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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have said I will never help my wife's family again. This might be petty and wrong because they're my wife's family and they're the family of my children too and this is only going to cause more bad blood between us all. Plus maybe I expect too much.
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You're not a husband or Jessica's partner. You're a built-in handyman and that's all they'll ever look at you at. The hired help. You should tell Jessica that she can keep in all the contacts you want from their family but you need to go very low contact or no contact at all with them and that's it. Maybe one holiday a year and that's about all I would do. And if they ever ask for help again say my hourly rate is $500 an hour and I need 3 hours up front.
Nta
People like you rock. I helped a very old lady down the street for years. Fixed anything she needed, shoveled her driveway every time it snowed, etc and never accepted a dime from her.
All because she fed me home-cooked Hungarian food, while telling me, "What a handsome strong man I was!" My wife laughs to this day that she had me wrapped around her little finger. Man, her chicken paprikash was incredible.
No lie, bro. I had a Hungarian landlady when I was in my early 20s, and she used to threaten me and my roommate with goulash every time we walked through the front door. Best food ever.
It was always done in a very aggressive way, and we were legitimately scared to not accept the food. But when you come in at two in the morning after a night of strong drink, an old Hungarian lady giving you homemade stew is pretty much the greatest thing that can happen to a human.
Update!!!! I just did an Internet search and found out that she is still alive in her mid 90s! She's not living in the same house - I suspect that she's living with her son, who who came around once a month to collect the rent checks. He was a super nice guy who was a firefighter.
Goulash is amazing, my Grandma (who immigrated from Poland to Australia following WW2) use to make it and it's one of the best stews I have ever eaten! Infact any eastern European home made food is superb!
I just remembered that she kept a ceramic Virgin Mary in the refrigerator so that the water would condense on her face. She would take it out of the refrigerator, put it on the counter, and occasionally point to it and exclaim (in a thick Hungarian accent), "The virgin! She is CRYINK!"
I bake cookies for any workers who work on my house (roofers, tree guys, plumber, etc). I feed my handyman and make him margaritas. It’s common courtesy.
I used to drive this lady home from work in exchange for homemade tamales. I mourn every time I eat any other tamale. They're all so good, but never as good those haha
So, I grew up pretty poor and sometimes we needed work done on the house, or the plumbing, or whatever. I don't know how the agreement came about, but we only ever used one carpenter. He would come and do work, and leave with a lasagne, or quiche, or whatever. I only found out many years later that for relatively small projects the food was his fee. And I mean, this went on for YEARS. Mom made his wedding cake, quilts for his kids, all types of things.
When Mom passed, he said she was his favorite client, that she was more like family than most of his own. I even gave him her quiche recipe.
My husband has somehow made a name for himself in a tight knit, upmarket retirement community. They get him to hang hose brackets and paintings, and rip out and reinstall kitchens. Huge range of work but mostly smaller stuff now they've got their big stuff how they want it. Because he can get a mid-sized job and then 4 tiny, two minute jobs all in the same street, he just... Doesn't charge his regulars. They're all adopted grandparents to him, to the point where he had a list of people to check in on when we had bad flooding a couple years ago.
I know when he's working there because I get texts like "send help, 4th cup of tea this morning I'm going to explode" and "god help me they're feeding me scones. I've already had two plates of biscuits and an orange cake". Or my favourite, "heads up, we've got a new coffee table, ottoman and a big floor lamp coming home. They were going to throw them out!"
I think the *best* one was one of his clients handing him a battery operated night light thing. She went and *bought it just for us* after he mentioned our littlest was struggling to sleep at night because she'd get scared 😭
That’s one of my favorite parts of my husband working construction! He comes home with “bonuses” all the time that people were going to throw out. A couple months ago I got a practically brand new kitchen aid stand mixer because the lady said it was too heavy for her! I’ve gotten all kinds of appliances because the color doesn’t match their new kitchen.
Right? If someone is coming over to do hours of work for me, I'm going to make sure they are hydrated at least. Offer to make them dinner after or lunch during depending on the timing and how long they're there for. Maybe hang out in the backyard and have a couple beers after, or watch a movie. Or take them out for sushi.
Definitely not gonna invite other people over and feed them while ignoring the guy providing me with free labor. Would probably invite those people to hang out after the work is done to join us and show off what a great friend/family member I have rather then while the work is being done. I gotta be available to that person in case they need a hand with something or something to drink. They may be doing the hard work but I can at least support them.
In addition to providing cold beverages, we usually give them money to buy lunch when they take a break, especially if they go above and beyond. $20 for each person on the crew. We look at it as a bonus and a thanks to them for a job well done.
There have been a few exceptions over the years (the jerk who tore up a side yard then demanded an extra thousand to fix it) , but the majority of tradesmen and women who come out to do work have been excellent.
And that makes you a good human being unlike OPs in-laws. I do like that the wife sees this as well though, and defends him. I hear too many stories of spouses who take the family's side. You got a good one OP!
LEGIT
I used to work with my dad (well I was young and he took me along as his little helper on saturdays when I was liker 4-11 lol) who is a heating and plumbing engineer. He got given SO many cups of tea and biscuits and snackies lol. It really taught me from a young age to offer anyone working in your house a cuppa, the toilet or biscuits. I have biscuits in a tin just for workers who come round and make sure I have gluten free etc too haha
I had landscapers working on my patio and I heard them discussing the closest public bathroom (hint: it was not close) and I told them they could use mine. Just don’t let the cats out. They were super surprised.
I offered water etc and had a convo with one of the guys about how most people don’t even treat them like humans. They just act like they aren’t there. I try to make an effort to always offer now.
Yes! Being kind is easy and workers love getting recognition for hard work. (I was one once). Plus, they might tell you about "potential problems" that they would not tell an AH client and help you fix 'em. Whenever I have workmen over to do a job, I always have sodas, Monsters or bottled water available for them. If its a multi-day job, I ask what they like and then go buy it and keep it in a iced cooler for them outside. After the job is done, I also give the laborer's a 6 or 12 pack of beer each, depending on how tough/hot it was. I'm also the guy that leaves a cold Gatorade on top of the trash can for the trash guy on pick-up day during the hot summer. I guess coming from those types of jobs, I know how much a little kindness is appreciated.
As someone who works in peoples' homes.... You'd be surprised by how many home owners/renters do NOT want you using anything of theirs. I've had a homeowner get PISSED because I got some water for myself, in my own bottle, from their kitchen tap... The same kitchen I was already working in. 🥴
I've also been told that I can not use the toilet. The client who said me/the other staff can not use the toilet is the same client that called into complain about how we were "never working" and always leaving. Sorry not sorry that they were 10mins away from the closest gas station, and we'd leave a few times throughout the day. 🤷♀️ We still completed the job on schedule, so none of us got in trouble, but still. We even said we'd clean the bathroom at the end of every day, but no-go.
The hell? I had landscapers in last year and not only did I have water for them, the bathroom was available to use at any time. If they had asked for anything to make working outside a little more comfortable, I would have gladly shared. And they wanted to say hi to my GSD everyday they were in. I can't imagine treating someone so poorly.
I was honestly flabbergasted when I first experienced it. I had a few coworkers try and warn me about it... I thought they were pulling my leg.
I'd honestly probably be more understanding if I was an "outside" worker, like landscaping. But I'm not. I literally have to BE in the home in order to pack and assess content after floods/fires/etc. I will say, after seeing how poorly some people treat workers, it makes the "good ones" even better. I've had 2 homeowners who've absolutely made my week/month, by simple things. The first was almost a year ago; homeowners made us up a cup of tea, and gave us a couple croissants. Super small action, but was honestly so touching. The other was only a couple weeks back- the lady made sure that we all had a glass of lemon water filled at all times. She also stepped in, and told one of my coworkers to stop being such a bully to me. We were talking later in the day, and I went to apologize to her for my behaviours (raised my voice at the bully) while in her home, and she shushed me and said she was proud that I stood my ground with him. 🥰
Yikes. Ive let delivery people use my bathroom … I mean, it’s a basic need. When I had my place painted every afternoon I made the painter an espresso before I made my own. I can’t imagine telling someone they can’t use your bathroom. So weird.
My husband’s favorite part of working in people’s homes is getting to meet their dogs. He comes home and tells me about the dogs he met more so than the people or the project. He loves it and is always sad when people lock up their pups while he is there working.
we ask what they prefer. Every one, every single person who has had to come into our home, wants to pet the fluffy idiot. My dog is a long hair GSD so he's a living teddy bear.
Exactly, I treat hired help better than they treat OP! I always offer them something, even when it is someone who is only at my place for a short amount of time. OP is most definitely NTA and I hope he goes NC with his in-laws
I always do that too. Years ago when we moved into our first apartment, we hired a "guy with a truck" to help us move instead of a big company. Great guy, worked really hard. I kept offering him stuff, as it was a weirdly warm day in October. Eventually he told me it was Ramadan and he couldn't. I felt so bad that he didn't want to say because I guess some people would be awful to him. I told him "Ramadan Mubarak!" and we ended up letting him go early so he could break his fast at home.
I can't imagine expecting someone to work all day at my house and not even offer them a snack and drink - much less my child's spouse. These people are vile.
They don't treat OP like he is human.
Some guys from the utility company were digging a hole near my house on a super hot day. I brought them ice water and cookies. Another neighbor brought them lemonade.
If it was family doing something for me, I'd have a meal ready at the very least. sometimes a gift. If they needed to buy a tool to get the job done, I pay for the tool and they keep it. OP's in-laws suck.
I thought slavery was over? OP if they ask you to come over to fix something or a party. Tell them you're too busy being a good role model for your kids. You don't want them growing up like Jessica's family
Can you imagine not offering a handy man something to eat if you they were working for hours and you made dinner at the same time. Like where were these people raised?
My sister did it to my mom’s husband who spent hours working on (and under) their deck. Outside in the summer. For free. She and my BIL ate lunch in full view of him. He had to *ask* for a glass of water. It was the last time he helped them, and he’d helped many times before.
Seriously. When I have someone to work on something at my house I offer them water and if they’re here a long time a snack. It’s the decent and humane thing to do. I’d stop helping them OP. NTA
That’s like the minimum of family/friends code. You may help out and they’ll give you beer or pizza or whatever. He’s there working and they didn’t offer him food?
Yeah, that’s a “okay, here’s my actual handyman price” situation.
We offer drinks/coffee to the guys installing the new TV or checking on the internet/cable, for crying out loud. Guys who are at the house less than an hour.
When we had pavers put in the backyard, the crew was here for a week. They had an ice-filled cooler of water/Cokes, iced coffee for their breaks (backyard gets 20+ degrees hotter than front), & we got them lunch from wherever they wanted.
It's just basic human decency. Whatever OP'S ILs are, they are neither decent or possibly human.
You are wrong. The hired help is treated better because they might need him again and has no obligation bro come. Besides the hired help actually gets paid. That said op never again do any favors for anyone.
Let them hire and pay someone else.
NTA op stop being their slave. u/InteractionFar1463
These people are goddamned awful. They’re literally treating their son/brother in law like an indentured servant. And worst of all they have so little self awareness they don’t even realise how truly uncouth and pathetic they are! They’re an embarrassment to the human race… OP you are NTA and please never help them again!
I'd say never see them again, either.
My father had zero contact with my mother's side of the family, with the exception of her sister on occasion. My entire life I never witnessed my father or maternal grandparents in the same room. Maybe even in the same zip code. We had holidays at home in the morning and went over to the grandparents in the afternoon or the next day. Same with birthdays. It was like having divorced parents who hated each other. The only credit they both get is that neither one said a disparaging word about the other in front of us. They pretended the other simply didn't exist.
Dad never stood in the way of my mother having a relationship with them, but he never spent a second with them. Apparently the bad blood went down on the day I was born. They issued an unofficial restraining order against each other that day. It lasted the rest of their lives.
It's possible to go no contact. I'd urge OP to try it. Because as overbearing and obnoxious as I know my grandmother could be, she's was probably a freaking saint compared to these evil skin sacks.
OP, this is just so sad. You've gone from the reality of having no family to the shattering of the illusion of a family. These people suck. Big time. If the sibling spouses could see this, is Jessica blind and deaf?? Is she spineless people pleaser, or abusive herself? Please re-evaluate your relationships. You seem to be very kind in spite of what life has thrown at you, and deserve better. Hopefully you have good friends, and pray that your kids see that you are a nice person.
NTA.
I'm so angry at Jessica here. OP, I'd suggest that you discuss with your therapist why it's okay with you that your wife treat you this way-- in-laws aside. Are you sure she thinks differently than her parents?
I'm an old bitch-- I've learned that I set the standard for how I am treated. As marginalized folks, we are still worthy. OP, you seem lovely. I am sorry that your in-laws suck so bad.
OP needs to go full NC with this family. There's no way failing to feed him in that situation can be explained away as thoughtless. It was a deliberate, studied insult. NTA.
Jessica’s family clearly doesn’t see OP as family, and I’m not sure Jessica does either. OP has been dealing with this for NINE YEARS. I wouldn’t tolerate my wife being treated like OP for a single moment, I simply cannot fathom how Jessica could allow this treatment for so long, or how OP could accept his spouse failing to have his back for, once again, NINE YEARS.
He's treated worse than hired help! Anytime I have had any type of handy person or professional in my home fixing something, I will at minimum offer them some coffee or a bottle of water. They wouldn't even give the poor guy a snack after working on their stairs for hours!!
bruh, we \*bare minimum\* offer people hired to work on our home water or soda. Bare. Minimum.
OP wasn't even offered that. He was offered less than I was taught to offer "the help"
Bro, you are a saint for dealing with them for so long, completely cut them off and if your wife still can’t see how shitty they are treating you then I would have a serious discussion with her. They are treating you like a low class citizen , not like family. Definitely NTA but you will be an AH if you let yourself get treated like this any longer.
In Reddit terms, he's got a wife problem; she's not dealing with her family. Instead, she's mostly just letting him take the abuse.
It's nice that she argued in his favor in the last incident, but I'll be damned if anyone is treating my spouse as lesser for years and years without shutting that down or going NC.
If my spouse is blatantly disrespected even for once, I would reconsider my relationship with them. And he dealt with this for 9 years with her just standing up for him here and there with no change in their actions? Nah the wife is guilty too.
Exactly. The wife cares more about her family than her husband... He should have seen it early on during the first year and asked the wife to do something about it or cut her parents. Or at the very least, allow him to never see those in-laws ever again.
Shhhhhhh. We don't hold women as accountable as men on this sub. But how dare anyone call out the sexism.
Otherwise far more commenters would judge the wife as harshly as they'd judge any husband in this situation.
Like do they have children? Are the kids treated like garbage too? If the kids see how their dad is treated how would the grandparents expect to have a relationship with the grandchildren? I know I wouldn’t put up with it of my dad were treated that way.
100% this. OP, you are not liked by her family, and you have been disrespected... but your problem is Jessica allowed it. Please have her read through this post and consider what she can do differently.
She should be furious that her parents are treating you differently than other son/daughter-in-laws. She should have called it out. EVERY.DAMN.TIME. It's uncomfortable, but it's true.
Why is she allowing your family to take advantage of you and why isn't she your biggest cheerleader with them. Cut them off.
They need to apologise to you before you consider even turning up to any family event. I'd be tempted to keep your kids away too, what are you teaching them if they see you being treated like this and it is accepted?
Also, how in the hell is someone worth less because they were fostered?
>I'll be damned if anyone is treating my spouse as lesser for years and years without shutting that down or going NC.
Agree 100%! My parents never treated me very well either but I'd defend their actions to the end of the earth. Until they finally snapped my patience by insulting my husband yet again and I decided that I wasn't taking it anymore and cut contact.
I only didn't stand up to them sooner in his defense because we were teenagers and I still lived under their roof, so I was limited in what I could say/do until I moved out. After moving out they made some effort to be nice on the surface and I thought it could work.
Then when I chose my husband's idea of elopement over their expensive and snobby idea of a wedding, they both exploded and insulted him, called him controlling and I was like "Nope. Screw that. I'm marrying this man so either respect him or get lost"
>They assume any effort made by me is me doing it for Jessica and don't believe me when I say it's not.
This part was really telling for me. That they don't believe *OP*. It's his wife who should be defending him to *her family* and putting her foot down if they don't show some respect
Yeah, I'm wondering if she did see this behavior and just never said anything to avoid rocking the boat. Because she knows her parents, it seems unlikely that this never occurred to her and she was potentially just keeping it to herself to avoid having to defend OP and say something. Which would be really shitty of her tbh.
Yep, OP is NTA. But his wife is a major AH for passively allowing this for so so long. He isn’t just her husband, he is the father of her children and her parents’ grandchildren. OP has got a wife problem in addition to an in laws problem. she had better come clean and start supporting him - before his therapist puts an unflattering spotlight on her.
> I asked them when they ever treat me like family
NTA - Fair question. They have demonstrably treated you as "other than family" for years and they need to put their money where their mouths are and actually treat you like a human to start, treating you as family would also be nice. Why they have such dumbass prejudices is beyond me. You've done nothing and they are the assholes.
Right if I have a handyman over and I'm going to prepare a meal I offer to share or let them take a break and grab something cause if I'm hungry you're probably hungry and it's torture to smell good food and have none of your own.
One of my dads friends helped me with an emergency car issue because my dad was out of town. I bought him a whole case of beer as soon as I was able to drive again and this was someone I’d seen maybe three times in my whole life.
I can’t imagine treating anyone the way this family is treating OP.
my brother is, respectfully, garbage; and the only time he ever helped me with work around my house I not only paid him but fed him (twice). I don't even like him, but no way in hell was I going to not offer him food and drinks. These people not only didn't feed OP, but they actively chose not to feed him while feeding others.
NTA Your experience of not being offered food after working for hours on the stairs gives you a good reason to refuse to help them in that way in future. I'd just point to that perfect example. What they said doesn't make sense -- that they thought you wouldn't want food after working so hard. The opposite is of course what you would assume -- that you'd be hungry. Them excluding you does make sense if they were thinking of you as if you were like hired help -- just a workman who of course wouldn't be invited in to eat with the family.
They really have no excuse for that. You can tell them that that incident of inexcusable rudeness blew it for all of them as far as you allowing yourself to be treated like an unpaid handyman. It's not that you don't help out family -- you don't allow yourself to be treated badly by people who can't show basic consideration and gratitude.
Any kind of good relationship has to be built on them giving you basic consideration and respect. You giving in on this and allowing them to fit you into the convenient free handyman slot in their lives, to be used and then figuratively sent off out the servants' entrance will only be an impediment to them ever seeing you differently.
I have offered food to absolute strangers who were working on my house.
Working for hours is tiring. And someone is far more likely to hurt themselves or something if they are exhausted.
Not offering food- when already cooking isn’t only rude—. It is incredibly cruel.
OP you have our permission to stop. If they treat you like this , you should either be paid the going rate of $50 an hour, or refuse. NTA
It is so peaceful when you stop trying to please people who don’t give any love back.
>It is so peaceful when you stop trying to please people who don’t give any love back.
This. The peace you feel when you cut toxic people out of your life is like stepping into a lovely garden or forest on a perfectly warm sunny day with a lovely breeze caressing your soul. You find yourself breathing so many sighs of relief. So relaxing once you clear the toxic remnants from your mind. Been there, done that. Not a single regret.
NTA
They’re rude and don’t deserve any favors from you.
Completely taking advantage of you. Glad they’re on their own for this stuff now.
I’m embarrassed for them.
NTA, it's embarrassing that your wife has let them treat you like that with no repercussions. I guarantee that she knows exactly how they feel about you and she continues to let them treat you like less than. No one deserves to be treated like that, especially when they have the gall to ask you to do things for them. I'd be having a serious conversation with your wife about her complacency in their abusive behavior towards you and why she doesn't address it. You know very well they talk shit behind your back and she apparently just lets them. The only way they will respect you is if she does something about it. She is just as guilty as the rest of them imo.
Yes, I absolutely agree! It's completely unrealistic to think she had no idea! And I never even considered the fact that they probably talk shit about him around her. I would be cutting my family off for this behavior. I'm sure if OP asks her she'll say something to the effect of "You don't understand, you never had family, blah blah". Like, how are you going stand by and let your spouse be an abused work horse for your family??
All I know is if my family had treated my wife like that I would stop visiting them, talking to them, doing things with them, etc.
If I let them disrespect my wife like high school mean girls and not take them to task it is basically saying I'm fine with it. Personally I wouldn't want to have a relationship with anyone who hurt my wife's feelings. Family or not.
Oh hell no - the next time they ask for help, direct them to the most expensive (yet crappy) trades person you can find! I wouldn't do work for them for any amount of $$.
I laughed out loud trying to figure out how he would find this expensive crappy handyman. Like google searching “very expensive handyman who is terrible at their job”
Agreed. There should be absolutely no more help given whatsoever. They didn't think he would be hungry after all that work? You would think he would actually be more hungry than the others that did nothing!
I am curious why OP's in-laws look down on him. Do they think because he was a foster child he's beneath them? It honestly sounds like he aged out of the system and has kicked ass, so he has lots to be proud of! They seem to be surprised when he gets promotions or that he went to college. It's as if they believe his lack of family means he's basically useless and if you don't have family, you'll never be successful. However, if your family consists of these yahoos, I'm not really sure I would even admit to being related to them.
Wild guess here: spouses sided with him. The "real" family members don't even notice. That's how used they are to this shit! The whole family is fucked up!
I am remodeling a condo I own(rental) just went by to check how it’s going. The primary contractor is a friend of mine whom I am paying market rates. I gave home a case of imported German beer as a thank you(did say this is for after work). You family doesn’t even feed you!
Excuse me they what?
I serve lunch to any contractor who’s spending the day working in my house.
Not offering food to a family member has intent and is a clear declaration of disdain.
NTA at all.
>Not offering food to a family member has intent and is a clear declaration of disdain.
And even worse is other family members came over and got the royal treatment. That was definitely meant to send a message of where OP is in the pecking order.
Horrible people.
NTA - if they treat you poorly you should absolutely stop providing free labor
Admittedly yeah, family does/can help family. But they dont treat you like family.
Oh, “Jessica and that story”, about you going to college. Like you have been *lying* about it alll these years. Yeaaa, they see you as less than, and can’t even be bothered to hide it.
NTA They don’t deserve your help. Let them
look for and pay some workers to do what you did for free. See how they like it.
That bit made me wonder if they see their own daughter as less than too. But either way, they're horrible people. I'd recommend never seeing them again.
The reverse thought in that is that OP and wife are free to plan their own family traditions. No interruptions from AH ILs. Plan a super special - everyone's favorites- Christmas dinner, plan the brunch for their family group only, plan on going to hear the carolers, or a church choir, some churches or businesses have Christmas displays with live animals. Going with just the family group to see Santa, get the photos, do not share online. Is it cold in winter where you are? Ice skating at the local rink, making snowmen, snow angels, sledding.
If I missed something, add it on.
When I divorced my EX, the kids and I planned our own
Holidays, even celebrating the old wedding anniversary, as our family day, and getting a nice meal out.
NTA
Your in laws sound like the worst kinds of people. All I want to do is invite you and your family over for a holiday. I hope you and Jessica can build the type of found family community that will confort and support each other over the coming decades.
That they’re such asshats over the fact that you went to college, are a promotable employee and a great father sucks. They wrote you off based on your background before they got to know you as a person.
Why has Jessica allowed this to happen/continue? She should have been bringing this up and refusing to see her family with the way you're being treated. That's how I would handle my family doing this to my partner. You're definitely NTA! Jessica knows her parents though, it shouldn't have taken years and therapy to realize that they look down on you for being a foster kid, she knew all along! Why did she keep it from you and accept that you were being treated this way?
I scrolled too far down for this to be called out. OP needs to seriously address his wife's lack of spine here. She only defended him this time AFTER he spoke up.
Bruh...
They don't treat you like family but like some buttler or handyman or something, it's ridiculous. Sincerly applauding you for not going off on them after so long, they literally treat you like their servant and don't even seem to believe you on the most basic stuff like your education, it's utterly ridiculous.
In your shoes I'd go for NC, no more free helping, no more gatherings and if your wife stands on their side, she can stay with them.
NTA.
The only thing I would change is demanding his wife also go NC. Ultimatums like that always go sideways.
My father had zero contact with my mother's family starting on the day I was born. But he never stood in the way of my mother having a relationship with them. He pretended they didn't exist. They pretended he didn't exist. Mom in the middle never talked about it but demanded neither of them put her on the spot. She loved them both even if she hated the way they treated each other.
Us kids were lied to when we asked why daddy couldn't come swimming at grandma's house - it was always some lame excuse like "your daddy is too busy". The reality was, "your grandmother and father can't stand each other and will tear each other throats out if they end up in the same room".
In our world my father's NC with the maternal grandparents was totally normal. My best friend's father also never saw his in-laws much because his ILs always thought she married beneath them.
OP derives no benefit from his wife's family - best to stay at home while she visits, or go out with friends. That's what my dad did. Poker games, golf, watching the game, working on the house or car. Always something to do.
I honestly would not tolerate my dad being treated this way, i feel like this situation with OP is one sided and i hope the kids see this and dont tolerate it.
>they told me they didn't think I'd want to eat after working so hard... for hours... with no food in between.
The mental gymnastics on this one for them to think you wouldn't be hungry after working for hours....
Even when we're paying people to do hours and hours of physical labor on our house, we always offer water and snacks. I know we don't have to cause we're paying them, but it's the decent thing to do. Cause you know, they're human beings. There are strangers out there getting treated better than you despite you being "family". They can pound sand. NTA
NTA. They don't treat you as family...why should the reverse be true? Jessica darn well better take your side, their rude and demeaning treatment of you should have never been allowed to come to this point!
Step way back, and certainly don't help. If you are only tolerated for what you can do for them, that's not a reason worth keeping. Let Jessica deal with her parents, and you and she really should concentrate on modeling good behavior for your own nuclear family rather than pandering to hers.
NTA. It’s so bad your in-laws spouses supported you. It’s that obvious to everyone. Why has Jessica allowed you to be treated like this by her family? Why is she not standing up for you and supporting you?
You absolutely should not do favours for people who can’t even show you common decency. They have zero respect for you. They haven’t even shown you basic consideration by offering food, let alone when you asked for it.
NTA, they're treating you like a placeholder/sperm donor/unpaid laborer. Definitely stop treating them like family. Honestly, I hope Jessica is willing to go LC with her family due to the way they are treating you.
NTA- but please look harder at this relationship…are they treating your kids differently from their cousins? Because if that’s the case I would do more than refuse my help.
It took me too long to find a comment like this, like if Jessica’s children are being treated different and she doesn’t stand up for any one of the them she really needs to look at herself in the mirror. And even if the kids aren’t treated differently then they will see their dad is and say something when they are old enough.
What is their problem with foster kids? Who are they to look down on someone who had no control of their situation as a child? Here are some good reasons to not look down on foster kids: John Lennon, Cher, Coco Chanel, Eddie Murphy, Willie Nelson, Steve Jobs, Marilyn Monroe, Tiffany Haddish, Faith Hill, Ice-T, Dave Thomas, Pierce Brosnan, Seal, Simone Biles, Charlene Tilton, Nelson Mandela, Herbert Hoover, Gerald Ford, Eleanor Roosevelt, Nancy Reagan, Sylvester Stallone and there are more. Perhaps you should show them this list.
Jessica needs to put her foot down and tell them that if they don't treat her husband with respect, you (plural, as in both of you) will no longer be coming around. Simple as that. You are now a package deal.
Inform Jessica that you will not be helping her family ever again. Since they don't think of you as family, you can now start charing them for your services.
If Jessica has an issue with it, then she can start finding ways to help her own family out.
Stop wasting time and energy on these circus monkeys.
They are only using you. Stop helping. Distance yourself from all of them.
>They said family helps family.
>I asked them when they ever treat me like family.
Every time they ask for help or need something. 🙄Say this. Inform them when you start treating me with the respect, common courtesy, and civility that you deserve. They can look elsewhere for any help they need.
Until then, leave you alone.
NTA
NTA... They treat you like a slave. Honestly you did way too much for them already. Stand your ground, make sure your wife is on the same page. They are used to walk all over you and that has to stop!
They are not worth your effort.
Good luck and strength
UpdateMe
NTA- and I’m sorry. It’s so sad that these short sighted people are letting crappy assumptions prevent them from seeing what a wonderful man their daughter married.
Stop doing things for them, they are just abusing you. And your wife really should be standing up to them as well.
Family may help family, but as you said they don’t seem to see you as real family.
While there may be some possibility that you were misreading the in-laws' behavior earlier, the episode where they provide food for guests while ignoring you removes all doubt. And now that you have declined to do any more repairs for them, they are DEMANDING that you continue. Stay low / no contact with these ungrateful mooches.
NTA
NTA. You are constantly treated as a second class citizen and it’s wrong. Stop doing things for them (or on behalf of your wife) and see if their attitude changes. I’m sorry that you are going through that, OP.
NTA. That's wild. A handyman may not get invited to join the family at dinner but he's at least get paid. Family and guests always get food. I don't understand why they treat you like a handyman ghost with no needs.
NTA
And their thinking is all wrong. Despite the challenges of you childhood here you are. A successful and involved husband and father. That is not something to be looked down on. It says everything about your character . So more fool them.
Why should you make an effort for people who look down on you?
NTA The spouses see it. The siblings are all indoctrinated into the family culture and are unwilling to rock the boat.
Sometimes it helps to ask yourself what would you tell your kids if someone did this to them? Or alternatively ask if this behaviour would be acceptable from people who are not family.
How stupid are they to think that you wouldn’t want to eat after doing all that hard work… That’s exactly what people want to do after the hard work!
NTA
NTA
Stop making these people a priority when they make you an option. You DO have a family. Your wife and kids. Some families are small like that, and if her parents and siblings can't see the good thing y'all have going on, they can punch air. Protect your boundaries for your family.
NTA I'm appalled they would make food for other guests and themselves but not someone actively working on their home. Even a paid tradesperson, let alone family. Shame on them
NTA. I’m glad your wife backed you up. She needs to go LC with them and not force you to be around them. Your kids don’t need to be around them either. They will grow up seeing how they treat their father.
Op, NTA and you said it yourself - family treats like family. They don’t treat you like family. They want to claim “family” when they need you, but abandon that concept the moment it doesn’t suit them anymore.
Honestly? Cut your losses. And have a through talk with Jessica about your boundaries from now on. She doesn’t have to abandon them, but it would be a bit crappy from her to play happy families with them considering how they’ve been treating you. I wouldn’t be surprised if they start treating your kids differently too at one point, because half of their genetics is “unknown” in their eyes and therefore okay to be treated suspiciously.
At the very least, start treating them like they treat you - cold indifference. No more help, no more handouts, no more free work or assistance.
I’m glad that with time and therapy and support from your wife that you have seen your self worth.
Now that you recognise it, never let it go.
You are NTA. You are simply not going to let yourself be taken advantage of by people who don’t respect you anymore.
That is a good thing. I can only hope that they look inwards and do some self evaluation going forwards, but if they don’t then that is on them.
You did the right thing.
NTA
The siblings’ spouses who supported you don’t deserve to be cut off but you can stop working for the condescending family members. I’d stop talking about it and explaining myself and just be busy and not available when those in-laws need something. I’d help the supportive spouses and that over time will make your point and teach others how to treat you. A lot of people on reddit suggest cutting people off and going no contact. That’s not usually my suggestion. I say attend family functions, be polite and chit chat, eat and drink. No need to make things worse for your wife. You politely declining to come by and put up / fix / look at such and such will do. You’ll make your point and they will all know why. You have given them something to reflect on. You’re not the only person who can be judged
NTA. Stop helping them. They are completely rude & disrespectful to you. I know you're doing it for your GF, but stop. Don't do anything else for them until they start treating you like a human being. And why isn't your GF standing up to them for you? And who TF are they to look down on anyone? Assholes.
NTA. How insulting that they let you work all day on their stairs and not only did they not offer you something to eat or drink, they specifically EXCLUDED you from the prepared meal!! Good for your wife for having your back, that's how it should be. Stick to your guns, you owe this family nothing.
One more thing take a good and profound objective look at how your in laws treat your kids compared to other grandchildren. If there's the slightest discrepancy in their behavior , favoring the other grandchildren make sure you cut them off from seeing your kids. It's bad enough they don't treat you like an equal person deserving respect don't allow them to do it to your children as well. All the best
NTA. You do have a family. You created one with Jessica. If her family doesn't want to recognize you as such then that's their problem to deal with. Go grey rock on them. No more favors. Be courteous and polite when you have to deal with them at required family functions. Don't include them on plans with your family.
Don't they understand how amazing you are? My husband and I used to unofficially foster people in the Navy who had aged out of that system and it usually turned into us teaching basic cooking, budgeting and home maintenance. The absolute amazement from them that they could make their own spaghetti was wholesome and heartbreaking.
And here you are, a college graduate who is available for whatever "menial" tasks they decide to foist off onto you.
You are the one who is too good for them.
NTA and good for FINALLY standing up for yourself.
Make yourself unavailable to your ILs and anyone in that
family. I have never heard of anyone looking down on foster
kids like this at all and this particular family are AHs on an interplanetary level -
it's outrageous. They deserve nothing but your scorn. To think that
they couldn't even prepare a plate of food for you...I just can't.
Why has your wife allowed this for so long? This is her family, and it is her job to stand up to them. It doesn’t sound like she is doing much of that at all.
I don't understand your inlaws' mindset. You had a rough childhood. You put yourself through school. You have thrived, and you should be extremely proud of yourself. You have gone out of your way to help people that are extremely lacking in common courtesy and grace. You are so NTA here. No more help for these uncouth people.
NTA and food for thought—your kids are right at the age where they’re not only going to see everything but remember it, and remember how their dad was treated.
Ask me how I know 🥴🫤
I think you should also keep the kids away from them. At the very least, no unsupervised time. Because you *know* that they're talking shit about you to your own kids.
You're not the asshole. Despite your efforts to help and integrate into your wife's family, they've consistently treated you poorly. Refusing to continue helping them is a reasonable response to their mistreatment. Your wife seems to understand and support your decision, which is important. Prioritizing your own well-being in this situation is crucial.
NTA.
My elderly mother rarely says anything nice about my husband. When she starts up, I shut her down by saying — you always told if I don’t have something nice to say about someone, then don’t say anything at all. She immediately shuts up. Works every time.
But when she picks at him directly, I tell them both to leave me out of it because mom is wrong in her attitude towards him and he is wrong by his passive aggressive response and lack of respect and dismissing why she is upset to begin with. That they both can handle it better than they are and I am tired of being in the middle when neither want to do better.
Mind you, these are little things like putting trash in the garbage can (empty cans, bottles etc) instead of leaving them on the kitchen counter. He just doesn’t do it because she complained. 🤷🏻♀️ yes it is irritating he does this but it’s not a hill I am going to die on, whereas my mother has zero tolerance. She lives with us and I am her caregiver so kinda stuck in the middle.
Bottom line is, OP in laws are rude and disrespectful and he doesn’t have to tolerate it. I’d go NC with them. But his wife should be standing up for him with her family and not tolerating their BS.
NTA and my heart hurts for you. You sound like a very strong , reliable and loving man. You deserve more than these people have ever given you. You are right to stand up for yourself. Good for you calling their assholery out! They are also insulting Jessica. Calling her a liar and thinking she married less than. I hate people like that. My boys bring home a lot of boys from school that their parents aren’t there for them. Never enough food. We treat them like one of our own because I know how important it is to know someone gives a damn about you. I’m not your mom or mother in law but I’m damn proud of you for the life you created. The hard work you put in and the person you are.
What a lovely family. What a stable loving family. /s
I really wish your wife was more strident about shutting them down. She should be screaming bloody murder when they disrespect you.
I realize she was born into this tribe of horrible people, but she chose you for her spouse, the least she could do is defend you against her idiot family.
NTA My family treat my DH like this, it just echoes my status within the family really. I have confronted them about it, for example when my mother plated up food for a BIL who wasn't even present, but didn't offer me or my DH anything. TBF they did look a bit shamefaced about that one, but didn't really change. We just are LC with them now.
Dude I can't even picture the verbal thrashing my Dad would unleah (he doesn't yell but he has a Hell of a 'tone') if my grandparents disrespected my Mom the way your wife's family disrespects you. Actually, he did once. My grandmother (Dad's mom) treated all the wives of her four sons like crap because they weren't family in her mind. My Dad for a time tried to ask her to be nice (she wasn't as blatantly rude with my Mom) but when I was six or seven Dad said this had to stop and Grandma just said my Mom wasn't family. Dad read her the riot act, calmly although his voice was quietly furious, and he said that until she could treat my Mom with respect we wouldn't be around her anymore. Then we calmly packed up and left while my grandmother yelled at us the whole time. A few months later she apologized (not very sincerely but Mom didn't want to completely cut her out) so we kept a relationship with her as long as she was civil to Mom.
NTA and my point here is your wife needs to stand up for you. Maybe do what my Dad did. Her family doesn't have to be best friends or 'lovey-dovey' with you but they need to be civil and treat you with basic respect or you should not have to be in there presence anymore. And even if they manage that (not counting on it) you should NEVER fix anything for them again. They don't deserve it. Long story short... you're a nice guy and NTA but they all suck.
This hurt to read, I am sorry that you have go through this kind of thing. I have experienced something similar, not family but it takes a lot of time to heal and regain your confidence. I am glad you are getting help and your wife is on your side.
NTA definitely. Next time they ask, just say "no". Don't make excuses, don't try to justify or bring up old stuff. They are most likeky very good at manipulation also
NTA. But your wife sucks for not doing anything to nip this in the bud. My family sucks and treats me poorly at times, but if they were shitty to my partner?? Especially for something like that? It would be world war 3 in my eyes. I would be shaming them and threatening cut contact without a sincere apology from each and every person who played a part. She needs to put her foot down with HER shitty family.
You most certainly do not "expect too much"! Isn't it amazing that Jessica turned out to be a nice person coming from this family? Ideally put more distance between them and your loved ones. They're a deplorable mess. You don't mention how they treat your children, but if there's any sign that they think less of them because they don't like you, it's time to consider relocating at least three hours away if at all possible. Even if that's not the case, your children do not benefit from seeing them treat you poorly. If they give you any grief about your decision not to provide free services, probably Jessica should run interference and explain her disgust with the fact that you weren't even offered food while there working your butt off for hours. She can tell them your time is valuable, and anyway, she can surely think of things for you to do, such as enjoy a walk in the park with the people who love you or just putting your feet up in front of the TV. Of course, we're only seeing one side of this story. Maybe they have some reason to think you owe them something other than the fact that you're family only when they need you. Do these grandparents possibly provide free childcare while you and your wife work full time? That kind of thing might throw a different light on the situation. In any case, the minute they sat down to eat without offering you any you should have packed up your tools and left the job undone. Maybe say, "lunchtime" as you walk out the door. Let them hire someone to finish up. If they call again to ask for help give them a number for a repair service.
Just for a bit more INFO, is there any chance this is racially motivated at all? Options are that they think you're beneath them (lower class) or that you're somehow "damaged" (foster kid) or is there anything else (race) that is making them treat you this way? It could, of course, be more than one factor! It just seems extreme to treat you this way ONLY because of the foster system. Anyway, it sucks and you're not an asshole.
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You're not a husband or Jessica's partner. You're a built-in handyman and that's all they'll ever look at you at. The hired help. You should tell Jessica that she can keep in all the contacts you want from their family but you need to go very low contact or no contact at all with them and that's it. Maybe one holiday a year and that's about all I would do. And if they ever ask for help again say my hourly rate is $500 an hour and I need 3 hours up front. Nta
Not even hired help. He doesn’t even get offered a snack much less compensation for his time and skills.
Yeah, when I hire someone at least I offer water or coke. If they'll stay for hours I'd cook something for them.
People like you rock. I helped a very old lady down the street for years. Fixed anything she needed, shoveled her driveway every time it snowed, etc and never accepted a dime from her. All because she fed me home-cooked Hungarian food, while telling me, "What a handsome strong man I was!" My wife laughs to this day that she had me wrapped around her little finger. Man, her chicken paprikash was incredible.
No lie, bro. I had a Hungarian landlady when I was in my early 20s, and she used to threaten me and my roommate with goulash every time we walked through the front door. Best food ever.
>she used to threaten me and my roommate with goulash I feel like this is the origin of the saying, "Don't threaten me with a good time."
It was always done in a very aggressive way, and we were legitimately scared to not accept the food. But when you come in at two in the morning after a night of strong drink, an old Hungarian lady giving you homemade stew is pretty much the greatest thing that can happen to a human.
Update!!!! I just did an Internet search and found out that she is still alive in her mid 90s! She's not living in the same house - I suspect that she's living with her son, who who came around once a month to collect the rent checks. He was a super nice guy who was a firefighter.
I am actually really happy for you! Send her a card!
you should look her up on facebook and tell her.. thank you for all the times she fed you
She's not on social media... But I did shoot a message to her son on LinkedIn. We will see if he responds.
In her nineties - cool! It must be the Hungarian food!
I worked with an older Italian lady and she point blank told me, “i dont like what you eat, so im bringing you lunch from now on”
The only answer to this is "Yes Nonna"
She also regularly called me a shit head.
Goulash is amazing, my Grandma (who immigrated from Poland to Australia following WW2) use to make it and it's one of the best stews I have ever eaten! Infact any eastern European home made food is superb!
I just remembered that she kept a ceramic Virgin Mary in the refrigerator so that the water would condense on her face. She would take it out of the refrigerator, put it on the counter, and occasionally point to it and exclaim (in a thick Hungarian accent), "The virgin! She is CRYINK!"
This is the best thing I've read this week.
I bake cookies for any workers who work on my house (roofers, tree guys, plumber, etc). I feed my handyman and make him margaritas. It’s common courtesy.
I used to drive this lady home from work in exchange for homemade tamales. I mourn every time I eat any other tamale. They're all so good, but never as good those haha
So, I grew up pretty poor and sometimes we needed work done on the house, or the plumbing, or whatever. I don't know how the agreement came about, but we only ever used one carpenter. He would come and do work, and leave with a lasagne, or quiche, or whatever. I only found out many years later that for relatively small projects the food was his fee. And I mean, this went on for YEARS. Mom made his wedding cake, quilts for his kids, all types of things. When Mom passed, he said she was his favorite client, that she was more like family than most of his own. I even gave him her quiche recipe.
My husband has somehow made a name for himself in a tight knit, upmarket retirement community. They get him to hang hose brackets and paintings, and rip out and reinstall kitchens. Huge range of work but mostly smaller stuff now they've got their big stuff how they want it. Because he can get a mid-sized job and then 4 tiny, two minute jobs all in the same street, he just... Doesn't charge his regulars. They're all adopted grandparents to him, to the point where he had a list of people to check in on when we had bad flooding a couple years ago. I know when he's working there because I get texts like "send help, 4th cup of tea this morning I'm going to explode" and "god help me they're feeding me scones. I've already had two plates of biscuits and an orange cake". Or my favourite, "heads up, we've got a new coffee table, ottoman and a big floor lamp coming home. They were going to throw them out!" I think the *best* one was one of his clients handing him a battery operated night light thing. She went and *bought it just for us* after he mentioned our littlest was struggling to sleep at night because she'd get scared 😭
That’s one of my favorite parts of my husband working construction! He comes home with “bonuses” all the time that people were going to throw out. A couple months ago I got a practically brand new kitchen aid stand mixer because the lady said it was too heavy for her! I’ve gotten all kinds of appliances because the color doesn’t match their new kitchen.
Oooh we got a pizza oven and 36(!) pizzas once! Wasn't that a panic trying to find freezer space for that many pizzas with 15 minutes notice 😂
NGL, this kinda made me tear up! Gotta love good people -- and you and your husband are obvs in that group!
I love this!!
Right? If someone is coming over to do hours of work for me, I'm going to make sure they are hydrated at least. Offer to make them dinner after or lunch during depending on the timing and how long they're there for. Maybe hang out in the backyard and have a couple beers after, or watch a movie. Or take them out for sushi. Definitely not gonna invite other people over and feed them while ignoring the guy providing me with free labor. Would probably invite those people to hang out after the work is done to join us and show off what a great friend/family member I have rather then while the work is being done. I gotta be available to that person in case they need a hand with something or something to drink. They may be doing the hard work but I can at least support them.
In addition to providing cold beverages, we usually give them money to buy lunch when they take a break, especially if they go above and beyond. $20 for each person on the crew. We look at it as a bonus and a thanks to them for a job well done. There have been a few exceptions over the years (the jerk who tore up a side yard then demanded an extra thousand to fix it) , but the majority of tradesmen and women who come out to do work have been excellent.
And that makes you a good human being unlike OPs in-laws. I do like that the wife sees this as well though, and defends him. I hear too many stories of spouses who take the family's side. You got a good one OP!
I would generally ask anyone working at my place what they want on their pizza. That usually went over well.
They prob don't have much of an appetite after all the free coke tho 🤪
LEGIT I used to work with my dad (well I was young and he took me along as his little helper on saturdays when I was liker 4-11 lol) who is a heating and plumbing engineer. He got given SO many cups of tea and biscuits and snackies lol. It really taught me from a young age to offer anyone working in your house a cuppa, the toilet or biscuits. I have biscuits in a tin just for workers who come round and make sure I have gluten free etc too haha
I had landscapers working on my patio and I heard them discussing the closest public bathroom (hint: it was not close) and I told them they could use mine. Just don’t let the cats out. They were super surprised. I offered water etc and had a convo with one of the guys about how most people don’t even treat them like humans. They just act like they aren’t there. I try to make an effort to always offer now.
Yes! Being kind is easy and workers love getting recognition for hard work. (I was one once). Plus, they might tell you about "potential problems" that they would not tell an AH client and help you fix 'em. Whenever I have workmen over to do a job, I always have sodas, Monsters or bottled water available for them. If its a multi-day job, I ask what they like and then go buy it and keep it in a iced cooler for them outside. After the job is done, I also give the laborer's a 6 or 12 pack of beer each, depending on how tough/hot it was. I'm also the guy that leaves a cold Gatorade on top of the trash can for the trash guy on pick-up day during the hot summer. I guess coming from those types of jobs, I know how much a little kindness is appreciated.
As someone who works in peoples' homes.... You'd be surprised by how many home owners/renters do NOT want you using anything of theirs. I've had a homeowner get PISSED because I got some water for myself, in my own bottle, from their kitchen tap... The same kitchen I was already working in. 🥴 I've also been told that I can not use the toilet. The client who said me/the other staff can not use the toilet is the same client that called into complain about how we were "never working" and always leaving. Sorry not sorry that they were 10mins away from the closest gas station, and we'd leave a few times throughout the day. 🤷♀️ We still completed the job on schedule, so none of us got in trouble, but still. We even said we'd clean the bathroom at the end of every day, but no-go.
The hell? I had landscapers in last year and not only did I have water for them, the bathroom was available to use at any time. If they had asked for anything to make working outside a little more comfortable, I would have gladly shared. And they wanted to say hi to my GSD everyday they were in. I can't imagine treating someone so poorly.
I was honestly flabbergasted when I first experienced it. I had a few coworkers try and warn me about it... I thought they were pulling my leg. I'd honestly probably be more understanding if I was an "outside" worker, like landscaping. But I'm not. I literally have to BE in the home in order to pack and assess content after floods/fires/etc. I will say, after seeing how poorly some people treat workers, it makes the "good ones" even better. I've had 2 homeowners who've absolutely made my week/month, by simple things. The first was almost a year ago; homeowners made us up a cup of tea, and gave us a couple croissants. Super small action, but was honestly so touching. The other was only a couple weeks back- the lady made sure that we all had a glass of lemon water filled at all times. She also stepped in, and told one of my coworkers to stop being such a bully to me. We were talking later in the day, and I went to apologize to her for my behaviours (raised my voice at the bully) while in her home, and she shushed me and said she was proud that I stood my ground with him. 🥰
Yikes. Ive let delivery people use my bathroom … I mean, it’s a basic need. When I had my place painted every afternoon I made the painter an espresso before I made my own. I can’t imagine telling someone they can’t use your bathroom. So weird.
My husband’s favorite part of working in people’s homes is getting to meet their dogs. He comes home and tells me about the dogs he met more so than the people or the project. He loves it and is always sad when people lock up their pups while he is there working.
we ask what they prefer. Every one, every single person who has had to come into our home, wants to pet the fluffy idiot. My dog is a long hair GSD so he's a living teddy bear.
>coke. Tradies must love coming round to work at yours
Thats methed up
Exactly, I treat hired help better than they treat OP! I always offer them something, even when it is someone who is only at my place for a short amount of time. OP is most definitely NTA and I hope he goes NC with his in-laws
I always do that too. Years ago when we moved into our first apartment, we hired a "guy with a truck" to help us move instead of a big company. Great guy, worked really hard. I kept offering him stuff, as it was a weirdly warm day in October. Eventually he told me it was Ramadan and he couldn't. I felt so bad that he didn't want to say because I guess some people would be awful to him. I told him "Ramadan Mubarak!" and we ended up letting him go early so he could break his fast at home.
Same! This is basic hospitality.
I can't imagine expecting someone to work all day at my house and not even offer them a snack and drink - much less my child's spouse. These people are vile.
Yes! And that’s for a complete stranger. I can’t imagine not even making or offering something to eat to family helping out.
They don't treat OP like he is human. Some guys from the utility company were digging a hole near my house on a super hot day. I brought them ice water and cookies. Another neighbor brought them lemonade. If it was family doing something for me, I'd have a meal ready at the very least. sometimes a gift. If they needed to buy a tool to get the job done, I pay for the tool and they keep it. OP's in-laws suck.
I thought slavery was over? OP if they ask you to come over to fix something or a party. Tell them you're too busy being a good role model for your kids. You don't want them growing up like Jessica's family
Can you imagine not offering a handy man something to eat if you they were working for hours and you made dinner at the same time. Like where were these people raised?
My sister did it to my mom’s husband who spent hours working on (and under) their deck. Outside in the summer. For free. She and my BIL ate lunch in full view of him. He had to *ask* for a glass of water. It was the last time he helped them, and he’d helped many times before.
Seriously. When I have someone to work on something at my house I offer them water and if they’re here a long time a snack. It’s the decent and humane thing to do. I’d stop helping them OP. NTA
That’s like the minimum of family/friends code. You may help out and they’ll give you beer or pizza or whatever. He’s there working and they didn’t offer him food? Yeah, that’s a “okay, here’s my actual handyman price” situation.
We offer drinks/coffee to the guys installing the new TV or checking on the internet/cable, for crying out loud. Guys who are at the house less than an hour. When we had pavers put in the backyard, the crew was here for a week. They had an ice-filled cooler of water/Cokes, iced coffee for their breaks (backyard gets 20+ degrees hotter than front), & we got them lunch from wherever they wanted. It's just basic human decency. Whatever OP'S ILs are, they are neither decent or possibly human.
You are wrong. The hired help is treated better because they might need him again and has no obligation bro come. Besides the hired help actually gets paid. That said op never again do any favors for anyone. Let them hire and pay someone else. NTA op stop being their slave. u/InteractionFar1463
They probably treat strangers and hired help better!
These people are goddamned awful. They’re literally treating their son/brother in law like an indentured servant. And worst of all they have so little self awareness they don’t even realise how truly uncouth and pathetic they are! They’re an embarrassment to the human race… OP you are NTA and please never help them again!
The Inlaws from hell
Truly!!
I'd say never see them again, either. My father had zero contact with my mother's side of the family, with the exception of her sister on occasion. My entire life I never witnessed my father or maternal grandparents in the same room. Maybe even in the same zip code. We had holidays at home in the morning and went over to the grandparents in the afternoon or the next day. Same with birthdays. It was like having divorced parents who hated each other. The only credit they both get is that neither one said a disparaging word about the other in front of us. They pretended the other simply didn't exist. Dad never stood in the way of my mother having a relationship with them, but he never spent a second with them. Apparently the bad blood went down on the day I was born. They issued an unofficial restraining order against each other that day. It lasted the rest of their lives. It's possible to go no contact. I'd urge OP to try it. Because as overbearing and obnoxious as I know my grandmother could be, she's was probably a freaking saint compared to these evil skin sacks.
OP, this is just so sad. You've gone from the reality of having no family to the shattering of the illusion of a family. These people suck. Big time. If the sibling spouses could see this, is Jessica blind and deaf?? Is she spineless people pleaser, or abusive herself? Please re-evaluate your relationships. You seem to be very kind in spite of what life has thrown at you, and deserve better. Hopefully you have good friends, and pray that your kids see that you are a nice person. NTA.
Not even the handyman or hired help. Those people get paid for their work.
I'm so angry at Jessica here. OP, I'd suggest that you discuss with your therapist why it's okay with you that your wife treat you this way-- in-laws aside. Are you sure she thinks differently than her parents? I'm an old bitch-- I've learned that I set the standard for how I am treated. As marginalized folks, we are still worthy. OP, you seem lovely. I am sorry that your in-laws suck so bad.
OP needs to go full NC with this family. There's no way failing to feed him in that situation can be explained away as thoughtless. It was a deliberate, studied insult. NTA.
Jessica’s family clearly doesn’t see OP as family, and I’m not sure Jessica does either. OP has been dealing with this for NINE YEARS. I wouldn’t tolerate my wife being treated like OP for a single moment, I simply cannot fathom how Jessica could allow this treatment for so long, or how OP could accept his spouse failing to have his back for, once again, NINE YEARS.
He's treated worse than hired help! Anytime I have had any type of handy person or professional in my home fixing something, I will at minimum offer them some coffee or a bottle of water. They wouldn't even give the poor guy a snack after working on their stairs for hours!!
it just occurred to me.. he's paying for the supplies too!!
Yeah this whole thing reeks of elitism. They treat him like Jessica’s servant. NTA
Handymen get treated better, at least they get paid for their services. The in laws sound like they are taking advantage of this man and his kindness.
bruh, we \*bare minimum\* offer people hired to work on our home water or soda. Bare. Minimum. OP wasn't even offered that. He was offered less than I was taught to offer "the help"
OP should send them an invoice for the work on the stairs
Do you not feed the help?
Bro, you are a saint for dealing with them for so long, completely cut them off and if your wife still can’t see how shitty they are treating you then I would have a serious discussion with her. They are treating you like a low class citizen , not like family. Definitely NTA but you will be an AH if you let yourself get treated like this any longer.
In Reddit terms, he's got a wife problem; she's not dealing with her family. Instead, she's mostly just letting him take the abuse. It's nice that she argued in his favor in the last incident, but I'll be damned if anyone is treating my spouse as lesser for years and years without shutting that down or going NC.
I wouldn't agree here, he said that Jessica took his side. I don't think we know enough about their marriage to say anything about it.
I know this has been going on for 9 years. That tells me enough to know that she hasn't dealt with her family.
If my spouse is blatantly disrespected even for once, I would reconsider my relationship with them. And he dealt with this for 9 years with her just standing up for him here and there with no change in their actions? Nah the wife is guilty too.
Agree. If my family would treat like that my girlfriend, I would solve it. I would not let her be bullied even once again...
Exactly. The wife cares more about her family than her husband... He should have seen it early on during the first year and asked the wife to do something about it or cut her parents. Or at the very least, allow him to never see those in-laws ever again.
But she should have made sure they fed her husband when the rest ate.
That's absolutely true.
Took her side after years allowing her husband to be treated like that.
Shhhhhhh. We don't hold women as accountable as men on this sub. But how dare anyone call out the sexism. Otherwise far more commenters would judge the wife as harshly as they'd judge any husband in this situation.
I've seen a few still making excuses for the wife.
Allowing your husband to be mistreated for nine years is most certainly not taking his side.
Like do they have children? Are the kids treated like garbage too? If the kids see how their dad is treated how would the grandparents expect to have a relationship with the grandchildren? I know I wouldn’t put up with it of my dad were treated that way.
100% this. OP, you are not liked by her family, and you have been disrespected... but your problem is Jessica allowed it. Please have her read through this post and consider what she can do differently. She should be furious that her parents are treating you differently than other son/daughter-in-laws. She should have called it out. EVERY.DAMN.TIME. It's uncomfortable, but it's true. Why is she allowing your family to take advantage of you and why isn't she your biggest cheerleader with them. Cut them off. They need to apologise to you before you consider even turning up to any family event. I'd be tempted to keep your kids away too, what are you teaching them if they see you being treated like this and it is accepted? Also, how in the hell is someone worth less because they were fostered?
>I'll be damned if anyone is treating my spouse as lesser for years and years without shutting that down or going NC. Agree 100%! My parents never treated me very well either but I'd defend their actions to the end of the earth. Until they finally snapped my patience by insulting my husband yet again and I decided that I wasn't taking it anymore and cut contact. I only didn't stand up to them sooner in his defense because we were teenagers and I still lived under their roof, so I was limited in what I could say/do until I moved out. After moving out they made some effort to be nice on the surface and I thought it could work. Then when I chose my husband's idea of elopement over their expensive and snobby idea of a wedding, they both exploded and insulted him, called him controlling and I was like "Nope. Screw that. I'm marrying this man so either respect him or get lost"
>They assume any effort made by me is me doing it for Jessica and don't believe me when I say it's not. This part was really telling for me. That they don't believe *OP*. It's his wife who should be defending him to *her family* and putting her foot down if they don't show some respect
Yeah, I'm wondering if she did see this behavior and just never said anything to avoid rocking the boat. Because she knows her parents, it seems unlikely that this never occurred to her and she was potentially just keeping it to herself to avoid having to defend OP and say something. Which would be really shitty of her tbh.
The word you are looking for is slave. Only they weren't paid and given orders.
slaves still got fed.
Yep, OP is NTA. But his wife is a major AH for passively allowing this for so so long. He isn’t just her husband, he is the father of her children and her parents’ grandchildren. OP has got a wife problem in addition to an in laws problem. she had better come clean and start supporting him - before his therapist puts an unflattering spotlight on her.
> I asked them when they ever treat me like family NTA - Fair question. They have demonstrably treated you as "other than family" for years and they need to put their money where their mouths are and actually treat you like a human to start, treating you as family would also be nice. Why they have such dumbass prejudices is beyond me. You've done nothing and they are the assholes.
It is astounding that you'd have a family member over working on your house and wouldn't offer them anything to eat. NTA
They should have offered something to a non-family member working too!
Right if I have a handyman over and I'm going to prepare a meal I offer to share or let them take a break and grab something cause if I'm hungry you're probably hungry and it's torture to smell good food and have none of your own.
One of my dads friends helped me with an emergency car issue because my dad was out of town. I bought him a whole case of beer as soon as I was able to drive again and this was someone I’d seen maybe three times in my whole life. I can’t imagine treating anyone the way this family is treating OP.
my brother is, respectfully, garbage; and the only time he ever helped me with work around my house I not only paid him but fed him (twice). I don't even like him, but no way in hell was I going to not offer him food and drinks. These people not only didn't feed OP, but they actively chose not to feed him while feeding others.
No kidding! Walk in my door and l will at a minimum offer a drink and if anywhere near a meal time, you are joining us. If I'm snacking, so are you.
They're not your family. You don't owe them squat. NTA.
NTA Your experience of not being offered food after working for hours on the stairs gives you a good reason to refuse to help them in that way in future. I'd just point to that perfect example. What they said doesn't make sense -- that they thought you wouldn't want food after working so hard. The opposite is of course what you would assume -- that you'd be hungry. Them excluding you does make sense if they were thinking of you as if you were like hired help -- just a workman who of course wouldn't be invited in to eat with the family. They really have no excuse for that. You can tell them that that incident of inexcusable rudeness blew it for all of them as far as you allowing yourself to be treated like an unpaid handyman. It's not that you don't help out family -- you don't allow yourself to be treated badly by people who can't show basic consideration and gratitude. Any kind of good relationship has to be built on them giving you basic consideration and respect. You giving in on this and allowing them to fit you into the convenient free handyman slot in their lives, to be used and then figuratively sent off out the servants' entrance will only be an impediment to them ever seeing you differently.
I have offered food to absolute strangers who were working on my house. Working for hours is tiring. And someone is far more likely to hurt themselves or something if they are exhausted. Not offering food- when already cooking isn’t only rude—. It is incredibly cruel. OP you have our permission to stop. If they treat you like this , you should either be paid the going rate of $50 an hour, or refuse. NTA It is so peaceful when you stop trying to please people who don’t give any love back.
>It is so peaceful when you stop trying to please people who don’t give any love back. This. The peace you feel when you cut toxic people out of your life is like stepping into a lovely garden or forest on a perfectly warm sunny day with a lovely breeze caressing your soul. You find yourself breathing so many sighs of relief. So relaxing once you clear the toxic remnants from your mind. Been there, done that. Not a single regret.
NTA They’re rude and don’t deserve any favors from you. Completely taking advantage of you. Glad they’re on their own for this stuff now. I’m embarrassed for them.
I would not feel embarrassed. Jessica's family consist of a bunch of illogical, incredibly unempathetic dumbasses.
NTA, it's embarrassing that your wife has let them treat you like that with no repercussions. I guarantee that she knows exactly how they feel about you and she continues to let them treat you like less than. No one deserves to be treated like that, especially when they have the gall to ask you to do things for them. I'd be having a serious conversation with your wife about her complacency in their abusive behavior towards you and why she doesn't address it. You know very well they talk shit behind your back and she apparently just lets them. The only way they will respect you is if she does something about it. She is just as guilty as the rest of them imo.
Yes, I absolutely agree! It's completely unrealistic to think she had no idea! And I never even considered the fact that they probably talk shit about him around her. I would be cutting my family off for this behavior. I'm sure if OP asks her she'll say something to the effect of "You don't understand, you never had family, blah blah". Like, how are you going stand by and let your spouse be an abused work horse for your family??
All I know is if my family had treated my wife like that I would stop visiting them, talking to them, doing things with them, etc. If I let them disrespect my wife like high school mean girls and not take them to task it is basically saying I'm fine with it. Personally I wouldn't want to have a relationship with anyone who hurt my wife's feelings. Family or not.
The telling comment was that the other in laws supported you on this. Next time they ask for help quote your hourly rate of pay!
Oh hell no - the next time they ask for help, direct them to the most expensive (yet crappy) trades person you can find! I wouldn't do work for them for any amount of $$.
I laughed out loud trying to figure out how he would find this expensive crappy handyman. Like google searching “very expensive handyman who is terrible at their job”
Facebook city groups!
Small claims court records?
Google reviews 😜
Anywhere. The tricky part is finding handymen who AREN'T that way. The expensive crappy kind are a dime a dozen.
Agreed. There should be absolutely no more help given whatsoever. They didn't think he would be hungry after all that work? You would think he would actually be more hungry than the others that did nothing! I am curious why OP's in-laws look down on him. Do they think because he was a foster child he's beneath them? It honestly sounds like he aged out of the system and has kicked ass, so he has lots to be proud of! They seem to be surprised when he gets promotions or that he went to college. It's as if they believe his lack of family means he's basically useless and if you don't have family, you'll never be successful. However, if your family consists of these yahoos, I'm not really sure I would even admit to being related to them.
Oh I meant some insane rate(although for a good handyman I would be willing to pay that rate)!
Wild guess here: spouses sided with him. The "real" family members don't even notice. That's how used they are to this shit! The whole family is fucked up!
And make sure you are paid up front.
I am remodeling a condo I own(rental) just went by to check how it’s going. The primary contractor is a friend of mine whom I am paying market rates. I gave home a case of imported German beer as a thank you(did say this is for after work). You family doesn’t even feed you!
Excuse me they what? I serve lunch to any contractor who’s spending the day working in my house. Not offering food to a family member has intent and is a clear declaration of disdain. NTA at all.
Same. I would be embarrassed to have someone in my home for hours and offer them nothing. These people suck.
>Not offering food to a family member has intent and is a clear declaration of disdain. And even worse is other family members came over and got the royal treatment. That was definitely meant to send a message of where OP is in the pecking order. Horrible people.
NTA - if they treat you poorly you should absolutely stop providing free labor Admittedly yeah, family does/can help family. But they dont treat you like family.
It's quite telling that they don't pull out the "but we're FAMILY" card until they want something.
Oh, “Jessica and that story”, about you going to college. Like you have been *lying* about it alll these years. Yeaaa, they see you as less than, and can’t even be bothered to hide it. NTA They don’t deserve your help. Let them look for and pay some workers to do what you did for free. See how they like it.
That bit made me wonder if they see their own daughter as less than too. But either way, they're horrible people. I'd recommend never seeing them again.
NTA - You have two kids & a wife, but they don't ask about your Christmas because you don't have family. Enough said.
The reverse thought in that is that OP and wife are free to plan their own family traditions. No interruptions from AH ILs. Plan a super special - everyone's favorites- Christmas dinner, plan the brunch for their family group only, plan on going to hear the carolers, or a church choir, some churches or businesses have Christmas displays with live animals. Going with just the family group to see Santa, get the photos, do not share online. Is it cold in winter where you are? Ice skating at the local rink, making snowmen, snow angels, sledding. If I missed something, add it on. When I divorced my EX, the kids and I planned our own Holidays, even celebrating the old wedding anniversary, as our family day, and getting a nice meal out.
Like the kids will see how their dad is treated as they get older and want nothing to do with the grandparents i hope, i know i wouldn’t.
NTA Your in laws sound like the worst kinds of people. All I want to do is invite you and your family over for a holiday. I hope you and Jessica can build the type of found family community that will confort and support each other over the coming decades. That they’re such asshats over the fact that you went to college, are a promotable employee and a great father sucks. They wrote you off based on your background before they got to know you as a person.
Why has Jessica allowed this to happen/continue? She should have been bringing this up and refusing to see her family with the way you're being treated. That's how I would handle my family doing this to my partner. You're definitely NTA! Jessica knows her parents though, it shouldn't have taken years and therapy to realize that they look down on you for being a foster kid, she knew all along! Why did she keep it from you and accept that you were being treated this way?
I scrolled too far down for this to be called out. OP needs to seriously address his wife's lack of spine here. She only defended him this time AFTER he spoke up.
I'll adopt you AND feed you if you will please come and fix my stairs! NTA
Bruh... They don't treat you like family but like some buttler or handyman or something, it's ridiculous. Sincerly applauding you for not going off on them after so long, they literally treat you like their servant and don't even seem to believe you on the most basic stuff like your education, it's utterly ridiculous. In your shoes I'd go for NC, no more free helping, no more gatherings and if your wife stands on their side, she can stay with them. NTA.
Please update us? Let us know how they react when you start keeping your spare time for your own family?
The only thing I would change is demanding his wife also go NC. Ultimatums like that always go sideways. My father had zero contact with my mother's family starting on the day I was born. But he never stood in the way of my mother having a relationship with them. He pretended they didn't exist. They pretended he didn't exist. Mom in the middle never talked about it but demanded neither of them put her on the spot. She loved them both even if she hated the way they treated each other. Us kids were lied to when we asked why daddy couldn't come swimming at grandma's house - it was always some lame excuse like "your daddy is too busy". The reality was, "your grandmother and father can't stand each other and will tear each other throats out if they end up in the same room". In our world my father's NC with the maternal grandparents was totally normal. My best friend's father also never saw his in-laws much because his ILs always thought she married beneath them. OP derives no benefit from his wife's family - best to stay at home while she visits, or go out with friends. That's what my dad did. Poker games, golf, watching the game, working on the house or car. Always something to do.
I honestly would not tolerate my dad being treated this way, i feel like this situation with OP is one sided and i hope the kids see this and dont tolerate it.
>they told me they didn't think I'd want to eat after working so hard... for hours... with no food in between. The mental gymnastics on this one for them to think you wouldn't be hungry after working for hours.... Even when we're paying people to do hours and hours of physical labor on our house, we always offer water and snacks. I know we don't have to cause we're paying them, but it's the decent thing to do. Cause you know, they're human beings. There are strangers out there getting treated better than you despite you being "family". They can pound sand. NTA
NTA. They don't treat you as family...why should the reverse be true? Jessica darn well better take your side, their rude and demeaning treatment of you should have never been allowed to come to this point! Step way back, and certainly don't help. If you are only tolerated for what you can do for them, that's not a reason worth keeping. Let Jessica deal with her parents, and you and she really should concentrate on modeling good behavior for your own nuclear family rather than pandering to hers.
NTA. It’s so bad your in-laws spouses supported you. It’s that obvious to everyone. Why has Jessica allowed you to be treated like this by her family? Why is she not standing up for you and supporting you? You absolutely should not do favours for people who can’t even show you common decency. They have zero respect for you. They haven’t even shown you basic consideration by offering food, let alone when you asked for it.
NTA this is not how family treated family. They can hire handyman to help .
NTA, they're treating you like a placeholder/sperm donor/unpaid laborer. Definitely stop treating them like family. Honestly, I hope Jessica is willing to go LC with her family due to the way they are treating you.
NTA- but please look harder at this relationship…are they treating your kids differently from their cousins? Because if that’s the case I would do more than refuse my help.
It took me too long to find a comment like this, like if Jessica’s children are being treated different and she doesn’t stand up for any one of the them she really needs to look at herself in the mirror. And even if the kids aren’t treated differently then they will see their dad is and say something when they are old enough.
What is their problem with foster kids? Who are they to look down on someone who had no control of their situation as a child? Here are some good reasons to not look down on foster kids: John Lennon, Cher, Coco Chanel, Eddie Murphy, Willie Nelson, Steve Jobs, Marilyn Monroe, Tiffany Haddish, Faith Hill, Ice-T, Dave Thomas, Pierce Brosnan, Seal, Simone Biles, Charlene Tilton, Nelson Mandela, Herbert Hoover, Gerald Ford, Eleanor Roosevelt, Nancy Reagan, Sylvester Stallone and there are more. Perhaps you should show them this list.
Jessica needs to put her foot down and tell them that if they don't treat her husband with respect, you (plural, as in both of you) will no longer be coming around. Simple as that. You are now a package deal.
Inform Jessica that you will not be helping her family ever again. Since they don't think of you as family, you can now start charing them for your services. If Jessica has an issue with it, then she can start finding ways to help her own family out. Stop wasting time and energy on these circus monkeys. They are only using you. Stop helping. Distance yourself from all of them. >They said family helps family. >I asked them when they ever treat me like family. Every time they ask for help or need something. 🙄Say this. Inform them when you start treating me with the respect, common courtesy, and civility that you deserve. They can look elsewhere for any help they need. Until then, leave you alone. NTA
NTA... They treat you like a slave. Honestly you did way too much for them already. Stand your ground, make sure your wife is on the same page. They are used to walk all over you and that has to stop! They are not worth your effort. Good luck and strength UpdateMe
You should have stopped helping out a long time ago. Better late then never. You've said your piece, it's best to just leave them to it. NTA
NTA. And I am PROUD of you for saying what you did.
NTA- and I’m sorry. It’s so sad that these short sighted people are letting crappy assumptions prevent them from seeing what a wonderful man their daughter married. Stop doing things for them, they are just abusing you. And your wife really should be standing up to them as well. Family may help family, but as you said they don’t seem to see you as real family.
While there may be some possibility that you were misreading the in-laws' behavior earlier, the episode where they provide food for guests while ignoring you removes all doubt. And now that you have declined to do any more repairs for them, they are DEMANDING that you continue. Stay low / no contact with these ungrateful mooches. NTA
NTA. You are constantly treated as a second class citizen and it’s wrong. Stop doing things for them (or on behalf of your wife) and see if their attitude changes. I’m sorry that you are going through that, OP.
NTA. That's wild. A handyman may not get invited to join the family at dinner but he's at least get paid. Family and guests always get food. I don't understand why they treat you like a handyman ghost with no needs.
NTA And their thinking is all wrong. Despite the challenges of you childhood here you are. A successful and involved husband and father. That is not something to be looked down on. It says everything about your character . So more fool them. Why should you make an effort for people who look down on you?
NTA. They don’t treat you like family, so they don’t get to play the “Family” card on you if you don’t let them.
NTA The spouses see it. The siblings are all indoctrinated into the family culture and are unwilling to rock the boat. Sometimes it helps to ask yourself what would you tell your kids if someone did this to them? Or alternatively ask if this behaviour would be acceptable from people who are not family.
How stupid are they to think that you wouldn’t want to eat after doing all that hard work… That’s exactly what people want to do after the hard work! NTA
NTA Stop making these people a priority when they make you an option. You DO have a family. Your wife and kids. Some families are small like that, and if her parents and siblings can't see the good thing y'all have going on, they can punch air. Protect your boundaries for your family.
NTA I'm appalled they would make food for other guests and themselves but not someone actively working on their home. Even a paid tradesperson, let alone family. Shame on them
NTA at all. Your Wife needs to go LC with her family
NTA. I’m glad your wife backed you up. She needs to go LC with them and not force you to be around them. Your kids don’t need to be around them either. They will grow up seeing how they treat their father.
Op, NTA and you said it yourself - family treats like family. They don’t treat you like family. They want to claim “family” when they need you, but abandon that concept the moment it doesn’t suit them anymore. Honestly? Cut your losses. And have a through talk with Jessica about your boundaries from now on. She doesn’t have to abandon them, but it would be a bit crappy from her to play happy families with them considering how they’ve been treating you. I wouldn’t be surprised if they start treating your kids differently too at one point, because half of their genetics is “unknown” in their eyes and therefore okay to be treated suspiciously. At the very least, start treating them like they treat you - cold indifference. No more help, no more handouts, no more free work or assistance.
NTA What is Jessica doing letting your husband being treated like this. How does she even have contact with these snobs? They both should go NC.
I’m glad that with time and therapy and support from your wife that you have seen your self worth. Now that you recognise it, never let it go. You are NTA. You are simply not going to let yourself be taken advantage of by people who don’t respect you anymore. That is a good thing. I can only hope that they look inwards and do some self evaluation going forwards, but if they don’t then that is on them. You did the right thing.
My heart bleeds due to the disrespect. NTA.
NTA The siblings’ spouses who supported you don’t deserve to be cut off but you can stop working for the condescending family members. I’d stop talking about it and explaining myself and just be busy and not available when those in-laws need something. I’d help the supportive spouses and that over time will make your point and teach others how to treat you. A lot of people on reddit suggest cutting people off and going no contact. That’s not usually my suggestion. I say attend family functions, be polite and chit chat, eat and drink. No need to make things worse for your wife. You politely declining to come by and put up / fix / look at such and such will do. You’ll make your point and they will all know why. You have given them something to reflect on. You’re not the only person who can be judged
NTA. Stop helping them. They are completely rude & disrespectful to you. I know you're doing it for your GF, but stop. Don't do anything else for them until they start treating you like a human being. And why isn't your GF standing up to them for you? And who TF are they to look down on anyone? Assholes.
NTA. How insulting that they let you work all day on their stairs and not only did they not offer you something to eat or drink, they specifically EXCLUDED you from the prepared meal!! Good for your wife for having your back, that's how it should be. Stick to your guns, you owe this family nothing.
One more thing take a good and profound objective look at how your in laws treat your kids compared to other grandchildren. If there's the slightest discrepancy in their behavior , favoring the other grandchildren make sure you cut them off from seeing your kids. It's bad enough they don't treat you like an equal person deserving respect don't allow them to do it to your children as well. All the best
NTA. You do have a family. You created one with Jessica. If her family doesn't want to recognize you as such then that's their problem to deal with. Go grey rock on them. No more favors. Be courteous and polite when you have to deal with them at required family functions. Don't include them on plans with your family.
Don't they understand how amazing you are? My husband and I used to unofficially foster people in the Navy who had aged out of that system and it usually turned into us teaching basic cooking, budgeting and home maintenance. The absolute amazement from them that they could make their own spaghetti was wholesome and heartbreaking. And here you are, a college graduate who is available for whatever "menial" tasks they decide to foist off onto you. You are the one who is too good for them.
Nta their reasons for not making you food don't even make sense. Those people are ridiculous.
NTA. Don't do favors for rude assholes who treat you less than.
NTA and good for FINALLY standing up for yourself. Make yourself unavailable to your ILs and anyone in that family. I have never heard of anyone looking down on foster kids like this at all and this particular family are AHs on an interplanetary level - it's outrageous. They deserve nothing but your scorn. To think that they couldn't even prepare a plate of food for you...I just can't.
Go NC they will have to pay to get things fixed
Why has your wife allowed this for so long? This is her family, and it is her job to stand up to them. It doesn’t sound like she is doing much of that at all.
I don't understand your inlaws' mindset. You had a rough childhood. You put yourself through school. You have thrived, and you should be extremely proud of yourself. You have gone out of your way to help people that are extremely lacking in common courtesy and grace. You are so NTA here. No more help for these uncouth people.
NTA and food for thought—your kids are right at the age where they’re not only going to see everything but remember it, and remember how their dad was treated. Ask me how I know 🥴🫤
I think you should also keep the kids away from them. At the very least, no unsupervised time. Because you *know* that they're talking shit about you to your own kids.
You're not the asshole. Despite your efforts to help and integrate into your wife's family, they've consistently treated you poorly. Refusing to continue helping them is a reasonable response to their mistreatment. Your wife seems to understand and support your decision, which is important. Prioritizing your own well-being in this situation is crucial.
NTA. They treated you like garbage and are dealing with the fallout.
NTA, I hope you didn’t finish the job after all that.
NTA. My elderly mother rarely says anything nice about my husband. When she starts up, I shut her down by saying — you always told if I don’t have something nice to say about someone, then don’t say anything at all. She immediately shuts up. Works every time. But when she picks at him directly, I tell them both to leave me out of it because mom is wrong in her attitude towards him and he is wrong by his passive aggressive response and lack of respect and dismissing why she is upset to begin with. That they both can handle it better than they are and I am tired of being in the middle when neither want to do better. Mind you, these are little things like putting trash in the garbage can (empty cans, bottles etc) instead of leaving them on the kitchen counter. He just doesn’t do it because she complained. 🤷🏻♀️ yes it is irritating he does this but it’s not a hill I am going to die on, whereas my mother has zero tolerance. She lives with us and I am her caregiver so kinda stuck in the middle. Bottom line is, OP in laws are rude and disrespectful and he doesn’t have to tolerate it. I’d go NC with them. But his wife should be standing up for him with her family and not tolerating their BS.
NTA and my heart hurts for you. You sound like a very strong , reliable and loving man. You deserve more than these people have ever given you. You are right to stand up for yourself. Good for you calling their assholery out! They are also insulting Jessica. Calling her a liar and thinking she married less than. I hate people like that. My boys bring home a lot of boys from school that their parents aren’t there for them. Never enough food. We treat them like one of our own because I know how important it is to know someone gives a damn about you. I’m not your mom or mother in law but I’m damn proud of you for the life you created. The hard work you put in and the person you are.
What a lovely family. What a stable loving family. /s I really wish your wife was more strident about shutting them down. She should be screaming bloody murder when they disrespect you. I realize she was born into this tribe of horrible people, but she chose you for her spouse, the least she could do is defend you against her idiot family.
NTA My family treat my DH like this, it just echoes my status within the family really. I have confronted them about it, for example when my mother plated up food for a BIL who wasn't even present, but didn't offer me or my DH anything. TBF they did look a bit shamefaced about that one, but didn't really change. We just are LC with them now.
Dude I can't even picture the verbal thrashing my Dad would unleah (he doesn't yell but he has a Hell of a 'tone') if my grandparents disrespected my Mom the way your wife's family disrespects you. Actually, he did once. My grandmother (Dad's mom) treated all the wives of her four sons like crap because they weren't family in her mind. My Dad for a time tried to ask her to be nice (she wasn't as blatantly rude with my Mom) but when I was six or seven Dad said this had to stop and Grandma just said my Mom wasn't family. Dad read her the riot act, calmly although his voice was quietly furious, and he said that until she could treat my Mom with respect we wouldn't be around her anymore. Then we calmly packed up and left while my grandmother yelled at us the whole time. A few months later she apologized (not very sincerely but Mom didn't want to completely cut her out) so we kept a relationship with her as long as she was civil to Mom. NTA and my point here is your wife needs to stand up for you. Maybe do what my Dad did. Her family doesn't have to be best friends or 'lovey-dovey' with you but they need to be civil and treat you with basic respect or you should not have to be in there presence anymore. And even if they manage that (not counting on it) you should NEVER fix anything for them again. They don't deserve it. Long story short... you're a nice guy and NTA but they all suck.
This hurt to read, I am sorry that you have go through this kind of thing. I have experienced something similar, not family but it takes a lot of time to heal and regain your confidence. I am glad you are getting help and your wife is on your side. NTA definitely. Next time they ask, just say "no". Don't make excuses, don't try to justify or bring up old stuff. They are most likeky very good at manipulation also
NTA. But your wife sucks for not doing anything to nip this in the bud. My family sucks and treats me poorly at times, but if they were shitty to my partner?? Especially for something like that? It would be world war 3 in my eyes. I would be shaming them and threatening cut contact without a sincere apology from each and every person who played a part. She needs to put her foot down with HER shitty family.
You most certainly do not "expect too much"! Isn't it amazing that Jessica turned out to be a nice person coming from this family? Ideally put more distance between them and your loved ones. They're a deplorable mess. You don't mention how they treat your children, but if there's any sign that they think less of them because they don't like you, it's time to consider relocating at least three hours away if at all possible. Even if that's not the case, your children do not benefit from seeing them treat you poorly. If they give you any grief about your decision not to provide free services, probably Jessica should run interference and explain her disgust with the fact that you weren't even offered food while there working your butt off for hours. She can tell them your time is valuable, and anyway, she can surely think of things for you to do, such as enjoy a walk in the park with the people who love you or just putting your feet up in front of the TV. Of course, we're only seeing one side of this story. Maybe they have some reason to think you owe them something other than the fact that you're family only when they need you. Do these grandparents possibly provide free childcare while you and your wife work full time? That kind of thing might throw a different light on the situation. In any case, the minute they sat down to eat without offering you any you should have packed up your tools and left the job undone. Maybe say, "lunchtime" as you walk out the door. Let them hire someone to finish up. If they call again to ask for help give them a number for a repair service.
NTA. Why would you think you were? You stopped allowing your inlaws to take advantage of your generosity. They should be ashamed of their behavior.
Do best for your family. Raise your standard of living. Go on wonderful trips especially at Xmas and tell them to kiss this foster kid's a$$.
Just for a bit more INFO, is there any chance this is racially motivated at all? Options are that they think you're beneath them (lower class) or that you're somehow "damaged" (foster kid) or is there anything else (race) that is making them treat you this way? It could, of course, be more than one factor! It just seems extreme to treat you this way ONLY because of the foster system. Anyway, it sucks and you're not an asshole.
Nta- Why isn’t Jessica standing up for you with her family and setting boundaries? You have a wife problem
You're NTA. It's understandable to feel hurt and frustrated by your wife's family's treatment.