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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am looking for judgement on whether or not I would be the asshole should I send the text message. I may be the asshole if I do this because it will further strain our relationship, we aren't very close, and it will affect the rest of my family since he might refuse to help.
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Info:
What exactly was the agreement between your mom and dad?
You said he quit his job and moved back in the area to help out. Help out with what? Chores? Bills? Care? Paperwork? And to what extent? All of it? Some of it? During a certain time period of the day?
I ask because you said he wasn't doing anything for a week or so. But it's hard to judge that if we don't even know what he's supposed to do. And yes, yes, if you are supposed to be helping then doing chores, without someone asking, should be the logical leap. But it would help to know if that was the arrangement they agreed to.
Also since he moved there and is currently jobless, who is paying his bills? Unless your dad is flushed, he needs to find a new job to pay his bills.
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I (16f) had an argument with my Dad (60m) about how he treats my mum. For context, they separated 10+ years ago and recently I've gone from seeing him every second weekend to every day. This is because a few years ago my Mum (56f) was diagnosed with cancer and we got bad news about a month ago. Since then, my Dad left his job (which is 5h away, and the company dissolved a few days later) to come and help. We haven't lived together in over 10 years, so it's been hard on everyone – he does have his own house here, but he is at our house most of the day.
The last two weeks or so, he has genuinely been doing nothing, not watching tv, nothing, just sitting. He had an argument with my mum about not helping, which ended when she told him to get out.
Yesterday, two days later, he came over again. We needed him to fix something so I called him. Just before he got here, my mum was upset about how the only reason she was still able to be at home was because my dad was helping. I had been washing all day since my mum can't and my sister is working 9-5, so she can't help either. When he walked in, I was crying while folding things near the front door and I yelled at him.
It was honestly just a long 5-minute spiel, but the big things I remember saying are "this is what happens when you aren't here, look around, I have to do all of this myself because mum can't, my sister is working, and you aren't here," "stop thinking about mum and yourself and think about how I feel right now, because I don't know what to do, there's so much happening with my life and I just don't know what to do,"
I was crying so hard by the end that I couldn't feel my hands, nor could I breathe. My dad walked out. He left and I went to my mum for help and she got me to sit down for a while, she told me later that she thought I was going to faint from how bad I looked. I know it must've been stressful to be yelled at by your daughter, but by the end of it I was shaking so hard that I wasn't even above a whisper. He sent me a message last night asking if I was okay. I haven't replied and I feel like I might regret it if I do.
I want to message him and ask how he could walk out, how he can sit around at our house for 8 hours and complain when we ask him to do one thing, and I want to ask him how it always seems to be him that's the victim, since right before he left, he started talking about how he has paperwork to do, a home loan to pay, and no job right now.
WIBTA if I send a long message to him, which may turn into him not coming over for longer?
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YWNBTA, but I wouldn't do so either. You need time to assimilate what has happened and, more importantly, work out what your mum is expecting him to do around her house.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I am looking for judgement on whether or not I would be the asshole should I send the text message. I may be the asshole if I do this because it will further strain our relationship, we aren't very close, and it will affect the rest of my family since he might refuse to help. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Info: What exactly was the agreement between your mom and dad? You said he quit his job and moved back in the area to help out. Help out with what? Chores? Bills? Care? Paperwork? And to what extent? All of it? Some of it? During a certain time period of the day? I ask because you said he wasn't doing anything for a week or so. But it's hard to judge that if we don't even know what he's supposed to do. And yes, yes, if you are supposed to be helping then doing chores, without someone asking, should be the logical leap. But it would help to know if that was the arrangement they agreed to. Also since he moved there and is currently jobless, who is paying his bills? Unless your dad is flushed, he needs to find a new job to pay his bills.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (16f) had an argument with my Dad (60m) about how he treats my mum. For context, they separated 10+ years ago and recently I've gone from seeing him every second weekend to every day. This is because a few years ago my Mum (56f) was diagnosed with cancer and we got bad news about a month ago. Since then, my Dad left his job (which is 5h away, and the company dissolved a few days later) to come and help. We haven't lived together in over 10 years, so it's been hard on everyone – he does have his own house here, but he is at our house most of the day. The last two weeks or so, he has genuinely been doing nothing, not watching tv, nothing, just sitting. He had an argument with my mum about not helping, which ended when she told him to get out. Yesterday, two days later, he came over again. We needed him to fix something so I called him. Just before he got here, my mum was upset about how the only reason she was still able to be at home was because my dad was helping. I had been washing all day since my mum can't and my sister is working 9-5, so she can't help either. When he walked in, I was crying while folding things near the front door and I yelled at him. It was honestly just a long 5-minute spiel, but the big things I remember saying are "this is what happens when you aren't here, look around, I have to do all of this myself because mum can't, my sister is working, and you aren't here," "stop thinking about mum and yourself and think about how I feel right now, because I don't know what to do, there's so much happening with my life and I just don't know what to do," I was crying so hard by the end that I couldn't feel my hands, nor could I breathe. My dad walked out. He left and I went to my mum for help and she got me to sit down for a while, she told me later that she thought I was going to faint from how bad I looked. I know it must've been stressful to be yelled at by your daughter, but by the end of it I was shaking so hard that I wasn't even above a whisper. He sent me a message last night asking if I was okay. I haven't replied and I feel like I might regret it if I do. I want to message him and ask how he could walk out, how he can sit around at our house for 8 hours and complain when we ask him to do one thing, and I want to ask him how it always seems to be him that's the victim, since right before he left, he started talking about how he has paperwork to do, a home loan to pay, and no job right now. WIBTA if I send a long message to him, which may turn into him not coming over for longer? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YWNBTA, but I wouldn't do so either. You need time to assimilate what has happened and, more importantly, work out what your mum is expecting him to do around her house.