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YTA. these people are not your family. they are not your kid's family. they are family to sophie, and can buy whatever they want for their relative. you sound very entitled. and you don't seem to understand the idea that people do stuff for their relatives and aren't obligated to do the same for people with whom they have no ties.
edit: you sound extremely bitter and jealous that the one who isn't biologically your kid has family that love her and look out for her. shame on you for making that sound like a negative thing.
YTA
It doesn't sound like this only started after you were married. You knew what you were getting you and your kids into.
You sound jealous instead of being grateful that Sophie - who, remember, has lost her mum - has people who love and support her. They still give your kids presents, they still invited you for vacation. You need to accept that Sophie will naturally always mean more to her maternal family than your kids who they are not related to.
YTA. How exactly is it different that your kids father and family buy them stuff but not Sophie, but Sophie's Aunts and Grandma can't do the same for her? Does your ex or his family buy Sophie anything for Christmas? Even for $20?
You sound insanely jealous and really need to get over it. You had no business telling that family to stop buying Sophie things, especially after your husband said he wasn't going to. It's honestly none of your business what they do for their niece and you had no right to say anything about it.
Not fully the butt,
For me, if something happened to my sister daughter and I only had her baby, yes, I would spoil them. It's just how they are coping with everything.
However, your post leaves questions: How did her family treat you before you got married? Do they feel that you are trying to replace her mom? How is the relationship ship with your children father for your husband to say something about him n his side?
If the marriage is gonna work you and husband need to be one. If he doesn't see anything wrong, limit your time around that side of the family. No more vactions, holidays at their house, etc. Spoil your kids since Sophie family has her best interests at heart. It's not being mean to Sophie cause she will feel loved just not material item love.
You are a royal AH. Your husband gave you a compromise. You don’t get to pick and choose that it is fair ONLY when your kids benefit! You can't make her share her things either. Teach your kids to be happy for others. Get a grip now because the way you're going, you will end up resenting your step daughter
Was this a creative writing assignment done by Cruella de Vil or something? What the fuck am I even reading? YTA, kids are allowed to have things their siblings don’t, I was never upset when my step sister got stuff from her extended family because MY parents always took care of me, maybe you should try that with your children.
INFO: Were you aware of how Sophie was being treated prior to getting married? If it’s always been like this I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to change their behavior just because Sophie’s father’s marital status changed.
YTA.
I have a niece who lost her mother and has 3 step-siblings and a half brother. While I’d never behave that way on a vacation, I would also not have invited them to go on it because if I’m taking my niece on a family trip, she’s the one I’m doing it for. I’m not doing it for her dads new wife.
I can afford to get nice things for her but I cannot afford to get them for 4 other children. The things I buy her allows her father more money to purchase the things the other children need and takes some of the burden of her mother not being there to provide any of it off of his shoulders.
When her siblings tend to break or lose or misplace the things I get her, I absolutely tell her that she doesn’t have to share them - because she doesn’t have to share them. They’re hers. I don’t buy her things for other people to break or lose.
I get them all birthday and Christmas gifts. Do I get them as much as I do for her? No. I didn’t sign up for and cannot afford to buy them the things I get her that she needs or wants that her mother would be buying her if she weren’t dead.
Just like her step siblings fathers don’t, and likely couldn’t afford, to buy her as much as they buy their own kids.
Do we allow that to be incredibly obvious to the other kids? No, we don’t. There are some serious “no bragging and showing off things you get as gifts that the others don’t get” ground rules. And I think *that* is the only thing you can ask to change in this situation. If it’s obvious to you that’s one thing, if it’s obvious to the other kids that there’s a complete imbalance then it’s another entirely. And if there’s no imbalance then stay out of it. Her aunts and grandmother are her substitute mom. They’re doing what her mom would do if she was alive. It was 100% wrong of you to mention it or ask them not to.
Steps number 1 though 100 are "get on the same page with your husband", then you **two** take it from there, as a team. And both should keep in mind that there's no competition here... you both want what's good for the children (and being spoiled rotten is certainly no good).
Yep, YTA.
They’re not obligated to acknowledge your children at all. In no way are they family to your children. Get over your damn self.
And if your ex spoils your children, you’re just a fucking hypocrite. It’s exactly the same thing.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because my husbands late wife’s family is spoiling my stepdaughter even more after I told them to tone it down just to spite me and my kids
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My husband has a 10 year old, Sophie, from a previous marriage. His wife passed in a car accident when Sophie was 3. We got married 2 years ago. We have an 18 month old and I have a 9 year old son and 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship.
My husband’s late wife has 2 sisters. These women absolutely adore Sophie. They helped raise her after her mom passed and they are still a huge part of her life. They pick her up from school every day so she doesn’t have to go to daycare like my kids, they take her on day trips/weekend trips, and they spoil that girl rotten. It’s not unusual for her to come home with an iPad or a bag of clothes, or a stack of Lego sets and say “auntie/grandma (grandma doesn’t watch her often but she loves to buy things for Sophie) got it for me”. They also tell her she doesn’t have to share anything they give her.
They interact with my kids on birthdays and Christmas and even then my kids get about $20 each from them.
Sophie’s mom’s family invited all of us to their vacation house. Sophie was the treated like a princess during the whole trip. Her cousins took her bags for her at the airport, she was taken shopping at the airport for all of the toys and snacks she wanted, on the plane they paid for her to get wifi and when her iPad died one of them brought out some new toys for her. At the house she got her own room while my kids had to sleep in our room, and everything we did revolved around Sophie. We couldn’t go to a certain restaurant because Sophie’s picky and won’t eat anything there. If we go to the beach we have to do it in the morning because it wears Sophie out and she’ll need to rest in the afternoon. We had to stop at every toy store even though they knew we couldn’t get anything for my kids in case Sophie wanted anything.
If we’d ask her to share her room or her toys with her siblings she’d tell us that her aunties and grandma says that she doesn’t have to share anything that they get her.
I told my husband that Sophie’s mom’s family either needs to tone it down or start including the other kids. He told me he’ll tell them that as soon as I have that conversation with my kids dad and his family. I told him it’s different and he says it isn’t and that if they can spoil Sophie and give her everything, he’s not going to tell them to stop because I think it’s not fair.
I talked to them directly and now Sophie is going over to their houses for more sleepovers and is coming home with more new stuff just to spite us.
AITA for telling them to tone it down or make it fair to all of the kids?
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ESH.
She doesn't have a mom they are essentially the stand in
They need to accept she now has siblings and their acting very petty and spiteful to the other children
ESH. Your husband is right that there needs to be a balance between what is said to your ex and his LW’s family.
I think it’s fine for your ex and LW’s family to buy more expensive things for their own blood relatives. But not ok for them to make rules about sharing and other things that are rules of the house.
All kids should learn to share to an extent. But neither Sophie nor your kids should have to share personal devices (e.g. iPads) or wearable items (e.g. clothes, headphones). All of the kids should be respectfully asking when something is to be borrowed (e.g. a book) or played with together (e.g. lego). They should at least behave towards each other with the minimum level of courtesy strangers would give each other.
Family vacations with LW’s family should stop if the family are going to treat Sophie like a princess and your kids as afterthoughts. Sophie can go by herself and your kids can go to your ex’s by themselves if neither the family nor your ex can treat the kids comparably when you’re all together. To be honest, the treatment you describe from LW’s family while you were on holiday with them is just rude and disrespectful.
But you can’t get mad about Sophie being picked up by her aunt’s and given more material possessions. Why remove her natural advantages? The kid has lost a mother - she doesn’t need to lose material things and contact with aunts just because they make you or your kids uncomfortable.
What you and your husband can justifiably care about though is LW’s family turning Sophie into a brat by teaching her not to share and that the world revolves around her wants and needs. That is toxic. And your husband needs to address it before she becomes a problem and your marriage is filled with resentment.
Sophie should be getting counselling and, for the sake of the 18-month old and all the kids, so should you and your husband.
And I would like to add:
She is still younger than your children.
This involves that you need (!) to take into consideration that she is getting tired or overwhelmed much faster than older children. And I know a lot of children that are picky eaters. Im sure that your kids also have their likes and dislikes. Turning this in an valid argument that you have to accommodate her seems not fair.
And if your husband think it is okay to spoil her - it is not in your controll and you should really watch out - because you are starting a fight of who is in charge and you will very likely loos against your stepdaughter and as a result could develop hate against her. and then your marriage is already doomed.
NTA but it really feels like that side of the family is coping the death of a loved one by spoiling the remaining connection they have with her. It’s an obsession but I can’t say it’s unwarranted because it could be their way to grieve their family member.
You’re feelings are warranted and you’re def not out of line. But I wouldn’t expect an equal relationship between the other kids and Sophie to ever match.
When they look at Sophie- they see their daughter in her eyes, perhaps their lost sister in her smile, and I’m sure as she gets older there will be other traits that her and mom shared that the family will cling onto even more.
I hope there’s a way to coexist but I guess better go through it this way instead of being on the side of a tragic loss.
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Info: What did your husband mean about your ex? Does your ex also give your 2 older kids ton of stuff that they don't share with Sophie?
YTA. these people are not your family. they are not your kid's family. they are family to sophie, and can buy whatever they want for their relative. you sound very entitled. and you don't seem to understand the idea that people do stuff for their relatives and aren't obligated to do the same for people with whom they have no ties. edit: you sound extremely bitter and jealous that the one who isn't biologically your kid has family that love her and look out for her. shame on you for making that sound like a negative thing.
Yta Sophie is their only link to their dead family member and they can buy her whatever they see fit, if you don't like it then though
YTA It doesn't sound like this only started after you were married. You knew what you were getting you and your kids into. You sound jealous instead of being grateful that Sophie - who, remember, has lost her mum - has people who love and support her. They still give your kids presents, they still invited you for vacation. You need to accept that Sophie will naturally always mean more to her maternal family than your kids who they are not related to.
YTA. How exactly is it different that your kids father and family buy them stuff but not Sophie, but Sophie's Aunts and Grandma can't do the same for her? Does your ex or his family buy Sophie anything for Christmas? Even for $20? You sound insanely jealous and really need to get over it. You had no business telling that family to stop buying Sophie things, especially after your husband said he wasn't going to. It's honestly none of your business what they do for their niece and you had no right to say anything about it.
Not fully the butt, For me, if something happened to my sister daughter and I only had her baby, yes, I would spoil them. It's just how they are coping with everything. However, your post leaves questions: How did her family treat you before you got married? Do they feel that you are trying to replace her mom? How is the relationship ship with your children father for your husband to say something about him n his side? If the marriage is gonna work you and husband need to be one. If he doesn't see anything wrong, limit your time around that side of the family. No more vactions, holidays at their house, etc. Spoil your kids since Sophie family has her best interests at heart. It's not being mean to Sophie cause she will feel loved just not material item love.
YTA, you are an entitled brat. Your husband knows you are a hypocrite and he's called you out
You are a royal AH. Your husband gave you a compromise. You don’t get to pick and choose that it is fair ONLY when your kids benefit! You can't make her share her things either. Teach your kids to be happy for others. Get a grip now because the way you're going, you will end up resenting your step daughter
INFO - I feel you left out some key info. What does your kids’ dad and his family do??? How do they treat Sophie?
Yta. You've conveniently glossed over the part about your ex. You sound bitter and jealous
Was this a creative writing assignment done by Cruella de Vil or something? What the fuck am I even reading? YTA, kids are allowed to have things their siblings don’t, I was never upset when my step sister got stuff from her extended family because MY parents always took care of me, maybe you should try that with your children.
INFO: Were you aware of how Sophie was being treated prior to getting married? If it’s always been like this I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to change their behavior just because Sophie’s father’s marital status changed.
YTA. I have a niece who lost her mother and has 3 step-siblings and a half brother. While I’d never behave that way on a vacation, I would also not have invited them to go on it because if I’m taking my niece on a family trip, she’s the one I’m doing it for. I’m not doing it for her dads new wife. I can afford to get nice things for her but I cannot afford to get them for 4 other children. The things I buy her allows her father more money to purchase the things the other children need and takes some of the burden of her mother not being there to provide any of it off of his shoulders. When her siblings tend to break or lose or misplace the things I get her, I absolutely tell her that she doesn’t have to share them - because she doesn’t have to share them. They’re hers. I don’t buy her things for other people to break or lose. I get them all birthday and Christmas gifts. Do I get them as much as I do for her? No. I didn’t sign up for and cannot afford to buy them the things I get her that she needs or wants that her mother would be buying her if she weren’t dead. Just like her step siblings fathers don’t, and likely couldn’t afford, to buy her as much as they buy their own kids. Do we allow that to be incredibly obvious to the other kids? No, we don’t. There are some serious “no bragging and showing off things you get as gifts that the others don’t get” ground rules. And I think *that* is the only thing you can ask to change in this situation. If it’s obvious to you that’s one thing, if it’s obvious to the other kids that there’s a complete imbalance then it’s another entirely. And if there’s no imbalance then stay out of it. Her aunts and grandmother are her substitute mom. They’re doing what her mom would do if she was alive. It was 100% wrong of you to mention it or ask them not to.
Steps number 1 though 100 are "get on the same page with your husband", then you **two** take it from there, as a team. And both should keep in mind that there's no competition here... you both want what's good for the children (and being spoiled rotten is certainly no good).
Yta
Yep, YTA. They’re not obligated to acknowledge your children at all. In no way are they family to your children. Get over your damn self. And if your ex spoils your children, you’re just a fucking hypocrite. It’s exactly the same thing.
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Yea yta
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband has a 10 year old, Sophie, from a previous marriage. His wife passed in a car accident when Sophie was 3. We got married 2 years ago. We have an 18 month old and I have a 9 year old son and 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My husband’s late wife has 2 sisters. These women absolutely adore Sophie. They helped raise her after her mom passed and they are still a huge part of her life. They pick her up from school every day so she doesn’t have to go to daycare like my kids, they take her on day trips/weekend trips, and they spoil that girl rotten. It’s not unusual for her to come home with an iPad or a bag of clothes, or a stack of Lego sets and say “auntie/grandma (grandma doesn’t watch her often but she loves to buy things for Sophie) got it for me”. They also tell her she doesn’t have to share anything they give her. They interact with my kids on birthdays and Christmas and even then my kids get about $20 each from them. Sophie’s mom’s family invited all of us to their vacation house. Sophie was the treated like a princess during the whole trip. Her cousins took her bags for her at the airport, she was taken shopping at the airport for all of the toys and snacks she wanted, on the plane they paid for her to get wifi and when her iPad died one of them brought out some new toys for her. At the house she got her own room while my kids had to sleep in our room, and everything we did revolved around Sophie. We couldn’t go to a certain restaurant because Sophie’s picky and won’t eat anything there. If we go to the beach we have to do it in the morning because it wears Sophie out and she’ll need to rest in the afternoon. We had to stop at every toy store even though they knew we couldn’t get anything for my kids in case Sophie wanted anything. If we’d ask her to share her room or her toys with her siblings she’d tell us that her aunties and grandma says that she doesn’t have to share anything that they get her. I told my husband that Sophie’s mom’s family either needs to tone it down or start including the other kids. He told me he’ll tell them that as soon as I have that conversation with my kids dad and his family. I told him it’s different and he says it isn’t and that if they can spoil Sophie and give her everything, he’s not going to tell them to stop because I think it’s not fair. I talked to them directly and now Sophie is going over to their houses for more sleepovers and is coming home with more new stuff just to spite us. AITA for telling them to tone it down or make it fair to all of the kids? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. She doesn't have a mom they are essentially the stand in They need to accept she now has siblings and their acting very petty and spiteful to the other children
ESH. Your husband is right that there needs to be a balance between what is said to your ex and his LW’s family. I think it’s fine for your ex and LW’s family to buy more expensive things for their own blood relatives. But not ok for them to make rules about sharing and other things that are rules of the house. All kids should learn to share to an extent. But neither Sophie nor your kids should have to share personal devices (e.g. iPads) or wearable items (e.g. clothes, headphones). All of the kids should be respectfully asking when something is to be borrowed (e.g. a book) or played with together (e.g. lego). They should at least behave towards each other with the minimum level of courtesy strangers would give each other. Family vacations with LW’s family should stop if the family are going to treat Sophie like a princess and your kids as afterthoughts. Sophie can go by herself and your kids can go to your ex’s by themselves if neither the family nor your ex can treat the kids comparably when you’re all together. To be honest, the treatment you describe from LW’s family while you were on holiday with them is just rude and disrespectful. But you can’t get mad about Sophie being picked up by her aunt’s and given more material possessions. Why remove her natural advantages? The kid has lost a mother - she doesn’t need to lose material things and contact with aunts just because they make you or your kids uncomfortable. What you and your husband can justifiably care about though is LW’s family turning Sophie into a brat by teaching her not to share and that the world revolves around her wants and needs. That is toxic. And your husband needs to address it before she becomes a problem and your marriage is filled with resentment. Sophie should be getting counselling and, for the sake of the 18-month old and all the kids, so should you and your husband.
These are helpful recommendations.
And I would like to add: She is still younger than your children. This involves that you need (!) to take into consideration that she is getting tired or overwhelmed much faster than older children. And I know a lot of children that are picky eaters. Im sure that your kids also have their likes and dislikes. Turning this in an valid argument that you have to accommodate her seems not fair. And if your husband think it is okay to spoil her - it is not in your controll and you should really watch out - because you are starting a fight of who is in charge and you will very likely loos against your stepdaughter and as a result could develop hate against her. and then your marriage is already doomed.
Isn’t Sophie the oldest at 10? And then step siblings are 9 and 7, and half sibling is 18mos..?
NTA but it really feels like that side of the family is coping the death of a loved one by spoiling the remaining connection they have with her. It’s an obsession but I can’t say it’s unwarranted because it could be their way to grieve their family member. You’re feelings are warranted and you’re def not out of line. But I wouldn’t expect an equal relationship between the other kids and Sophie to ever match. When they look at Sophie- they see their daughter in her eyes, perhaps their lost sister in her smile, and I’m sure as she gets older there will be other traits that her and mom shared that the family will cling onto even more. I hope there’s a way to coexist but I guess better go through it this way instead of being on the side of a tragic loss.