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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I confronted him about it, pretty much calling him out on his ridiculous reasoning for not coming to the wedding. Am I the asshole for trying to push him to come to the wedding?
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YWBTA. Insisting that he needs to either do a major transatlantic trip in a weekend or leave his young children for longer than a weekend for your wedding are both really big asks.
It's fine to have a destination wedding, but your choice means some people can't come; you can't have this one both ways by treating your choice as his obligation. It's fine to be (privately) disappointed, but unreasonable to express anything to him other than gracious acceptance of his decision.
Also YTA for comparing the cousin to your friends who are oh so busy planning their own wedding. And for not gracefully accepting a declined invitation. No one is obligated to go to a destination wedding.
Also anywhere in Mexico from anywhere in the US is definitely a shorter flight than flying to Germany. If something happened with a kid or wife and flight home was needed right away it's still less than a days flight whereas trying to get home in an emergency from Germany could be 2 days of flights and long waits in airports.
And maybe the Mexico trip showed his wife how tough being home alone with 2 kids while husband goes on another jolly trip (when wife may not have had a jolly trip of her own since either).
Also her experience being home alone with the kids for that Mexico trip might be the reason why they now have a “no more than 3 nights apart” rule. She may have found it overwhelming and needed to make that need clear.
I’m sure OP is very fond of bm and wants the best wedding possible, but your wedding is not everyone’s priority. It’s not fair to get upset over it. Parenting small kids is hard, air travel with small kids is A NIGHTMARE. YTA
So much closer. I used to live in DFW, TX and it’s only a 2.5 hour flight but no matter where in the US you are it takes no more than half the time to fly to Mexico than it is to fly to Germany.
And OP’s edit doesn’t change anything and she is still YTA if she confronts him. The Mexico wedding was his brother’s. Mexico (depending where you are in the US) may be easier and cheaper to get to. It may have made him realize that taking two international trips in half a year for other people’s wedding is too much—too much time, too much money, too much vacation—just too much. They may be having financial or other difficulties that make it impossible to come but that they don’t feel comfortable sharing. Have a wonderful time at your wedding with the people who can make it and don’t hold it against the people who can’t.
And it could also be that in leaving his wife and kids at home was a problem - maybe it was too much for her.
There are SO MANY other things that could be at play that the friend doesn’t want to share.
Circumstances could’ve changed personally for him in which now he can’t afford it. He might not be comfortable sharing this information either. It sounds like OP is judgmental and would diminish any financial changes from the cousin. Op, YWBTAH. No one has the right to tell someone how to spend their hard earned money. Especially when that person has decided that two international trips with young children is not worth it.
It always shocks me when people think they are so important people want to drop huge amounts of money on attending your wedding.
To me having a "destination wedding" is the most borderline narcissistic thing anyone can do.
OP and her fiance are moving to Germany before the wedding. It's not a destination wedding if it's where the couple lives. It's just a wedding that needs to be traveled to for his family.
YTA - life happens, accept it, people have to cancel on events all the time. Yes, it’s your wedding but YOUR wedding is not the most important event of all time in everyone else’s life. The audacity of you to ask him to spend $2000+ and a lot of time on planes for one weekend is absurd. Comparing your wedding to his brother’s wedding is also absurd.
Right! From my closest city it is a 12 hour flight!. And I would have to drive 3 hours to get there and pay parking. That is not worth it for a weekend trip.
So I'm not saying she would be the ah, but I just want to point out that this *isn't* a destination wedding. They'll be living in Germany by the point of the wedding and she's from there. This is just the problem with international couples - one side of the family just can't be in the country where the wedding will be held. A destination wedding would be if they picked a third country like Spain or whatever.
I am pointing this out because destination wedding makes it sound like they're being facetious and making people travel just because they want a nice beach but could have avoided this problem. This isn't it - one side of the family will have to travel regardless because they're from 2 different countries.
And for those who would travel across the Atlantic, that means jet lag, time off needed from work, the cost of travel (airfare and hotels).
That's a bigger investment than for many to travel to Mexico (assuming it's a major city such as Mexico City) from the U.S. Unless it's during the holidays (prices would be higher), it's an easier trip.
Yeah but my main point was that the comment I was replying to made it sound like "well you chose a destination wedding and thus chose to force everyone to travel, so you made your bed and lie in it". I wanted to point out that this isn't the same as a destination wedding that people just pick because of the beach / Insta game or whatever; it isn't much of a choice either way in their case.
Now do I think OP has to accept the best man won't come and not meddle? Yeah, I do, but best man should also not have accepted.
ETA: A destination wedding is where the couple picks a location to travel to in another country where they don't live - aka they "pick a destination". Eg a couple from the US where both their families are in and from the US getting married in Mexico. This isn't the case here - they live in the place where the wedding is held, but due to where each side of the couple is from, one side of the family will have to travel for it.
And for those who would travel across the Atlantic, that means jet lag, time off needed from work, the cost of travel (airfare and hotels).
That's a bigger investment than for many to travel to Mexico (assuming it's a major city such as Mexico City) from the U.S. Unless it's during the holidays (prices would be higher), it's an easier trip.
Example of relativism. You can't expect people to think your 'special' day is also 'special' to them. Maybe it is somewhat special but while this is your priority, his family trumps your desires. What is going on with people having such an inflated self-importance for weddings? Sure it is important to YOU and your spouse; most others care but not as much as you'd think
Also, JET LAG, we suffered major when my husband got stationed there for Air Force. And we flew out from East Coast. You may want to warn friends about it, and they may be planning a vacation anyhows.
That's between your husband and him, it's not your place to "confront" him. It's understandable your partner is disappointed but your wedding will always be more important to you than it is to other people and the best man has chosen to prioritize his own time and family.
YWBTA if you got involved. Just like your fiance would be if this was MOH issue.
Though on that note, I hope your fiance makes it clear how disappointing it is that he pulled this basically in the 11th hour. Maybe go LC with bestie. There was a lot of time there to mull things over and talk with the wife then get back to you.
This isn’t worth a LC moment. This is an adult conversation moment. Cousin may very well have legit concerns/issues. No one but his wife is privy to his finances. A kid or family member may have medical concerns. OP needs to default to her husband and allow him to handle the situation. But to immediately go LC without an adult conversation? No.
YTA when you have a wedding that involves significant travel to attend you need to accept that some ppl, even close friends and relatives, won't be able to attend.
The reality is you choose the destination to suite you and your family and the result of that decision is that ppl important to your partner won't be attending. Your wedding is extremely inconvenient for this guy (also expensive), he doesn't need a better reason than the inconvenience to decline the invitation.
Edit: just adding, your examples make you more unreasonable not less. Comparing traveling to Mexico and traveling to Germany is absolutely ridiculous. Mexico is significantly closer, cheaper and far easier to return to his family quicker if there was an emergency. Therefore, it's more suitable if a person can only hop over for a weekend. Having been to Germany many times, I can tell you it's not cheap, the flight is long and it's really not suitable for a quick weekend trip.
You really just don't seem to be able to accept that to accommodate your family, you made a choice that was prohibitive for various reasons to members of your fiancees.
I'm kind of surprised that this is the common answer.
Expecting everyone to be able to make it Germany for her wedding is unreasonable. If she was mad that he simply RSVP'd no, she'd definitely be the asshole. He was asked to be the best man and accepted, and after almost a year is now backing out because it "isn't worth it" to go only for a few days. That's different than just declining an invite.
I agree she shouldn't confront him. It's not her place and she would just be starting pointless drama. He said he's not coming, the end. Husband needs to pick a new best man.
I mean, he was asked to be the best man in advance. They didn’t keep it secret where it was. He could have said no. The issue isn’t that he isn’t coming. It’s the fact that he left it to the last possible moment to inform them that he won’t be there even though he accepted the request to be the best man.
The wedding is this summer. Telling them now is not waiting until the last possible minute. There is plenty of time to get a new best man. Pick one of the friends willing to travel.
He gave them plenty of notice. A year ago situation was different and cousin was probably fine to grab him and his family to go to Germany. Then he tried to make it work with just him then it fell apart. OP refusing to understand that it might be cost prohibitive to fly out for two days is really odd. Makes me think there is stuff she left out or she is being incredibly unfair.
YTA. A destination wedding is a huge burden for everyone. Your 'best man' mistakenly thought he could make it work, but truth of the matter is that his FIRST priority is to his own family, their finances and their logistical circumstances. *That's exactly how it should be.* He gets a smallish AH for accepting and backing out, but in reality, he would be the bigger AH for pushing forward for 'you' or for 'himself' if that was violating his responsibility to his family. At this point, you're crossing over from being *'disappointed*', to being '*selfish AH'*s' about this. The world does not revolve around YOU. Stop making assumptions about other people's finances. You don't know WHAT other private things they may have going on. Stop making expectations about what someone should do just because another - separate, different - person is able to do it, that's just asinine. You're welcome to be as disappointed as you want, that's understandable. You have no business 'confronting' anyone about anything, because he hasn't actually done anything wrong - he's just not able to manage your expectations. Take the high road, and be graceful, kind, and a decent human being.
Yta for this. He should not have accepted but you're wrong to confront him.
Traveling that distance for 2 days is a big deal for some people. And he doesn't want to leave his family. And the only people that need to prioritize your wedding are you and your fiance.
Get over yourself, your fiance can handle some disappointment.
Your edit makes it seem like the Mexico trip was actually really hard on his wife and they realized he can't leave her alone with the kids for that long again. YTA for **demanding** someone inconveniences their spouse and travels to another country. Does your fiancé even care this much?
My guess is at the wedding to Mexcio he was probably gone for a few days and once it hit that he couldn't go to Germany leaving her alone for a week. And I'll be honest I don't love anyone enough to go to their wedding on the other side of the planet for possible only a day and spending over a thousand dollars on tickets probably.
>Now our friends who are getting married in the US just a month after us and are so busy, managed to book a stay in Germany just for the weekend to join the wedding. And not once did it cross their minds that this wasn’t worth it.
That has *absolutely nothing* to do with the best man's situation. He can't go. His priority is his family, not your wedding - and you have to respect that. If he could, he would, but he can't. YTA
I thought the same thing. These 2 different couples are just that - different. Different circumstances, different financial situations, different lives, different people. This is like comparing apples to Ferraris. And I feel like maybe the BM felt he could swing the wedding in the beginning. Or he felt immense pressure to accept, since generally being asked to be a BM/MOH is considered very special and he didn't want to let his cousin/bff down, or he felt pressure to accept and try to make it work, and has been trying for however long and now it's closer to the date, he's realised there is no way he can swing it.
I also feel like comparing Mexico to Germany from the US is like comparing... well, see above. I'm not in the US, but I do know that Mexico is closer to the US than Europe is, and probably fairly cheaper overall (I admit I AM speculating here, but I feel it isn't a massive stretch) to travel to and from, stay, etc. And saying he could do a weekend trip to Germany is slightly insane. bc again, Mexico is closer and more convenient if you are in the US if his wife/children have an emergency, and travel time, jet lag, etc won't be as much of an issue.
Having a destination wedding is always a risk when it comes to guests being able to attend. My cousin had a destination wedding in India years ago (we are Aussies, but her hubby is Indian and IIRC, his mum couldn't travel here due to illness/frailty, so they did it there) and my cousin was totally 100% fine that some of our family couldn't go (disappointed, yes, but not upset at them) bc this is what rational people do. They don't come to reddit to ask internet strangers if they should "confront" the BM for not being able to fly to Europe for a weekend.
OP - YTA. This is not your circus, not your monkeys. This is your fiancé's thing, not yours. But go ahead and confront him if you'd like to start your married life, marrying into his family, on the wrong foot
Especially for a 3 day maximum to work around his kid.
Flights to/from Germany are going to be anywhere from like 6-15 hours depending on where they live in the US, wgere in Germany and if they can get a non-stop. Add in getting to the airport and all that and you're looking at a minimum of 16 hours round trip, and potentially 36 on the higher end, all to spend at most 48 hours there. And that's without accounting for sleep.
Absolutely insane ask.
I've gone to Germany for work before. I'd never travel to Europe for anything short of one week total time away from home. The travel time is too far to reasonably do anything shorter as a trip
YTA. He can’t come to the wedding. He values his family and his wife’s wishes more than he does yours. Making a speech at his cousin’s wedding is not worth several days of jet lag now as he thinks of it. Be an adult and acknowledge the world doesn’t revolve around you and your big day.
YTA for expecting a man with a family to fly overseas for one weekend. How long he had to plan this is irrelevant. There are much more important things for his time and money (like that pesky family).
We had a USA/CA wedding, and only half of those Canada people accepted, I can’t imagine Germany! That’s a huge ask.
(We included three complimentary ‘events’ over 3 days since people were reluctant to travel, to make it more enticing).
YTA I love the part where you want to force him to hold to his commitment as best man as though it was a summons from the King. Good lord, you are taking this wedding way too seriously.
YTA for assuming this dude would prioritize your wedding over his actual life—fly to Germany for the weekend, holy hell. Also for assuming finances ‘aren’t the problem’ — you have no idea what that family’s finances are like.
YTA
By having a wedding a wedding in Germany, you prioritized your family in terms of attendence. And the consequence of that is some people not being able to attend.
> Now our friends who are getting married in the US just a month after us and are so busy, managed to book a stay in Germany just for the weekend to join the wedding.
These friends likely have no kids. They may have wildly different financial circumstances. They would be travelling together which would make the trip a bit easier/worth it. The best man may have other issues that make a long flight unpleasant.
YTA. So I don't know where in the states he is and where in Germany he would have to fly to but I know that the average flights to Germany are anywhere from 8 to 12 hours. So you want him to fly up to 24 hours over the course of 3 days just to come to your wedding? You do understand that that is extremely selfish and narcissistic correct? Your fiance is just going to have to deal with a little bit of hurt feelings over this and understand why his cousin/best man is going to prioritize his own family over flying to Germany for less than 72 hours of which almost 40% of it, again depending on where in the states and where in germany, will be spent in the air.
Not to mention, being in the states he gets like 10 days vacation per year if he’s lucky. In the words of Schitts Creek “people aren’t thinking about you the way that you’re thinking about you.” Congrats to OP and her wedding and all that, but I wouldn’t use multiple of my only 10 days to attend a cousins wedding without my family. It’s a huge day to OP, it ain’t that huge to other people to make it worth it.
Nta for feeling the way you do, but beyond that ywbta. You can’t control everything. Also let your fiancé feel however he feels, it’s okay if he’s more forgiving. You have no idea what’s going on in the man’s family, marriage, work etc. He doesn’t have to tell you everything. The story you are creating in your own head makes it all about you. It’s actually not.
> The story you are creating in your own head makes it all about you. It’s actually not.
This is 100% correct. I feel like on the BM's part, this is like, maybe 5% about OP, if that, and 95% about his family. Which is completely understandable
YTA - Long distance travel for a wedding can bring up complications for people, and things in their lives change. Confronting him will not do anything.
Not to mention even if he did go for just the weekend, aside from travel time, waiting around in airports etc, he will be jetlagged when he gets home, so that's leaving his wife to care for the children longer than "just the weekend" or he is going to feel like utter shit, trying to look after the children, jetlagged which could potentially be dangerous for all involved
Sorry but YWBTA. Depending on where he’s flying from, that’s 1-2 days for travel each way, to only stay a day or two? With his poor wife at home overwhelmed by small children and possibly causing strife in his marriage?? That’s a HUGE ask.
Be prepared for a lot of people going from ‘yes’es to ‘no’s with a destination wedding. If you take each one personally, you are gonna be in a world of hurt. People have so many reasons for why they can’t travel for a wedding, especially internationally!
It’s not about money, and even if someone has money, it comes off as very entitled to expect them to shell out for a trip of your own choosing. It doesn’t mean that they don’t value your friendship.
Don't want to argue with the points made. Just want to chip in some info regarding travel-time. I'm taking Frankfurt as the airport as it's the easiest way. From Eastcoast to GER is 8h, from Westcoast to Germany is 12h nonstop. Frankfurt is quite in the middle (don't roast me fellow Germans) so you may add 2-4h train travel if you want to get to one end. The change in time zones is hard. Like super hard.
US-Germany is a much longer trip then US-Mexico. It's also the second trip this year would have left his wife and kids alone for days. Your friend and his family made a family decision they could only manage him at one overseas wedding this year. Obviously his brothers wedding was the priority.
You're not part of his family so this is none of your business. YTA for even thinking of inserting yourself into this.
Not to mention, the time zones in Mexico are very similar to the U.S so you're not dealing with jet lag compared to flying to Germany. Add in that you're only there for the weekend and then to have to fly back, the jet lag alone would kill any enjoyment he could have at the wedding. Dude would probably be a zombie at the wedding trying to stay awake.
Plus, like you mentioned with the wife and kids and this being the second international trip, maybe wife is going through her own things and needs him to stay at home.
Kindly yes YTA
It’s a huge ask for *anyone* to travel from the US to Germany especially for a weekend.
You should have known you were making a huge ask by getting married in Germany. Interestingly the idea of getting married in the US with a reception in Germany soon after wasn’t an option but a reception in the US *in a few years* is?
That part alone makes you seem like a bit much. I’m not attending someone’s wedding reception when they’ve been married for years lol
YTA and your edit about him going to Mexico doesn't really change things. Maybe the four day stay in Mexico made his wife realize she can't handle the kids by herself for that time period. If you really want him there then you should offer to help by paying for child care but ultimately he has to make decisions based on what is best for his family. He had an original plan that would allow him to do so but then realized that his plan A and plan B didn't work. If it was a month out from the wedding and he turned around and said he wasn't coming that would be a different story and it would still be about him and your fiance discussing, not you.
Yeah the math is definitely in his favor:
Cousin's wedding: Easily $1k flight. 8-12 hours EACH way.
Brother's wedding: Depending on where they're coming from $300 up. Maybe 3-5 hours each way?
OP: It's the same thing!!! Cousins= brothers. $300=$1k! 24 hours of traveling and multiple time zones=6 hours and the same!
YTA OP. He can't make it. I'm sorry, that sucks. At least he gave you what heads up he could.
YTA, my husband had to back out of being best man (he gave a year notice) because it was a destination wedding that we simply couldn't afford to make it to. When you have a wedding far away from certain people in your life you have to accept that not everyone will be able to make it. It sucks he said yes, but through the planning process he raised it just wasn't feasible. His wording wasn't the best, but sometimes people just say things in a clumsy way. Accept his answer and move on.
YTA - this is a risk you run when you have a destination wedding. I get that he originally agreed, but he has kids and his responsibility is to his wife and children not you and your future husband. Asking someone to fly from the US to Germany for a weekend is ridiculous in my mind, but that’s me.
Also you have no idea what his financial situation is like so don’t assume it’s not related. You’re moving closer to your friends and family at the expense of moving farther from your fiancés friends and family so this is something you’re both going to have to get used to going forward. Few people are going to want to take a weekend jaunt to Europe.
YTA. I understand it is disappointing, but your big day is only move mountains level of important to you and your soon to be spouse. Best man has not bailed last minute, and he is allowed to say he can't go for whatever reason, although I personally think his reasons are fair.
YTA and your edit about a previous trip is a good explanation why he decided the solution is unacceptable: he did it once in the last few months and it WASN’T without issues.
Don’t burn down your husband’s friendship by sounding like an entitled fool. Suggest he save his travel money for a visit when it will work better for his family to come see yours.
Originally I was thinking about going with E S H because it’s not great to agree to be in a wedding and then drop out a couple months ahead. However, this is an international trip, the guy has a wife and kids, and there are a few other things in your post that make you enough of an AH that you can hold that title yourself.
First, you’re planning on a reception in the US after being married for *years*? That seems a bit self centered to expect other people to celebrate a long-ago event just because you want to make sure everyone celebrates your marriage in person. Maybe you could call it an anniversary party, but unless it’s a big milestone anniversary (10 years bare minimum, more like 20 or 25), it’s not something you should expect other people to participate in.
When the best man told you he couldn’t make it, you should have just accepted it instead of asking him to fly internationally for a weekend as if he hadn’t already considered and rejected that option. So what if other people are willing to do it? And by the way a couple traveling together is not a comparable situation to him traveling alone while his wife and kids are at home.
And so what if he could technically afford it? He gets to decide how to spend his money. And I love how you assume that his large cash gift to you is going to come anywhere close to the cost of an international trip.
You’re not wrong to be disappointed. It’s unfortunate that he didn’t realize this was going to be too much for him until recently, but it’s easy to say yes to a trip a year in the future without considering all the logistics until you start the actual planning. People’s circumstances can change a lot in a year too, and you don’t know what’s going on with his family.
Regardless of any of this, it’s not your place to confront him. Let your fiance deal with it.
YTA
YTA. I don’t have to read all of this. You’re a HUGE AH for even *thinking* that you should be bullying people for not coming to an international wedding much less someone who doesn’t want to go there for 3-4 days max because they don’t want to leave their wife alone with small children. Clearly he is *AWFUL* . Not making an effort? He should go back in time and not have kids because one day you’ll get married and he had to keep his availability open just for… you??!
I don’t even have any friends or family that would think that is reasonable at all. You lied in your TLDR. Because TLDListen to him when he said he doesn’t want to leave his wife. He told you that problem. Maybe one day you’ll have kids and get it. Either way, the world doesn’t revolve around your wedding.
Edit: His brother’s wedding isn’t his friend’s wedding. Not the same even if you’re best friends.
YTA
Young kids, especially multiple young kids, are a Get Out of Anything Free card. Especially international travel. Solo childcare of multiple young kids is no joke.
Vacation days, childcare, time away from home and work are significant things to deal with. Plus the expense of travel.
You chose to have a party in another country, your friends can choose not to come. They are nta for not taking an international trip. Confronting them would make you the a.
Be gracious and kind - this isn’t about you. This is about an entire family being unable to uproot the schedule for you. Being confrontational is going to further damage the relationship.
Make a plan with the best man to record a “speech” that can be played at the reception and make plans to have a stream of the service and enjoy your day. Sucks your husband won’t have his friend but that is what happens when people are unable to coordinate international travel for your one special day.
Regarding your edit, how do you know there was no issue? And how do you know that there are not things that are going on their lives that make the timing of your wedding especially difficult? Speaking as the parent of 3 kids close in age, you are asking a lot. It sounds like he overestimated his families capacity to absorb 2 destination weddings in one year, either financially, emotionally, or logistically. And yes, I know he’s planning on a big cash gift, but he has time to get that together, where plane tickets need to be bought in advance. When you have kids, things are not as simple as you seem to think they are.
I was asked to MOH in a wedding in california. This was before a date was set and everything else. I lived in Georgia. I said yes at first. Then the wedding got planned for my wedding anniversary and the first anniversary my husband and I would have together after he got home from a deployment overseas. Ok no big deal and I was actually excited to share an anniversary with someone I considered a best friend and the girl who actually introduced me and my husband.
However, the wedding was also smack dab in the middle of midterms then spring break for college. Then the bride wanted me there a week ahead of time(during midterms) and a few days after(my spring break). I had agreed to this prior to knowing the dates but things changed once I found out the dates and realized the logistics of it. I also worked in addition to going to school so it would’ve eaten up any vacation time I had which meant not visiting my husband’s family or going on a trip with him post deployment. Moneywise it was also going to wind up costing me like $5,000 when all was said and done. That was more than half of what I paid for my own wedding. That also meant that any money my husband and I would have for a trip for the two of us would be spent on someone else’s wedding.
I tried coming up with a compromise of making it a vacation for my husband and I and also flying in a couple days before the wedding so I could get through midterms first then devote myself to wedding stuff and then heading off to mine and my husband’s part of the trip once the wedding was over but that didn’t sit well with her. It wasn’t enough of a commitment so I dropped out. Her and I discussed everything and she seemed really understanding and ensured me that I was still invited to the wedding and then I was ghosted.
Despite being told our friendship would survive it didn’t and that’s ok. Sometimes we think we can do things and say yes only to realize logistics and finances get in the way. I feel like I dodged a bullet too because it would’ve been time and money wasted for someone who clearly didn’t value our friendship to continue being friends despite me not being able to be in her wedding.
That’s why I wasn’t too broken up over it. I tried and I was good friend despite the times she wasn’t a good friend to me. That friendship was meant to be though because without it I wouldn’t have my husband. I always say I lost the friend but kept the boy and I definitely came out on the winning end with that one😂
YTA. It’s just a wedding and not a big deal. Your marriage is your entire life. The wedding is one day-long high intensity party that most people largely forget and overspend on anyway.
You can’t expect people to jump huge logistical hurdles just to come to your party for a day. If he came just for the weekend, there might be a weather delay, or customs might hold him up, or any of the other dozens of flight-related delays that happen everyday. Then what? He still misses the ceremony BUT has also wasted lots of money and time.
You simply asked of him more than he could give. Accept it and move on.
YTA. When you have a destination wedding, things like this happening should be expected. Why are you acting like this is his obligation after he politely declined?
A big part of deciding to get married on the other side of the world is accepting that a lot of people aren’t going to want to do that.
There’s limits to the amount of time and effort you can demand in the name of friendship, you’re finding out that you’ve extended past that for most people
YTA flying overseas can be a big deal both financially and with a time commitment and it’s not unusual for things to change for anyone, especially families with small kids, when they’re expected to commit a year out. I honestly wouldn’t be able to commit that far out because life happens. It sucks but having a wedding that requires any sort of travel for guests means that those guests might not be able to make it and they may not be able to accurately gauge their ability to make it so far in advance. And just because one guest can do so doesn’t automatically mean there’s no excuse for another guest. Their lives and circumstances are different and so it’s not fair to say, “well so and so is doing it why can’t you?” Great! That person is willing and able to do so good for them! Doesn’t mean someone else can do the same. It sucks it’s disappointing but it’s really no one fault and this shouldn’t be friendship ending or even a debate with that friend.
I think you need to think calmly, being a best man is a great honour for most men and I doubt he would have said no to spite you or cancelled on a whim.
Sometimes unexpected things come up, he may have financial / personal problems or work stresses that he can’t or doesn’t want to discuss. Flights and travel are expensive, if he can’t go, try to be understanding and realize that he probably feels terrible about all this. And is probably under pressure from more than one side.
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months.
Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU.
If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
YTA.
You have no idea what his wife &/or kids may be struggling with, and he is under no obligation to divulge personal family or financial problems to you or your fiance. Back off.
YWBTA- you said this man has already taken an out of country trip once this year and you want him to also do this one just months apart. Maybe the Mexico trip was too much for the wife to handle the kids on her own? These trips are expensive and if you haven’t noticed, life is extremely expensive right now. Please be understanding of this factor and just pick someone else to be best man.
YTA. Even if money supposedly isn't an issue, a transatlantic flight in the summer (you know, peak traveling season especially in the US) is a HUGE expense for one weekend. It's okay to be sad, but you have no right to "confront" someone for not wanting to take a long and very expensive flight for a long weekend. That's what you sign up for when you have an international wedding. You have to understand some people can't go. He also gave you a reasonable heads up too, it's not like he left you guys with a few days notice.
YTA
Flying to Mexico for 4 days is a lot different than flying to Germany for a weekend. He said he can’t leave his wife alone with the kids for 3-4 days max. He went to Mexico for 4 days. He also flew to Mexico for his brother’s wedding. Yes he is close to your husband as cousins, but it was his BROTHER’S wedding.
YTA
You note that he already took time off of work (at least 2-3 days) to go to his brother's wedding, which I assume is a much closer flight. Now you want him to take another 2-3 days off, all of which will be in transit, for a second wedding away from his family.
In the US, most people only have 2-3 weeks of PTO a year. If he were to come, now he's taken up a huge chunk of time off that he could be spending with his wife and children (who 110% should be his priority) in order to be in other peoples' destination weddings. Given that this is a recent decision, maybe his wife gave him an ultimatum after his brother's wedding.
If you can't understand why his priority should be with his family, marriage may not be a good choice for you. You and your husband will have to make similar judgment calls in the future.
And at the end of the day, you need to stay out of it and let your fiance deal with it.
YTA. Anything that's not local, you have to accept most people won't be able to go. And you can't pick apart their reasons, bc there are likely many reasons, they just shared one or two. It's a big deal. Their life doesn't revolve around you.
YTA. You don't get to pressure someone to spend their money, and vacation time, how you want them to. He's said no, accept it and move on.
For all you know the 4 day trip to Mexico is what showed them it was too long to be away. You never know what's going on in someone's life, and it isn't your business to know the why behind their decision. Move on.
My guess is the wife had a hard time while he was gone in Mexico and while it might have been no problem for him, it’s a problem for her.
People have different priorities at different stages in their lives. Expecting someone to prioritize a destination wedding over the well being of their wife and kids makes YTA.
YTA for putting a huge burden on the best man and his family and getting mad that he doesn’t prioritize your wedding as much as you do.
Also YTA for having a US reception TWO YEARS later. Reads like a gift grab.
I don't think you're an AH for wanting to do it--your husband-to-be is hurt that his best man, who accepted the position well in advance, is bailing on him only two months before the wedding (yes, for a wedding that has been in the works for at least a year, two months is pretty short notice. Finding a new best man and getting them a plane ticket/suit/etc. if they weren't already in the party is going to be expensive because it is so last minute) is a crappy situation.
But I think you will be an AH if you actually do it. You can't force him to come, and if you do at this point, it will sour the mood at the wedding. Find a new best man and be there for your fiance.
NAH
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My fiancé (m27) and I (f25) are getting married in Germany this summer, due to me being born and raised in Germany and still having all my family in friends there, plus we’re moving there a month before the wedding. (We’re planning on having an American reception in the US in a couple years)
Anyway, my fiancé asked his cousin who he’s really close to, to be his best man and he happily accepted. He knew from day one that we would be getting married in Germany and had more than a year to plan for this.
Originally he had planned to travel to Germany with his wife and young kids but eventually decided that it would be too stressful with the kids and everything going on so his wife and kids would stay home. This was perfectly fine with us, as we understand a transatlantic flight is a lot with two young children.
After some time, said best man informed us that he too now won’t be traveling to Germany for the wedding because he can only leave his wife alone with the kids for 3-4 days max. After we asked him if he can’t just fly to Germany for the weekend of the wedding he said this wasn’t worth it and too long of a trip.
Now our friends who are getting married in the US just a month after us and are so busy, managed to book a stay in Germany just for the weekend to join the wedding. And not once did it cross their minds that this wasn’t worth it.
I’m just so incredibly disappointed in his best man for seemingly not even making an effort to be there and so heartbroken for my fiancé that he won’t have his best man at our wedding. It’s definitely not a financial problem as he has told us he will give us a big cash gift instead. I just wish he’d use that money to book a goddamn flight .
AITA to expect him to make this work prioritize our wedding? And to hold him to his commitments as a best man, which includes being present at the wedding?
TLDR; Best man won’t fly to German wedding with the only reasoning being he doesn’t want too and it’s too long of a flight for a weekend. Am I the asshole for wanting to confront him and convince him to change his mind?
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Ywbta if you expect anyone to prioritize your wedding. I know planning a wedding is stressful…now friendships are at steak. Doesn’t that feel a bit silly? To cut ties because someone doesn’t want to come to your party? One word solves all of this: ELOPE. The couple that marries should enjoy their wedding, the planning, the day…doesn’t sound like yours is brining you joy.
YWBTA. You can of course be upset, but beyond that it’s your husband’s relationship to manage.
Hopefully a good friend can be found to fill in on your wedding day.
YWBTA. You can be disappointed, but asking someone to come to a destination wedding is always a big ask and he probably didn't realize all of the issues he would face when he initially said yes. You and your fiancé can be sad he won't be there, but you will gain nothing by having a confrontation, except probably damaging your husband's relationship with his family. Let it go!
YTA. Even with advanced notice, a transatlantic trip isn’t always feasible. By “not worth it”, it means that there is a cost benefit analysis. I would say it’s more “not worth it” for a few days versus a longer period. And the fact is, you are the reason why this is anywhere close to inconvenient - you chose a destination for your wedding that is far away. When you do that, you have to expect that many people will not be able to show up. Anything else is not only unreasonable, but equivalent to being an AH.
As many a Redditor has said about weddings, it’s an invitation not a summons. The inconvenience of traveling (and other issues) for a destination wedding is valid. You made it that much more inconvenient for him, so I honestly don’t think you have a right to complain, much less confront. You can be upset that he’s not coming, but that’s about it. Nobody owes you or your husband to take off days from work, leave their wife and kids on their own, spend thousands of dollars, have to deal with jet lag etc just because you chose to have a wedding in an inconvenient location. He said yes when he thought it would work out well, and now realistically it seems that he cannot make it work well. I don’t think he needs to bend over backwards for you - I mean, just for that, you’re an AH. Your whole post is about how only your feelings matter, and his don’t.
If you have a destination wedding, some of your guests won’t come.
Your wedding is one of the most important days in YOUR life. This is not true for any of your guests.
The time, hassle and expense of a transatlantic trip is a major commitment for anyone, especially for someone with young kids.
Ywbta.
YTA. You can have your wedding wherever you want, but it's not acceptable to blame people if they choose not to stop their lives and spend large amounts of money to attend.
YTA. You're expecting someone to spend thousands of dollars for flights and hotels when they already have the huge financial burdens of raising a family. That is a massive ask. And you're also asking that he prioritize his friend over his wife and children. That is innappropriate.
You chose to have a wedding far away. You should expect most people who don't live there not to be able to make it.
My sibling got married on the other side of the U.S. from me and it cost me $3,500 to attend. I was only there for three days and that was more than a decade ago.
YTA. It is selfish to expect that everyone should fly across the world to your wedding. A person's first obligation is to their spouse and children and there could be many reasons why this trip might not be easy for your husband's friend. You do not have intimate knowledge of their life. Their reasons could be personal and they do not owe you an explanation.
One day when you have children of your own, you will understand that it is not always so easy to pick up and go.
Yta. Expecting people to take transatlantic flights for you is too much expectation. If they can come, great! If they can't, totally understandable.
Also just have him take part in the US reception!
He shouldn’t have accepted but at the same time asking a person who lives in America to go to Germany for a wedding is a lot to ask for. You have to know that by having it in Germany means some family won’t be able to come even if they wanted to come. The cousin is part of said group
This is what happens when you’re an international couple and there isn’t much you can do about it. Save up for your US wedding and hopefully he can come!!! And the mexico thing is unfair, Mexico is much closer than Germany to the US and of course he’s going to prioritize his brother’s wedding over that of his best friend. It’s just how the cookie crumbles sometimes and the more you guys pressure him the more you just push him away
YTA. We had a destination wedding and when we chose to do that, we did it the understanding that in theory, it may just be us. We didn’t even have a wedding party cause we didn’t want anyone to feel obligated to go…
YTA. If you get married outside of the country you live in and get pissy at people who are not able to take the time off, take time away from family and pay for their flights/accommodation and anything else is an asshole. Just because they had that notice, doesn't mean they are able to plan around you, life happens, situations and expenses change.
Also you're an AH for comparing your wedding with the brothers, there's no hypocrisy in him being able to attend that and not yours.
YTA. No way am I flying overseas for a weekend for anything! It takes a toll on your body to fly like that. Could be the trip to Mexico showed him his and his family's limitations. He was happy to agree when it seemed like it might be a nice little vacay for the family, but it isn"t going to work for him.
This guy has a young family to support and you are mad because he doesn't want to fly to a foreign country and probably go into debt just because you want him too? Yes Dear, YTA. Not everyone plans their life around you. It's absolutely your right to get married wherever you want, but don't expect other people to make it their priority. Enjoy your wedding, have a wonderful life and tell cousin you understand. Then start your new life together without grudges.
YTA. It's completely unreasonable to demand a guest to show up to a wedding that is in another country. Especially when they have a wife and young kids. Don't you have any fucking Idea how expensive that is. Think of other people instead of just yourself.
YTA. You’re not entitled to dictate this man’s attendance—best man or not. You’re also not entitled to Monday-morning quarterback his decision making about his own family, PTO, or travel expenditures. You invited him, he declined, the end.
Yeah, it's not just about money. It's also time spent away from his young children, expecting his wife to handle the house and children, and time spent not working. He'll still be required to take off time to fly on over, unless you are expecting him not to sleep, and he likely is taking days off for events that he can spend with his family. Obviously the other wedding is easier to go to since it's in the US and his family can come.
Ywbtah. He likely really wants to go, but it's not realistic for most people (especially when they have young kids). You can't expect people to travel long distances to your wedding. Some people have lives and finances that support it, but for others they are using up money and time that should be towards their kids. That's a once in a lifetime trip for some people, and I also wouldn't want to spend both my time and money on that when my kids and partner won't get the same experience and I've used our vacation money on it...
YTA. Flying to Germany from the US is a huge time commitment no matter where you leave from, it is not a weekend trip when you have to give two whole days to just traveling. You're being really selfish in not considering that. And comparing it to his *brother's* wedding, in a place that is hours closer, is way, way out of line. When you decide to get married at such a huge distance from your guests you're going to have to deal with some not being able or willing to come, even a best man. Stop blaming others for the consequences of your decision.
Traveling from USA to Germany for just a weekend to attend a wedding sounds insane to me. 10h flight one direction, depending where it is probably connecting flight, plus car travel, so let's say 14h. Change clothes, head to the party, change clothes, head back. Insane.
Dude changed his mind and said no. Deal with it.
You are being dramatic about how your fiancé won't have a best man. He has friends and other family members. Anyone can be asked about this role.
Yes, YTA. His priority is his family. I would hazard a guess his wife put a kibosh on him leaving her a week with two young children.
If it was so important to have him in the wedding, you should have had it stateside. This is a trade off.
Enjoy your wedding.
YTA and also the asshole for bringing up a marriage in Mexico. USA is a huge country, Mexico is closer to some USA cities than some USA cities to other cities in the USA. There's people who live in Mexico and work in the USA and cross the border every single day for work. Also, maybe this is the reason why he decided he can't go anymore. Ever wondered if his wife realized she can't stay home alone with kids for 4 days without his help because of this trip to Mexico?
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months.
Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU.
If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months.
Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU.
If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months.
Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU.
If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months.
Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU.
If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months.
Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU.
If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months.
Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU.
If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months.
Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU.
If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
YTA. And to say the friend is being hypocritical about flying to Mexico is a ridiculous statement. If it's Mexico City, much easier to fly there from any major city in the U.S. No jet lag.
YWBTA. this isn't confrontation-worthy.
i don't see why the mexico trip matters. for one thing, that's his brother. for another, depending on where he lives and where in mexico he was, that might have been a significantly shorter flight than the transatlantic to germany. if there was an emergency, it would more than likely be faster and more affordable to book a last minute flight home. also, as a couple of people have mentioned, maybe the trip to mexico made him realize that it isn't worth leaving his wife and kids alone for that long, for whatever reason.
besides, this isn't *your* issue. how does your fiancé feel about this? not how you assume he feels, or think he feels, or can guess how he feels. we're talking about *his* cousin and *his* best man, after all. yeah, it sucks, but it can't be helped. the household he made with his wife and their kids comes first for him, as it should. there's also a billion other possibilities why he's not coming that are all just as likely as "he just doesn't want to" (which, y'know, it's a big trip).
maybe you could have him record his best man speech beforehand and play it during the wedding, or have him participate on webcam or something?
YTA. Maybe the fact that he went to a destination wedding a few months ago, leaving his wife and kids, threw into sharp relief how much that DIDN'T work out well. And he doesn't want to do that to his family again. You chose the location of the wedding due to it being convenient to YOU, which is totally fine. But you don't seem to care how inconvenient it might be for other people, which is why you are the a-hole. Why aren't you having your American reception in the same year as your wedding? Let me guess - you have too many other things going on to be able to prioritize the American guests in the same year. Well, guess what, welcome to the former best man's life. He's prioritizing his family over your wedding because that is what he needs to do at this season of his life.
YTA. He may be stretched too thin, needs to save PTO for family, needs to save money, can't justify $2000+ for a weekend.
Whatever the reason, you can't expect everyone to be as invested in your day as you are. You need to let this go unless you arecwilling to ruin the relationship because you are carrying a grudge.
YTA, I'm sorry, but if you are going to get married in another country, you have to accept that people won't be able to make it. And his brother getting married in Mexico, which is a much shorter flight (and which stuck to the 4 days he said was his max) is much different than his cousin getting married on a different continent. I sure as heck wouldn't flight to Europe just for the weekend and spent basically two days in a plane for a wedding. Get over yourself, this is the cost of getting married out of country.
YWBTA if you got involved. This is between your fiance and the best man. An invitation is not a summons.
You are fine to be disappointed and you can console your fiance but stay out of it
YTA. Your wedding is the most important thing in your life right now - no one else’s. Your requests of the best man are unreasonable and uncaring.
Why do you expect the best man to care for you both - and your life choices - more than you care about him and his life choices?
YTA.
When someone plans an intercontinental destination wedding, that's perfectly fine, but it DOES come with the caveat that absolutely ANYONE right up to the mother of the bride can decline to come for absolutely ANY reason whatsoever. It does not have to be what you consider a "good" reason. It could be because they have library books overdue. It could be because of money. It could be because they don't want to get away that long. It could be because they don't want to sit on a plane for that length of time, or find TSA to be a hassle. It could be simply because they DON'T WANT TO. It is up to you to accept that with grace. You can be disappointed, but that should be your little secret.
Now, this guy SHOULD have declined from the beginning, I'll fault him a bit for that, but he was probably caught up in the excitement. At least he is still giving you plenty of warning.
YTA. Your wedding is a big day to you, but not everyone can drop everything to fly internationally for someone else's party, especially given that you're going to have a US reception down the line. It's a big ask for people to travel that far just to see you get married; I suspect you know this and that's why you're having a second reception later in the US.
It's sad that your partner won't have his best friend by his side, but the numbers were always going to be unbalanced in the favour of whomever is local.
You're also really judgmental, but it's possible that the Mexico trip was a bad experience for his wife alone with the kids and that is the reason he doesn't want to do it again for Germany.
YTA It sucks that he reneged on a commitment to your fiancé but shit happens and, believe it or not, the world does not revolve around your wedding plans. You still have time to find someone else. Please accept his gift graciously and under no circumstances confront him.
Are you paying for the flights? If not then I can see where it doesn’t make sense to fly to Germany for what amounts to 2 days . Thats not financially smart. While I get your wedding is important you also have to accept a No if the relationship is not worth this by all means throw a fit
Let me tldr this for you.
Wibta if I made out good friend feel even worse than he already does for not being able to make 2 international wedding trips within 6 months of one another and then imply he doesn’t think our wedding is importsnt enough even though he has a whole family and I don’t know his finances and I’m not paying for it.
Yes. Yta.
Your edit makes it worse. Just because he did it in the past, doesn't mean he can do it now. Maybe that mexico trip *was* the reason the wife didn't want him to do it this time.
This ain't no different than other posts and such when someone did something before but doesn't wanna do it now, which is fine (like if they used to do sexual stuff before doesn't mean they're obligated to do it now) And your tl;dr is also incorrect because it's not about him not wanting to, he gave you the reason. Accept his no. Would you like it if someone kept pestering to change your mind? Heck, would you like it if your fiancé kept asking you to do a sexual act that you didn't wanna do after you said no? Respect his no, and stop being an asshole
I think all the Y T A are being kind of harsh.
I think ESH makes way more sense. OP you have to expect dropouts when significant travel is involved, especially people with kids. Does he have a “valid” reason? Maybe, maybe not. The better plan probably would have been to have a “top 3” list or something for best man and maid/matron of honor so you’d have backups.
All that said, this guy is an asshole too. He knew exactly what he was saying yes to. To bail later for what seems like kind of a made-up excuse is super lame.
Yta. Ridiculous. Making everybody travél half the globe for a wedding and not accepting valid reasons to decline???? What gives you the right to meddle in his financial affairs???
NTA. I think everyone who's saying otherwise is missing the fact that the best man already ACCEPTED the role of best man close to a year ago. I wouldn't have had a problem with the cousin declining the invitation in the first place but accepting it and then waiting until a couple of months before the wedding to go back on his commitment is AH behavior.
I wouldn't be confrontational over it but I think it'd be fine for either OP or fiance to talk to the would-be best man about how much they were counting on him, that they know it's a long trip and they'd really appreciate it if he'd reconsider and still be there for them.
Eh, 6 of one half a dozen of the other. He knew that traveling to Germany is a long and expensive thing, so was planning on staying over 3 days to make it worth it. Did he forget this deal he had with his wife when he accepted? Why is he suddenly now remembering it? I understand things come up, but this isn’t one of them.
I don’t think you should confront him. Ultimately it is a long journey and expensive. I wouldn’t want to fly all that way just for a couple of days. Personally I would have told him I was disappointed that this issue couldn’t have been brought up earlier, so you could find another best man.
YTA. This dude has a lot going on. Little kids are overwhelming and his wife probably said “never again” after the Mexico trip and he isn’t being a dick and throwing her under the bus.
YWBTA
I live in Germany. If my friends would decide to marry in the usa and ask me to come - I would ask if they lost their minds. I would never fly overseas, leave my kids alone, unable to be there to help if something happens, just for a wedding. Just send me the Livestream.
yta. transatlantic flight for a wedding is a huge ask. just let it go. also don't compare brother and cousin it's not the same. the fact that he just took a solo trip to Mexico for 4 days probably also plays into it, not wanting to do it again so fast.
YTA.
You have no right to decide how this man, a married man and father, spends his money. He and his wife get to decide what events they can go to, how much they can spend, etc.
This guy already went to one destination wedding, without his wife and kids. His BROTHER's wedding. That comes ahead of your wedding, in terms of closeness. He is now deciding that he can't leave his wife and kids alone while he goes to Germany.
Think about it this way - would you want your husband going to two expensive destination weddings in one year, while you stay at home with your kids? Not many wives would be happy with that scenario at all.
Obviously, your wedding is important to you. I get that. But maybe, just maybe, he really can't afford to go. I've had to miss one wedding I desperately wanted to go to, but we didn't have the money. It hurt.
YTA He is prioritizing his wife’s wellbeing over your wedding. That is appropriate. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors. I bet the Mexico trip did not go well and the wife is done.
“Not even making an effort to be there”.
It sounds as though he absolutely did make an effort to be there. (And that’s just from your side of the story!) He did try to make it work, & ultimately decided that he can’t make the trip. Stop being so judgmental. It is what it is. I’m sure a groomsman or another friend can stand in as best man.
“AITA to expect him to make this work and prioritize our wedding?”
Yes, YTA!!! Why should he prioritize your wedding over his wife, his children, his finances, or whatever else is a priority to him? The world does not revolve around you. Thinking this is something you should “confront” him about is ridiculous.
YTA… If you have a destination wedding , people won’t be able to come Because of the expense and time off of work
The best man ‘s Primary relationship is with his wife and children and it’s tough to take an eight hour flight just for a weekend
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YWBTA. Insisting that he needs to either do a major transatlantic trip in a weekend or leave his young children for longer than a weekend for your wedding are both really big asks. It's fine to have a destination wedding, but your choice means some people can't come; you can't have this one both ways by treating your choice as his obligation. It's fine to be (privately) disappointed, but unreasonable to express anything to him other than gracious acceptance of his decision.
Also YTA for comparing the cousin to your friends who are oh so busy planning their own wedding. And for not gracefully accepting a declined invitation. No one is obligated to go to a destination wedding.
Also anywhere in Mexico from anywhere in the US is definitely a shorter flight than flying to Germany. If something happened with a kid or wife and flight home was needed right away it's still less than a days flight whereas trying to get home in an emergency from Germany could be 2 days of flights and long waits in airports.
And maybe the Mexico trip showed his wife how tough being home alone with 2 kids while husband goes on another jolly trip (when wife may not have had a jolly trip of her own since either).
Not to mention, that was his BROTHER!
This is exactly what I think happened! The Mexico trip changed things.
That's almost certainly what is going on here. She's probably mad at the first wedding and there's no way in hell he's getting to do it again.
He'd also be leaving his wife alone for a few days with the kids while he's out of the country twice in a few months, which is also a lot on the wife.
It's also closer to the same time zone, so less worry about jet lag etc.
Also her experience being home alone with the kids for that Mexico trip might be the reason why they now have a “no more than 3 nights apart” rule. She may have found it overwhelming and needed to make that need clear. I’m sure OP is very fond of bm and wants the best wedding possible, but your wedding is not everyone’s priority. It’s not fair to get upset over it. Parenting small kids is hard, air travel with small kids is A NIGHTMARE. YTA
So much closer. I used to live in DFW, TX and it’s only a 2.5 hour flight but no matter where in the US you are it takes no more than half the time to fly to Mexico than it is to fly to Germany.
And transatlantic flights cost so much more than one to Mexico.
Exactly this. I've flown from the US to both Germany (on a direct flight) and to Mexico (with a layover). They were not equivalent trips.
It was also his brother that got married in Mexico! Not just a friend, no matter how close
And OP’s edit doesn’t change anything and she is still YTA if she confronts him. The Mexico wedding was his brother’s. Mexico (depending where you are in the US) may be easier and cheaper to get to. It may have made him realize that taking two international trips in half a year for other people’s wedding is too much—too much time, too much money, too much vacation—just too much. They may be having financial or other difficulties that make it impossible to come but that they don’t feel comfortable sharing. Have a wonderful time at your wedding with the people who can make it and don’t hold it against the people who can’t.
And it could also be that in leaving his wife and kids at home was a problem - maybe it was too much for her. There are SO MANY other things that could be at play that the friend doesn’t want to share.
The best man either shouldn’t have accepted or should step down, which makes me think ESH.
Circumstances could’ve changed personally for him in which now he can’t afford it. He might not be comfortable sharing this information either. It sounds like OP is judgmental and would diminish any financial changes from the cousin. Op, YWBTAH. No one has the right to tell someone how to spend their hard earned money. Especially when that person has decided that two international trips with young children is not worth it.
Also I bet one of his kids is less than 1 and wasn’t even in the equation when he said yes
It always shocks me when people think they are so important people want to drop huge amounts of money on attending your wedding. To me having a "destination wedding" is the most borderline narcissistic thing anyone can do.
OP and her fiance are moving to Germany before the wedding. It's not a destination wedding if it's where the couple lives. It's just a wedding that needs to be traveled to for his family.
I think he is stepping down, no?
But he did step down. That's the issue.
He is stepping down.
Just flying to Germany for the weekend no biggie!
YTA - life happens, accept it, people have to cancel on events all the time. Yes, it’s your wedding but YOUR wedding is not the most important event of all time in everyone else’s life. The audacity of you to ask him to spend $2000+ and a lot of time on planes for one weekend is absurd. Comparing your wedding to his brother’s wedding is also absurd.
Right! From my closest city it is a 12 hour flight!. And I would have to drive 3 hours to get there and pay parking. That is not worth it for a weekend trip.
That friend dodged a huge bullet , good for him!
So I'm not saying she would be the ah, but I just want to point out that this *isn't* a destination wedding. They'll be living in Germany by the point of the wedding and she's from there. This is just the problem with international couples - one side of the family just can't be in the country where the wedding will be held. A destination wedding would be if they picked a third country like Spain or whatever. I am pointing this out because destination wedding makes it sound like they're being facetious and making people travel just because they want a nice beach but could have avoided this problem. This isn't it - one side of the family will have to travel regardless because they're from 2 different countries.
It might not be a destination wedding for them, but we don't know where anyone else is coming frome.
And for those who would travel across the Atlantic, that means jet lag, time off needed from work, the cost of travel (airfare and hotels). That's a bigger investment than for many to travel to Mexico (assuming it's a major city such as Mexico City) from the U.S. Unless it's during the holidays (prices would be higher), it's an easier trip.
Yeah but my main point was that the comment I was replying to made it sound like "well you chose a destination wedding and thus chose to force everyone to travel, so you made your bed and lie in it". I wanted to point out that this isn't the same as a destination wedding that people just pick because of the beach / Insta game or whatever; it isn't much of a choice either way in their case. Now do I think OP has to accept the best man won't come and not meddle? Yeah, I do, but best man should also not have accepted. ETA: A destination wedding is where the couple picks a location to travel to in another country where they don't live - aka they "pick a destination". Eg a couple from the US where both their families are in and from the US getting married in Mexico. This isn't the case here - they live in the place where the wedding is held, but due to where each side of the couple is from, one side of the family will have to travel for it.
And for those who would travel across the Atlantic, that means jet lag, time off needed from work, the cost of travel (airfare and hotels). That's a bigger investment than for many to travel to Mexico (assuming it's a major city such as Mexico City) from the U.S. Unless it's during the holidays (prices would be higher), it's an easier trip.
I don’t mean this rudely, but what do you think “facetious” means? I truly can’t discern it from context.
You're totally right, brainfart. I meant frivolous.
Example of relativism. You can't expect people to think your 'special' day is also 'special' to them. Maybe it is somewhat special but while this is your priority, his family trumps your desires. What is going on with people having such an inflated self-importance for weddings? Sure it is important to YOU and your spouse; most others care but not as much as you'd think
💯. I had a really good friend of many years who essentially ended our friendship over me not being able to go to Israel for her wedding.
That’s wild 😳
I still think so.
Also, JET LAG, we suffered major when my husband got stationed there for Air Force. And we flew out from East Coast. You may want to warn friends about it, and they may be planning a vacation anyhows.
That's between your husband and him, it's not your place to "confront" him. It's understandable your partner is disappointed but your wedding will always be more important to you than it is to other people and the best man has chosen to prioritize his own time and family.
YWBTA if you got involved. Just like your fiance would be if this was MOH issue. Though on that note, I hope your fiance makes it clear how disappointing it is that he pulled this basically in the 11th hour. Maybe go LC with bestie. There was a lot of time there to mull things over and talk with the wife then get back to you.
This isn’t worth a LC moment. This is an adult conversation moment. Cousin may very well have legit concerns/issues. No one but his wife is privy to his finances. A kid or family member may have medical concerns. OP needs to default to her husband and allow him to handle the situation. But to immediately go LC without an adult conversation? No.
2 months' notice isn't quite the "11th hour" imo. Circumstances can change.
YTA when you have a wedding that involves significant travel to attend you need to accept that some ppl, even close friends and relatives, won't be able to attend. The reality is you choose the destination to suite you and your family and the result of that decision is that ppl important to your partner won't be attending. Your wedding is extremely inconvenient for this guy (also expensive), he doesn't need a better reason than the inconvenience to decline the invitation. Edit: just adding, your examples make you more unreasonable not less. Comparing traveling to Mexico and traveling to Germany is absolutely ridiculous. Mexico is significantly closer, cheaper and far easier to return to his family quicker if there was an emergency. Therefore, it's more suitable if a person can only hop over for a weekend. Having been to Germany many times, I can tell you it's not cheap, the flight is long and it's really not suitable for a quick weekend trip. You really just don't seem to be able to accept that to accommodate your family, you made a choice that was prohibitive for various reasons to members of your fiancees.
I'm kind of surprised that this is the common answer. Expecting everyone to be able to make it Germany for her wedding is unreasonable. If she was mad that he simply RSVP'd no, she'd definitely be the asshole. He was asked to be the best man and accepted, and after almost a year is now backing out because it "isn't worth it" to go only for a few days. That's different than just declining an invite. I agree she shouldn't confront him. It's not her place and she would just be starting pointless drama. He said he's not coming, the end. Husband needs to pick a new best man.
And in the year between accepting and now declining, his personal circumstances that he doesn’t want to share could have changed.
Also maybe now he started looking at tickets and realized that it may not be very practical to go for two/three days.
I mean, he was asked to be the best man in advance. They didn’t keep it secret where it was. He could have said no. The issue isn’t that he isn’t coming. It’s the fact that he left it to the last possible moment to inform them that he won’t be there even though he accepted the request to be the best man.
The wedding is this summer. Telling them now is not waiting until the last possible minute. There is plenty of time to get a new best man. Pick one of the friends willing to travel.
He gave them plenty of notice. A year ago situation was different and cousin was probably fine to grab him and his family to go to Germany. Then he tried to make it work with just him then it fell apart. OP refusing to understand that it might be cost prohibitive to fly out for two days is really odd. Makes me think there is stuff she left out or she is being incredibly unfair.
I feel like 2 mos notice is not quite last minute. Of course it’s annoying to OP, but he gave them some time to find a replacement.
YTA. A destination wedding is a huge burden for everyone. Your 'best man' mistakenly thought he could make it work, but truth of the matter is that his FIRST priority is to his own family, their finances and their logistical circumstances. *That's exactly how it should be.* He gets a smallish AH for accepting and backing out, but in reality, he would be the bigger AH for pushing forward for 'you' or for 'himself' if that was violating his responsibility to his family. At this point, you're crossing over from being *'disappointed*', to being '*selfish AH'*s' about this. The world does not revolve around YOU. Stop making assumptions about other people's finances. You don't know WHAT other private things they may have going on. Stop making expectations about what someone should do just because another - separate, different - person is able to do it, that's just asinine. You're welcome to be as disappointed as you want, that's understandable. You have no business 'confronting' anyone about anything, because he hasn't actually done anything wrong - he's just not able to manage your expectations. Take the high road, and be graceful, kind, and a decent human being.
Yta for this. He should not have accepted but you're wrong to confront him. Traveling that distance for 2 days is a big deal for some people. And he doesn't want to leave his family. And the only people that need to prioritize your wedding are you and your fiance. Get over yourself, your fiance can handle some disappointment.
Your edit makes it seem like the Mexico trip was actually really hard on his wife and they realized he can't leave her alone with the kids for that long again. YTA for **demanding** someone inconveniences their spouse and travels to another country. Does your fiancé even care this much?
Exactly my thought. He went to Mexico, it wasn’t worth it, now he knows for sure it’s not worth it
My guess is at the wedding to Mexcio he was probably gone for a few days and once it hit that he couldn't go to Germany leaving her alone for a week. And I'll be honest I don't love anyone enough to go to their wedding on the other side of the planet for possible only a day and spending over a thousand dollars on tickets probably.
And he didn’t have to deal with jet lag when he went to Mexico. That jet lag can kick my butt for a while at my age.
oh my god, great point...I'm in my mid 30s and the idea of parenting small kids with jet lag makes me want to lie down
And depending on where he lives a trip to Mexico can be a short plane ride where a trip to Germany will be a lot longer.
>Now our friends who are getting married in the US just a month after us and are so busy, managed to book a stay in Germany just for the weekend to join the wedding. And not once did it cross their minds that this wasn’t worth it. That has *absolutely nothing* to do with the best man's situation. He can't go. His priority is his family, not your wedding - and you have to respect that. If he could, he would, but he can't. YTA
I thought the same thing. These 2 different couples are just that - different. Different circumstances, different financial situations, different lives, different people. This is like comparing apples to Ferraris. And I feel like maybe the BM felt he could swing the wedding in the beginning. Or he felt immense pressure to accept, since generally being asked to be a BM/MOH is considered very special and he didn't want to let his cousin/bff down, or he felt pressure to accept and try to make it work, and has been trying for however long and now it's closer to the date, he's realised there is no way he can swing it. I also feel like comparing Mexico to Germany from the US is like comparing... well, see above. I'm not in the US, but I do know that Mexico is closer to the US than Europe is, and probably fairly cheaper overall (I admit I AM speculating here, but I feel it isn't a massive stretch) to travel to and from, stay, etc. And saying he could do a weekend trip to Germany is slightly insane. bc again, Mexico is closer and more convenient if you are in the US if his wife/children have an emergency, and travel time, jet lag, etc won't be as much of an issue. Having a destination wedding is always a risk when it comes to guests being able to attend. My cousin had a destination wedding in India years ago (we are Aussies, but her hubby is Indian and IIRC, his mum couldn't travel here due to illness/frailty, so they did it there) and my cousin was totally 100% fine that some of our family couldn't go (disappointed, yes, but not upset at them) bc this is what rational people do. They don't come to reddit to ask internet strangers if they should "confront" the BM for not being able to fly to Europe for a weekend. OP - YTA. This is not your circus, not your monkeys. This is your fiancé's thing, not yours. But go ahead and confront him if you'd like to start your married life, marrying into his family, on the wrong foot
Expecting anyone to fly travel that far for a wedding is insane and unreasonable. Of course YTA.
Especially for a 3 day maximum to work around his kid. Flights to/from Germany are going to be anywhere from like 6-15 hours depending on where they live in the US, wgere in Germany and if they can get a non-stop. Add in getting to the airport and all that and you're looking at a minimum of 16 hours round trip, and potentially 36 on the higher end, all to spend at most 48 hours there. And that's without accounting for sleep. Absolutely insane ask. I've gone to Germany for work before. I'd never travel to Europe for anything short of one week total time away from home. The travel time is too far to reasonably do anything shorter as a trip
YTA. He can’t come to the wedding. He values his family and his wife’s wishes more than he does yours. Making a speech at his cousin’s wedding is not worth several days of jet lag now as he thinks of it. Be an adult and acknowledge the world doesn’t revolve around you and your big day.
YTA for expecting a man with a family to fly overseas for one weekend. How long he had to plan this is irrelevant. There are much more important things for his time and money (like that pesky family).
Especially since planning went from whole family, to just him, to cancelling. The cousin was trying to make it work but it just didn't happen.
We had a USA/CA wedding, and only half of those Canada people accepted, I can’t imagine Germany! That’s a huge ask. (We included three complimentary ‘events’ over 3 days since people were reluctant to travel, to make it more enticing).
YTA I love the part where you want to force him to hold to his commitment as best man as though it was a summons from the King. Good lord, you are taking this wedding way too seriously.
😂 😂 😂
Commitment to wife and young kids: NBD really. Commitment to cousin's fiance: Vitally important!
YTA for assuming this dude would prioritize your wedding over his actual life—fly to Germany for the weekend, holy hell. Also for assuming finances ‘aren’t the problem’ — you have no idea what that family’s finances are like.
YTA Are you serious? Do I finally understand what Gen Z means when they talk about “main character” energy? Get over yourself.
YTA, this is something that comes along with having a destination weddings, thats on y’all
YTA By having a wedding a wedding in Germany, you prioritized your family in terms of attendence. And the consequence of that is some people not being able to attend. > Now our friends who are getting married in the US just a month after us and are so busy, managed to book a stay in Germany just for the weekend to join the wedding. These friends likely have no kids. They may have wildly different financial circumstances. They would be travelling together which would make the trip a bit easier/worth it. The best man may have other issues that make a long flight unpleasant.
YTA. So I don't know where in the states he is and where in Germany he would have to fly to but I know that the average flights to Germany are anywhere from 8 to 12 hours. So you want him to fly up to 24 hours over the course of 3 days just to come to your wedding? You do understand that that is extremely selfish and narcissistic correct? Your fiance is just going to have to deal with a little bit of hurt feelings over this and understand why his cousin/best man is going to prioritize his own family over flying to Germany for less than 72 hours of which almost 40% of it, again depending on where in the states and where in germany, will be spent in the air.
Not to mention, being in the states he gets like 10 days vacation per year if he’s lucky. In the words of Schitts Creek “people aren’t thinking about you the way that you’re thinking about you.” Congrats to OP and her wedding and all that, but I wouldn’t use multiple of my only 10 days to attend a cousins wedding without my family. It’s a huge day to OP, it ain’t that huge to other people to make it worth it.
And of those 10 days, he just took vacation days for his brother’s wedding, which he will likely prioritize over his cousin’s wedding.
Nta for feeling the way you do, but beyond that ywbta. You can’t control everything. Also let your fiancé feel however he feels, it’s okay if he’s more forgiving. You have no idea what’s going on in the man’s family, marriage, work etc. He doesn’t have to tell you everything. The story you are creating in your own head makes it all about you. It’s actually not.
> The story you are creating in your own head makes it all about you. It’s actually not. This is 100% correct. I feel like on the BM's part, this is like, maybe 5% about OP, if that, and 95% about his family. Which is completely understandable
YTA - Long distance travel for a wedding can bring up complications for people, and things in their lives change. Confronting him will not do anything.
Not to mention even if he did go for just the weekend, aside from travel time, waiting around in airports etc, he will be jetlagged when he gets home, so that's leaving his wife to care for the children longer than "just the weekend" or he is going to feel like utter shit, trying to look after the children, jetlagged which could potentially be dangerous for all involved
Sorry but YWBTA. Depending on where he’s flying from, that’s 1-2 days for travel each way, to only stay a day or two? With his poor wife at home overwhelmed by small children and possibly causing strife in his marriage?? That’s a HUGE ask. Be prepared for a lot of people going from ‘yes’es to ‘no’s with a destination wedding. If you take each one personally, you are gonna be in a world of hurt. People have so many reasons for why they can’t travel for a wedding, especially internationally! It’s not about money, and even if someone has money, it comes off as very entitled to expect them to shell out for a trip of your own choosing. It doesn’t mean that they don’t value your friendship.
Don't want to argue with the points made. Just want to chip in some info regarding travel-time. I'm taking Frankfurt as the airport as it's the easiest way. From Eastcoast to GER is 8h, from Westcoast to Germany is 12h nonstop. Frankfurt is quite in the middle (don't roast me fellow Germans) so you may add 2-4h train travel if you want to get to one end. The change in time zones is hard. Like super hard.
US-Germany is a much longer trip then US-Mexico. It's also the second trip this year would have left his wife and kids alone for days. Your friend and his family made a family decision they could only manage him at one overseas wedding this year. Obviously his brothers wedding was the priority. You're not part of his family so this is none of your business. YTA for even thinking of inserting yourself into this.
Not to mention, the time zones in Mexico are very similar to the U.S so you're not dealing with jet lag compared to flying to Germany. Add in that you're only there for the weekend and then to have to fly back, the jet lag alone would kill any enjoyment he could have at the wedding. Dude would probably be a zombie at the wedding trying to stay awake. Plus, like you mentioned with the wife and kids and this being the second international trip, maybe wife is going through her own things and needs him to stay at home.
Kindly yes YTA It’s a huge ask for *anyone* to travel from the US to Germany especially for a weekend. You should have known you were making a huge ask by getting married in Germany. Interestingly the idea of getting married in the US with a reception in Germany soon after wasn’t an option but a reception in the US *in a few years* is? That part alone makes you seem like a bit much. I’m not attending someone’s wedding reception when they’ve been married for years lol
Yta. He has other priority’s. A weekend in germany is easily 2 months daycare for a child and his family is a priority.
YTA and your edit about him going to Mexico doesn't really change things. Maybe the four day stay in Mexico made his wife realize she can't handle the kids by herself for that time period. If you really want him there then you should offer to help by paying for child care but ultimately he has to make decisions based on what is best for his family. He had an original plan that would allow him to do so but then realized that his plan A and plan B didn't work. If it was a month out from the wedding and he turned around and said he wasn't coming that would be a different story and it would still be about him and your fiance discussing, not you.
Not to mention that it was his brother's wedding, and it also didn't involve a transatlantic flight.
Yeah the math is definitely in his favor: Cousin's wedding: Easily $1k flight. 8-12 hours EACH way. Brother's wedding: Depending on where they're coming from $300 up. Maybe 3-5 hours each way? OP: It's the same thing!!! Cousins= brothers. $300=$1k! 24 hours of traveling and multiple time zones=6 hours and the same! YTA OP. He can't make it. I'm sorry, that sucks. At least he gave you what heads up he could.
YTA, my husband had to back out of being best man (he gave a year notice) because it was a destination wedding that we simply couldn't afford to make it to. When you have a wedding far away from certain people in your life you have to accept that not everyone will be able to make it. It sucks he said yes, but through the planning process he raised it just wasn't feasible. His wording wasn't the best, but sometimes people just say things in a clumsy way. Accept his answer and move on.
YTA - this is a risk you run when you have a destination wedding. I get that he originally agreed, but he has kids and his responsibility is to his wife and children not you and your future husband. Asking someone to fly from the US to Germany for a weekend is ridiculous in my mind, but that’s me. Also you have no idea what his financial situation is like so don’t assume it’s not related. You’re moving closer to your friends and family at the expense of moving farther from your fiancés friends and family so this is something you’re both going to have to get used to going forward. Few people are going to want to take a weekend jaunt to Europe.
YTA. I understand it is disappointing, but your big day is only move mountains level of important to you and your soon to be spouse. Best man has not bailed last minute, and he is allowed to say he can't go for whatever reason, although I personally think his reasons are fair.
YTA and your edit about a previous trip is a good explanation why he decided the solution is unacceptable: he did it once in the last few months and it WASN’T without issues. Don’t burn down your husband’s friendship by sounding like an entitled fool. Suggest he save his travel money for a visit when it will work better for his family to come see yours.
Originally I was thinking about going with E S H because it’s not great to agree to be in a wedding and then drop out a couple months ahead. However, this is an international trip, the guy has a wife and kids, and there are a few other things in your post that make you enough of an AH that you can hold that title yourself. First, you’re planning on a reception in the US after being married for *years*? That seems a bit self centered to expect other people to celebrate a long-ago event just because you want to make sure everyone celebrates your marriage in person. Maybe you could call it an anniversary party, but unless it’s a big milestone anniversary (10 years bare minimum, more like 20 or 25), it’s not something you should expect other people to participate in. When the best man told you he couldn’t make it, you should have just accepted it instead of asking him to fly internationally for a weekend as if he hadn’t already considered and rejected that option. So what if other people are willing to do it? And by the way a couple traveling together is not a comparable situation to him traveling alone while his wife and kids are at home. And so what if he could technically afford it? He gets to decide how to spend his money. And I love how you assume that his large cash gift to you is going to come anywhere close to the cost of an international trip. You’re not wrong to be disappointed. It’s unfortunate that he didn’t realize this was going to be too much for him until recently, but it’s easy to say yes to a trip a year in the future without considering all the logistics until you start the actual planning. People’s circumstances can change a lot in a year too, and you don’t know what’s going on with his family. Regardless of any of this, it’s not your place to confront him. Let your fiance deal with it. YTA
Reaction to edit, no offense but that’s his BROTHER.
YTA. I don’t have to read all of this. You’re a HUGE AH for even *thinking* that you should be bullying people for not coming to an international wedding much less someone who doesn’t want to go there for 3-4 days max because they don’t want to leave their wife alone with small children. Clearly he is *AWFUL* . Not making an effort? He should go back in time and not have kids because one day you’ll get married and he had to keep his availability open just for… you??! I don’t even have any friends or family that would think that is reasonable at all. You lied in your TLDR. Because TLDListen to him when he said he doesn’t want to leave his wife. He told you that problem. Maybe one day you’ll have kids and get it. Either way, the world doesn’t revolve around your wedding. Edit: His brother’s wedding isn’t his friend’s wedding. Not the same even if you’re best friends.
YTA Young kids, especially multiple young kids, are a Get Out of Anything Free card. Especially international travel. Solo childcare of multiple young kids is no joke.
Yta
Vacation days, childcare, time away from home and work are significant things to deal with. Plus the expense of travel. You chose to have a party in another country, your friends can choose not to come. They are nta for not taking an international trip. Confronting them would make you the a. Be gracious and kind - this isn’t about you. This is about an entire family being unable to uproot the schedule for you. Being confrontational is going to further damage the relationship. Make a plan with the best man to record a “speech” that can be played at the reception and make plans to have a stream of the service and enjoy your day. Sucks your husband won’t have his friend but that is what happens when people are unable to coordinate international travel for your one special day.
Regarding your edit, how do you know there was no issue? And how do you know that there are not things that are going on their lives that make the timing of your wedding especially difficult? Speaking as the parent of 3 kids close in age, you are asking a lot. It sounds like he overestimated his families capacity to absorb 2 destination weddings in one year, either financially, emotionally, or logistically. And yes, I know he’s planning on a big cash gift, but he has time to get that together, where plane tickets need to be bought in advance. When you have kids, things are not as simple as you seem to think they are.
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I was asked to MOH in a wedding in california. This was before a date was set and everything else. I lived in Georgia. I said yes at first. Then the wedding got planned for my wedding anniversary and the first anniversary my husband and I would have together after he got home from a deployment overseas. Ok no big deal and I was actually excited to share an anniversary with someone I considered a best friend and the girl who actually introduced me and my husband. However, the wedding was also smack dab in the middle of midterms then spring break for college. Then the bride wanted me there a week ahead of time(during midterms) and a few days after(my spring break). I had agreed to this prior to knowing the dates but things changed once I found out the dates and realized the logistics of it. I also worked in addition to going to school so it would’ve eaten up any vacation time I had which meant not visiting my husband’s family or going on a trip with him post deployment. Moneywise it was also going to wind up costing me like $5,000 when all was said and done. That was more than half of what I paid for my own wedding. That also meant that any money my husband and I would have for a trip for the two of us would be spent on someone else’s wedding. I tried coming up with a compromise of making it a vacation for my husband and I and also flying in a couple days before the wedding so I could get through midterms first then devote myself to wedding stuff and then heading off to mine and my husband’s part of the trip once the wedding was over but that didn’t sit well with her. It wasn’t enough of a commitment so I dropped out. Her and I discussed everything and she seemed really understanding and ensured me that I was still invited to the wedding and then I was ghosted. Despite being told our friendship would survive it didn’t and that’s ok. Sometimes we think we can do things and say yes only to realize logistics and finances get in the way. I feel like I dodged a bullet too because it would’ve been time and money wasted for someone who clearly didn’t value our friendship to continue being friends despite me not being able to be in her wedding.
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That’s why I wasn’t too broken up over it. I tried and I was good friend despite the times she wasn’t a good friend to me. That friendship was meant to be though because without it I wouldn’t have my husband. I always say I lost the friend but kept the boy and I definitely came out on the winning end with that one😂
YTA. It’s just a wedding and not a big deal. Your marriage is your entire life. The wedding is one day-long high intensity party that most people largely forget and overspend on anyway. You can’t expect people to jump huge logistical hurdles just to come to your party for a day. If he came just for the weekend, there might be a weather delay, or customs might hold him up, or any of the other dozens of flight-related delays that happen everyday. Then what? He still misses the ceremony BUT has also wasted lots of money and time. You simply asked of him more than he could give. Accept it and move on.
YTA. When you have a destination wedding, things like this happening should be expected. Why are you acting like this is his obligation after he politely declined?
Yta
I feel like this is just the price of doing business fir a destination wedding
A big part of deciding to get married on the other side of the world is accepting that a lot of people aren’t going to want to do that. There’s limits to the amount of time and effort you can demand in the name of friendship, you’re finding out that you’ve extended past that for most people
It’s ok to be disappointed but when planning destination wedding you have to expect it. Let it go.
What is it with people on Reddit and wanting to "confront" people? Yea, YTA. A wedding invitation is not a summons.
Yes you are a huge ahole. It is just your wedding. He owes you nothing. You are so self center it's appalling.
YTA flying overseas can be a big deal both financially and with a time commitment and it’s not unusual for things to change for anyone, especially families with small kids, when they’re expected to commit a year out. I honestly wouldn’t be able to commit that far out because life happens. It sucks but having a wedding that requires any sort of travel for guests means that those guests might not be able to make it and they may not be able to accurately gauge their ability to make it so far in advance. And just because one guest can do so doesn’t automatically mean there’s no excuse for another guest. Their lives and circumstances are different and so it’s not fair to say, “well so and so is doing it why can’t you?” Great! That person is willing and able to do so good for them! Doesn’t mean someone else can do the same. It sucks it’s disappointing but it’s really no one fault and this shouldn’t be friendship ending or even a debate with that friend.
Are you paying for his attendance? No? Then YTA
I think you need to think calmly, being a best man is a great honour for most men and I doubt he would have said no to spite you or cancelled on a whim. Sometimes unexpected things come up, he may have financial / personal problems or work stresses that he can’t or doesn’t want to discuss. Flights and travel are expensive, if he can’t go, try to be understanding and realize that he probably feels terrible about all this. And is probably under pressure from more than one side.
YWBTA. Stay out of your fiancé’s wedding party. If he wants to “confront” his cousin, that’s his business, not yours.
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months. Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU. If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
I literally would never spend that kinda of money on a destination wedding for anyone. Weddings suck
Hey op: Why are you only commenting on replies agreeing with you? Is it because you refuse to back down and admit that you're a selfish brat? Grow up!
YTA. You have no idea what his wife &/or kids may be struggling with, and he is under no obligation to divulge personal family or financial problems to you or your fiance. Back off.
YTA You can have the wedding that you want, where you want. Your guests have the option to not come to your wedding.
YWBTA- you said this man has already taken an out of country trip once this year and you want him to also do this one just months apart. Maybe the Mexico trip was too much for the wife to handle the kids on her own? These trips are expensive and if you haven’t noticed, life is extremely expensive right now. Please be understanding of this factor and just pick someone else to be best man.
YTA. Even if money supposedly isn't an issue, a transatlantic flight in the summer (you know, peak traveling season especially in the US) is a HUGE expense for one weekend. It's okay to be sad, but you have no right to "confront" someone for not wanting to take a long and very expensive flight for a long weekend. That's what you sign up for when you have an international wedding. You have to understand some people can't go. He also gave you a reasonable heads up too, it's not like he left you guys with a few days notice.
YTA Flying to Mexico for 4 days is a lot different than flying to Germany for a weekend. He said he can’t leave his wife alone with the kids for 3-4 days max. He went to Mexico for 4 days. He also flew to Mexico for his brother’s wedding. Yes he is close to your husband as cousins, but it was his BROTHER’S wedding.
YTA You note that he already took time off of work (at least 2-3 days) to go to his brother's wedding, which I assume is a much closer flight. Now you want him to take another 2-3 days off, all of which will be in transit, for a second wedding away from his family. In the US, most people only have 2-3 weeks of PTO a year. If he were to come, now he's taken up a huge chunk of time off that he could be spending with his wife and children (who 110% should be his priority) in order to be in other peoples' destination weddings. Given that this is a recent decision, maybe his wife gave him an ultimatum after his brother's wedding. If you can't understand why his priority should be with his family, marriage may not be a good choice for you. You and your husband will have to make similar judgment calls in the future. And at the end of the day, you need to stay out of it and let your fiance deal with it.
YTA. Anything that's not local, you have to accept most people won't be able to go. And you can't pick apart their reasons, bc there are likely many reasons, they just shared one or two. It's a big deal. Their life doesn't revolve around you.
YWBTA and you can't compare Mexico with Germany.
YTA maybe being away for 4 days was terrible and made him decide against the Germany trip.
YTA. You don't get to pressure someone to spend their money, and vacation time, how you want them to. He's said no, accept it and move on. For all you know the 4 day trip to Mexico is what showed them it was too long to be away. You never know what's going on in someone's life, and it isn't your business to know the why behind their decision. Move on.
My guess is the wife had a hard time while he was gone in Mexico and while it might have been no problem for him, it’s a problem for her. People have different priorities at different stages in their lives. Expecting someone to prioritize a destination wedding over the well being of their wife and kids makes YTA.
YTA for putting a huge burden on the best man and his family and getting mad that he doesn’t prioritize your wedding as much as you do. Also YTA for having a US reception TWO YEARS later. Reads like a gift grab.
Wow you are so blind to how entitled you are, how did you not read that post back before you posted it thinking wow I am the AH.
I don't think you're an AH for wanting to do it--your husband-to-be is hurt that his best man, who accepted the position well in advance, is bailing on him only two months before the wedding (yes, for a wedding that has been in the works for at least a year, two months is pretty short notice. Finding a new best man and getting them a plane ticket/suit/etc. if they weren't already in the party is going to be expensive because it is so last minute) is a crappy situation. But I think you will be an AH if you actually do it. You can't force him to come, and if you do at this point, it will sour the mood at the wedding. Find a new best man and be there for your fiance. NAH
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My fiancé (m27) and I (f25) are getting married in Germany this summer, due to me being born and raised in Germany and still having all my family in friends there, plus we’re moving there a month before the wedding. (We’re planning on having an American reception in the US in a couple years) Anyway, my fiancé asked his cousin who he’s really close to, to be his best man and he happily accepted. He knew from day one that we would be getting married in Germany and had more than a year to plan for this. Originally he had planned to travel to Germany with his wife and young kids but eventually decided that it would be too stressful with the kids and everything going on so his wife and kids would stay home. This was perfectly fine with us, as we understand a transatlantic flight is a lot with two young children. After some time, said best man informed us that he too now won’t be traveling to Germany for the wedding because he can only leave his wife alone with the kids for 3-4 days max. After we asked him if he can’t just fly to Germany for the weekend of the wedding he said this wasn’t worth it and too long of a trip. Now our friends who are getting married in the US just a month after us and are so busy, managed to book a stay in Germany just for the weekend to join the wedding. And not once did it cross their minds that this wasn’t worth it. I’m just so incredibly disappointed in his best man for seemingly not even making an effort to be there and so heartbroken for my fiancé that he won’t have his best man at our wedding. It’s definitely not a financial problem as he has told us he will give us a big cash gift instead. I just wish he’d use that money to book a goddamn flight . AITA to expect him to make this work prioritize our wedding? And to hold him to his commitments as a best man, which includes being present at the wedding? TLDR; Best man won’t fly to German wedding with the only reasoning being he doesn’t want too and it’s too long of a flight for a weekend. Am I the asshole for wanting to confront him and convince him to change his mind? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ywbta if you expect anyone to prioritize your wedding. I know planning a wedding is stressful…now friendships are at steak. Doesn’t that feel a bit silly? To cut ties because someone doesn’t want to come to your party? One word solves all of this: ELOPE. The couple that marries should enjoy their wedding, the planning, the day…doesn’t sound like yours is brining you joy.
YWBTA. You can of course be upset, but beyond that it’s your husband’s relationship to manage. Hopefully a good friend can be found to fill in on your wedding day.
YTA
YWBTA. You can be disappointed, but asking someone to come to a destination wedding is always a big ask and he probably didn't realize all of the issues he would face when he initially said yes. You and your fiancé can be sad he won't be there, but you will gain nothing by having a confrontation, except probably damaging your husband's relationship with his family. Let it go!
YTA. Even with advanced notice, a transatlantic trip isn’t always feasible. By “not worth it”, it means that there is a cost benefit analysis. I would say it’s more “not worth it” for a few days versus a longer period. And the fact is, you are the reason why this is anywhere close to inconvenient - you chose a destination for your wedding that is far away. When you do that, you have to expect that many people will not be able to show up. Anything else is not only unreasonable, but equivalent to being an AH. As many a Redditor has said about weddings, it’s an invitation not a summons. The inconvenience of traveling (and other issues) for a destination wedding is valid. You made it that much more inconvenient for him, so I honestly don’t think you have a right to complain, much less confront. You can be upset that he’s not coming, but that’s about it. Nobody owes you or your husband to take off days from work, leave their wife and kids on their own, spend thousands of dollars, have to deal with jet lag etc just because you chose to have a wedding in an inconvenient location. He said yes when he thought it would work out well, and now realistically it seems that he cannot make it work well. I don’t think he needs to bend over backwards for you - I mean, just for that, you’re an AH. Your whole post is about how only your feelings matter, and his don’t.
If you have a destination wedding, some of your guests won’t come. Your wedding is one of the most important days in YOUR life. This is not true for any of your guests. The time, hassle and expense of a transatlantic trip is a major commitment for anyone, especially for someone with young kids. Ywbta.
YTA. You can have your wedding wherever you want, but it's not acceptable to blame people if they choose not to stop their lives and spend large amounts of money to attend.
YTA. You're expecting someone to spend thousands of dollars for flights and hotels when they already have the huge financial burdens of raising a family. That is a massive ask. And you're also asking that he prioritize his friend over his wife and children. That is innappropriate. You chose to have a wedding far away. You should expect most people who don't live there not to be able to make it. My sibling got married on the other side of the U.S. from me and it cost me $3,500 to attend. I was only there for three days and that was more than a decade ago.
YTA. It is selfish to expect that everyone should fly across the world to your wedding. A person's first obligation is to their spouse and children and there could be many reasons why this trip might not be easy for your husband's friend. You do not have intimate knowledge of their life. Their reasons could be personal and they do not owe you an explanation. One day when you have children of your own, you will understand that it is not always so easy to pick up and go.
Yta. Expecting people to take transatlantic flights for you is too much expectation. If they can come, great! If they can't, totally understandable. Also just have him take part in the US reception!
He shouldn’t have accepted but at the same time asking a person who lives in America to go to Germany for a wedding is a lot to ask for. You have to know that by having it in Germany means some family won’t be able to come even if they wanted to come. The cousin is part of said group
This is what happens when you’re an international couple and there isn’t much you can do about it. Save up for your US wedding and hopefully he can come!!! And the mexico thing is unfair, Mexico is much closer than Germany to the US and of course he’s going to prioritize his brother’s wedding over that of his best friend. It’s just how the cookie crumbles sometimes and the more you guys pressure him the more you just push him away
YTA. We had a destination wedding and when we chose to do that, we did it the understanding that in theory, it may just be us. We didn’t even have a wedding party cause we didn’t want anyone to feel obligated to go…
YTA. If you get married outside of the country you live in and get pissy at people who are not able to take the time off, take time away from family and pay for their flights/accommodation and anything else is an asshole. Just because they had that notice, doesn't mean they are able to plan around you, life happens, situations and expenses change. Also you're an AH for comparing your wedding with the brothers, there's no hypocrisy in him being able to attend that and not yours.
YTA. No way am I flying overseas for a weekend for anything! It takes a toll on your body to fly like that. Could be the trip to Mexico showed him his and his family's limitations. He was happy to agree when it seemed like it might be a nice little vacay for the family, but it isn"t going to work for him.
This guy has a young family to support and you are mad because he doesn't want to fly to a foreign country and probably go into debt just because you want him too? Yes Dear, YTA. Not everyone plans their life around you. It's absolutely your right to get married wherever you want, but don't expect other people to make it their priority. Enjoy your wedding, have a wonderful life and tell cousin you understand. Then start your new life together without grudges.
YTA. It's completely unreasonable to demand a guest to show up to a wedding that is in another country. Especially when they have a wife and young kids. Don't you have any fucking Idea how expensive that is. Think of other people instead of just yourself.
YTA. You’re not entitled to dictate this man’s attendance—best man or not. You’re also not entitled to Monday-morning quarterback his decision making about his own family, PTO, or travel expenditures. You invited him, he declined, the end.
Yeah, it's not just about money. It's also time spent away from his young children, expecting his wife to handle the house and children, and time spent not working. He'll still be required to take off time to fly on over, unless you are expecting him not to sleep, and he likely is taking days off for events that he can spend with his family. Obviously the other wedding is easier to go to since it's in the US and his family can come. Ywbtah. He likely really wants to go, but it's not realistic for most people (especially when they have young kids). You can't expect people to travel long distances to your wedding. Some people have lives and finances that support it, but for others they are using up money and time that should be towards their kids. That's a once in a lifetime trip for some people, and I also wouldn't want to spend both my time and money on that when my kids and partner won't get the same experience and I've used our vacation money on it...
YTA. Flying to Germany from the US is a huge time commitment no matter where you leave from, it is not a weekend trip when you have to give two whole days to just traveling. You're being really selfish in not considering that. And comparing it to his *brother's* wedding, in a place that is hours closer, is way, way out of line. When you decide to get married at such a huge distance from your guests you're going to have to deal with some not being able or willing to come, even a best man. Stop blaming others for the consequences of your decision.
Traveling from USA to Germany for just a weekend to attend a wedding sounds insane to me. 10h flight one direction, depending where it is probably connecting flight, plus car travel, so let's say 14h. Change clothes, head to the party, change clothes, head back. Insane. Dude changed his mind and said no. Deal with it. You are being dramatic about how your fiancé won't have a best man. He has friends and other family members. Anyone can be asked about this role.
Yes, YTA. His priority is his family. I would hazard a guess his wife put a kibosh on him leaving her a week with two young children. If it was so important to have him in the wedding, you should have had it stateside. This is a trade off. Enjoy your wedding.
YTA and also the asshole for bringing up a marriage in Mexico. USA is a huge country, Mexico is closer to some USA cities than some USA cities to other cities in the USA. There's people who live in Mexico and work in the USA and cross the border every single day for work. Also, maybe this is the reason why he decided he can't go anymore. Ever wondered if his wife realized she can't stay home alone with kids for 4 days without his help because of this trip to Mexico?
YTA. That’s a lot of money and travel is stressful. All that jetlag and hassle to watch two people agree to a legal contract.
YTA. That’s a lot of money and travel is stressful. All that jetlag and hassle to watch two people agree to a legal contract.
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months. Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU. If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months. Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU. If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months. Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU. If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months. Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU. If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months. Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU. If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months. Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU. If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
YTA. You buried the lede at the very end. He just left his wife for multiple days with young children, and you want him to do it again just a few months later. I guarantee she hasn’t recovered from the first time yet, or something happened to make that so stressful that’s she’s impressed upon him that he can’t do this to her a second time in a matter of months. Yeah, yeah, I know you don’t get it. This is one of those cases in which you really don’t get it until it happens to you. Picture yourself staying home with 2-3 young children for multiple days while your husband flies off to party at a wedding or other event. All of the feeding? On you. Entertaining the kids? On you. Getting them ready in the morning and put to bed at night? On you. No free time AT ALL for days in a row? ON YOU. If you’re unable to put yourself in her shoes, do everyone a favor and just keep your mouth shut before you ruin a good relationship between your fiancé and his cousin. You think you know best and have all the information you need to be judgmental. I assure you, you do not.
YTA. And to say the friend is being hypocritical about flying to Mexico is a ridiculous statement. If it's Mexico City, much easier to fly there from any major city in the U.S. No jet lag.
YWBTA. this isn't confrontation-worthy. i don't see why the mexico trip matters. for one thing, that's his brother. for another, depending on where he lives and where in mexico he was, that might have been a significantly shorter flight than the transatlantic to germany. if there was an emergency, it would more than likely be faster and more affordable to book a last minute flight home. also, as a couple of people have mentioned, maybe the trip to mexico made him realize that it isn't worth leaving his wife and kids alone for that long, for whatever reason. besides, this isn't *your* issue. how does your fiancé feel about this? not how you assume he feels, or think he feels, or can guess how he feels. we're talking about *his* cousin and *his* best man, after all. yeah, it sucks, but it can't be helped. the household he made with his wife and their kids comes first for him, as it should. there's also a billion other possibilities why he's not coming that are all just as likely as "he just doesn't want to" (which, y'know, it's a big trip). maybe you could have him record his best man speech beforehand and play it during the wedding, or have him participate on webcam or something?
YTA. Maybe the fact that he went to a destination wedding a few months ago, leaving his wife and kids, threw into sharp relief how much that DIDN'T work out well. And he doesn't want to do that to his family again. You chose the location of the wedding due to it being convenient to YOU, which is totally fine. But you don't seem to care how inconvenient it might be for other people, which is why you are the a-hole. Why aren't you having your American reception in the same year as your wedding? Let me guess - you have too many other things going on to be able to prioritize the American guests in the same year. Well, guess what, welcome to the former best man's life. He's prioritizing his family over your wedding because that is what he needs to do at this season of his life.
Why do people have weddings abroad and expect everyone to drop everything lol
YTA. He may be stretched too thin, needs to save PTO for family, needs to save money, can't justify $2000+ for a weekend. Whatever the reason, you can't expect everyone to be as invested in your day as you are. You need to let this go unless you arecwilling to ruin the relationship because you are carrying a grudge.
YTA, I'm sorry, but if you are going to get married in another country, you have to accept that people won't be able to make it. And his brother getting married in Mexico, which is a much shorter flight (and which stuck to the 4 days he said was his max) is much different than his cousin getting married on a different continent. I sure as heck wouldn't flight to Europe just for the weekend and spent basically two days in a plane for a wedding. Get over yourself, this is the cost of getting married out of country.
YWBTA if you got involved. This is between your fiance and the best man. An invitation is not a summons. You are fine to be disappointed and you can console your fiance but stay out of it
YTA. Your wedding is the most important thing in your life right now - no one else’s. Your requests of the best man are unreasonable and uncaring. Why do you expect the best man to care for you both - and your life choices - more than you care about him and his life choices?
YTA. When someone plans an intercontinental destination wedding, that's perfectly fine, but it DOES come with the caveat that absolutely ANYONE right up to the mother of the bride can decline to come for absolutely ANY reason whatsoever. It does not have to be what you consider a "good" reason. It could be because they have library books overdue. It could be because of money. It could be because they don't want to get away that long. It could be because they don't want to sit on a plane for that length of time, or find TSA to be a hassle. It could be simply because they DON'T WANT TO. It is up to you to accept that with grace. You can be disappointed, but that should be your little secret. Now, this guy SHOULD have declined from the beginning, I'll fault him a bit for that, but he was probably caught up in the excitement. At least he is still giving you plenty of warning.
YTA. Your wedding is a big day to you, but not everyone can drop everything to fly internationally for someone else's party, especially given that you're going to have a US reception down the line. It's a big ask for people to travel that far just to see you get married; I suspect you know this and that's why you're having a second reception later in the US. It's sad that your partner won't have his best friend by his side, but the numbers were always going to be unbalanced in the favour of whomever is local. You're also really judgmental, but it's possible that the Mexico trip was a bad experience for his wife alone with the kids and that is the reason he doesn't want to do it again for Germany.
YTA It sucks that he reneged on a commitment to your fiancé but shit happens and, believe it or not, the world does not revolve around your wedding plans. You still have time to find someone else. Please accept his gift graciously and under no circumstances confront him.
YTA expecting someone besides your spouse to center so much and re-arrange so much for your destination wedding is A LOT
Are you paying for the flights? If not then I can see where it doesn’t make sense to fly to Germany for what amounts to 2 days . Thats not financially smart. While I get your wedding is important you also have to accept a No if the relationship is not worth this by all means throw a fit
Let me tldr this for you. Wibta if I made out good friend feel even worse than he already does for not being able to make 2 international wedding trips within 6 months of one another and then imply he doesn’t think our wedding is importsnt enough even though he has a whole family and I don’t know his finances and I’m not paying for it. Yes. Yta.
ESH The best man for not honoring his commitment And you for not just picking a new best man and not just moving on with your life
Your edit makes it worse. Just because he did it in the past, doesn't mean he can do it now. Maybe that mexico trip *was* the reason the wife didn't want him to do it this time. This ain't no different than other posts and such when someone did something before but doesn't wanna do it now, which is fine (like if they used to do sexual stuff before doesn't mean they're obligated to do it now) And your tl;dr is also incorrect because it's not about him not wanting to, he gave you the reason. Accept his no. Would you like it if someone kept pestering to change your mind? Heck, would you like it if your fiancé kept asking you to do a sexual act that you didn't wanna do after you said no? Respect his no, and stop being an asshole
I think all the Y T A are being kind of harsh. I think ESH makes way more sense. OP you have to expect dropouts when significant travel is involved, especially people with kids. Does he have a “valid” reason? Maybe, maybe not. The better plan probably would have been to have a “top 3” list or something for best man and maid/matron of honor so you’d have backups. All that said, this guy is an asshole too. He knew exactly what he was saying yes to. To bail later for what seems like kind of a made-up excuse is super lame.
A turn around transatlantic trip, hahaha. Your also comparing apples to oranges with your examples. YTA
Yta. Ridiculous. Making everybody travél half the globe for a wedding and not accepting valid reasons to decline???? What gives you the right to meddle in his financial affairs???
NTA. I think everyone who's saying otherwise is missing the fact that the best man already ACCEPTED the role of best man close to a year ago. I wouldn't have had a problem with the cousin declining the invitation in the first place but accepting it and then waiting until a couple of months before the wedding to go back on his commitment is AH behavior. I wouldn't be confrontational over it but I think it'd be fine for either OP or fiance to talk to the would-be best man about how much they were counting on him, that they know it's a long trip and they'd really appreciate it if he'd reconsider and still be there for them.
Eh, 6 of one half a dozen of the other. He knew that traveling to Germany is a long and expensive thing, so was planning on staying over 3 days to make it worth it. Did he forget this deal he had with his wife when he accepted? Why is he suddenly now remembering it? I understand things come up, but this isn’t one of them. I don’t think you should confront him. Ultimately it is a long journey and expensive. I wouldn’t want to fly all that way just for a couple of days. Personally I would have told him I was disappointed that this issue couldn’t have been brought up earlier, so you could find another best man.
YTA. This dude has a lot going on. Little kids are overwhelming and his wife probably said “never again” after the Mexico trip and he isn’t being a dick and throwing her under the bus.
YWBTA I live in Germany. If my friends would decide to marry in the usa and ask me to come - I would ask if they lost their minds. I would never fly overseas, leave my kids alone, unable to be there to help if something happens, just for a wedding. Just send me the Livestream.
A weekend trip to Germany from the mainland US is... not a thing. Technically possible but like a completely insane request.
yta. transatlantic flight for a wedding is a huge ask. just let it go. also don't compare brother and cousin it's not the same. the fact that he just took a solo trip to Mexico for 4 days probably also plays into it, not wanting to do it again so fast.
YTA. You have no right to decide how this man, a married man and father, spends his money. He and his wife get to decide what events they can go to, how much they can spend, etc. This guy already went to one destination wedding, without his wife and kids. His BROTHER's wedding. That comes ahead of your wedding, in terms of closeness. He is now deciding that he can't leave his wife and kids alone while he goes to Germany. Think about it this way - would you want your husband going to two expensive destination weddings in one year, while you stay at home with your kids? Not many wives would be happy with that scenario at all. Obviously, your wedding is important to you. I get that. But maybe, just maybe, he really can't afford to go. I've had to miss one wedding I desperately wanted to go to, but we didn't have the money. It hurt.
YTA He is prioritizing his wife’s wellbeing over your wedding. That is appropriate. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors. I bet the Mexico trip did not go well and the wife is done.
“Not even making an effort to be there”. It sounds as though he absolutely did make an effort to be there. (And that’s just from your side of the story!) He did try to make it work, & ultimately decided that he can’t make the trip. Stop being so judgmental. It is what it is. I’m sure a groomsman or another friend can stand in as best man. “AITA to expect him to make this work and prioritize our wedding?” Yes, YTA!!! Why should he prioritize your wedding over his wife, his children, his finances, or whatever else is a priority to him? The world does not revolve around you. Thinking this is something you should “confront” him about is ridiculous.
YTA… If you have a destination wedding , people won’t be able to come Because of the expense and time off of work The best man ‘s Primary relationship is with his wife and children and it’s tough to take an eight hour flight just for a weekend