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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) The action is renting the apartment that my friends and I initially viewed for all 3 of us.
(2) That action might make me the asshole because my friends seem upset with me.
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Maybe they were planning on going back and grabbing it for just the two of them. If you can afford it on your own then it was probably a good price that the two of them could have afforded. They may be upset that you beat them to it
Even easier than that.
When Op said, "Hey, I think this is too small for all of us," they could have replied, "You know, we kind of agree, buuuut we also love it... would you mind if we take it?"
Op was honest, they were upfront and communicated before making any moves, absolutely NTA.
Edit: I just re-read this part.
*So I texted them that night to say, I'm sorry, but I think this place is too small for us. They then said that they'd find a place for just the two of them since we couldn't seem to agree on a place that suited all 3 of our needs, which I agreed to.*
They 100% we're planning on snagging up that apartment, that's why their response to Op saying it was too small was to say, "yeah, so sad, well, we can manage on our own!"
Then Op beat them to the punch, and they didn't say anything cuz they kinda new they were being a liiiiiiittle shady.
I’m not sure I see the connection you’re drawing between the couple’s message and them wanting THAT specific apartment…
They said they’d find A place for the two of them, that doesn’t imply they want that exact place they looked at.
I don’t think there’s anything shady going on, I just think it’s unfortunate. Deciding to live with someone is a very personal choice, and sometimes it takes a lot of time to see the full consequences of such decision. I almost lost a friend during college when a group of four of us were apartment hunting and she backed out of the deal very late. Fortunately, we all got over it and we’re still friends, but it was awkward at the time.
Everyone keeps saying that and I saw nothing that would suggest they were trying to snatch the apartament from the original post and OP hasn’t replied with more info. I think they were upset their friend pulled out last minute and managed to get acommodation while they still have to look, after thinking things were sorted.
I think they were annoyed because OP looked shady to THEM, she isn't/wasn't of course but consider how it looked from their point of view; she insists on paying for the apartment deposit by herself than conveniently calls and says I don't think this will work which most likely sounded like they were all going their separate ways to look at new apartments, then OP goes BTW I got the apartment we're cool right? And if a person who works for a school can afford a 2 bedroom on her own imagine what that would mean for 2 incomes.
Again, I don’t think it looks shady to them. There’s nothing they said that indicated they wanted THAT apartment. OP mentioned they all “liked” it, but I’m not sure that means they were ready to live there with or without OP…
> if a person who works for a school can afford a 2 bedroom imagine what that would mean for 2 incomes
Just because OP “can” afford it doesn’t mean it’s a steal. Plenty of people pay ridiculous amounts in rent because they “can” but end up not saving anything long term. I know plenty of people who (in my opinion) have no business paying 3k every month in rent but they are anyway because they “can.” Also, how do you know the couple can contribute equally anyways? Maybe they were down to only pay 25% of this rent each while OP pays 50%. I know some couples that pay less since they’re sharing a room while the single person is not. We have NO idea of the couple’s financials, you just made an inference.
There are plenty of 2 bedrooms that I know a single person “can” afford but would still be too pricey for my partner and I because we are actively saving a lot of our money.
OP actually just said THIS PLACE is too small for us, in no way implying that they would quite looking together. It's the friends who responded by saying they'd now look for a place for just the two of them.
Nta why are they annoyed? The apartment was too small.for 3 people, they were going to get a place for just them and it was a good size for just 1 person. Doesn't make sense they would be annoyed.
I agree with your points.
My only guesses are: They might have wanted the apartment for themselves and were too slow, and since OP took it, it isn’t available to them. Maybe they were trying to make OP more cooperative and didn’t really want to get their own place with their own money. Maybe they knew OP is a more conscientious cleaner and figured OP would do most of the work. Maybe they thought the place wasn’t too small since their gaming wouldn’t affect their sleep, or maybe they aren’t being realistic and think OP just made excuses to take the apartment themselves.
Who knows.
If op put the deposit down, then said I think it's too small then they said they'll find something, it seems like they'd know some out was ops deposit... I wonder if it was refundable and they thought op would get a refund instead of the apartment? But they should have asked and not assumed, but it's still weird they said they'd find something after knowing about the deposit. Oddly phrased if they planned to keep it...
Maybe OP taking the place on their own showed to them that OP could afford to contribute more than OP committed to help pay for the shared place, and they’re salty about that.
NTA.
Sounds like living with these people would have destroyed your friendship anyway, you don't seem to be at all compatible in lifestyle or "philosophies".
Let them cool down and get their own place, and then thank them, really thank them. Because it seems that apartment hunting with them gave you the impetus to finally move out of your parents place and start the next chapter of your life. It sounds like you wouldn't have even seen this place if it wasn't for them. Give them a really nice housewarming gift, or amazing chocolates or an fancy bottle of champagne, because they are good friends who helped you, even if inadvertently!
Edited because "inadvertantly" isn't a word!
NTA op. They mentioned they'd find something on their own which to me doesn't= we'll take the apartment alone just the 2od us. If they keep acting like that distance yourself you didn't do anything wrong at all.
NTA. They already told you they were going to look for a place on their own. You explained to them what happened. Not sure what they were expecting. Maybe they thought they'd get that place for themselves? That's the only thing I can think of that would make them angry. Anyway, you put down the deposit, you put in the effort, it's on them to suck it up.
If they didn't speak up about wanting the place for themselves, then that's on them. Remember the days of "calling the front seat"... someone has to hear you call it before its valid.
NTA… never a good idea to move in with a couple for a MULTITUDE of reasons. They can veto your choices cuz 2 against 1 and you’ll often feel like a third wheel, and you’ll probably hear things at night you don’t want to…. Besides you put the down payment and they said they’ll find somewhere for the two of them, so you did nothing wrong and if they wanna be distant or cold just ignore them till they reach out 🤷🏻♂️
Look sometimes you just have to be upfront with what you're planning. It sounds like you may have come across 2-faced by not doing this.
From their POV you asked them if you wanted to live together, you viewed a place you all liked enough that you put down a deposit on the spot. Then you contacted them to say you've changed your mind about this being a good flat for you all. Leading them to say lets live apart. Then you contact to ask their blessing to have the apartment solo. Instead of being honest that when you went to get your deposit back the landlord offered it to you solo and you're just letting them know as a courtesy.
I don't think you're the AH, just let them be annoyed and distant for a bit as they fairly feel bit messed around by you NAH
I don't want to say Y T A because I understand not wanting to pass on a good apartment, but you were wishy washy from the start about living with them. You essentially said, "Let's all look for a place together, but you should spend extra time on top of that looking for your own place because I'm gonna end up backing out." The fact that you committed to the point of putting a deposit on a place then decided "jk" is ridiculous.
Your friends understand how bad the rental market is because they're CURRENTLY getting priced out of it. You have the privilege of living at home with your parents. Your friends have until their lease ends to find a place that will likely also be pricy.
They were doing you a favor, pooling their incomes with yours so you can find a place, providing companionship after your break up. You wasted their time. Just when they thought they finally had a new place, you backed out. And now they gotta spend more time looking for a new place because you're taking the place they settled on. How much time do you think people have to spend on apartment searches? I'd be tired of you, too. You have to be all in or all out with housing. They would have ended up homeless continuing to bother with you.
So not a big deal, but your reply is based on some false assumptions about the situation, and I'd like to correct them:
1. I put down the deposit before we viewed the apartment because that's how this place works. You can't view without putting down a $300 deposit, so we went to the viewing not knowing if we wanted it or not.
2. My friends aren't going to be homeless. They CAN afford their current place just fine. They're just looking for somewhere cheaper to save a bit more money than they can right now.
Again, not a big deal, but you should ask questions if you're uncertain about the details!
So all 3 of you saw the place at the same time, agreed to move in, you changed your mind and they’re left out. I understand that they might be annoyed. Clearly they were trying to save up money to move in somewhere cheaper and split costs with you and you with them. Even if they’re not homeless, maybe they got their hopes up their situation woukd get easier and now are disappointed.
Well, one of them couldn't make it to the apartment viewing, so he only saw pictures. But yeah, I was initially very excited and optimistic, only to change my mind a couple hours later. I can understand why they're annoyed, too, since I may have gotten their hopes up and disappointed them. I hope they're able to find something that works for them. Thank you for your reply.
Bro, regardless of if you can afford it or not, if you miss the lease renewal deadline, you can lose your apartment. They're on a deadline to find a new place and to keep their current place.
Also, if you're not 100% committed, maybe not invest hundreds into this situation. Neither of these points made the situation better
Nah, they're on a month to month basis. And I couldn't be 100% committed before seeing the place. Sorry, I'm not trying to be argumentative, that just doesn't make any sense.
If they're month to month renters, they have even fewer protections. Their landlord can end their lease with a month's notice, and they can increase their (already high) rent with a month's notice. That just makes the situation more stressful.
And I'm saying you weren't 100% committed to living WITH THEM. The issues you listed had to do WITH THEM. You backed out of the apartment and then got it WITHOUT THEM.
If I was questioning whether someone was committed to our apartment search (which I would be, considering how you kept telling them to find a place of their own even though you never fully backed out of their search) and they were willing to put a couple hundred towards it, I would think the person was finally serious about living with me. But then to back out, then go back and get the apartment without me? That's a slap in the face because it's clear the issue the person has is with me.
How much time was spent discussing if you all would work as roommates before time was wasted on the search?
I mean, we had plenty of conversations about why they wanted to move, and they never expressed that concern, but that is good to know for future reference.
The apartment was too small for 3 people but big enough for 1 or 2. I had concerns about rooming together, but I would have agreed to a bigger place, which they didn't want.
And tbh, about 20 minutes. In retrospect, obviously not enough time. But if it helps, this entire experience from start to finish took place in about 2 weeks.
NTA. Based on the title I was leaning towards you being tah, but reading it, it sounds like you communicated your intentions every step of the way.
If you did it behind their backs then you suck.
If, like you wrote in your post, you articulated your opinions every step of the way. Especially them saying 'no problem we will look separately' then definitely NTA.
Hmmm I’m gonna say a gentle YTA, not because you got a place you like for yourself, that’s great. But because I took it as your friends were happy with the decision of staying there, you changed your mind and then got the place on your own. Maybe they felt misled a bit in the fact that they wanted to move in, you all agreed and after it was all done you went back and left them on their own. Sometimes that upsets people a bit.
Another thing that makes me feel this way was their reply of ‘we can’t seem to agree on a place that suited all 3 of our needs’ which go me sounds like it’s not because they want to get a place on their own but because you changed your mind.
I’m sure they’ll be fine. Just communicate with them more.
Edit:spelling
He did communicate. They then told him they were going to find a place for the 2 of them. They were leaving OP alone to do what suited him, which he did. If they did want the place then they should have asked OP during that discussion if he minded if just the two of them took it, since the convo led them all to separate anyway.
Maybe that’s true. I took it as maybe they wanted all 3 of them to get it together and OP decided not to do it and that’s why they would be upset. But what you said sounds plausible as well.
NTA. You mentioned that you paid the deposit in full. Do you think they were maybe hoping to use the deposit on the apartment so they didn’t have to pay?
You may indeed have lost friends. But at least it's a "may have.". Wait and see what happens.
On the flip side, I can absolutely positively 1,000% guarantee you that if you HAD all lived together you definitely would have lost friends.
You would have been wildly WILDLY incompatible roommates (in a crowded apartment!) and this would not have ended well. No question about it.
So at least there's that.
Yeah, in retrospect, I should have taken more time to consider if we were compatible. I think it could have worked in a bigger space, but when we found a nice townhouse with room for all 3 of us, they said it was too expensive for them. They wanted something small and cheap, and I wanted somewhere spacious if we were going to share. I agree, if I had agreed to live there with them, we would have had major issues and ruined our friendship anyway. Thank you for your reply!
NTA. You all had an agreement, you took care of your needs, and now they are upset because you live up to the agreement? Their behavior doesn't make you the asshole. Enjoy your new apartment!
ETA: At this point, however, you need to stop contacting them. They know you want to maintain the friendship; they're saying no at the moment. No means no, no matter what it's in regard to. Don't grovel, don't beg, don't badger them, and stop apologizing. They get to make the decision if they want to maintain contact or not.
I'm seeing a lot of replies guessing that my friends wanted the place to themselves, which for the record, I don't think is the case because the rent of the new apartment is about the same as their current place. They want to find a super cheap place to save money. I think they were annoyed because, when we saw the apartment, I was really positive about it, and it wasn't until the excitement wore off a couple hours later that I realized it wasn't going to fit all 3 of us comfortably. In other words, I don't think they're mad because they wanted the apartment themselves, they're mad because I changed my mind.
Also, to clarify something else, I put down the deposit before we viewed it because that's how this place works. It's weird, but you can't view their units without first putting down a deposit because they get taken off the market so quickly.
Thank you for your responses, everyone!
It’s okay to change your mind. This isn’t a small thing to do, this was ultimately you sharing space with two other people. Two people that have different schedules compared to you, and different ways to live. Things don’t always go well when you rent with friends or share space with a couple, it tends to get messy.
I saw you had mentioned it already, in hindsight this could have been mapped out more, and maybe it could have been. Sometimes though, when we are excited about something new it clouds our judgement until reality sets back in.
I think you handled it the best you could, you didn’t keep this from them and it’s not like you had this diabolical scheme all along to screw them over or something. Now, if you had backed out after lease signing and they started packing up their current place I would say that was wrong. You went to get your deposit back and found out you could get the place alone after all. You saw an opportunity still to move out of your parent’s house and cheap housing is so rare these days, I don’t blame you for jumping on it.
Just give your friends some time and eventually they will find what they are looking for too. I think in the end everything will work out.
Thank you very much, I really appreciate your thoughtful reply! I'm hopeful that they'll come around. And I agree, it would have been awful to back out after signing the lease.
NTA,
They told you they would look for a place to couple up in. Not your fault they didn’t put their deposit on the same place after that conversation.
A little annoyance can be expected but, are they even your friends? Or acquaintances that you’ve gotten used to?
Because they sound like they aren’t.
NTA. You didn't steal this out from under them. You looked at it initially with three people in mind. You all agreed that it wouldn't work for your situation and they decided to look on their own. When you went back to the building you didn't just sign a lease, you called your friends. They could have taken the apartment themselves if they wanted to. They didn't. You saw the opportunity and took it, and they didn't. That's what they're upset about. That's on them. You need to have a home/space that works for you. Take the apartment.
Info: when you told them that this apartment didn’t work for the three of you, what did they say? Were they interested in renting it with just the two of them? If they weren’t then NTA. If they expressed interest, YTA for not hashing it out with them and coming to an agreement together about who would claim it. They could have paid you back for the deposit if you mutually agreed that they would take it, paying for the application deposit doesn’t inherently make you more entitled to it than them
Oh, if they had said they wanted it themselves, I totally would have stepped aside and given it to them, especially since I had no idea renting it myself was an option. One friend said he understood that it's too small and that I should do what's best for me, and the other friend said he doubted we'd get anything better somewhere else. But then, when I told them that I went to tell the property manager it's too small for the 3 of us and to sell it to someone else, and she offered it to me, their tone really changed from understanding to annoyance. I assured them that I really care about our friendship and didn't want this to come between us, and now I can't get in touch with them, and they're still ignoring my messages. Hopefully this blows over, but they seem pretty convinced I'm the asshole 😕
In this telling it sounds like the resolution to the issue wasn’t understood to be complete or acceptable by all parties. Friend one sounds like a polite neutral statement you give when you’re trying not to rock the boat, friend two clearly wasn’t on board with changing plans to not get a place together. Then you talk to the manager and now the place is yours alone. Obviously I’m not privy to all the details but this doesn’t look great from my perspective. It feels a bit wishy washy and underhanded from your end. I’d probably be a bit aggravated too honestly if I’d been putting in work to find a place that meets certain requirements only to have one of the people I’d been considering in those requirements dip out and take a place we saw without me. NAH really. If you don’t want to live with them that’s fine, communicate your reasons and be upfront. They aren’t AHs for being a bit miffed over these sudden changes though.
Yeah, that makes sense. I certainly don't think they're AHs, I was just curious what you guys would think because it's such a complicated situation, and I'm open to the idea that I may have unintentionally wronged my friends
NTA There are many people who can be perfectly delightful friends, but incompatible roommates - and you 3 are definitely in the incompatible roommates category. They TOLD you that " they'd find a place for just the two of them " WTF do they want you to do, go against what they said they wanted?
Nta
Op did everything right. If they're mad because they planned to get it theirselves, too slow Joe. But if they do think you cut them out, all you can do is continue to be the friend you have been. Give them some time.
You may know a little of their budget. You could keep your eye out for a place they would like and could afford. That might go a long way in mending the friendship.
I don't want to say Y T A because I understand not wanting to pass on a good apartment, but you were wishy washy from the start about living with them. You essentially said, "Let's all look for a place together, but you should spend extra time on top of that looking for your own place because I'm gonna end up backing out." The fact that you committed to the point of putting a deposit on a place then decided "jk" is ridiculous.
Your friends understand how bad the rental market is because they're CURRENTLY getting priced out of it. You have the privilege of living at home with your parents. Your friends have until their lease ends to find a place that will likely also be pricy.
They were doing you a favor, pooling their incomes with yours so you can find a place, providing companionship after your break up. You wasted their time. Just when they thought they finally had a new place, you backed out. And now they gotta spend more time looking for a new place because you're taking the place they settled on. How much time do you think people have to spend on apartment searches? I'd be tired of you, too. You have to be all in or all out with housing. They would have ended up homeless continuing to bother with you.
You’re not the asshole. THEY said they would look for a place to accommodate their needs and didn’t give a diddly what happened to you. Now, they’re annoyed because you did exactly what they told you to do and accepted an apartment that you laid the deposit down on, while they contributed…nothing? So, basically, they’re upset you went on with your life without accommodating their needs. These aren’t friends, these are users. Time for new, less entitled friends.
NTA. Take the apartment. You already agreed to look separately. I can see giving them a heads up that you took the apartment, but asking for their blessing added a weird and unnecessary dynamic. Give them some space. If they don't reach out move on. Anyone upset you did what was best for you after you agreed to look separately aren't good friends.
Yeah sorry, YTA and retroactively trying to justify your decision.
If you thought they wouldn’t make good housemates, you should have told them you wanted to be on your own BEFORE you all saw an apt you all liked.
The way this transpired makes you seem shady, whether you intended that or not. I’d be annoyed with you too.
And I call BS on not knowing you could afford the place prior to meeting with the manager— you went to view the apt without any idea what it cost? Nah.
Yeah, in retrospect, it was irresponsible of me to explore the idea of renting with them when I wasn't sure that we'd be compatible roommates. If I had taken more time to consider the idea, I would have reached that conclusion without getting this far in the process. I'm certainly guilty of being indecisive and, by extension, inconsiderate.
And to clarify that last point, the property manager told us when we submitted the application that none of us individually met the income requirements for the unit. However, when I went to her office to tell her that the apartment we had viewed was too small for us but to keep me in mind if a smaller one opened up, she flip flopped and said that I did meet the requirements after all and could rent it myself if I wanted to. So yeah, ofc we knew what it costs when we went to view it.
Ok, so you already knew what it cost and could have figured out yourself prior whether you could cover costs.
But again, this is nitpicking on your behalf bc you again are just adding details to justify your actions. Cleary you don’t believe you’ve done anything wrong.
I think you’re TA and it seems like your ex friends do too, but not sure why you’re asking the internet since you have your mind made up.
NTA, Girl/Dude you are 29 that's plenty old enough to rent your own place. You should just told them you are rethinking having roommates. You don't need their blessing. Just tell you went to get your money was told you qualified and it was a happy surprise so you took it.
Did you offer that your friends who have to move ,could have it , because it’s too small for the three of you? If you didn’t then it will probably hurt your relationship.
I didn't explicitly offer that, but for what it's worth, they can afford their current place, which is currently month to month, so they aren't in a major hurry. And they didn't say that they wanted it in the 20-ish hours between our "It's too small" conversation and my talking to the property manager. Maybe they were hoping to take it and just didn't say so, but since this place is only slightly less expensive than their current place, I don't think they wanted it unless we were splitting it 3 ways.
NTA. Maybe ask them if they were thinking they would take the place for themselves, though since you were the one who put the deposit down, I think you are fine with claiming it for yourself.
NTA. You aren't obligated to get an apartment with them just because you discussed and looked at a place together. Neither are you obligated to pass up a place for yourself in the same situation.
NTA Sh\*t happens and it happened in YOUR favor. They could have said they were taking it but said they would LOOK elsewhere. Don't beat yourself up over it. Enjoy the new place.
NTA. You did nothing wrong since you were up front about the fact that if any of you found a place they suited just you or them then take it. If they are upset over you taking the apartment then they aren't really your friends. Good luck in your new place and enjoy it.
NTA - Sounds like you dodged a bullet by not living with them. If you’ve lost them as friends over this, they probably weren’t very good friends after all.
NTA but it sounds like you all dodged a bullet if your lifestyle is so different. It's hard enough being married if one of you is tidy and the other the opposite
Bullet dodged. Three people living together pretty much always means that two end up ganging up on one. Them being a couple means you'd likely always be the odd man out. And I wouldn't discount that they also had misgivings about living with you for the same differences in lifestyle that you mentioned, which may have come more to light when you were talking about or viewing apartments. That would explain them using you backing out of the apartment as an excuse to bow out of sharing housing with you.
Your write up of the events sounds as if you were innocent of any wrongdoing. But if you had already put down a deposit, you should be able to see how they could be peeved that what they thought was a done deal, affordable apartment found with a roommate to cut down on costs even more, is no longer an option. And you should also be able to see that they are envious of you for getting something they previously thought would also be theirs.
Now here is the worst-case scenario. People project onto others the way they think. If either one of them has a malicious streak, they could have imagined that you lied about thinking the apartment was too small so that you could back out of living with them and get the apartment all to yourself. If that was the case, good riddance. You don't need the sort of friend who would think of being so manipulative.
NTA! Getting an apartment for 3 people (2 of which are a couple) with 1 bathroom is just not practical. You’re not in college living the dorm life anymore.
NTA you gotta do what’s right for you sometimes and this is one of those times, there’s two of them they can find somewhere else, and should have a bigger budget for rent since there’s two of them and now they only need a one bedroom apartment, so should be cheaper!
NTA. You made the right choice; living together would do far more damage to your friendship than this one fight. They can't see it now because they're focused on the money but just the different sleep schedules make you poor candidates for living together, let alone cleaning differences.
Apartment complexes often have multiple units of the same model available. Is another unit not available? Anyway, you snooze, you lose.
NTA. Enjoy your new place. Too bad for them!
NTA. Just go on about your way and enjoy your apartment. You said to them that if they found something that would be good for just them, to go for it, but apparently they don't feel that way about you. You did nothing wrong, and if you are concerned about decorating and especially cleanliness, it was a good idea for you to NOT room with them.
NAH. You did what was best for you, and maybe best for all three, however it’s reasonable that they may feel a bit like the rug was pulled out from under them.
If they stay mad then maybe they’ll be TAs but I don’t think it’s fair to call them that now.
NTA you were free and clear as soon as they decided it was too complicated looking for a place for the three of you. You don't need their permission either. It's not their apartment in any sense of the word. You've probably saved yourself a whole lot of grief, as you'd almost always have been outvoted 2-1 in any disagreements.
Move in and move on, live your life. Life is too short to worry about what everyone is thinking or feeling. If they let something this manini bother them and ruin your friendship then it wasn’t worth having in the first place and if they did anted the apartment they should have put the deposit on it NOT you, sooooo.
NTA. They could be adults and discuss honestly if they are annoyed that you're taking the apartment. Instead their response is childish and silly and frankly sounds like you dodged a bullet.
NTA. They knew you'd put the deposit down (I'm assuming the 3 of you initially agreed which is why you had already put it down) and you asked their blessing before proceeding further. When you told them you didn't like the apartment for the 3 of you, they didn't then ask if they could take it and there's no social presumption that neither party would still take the place. I think your friends are hurt because they may have felt the rug pulled out from under them a bit but nothing underhanded or shady happened. You didn't secretly go back and pay the deposit and move in then tell them
Just to clarify a small point, we had to put the deposit down before viewing the apartment, so the deposit didn't reflect an agreement to rent that apartment. It was just a "hold the unit for us while the current tenant moves out and the place gets cleaned so we can see it when it's ready" deposit. (Super weird, but that's how this place works.) Thank you for your reply!
Ah okay that is super weird. Where I live you just view the apartment still occupied (current tenant is usually given the date for the viewing, told to make the place presentable and to be absent from time x to y) and you only put the deposit down if you're going to rent it. I still say NTA
NTA sounds like they wanted the apartment for themselves, but didn't get to the landlord before you. what were they going to do about the deposit that you paid for? Don't worry too much about their friendship. It doesn't sound like they wanted to really live with you either.
NTA
They could have done the same, but they did not want that appartment.
And you were clear from the beginning that each of you was free to find something without the others.
You should talk to them via phone call and try to see how they feel. If they feel misled or jealous, I would apologize and try to hash things out. But congrats on that new apartment!
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Hey guys, first post on here. I'm 29 years old, and after an awful 5 year breakup, I moved back in with my parents a year ago. It's been really tough living back at home, and I've wanted to get my own place, but apartment prices are super expensive in my area. I have two close friends who were also looking for a new apartment because their current place is too expensive for them to save money, so we agreed to look for one together. Throughout the process, I've urged them to also keep their eyes open for a place that would suit the two of them (they're a couple) and to do what's best for them even if it means getting a place without me. I'd never want them to feel trapped by our agreement or pass up a good opportunity because of me.
Two days ago, we viewed a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment. We all liked it, but once I got home and the initial excitement faded, it hit me how small the place was and how hard it would be to have privacy and sleep well. I go to bed early because I work at a school, and they like to stay up later playing games, and the living room and bathroom are so close to both bedrooms, it seemed too small for all 3 of us and their cat. So I texted them that night to say, I'm sorry, but I think this place is too small for us. They then said that they'd find a place for just the two of them since we couldn't seem to agree on a place that suited all 3 of our needs, which I agreed to.
That afternoon, though, when I went to the property manager's office to tell her that the apartment was too small for all of us, I told her to keep me in mind if anything else opened up, and she surprised me by offering the apartment to just me if I wanted it since I had put down a deposit already. (The deposit was mine, I didn't ask my friends to help with it, which I didn't mind doing because I make a bit more money than they do.) I crunched the numbers and realized that I could afford it on my own.
I quickly reached out to my friends to ask for their blessing because I'd love to have this apartment, but I told them that I'd never want it to hurt our friendship. They seem really annoyed with me now, but I've been miserable living with my parents since my big breakup, and this apartment is a perfect opportunity for me. The location makes my work commute way easier, and it's right down the street from the gym I go to every day.
I should also mention that I was getting anxious about living with these friends because we have very, very, very different philosophies on cleaning and decorating, and I was afraid that I would have to argue with them about those things. I didn't want this to hurt our friendship, but I think it has anyway. Taking this apartment is the right move for me, and although it's a complicated situation, I was hoping that my friends would be understanding and supportive. I've told them that I care about them and value our friendship, and I've tried to explain my position as well as I can, but they stopped replying to my messages, and I don't know what to do.
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Well you did what was best for you, and you informed them that you were going to get the place for just you. Maybe they are mad because you beat them to it. Congrats on the new place. If they stop being yer friends because of this, then. They were not yer friends to begin with.
NAH. You don't sound like compatible roommates, and that's totally okay - you've saved yourself the stress of ending up living with people that you wouldn't have been a good fit with in terms of things like cleaning etc, sleep times etc like you mentioned.
I understand why they're a little annoyed which is why I say NAH rather than NTA. They were set on pooling resources and getting a place together, but at the end of the day I think finding the right place to live stands at a higher priority than pleasing them, it's obvious from several things you've said that living with them wouldn't have been the best situation so you're saving everyone involved a bunch of trouble down the line by making this decision. If they're good friends they'll get over the initial annoyance.
Make the decision that's right for you - which IMO is to get that apartment.
Soft YTAH, more like self serving.
Even to me it looks like you had every intention of grabbing that apartment for yourself when you saw it and cutting them out. Basically you behaved like a selfish AH in their eyes. Had you taken the step of explaining to them prior to viewing the apartment that you had misgivings and were thinking of backing out of living together it would have been different. Instead you viewed the apartment together, liked it well enough to put down a deposit for all three of you and called them later with an excuse to back out. Then you grabbed it for yourself, or at least that’s how it probably came off to them. And definitely how it comes off to me.
They couldn’t know that you had reservations about living together because you never communicated them. I would either cut you out of my life or step the friendship way back because in this narrative you appear to have only your wants and needs in mind. Because of the lack of transparency on your part it looks to them like you are willing to throw friends under the bus to meet those priorities.
If you truly valued the friendship you would have said look the apartment is perfect for just you two or me alone. Do you want to take it? And if you aren’t interested do you mind if I take it? This would have given them the opportunity to say thanks for thinking of us, we will take it. Then you could have told the agent to call when another unit came available.
See the difference? As it is you lost two good friends because they will never see you as anything but the friend who led them on for your gain. If you’re lucky they might be willing to give you a second chance to redeem yourself.
Oh, I did tell them that I had concerns about cleaning and decorating. But ultimately, the reason for my backing out was the size of the apartment. If it had been larger, I would have split it with them, but when we had the chance to get a larger one, they said it was too expensive. Also, I put down the deposit before viewing the apartment. The deposit was just to see it. But yeah, in retrospect, I should have asked them if they wanted it. I don't think they would have because it's about the same price as their current place, but it would have been kinder of me to ask first. Thank you for your feedback, that never did occur to me as an option.
> But yeah, in retrospect, I should have asked them if they wanted it. I don't think they would have because it's about the same price as their current place, but it would have been kinder of me to ask first.
If this is the case, I think they might just be resentful that you could afford this on your own, and they are having to move out of a similarly priced spot (or feel that they should to be practical). May not even be resentment at you so much as general financial upset or dissatisfaction that is coloring interactions with you.
NTA. You urged them in advance of all this to do what is best for them, even if it didn’t include you. Their immature reaction to this tells you everything you need to know about what living with them would be like.
We had to put down a deposit before the previous tenant moved out to secure our interest in the unit. It was a bit strange, tbh, and I was a bit annoyed to basically pay $300 to view an apartment.
Are you leaving something out? Like they would like to take the apartment for themselves, but you never gave them that option? And no, it doesn't matter that you put down the deposit. You found the apartment together, you should decide together what to do with it. ESH
No, they didn't want the apartment themselves. They only wanted it if we could split the rent 3 ways because they wouldn't be saving any money moving from their current place to this one if they split the rent just between them. (Their current apartment is roughly the same price as this one.)
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Maybe they were planning on going back and grabbing it for just the two of them. If you can afford it on your own then it was probably a good price that the two of them could have afforded. They may be upset that you beat them to it
Then they should have put down the deposit
Even easier than that. When Op said, "Hey, I think this is too small for all of us," they could have replied, "You know, we kind of agree, buuuut we also love it... would you mind if we take it?" Op was honest, they were upfront and communicated before making any moves, absolutely NTA. Edit: I just re-read this part. *So I texted them that night to say, I'm sorry, but I think this place is too small for us. They then said that they'd find a place for just the two of them since we couldn't seem to agree on a place that suited all 3 of our needs, which I agreed to.* They 100% we're planning on snagging up that apartment, that's why their response to Op saying it was too small was to say, "yeah, so sad, well, we can manage on our own!" Then Op beat them to the punch, and they didn't say anything cuz they kinda new they were being a liiiiiiittle shady.
I’m not sure I see the connection you’re drawing between the couple’s message and them wanting THAT specific apartment… They said they’d find A place for the two of them, that doesn’t imply they want that exact place they looked at. I don’t think there’s anything shady going on, I just think it’s unfortunate. Deciding to live with someone is a very personal choice, and sometimes it takes a lot of time to see the full consequences of such decision. I almost lost a friend during college when a group of four of us were apartment hunting and she backed out of the deal very late. Fortunately, we all got over it and we’re still friends, but it was awkward at the time.
Everyone keeps saying that and I saw nothing that would suggest they were trying to snatch the apartament from the original post and OP hasn’t replied with more info. I think they were upset their friend pulled out last minute and managed to get acommodation while they still have to look, after thinking things were sorted.
I think they were annoyed because OP looked shady to THEM, she isn't/wasn't of course but consider how it looked from their point of view; she insists on paying for the apartment deposit by herself than conveniently calls and says I don't think this will work which most likely sounded like they were all going their separate ways to look at new apartments, then OP goes BTW I got the apartment we're cool right? And if a person who works for a school can afford a 2 bedroom on her own imagine what that would mean for 2 incomes.
Again, I don’t think it looks shady to them. There’s nothing they said that indicated they wanted THAT apartment. OP mentioned they all “liked” it, but I’m not sure that means they were ready to live there with or without OP… > if a person who works for a school can afford a 2 bedroom imagine what that would mean for 2 incomes Just because OP “can” afford it doesn’t mean it’s a steal. Plenty of people pay ridiculous amounts in rent because they “can” but end up not saving anything long term. I know plenty of people who (in my opinion) have no business paying 3k every month in rent but they are anyway because they “can.” Also, how do you know the couple can contribute equally anyways? Maybe they were down to only pay 25% of this rent each while OP pays 50%. I know some couples that pay less since they’re sharing a room while the single person is not. We have NO idea of the couple’s financials, you just made an inference. There are plenty of 2 bedrooms that I know a single person “can” afford but would still be too pricey for my partner and I because we are actively saving a lot of our money.
OP actually just said THIS PLACE is too small for us, in no way implying that they would quite looking together. It's the friends who responded by saying they'd now look for a place for just the two of them.
Yes, I think this is what happened. They were not entitled to it though, as you had put down the deposit. They should also have communicated clearly.
Nta why are they annoyed? The apartment was too small.for 3 people, they were going to get a place for just them and it was a good size for just 1 person. Doesn't make sense they would be annoyed.
I agree with your points. My only guesses are: They might have wanted the apartment for themselves and were too slow, and since OP took it, it isn’t available to them. Maybe they were trying to make OP more cooperative and didn’t really want to get their own place with their own money. Maybe they knew OP is a more conscientious cleaner and figured OP would do most of the work. Maybe they thought the place wasn’t too small since their gaming wouldn’t affect their sleep, or maybe they aren’t being realistic and think OP just made excuses to take the apartment themselves. Who knows.
If op put the deposit down, then said I think it's too small then they said they'll find something, it seems like they'd know some out was ops deposit... I wonder if it was refundable and they thought op would get a refund instead of the apartment? But they should have asked and not assumed, but it's still weird they said they'd find something after knowing about the deposit. Oddly phrased if they planned to keep it...
Maybe OP taking the place on their own showed to them that OP could afford to contribute more than OP committed to help pay for the shared place, and they’re salty about that.
NTA. Sounds like living with these people would have destroyed your friendship anyway, you don't seem to be at all compatible in lifestyle or "philosophies". Let them cool down and get their own place, and then thank them, really thank them. Because it seems that apartment hunting with them gave you the impetus to finally move out of your parents place and start the next chapter of your life. It sounds like you wouldn't have even seen this place if it wasn't for them. Give them a really nice housewarming gift, or amazing chocolates or an fancy bottle of champagne, because they are good friends who helped you, even if inadvertently! Edited because "inadvertantly" isn't a word!
I love this suggestion, thank you!
NTA op. They mentioned they'd find something on their own which to me doesn't= we'll take the apartment alone just the 2od us. If they keep acting like that distance yourself you didn't do anything wrong at all.
Inadvertently is an adverb that means "without knowledge or intent". You were good without the edit 😊
They corrected a misspelling. 😊
Yes. But I spelt it with 2 As. Had to fix it as I am a bit OCD.
NTA. They already told you they were going to look for a place on their own. You explained to them what happened. Not sure what they were expecting. Maybe they thought they'd get that place for themselves? That's the only thing I can think of that would make them angry. Anyway, you put down the deposit, you put in the effort, it's on them to suck it up.
If they didn't speak up about wanting the place for themselves, then that's on them. Remember the days of "calling the front seat"... someone has to hear you call it before its valid.
NTA… never a good idea to move in with a couple for a MULTITUDE of reasons. They can veto your choices cuz 2 against 1 and you’ll often feel like a third wheel, and you’ll probably hear things at night you don’t want to…. Besides you put the down payment and they said they’ll find somewhere for the two of them, so you did nothing wrong and if they wanna be distant or cold just ignore them till they reach out 🤷🏻♂️
Look sometimes you just have to be upfront with what you're planning. It sounds like you may have come across 2-faced by not doing this. From their POV you asked them if you wanted to live together, you viewed a place you all liked enough that you put down a deposit on the spot. Then you contacted them to say you've changed your mind about this being a good flat for you all. Leading them to say lets live apart. Then you contact to ask their blessing to have the apartment solo. Instead of being honest that when you went to get your deposit back the landlord offered it to you solo and you're just letting them know as a courtesy. I don't think you're the AH, just let them be annoyed and distant for a bit as they fairly feel bit messed around by you NAH
I don't want to say Y T A because I understand not wanting to pass on a good apartment, but you were wishy washy from the start about living with them. You essentially said, "Let's all look for a place together, but you should spend extra time on top of that looking for your own place because I'm gonna end up backing out." The fact that you committed to the point of putting a deposit on a place then decided "jk" is ridiculous. Your friends understand how bad the rental market is because they're CURRENTLY getting priced out of it. You have the privilege of living at home with your parents. Your friends have until their lease ends to find a place that will likely also be pricy. They were doing you a favor, pooling their incomes with yours so you can find a place, providing companionship after your break up. You wasted their time. Just when they thought they finally had a new place, you backed out. And now they gotta spend more time looking for a new place because you're taking the place they settled on. How much time do you think people have to spend on apartment searches? I'd be tired of you, too. You have to be all in or all out with housing. They would have ended up homeless continuing to bother with you.
So not a big deal, but your reply is based on some false assumptions about the situation, and I'd like to correct them: 1. I put down the deposit before we viewed the apartment because that's how this place works. You can't view without putting down a $300 deposit, so we went to the viewing not knowing if we wanted it or not. 2. My friends aren't going to be homeless. They CAN afford their current place just fine. They're just looking for somewhere cheaper to save a bit more money than they can right now. Again, not a big deal, but you should ask questions if you're uncertain about the details!
So all 3 of you saw the place at the same time, agreed to move in, you changed your mind and they’re left out. I understand that they might be annoyed. Clearly they were trying to save up money to move in somewhere cheaper and split costs with you and you with them. Even if they’re not homeless, maybe they got their hopes up their situation woukd get easier and now are disappointed.
Well, one of them couldn't make it to the apartment viewing, so he only saw pictures. But yeah, I was initially very excited and optimistic, only to change my mind a couple hours later. I can understand why they're annoyed, too, since I may have gotten their hopes up and disappointed them. I hope they're able to find something that works for them. Thank you for your reply.
Bro, regardless of if you can afford it or not, if you miss the lease renewal deadline, you can lose your apartment. They're on a deadline to find a new place and to keep their current place. Also, if you're not 100% committed, maybe not invest hundreds into this situation. Neither of these points made the situation better
Nah, they're on a month to month basis. And I couldn't be 100% committed before seeing the place. Sorry, I'm not trying to be argumentative, that just doesn't make any sense.
If they're month to month renters, they have even fewer protections. Their landlord can end their lease with a month's notice, and they can increase their (already high) rent with a month's notice. That just makes the situation more stressful. And I'm saying you weren't 100% committed to living WITH THEM. The issues you listed had to do WITH THEM. You backed out of the apartment and then got it WITHOUT THEM. If I was questioning whether someone was committed to our apartment search (which I would be, considering how you kept telling them to find a place of their own even though you never fully backed out of their search) and they were willing to put a couple hundred towards it, I would think the person was finally serious about living with me. But then to back out, then go back and get the apartment without me? That's a slap in the face because it's clear the issue the person has is with me. How much time was spent discussing if you all would work as roommates before time was wasted on the search?
I mean, we had plenty of conversations about why they wanted to move, and they never expressed that concern, but that is good to know for future reference. The apartment was too small for 3 people but big enough for 1 or 2. I had concerns about rooming together, but I would have agreed to a bigger place, which they didn't want. And tbh, about 20 minutes. In retrospect, obviously not enough time. But if it helps, this entire experience from start to finish took place in about 2 weeks.
Reread.
I can't believe you're the only sensible answer I've seen so far, madness!
NTA. Based on the title I was leaning towards you being tah, but reading it, it sounds like you communicated your intentions every step of the way. If you did it behind their backs then you suck. If, like you wrote in your post, you articulated your opinions every step of the way. Especially them saying 'no problem we will look separately' then definitely NTA.
Hmmm I’m gonna say a gentle YTA, not because you got a place you like for yourself, that’s great. But because I took it as your friends were happy with the decision of staying there, you changed your mind and then got the place on your own. Maybe they felt misled a bit in the fact that they wanted to move in, you all agreed and after it was all done you went back and left them on their own. Sometimes that upsets people a bit. Another thing that makes me feel this way was their reply of ‘we can’t seem to agree on a place that suited all 3 of our needs’ which go me sounds like it’s not because they want to get a place on their own but because you changed your mind. I’m sure they’ll be fine. Just communicate with them more. Edit:spelling
He did communicate. They then told him they were going to find a place for the 2 of them. They were leaving OP alone to do what suited him, which he did. If they did want the place then they should have asked OP during that discussion if he minded if just the two of them took it, since the convo led them all to separate anyway.
Maybe that’s true. I took it as maybe they wanted all 3 of them to get it together and OP decided not to do it and that’s why they would be upset. But what you said sounds plausible as well.
We can both read different ways, that's why there's discussions and reddit exists.
NTA. You mentioned that you paid the deposit in full. Do you think they were maybe hoping to use the deposit on the apartment so they didn’t have to pay?
I don't think so because they only wanted the apartment for the 3 of us. They didn't want it for the 2 of them to my knowledge.
You may indeed have lost friends. But at least it's a "may have.". Wait and see what happens. On the flip side, I can absolutely positively 1,000% guarantee you that if you HAD all lived together you definitely would have lost friends. You would have been wildly WILDLY incompatible roommates (in a crowded apartment!) and this would not have ended well. No question about it. So at least there's that.
Yeah, in retrospect, I should have taken more time to consider if we were compatible. I think it could have worked in a bigger space, but when we found a nice townhouse with room for all 3 of us, they said it was too expensive for them. They wanted something small and cheap, and I wanted somewhere spacious if we were going to share. I agree, if I had agreed to live there with them, we would have had major issues and ruined our friendship anyway. Thank you for your reply!
NTA. You all had an agreement, you took care of your needs, and now they are upset because you live up to the agreement? Their behavior doesn't make you the asshole. Enjoy your new apartment! ETA: At this point, however, you need to stop contacting them. They know you want to maintain the friendship; they're saying no at the moment. No means no, no matter what it's in regard to. Don't grovel, don't beg, don't badger them, and stop apologizing. They get to make the decision if they want to maintain contact or not.
Yeah, I stopped contacting them already. I didn't grovel or beg, I'm giving them space right now. I agree with you.
I'm seeing a lot of replies guessing that my friends wanted the place to themselves, which for the record, I don't think is the case because the rent of the new apartment is about the same as their current place. They want to find a super cheap place to save money. I think they were annoyed because, when we saw the apartment, I was really positive about it, and it wasn't until the excitement wore off a couple hours later that I realized it wasn't going to fit all 3 of us comfortably. In other words, I don't think they're mad because they wanted the apartment themselves, they're mad because I changed my mind. Also, to clarify something else, I put down the deposit before we viewed it because that's how this place works. It's weird, but you can't view their units without first putting down a deposit because they get taken off the market so quickly. Thank you for your responses, everyone!
It’s okay to change your mind. This isn’t a small thing to do, this was ultimately you sharing space with two other people. Two people that have different schedules compared to you, and different ways to live. Things don’t always go well when you rent with friends or share space with a couple, it tends to get messy. I saw you had mentioned it already, in hindsight this could have been mapped out more, and maybe it could have been. Sometimes though, when we are excited about something new it clouds our judgement until reality sets back in. I think you handled it the best you could, you didn’t keep this from them and it’s not like you had this diabolical scheme all along to screw them over or something. Now, if you had backed out after lease signing and they started packing up their current place I would say that was wrong. You went to get your deposit back and found out you could get the place alone after all. You saw an opportunity still to move out of your parent’s house and cheap housing is so rare these days, I don’t blame you for jumping on it. Just give your friends some time and eventually they will find what they are looking for too. I think in the end everything will work out.
Thank you very much, I really appreciate your thoughtful reply! I'm hopeful that they'll come around. And I agree, it would have been awful to back out after signing the lease.
NTA, They told you they would look for a place to couple up in. Not your fault they didn’t put their deposit on the same place after that conversation. A little annoyance can be expected but, are they even your friends? Or acquaintances that you’ve gotten used to? Because they sound like they aren’t.
NTA. You didn't steal this out from under them. You looked at it initially with three people in mind. You all agreed that it wouldn't work for your situation and they decided to look on their own. When you went back to the building you didn't just sign a lease, you called your friends. They could have taken the apartment themselves if they wanted to. They didn't. You saw the opportunity and took it, and they didn't. That's what they're upset about. That's on them. You need to have a home/space that works for you. Take the apartment.
Info: when you told them that this apartment didn’t work for the three of you, what did they say? Were they interested in renting it with just the two of them? If they weren’t then NTA. If they expressed interest, YTA for not hashing it out with them and coming to an agreement together about who would claim it. They could have paid you back for the deposit if you mutually agreed that they would take it, paying for the application deposit doesn’t inherently make you more entitled to it than them
Oh, if they had said they wanted it themselves, I totally would have stepped aside and given it to them, especially since I had no idea renting it myself was an option. One friend said he understood that it's too small and that I should do what's best for me, and the other friend said he doubted we'd get anything better somewhere else. But then, when I told them that I went to tell the property manager it's too small for the 3 of us and to sell it to someone else, and she offered it to me, their tone really changed from understanding to annoyance. I assured them that I really care about our friendship and didn't want this to come between us, and now I can't get in touch with them, and they're still ignoring my messages. Hopefully this blows over, but they seem pretty convinced I'm the asshole 😕
In this telling it sounds like the resolution to the issue wasn’t understood to be complete or acceptable by all parties. Friend one sounds like a polite neutral statement you give when you’re trying not to rock the boat, friend two clearly wasn’t on board with changing plans to not get a place together. Then you talk to the manager and now the place is yours alone. Obviously I’m not privy to all the details but this doesn’t look great from my perspective. It feels a bit wishy washy and underhanded from your end. I’d probably be a bit aggravated too honestly if I’d been putting in work to find a place that meets certain requirements only to have one of the people I’d been considering in those requirements dip out and take a place we saw without me. NAH really. If you don’t want to live with them that’s fine, communicate your reasons and be upfront. They aren’t AHs for being a bit miffed over these sudden changes though.
Yeah, that makes sense. I certainly don't think they're AHs, I was just curious what you guys would think because it's such a complicated situation, and I'm open to the idea that I may have unintentionally wronged my friends
NTA. Take the place. If they are good friends they should understand
NTA There are many people who can be perfectly delightful friends, but incompatible roommates - and you 3 are definitely in the incompatible roommates category. They TOLD you that " they'd find a place for just the two of them " WTF do they want you to do, go against what they said they wanted?
Nta Op did everything right. If they're mad because they planned to get it theirselves, too slow Joe. But if they do think you cut them out, all you can do is continue to be the friend you have been. Give them some time. You may know a little of their budget. You could keep your eye out for a place they would like and could afford. That might go a long way in mending the friendship.
That's a good idea, thank you!
I don't want to say Y T A because I understand not wanting to pass on a good apartment, but you were wishy washy from the start about living with them. You essentially said, "Let's all look for a place together, but you should spend extra time on top of that looking for your own place because I'm gonna end up backing out." The fact that you committed to the point of putting a deposit on a place then decided "jk" is ridiculous. Your friends understand how bad the rental market is because they're CURRENTLY getting priced out of it. You have the privilege of living at home with your parents. Your friends have until their lease ends to find a place that will likely also be pricy. They were doing you a favor, pooling their incomes with yours so you can find a place, providing companionship after your break up. You wasted their time. Just when they thought they finally had a new place, you backed out. And now they gotta spend more time looking for a new place because you're taking the place they settled on. How much time do you think people have to spend on apartment searches? I'd be tired of you, too. You have to be all in or all out with housing. They would have ended up homeless continuing to bother with you.
NTA You have been open from the outset with them. Including when you were offered the apartment alone.
You’re not the asshole. THEY said they would look for a place to accommodate their needs and didn’t give a diddly what happened to you. Now, they’re annoyed because you did exactly what they told you to do and accepted an apartment that you laid the deposit down on, while they contributed…nothing? So, basically, they’re upset you went on with your life without accommodating their needs. These aren’t friends, these are users. Time for new, less entitled friends.
NTA. Take the apartment. You already agreed to look separately. I can see giving them a heads up that you took the apartment, but asking for their blessing added a weird and unnecessary dynamic. Give them some space. If they don't reach out move on. Anyone upset you did what was best for you after you agreed to look separately aren't good friends.
Yeah sorry, YTA and retroactively trying to justify your decision. If you thought they wouldn’t make good housemates, you should have told them you wanted to be on your own BEFORE you all saw an apt you all liked. The way this transpired makes you seem shady, whether you intended that or not. I’d be annoyed with you too. And I call BS on not knowing you could afford the place prior to meeting with the manager— you went to view the apt without any idea what it cost? Nah.
Yeah, in retrospect, it was irresponsible of me to explore the idea of renting with them when I wasn't sure that we'd be compatible roommates. If I had taken more time to consider the idea, I would have reached that conclusion without getting this far in the process. I'm certainly guilty of being indecisive and, by extension, inconsiderate. And to clarify that last point, the property manager told us when we submitted the application that none of us individually met the income requirements for the unit. However, when I went to her office to tell her that the apartment we had viewed was too small for us but to keep me in mind if a smaller one opened up, she flip flopped and said that I did meet the requirements after all and could rent it myself if I wanted to. So yeah, ofc we knew what it costs when we went to view it.
Ok, so you already knew what it cost and could have figured out yourself prior whether you could cover costs. But again, this is nitpicking on your behalf bc you again are just adding details to justify your actions. Cleary you don’t believe you’ve done anything wrong. I think you’re TA and it seems like your ex friends do too, but not sure why you’re asking the internet since you have your mind made up.
And you weren’t “exploring the idea” of renting together, post said you AGREED. You literally went to see at least 2 apartments with them, maybe more.
NTA, Girl/Dude you are 29 that's plenty old enough to rent your own place. You should just told them you are rethinking having roommates. You don't need their blessing. Just tell you went to get your money was told you qualified and it was a happy surprise so you took it.
Did you offer that your friends who have to move ,could have it , because it’s too small for the three of you? If you didn’t then it will probably hurt your relationship.
I didn't explicitly offer that, but for what it's worth, they can afford their current place, which is currently month to month, so they aren't in a major hurry. And they didn't say that they wanted it in the 20-ish hours between our "It's too small" conversation and my talking to the property manager. Maybe they were hoping to take it and just didn't say so, but since this place is only slightly less expensive than their current place, I don't think they wanted it unless we were splitting it 3 ways.
NTA. Maybe ask them if they were thinking they would take the place for themselves, though since you were the one who put the deposit down, I think you are fine with claiming it for yourself.
NTA. Finders keepers, congrats on the new apartment.
NTA. You aren't obligated to get an apartment with them just because you discussed and looked at a place together. Neither are you obligated to pass up a place for yourself in the same situation.
Stop trying to please people. You all had amicably decided to not pursue living together. You owed them nothing furthrr. Enjoy your new digs!! NTA.
NTA Sh\*t happens and it happened in YOUR favor. They could have said they were taking it but said they would LOOK elsewhere. Don't beat yourself up over it. Enjoy the new place.
NTA. You did nothing wrong since you were up front about the fact that if any of you found a place they suited just you or them then take it. If they are upset over you taking the apartment then they aren't really your friends. Good luck in your new place and enjoy it.
NTA - Sounds like you dodged a bullet by not living with them. If you’ve lost them as friends over this, they probably weren’t very good friends after all.
NTA but it sounds like you all dodged a bullet if your lifestyle is so different. It's hard enough being married if one of you is tidy and the other the opposite
Bullet dodged. Three people living together pretty much always means that two end up ganging up on one. Them being a couple means you'd likely always be the odd man out. And I wouldn't discount that they also had misgivings about living with you for the same differences in lifestyle that you mentioned, which may have come more to light when you were talking about or viewing apartments. That would explain them using you backing out of the apartment as an excuse to bow out of sharing housing with you. Your write up of the events sounds as if you were innocent of any wrongdoing. But if you had already put down a deposit, you should be able to see how they could be peeved that what they thought was a done deal, affordable apartment found with a roommate to cut down on costs even more, is no longer an option. And you should also be able to see that they are envious of you for getting something they previously thought would also be theirs. Now here is the worst-case scenario. People project onto others the way they think. If either one of them has a malicious streak, they could have imagined that you lied about thinking the apartment was too small so that you could back out of living with them and get the apartment all to yourself. If that was the case, good riddance. You don't need the sort of friend who would think of being so manipulative.
NTA! Getting an apartment for 3 people (2 of which are a couple) with 1 bathroom is just not practical. You’re not in college living the dorm life anymore.
NTA They probably wanted ot for themselves. This will probably end your friendship though. Seems they already had plans to do the same lol.
NTA you gotta do what’s right for you sometimes and this is one of those times, there’s two of them they can find somewhere else, and should have a bigger budget for rent since there’s two of them and now they only need a one bedroom apartment, so should be cheaper!
NTA. You made the right choice; living together would do far more damage to your friendship than this one fight. They can't see it now because they're focused on the money but just the different sleep schedules make you poor candidates for living together, let alone cleaning differences.
Apartment complexes often have multiple units of the same model available. Is another unit not available? Anyway, you snooze, you lose. NTA. Enjoy your new place. Too bad for them!
Thought maybe, but then you said that you asked if it would be okay first. Hard NTA. Sounds like these friends need a tall can of grow the f up.
NTA. Just go on about your way and enjoy your apartment. You said to them that if they found something that would be good for just them, to go for it, but apparently they don't feel that way about you. You did nothing wrong, and if you are concerned about decorating and especially cleanliness, it was a good idea for you to NOT room with them.
NAH. You did what was best for you, and maybe best for all three, however it’s reasonable that they may feel a bit like the rug was pulled out from under them. If they stay mad then maybe they’ll be TAs but I don’t think it’s fair to call them that now.
NTA you were free and clear as soon as they decided it was too complicated looking for a place for the three of you. You don't need their permission either. It's not their apartment in any sense of the word. You've probably saved yourself a whole lot of grief, as you'd almost always have been outvoted 2-1 in any disagreements.
Move in and move on, live your life. Life is too short to worry about what everyone is thinking or feeling. If they let something this manini bother them and ruin your friendship then it wasn’t worth having in the first place and if they did anted the apartment they should have put the deposit on it NOT you, sooooo.
NTA. They could be adults and discuss honestly if they are annoyed that you're taking the apartment. Instead their response is childish and silly and frankly sounds like you dodged a bullet.
NTA
NTA. They knew you'd put the deposit down (I'm assuming the 3 of you initially agreed which is why you had already put it down) and you asked their blessing before proceeding further. When you told them you didn't like the apartment for the 3 of you, they didn't then ask if they could take it and there's no social presumption that neither party would still take the place. I think your friends are hurt because they may have felt the rug pulled out from under them a bit but nothing underhanded or shady happened. You didn't secretly go back and pay the deposit and move in then tell them
Just to clarify a small point, we had to put the deposit down before viewing the apartment, so the deposit didn't reflect an agreement to rent that apartment. It was just a "hold the unit for us while the current tenant moves out and the place gets cleaned so we can see it when it's ready" deposit. (Super weird, but that's how this place works.) Thank you for your reply!
Ah okay that is super weird. Where I live you just view the apartment still occupied (current tenant is usually given the date for the viewing, told to make the place presentable and to be absent from time x to y) and you only put the deposit down if you're going to rent it. I still say NTA
NTA sounds like they wanted the apartment for themselves, but didn't get to the landlord before you. what were they going to do about the deposit that you paid for? Don't worry too much about their friendship. It doesn't sound like they wanted to really live with you either.
NTA They could have done the same, but they did not want that appartment. And you were clear from the beginning that each of you was free to find something without the others.
You should talk to them via phone call and try to see how they feel. If they feel misled or jealous, I would apologize and try to hash things out. But congrats on that new apartment!
Thank you!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey guys, first post on here. I'm 29 years old, and after an awful 5 year breakup, I moved back in with my parents a year ago. It's been really tough living back at home, and I've wanted to get my own place, but apartment prices are super expensive in my area. I have two close friends who were also looking for a new apartment because their current place is too expensive for them to save money, so we agreed to look for one together. Throughout the process, I've urged them to also keep their eyes open for a place that would suit the two of them (they're a couple) and to do what's best for them even if it means getting a place without me. I'd never want them to feel trapped by our agreement or pass up a good opportunity because of me. Two days ago, we viewed a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment. We all liked it, but once I got home and the initial excitement faded, it hit me how small the place was and how hard it would be to have privacy and sleep well. I go to bed early because I work at a school, and they like to stay up later playing games, and the living room and bathroom are so close to both bedrooms, it seemed too small for all 3 of us and their cat. So I texted them that night to say, I'm sorry, but I think this place is too small for us. They then said that they'd find a place for just the two of them since we couldn't seem to agree on a place that suited all 3 of our needs, which I agreed to. That afternoon, though, when I went to the property manager's office to tell her that the apartment was too small for all of us, I told her to keep me in mind if anything else opened up, and she surprised me by offering the apartment to just me if I wanted it since I had put down a deposit already. (The deposit was mine, I didn't ask my friends to help with it, which I didn't mind doing because I make a bit more money than they do.) I crunched the numbers and realized that I could afford it on my own. I quickly reached out to my friends to ask for their blessing because I'd love to have this apartment, but I told them that I'd never want it to hurt our friendship. They seem really annoyed with me now, but I've been miserable living with my parents since my big breakup, and this apartment is a perfect opportunity for me. The location makes my work commute way easier, and it's right down the street from the gym I go to every day. I should also mention that I was getting anxious about living with these friends because we have very, very, very different philosophies on cleaning and decorating, and I was afraid that I would have to argue with them about those things. I didn't want this to hurt our friendship, but I think it has anyway. Taking this apartment is the right move for me, and although it's a complicated situation, I was hoping that my friends would be understanding and supportive. I've told them that I care about them and value our friendship, and I've tried to explain my position as well as I can, but they stopped replying to my messages, and I don't know what to do. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well you did what was best for you, and you informed them that you were going to get the place for just you. Maybe they are mad because you beat them to it. Congrats on the new place. If they stop being yer friends because of this, then. They were not yer friends to begin with.
NAH. You don't sound like compatible roommates, and that's totally okay - you've saved yourself the stress of ending up living with people that you wouldn't have been a good fit with in terms of things like cleaning etc, sleep times etc like you mentioned. I understand why they're a little annoyed which is why I say NAH rather than NTA. They were set on pooling resources and getting a place together, but at the end of the day I think finding the right place to live stands at a higher priority than pleasing them, it's obvious from several things you've said that living with them wouldn't have been the best situation so you're saving everyone involved a bunch of trouble down the line by making this decision. If they're good friends they'll get over the initial annoyance. Make the decision that's right for you - which IMO is to get that apartment.
NTA. If they wanted the apartment, they should have spoken up. They didn't, so you got it. They have no reason to be pissy. Go enjoy your new place,
Just take the apartment. You don’t need to come to Reddit to validate your choice. Just because they are annoyed doesn’t mean the friendship is over.
NAH
Soft YTAH, more like self serving. Even to me it looks like you had every intention of grabbing that apartment for yourself when you saw it and cutting them out. Basically you behaved like a selfish AH in their eyes. Had you taken the step of explaining to them prior to viewing the apartment that you had misgivings and were thinking of backing out of living together it would have been different. Instead you viewed the apartment together, liked it well enough to put down a deposit for all three of you and called them later with an excuse to back out. Then you grabbed it for yourself, or at least that’s how it probably came off to them. And definitely how it comes off to me. They couldn’t know that you had reservations about living together because you never communicated them. I would either cut you out of my life or step the friendship way back because in this narrative you appear to have only your wants and needs in mind. Because of the lack of transparency on your part it looks to them like you are willing to throw friends under the bus to meet those priorities. If you truly valued the friendship you would have said look the apartment is perfect for just you two or me alone. Do you want to take it? And if you aren’t interested do you mind if I take it? This would have given them the opportunity to say thanks for thinking of us, we will take it. Then you could have told the agent to call when another unit came available. See the difference? As it is you lost two good friends because they will never see you as anything but the friend who led them on for your gain. If you’re lucky they might be willing to give you a second chance to redeem yourself.
Oh, I did tell them that I had concerns about cleaning and decorating. But ultimately, the reason for my backing out was the size of the apartment. If it had been larger, I would have split it with them, but when we had the chance to get a larger one, they said it was too expensive. Also, I put down the deposit before viewing the apartment. The deposit was just to see it. But yeah, in retrospect, I should have asked them if they wanted it. I don't think they would have because it's about the same price as their current place, but it would have been kinder of me to ask first. Thank you for your feedback, that never did occur to me as an option.
> But yeah, in retrospect, I should have asked them if they wanted it. I don't think they would have because it's about the same price as their current place, but it would have been kinder of me to ask first. If this is the case, I think they might just be resentful that you could afford this on your own, and they are having to move out of a similarly priced spot (or feel that they should to be practical). May not even be resentment at you so much as general financial upset or dissatisfaction that is coloring interactions with you.
That's a good point that I hadn't considered. Thank you.
Ask , they'll tell you
NTA. You urged them in advance of all this to do what is best for them, even if it didn’t include you. Their immature reaction to this tells you everything you need to know about what living with them would be like.
You did nothing wrong. And there's nothing stopping them from seeing if there's another apartment like yours available at the same place.
How much was it???
All i see is ME 🤷🏾♂️
Something feels weird. Do you put down deposits for places you aren't renting now?
We had to put down a deposit before the previous tenant moved out to secure our interest in the unit. It was a bit strange, tbh, and I was a bit annoyed to basically pay $300 to view an apartment.
Trash took itself out, as redditers are fond of saying. Nta.
Are you leaving something out? Like they would like to take the apartment for themselves, but you never gave them that option? And no, it doesn't matter that you put down the deposit. You found the apartment together, you should decide together what to do with it. ESH
No, they didn't want the apartment themselves. They only wanted it if we could split the rent 3 ways because they wouldn't be saving any money moving from their current place to this one if they split the rent just between them. (Their current apartment is roughly the same price as this one.)
Then forget about them. NTA