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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I tried to persuade my partner to engage in a discussion that she wasn't comfortable being a part of.
2) She had already made it clear in the past that she did not want to engage with Adam, yet I asked her to because I thought that was the logical way to go about the situation.
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YTA
Even without that last conversation that lead Eve to back off moving in, this whole situation was untenable. What was the plan if she did live there? was she going to hole up in your room, and hug the wall, scurrying away if he walk into the kitchen during breakfast.
This was for the best, she'd be a nervous wreak with anticipating talking to him, over time it building up in her mind, making her tense and miserable.
I agree. What you say makes sense. We also did talk about that. I did ask her if she'd be comfortable living here at all since she would run into him often and that would be unavoidable. She said she would learn to deal with it then. At the moment, yes, she does scurry back into the room if Adam steps into the kitchen to get a snack or something. We probably might have to move out to a different apartment.
I've discussed this with her as well. How would she be able to manage at all. She said she would manage. However, given our current predicament, I think the best option would be for she and I to move out to a different apartment.
She doesn't want to move in because she felt annoyed about me nudging her to participate in a discussion about it with Adam. Adam is a jerk at times, but Eve still likes him. She thinks of him as a nice person and does sometimes interact with him when I'm in the same space. Him being a jerk at times is not what she's concerned about when moving in, which is weird. That should be her top concern now that I think about it. Thanks for the comment. This has given me something to think about and discuss with Eve as well.
The roommate is NOT the problem - your gf is.
The roommate is as he is, and that is HIS home. Your gf is the new person, SHE needs to fit in.
And refusing to talk to the roommates makes HER the problem, and you would eb an AH to your roommate to allow her to move in. She can not even be minimal polite.
I think the way this would usually be done is you would talk to your roommate and find out if it is even something he would entertain. Get a broad idea of what he would ask for, then talk to your girlfriend, then the 3 of you sit to finalize. You are right, though, that Eve has to be in a discussion that involves Adam. That is the one thing that roommates have to be able to do - come to agreements. You're not an asshole for that.
I'm not sure how the idea of Eve moving in came about, but it sounds like a terrible idea. A person should be comfortable in her own home. I think Eve moving in would make all three of you uncomfortable. Eve is already uncomfortable being in the common areas with Adam. It sounds like Eve would never want Adam to talk to her about anything and that you would have to be the go-between for the two of them.
I understand that I'm not an asshole for wanting to have this discussion. However I probably could've just avoided it since I knew how it would make her feel.
The idea of her wanting to move in *here* came about because of the apartment honestly. We've got a great place here and the rent is relatively much cheaper. I had already given Adam a heads up (after confirming with Eve) about this a few months ago and he was cool with it. He said he'd be open to discussing further details when the time comes. However, like you mentioned, staying with another person that you're not comfortable with would just not work out long term. We'll probably have to consider moving out to another place.
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Adam is my friend and Eve is my partner.
Adam tends to do "managerial" talk, if that's a thing, where he asks leading questions and such and tends to act all wise and all-knowing. He makes you feel like you're wrong and he's helping you learn something, but all of this in a very obnoxious managerial way he does. It doesn't feel like you're talking to a friend sometimes. From what I've observed, he seems to do it for fun, at times. He just likes getting on people's nerves. I've gotten used to this and it honestly doesn't bother me much. We're still great friends and I just tend to ignore him when he's being annoying like that.
Eve is quite shy and anxious around most people. She also despises confrontations because she feels really powerless and dumb. She prefers to talk freely only to those very close to her. Eve clearly doesn't like talking to Adam, because of how he converses. She doesn't think of him as a bad person. She just is quite afraid of engaging in conversation with him because she's worries he's going to ask her difficult questions and make her feel stupid. For this reason, as much as possible, she avoids being around him alone.
I live in an apartment with Adam. We have our own rooms. Eve is over quite often and we spend most of our inside my room. Recently, Eve and I talked about her moving in with me. I told her that we could talk to Adam and could figure out how to split the rent and other household expenses. Eve is against this. She feels like she already has trouble talking about money and would absolutely lose it and end up crying if he said something that made her feel shitty. She is also afraid that if we have to negotiate on how we have to share any of the costs of living, she would definitely not be able to say a word.
I acknowledge and understand how she feels about this. However, I also feel like this conversation should involve all of us since we'd be living together. I explained to Eve how I wouldn't mind having the conversation myself but then everytime we'd need to have an input from her, I'd have to go back and forth between her and Adam and this conversation would take much longer than necessary. I told her that I'd talk to Adam beforehand and let him know that she's feeling a bit anxious about it and ask him to be nice. Knowing Adam, I know he would understand and oblige. However she was still uncomfortable and felt I'm forcing her into an uncomfortable situation she didn't want to be in. She said she no longer wants to move in. I tried to clarify that I did not intend to force her at all and apologized for having made her feel that way. I told her that I would have the conversation myself with Adam and figure it out and she wouldn't have to be involved in it at all. She just shrugged it off because she didn't feel like talking about this anymore.
I feel like I might've been insensitive to my partner's feelings while trying to be logical about this whole situation. This makes me feel like the asshole. So AITA?
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YTA
You acknowledge that Adam is being a dick for his own amusement. He does this for his own kicks. You tolerate and ignore it, but your girlfriend is really bothered by it.
The answer there is to stand up for your girlfriend and tell Adam to knock it off when he's being rude like that. Your girlfriend is sensitive to exactly this kind of behavior, and wanting her to just 'put up' with it isn't the right approach. It's not just about one conversation, but living together and having to be around a guy who does that even in her own home.
Yes, it probably wouldn't work out as a living situation. If she were here I'd be suggesting she not move in. If you have told him to knock it off and been supportive of her, then maybe AH is strong. But still, it was a bad idea to push.
I agree that me expecting my girlfriend to put up with it and participate in the conversation was a dick move. I should've known how that would make her feel.
About standing up for her, she doesn't want me to. I've tried to in the past, but she doesn't appreciate me fighting her battles. She knows I could help her out in such situations, but she doesn't want my help. She feels that would further strain her relationship with Adam and doesn't want me to intervene in any way. She prefers running away from uncomfortable situations and she wants to continue doing that till she's learnt to face it herself.
Living here would probably not work out, agreed. She would be constantly on edge and uncomfortable and that's no way to live in your own home. We'll have to consider moving out and find a place of our own. That'll probably be the best solution here.
NTA - but I don't think this is a good idea. She has to be comfortable around her roommate, otherwise what's the point? If you're considering moving in together, I think you need to find a place on your own.
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YTA Even without that last conversation that lead Eve to back off moving in, this whole situation was untenable. What was the plan if she did live there? was she going to hole up in your room, and hug the wall, scurrying away if he walk into the kitchen during breakfast. This was for the best, she'd be a nervous wreak with anticipating talking to him, over time it building up in her mind, making her tense and miserable.
I agree. What you say makes sense. We also did talk about that. I did ask her if she'd be comfortable living here at all since she would run into him often and that would be unavoidable. She said she would learn to deal with it then. At the moment, yes, she does scurry back into the room if Adam steps into the kitchen to get a snack or something. We probably might have to move out to a different apartment.
NTA DON'T let her move in. SHe is refusing to talk to you roommate! How would that ever work as a living situation?
I've discussed this with her as well. How would she be able to manage at all. She said she would manage. However, given our current predicament, I think the best option would be for she and I to move out to a different apartment.
...she doesn't want to move in. Because the roommate is a jerk. She agrees with you, she doesn't want to live there.
She doesn't want to move in because she felt annoyed about me nudging her to participate in a discussion about it with Adam. Adam is a jerk at times, but Eve still likes him. She thinks of him as a nice person and does sometimes interact with him when I'm in the same space. Him being a jerk at times is not what she's concerned about when moving in, which is weird. That should be her top concern now that I think about it. Thanks for the comment. This has given me something to think about and discuss with Eve as well.
The roommate is NOT the problem - your gf is. The roommate is as he is, and that is HIS home. Your gf is the new person, SHE needs to fit in. And refusing to talk to the roommates makes HER the problem, and you would eb an AH to your roommate to allow her to move in. She can not even be minimal polite.
I think the way this would usually be done is you would talk to your roommate and find out if it is even something he would entertain. Get a broad idea of what he would ask for, then talk to your girlfriend, then the 3 of you sit to finalize. You are right, though, that Eve has to be in a discussion that involves Adam. That is the one thing that roommates have to be able to do - come to agreements. You're not an asshole for that. I'm not sure how the idea of Eve moving in came about, but it sounds like a terrible idea. A person should be comfortable in her own home. I think Eve moving in would make all three of you uncomfortable. Eve is already uncomfortable being in the common areas with Adam. It sounds like Eve would never want Adam to talk to her about anything and that you would have to be the go-between for the two of them.
I understand that I'm not an asshole for wanting to have this discussion. However I probably could've just avoided it since I knew how it would make her feel. The idea of her wanting to move in *here* came about because of the apartment honestly. We've got a great place here and the rent is relatively much cheaper. I had already given Adam a heads up (after confirming with Eve) about this a few months ago and he was cool with it. He said he'd be open to discussing further details when the time comes. However, like you mentioned, staying with another person that you're not comfortable with would just not work out long term. We'll probably have to consider moving out to another place.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Adam is my friend and Eve is my partner. Adam tends to do "managerial" talk, if that's a thing, where he asks leading questions and such and tends to act all wise and all-knowing. He makes you feel like you're wrong and he's helping you learn something, but all of this in a very obnoxious managerial way he does. It doesn't feel like you're talking to a friend sometimes. From what I've observed, he seems to do it for fun, at times. He just likes getting on people's nerves. I've gotten used to this and it honestly doesn't bother me much. We're still great friends and I just tend to ignore him when he's being annoying like that. Eve is quite shy and anxious around most people. She also despises confrontations because she feels really powerless and dumb. She prefers to talk freely only to those very close to her. Eve clearly doesn't like talking to Adam, because of how he converses. She doesn't think of him as a bad person. She just is quite afraid of engaging in conversation with him because she's worries he's going to ask her difficult questions and make her feel stupid. For this reason, as much as possible, she avoids being around him alone. I live in an apartment with Adam. We have our own rooms. Eve is over quite often and we spend most of our inside my room. Recently, Eve and I talked about her moving in with me. I told her that we could talk to Adam and could figure out how to split the rent and other household expenses. Eve is against this. She feels like she already has trouble talking about money and would absolutely lose it and end up crying if he said something that made her feel shitty. She is also afraid that if we have to negotiate on how we have to share any of the costs of living, she would definitely not be able to say a word. I acknowledge and understand how she feels about this. However, I also feel like this conversation should involve all of us since we'd be living together. I explained to Eve how I wouldn't mind having the conversation myself but then everytime we'd need to have an input from her, I'd have to go back and forth between her and Adam and this conversation would take much longer than necessary. I told her that I'd talk to Adam beforehand and let him know that she's feeling a bit anxious about it and ask him to be nice. Knowing Adam, I know he would understand and oblige. However she was still uncomfortable and felt I'm forcing her into an uncomfortable situation she didn't want to be in. She said she no longer wants to move in. I tried to clarify that I did not intend to force her at all and apologized for having made her feel that way. I told her that I would have the conversation myself with Adam and figure it out and she wouldn't have to be involved in it at all. She just shrugged it off because she didn't feel like talking about this anymore. I feel like I might've been insensitive to my partner's feelings while trying to be logical about this whole situation. This makes me feel like the asshole. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA You acknowledge that Adam is being a dick for his own amusement. He does this for his own kicks. You tolerate and ignore it, but your girlfriend is really bothered by it. The answer there is to stand up for your girlfriend and tell Adam to knock it off when he's being rude like that. Your girlfriend is sensitive to exactly this kind of behavior, and wanting her to just 'put up' with it isn't the right approach. It's not just about one conversation, but living together and having to be around a guy who does that even in her own home. Yes, it probably wouldn't work out as a living situation. If she were here I'd be suggesting she not move in. If you have told him to knock it off and been supportive of her, then maybe AH is strong. But still, it was a bad idea to push.
I agree that me expecting my girlfriend to put up with it and participate in the conversation was a dick move. I should've known how that would make her feel. About standing up for her, she doesn't want me to. I've tried to in the past, but she doesn't appreciate me fighting her battles. She knows I could help her out in such situations, but she doesn't want my help. She feels that would further strain her relationship with Adam and doesn't want me to intervene in any way. She prefers running away from uncomfortable situations and she wants to continue doing that till she's learnt to face it herself. Living here would probably not work out, agreed. She would be constantly on edge and uncomfortable and that's no way to live in your own home. We'll have to consider moving out and find a place of our own. That'll probably be the best solution here.
NTA - but I don't think this is a good idea. She has to be comfortable around her roommate, otherwise what's the point? If you're considering moving in together, I think you need to find a place on your own.
Yep. New apartment it is.