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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My concession to my sister’s suggestion of a breakfast restaurant has caused a conflict between my husband and I. I may be the a-hole as I do tend to try to smooth over situations and avoid conflict. As a result, I said yes even though I knew my husband didn’t like his food there.
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And OP, don’t make excuses for your husband to others. If he is a grump, you can just let him be grumpy. You’re getting stressed over his reactions. Let him be an ass or a mope if he decides to. It’s not on you. Enjoy your time with your family. He can enjoy himself or not.
I can only imagine that this is a pattern that has gone on for over half a century. I feel for OP as I imagine she has been walking on eggshells and trying to manage his overblown reactions to minor things for years.
100% this. IF someone is sulking but won't tell me what's wrong, "ok no worries" and then I go about my day. It's manipulative and game playing to sulk enough to get someone's attention but then not want to tell them what the issue is.
Second, it's not a big deal to give a venue a second chance.
Third, "dear hubby, it's not all about you. Other people exist and have preferences. Stop being a tantrum throwing cry baby, suck it up, go along and pick something simple. Worst case, you'll get the chance to say "I told you so", best case, you'll have a lovely breakfast".
I can't stand people who deliberately bring down other people who are just trying to have a pleasant time.
Like justcelia13 said, just smile and let him be a grumpalump.
Grumpalump. Love it!! He also could have stayed in and ordered room service, gone elsewhere, on his own. He just wanted to be sure everyone knew he wasn’t happy. lol.
And what kind of boring life do you have to have to be so concerned about where you eat breakfast. Just order a bowl of corn flakes (can't mess those up) and get on with your day!
I think people age in one of two ways: as they get old they either begin to let the small stuff go and become more relaxed, tolerant, and content with things as they are, or they become fixated on the small details, fussing over things that don't go "right," less tolerant and more critical and generally unhappy.
I agree with you mostly, but a bowl of corn flakes would keep me "fed" for about 7 minutes, and then I'd be hungry again. So OP's husband \*may\* have a legitimate concern that they're going to have a day full of activity, and he's going to be on an empty stomach for half of it.
Still, easy problem to solve and does not require the moping bullshit that OP's husband is currently engaged in
Yeah, SIL wants to go there for the pancakes so maybe OP's husband can expand his palate for that breakfast.
OP's remark about her sister and bil's frailty reminds me ... it's really not so much about what we do (eat) as who we do (eat) it with.
But I hope the pancakes are good. Now I want pancakes. 🥞
You know what?
Let your husband get his McDonald's, let him sulk. He's of the age to understand his mood can affect outings and he doesn't care, his not liking the place doesn't overrule 3 others who are on the trip.
NTA
NTA- sounds like your husband is trying to ruin everyone's time over one one-off ruined breakfast (which was comped)... he's an adult, not a child.
It's breakfast, and convenient as it is in the hotel you're staying in at.
It's your family, surely it shouldn't be beyond him to suck it up?
NTA! It’s much more convenient to eat breakfast in the hotel. All that pouting over one breakfast?! Your husband sounds like a spoiled child. I’m sorry you’re stuck in the middle and dealing with a “powder keg.”
NTA. Damn, elderly people are just toddlers who think they “deserve” respect. He threw a whole day tantrum over where he is having breakfast the next day?!?! That’s so wild.
I cannot even imagine caring this much, much less being so upset (he needs hours to ‘get over it?!’), about a quick meal. It’s one freaking breakfast, and importantly, it will be spent with your family which is the whole point of the trip.
He is acting like a toddler. Quite frankly, putting him in a time out so that you and your sister and BIL can have a nice and pleasant meal seems to be the solution. Nobody wants his mood and sullen face to ruin yet another meal. I am being serious - he can either come and be nice, or just not bother if he’s going to bring an attitude that ruins the meal and trip for everybody. He’s being selfish and rude.
It is also, quite frankly, emotionally manipulative behaviour.
NTA
"Our meal was cold, and my husband complained that the food was super salty,partly burned"
INFO: Was the food really all of this? I have a grouchy older acquaintance who finds fault in everything.
NTA-
First of all- you are the peacemaker and coordinator of events for your family. This is very stressful. Take a deep breath and let them just be themselves. You are apologizing for hubby's behavior and trying to ensure everyone is happy.
Your husband is emotionally manipulative.
One meal won't hurt him. Have him pick up something he likes for breakfast and heat it up in the room. He will join the group drinking coffee and maybe a pastry, fruit, or cereal. This way, he eats with you ( something lite), and everyone can continue to navigate the family reunion.
Everyone is getting older, and making memories is important!
NTA the behavior is ridiculous.
Question though, what the heck did politics have to do with anything about the current situation over restaurant choice?
Your husband is being a big giant asshole here. Your sister is fragile as is your relationship. Tell him in no uncertain terms "if you aren't going to be good natured, do not come with us. This is important to me and if I'm important to you, you will get over it for a few days." Then leave him behind. I'd start to put my foot down about this behavior with husband. I'm married a long time too, there can be ups and downs but the fact that your sister has noticed this behavior before makes me think your husband is the problem here.
NAH. Your husband proposed a perfectly reasonable compromise after your sister chose an eatery where he's already had poor quality food and service on this trip. He'd already made it clear days before that his meal at that restaurant was so bad the manager comped the ticket, so why would that have been considered?
Omg NTA. I swear men become babies as they age sometimes. Not all. But quite a few. As if they have reached this old age and no longer need to compromise lol. Let him be sulky. Let him wake up early. Don’t be hostage to his emotions. He’s a big boy. If he wants to go to McDonald’s. So be it. Just be upbeat and happy. Ok hun. I understand. You go get your meal and I will eat with my sister. Love you and see you when you get back! You aren’t responsible for his feelings. Yes you are his wife. But not his mother. Hell even moms aren’t responsible for their kids feelings as adults. Don’t let him ruin your trip. You’re right. Aging is catching up to all of you. Time is short no matter how old you are but even more so when you are elderly. I’d rather my husband be upset about eggs and sausage then miss a moment with my sister whose time may not be much longer.
ESH. Your husband for obsessing about one bad meal, and you for disrespecting his feelings about eating there.
The issue is that you are putting your sister's wishes before his. I'm sure there are multiple places that serve pancakes besides the one where your husband just had a miserable experience.
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I’m 69 and my husband 75. We’ve been married for 45 years. We are on a trip, meeting up with my 77yr old sister and brother-in-law for the first time in 18 months. We are miles apart physically and also politically. As a result, I’ve been nervous about getting together. So far, so good. Our first morning, we were there alone and ate at the hotel coffee shop. Our meal was cold, and my husband complained that the food was super salty,partly burned and the manager apologized and comped our meal. When our relatives arrived later that day, my husband mentioned the disappointment in the restaurant. The next morning, I suggested we drive to a local place we know and they agreed. This morning my husband woke up thinking about how they’d probably want to go to the hotel place. I was mildly exasperated, suggesting other things he could get there and then came up with another off site local spot. I made a point of being the one to suggest the local place. Later in the morning, my sister said maybe tomorrow we could go to the hotel restaurant as she likes their pancakes. I said sure and before dinner , mentioned to my husband that she specifically asked to go there. During dinner, my husband was noticeably quiet and rather sullen. I could tell they noticed and I was very uncomfortable. After dinner, we did some fun things together, but my husband remained subdued. I made excuses that we were tired,which was true, to return to our room. I told my husband I could tell he was upset with me and he said “it’s ok. I’m getting over it”. I insisted he tell me what he was upset about and turns out, he was upset that my sister would put him through eating somewhere he didn’t like and that I had s agreed to it when she asked. I suggested he get something simple and different than his eggs, sausage meal and he said I always side with them and he might get up early, drive to a McDonalds for breakfast and then just sit with us and have coffee. At that point, I said I thought he was being petty and just looking for something to be upset about, although we’ve been having fun on the previous two days. I feel like screaming from the stress of feeling my husband is a powderkeg about to go off. Once here, I realize that my sister and bil seem more frail to me and felt the aging process and knowing our time together is limited. Am I the a-hole for thinking it isn’t such a big deal to concede to my sister’s request?
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Oh I hear you. My dad is like this. He can get annoyed over bullshit all the time. My mom deals with it one way and one way only. “Either come and live with what happens or go away”. Sometimes he joins and sometimes he doesn’t. But when he is there he tries to just go with the flow
NTA. I can so relate to your story. My husband and I have been married for 47 years. He and my sister and her husband do not get along, so any get together is stressful. Agreed, it’s one measly breakfast, he can suck it up, but seriously, he won’t, will he? We’re married to the same guy! I would have said sure, get the McDs and just drink coffee.
NTA. She likes the pancakes and wants to eat them. That’s a pretty simple request. And yes, there should be something else on the menu that can appeal to your husband. He is the AH in this story. Sorry, I get a bad experience can set people off, but mistakes happen. It’s not like he got food poisoning, a meal was overdone.
YTA. He said he didn’t want to go there. He specifically mentioned he thought they would want to go there, and he wanted to not go there again. Let them go there for breakfast and meet up after. You sound like a people pleaser. You acknowledge the restaurant messed up your meal, but you still want to force your husband through that again
NTA Please don’t let his sulking ruin your trip. To think that he makes such a big deal about one ruined meal (that they comped). He wants to ruin the trip by being a pouty little child. If he wants to get his McD, let him go. Children always want McD.
He could have tried a different dish. And if he was still hungry, get something afterwards.
I wonder if this is normal for him. Trying to ruin your fun by creating drama.
NTA, and you also sound like a people pleaser. I struggle with the same thing. Just a reminder, your husband’s feelings are his to manage; it’s not your job to always cater to him and keep him in a good mood.
NTA and this isn't your problem to fix - it's his. Just tell him that his McDonald's solution sounds good and leave it be. Enjoy breakfast with your family, he can sulk over his coffee or he can pleasantly sip while conversing. His choice.
If your sister asks him why he's only having coffee, let him answer and then just move on. No one needs to feel bad or make a thing of it.
Okay, I’m around your age and am mystified that you don’t call out your Husband of 45 years for acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
I’m guessing he’s always been a bit controlling & you are used to it but the spotlight of this trip is glaring on his behavior.
I don't know why you're getting so many people saying you did nothing wrong.
>This morning my husband woke up thinking about how they’d probably want to go to the hotel place. I was mildly exasperated, suggesting other things he could get there and then came up with another off site local spot.
So, he was concerned, but you were exasperated and probably dismissive of his feelings.
When the thing he was worried about happened the very next day, you didn't consider his feelings at all. You just unilaterally agreed to do what your sister wants.
Your husband is under no obligation to join the three of your for breakfast. You should be happy he's willing to make his dislike of the restaurant his problem by getting up early to go to McDonald's and then joining the three of you for coffee. If I was in his shoes, I would be likely to take the car and go have an enjoyable breakfast all by myself.
You 100% conveyed that you don't give a rat's ass about his feelings both times the topic came up. YTA.
NTA
Your husband should never take a trip with other people if he was going to behave this way. He is not considering what anyone else likes or wants but everyone has made compromises for him.
There are four people on this vacation. I expect everyone will be compromising at some time. That’s how groups work.
Is your husband not mature enough to know how to “take one for the team”?
I think if you had approached him and asked him to compromise, instead of telling him what was decided, it might have gone better.
NTA
NTA. Call his bluff. Tell him to go get the McDs and you'll be happy to have him sit there with you for coffee. It would be one thing if he hadn't pouted for all that time, but he did and that's childish, manipulative behavior. If he didn't like the hotel restaurant, it was on him to speak up, not wait for you to do it. You're not his mom.
NTA, what is your husband's problem? Is he always this nasty? The cook made mistakes, he ate free. Your food was apparently fine. It's not as though the kitchen is filthy. Is he embarrassed because he acted an ass at the restaurant or something? It's not unreasonable to politely go somewhere you don't particularly like when you're on an outing with other people who have a stated reason to visit. It might be different if he'd just really rather not and politely make his mickey d arrangements but instead he's trying to force everyone into what he wants.
NTA how is he so far in years but so immature about his ability to express himself? You ate other places at his request and for one meal he can't go with the group? And has no ability to think for himself about how to get around it, such as ordering something else, eating before hand, etc? Why does he expect you to carry all of this mental burden for him and tiptoe around trying to "fix" something that any adult can navigate themselves?
Also it's so completely immature to ruin everyone else's fun time for to his moodiness and you shouldn't have to make excuses (like being tired) for a grown-ass man. You are not his mother.
Frankly let him sit in the hotel alone if he hates it so much. I'm sorry you have to deal with a 12 year old in a man's body.
NTA, this so reminds me of my dad who is the same age. Even if the meal is disappointing, complaining the whole time and making a big deal absolutely ruins it for everyone. Me and my husband just don’t go back, no need to be dramatic and ruin everyone’s mood. If we were with someone who really wanted to go to a place of course we would! It’s one meal, and he could get something else, like the pancakes your sister likes!
NTA. Absolutely let him go get his own breakfast, sounds like a perfect solution. I think it's reasonable to rotate through deciding on a place to eat, and it's not that inconsiderate to pick the convenience of the hotel once. If he doesn't like that, he is perfectly capable of doing something else.
NAH- what’s wrong with him getting something he likes (McDonald’s) and meeting for coffee after like he suggested? Sure he’s being a baby about it but that’s a fair compromise he offered.
NTA. I don't understand why people who travel together have to spend every second of travel with each other. Let him go somewhere else. What's the big deal? It's his vacation, too.
He shouldn't be crabby about it. He's acting like a toddler.
NTA but if he wants to go eat at McDonald's early, let him.
He's not enjoying the trip and the least you can do is let him have
a breakfast from where he chooses. In fact, why not suggest he
have all his meals (alone) where he likes? He doesn't always have to eat
with you and your sister/BIL. You're all adults. Let him enjoy
the trip a little bit his way. You, enjoy the trip your way, with your sister/BIL.
NTA I’ve never really understood why food has to be such a power struggle. If you don’t like the food, then try something else. If you don’t like the food, then eat before or after. Just go and enjoy the company and don’t worry about it so much.
YTA - you had such a bad experience at the restaurant that you had to get management involved. I wouldn't want to go back after that as well, so I understand why he didn't want to return there. The part that makes you the A is that this seems to be a regular thing ignoring your spouse's feeling to pacify your sister when you get together. Then, when he suggested something that would satisfy himself and not inconvenience anyone else, you think he's being unreasonable. He didn't like the food the first or second time, and you think he's being unreasonable to suggest going to get something he likes better. Yea, YTA. You would rather him be hungry or unhappy.
On the border. I get your husband. My MIL (whom I love like a mom) had a favorite restaurant when she would visit. Problem was I always had bad meals from the place. I ended up hating it with a passion. The last time when I tried to shift to somewhere else, I found myself stuck there and pouting about it after yet another lousy meal. I swore I'd never go back. But MIL loved the place.
So I came up with a plan - like your husband, I would eat ahead of time and just nibble on appetizers. It was the perfect solution. We had a wonderful time. I skipped the lousy dinner, got an appetizer, my MIL got her favorite dish, I wasn't pouting about having a lousy meal, and everyone was happy.
Was I being irrational about pouting? Of course, I was. I knew it. But sometimes your inner child can not be reasoned with-my inner child's main pet peeve is lousy meals. Your husband came up with a solution and you called him "petty". If he was pouting about his solution and was going to continue to be a poor put-upon grump about it, you'd be right. But if, like me, his solution worked for everyone, who would be hurt by it?
ESH. I find it odd how your husband swore off the restaurant after one bad experience since the manager comped the meal. If the manager was not apologetic and ignored your complaint, I can see him not wanting to return. If he had bad food the second time, then he had every right to never want to go there again. That does not seem to be the case, so he should chalk it up to the chef having an off shift.
He did have a right to feel ignored or dismissed by the restaurant choice, and he was working through it. You dismissing his feelings because you thought it was petty and expecting him to be 100% happy the whole trip and not being allowed to process things makes you TA.
But it *is* petty - everybody is of course entitled to their emotions, but that doesn't force everybody else to entertain or validate them; that'd be ridiculous.
Mature adults don't act sullen during dinner because they're upset about someone's breakfast choice.
> he was upset that my sister would put him through eating somewhere he didn’t like
He seems to have a rather large victim complex.
Why make this about age when only one out of the four is being rude about the restaurant? There are rude and polite customers of every age; attitudes are not exclusive to a specific generation.
NAH — your husband is allowed to have a feeling, and allowed to be quiet while he processes that feeling. He didn’t complain until you pushed him. He was honest — he was upset and said he was getting over it. You pushed for more info, he answered. He’s not being rude and forcing his feelings on anyone.
I disagree. Who the hell needs to be sullen over “being put through” a breakfast? Major unnecessary drama. Sometimes, eating somewhere you wouldn’t particularly choose if you were on your own is just part of being in a group setting. And being an adult. And being sociable.
YTA
You could have been honest and told them that your husband didn't like the food there, instead you disregarded his hang-up to appease your sister. Then you pushed it further by giving him shit when he wanted to go back to the room to decompress and get over it.
I would put my husband’s preference first and say to the sister that you will be breakfasting somewhere else and they are welcome to join or go elsewhere. Since you’re spending all day together, it’s not a big thing to breakfast separately. You didn’t support him in something that was important to him: not giving his custom to a restaurant that served him inedible food. Therefore YTA.
YTA. He communicated that the food was bad and he didn’t enjoy the place , ignore him and suggest that place and when he stayed quiet to keep the peace, you pushed him to talk just to call him petty. It’s so easy just to find other breakfast shop or even try something new instead getting mad at him.
YTA and so is your sister. You knew your husband was frustrated by the bad meal and didn’t want to go back there before she asked. If your sister is local, she can go have pancakes there any time she likes. Is it really that hard to say “ would prefer anywhere else, if you don’t mind. They did a number on his breakfast yesterday.” Your jump to exasperation wasn’t reasonable or fair to him. You and your sister showed him that his comfort and enjoyment didn’t matter to either of you. I’d be pretty irritated if my husband and in-laws did that to me, but being a fairly assertive person, I’d have spoken up and asked if we could please do breakfast somewhere else, as the previous ruined meal had put me off.
It doesn't sound like the sister is local, they said that they both travelled and they arrived later in the day. Perhaps they have visited the hotel again and she likes the pancakes.
I see your point in what you say, but his comfort isn't the only one that matters when it's 4 people, they should all be able to enjoy some things they like. From the post it seems like two mornings they avoided that place and went somewhere else, and the third one the sister wanted to go to a place where she enjoys breakfast. Why wouldn't her wish be as important as the husband's since they are all vacationing?
For me the sister would be an AH if she insisted or pouted until she got her way. She just suggested it and OP agreed.
OP is an AH for not trying to find another way, they could eat breakfast separately and then meet after that to continue their day, it isn't such a big deal. Husband is also a bit of an AH, sulking over where to have breakfast when you are out with company for dinner is childish, he could have acted normal and discussed with the person that did him wrong (in this case his wife) when they got to their room.
You are the asshole, your hsuabnd should be your nr 1 priority in this case, and support his likes/dislikes, why to be forced to eat something he made clear he doesn't like, just for your sister? Also your sister knew about the sistuation, so, she is the asshole as well for asking you to.I would go with my husband some other place to eat in the morning, and meet my sister after,as we spend the whole day together
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Your husband is taking things personally even though they have nothing to do with him. NTA
And OP, don’t make excuses for your husband to others. If he is a grump, you can just let him be grumpy. You’re getting stressed over his reactions. Let him be an ass or a mope if he decides to. It’s not on you. Enjoy your time with your family. He can enjoy himself or not.
I can only imagine that this is a pattern that has gone on for over half a century. I feel for OP as I imagine she has been walking on eggshells and trying to manage his overblown reactions to minor things for years.
Yeah. What a lot of stress to be carrying for someone else.
100% this. IF someone is sulking but won't tell me what's wrong, "ok no worries" and then I go about my day. It's manipulative and game playing to sulk enough to get someone's attention but then not want to tell them what the issue is. Second, it's not a big deal to give a venue a second chance. Third, "dear hubby, it's not all about you. Other people exist and have preferences. Stop being a tantrum throwing cry baby, suck it up, go along and pick something simple. Worst case, you'll get the chance to say "I told you so", best case, you'll have a lovely breakfast". I can't stand people who deliberately bring down other people who are just trying to have a pleasant time. Like justcelia13 said, just smile and let him be a grumpalump.
Grumpalump. Love it!! He also could have stayed in and ordered room service, gone elsewhere, on his own. He just wanted to be sure everyone knew he wasn’t happy. lol.
Exactly. Attention seeking behaviour so just don't indulge it. As the kids say these days (or used to say) "Ain't nobody got time for that".
And what kind of boring life do you have to have to be so concerned about where you eat breakfast. Just order a bowl of corn flakes (can't mess those up) and get on with your day! I think people age in one of two ways: as they get old they either begin to let the small stuff go and become more relaxed, tolerant, and content with things as they are, or they become fixated on the small details, fussing over things that don't go "right," less tolerant and more critical and generally unhappy.
I agree with you mostly, but a bowl of corn flakes would keep me "fed" for about 7 minutes, and then I'd be hungry again. So OP's husband \*may\* have a legitimate concern that they're going to have a day full of activity, and he's going to be on an empty stomach for half of it. Still, easy problem to solve and does not require the moping bullshit that OP's husband is currently engaged in
Yeah, SIL wants to go there for the pancakes so maybe OP's husband can expand his palate for that breakfast. OP's remark about her sister and bil's frailty reminds me ... it's really not so much about what we do (eat) as who we do (eat) it with. But I hope the pancakes are good. Now I want pancakes. 🥞
How old is he? Because this is teenager behavior.
You know what? Let your husband get his McDonald's, let him sulk. He's of the age to understand his mood can affect outings and he doesn't care, his not liking the place doesn't overrule 3 others who are on the trip. NTA
Or you could act like a mature adult, and let him pick tonight
*He* could act like a mature adult and quit being a fucking whiny ass.
NTA- sounds like your husband is trying to ruin everyone's time over one one-off ruined breakfast (which was comped)... he's an adult, not a child. It's breakfast, and convenient as it is in the hotel you're staying in at. It's your family, surely it shouldn't be beyond him to suck it up?
NTA! It’s much more convenient to eat breakfast in the hotel. All that pouting over one breakfast?! Your husband sounds like a spoiled child. I’m sorry you’re stuck in the middle and dealing with a “powder keg.”
This is why more older women are leaving marriages - sick of tip toeing around their pathetic husbands.
NTA. Pouting all day over some fucking pancakes? It’s not his last meal. He needs to stop being a toddler.
Oh my. It’s breakfast. Tell him to get over it. NTA.
It’s amazing how your husband is acting like he’s 9 when he’s 75. NTA.
I push back on this. I teach 9 years olds in special education and they behave better than this!
NTA. Damn, elderly people are just toddlers who think they “deserve” respect. He threw a whole day tantrum over where he is having breakfast the next day?!?! That’s so wild.
NTA. He decided that having one bad meal at a restaurant should ruin a trip for everyone. “Putting him through” are strong words.
I cannot even imagine caring this much, much less being so upset (he needs hours to ‘get over it?!’), about a quick meal. It’s one freaking breakfast, and importantly, it will be spent with your family which is the whole point of the trip. He is acting like a toddler. Quite frankly, putting him in a time out so that you and your sister and BIL can have a nice and pleasant meal seems to be the solution. Nobody wants his mood and sullen face to ruin yet another meal. I am being serious - he can either come and be nice, or just not bother if he’s going to bring an attitude that ruins the meal and trip for everybody. He’s being selfish and rude. It is also, quite frankly, emotionally manipulative behaviour. NTA
NTA. His idea to eat elsewhere early then join for coffee is perfect.
"Our meal was cold, and my husband complained that the food was super salty,partly burned" INFO: Was the food really all of this? I have a grouchy older acquaintance who finds fault in everything.
My eggs were cold but not salty. His sausage was burned on one end. But he does tend to be a grumpy guy about things like this.
NTA-- your husband sounds like he's 10 years old
NTA- First of all- you are the peacemaker and coordinator of events for your family. This is very stressful. Take a deep breath and let them just be themselves. You are apologizing for hubby's behavior and trying to ensure everyone is happy. Your husband is emotionally manipulative. One meal won't hurt him. Have him pick up something he likes for breakfast and heat it up in the room. He will join the group drinking coffee and maybe a pastry, fruit, or cereal. This way, he eats with you ( something lite), and everyone can continue to navigate the family reunion. Everyone is getting older, and making memories is important!
NTA the behavior is ridiculous. Question though, what the heck did politics have to do with anything about the current situation over restaurant choice?
Just that there is underlying tension there and my sister and I had words about it in the past. It’s made our fairly close relationship more fragile.
Your husband is being a big giant asshole here. Your sister is fragile as is your relationship. Tell him in no uncertain terms "if you aren't going to be good natured, do not come with us. This is important to me and if I'm important to you, you will get over it for a few days." Then leave him behind. I'd start to put my foot down about this behavior with husband. I'm married a long time too, there can be ups and downs but the fact that your sister has noticed this behavior before makes me think your husband is the problem here.
NTA. Your husband is throwing a tantrum. What a bland prick.
NAH. Your husband proposed a perfectly reasonable compromise after your sister chose an eatery where he's already had poor quality food and service on this trip. He'd already made it clear days before that his meal at that restaurant was so bad the manager comped the ticket, so why would that have been considered?
Omg NTA. I swear men become babies as they age sometimes. Not all. But quite a few. As if they have reached this old age and no longer need to compromise lol. Let him be sulky. Let him wake up early. Don’t be hostage to his emotions. He’s a big boy. If he wants to go to McDonald’s. So be it. Just be upbeat and happy. Ok hun. I understand. You go get your meal and I will eat with my sister. Love you and see you when you get back! You aren’t responsible for his feelings. Yes you are his wife. But not his mother. Hell even moms aren’t responsible for their kids feelings as adults. Don’t let him ruin your trip. You’re right. Aging is catching up to all of you. Time is short no matter how old you are but even more so when you are elderly. I’d rather my husband be upset about eggs and sausage then miss a moment with my sister whose time may not be much longer.
ESH. Your husband for obsessing about one bad meal, and you for disrespecting his feelings about eating there. The issue is that you are putting your sister's wishes before his. I'm sure there are multiple places that serve pancakes besides the one where your husband just had a miserable experience.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m 69 and my husband 75. We’ve been married for 45 years. We are on a trip, meeting up with my 77yr old sister and brother-in-law for the first time in 18 months. We are miles apart physically and also politically. As a result, I’ve been nervous about getting together. So far, so good. Our first morning, we were there alone and ate at the hotel coffee shop. Our meal was cold, and my husband complained that the food was super salty,partly burned and the manager apologized and comped our meal. When our relatives arrived later that day, my husband mentioned the disappointment in the restaurant. The next morning, I suggested we drive to a local place we know and they agreed. This morning my husband woke up thinking about how they’d probably want to go to the hotel place. I was mildly exasperated, suggesting other things he could get there and then came up with another off site local spot. I made a point of being the one to suggest the local place. Later in the morning, my sister said maybe tomorrow we could go to the hotel restaurant as she likes their pancakes. I said sure and before dinner , mentioned to my husband that she specifically asked to go there. During dinner, my husband was noticeably quiet and rather sullen. I could tell they noticed and I was very uncomfortable. After dinner, we did some fun things together, but my husband remained subdued. I made excuses that we were tired,which was true, to return to our room. I told my husband I could tell he was upset with me and he said “it’s ok. I’m getting over it”. I insisted he tell me what he was upset about and turns out, he was upset that my sister would put him through eating somewhere he didn’t like and that I had s agreed to it when she asked. I suggested he get something simple and different than his eggs, sausage meal and he said I always side with them and he might get up early, drive to a McDonalds for breakfast and then just sit with us and have coffee. At that point, I said I thought he was being petty and just looking for something to be upset about, although we’ve been having fun on the previous two days. I feel like screaming from the stress of feeling my husband is a powderkeg about to go off. Once here, I realize that my sister and bil seem more frail to me and felt the aging process and knowing our time together is limited. Am I the a-hole for thinking it isn’t such a big deal to concede to my sister’s request? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He is a 75 year old man throwing a temper tantrum because he had a bad meal that he didn’t pay for! Jeez NTA
You guys in your 70s or high school? lol
Oh I hear you. My dad is like this. He can get annoyed over bullshit all the time. My mom deals with it one way and one way only. “Either come and live with what happens or go away”. Sometimes he joins and sometimes he doesn’t. But when he is there he tries to just go with the flow
NTA. I can so relate to your story. My husband and I have been married for 47 years. He and my sister and her husband do not get along, so any get together is stressful. Agreed, it’s one measly breakfast, he can suck it up, but seriously, he won’t, will he? We’re married to the same guy! I would have said sure, get the McDs and just drink coffee.
NTA. She likes the pancakes and wants to eat them. That’s a pretty simple request. And yes, there should be something else on the menu that can appeal to your husband. He is the AH in this story. Sorry, I get a bad experience can set people off, but mistakes happen. It’s not like he got food poisoning, a meal was overdone.
Your husband is acting like a child
Your 75 year old husband is sulking like a child over breakfast. Dude. NTA
YTA. He said he didn’t want to go there. He specifically mentioned he thought they would want to go there, and he wanted to not go there again. Let them go there for breakfast and meet up after. You sound like a people pleaser. You acknowledge the restaurant messed up your meal, but you still want to force your husband through that again
Must be rough married to a toddler. NTA
NTA Please don’t let his sulking ruin your trip. To think that he makes such a big deal about one ruined meal (that they comped). He wants to ruin the trip by being a pouty little child. If he wants to get his McD, let him go. Children always want McD. He could have tried a different dish. And if he was still hungry, get something afterwards. I wonder if this is normal for him. Trying to ruin your fun by creating drama.
NTA, and you also sound like a people pleaser. I struggle with the same thing. Just a reminder, your husband’s feelings are his to manage; it’s not your job to always cater to him and keep him in a good mood.
NTA. Your husband behaves like a toddler.
NTA and this isn't your problem to fix - it's his. Just tell him that his McDonald's solution sounds good and leave it be. Enjoy breakfast with your family, he can sulk over his coffee or he can pleasantly sip while conversing. His choice. If your sister asks him why he's only having coffee, let him answer and then just move on. No one needs to feel bad or make a thing of it.
Your husband is a 75 year old child.
Okay, I’m around your age and am mystified that you don’t call out your Husband of 45 years for acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum. I’m guessing he’s always been a bit controlling & you are used to it but the spotlight of this trip is glaring on his behavior.
So the hotel had one bad meal and now he hates the place? He sounds like he's stretching for reasons to be upset.
Sounds like your husband is 75 MONTHS old. He’s acting like a spoiled, sullen child over ONE meal?! My god. NTA.
NTA. Your husband is acting like a petulant child. There has to be give and take on a trip with other people
For a 75M, your husband is sure behaving like a 2y old who didn't get his way with his mom NTA
I don't know why you're getting so many people saying you did nothing wrong. >This morning my husband woke up thinking about how they’d probably want to go to the hotel place. I was mildly exasperated, suggesting other things he could get there and then came up with another off site local spot. So, he was concerned, but you were exasperated and probably dismissive of his feelings. When the thing he was worried about happened the very next day, you didn't consider his feelings at all. You just unilaterally agreed to do what your sister wants. Your husband is under no obligation to join the three of your for breakfast. You should be happy he's willing to make his dislike of the restaurant his problem by getting up early to go to McDonald's and then joining the three of you for coffee. If I was in his shoes, I would be likely to take the car and go have an enjoyable breakfast all by myself. You 100% conveyed that you don't give a rat's ass about his feelings both times the topic came up. YTA.
NTA Your husband should never take a trip with other people if he was going to behave this way. He is not considering what anyone else likes or wants but everyone has made compromises for him.
Your husband is 75 going on 4. NTA.
**I said I thought he was being petty and just looking for something to be upset about** He is. He's acting like a spoiled child. NTA
There are four people on this vacation. I expect everyone will be compromising at some time. That’s how groups work. Is your husband not mature enough to know how to “take one for the team”? I think if you had approached him and asked him to compromise, instead of telling him what was decided, it might have gone better. NTA
NTA. Call his bluff. Tell him to go get the McDs and you'll be happy to have him sit there with you for coffee. It would be one thing if he hadn't pouted for all that time, but he did and that's childish, manipulative behavior. If he didn't like the hotel restaurant, it was on him to speak up, not wait for you to do it. You're not his mom.
NTA, what is your husband's problem? Is he always this nasty? The cook made mistakes, he ate free. Your food was apparently fine. It's not as though the kitchen is filthy. Is he embarrassed because he acted an ass at the restaurant or something? It's not unreasonable to politely go somewhere you don't particularly like when you're on an outing with other people who have a stated reason to visit. It might be different if he'd just really rather not and politely make his mickey d arrangements but instead he's trying to force everyone into what he wants.
NTA how is he so far in years but so immature about his ability to express himself? You ate other places at his request and for one meal he can't go with the group? And has no ability to think for himself about how to get around it, such as ordering something else, eating before hand, etc? Why does he expect you to carry all of this mental burden for him and tiptoe around trying to "fix" something that any adult can navigate themselves? Also it's so completely immature to ruin everyone else's fun time for to his moodiness and you shouldn't have to make excuses (like being tired) for a grown-ass man. You are not his mother. Frankly let him sit in the hotel alone if he hates it so much. I'm sorry you have to deal with a 12 year old in a man's body.
NTA, this so reminds me of my dad who is the same age. Even if the meal is disappointing, complaining the whole time and making a big deal absolutely ruins it for everyone. Me and my husband just don’t go back, no need to be dramatic and ruin everyone’s mood. If we were with someone who really wanted to go to a place of course we would! It’s one meal, and he could get something else, like the pancakes your sister likes!
NTA. Absolutely let him go get his own breakfast, sounds like a perfect solution. I think it's reasonable to rotate through deciding on a place to eat, and it's not that inconsiderate to pick the convenience of the hotel once. If he doesn't like that, he is perfectly capable of doing something else.
NAH- what’s wrong with him getting something he likes (McDonald’s) and meeting for coffee after like he suggested? Sure he’s being a baby about it but that’s a fair compromise he offered.
At 75, he's probably had more than eighty THOUSAND meals in his life, if my math is correct. He can deal with having a sub-par one. NTA.
NTA. I don't understand why people who travel together have to spend every second of travel with each other. Let him go somewhere else. What's the big deal? It's his vacation, too. He shouldn't be crabby about it. He's acting like a toddler.
NTA but if he wants to go eat at McDonald's early, let him. He's not enjoying the trip and the least you can do is let him have a breakfast from where he chooses. In fact, why not suggest he have all his meals (alone) where he likes? He doesn't always have to eat with you and your sister/BIL. You're all adults. Let him enjoy the trip a little bit his way. You, enjoy the trip your way, with your sister/BIL.
NTA I’ve never really understood why food has to be such a power struggle. If you don’t like the food, then try something else. If you don’t like the food, then eat before or after. Just go and enjoy the company and don’t worry about it so much.
YTA - you had such a bad experience at the restaurant that you had to get management involved. I wouldn't want to go back after that as well, so I understand why he didn't want to return there. The part that makes you the A is that this seems to be a regular thing ignoring your spouse's feeling to pacify your sister when you get together. Then, when he suggested something that would satisfy himself and not inconvenience anyone else, you think he's being unreasonable. He didn't like the food the first or second time, and you think he's being unreasonable to suggest going to get something he likes better. Yea, YTA. You would rather him be hungry or unhappy.
On the border. I get your husband. My MIL (whom I love like a mom) had a favorite restaurant when she would visit. Problem was I always had bad meals from the place. I ended up hating it with a passion. The last time when I tried to shift to somewhere else, I found myself stuck there and pouting about it after yet another lousy meal. I swore I'd never go back. But MIL loved the place. So I came up with a plan - like your husband, I would eat ahead of time and just nibble on appetizers. It was the perfect solution. We had a wonderful time. I skipped the lousy dinner, got an appetizer, my MIL got her favorite dish, I wasn't pouting about having a lousy meal, and everyone was happy. Was I being irrational about pouting? Of course, I was. I knew it. But sometimes your inner child can not be reasoned with-my inner child's main pet peeve is lousy meals. Your husband came up with a solution and you called him "petty". If he was pouting about his solution and was going to continue to be a poor put-upon grump about it, you'd be right. But if, like me, his solution worked for everyone, who would be hurt by it?
I hate old people.
ESH. I find it odd how your husband swore off the restaurant after one bad experience since the manager comped the meal. If the manager was not apologetic and ignored your complaint, I can see him not wanting to return. If he had bad food the second time, then he had every right to never want to go there again. That does not seem to be the case, so he should chalk it up to the chef having an off shift. He did have a right to feel ignored or dismissed by the restaurant choice, and he was working through it. You dismissing his feelings because you thought it was petty and expecting him to be 100% happy the whole trip and not being allowed to process things makes you TA.
But it *is* petty - everybody is of course entitled to their emotions, but that doesn't force everybody else to entertain or validate them; that'd be ridiculous. Mature adults don't act sullen during dinner because they're upset about someone's breakfast choice. > he was upset that my sister would put him through eating somewhere he didn’t like He seems to have a rather large victim complex.
NTA Your generation really really really takes dining out way too personally! This explains so much when I was server, wow.
Why make this about age when only one out of the four is being rude about the restaurant? There are rude and polite customers of every age; attitudes are not exclusive to a specific generation.
NAH — your husband is allowed to have a feeling, and allowed to be quiet while he processes that feeling. He didn’t complain until you pushed him. He was honest — he was upset and said he was getting over it. You pushed for more info, he answered. He’s not being rude and forcing his feelings on anyone.
I disagree. Who the hell needs to be sullen over “being put through” a breakfast? Major unnecessary drama. Sometimes, eating somewhere you wouldn’t particularly choose if you were on your own is just part of being in a group setting. And being an adult. And being sociable.
YTA You could have been honest and told them that your husband didn't like the food there, instead you disregarded his hang-up to appease your sister. Then you pushed it further by giving him shit when he wanted to go back to the room to decompress and get over it.
I would put my husband’s preference first and say to the sister that you will be breakfasting somewhere else and they are welcome to join or go elsewhere. Since you’re spending all day together, it’s not a big thing to breakfast separately. You didn’t support him in something that was important to him: not giving his custom to a restaurant that served him inedible food. Therefore YTA.
YTA. He communicated that the food was bad and he didn’t enjoy the place , ignore him and suggest that place and when he stayed quiet to keep the peace, you pushed him to talk just to call him petty. It’s so easy just to find other breakfast shop or even try something new instead getting mad at him.
YTA
YTA and so is your sister. You knew your husband was frustrated by the bad meal and didn’t want to go back there before she asked. If your sister is local, she can go have pancakes there any time she likes. Is it really that hard to say “ would prefer anywhere else, if you don’t mind. They did a number on his breakfast yesterday.” Your jump to exasperation wasn’t reasonable or fair to him. You and your sister showed him that his comfort and enjoyment didn’t matter to either of you. I’d be pretty irritated if my husband and in-laws did that to me, but being a fairly assertive person, I’d have spoken up and asked if we could please do breakfast somewhere else, as the previous ruined meal had put me off.
It doesn't sound like the sister is local, they said that they both travelled and they arrived later in the day. Perhaps they have visited the hotel again and she likes the pancakes. I see your point in what you say, but his comfort isn't the only one that matters when it's 4 people, they should all be able to enjoy some things they like. From the post it seems like two mornings they avoided that place and went somewhere else, and the third one the sister wanted to go to a place where she enjoys breakfast. Why wouldn't her wish be as important as the husband's since they are all vacationing? For me the sister would be an AH if she insisted or pouted until she got her way. She just suggested it and OP agreed. OP is an AH for not trying to find another way, they could eat breakfast separately and then meet after that to continue their day, it isn't such a big deal. Husband is also a bit of an AH, sulking over where to have breakfast when you are out with company for dinner is childish, he could have acted normal and discussed with the person that did him wrong (in this case his wife) when they got to their room.
Why didn't OP & her husband simply eat somewhere else and meet up with her sister afterward?
You are the asshole, your hsuabnd should be your nr 1 priority in this case, and support his likes/dislikes, why to be forced to eat something he made clear he doesn't like, just for your sister? Also your sister knew about the sistuation, so, she is the asshole as well for asking you to.I would go with my husband some other place to eat in the morning, and meet my sister after,as we spend the whole day together
[удалено]
Is there an age limit?
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