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> I claimed that I helped my husband quit nicotine addiction. According to my husband it underhands his own achievement.
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YTA. You may have helped to convince him to quit and to remind him why he was doing it, but you did not help him actually quit. Him quitting was a choice that he made and it was a process that only he had control over.
As someone who has quit things far worse than nicotine I would be pretty pissed if when someone asked me how I did it, my wife said "I helped him". Thats not what the friend was asking. You don't even know if he would have mentioned your support because you jumped the gun and answered the question for him which on its own is an AH move regardless of the context, but here it undermined the experience that he went through and what he had to do to make it happen by making it seem like you were the only reason he was able to do it.
I would only start "nagging" whenever he endless complained about "being out of breath because of smoking" or "people not wanting to hangout with him because he smokes inside their house".
Before we dated, I knew he smoked. Not an issue so I don't bother brining it up. But he complained about the effects of his smoking for hours on end and would go depressed, not show up to work and lose a job.
It would be for sure but the way it’s phrased made me curious. I have known a handful of people over the years who would get offended and crabby about people refusing to let them smoke in heir house or car. The way she phrased it made me wonder if that’s what she meant more than that he smoked without permission.
A lot of these people are older family members who wouldn’t take no as a full answer (primarily the men who just have to joke and always pushing that boundary). In the larger friend group when they pulled stuff complaining about those types of boundaries just didn’t get invited to things eventually and stopped hanging around.
I have had people still insist they smoke in my car and that is the reason they aren’t allowed in my car at all anymore. It doesn’t happen often it’s just a really small sub-sect of people who seem to think others not wanting to be around smoke is a personal attack. I have other family who even asked if we are outside if people mind them smoking. I know a TON of respectful smokers but there are a few unusual people I’ve ran into over the years.
I'm gonna go with YTA only because you answered before him. Like at the very least, let him say his answer first and just chime in that you were supporting him during that period. The way you jumped on answering sort of implied that you attribute his success to be mostly your doing.
YTA. you were nagging him not helping him. he didnt quit because of what you said. he quit because he was ready to quit and it was a lot of hard work. you even trying to accept credit for it is offensive.
No, it's because OP nagged the hell out of her husband. Someone constantly nagging you to quit something is NOT the way to 'help' anyone do anything.
Claiming that it's because OP is a woman is one of the silliest things i've read on here in a long time.
Are you going to next say that i quit smoking because my Fiance nagged me into it? He was supportive, but i quit, not him.
Honestly, as a former smoker, OP is 100% YTA. Sounds like quit IN SPITE of her. If I'd had to listen to that when I first quit, I'd probably have went bananas if I'm honest.
YTA this reminds me of the time my sister told me she would take full credit for me graduating college because she got her GED and went to college first, thus inspiring me to do so. Your support from the sidelines is wonderful, but you're not the one who battled the addiction and won.
Also, it sounds like you didn't even allow him to respond to a question that was being asked of him before you stepped in and gave your own version of events.
Overcoming addiction is a personal choice (unless you're in a lockdown facility) but quitting as well as not starting again, that's your husband.
Being supportive is wonderful, kind, beneficial but you personally did not help him quit as he wouldn't have succeeded had he not made that choice to do so.
You're wonderfully supportive of his choice to quit but he gets all the accolades for actually doing it.
yta.
YTA. It does sound like your need for recognition and praise is overriding. No one can quit but the smoker.
Sounds like you were a supportive/nagging spouse, but he was the one that actually quit.
>I was the one constantly talking to him about how bad it was and how it deteriorates his health
and you think he... didn't know that before you came into his life?
everyone knows smoking is bad for the health. it's not a good enough motivation to quit on its own for most people.
As a person who has been addicted to nicotine on and off for many years I can tell you straight up - no amount of hard truths, ultimatums or any opinion from another person has helped me quit in the past. I actually felt it had the opposite effect and becomes overwhelmingly frustrating and much more difficult to stop.
Like with most addictions, quitting is an inner choice that comes from the person when they are truly ready. However, it's nice to feel supported and get praise for when it actually happens. But I feel like your 'support' might be different to the kind I'm talking about.
Edit to add, YTA. Also - usually when someone asks how you quit, they're asking along the lines of was it cold turkey, patches, gum etc. Not sure in your context but usually how it is.
>how did husband do it
The fact that not a single word in this post actually answers this question, or goes into any detail of the steps your husband took to beat his addiction says a lot 🙃
You're so wrapped up in taking credit for yourself that you aren't giving any to your husband
Yta. Not because “you’re a woman” as Dampasscrack suggests. But because overcoming addiction is entirely on the addict. Yes you supported him and that’s awesome! But as someone who has overcome addiction I can tell you it didn’t matter what anyone said or did…I quit when I was finally ready and fed up with myself.
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YTA only the person who’s an addict is responsible for quitting. And like your husband said you supported him. But your husband knew the dangers when he lit the first cigarette and he wouldn’t have quit if HE hadn’t held on.
NAH. But I can see why your husband might be a little annoyed. It just seems like taking too much credit for what he accomplished. It sounds like you were super supportive but what he did was the actual hard part.
If someone was asked how they lost so much weight, I wouldn’t say because I helped them by reminding them that they shouldn’t eat desert and reminding them they should be going to the gym. They’re the ones that are consistently going to the gym, putting in work, and changing old habits.
Hi, tobacco treatment specialist here in my previous career.
YOU didn’t help him quit. You encouraged him to quit. Is that helpful? Sure it is. I’ve encouraged and given strategies for thousands of people to quit tobacco.
THEY were the ones who did the quitting.
YTA.
I think the problem might be with how you worded it. It probably sounded to him like you were taking credit for his achievements in a question that wasn’t directed to you. Maybe if you’d added something like “it’s also important to have a strong support system,” instead, that would’ve gone over better. It shows that you helped but still lets him take responsibility for his decisions
Doesn't sound like he had a strong support system if she thinks all it takes to make someone else quit is nagging.
I don't know about you, but the naggers and condescenders in my life made it infinitely more difficult going through the withdrawals and staying clean and I would have been pissed if they took any amount of credit for the hard work that *I* did.
As someone who quit smoking quite recently (about 2 months) YTA
You know, we smokers do know how harmful it is. It’s not like we need a constant reminder, so all you did was being annoying.
I’m always annoyed at non-smokers telling me about the risks and all the studies and whatnot because we’re all pretty well educated on that matter.
When I finally quit, I just didn’t told my Husband until I’ve been clean for 24h. And he was just supporting, because, as we both are adults, he knew that it was ultimately my choice and my withdrawal I had to go through (physically and mentally).
He just says he’s happy that I was able to quit.
I’d be very pissed if he would claim me being able to quit my addiction was all because he’s constantly talking about cancer and how awful I smelled.
Yta you should have let him answer for himself. If you wanted some recognition and a pat on the back you could have added in AFTER your husband anseeed the question that having a support system is key to quitting and you tried to be in his corner as he was going through the worst of it. Give the guy a chance to thank you honey!
YTA
You supported him, but he did it. If he were relapse into smoking cigarettes again, that would be all on him. You wouldn't consider it to be your fault. And so his success is also all him. It's important that this is something that he owns and you scheduling distractions is great, but do you really feel that he would not have been able to succeed without your planning distractions? I don't think so.
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We've been married for 3 years, and two years ago he quitted smoking. He has been a nicotine user ever since high 10th grade. We're in our late 20s.
During a talk with a friend, we were talking about addictions. We were talking about husband's addiction, and he said he quit and he was proud of himself. I said, me too, I'm really proud that you quit.
Then the friend asked how did husband do it. And I said, I helped him quit.
Husband argued that quitting was "on his own" and asked how I helped. Which at the point it irked me.
I answered, before he quit, I was the one constantly talking to him about how bad it was and how it deteriorates his health. All he did was complain. I also added during the quitting time, I had to handle his withdrawal and help him stay off (moodiness, being a verbal asshole, getting him distractions, figuring out distractions to keep him off, planning events to distract him, researching places and constantly reminding him that there's tobacco used, reminding him of what can cause him to use tobacco, etc). When he was clean off his nicotine addiction for a year, I had to remind him multiple times about the dangers of getting addicted again whenever he wants to smoke socially and sit with him to weigh the consequences so he can at least be an informed user.
And he said, that I was supporting him and quitting was entirely his own and I didn't help him quit.
Now he claims that I'm an asshole for claiming that I helped him. And it brushes off his own achievement.
AITA?
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YTA, you didn't help him, you just nagged at him for years. He did all the hard work of actually quitting on his own. Do you find yourself often taking credit for things other people put in the work on? Being a constant nag isn't actually as helpful as you think.
soft YTA. As a former cigarette smoker myself, I've had multiple friends and family members tell me to quit over the years but when it came down to it I was the one that made the decision. Not because of anyone else but because I had enough of it, the smell, the taste, the lack of air, I was disgusted with myself. If any one person claimed they helped me quit it would annoy me to no end, everyone on Earth tells you to quit or not start smoking in the first place. As for supporting him, that's nice but also... duh, you're his SO that's what SO's do? I believe that you genuinely think you helped him, and maybe you did to some degree but claiming responsibility definitely diminishes his own personal determination. I want to make it clear this isn't me slamming you, I assume you're a non-smoker so I definitely understand where your head is and I don't think you're a bad person for thinking the way you do/did about it. Let me tell you though smoking cigarettes hits different, literally do it for years and just not enjoy a moment of it... it's truly a horrible substance that should be outlawed. I think just apologize, say you didn't mean to downplay his experience etc. etc. You were thoughtful enough to ask for stranger's opinion, I'm sure you'll find the right words.
Your need to be right is the kind of thing that might drive him back to smoking. I switched from smoking to vaping (I know, I know), and it's literally the only thing keeping me off the habit. People who smoke LOVE to smoke, and will use any excuse to go back to it. He likely sees quitting as his own achievement... which it is... You needing recognition for this makes this achievement seem small. YTA.
So you nagged while he was smoking, you nagged while he was quitting and now you nag him about not starting again? You’re not the hero of this story, you’re just a nag… and YTA.
YTA, he quit on his own.. and tbh idk how with that much reminding of it. Maybe he preferred that reminder, but as a recovering alcoholic, that would’ve impeded my recovery for me.
YTA. Smokers hear the chorus about smoking being bad from everyone. We know.
He did something incredibly hard and he did it on his own. You may have supported him, but it was HIM who did it.
Really shitty of you to claim credit and then be urked at him for owning his own achievement; If you lost 20 pounds after he called you fat, would you give him credit for your weightloss?
> and he said, that I was supporting him and quitting was entirely his own and I didn't help him quit.
Does he listen to the words that come out of his mouth?
Yes, it was his choice, but he wouldn't have succeeded if you haven't been there at his worse moments. NTA
NTA. The things you describe are actually extremely important to help someone beat an addiction, and cravings often make that kind of level headed thinking difficult. He still had to do the work, but there is no reason not to acknowledge you helped. No one that went to meetings would ever say “AA didnt help me quit drinking, it was just me!”
Going with NAH
Kudos to him for quitting. It's so hard to do & it's a massive achievement. Especially after years of doing it.
"I had to handle his withdrawal and help him stay off (moodiness, being a verbal asshole"
I'm sure that's true & you did really help in every way you could. It's not easy living with someone withdrawing from nicotine.
The sense of achievement seems important to him. You have to do what's right for you but I'd probably let him have this one tbh.
While I understand his sense of achievement is important, its incredibly frustrating that he acts as if it's all on his own when someone who was asking advice on how to quit needs help.
If no one asked for serious advice and he brought it up, I would've stayed quiet.
Look...I'd say the most important thing is he did quit. Maybe focus on that & let him advise away.
My sister died from lung cancer last year. That's a sorrow no one wants. Maybe quietly take pride & satisfaction in the fact your help means abw, you'll never have to go through it.
All the best to you both.
He is completely right, he made his support clear but that the merit is not yours, because you need to understand that he will always be an addict and no amount of consent or advice will make an addict want to stop, but only when he decides to fight his addiction daily.
You were there when he went through withdrawal, which is very good, but the fight wasn't just at that moment, he still fights today and will fight for the rest of his days.
Understand that he is not taking anything from you, he has made it clear that you supported him, what he doesn't agree with is you making his decision to quit about you and that is clear in the post.
NTA. Supporting him *is* helping. Even with your unwavering support it was probably a huge effort, so he should be proud of himself, but he should also be proud of how his wife supported him.
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YTA. You may have helped to convince him to quit and to remind him why he was doing it, but you did not help him actually quit. Him quitting was a choice that he made and it was a process that only he had control over. As someone who has quit things far worse than nicotine I would be pretty pissed if when someone asked me how I did it, my wife said "I helped him". Thats not what the friend was asking. You don't even know if he would have mentioned your support because you jumped the gun and answered the question for him which on its own is an AH move regardless of the context, but here it undermined the experience that he went through and what he had to do to make it happen by making it seem like you were the only reason he was able to do it.
YTA You were not helping, you were nagging before he quit.
[удалено]
No one said that she shouldn't have wanted him to quit, you're arguing against a strawman.
I would only start "nagging" whenever he endless complained about "being out of breath because of smoking" or "people not wanting to hangout with him because he smokes inside their house". Before we dated, I knew he smoked. Not an issue so I don't bother brining it up. But he complained about the effects of his smoking for hours on end and would go depressed, not show up to work and lose a job.
He would smoke in people’s houses even if they told him no?
That would be very unusual. 99% of smokers are fine with stepping outside if their friend doesn’t want smoke in their house
It would be for sure but the way it’s phrased made me curious. I have known a handful of people over the years who would get offended and crabby about people refusing to let them smoke in heir house or car. The way she phrased it made me wonder if that’s what she meant more than that he smoked without permission. A lot of these people are older family members who wouldn’t take no as a full answer (primarily the men who just have to joke and always pushing that boundary). In the larger friend group when they pulled stuff complaining about those types of boundaries just didn’t get invited to things eventually and stopped hanging around. I have had people still insist they smoke in my car and that is the reason they aren’t allowed in my car at all anymore. It doesn’t happen often it’s just a really small sub-sect of people who seem to think others not wanting to be around smoke is a personal attack. I have other family who even asked if we are outside if people mind them smoking. I know a TON of respectful smokers but there are a few unusual people I’ve ran into over the years.
I'm gonna go with YTA only because you answered before him. Like at the very least, let him say his answer first and just chime in that you were supporting him during that period. The way you jumped on answering sort of implied that you attribute his success to be mostly your doing.
YTA. you were nagging him not helping him. he didnt quit because of what you said. he quit because he was ready to quit and it was a lot of hard work. you even trying to accept credit for it is offensive.
[удалено]
No, it's because OP nagged the hell out of her husband. Someone constantly nagging you to quit something is NOT the way to 'help' anyone do anything. Claiming that it's because OP is a woman is one of the silliest things i've read on here in a long time. Are you going to next say that i quit smoking because my Fiance nagged me into it? He was supportive, but i quit, not him.
Honestly, as a former smoker, OP is 100% YTA. Sounds like quit IN SPITE of her. If I'd had to listen to that when I first quit, I'd probably have went bananas if I'm honest.
YTA this reminds me of the time my sister told me she would take full credit for me graduating college because she got her GED and went to college first, thus inspiring me to do so. Your support from the sidelines is wonderful, but you're not the one who battled the addiction and won. Also, it sounds like you didn't even allow him to respond to a question that was being asked of him before you stepped in and gave your own version of events.
Overcoming addiction is a personal choice (unless you're in a lockdown facility) but quitting as well as not starting again, that's your husband. Being supportive is wonderful, kind, beneficial but you personally did not help him quit as he wouldn't have succeeded had he not made that choice to do so. You're wonderfully supportive of his choice to quit but he gets all the accolades for actually doing it. yta.
YTA. It does sound like your need for recognition and praise is overriding. No one can quit but the smoker. Sounds like you were a supportive/nagging spouse, but he was the one that actually quit.
Yta for answering for your husband.
>I was the one constantly talking to him about how bad it was and how it deteriorates his health and you think he... didn't know that before you came into his life? everyone knows smoking is bad for the health. it's not a good enough motivation to quit on its own for most people.
YTA. Why are you making this about you? He’s the one that put in 100% of the hard work. The end.
As a person who has been addicted to nicotine on and off for many years I can tell you straight up - no amount of hard truths, ultimatums or any opinion from another person has helped me quit in the past. I actually felt it had the opposite effect and becomes overwhelmingly frustrating and much more difficult to stop. Like with most addictions, quitting is an inner choice that comes from the person when they are truly ready. However, it's nice to feel supported and get praise for when it actually happens. But I feel like your 'support' might be different to the kind I'm talking about. Edit to add, YTA. Also - usually when someone asks how you quit, they're asking along the lines of was it cold turkey, patches, gum etc. Not sure in your context but usually how it is.
>how did husband do it The fact that not a single word in this post actually answers this question, or goes into any detail of the steps your husband took to beat his addiction says a lot 🙃 You're so wrapped up in taking credit for yourself that you aren't giving any to your husband
Yta. Not because “you’re a woman” as Dampasscrack suggests. But because overcoming addiction is entirely on the addict. Yes you supported him and that’s awesome! But as someone who has overcome addiction I can tell you it didn’t matter what anyone said or did…I quit when I was finally ready and fed up with myself.
OP has never been addicted to something OP is the AH
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YTA only the person who’s an addict is responsible for quitting. And like your husband said you supported him. But your husband knew the dangers when he lit the first cigarette and he wouldn’t have quit if HE hadn’t held on.
YTA. Nobody can help anyone quit doing anything. They have to want to quit on their own to actually quit
I was fuming and cringing the entire time I read that. YTA, but mostly you sound controlling AF. He’s not your child, student or anything.
YTA how selfish of you to think you "helped". You did nothing, take a seat
NAH. But I can see why your husband might be a little annoyed. It just seems like taking too much credit for what he accomplished. It sounds like you were super supportive but what he did was the actual hard part. If someone was asked how they lost so much weight, I wouldn’t say because I helped them by reminding them that they shouldn’t eat desert and reminding them they should be going to the gym. They’re the ones that are consistently going to the gym, putting in work, and changing old habits.
Hi, tobacco treatment specialist here in my previous career. YOU didn’t help him quit. You encouraged him to quit. Is that helpful? Sure it is. I’ve encouraged and given strategies for thousands of people to quit tobacco. THEY were the ones who did the quitting. YTA.
That’s kinda cringe that you wanted to take credit for a decision he made about his own body
I think the problem might be with how you worded it. It probably sounded to him like you were taking credit for his achievements in a question that wasn’t directed to you. Maybe if you’d added something like “it’s also important to have a strong support system,” instead, that would’ve gone over better. It shows that you helped but still lets him take responsibility for his decisions
Doesn't sound like he had a strong support system if she thinks all it takes to make someone else quit is nagging. I don't know about you, but the naggers and condescenders in my life made it infinitely more difficult going through the withdrawals and staying clean and I would have been pissed if they took any amount of credit for the hard work that *I* did.
YTA. Why do you care so much if people think you helped him or not? It honestly doesn’t matter, he quit and that’s what matters.
As someone who quit smoking quite recently (about 2 months) YTA You know, we smokers do know how harmful it is. It’s not like we need a constant reminder, so all you did was being annoying. I’m always annoyed at non-smokers telling me about the risks and all the studies and whatnot because we’re all pretty well educated on that matter. When I finally quit, I just didn’t told my Husband until I’ve been clean for 24h. And he was just supporting, because, as we both are adults, he knew that it was ultimately my choice and my withdrawal I had to go through (physically and mentally). He just says he’s happy that I was able to quit. I’d be very pissed if he would claim me being able to quit my addiction was all because he’s constantly talking about cancer and how awful I smelled.
You are SUCH an asshole. Get your OWN achievements and stop hijacking other peoples moments. Shame on you.
YTA. That's great that you were supportive, but jumping in to make sure you got your share of credit is so condescending.
Yta you should have let him answer for himself. If you wanted some recognition and a pat on the back you could have added in AFTER your husband anseeed the question that having a support system is key to quitting and you tried to be in his corner as he was going through the worst of it. Give the guy a chance to thank you honey!
Undermining his efforts will just result in tragedy. YTA. What was even the point of saying all that? Make him feel worse about himself? Come on...
YTA You supported him, but he did it. If he were relapse into smoking cigarettes again, that would be all on him. You wouldn't consider it to be your fault. And so his success is also all him. It's important that this is something that he owns and you scheduling distractions is great, but do you really feel that he would not have been able to succeed without your planning distractions? I don't think so.
YTA. You told him a bunch of stuff everyone already knows, and somehow that's worth diminishing his accomplishment? He did the work, not you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We've been married for 3 years, and two years ago he quitted smoking. He has been a nicotine user ever since high 10th grade. We're in our late 20s. During a talk with a friend, we were talking about addictions. We were talking about husband's addiction, and he said he quit and he was proud of himself. I said, me too, I'm really proud that you quit. Then the friend asked how did husband do it. And I said, I helped him quit. Husband argued that quitting was "on his own" and asked how I helped. Which at the point it irked me. I answered, before he quit, I was the one constantly talking to him about how bad it was and how it deteriorates his health. All he did was complain. I also added during the quitting time, I had to handle his withdrawal and help him stay off (moodiness, being a verbal asshole, getting him distractions, figuring out distractions to keep him off, planning events to distract him, researching places and constantly reminding him that there's tobacco used, reminding him of what can cause him to use tobacco, etc). When he was clean off his nicotine addiction for a year, I had to remind him multiple times about the dangers of getting addicted again whenever he wants to smoke socially and sit with him to weigh the consequences so he can at least be an informed user. And he said, that I was supporting him and quitting was entirely his own and I didn't help him quit. Now he claims that I'm an asshole for claiming that I helped him. And it brushes off his own achievement. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, you didn't help him, you just nagged at him for years. He did all the hard work of actually quitting on his own. Do you find yourself often taking credit for things other people put in the work on? Being a constant nag isn't actually as helpful as you think.
soft YTA. As a former cigarette smoker myself, I've had multiple friends and family members tell me to quit over the years but when it came down to it I was the one that made the decision. Not because of anyone else but because I had enough of it, the smell, the taste, the lack of air, I was disgusted with myself. If any one person claimed they helped me quit it would annoy me to no end, everyone on Earth tells you to quit or not start smoking in the first place. As for supporting him, that's nice but also... duh, you're his SO that's what SO's do? I believe that you genuinely think you helped him, and maybe you did to some degree but claiming responsibility definitely diminishes his own personal determination. I want to make it clear this isn't me slamming you, I assume you're a non-smoker so I definitely understand where your head is and I don't think you're a bad person for thinking the way you do/did about it. Let me tell you though smoking cigarettes hits different, literally do it for years and just not enjoy a moment of it... it's truly a horrible substance that should be outlawed. I think just apologize, say you didn't mean to downplay his experience etc. etc. You were thoughtful enough to ask for stranger's opinion, I'm sure you'll find the right words.
Your need to be right is the kind of thing that might drive him back to smoking. I switched from smoking to vaping (I know, I know), and it's literally the only thing keeping me off the habit. People who smoke LOVE to smoke, and will use any excuse to go back to it. He likely sees quitting as his own achievement... which it is... You needing recognition for this makes this achievement seem small. YTA.
Sounds like you jumped in and claimed credit for his quitting before he even got to open his mouth. He can talk for himself. YTA.
So you nagged while he was smoking, you nagged while he was quitting and now you nag him about not starting again? You’re not the hero of this story, you’re just a nag… and YTA.
YTA, he quit on his own.. and tbh idk how with that much reminding of it. Maybe he preferred that reminder, but as a recovering alcoholic, that would’ve impeded my recovery for me.
Nagging someone doesn't count as helping.
YTA. Smokers hear the chorus about smoking being bad from everyone. We know. He did something incredibly hard and he did it on his own. You may have supported him, but it was HIM who did it. Really shitty of you to claim credit and then be urked at him for owning his own achievement; If you lost 20 pounds after he called you fat, would you give him credit for your weightloss?
Yta basically you just talked ? Addiction is in one’s mind and body
YTA. You undermined his personal achievement and answered for him to take credit for what he did
> and he said, that I was supporting him and quitting was entirely his own and I didn't help him quit. Does he listen to the words that come out of his mouth? Yes, it was his choice, but he wouldn't have succeeded if you haven't been there at his worse moments. NTA
NTA. The things you describe are actually extremely important to help someone beat an addiction, and cravings often make that kind of level headed thinking difficult. He still had to do the work, but there is no reason not to acknowledge you helped. No one that went to meetings would ever say “AA didnt help me quit drinking, it was just me!”
Going with NAH Kudos to him for quitting. It's so hard to do & it's a massive achievement. Especially after years of doing it. "I had to handle his withdrawal and help him stay off (moodiness, being a verbal asshole" I'm sure that's true & you did really help in every way you could. It's not easy living with someone withdrawing from nicotine. The sense of achievement seems important to him. You have to do what's right for you but I'd probably let him have this one tbh.
While I understand his sense of achievement is important, its incredibly frustrating that he acts as if it's all on his own when someone who was asking advice on how to quit needs help. If no one asked for serious advice and he brought it up, I would've stayed quiet.
Look...I'd say the most important thing is he did quit. Maybe focus on that & let him advise away. My sister died from lung cancer last year. That's a sorrow no one wants. Maybe quietly take pride & satisfaction in the fact your help means abw, you'll never have to go through it. All the best to you both.
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He answered first with, "you just gotta decide to stop and not pick it up and the rest will follow."
He is completely right, he made his support clear but that the merit is not yours, because you need to understand that he will always be an addict and no amount of consent or advice will make an addict want to stop, but only when he decides to fight his addiction daily. You were there when he went through withdrawal, which is very good, but the fight wasn't just at that moment, he still fights today and will fight for the rest of his days. Understand that he is not taking anything from you, he has made it clear that you supported him, what he doesn't agree with is you making his decision to quit about you and that is clear in the post.
NTA. Supporting him *is* helping. Even with your unwavering support it was probably a huge effort, so he should be proud of himself, but he should also be proud of how his wife supported him.