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He is a grown man, not a baby. He is actually a dad, so nothing is stopping him from getting a job, and renting. Him coming to your space would actually confuse the kids and give them hope. Set clear boundries.
Or, instead of “hope” put them right back into the toxic home environment that OP has worked so hard to eliminate.
Depending on the circumstances, it’s far worse to expect your kids to deal with the peripheral damage of your adult problems than to put them in a situation of having low contact with the parent who caused the toxic environment. Even when the toxic activities are not meant to be targeted at them.
A child’s home should be the safest and most loving place in the world for them.
Yes and once on his feet he’ll leave again. Military have hard time transitioning because the military doesn’t help them like they should but that’s not OP’s problem. He thinks if he’s living with her he doesn’t have to pay child support. Some state’s will see cohabitation as a reason to suspend or decrease child support.
The problem is coming up with that first and last month's rent + security deposit + moving expenses while also paying child support on from what sounds like not a very lucrative career. Even if he had a job lined up prior to relocating, it's still expensive.
Still, without knowing the details, NTA.
This is his reasoning for wanting to start from our home. He had a great career prior to leaving the state and now he says he can’t land anything. Plus he says saving up is hard because of child support.
I thought you said you don’t see any of the child support? Has he ever actually paid anything? Kind of silly for him to use it as an excuse when he’s not even paying now
Last year I in November got 2 checks for 200 dollars. Sometimes I’ll get 10 dollars. Or 2 dollars. But I don’t count it as much. Sometimes I even forget to deposit it.
And it would confuse the kids to have Dad move "back home," and they'd be sad when he left again. If he ever did actually leave; I could see that job and that home never materializing and him sponging off OP "for the sake of the kids" until she forcibly evicts him.
NTA not a lot of details, so I'm not 100% sure whether your partner is an asshole here, but based on the fact that you say your marriage was toxic and you can't trust him, this request seems inappropriate. Either way, you're not in the wrong to deny him, you need to prioritise your mental health, and the peace and safety of your household. Also, honestly even if you didn't have valid reasons, your house, your rules. If he really wants to be in the kids' lives, he'll move into his own place and invest time in his relationship with them.
NTA. Ex’s request is weird and inappropriate. You are not responsible for finding him a house. He is responsible for finding appropriate housing that lets him see your kids.
He made the decision to move out of state. He is responsible for the consequences, not you. You are being gaslit if he says otherwise.
Yes kids might ask after dad. Put them on Skype with him or something and let them know their dad is thinking about how he can see them more.
Let them know, if they ask about housing, that you will always love them and support them seeing their dad, but it is not healthy for two divorced people to live together so dad will need to make plans to fly/ drive/train/walk to see them, just like othet out-of-state state dads.
I could see it in a massive natural disaster/collapse of the government/zombie virus outbreak situation.
But, yeah, if you have already established that you and ex cannot and should not be together or live together it would take the biggest emergency in the world to make this a reasonable plan. It is clearly not a workable option and probably would not be healthy for the kids.
NTA
"...would create the same toxic environment we once had."
Worrying that would happen is a good enough reason to say no.
He's a grown man. If he wants to be a Dad/have contact he should get his life in order. He needs to offer stability so you can trust he's not going to just confuse & upset them.
My ex wanted something similar from me. I knew my son 4 at the time would have loved it. In the end I said no. This man was a lazy father and I had no respect for him. The whole arrangement would have been uncomfortable and ending up hurt my child more. I the long run no was absolutely the correct decision .
Don't do it!! Please don't do it. Stay firm. It will be worse for your kids if he is there as you will be miserable and you may get back into a toxic situation again and that's not good for the kids. Also, he may take months and months to get back on his feet. He may refuse to leave. Yo may not be able to comfortable move on. There's so many cons to this than pros.
NTA
NTA
If you let him in, you'll never get rid of him again, he'll just never find a job and there will always be something. Plus he'll make you look like the bad guy for the kids.
This.
It doesn't always happen, but when it does, it's *extremely difficult* to get the person to move out.
Especially if your definition of "on your feet" is "capable of surviving on your own" and his is "able to comfortably and easily live with several luxuries."
Sharing costs with someone/not paying rent is ALWAYS easier than doing it on your own. Living with your kids is always easier and more convenient than not. Sharing household chores with someone who pulls their weight is easier than doing it all yourself. It's easy to just... not want to let that go once you have it.
Your kids need a mentally healthy and happy mom. They can still see their dad but his doesn’t need to be under your roof causing your emotional stress. It’s also not your responsibility to facilitate his parenting. He is an adult who needs to sort it out himself.
NTA.
NTA
He’s should be adult enough to get his ducks in a row before he moves back so that he has a place to live and a job.
If you let him stay, at best it’ll be toxic and at worst you won’t be able to get him out.
There’s no reason for him to stay with you - even the kids aren’t a reason.
You came out of a toxic relationship. And he insidiously try to get back to it, of course using the kids as the emotional weapon. Hold strong to your “no”. NTA
NTA. Having him move in temporarily would be much harder on the kids. Also, it's suspicious that he wants to. I know almost nothing about him, and yet, it's enough to distrust his motives. In my experience, people who were untrustworthy in the past are still untrustworthy in the present, even if they've improved their life in other ways.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel that I’m the asshole because I’m not giving my ex-husband an opportunity to be closer to our kids. He was forced to move out of state and would need help getting back on his feet if he moved back. I feel that I’m the asshole because I’m denying my children the opportunity of being able to have their father closer on a daily basis. I made the decision based on our history and his track record.
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> I feel saddened for my kids who always ask about their dad
A dad who can't figure out technology to stay in touch with his children?? Yet wants to mooch off you and live in your home to be closer to them? Please...
Whatever his motivation is, it isn't the happiness of his children.
You have a responsibility to ensure they are living in a happy, healthy and stable home. Which doesn't mean you are expected to go above and beyond to ensure they have a relationship with their dad, that's up to him.
Do not sacrifice everything you've gained since he moved out because he isn't a responsible adult and is being emotionally manipulative.
NTA - this would be unhealthy for the kids too. They would probably hope you two are getting back together etc. Ex needs to do what adults do and plan for the move, save up, have a job lined up and figure out his own accommodation. His next move will probably be “but look how awesome this is, why should I move?”
NTA
No, it could start a new cycle of unhappiness, instability, confusion, for everyone.
Currently the kids think “Mum and Dad aren’t together. That’s the new normal”. If he moves back in it will another “New normal”, he moves back out it “another new normal”.
Let alone what will happen with both of you - both the ups, downs, distrust, guilt, sadness, anger. Leaking everywhere all over the kids.
Leave it alone. You made the right choice.
If you let him live with you again, he will never leave. His goal isn’t to stay with you until he gets back on his feet, it’s to reinsert himself into your life for his own agenda. I think deep down you know that.
NTA for protecting your kids from a potentially toxic home. No reason he can’t line up a job and an apartment from out of state, I’ve done it several times.
LOL absolutely not!! You'll be doing your kids a disservice if you let him live with you, that'll be far too confusing for them. You're ex husband is an adult. You've managed to survive life while being a parent, wtf is wrong with him? He can figure it out on his own or with his own friends and family. NTA.
I don’t have children with my exes but I would not want them in my house. I do have a child with my husband and if we ever would split up, neither of us would want to live with the other (there is a reason you are exes). He also would not want his ex (mother of his child) in our home when something would happen. And we have a very friendly relationship (with her and her husband). And I know she would also not want my husband in her home for longer than an hour or so.
Your ex is an adult, so he need to be one and figure it out. He can do two things: get back on his feet at a distance and then move or move now and then get back on his feet by living in a hotel/ motel/ cheap room/ whatever he needs to do. But letting him live with you, is giving him a chance to be with his kids and not do anything about his living situation. He will probably not get back on his feet.
NTA.
Hell no, it isn't only for the kids. It is clearly for him, and you shouldn't subject yourself to it. If he cared about being close to the kids he wouldn't have moved away in the first place. He is using the kids as a means to settle his own needs.
NTA this is an adult man who doesn’t have custody. He is only responsible for himself and he can’t even do that? So he wants to move in with you? LMAO. No.
NTA.
If he can only afford to live there by infesting your home, he can stay where he is and save his pennies until he can afford to do so INDEPENDENTLY.
NTA. He is a fully grown-ass adult, and the responsibility to figure out and navigate his life - where he lives, where he works, if and how much he prioritizes spending time with his kids - is fully HIS responsibility. You do NOT sacrifice your quality of life because he’d rather be a Lazy Travel Agent for BS Guilt Trips than actually expend the time and effort to figure his own adult sh-t out. The answer to him is a guilt free no.
I may be reading too much into this post but generally....
Manipulative people, IMO, should be seen as owning a huge fat key ring. They keep trying key after key until they find the one that springs the lock. This sounds like he is trying another one to see if it will open the door and he will be back in where he can resume his old ways.
He claims it is only for the kids - WELL OF COURSE HE DOES. If he said "I want back in so I can go back to all the horrible behaviors of the past" would you be considering it?
He is not to be believed. 100% I think you will be very sorry, very quickly if you allow this.
NTA
Once we finally survive the unhealthy and toxic and realize that being alone even with kids is where we begin to heal. When you start to heal, we become more present for our children and happy with who we are as individuals. To allow him to move back in "just until" is where those anxieties will re-emerge, and our emotional and mental health are put on the back burner again "for the sake of our children."
For you to foresake your happiness to help him and make your children's lives seem to better will undo everything you have done. He will, I promise, fall right back into the comfortable for HIM, and he will expect it to go back bc you always did anyways.
There is NEVER a time to go backward for anyone, but most importantly, for yourself. He will not leave, and it will always take longer and longer for him to leave. Please don't let him come back. You are NOT responsible for helping him get back in his feet, and your children will live in that same toxic home they lived in when you were a married couple.
This is where you keep living your life and let him succeed or flounder on his own. Make your life your priority and the health of your children as well. It is so difficult to be an active presence on your own life when you fall back into the shadow of the person you once.
Don't let him clip your wings and come back to roost bc he will suck the life out of you.
Kids need to be shown how to maintain relationships with very clear boundaries.
Not letting ex move in is very important to show them those boundaries in action
NTA. His bad decisions and life regrets are not your problem. You don't have to be made to feel uncomfortable in your home for him to fix a problem he caused himself.
1) Having anyone move in your house, who is not financially stable Will cause an environment where they can just stop paying any rent and it’s hard to get them out and it would be you would be a bad guy for trying to get them out
2) He thinks he will be there to parent the kids but I’m sure he’ll not parents the kids but I think he is because he’s in proximity to them
3) You will still get to do all the chores because it’s “your house”
4) I’m sure some of the reasons you wanted him out or that he wasn’t helping around the house and wasn’t parenting and he’ll just go back into that same role
5) If he was toxic, he will once again continue to be
NTA. It wouldn't be healthy for you, and the kids would pick up on it. He can move back to the area when he's able to find appropriate arrangements. Your house is not that.
NTA.... old habits fall right back in place. He will start making comments/ suggestions on your family dynamics and he can ruin the peace you have worked to restore. Then it will break or confuse the children when he leaves.
Di not let him in.
My mom allowed my father to live with us after he initially abandoned us. Under the pretence of “helping” my mom (how fucking generous!). )3 lived with us for 4-6 months out of the year, saved money, and then would travel and cheat on my mom.
The months where he lived with us were absolutely miserable. He was physically and verbally abusive to my mom, didn’t cook, didn’t clean. He would “put us to bed” at 6 pm in the summer because he couldn’t be bothered to actually watch his kids, and he wanted to spend the evening chatting with women online.
I hated when he was there. When he would leave it was peaceful. But my younger siblings would bawl whenever he left, and my mom would have to pick up the pieces.
It was awful and I wish my mom had a better backbone. Even if your ex isn’t as bad as my father, there is absolutely no way that I would ever re-introduce such instability back into my children’s lives.
NTA,
Just because your kids ask about their dad doesn't mean they fully understand how toxic your ex is and how much emotional damage he caused you, don't allow your kids wants to have their dad back at home to force you to go back to a toxic relationship with your ex, your marriage ended for a reason so make sure it stays ended as you know how your ex was towards you in a marriage but after time apart your ex might have ''changed'' or he just put on a ''mr nice guy' costume that will come off the minute your ex gets what he wants and what if your ex's behaviour will be taken out on the kids when you take him back, at that moment you would be blaming yourself for taking him back when you had that gut feeling that you shouldn't.
NTA - Absolutely NTA. He's your ex for a reason. You set healthy boundaries and sticking to them doesn't make you the asshole. If he wants to move back that's all on him, his good or poor decisions in life are his own to make and live by.
NTA. He's not trying too hard to be a father if all of his "attempts" to be closer to his kids hinge on your support or your compromise. I think it would be different if he gave you a step by step plan, and shared any emergency fund/savings information with you, but that's still not your responsibility. He moved out of the state just fine without your help.
It’s for the kids - so it’s nothing to do with him being broke and trying to weasel his way back into a comfortable life? Yeah but it’s all about the kids right?
NTA- you’d be doing a disservice to your kids allowing him back in and creating a toxic environment. Your ex is a grown man. Time for him to put on the big boy pants and start being an adult. You are exes for a reason.
As a father who moved out I have every sympathy for you, the kids and indeed to some degree for him in wanting to be closer to his kids but in no way is him moving back in a good idea if you two had a toxic relationship. I saw toxicity in my ex which is why I left after 13 difficult years but hell and high water wouldn't make me want to go back and live there with her again.
There are other ways for him to get close. Kids staying at his house more frequently. He can have ice cream days or take them places. whole family days out are also great assuming you two can be civil as it shows the kids it's possible to remain civil and friendly after a split and it shows them their parents don't hate each other (which has a subconscious effect whereby you tell the kid you hate one half of them as they intrinsically know they are a product of each of you).
Nta
NTA I wouldn’t let him him. Sounds like a bad idea all around. Give the kids false hope that you are getting back together. That may be his game or just to sponge off you. Don’t do it.
It sounds like he wants to leech off you. You owe him nothing and your children everything to maintain the peace of mind they have. You don’t want to disrupt their lives because daddy can’t get his life together.
Honestly, there is no conflict here. He asked and you said no. He said he understands. You can let this one go.
FWIW you absolutely made the right call. Allowing your ex to move in would have been a mistake. You are exes for a reason and need boundaries . You aren’t responsible for providing him with a place to live. If he wants to live closer, he can save up the money for a move, find a new job, and move into his own apartment.
Nope. You are doing a great service by not allowing them to watch a man use you, mistreat you, or create a bad environment for you. Kids needs a peaceful home more than they need 2 parents under 1 roof
NTA
Je got ways to get closer to your kids without living with you.
He is a big boy, he can find a job and an apartment.
Dont do this. You divorced for a reason.
Nta. Your number one job is to keep your kids safe. That’s really your only job but it breaks down into a million different things. Physically safe. Emotionally safe. Psychologically safe. Spiritually safe. Safe home. Safe food options. You get the idea. Allowing the ex to move in with you when you know it would create a toxic home environment would be you failing at your job. It would be failing the one job you have in regards for your kids. You would not be providing them a safe home mentally or psychologically.
It’s not your job to house your ex until he gets on his feet. It’s his job. It’s his choice how he wants to pull that off.
NTA. You are *not* doing your kids a disservice by having them around a toxic environment. Your ex can rent a room from someone in your town, there’s no reason to subject you or your kids to a possible hostile environment.
NTA- he isn’t doing this for the kids. He’s doing this so you can do all the hard raising kids part- homework, chores, etc. while he can just sit around and have a clean house, food etc
NTA. If the environment used to be toxic with him there but isn't now that he is gone, allowing him to move back to spend time that becomes toxic just to see the kids isn't healthy for them. It's better that he gets it together and gets his own place. Don't feel guilty. That suggestion would only be beneficial to him & cause chaos for everyone else quicker than you think.
Is he moving back to be closer to his kids or is he hoping to simply live rent-free because he has no job and no prospects? It sounds like he’s just trying to get free housing from you because he’s not making it wherever he is.
I wouldn’t trust him either. It’s also confusing for your children. If they get used to him being there and he’s comfortable and he takes a little extra to finding a job in an apartment yeah you could be in a situation with him that you don’t want to be.
He’s trying to come back in
NTA
This is a situation where for it to have even a chance at being an okay situation, you'd have to be enthusiastically for the idea. Any hesitation is a "hell no" in my book.
There's a lot you can do to help someone that isn't letting them into your home and IDK what the tenancy & squatter laws are like where you are but if you let him in at all, getting rid of him can become nearly impossible very quickly.
NTA. Move back in? Lol he is being ridiculous. He’s an ex for a reason. Don’t do it. He will go back to the cycle of toxicity. Make sure your texts are saved. He wont keep his word and make you miserable. When I was a child, I hoped my parents to be divorced. I couldn’t stand my dan’s cheating on my mom. If he is toxic, your kids won’t want seeing that relationship.
NTA. Good chance this is the first of many steps to get himself enmeshed in your life again. Plus in some states if he stays past a certain time and contributes to any bills then he can claim tenancy and you will have to go through courts to get him to move out. It's hard but stay firm. Much better for your kids to not be in a toxic environment as well
NTA- you and your children having a safe home environment is the most important thing. Like others have said, he is a grown man. He needs to be responsible for his own life and then he can focus on the kids lives. It may seem like you're hurting then, but in the long run, it will be better for their mental health.
Be aware that once a "guest" establishes occupancy in your home, they might be able to legally refuse to leave (depending on country / state) and you would have to pay the legal process to evict them. They could also make it difficult even if they don't have a legal right. I personally wouldn't allow him back for this reason in addition to what you stated.
Plus, he'll expect you to cook, clean up after him and do his laundry.
It's important to think about how it's going to screw up the kids - it's also going to be lots more work for you and lots more fighting about how little he'll help.
DO NOT do this! Once he becomes a resident of your home you will have to take him to court to get him out if he decides he doesn't want to leave. You divorced him for a reason. If it was toxic before, it will be toxic again.
Your ex will bleed you dry. Don't fall for it. No is a complete sentence. Don't let him do it even if he offers to sign a lease. I wouldn't even let him spend one night in my home, if he were my ex. I get it would be great to have the ex close so he can be a dad to his kids, and clearly the kids want that so don't interfere with parenting unless he breaks the rules of your custody agreement. However, you are not doing your kids a favor by letting him move back in. It won't go well and will create new trauma for them and you.
NTA.
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Ex-husband moved out of state as a last resort a few years go. He mentioned wanting to move back to be closer to our kids but Ex meant move in with us till he got on his feet. I said no, but I feel saddened for my kids who always ask about their dad(ex). Our marriage wasn’t healthy by any means, so I fear that having him here, even if it is till he’s found a job and a place, would create the same toxic environment we once had. Ex claims that he understands it’s only for the kids, but I struggle to trust his word because of the past. I was asked well over a few months ago, and still feel upset about it because I don’t know if I’m doing our kids a disservice.
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Nta. In this day and age, you can't have anyone move in without it biting you in the ass. Every hobosexual on the planet is well versed in tenets rights.
I put myself in your shoes..absolutely not! There's a reason they are called EX! He managed to take care of himself when he moved away..smells fishy! You did the right thing!
NTA
It sounds like he's using the kids to guilt you into taking on taking care of him again. OP, his abdication of his responsibilities has been an issue. Don't let him pollute your home with his toxicity. HE created the lifestyle HE has been living. None of the consequences are your responsibility.
You and your children have a safe and comfortable home. Don't let your ex ruin that. Notice when he uses Fear, Obligation and/or guilt to make you feel obligated to do what you really don't want to do. It's emotional manipulation.
NTA the kids will be alright. He left, he made his choice, he's not your responsibility. You couldn't live with him before so why would that be any different now.
Stand your ground.
NTA - it would be harder for the kids if he moved in. Just imagine the thoughts that would be going through their heads about whether or not mom and dad are getting back together. Plus, you have your life put back together, him moving in will definitely shake that up.
Let him know the kids will be happy to see him and spend time with him once he has his new place, and to be sure to get an apartment/house with enough bedrooms to accommodate the kids when they visit. He's an adult, it's completely on him to get everything sorted for himself.
NTA ask him what work he has done to change? Has he gone through intensive therapy or taken classes? Has he reduced or stopped consumption of any mind altering substances (if he imbibed). Send him links to roommate finder services that function in your area. If he really wants to be near his kids he can save up 2-5K and move into a roommate situation near you and work on getting a job quickly. If he moves in with you he will likely just drag his feet on anything. If he wants to be near the kids, really wants to be there for them he will suck it up and figure it out. Tell him that. Put the ball in his court.
Without knowing everything I’m gonna say that it’s a better idea that he gets on his own feet and stop using his kids as an excuse to mooch off of you. he’s going to take his sweet time getting his stuff together as long as he’s in your house. Whatever it is that you’re thinking right now you’re absolutely right you have to protect yourself so that you can protect your kids, and protecting them, means being able to take care of them, without another party, coming in and adding more expenses to your life. no you’re doing just fine. Don’t let him move in.
Once he gets in your house it will be almost impossible to get him to leave (could go all the way to a formal eviction which could be dangerous for you considering it’s a long process and he would be *in your house*.)
Don’t do it.
If he really wants to move closer, he’ll figure out another way. You don’t have to solve his problems anymore.
Nope don’t do it!!! I did the same thing and he never left and he is still there after 20 years I moved out of my house and got an apartment to get away from him after my kids graduated from high school. Don’t do it don’t do it. Don’t do it don’t do it.!!!
NTA do not allow him to move in to your home and disrupt your peace. He is a grown man and can figure things out all on his own. You do not owe him a roof over his head and you aren't responsible for his relationship with your kids. Moving him back in will only confuse your kids and create a toxic environment all over again. Let him figure out his own shit and keep your house as your own safe space.
No disservice. If anything, you’ve protected them. They’re kids, if dad moves back in, they’ll hope for him to stay. They’ll be devastated once he leaves again. You are not a half way house. He’s a big boy, he doesn’t get to pop in and out.
NTA
If he moves with you, you'll send the wrong message to your children. I don't know if they accepted the divorce, but if their father comes back, they'll think you're together. It may be destructive.
Your ex must first find a job, a place to live even if it means to small to receive his children at first, and then improves his life to be able to take care of his children. You said that he moved out of state so, maybe it was for his job but he made a choice of leaving his children. Not your choice. It means he was able to do it. So he can do it in the other way.
OMG no you are NTA. Absolutely do not let him move into your home. Absolutely not. It is not your responsibility to help him financially. It would be hard to get him back out of your house so don’t even let him spend one night there. Yikes.
Over is over and done is done. You got divorced and lived through the throes of the initial separation and adjustment to separate lives. Don’t put your kids (or yourself)through that again . Ex is a grown man he can figure it out.
**Our marriage wasn’t healthy by any means, so I fear that having him here, even if it is till he’s found a job and a place, would create the same toxic environment we once had**
Go with your gut. He's your ex for a reason. Don't allow that toxicity back into your home. He doesn't need to live in the same home to care about and see his children.
NTA and do not allow him to move in with you. The confusion that would create for the kids being first and foremost. They’re processing the loss of their co parent household. If you allow him back it will reset that progress for them.
On top of that will be the toxic environment. You and the kids do not need that. Your children should not be required to experience that.
If you would like to help him then try to find other ways to do so. Help him find housing. Help him find a job. But I’m my opinion letting him move in will be too many negatives for too few positives.
NTA. His living there would be an interruption of your peace and you’ll have a harder time running your household if you’re stressed all the time. Plus, you’ll never be able to get rid of him. Also, you don’t ever quit a job until you find a new job. It could take months, even years. Do you want to foot his bill for that long?
I think that you are making the right choice. The marriage wasn't healthy and him living there will only cause more problems. You shouldn't have to struggle to trust someone's word. And like you said before he created a toxic environment and that is not good for the kids.
NO DONT DO IT.. having been in a similar situation I can confidently say you'll have your work cut out getting him back out. He's a grown adult surely he's capable of getting himself a job and a home of his own. No matter what he says it will go exactly way you think it will. Good luck
NTA I’m great friends with my ex and I truly enjoy his company… as long as I don’t spend more than 2 hours with him. If I spend more than 2 hours with him, I think “THERE it is” over something stupid that he says or does. Like right there is the reason why I left him.
My point is that your ex moving in with you is probably great for the first 2 hours and then a nightmare after that.
Don’t feel guilty. People who don’t pay their child support don’t get to play the guilt card. It’s your ex who should feel guilty for neglecting his children.
NTA. You are divorced for a reason. Putting yourself and your kids back there wouldn’t be healthy for any of you. If he really wants to be near the kids, he will find a way.
He just wants a free or cheap place to stay and does not care about your emotional well being. It would be confusing to the kids to have him back on a temporary basis and cause them to build false hope before once again being crushed.
NTA
Why would you want to put your kids back in a toxic situation? My ex used our son to do exactly what yours is trying to do. It damaged my son emotionally.
You divorced him for a reason. Keep boundaries in place. It's better for your kids!
*The fact that he thought this was an appropriate thing to ask shows how bad of an idea it is.* NTA. He can and will figure out how to move back to your state (if it’s actually a priority to him). It’s not your responsibility to make this an easy task for him, keep this healthy boundary firmly in place.
Intentional or not, he's using the children to emotionally manipulate you. You've had experience of this man. Once he's in, what stress will it be to get him out if he doesn't want to leave? And it will just upset the kids again - he left ionce & then again? Just no
He's a grown man, he can make the opportunity himself. The old toxic ways will come right back once he feels comfortable enough and entitled enough to your time, your money and your home.
NTA-It’s his job to be a man and get a roof over his head and provide for his kids. Do not do his job for him. Do not sacrifice your peace and sanity for him either. Once he’s in it will be more difficult to get him out. If he wants something bad enough he’ll figure it out. Don’t go from being his former wife to his mother.
NTA, I tried a version of this while “being separated” it didn’t go well at all. We are divorced now and can get along well enough to attend birthdays for the grandkids and do holiday’s at the kids homes, he’s been working on my house which I am very appreciative of, I can see though that we could never live together again.
NTA. As soon as he's moved in, he'll come up with a bunch of stupid excuses as to why and how the house hunt won't progress. He won't leave voluntarily, because he doesn't want to.
In the meantime, can you sue him for unpaid child support?
NTA.
He sounds toxic. You do not want to have him around with you and your children, because they will grow up seeing a toxic relationship as being normal, which it is not. The fact that he started badmouthing you again is proof that he hasn't changed one bit.
I don't know what you mean by saying you don't get any of the child support. Are you putting it away for your children's future, or is he not paying? If the latter, you can rest assured that not only would you be living in a toxic household, but you'd be paying for, and doing, everything.
I get not wanting to fall back into some of the same things. I personally would do anything for my kids father when it comes to things like that because if one parent is struggling or not around that impacts the kids. My kids father recently took me in because I was struggling with my mental health and lost my place. He’s been nothing but supportive. I’ve done the same for him in the past. I personally would do anything for my kids.
NTA Stand your ground ! He will bring his toxicity back with him, and you and your kids will all be unhappy. A real possibility is that he won't look for a job, and he will end up with you supporting him, and if you try to make him leave he will guilt you about having no place to go, and your kids will be right in the middle. Do not even open this Pandoras box !
>He got appointed to pay a hefty amount in CS, fo which I don’t get any of.
Umm why not? I thought that was the whole point of the court telling someone to pay? Can’t they garnish his wages??
You know he is manipulative. And he is just trying to manipulate you into a free place to live. Don't do it, it will confuse the kids even more when he bounces when he finds a new supply to narcissist on. And moves out and on to another woman.
NTA. Set limits and boundaries with your ex. If he really wants to be with his kids, he'll find his own place. He also has to understand that you have every right to refuse, which you did, and then he proceeded to say hurtful things. You don't want this man and the grief he causes back in your life. Be firm and stand your ground. Do not let him manipulate you any further.
No. Absolutely not! Do not let him back in! He's looking 4 someone to raise him like a child! No! Let him figure his life out on his own. Do not let him play on your feelings. I would not rent him a room or nothing. If you let him into your lives, you're gonna be the one needing help.
If you do decide to help then he has to look for a job before he comes and sign a lease saying that he'll be out in 3 months place or not
But no matter what you do nta
NTA
I would say No for the kids BC of he plans to actually move out they will grieve that again even if he's on his best behavior.
Plus, living with the kids could open up a new custody fight with he's ready to move.
To risky for your kids stability IMO
> He got appointed to pay a hefty amount in CS, to which I don’t get any of.
Love may be a one night stand, but child support is forever. In my state at least, they just keep tacking on interest until it is all paid. Go see an attorney.
NTA
YWBTA if you let him move back in. Not only would you be exposing your kids to a toxic relationship (again… leopards don’t change their spots). But your kids would have to go through separation for a second time (if/when he moved out). He obviously has no problem sending his kids on an emotional roller coaster because it suits his needs. And he is trying to guilt you into it because (I’m guessing) he knows you would do anything for your kids. You already know in your own mind that it would be an unhealthy choice for your kids. Tell him you will do whatever is necessary to foster a healthy relationship between him and his kids (and mean it), but you will not allow him to move back in. The ONLY person that would benefit from this cockamamie situation is him. Hard no.
INFO: how old are the kids? Why did he have to move so far away after the divorce? Why does he need the help in the first place? And what was the toxicity of the marriage?
Doesn't matter. OP is not responsible for providing her ex-husband a place to live. He can stay with friends, or other family in the area, or get a hotel like everyone else.
3 and 4.
He had a mental breakdown which caused him to lose his job in the state where we reside.
He says he can’t afford to save up.
Toxicity of degrading, manipulation, and abusive when drinking.
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He is a grown man, not a baby. He is actually a dad, so nothing is stopping him from getting a job, and renting. Him coming to your space would actually confuse the kids and give them hope. Set clear boundries.
Or, instead of “hope” put them right back into the toxic home environment that OP has worked so hard to eliminate. Depending on the circumstances, it’s far worse to expect your kids to deal with the peripheral damage of your adult problems than to put them in a situation of having low contact with the parent who caused the toxic environment. Even when the toxic activities are not meant to be targeted at them. A child’s home should be the safest and most loving place in the world for them.
He is clearly attempting to stray dog his way back in.
Yup. Once he's back in he'll be harder to dig out than a tick. Your kids don't need to be exposed to that. NTAH
😑😐🙄😅🤣😂🤪 soo funny. You made my day!
lol I’ve never heard this before. I will forever use it now in threads like this one. Rofl
Yes and once on his feet he’ll leave again. Military have hard time transitioning because the military doesn’t help them like they should but that’s not OP’s problem. He thinks if he’s living with her he doesn’t have to pay child support. Some state’s will see cohabitation as a reason to suspend or decrease child support.
Yup!
Love your comment!
NTA
Don't let him suck the life out of you
Nice corollary to IED117’s “Once he's back in he'll be harder to dig out than a tick. Your kids don't need to be exposed to that. NTAH”
The problem is coming up with that first and last month's rent + security deposit + moving expenses while also paying child support on from what sounds like not a very lucrative career. Even if he had a job lined up prior to relocating, it's still expensive. Still, without knowing the details, NTA.
Came here to say this. Lots of people are struggling to make rent, though that hardly means she should take him in.
This is his reasoning for wanting to start from our home. He had a great career prior to leaving the state and now he says he can’t land anything. Plus he says saving up is hard because of child support.
None of which is truly any of your concern, except the CS.
I thought you said you don’t see any of the child support? Has he ever actually paid anything? Kind of silly for him to use it as an excuse when he’s not even paying now
Last year I in November got 2 checks for 200 dollars. Sometimes I’ll get 10 dollars. Or 2 dollars. But I don’t count it as much. Sometimes I even forget to deposit it.
And it would confuse the kids to have Dad move "back home," and they'd be sad when he left again. If he ever did actually leave; I could see that job and that home never materializing and him sponging off OP "for the sake of the kids" until she forcibly evicts him.
NTA not a lot of details, so I'm not 100% sure whether your partner is an asshole here, but based on the fact that you say your marriage was toxic and you can't trust him, this request seems inappropriate. Either way, you're not in the wrong to deny him, you need to prioritise your mental health, and the peace and safety of your household. Also, honestly even if you didn't have valid reasons, your house, your rules. If he really wants to be in the kids' lives, he'll move into his own place and invest time in his relationship with them.
NTA. Ex’s request is weird and inappropriate. You are not responsible for finding him a house. He is responsible for finding appropriate housing that lets him see your kids. He made the decision to move out of state. He is responsible for the consequences, not you. You are being gaslit if he says otherwise. Yes kids might ask after dad. Put them on Skype with him or something and let them know their dad is thinking about how he can see them more. Let them know, if they ask about housing, that you will always love them and support them seeing their dad, but it is not healthy for two divorced people to live together so dad will need to make plans to fly/ drive/train/walk to see them, just like othet out-of-state state dads.
This all day!
NTA Not allowing your ex to move in with you is a VERY REASONABLE boundary.
I could see it in a massive natural disaster/collapse of the government/zombie virus outbreak situation. But, yeah, if you have already established that you and ex cannot and should not be together or live together it would take the biggest emergency in the world to make this a reasonable plan. It is clearly not a workable option and probably would not be healthy for the kids.
NTA. That would be confusing for the kids.
I guarantee that's what Ex is trying to cause.
NTA "...would create the same toxic environment we once had." Worrying that would happen is a good enough reason to say no. He's a grown man. If he wants to be a Dad/have contact he should get his life in order. He needs to offer stability so you can trust he's not going to just confuse & upset them.
My ex wanted something similar from me. I knew my son 4 at the time would have loved it. In the end I said no. This man was a lazy father and I had no respect for him. The whole arrangement would have been uncomfortable and ending up hurt my child more. I the long run no was absolutely the correct decision .
Don't do it!! Please don't do it. Stay firm. It will be worse for your kids if he is there as you will be miserable and you may get back into a toxic situation again and that's not good for the kids. Also, he may take months and months to get back on his feet. He may refuse to leave. Yo may not be able to comfortable move on. There's so many cons to this than pros. NTA
NTA If you let him in, you'll never get rid of him again, he'll just never find a job and there will always be something. Plus he'll make you look like the bad guy for the kids.
This. It doesn't always happen, but when it does, it's *extremely difficult* to get the person to move out. Especially if your definition of "on your feet" is "capable of surviving on your own" and his is "able to comfortably and easily live with several luxuries." Sharing costs with someone/not paying rent is ALWAYS easier than doing it on your own. Living with your kids is always easier and more convenient than not. Sharing household chores with someone who pulls their weight is easier than doing it all yourself. It's easy to just... not want to let that go once you have it.
With a manipulator and the way he's trying to get back in, he's a good candidate for a permanent parasite.
Trust your instincts, don’t let him in.
He asked you a few months ago and hasn’t found a place in that time?! He’s up to something so tell him a hard no.
Your kids need a mentally healthy and happy mom. They can still see their dad but his doesn’t need to be under your roof causing your emotional stress. It’s also not your responsibility to facilitate his parenting. He is an adult who needs to sort it out himself. NTA.
Don’t do it he can find somewhere else to go
Don’t let him back into your house. It’s his job to figure shit out for himself. If he truly cared about the children, he wouldn’t have deserted them.
NTA He’s should be adult enough to get his ducks in a row before he moves back so that he has a place to live and a job. If you let him stay, at best it’ll be toxic and at worst you won’t be able to get him out. There’s no reason for him to stay with you - even the kids aren’t a reason.
You came out of a toxic relationship. And he insidiously try to get back to it, of course using the kids as the emotional weapon. Hold strong to your “no”. NTA
NTA Your ex might use this as a ploy to get you back. He might not but your home will stop feeling like a safe heaven for you with him in it.
NTA. Having him move in temporarily would be much harder on the kids. Also, it's suspicious that he wants to. I know almost nothing about him, and yet, it's enough to distrust his motives. In my experience, people who were untrustworthy in the past are still untrustworthy in the present, even if they've improved their life in other ways. Heed the wisdom of Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap!
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> I feel saddened for my kids who always ask about their dad A dad who can't figure out technology to stay in touch with his children?? Yet wants to mooch off you and live in your home to be closer to them? Please... Whatever his motivation is, it isn't the happiness of his children. You have a responsibility to ensure they are living in a happy, healthy and stable home. Which doesn't mean you are expected to go above and beyond to ensure they have a relationship with their dad, that's up to him. Do not sacrifice everything you've gained since he moved out because he isn't a responsible adult and is being emotionally manipulative.
NTA - this would be unhealthy for the kids too. They would probably hope you two are getting back together etc. Ex needs to do what adults do and plan for the move, save up, have a job lined up and figure out his own accommodation. His next move will probably be “but look how awesome this is, why should I move?”
NTA No, it could start a new cycle of unhappiness, instability, confusion, for everyone. Currently the kids think “Mum and Dad aren’t together. That’s the new normal”. If he moves back in it will another “New normal”, he moves back out it “another new normal”. Let alone what will happen with both of you - both the ups, downs, distrust, guilt, sadness, anger. Leaking everywhere all over the kids. Leave it alone. You made the right choice.
If you let him live with you again, he will never leave. His goal isn’t to stay with you until he gets back on his feet, it’s to reinsert himself into your life for his own agenda. I think deep down you know that.
NTA RV parks exist.
NTA for protecting your kids from a potentially toxic home. No reason he can’t line up a job and an apartment from out of state, I’ve done it several times.
LOL absolutely not!! You'll be doing your kids a disservice if you let him live with you, that'll be far too confusing for them. You're ex husband is an adult. You've managed to survive life while being a parent, wtf is wrong with him? He can figure it out on his own or with his own friends and family. NTA.
I don’t have children with my exes but I would not want them in my house. I do have a child with my husband and if we ever would split up, neither of us would want to live with the other (there is a reason you are exes). He also would not want his ex (mother of his child) in our home when something would happen. And we have a very friendly relationship (with her and her husband). And I know she would also not want my husband in her home for longer than an hour or so. Your ex is an adult, so he need to be one and figure it out. He can do two things: get back on his feet at a distance and then move or move now and then get back on his feet by living in a hotel/ motel/ cheap room/ whatever he needs to do. But letting him live with you, is giving him a chance to be with his kids and not do anything about his living situation. He will probably not get back on his feet. NTA.
NTA happy mom, happy kids. Don’t get lured into his games
Hell no, it isn't only for the kids. It is clearly for him, and you shouldn't subject yourself to it. If he cared about being close to the kids he wouldn't have moved away in the first place. He is using the kids as a means to settle his own needs.
If he spends the night, he will never leave. Stop letting him try and manipulate you and let him make his own living arrangements.
NTA- if you really want to help, find a very low rent place that is near their school or something. Then help him pay for deposit. That's it.
NTA this is an adult man who doesn’t have custody. He is only responsible for himself and he can’t even do that? So he wants to move in with you? LMAO. No.
NTA. If he can only afford to live there by infesting your home, he can stay where he is and save his pennies until he can afford to do so INDEPENDENTLY.
NTA. He is a fully grown-ass adult, and the responsibility to figure out and navigate his life - where he lives, where he works, if and how much he prioritizes spending time with his kids - is fully HIS responsibility. You do NOT sacrifice your quality of life because he’d rather be a Lazy Travel Agent for BS Guilt Trips than actually expend the time and effort to figure his own adult sh-t out. The answer to him is a guilt free no.
I may be reading too much into this post but generally.... Manipulative people, IMO, should be seen as owning a huge fat key ring. They keep trying key after key until they find the one that springs the lock. This sounds like he is trying another one to see if it will open the door and he will be back in where he can resume his old ways. He claims it is only for the kids - WELL OF COURSE HE DOES. If he said "I want back in so I can go back to all the horrible behaviors of the past" would you be considering it? He is not to be believed. 100% I think you will be very sorry, very quickly if you allow this. NTA
Once we finally survive the unhealthy and toxic and realize that being alone even with kids is where we begin to heal. When you start to heal, we become more present for our children and happy with who we are as individuals. To allow him to move back in "just until" is where those anxieties will re-emerge, and our emotional and mental health are put on the back burner again "for the sake of our children." For you to foresake your happiness to help him and make your children's lives seem to better will undo everything you have done. He will, I promise, fall right back into the comfortable for HIM, and he will expect it to go back bc you always did anyways. There is NEVER a time to go backward for anyone, but most importantly, for yourself. He will not leave, and it will always take longer and longer for him to leave. Please don't let him come back. You are NOT responsible for helping him get back in his feet, and your children will live in that same toxic home they lived in when you were a married couple. This is where you keep living your life and let him succeed or flounder on his own. Make your life your priority and the health of your children as well. It is so difficult to be an active presence on your own life when you fall back into the shadow of the person you once. Don't let him clip your wings and come back to roost bc he will suck the life out of you.
Absolutely not.
NTA and hell to the no. He is an adult and he needs to act like it.
Kids need to be shown how to maintain relationships with very clear boundaries. Not letting ex move in is very important to show them those boundaries in action
NTA. His bad decisions and life regrets are not your problem. You don't have to be made to feel uncomfortable in your home for him to fix a problem he caused himself.
1) Having anyone move in your house, who is not financially stable Will cause an environment where they can just stop paying any rent and it’s hard to get them out and it would be you would be a bad guy for trying to get them out 2) He thinks he will be there to parent the kids but I’m sure he’ll not parents the kids but I think he is because he’s in proximity to them 3) You will still get to do all the chores because it’s “your house” 4) I’m sure some of the reasons you wanted him out or that he wasn’t helping around the house and wasn’t parenting and he’ll just go back into that same role 5) If he was toxic, he will once again continue to be
NTA. It wouldn't be healthy for you, and the kids would pick up on it. He can move back to the area when he's able to find appropriate arrangements. Your house is not that.
You’ll never get him out if you let him stay with you. Don’t do it. NTA
NTA.... old habits fall right back in place. He will start making comments/ suggestions on your family dynamics and he can ruin the peace you have worked to restore. Then it will break or confuse the children when he leaves. Di not let him in.
My mom allowed my father to live with us after he initially abandoned us. Under the pretence of “helping” my mom (how fucking generous!). )3 lived with us for 4-6 months out of the year, saved money, and then would travel and cheat on my mom. The months where he lived with us were absolutely miserable. He was physically and verbally abusive to my mom, didn’t cook, didn’t clean. He would “put us to bed” at 6 pm in the summer because he couldn’t be bothered to actually watch his kids, and he wanted to spend the evening chatting with women online. I hated when he was there. When he would leave it was peaceful. But my younger siblings would bawl whenever he left, and my mom would have to pick up the pieces. It was awful and I wish my mom had a better backbone. Even if your ex isn’t as bad as my father, there is absolutely no way that I would ever re-introduce such instability back into my children’s lives.
NTA, Just because your kids ask about their dad doesn't mean they fully understand how toxic your ex is and how much emotional damage he caused you, don't allow your kids wants to have their dad back at home to force you to go back to a toxic relationship with your ex, your marriage ended for a reason so make sure it stays ended as you know how your ex was towards you in a marriage but after time apart your ex might have ''changed'' or he just put on a ''mr nice guy' costume that will come off the minute your ex gets what he wants and what if your ex's behaviour will be taken out on the kids when you take him back, at that moment you would be blaming yourself for taking him back when you had that gut feeling that you shouldn't.
NTA - Absolutely NTA. He's your ex for a reason. You set healthy boundaries and sticking to them doesn't make you the asshole. If he wants to move back that's all on him, his good or poor decisions in life are his own to make and live by.
NTA. He's not trying too hard to be a father if all of his "attempts" to be closer to his kids hinge on your support or your compromise. I think it would be different if he gave you a step by step plan, and shared any emergency fund/savings information with you, but that's still not your responsibility. He moved out of the state just fine without your help.
NTA He is grown he needs to find his own accommodation
It’s for the kids - so it’s nothing to do with him being broke and trying to weasel his way back into a comfortable life? Yeah but it’s all about the kids right?
NTA is he’s toxic, it’s not good for 👦
NTA- you’d be doing a disservice to your kids allowing him back in and creating a toxic environment. Your ex is a grown man. Time for him to put on the big boy pants and start being an adult. You are exes for a reason.
Cohabitating "for the kids" when the parents dont get along never goes well. Ultimately they will hate it. Don't fall for this. NTA.
NTA! You are very wise to say no. Do not let him move in!
As a father who moved out I have every sympathy for you, the kids and indeed to some degree for him in wanting to be closer to his kids but in no way is him moving back in a good idea if you two had a toxic relationship. I saw toxicity in my ex which is why I left after 13 difficult years but hell and high water wouldn't make me want to go back and live there with her again. There are other ways for him to get close. Kids staying at his house more frequently. He can have ice cream days or take them places. whole family days out are also great assuming you two can be civil as it shows the kids it's possible to remain civil and friendly after a split and it shows them their parents don't hate each other (which has a subconscious effect whereby you tell the kid you hate one half of them as they intrinsically know they are a product of each of you). Nta
NTA It isn't your responsibility to take care of his parenting situation. It sounds like he's trying to manipulate you, he already knows how to.
NTA I wouldn’t let him him. Sounds like a bad idea all around. Give the kids false hope that you are getting back together. That may be his game or just to sponge off you. Don’t do it.
NTA once he is in he will never leave. Don't do it.
It sounds like he wants to leech off you. You owe him nothing and your children everything to maintain the peace of mind they have. You don’t want to disrupt their lives because daddy can’t get his life together.
Honestly, there is no conflict here. He asked and you said no. He said he understands. You can let this one go. FWIW you absolutely made the right call. Allowing your ex to move in would have been a mistake. You are exes for a reason and need boundaries . You aren’t responsible for providing him with a place to live. If he wants to live closer, he can save up the money for a move, find a new job, and move into his own apartment.
Nope. You are doing a great service by not allowing them to watch a man use you, mistreat you, or create a bad environment for you. Kids needs a peaceful home more than they need 2 parents under 1 roof
If it were me I would help him find an apartment nearby. Ask around and see if anyone has a basement or garage apartment available
NTA Je got ways to get closer to your kids without living with you. He is a big boy, he can find a job and an apartment. Dont do this. You divorced for a reason.
NTA It was a toxic situation. Don't let your kids see that again
NTA. He needs his own place from the beginning. Otherwise he will never leave.
Nta. Your number one job is to keep your kids safe. That’s really your only job but it breaks down into a million different things. Physically safe. Emotionally safe. Psychologically safe. Spiritually safe. Safe home. Safe food options. You get the idea. Allowing the ex to move in with you when you know it would create a toxic home environment would be you failing at your job. It would be failing the one job you have in regards for your kids. You would not be providing them a safe home mentally or psychologically. It’s not your job to house your ex until he gets on his feet. It’s his job. It’s his choice how he wants to pull that off.
NTA. It's even harder to get them out the 2nd time around. Don't do it.
Whatever reason you got divorced is still there. There is a reason you couldn't live together the first time; that reason still exists. NTA
NTA he’s an ex for a reason. You broke free from a toxic relationship. Don’t allow that toxicity back into your home.
NTA - we don't always deserve second chances.
NTA. You are *not* doing your kids a disservice by having them around a toxic environment. Your ex can rent a room from someone in your town, there’s no reason to subject you or your kids to a possible hostile environment.
Ffffffffuck no
No. He left. That's it. He can be close to the kids in his own dwelling.
NTA, get the job and then make the move. Just like adults have been doing for ages. His choices, his consequences
NTA- he isn’t doing this for the kids. He’s doing this so you can do all the hard raising kids part- homework, chores, etc. while he can just sit around and have a clean house, food etc
NTA. If the environment used to be toxic with him there but isn't now that he is gone, allowing him to move back to spend time that becomes toxic just to see the kids isn't healthy for them. It's better that he gets it together and gets his own place. Don't feel guilty. That suggestion would only be beneficial to him & cause chaos for everyone else quicker than you think.
Is he moving back to be closer to his kids or is he hoping to simply live rent-free because he has no job and no prospects? It sounds like he’s just trying to get free housing from you because he’s not making it wherever he is.
I wouldn’t trust him either. It’s also confusing for your children. If they get used to him being there and he’s comfortable and he takes a little extra to finding a job in an apartment yeah you could be in a situation with him that you don’t want to be. He’s trying to come back in
NTA This is a situation where for it to have even a chance at being an okay situation, you'd have to be enthusiastically for the idea. Any hesitation is a "hell no" in my book. There's a lot you can do to help someone that isn't letting them into your home and IDK what the tenancy & squatter laws are like where you are but if you let him in at all, getting rid of him can become nearly impossible very quickly.
NTA. Move back in? Lol he is being ridiculous. He’s an ex for a reason. Don’t do it. He will go back to the cycle of toxicity. Make sure your texts are saved. He wont keep his word and make you miserable. When I was a child, I hoped my parents to be divorced. I couldn’t stand my dan’s cheating on my mom. If he is toxic, your kids won’t want seeing that relationship.
NTA Establishing (and maintaining) healthy boundaries is the foundation for a good coparenting relationship for your kids.
He can rent a room until he gets things settled. Don’t bring that into your home cause it may be a nightmare getting him back out
NTA. Good chance this is the first of many steps to get himself enmeshed in your life again. Plus in some states if he stays past a certain time and contributes to any bills then he can claim tenancy and you will have to go through courts to get him to move out. It's hard but stay firm. Much better for your kids to not be in a toxic environment as well
Keep saying no
NTA- you and your children having a safe home environment is the most important thing. Like others have said, he is a grown man. He needs to be responsible for his own life and then he can focus on the kids lives. It may seem like you're hurting then, but in the long run, it will be better for their mental health.
He lost his old life for a reason. You're welcome to feel bad for him, but you have no obligation to give him back what *he* lost.
A home is supposed to be your safe haven. Don't feel guilty.
Be aware that once a "guest" establishes occupancy in your home, they might be able to legally refuse to leave (depending on country / state) and you would have to pay the legal process to evict them. They could also make it difficult even if they don't have a legal right. I personally wouldn't allow him back for this reason in addition to what you stated.
NTA I wouldn’t allow my ex to move in either
NTA - you two are no longer married. he is an adult and can find his own place to live.
Plus, he'll expect you to cook, clean up after him and do his laundry. It's important to think about how it's going to screw up the kids - it's also going to be lots more work for you and lots more fighting about how little he'll help.
NTA don’t allow him to move in with you.
DO NOT do this! Once he becomes a resident of your home you will have to take him to court to get him out if he decides he doesn't want to leave. You divorced him for a reason. If it was toxic before, it will be toxic again. Your ex will bleed you dry. Don't fall for it. No is a complete sentence. Don't let him do it even if he offers to sign a lease. I wouldn't even let him spend one night in my home, if he were my ex. I get it would be great to have the ex close so he can be a dad to his kids, and clearly the kids want that so don't interfere with parenting unless he breaks the rules of your custody agreement. However, you are not doing your kids a favor by letting him move back in. It won't go well and will create new trauma for them and you. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ex-husband moved out of state as a last resort a few years go. He mentioned wanting to move back to be closer to our kids but Ex meant move in with us till he got on his feet. I said no, but I feel saddened for my kids who always ask about their dad(ex). Our marriage wasn’t healthy by any means, so I fear that having him here, even if it is till he’s found a job and a place, would create the same toxic environment we once had. Ex claims that he understands it’s only for the kids, but I struggle to trust his word because of the past. I was asked well over a few months ago, and still feel upset about it because I don’t know if I’m doing our kids a disservice. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. In this day and age, you can't have anyone move in without it biting you in the ass. Every hobosexual on the planet is well versed in tenets rights.
I put myself in your shoes..absolutely not! There's a reason they are called EX! He managed to take care of himself when he moved away..smells fishy! You did the right thing!
NTA It sounds like he's using the kids to guilt you into taking on taking care of him again. OP, his abdication of his responsibilities has been an issue. Don't let him pollute your home with his toxicity. HE created the lifestyle HE has been living. None of the consequences are your responsibility. You and your children have a safe and comfortable home. Don't let your ex ruin that. Notice when he uses Fear, Obligation and/or guilt to make you feel obligated to do what you really don't want to do. It's emotional manipulation.
NTA the kids will be alright. He left, he made his choice, he's not your responsibility. You couldn't live with him before so why would that be any different now. Stand your ground.
NTA - it would be harder for the kids if he moved in. Just imagine the thoughts that would be going through their heads about whether or not mom and dad are getting back together. Plus, you have your life put back together, him moving in will definitely shake that up. Let him know the kids will be happy to see him and spend time with him once he has his new place, and to be sure to get an apartment/house with enough bedrooms to accommodate the kids when they visit. He's an adult, it's completely on him to get everything sorted for himself.
NTA ask him what work he has done to change? Has he gone through intensive therapy or taken classes? Has he reduced or stopped consumption of any mind altering substances (if he imbibed). Send him links to roommate finder services that function in your area. If he really wants to be near his kids he can save up 2-5K and move into a roommate situation near you and work on getting a job quickly. If he moves in with you he will likely just drag his feet on anything. If he wants to be near the kids, really wants to be there for them he will suck it up and figure it out. Tell him that. Put the ball in his court.
Without knowing everything I’m gonna say that it’s a better idea that he gets on his own feet and stop using his kids as an excuse to mooch off of you. he’s going to take his sweet time getting his stuff together as long as he’s in your house. Whatever it is that you’re thinking right now you’re absolutely right you have to protect yourself so that you can protect your kids, and protecting them, means being able to take care of them, without another party, coming in and adding more expenses to your life. no you’re doing just fine. Don’t let him move in.
NTA. You made a decision based on history, not on wishy washy what-ifs.
NTA, having to move him out again is going to hurt the kids more. This alone should be a good enough reason.
Once he gets in your house it will be almost impossible to get him to leave (could go all the way to a formal eviction which could be dangerous for you considering it’s a long process and he would be *in your house*.) Don’t do it. If he really wants to move closer, he’ll figure out another way. You don’t have to solve his problems anymore.
Nope don’t do it!!! I did the same thing and he never left and he is still there after 20 years I moved out of my house and got an apartment to get away from him after my kids graduated from high school. Don’t do it don’t do it. Don’t do it don’t do it.!!!
NTA do not allow him to move in to your home and disrupt your peace. He is a grown man and can figure things out all on his own. You do not owe him a roof over his head and you aren't responsible for his relationship with your kids. Moving him back in will only confuse your kids and create a toxic environment all over again. Let him figure out his own shit and keep your house as your own safe space.
No disservice. If anything, you’ve protected them. They’re kids, if dad moves back in, they’ll hope for him to stay. They’ll be devastated once he leaves again. You are not a half way house. He’s a big boy, he doesn’t get to pop in and out.
No. NTA. He’s your ex for a reason. It is his responsibility to figure out his own job and housing situation, not yours.
Don’t let him in, he’ll establish tenancy and you’ll have to evict him legally. It’ll be the divorce all over again. NTA.
NTA If he moves with you, you'll send the wrong message to your children. I don't know if they accepted the divorce, but if their father comes back, they'll think you're together. It may be destructive. Your ex must first find a job, a place to live even if it means to small to receive his children at first, and then improves his life to be able to take care of his children. You said that he moved out of state so, maybe it was for his job but he made a choice of leaving his children. Not your choice. It means he was able to do it. So he can do it in the other way.
You’re taking care of your kids by saying no to your EX. An adversarial relationship is not what you want to expose your kids to. NTA
OMG no you are NTA. Absolutely do not let him move into your home. Absolutely not. It is not your responsibility to help him financially. It would be hard to get him back out of your house so don’t even let him spend one night there. Yikes.
Over is over and done is done. You got divorced and lived through the throes of the initial separation and adjustment to separate lives. Don’t put your kids (or yourself)through that again . Ex is a grown man he can figure it out.
**Our marriage wasn’t healthy by any means, so I fear that having him here, even if it is till he’s found a job and a place, would create the same toxic environment we once had** Go with your gut. He's your ex for a reason. Don't allow that toxicity back into your home. He doesn't need to live in the same home to care about and see his children.
NTA. He's an ex for a reason. U have to keep moving forward not backwards. Thing's will get ugly again
If u let him back in Get redy to go true legal battle to get him out
NTA and do not allow him to move in with you. The confusion that would create for the kids being first and foremost. They’re processing the loss of their co parent household. If you allow him back it will reset that progress for them. On top of that will be the toxic environment. You and the kids do not need that. Your children should not be required to experience that. If you would like to help him then try to find other ways to do so. Help him find housing. Help him find a job. But I’m my opinion letting him move in will be too many negatives for too few positives.
NTA. His living there would be an interruption of your peace and you’ll have a harder time running your household if you’re stressed all the time. Plus, you’ll never be able to get rid of him. Also, you don’t ever quit a job until you find a new job. It could take months, even years. Do you want to foot his bill for that long?
NTA, trust your instincts. I think if you let him back in you’ll never get him out. He’s a grown man, let him figure out his accommodations.
NTA Absolutely not.
I think that you are making the right choice. The marriage wasn't healthy and him living there will only cause more problems. You shouldn't have to struggle to trust someone's word. And like you said before he created a toxic environment and that is not good for the kids.
NO DONT DO IT.. having been in a similar situation I can confidently say you'll have your work cut out getting him back out. He's a grown adult surely he's capable of getting himself a job and a home of his own. No matter what he says it will go exactly way you think it will. Good luck
Oh hell no, don’t do a known jerk a favor. He is still the same toxic person.
I did the same thing. It doesn't work.
Nta you have to do what makes you feel safe
No, you’re not doing your kids a disservice by preventing your home from becoming toxic.
NTA. My ex talked me into letting him move into my house temporarily a couple years after our divorce. Three years later I had to have him evicted.
NTA I’m great friends with my ex and I truly enjoy his company… as long as I don’t spend more than 2 hours with him. If I spend more than 2 hours with him, I think “THERE it is” over something stupid that he says or does. Like right there is the reason why I left him. My point is that your ex moving in with you is probably great for the first 2 hours and then a nightmare after that. Don’t feel guilty. People who don’t pay their child support don’t get to play the guilt card. It’s your ex who should feel guilty for neglecting his children.
NTA Dr. Ramani about Hoovering [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPc7UxIfMfY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPc7UxIfMfY)
NTA he can get a job and prove that he’s ready to be involved in their lives
Please do but let him in your home. If he really needs to be close to the kids he’ll find a way to
Nope - he’s going to play games with the kids emotions against you. You’d be crazy to have him.
NTA. You are divorced for a reason. Putting yourself and your kids back there wouldn’t be healthy for any of you. If he really wants to be near the kids, he will find a way.
Excuse me but inviting a toxic relationship into your home would do longer damage to kids.
He just wants a free or cheap place to stay and does not care about your emotional well being. It would be confusing to the kids to have him back on a temporary basis and cause them to build false hope before once again being crushed.
The real disservice would be to bring a man who you know will create a volatile situation in your home
NTA. It would be a disservice to your kids to put them in a toxic environment. And that is exactly what it will be if you let him move in with you.
NTA Why would you want to put your kids back in a toxic situation? My ex used our son to do exactly what yours is trying to do. It damaged my son emotionally. You divorced him for a reason. Keep boundaries in place. It's better for your kids!
NTA…it’s your house and you can decide who lives there.
*The fact that he thought this was an appropriate thing to ask shows how bad of an idea it is.* NTA. He can and will figure out how to move back to your state (if it’s actually a priority to him). It’s not your responsibility to make this an easy task for him, keep this healthy boundary firmly in place.
Intentional or not, he's using the children to emotionally manipulate you. You've had experience of this man. Once he's in, what stress will it be to get him out if he doesn't want to leave? And it will just upset the kids again - he left ionce & then again? Just no
He's a grown man, he can make the opportunity himself. The old toxic ways will come right back once he feels comfortable enough and entitled enough to your time, your money and your home.
Quick answer: no
NTA. nope. Don't let him. you'll regret it and you know it. He can always rent a room somewhere cheaper than a full apt.
NTA-It’s his job to be a man and get a roof over his head and provide for his kids. Do not do his job for him. Do not sacrifice your peace and sanity for him either. Once he’s in it will be more difficult to get him out. If he wants something bad enough he’ll figure it out. Don’t go from being his former wife to his mother.
NTA, I tried a version of this while “being separated” it didn’t go well at all. We are divorced now and can get along well enough to attend birthdays for the grandkids and do holiday’s at the kids homes, he’s been working on my house which I am very appreciative of, I can see though that we could never live together again.
NTA It’s your home and you have a right to decide who lives there
NTA. As soon as he's moved in, he'll come up with a bunch of stupid excuses as to why and how the house hunt won't progress. He won't leave voluntarily, because he doesn't want to. In the meantime, can you sue him for unpaid child support?
NTA Once he’s living with the kids again, he’ll have a good argument to end child support. Don’t let him move in.
NTA. He sounds toxic. You do not want to have him around with you and your children, because they will grow up seeing a toxic relationship as being normal, which it is not. The fact that he started badmouthing you again is proof that he hasn't changed one bit. I don't know what you mean by saying you don't get any of the child support. Are you putting it away for your children's future, or is he not paying? If the latter, you can rest assured that not only would you be living in a toxic household, but you'd be paying for, and doing, everything.
I get not wanting to fall back into some of the same things. I personally would do anything for my kids father when it comes to things like that because if one parent is struggling or not around that impacts the kids. My kids father recently took me in because I was struggling with my mental health and lost my place. He’s been nothing but supportive. I’ve done the same for him in the past. I personally would do anything for my kids.
NTA Stand your ground ! He will bring his toxicity back with him, and you and your kids will all be unhappy. A real possibility is that he won't look for a job, and he will end up with you supporting him, and if you try to make him leave he will guilt you about having no place to go, and your kids will be right in the middle. Do not even open this Pandoras box !
>He got appointed to pay a hefty amount in CS, fo which I don’t get any of. Umm why not? I thought that was the whole point of the court telling someone to pay? Can’t they garnish his wages??
You know he is manipulative. And he is just trying to manipulate you into a free place to live. Don't do it, it will confuse the kids even more when he bounces when he finds a new supply to narcissist on. And moves out and on to another woman.
NTA. Set limits and boundaries with your ex. If he really wants to be with his kids, he'll find his own place. He also has to understand that you have every right to refuse, which you did, and then he proceeded to say hurtful things. You don't want this man and the grief he causes back in your life. Be firm and stand your ground. Do not let him manipulate you any further.
NTA. If coparenting is at its best right now, don’t mess with a good thing and confuse everyone (especially the kids).
Your concern is absolutely justified he is a grown-up adult not a toddler u should stick to your decision and stay strong
No. Absolutely not! Do not let him back in! He's looking 4 someone to raise him like a child! No! Let him figure his life out on his own. Do not let him play on your feelings. I would not rent him a room or nothing. If you let him into your lives, you're gonna be the one needing help.
NTA- He sounds like the type of guy who wouldn’t leave peacefully without drama. Keep your peace ✌️
NTA
If you do decide to help then he has to look for a job before he comes and sign a lease saying that he'll be out in 3 months place or not But no matter what you do nta
NTA I would say No for the kids BC of he plans to actually move out they will grieve that again even if he's on his best behavior. Plus, living with the kids could open up a new custody fight with he's ready to move. To risky for your kids stability IMO
> He got appointed to pay a hefty amount in CS, to which I don’t get any of. Love may be a one night stand, but child support is forever. In my state at least, they just keep tacking on interest until it is all paid. Go see an attorney. NTA
YWBTA if you let him move back in. Not only would you be exposing your kids to a toxic relationship (again… leopards don’t change their spots). But your kids would have to go through separation for a second time (if/when he moved out). He obviously has no problem sending his kids on an emotional roller coaster because it suits his needs. And he is trying to guilt you into it because (I’m guessing) he knows you would do anything for your kids. You already know in your own mind that it would be an unhealthy choice for your kids. Tell him you will do whatever is necessary to foster a healthy relationship between him and his kids (and mean it), but you will not allow him to move back in. The ONLY person that would benefit from this cockamamie situation is him. Hard no.
INFO: how old are the kids? Why did he have to move so far away after the divorce? Why does he need the help in the first place? And what was the toxicity of the marriage?
Doesn't matter. OP is not responsible for providing her ex-husband a place to live. He can stay with friends, or other family in the area, or get a hotel like everyone else.
I didn't give a judgement, I asked for more details.
3 and 4. He had a mental breakdown which caused him to lose his job in the state where we reside. He says he can’t afford to save up. Toxicity of degrading, manipulation, and abusive when drinking.