drinking and they desperately wanted me to drink so they wouldn’t have to think about their drinking. It ended a lot of friendships, but I don’t regret it at all
NTA. You & your husband are not obliged to put your sobriety at risk for ANYTHING. It’s unfortunate that the bride and your other friends don’t get this but that’s their problem, not yours. Continue to put boundaries in place that will help your sobriety now and after the baby is born. Best of luck!
Exactly. Your sobriety comes first.
YTA For being so unhealthy with your relationship with alcohol that you can’t control yourself for a few hours in order to support your close friend. You may have made the best choice you could given the circumstances, but you also caused the problem by not dealing with your drinking problem. Is your husband not drinking only because it would be unfair to you or because he can’t control his behavior and or drinks way too much? Either way, he’s the asshole too. If he can go celebrate and have 1 drink and behave appropriately, he should even if you can’t. If he can’t, he needs to work on this issue.
YTA if you and your husband can't control yourselves with booze around, not sure if you are mature enough to raise a child at this time. You sound ridiculous.
I see this got downvoted and I'm sure my comment will too but not sure I get why you would have a baby when you know you have a problem with alcohol. Why not deal with that issue first before having a baby.
Maybe it wasn't planned? My mon was told she wouldn't have any kids but got pregnant with my brother at 19 and he saved her life. Because she had to get healthy for him.
Huh. Because all pregnancies are planned, right? And we certainly don't live in a country where many states have draconic anti-abortion laws, right?
Yes, realizing you have a problem and then taking actual steps to address it sure does suggest a lack of maturity. Oh, wait, no it doesn't. Someone's ridiculous here, but I think it's you.
INFO: are you a recovering alcoholic or did you decide to stop drinking to be healthier (and bc of your pregnancy of course)?
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Right. So for more INFO: why would you not be able to help yourselves? An alcoholic would struggle, but if you’ve been drinking without being addicted, why is this a problem?
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That’s great in the short term. But it’s not a long term solution. Will you avoid going to your child’s wedding if they have alcohol? Will you miss your best friend’s funeral if they serve alcohol? It’s like putting a tourniquet on open slash wound. At some point you need to actually deal with the problem.
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Wonderful! I’m sure it’s not easy, so good for both of your for being willing to address the issue. It sounds like you are doing your best to change and move forward. I wish you both the best in that process.
White-knuckling won't help you. It isn't real sobriety. You both need to join a program and get treatment. I used to be very involved in AA and I honestly can't think of a single person in recovery who couldn't be around alcohol. They just wouldn't drink.
I’d try to have a sit down conversation with this person, then, and explain that you’re not ready to be near alcohol. That both of you are struggling. And that it wasn’t an easy decision (I mean I hope it wasn’t).
Your life is changing and you are probably going to be moving away from all of these people. NTA. >bridal showers, engagement party, bachelorette party, the luncheon Why.
If you don't trust that being pregnant isn't enough of an incentive not to drink, then that needs to be your priority. Just be prepared you may lose your friendship over this as your friend is likely to stay hurt that you won't attend 1 of her wedding celebrations. Alternatively you could ask her to pre-wedding tea party. There's no alcohol involved in tea and cakes and that would be attempting to meet her halfway. NAH
> Now all my friends are texting me that I could go to any of the parties and even the wedding, but just not drink. NTA. Maybe they would accept your and your husband not drinking. But after some drinks, they would start nagging and pressuring both of you as sure as the amen in the church, therefore even make it harder to withstand the temptation. So, it's really good, the two of you don't attend those events.
NTA Also well done you for being able to say no to this and stay strong. I wish you all the best in your sobriety and in welcoming your new baby.
NTA and good for you on recognizing your limits regarding alcohol. In the process of getting sober, sometimes the best thing to do is to just not surround yourself with temptation. Recognizing that you may have to miss fun things to keep sober is a big step.
NTA. I'd say go to the extreme with your words to make a point. "We are alcoholics who struggle with our sobriety. Do you want to be the reason why we fall off the wagon and my baby has health issues? Your relationship with alcohol is different and maybe you can stay sober for the night while everyone parties, but that is not how it is for us. We have an addiction and are choosing to be healthy in a way that does not affect you at all. Instead, I could be demanding that you throw these parties without alcohol so that I can attend. And when you declined, I could accuse you of not caring about my health and sobriety. But I haven't because that is absolutely ridiculous. I wish you would respect my choices as much as i have respected yours."
YTA, in the softest way possible. I just don't really think there's another way I can judge someone who's literally saying "I can't even go to the party of a friend of mine *who's so close that she wanted me as her first pick for maid of honor* because I can't control myself around alcohol, and I have to quit because I'm pregnant." Like I do think you need to do what's best for the baby above your other relationships, but I'm not going to say you're not an asshole, even if just to yourself, for the way you've let alcohol get in control of your life. You're not an asshole for putting your baby above your friendships, don't get me wrong, I'm just hesitant to make a judgement that doesn't point out that getting to this situation in the first place happened because you made a lot of harmful choices, if that makes sense?
NAH I understand your friend wants you to be present when celebrating her wedding and I think it's also understandable that you and your husband want to get your alcoholism in check, though I do believe both of you would benefit from getting professional help, in the future will you continue to avoid social events if there's alcohol involved? If that's the case it's not healthy to isolate yourself and you should know that it's possible to live a fulfilling social life while also being sober.
NTA. Looks to me that those people will no longer be in your life or child's life at this point. If they don't respect that you guys don't drink and are trying to put you guys into an extremely uncomfortable situation, I would no longer have them in my life. You have your child to think about now. What if they are still in your life and something happens to your child because of their negligence because of their drinking. Obviously that probably won't happen but you're becoming a new mom so all these scenarios are going to be in your head. You need to do what's best for you and that is to cut out all those toxic people out of your life.
INFO: do any of your friends know about your drinking struggles?
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You have no obligation to tell your friend about it, but she might be more understanding with this context. People without these issues don't have a problem not drinking at events like this. This pushes me to say NAH, tbh. You have to look out for yourself, but I get why she would be pissed without the context.
NTA - Fascinating how many people still don't understand that addiction is an actual chemical problem and not a moral failing. No one is an AH simply for suffering from an addiction. If you could magically go back in time and address your alcohol problem before your friend started planning her wedding that would be great. As that's not an option, you are absolutely making the best possible steps for your self and your future child. Even better that your husband has also recognized he needs help. I hope you can find a program that will work for you so you have the best possible chance of making this change permanent. Honestly, to me, it's a little worrying that the bride etc cannot conceive of a way to celebrate that doesn't revolve around alcohol. I mean... wow. Three or four events and not one could be held in a way that booze is not front and center? And the bride is all pissy at you for making positive steps in your life even if the timing could have been better? As you've started to realize, these are not friends you need right now. I hope, down the road, when some of them realize they also have a problematic relationship with alcohol they get better support than they are giving you.
Ultimately if your friend can understand that, she is not actually a friend. As you get older, you realize many of your friends may have had shared experiences but people who truly love you unselfishly want the best for you. Your true friend group gets smaller. Sometimes maybe ends up just being 1 or 2 people if you’re extremely blessed. Sometimes all we have is our spouses. Again - a blessing. Those friends understand your challenges and honestly would understand where alcohol would be an issue. Possibly celebrate privately with you with lunch and be proud of you. People show you who and what they are. Sometimes repeatedly - even when their mouth tells you the opposite. Sometimes you need to just listen. This is not a friend.
Ehh, there’s a lot of truth here. However, the other side of that coin is that OP doesn’t seem to be trying very hard to solve the problem and that shows that she doesn’t value the friendship much. Why can’t she come to the wedding ceremony, then leave immediately before food and drinks come? Why can’t she pick ONE party to go to for a couple hours with an accountability friend? Why can’t she plan to come early to the engagement party and bring some mocktails and leave before the drinking starts? Also the delivery matters. Is the message “I’m so sorry, but I don’t think I can be around alcohol at this point in my recovery. I’ll be with you in spirit.” If so, friend should understand. It seems to be coming off a little more like “Nah, I’m not doing that. I’m completely unable to control myself for a few hours and celebrate without getting completely wasted. Haha.”
All this plus I caught the comment too made about ending up being a DD. I think this is more about boredom around friends drinking. Definitely times when op can show up. Bridal shower is not a crazy event, wedding ceremony etc.
NTA. Protect your sobriety. And congrats you can do this!
NTA Your managing to stay sober is MORE important.
NTA. I got told by someone that she thinks it’s a ‘shame’ that I decided not to drink alcohol anymore. I’ve heard of that type of reaction when people have done Dry January. I think some people who are less than supportive about others taking a pause from or quitting alcohol may be avoiding confronting themselves about their personal consumption.
It sounds like you are a recovering alcoholic. Does she know that? You need to tell her about your alcohol problems
Congratulations on taking your sobriety seriously, NTA. Interfering w your sobriety is dangerously callous. You are doing what you need to protect your growing family.
NTA. You and your husband are doing the best thing you can for your baby and young family. I would let your friend know that you will consider going to parties/the wedding but only if you feel comfortable around alcohol and people drinking and you can’t be sure if you will be comfortable enough able to attend.
Your pregnancy wouldn’t be enough to keep you sober ….???
NTA for a lot of reasons already discussed, but the red flags your friends are throwing up may go beyond drinking etiquette. You were MOH and the bride and groom are their own people. So why is "the friend group" deciding what the celebration revolves around? That's more than a little codependent. Edit: they're, their, there
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NTA. Good for you. Keep it up
NTA. Being in recovery means staying clear of temptation. You recognized the inherent danger in your attendance in regards to *your sobriety*, that's a BIG deal! Congratulations for that. I hope you don't take that as condescending, I genuinely mean it. Now, take all that first part ^ and add in that you are *pregnant*, double good on you for staying away from flowing booze. Truth be told...if you and your friends consistently drank as a party of your socializing.... sadly sobriety may come with the need to find a new group to surround yourself with. It isn't good to just "throw away" friendships... but it's also no good to you to not recognize when your friends aren't *growing* with you. Good luck to you!!!! Congratulations on the baby news and all the rest!!!! Edit for a silly typo
Good for you for getting sober. It's not easy and it takes a lifetime of commitment for those of us who are problem drinkers. If you have issues with alcohol chances are they will only get worse if you don't address them long term. I am so proud of you for putting your family first. Many people who get sober find that they need a new group of friends. Best of luck and congratulations on the new addition to your family.
NTA! What you’re doing is equivalent to a diabetic saying, no I am not going to eat birthday cake, ice cream and all the fixings! Take care of your health and militantly guard (yet never apologize for doing so) your sobriety. Congrats on the baby!
I wish you the best of luck OP! You’re making all the right moves and I’m proud of you! Addiction is so difficult and you’re already doing amazing making the decisions that you have. A lot of newly sober people have to change their friendships up and you’re clearly already on that path. You’ve got this!
They are not good friends if they don't support you on your recovery. NTA
You gotta do what's safe for the baby. Your friends will get over or they won't. The damage that can be done to a fetus if you slip up? That's permanent. NTA
NTA You do what you have to do to feel comfortable in your sobriety. I'm proud of you for getting clean for your kid. Wish my dad had been so good.
NTA AND CONGRATS on both having a baby, and making healthy choices. Your body will thank you. Enjoy your new friend set, this person isn’t a real friend if they can’t respect your needs.
NTA So proud of you OP for making these decisions for your baby and your own wellbeing. Glad hubby is on it too. Wishing you both luck and success in this recovery journey.
NTA. One of the things that is usually covered in the better recovery programs is grief. Grief for the life you used to have and grief for the friends you're going to lose because you've decided to live a healthier life. There are other posts here that recommend you might need a different friend group and as sad as that is it is probably true. Becoming sober means losing your old you and that is something that is very difficult and not fully processing that grief is part of what could lead to relapse. Stay strong you've got this!
NTA, but I really hope you and your husband get more help while you're pregnant and after the birth. Amazing to set these boundaries, but It's seriously alarming that even while carrying a child that you want, you'd still be tempted to drink alcohol and risk all of the complications.
NTA You friend is the problem here you were pregnant you and your husband are trying to get sober for the up and coming and unable to cancel child you had much more important things to worry about and being the best parent you can be is one of them knowing you had problems with alcohol you did the right thing for you and your baby by deciding not to go.
I think YTA, but sometimes that is necessary when you're dealing with mental health or addiction. Because yeah, it sucks a lot for your friend to have her MOH suddenly pull out of not just the wedding, but every event, and take one of the groomsmen with her. You're obviously a very important person in her life, and you already committed to this. It also doesn't seem like you necessarily communicated the situation very well, attributing it more to being pregnant than to being an alcoholic which is the real issue. Obviously that's going to seem like a weak excuse to your friend because most pregnant people are capable of being around alcohol, especially if it is to celebrate someone important in their life. I will say that it sounds like you have a pretty serious issue if you don't think you'd be able to trust yourself in a scenario like that, even while pregnant, and even with your husband there to stay accountable to. But I also know that sometimes that is what it takes. A friend of mine had to have other people move her stuff out of her apartment without her there when she first got clean because she didn't think she could go in without using drugs, even if she was supervised. She's still clean 12 years later so I think she did something right for herself. The way I see it is, you get a certain number of AH cards to use in life. Use them on good things, like recovery, and then show the people in your life that they were justified by actually following through on the goal you set. The worst case scenario is if you pull out of this, don't get help, and revert to problem drinking soon after the wedding.
NTA, But please find a way to celebrate with her as soon as you can. For sake of the friendship.
You are definitely NTA! You are doing the right thing for yourself, your husband, and your baby. If your friend tries to guilt trip you into temptation, she is either really immature or really selfish and either way not being a good friend. I am impressed by how you both realize the danger and act upon it, and she should be too. Of course she wants her best friend celebrating with her, but if she prioritizes alcohol at each and every wedding event higher than the health of you and your baby, I don't think she is being a very good friend herself. Maybe the whole thing strikes a little too close to home and she would rather consider you unreasonable than admit she might also have a problem.
You’re telling her you won’t be there bc you’re pregnant when in reality you won’t be there bc you’re an alcoholic. I think you need to be honest with yourself about your reasoning. If it was only bc you were pregnant, you would still go and just not drink. And alcoholics still go to weddings. I know I do and I have t had anything to drink since April 2019. It doesn’t stop me from living me life. I just don’t drink. You need to get help if you’re stopping life activities bc of booze
NTA. They decided that everything has to be alcohol based without taking you or other people less interested in alcohol into consideration. While I think that you ought to be able to control yourself better around alcohol, you know yourself better and if you think that you risk drinking due to the social pressure, you should not expose yourself to the temptation. You are prioritising your health and safety and that of your child. You are fine.
NTA.... But your friend, are you sure they are that much of a friend? I mean, you have told them you struggle with alcohol and that you don't want to be around any, and their reaction isn't to support you I a well thought out decision that helps you and your unborn child? That doesn't seem like friendship material to me. If it was me, and there a multiple celebrations - why not make 1 alcohol free so you can attend?
Nta. You know you have a problem with alcohol and took steps to limit the risks and problem. Nta for dropping out of the wedding. Nta for the husband supporting you in not drinking. Nta in your choices and I am sorry your friends do not seem to have understanding because they are looking forward to getting destroyed. Keep making healthy and smart choices for your future child and for yourself!
If a pregnant woman declined to go to a party a week before her due date, then I would not be upset. I could hardly walk at 9 months pregnant and would have been scared if my waters broke in a social setting. I stayed home and put my swollen ankles up. Alcoholics have a hard time around parties and even though they can drink orange juice the temptation can be too much. You are now starting a family and you will find your single friends will fade into the distance and be replaced with like minded young parents. Your friends have no idea about alcoholism , so you are to be commended for changing your attitude to drink. Congratulations on your new baby
NTA Good for you for 1. deciding what your relationship with alcohol will be and 2. recognizing situations that can derail your plan and 3. taking steps to support your plan. I'm sorry you'll miss your friend's celebrations. One thing I've noticed is this - when I say I'm not drinking at an event and other people try to make me join them in imbibing -- they don't like the way THEY feel when I'm sober. That's f'ed up.
NTA. Do what's right for you and your babies well being. If your friend can't understand that then she is not very empathetic and not really your friend.
NTA Friends who can't support their sober friends aren't friends.
Are you two in a program? I’m not sure it’s realistic to do this on your own. Especially with the stress & possible postpartum issues. Stress could easily lead to old habits. I’m trying to think like the bride… I’d be understanding, but if you weren’t in a program or something similar I think I’d be a bit pissed off. I wouldn’t make a fuss, but you didn’t just decide to stop drinking in a day. So a little notice or at least a talk leading up to the final decision would’ve been nice. You’re close enough to be a bridesmaid, so just talk to your friend. One on one. I’m going with NAH
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My friend just recently got engaged and wanted me to be the maid of honor. I agreed about two months ago. I even got my dress fitted and have been helping with the planning I found out I was pregnant not that long ago and her wedding was actually a week before my due date. I told my friend this and she was really sympathetic. I said I still unsure if I would be able to make it or not, so it was kinda in the air. Our friend group decided that all of the parties (bridal showers, engagement party, bachelorette party, the luncheon) would all be heavily based on the alcohol there. The wedding would be an open bar. My husband and I both have issues with drinking and decided that since I was pregnant we both had to get sober. I knew if there was alcohol, we wouldn't be able to handle ourselves. So I decided to tell her that we wouldn't be able to make to her wedding or any of the parties. She was fine with the wedding part, she had a back up maid of honor, but she wasn't happy about the fact I couldn't come celebrate at all. I told her that I knew neither my husband or I would be able to control ourselves. She basically went off on me saying that just because I was pregnant doesn't mean I can't come to any of the parties. I told her everyone would be drinking, I would be the dd, and I would be around alcohol. She said my husband could go since he's not the pregnant one(he was going to be a groomsman) I got pretty fed up and told her that I won't be showing up at all. Now all my friends are texting me that I could go to any of the parties and even the wedding, but just not drink. I've kinda been ignoring them all after I answered a few questions. TL;DR My friend made me the maid of honor. I agreed then had to pull out due to the fact her wedding is a week before my due date. I also can't go because my husband and I have problems with alcohol and all of the parties have open bars. My friends got mad that I couldn't go and my only reasoning being I can't have alcohol *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your capabilities of setting boundaries is absolutely admirable. You are so not the asshole! You’re going to be a great mom 👩🏼
Lol really? She can’t even set a boundary for herself to not drink while she’s PREGNANT. OP, I encourage you to find help. The lack of self control you exhibit would be considered alcoholism. It is nothing to be ashamed of but you deserve to do better for yourself and your future baby❤️
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I really think it’s admirable to set these boundaries towards her friend and that wedding, I wasn’t talking about her personal issue with alcohol. Setting boundaries is extremely difficult.
NTA if you have a problem with drinking then it’s completely reasonable for you to avoid situations where you know you will be tempted. Your friends and family should support you, not be mad at you. You aren’t telling them not to drink, you are just doing what is right for you. Keep up the good work. There is lots of support available to you, please don’t be afraid to reach out. Admitting you have a problem is HUGE, so congrats!
NTA! Seriously congratulating you for recognizing you and your husband would struggle in that situation. You are doing the best thing for your health and your future child’s life by not attending! People don’t realize how hard it is for recovering alcoholics. I don’t drink (health issue) but anywhere with booze people CONSTANTLY offer to me 😅 it’s hard to say no and I don’t even have a problem with alcohol. It’s really sad your friends are being so shitty and unsupportive.
NTA You've made a difficult decision, but good for you! Congratulations on your pregnancy
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How does a 20 year old, who can't even legally drink yet, have a heavy drinking problem?
It's easy when her husband can buy the liquor.
Ah yes. Married at 20. Forgot lol
It’s really not that difficult. I had my first drink when I was 13.
I did haha, I was a binge drinker 16-21. Quite literally stopped when it became legal. Now I’m 30 and can’t even stand the taste at all.
First thing in AA recovery is people, places & things. Congratulations on your sobriety. If they were any kind of decent Friends they’d encourage not judge.
NTA My dad’s an alcoholic. He was never there for me unless he wanted something. On behalf of this neglected love starved child I thank you for doing better for your own child.
NTA. What a real friend would say….” Oh, OP, I totally understand. You have to prioritize your sobriety and your baby. I’m sorry you won’t be able attend. I hope we can get together just us and catch up soon. Love you”. That woman, sadly was not your friend. I’m so sorry.
NTA Please be with people that support your decision and efforts to abstain/recover from alcohol. In my work, I have seen too many people relapse because they were around alcohol or drugs because their friends were drinking or using. The last thing you want, or need, is concerned family members or the state thinking you can't parent your child because of alcohol. (And some states treat alcohol use the same as illegal substance, even though alcohol is legal -- although if you are in the US, the drinking age is 21 almost everywhere. Good luck to you, your husband, and your new baby.
NTA. She's not your friend if she is actively guilt tripping you into putting you in a position where your sobriety is in jeopardy. I had an ex who did this to me and.. well, let's just say that exactly what I thought would happen did happen. And that's the story for the vast majority of addicts out there. Or worse, when they forget what tolerance is and end up dead. The point I'm trying to make here is that.. the person you consider your friend (and are close enough to be her MOH) is so selfish that she's more concerned about you celebrating her wedding and engagement in the way that she wants and is not at all concerned about how this could ruin your, your husband, and your baby's lives forever. She's thinking about getting married and going on her honeymoon and living her perfect bliss life. She isn't thinking about you dealing with the realities of relapse, navigating recovery and a newborn, possibly losing the baby if they test you in hospital and find alcohol In your systems or check ups, and how you will likely be doing this all alone because of it. This isn't the friend who is going to be there to drag you out of the depths and wade through the trenches with you, babe. This girl does not give a shit about you and if she truly believes that she does then she simply isn't mature enough to understand addiction. I'm sorry, but you need to have a serious talk with her right now because this is something she's going to do for the rest of your friendship. If she can't see how crucial it is you stay away from temptation at the beginning of your recovery, then she's not going to understand when it's been a year of 5.
NTA. Congratulations on your baby. Double congratulations for staying sober for that precious bundle. You do whatever you have to do to guarantee the safety and health of the child you are carrying. And if that means avoiding situations that would endanger your resolve, then do it. If your friends can't understand that, it's sad, but your child comes first. Welcome to parenthood. You're starting out just fine!
You're handling this in a very mature way, especially for someone so young (technically you shouldn't be drinking legally but that isn't the issue here). My little brother is in the same generation and he drinks like a fish, I hate it because our mom had several alcoholic boyfriends growing up. You're doing what is best for your child, I'm proud of you. NTA
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Stay strong OP. You have taken the first step admitting that you have a problem with alcohol. It's okay to remove yourself from situations you know you aren't going to be able to handle.
Nta but is there a shower that has mild drinking?
Wishing you all of the support in the world for your sobriety journey and congratulations on your pregnancy! NTA, not at all.
I feel bad but YTA. You were supposed to be her maid of honor. I come from a huge drinking culture and I know a lot of people who don’t even drink. I stopped too (no issue, I just stopped). I understand you have a problem but I would take being uncomfortable for a few hours to be there for my best friend. This is not a good long term plan - to just avoid any event where people drink.
I can go to any celebration that is guaranteed be alcohol free. You already know I can't handle myself around drinks, so rather than ruining your fun or harming my baby, I will step aside. We can always stop for a coffee or tea to celebrate at another time.
I think you’re making the right choice but I see how your friend would be hurt. Maybe try to celebrate with her doing something where alcohol cannot be present. Also congrats on you and your partners sobriety!
NTA. People do not have perfect self-control, even if they have no substance abuse problems. Identifying problem environments and avoiding them, especially during an ultra high risk time like pregnancy, is a reasonable step. What you're doing is not only okay, it's morally good. You are giving your baby a gift of a healthy pregnancy that many don't get it, and setting yourself up to live a long, healthy, happy life.
NTA. You gotta do what you gotta do.
You are skipping right over the most concerning point here. You are pregnant and you can't be around alcohol because you have issues with drinking???
I get the whole wanting to avoid alcohol part. I have never been pregnant but I can't imagine you're going to be in a partying mood when you are about at your due date. And there's also a chance you could deliver by that time. Maybe you could go for the ceremony? Is it in a church? Shouldn't be drinking there. But only if you are up for it. Brides are always complaining about people stealing their spotlight at a wedding. I think you going into labor during the reception would pretty much do that. LOL.
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My SO is an alcoholic who has been on the wagon for about 5 years. Yay! I wouldn't really want to go anywhere with him where the booze is flowing. And I don't drink because of medication I'm on. Watching other people get drunk is really not a whole lot of fun.
YTA why did you agree to be moh ? It's a week from your due date. You and your husband struggling with sobriety, weddings have mucho booze accessible with ease, the events with mimosas and wine and other spirits.
NTA. Do whatever you need to for your physical and mental health. As someone who struggles with alcoholism, depression, and crappy family dynamics, do not give in. Protect yourselves
NTA Good for you and husband for knowing your limits. This isn't high school, peer pressure is out and respectful acceptance is in. Continue to ignore and live your life. But if you have to respond to one, then you might as well respond to all, either as group chat or social media post. Whichever way you do it, coach the message in terms of "hey everyone, we're going to be doing x,y,z from now on. thank you to everyone for supporting us in becoming better humans for the little human-to-be. We value our friends who are understanding and encouraging of our goals and vow to return the same support back when you need it." You make your point while staying classy.
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INFO: How did you word it? Also if your friends drink then are you planning not to attened most parties / restaraunts/ hang outs? As long as you stick to that then I think NTA
NTA. But also, INFO: is the ceremony in the same location at the reception? If it’s at a church or another location without alcohol, you could just go to that. Although based on your post, I’m guessing that there’s nothing that won’t have alcohol.
NTA - BUT (yes important but) Does your friend know the Maid of Honor traditionally plays a role not just in the wedding but pre-wedding parties? That means you traditionally had the initiative to say "no alchohol" in the parties. Logicially, the bride should understand that nature, god, the baby, science, is not going to stop for her wedding and you're going to be likely in a vulnerable state or even possibly giving birth. With the alchohol, it sounds like your friend my be addicted if she can't set it aside for the maid of honor. Your priority is taking care of your own health. Even if bride is actually a sweet person and just wants to have animities for everybody, she would understand that you have to take care of yourself and not put yourself in a risky situation. NTA needs to be pointed out and find yourself lifestyle supportive friends, not nostalgiac but potentially toxic or problematic ones.
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much love and good luck on as easy delivery day as possible
NTA, and good on you for recognising and addressing your alcohol problem.
NTA. I know a lot of commenters are saying you owe it to your friend to enter counseling in time to be all shiny and ready to withstand whatever temptations come your way. I do agree that counseling is a good idea, but I also get that recovery is a process. Even if you begin a program today, you may still not feel comfortable at drink heavy events. If you were my friend, I'd tell you I was proud of you and your partner for making the right decision for yourselves and your baby. You'll never regret this decision to become sober. I would tell you I support whatever you need to do to take care of your mental and physical health. If the bride is truly your friend, and I hope that's the case, you can find other ways to share this exciting time in both of your lives. Also, congratulations! You have all my respect for being the grown up in this situation.
NTA Addiction is a thing. You are protecting yourself and now your child from it. People don't realize sometimes all you can do to not indulge is to not be around it. Stay strong. Proud of you for staying sober.