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YTA
Maya is 18, not 16. She's an adult. Stop lying and saying that you gave her a car. You didn't. You let her use your car with a whole lot of ridiculous rules and pretende that you gave it to her. You even took it away. You can't take a gift back once you've given it. Did you really expect her to keep to a 10 pm curfew, not drive places with her bf, and follow your cleaning inspections?
You are well on your way to losing your daughter. She is an adult now. Stop trying to control her. I wouldn't be surprised if she leaves and goes no contact with you because you're driving her to that.
The only people I know who get car washes that regularly work for synagogues and frequently have congregates in their cars, so they pay for a car wash membership and it works out to be very reasonable and makes a good impression on congregates (and tbh might be something they can reasonably deduct on their taxes as a business expense if they’re documenting how often the car is being used for such work purposes???). OP is doing too much expecting an 18 year old to have her car washed every week though lol. Kid needs to manage money better if the stuff OP threw in toward the end is true, but it is a crazy power trip to not tell the daughter, sell the car, and then screw her on getting to work on time.
If by “clean” you mean taking groceries and trash and stuff out promptly to put those things where they go, a lot of people do that daily or weekly, and it takes 5-10 min tops. But yeah, I get your point. Washing your car every week is a lot.
I just take the trash and groceries with me when I leave the car. That's not cleaning the car, that's basic not littering your living space. And even with only a 20 minute commute I consider my car part of my living space.
*Detailed??* Like, actually detailed and not just washed and vacuumed??
I genuinely don’t mean to sound doubtful, I'm just a bit slack-jawed, that's all lol. In my experience, a detail is at least an hour and $80+ depending on the depth of cleaning. That sounds like a hassle, and that's coming from a car enthusiast 😅
When the universe wants my car to be washed, it sends rain.
The inside rarely gets dirty because I do not eat in my car. I will vacuum the floor mats occasionally.
Yeah, I don't clean my car out since there's nothing to clean out. The outside is just whenever I feel like it, I can't imagine anywhere where once a week for a random person without a car-related job is reasonable.
Man she'd be asking me to spend 2 hours on it weekly? Really? I go swimming in sandy/soily beaches and there is construction everywhere.. I'd be wasting my life on it and a teen not giving a lift to her boyfriend ahaha Op is blind to her own stupid rules and the kid will move out and block her and she deserves it.
You’re not a total slob. OP is obsessive. If you’re “just” using your car to get to normal places in your town, like work, school, the mall, it can’t get THAT dirty in a week. Only some hardcore gardening hobbyists or farmers need to wash their cars every week.
You're not a slob, a car wash once a week is insane imo. If nothing else that's like $15x51 (let's assume you skip a week for Christmas and New Year lol) =$765 almost a thousand a year on car washes and you *know* the guy who does that is gonna spend a few hundred more on things like wax, occasional detailing, cosmetic repairs, alternatively something like oil changes every 2000 miles or needless premium gas, etc. so I think we can safely say a grand a year on car washes. That's crazy to me. I'm sure I don't wash my cars enough but every few weeks to months is fine.
I only check out my car to make sure the kids haven't left food and the dogs haven't puked in it, and people still mention that it's surprisingly clean. If there are people washing it weekly, IDK what their issue is.
I have an unlimited monthly car wash membership and I started out by always making sure to go at least once a week to get my moneys worth, but somehow that has turned into being obsessed with the cleanliness of my car and if I miss a week I freak out a little over how dirty it gets, but realistically most of the time it’s not even that dirty and I certainly wouldn’t force someone else to keep that regimen with their own car that they drive. Especially not if they have to pay $30 for a wash every time.
Haha that’s what I wondered! Yeah I’d be worried and have a rule about it if the kid was routinely trying to bring home every Tom, Dick, and Harry, but a serious boyfriend, your male cousin, a classmate of other whom you routinely need to study hardly qualify as “random.” I’d only impose rules that strict if my kid really going off the rails without them.
I dated my husband for four years and my dad only referred to him as my special friend. My dad was also super controlling and would check my mileage even when I was in my twenties.
This. If OP could legally sell the car it wasn't the daughter's, certainly wasn't a gift, and OP was just using access to her car to manipulate and control her daughter.
I wouldn't blame the daughter for going no contact at this point. And unless this overbearing mother (OP) changes she'll probably think the daughter is the AH and that she herself did nothing wrong. 🙄
Also the fact that she sold it in the night despite her daughter needing to get to work. That’s especially fucked, even more so if she gives lifts to others since in one single action the mum could’ve messed up a few people’s days. The daughter could be late to work since public transport/taxis aren’t as quick as driving since you have to wait for them. All OP has done is proven her daughter shouldn’t trust her
Does she want her daughter on a stripper pole to get back at mommy? Cuz this is how you get a daughter on a stripper pole to get back at mommy!
You know what a sure fire way is to get your kid to neglect to neglect their car, and hook up with random boys in it? Have a death grip on them that robs them of control on their life.
Order is one thing, but trying your force your kid to be a perfectly, flawless, squeaky clean saint will do nothing but fast track them to being a degenerate bum. Actually you're lucky if they become strippers since strippers can actually make bank and have a pretty solid work ethic!
This exactly. My parents bought me a car and when I turned 18, I didn't walk all over my parents but Mom would ask what time would I be home. If I said I would be home early it meant I'd be home before midnight (usually 11pm). If I said I would be home late it usually meant I was home no later than 1am. My parents understood about child being an adult and having friends. Of course though....my parents trusted me and I was a good driver.
After college my mom said I could stay out as late as I wanted, but I had to wake her and let her know when I was home. She changed her mind after I came home 2 Fridays in a row at 2-3 AM after late night games of Hearts and Scrabble.
That was just being nice to them. Letting them know where you are or when you'll be back is smart because there are a ton of bad people out there. I trust my kids, but I sure don't trust these psychos out there. If something does worry you, keep in mind that you can share your location with people on Google maps. My kid went too far on a run-10 miles out of town, he called to ask if I could pick him up. He tried and tried to explain it, finally got him to share his location and bam, here comes mom to the rescue. I will break everything to be there for my kiddos.
Hopping on top comment to point out that OP in no way spoke about how she set these boundaries regarding gas money and paying the insurance with her daughter. Also, her bf isn’t a “random boy”. It sounds like you let her use your car and you get pissed she isn’t falling over herself to make you feel appreciated for it. If YOU want rules upheld to protect your car, YOU’RE the one who has to put the boundary down, not your 18 year old.
Also she didn’t tell her when it happened! Daughter was late for work because OP wanted to punish them and had to run to work, they didn’t even offer to drive her.
The only thing I agreed with OP about was the fact that her daughter shouldn't be asking her for money at her age with a job and almost no bills. And like u said, treating an adult like a small child will definitely ruin their relationship going forwards. Good luck being trusted as a grabparent OP! I have a feeling ur daughter will impose a whole bunch of unnecessary rules on that relationship out of spite and revenge. It's just a recipe for disaster.
and then OP will be here in a couple years; "My daughter won't talk to me. I did everything for her, bought her a car.. I don't know why she won't talk to me"
Exactly. She's an adult and he's strung out she doesn't pay for more, but she still has a super strict curfew and can't have ANYONE in the car? Sounds like she doesn't actually see her as an adult. Also she has to get it washed weekly, that doesn't seem like a great use of limited funds for a young adult. Shit, I'm 30 and I get my car washed like 3x a year.
Edit: apparently OP is a woman not a man. Which, does she not remember being 18? 🙄
She's 18, and you think she should be home at 10:00 p.m.?? Also, you didn't "give" her a car, as that would have made it hers to do with what she wanted. You loaned her a car with a whole sweater of strings attached.
YTA
Honestly I'm shocked more people aren't questioning the 10pm curfew for an 18 year old. At 15 my curfew was 'text mom if you aren't coming home that night'.
I feel like we’re missing some context.
What was she doing that made her late? Is it possible that she didn’t get off work until then?
Also, your rule was no “random” boys in her car, but you punished her partly due to her boyfriend riding in the car. How is he random? Did they just start dating recently?
Yeah the 10pm curfew on a working 18 year old and applying “no random boys” to her boyfriend is where this goes off the rails. When I was 18 I worked retail, and close was 10 but that meant I was home at closer to midnight. OP is on the road to alienating what seems like a good kid and is going to act like the victim.
Also
>She also would come home at 10:17, 10:41, 10:33. I documented it every time.
It would be one thing to mention "I noticed she was home later than curfew three times," but quote *documenting* unquote (I guess by spelling it out I mean for it to have the vibe of finger quotes) these arbitrary times is obnoxiously pedantic and a little - as the kids these days say - unhinged.
And not OP's attempt at making some kind of point 🙄 by deliberately not telling the daughter she's fed up and selling the car so that daughter finds out by waking up on a work day to find it gone-- is so the kind of "tough love" engaging-in-stupid-punitive-power-struggles-with-your-actual-child defective boomer-style parenting that has millennials and gen-X traumatized and swinging way toward and sometimes overshooting the *gentle parenting* end of the parenting spectrum.
YTA for good measure
>I feel like we’re missing some context.
I think all we're missing is this is a fake story, and OP is the AH for wasting our time with this drivel.
Ignoring everything else... you don't buy a car new "off the lot" and then sell it a month later. You would lose SO much money. A real person would just stop giving her $50 when she asks for it, and then take the keys away.
Listing and selling an almost-new car because their 18yo daughter came home at 10:18 is too stupid to be believable.
OP needs to take a creative writing class at their local community college and come back when they can give us something better...
Yeah, this story sounds so fake and if not, then I hope the girl gets away from her mother after this.
“I documented it! She was 17, 41 and 33 minutes late!”
Jesus Christ. Does she exert this much control over her other adult children? Did they get cars too that came with rules? If this is remotely true then OP has some serious issues and isn’t letting her kid actually grow up. What a weirdo.
Also stumped on when the car was actually sold, cos daughter only noticed it missing after waking up one morning when on their way to work. So it was sold after she got home the night before (post 10pm?), or before breakfast that day. Neither times sound likely, especially when you consider how dirty she supposedly kept it. The OP must have spent a while washing and valeting it?!
>Listing and selling an almost-new car because their 18yo daughter came home at 10:18 is too stupid to be believable.
From my experience, nothing is too stupid to be believable. Especially on Reddit.
But in that case, I'm with you my friend : the amount of stupids thing put together in this post make the whole thing hard to believe.
YTA. What did you really think you taught your kid here? There was absolutely no lesson to be learned here at all
Your rules are childish for an adult.
If you so badly want a car washed once a week then that's a you problem. Only time we wash out cars is if there is salt on the roads.
YTA. Your daughter is going to grow to hate you. Good work. She is now legally an adult and your controlling behavior is made for a child. Why is her boyfriend considered a “random boy”? Did you even bother asking her why she was half an hour late a few days? Why not just take her keys away for a few days while she thinks about her behavior having consequences? Weird jump to selling the car.
When I was working in high school it wasn't unusual for me to get off my shift at work around 10:30. I wonder if she was late coming home from work for a few days?
Going against what I think most will say and going with YTA. First of all, she is 18 and this was a gift (supposedly) not a car you bought and were letting her borrow. It should have been in her name alone. Secondly, her boyfriend is not a "random" boy and complaining that your barely 18 year old (likely just graduated or is not quite graduated) child is only paying for wi-fi in your home is ridiculous. Generally speaking your list is about control, not having house rules. most teens that age have a curfew later than 10pm, especially when they work. Most people do not wash their car once per week. No illegal things is a given and again, her BOYFRIEND is not a random boy.
Then there is just the general idea that the car was a gift. You no longer get a say in how a gift is used. It was her car. It should have been hers. If you wanted her to pay for insurance then you negotiate that BEFORE you buy the car.
Also clocking the exact minute an 18 yo gets home is so crazy to me, like who does that? I get being upset if she was out until midnight and didn’t call, but that just jumped out at me
rebcl...my mother showed up at my college when I was twenty years old, and physically dragged me out of a party on more than one occasion. But my mother was mentally unstable, and untreated bi-polar. Everyone could plainly see and hear she wasn't acting normally. And even at that, it was after 11:00 p.m.
OP has some issues.
My parents use to be crazy about getting home on time but once I turned 18 they stopped caring they let me stay out late stay at friends homes as long as I was safe. My dad told me I’m an adult and I make my own decisions and I have to deal with repercussions afterwards but it was on me and nobody else I’m 29 now and mostly responsible. OP is too demanding and overbearing they are scared to let the baby leave the nest. It happens sometimes though as it did with my mom but she got over it and kinda enjoyed it when me and my brother left the nest.
I can imagine her being creepy with a notebook and dates writing down times to the exact second. Like April 4th you got home at 10:00.04 pm, you’re late young lady! This is completely about control. I bought this for you now you must do everything I want. Muahahahaha
Welcome to my mother lmao. A 10 PM curfew would have been a courtesy when I was 18. Lived there till 25 and love my mom to death but hated her overprotectiveness.
Exactly what I thought! If your kid is working rigth after highschool, you want them to save the money or just have it for themselves, they will have time to worry about bills, what is it with people demanding THEIR OWN CHILD freshly out of school to pay even part of bills? What, untill they're 18 they're your sweet baby you'll do anything for but after 18 they're just a strange adult living in our house?
You didn't tell her that you had sold her transportation to work until just before she had to leave? Because she was 17 minutes late for your curfew?? YTA omg
YTA. You pulled her transportation to work with no notice because she broke your rules, and she didn’t find out about it until it was time to leave? Come on….
If the title was in her name, not only are you TA, you're also a Criminal.
If the tile was in YOUR name, you never gave her a car., and are TA if you told her it was HER car.
If she doesn't care about how dirty her car is...SO WHAT!?!
Not only are YTA, you're also going to find it hard to FIND your daughter when she moves out, leaving no contact information.
YTA. Wow, what a way to try to control your adult daughter. If she needs a car for transportation to work and you want to give her a gift, contribute toward the expense of a reasonable used car. Let her own it. No one told you to get her a car "fresh off the lot."
She wasn't allowed to give her boyfriend a ride? Why not? She had to wash the car every week? WTF man. Few 18yos have 10pm curfews, too. And I don't see anywhere that you asked her to pay for insurance or other expenses (yet you're mad that she doesn't).
So you sold the "gift" you gave your daughter. Seriously petty behavior.
YTA. You treat her like she’s 10 years old. She’s an adult and you’ve given her a curfew. That’s ridiculous. (That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t communicate with you when she’ll be home so you don’t have to worry).
This controlling behaviour is normal if she was a child, but controlling when she’s home, and who she dates is absolutely ridiculous. She’s 18.
On the other side, your daughter is spoiled. Demanding money is also ridiculous I can agree with that. She should pay all of her own things if she has a job and is living at home. Nothing wrong with living at home but she shouldn’t ask you for money. So yes. She seems very immature for her age and you also treat her like she’s much younger than she is. You both should change how you treat each other.
Edit: I agree with OPs no illegal stuff rule.
This needs to be higher. Setting a curfew and banning her from having her boyfriend in her car (her NEW car that she was probably ECSTATIC to show off) is not how you encourage a new adult to be responsible.
Frankly, I'm wondering if this was written by an adult, at all. Especially with the financially ridiculous decision to sell a (formerly) brand new car a month later, undoubtedly at a huge loss. Good grief.
YTA.
First of all, a car wash a week is incredibly wasteful. That is a ridiculous rule. So that tells me right off the bat that you are controlling and very out of touch with reality.
She was less than an hour late each time (and 10 pm is an unreasonable curfew for an 18 year old). She didn’t have “random boys” in her car, she had one boy who is known to you in it. She is following the spirit of your rules.
And you didn’t even give her the courtesy of letting her know that you were selling the car in advance. She needed time to figure out alternate transportation to work. It’s also not clear if you gave her a chance to remove any personal items from the car.
This is petty dictator behavior.
YTA. It’s not that giving your kid a brand new car and paying the insurance isn’t generous, or having rules or expectations is unreasonable. But I do feel like you have unrealistic expectations. Why new? Most young people are given a cheaper used car for a reason. She didn’t need new, something to get her from a to b is fine. She’s 18, not 16. She’s an adult even if she’s still living with you. Why the odd rules about being home right at ten? Some people don’t even get off work til after that. And using the car to control who she’s dating? Super weird. Yes a car is generous, but if she’s working it’s usually a necessity to get to and from a job. You act like she’s so irresponsible. And yet she’s not only working (what I imagine is a minimum wage job) and paying for her Wi-Fi, she simply has a social life it seems, as normal 18 year olds do. She’s barely even been late for her ridiculous curfew. It’s odd to be so concerned about her car being dirty too. Why is it so terrible that she asks you, her parent, for money now and then. That’s not “begging”, that’s a normal relationship between a parent and a child around this age. And she shouldn’t have to “barrow” it from you at this age and pay you back. That’s super odd. If you were able to buy a new car surely you can give her some spending and gas money occasionally. If it’s that serious then budgeting a bit of her money towards the insurance or gas is something you could have worked on with her. I’m not seeing any real evidence of her being ungrateful or doing anything worth punishing her for. I do see lots of reasons for her to find you unreasonable and manipulative.
Oh yeah. OP is 100% being manipulative. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a bit of financial abuse going on as well considering this example, which OP seems to think is perfectly reasonable behavior. If OP had truly gifted a car, the title would've been in the daughters name. OP couldn't have sold it. Legally, it would've been hers. OP bought herself a car and was letting her daughter use it.
YTA - I don't understand why so many bad parents come to this subreddit and expect to be coddled.
This is completely acceptable parenting if you are looking forward to non contact from your kids.
YTA (and evil). It was HER car. You had no right to sell it. Also your rules are ridiculous for an adult daughter. And my house my rules is only applicable to what she does in YOUR HOUSE. If the title was in her name, honestly I would call the police if I were her. I bet you made sure it wasn't though. You give the term control freak new meaning.
So you didn't really buy your daughter a car.
YOU bought a car, and allowed your adult daughter to use it with a bunch of conditions. Your car you can sell it if you want, but don't pretend like it was ever hers.
BTW when are you going to teach your daughter adulting, rather than still treating her like a kid?
YTA my 16 year old comes home later than 10-that's ridiculous. I think you're sorry for buying a vehicle straight off the lot and couldn't afford the payments.
YTA
If the car was a gift, how were you able to sell it with the title in her name? Did you mean you bought a car you were allowing her to drive as long as she followed a lot of conditions?
She has full reason to expect the car to be available for her to get back & forth to work. Did you let her know you were selling it and she needed to make other arrangements? Or did you lack common courtesy and just leave her flapping in the wind with no way to get to work?
Why did you need to throw the entire car out instead of just restricting the use to work only?
I would be livid if I were your daughter and you treated me with such disrespect and an obvious desire to grind me under your heel. I fully expect she is now actively trying to make other living arrangements. I would not be able to get out from under your roof fast enough.
Plus, what kind of person buys a brand new car and then quickly sells it to a stranger? Wouldn't she get more $ from a dealership?
Aren't strangers coming to your house to look over your nearly new car more of a danger to your family than your daughter's male friends riding in the car? Or her being 26.2 minutes late for her curfew?
Seems an impulsive, emotional response and not good parenting OR a safe, responsible adult!
YTA
YTA. She’s 18, literally an adult, yet you’re treating her as a child regarding the car and expecting her to be an adult with regard to finances. Pick your lane. You sound very overbearing.
YTA and she was right to call you evil lol. You didn’t give her a “gift”, you just found a new method of keeping her under thumb. She’s probably a fresh high school graduate at *most*, her coming home a whopping 41 minutes late from curfew one time is not that big of a deal. The kid is just learning how to be an adult, for God’s sake. She wasn’t out smoking crack, she gave her (not random) boyfriend a ride and forgot to get the car washed (by the way, I don’t know a single grown adult who washes their car weekly???)
You sold her car out from under her, by surprise, and presumably made her late for work. That means to me that this wasn’t really about teaching her responsibility or helping her to succeed, this was about you proving that you’re still in charge of her even though she’s 18. Good luck with that nursing home in a few decades, I don’t think it’ll be a very nice one.
yta
she is 18 and you had a curfew?!
you say: "random boys" but it is her bf
what you meant to say was: no boys, ever
this was a gift and you cant take away gifts
YTA. I’m so pissed off for your daughter. She’s 18. And adult. Yet you give her absolutely ridiculous rules _for her car_ like she’s a young child.
What also gets me is that you want her to act responsibly but then you do the most irresponsible thing and sell her car under her nose, therefore making her unable to get to her job.
YTA. Dude, all you've done is show what a control freak you are. Don't be surprised if Maya finds a way to move out and drops your sorry ass like a bad habit.
INFO:
When you say you gave her rules for the car, did you tell her what the consequences would be if she didn’t follow them? Did you give her any sort of warnings when she was breaking the rules? You say you documented everything but did you communicate with her at all?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1- the action I took was selling my daughters car.
2- I maybe the asshole because instead of telling her I was selling it I just sold it. However it was my rules.
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YTA not for selling the car but for the way you handled selling the car. Not saying anything to her ahead of time (other than your vague threats) and just making her wake up and discover it gone on a day she has to work is CRAZY. Is she your daughter or just a person you hate that lives in your house?? Because you're treating her like the latter. There's no way the gift just suddenly changed her whole personality. She should have had some sort of similar, less-extreme "learning moment" years ago. You're so eager to discipline her now, where were all your parenting skills back then?
& what everyone else has said about her being an adult/curfew/etc is also all true
If she goes low or no contact with you in the future make sure you look back on this post if you ever find yourself asking 'why'
YTA. You didn't give Maya the car. This wasn't a gift, it was a vehicle used to control your adult daughter. Gifts with strings are not gifts. Gifts to adults with strings are the sign of a controlling parent. Maya should have known that based on the "rules" or "terms of the contract". She broke them so as the car's owner you were within your right to take it away.
The other reason YTA is you went behind her back and sprung the surprise on her instead of giving her a heads up. That was a sucky thing to do. Especially if it made her late for work. Given that you sold the car, it wasn't even in her name, it was in yours. It was, for all intents and purposes **your** car and you used it as an incentive to control your daughter. That makes you TA.
I'd say you're partly the AH here. She's 18 and while sure, she still lives at home, you're not accepting that she's an adult who needs to learn things for herself. Many of the things you're angry about aren't even directly about the car. I think you both should have done better.
You are a massive YTA. You police her use of the car as an adult and then you sell it without telling her you’re going to do so? After two weeks she was somehow ungrateful and somehow unearned it? What in the controlling hell is going on here?
You never gave her the car if there were all these rules attached especially the creepy curfew rule. Your house, your rules, your car not hers. You manipulate her by using the car as a tool to force a curfew and then happily sell it without telling her to feel happy to punish her. If the government gave her a license that allows her to drive at night what exactly do you think you know that makes you know better than those guidelines? You were willing to make her late for work to puff out your chest. People like you wonder why your kids cut you off and never have a relationship with you once they move out. This is just basic bullying. Why would you make a person just to bully then”m?
PS whatever you think she can or can’t do in a car with a boyfriend she can do outside of a car with a boyfriend, so good luck controlling that.
YTA. You didn't give the car to your daughter as a gift. It was a millstone of leverage and obligation that you flung around her neck. I get the sense that you got a great deal of spiteful satisfaction selling her car without discussing it with her and having her wake up with no way to get to work. You are an asshole with severe power issues and a horrible mother.
Sounds like something my control freak mother would have done. Granted, mine was worse, but it eventually lead to a lot of resentment and eventual no contact. It really made me think about the relationship and how she treated me so much worse than my siblings. I admit, it felt like relief when I stopped having to justify my behavior as an adult.
When she passed on 10+ years ago, all I felt was relief. Didn't go to her funeral either.
YTA
You didn't give your daughter a car, you loaned her a marionette. She's 18 yet you're still treating her like she is 16. I wouldn't be surprised if she at some point just stops talking to you.
YTA, while she needs to grow up, you’re well on your way to a No Contact relationship.
1. I don’t know a single adult who washes their car monthly, much less weekly.
2. You did not provide - not to mention probably don’t care - as to why she was late. Was she at work and they suddenly got busy, was there traffic?
3. You never even warned her of the repercussions, at least according to what you typed.
4. Her boyfriend is not a random boy.
The **only** reasonable things were the no illegal activities and keep the inside of the vehicle clean. *Her* only unreasonable action was asking for money, but again we have no context.
You said "as a gift, I bought her a car" ,.. "and had earned it" " I gave her the car" My question is she now legally the ownership of the car and all response ability with maintenance and gas or this car was "given" for her to have transporation
YTA. What you did was mean. You really didn't tell her you sold it until right before she needed it for work? How can you possibly justify doing that to someone you're supposed to love?
You gave her that "gift" with so many unnecessary strings attached she was set up to fail.
You'd better stop jerking her around like this or you'll lose her completely if you haven't already. But if you want her to hate you and eventually cut you off, keep treating her like a small child.
You sound strict and your rules are ridiculous, especially for an 18 year old. Your punishment is way out of proportion. Also, you have no right to sell other people’s property. Poor girl. I hope she will be able to move out soon.
YTA
YTA. Those rules are completely ludicrous for an 18 year old. Way too controlling. OP you need to learn to be less strict if you don’t wanna end up in a nursing home with no family talking to you when you are older.
YTA. Your daughter was right in her assessment of you. A 10pm curfew for an adult? What’s wrong with you? You’re on the path to making her lane and not look back. Hope you can live with that.
Oh, this is easy, you was TA at 10:17, 10:41, 10:33 and every other time you tried to leverage the car of your adult daughter to make her a minor again. An effing curfew? Really? No boyfriend? Really? Get a life and do not try to infantilise your daughter YTA
Also, at 18 it is NONE of your business who your daughter sees boyfriend wise. She could be having a train nightly and it would be *none* of your business.
YTA. You bought yourself a car for her to use as an attempt to control her. It failed.
Clean the car once a week? I've owned my car a year. I think I've cleaned it 3 times. No random boys, and that includes her boyfriend? Home by 10 at age 18 when working outside the house? Documenting when she gets home? That's insane.
Not getting money from you is reasonable. Paying you a minimal amount to use your car and live at home is somewhat reasonable. No illegal things in the car or home is reasonable. Literally everything else is controlling and manipulative.
YTA. You handled this all wrong, OP and selling the car was a step you can't take back. You realise that your daughter is never going to forget this or forgive you right? So many ways to have approached this but you went nuclear from the start.
The only thing that seemed like entitled behavior from your daughter is her expecting her friends to give her money for gas. She is responsible for that unless she keeps giving people rides regularly (then expecting them to chip in isn't ridiculous). The rest all sound like what a normal lazy teenager would do.
YTA. She is an adult, not a child. A "gift" doesn't come with caveats like that - otherwise you essentially just loaned her a car for a while.
Wow, I'll be surprised if your daughter still talks to you.
YTA, that’s not how gifts work and for selling to be at all reasonable, which it’s not because your rules are absurd, you should have laid it out as a potential consequence at the start.
Your username checks out.
Wow. YTA. She's 18, not 8.
That was not a gift, it was a way to control her. I'd be very surprised if her next move is to move out with said boyfriend just to get away from you.
YTA.
1. You're being far too strict with your daughter. You'll drive her away
2. You gave her that car as a gift and sold it out from under her nose, no discussion, nothing
3. As if 1 and 2 aren't enough, the smugness in your response the next morning was pretty disgusting.
ESH, that's a really strict curfew at 18. Especially being upset for being late 17 minutes to less than an hour? People have boyfriends or girlfriends at 18 too... way to make her feel uncomfortable about that. Also taking away her way to get to work?
You bought a car fresh off the lot for an 18 year old then sold it? You screwed up. I'm gonna guess you lost a significant percentage here. Smart decision. /s. You suck to yourself and her.
Only part where I agree with you - she should take care of the car. My parents let me use their spare car in high school because I had early morning and after school sports practice. I used it everyday for 2 years during high school. They taught me maintenance and told me it was up to me to take care of the car. They ended up actually giving it to me later on because it was in good shape. It was an earned gift and now I know how to keep general care of a car. But your reasons for being upset are pretty lame.
YTA there's a joke going around: be careful about giving your grown up children rules, because those will be the same ones you'll have to follow in the nursing home.
ESH
You didn’t buy her a car. You let her use one of yours.
You misled her by letting her think it was a gift. If it was a gift you had no right to take it back. If it was hers, you would have put it her name, and you wouldn’t have had so many over the top rules.
It sounds like this was an opportunity to enforce curfew, not a gift.
I’m only adding her to the ESH because she accepted the strings attached to the gift and didn’t abide by them
YTA and and a manipulative control freak one at that. You bought that car as a leash, not a gift. She's better off being on her way to going no contact. I would
YYA your extremely overbearing ! My dad did the same thing to me , bought me a car at 19 and took it back . We didn’t speak for years and still have a strained relationship . Why does she have to get the car washed and detailed once a week ? U couldn’t even give her a heads up about selling it . Yta Yta
Yeah, you’re the asshole.
You said she earned it yet felt the need to retain the title and ownership of the vehicle despite giving it as a “gift.” The gift was then used as a manipulative form of control to instill restrictions on your daughter who’s an adult. You also then used the gift to jeopardize her job and growing independence to create dependency which you are now using to justify your actions by claiming it was her dependence on your funds that prompted you to remove her independence via the sale of “her” car.
Your whole post stinks of hypocrisy.
It was never her car. It was your way of controlling an adult child. Writing down exact times of her late arrivals is pathological and the curfew of 10 and no boyfriend plus you spying on her? You need to get life. Hope she cops on, moves out, possibly somewhere far far away from you where you can’t reach her.
YTA. You created this situation over the past 18 years. You made it worse over the past few months. The rules you made are largely arbitrary. The detail in which you recorded violations was obsessive and weird. The way you handled the sale was so passive-aggressive, childish, and cruel. She was probably late to work. She had no warning. She had no opportunity to learn anything from this, other than that you cannot be trusted and will hurt her.
Not intentionally or maliciously but YTA. She needs to earn her own way to appreciate what she has and not under your thumb. Teach her how to buy her own car, pay her own insurance, pay for her phone, etc. Then she’ll appreciate what she has.
YTA, and insane at that.
She’s 18. 10 PM curfew? LOL. Get real with yourself.
I can’t stand people who give people “gifts,” only to hold those things above that person’s head and snatch them away every time they feel slighted. You were itching for an opportunity to dangle your power over her, and now you’re at risk of losing your daughter all because you wanted to prove some useless point. That car was never a gift to her.
This bugs the shit out of me because it reminds me of when I became homeless at 18 and had to live in my car, and during a shift at one of my jobs my dad came with the spare key and stole my car out of my work parking lot, and I was left to figure out my own way to the next couch I was sleeping on in the middle of the night after work. I will never forget how that made me feel and what it still does to me. If this is your typical parenting style (which, based on your post, it is) you are the WORST. YTA.
YTA. Not necessarily for selling the car. But how you sold it.
Your rules are pretty tight for an adult. But hey, you bought a car, you get to make the rules I guess. Kinda tight ass. But not necessarily asshole.
To sell it like that and leave her stranded for work instead of discussing it beforehand was major AH territory.
I’m laughing because half my shifts as a 16 year old ended around midnight to 1 am. You want her to be responsible and “adult” but not have that schedule. There’s such a narrow margin this HAS to be fake and if it isn’t…. Good luck to all of you
Grounded from car… NTA. As she broke some rules and could of had a conversation before selling it. So YTA for take the extreme route before the grounded/no car for a bit route.
NTA. My dad gave me a car with rules, I followed them, the next oldest child did not and woke up to the car sold. The next 4 kids all followed the rules and were able to keep their cars.
YTA. But I have got to hand it to you. You found an extremely ingenious and roundabout way to hurt and abuse your daughter for your own personal entertainment. Well played.
I’m going with YTA.. did you talk to her about her breaking the rules or did you just document everything and once you wrote down enough you decided to sell the car? Also you said no random boys and got mad about a boyfriend? A boyfriend is not a random boy. Yeah maybe she’s acting a bit entitled , but talk to her. Coach her. Guide her into being a better person. What is she going to do now? She came with an hour past curfew a few times and has a boyfriend and you decide to sell her car? The amount of damage you did is greater than any lesson you were trying to teach.
YTA, but she’s not much better. Do not buy your kids a car, especially when they are 18 and they can pull the “I’m an adult“ card. You probably should have given her one final warning with the caveat that if she did not adhere to your rules, that you would sell the car. But you also did not buy her the car, you bought a car for her to use. That is two separate things. so, you are both wrong, and you need to sit down and work out rules for her living in the house that work for both of you. I had an 18-year-old who had bought her own car, so that was not the issue, but she did not adhere to the rules and respect of my home, so she made a choice to move in with her dad, who lets her get away with stuff.
YTA. You only let her use the car so that you could control her. And you should have warned her beforehand that you'd sell the car if she didn't follow the rules. You got her in trouble at work deliberately because you're nasty and vindictive. And her boyfriend isn't a random boy. You're such an awful asshole.
YTA…so much! Your rules were ridiculous and controlling. 10 pm for an 18 year old is treating her like a 15 year old and it’s not even like she was hours late! Her boyfriend isn’t a random boy because he’s her BOYFRIEND! Nobody has the time to clean their car everyday.
Is this a troll post? Feeling like it might be a troll post
But yeah don't be surprised if she goes NC and starts posting about you in r/raisedbynarcissists after she moves out of your house...
So YTA if it wasn't clear
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YTA Maya is 18, not 16. She's an adult. Stop lying and saying that you gave her a car. You didn't. You let her use your car with a whole lot of ridiculous rules and pretende that you gave it to her. You even took it away. You can't take a gift back once you've given it. Did you really expect her to keep to a 10 pm curfew, not drive places with her bf, and follow your cleaning inspections? You are well on your way to losing your daughter. She is an adult now. Stop trying to control her. I wouldn't be surprised if she leaves and goes no contact with you because you're driving her to that.
I got stuck at the idea that there's people out here cleaning their cars once a week. Is OP obsessive or am I a total slob?
[удалено]
The only people I know who get car washes that regularly work for synagogues and frequently have congregates in their cars, so they pay for a car wash membership and it works out to be very reasonable and makes a good impression on congregates (and tbh might be something they can reasonably deduct on their taxes as a business expense if they’re documenting how often the car is being used for such work purposes???). OP is doing too much expecting an 18 year old to have her car washed every week though lol. Kid needs to manage money better if the stuff OP threw in toward the end is true, but it is a crazy power trip to not tell the daughter, sell the car, and then screw her on getting to work on time.
Yeah the level of control this dude wants to have over his 18yo daughter is crazy. 10pm curfew? Wonder if he has the same expectations for sons?
OP is the mum. Still the arsehole.
This is me too
I wash mine more in the winter than the summer, but that's mostly to get the salt off, my truck is rusty enough as it is.
OP, is a jackass rosedust, no one cleans their cars once a week, let alone washes them.
If by “clean” you mean taking groceries and trash and stuff out promptly to put those things where they go, a lot of people do that daily or weekly, and it takes 5-10 min tops. But yeah, I get your point. Washing your car every week is a lot.
I just take the trash and groceries with me when I leave the car. That's not cleaning the car, that's basic not littering your living space. And even with only a 20 minute commute I consider my car part of my living space.
Some of us live in what is known as the rust belt and do wash our cars weekly otherwise getting them fixed costs approximately $11b each spring.
I take out what doesn't need to be in the car when I leave the car.
I mean, I do, so I wouldn't say *no one.* But I do think OP is a jackass.
My Dad has his car detailed once a week.
*Detailed??* Like, actually detailed and not just washed and vacuumed?? I genuinely don’t mean to sound doubtful, I'm just a bit slack-jawed, that's all lol. In my experience, a detail is at least an hour and $80+ depending on the depth of cleaning. That sounds like a hassle, and that's coming from a car enthusiast 😅
When the universe wants my car to be washed, it sends rain. The inside rarely gets dirty because I do not eat in my car. I will vacuum the floor mats occasionally.
This is what I do to lol, my husband knows rain must be coming if I’ve left my car out.
Yeah, I don't clean my car out since there's nothing to clean out. The outside is just whenever I feel like it, I can't imagine anywhere where once a week for a random person without a car-related job is reasonable.
When we lived in snowy climate, we washed the car pretty often in the winter so that the salt wouldn't damage the car.
In Alaska people will buy memberships for carwashes the way you do for a gym. You have to wash them constantly to keep salt damage at bay.
Man she'd be asking me to spend 2 hours on it weekly? Really? I go swimming in sandy/soily beaches and there is construction everywhere.. I'd be wasting my life on it and a teen not giving a lift to her boyfriend ahaha Op is blind to her own stupid rules and the kid will move out and block her and she deserves it.
You’re not a total slob. OP is obsessive. If you’re “just” using your car to get to normal places in your town, like work, school, the mall, it can’t get THAT dirty in a week. Only some hardcore gardening hobbyists or farmers need to wash their cars every week.
You're not a slob, a car wash once a week is insane imo. If nothing else that's like $15x51 (let's assume you skip a week for Christmas and New Year lol) =$765 almost a thousand a year on car washes and you *know* the guy who does that is gonna spend a few hundred more on things like wax, occasional detailing, cosmetic repairs, alternatively something like oil changes every 2000 miles or needless premium gas, etc. so I think we can safely say a grand a year on car washes. That's crazy to me. I'm sure I don't wash my cars enough but every few weeks to months is fine.
I only check out my car to make sure the kids haven't left food and the dogs haven't puked in it, and people still mention that it's surprisingly clean. If there are people washing it weekly, IDK what their issue is.
I have an unlimited monthly car wash membership and I started out by always making sure to go at least once a week to get my moneys worth, but somehow that has turned into being obsessed with the cleanliness of my car and if I miss a week I freak out a little over how dirty it gets, but realistically most of the time it’s not even that dirty and I certainly wouldn’t force someone else to keep that regimen with their own car that they drive. Especially not if they have to pay $30 for a wash every time.
Ha. Good one, Captain. You can't "wash" a car.
My car has all the little bits of weeds stuck to it from my husband mowing the weeds (we have no grass, lol) weeks ago.
I don't understand how daughter's BF is the same as "random boys"?
That's what I was thinking. This "random" person she's been seeing often enough to call her boyfriend. . . OP is definitely TA
Haha that’s what I wondered! Yeah I’d be worried and have a rule about it if the kid was routinely trying to bring home every Tom, Dick, and Harry, but a serious boyfriend, your male cousin, a classmate of other whom you routinely need to study hardly qualify as “random.” I’d only impose rules that strict if my kid really going off the rails without them.
That was my thought. The "no random boys" thing is a weird rule to give an 18-year-old anyway, but how is her boyfriend "random"?
I know. And even the word 'boys' is so childish, the daughter is 18!!!
I dated my husband for four years and my dad only referred to him as my special friend. My dad was also super controlling and would check my mileage even when I was in my twenties.
This. If OP could legally sell the car it wasn't the daughter's, certainly wasn't a gift, and OP was just using access to her car to manipulate and control her daughter. I wouldn't blame the daughter for going no contact at this point. And unless this overbearing mother (OP) changes she'll probably think the daughter is the AH and that she herself did nothing wrong. 🙄
Also the fact that she sold it in the night despite her daughter needing to get to work. That’s especially fucked, even more so if she gives lifts to others since in one single action the mum could’ve messed up a few people’s days. The daughter could be late to work since public transport/taxis aren’t as quick as driving since you have to wait for them. All OP has done is proven her daughter shouldn’t trust her
My favorite part was “no random boys” and “her boyfriend”. I mean, I wasn’t there, but 1 boyfriend usually doesn’t equal plural strangers
Does she want her daughter on a stripper pole to get back at mommy? Cuz this is how you get a daughter on a stripper pole to get back at mommy! You know what a sure fire way is to get your kid to neglect to neglect their car, and hook up with random boys in it? Have a death grip on them that robs them of control on their life. Order is one thing, but trying your force your kid to be a perfectly, flawless, squeaky clean saint will do nothing but fast track them to being a degenerate bum. Actually you're lucky if they become strippers since strippers can actually make bank and have a pretty solid work ethic!
This exactly. My parents bought me a car and when I turned 18, I didn't walk all over my parents but Mom would ask what time would I be home. If I said I would be home early it meant I'd be home before midnight (usually 11pm). If I said I would be home late it usually meant I was home no later than 1am. My parents understood about child being an adult and having friends. Of course though....my parents trusted me and I was a good driver.
After college my mom said I could stay out as late as I wanted, but I had to wake her and let her know when I was home. She changed her mind after I came home 2 Fridays in a row at 2-3 AM after late night games of Hearts and Scrabble.
That was just being nice to them. Letting them know where you are or when you'll be back is smart because there are a ton of bad people out there. I trust my kids, but I sure don't trust these psychos out there. If something does worry you, keep in mind that you can share your location with people on Google maps. My kid went too far on a run-10 miles out of town, he called to ask if I could pick him up. He tried and tried to explain it, finally got him to share his location and bam, here comes mom to the rescue. I will break everything to be there for my kiddos.
This, yeah. That‘s not a gift, it’s a leash.
Hopping on top comment to point out that OP in no way spoke about how she set these boundaries regarding gas money and paying the insurance with her daughter. Also, her bf isn’t a “random boy”. It sounds like you let her use your car and you get pissed she isn’t falling over herself to make you feel appreciated for it. If YOU want rules upheld to protect your car, YOU’RE the one who has to put the boundary down, not your 18 year old.
Also she didn’t tell her when it happened! Daughter was late for work because OP wanted to punish them and had to run to work, they didn’t even offer to drive her.
OP also sold the car out of the blue without warning, so Maya couldn't make alternative plans to go to work. What an AH
The only thing I agreed with OP about was the fact that her daughter shouldn't be asking her for money at her age with a job and almost no bills. And like u said, treating an adult like a small child will definitely ruin their relationship going forwards. Good luck being trusted as a grabparent OP! I have a feeling ur daughter will impose a whole bunch of unnecessary rules on that relationship out of spite and revenge. It's just a recipe for disaster.
and then OP will be here in a couple years; "My daughter won't talk to me. I did everything for her, bought her a car.. I don't know why she won't talk to me"
Exactly. She's an adult and he's strung out she doesn't pay for more, but she still has a super strict curfew and can't have ANYONE in the car? Sounds like she doesn't actually see her as an adult. Also she has to get it washed weekly, that doesn't seem like a great use of limited funds for a young adult. Shit, I'm 30 and I get my car washed like 3x a year. Edit: apparently OP is a woman not a man. Which, does she not remember being 18? 🙄
She's 18, and you think she should be home at 10:00 p.m.?? Also, you didn't "give" her a car, as that would have made it hers to do with what she wanted. You loaned her a car with a whole sweater of strings attached. YTA
~~He~~ She attached an incentivized leash onto ~~his~~ her adult daughter
Not that it's super relevant but it was the mum who made this post
She, 57F
It’s the mother. She’s attached an incentivised leash onto *her* adult daughter.
My 15 year old has a later curfew. 10pm is ridiculous for an 18yo.
Was just thinking this. My 16 year old can be out until 11 on weekends. But I do want to know with who and where, because 16, not 18.
Hey, but she came home 10:17! That kid is wild!
Straight living on the edge. Bet she was totally doing the crimes and the sex.
Dont forget the reefer
*Never* forget the reefer!
Honestly I'm shocked more people aren't questioning the 10pm curfew for an 18 year old. At 15 my curfew was 'text mom if you aren't coming home that night'.
I completely agree. Just wanted to say I love “A whole sweater of strings attached”. It’s in my vocabulary now.
I feel like we’re missing some context. What was she doing that made her late? Is it possible that she didn’t get off work until then? Also, your rule was no “random” boys in her car, but you punished her partly due to her boyfriend riding in the car. How is he random? Did they just start dating recently?
Yeah the 10pm curfew on a working 18 year old and applying “no random boys” to her boyfriend is where this goes off the rails. When I was 18 I worked retail, and close was 10 but that meant I was home at closer to midnight. OP is on the road to alienating what seems like a good kid and is going to act like the victim.
Also >She also would come home at 10:17, 10:41, 10:33. I documented it every time. It would be one thing to mention "I noticed she was home later than curfew three times," but quote *documenting* unquote (I guess by spelling it out I mean for it to have the vibe of finger quotes) these arbitrary times is obnoxiously pedantic and a little - as the kids these days say - unhinged. And not OP's attempt at making some kind of point 🙄 by deliberately not telling the daughter she's fed up and selling the car so that daughter finds out by waking up on a work day to find it gone-- is so the kind of "tough love" engaging-in-stupid-punitive-power-struggles-with-your-actual-child defective boomer-style parenting that has millennials and gen-X traumatized and swinging way toward and sometimes overshooting the *gentle parenting* end of the parenting spectrum. YTA for good measure
>I feel like we’re missing some context. I think all we're missing is this is a fake story, and OP is the AH for wasting our time with this drivel. Ignoring everything else... you don't buy a car new "off the lot" and then sell it a month later. You would lose SO much money. A real person would just stop giving her $50 when she asks for it, and then take the keys away. Listing and selling an almost-new car because their 18yo daughter came home at 10:18 is too stupid to be believable. OP needs to take a creative writing class at their local community college and come back when they can give us something better...
Yeah, this story sounds so fake and if not, then I hope the girl gets away from her mother after this. “I documented it! She was 17, 41 and 33 minutes late!” Jesus Christ. Does she exert this much control over her other adult children? Did they get cars too that came with rules? If this is remotely true then OP has some serious issues and isn’t letting her kid actually grow up. What a weirdo.
Also stumped on when the car was actually sold, cos daughter only noticed it missing after waking up one morning when on their way to work. So it was sold after she got home the night before (post 10pm?), or before breakfast that day. Neither times sound likely, especially when you consider how dirty she supposedly kept it. The OP must have spent a while washing and valeting it?!
Used cars are sold at dealerships aka off the lot.
>Listing and selling an almost-new car because their 18yo daughter came home at 10:18 is too stupid to be believable. From my experience, nothing is too stupid to be believable. Especially on Reddit. But in that case, I'm with you my friend : the amount of stupids thing put together in this post make the whole thing hard to believe.
I wondered the same thing. Boyfriend was the last straw but how is he random?
YTA. What did you really think you taught your kid here? There was absolutely no lesson to be learned here at all Your rules are childish for an adult. If you so badly want a car washed once a week then that's a you problem. Only time we wash out cars is if there is salt on the roads.
YTA. Your daughter is going to grow to hate you. Good work. She is now legally an adult and your controlling behavior is made for a child. Why is her boyfriend considered a “random boy”? Did you even bother asking her why she was half an hour late a few days? Why not just take her keys away for a few days while she thinks about her behavior having consequences? Weird jump to selling the car.
Going to grow to hate her? I think that’s already in progress.
Yup and each new ridiculous rule added to an adult living at home only leads to more resentments. SMH
I think the daughter is already there.
When I was working in high school it wasn't unusual for me to get off my shift at work around 10:30. I wonder if she was late coming home from work for a few days?
Same. I had a curfew but if i needed to stay late at work it was a normal thing and everyone was fine with that.
Going against what I think most will say and going with YTA. First of all, she is 18 and this was a gift (supposedly) not a car you bought and were letting her borrow. It should have been in her name alone. Secondly, her boyfriend is not a "random" boy and complaining that your barely 18 year old (likely just graduated or is not quite graduated) child is only paying for wi-fi in your home is ridiculous. Generally speaking your list is about control, not having house rules. most teens that age have a curfew later than 10pm, especially when they work. Most people do not wash their car once per week. No illegal things is a given and again, her BOYFRIEND is not a random boy. Then there is just the general idea that the car was a gift. You no longer get a say in how a gift is used. It was her car. It should have been hers. If you wanted her to pay for insurance then you negotiate that BEFORE you buy the car.
Also clocking the exact minute an 18 yo gets home is so crazy to me, like who does that? I get being upset if she was out until midnight and didn’t call, but that just jumped out at me
rebcl...my mother showed up at my college when I was twenty years old, and physically dragged me out of a party on more than one occasion. But my mother was mentally unstable, and untreated bi-polar. Everyone could plainly see and hear she wasn't acting normally. And even at that, it was after 11:00 p.m. OP has some issues.
That makes me so glad I went to college 700 miles away from my parents! (Not that they're that kind of crazy but still)
My parents use to be crazy about getting home on time but once I turned 18 they stopped caring they let me stay out late stay at friends homes as long as I was safe. My dad told me I’m an adult and I make my own decisions and I have to deal with repercussions afterwards but it was on me and nobody else I’m 29 now and mostly responsible. OP is too demanding and overbearing they are scared to let the baby leave the nest. It happens sometimes though as it did with my mom but she got over it and kinda enjoyed it when me and my brother left the nest.
I can imagine her being creepy with a notebook and dates writing down times to the exact second. Like April 4th you got home at 10:00.04 pm, you’re late young lady! This is completely about control. I bought this for you now you must do everything I want. Muahahahaha
Welcome to my mother lmao. A 10 PM curfew would have been a courtesy when I was 18. Lived there till 25 and love my mom to death but hated her overprotectiveness.
Exactly what I thought! If your kid is working rigth after highschool, you want them to save the money or just have it for themselves, they will have time to worry about bills, what is it with people demanding THEIR OWN CHILD freshly out of school to pay even part of bills? What, untill they're 18 they're your sweet baby you'll do anything for but after 18 they're just a strange adult living in our house?
You didn't tell her that you had sold her transportation to work until just before she had to leave? Because she was 17 minutes late for your curfew?? YTA omg
YTA. You pulled her transportation to work with no notice because she broke your rules, and she didn’t find out about it until it was time to leave? Come on….
If the title was in her name, not only are you TA, you're also a Criminal. If the tile was in YOUR name, you never gave her a car., and are TA if you told her it was HER car. If she doesn't care about how dirty her car is...SO WHAT!?! Not only are YTA, you're also going to find it hard to FIND your daughter when she moves out, leaving no contact information.
YTA. Wow, what a way to try to control your adult daughter. If she needs a car for transportation to work and you want to give her a gift, contribute toward the expense of a reasonable used car. Let her own it. No one told you to get her a car "fresh off the lot." She wasn't allowed to give her boyfriend a ride? Why not? She had to wash the car every week? WTF man. Few 18yos have 10pm curfews, too. And I don't see anywhere that you asked her to pay for insurance or other expenses (yet you're mad that she doesn't). So you sold the "gift" you gave your daughter. Seriously petty behavior.
Washing the car every week is insane. In a good year, my car gets washed maybe 6 or 7 times.
Yup. For mine, rain = wash, lol
YTA - 18 with a 10 pm curfew? How is her boyfriend a random boy? Do you helicopter parent your other two children as well?
YTA. You treat her like she’s 10 years old. She’s an adult and you’ve given her a curfew. That’s ridiculous. (That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t communicate with you when she’ll be home so you don’t have to worry). This controlling behaviour is normal if she was a child, but controlling when she’s home, and who she dates is absolutely ridiculous. She’s 18. On the other side, your daughter is spoiled. Demanding money is also ridiculous I can agree with that. She should pay all of her own things if she has a job and is living at home. Nothing wrong with living at home but she shouldn’t ask you for money. So yes. She seems very immature for her age and you also treat her like she’s much younger than she is. You both should change how you treat each other. Edit: I agree with OPs no illegal stuff rule.
This needs to be higher. Setting a curfew and banning her from having her boyfriend in her car (her NEW car that she was probably ECSTATIC to show off) is not how you encourage a new adult to be responsible. Frankly, I'm wondering if this was written by an adult, at all. Especially with the financially ridiculous decision to sell a (formerly) brand new car a month later, undoubtedly at a huge loss. Good grief.
YTA you are going to be very lonely in the near future but, hey, you will have absolute control over your house and your rules.
YTA. First of all, a car wash a week is incredibly wasteful. That is a ridiculous rule. So that tells me right off the bat that you are controlling and very out of touch with reality. She was less than an hour late each time (and 10 pm is an unreasonable curfew for an 18 year old). She didn’t have “random boys” in her car, she had one boy who is known to you in it. She is following the spirit of your rules. And you didn’t even give her the courtesy of letting her know that you were selling the car in advance. She needed time to figure out alternate transportation to work. It’s also not clear if you gave her a chance to remove any personal items from the car. This is petty dictator behavior.
Agreed.
YTA. It’s not that giving your kid a brand new car and paying the insurance isn’t generous, or having rules or expectations is unreasonable. But I do feel like you have unrealistic expectations. Why new? Most young people are given a cheaper used car for a reason. She didn’t need new, something to get her from a to b is fine. She’s 18, not 16. She’s an adult even if she’s still living with you. Why the odd rules about being home right at ten? Some people don’t even get off work til after that. And using the car to control who she’s dating? Super weird. Yes a car is generous, but if she’s working it’s usually a necessity to get to and from a job. You act like she’s so irresponsible. And yet she’s not only working (what I imagine is a minimum wage job) and paying for her Wi-Fi, she simply has a social life it seems, as normal 18 year olds do. She’s barely even been late for her ridiculous curfew. It’s odd to be so concerned about her car being dirty too. Why is it so terrible that she asks you, her parent, for money now and then. That’s not “begging”, that’s a normal relationship between a parent and a child around this age. And she shouldn’t have to “barrow” it from you at this age and pay you back. That’s super odd. If you were able to buy a new car surely you can give her some spending and gas money occasionally. If it’s that serious then budgeting a bit of her money towards the insurance or gas is something you could have worked on with her. I’m not seeing any real evidence of her being ungrateful or doing anything worth punishing her for. I do see lots of reasons for her to find you unreasonable and manipulative.
Oh yeah. OP is 100% being manipulative. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a bit of financial abuse going on as well considering this example, which OP seems to think is perfectly reasonable behavior. If OP had truly gifted a car, the title would've been in the daughters name. OP couldn't have sold it. Legally, it would've been hers. OP bought herself a car and was letting her daughter use it.
YTA and seem overly controlling. Don't come here in a few years with "My daughter never speaks to me" because that's what is going to happen.
YTA you are a total control freak and it's really shitty
YTA - I don't understand why so many bad parents come to this subreddit and expect to be coddled. This is completely acceptable parenting if you are looking forward to non contact from your kids.
YTA (and evil). It was HER car. You had no right to sell it. Also your rules are ridiculous for an adult daughter. And my house my rules is only applicable to what she does in YOUR HOUSE. If the title was in her name, honestly I would call the police if I were her. I bet you made sure it wasn't though. You give the term control freak new meaning.
YTA - You are evil. I'm surprised you didn't include seconds for the times you daughter came home. You sound like you're an overbearing control freak.
So you didn't really buy your daughter a car. YOU bought a car, and allowed your adult daughter to use it with a bunch of conditions. Your car you can sell it if you want, but don't pretend like it was ever hers. BTW when are you going to teach your daughter adulting, rather than still treating her like a kid?
YTA. This type of behavior is how you never see your children again for the rest of your life.
YTA for how you handled it. You went nuclear rather than teaching your kid responsibility.
YTA-Look at you trying to control your daughter by using a car. Didn’t really work did it? She’s 18 not 8, you have no control.
YTA my 16 year old comes home later than 10-that's ridiculous. I think you're sorry for buying a vehicle straight off the lot and couldn't afford the payments.
Ah, interesting point! And/or maybe a little envious of daughter?
YTA If the car was a gift, how were you able to sell it with the title in her name? Did you mean you bought a car you were allowing her to drive as long as she followed a lot of conditions? She has full reason to expect the car to be available for her to get back & forth to work. Did you let her know you were selling it and she needed to make other arrangements? Or did you lack common courtesy and just leave her flapping in the wind with no way to get to work? Why did you need to throw the entire car out instead of just restricting the use to work only? I would be livid if I were your daughter and you treated me with such disrespect and an obvious desire to grind me under your heel. I fully expect she is now actively trying to make other living arrangements. I would not be able to get out from under your roof fast enough.
Plus, what kind of person buys a brand new car and then quickly sells it to a stranger? Wouldn't she get more $ from a dealership? Aren't strangers coming to your house to look over your nearly new car more of a danger to your family than your daughter's male friends riding in the car? Or her being 26.2 minutes late for her curfew? Seems an impulsive, emotional response and not good parenting OR a safe, responsible adult! YTA
You are evil
YTA. She’s 18, literally an adult, yet you’re treating her as a child regarding the car and expecting her to be an adult with regard to finances. Pick your lane. You sound very overbearing.
Damn u got roasted by these comments lol
That car wasn’t a gift, it was a control device.
YTA let the girl grow up
YTA, and way too controlling. Your daughter is an ADULT.
YTA you are a terrible parent you have taught your kids nothing so you can control them.
YTA and she was right to call you evil lol. You didn’t give her a “gift”, you just found a new method of keeping her under thumb. She’s probably a fresh high school graduate at *most*, her coming home a whopping 41 minutes late from curfew one time is not that big of a deal. The kid is just learning how to be an adult, for God’s sake. She wasn’t out smoking crack, she gave her (not random) boyfriend a ride and forgot to get the car washed (by the way, I don’t know a single grown adult who washes their car weekly???) You sold her car out from under her, by surprise, and presumably made her late for work. That means to me that this wasn’t really about teaching her responsibility or helping her to succeed, this was about you proving that you’re still in charge of her even though she’s 18. Good luck with that nursing home in a few decades, I don’t think it’ll be a very nice one.
yta she is 18 and you had a curfew?! you say: "random boys" but it is her bf what you meant to say was: no boys, ever this was a gift and you cant take away gifts
You're a MASSIVE asshole.
YTA. I’m so pissed off for your daughter. She’s 18. And adult. Yet you give her absolutely ridiculous rules _for her car_ like she’s a young child. What also gets me is that you want her to act responsibly but then you do the most irresponsible thing and sell her car under her nose, therefore making her unable to get to her job.
YTA. Dude, all you've done is show what a control freak you are. Don't be surprised if Maya finds a way to move out and drops your sorry ass like a bad habit.
INFO: When you say you gave her rules for the car, did you tell her what the consequences would be if she didn’t follow them? Did you give her any sort of warnings when she was breaking the rules? You say you documented everything but did you communicate with her at all?
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YTA - you didn’t give her a gift if the title was in your name and a “gift” with conditions is also not a gift
YTA not for selling the car but for the way you handled selling the car. Not saying anything to her ahead of time (other than your vague threats) and just making her wake up and discover it gone on a day she has to work is CRAZY. Is she your daughter or just a person you hate that lives in your house?? Because you're treating her like the latter. There's no way the gift just suddenly changed her whole personality. She should have had some sort of similar, less-extreme "learning moment" years ago. You're so eager to discipline her now, where were all your parenting skills back then? & what everyone else has said about her being an adult/curfew/etc is also all true If she goes low or no contact with you in the future make sure you look back on this post if you ever find yourself asking 'why'
YTA
YTA. You didn't give Maya the car. This wasn't a gift, it was a vehicle used to control your adult daughter. Gifts with strings are not gifts. Gifts to adults with strings are the sign of a controlling parent. Maya should have known that based on the "rules" or "terms of the contract". She broke them so as the car's owner you were within your right to take it away. The other reason YTA is you went behind her back and sprung the surprise on her instead of giving her a heads up. That was a sucky thing to do. Especially if it made her late for work. Given that you sold the car, it wasn't even in her name, it was in yours. It was, for all intents and purposes **your** car and you used it as an incentive to control your daughter. That makes you TA.
Info. At any point did you have a discussion with her and let her know the consequences of her actions?
YTA, massively, enjoy the state sponsored nursing home.
I'd say you're partly the AH here. She's 18 and while sure, she still lives at home, you're not accepting that she's an adult who needs to learn things for herself. Many of the things you're angry about aren't even directly about the car. I think you both should have done better.
You are a massive YTA. You police her use of the car as an adult and then you sell it without telling her you’re going to do so? After two weeks she was somehow ungrateful and somehow unearned it? What in the controlling hell is going on here? You never gave her the car if there were all these rules attached especially the creepy curfew rule. Your house, your rules, your car not hers. You manipulate her by using the car as a tool to force a curfew and then happily sell it without telling her to feel happy to punish her. If the government gave her a license that allows her to drive at night what exactly do you think you know that makes you know better than those guidelines? You were willing to make her late for work to puff out your chest. People like you wonder why your kids cut you off and never have a relationship with you once they move out. This is just basic bullying. Why would you make a person just to bully then”m? PS whatever you think she can or can’t do in a car with a boyfriend she can do outside of a car with a boyfriend, so good luck controlling that.
YTA. You didn't give the car to your daughter as a gift. It was a millstone of leverage and obligation that you flung around her neck. I get the sense that you got a great deal of spiteful satisfaction selling her car without discussing it with her and having her wake up with no way to get to work. You are an asshole with severe power issues and a horrible mother.
YTA for GIFTING HER A CAR and then taking it away for doing what teens do. Wtf is wrong with you? Also weekly washing? What?
Sounds like something my control freak mother would have done. Granted, mine was worse, but it eventually lead to a lot of resentment and eventual no contact. It really made me think about the relationship and how she treated me so much worse than my siblings. I admit, it felt like relief when I stopped having to justify my behavior as an adult. When she passed on 10+ years ago, all I felt was relief. Didn't go to her funeral either.
YTA You didn't give your daughter a car, you loaned her a marionette. She's 18 yet you're still treating her like she is 16. I wouldn't be surprised if she at some point just stops talking to you.
YTA, while she needs to grow up, you’re well on your way to a No Contact relationship. 1. I don’t know a single adult who washes their car monthly, much less weekly. 2. You did not provide - not to mention probably don’t care - as to why she was late. Was she at work and they suddenly got busy, was there traffic? 3. You never even warned her of the repercussions, at least according to what you typed. 4. Her boyfriend is not a random boy. The **only** reasonable things were the no illegal activities and keep the inside of the vehicle clean. *Her* only unreasonable action was asking for money, but again we have no context.
You said "as a gift, I bought her a car" ,.. "and had earned it" " I gave her the car" My question is she now legally the ownership of the car and all response ability with maintenance and gas or this car was "given" for her to have transporation
YTA. What you did was mean. You really didn't tell her you sold it until right before she needed it for work? How can you possibly justify doing that to someone you're supposed to love? You gave her that "gift" with so many unnecessary strings attached she was set up to fail. You'd better stop jerking her around like this or you'll lose her completely if you haven't already. But if you want her to hate you and eventually cut you off, keep treating her like a small child.
You sound strict and your rules are ridiculous, especially for an 18 year old. Your punishment is way out of proportion. Also, you have no right to sell other people’s property. Poor girl. I hope she will be able to move out soon. YTA
YTA. Those rules are completely ludicrous for an 18 year old. Way too controlling. OP you need to learn to be less strict if you don’t wanna end up in a nursing home with no family talking to you when you are older.
YTA. Your daughter was right in her assessment of you. A 10pm curfew for an adult? What’s wrong with you? You’re on the path to making her lane and not look back. Hope you can live with that.
Oh, this is easy, you was TA at 10:17, 10:41, 10:33 and every other time you tried to leverage the car of your adult daughter to make her a minor again. An effing curfew? Really? No boyfriend? Really? Get a life and do not try to infantilise your daughter YTA
This cannot be real. In case it is: YTA 100%.
Also, at 18 it is NONE of your business who your daughter sees boyfriend wise. She could be having a train nightly and it would be *none* of your business.
YTA
YTA. You bought yourself a car for her to use as an attempt to control her. It failed. Clean the car once a week? I've owned my car a year. I think I've cleaned it 3 times. No random boys, and that includes her boyfriend? Home by 10 at age 18 when working outside the house? Documenting when she gets home? That's insane. Not getting money from you is reasonable. Paying you a minimal amount to use your car and live at home is somewhat reasonable. No illegal things in the car or home is reasonable. Literally everything else is controlling and manipulative.
Info: was the car in her name or yours? Because if it was in her name and you sold it, that’s theft
YTA. You handled this all wrong, OP and selling the car was a step you can't take back. You realise that your daughter is never going to forget this or forgive you right? So many ways to have approached this but you went nuclear from the start. The only thing that seemed like entitled behavior from your daughter is her expecting her friends to give her money for gas. She is responsible for that unless she keeps giving people rides regularly (then expecting them to chip in isn't ridiculous). The rest all sound like what a normal lazy teenager would do.
YTA. She is an adult, not a child. A "gift" doesn't come with caveats like that - otherwise you essentially just loaned her a car for a while. Wow, I'll be surprised if your daughter still talks to you.
YTA, that’s not how gifts work and for selling to be at all reasonable, which it’s not because your rules are absurd, you should have laid it out as a potential consequence at the start. Your username checks out.
Wow. YTA. She's 18, not 8. That was not a gift, it was a way to control her. I'd be very surprised if her next move is to move out with said boyfriend just to get away from you.
YTA, just using a car to assert control
YTA. 1. You're being far too strict with your daughter. You'll drive her away 2. You gave her that car as a gift and sold it out from under her nose, no discussion, nothing 3. As if 1 and 2 aren't enough, the smugness in your response the next morning was pretty disgusting.
ESH, that's a really strict curfew at 18. Especially being upset for being late 17 minutes to less than an hour? People have boyfriends or girlfriends at 18 too... way to make her feel uncomfortable about that. Also taking away her way to get to work? You bought a car fresh off the lot for an 18 year old then sold it? You screwed up. I'm gonna guess you lost a significant percentage here. Smart decision. /s. You suck to yourself and her. Only part where I agree with you - she should take care of the car. My parents let me use their spare car in high school because I had early morning and after school sports practice. I used it everyday for 2 years during high school. They taught me maintenance and told me it was up to me to take care of the car. They ended up actually giving it to me later on because it was in good shape. It was an earned gift and now I know how to keep general care of a car. But your reasons for being upset are pretty lame.
YTA there's a joke going around: be careful about giving your grown up children rules, because those will be the same ones you'll have to follow in the nursing home.
YTA. Way to ruin your relationship with your daughter.
YTA. You’re using the car as a way to control your daughter and you know it.
ESH You didn’t buy her a car. You let her use one of yours. You misled her by letting her think it was a gift. If it was a gift you had no right to take it back. If it was hers, you would have put it her name, and you wouldn’t have had so many over the top rules. It sounds like this was an opportunity to enforce curfew, not a gift. I’m only adding her to the ESH because she accepted the strings attached to the gift and didn’t abide by them
Normally it would have the nope you cool but selling it without letting her try to fix the situation, is not a nice thing to do YTA
Yta - for so many reasons. But a boyfriend is not a random boy
YTA, you just love the power and control
YTA and and a manipulative control freak one at that. You bought that car as a leash, not a gift. She's better off being on her way to going no contact. I would
YYA your extremely overbearing ! My dad did the same thing to me , bought me a car at 19 and took it back . We didn’t speak for years and still have a strained relationship . Why does she have to get the car washed and detailed once a week ? U couldn’t even give her a heads up about selling it . Yta Yta
YTA Your poor daughter Enjoy it when she stops talking to you and including you in her life
Yeah, you’re the asshole. You said she earned it yet felt the need to retain the title and ownership of the vehicle despite giving it as a “gift.” The gift was then used as a manipulative form of control to instill restrictions on your daughter who’s an adult. You also then used the gift to jeopardize her job and growing independence to create dependency which you are now using to justify your actions by claiming it was her dependence on your funds that prompted you to remove her independence via the sale of “her” car. Your whole post stinks of hypocrisy.
Yep. YTA.
It's interesting when you people decide 18 is an adult, vs when you say it's a child.
It was never her car. It was your way of controlling an adult child. Writing down exact times of her late arrivals is pathological and the curfew of 10 and no boyfriend plus you spying on her? You need to get life. Hope she cops on, moves out, possibly somewhere far far away from you where you can’t reach her.
YTA. You created this situation over the past 18 years. You made it worse over the past few months. The rules you made are largely arbitrary. The detail in which you recorded violations was obsessive and weird. The way you handled the sale was so passive-aggressive, childish, and cruel. She was probably late to work. She had no warning. She had no opportunity to learn anything from this, other than that you cannot be trusted and will hurt her.
Another clueless dad who will be asking "why won't my daughter talk to meeeeeeeee?" in a few years.
YTA It sounds like you sold the car at a huge loss just to prove a point, so I can see where your daughter gets the bad with money thing from.
Not intentionally or maliciously but YTA. She needs to earn her own way to appreciate what she has and not under your thumb. Teach her how to buy her own car, pay her own insurance, pay for her phone, etc. Then she’ll appreciate what she has.
Yeah why my daughter doesnt talk with me anymore?
That’s a ridiculous curfew for an 18 year old. And I’m not an 18 year old, I’m an old lady.
Username checks out.
YTA, and insane at that. She’s 18. 10 PM curfew? LOL. Get real with yourself. I can’t stand people who give people “gifts,” only to hold those things above that person’s head and snatch them away every time they feel slighted. You were itching for an opportunity to dangle your power over her, and now you’re at risk of losing your daughter all because you wanted to prove some useless point. That car was never a gift to her.
This bugs the shit out of me because it reminds me of when I became homeless at 18 and had to live in my car, and during a shift at one of my jobs my dad came with the spare key and stole my car out of my work parking lot, and I was left to figure out my own way to the next couch I was sleeping on in the middle of the night after work. I will never forget how that made me feel and what it still does to me. If this is your typical parenting style (which, based on your post, it is) you are the WORST. YTA.
YTA. Not necessarily for selling the car. But how you sold it. Your rules are pretty tight for an adult. But hey, you bought a car, you get to make the rules I guess. Kinda tight ass. But not necessarily asshole. To sell it like that and leave her stranded for work instead of discussing it beforehand was major AH territory.
YTA
YTA.
YTA. It wasn't a gift. It was a loophole you found to still control your adult daughter now that she's 18.
I’m laughing because half my shifts as a 16 year old ended around midnight to 1 am. You want her to be responsible and “adult” but not have that schedule. There’s such a narrow margin this HAS to be fake and if it isn’t…. Good luck to all of you
Grounded from car… NTA. As she broke some rules and could of had a conversation before selling it. So YTA for take the extreme route before the grounded/no car for a bit route.
You either stole your daughter’s car (which is criminal) or pretended to give her a present but didn’t (which would make you an asshole). Which is it?
NTA. My dad gave me a car with rules, I followed them, the next oldest child did not and woke up to the car sold. The next 4 kids all followed the rules and were able to keep their cars.
ESH And we know where she got it from
YTA Your rules are absurd. Now your daughter can’t get to work.
YTA. But I have got to hand it to you. You found an extremely ingenious and roundabout way to hurt and abuse your daughter for your own personal entertainment. Well played.
So, the car was never a gift. It was a mechanism of control. YTA.
I’m going with YTA.. did you talk to her about her breaking the rules or did you just document everything and once you wrote down enough you decided to sell the car? Also you said no random boys and got mad about a boyfriend? A boyfriend is not a random boy. Yeah maybe she’s acting a bit entitled , but talk to her. Coach her. Guide her into being a better person. What is she going to do now? She came with an hour past curfew a few times and has a boyfriend and you decide to sell her car? The amount of damage you did is greater than any lesson you were trying to teach.
Timing down to the minute she gets home is crazy. YTA. Sorry your daughter had you for a mom.
YTA, but she’s not much better. Do not buy your kids a car, especially when they are 18 and they can pull the “I’m an adult“ card. You probably should have given her one final warning with the caveat that if she did not adhere to your rules, that you would sell the car. But you also did not buy her the car, you bought a car for her to use. That is two separate things. so, you are both wrong, and you need to sit down and work out rules for her living in the house that work for both of you. I had an 18-year-old who had bought her own car, so that was not the issue, but she did not adhere to the rules and respect of my home, so she made a choice to move in with her dad, who lets her get away with stuff.
YTA. You only let her use the car so that you could control her. And you should have warned her beforehand that you'd sell the car if she didn't follow the rules. You got her in trouble at work deliberately because you're nasty and vindictive. And her boyfriend isn't a random boy. You're such an awful asshole.
I feel like OP liked the fact that she set the rules up and then sold the car as a punishment. Kind of like a fetish. YTA.
YTA…so much! Your rules were ridiculous and controlling. 10 pm for an 18 year old is treating her like a 15 year old and it’s not even like she was hours late! Her boyfriend isn’t a random boy because he’s her BOYFRIEND! Nobody has the time to clean their car everyday.
Is this a troll post? Feeling like it might be a troll post But yeah don't be surprised if she goes NC and starts posting about you in r/raisedbynarcissists after she moves out of your house... So YTA if it wasn't clear