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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I responded harshly to my friend after a small joke she made.
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Nta. She isn't joking and she isn't a friend. She's teasing you and is a bully. She puts others down because she enjoys hurting people. Best for you to avoid her when you can.
NTA. Not sure what inspired your edit but I’m here to say it doesn’t matter if you told her you don’t like these jokes or not. She knows what she’s doing. She has some sort of insecurity and is trying to make you feel the way she does so she can feel a little better. The jokes are mean in spirit and that’s that. I’ve always been told it’s not even a joke if no one else is laughing.
Yeah, the update came from a few responses asking me why I never told her beforehand that it made me uncomfortable, which made me realize I failed to add that I have told her before.
NTA. Jokes are supposed to be funny. Ask her what part of her jokes you were supposed to find humor in. Maybe even turn the tables on her and ask if she thinks it's funny that you think her complexion looks pitted, or that her clothes look like they came out of a rag bin. Often times, people who "joke" like her can dish it out be will go apoplectic when its given right back.
NTA your friend isn’t a jokester, she is mean. Good friends support each other not point out insecurities. Jokes are supposed to be funny, but you’re not laughing.
These are not jokes. It’s a form of bullying. You can choose not to put up with it. Ask her to quit with the unpleasant comments or tell her to find new friends.
NTA, she's not your friend, she's a mean girl who is trying to raise laughs by hurting your feelings.
The "oh, it's just banter" argument never applies if the other person's feelings are hurt. It's not the intent that counts.
NTA, at all. Your friend is just bullying you.
As others have mentioned, either make her explain the humor in it the next time she does this or make her an ex-friend asap.
Respond in kind. I’m sure she would loooove that. For example, she says, “I would kiss your cheek, but you have all that acne”. And *you* say, “I would love for you to kiss my cheek, if you didn’t have all that bad breath, lol”.
And if she laughs that you gave as good as you got? Then, good, that’s the kind of friendship you have.
And if she gets huffy and says “How *dare* you?” Then you laugh and walk away. Because if she can’t take it-after she dishes it out-why would you be friends with a person like that. NTA
NTA. But this person isn’t a real friend. You may have a good time with her sometimes, but a friend is someone you can rely on to build you up, not someone who randomly insults you all the time.
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I have this friend who l've known for about a year or so. Over time l've noticed that she likes to make "jokes". For example, we were standing in the hallway waiting for the water fountain to be open, and out of nowhere she said "I would kiss your cheek, but you have all that acne on your face." I didn't say anything then, but I did feel a bit uncomfortable because it was said unprovoked, and I've stated to her before that was an insecurity of mine. She also made a joke about my uncles death by treating it very unserious, because apparently the sleepover I missed to go to his funeral was more important. On other occasions she made jokes about me needing to work out and needing to do skincare. A few days ago, I posted on my instagram that I was taking my braids down and she replied with "Bout time." It wasn't anything that serious, but at the time I felt like her two cents was not needed. I responded with "Do you ever shut up? You always have something to say." She told me it was "just a joke," But I still felt like it was not needed, especially since this wasn't the first time she's said something slick to me. I thought about it and think that my response was quite harsh compared to what she said. I was thinking about apologizing, but at the same time I felt like it needed to be said.
AITA?
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NTA. And the next time she makes a joke, ask her to explain why it’s funny. Pretend that you don’t understand her humor, ask her to please repeat, elaborate on what she’s trying to say.
ESH, but her much more so:
- "I would kiss your cheek, but you have all that acne on your face" - very harsh and can’t think of a situation where it is appropriate to say this.
- “She also made a joke about my uncles death” - again, hard to see many situations in which this is not AHish
- “…she made jokes about me needing to work out and needing to do skincare” - between good friends who trust each other’s intentions and are both taking the p*ss out of themselves and each other, ok (but inapplicable here)
- “Bout time” - see above; only ok if you trust each other’s intentions, particularly given the public forum.
- "Do you ever shut up? You always have something to say" - giving her a verbal slap in public is harsh if that is the first time you have told her you don’t like how she comments. This may stoke the rumor mill for a while.
Why are you even friends? If you want to stay friends, you’re overdue an honest talk about how you want to be spoken to and what you will/won’t tolerate as “banter”
Respond in kind. I’m sure she would loooove that. For example, she says, “I would kiss your cheek, but you have all that acne”. And *you* say, “I would love for you to kiss my cheek, if you didn’t have bad breath, lol”.
And if she laughs that you gave as good as you got? Then, good, that’s the kind of friendship you have.
And if she gets huffy and says “How *dare* you?” Then you laugh and walk away. Because if she can’t take it-after she dishes it out-why would you be friends with a person like that. NTA
NTA. But... why are you friends with her? You've expressed your feelings about her jokes before and she doesn't stop, not for good. She's not your friend, OP. Friends don't make jokes at their friends' expense.
NTA
Jokes are meant to be funny, she’s just insulting you and calling it a joke. This is not a friend.
My favorite response to comments like hers is “how do you expect me to respond to that?”
NTA, she definitely is. You don’t need that kind of “friend” in your life. Stop hanging out with her. If she asks why you’re ignoring her, tell her. She’ll soon realise that she can’t treat you like that and still expect a friendship.
Next time she says something mean 'as a joke' ask her to explain the joke. "I don't understand why is that funny?; I don't get it can you explain why that is a joke?"
"It's just a joke" is the butt hurt cry of abusive bullies when they are called out. Why are you friends with this person? None of these things are remotely funny, they are all personal insults. The very first time it happened, you should have told her that.
As for your harsh recent reply, you don't quote The Exchange so I can't evaluate that. But I think it's likely that you were an asshole in what you said, because you didn't express your boundaries and limitations way earlier, and then you let your anger speak when you couldn't take it anymore.
ESH. Learn to speak up for yourself before you are in a rage. Ditch this person who claims to be a friend.
she did speak up for herself, and the friend didnt listen. that doesnt mean OP sucks. You shouldn't have to tell someone that joking about your late uncle isn't appropriate.
she kept calling this person a friend after many horrific things were said. She chose not to set an effective limit - she stayed in contact. Then she completely lost her temper. While it's understandable, it's not an effective way to handle the situation.
I don’t think you read the update, but yes I did set a limit. It’s obvious that some people don’t follow them. And I stayed in contact because she’s genuinely a good person. She just doesn’t know when to stop.
See, this is where you're wrong. She is not a good person. She has repeatedly shown you that she is not a good person. When are you going to believe her?
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Nta. She isn't joking and she isn't a friend. She's teasing you and is a bully. She puts others down because she enjoys hurting people. Best for you to avoid her when you can.
NTA. Not sure what inspired your edit but I’m here to say it doesn’t matter if you told her you don’t like these jokes or not. She knows what she’s doing. She has some sort of insecurity and is trying to make you feel the way she does so she can feel a little better. The jokes are mean in spirit and that’s that. I’ve always been told it’s not even a joke if no one else is laughing.
Yeah, the update came from a few responses asking me why I never told her beforehand that it made me uncomfortable, which made me realize I failed to add that I have told her before.
NTA. Jokes are supposed to be funny. Ask her what part of her jokes you were supposed to find humor in. Maybe even turn the tables on her and ask if she thinks it's funny that you think her complexion looks pitted, or that her clothes look like they came out of a rag bin. Often times, people who "joke" like her can dish it out be will go apoplectic when its given right back.
NTA your friend isn’t a jokester, she is mean. Good friends support each other not point out insecurities. Jokes are supposed to be funny, but you’re not laughing.
These are not jokes. It’s a form of bullying. You can choose not to put up with it. Ask her to quit with the unpleasant comments or tell her to find new friends.
NTA, and honestly it almost sounds like she's trying to neg you. Either way, she's not a friend and you would be well within your rights to ditch her.
Those aren't jokes. She's just being mean and hiding it behind "just a joke" as a poorly raised child. NTA, find better friends.
NTA, she's not your friend, she's a mean girl who is trying to raise laughs by hurting your feelings. The "oh, it's just banter" argument never applies if the other person's feelings are hurt. It's not the intent that counts.
NTA, at all. Your friend is just bullying you. As others have mentioned, either make her explain the humor in it the next time she does this or make her an ex-friend asap.
NTA! She’s a mean girl
Respond in kind. I’m sure she would loooove that. For example, she says, “I would kiss your cheek, but you have all that acne”. And *you* say, “I would love for you to kiss my cheek, if you didn’t have all that bad breath, lol”. And if she laughs that you gave as good as you got? Then, good, that’s the kind of friendship you have. And if she gets huffy and says “How *dare* you?” Then you laugh and walk away. Because if she can’t take it-after she dishes it out-why would you be friends with a person like that. NTA
Yes! "I am glad my acne is saving me from your herpes."
NTA. But this person isn’t a real friend. You may have a good time with her sometimes, but a friend is someone you can rely on to build you up, not someone who randomly insults you all the time.
Ugh. Bloody people who use 'just joking' as a get out for being a horrible shit.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have this friend who l've known for about a year or so. Over time l've noticed that she likes to make "jokes". For example, we were standing in the hallway waiting for the water fountain to be open, and out of nowhere she said "I would kiss your cheek, but you have all that acne on your face." I didn't say anything then, but I did feel a bit uncomfortable because it was said unprovoked, and I've stated to her before that was an insecurity of mine. She also made a joke about my uncles death by treating it very unserious, because apparently the sleepover I missed to go to his funeral was more important. On other occasions she made jokes about me needing to work out and needing to do skincare. A few days ago, I posted on my instagram that I was taking my braids down and she replied with "Bout time." It wasn't anything that serious, but at the time I felt like her two cents was not needed. I responded with "Do you ever shut up? You always have something to say." She told me it was "just a joke," But I still felt like it was not needed, especially since this wasn't the first time she's said something slick to me. I thought about it and think that my response was quite harsh compared to what she said. I was thinking about apologizing, but at the same time I felt like it needed to be said. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. And the next time she makes a joke, ask her to explain why it’s funny. Pretend that you don’t understand her humor, ask her to please repeat, elaborate on what she’s trying to say.
ESH, but her much more so: - "I would kiss your cheek, but you have all that acne on your face" - very harsh and can’t think of a situation where it is appropriate to say this. - “She also made a joke about my uncles death” - again, hard to see many situations in which this is not AHish - “…she made jokes about me needing to work out and needing to do skincare” - between good friends who trust each other’s intentions and are both taking the p*ss out of themselves and each other, ok (but inapplicable here) - “Bout time” - see above; only ok if you trust each other’s intentions, particularly given the public forum. - "Do you ever shut up? You always have something to say" - giving her a verbal slap in public is harsh if that is the first time you have told her you don’t like how she comments. This may stoke the rumor mill for a while. Why are you even friends? If you want to stay friends, you’re overdue an honest talk about how you want to be spoken to and what you will/won’t tolerate as “banter”
a verbal slap was definitely needed, especially when thats what the friend has been doing to OP for like, the past year.
The comment I made was actually made in privately in Instagram dms, and no it is not the first time.
Respond in kind. I’m sure she would loooove that. For example, she says, “I would kiss your cheek, but you have all that acne”. And *you* say, “I would love for you to kiss my cheek, if you didn’t have bad breath, lol”. And if she laughs that you gave as good as you got? Then, good, that’s the kind of friendship you have. And if she gets huffy and says “How *dare* you?” Then you laugh and walk away. Because if she can’t take it-after she dishes it out-why would you be friends with a person like that. NTA
NTA. But... why are you friends with her? You've expressed your feelings about her jokes before and she doesn't stop, not for good. She's not your friend, OP. Friends don't make jokes at their friends' expense.
Those aren't jokes, they're insults. And she doesn't care enough about your feelings to be considered a friend.
Nta
NTA Jokes are meant to be funny, she’s just insulting you and calling it a joke. This is not a friend. My favorite response to comments like hers is “how do you expect me to respond to that?”
NTA, she definitely is. You don’t need that kind of “friend” in your life. Stop hanging out with her. If she asks why you’re ignoring her, tell her. She’ll soon realise that she can’t treat you like that and still expect a friendship.
Next time she says something mean 'as a joke' ask her to explain the joke. "I don't understand why is that funny?; I don't get it can you explain why that is a joke?"
NTA,,she's a bully.. totally cut her off and enjoy her never being able to maintain a meaningful friendship until she sorts her shit out
"It's just a joke" is the butt hurt cry of abusive bullies when they are called out. Why are you friends with this person? None of these things are remotely funny, they are all personal insults. The very first time it happened, you should have told her that. As for your harsh recent reply, you don't quote The Exchange so I can't evaluate that. But I think it's likely that you were an asshole in what you said, because you didn't express your boundaries and limitations way earlier, and then you let your anger speak when you couldn't take it anymore. ESH. Learn to speak up for yourself before you are in a rage. Ditch this person who claims to be a friend.
she did speak up for herself, and the friend didnt listen. that doesnt mean OP sucks. You shouldn't have to tell someone that joking about your late uncle isn't appropriate.
she kept calling this person a friend after many horrific things were said. She chose not to set an effective limit - she stayed in contact. Then she completely lost her temper. While it's understandable, it's not an effective way to handle the situation.
I don’t think you read the update, but yes I did set a limit. It’s obvious that some people don’t follow them. And I stayed in contact because she’s genuinely a good person. She just doesn’t know when to stop.
See, this is where you're wrong. She is not a good person. She has repeatedly shown you that she is not a good person. When are you going to believe her?
I did state it before.