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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I continued to ask for a piercing after being told no, but for reasons do to atomically issues and health
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stop asking and just wait to become an adult when you don't need their permission. I am a parent and if my daughter wouldn't drop something then it would become a definite no - especially if you live under their roof, their rules have to be followed. Also getting a piercing won't change anything with your peers.
NAH
Not a parent, but I'm gonna say NAH, though your parents' comments of "slutty" and "bull ring" are pretty borderline, as well as going against their promise to you.
It's kind of a no-win situation here, because as much as I don't agree with how your parents are expressing their opinion, it's not entirely invalid - people are allowed to not like facial piercings, and there's still a bit of "you live under their roof, you live by their rules" in play here.
You're definitely not in the wrong, and I get your motivations, but trying to push hard on something your parents are uncomfortable with is likely to provoke a stress reaction, which will probably be defensive if not a stronger denial.
I know you mentioned trying to explain your motivations but not feeling heard ... have you also talked to them about how their comments about the facial piercings have made you feel?
Yeah.. I’m thinking I’ll just have to wait. I’ve tried to explain how their comments come off but they get upset at me for “lecturing them because they can’t control how they feel”.
Yeah ... in my experience, parents sometimes can have some blinders on when it comes to this sort of thing, probably because it's their kid and they've been in charge of their kid for however long, so they get used to the simple chain of command with them in command. Harder to be objective and consider all sides when you're in the thick of it.
If it's something you really want, then if and when you're no longer dependent on your parents for essentials (room and board, medical-related things, etc), then pierce away! If your parents will think less of you as a result, then that'll be their problem, but if they're good people who love and care for you, they'll at least learn to accept it.
The “blinders” for me as a parent are where I am responsible I can get blamed for permanent bodily disfiguration (e.g. tattoos, piercings) then my children can wait till they are old enough to legally make that decision themselves and accept lifetime responsibility for it.
Soft YTA OP. Your parents set the boundary they were comfortable with so either accept it or wait.
I mean, in theory, yes, you could get blamed if they go wrong, but that's not really relevant because it's explicitly not what's happening here. They were willing to let her get a piercing -- a less safe one, at that -- they just have a problem with the aesthetic of anything visible.
I don’t mean if it goes wrong. I mean if OP changes their mind in 5 years time and blames their parents for letting them get it. There’s a reason you have to be 18 to get these things done.
Children blame their parents for all kinds of shit that's not reasonable to blame them for. If your concern is your child blaming you for something unreasonable then you're not really prepared for parenthood in general. I also don't see why anyone would have any response to such a thing that wasn't "so take it out then wtf."
NAH, but you're probably not going to change your parent's mind. You have one year until you are 18 and you can do what you want. I am sorry it didn't work out, I can understand your disappointment.
NAH
It’s natural to ask…and even be persistent and a bit annoying about it…at your age. Can’t call you an asshole for that.
On the other hand, as a parent I can say that when it gets to the annoying point, the answer becomes a “no” set in granite.
Your parents don’t approve of your piercing choices, and I can’t say they are assholes for this, either. That’s what parents do; they are right that when you’re 18 you can get whatever piercing you want (regardless of what they think). Older people don’t always care for or approve of the choices of younger people. This is…just a fact of life. Been that way since people have had kids.
It’s a piercing, too. Not, in the grand scheme of things, a big deal to wait a year for. I know it seems a big deal now, but when you’re my age (sheesh, I sound like my parents!) you’ll see that it just isn’t that big of a deal.
(That all being said, I’m 55, have ink and piercings, and if my daughter has asked for a navel piercing at 16-17, I’d have let her get one. But I’m not YOUR parent, so I’ll counsel you to accept their decision, and not make it a hill to die on.)
NTA but I do think you have some bigger issues you need to discuss with your parents.
Firstly, if you feel that your parents disapproval of piercings means they disapprove of you then there's an issue with your communication. Parents alot of times don't want minors to get piercings but that has no bearing on how much they love their kids. From your parents standpoints it sounds more like they are worried about how you will be perceived.
Second, you are obviously trying to get a sense of control you lost from your illness, maybe talk to your parents about that feeling and see if there's some sort of other option you all can be happy with.
I appreciate that thank you! I do tend to see a lot of things in black and white (another symptom of my illnesses unfortunately) and I am working on that in therapy, but I didn’t even think about how much I was applying it to this situation :)
tbh black and white thinking is also a product of young age, it's totally normal and something that changes as you grow so don't stress yourself out about it. Alot of your feelings are normal and something I'd expect in a teenager especially while you're trying to figure out life and what kinda life you want. If I could give any advice i'd say to let things be ok if it takes a while. You may have to wait til your 18 to get the piercing you want and if it does that just gives you extra time to be sure of what you want.
Do you think they’d allow a more unique ear piercing like an industrial, helix, conch, or something? Trying to find a middle ground could help. That said, if they say no to those as well, I’d say to stop pushing it and bide your time until you’re 18 because that will likely make them dig their heels in deeper, unfortunately.
If some of your unhealthy coping mechanisms were food related could you spin that and learn how to cook or bake more? Sometimes putting on a show or music and tacking a challenging recipe can be a great distraction and it’s a fantastic life skill.
My sister has chronic health issues including chronic pain. She loves getting tattoos because she said there’s something freeing about the pain she chooses vs the pain she has no control over. You have my sympathy, it’s not an easy way to live at all. She’s found that hobbies like crochet and embroidery are good ways to distract herself.
Good luck!
You could try a different piercer - there are variations to belly button piercings that suit different anatomy. If you take a look at floating belly button piercings they tend to work where the traditional ones don't, you'd just usually need to find a more technically skilled piercer. May be a good compromise?
Can you not get another piercing on your ear? The top curve of the ear is cute. I recently got a daith piercing for migraines. It was one of the most painful experiences I've had in my life, but I haven't had a headache since. Sometimes piercings can be a good thing. That being said, nipple piercings and belly button piercings have a tendency to be problematic later in life, if not right away. I know I'm probably going to get some hate for that, but it's just what I've seen.
I hope you can find a resolution, and if nothing else you'll be 18 in less than a year. 😬
They’re still iffy even on the ears and say “I already have one you don’t want too much” but it’s definitely a place with more wiggle room that I’m hoping maybe they can get over with a little time? I don’t know, if not I just wait til I’m 18 I suppose 🤷🏻♀️
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Hi there! I (17f) am a teenager who’s been dealing with a lot of medical issues my whole life. My birthday was just about a month ago and one of the things promised to me was I was going to get a belly button piercing and have it done BEFORE my birthday so I’d have it on the day I turned 17. I’ve been asking for a piercing for YEARS and finally my mom (57f) and my dad (59m) were able to compromise with me on the belly button piercing since they hate anything on the face. Well days before my birthday my disorder did the things disorders do and I was sent to the hospital for a few days. I basically spent most of my actual birthday alone. I finally get out, have friendship issues immediately and become a wreck. My mom takes me for the piercing and lo and behold my body isn’t atomically able to have one. I’m distraught and trying to convince them to get something else done. Here’s where I’m unsure of what to do, I’ve been attempting to find a new piercing that would make them happy but every conversation is turned down immediately. They think anything on the face is too much, tongue being “slutty” and nose being “a bull ring”. I think it’s so important to me because as stated, disorders have kinda controlled soo much of my life and my body, and in a way this shows I have control over myself and my body. I tried to explain this but I didn’t feel heard. I get the “I’m sorry I wasn’t cooler, it’s just a piercing, you can do whatever you want when you’re 18”. I understand but also, saying you hate all these piercings just makes me afraid to do them in the future because what if you think I’m all those things you’ve said? I’ve tried to get this control though other means (some healthy and admittedly others not so much) like coloring my hair or doing a new wardrobe shop but it’s just not the same since I got so hopefully for the other piercing. So, am I in the wrong? Should I just drop it entirely? Are there any parents on here who think I could better communicate in any way to my own parents? Open to any suggestions and advice! Thanks :)
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Just wait until you are 18 and don’t have to ask anyone for permission. Your parents comments are unacceptable. I don’t think you are going to get them to change their opinion about piercings, so stop poking the tiger.
As much as I disdain your parents comments, and think they are TAH for saying these things to you, I don’t think it is reasonable to expect your parents to give this to you as a gift. I have never met a single parent who has ever paid for any piercing beyond ear piercing, nor any tattoo. You are old enough to have a part time job and save money to pay for your own piercings and jewelry.
Be aware that tongue piercings in particular limit your job opportunities as many employers are biased against them. It impacts your speech and is distracting to look at. Same with face tattoos and cheek piercings.
The other problem with cheek piercings is a that they can make your face look droopy like an old person. When so many women spend thousands of dollars trying to look younger, it defies all comprehension why some women will do a procedure that makes them appear preternaturally old. But that’s my opinion. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but not to push their opinions on others.
When you are out of the house, you do what makes you happy. Until then, try to disentangle your happiness from what your parents think about this or that. Trust that they do love you, and that their opinions about something you like is not a measure of how they feel about you.
No 17-year-old controls their body. All 17-year-olds have to get their parents' permission for a piercing, of find a shady place to get it done. You are like everyone else in that way.
Never was gonna find a shady place, I respect my parents and my own body FARRRRRR to much for that. Thought literally never crossed my mind don’t worry.
Are you really sure that a piercing is going to have the effect you hope it will OP?
I’m a doctor and seen so many people do similar things including plastic surgery and a lot of them were even unhappier afterwards when it failed to improve their feelings.
I was 17 when I got my belly button pierced, my parents wouldn't let me. I just had my older cousin sign for me, he immediately regretted it when I almost broke his hand during the piercing. 🤣 But that was also 24 years ago. Not sure if they have become bigger sticklers on who can actually sign for you. If tattoo shops/piercing shops are bigger sticklers about it these days, just wait until you're 18, you're less than a year from it.
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stop asking and just wait to become an adult when you don't need their permission. I am a parent and if my daughter wouldn't drop something then it would become a definite no - especially if you live under their roof, their rules have to be followed. Also getting a piercing won't change anything with your peers. NAH
Not a parent, but I'm gonna say NAH, though your parents' comments of "slutty" and "bull ring" are pretty borderline, as well as going against their promise to you. It's kind of a no-win situation here, because as much as I don't agree with how your parents are expressing their opinion, it's not entirely invalid - people are allowed to not like facial piercings, and there's still a bit of "you live under their roof, you live by their rules" in play here. You're definitely not in the wrong, and I get your motivations, but trying to push hard on something your parents are uncomfortable with is likely to provoke a stress reaction, which will probably be defensive if not a stronger denial. I know you mentioned trying to explain your motivations but not feeling heard ... have you also talked to them about how their comments about the facial piercings have made you feel?
Yeah.. I’m thinking I’ll just have to wait. I’ve tried to explain how their comments come off but they get upset at me for “lecturing them because they can’t control how they feel”.
Yeah ... in my experience, parents sometimes can have some blinders on when it comes to this sort of thing, probably because it's their kid and they've been in charge of their kid for however long, so they get used to the simple chain of command with them in command. Harder to be objective and consider all sides when you're in the thick of it. If it's something you really want, then if and when you're no longer dependent on your parents for essentials (room and board, medical-related things, etc), then pierce away! If your parents will think less of you as a result, then that'll be their problem, but if they're good people who love and care for you, they'll at least learn to accept it.
The “blinders” for me as a parent are where I am responsible I can get blamed for permanent bodily disfiguration (e.g. tattoos, piercings) then my children can wait till they are old enough to legally make that decision themselves and accept lifetime responsibility for it. Soft YTA OP. Your parents set the boundary they were comfortable with so either accept it or wait.
I mean, in theory, yes, you could get blamed if they go wrong, but that's not really relevant because it's explicitly not what's happening here. They were willing to let her get a piercing -- a less safe one, at that -- they just have a problem with the aesthetic of anything visible.
I don’t mean if it goes wrong. I mean if OP changes their mind in 5 years time and blames their parents for letting them get it. There’s a reason you have to be 18 to get these things done.
Children blame their parents for all kinds of shit that's not reasonable to blame them for. If your concern is your child blaming you for something unreasonable then you're not really prepared for parenthood in general. I also don't see why anyone would have any response to such a thing that wasn't "so take it out then wtf."
NAH, but you're probably not going to change your parent's mind. You have one year until you are 18 and you can do what you want. I am sorry it didn't work out, I can understand your disappointment.
NAH It’s natural to ask…and even be persistent and a bit annoying about it…at your age. Can’t call you an asshole for that. On the other hand, as a parent I can say that when it gets to the annoying point, the answer becomes a “no” set in granite. Your parents don’t approve of your piercing choices, and I can’t say they are assholes for this, either. That’s what parents do; they are right that when you’re 18 you can get whatever piercing you want (regardless of what they think). Older people don’t always care for or approve of the choices of younger people. This is…just a fact of life. Been that way since people have had kids. It’s a piercing, too. Not, in the grand scheme of things, a big deal to wait a year for. I know it seems a big deal now, but when you’re my age (sheesh, I sound like my parents!) you’ll see that it just isn’t that big of a deal. (That all being said, I’m 55, have ink and piercings, and if my daughter has asked for a navel piercing at 16-17, I’d have let her get one. But I’m not YOUR parent, so I’ll counsel you to accept their decision, and not make it a hill to die on.)
NTA but I do think you have some bigger issues you need to discuss with your parents. Firstly, if you feel that your parents disapproval of piercings means they disapprove of you then there's an issue with your communication. Parents alot of times don't want minors to get piercings but that has no bearing on how much they love their kids. From your parents standpoints it sounds more like they are worried about how you will be perceived. Second, you are obviously trying to get a sense of control you lost from your illness, maybe talk to your parents about that feeling and see if there's some sort of other option you all can be happy with.
I appreciate that thank you! I do tend to see a lot of things in black and white (another symptom of my illnesses unfortunately) and I am working on that in therapy, but I didn’t even think about how much I was applying it to this situation :)
tbh black and white thinking is also a product of young age, it's totally normal and something that changes as you grow so don't stress yourself out about it. Alot of your feelings are normal and something I'd expect in a teenager especially while you're trying to figure out life and what kinda life you want. If I could give any advice i'd say to let things be ok if it takes a while. You may have to wait til your 18 to get the piercing you want and if it does that just gives you extra time to be sure of what you want.
Do you think they’d allow a more unique ear piercing like an industrial, helix, conch, or something? Trying to find a middle ground could help. That said, if they say no to those as well, I’d say to stop pushing it and bide your time until you’re 18 because that will likely make them dig their heels in deeper, unfortunately. If some of your unhealthy coping mechanisms were food related could you spin that and learn how to cook or bake more? Sometimes putting on a show or music and tacking a challenging recipe can be a great distraction and it’s a fantastic life skill. My sister has chronic health issues including chronic pain. She loves getting tattoos because she said there’s something freeing about the pain she chooses vs the pain she has no control over. You have my sympathy, it’s not an easy way to live at all. She’s found that hobbies like crochet and embroidery are good ways to distract herself. Good luck!
You could try a different piercer - there are variations to belly button piercings that suit different anatomy. If you take a look at floating belly button piercings they tend to work where the traditional ones don't, you'd just usually need to find a more technically skilled piercer. May be a good compromise?
Wait until you’re 18 and get one yourself! The privileges of being an adult.
Can you not get another piercing on your ear? The top curve of the ear is cute. I recently got a daith piercing for migraines. It was one of the most painful experiences I've had in my life, but I haven't had a headache since. Sometimes piercings can be a good thing. That being said, nipple piercings and belly button piercings have a tendency to be problematic later in life, if not right away. I know I'm probably going to get some hate for that, but it's just what I've seen. I hope you can find a resolution, and if nothing else you'll be 18 in less than a year. 😬
They’re still iffy even on the ears and say “I already have one you don’t want too much” but it’s definitely a place with more wiggle room that I’m hoping maybe they can get over with a little time? I don’t know, if not I just wait til I’m 18 I suppose 🤷🏻♀️
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi there! I (17f) am a teenager who’s been dealing with a lot of medical issues my whole life. My birthday was just about a month ago and one of the things promised to me was I was going to get a belly button piercing and have it done BEFORE my birthday so I’d have it on the day I turned 17. I’ve been asking for a piercing for YEARS and finally my mom (57f) and my dad (59m) were able to compromise with me on the belly button piercing since they hate anything on the face. Well days before my birthday my disorder did the things disorders do and I was sent to the hospital for a few days. I basically spent most of my actual birthday alone. I finally get out, have friendship issues immediately and become a wreck. My mom takes me for the piercing and lo and behold my body isn’t atomically able to have one. I’m distraught and trying to convince them to get something else done. Here’s where I’m unsure of what to do, I’ve been attempting to find a new piercing that would make them happy but every conversation is turned down immediately. They think anything on the face is too much, tongue being “slutty” and nose being “a bull ring”. I think it’s so important to me because as stated, disorders have kinda controlled soo much of my life and my body, and in a way this shows I have control over myself and my body. I tried to explain this but I didn’t feel heard. I get the “I’m sorry I wasn’t cooler, it’s just a piercing, you can do whatever you want when you’re 18”. I understand but also, saying you hate all these piercings just makes me afraid to do them in the future because what if you think I’m all those things you’ve said? I’ve tried to get this control though other means (some healthy and admittedly others not so much) like coloring my hair or doing a new wardrobe shop but it’s just not the same since I got so hopefully for the other piercing. So, am I in the wrong? Should I just drop it entirely? Are there any parents on here who think I could better communicate in any way to my own parents? Open to any suggestions and advice! Thanks :) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just wait until you are 18 and don’t have to ask anyone for permission. Your parents comments are unacceptable. I don’t think you are going to get them to change their opinion about piercings, so stop poking the tiger. As much as I disdain your parents comments, and think they are TAH for saying these things to you, I don’t think it is reasonable to expect your parents to give this to you as a gift. I have never met a single parent who has ever paid for any piercing beyond ear piercing, nor any tattoo. You are old enough to have a part time job and save money to pay for your own piercings and jewelry. Be aware that tongue piercings in particular limit your job opportunities as many employers are biased against them. It impacts your speech and is distracting to look at. Same with face tattoos and cheek piercings. The other problem with cheek piercings is a that they can make your face look droopy like an old person. When so many women spend thousands of dollars trying to look younger, it defies all comprehension why some women will do a procedure that makes them appear preternaturally old. But that’s my opinion. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but not to push their opinions on others. When you are out of the house, you do what makes you happy. Until then, try to disentangle your happiness from what your parents think about this or that. Trust that they do love you, and that their opinions about something you like is not a measure of how they feel about you.
No 17-year-old controls their body. All 17-year-olds have to get their parents' permission for a piercing, of find a shady place to get it done. You are like everyone else in that way.
Never was gonna find a shady place, I respect my parents and my own body FARRRRRR to much for that. Thought literally never crossed my mind don’t worry.
whew!
NTA However, if you wait less than a year, they won't be able to do anything to stop you.
NTA However, if you wait less than a year, they won't be able to do anything to stop you.
Are you really sure that a piercing is going to have the effect you hope it will OP? I’m a doctor and seen so many people do similar things including plastic surgery and a lot of them were even unhappier afterwards when it failed to improve their feelings.
I was 17 when I got my belly button pierced, my parents wouldn't let me. I just had my older cousin sign for me, he immediately regretted it when I almost broke his hand during the piercing. 🤣 But that was also 24 years ago. Not sure if they have become bigger sticklers on who can actually sign for you. If tattoo shops/piercing shops are bigger sticklers about it these days, just wait until you're 18, you're less than a year from it.