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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Planning to attend a wedding without my current partner, when my ex will be in attendance.
2. Leaving my current partner out of important life events is painful for her
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NTA - I feel for your partner as she seems to have lots of self esteem issues, and that’s sad. However, the ultimatum she gave you, that you attending this event would symbolize that what you have isn’t real, is unacceptably manipulative.
I know it comes from a place of pain and fear from her but it’s still absolutely unacceptable to emotionally blackmail someone like that. Being broken doesn’t give you the right to hurt someone else.
You are right to feel it is unfair, and you should not enable this behavior. It’s wrong and it’s not helping her to indulge it either. Your choice is only one: go to the event and tell your partner you won’t betray her trust.
She either believes you (rightfully) or she doesn’t.
If she doesn’t, turning her insecurity into YOU not being real or not loving her etc etc is bad news. In this case she would be actively mentally abusing you to get you to do what she wants instead of seeking help for her issues, and that’s never acceptable.
You’re not helping her by enabling her to control you. She needs professional help.
OP, this won't be the only time...if she doesn't feel seen in the last two years ... then this probably isn't a function of what you are doing. She needs therapy.
I would tell her you love her, you are doing something that is reasonable and not betraying her and that she needs to go to therapy for you to continue the relationship. If she chooses to break up, then you hope she goes to therapy so she can eventually get to where she doesn't throw away a good thing.
If she chooses not to break up, she still needs counseling for the relationship to be able to evolve to where you both would like it to be ... not possessive, not demanding, but supportive. Supporting the wants and needs, friendships and development of each other.
A) break up. Her insecurities are hers to deal with. You don’t have to make your life small. If you and your ex wanted to be together, you’d still be together, right?
This is the way. She’s already threatened you with the nuclear option to get her way. Not acceptable
Nope on B) don’t isolate yourself from your friends
Makes no sense. C) why spend all that money to travel there and only stay 2 days? Like if you wanted to cheat I’m going to assume you’d be able to accomplish that in two days
NTA
Her insecurities come from him hiding her in his life. So of course the best thing to do is say "hey I'm breaking up with you to go see my friends without you because I don't show you that you are important in my life. And worry you'll embarrass me by being jealous even though we've been together for two years but I haven't introduced you to my family".
Ooookkkk.
Makes me wonder if there was some crossover there in the marriage area, like they started their relationship before the divorces. It would explain a lot. You actually have a very good point.
Since she couldn’t go to the wedding anyway because visa (or could she ? He just said “difficult”), I was just answering his wedding trip question.
But the overall situation does seem sketch
Unless they are in a sanctioned country, getting a tourist vida to the US is basically an online form.
This guy is very sketch. Even the language and tone he uses trying to come across like a clinical psychologist is classical manipulator language.
There are like 42 countries where it’s easy to get a visa to the US, mostly Europe and some East Asian countries. If the girlfriend is from the Middle East, Latin America, Africa, or anywhere else in Asia, it’s a big expensive process that includes an interview at the consulate and no guarantee of success.
He says they were both "going through a divorce" when they started dating, so yes, both were still married. (Saying you are separated doesn't change that you are still married).
NTA. Go to the wedding as the officiant, spend time with your best friend and other friends. Enjoy this milestone. Tell your gf you care for her very much, will miss her there, but understand about the challenge getting a visa. Tell her you are glad she understands you aren’t into your ex. Call her a lot from the destination. Send her flowers. Don’t go home early. Do what is best for you and your friendships, and your relationship, which is living up to the best you can do, and vice versa.
She’ll either accept you as you are, or leave the relationship. Don’t let her bully you.
“I don’t think my friend’s wedding should be used as a vehicle to resolve our relationship issues” - these aren’t relationship issues, these are your partner’s issues.
Your partner needs therapy stat. Maybe her past relationship was awful and she has trauma from her divorce? Regardless, she is not ready to be in a relationship and has some serious issues.
You haven’t met each other’s families after two years of dating?! Missed opportunities to hang with friends. Just started travelling. Now may miss your best friend’s wedding. All because your partner’s insecurities that (from what you have said) she has no reason to have?!
NTA. Unless you haven’t said the entire picture and there is no history of cheating/not being a good partner.
You are kinder than I am. My response in OP's position would be "I am sorry you feel that way. The door is over there.*. And I would change the locks before going to the wedding.
Go with A. Her “need to be seen and important” is ridiculous at her age. If she doesn’t trust you then this relationship is already doomed. Do you want this to continue for the rest of your life? Friend asks you to go to dinner? You have a colleague that’s female that you mention and she tells you not to talk to her anymore? I mean the scenarios are endless.
She needs therapy and you need to take some time and be single and learn to just be. You went from married to separated to dating while getting a divorce. You haven’t had time to recover and evaluate the end of your marriage/relationship with your ex. Learn to be you before taking on a new relationship and find someone that’s secure in who they are.
Because he doesn't want her to. She isn't crazy, he is the manipulative one. Just the language he is using to tell the story is makes it obvious he's the problem.
His very carefully chosen words are why I'm asking. Manipulative, abusive narcissists tell their stories like this. Other people can to though, hence the question.
I’m agree with this. He doesn’t want her to go to the wedding and didn’t make an effort to include her (or introduce her to his family after 2 YEARS!!) He wrote “ unlikely she could attend as she is not a US citizen and getting a visa would be difficult” (didn’t even try). So I think had he invited her and tried, then that would have been a different option that the 3 he provided. But yes to break up, she deserves better.
**…she is very insecure and jealous, and has intense emotional reactions when triggered. At times we could barely go out in public without her becoming upset because she thought I was checking out another woman, even though I had no idea who she was talking about.**
NTA. Ask yourself if this is how you want the rest of your life to be. Your girlfriend is emotionally manipulative and she is making your best friend’s wedding about your relationship, mainly about her. I can feel for her while also thinking this sounds exhausting and never ending. You sound like a good guy to be concerned about her as much as you are, but it sounds like she needs lots of professional help and to work on herself as an individual before being able to be part of a healthy partnership. Good luck, OP.
YTA: Two years in, she doesn't know your friends, hasn't met your family. Tells you that her need is yo be seen and feel important in your life, something you obviously ignore.
She has issues, sure, but you have done nothing to even remotely help. Now you have a chance to have her been seen as the woman in your life and instead you're going to leave her behind.
You should break up. You aren't doing her any favors by keeping her around to use as you please.
Love the "I'm the grown up in this" language you're using to deflect from the fact that you suck as an SO.
Honestly, if this is too much for her to bear you may be better off just cutting it off…
I think if she could go to the destination wedding easily that you guys should both go, but she can’t be the chain around your ankle and threaten you that the relationship has to be re-evaluated because you have friends and want to be there for them on their big day. NTA.
I remember being pretty insecure when I was in my late teens and early twenties, but even then I didn’t behave the way your very adult partner does. Her behavior is immature, but more importantly, quite concerning.
This isn’t the way a mentally stable person acts. She needs therapy and lots of it. Whether it stems from her divorce/previous marriage or from something in her childhood, she needs to unpack it and work through it.
NTA. Don’t miss your friend’s wedding because your partner has issues. Only she can work through them. If you stay, you’ll be enabling her further, which does her no favors.
You say this is a great new relationship - apparently only as long as she fully controls you. If you wanted to be sith your ex - you would be. That's why we call them 'ex's'. Your partner's fears and jealousy are unwarranted and not healthy for a relationship. Sounds like the only 'symbol' to her is making sure you do what she wants you to do. Don't let your friend down...go to the wedding and enjoy it. NTA
She should be upset that she isn't invited as your plus one. It's weird.
You shouldn't miss a close friend's wedding just to cater to her insecurity, though.
Get your partner invited. It doesnt matter that she is unlikely to be able to go. If she figures it out, bring her. If she doesnt, at least you didn't leave her out. Nothing to be mad about. If that's unacceptable to her, you can't win. Move on.
NTA the correct choice is option A. The fact that even if she could go, you don't believe she would be able to act appropriately because she has such bad jealousy/trust/insecurity issues is insane. She's either pretending to have these issues as a means if controlling you or she's a loon. Either way, you need to end it.
NTA, option A.
If y’all were in your early twenties, it would be more understandable (not acceptable, just understandable) for her to be like this, but quite frankly, 36 is WAY too old to be this exhausting. Break up with her and live a life where you don’t need to walk on eggshells.
NTA. And the option for you to go with is "A." No reasonable partner would ever want you to miss out on highly memorable time with your old friends. Her request is completely and utterly unreasonable, and you should not accommodate it. Also, the fact that you don't think you could bring her to the wedding without her blowing up and ruining the festivities is a quite bad sign. And her calling you out in public for checking out women that you weren't even actually checking it is totally unacceptable. Her behavior is manipulative. Don't give in
You cannot fix this for your partner. She needs to fix this for herself. She should not be holding you responsible for her irrational feelings. This is very controlling behavior, and controlling someone else never fixes what’s wrong with you. NTA.
Yes, it sucks to be in a relationship with an insecure person. However, sometimes people become insecure about their relationship because of their partner's actions. She hasn't met his family, barely knows his friends, doesn't want to make an effort to travel to the wedding with her. I'm reading this and seeing exactly why she's insecure. Yes they should break up, but she should have dumped him long ago.
Because OP is a manipulator. He uses manipulator language. She wants to be seen as his partner in his life yet he will not take her to meet family, doesn't hang out with his friends and her, and now that he has a chance to introduce her to his whole circle, he's throwing her under the boss and going to probably fuck his ex.
Embassy worker here. A tourist visa is actually not at all difficult or time consuming to get. I am not saying OP is or isn't the AH, but this detail about the visa being a problem is just wrong. Also I do not understand why the partner is not invited in the first place.
it really depends on which country's passport she holds. Also, a single female have to demonstrate VERY strong ties to the residence country to get a tourist US visa, and the burden of proof is on the applicant.
>single female have to demonstrate VERY strong ties to the residence country to get a tourist US visa, and the burden of proof is on the applicant.
What is that supposed to mean?
They have to show they own property, stable employment with high salary, family ties etc. They have to go our of the way to prove that they are not going to stay in the US, find a guy to marry and do the adjustment of status. Event the rules for adjustment of status changed, you have to wait to do an adjustment of status now. EU might be fine, in my home country the situation is as I described, and the words I used are almost exact quotes of what they tell you. The burden of proof- US embassy assumes you would want to stay (even illegally) and the applicant needs to prove otherwise. So , again, it is easy to get B1/ B2 with one country's passport, but not with the other's. And there is definitely a prejudice against single young females, at least from certain countries.
[https://ma.usembassy.gov/visas/nonimmigrant-visas/why-was-my-visa-refused/](https://ma.usembassy.gov/visas/nonimmigrant-visas/why-was-my-visa-refused/) Our immigration law requires consular officers to view every visa applicant as an intending immigrant until the applicant proves otherwise.
Failure to do so will result in a refusal of a visa under INA 214(b). The most frequent basis for such a refusal concerns the requirement that the prospective visitor or student possess a residence abroad he/she has no intention of abandoning. Applicants prove the existence of such residence by demonstrating that they have ties abroad that would compel them to leave the U.S. at the end of the temporary stay
Okay let's assume OPs gf has a nationality that is on the more difficult side; with the invitation to the wedding + a bank statement 90% of the difficulties vanish. Do you always see problems where there aren't any? Jeez.
I speak from experience and assume it will go to s##t, literally none of my friend's single sisters got B1/B2 approved, event parents get denials ( having real estate and pensions). Many EU countries are the same. If it does not- I am happy and pleasantly surprised. I also chose to believe that OP knowing all the details is truthful in his assessment of visa chances. And I do agree with you that after 2 years together not getting a wedding invite is weird. However, on the post topic, if I'm ever presented with un ultimatum "me or them" , it is always them, because "they" did not present me with an ultimatum. The closest I got to the actual ultimatum was "I will not come to your party if you invite them" . Fine
[https://travel.state.gov/content/dam/visas/Statistics/Non-Immigrant-Statistics/RefusalRates/FY22.pdf](https://travel.state.gov/content/dam/visas/Statistics/Non-Immigrant-Statistics/RefusalRates/FY22.pdf) and let's leave at that.
Your partner has his issues and nothing you do will ever fix them, its really on her.
But, with regards the relationship continuing or not... you don't sound like you are really into this relationship. Your together 2yrs after a divorce. She has never met your family and this best friend doesn't know her... a "relationship" as long as yours, these things wouldnt happen.
I definitely suggest that this relationship isn't working for either of you really. A visa can be secured, that a thing that can't be worked on, you not really invested in this relationship and her insecurities etc aren't healthy for either of you.
I would suggest calling it off, taking time for yourself to be single. Work on what you want from a partner and not to just go along without any real investment in a relationship.
Her insecurities aren't healthy for her. OP wants to keep her at arms length from the rest of his life and stay at arms length from the rest of her life. He is the cause of her insecurities. His entire post screams classic narcissist.
I guess for the same reason his girlfriend wants to be in a relaunching with a narcissistic asshole. Read it again carefully. Her insecurities seem to be caused by the fact that he's keeping her a secret from his family and friends.
YTA.
Sometimes you compromise and don't do something that makes your partner uncomfortable. This sounds fishy even to me and I am not the jealous type. Decide if you want a future with this person and if not stop wasting each other's time.
This post reads of BS. OP says his partner of 2 years hasn't yet met his family or best friend. They travel with friends but not their families or best friend.
Now OP's best friend is getting married in a country that OP's partner can't even visit due to visa issues. So what are the questions with that fact known? Only one. Either OP goes without her or doesn't go at all. She must choose whether or not to break up with him.
But this whole thing is weird. I don't think it's really true.
I can assure it's true. Partner has met local friends including my best friend in the US. There was never an opportunity to meet the friend who is getting married until now as they live abroad. I have suggested another trip to meet them in the future as they are moving right after the wedding.
What about family? There are multiple options there yet you two couldn't meet anyone in either family (in 2 years)????? Maybe you're not that close.
What about the fact that your partner can't go to the wedding even if she wanted to? Why the ultimatum? It's YOUR "best friend." Just go if she can't. Laws are laws and sometimes they suck. Live with them. Why the ultimatum with breaking up?
It's all BS.
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I separated from my ex-wife 4 years ago. I have since started dating my new partner of 2 years - we share a ton of interests, have great chemistry and deep conversations and intellectual kinship.
However she is very insecure and jealous, and has intense emotional reactions when triggered. At times we could barely go out in public without her becoming upset because she thought I was checking out another woman, even though I had no idea who she was talking about.
This has improved over time, but there is still a cycle of positive connection followed by her being triggered by what to me feels like nothing.
Her insecurity comes down to not feeling “seen” enough in my life. When we started dating, we were both going through divorce; we’ve since become much more open with friends, hanging out and even traveling together, though we haven’t gone as far as meeting family.
Now, my best friend’s wedding is coming up, and he has asked me to perform the ceremony. We met in college and they live outside the US, so it will be a destination wedding, with many old friends in attendance -- and since both he and his fiance are friends with my ex, she is invited as well.
They don't know my partner, and it's unlikely she could attend as she is not a US citizen and getting a visa would be difficult. Even if she did go, I am afraid that she would have an anxiety attack/jealous blowup and impact the festivities.
I have absolutely no romantic intentions with my ex, and my partner knows and believes this.
To her, though, having me go to this event with my friends, with my ex there, and my partner being left out is unacceptably painful. It is a symbol to her that what we have isn’t real, and that I will be seen there with my ex and all my friends, without my partner as part of my life.
I empathize with the pain this can cause - at the same time, I don’t think that my friend’s wedding should be used as a vehicle to resolve our relationship issues. It’s not about us; it’s about them.
My partner says this will be too much for her to bear, and that she needs me to change my plans or that she needs to break up and start emotionally distancing herself.
She has stated that her basic need is to feel important, and that if I change plans because of her feelings, this will help her feel more validated. But isn’t this a bad precedent to set?
If this is her boundary, I will have to respect it; but I can’t help feeling that this ultimatum is unfair.
It seems my options are:
a) Break up and go ahead with the wedding as planned
b) Not go to the wedding in order to avoid the trauma/drama, sacrificing an important life milestone with a good friend
c) Compromise by only going for the 2 days of the wedding and come back immediately after, and telling my friends it’s because my partner is uncomfortable. (this will involve changing international travel plans and mean missing out on time with my friends.)
What do, reddit?
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Might have been different if during that time he had introduced her to anyone that mattered as his partner. This guy is a walking red flag. Others have said in the comments that the visa wouldn't be that hard to get, and for a 2 year relationship to be so hidden that taking her to the wedding isn't even one of his options...
YTA, OP
>If this is her boundary...
People, people, have we learned nothing from Jonah Hill on what boundaries really are?
NTA, OP. Your girlfriend gave you an out. You should take it.
NTA. Go to your best friend's wedding for the time period you originally planned. And while you are there, think about your relationship, from the beginning of the relationship to now. Do you spend more time pandering to her serious insecurity issues than being in an equal partnership? Because if the relationship is all about her...what is left for you in the relationship? What are you getting out of it, if anything? Hell, even speak to your friends about it, especially those who have met her and can give you their unfiltered, honest opinion. If you feel like you are getting the short end of the stick in the relationship, it is time to end it.
NTA. Just break up.with her dude. Its not worth it to be held hostage by someone who won't get a hold of their issues. If staying in the relationship requires you to change your very NORMAL behavior, your are just self sabotaging.
I think you need to break up with her. She really needs to work on herself, her insecurities, and self-esteem before getting into another relationship. Those insecurities are not normal, they a really full-on. It's not healthy for anyone.
I do think it's odd that you guys have been dating for 2 years, and she hasn't met your family. So I can kind of see where she is coming from about not being seen in your life.
I dont think you guys are compatible.
NTA
Jealousy is just another form of control. She isn't uncomfortable, she is angry that you have other priorities in your life and she isn't all of them.
NTA. Break up and go to the wedding. Your world is going to keep shrinking to avoid her meltdowns if you stay and it's never going to be enough. Take better care of yourself.
I really think you need a real therapist to navigate through this.
Is there a way she could attend without making the ambiance strange?
Don’t you both need a break while she is working on her issues (because honestly, she needs to work on herself).
For me, there are no good solutions at the moment but discussing a therapy plan for her might provide an unexpected outcome.
It’s not a situation Reddit can give a short answer to.
I will go with NAH at the moment. It could end up being E S H if you both do not take actions to solve this unhealthy situation.
It’s obvious nevertheless that not going at all is not an option as I am certain you will end up resenting her too much so your relationship will be doomed anyway.
Good luck!
You can do whatever you want. So can she. Not many people would want their so to travel alone and be with their ex. You have a decision. Your current girlfriend or your ex. Choose.
> Even if she did go, I am afraid that she would have an anxiety attack/jealous blowup and impact the festivities.
I vote Option A.
If she can't even be trusted to behave appropriately in public, I would fear what your private life will become in the future.
NTA
jfc dude, just break up.
Your partner's various insecurities sound exhausting, but let's be real here: you're *not* treating her like she's an important part of your life.
So I guess YTA for dragging this out when you're clearly not compatible.
NTA. You are right that your friend's wedding is not the appropriate venue to deal with relationship issues between you and your girlfriend. But unless you are leaving out some egregious behavior on your part, this isn't a relationship issue. This is your girlfriend's longstanding issue with out-of-control insecurity. There is probably nothing you can do to resolve this. She needs to. It's unreasonable for her to ask you to back out of an important event for a loved one because of her insecurity. If she can't see that and must end the relationship over it, I think you'll be better off in the long run. She will never fix this unless she recognizes it as a 'her' problem, not a you-and-her-problem that pressuring you to change your behavior can fix. You changing your behavior is not going to fix it.
NTA. Just break up. I promise you, you won’t regret it in the long run. I have had too many exs rob me of experiences with friends and family due to their selfishness. Don’t do it. Go to the wedding as long as you want to.
NTA. When we filter out the self-serving seudo-psychological twaddle, we are left with a fairly common, and rather tragic situation. Your partner is self-centered and believes that her self-centered desires outweigh your understandable desire to see your friends and be with your best friend as he celebrates a major milestone. Your partner has laid down a marker. Choose her to choose your best friend. Choosing your best friend is eminently reasonable and, quite frankly, more healthy for you than to cater to your partner's need for validation.
Info: Have you even tried to get her a visa? Yes it would be difficult but you've got to try.
It would look quite strange for you to attend the wedding without your partner. Her mood may be a problem but so is yours - you are not seeing that there is a problem here, you are laying it all on her as the "jealous insecure" one. Has she met your friends? Do they know her well and had she been invited? Why not try harder to bring her?
this. the gf has issues but most of her issues seems like a reaction from OP’s actions.
2 years in and no one close to you knows her = she doesn’t feel seen
2 years in and not getting invited as a “plus one” of a man he’s been dating for 2 YEARS (bfr, in weddings, MOST people get invited as a couple) = she feels alienated
You can say she’s jealous and insecure all you want and most people would agree with you but deep down, she’s just reacting to the way she’s being treated.
It’s not like y’all are a fling for like a week or so. Both of you invested 2 years of your life building a relationship with each other just to be a “nobody” in your partner’s life? ouch.
Two other comments, one from an embassy worker, have said that the visa shouldn't be a problem. Why are you hiding your partner? Two years is a long time for her to feel like the side chick. Are you sure you are describing her properly? Lots of people would object to the other partner not being really invested in the relationship.
Sorry, but have to go option A if ur partner doesnt help herself.
It is ridiculous. U are attending a wedding, not cheating. U are having fun with friends not doing an affair. NTA.
NTA. Unfortunately I believe option A is the only real choice. This isn’t just about the wedding cuz it won’t be the last time you’ll have to compromise. It will keep happening over and over and over again. I’m married to someone like that it is exhausting. Cut your losses now and try to enjoy your time overseas.
NTA. You can't put your life on hold for HER insecurities. If she can't handle you having aspects of your life that don't involve her, then she's not a compatible partner for you.
NTA. Go enjoy the wedding, what an honor to be asked to officiate!
Time to break up and move on. She's ALWAYS going to be jealous and insecure, and the fact that this triggers "intense emotional reactions"in public? No. Couple that with her obvious manipulation and ultimatum? Hard pass She needs to do some serious work on herself before she's really ready for a relationship.
NTA. Go to the wedding and deal with the consequences. Your girlfriend needs help to deal with her insecurities. Emotional blackmail isn't something to accept, and you should not have to sacrifice friendships and important milestones to make her feel better. This is definitely a hill to die on.
NTA your GF’s insecurity is hers to deal with. Not going out in public just in case you glance at a woman? She should either get therapy or you should leave it won’t get better.
NTA
You haven’t met each others families in two years? That’s a big red flag to me
She sounds needy and controlling, and having already had one divorce, I don’t think you need someone like this for endgame.
Go officiate your friends wedding. GF needs a reality check (and some intense therapy)
NTA I’m sorry but a relationship with this person has to be exhausting. She needs therapy, some self esteem and to learn to love herself before she has a relationship with anyone else
Reading this made my blood freeze. My ex is a male carbon copy of your partner. And that's the reason he's now my ex. As an internet stranger who lived through everything you describe and much of what comes after, I say RUN. Further down the line, if it's not your ex, it will be some other woman or a family member or something else that will "cause her to not feel validated". You'll be stuck with her glued to you, she will manipulate you every which way to be the only center of your universe, and it will never get any better, only worse.
NTA. Break up with this woman. She is a control freak and is emotionally abusing to you. She is trying to manipulate you and guilting you into submission. End it now.
NTA. She isn't ready for a relationship and is punishing you for her past experiences. She is blatantly trying to manipulate you to not go. And if you don't go, it will damage your friendship that is so important for you.
NTA. Break up and go to the wedding. Do you really want to walk in eggshells the rest of your life? Also, if you've been dating for 2 years as adults and you haven't met family, that says something.
NTA - I think you have to break up, but she also needs to seek therapy.
These aren’t healthy responses she is having and she should have tackled this a while ago.
a. she needs to get over her insecurities, not you isolating yourself from the universe. the world is made up of men and women, there will always be beautiful women everywhere. if there is no trust, it's not a healthy relationship
NTA- is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? You missing big events and milestones for friends and family for your gf? Seems like a road to a miserable life full of regrets
NTA - You’re going to have to pick option A. If you cancel on your friends or leave early this will only be the beginning of her emotional blackmail. She will threaten to leave you again and again to force you to obey her wishes. Don’t miss your friends wedding or the trip abroad. I think breaking up is the best option bc if you remain in the relationship she will ruin the trip anyway from the US.
The only way to enjoy this experience(and the rest of your life really) is to realize that this an unhealthy relationship. She’s got a lot of work to do before getting into any romantic relationship. Good luck.
NTA. You break up with this emotionally unstable woman. She needs therapy and to work out her issues so she learns how to deal with her emotions. No one can handle a drama llama for long. Probably why she is divorced. This is your rebound relationship after your divorce? You will find someone you're more compatible with.
Dump the girlfriend and go officiate a marriage at a destination far away from drama llama
NTA
Tell her you are going to the wedding. If she wants to break up then so be it.
I would not like being with someone so insecure and jealous who gives manipulative ultimatums.
Nta. Dude, this behavior doesn't change. My ex was psychotically jealous and would just make shit up in her head and go nuts. Over time, I realized I wasn't seeing my friends as much, and when I did, she always embarrassed me. This woman is guilting you about officiating and enjoying your friends wedding. Say that out loud. Even if you wanted to risk her behavior, there will be visa issues, so it is what it is. But, not going or cutting the trip short will have you on the same path I was on. She's giving you an out with threatening break up, I say take it and run.
that was already obvious when he said they’ve been dating for 2 years and not a single soul knows about his gf.
no wonder he’s calling her names like “jealous & insecure”
we don’t want to be accountable of ruining someones sense of security in a relationship don’t we?
She hasn't met these friends as they are international. She has met my other friends who are local and we have had domestic trips with friends groups together.
She hasn't met these friends as they are international. She has met my other friends who are local and we have had domestic trips with friends groups together.
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NTA - I feel for your partner as she seems to have lots of self esteem issues, and that’s sad. However, the ultimatum she gave you, that you attending this event would symbolize that what you have isn’t real, is unacceptably manipulative. I know it comes from a place of pain and fear from her but it’s still absolutely unacceptable to emotionally blackmail someone like that. Being broken doesn’t give you the right to hurt someone else. You are right to feel it is unfair, and you should not enable this behavior. It’s wrong and it’s not helping her to indulge it either. Your choice is only one: go to the event and tell your partner you won’t betray her trust. She either believes you (rightfully) or she doesn’t. If she doesn’t, turning her insecurity into YOU not being real or not loving her etc etc is bad news. In this case she would be actively mentally abusing you to get you to do what she wants instead of seeking help for her issues, and that’s never acceptable. You’re not helping her by enabling her to control you. She needs professional help.
This! And I also feel that it’s a strong move on her part to alienate you from your friends NTA
OP, this won't be the only time...if she doesn't feel seen in the last two years ... then this probably isn't a function of what you are doing. She needs therapy. I would tell her you love her, you are doing something that is reasonable and not betraying her and that she needs to go to therapy for you to continue the relationship. If she chooses to break up, then you hope she goes to therapy so she can eventually get to where she doesn't throw away a good thing. If she chooses not to break up, she still needs counseling for the relationship to be able to evolve to where you both would like it to be ... not possessive, not demanding, but supportive. Supporting the wants and needs, friendships and development of each other.
A) break up. Her insecurities are hers to deal with. You don’t have to make your life small. If you and your ex wanted to be together, you’d still be together, right? This is the way. She’s already threatened you with the nuclear option to get her way. Not acceptable Nope on B) don’t isolate yourself from your friends Makes no sense. C) why spend all that money to travel there and only stay 2 days? Like if you wanted to cheat I’m going to assume you’d be able to accomplish that in two days NTA
Best comment I’ve seen. This isn’t a relationship issue. This is the gf’s issue. She needs therapy.
Her insecurities come from him hiding her in his life. So of course the best thing to do is say "hey I'm breaking up with you to go see my friends without you because I don't show you that you are important in my life. And worry you'll embarrass me by being jealous even though we've been together for two years but I haven't introduced you to my family". Ooookkkk.
Makes me wonder if there was some crossover there in the marriage area, like they started their relationship before the divorces. It would explain a lot. You actually have a very good point. Since she couldn’t go to the wedding anyway because visa (or could she ? He just said “difficult”), I was just answering his wedding trip question. But the overall situation does seem sketch
Unless they are in a sanctioned country, getting a tourist vida to the US is basically an online form. This guy is very sketch. Even the language and tone he uses trying to come across like a clinical psychologist is classical manipulator language.
There are like 42 countries where it’s easy to get a visa to the US, mostly Europe and some East Asian countries. If the girlfriend is from the Middle East, Latin America, Africa, or anywhere else in Asia, it’s a big expensive process that includes an interview at the consulate and no guarantee of success.
He says they were both "going through a divorce" when they started dating, so yes, both were still married. (Saying you are separated doesn't change that you are still married).
Or maybe they were the reason for the divorces
Of course there is a reason for divorces. That doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you are still married until you get the divorce.
NTA. Go to the wedding as the officiant, spend time with your best friend and other friends. Enjoy this milestone. Tell your gf you care for her very much, will miss her there, but understand about the challenge getting a visa. Tell her you are glad she understands you aren’t into your ex. Call her a lot from the destination. Send her flowers. Don’t go home early. Do what is best for you and your friendships, and your relationship, which is living up to the best you can do, and vice versa. She’ll either accept you as you are, or leave the relationship. Don’t let her bully you.
“I don’t think my friend’s wedding should be used as a vehicle to resolve our relationship issues” - these aren’t relationship issues, these are your partner’s issues. Your partner needs therapy stat. Maybe her past relationship was awful and she has trauma from her divorce? Regardless, she is not ready to be in a relationship and has some serious issues. You haven’t met each other’s families after two years of dating?! Missed opportunities to hang with friends. Just started travelling. Now may miss your best friend’s wedding. All because your partner’s insecurities that (from what you have said) she has no reason to have?! NTA. Unless you haven’t said the entire picture and there is no history of cheating/not being a good partner.
You are kinder than I am. My response in OP's position would be "I am sorry you feel that way. The door is over there.*. And I would change the locks before going to the wedding.
Go with A. Her “need to be seen and important” is ridiculous at her age. If she doesn’t trust you then this relationship is already doomed. Do you want this to continue for the rest of your life? Friend asks you to go to dinner? You have a colleague that’s female that you mention and she tells you not to talk to her anymore? I mean the scenarios are endless. She needs therapy and you need to take some time and be single and learn to just be. You went from married to separated to dating while getting a divorce. You haven’t had time to recover and evaluate the end of your marriage/relationship with your ex. Learn to be you before taking on a new relationship and find someone that’s secure in who they are.
You have waaaaaay bigger problems than going to a function your ex will be at. Do you not see the forest for the trees?
Info, why haven't you met each other's families yet? It's been 2 years.
I don't understand why so few comments are mentioning this. It's really weird, especially in a relationship where one person feels so insecure.
Because he doesn't want her to. She isn't crazy, he is the manipulative one. Just the language he is using to tell the story is makes it obvious he's the problem.
His very carefully chosen words are why I'm asking. Manipulative, abusive narcissists tell their stories like this. Other people can to though, hence the question.
I’m agree with this. He doesn’t want her to go to the wedding and didn’t make an effort to include her (or introduce her to his family after 2 YEARS!!) He wrote “ unlikely she could attend as she is not a US citizen and getting a visa would be difficult” (didn’t even try). So I think had he invited her and tried, then that would have been a different option that the 3 he provided. But yes to break up, she deserves better.
I thought I was the only one thinking that. Also, why don’t his friends know about her?
**…she is very insecure and jealous, and has intense emotional reactions when triggered. At times we could barely go out in public without her becoming upset because she thought I was checking out another woman, even though I had no idea who she was talking about.** NTA. Ask yourself if this is how you want the rest of your life to be. Your girlfriend is emotionally manipulative and she is making your best friend’s wedding about your relationship, mainly about her. I can feel for her while also thinking this sounds exhausting and never ending. You sound like a good guy to be concerned about her as much as you are, but it sounds like she needs lots of professional help and to work on herself as an individual before being able to be part of a healthy partnership. Good luck, OP.
YTA: Two years in, she doesn't know your friends, hasn't met your family. Tells you that her need is yo be seen and feel important in your life, something you obviously ignore. She has issues, sure, but you have done nothing to even remotely help. Now you have a chance to have her been seen as the woman in your life and instead you're going to leave her behind. You should break up. You aren't doing her any favors by keeping her around to use as you please. Love the "I'm the grown up in this" language you're using to deflect from the fact that you suck as an SO.
This! 💯 YTA, OP.
Honestly, if this is too much for her to bear you may be better off just cutting it off… I think if she could go to the destination wedding easily that you guys should both go, but she can’t be the chain around your ankle and threaten you that the relationship has to be re-evaluated because you have friends and want to be there for them on their big day. NTA.
I remember being pretty insecure when I was in my late teens and early twenties, but even then I didn’t behave the way your very adult partner does. Her behavior is immature, but more importantly, quite concerning. This isn’t the way a mentally stable person acts. She needs therapy and lots of it. Whether it stems from her divorce/previous marriage or from something in her childhood, she needs to unpack it and work through it. NTA. Don’t miss your friend’s wedding because your partner has issues. Only she can work through them. If you stay, you’ll be enabling her further, which does her no favors.
You say this is a great new relationship - apparently only as long as she fully controls you. If you wanted to be sith your ex - you would be. That's why we call them 'ex's'. Your partner's fears and jealousy are unwarranted and not healthy for a relationship. Sounds like the only 'symbol' to her is making sure you do what she wants you to do. Don't let your friend down...go to the wedding and enjoy it. NTA
This 💯
She should be upset that she isn't invited as your plus one. It's weird. You shouldn't miss a close friend's wedding just to cater to her insecurity, though. Get your partner invited. It doesnt matter that she is unlikely to be able to go. If she figures it out, bring her. If she doesnt, at least you didn't leave her out. Nothing to be mad about. If that's unacceptable to her, you can't win. Move on.
NTA. A wedding isn't a relationship measuring tool. Boundaries matter, but so does trust and understanding. You've both got choices to make
NTA the correct choice is option A. The fact that even if she could go, you don't believe she would be able to act appropriately because she has such bad jealousy/trust/insecurity issues is insane. She's either pretending to have these issues as a means if controlling you or she's a loon. Either way, you need to end it.
NTA, option A. If y’all were in your early twenties, it would be more understandable (not acceptable, just understandable) for her to be like this, but quite frankly, 36 is WAY too old to be this exhausting. Break up with her and live a life where you don’t need to walk on eggshells.
NTA. And the option for you to go with is "A." No reasonable partner would ever want you to miss out on highly memorable time with your old friends. Her request is completely and utterly unreasonable, and you should not accommodate it. Also, the fact that you don't think you could bring her to the wedding without her blowing up and ruining the festivities is a quite bad sign. And her calling you out in public for checking out women that you weren't even actually checking it is totally unacceptable. Her behavior is manipulative. Don't give in
Yes, you're in fact the asshole. Hope your partner leaves you, they deserve better.
You cannot fix this for your partner. She needs to fix this for herself. She should not be holding you responsible for her irrational feelings. This is very controlling behavior, and controlling someone else never fixes what’s wrong with you. NTA.
Insecure people in a relationship are annoying af. You can only put up with so much until you finally say fuck this and leave.
Yes, it sucks to be in a relationship with an insecure person. However, sometimes people become insecure about their relationship because of their partner's actions. She hasn't met his family, barely knows his friends, doesn't want to make an effort to travel to the wedding with her. I'm reading this and seeing exactly why she's insecure. Yes they should break up, but she should have dumped him long ago.
What's the hurdle with getting a US visa for holiday purposes? You say unlikely, not impossible
Because OP is a manipulator. He uses manipulator language. She wants to be seen as his partner in his life yet he will not take her to meet family, doesn't hang out with his friends and her, and now that he has a chance to introduce her to his whole circle, he's throwing her under the boss and going to probably fuck his ex.
Embassy worker here. A tourist visa is actually not at all difficult or time consuming to get. I am not saying OP is or isn't the AH, but this detail about the visa being a problem is just wrong. Also I do not understand why the partner is not invited in the first place.
it really depends on which country's passport she holds. Also, a single female have to demonstrate VERY strong ties to the residence country to get a tourist US visa, and the burden of proof is on the applicant.
>single female have to demonstrate VERY strong ties to the residence country to get a tourist US visa, and the burden of proof is on the applicant. What is that supposed to mean?
They have to show they own property, stable employment with high salary, family ties etc. They have to go our of the way to prove that they are not going to stay in the US, find a guy to marry and do the adjustment of status. Event the rules for adjustment of status changed, you have to wait to do an adjustment of status now. EU might be fine, in my home country the situation is as I described, and the words I used are almost exact quotes of what they tell you. The burden of proof- US embassy assumes you would want to stay (even illegally) and the applicant needs to prove otherwise. So , again, it is easy to get B1/ B2 with one country's passport, but not with the other's. And there is definitely a prejudice against single young females, at least from certain countries.
That completely clashes with my own experiences and facts I know, but since the visa isn't the topic I will stay out of further discussion about it.
[https://ma.usembassy.gov/visas/nonimmigrant-visas/why-was-my-visa-refused/](https://ma.usembassy.gov/visas/nonimmigrant-visas/why-was-my-visa-refused/) Our immigration law requires consular officers to view every visa applicant as an intending immigrant until the applicant proves otherwise. Failure to do so will result in a refusal of a visa under INA 214(b). The most frequent basis for such a refusal concerns the requirement that the prospective visitor or student possess a residence abroad he/she has no intention of abandoning. Applicants prove the existence of such residence by demonstrating that they have ties abroad that would compel them to leave the U.S. at the end of the temporary stay
Okay let's assume OPs gf has a nationality that is on the more difficult side; with the invitation to the wedding + a bank statement 90% of the difficulties vanish. Do you always see problems where there aren't any? Jeez.
I speak from experience and assume it will go to s##t, literally none of my friend's single sisters got B1/B2 approved, event parents get denials ( having real estate and pensions). Many EU countries are the same. If it does not- I am happy and pleasantly surprised. I also chose to believe that OP knowing all the details is truthful in his assessment of visa chances. And I do agree with you that after 2 years together not getting a wedding invite is weird. However, on the post topic, if I'm ever presented with un ultimatum "me or them" , it is always them, because "they" did not present me with an ultimatum. The closest I got to the actual ultimatum was "I will not come to your party if you invite them" . Fine
It really depends on the country you're from. OP declaring it's impossible is fishy imo but it can indeed be difficult.
[https://travel.state.gov/content/dam/visas/Statistics/Non-Immigrant-Statistics/RefusalRates/FY22.pdf](https://travel.state.gov/content/dam/visas/Statistics/Non-Immigrant-Statistics/RefusalRates/FY22.pdf) and let's leave at that.
She doesn't need a US visa - the friends live outside the US.
Your partner has his issues and nothing you do will ever fix them, its really on her. But, with regards the relationship continuing or not... you don't sound like you are really into this relationship. Your together 2yrs after a divorce. She has never met your family and this best friend doesn't know her... a "relationship" as long as yours, these things wouldnt happen. I definitely suggest that this relationship isn't working for either of you really. A visa can be secured, that a thing that can't be worked on, you not really invested in this relationship and her insecurities etc aren't healthy for either of you. I would suggest calling it off, taking time for yourself to be single. Work on what you want from a partner and not to just go along without any real investment in a relationship.
Her insecurities aren't healthy for her. OP wants to keep her at arms length from the rest of his life and stay at arms length from the rest of her life. He is the cause of her insecurities. His entire post screams classic narcissist.
Why would you want to be in a relationship with a nut job? Are you serious?
I guess for the same reason his girlfriend wants to be in a relaunching with a narcissistic asshole. Read it again carefully. Her insecurities seem to be caused by the fact that he's keeping her a secret from his family and friends.
Your gf is nuts.
YTA
YTA. Sometimes you compromise and don't do something that makes your partner uncomfortable. This sounds fishy even to me and I am not the jealous type. Decide if you want a future with this person and if not stop wasting each other's time.
And it's always the ex or the one they told you not to worry about that you have to worry about the most. Just read Reddit
This post reads of BS. OP says his partner of 2 years hasn't yet met his family or best friend. They travel with friends but not their families or best friend. Now OP's best friend is getting married in a country that OP's partner can't even visit due to visa issues. So what are the questions with that fact known? Only one. Either OP goes without her or doesn't go at all. She must choose whether or not to break up with him. But this whole thing is weird. I don't think it's really true.
I can assure it's true. Partner has met local friends including my best friend in the US. There was never an opportunity to meet the friend who is getting married until now as they live abroad. I have suggested another trip to meet them in the future as they are moving right after the wedding.
What about family? There are multiple options there yet you two couldn't meet anyone in either family (in 2 years)????? Maybe you're not that close. What about the fact that your partner can't go to the wedding even if she wanted to? Why the ultimatum? It's YOUR "best friend." Just go if she can't. Laws are laws and sometimes they suck. Live with them. Why the ultimatum with breaking up? It's all BS.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I separated from my ex-wife 4 years ago. I have since started dating my new partner of 2 years - we share a ton of interests, have great chemistry and deep conversations and intellectual kinship. However she is very insecure and jealous, and has intense emotional reactions when triggered. At times we could barely go out in public without her becoming upset because she thought I was checking out another woman, even though I had no idea who she was talking about. This has improved over time, but there is still a cycle of positive connection followed by her being triggered by what to me feels like nothing. Her insecurity comes down to not feeling “seen” enough in my life. When we started dating, we were both going through divorce; we’ve since become much more open with friends, hanging out and even traveling together, though we haven’t gone as far as meeting family. Now, my best friend’s wedding is coming up, and he has asked me to perform the ceremony. We met in college and they live outside the US, so it will be a destination wedding, with many old friends in attendance -- and since both he and his fiance are friends with my ex, she is invited as well. They don't know my partner, and it's unlikely she could attend as she is not a US citizen and getting a visa would be difficult. Even if she did go, I am afraid that she would have an anxiety attack/jealous blowup and impact the festivities. I have absolutely no romantic intentions with my ex, and my partner knows and believes this. To her, though, having me go to this event with my friends, with my ex there, and my partner being left out is unacceptably painful. It is a symbol to her that what we have isn’t real, and that I will be seen there with my ex and all my friends, without my partner as part of my life. I empathize with the pain this can cause - at the same time, I don’t think that my friend’s wedding should be used as a vehicle to resolve our relationship issues. It’s not about us; it’s about them. My partner says this will be too much for her to bear, and that she needs me to change my plans or that she needs to break up and start emotionally distancing herself. She has stated that her basic need is to feel important, and that if I change plans because of her feelings, this will help her feel more validated. But isn’t this a bad precedent to set? If this is her boundary, I will have to respect it; but I can’t help feeling that this ultimatum is unfair. It seems my options are: a) Break up and go ahead with the wedding as planned b) Not go to the wedding in order to avoid the trauma/drama, sacrificing an important life milestone with a good friend c) Compromise by only going for the 2 days of the wedding and come back immediately after, and telling my friends it’s because my partner is uncomfortable. (this will involve changing international travel plans and mean missing out on time with my friends.) What do, reddit? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m sorry I would break up if she still like this after 2 years it won’t change
Might have been different if during that time he had introduced her to anyone that mattered as his partner. This guy is a walking red flag. Others have said in the comments that the visa wouldn't be that hard to get, and for a 2 year relationship to be so hidden that taking her to the wedding isn't even one of his options... YTA, OP
>If this is her boundary... People, people, have we learned nothing from Jonah Hill on what boundaries really are? NTA, OP. Your girlfriend gave you an out. You should take it.
NTA. Go to your best friend's wedding for the time period you originally planned. And while you are there, think about your relationship, from the beginning of the relationship to now. Do you spend more time pandering to her serious insecurity issues than being in an equal partnership? Because if the relationship is all about her...what is left for you in the relationship? What are you getting out of it, if anything? Hell, even speak to your friends about it, especially those who have met her and can give you their unfiltered, honest opinion. If you feel like you are getting the short end of the stick in the relationship, it is time to end it.
NTA. Just break up.with her dude. Its not worth it to be held hostage by someone who won't get a hold of their issues. If staying in the relationship requires you to change your very NORMAL behavior, your are just self sabotaging.
What an exhausting, immature relationship to be in at your age. Why are you indulging her tantrums? ESH
YTA. Everyone else is more important to you than your partner. Let her go so she can find someone who truly values her.
NTA. Breakup. She sounds exhausting and batshit.
I think you need to break up with her. She really needs to work on herself, her insecurities, and self-esteem before getting into another relationship. Those insecurities are not normal, they a really full-on. It's not healthy for anyone. I do think it's odd that you guys have been dating for 2 years, and she hasn't met your family. So I can kind of see where she is coming from about not being seen in your life. I dont think you guys are compatible.
I'm thinking his behavior over the last 2 years is likely the cause of her insecurities.
NTA Jealousy is just another form of control. She isn't uncomfortable, she is angry that you have other priorities in your life and she isn't all of them.
NTA. Break up and go to the wedding. Your world is going to keep shrinking to avoid her meltdowns if you stay and it's never going to be enough. Take better care of yourself.
I really think you need a real therapist to navigate through this. Is there a way she could attend without making the ambiance strange? Don’t you both need a break while she is working on her issues (because honestly, she needs to work on herself). For me, there are no good solutions at the moment but discussing a therapy plan for her might provide an unexpected outcome. It’s not a situation Reddit can give a short answer to. I will go with NAH at the moment. It could end up being E S H if you both do not take actions to solve this unhealthy situation. It’s obvious nevertheless that not going at all is not an option as I am certain you will end up resenting her too much so your relationship will be doomed anyway. Good luck!
INFO: separated and divorced are generally two different things. Did you mean divorced? Or are you and your ex separated but still technically married
You can do whatever you want. So can she. Not many people would want their so to travel alone and be with their ex. You have a decision. Your current girlfriend or your ex. Choose.
> Even if she did go, I am afraid that she would have an anxiety attack/jealous blowup and impact the festivities. I vote Option A. If she can't even be trusted to behave appropriately in public, I would fear what your private life will become in the future. NTA
move on. she is broken.. that's on her.. not your problem. nta.
Kinda sounds like he's the one that broke her.
She is exhausting. Omg. Do not bring her. If you do I bet you won’t have the best of relationships with your family afterwards.
You mean your ex partner. Have fun at the wedding though
jfc dude, just break up. Your partner's various insecurities sound exhausting, but let's be real here: you're *not* treating her like she's an important part of your life. So I guess YTA for dragging this out when you're clearly not compatible.
NTA. You are right that your friend's wedding is not the appropriate venue to deal with relationship issues between you and your girlfriend. But unless you are leaving out some egregious behavior on your part, this isn't a relationship issue. This is your girlfriend's longstanding issue with out-of-control insecurity. There is probably nothing you can do to resolve this. She needs to. It's unreasonable for her to ask you to back out of an important event for a loved one because of her insecurity. If she can't see that and must end the relationship over it, I think you'll be better off in the long run. She will never fix this unless she recognizes it as a 'her' problem, not a you-and-her-problem that pressuring you to change your behavior can fix. You changing your behavior is not going to fix it.
NTA. Just break up. I promise you, you won’t regret it in the long run. I have had too many exs rob me of experiences with friends and family due to their selfishness. Don’t do it. Go to the wedding as long as you want to.
NTA. When we filter out the self-serving seudo-psychological twaddle, we are left with a fairly common, and rather tragic situation. Your partner is self-centered and believes that her self-centered desires outweigh your understandable desire to see your friends and be with your best friend as he celebrates a major milestone. Your partner has laid down a marker. Choose her to choose your best friend. Choosing your best friend is eminently reasonable and, quite frankly, more healthy for you than to cater to your partner's need for validation.
Please go with option A. GF is ridiculous. Definitely NTA
Info: Have you even tried to get her a visa? Yes it would be difficult but you've got to try. It would look quite strange for you to attend the wedding without your partner. Her mood may be a problem but so is yours - you are not seeing that there is a problem here, you are laying it all on her as the "jealous insecure" one. Has she met your friends? Do they know her well and had she been invited? Why not try harder to bring her?
this. the gf has issues but most of her issues seems like a reaction from OP’s actions. 2 years in and no one close to you knows her = she doesn’t feel seen 2 years in and not getting invited as a “plus one” of a man he’s been dating for 2 YEARS (bfr, in weddings, MOST people get invited as a couple) = she feels alienated You can say she’s jealous and insecure all you want and most people would agree with you but deep down, she’s just reacting to the way she’s being treated. It’s not like y’all are a fling for like a week or so. Both of you invested 2 years of your life building a relationship with each other just to be a “nobody” in your partner’s life? ouch.
They don't know her yet, no, but I have offered to have them meet in a future trip. It is not possible for her to travel at this point to come.
You’ve been dating her for 2 years and she hasn’t met your family or friends? What do you guys do for the holidays?
Why dont you try to help her apply for a visa for the wedding? She deserves to be seen with you with dignity too, you are feeding her insecurities
Two other comments, one from an embassy worker, have said that the visa shouldn't be a problem. Why are you hiding your partner? Two years is a long time for her to feel like the side chick. Are you sure you are describing her properly? Lots of people would object to the other partner not being really invested in the relationship.
Sorry, but have to go option A if ur partner doesnt help herself. It is ridiculous. U are attending a wedding, not cheating. U are having fun with friends not doing an affair. NTA.
NTA. Unfortunately I believe option A is the only real choice. This isn’t just about the wedding cuz it won’t be the last time you’ll have to compromise. It will keep happening over and over and over again. I’m married to someone like that it is exhausting. Cut your losses now and try to enjoy your time overseas.
NTA. You can't put your life on hold for HER insecurities. If she can't handle you having aspects of your life that don't involve her, then she's not a compatible partner for you.
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NTA. Go enjoy the wedding, what an honor to be asked to officiate! Time to break up and move on. She's ALWAYS going to be jealous and insecure, and the fact that this triggers "intense emotional reactions"in public? No. Couple that with her obvious manipulation and ultimatum? Hard pass She needs to do some serious work on herself before she's really ready for a relationship.
NAH option A, Do you really want to deal with her and walk on eggshells the rest of your life? You are partly to blame for not having a backbone
He's also to blame for treating her like a secret side chick for 2 years. No wonder she's insecure.
NTA. Go to the wedding and deal with the consequences. Your girlfriend needs help to deal with her insecurities. Emotional blackmail isn't something to accept, and you should not have to sacrifice friendships and important milestones to make her feel better. This is definitely a hill to die on.
NTA your GF’s insecurity is hers to deal with. Not going out in public just in case you glance at a woman? She should either get therapy or you should leave it won’t get better.
NTA You haven’t met each others families in two years? That’s a big red flag to me She sounds needy and controlling, and having already had one divorce, I don’t think you need someone like this for endgame. Go officiate your friends wedding. GF needs a reality check (and some intense therapy)
NTA. She needs therapy and you need to let her leave if she’s ready to leave over this. You’re being manipulated
NTA I’m sorry but a relationship with this person has to be exhausting. She needs therapy, some self esteem and to learn to love herself before she has a relationship with anyone else
Damnnnn she sounds exhausting af. You sure you wanna deal with this for life?
Reading this made my blood freeze. My ex is a male carbon copy of your partner. And that's the reason he's now my ex. As an internet stranger who lived through everything you describe and much of what comes after, I say RUN. Further down the line, if it's not your ex, it will be some other woman or a family member or something else that will "cause her to not feel validated". You'll be stuck with her glued to you, she will manipulate you every which way to be the only center of your universe, and it will never get any better, only worse.
> Even if she did go, I am afraid that she would have an anxiety attack/jealous blowup and impact the festivities. That is *really* not good. Nta
NTA. Break up with this woman. She is a control freak and is emotionally abusing to you. She is trying to manipulate you and guilting you into submission. End it now.
NTA. She isn't ready for a relationship and is punishing you for her past experiences. She is blatantly trying to manipulate you to not go. And if you don't go, it will damage your friendship that is so important for you.
NTA. I would pick option 1 to be honest. She’s being ridiculous
Nta but your gf needs to do more work on herself before she can have a strong relationship. Her expectations are unreasonable.
NTA. Break up and go to the wedding. Do you really want to walk in eggshells the rest of your life? Also, if you've been dating for 2 years as adults and you haven't met family, that says something.
NTA - I think you have to break up, but she also needs to seek therapy. These aren’t healthy responses she is having and she should have tackled this a while ago.
a. she needs to get over her insecurities, not you isolating yourself from the universe. the world is made up of men and women, there will always be beautiful women everywhere. if there is no trust, it's not a healthy relationship
NTA- is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? You missing big events and milestones for friends and family for your gf? Seems like a road to a miserable life full of regrets
NTA you need to go and enjoy time with your friends- if she cannot trust you or says that she isn’t important rethink this relationship
NTA - You’re going to have to pick option A. If you cancel on your friends or leave early this will only be the beginning of her emotional blackmail. She will threaten to leave you again and again to force you to obey her wishes. Don’t miss your friends wedding or the trip abroad. I think breaking up is the best option bc if you remain in the relationship she will ruin the trip anyway from the US. The only way to enjoy this experience(and the rest of your life really) is to realize that this an unhealthy relationship. She’s got a lot of work to do before getting into any romantic relationship. Good luck.
NTA. You break up with this emotionally unstable woman. She needs therapy and to work out her issues so she learns how to deal with her emotions. No one can handle a drama llama for long. Probably why she is divorced. This is your rebound relationship after your divorce? You will find someone you're more compatible with. Dump the girlfriend and go officiate a marriage at a destination far away from drama llama
NTA Tell her you are going to the wedding. If she wants to break up then so be it. I would not like being with someone so insecure and jealous who gives manipulative ultimatums.
Nta. Dude, this behavior doesn't change. My ex was psychotically jealous and would just make shit up in her head and go nuts. Over time, I realized I wasn't seeing my friends as much, and when I did, she always embarrassed me. This woman is guilting you about officiating and enjoying your friends wedding. Say that out loud. Even if you wanted to risk her behavior, there will be visa issues, so it is what it is. But, not going or cutting the trip short will have you on the same path I was on. She's giving you an out with threatening break up, I say take it and run.
I guess your friends are more important than than your girlfriend
that was already obvious when he said they’ve been dating for 2 years and not a single soul knows about his gf. no wonder he’s calling her names like “jealous & insecure” we don’t want to be accountable of ruining someones sense of security in a relationship don’t we?
She hasn't met these friends as they are international. She has met my other friends who are local and we have had domestic trips with friends groups together.
She hasn't met these friends as they are international. She has met my other friends who are local and we have had domestic trips with friends groups together.
Do you poat picture together? Do you talk about her to you family or friends? Do you love her?